Original subtitles

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[Telephone Rings]

[Ring]

Uh, hello.

This is Cheer/1. I’m not here fight now.

Well, I’m here, but I’m not here.

See, I’m an my Way to Amsterdam, man.

We got in v/z‘ed

to a Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton film fest/val,

so, like, if you need me or anything,

When you hear the beep,

you know, just, like, leave a message 0K .7

0h, RS. -- ffth/s /'s Donna...

[Kiss]

Ahh! Put that Wherever you need it, baby.

Check you /ater.. and //'/(e that.

[ Beep ]

[Chong] Where are you? I’m at the airport.

The planes getting ready to leave without us!

Come on!

[Dial Tone]

Man, this is the first airport

I haven’t been searched in.

We got to smuggle something into Amsterdam, man.

[Woman] Hello.

Hello. Oh, hi! Thankyou very...

Oh! Thankyou.

[Crowd Cheering]

Hello, Mr. Burt Reynolds.

On behalf of the Amsterdam

International Film Festival,

welcome to Amsterdam, Mr. Burt Reynolds.

Have a very happy, lucky time.

Do you know if Miss Dolly Parton was on the plane?

What?

Dolly Parton.

No, I didn’t see Dolly Parton.

Was she on the plane?

In the movies, you are much taller.

May I say...

may I say Burt to you, Mr. Reynolds?

What?

May——Maybe I say Mr. Burt

or Mr. Reynolds.

May I say Burt to you, Mr. Reynolds?

Hey, man, I’m not Burt Reynolds, man.

You are not Burt Reynolds?

No. I’m Cheech, man. We’re Cheech & Chong.

Hey, turn around.

See, right there, man. We came for the movie festival.

You are...

you are here. Chong & Cheech.

Mr. Cheech & Chong.

Listen, man, where’s the car?

There is a car waiting outside

for Mrs. Dolly Parton and Mr. Burt Reynolds,

but you can have the van.

[Cheech ] O.K. Great. Thanks a lot, man. bye.

[ Cheering]

Oh, please, no more autographs. No more pictures.

Thank you! It’s lovely to be here.

Take me to a dike. Thank you.

There you go.

I got a writer’s cramp, man.

Thanks anyway.

I’m going to have to finally do it.

Do what, man?

Put scars all over my face.

I’m getting too handsome.

This guy thinks I’m Burt Reynolds.

I got to give the other actors a chance.

I don’t think you have to go

to all that trouble, man.

All you have to do

is grow another big zit.

I got one on my nose?

Yeah. A big yellow one.

Is it big?

Yeah. Looks like another nose, man.

And ifyou really want to look ugly,

just leave the booger hanging off your mustache there.

There? Is it off?

Yeah, and ifyou really want——

Oh, man, shut up!

Oh, you are sitting here...

because...

these were the places

for Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds.

Dolly Parton’s supposed to be sitting here?

Yeah.

Let me clear offa place for her to sit down.

| asked people to put you in the van, you know.

Theyjust told us to sit here, man.

Oh, they didn’t understand.

You’re sure that Burt Reynolds was not in the plane?

He wasn’t with us, man.

We flew first—class.

Maybe he was with the peasants.

You flew first—class?

Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks for the ticket, man.

There’s a little problem.

You didn’t get the telegram?

What telegram?

He said, "Come over here and party."

You was on the list,

but there are a little bit financial problems.

You know Mr. Patrick?

Yeah. He’s the dude

that sent us the tickets, man.

He’s a good dude.

Met him at a party.

He’s a heavy fan of ours.

He told us, man,

"Come on to Amsterdam

and let’s party."

So we’ve been

studying up on partying, man.

We got it down pretty good.

To be quite honest,

| asked him to cancel this trip

because we have a little bit offinancial problems, too.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. The Mr. Patrick, he left with all my money

and also my car,

so certainly he will be back one of these days.

Yeah, hell come back.

Hey, we’ll help you out.

We’ll do a show for you, man.

Hey, man, we haven’t worked in four years.

I remember the bits, man.

Hey, where’s the windmills, man?

[ Host ] You can see one on your left.

Where’s the chocolate?

You been before in Holland?

No, man.

What are you doing in America?

Are you in radio shows?

You never heard of Cheech & Chong?

No.

Where you been, under a rock?

We make movies, man.

I have a wonderful movie theater.

Oh, yeah?

And we’re having a press conference,

and I want to introduce Dolly Parton and Burt Reynolds

and that people from Holland...

the newspapers, you know.

Is that one of the parties?

Because Patrick said

Sylvia Kristel’s going to be at the party.

Maybe.

So you’re a Hollander.

I’m a Hollander, yeah.

There are parties, but I have to cancel

because the financial problems.

Maybe we can have one party.

Do you know where I can score some hash?

What?

I got that address

of that doper cafe, man.

We have a lot of cafes.

The thing aboutjet lag——

you got to smoke a lot of dope,

and it comes out even.

[Marching Band Playing]

Get ready for them. Burt——Burt Reynolds.

[Speaking Foreign Language]

Mr. Burt, welcome in Holland!

[Crowd Yelling And Band Playing]

Mr. Burt!

Mr. Burt!

Mr. Burt!

[ Cheech ] Thank you very much.

Mr. Dolly, Mr. Burt.

Please, follow me.

This is our very, very best——

the Saskia Van Uylenburgh suite.

Rembrandt’s former wife.

The best we have.

And here we are in our very, very best.

Amsterdam at your feet.

[ Crash ]

Sorry.

The Rye Building for the big fairs,

Rijks—museum,

Vincent Van Gogh Museum,

and the Museum of the History ofAmsterdam.

You got a lot of nice sights around here, man.

Oh, many, Mr. Burt. many.

[Cheech] Hey, I’m hip.

The royal palace.

Oh, yeah.

The Stedelijk Museum.

Xaviera Hollander’s house

at the other side.

Mr. Burt...

I’m so fond of having you here.

Oh.

I’m your biggest fan, Mr. Burt.

Oh, thanks.

Mr. Burt, I am your biggest fan.

I’ve seen all your pictures!

Except one—— I haven’t seen the last one.

Neither have I.

Excuse me, Mr. Burt.

You got Dutch money?

Oh, no, no, no!

No, Mr. Dolly. You don’t have to pay.

Oh, yeah. It’s free, man.

Yes!

No, no!

I’m sorry, no. It’s not free.

You have to sign for it.

Oh.

Mr.]ohn...

Hoderfree.

Mr.John Hoderfree. He, uh...

he arranged everything for you.

You just order and sign.

Oh, OK. I can get that.

Oh, Mr. Burt,

How is Raquel Welch in reality,

fiesh to flesh?

She’s going to last forever, man.

Oh, really?

Yeah. She’s heavy.

Mr. Burt, when there’s anything you need...

Oh, yeah?

