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1
00:00:05,404 --> 00:00:07,062
Wow! Ho-ho!
2
00:00:07,134 --> 00:00:10,076
Oh, Janet, you did it!
You brought us into your void.
3
00:00:10,139 --> 00:00:12,072
If I had a heart, it would be pounding.
4
00:00:12,074 --> 00:00:13,406
- Michael...
- You know, you'd think
5
00:00:13,408 --> 00:00:16,009
there'd be side effects,
but I feel great.
6
00:00:16,011 --> 00:00:17,497
How's the hair? Is it still amazing?
7
00:00:17,522 --> 00:00:19,950
Michael, there may have been
some side effects
8
00:00:20,004 --> 00:00:21,732
for the humans.
9
00:00:23,373 --> 00:00:25,051
Huh.
10
00:00:25,123 --> 00:00:27,357
Dude, why are there so many Janets?
11
00:00:27,459 --> 00:00:28,955
Anwhy do I sound like Janet?
12
00:00:29,006 --> 00:00:32,274
You also look like Janet. Do I?
13
00:00:32,276 --> 00:00:36,979
Why? What? What is happening?
14
00:00:38,449 --> 00:00:40,695
Oh, no, am I...
15
00:00:40,816 --> 00:00:42,835
wearing a vest?
16
00:00:42,882 --> 00:00:45,156
Ooh, Michael, help me!
17
00:00:45,203 --> 00:00:48,257
This is going to be tricky.
How do we even tell them apart?
18
00:00:48,259 --> 00:00:49,425
Oh!
19
00:00:50,995 --> 00:00:53,180
Okay, that one's Jason.
20
00:00:53,205 --> 00:00:57,962
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
21
00:00:59,103 --> 00:01:01,303
I can't put the humans
back in their own bodies,
22
00:01:01,305 --> 00:01:04,940
so I've done the next best, but
still not that great, thing.
23
00:01:04,942 --> 00:01:07,376
A high-neck sleeveless?
24
00:01:07,378 --> 00:01:10,646
- I suppose this outfit will do?
- Are you sure?
25
00:01:10,648 --> 00:01:13,649
I mean, wearing a floral print
to an infinite void
26
00:01:13,651 --> 00:01:15,551
at this time of the nothing?
27
00:01:15,553 --> 00:01:19,321
So where are we exactly?
We're not on Earth, right?
28
00:01:19,323 --> 00:01:21,357
That's correct, Chidi-Janet. You're not.
29
00:01:21,359 --> 00:01:24,293
Your real bodies dematerialized
when you entered my void,
30
00:01:24,295 --> 00:01:28,063
and your essences reconstituted
themselves in this form.
31
00:01:28,065 --> 00:01:31,133
Cool, cool. And when you say "void"...
32
00:01:31,135 --> 00:01:33,902
Oh, I mean a sub-dimension
outside of space and time
33
00:01:33,904 --> 00:01:35,938
at the nexus of consciousness and matter
34
00:01:35,940 --> 00:01:37,139
tethered to my essence.
35
00:01:37,141 --> 00:01:38,474
Does that help?
36
00:01:38,476 --> 00:01:41,310
It does not help. It makes it way worse.
37
00:01:41,312 --> 00:01:43,912
I just want to lie down.
38
00:01:43,914 --> 00:01:46,248
Where is down?
39
00:01:46,250 --> 00:01:49,718
I found it. It's up here. It's dope.
40
00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:51,787
I have an idea.
41
00:01:51,789 --> 00:01:53,555
Sweet. I call sofa.
42
00:01:53,557 --> 00:01:55,024
Janet's void has a back door
43
00:01:55,026 --> 00:01:57,526
to the Janet warehouse
in the Neutral Zone,
44
00:01:57,528 --> 00:01:59,728
which is right near Accounting.
45
00:01:59,730 --> 00:02:01,530
You four will stay here
46
00:02:01,532 --> 00:02:04,300
while Actual Janet and I
sneak through it
47
00:02:04,302 --> 00:02:05,634
and find the Head Accountant.
48
00:02:05,636 --> 00:02:07,770
But, Michael, why can't we go with you?
