All language subtitles for 3_English_s

You're falling behind.

Wuphf.com.

Ryan, we're doing a dance...
This is how you build a business.

Kelly: We're doing a dance.

Ryan: This is how you
make it in this country.

Find out... you got creed.

You jump in front of them.

You make it so hard
to love you sometimes.

Still behind.

I'll take these.

I said I didn't want
to be on the Internet!

Go, go, go, go!

All: Streamers!

Dwight!

Dwight, you got
to be kidding me!

Are you crazy?

Toby, how did we do?

Toby: Well, that was better.

We did it! Yes!

Michael: I suppose summer
had to end sometime.

It's sad, though, because
I had a great summer.

I got west nile virus.
Lost a ton of weight.

Then I went back to the lake.

I stepped on a piece of
glass in the parking lot,

which hurt.

That got infected,
even though I peed on it.

Saw inception.

Or at least I dreamt I did.

Broccoli Rob,
obviously, will be there.

Yes, of course.

And j.C. We call him blorville,

because he looks like a
black Orville redenbacher.

Who's the guy who
invented the peanut?

Hey, guys. Hey!

Hi. Hi.

Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt.

Not at all.

I'm gonna head
back to Siberia there.

I started dating
Erin this summer.

It has been,
in a word, exquisite.

Gabe is awesome.

He has accomplished so much
career-wise and height-wise.

Thank god he's my boss

because I would
not have said yes

to a first date if
I didn't have to.

But, it's been great.

Am I angry that Gabe stole
my girlfriend over the summer?

I've been through
anger management, okay?

So right now I am sitting
on a nice beach at Cape Cod,

gazing out across the whitecaps.

Oh, look, it's a humpback whale.

How pretty.

He's eating Gabe.

Hey.

What are you doing?

From now on, if you're
hot, sit on an ice pack.

Well, what if you're cold?

Like you'd ever be cold, Kevin.

Stop asking me
hypothetical questions.

I'm too busy.

Hey, Dwight, I don't
know if you heard,

but we're supposed to be
drinking out of weird backpacks

instead of cups, like regular
people. Oh, you did hear.

Jim, you have one job to do
and you do it forgettably.

Those of us who are busy
require hands-free hydration.

Dwight schrute, star
salesman, beet farmer.

Bed and breakfast proprietor.
Aspiring freelance bodyguard.

Add to that list,
owner of this building.

Then burn the list.

This summer I did the minority
executive training program at Yale.

You guys, I'm, like,
really smart now.

You don't even know.
You could ask me,

"Kelly, what's the biggest
company in the world?"

And I'd be, like,
"blah, blah, blah,

"blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah,"

giving you the exact
right answer.

Coffee monkey's arrived.

I thought the coffee was
supposed to be here at 9:00.

Here you go, big o.

Tiny.

Darryl hanah.

This says "decaf."
You got me decaf?

Ooh, yeah. Must have been
some sort of mix-up there.

You cool to just drink it, or
should I drive all the way back?

Well, summer, I blew out
my knee playing softball.

Ended up watching
CNN most of the time.

I don't know how we're
gonna get out of Afghanistan.

I hate the new assistant.

He's only been here for
a week and I hate him.

The new guy sucks.
Calls me "the nard man."

I'm the "nard dog," okay?
Nard man is my father.

My name is Luke Cooper.

I love cinema.

My favorite movies are citizen
Kane and the boondock saints.

That kid is the worst.
Needs to be fired, Michael.

He's not the worst. Okay?
He's not the worst.

You know who's the worst?

That intern we had a
few years ago. That guy.

Remember?

That face, how ugly he was?

He was the worst.
Good worker, though.

It's not cappuccino.

He messed yours up, too.

He's got to go, Mike.

It's just coffee, guys.

But, yeah,
I'll look into it, okay?

Wow, that's a lot of keys.

The bigger the key chain,
the more powerful the man.

That's right.
The janitor said that.

By the way,
the raccoons are back.

Where?

I think they run through these
panels and then down under the map.