I mean anything.

Anything?

Anything!

Oh, yeah?

Mr. Burt, we have some ivory statues,

oriental statues...

[Speaking Foreign Language]

from gorgeous delight

in the basement...

Oh, yeah?

With tiny fingers who work you up slowly...

[Woman Speaking Foreign Language]

till an excitement you’ve never had before...

You just sign, huh?

Sorry. I have to take him.

[Speaking Foreign Language]

1,001 delights, Mr. Burt.

Anything you wish.

Mr. Burt.

Mr. Dolly.

Enjoy your stamen in Amsterdam...

|n Holland!

And you just sign. Anything.

Amsterdamski, man.

Hey, hey, hey. All right.

Your luggage.

Thank you.

just sign for it.

Sign?

Sign for it.

[Cheech Sighs]

And for you.

Could you give me one for the doorman?

Oh, of course.

Thank you.

Good—byein’.

Ahh!

We made it, man.

I wonder where the toiletski is.

Wow!

You ought to see the size of this bathtub.

We could have a couple friends in, man.

Still got that little outboard motor?

Wow, look at this! Hey, man, what is this?

Hey!

Hey, man! Help!

What are you doing, man?

Hey, man...

Help!

Hey!

[ Cheech ] Hello, room service?

Hi.

This is Mr. Burt

Up in the Suzie—Q suite, man.

Mr. Burt.

You know, Burt and Dolly.

Yeah, that Raquel Welch—— she’s something.

No, they’re real, man.

You know that caviar you sent up today?

Hey, man, it smells fishy.

Yeah, and it all turned black.

Somebody left it out all night

or something, man.

So can you send up

some of that other caviar?

Yeah, send up some of that Belgian.

I don’t know. A pound.

No, no. Make it 5 pounds.

Whatever you got, man.

Send it right up. We’re really hungry.

O.K., donkey smell.

Oh, all right. They came.

Hey, that’s the new series, man.

All right.

[Rock Music Playing On Headset]

I’m beginning to feel sort of bored.

Let’s go see the town. Come on.

What?

Amsterdam!

Look at these buds, man.

Look at this.

They’re real.

[Woman] Hello.

Would you like to eat something?

Oh, yeah, please.

Special today is indigo.

Oh, great.

Would you like some tea?

I’d love some tea.

Oh, wow. Look what they got, man.

Wow! "Fresh buds in season with melon."

Lookie here. " Filet—a—cola."

Ha ha!

Here’s my favorite—— seed soup.

I wonder ifthey got pepper with that.

Uh...

I want to start

with a tossed California bud salad

and then a shake—shake.

And what’s fungus mungus?

Well, never mind.

Bring it to me anyway.

For my main course, I want a Bogart special

with everything, including the mold.

Then I’ll try

the temple ball surprise, too, O.K.?

Pig out, man.

I’ll have the, um...

cream of hash and barley soup

and the fresh buds.

Are they in season?

Yeah, O.K.

And, uh... oh, for dessert,

I1lhave the space yogurt

with chopped kola nuts.

Thank you very much.

Put the rush on it.

Ah, yes!

J | get delirious J

J Whenever you’re near J

J Lose all self—control, baby, just can’t steer J

J My wheels get locked in place J

J Get a stupid look on my face J

J When it comes to makin’ a pass, pretty mamma J

J |just can’t win a race J

J Cuz I get delirious J

J DeliriousJ

J DeliriousJ

J | get delirious J

J When you hold my hand J

J Body gets so weak, I can hardly stand J

J My temperature’s runnin’ hot J

J Baby, you got to stop J

J Cuz ifyou don’t, I’m gonna explode J

JAnd, girl, I got a lot J

J | get delirious J

J I’m delirious, yeah J

JAll rightJ

J I’m deliriousJ

JYeah, yeah J

J Yeah, yeah, yeah J

J DeliriousJ

JYeah J

J DeliriousJ

Uhh.

You feel anything?

J Delirious JJ

Uhh.

Hey. I’m still hungry, man.

Want to order another one?

Uhh.

[Crowd Murmuring]

[Host ] Try to explain why people are not...

people are not...

Come on, and you sit there.

Yeah, O.K.

Sit down. Sit down.

[Speaking Foreign Language]

You have any aspirin, man?

Halfa ’lude.

Slip it to me.

...Mr. Cheech and Mr. Chong...

be as nice as possible.

I have to make phone calls

for the airplane of Miss Parton and Mr. Burt Rey...

But I’ll be right back.

[Man] Mr. Cheek and Mr. Wrong.

Mr. Cheek and Mr.joke.

|don’t understand something.

I’m waiting here halfan hour——

Uh, we overslept.

We underslept.

Who the hell are you?

Cheech & Chong.

Uh, Cheech like peach, and Chong like dong.

[Man ] Which kind offilms are in the festival?

Take this awhile.

I’m going to get a nap.

[ Cheech ] Yeah, O.K.

Do you know when Reynolds and Parton are coming?

Ah, ah, yeah, um...

Dolly Parton’s coming and Burt Reynolds

and, uh, Paul Newman,

andjimi Hendrix is coming.

Uh, E.T.—— E.T.‘s coming.

He’s a personal friend of mine.

Who are you?

[ Cheech ] Cheech & Chong!

We’re really big in the States, man.

[Trumpet Fanfare Playing]

[Applause]

Bravo!

[Speaking Foreign Language]

I’m really proud to... may I introduce

the most famous world actors...

Mr. Cheech and Mr. Chong.

[Applause And Cheering]

Yes, you may begin your questions now.

Thank you very much, Mr. Cheech, Mr. Chong,

For coming to the Netherlands.

We are thrilled that we can see you now.

But our first question—— my question——is,

why did you organize your first film festival

in Amsterdam?

Um...

because.

[Man] Mr. Cheech and Mr. Chong,

we are pleased to have you here, and I love you.

I mean, I love all your films.

I have seen them all... except the latest one

because there was a line outside about 3 miles,

so I couldn’t get tickets.

The Cheech shall arrange tickets for you.

Oh, thankyou!

Two!

[ Man ] Mr. Cheech.

Yes.

We know you made that scar

to give all the actors a chance,

but you are even more handsome

with the scar on your face!

What can I do? What can I do?

Ha ha! I try.

[Man] We love you!

I owe it all to my director.

I owe it all to my director.

Ha ha ha!

[ Cheech ] Hey! Hey, wake up, man.

It’s over. Let’s go. Let’s get some breakfast.

I’m hungry.

[Host] Why are you telling all those things?

| asked you to be nice.

There were a lot of important newspapermen.

And did you tell

about Paul Newman?

Who invited E.T.? Who invited E.T.?

[Cheech ] You think they still have caviar?

[Cheech Sighs]

I know exactly what I want.

You want to order now?

