All language subtitles for I Dream of Jeannie (1965) - S01E26 - My Master, the Great Rembrandt (480p DVD x265 Silence)_track3_[eng]

I finished cleaning
the living room, master.

Now-- Now, be careful, Jeannie.
This is my painting arm.

Oh, you finished
the living room.

Mm-hm.
Sorry.

Ten seconds.
Wonderful.

Well, my cousin Marilla
could do it in six.

Oh, that's all right,
Jeannie.

I'm very happy with you
just the way you are.

Oh, thank you,
master.

Oh, your picture is beautiful.

You really think so?

Oh, yes.

Where will you hang it?

Well, I'm not gonna hang it
anyplace, Jeannie.

Well, then why
are you painting it?

Well, all the astronauts
are doing paintings

for the Air Force
benefit show.

They're gonna auction them off.

Yours will be the best.

I, uh--
I hardly think so.

We have some very good
Sunday painters.

TONY:
There we are.

I don't think that's any
competition for Rembrandt.

Uh-- Uh--
Here's the original.

I just hope the critics
don't laugh.

You know,
he was a wonderful painter.

Oh.

I just wish I could paint
like him.

Oh, I have the strangest
feeling, master.

TONY:
Oh? Of what?

I think the critics
are going to love your painting.

[CHUCKLING]
Oh.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[WHISTLING]

Oh.

Oh. Ah.

Ah.
Good morning, Michelangelo.

Rembrandt.

Oh, Michelangelo,
Rembrandt.

If you've-- You've seen one,
you've seen them all.

How do you like it?

Well, I don't know.

Uh, it's a pleasant,
little entry.

I'd like to see more
grays and blues.

Well, the reason I didn't put
the grays and blues--

What am I discussing this
with you for?

You don't know the difference

between a Michelangelo
and a Rembrandt.

Well, I may not know art,
but I know what I like.

This is my little, uh,
entry over here.

Ha-ha.
How do you like it?

Get over here in the light.
Right there.

Now, what do you think?
Uh...

what is it?

It's an abstract.

And I bet my painting brings a
bigger price than your painting.

Yeah, w-- I know
this is for charity, Roger,

but that's ridiculous.

Well, we'll let
our public decide, okay?

Ah, good morning,
gentlemen.

TONY:
Good morning, sir.

Ah, well, I see you
brought your paintings in.

Oh, don't let me
disturb you, major.

Uh, this is Major Nelson's, uh,
painting here, sir,

and this is, um--
Not bad.

Not bad at all.

I think I would've liked to have
seen more grays and blues.

Ah-ha.

Hm.
This is my little entry, sir.

It's, uh,
nothing really.

Just a little, uh--
Oh, you're wrong, major.

Do you really like it?

Oh, definitely.

I'd say it was a...
triumph of, uh...

matter over mind.

Well, I'll see you gentlemen
at the auction.

ROGER:
Yes.

Matter over mind.
I don't know.

Hey, it must be even greater
than I thought.

Oh, boy!

Ha.
Rembrandt.

Well, I'll, uh,
see you at the auction, okay?

All right, Roge.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hello.

Goodbye.

But I just got here.

And you're just leaving.
Now, go home.

Oh!

But I wanna see your painting
auctioned off.

The last auction I went to
was in Mesopotamia,

and they were selling slaves,
and--

Oh, it was so exciting!
Now, Jeannie--

We're not selling slaves.

This is not
a professional auction.

We're just amateurs,
you understand?

No, if any of our paintings sell
for more than $100,

it'll be a miracle.

Oh.

I think your painting is worth
far more than $100, master.

You're prejudiced.

A little.

I am very fond of Rembrandt.

[LAUGHING]
Well, I'm hardly a Rembrandt.

Now, you-- You better go home
and finish your housecleaning.

Oh, but I have finished cleaning
the house.

Thirty-seven seconds.

Thirty-seven seconds?
No kidding?

Well, that's a record.

Yeah-- But, uh, see-- I can't
have you around here, Jeannie.

Uh, why don't you go out
to lunch someplace.

Oh, well...

All right.

I know a wonderful restaurant
in Atlantis.

Don't get wet.

I won't.
Goodbye, master.

Bye.

I think you are going
to enjoy your auction.

[GIGGLES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

General Peterson asked me to
express his appreciation to you

for coming down here and helping
us with our auction.