I wouldn't know for sure
'cause I don't have a trained ear.

That's why I have
to use one of these.

Give me that.

Wait. And this.

Yes gogefem.

What happened to me this summer?

Dwight bought the building,

so, actually, this has been
the busiest summer of my life.

Hey, what's so funny over here?

Ha! Very nice. Give me my keys.

Ha! Ha!

Not funny, Jim!

Sorry.

Oh, no. Don't worry about it.

I was just gonna put a couple
keys on every day until Christmas.

Then his pants
would have fallen down,

which was a little
gift to me, but...

It was really funny.

Well, it would have been.

So unprofessional, Mrs. Halpert.

I love you.

Thanks.

Luke.

Luke!

What's up, Venus?

Did you send those samples to
Justin at lehigh motors yesterday?

Because he didn't get them.

Uh, if you asked me
to do it, I'm sure I did it.

Yeah, strawberries are ripe.

Meredith: Hey.

Turn off the chumbawamba
and scram, twerp.

All right.
You don't have to yell.

Okay, rude.

Luke,

I want you to go to
the supermarket for me.

What for?

To get some ice cream
for everybody.

It's national
ice cream afternoon.

Great.

And another thing
I did this summer,

I hired my nephew.

Having Luke here is a
pretty big deal for me.

Because his mother,

who also happens
to be my half sister,

kind of cut me off from that
side of the family 15 years ago...

Fourteen.

The last time I saw Luke was
the opening day of ace ventura ll,

and that was '95.

So, yes, 15 years on the dot.

Anyway, I lost him in a forest.

"Don't bother Luke."

Why is there a circle
with a line through it?

That means don't.

Haven't you seen
ghost busters, Pam?

Yeah, but it's like you're
saying we should bother Luke.

No, it...

Yes, okay. Right.
All right, yep. My bad.

I got it.

Here we go.

Don't don't bother Luke. Got it.

Come on. Okay.

That's as clear
as I can make it.

Hey, why can't we bother
Luke? He deserves it.

Because I don't want
it getting back to sabre

that we're yelling
at assistants.

I think it would
reflect poorly on us.

Who's gonna tell on us? Gabe?

That'd be hilarious.

"Jo, they're creating a hostile
work environment. Stop them."

Nope, it won't be Gabe.

But, actually, there is
somebody in the office

who is very, very close to Luke.

How close?

Well, Dwight, he wiped his butt.

Is that close enough for you?

Yes. Of course.

Guys, I think Michael
and Luke are related.

No, Toby. He's not.

Yes, he is. He's my nephew.

What? What?

Luke is my nephew.

Oscar: Michael, that's nepotism.

Luke is getting special treatment
because he's your nephew.

Yes, exactly. That is a very
nice way of putting it, Oscar.

Mixing family and business
is a beautiful thing.

What's wrong with
a level playing field?

Do you think they should
have had open auditions

for the band hanson?

What if no one
named hanson showed up?

That wouldn't even make sense.

Or what if they just hired the
littlest kid and a 50-year-old guy

who was a murderer?

Really safe.

Oh, man, so many
points being made.

Creed: I couldn't care
less about nepotism.

But I'm loving the debate.

Great minds battling it out.

And I've got a front row seat.

God, when he needed help
on earth, who did he hire?

Jesus Christ, his son.

That's a really tight argument.

Michael: Thank you. Yeah.

Butyoute comparing you
and Luke to god and Jesus.

No. No.

I'm just saying, why does god
get to do something that I don't?

This is hypothetical.

We're talking about Luke,
who happens to be terrible.

Well, then, why aren't you bugging
me to fire everybody who's bad?

You just want me to fire
Luke. That's reverse nepotism.

He should not be punished
because he is related to me

and bad at what he does!

I would just like to say
something off of what Darryl said

about the level playing field.

That is actually a zoning issue.

So, thank you.

If there's nothing
wrong with this, Michael,

why have you been
keeping it a secret?

Because I wanted you to come to
me and say, "wow, he is so great."