49
00:02:07,772 --> 00:02:09,471
Well, you just died, which means you're
50
00:02:09,473 --> 00:02:11,640
the first humans in history
to not immediately go
51
00:02:11,642 --> 00:02:14,043
to the Good or Bad Place,
which, in turn,
52
00:02:14,045 --> 00:02:15,978
makes you inter-dimensional fugitives.
53
00:02:15,980 --> 00:02:17,446
So that's neat.
54
00:02:17,448 --> 00:02:19,581
Also, the Judge is probably
still pissed at me
55
00:02:19,583 --> 00:02:21,717
for, you know, breaking all the rules,
56
00:02:21,719 --> 00:02:23,385
and she might take it out on you.
57
00:02:23,387 --> 00:02:26,255
Plus, the Bad Place
is probably hunting for us,
58
00:02:26,257 --> 00:02:29,525
so, literally, the entire
universe is against you.
59
00:02:29,527 --> 00:02:32,561
Okay, but what's a fourth
really good reason?
60
00:02:32,563 --> 00:02:35,164
Jeez, just trying to lighten
the mood... tough void.
61
00:02:35,166 --> 00:02:38,334
Now, Janet and I will pose
as Good Place employees
62
00:02:38,336 --> 00:02:40,969
and sweet-talk the Accountant
into showing us his books.
63
00:02:40,971 --> 00:02:44,139
If I'm right, we will find proof
64
00:02:44,141 --> 00:02:47,543
that the Bad Place is tampering
with the point system.
65
00:02:47,545 --> 00:02:49,044
The Accountant will tell us what to do,
66
00:02:49,046 --> 00:02:50,312
and this will all be over.
67
00:02:50,314 --> 00:02:52,247
We're almost at the end, guys.
68
00:02:52,249 --> 00:02:55,651
Just stay here,
keep Janet's heads on straight.
69
00:02:55,653 --> 00:02:57,920
Bye.
70
00:03:00,057 --> 00:03:02,154
Is that a Good Janet or a Bad Janet?
71
00:03:02,179 --> 00:03:03,662
That's a Neutral Janet.
72
00:03:03,687 --> 00:03:05,794
She's sort of the black sheep
of the Janet world.
73
00:03:05,796 --> 00:03:07,730
Or blank sheep, I guess.
74
00:03:07,732 --> 00:03:11,024
Ooh, I can throw shade now. That's cool.
75
00:03:11,735 --> 00:03:13,446
You've arrived at the Accounting Office.
76
00:03:13,471 --> 00:03:14,837
All point calculations
77
00:03:14,839 --> 00:03:16,805
for actions taken on Earth
are made here.
78
00:03:16,807 --> 00:03:19,074
- End of conversation.
- My name is Michael.
79
00:03:19,076 --> 00:03:20,609
I need to speak with the Head Accountant
80
00:03:20,611 --> 00:03:22,644
on official Good Place business.
81
00:03:22,646 --> 00:03:24,380
I will inform the Head Accountant
82
00:03:24,382 --> 00:03:26,782
of your presence, and he either
will or will not see you
83
00:03:26,784 --> 00:03:29,685
in a certain amount of time...
end of conversation.
84
00:03:29,687 --> 00:03:31,253
Wow.
85
00:03:33,557 --> 00:03:36,024
Good thing your void plan
worked out, huh?
86
00:03:39,497 --> 00:03:42,197
♪ Believe in life after love? ♪
87
00:03:42,199 --> 00:03:45,734
Oh, having four humans
in my void is weird.
88
00:03:47,204 --> 00:03:48,871
This is nuts.
89
00:03:48,873 --> 00:03:51,473
We're in a void
in the body of a white lady.
90
00:03:51,475 --> 00:03:52,808
- Not a lady.
- Not a lady, darling.
91
00:03:52,810 --> 00:03:54,076
Well, we are white.
92
00:03:54,078 --> 00:03:55,677
Let's all say white people things!
93
00:03:55,679 --> 00:03:58,280
Billy Joel. I found it on Etsy.
94
00:03:58,282 --> 00:04:01,383
There was nowhere to park.
Did you refill the Brita?