Yeah. I want huevos rancheros

with rice and beans and hot tortillas,

a shot of tequila, and a Dos Equis.

|don’t understand.

Well, what have you got?

I’ll have coffee and toast.

Make that two coffee and toast.

Coffee and toast.

I’d like a muchacha burrito, man.

You want some mussels?

No.just coffee and toast.

You sure?

Yeah.

O.K.

Thanks a lot.

Let’s start thinking about our show, man.

Yeah. Seriously start thinking about it.

Let’s do a bit about parties.

Something we know.

We promised that dude a show.

We should start thinking about something.

Ah, yeah.

Well, what do you want to do?

You know, like,

something about movies, television.

Oh! Duh!

Iwas working on a bit.

We do a takeoff on E. 77,

except it’s like a Chicano version, right?

It’s called E. 7T--Edd/'e Torres, the eXtra test/c/e.

This horny guy from east outer space

lands on earth in a lowrider flying saucer,

and he pulls up on this chick’s lawn,

and he chases her around the house

going, "beep beep beep beep beep."

How are we going to do that onstage?

I got a costume, man.

I had a guy make it up down the street.

E.T.——Eddie Torres, the extra testicle!

Huh?

Pretty cool, huh?

Yeah, it’s great.

Check this out for special effects. Big—budget, huh?

When the chick comes around,

he chases her around the house.

Beep beep beep.

Guess she doesn’t speak Spanish, huh?

[Videocamera Recording]

Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep.

Beep beep beep beep!

Oh!

[Woman ] Don’t touch me!

Hey, man, get out of here.

I got something going. Leave me alone.

Get out of here, man!

|ain’t bullshitting with you.

Now, get out.

[Videocamera Stops]

[Cheech] Beep beep beep beep!

Something wrong?

Uh, the doors locked.

Oh. I’ll help you.

[Starts Videocamera ]

[Speaking Foreign Language]

Get the fuck out of here, man.

We’re going to get in trouble.

Come on, man. Get...

[ Door Closes]

[Cheech] Hey.

[Banging]

Hey, man. Open the door.

Hey, man. It’s stuck.

Hey, man. Open the door!

Hey, man!

Hey, man. Get the fuck out of here.

Asshole!

Ha ha!

Hey!

Mmm...beep beep.

Ha ha!

Beep beep.

Ha ha ha! Beep beep.

Beep beep.

Beep beep.

Beep beep.

Beep beep.

Beep beep.

[Cheech] Beep beep beep beep.

Beep beep beep beep.

[Tarzan Yell]

Woo...

Uh...

Ohh...

Uhh...

Hey, I’m O.K.

Don’t send the ransom.

I’m all right.

I made it.

Yee—ha!

Hoo—hoo!

No more.

No more.

No more!

No! No!

No! Take him!

Take him!

No!

Yee—ha!

[Sighs]

[Sizzle]

Beep.

Ohh...beep.

[Sizzle]

Wow, man.

Hey, let’s go eat.

Let’s eat at the club.

O.K. well, where’s the club?

This way. This way.

This way?

This way. Follow me.

All right.

J ...You don’t have no problem J

J People on the river are so eager to give J

J Big wheels keep on turnin’ J

J Proud Mary keeps on burnin’ J

J And we’re rollin’, rollin’ J

J Rollin’, rollin’... J

Hey, donkey smell.

Hey, this is great Dutch entertainment, huh?

Czechoslovakian band and American singers.

Ha ha ha!

Yes? What would you like to drink?

Oh, yes. Yes, yes!

Uh, champagne.

Yeah, champagne.

Bring it here and put it on the table.

Hey, this looks just like the place

we started in, man.

Yeah. Looks a lot like it, huh?

Oh, hey.

Hey, man. Want a cigar?

No.

These are cuban, man.

J Rollin’, rollin’ on the river... JJ

Mmm.

Mmm, Garcia.

Hey, man.

Huh? What?

I’d like to do our act here, man.

I’d like to do an act with that cigar girl——

an unnatural act, man.

[Applause]

Hey, bravo, bravo!

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Muchas gracias.

Dan/(e schoen.

Merci heat/coup.

We are Top Flight,

your unique American singing group.

|fyou want to see more,

hang around until show number two.

Right now the Piccadilly Nightclub proudly presents,

all the way from America, another unique feature——

Red Dick!

Red Dick!

[Applause]

Ha ha ha!

Thank you very much.

Thankyou for the clap.

Thanks for the introduction,

except my names Red Nick, not Red Dick.

That guy must have been peeking in the dressing room.

Thank you very much.

Oh, shit.

Uh, I’m used to singing in the streets, you know,

and this is the first time

I’ve ever been up here onstage.

Ha ha! Goddamn.

I’m so nervous,

you couldn’t get a pin up my ass with a jackhammer.

Thanky’all.

Oh, here’s a joke for you.

You know why cowboys have, like, shit

in their mustaches?

J Oh, lookin’ for love in all the wrong places J

J Lookin’ for love JJ

Oh, thank you very much.

Thanky’all.

All right.

|——|——|’d like to sing you a song now.

It’s called First Time / Seen Her

It’s an original song. I wrote it myself.

[applause]

Thank you very much.

J Well, first time I seen her J

JSittin’ on a hill J

J Wavin’ her tits at Buffalo Bill J

J Gonna tie my pecker to a tree, to a tree J

J Gonna tie my pecker to a tree J

J‘ Oh, second time I seen herJ

J Sittin’ on a log J

JTryin’ to get it on with an old bullfrog J

J Gonna tie my pecker to a tree, to a tree J

J Gonna tie my pecker to a tree JJ

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much for the clap.

Thank y’all very much.

Thank you.

Oh, at this time, it gives me great pressure

to introduce an old buddy ofmine.

He’s an old blues singer

that’s been stringing and singing with me.

We’ve been making a lot of money together.

He’s the world’s oldest blues singer, man.

This guys so old, he farts dust.

Let’s have a big, warm how—do—you—do

for none other than Blind Melon Chitlins!

Come on! Let’s hear it for him!

Blind Melon Chitlins. Come on!

Come on! Blind Melon Chitlins.

[Applause]

Blind Melon Chitlins!

Oh, this guy’s hot!

Blind...

Melon Chitlins.

Blindest singer in the world.

Here you go.

Here you go.

just sit right down there.

Blind Melon Chitlins.

Sit...

No, no.

Get over here.

just sit downski.

Ha ha! All right.

Blind Melon Chitlins.

O.K. There you go.

Look, he can’t see y’all out there

because he’s blind,

but he ain’t deaf,

so let’s have another big hand for him.

Come on.

Blind Melon Chitlins.

[ Laughter]

[Tapping]

[Blows]

[Blows]

[ Laughter]

Blind Melon Chitlins.

[Mumbles]

[ Coughs And Clears Throat]

[Sniffs]

[Mumbles]

[Snorts]

[Snorts]

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Right now, right now...

my name is Blind Melon Chitlins.