And I was gonna say,
"well, it's in the genes."

And I was actually
gonna be wearing jeans.

And I'd point to them, right?

No. 'Cause you ruined it.

So, thank you very much.

Here he comes. Guys, look.

I don't want you to treat him
like anyone else in the office.

I just want you to treat
him like my nephew.

Hey, there he is. Erin: Hey!

There he is!
Ice cream afternoon!

Wait.

Soy ice cream? Did
you get real ice cream?

Or enough for everyone?

No, man. There was no list.

But I got bagel chips.

Oh, my favorite part of an ice
cream party. The bagel chips.

Clutch cream run, bro.

Get whatever you want. On me.

You really think you can
make it up to me with food?

I don't know.
That usually works.

I feel horrible for
blowing Jim's prank.

I don't know if you can
tell, but he's mildly upset.

And Dwight hasn't been
messed with in a while,

so he's become a monster.

I need to make this right.

I came down here to feed
the feral cats like I usually do,

and I found something unsavory
in the back of your nephew's car.

Okay, you know what?
Just... just back off. Back off!

Well, take a look. It's all the
packages he was supposed to overnight.

He never bothered to send them.

All right, those might be his.

He might own an eBay store.

Yep. That's exactly
what my first thought was.

And then I remembered
having a conversation with him

where he was like, "I don't
own an eBay store." So...

Okay, okay. You know
what? This is disgusting.

This is like a witch hunt.

This is like the Blair
witch hunt project.

I'm sure those are
the expense reports

that corporate was
waiting for yesterday.

They are not. Let's just make
this kid open his damn car.

Oh, my gosh, those are the pants
you wanted to return to talbots.

I'm reconsidering
sending them back anyway.

You get that kid
to open this car,

or I'm gonna do it myself

by calling AAA.

Wait a minute. I'm in.

Don't... all right.

Well, okay.

You've just committed a felony.

Yep, here they are.

Yep, I just lost a client 'cause I
swore I sent these samples on time.

This kid's costing
us sales, Michael.

I'm sorry, do you want to
try them on again to see...

No, I know they fit.
It's not about the fit.

Why is this my problem, Michael?

Because Gabe tattled.

I was perfectly happy
to just hide it from you.

Gabe: Those overnight
packages needed to go out,

and Michael refuses to hold
the guilty party accountable.

Lower yourself, Gabe.

I don't wanna be having a
conversation with your crotch.

Okay, now educate me
why you won't fire the boy.

You don't have all the facts.

Which are? I love him.

Oh, god. How far has it gone?

No. No. He's my nephew.

Well, I got a nephew, too,
but he don't work for me.

You know why?
'Cause he's a screw-up.

He can swim in my pool,
but he can't come in my house.

Well, this office is my pool
and my house is my house,

and I just want my
nephew to work in my pool.

If you keep him, Michael, I'm
gonna hold you accountable for him.

You're on the hook for this
kid. You got that? Mmm-hmm.

Cover his ass
like tighty-whiteys.

I will cover his ass like moss
on a Mississippi tree stump.

Was how I put it
not clear enough?

I mean, you had to go and
make up your own saying?

Okay.

Deal with it, boys.

Luke and I have been working side
by side as master and commander.

Me as master, he as commander.

Occasionally,
he'll need a little push.

And I will do that, and he'll slow
down, and then I'll push him again.

That's the thing with kids.
You have to keep pushing.

You have to push them
until they push you back,

and then you push some more.

It's all about give and take, but
mostly it's about pushing each other.

Oh, yeah.

This will be easy.

So just, like, rearrange
the buttons and stuff.

Yeah, yeah. Like when he
presses "door close," the doors open.

Or he presses "lobby,"
it goes to third floor.

Stuff like that.
Can you do that?

Yeah. Let me take a
look at the circus board.

Dwight is about
to get so pammed.

Hey, did you
smsltext message me?

Yeah, I wanted to show you
something in the lobby. Come on.

Okay, that's weird. I was
just hitting "door close." What?