95
00:04:01,385 --> 00:04:03,318
I find this void
quite calming, actually.
96
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:06,388
It's like, this time, the Xanax took me.
97
00:04:06,390 --> 00:04:08,357
Oh, I have the worst stomachache.
98
00:04:08,359 --> 00:04:10,292
Dude, relax.
99
00:04:10,294 --> 00:04:13,295
Here, let me see
if I can figure this out.
100
00:04:14,665 --> 00:04:17,933
Oh, wow, Eleanor! How'd you do that?
101
00:04:17,935 --> 00:04:19,435
I don't know. We're Janets now.
102
00:04:19,437 --> 00:04:21,503
So I thought we'd have
some bitchin' Janet powers.
103
00:04:21,505 --> 00:04:23,872
What just happened? What did you do?
104
00:04:23,874 --> 00:04:25,974
Sorry, I'm just trying
to help Chidi calm down...
105
00:04:25,976 --> 00:04:28,177
The structural integrity of
this void is already at risk.
106
00:04:28,179 --> 00:04:30,813
You can't start randomly
conjuring up objects,
107
00:04:30,815 --> 00:04:32,548
or it might shatter the void.
108
00:04:32,550 --> 00:04:33,849
Yes, it might.
109
00:04:33,851 --> 00:04:35,484
It might make everything blow up,
110
00:04:35,486 --> 00:04:37,119
and we'll all disappear forever.
111
00:04:37,121 --> 00:04:39,254
Mwah. So stop it!
112
00:04:43,794 --> 00:04:45,260
Everything okay?
113
00:04:45,262 --> 00:04:46,728
- Nope.
- Well...
114
00:04:46,730 --> 00:04:49,031
The Head Accountant
has decided to see you.
115
00:04:49,033 --> 00:04:52,401
This will happen now.
End of conversation.
116
00:04:52,403 --> 00:04:54,236
Hi.
117
00:04:54,238 --> 00:04:55,571
Hey-o!
118
00:04:55,573 --> 00:04:57,339
There they are. Good to see you.
119
00:04:57,341 --> 00:04:59,775
Sorry to keep you waiting.
I'm Neil, Head Accountant.
120
00:04:59,777 --> 00:05:02,144
- You must be Janet and Michael?
- Yes.
121
00:05:02,146 --> 00:05:05,781
Can I just say,
I really depreciate you coming.
122
00:05:06,257 --> 00:05:08,490
Huh? A little bit of accounting humor.
123
00:05:08,515 --> 00:05:09,852
- Ah.
- Yeah.
124
00:05:09,854 --> 00:05:12,210
- So what can I do for you?
- Well, I'm concerned
125
00:05:12,235 --> 00:05:15,491
about certain anomalies
in the point system.
126
00:05:15,493 --> 00:05:17,092
I'm worried that, somehow,
127
00:05:17,094 --> 00:05:19,228
the Bad Place has been tampering.
128
00:05:19,230 --> 00:05:20,562
Tampering? No, no, no.
129
00:05:20,564 --> 00:05:22,631
Quite impossible. Laughable, really.
130
00:05:22,633 --> 00:05:24,500
Janet, can you remind me
to laugh at that later?
131
00:05:24,502 --> 00:05:26,535
Your amusement has been scheduled.
132
00:05:26,537 --> 00:05:29,037
End of conversation.
133
00:05:29,039 --> 00:05:30,172
She's a lot of fun.
134
00:05:30,174 --> 00:05:32,374
Could you just humor us, though?
135
00:05:32,376 --> 00:05:34,343
Show us how the system works?
136
00:05:34,345 --> 00:05:37,012
Uh, well, I suppose I could
give you a quick tour.
137
00:05:37,014 --> 00:05:40,449
We don't get a lot of visitors.
Follow me.
138
00:05:40,451 --> 00:05:42,150
Eleanor, how'd you know
139
00:05:42,152 --> 00:05:44,319
I always wanted a dog like this?
140
00:05:44,321 --> 00:05:46,255
Funny story, it's one of the things
141
00:05:46,257 --> 00:05:48,090
I saw in the alternate timeline,
142
00:05:48,092 --> 00:05:52,528
where we were soul mates
on and off for 300 years.