I’m a

a legend.

I’m 156 years old.

That’s right.

I’m 156 years old,

and I can still get it up.

Heh heh heh.

just can’t get it in.

Heh heh heh.

That cracks me up. That cracks me up.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I want to get down with y’all right now

and sing a little tune Iwrote one day

when I was beating my old lady——

a little thing called

Goin ’ Downtown, Gonna See My Girl

Goes something like this here.

1,2.

[Harmonica Squeaks]

[ Laughter]

J Goin’ downtown, gonna see my girl... J

[Plays One Note]

Y’all can dance ifyou want to.

J Yeah, goin’ downtown, gonna see my girl, yeah J

[Plays One Note]

J Goin’ put one leg over my shoulderJ

J Then two legs over my shoulder J

J Then J

[Mumbles]

Hee hee.

Yeah, I’m gonna dance a little bit now.

All right.

J Goin’ put one leg over my shoul—— JJ

Yeah. All right.

Blind Melon Chitlins!

[Glass Breaking]

It’s a good thing these places are open 24 hours, huh?

Man, everything in this town is open 24 hours.

I kept waiting for that bar to close.

I love Amsterdam.

|can’t take much more ofthis partying, man.

I’m wasted.

Hope they got a masseuse here, man.

I need my back worked on.

I need my front worked on, too.

[Door Squeaks]

Cheech?

Huh?

|can’t see shit without my glasses, man.

Sit next to me, man.

Hey, I thought ofanother bit——

Queer Wars.

Yeah. That would be great.

Remember fags in outer space?

Yeah. That would be good.

Remember how it went?

These two faggots getting ready to go to a party.

Yeah. That’s a good bit.

Queer Wars. Yeah.

What shall I wear to the party tonight?

Oh, wear something exciting.

Oh, I know.

I’m going to go Peter Allen.

|don’t think so.

Yeah. I don’t think so either.

I’m so sick of Carmen Miranda.

Oh!

Tonight...

| go butch.

[Sighs]

Toojackson 5.

Toojackson 5.

Yes, you’re right.

But...

how about Liza?

[Motor Humming]

JStart spreading the ’ludesJ

J I’m crashin’ today JJ

|don’t think so.

Yes, you’re right.

I’m so bored with everything.

We have to buy some new clothes.

[Turns Off Motor]

That’s my cape.

I’mjust trying it on.

Take it off right now.

No. I’m going to wear it tonight.

You always get stains on my clothes.

Iwant to wear it.

/’m wearing it.

/’m wearing it.

That is my cape.

Have a shit fit, why don’t you?

|f| don’t wear the cape, I’m not going.

Well, then don’t go.

Iwon’t go.

There’s plenty of things to wear.

You don’t have to always wear my clothes.

I’m not going.

Dougie, we have to go. We’re imperial guards.

I don’t have to go anywhere.

I’m not going.

All right. I’ll go by myself.

Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?

Hmm. I wonder who’s going to be there.

You know damn well who’s going to be there——

Han Solo.

"Hands so low" you can hardly see what they’re doing.

I’ll stay home and pig out on chocolate.

[Whimpering]

Oh, Dougie.

Oh, Doug, cheer up.

What’s the matter?

Are you getting your period again?

That’s a joke!

I’mjust getting so old!

Oh, you are not.

lam. You can see all my wrinkles.

Then let’sjust stay home and watch cartoons.

I’ll make some popcorn, make you feel better.

There.

That’s not cartoons.

Let’sjust watch it and see what it is.

Are we on?

Oh... ora/e.

and, like, welcome to Con Talk.

Like, I’m your host, Sleepy Gonzales,

and, uh, we’re going to rap it down to you today, man,

to all you little vato locos out there, man,

as to how to stay out of the slammer

and that shit like that.

I did time in, like, Folsom

and Soledad and Chino, you know.

This is my guest here, man.

This dude’s famous, man.

His name is joe "The Hole" Cole.

He did 40 years in ","Q man,

in Quentin, you know,

and 20 years in the hole.

Hey,joe. Welcome to the show.

You don’t owe me nothing, man,

and I don’t owe you nothing.

Thanks, Speedy.

Uh, Sleepy, man.

So, like, the topic for today

is, like, gun control.

All right? O.K.

Like, I’m against—— I’m for gun control.

What am | for? I’m for gun control.

O.K. like, guns can fuck you up.

Like, knives,

well, they can fuck you up, too, you know?

Check it out.

I got stabbed, like, 13 times in this arm,

and in this arm, I got——

Oh, I can’t roll up that sleeve.

But I’m still living, you know?

But check this out.

I got shot

on the side of the head there, man.

The bullet went in there,

and it’s still in there,

and that’s why I talk slow.

Has nothing to do with dope, you know.

So, like, nowjoe’s going to rap it down to you.

Uh, O.K., man.

Well, first ofall, Speedy,

I want to say, like most vatos,

you’re full ofshit.

You were full of shit in thejoint,

and you’re even more full ofshit now.

Hey, man...

[Muttering]

Guys like me need guns.

That’s how I make my |iving——with guns.

| rob banks.

Can you see me walking into a bank with a knife,

saying "stick ’em up"?

That would be a trip, huh?

Besides, man...

Guns don’t kill people.

Cops kill people.

Hey, yeah, right on. I hear you there.

The thing is, too, man,

you got to be an idiot

not to know how to handle a gun.

First thing you do,

you make sure the weapon is not——

[Gunshot]

[ Coughs]

[Gasps]

Oh, wow.

Oh, wow, man.

Here.

Here.

Let it go, man.

That’s all the time we got today

on Con Talk

join us next week

when the topic will be

how to score dope in prison——

or how not to go to prison.

Hey, man. Have some coffee.

Come on.

[ Coughs]

You all right?

[Clink]

Oh, wow, man.

Hey.

Hey, you’re lucky it came out.

Hey, mine’s still in there, man.

Hey, far out.

So, like, see you next week, you know?

And, uh...

and like that.

You know what we haven’t done yet, man?

What?

A bit on dope.

Oh, yeah.

You know what we need to do?

A takeoff on a telethon.

You know, like jerry Lewis does

to raise money for kids.

Oh, yeah. Wow!

We’ll call it dope—a—thon.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

We have guest hosts.

Yeah?

And we raise money for dopers

that, uh...

lost their crops.

You like that?

Yeah, I love it. Oh, my God.

||ikeit.

Ohh...

Yeah. Dope—a—thon!

[Music Playing]

Oh!

Ow!

Hey!

Welcome to dope—a—thon ’82.

Ow!

And I’m your host, twisting the night away.

Ow!

We’re going to be here for 36 straight hours

to try to raise money

for the dope victims all over the world.