There we go. Well...

Good.

Is this elevator going up? Hmm?

Hey, the elevator
is disobeying us!

Okay. Okay. We are
stuck. We are stuck.

Hank! Hank! Can you hear us?

Oh, my god. Okay.
Emergency protocol.

Okay, just...
Just... just calm down.

Pam, try and pry open
those front doors, immediately.

I don't... use your
talons! Pry 'em open!

Okay, Dwight... oh, my god!

Well, don't look, freak!

Dwight, what are you doing?
Well...

We've only been in here
for, like, two seconds.

I got 56 ounces of
fluid in my bladder!

And we have to
establish a pee corner.

You've got to be kidding me.

Luke is going to use his laser
pointer to point to account setup.

You click on that first, then a
whole new... not... no, no, no.

Luke, come on. Come on.

Not on Oscar's head.

All right. Luke, come on.

Stop it.

What? I'm stopping it.
That's what you said.

Give me the pointer.

So you just want me to move it.

You're being
totally unclear here.

I'm just gonna go ahead and
move it. No, just power it down.

No, no, no, no, no. Not on
Angela's boob. Come on. Come on.

Luke, seriously.

All right, fine, fine.
I'll just go. Okay.

I'm gone. All right. Okay.

Good job.

Okay, email accounts.

So, we're starting
with account setup.

Oh, my god, is it
in my eyeball? Yes.

I think he's burning my eye.

Angela: Michael, do something.

Sack up, man. Kelly:
You have to stop this.

Luke, can I have that? No.

Okay, I am going to
count down from five.

Five. Five.

Fouh fouh

I'm not kidding.

Three. Three.

Two. Two.

One. Give... okay.

All right, give it up. No!

You are going to learn to
be more professional, Luke!

Luke: What the...

That's what you're
going to do, Luke!

What the hell was that?

I had to do that.

This!

Screw it! All right.
Are we good?

You're okay.

He's okay.

There are many different schools
of thought on capital punishment.

That was awesome.

Texas justice.

Yeah, your nephew is so lame.

He's been trashing us
relentlessly on Twitter.

Yeah, it's funny
stuff, but mean.

You follow him on Twitter?

Everywhere I look, it's Betty
white this and Betty white that.

Finally, a kid who's not
talking about Betty white.

Of course I follow him.

Michael, you just physically
assaulted an employee.

Can we talk in private?

Yes, of course. What
is this in reference to?

Pam?

Pam: Oh, hey, Jim.

Some prankster switched
the elevator buttons on Dwight.

I did not do this.

I know.

Yeah, and it was going
really great at first. I got video.

This is impressive.

Well, you know,
they don't call me

"the Bart Simpson of
Scranton" for nothing.

Do they call you that?
They do call me that.

Come on, give me your hand.
I'll help you down.

Nope. Scared of
getting cut in half.

Also, there's pee on the floor.

Of course there is.
Hey, Chinese tonight?

Yeah. All right.

How you doing? Pretty good.

You must be almost out of water.

Stop drinking the water! Stop!

Andy: No, no, no, no. It's
the other hand, fighthand.

Right hand? Yeah.

Michael: Would have been
nice to work with my family.

It would have been nice if
Luke had been able to stay here.

But he couldn't.

These things seldom work out.

I don't know how
ringling brothers do it.

Night after night, town after
town, all across america.

You would think they'd be
sick of each other by now,

but, clearly, they make it work.

And my hat's off to them.

Hey! Whoa!

Hey. You...

Dwight. Dwight...

Stop!

Legal says the best way
to protect us from a lawsuit

is to call this a stress
induced outburst.

Mmm-hmm.

You will have to undergo
six sessions ofcounsehng.

That's it? Really?

That's nothing. All right.

That's highway robbery. Good.

Well, that's the spirit.
I can do that.

And you will do your
counseling right here

because our hr staff
are all certified counselors.

Okay. Wait, what?

Yeah, I'm really looking forward
to working with you, Michael.

Is there another option?

The alternative is termination.

Michael?