143
00:05:52,530 --> 00:05:54,363
Maybe we should talk about that?
144
00:05:54,365 --> 00:05:56,064
Well, I suppose we can,
145
00:05:56,066 --> 00:05:59,234
but there's not that much to talk about.
146
00:05:59,236 --> 00:06:01,203
The things you saw
weren't part of my life,
147
00:06:01,205 --> 00:06:02,604
so they didn't happen to me.
148
00:06:02,606 --> 00:06:04,064
What the hell
are you talking about, man?
149
00:06:04,089 --> 00:06:06,208
Of course it was you. I saw it.
150
00:06:06,210 --> 00:06:09,478
Well, it was a Chidi, sure,
but it wasn't me Chidi.
151
00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:11,346
This is a classic
philosophical question.
152
00:06:11,348 --> 00:06:13,621
The concept of the self, or who we are.
153
00:06:13,646 --> 00:06:15,050
Philosophically speaking,
154
00:06:15,052 --> 00:06:18,253
there's the Chidi I am,
who lived a certain life,
155
00:06:18,255 --> 00:06:20,088
and there's the Chidi you saw...
156
00:06:20,090 --> 00:06:22,457
your soul mate or whatever,
157
00:06:22,459 --> 00:06:25,227
who had some entirely different life.
158
00:06:25,229 --> 00:06:26,995
They're not the same Chidis.
159
00:06:26,997 --> 00:06:29,064
I'm so sorry. Yeah, no, I get it.
160
00:06:29,066 --> 00:06:31,767
Counterpoint... that's the
dumbest thing you've ever said,
161
00:06:31,769 --> 00:06:33,035
and you do not deserve a puppy!
162
00:06:33,037 --> 00:06:34,636
I'm un-blooping your puppy!
163
00:06:36,473 --> 00:06:38,574
Things are getting cuter,
164
00:06:38,576 --> 00:06:40,386
and I want them to get less cute!
165
00:06:45,129 --> 00:06:47,253
So this is the main feed.
166
00:06:47,285 --> 00:06:50,253
Every action by every human
on Earth is recorded
167
00:06:50,255 --> 00:06:52,922
and then sent here
to be assigned a point value
168
00:06:52,924 --> 00:06:55,725
based on the absolute
moral worth of that action.
169
00:06:55,727 --> 00:06:57,861
For example, a couple in Osaka, Japan,
170
00:06:57,863 --> 00:07:00,296
just decided to have
a destination wedding.
171
00:07:00,298 --> 00:07:02,365
Negative 1,200 points.
172
00:07:02,367 --> 00:07:04,801
Oh, and it's
a destination theme wedding.
173
00:07:04,803 --> 00:07:06,536
Negative 4,300.
174
00:07:07,572 --> 00:07:09,272
The theme's "Lord of the Rings."
175
00:07:09,274 --> 00:07:10,540
They're basically doomed.
176
00:07:10,542 --> 00:07:12,208
Ah, here's one.
177
00:07:12,210 --> 00:07:14,077
This means that someone
has just done something
178
00:07:14,079 --> 00:07:15,612
which has never been done before.
179
00:07:15,614 --> 00:07:18,381
"Richard Moore of Sugarland, Texas,
180
00:07:18,383 --> 00:07:20,116
"hollowed out an eggplant
181
00:07:20,118 --> 00:07:23,086
and filled it
with hot sauce and nickels."
182
00:07:23,088 --> 00:07:25,288
And amazingly,
it's not a weird sex thing.
183
00:07:25,290 --> 00:07:28,324
99% of all new human behaviors
are weird sex things.
184
00:07:28,349 --> 00:07:31,526
But not in this... oh, no,
it is a weird sex thing, yeah.
185
00:07:31,563 --> 00:07:33,496
Well, then we zip that over
to the relevant departments.
186
00:07:33,498 --> 00:07:35,999
In this case, Anastasia in the
Stuffed Vegetable Department.
187
00:07:36,001 --> 00:07:38,435
We've got Hector over in American Coins,
188
00:07:38,437 --> 00:07:40,737
and my dear buddy, Matt,
in Weird Sex Things.