We're very fortunate in having
two of the foremost art experts

in the world here.

It's all in the name of charity,
Dr. Bellows.

Yes, indeed.
Sweet charity.

Where would you like me
to put this, sir?

Here,
let me see it.

Hm.

Not bad.

Do you really like it, sir?

The frame.

The thing in it?

Why don't you, uh, hang it
on the wall over there, major.

Yes, sir.

Amateur.

Oh, excuse me.

Well, now, I think we'd better
get this auction started.

Oh, I hope I'm not late,
sir.

Ah, no, no, no.
You're-- You're--

We're just about ready to begin.

Now, uh,
this is Major Nelson.

Uh, Dr. Van Weesen.

How do you do?
I am Dean Geller.

How do you do, sir?
A pleasure.

Uh, where do I put this,
sir?

Well, oh,
anywhere over there.

Another abstract?

Oh, no, no, no.
This is a copy of a Rembrandt.

Uh, the amateurish quality
comes through, of course.

Of course.

Anyone can see that, uh...

VAN WEESEN:
Second-rate.

Very second-rate.

Oh, yes.

It is definitely
second-rate.

Well, I'll just hang it up
over here.

Oh, let me help you.

I'll take care of it
for the major.

No, that's quite unnecessary.
Oh, allow me.

I do know how to hang a picture.
Please, allow me.

I'm sorry to insist--

Gentlemen.

[CHUCKLING]

I'm afraid they're very nice,
aren't they?

Um, how would you like to be
our auctioneer, major?

Uh, me, sir? Well, I don't
really know anything about it.

Oh, there's nothing to it.

You, um-- You find a few
kind words

to say about each painting.

Uh, you may have to lie
a little, but--

[BOTH LAUGH]

And then you get
the bidding started.

Well, I'll give it a try
if you want me to.

Thank you.

Uh, right over here?
Yes, right there.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You know, this isn't just a copy
of a Rembrandt.

It looks to me
like a deliberate forgery.

And not a very clever one.

The, uh, brush strokes
are all wrong.

And the frame...new.

And everyone knows that
the original of this painting

is hanging in the Louvre.

Still, it would be nice
to have...

as a conversation piece.

Yes, wouldn't it?

[GAVEL BANGING]

Ladies and gentlemen, uh,

may I have your attention,
please?

Uh, I'd like to start
the auction now,

and, uh-- And bear with me.
I'm kind of new at this.

[LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE]

Uh, our first, uh painting
of the day is by Major Davis.

Major Davis.

[APPLAUSE]

Pretty little thing,
isn't it, huh?

Uh, w-- I'll start
the bidding off today

with, a, um...

Uh, a bid for $50.

TONY:
Fifty dollars. Do I hear sixty?

Sixty.

Sixty dollars.
Thank you very much, sir.

Uh, do I hear 70?

Seventy.

Seventy dollars!
Do I hear, uh, 100?

Uh, 75!

Seventy-five. Seventy-five.
Do I hear 80?

Eighty. Seventy-five.

Seventy-five going once.
Seventy-five going twice.

Seventy-five going thrice.

Sold to the lucky gentleman
over there.

Take the picture to him, Roger.

[MURMURING AND APPLAUSE]

The, uh, next painting
for the day is...

[CLEARS THROAT]

...by Major Roger Healey.

[APPLAUSE]

TONY:
Roger.

Uh, this is a, uh,
perfect example

of the neo-primitive school.

Neo-primitive school?

I'm so enthusiastic about it

that I'm gonna start
the bidding myself for...$50.

[LAUGHING]
Oh!

Do I hear 100?

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is the kind of painting

that goes well in...
any room in the house.

Uh, do I hear 90?

Please,
ladies and gentlemen.

You are missing
the bargain of the day.

An original painting
by Major Roger Healey.

Sixty?

Fifty-five?
Oh, come on now, 55.

[BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY]

Well, guess who just bought
the painting.

[LAUGHING]

[APPLAUSE]

Let that be a lesson
to all of you.

Thank you, Roger.

You just bought yourself
an original Roger Healey.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Now, let me see.

Oh, the next one--

Uh, the third painting is...

This, as you can see,
is a copy of a Rembrandt,

and I should know.
I painted it myself.

MAN:
Ah, well!