Now to tell you about this dope—a—thon ’82,

let’s have a big hand for Ashley Roach Clip!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Welcome, Ashley.

Hey, man.

Can you explain to our folks out there

what this whole dope—a—thon is about?

Uh, O.K., man. Like, we’re here

because the government’s been burning our crops.

Oh, oh.

And they’re causing a dope famine

all over the world.

All over the world. Ow!

Here’s one of the victims

ofthe burning, man.

Oh, isn’t he cute?

That’s a pretty sick sight, man.

So what we want to do,

We want to raise money

so we can buy some tanks and antiaircraft guns.

Good idea.

We got to stop this before it gets out of hand

Because a lot of people in this world

depend on us for their supply ofdrugs.

Ow!

This world would probably fall apart

if it wasn’t for farmers like us

that take time to grow this shit.

That’s why we need your money, so send it in.

Ashley, where are you from?

I’m from Ann Arbor, Michigan, man.

Ann Arbor. Ow!

Yeah, I was there during the sixties

when the universe meant something.

Hi, guys out there in Ann Arbor.

Now we’ll show you a little film

the studio sent over.

It’s going to come on next week.

It’s called The Harder They Don ’t Come.

Ow! Roll the film!

J Dope J

J Dope... J

You got to have dope, hashish, drugs.

Come on. Hashish.

Lebanese.

Home—grown Nigerian.

Moroccan.

J Dope J

Hey, sister.

Lebanese, Moroccan hashish.

Nigerian. Home—grown.

Come on, sister.

I give you some special price.

Dope!

J Dope J

[Reggae Music Playing]

J Concert come, nobody buy dope J

J Dope J

J He said "dope," he said "dope" J

J He said "dope," he said "dope" J

J Concert come, nobody buy dope J

J Got Moroccan, Lebanese... JJ

Hey, brother!

Hey, you want to buy some smoke from me?

| make you special price.

Moroccan, Lebanese, Afghani, huh?

Nigerian, home—grown.

Uh, no, no, fella.

I wandered in here by mistake.

Iwasjust looking fora drink.

Christ almighty, I wandered in the wrong place.

You want happy smoke.

You got to enjoy music.

You call that music?

It sounds like goddamnjungle warfare.

Oh, no. That’s good reggae, brother.

It sounds like a bunch ofjungle music.

Oh, where you from?

I’m from Canada.

Canada!

Oh, Canada! Sergeant Preston, huh?

J Oh, cana—baso, cana—basa JJ

| make you special canada price, O.K.?

You buy from me Nigerian, Moroccan home—grown, huh?

No. I’m not interested in souvenirs.

Thanks anyway.

| not selling souvenirs, brother.

| selling good happy smoke.

No. Not interested.

How you going to enjoy good music

without good marijuana, huh, brother?

Say what?

How you going to enjoy good music

without good marijuana?

Well, let me get this straight.

You’re standing out here selling marijuana?

Now you got it, brother.

Yeah! What——

All right. Put ’em up.

Brother, you don’t have to rip me off.

Police.

You with the police?

That’s right.

Hey! I love you, brother!

I have all your albums, huh?

J Don’t stand so close to me—— JJ

Hey! You goddamn hophead.

Narcotics!

Now get over here.

Take off that stu——

What the hell?

Hey, man. I’m American, man.

Shit, man. I’m from Detroit.

Get over here!

Hey, man. I’m——

Shut up, punk!

I’m over here in the army, man.

Those motherfuckers don’t pay shit, man.

Shit, my old lady made me do this.

She put a gun up to my head.

You ever try to argue with a Dutch bitch?

First ofall, you got to look up to them, man.

She could kick your ass, man.

All I’m doing is selling harmless smoke, man——

just harmless smoke.

Harmless smoke?

Yeah.

Looks like harmless smoke, doesn’t it?

Oh, man. I’m a diabetic, man.

That’sjust saccharin, man.

You can throw it away.

Oh, motherfucker, what you——oh!

Fuck.

O.K., man. You got all my dope. Give me a break.

You want a break?

Yeah. Come on.

Go ahead. Make a run for it.

I’ll give you three.

l...2...

[Click]

Christ, this thing doesn’t usually misfire.

Hey, come on, man.

Probably hit an empty chamber.

Let’s try that again. Ready?

l, 2, 3. Please, man!

What’s the matter, punk?

Take that gun away from my head.

Shut up, punk!

|just got a penicillin shot, man.

Oh, you’re a real smart ass, aren’t you?

No, just a sore ass, man.

Turn around, sore ass.

I said turn around!

Oh, you’re really cute, aren’t you?

Give me a break. Let me go, man.

I told you, get going. Come on! Run!

No balls, punk? Huh? No balls?

No balls, punk?

Hey, come on, man!

You got a big mouth, you know that?

Yes, sir.

Yeah, "yes, sir." Turn around.

On your knees, bigmouth.

Hey!

I said, on your knees, bigmouth. Move!

Yes, sir.

Now come on over here.

Get over here.

Now, you know what I want you to do,

don’t you?

Oh, fuck that, man!

Shut up, punk.

I want you to start praying.

Pray!

Oh, Lord!

Uh, thanks for this meal

we’re about to receive for——

On your feet, punk. Making fun ofGod?

Iwasn’t making fun ofGod.

You think God’s funny?

You son ofa bitch, don’t you ever——

All right!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

All right.

Ha ha ha!

Oh, yeah.

All right. Give me the gun.

Come on.

Give me the gun.

Look, you’re in enough trouble already, son.

Don’t make it worse. All right?

You’re high on drugs. I can see that.

Now, listen, son. Don’t make it worse.

You give me the gun, I’ll let you go.

Hey, don’t do that. That’s got a hair trigger!

It could go off at any time.

I got a wife and kid.

How would you like a new asshole, too, man?

Don’t do that, please.

Hey, look, I’m not even a cop, O.K.?

I’m a security guard at Woolworth’s.

I’m on vacation. I got a wife and kids.

Boom—boom!

Don’t do that! Don’t do that!

Please?

Hey, look, I like you people.

Honest to God, I really do.

Hey, man, get down on your knees.

Yes, sir.

You know what I want you to do,

don’t you?

And it ain’t praying, cop.

[Zipper Unzips]

Heh heh heh!

No, on the king.

Oh. Ow!

We’re back! All right.

Dope—a—thon ’82. It is still rolling!

Keep that phone line hot.

We need your money and pledges.

Ow! We have a very special guest.

He’s going to say hi to you.

Let’s have a big, warm welcome

For three—time US. Open

international masturbation champion.

Here he is—— Harry Palms!

Ow! Ow!

Oh! Oh!

Harry Palms! Let’s have a warm welcome for him.

Harry, I’m glad to have you on the show.

Hey, fantastic!

Ow.

Ow! Ow!

Well, that’s quite a grip

you have there, Harry.