189
00:07:40,739 --> 00:07:43,573
I'm still waiting on a
response to the request I filed
190
00:07:43,575 --> 00:07:45,108
for immediate suicide.
191
00:07:45,110 --> 00:07:46,376
Request denied.
192
00:07:46,378 --> 00:07:48,211
I love Matty. He's hilarious.
193
00:07:48,213 --> 00:07:51,147
So they now examine the action...
194
00:07:51,149 --> 00:07:54,851
its use of resources,
the intentions behind it,
195
00:07:54,853 --> 00:07:56,486
its effects on others.
196
00:07:56,488 --> 00:07:59,155
Correct. And you end up with this.
197
00:07:59,157 --> 00:08:01,925
And here is why tampering
is impossible...
198
00:08:01,927 --> 00:08:03,927
because this score
is then double-checked
199
00:08:03,929 --> 00:08:07,230
by 3 billion other accountants,
all chosen at random,
200
00:08:07,232 --> 00:08:09,499
and if they all come
to the same conclusion,
201
00:08:09,501 --> 00:08:11,768
which they always do,
it makes this official.
202
00:08:11,770 --> 00:08:13,470
Anyone who does this same action
203
00:08:13,472 --> 00:08:15,972
in the exact same way
loses this many points.
204
00:08:15,974 --> 00:08:18,274
When people die,
their biographical history
205
00:08:18,276 --> 00:08:21,211
and final point totals are sent
to the relevant destination.
206
00:08:21,213 --> 00:08:23,747
This batch is going to the Bad Place.
207
00:08:23,749 --> 00:08:25,215
Thank you, Doris.
208
00:08:27,185 --> 00:08:29,619
The system is flawless, and
tampering is quite impossible.
209
00:08:29,621 --> 00:08:32,021
I see. Could we look at one
210
00:08:32,023 --> 00:08:34,824
specific file, though,
just to make sure?
211
00:08:34,826 --> 00:08:36,726
Oh, who do you want to see...
212
00:08:36,728 --> 00:08:38,294
Genghis Khan, Marie Antoinette?
213
00:08:38,296 --> 00:08:41,164
Walt Disney's got some
freaky stuff in his file.
214
00:08:41,166 --> 00:08:43,967
Doug Forcett.
215
00:08:43,969 --> 00:08:45,769
I don't get this, man.
216
00:08:45,771 --> 00:08:48,037
Why wouldn't you want to know
what our life was like?
217
00:08:48,039 --> 00:08:49,873
You're not even a little bit
curious what it was like
218
00:08:49,875 --> 00:08:51,107
to hit this?
219
00:08:51,109 --> 00:08:52,809
I don't mean this this.
220
00:08:52,811 --> 00:08:55,512
Although, frankly,
I would also hit this this.
221
00:08:55,514 --> 00:08:56,946
I don't want to see those memories
222
00:08:56,948 --> 00:08:58,848
because, philosophically speaking,
223
00:08:58,850 --> 00:09:00,717
they're none of my business.
224
00:09:00,719 --> 00:09:02,519
They happened to someone else.
225
00:09:02,521 --> 00:09:04,354
Let me explain.
226
00:09:04,356 --> 00:09:06,356
Take a seat.
227
00:09:06,358 --> 00:09:08,358
Conceptions of the self.
228
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,293
Let's start with John Locke,
who believed
229
00:09:10,295 --> 00:09:12,262
that personal identity was based
230
00:09:12,264 --> 00:09:14,931
on having a continued consciousness...
231
00:09:14,933 --> 00:09:16,699
essentially, memory.
232
00:09:16,701 --> 00:09:19,102
Memories are links in a chain
233
00:09:19,104 --> 00:09:21,304
that together form a single self.
234
00:09:21,306 --> 00:09:23,106
If I can't remember what happened
235
00:09:23,108 --> 00:09:26,009
because it happened to a Chidi
from another timeline,
236
00:09:26,011 --> 00:09:28,411
it's not a unified me.
237
00:09:28,413 --> 00:09:29,746
Just because you don't
remember doing something
238
00:09:29,748 --> 00:09:31,114
doesn't mean you didn't do it.