[APPLAUSE]

Now, uh, who'd like to start
the bidding--

I'll bid $10.

Ten dollars.
Thank you very much, sir.

Ten dollars.
Uh, Do I hear $10.50?

Uh, $20.

TONY:
Twenty dollars.

Twenty.
Do I hear 21?

One hundred dollars.

TONY:
A hundred?

A hundred!

Well,
thank you very much, sir.

Uh, these two art critics
know a great masterpiece

when they see one.

One hundred dollars,
going once...going twice--

Five hundred.

Five hundred?
Well, I--

One thousand dollars.

TONY:
One thou-- Now, see,
I have a bid--

Five thousand!

Ten thousand dollars.

You're bidding 10,000
for that?

Fifty thousand dollars.

Fifty thousand dollars?

One hundred thousand dollars.

Uh, w-- Uh, now--
Now, wait.

No, sir, no--
Gentlemen, please.

I don't think you quite
understand.

This is not
an original Rembrandt.

I painted it myself.

Two hundred thousand dollars.

Two hundred thousand--?

Well, that's certainly very
generous of you gentlemen.

I had no idea
you were that interested

in the Air Force
Benevolent Fund.

Three hundred thousand dollars.

And that is my highest price.

Three hundred thousand?

Take it.

Uh, this painting is going
for $300,000 once...

$300,000 twice...

Going thrice!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Well, congratulations.

Your painting brought
more than my painting,

and you nosed me
out by $299,950.

I don't know what happened,
Roge.

The people just went crazy.

Three hundred thousand dollars.

Well, maybe they figured
because it was for a charity,

they could use it
as a tax write-off.

Hey, maybe that's it.

Yeah. Hey, where are you
gonna hang my painting?

I don't know.
I haven't decided yet.

Treat it gently, won't you?

[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Come in.

Major Nelson?
Yes.

Dr. Bellows
would like to see you

in the laboratory
right away.

Oh, thank you
very much.

My pleasure, major.

[CHUCKLES]

I'd like to see her
in a laboratory.

I wonder what
Dr. Bellows wants.

Probably painting lessons.

GELLER:
Hm. Very interesting, that.

You see?

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Come in.

Oh, pardon me.

Uh, you want to see me,
doctor?

I certainly do,
major.

Would you mind turning
the lights on, please.

Oh, yeah.

There's no doubt
about it.

This is a genuine Rembrandt.

[CHUCKLING]
Oh, no, sir.

The-- That's a genuine
Anthony Nelson.

Believe me.
I painted it myself.

Oh, did you, major?

Then perhaps
you'd mind telling me

where you got canvas
300 years old?

Oh, well,
I didn't know it was that old.

I just found it
lying around the garage.

This pigment is at least
300 years old.

Can you explain that,
major?

Well, really there's nothing
to explain, sir.

Uh, t-t-the art dealer sold me
a bunch of old pigment.

I-- I think you gentlemen are
making a ridiculous mistake.

Major Nelson,

I am perhaps the world's
foremost authority on Rembrandt.

Harmenszoon van Rijn.

His brush strokes
are as familiar to me

as my wife's face.

Uh, w-- I don't know about
your wife's face,

but those brush strokes
are mine.

B-besides, isn't the original
hanging in the Louvre?

We thought that it was.

The one in the Louvre
must be a fake.

There is no question about the
authenticity of this painting.

Are you beginning to get
the picture, major?

But, sir, I-I-I-- I don't know
anything about art.

I just know what I painted.

Now-- Oh, look,
i-if you'll just go look

at the bottom right-hand corner
of this,

that you'll see that Rembrandt
has signed it:

"Rembrandt."

C-- Jeannie...

Harmenszoon.
Yeah.

Now, major, you're going to tell
us where you got this painting.

Well, I'm a-- I'm afraid
I can't, sir.

And I'm afraid
you'll have to.

You see, major,

if you painted this picture and
signed it Rembrandt and sold it,

you're guilty of conspiracy
and grand larceny.

On the other hand,
if you didn't paint it,

and it's the original Rembrandt
that was hanging in the Louvre,

then you're guilty of theft.

BOTH:
And grand larceny.

And grand larceny.

I can't wait to hear
what your choice is.

[♪♪♪]

Jeannie!
Jeannie!

This is your master calling,
Jeannie.