You’re a graduate of St. Agnes

All—Boys Catholic High School,

and you’vejust come back from Russia

where you competed in the giantjerk,

the world championships,

and you came in first and third.

Fantastic!

Whoo! Get ahold ofyourself, Harry.

We’re on TV.

Ow!

Yeah.

Mmm. Good for the skin.

So anyways...ow!

Harry, you’ve been an innovator

in the field ofthumpology.

You’ve done such things

as introduce speed shifting,

around the hump,

over—the—shoulder boulder holder,

and this year, a brand—new hold.

Ow!

I grab it in both hands

and beat it against my forehead.

Fantastic! That’s using your head.

Ow!

O.K., well, where do you go from here?

Well, back to the hotel room to practice.

Always practicing, huh?

What’s your next competition?

Next | go to Hong Kong

for the "Fist of Fury" tournament.

We know you’ll be pulling for us.

All right! Harry Palms! Ow!

Let’s hear it for him! Ow!

[ Chong] Hey, man, know what bit

we haven’t done for years, man?

where Bruno meets the Invisible Man?

Well, why don’t we do it

where you play the samurai warrior, man?

I’ll be Bruno Hakalugi,

and we’ll do the wrestling bit.

Yeah, man, | used to love that bit.

[Gong Sounds]

Good evening, wrestling fans,

and welcome to championship wrestling!

I’m your host—— jerry Dunphy.

And with me tonight

is three—time world heavyweight champion——

|ron Mike McGraw!

Welcome to the show, |ron Mike.

Thank you very much, jerry.

We have an excellent card

on tap for you tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

featuring the Italian champion Bruno Hakalugi

and his tag—team partner, japanese Itchy—Scratchy.

How the boys look to you tonight, Iron Mike?

Uh, well, the Italian

looks pretty good.

A little greasy, but pretty good.

They both look good.

Their opponent tonight is none other

than the world—famous champion from nowhere,

the Invisible Man!

What do you think ofthe Invisible Man,

Iron Mike?

I haven’t seen too much of him lately.

In fact, no one has. He’s invisible.

But I think it’s going to be a good match.

Well, this tag—team championship

is certainly showing him no respect.

They’re not showing him any respect at all,

but I don’t think the Invisible Man

is too scared of them either.

They’re deciding who is going to go in the ring first.

Yeah, they’re deciding who’s going to...

go in the ring first.

That’s right, Iron Mike.

They’re having a discussion.

I can’t understand what they’re saying.

The Invisible Man is ready.

[Speaking Mockjapanese]

I think it’s going to be the Italian.

Thejapanese. No, the Italian!

[Bell Rings]

There goes the bell. Here we go.

Remember, tonight’s bout is a no holds barred,

no referee, and no paycheck for the loser.

[Punch]

A shot out of nowhere.

Another shot out of nowhere,

and he’s down already!

It’s going to be quite a match, huh, Iron Mike?

It looks like the Italians in trouble.

Yes. He’s got him in a hammerlock now.

Ugh!

And now he’s tagged thejapanese!

and Itchy—Scratchy into the ring.

Arggh!

He’s looking around.

looHng for a sneak attack.

[Kick]

And he’s got a rim shot!

Ooh! Another rim shot!

That’s illegal, but there’s no referee,

so it doesn’t matter.

[ Crunch ]

[Roar]

He bit him. Biting is allowed.

Oh! Another rim shot.

[Punch]

Ah, here comes Bruno Hakalugi

into the center of the ring.

What is he doing?

He’s probably digging for crabs.

No. Ah! He’s eating garlic!

He’s going to give him the Garlic Blowjob!

Oh, thejapanese is down!

And now he’s got the invisible man

in a knee drop.

Oh, into the corner yet!

You can hear it all the way over here!

That’s tough on the back there.

Oh, no. Oh, oh, oh. Look at that one.

He’s got him in the got—ya!

He’s got his hands full now!

He’s really stretching.

Oh, and he slipped out!

Must have been the grease on his hands.

There’s a lot of slack in them now.

And another stretch!

And now over his shoulder for the Volga Boatman!

There he goes marching to Moscow!

J Dunh dunh dunh dunh dunh J

J Dunh dunh dunh dunh JJ

Itchy—Scratchy’s up—— and he’s down now!

Didn’t see where he was going,

You can’t see invisible balls.

That’s right.

[Boing]

[Boing]

[Boing]

[Boing Boing]

He’s got him in the Bass—Man!

That’s not an orthodox wrestling hold,

by the way.

Here we go into Double Dutch!

Listen to them hit the ground there.

I’d say the Invisible Man’s

in a lot of trouble.

Right now he looks pretty tied up.

He’ll get out of it, I bet you.

Oh!

There goes Hakalugi!

Uh—uh! He’s going to make a Four—Corner Run!

That really hurts, let me tell you.

I remember that happened to me once.

And there goes Hakalugi.

And Hakalugi is down! Oh, my gosh!

And there goes Itchy—Scratchy!

And the Invisible Man wins!

Those balls are pretty dangerous

fiapping around like that.

Aah!

[ Chong] Hey, Cheech.

How can you stay in there that long, man?

You know one bit we got to do?

Alice Bowie at a sex club.

JAmsterdam, I like it in Amsterdam J

J I’m so glad we came to Amsterdam J

J Amsterdam, they smoke hash in the street J

JAnd they ride bicycles all overJ

J And they got everything that’s cool in here J

J They got a lot ofdikes in Amsterdam J

JAnd they got the shit all over J

J I’m so glad we came to Amsterdam J

J Even though they don’t know who we are J

J In Amsterdam J

J Oh—wah—wah—wah, I like Amsterdam J

J I like it better than America J

J Even though they don’t know J

J They never seen our movies here J

J In Amsterdam JJ

I am absolutely ruined, you know?

|——|just got a phone call

that Mr. Burt Reynolds is definitely not coming.

You scared the shit out of me, man.

Because he is in Florida,

and Miss Dolly Parton is in the hospital.

Oh, wow! They’re not coming?

For definite? For sure?

They phoned me.

Oh, that’s too bad.

Oh, that’s OK.

Who needs Burt Reynolds, man?

Hey, man, were here.

What do you got to worry about, man?

We’re going to do a great show, man.

Don’t worry about nothing.

You don’t need Burt Reynolds or Dolly Parton.

I lost my reputation.

I have no money.

Who needs material possessions, man?

Hey, man. Real tears.

Oh, hey, man. Take it easy.

Here, man. Dry your eyes.

I hate to see a grown man cry.

Take it easy, man.

This worry about money, man,

will make you grow old before your time, man.

I can’t go around in Amsterdam.

You got nothing to worry about, man.

We’re going to do a great show.

It’ll be all right, man.

All right.

Stop him, man! He’s going tojump!

I got to reload!

Hey! Come on. Come on, man.