239
00:09:31,116 --> 00:09:32,916
I have no idea how it happened,
240
00:09:32,918 --> 00:09:35,485
but there is definitely
a tattoo on my butt
241
00:09:35,487 --> 00:09:36,986
that says "Jasom."
242
00:09:36,988 --> 00:09:38,521
That leads us to Derek Parfit.
243
00:09:38,523 --> 00:09:40,390
- It does?
- Parfit said
244
00:09:40,392 --> 00:09:42,792
even if I have memories
from an earlier time,
245
00:09:42,794 --> 00:09:45,962
that doesn't necessarily mean it was me.
246
00:09:45,964 --> 00:09:48,097
After all, if my brain was split in two
247
00:09:48,099 --> 00:09:50,300
and each half was put
in a different person,
248
00:09:50,302 --> 00:09:51,935
which one is me?
249
00:09:51,937 --> 00:09:54,103
All I know is that other Chidi
250
00:09:54,105 --> 00:09:56,973
doesn't exist anymore,
and this one does.
251
00:09:56,975 --> 00:09:59,209
So this must be the real Chidi.
252
00:09:59,211 --> 00:10:00,877
And all I know is that you're just
253
00:10:00,879 --> 00:10:02,712
barfing Wikipedia all over everyone
254
00:10:02,714 --> 00:10:05,148
to avoid talking about your feelings.
255
00:10:05,150 --> 00:10:08,451
Let's talk about David Hume.
256
00:10:10,689 --> 00:10:13,823
Here we go, the Book of Dougs.
257
00:10:13,825 --> 00:10:16,626
Let's have a look.
258
00:10:16,628 --> 00:10:19,529
Doug Forbush, Doug Forcap...
259
00:10:19,531 --> 00:10:21,564
Doug L. Forcett.
260
00:10:21,566 --> 00:10:24,267
Hey, no peeking. Accountants only.
261
00:10:24,269 --> 00:10:26,636
Can you just tell me his total so far?
262
00:10:26,638 --> 00:10:30,306
Looks like he's at 520,000 points.
263
00:10:30,308 --> 00:10:32,976
- Well done, Doug.
- So that's... that's good?
264
00:10:32,978 --> 00:10:34,744
Oh, it's excellent.
265
00:10:34,746 --> 00:10:36,713
Wait, he's 68 years old?
266
00:10:36,715 --> 00:10:38,181
Oh, that's terrible. He's screwed.
267
00:10:38,183 --> 00:10:39,983
I knew it!
268
00:10:39,985 --> 00:10:43,920
Doug has spent his entire life
being nothing but good.
269
00:10:43,922 --> 00:10:45,755
He once found a dollar on the ground,
270
00:10:45,757 --> 00:10:47,690
and he sent it
to the Canadian government
271
00:10:47,692 --> 00:10:49,985
to help pay down their national debt.
272
00:10:50,010 --> 00:10:52,395
And he isn't even close to getting in?
273
00:10:52,397 --> 00:10:53,696
How can that be?
274
00:10:53,698 --> 00:10:55,498
Look, mate, the points are indisputable.
275
00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:57,367
They have been since the beginning.
276
00:10:57,369 --> 00:10:59,402
"Og Gives His Rock to Grog."
277
00:10:59,404 --> 00:11:01,304
First ever act of human altruism.
278
00:11:01,306 --> 00:11:03,206
Og earned 10,000 points that day.
279
00:11:03,208 --> 00:11:04,741
Of course, then Grog used that rock
280
00:11:04,743 --> 00:11:07,210
to beat Og's brains in
and lost a million points.
281
00:11:07,212 --> 00:11:10,947
The point is, the math is
cold, objective, and airtight,
282
00:11:10,949 --> 00:11:12,215
and unless you can prove otherwise,
283
00:11:12,217 --> 00:11:13,917
I don't know how I can help you.
284
00:11:13,919 --> 00:11:16,509
I just got 700 new Weird Sex Thing files
285
00:11:16,534 --> 00:11:17,754
in the last one second.
286
00:11:17,756 --> 00:11:19,956
Oh, yeah, Burning Man just started.