Where are you?

[JEANNIE SINGING
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Hi, Jeannie.

Oh, hello.

What are you doing?

I am painting a van Gogh.

Oh, isn't Rembrandt good enough
for you?

[CHUCKLING]

Did the auction go well,
master?

Oh, no, it went great.

I can't tell you what
a sensation my painting caused.

Oh, I am glad.

What did you get for it?

About 30 years.

[GIGGLING]
Oh.

I do not understand.

Jeannie,
it's against the law

to go around painting
original Rembrandts.

But why?
He painted so beautifully.

Because they're gonna put me
in jail for it.

Dr. Bellows has given me
until tomorrow morning
to explain that painting,

and I couldn't explain it
in a million years.

Oh, I am sorry,

but, but-- But
I-- I only did it because--

Well, because you said you
wished you could paint

as well as Rembrandt.
Will you stop listening to me?

Tony?

Tony!

Yeah, I'm--
I'm up here, Roger.

Hi, Jeannie.
Hi, Tony.

Hey, h-- I just figured out
what must've happened.

Well, look, you--
You painted the picture,

Jeannie blinked and turned it
into the real thing.

Brilliant!

From now on,
we'll call you Rembrandt.

[LAUGHING]
Oh, Roger, ah-ha!

That's fu-- That's about
as funny as a court martial.

And that's exactly what's
gonna happen to me

if I don't explain that thing
by tomorrow morning.

Well, why don't you
tell him the truth.

That's always the best thing.

Just tell them
that Jeannie--

Court martial, huh?

Well, look, why don't you have
Jeannie paint another Rembrandt,

and then everyone'll
be confused.

Oh, I will be happy to.

No. I'd still be in trouble.

Why don't you have somebody say
the picture's a fake.

Well, I thought of that.
It wouldn't work.

Oh, how do you know
it will not work?

Because Dr. Bellows is flying
over Pierre Millay from Paris.

Pierre Millay?

Yeah. Yeah!
No kidding?

Who-- Who's he?

Pierre Millay is the art expert
at the Louvre.

He's-- He's the world's
foremost expert on art.

Oh, boy.

Well, the world is gaining
a Rembrandt,

but losing an astronaut.

Are you standing there

telling me Major Nelson
painted a Rembrandt?

Well, of course he didn't
really paint it, general.

He pretended to.

But I have two art experts

who swear that it's genuine.

Art experts have been known
to make mistakes.

Oh, I'm aware of that, sir.

So I've taken the liberty
of flying in

the greatest art expert
in the world:

Pierre Millay,
from the Louvre.

And if he says it's genuine?

Then Major Nelson
will have to explain

what he's doing
with a stolen Rembrandt.

And once he does that,

then I think we can
make him explain

a lot of other
mysterious things

that have been happening
around here.

I've waited a long time
for this day, general.

Major Nelson.

Yes, sir.

Monsieur Millay will be here
any minute. Shall we go?

Um, I don't think
it'll be necessary, sir.

There's something
I want to tell you.

Oh, I'm sure there is.
But I don't want to hear it.

You-- You don't want to hear it?
That's right, major.

This time, you're gonna
make your explanation
in front of General Peterson.

I want him to hear it.
Yeah, but, sir, really--

Uh, major,
the general is waiting.

I want you to know I don't
believe a word of this, Tony,

but since Dr. Bellows
is making an issue of it,

it's my duty
to get to the bottom of it.

Yeah-- I understand,
sir, and, uh,

there's no point in waiting for
Mr. Millay any longer.

I may as well tell you that,
uh-- Well, this painting--

Ah, Monsieur Millay!

Ah, you must be Dr. Bellows.

Yes. How kind of you
to come all this way.

As you Americans say,

the wild horses
could not keep me away.

[LAUGHS]

This is General Peterson.

How do you do?

Monsieur.

And this
is Major Anthony Nelson...

Monsieur.

...alias, Rembrandt.

But if this is a joke,
I do not understand it.

Oh, you will, Monsieur Millay.
You will.

Are you ready to make your
confession now, major?

Oh.

Well, I-- I may as well,
sir.

You see,
this picture is really a--

A fake.

What did you say?

It is a fake.
A fraud.

Uh... How you say?
Uh-- A phony.

A-are you trying to tell us
that, uh,

this is not a genuine Rembrandt?