Come on. Let go. Let go.

Come on, man.

O.K. Let him go!

Hey, man. Look how far down it is.

Ahhh...

Boom!

You don’t want tojump, man.

You’ll end up spaghetti.

I’ll have to scrape you off the driveway.

You got nothing to worry about.

My son is 9, you know,

and my daughter is only...

Steven Spielberg’s a personal friend ofmine.

I’ll give him a call.

We have lunch at "I Love Sushi" in Malibu

all the time, man.

We’ll have E.T. over here.

You’ll be a big success.

Hey, look. Have a watch, man.

That looks good on you.

All right, man. That looks slick.

You want to give me a watch?

Here’s one for your old lady, too.

And that’s for my wife?

|——|——| really...

Hey, don’t worry about nothing.

I really appreciate it.

Don’t worry about nothing, man.

just show up at the theater.

You’re going to see something

you never saw before, man.

Yeah, but, you know...

I have to think of my reputation.

Don’t worry, man.

It’ll be cool in Amsterdam.

Thank you very much for the watches.

Everything will be cool.

just go home and relax, man.

Take a halfa lude or something.

Be cool. We’ll see you at the theater.

J Amsterdam J

JThis guy’s gonna lose his ass in Amsterdam JJ

Oh, that’s a good—looking watch, man.

Hey, thanks a lot, brother.

All right! Look at that sucker.

Hey, man, you think this is too much

with this outfit, man?

[Crowd Murmuring]

l adies and gentlemen,

Will you please welcome Burt Reynolds and Dolly Parton!

[Microphone Feedback]

Uh, I think there’s been a mistake.

Thank you.

Uh, we’re not, uh, Burt and Dolly, man.

Like, uh, we’re Cheech & Chong.

We’re going to do a show for you anyway,

and, uh...

[Microphone Feedback]

so we want to start off with a dude, man,

that had his arm blown off during the war by a bomb.

He’s real sensitive about it, too, man,

so let’s really give him a nice hand, O.K.?

Let’s hear it for Limey Bitters!

Come on out here, man!

Come on out here, man.

Yeah, see his arm, man?

Well, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

It gives me great pleasure to be here tonight,

and I’d like to perform for you all...

[Microphone Feedback]

an unnatural act.

Hello. Hey, hello.

Hey, listen, man. Turn those mikes down.

Can’t you hear them, man?

They’re feeding back.

Turn them down.

And listen, don’t black out.

No, don’t black out until we tell you to, man.

Don’t mess with anything. just leave it as they are.

Don’t——Don’t tell all those fil...

There are a lot of important people.

They even expect the queen,

all the people from secret service.

don’t use the word "bums," you know,

and don’t use those languages.

[ Laughter]

Thank you.

I know what a lot ofyou people out there think.

A lot ofyou people out there think, "well..."

[ Cheering]

"just what kind of act could this be?"

Well...

let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen,

that the act ofwhich I speak

is that I...

am the only person in the world

what can play this here trumpet out his nose.

That’s right.

And not only that,

I will make this here trumpet sound like a slide trombone.

All right. Thank you very much.

Now, I would like to play a tune

Called Nobody Knows About Me Cares,

And Nobody Cares About Me Nose...

Rag.

Out me nose...

or proboscis. Thank you very much.

Ahem!

Here we go.

[Blows Nose]

Had a bit ofa greenie stuck there.

All right. Here we go.

Ahem.

[Nasally Imitating ATrombone]

[Cheering And Applause]

[Rhythmical Clapping]

[Gasp]

[Gasp]

[Gasp]

[Gasp]

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen!

Let’s hear it for Limey Bitters!

This is a great town.

People think we come here just for the drugs,

but that’s true.

[Laughter And Applause]

Hey, this theater’s nice.

I don’t think they want you to smoke, so light up.

Ladies and gentlemen, the astronaut.

[Applause]

[Theme From 2007: A Space Odyssey Playing ]

[Engines Ignite]

Eight...

SEVEN...

siX...

five...

four..

three...

I‘WO...

0/78...

ZEI'O.

[Engines Roar]

[Cheering And Applause]

[Indistinct Whispering]

[Cheech] Uh, donkey smell. Donkey smell.

Right now, we’d like to take you to the park.

Shh!

Oh, gee, look at all these goddamn pigeons.

Come on. Here, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick.

Come here. I got some popcorn for you.

There you go.

Oh, gee, look at that little guy.

Hey, uh, I don’t want

to get personal or anything,

but, uh...did you shit your pants?

What?

I said, did you shityour pants?

Yeah, I shit my pants, man.

Why the hell don’t you go home

and change them, for Christ’s sake?

Hell, I ain’t done yet, man.

I still got another week.

Hey, man, I like you.

You’re cool, man.

Take your goddamn hands off me!

[Mumbling]

Was that old—man talk, man?

You know, you should have

a lot more respect for me than that,

you know that?

Christ, for all you know, I could be your daddy.

Shit!

You could be my daddy?

Sure. I used to fuck buffaloes.

[Laughter And Cheering]

And byjeez, I’ll tell you,

you look like your mamma, too.

Man, don’t say nothing

about my mamma, man.

Hey, you want to play games, funny bunny?

Hey, old man, want to play games?

How about race car driver?

Vroom vroom!

You take off, byjeez,

or I’ll kickyou in the balls.

You’re going to kick me in the balls, man?

Hey, go ahead, man. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Free shot, man!

Come on.

You don’t give a guy much ofa target, do you?

That does it. Now I’m going to kill you!

Byjesus, now take off, you son ofa bitch.

Come on. I’ll hit you with the chair.

Oh, God!

Hey, what you doing, man?

Come on. Let’s go.

Hey, one hand.

Hey, I’m going to take your wallet, man.

Hey, come on, man. Let’s go.

Hey!

Hey.

Hey, quit fucking around, man.

Boo!

Hey, dude.

OK, I’m sorry, man.

Hey, man, what are you doing?

I didn’t even touch you, man.

I didn’t even touch him!

Hey, |——| was only playing with you, man.

Hey, man, I’m on parole, man.

Shit.

Hey, come on, man.

Hey, I said I was sorry.

Hey, dude.

Hey, old dude.

Oh, shit. Goddamn, man.

Fuck, man.

Hey, I’m sorry. Goddamn, I’m sorry, man.

Scared the shit out ofyou that time.

Didn’t I, you little fuck?

[Cheering And Applause]

Hey, Margaret, where the hell are you?

Come on out ofthat goddamn toilet

and get over here, for christ’s sake.

We’re going to see a real live sex act,

right on the goddamn stage here.

Christ, I never seen a live sex act

for about 12 years, for Christ’s sake.

It cost me a bundle that time, too.

Margaret, what the hell you doing in that toilet?

Scuba diving?

Come on out here, for Christ’s sake.

Come on, now.

Come on.