That is what I am saying.

But I have two experts
who say it's genuine.

And I-- I, who am the greatest
art expert in the world...

I tell you it is a fake.

A child could see it like this.

This could have been
painted by...

By him.

Ye-- Oh, yes.
As a matter of fact, it was.

Doctor.

Yes, general.

I've done it again.

Since you said all the time
that you painted it,

and since the money
was for charity,

there's no fraud involved.

Do you agree with me,
Dr. Bellows?

Well, I, uh...

Yes, general.

I think there's something you'd
like to say to Major Nelson,

uh, isn't there?

I, uh...

I apologize, major.

Oh, that's all right, sir.

Everybody makes mistakes.

And some of us make more
than others.

I'm sorry you had to come
all this way, uh, for nothing,

Monsieur Millay.

But it was not for nothing,
monsieur.

Here is my bill.

Five hundred dollars?

Make the check out
to your favorite charity.

Why, yes, doctor.

You could make
your personal donation

to the Air Force
Benevolent Fund.

Oh, but, general, I--

I'll see you in my office,
immediately.

Oh, uh...

[LAUGHING]

[IN JEANNIE'S VOICE]
Did I do well, master?

Oh, Jeannie!
You were wonderful.

I'm glad you're pleased.

I'm just sorry
for poor Dr. Bellows.

Now, you pop out of here
and go home.

I'm gonna take you out tonight,
and we're gonna celebrate.

That would be wonderful,
master.

[LAUGHS]

I'll bet I could've been
a pretty good painter at that.

Ah, pardon.

Could you help me, please?

I am looking for the office
of Dr. Bellows.

Oh, certainly.

Make a left turn
at the end of the corridor,

and it's the first door
on the right.

Merci.

Hey, hey!

Come in here.

I can't have you
wandering around these halls.

I want you to go home.

You want me to go home?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, uh, t-- Take off your beard,
and put on your prettiest dress.

Take off my beard
and get into my prettiest dress?

You and I are going dancing
tonight.

Hey, monsieur.

Oh, and, uh,
drop the phony accent.

I'm amazed you got away with it.

[LAUGHS]

That art expert act of yours was
one of the best I've ever seen.

I-- I wish I had a picture of
the expression on their face--

[GASPING]
You-- Wha--

Welcome to America,
Mr. Millay.

Can I take your hat,
sir?

Uh, Major Nelson, I--

You still here?

Still here?

But I just got here.

And there was no one to meet me
at the airport.

Oh, that's too bad,

but I'll see to it that someone
takes you out

to the airport to catch
the next plane back to France.

Catch the next plane
back to France?

But I flew 3000 miles in order
to see our genuine Rembrandt.

I'm sorry we had to disappoint
you, sir.

If you want my candid opinion,
Monsieur Millay,

as an art critic,
you're highly overrated.

Carl was right.

All Americans are crazy!

I go home!

Monsieur.

Uh, art expert.

Well, at-- At least he can tell
a phony Rembrandt

when he sees one.
Mm.

Oh, there's one thing that's
been bothering me, Major Nelson.

Yes, uh, just before we went in
to see, uh, General Peterson,

uh, you were about to make
a confession.

Oh, oh, ye-- Yes.
Yes.

And, um, I was, um, uh--
Just wondering, uh, what it was.

Uh-- Oh! Ah, yes.

I just wanted to tell you
that, um--

Uh, yes?
Yes?

I-- I didn't think I'd ever
really be a Rembrandt.

[♪♪♪]

[ALL LAUGHING]

And then when I said I wanted to
dance with him, he turned white.

Oh, I don't blame him.
You're a terrible dancer.

Oh, poor Dr. Bellows.

They are sending him away
for a long rest.

Well, I think he deserves
a rest.

Hey, have you decided

where you're going to hang
my painting yet?

Yeah. Right there.

Right there?
Right-- Right-- Right where?

Right there--
Jeannie.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, very funny.

Well, I still don't know why
no one bid on my picture.

Oh, perhaps they are not yet
ready for you, Major Healey.

Well,
maybe you're right.

I really enjoyed
painting that picture.

It was the most relaxing thing
I ever did.

Then you must paint more often,
master.

Yeah,
but it looks so easy.

I wish I knew
how Rembrandt did it.

[TONY LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]