You might learn something here.

Come on. Never mind those assholes.

Come on. It’s OK.

Where the hell you been?

You don’t want to watch this?

Come on, now, Margaret.

I took that goddamn boat tour.

Christ, ifI see another goddamn windmill,

I’ll puke.

Now, come on.

We’re going to see a live goddamn sex act.

just sit your ass down here and shut up.

We’ve been here 12 goddamn days,

and this is the first bit of excitement I’ve had.

Come on. Let’s get this——

What’s the matter with you?

There’s nothing on that Goddamn seat.

What the hell is that, anyway?

Feels like silly putty, don’t it?

I don’t know. Sit down, Margaret.

Let’s get this show on the road.

What the hell you waiting for?

It’s a live Goddamn sex act.

Oh, Christ, I hope that’s not the star.

Holyjesus. She’s so goddamn old,

she’s got stretch marks on her mouth,

for Christ’s sake.

Hey! She looks like your goddamn sister Ethel.

That is goddamn Ethel!

Hey, Ethel, over here!

She’s trying to ignore us, for Christ’s sake.

Oh, she’s taking off her clothes.

Nope, that ain’t Ethel.

I don’t think it’s Ethel. uh...

Holy Christ, lady. Put it back on. Christ.

You’re going to scare someone with that body.

look at her tits, for Christ’s sake.

Look like oranges in a pair of socks.

Look out! You’re going to trip on them, lady.

Christ almighty.

Why doesn’t she take off her panties?

Oh, she’s got them off. Oh.

What the hell kind of haircut is that,

for Christ’s sake?

Looks like someone’s initials there.

Christ almighty.

Oh, Christ, now she’s showing it to us.

Oh, for Christ’s sake.

Christ, I don’t want to see it

that close, lady, for Christ’s sake.

Looks like the Holland tunnel there, don’t it?

Look, it’s doing impressions, Margaret!

Look at that!

Margaret, look.

There’s a deviled egg sandwich. Right there.

That’s goddamn funny, Margaret.

Come here. Sit down.

Sit down, Margaret.

What the hell is she going to do with that Coke bottle?

Holyjesus.

You don’t suppose she’s got an opener up there, do you?

Hey, the goddamn bottle disappeared!

No deposit, I guess, huh?

There it is! Look at that pop out of there.

She shot that bottle clear across the room,

for Christ’s sake.

And it’s open! Margaret, look!

My God, there’s a goddamn Houdini up there.

Now, what’s she going to do with those grapes now?

Nah, she——

Holyjesus.

She’s stuffing them——

Oh, for Christ’s sake, lady.

Why don’t you get a purse or something?

Goddamn pack rat. Look at that.

Are you saving them for later?

What the hell you doing, lady?

How you going to get them out of there?

I’m waiting to see—— Oh, here they come!

Margaret, a goddamnjackpot.

Look at...

Margaret, look at that!

Oh, no, she’s eating them.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, God.

Oh, God. Oh,jeez.

Hey, ifyou’re that hungry, lady,

I’ll buy you a hamburger.

What’s the matter? You getting sick?

You O.K.?

You getting sick?

Put your head between your legs.

Christ, that might make you sicker.

Sit up here, Margaret.

Come on. Sit down.

Ifit’s going to make you sick, don’t look.

I’ll tell you when to look.

Hey, Margaret, look.

Margaret, look. They brought in a goddamn dog.

Look at the size of that son ofa bitch.

I bet that’s the dog

that’s been shitting all over Amsterdam.

[Cheering And Applause]

Holyjesus.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we’d like to present to you the dogs, Ralph and Herbie.

G rr!

G rr!

G rr! G rr!

Yipyipyip!

G rr!

Ruff!

Herbie!

— Hey! — Hey!

How the hell are you?

Hey, you’re looking good, man.

I hardly recognized you.

Yeah, I got a new punk cut, man.

It’s red and orange

and green and yellow,

and brown in the center.

Where you been? I haven’t seen you for so long!

Oh, my human’s been keeping me locked up, man.

Yeah, he went off on vacation to London.

He left me in the room for two weeks.

I shit in his earphones.

I ate all his stash, too.

Hey...

want to chase some cats?

Cats?

Yeah, I could use a little pussy about now.

Oh, smell that.

What?

Ohh.

Ohh.

Oh, it’s Fifi.

Oh, God.

She gets me so horny,

I could pole—vault.

Every time I smell her, man, I go nuts.

Hey, no! Hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey!

Knock it off, Ralph!

I’m sorry.

I don’t know what got into me.

Yeah, well, I know what got into me!

just stay in front of me.

Go ahead. Get me back.

Get out of here.

Christ, you been locked up too long, haven’t you?

Let’s go chase some Fifi, man. Come on.

I’m horny.

I got to go poop.

What? Right now?

Well, you hit a nerve or something, man.

Oh, well, shit,

Well, let’s pick out a good spot for it.

Oh, God, I can’t wait.

just do it right here.

But we’re in the middle of the restaurant.

Even better!

Hey, go. I’ll watch out for the waiter.

Hey, Herbie, here it comes!

It’s going to be a big one!

Open wide!

Oh, God! look at the size of that mother!

Did I do that?

God, what do you want to name it?

Hey, it’s still smoking!

Oh, I love where you put it, too.

When the waiter comes out,

he’s going to skid all the way to the kitchen!

Thank you very much.

It’s been a pleasure, a pleasure playing foryou.

Thank you very much.

Cheech & Chong/

[Cheering And Applause]

J Still smokin’ J

JStill tokin’ J

J Hazel died at 65 J

J Don’t know why I’m still alive J

J Smokin’, still smokin’ J

J Still smokin’ J

JStill tokin’ J

J Haven’t got a dime J

J Havin’ fun and feelin’ fineJ

J And smokin’, still smokin’ J

J Still smokin’ J

J Still smokin’ J

JSpendin’ all my time in an unemployment line J

J And smokin’, still smokin’ J

J Still smokin’ J

J I’m evenjokin’ J

J Haven’t got a job J

J Thank you,jesus, thankyou, God J

J And smokin’, I’m smokin’ J

J The doctor and my brother and my mother and my father J

JAll tell me to quitJ

Quit!

J But even though they love me J

J And they shove me and they bug me J

J I can’t go for this J

[Coughing]

Oh, shit.

J Still smokin’ J

J I’m still smokin’ J

J It’s the only way I can make it through the day J

J It’s smokin’, still smokin’ J

J Still smokin’ J

JYou know I’m smokin’ J

J Writin’ songs, drinkin’ wine J

J Gettin’ high and feelin’ fineJ

J And smokin’, still smokin’ J

J Still smokin’ J

J Hey, I’m still smokin’ J

J I’m still smokin’ JJ

Ha ha ha ha!

[Coughing]

[Coughing]

Hey, who’s got a smoke?