287
00:11:19,958 --> 00:11:22,158
Buckle up, Matty.
It's going to be a long week.
288
00:11:23,795 --> 00:11:25,895
So, in essence, Hume thought
289
00:11:25,897 --> 00:11:27,964
that we don't truly have a self.
290
00:11:27,966 --> 00:11:30,900
We're just a bundle of our
ever-changing impressions.
291
00:11:30,902 --> 00:11:33,303
Just admit it, man. You're embarrassed
292
00:11:33,305 --> 00:11:34,826
you fell in love
with an Arizona trash bag.
293
00:11:34,851 --> 00:11:36,873
Eleanor, it's not personal.
294
00:11:36,875 --> 00:11:39,059
Someone fell in love with you.
295
00:11:39,084 --> 00:11:40,443
It's just not me.
296
00:11:40,445 --> 00:11:42,312
I told you not to conjure anything.
297
00:11:42,314 --> 00:11:45,315
Sorry, I-I just swapped the
living room for a classroom.
298
00:11:45,317 --> 00:11:46,983
Not you, him.
299
00:11:46,985 --> 00:11:49,953
- Jason, what is wrong with you?
- Sorry, Janet.
300
00:11:49,955 --> 00:11:51,487
I didn't mean to conjure Pillboi.
301
00:11:51,489 --> 00:11:53,856
I was just thinking about
how much fun we used to have
302
00:11:53,858 --> 00:11:55,925
hanging out in his broken hot tub,
303
00:11:55,927 --> 00:11:57,694
and then he showed up,
304
00:11:57,696 --> 00:11:59,963
Yeah, I was just chilling,
being nothing,
305
00:11:59,965 --> 00:12:01,798
and then all of a sudden, I was.
306
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:02,799
Oh!
307
00:12:02,801 --> 00:12:03,900
Good-bye, Pillboi.
308
00:12:03,902 --> 00:12:07,737
Aw, dip. I'm not again!
309
00:12:07,739 --> 00:12:08,972
Oh.
310
00:12:08,974 --> 00:12:10,573
You need to hurry.
311
00:12:10,575 --> 00:12:12,875
My molecular essence is fragmenting,
312
00:12:12,877 --> 00:12:15,478
and it's giving me the worst headache.
313
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:17,280
Okay, here's a question.
314
00:12:17,282 --> 00:12:19,482
If Doug Forcett's
not getting in, who is?
315
00:12:19,484 --> 00:12:21,317
Let's look at one more file...
316
00:12:21,319 --> 00:12:23,987
someone who... who's gotten
into the Good Place this year.
317
00:12:23,989 --> 00:12:26,923
All right, why don't we look at...
318
00:12:26,925 --> 00:12:29,258
No one. No one got in.
319
00:12:29,260 --> 00:12:32,128
- No one's gotten in for a year?
- Correct.
320
00:12:32,130 --> 00:12:34,030
How about the last three years?
321
00:12:34,032 --> 00:12:36,933
All right, uh, boo-doo-doo...
322
00:12:39,704 --> 00:12:42,271
Uh, no one.
323
00:12:42,273 --> 00:12:45,141
When was the last time someone got in?
324
00:12:45,143 --> 00:12:46,843
The last time someone got enough points
325
00:12:46,845 --> 00:12:49,379
to get into the Good Place was...
326
00:12:49,381 --> 00:12:51,748
521 years ago.
327
00:12:53,136 --> 00:12:56,571
Michael, um...
328
00:12:56,721 --> 00:12:58,821
Yo, homey.
329
00:12:58,823 --> 00:13:00,790
You and Eleanor were fighting before,
330
00:13:00,792 --> 00:13:03,292
and I couldn't help but overhear.
331
00:13:03,294 --> 00:13:06,295
Hey, if we hear with our ears,
332
00:13:06,297 --> 00:13:08,865
why is it called "butt overhearing"?
333
00:13:08,867 --> 00:13:12,869
Bro, if you don't like her,
you should just tell her.
334
00:13:12,871 --> 00:13:16,839
It's not about whether I like Eleanor.
335
00:13:16,841 --> 00:13:19,042
I got into philosophy
to try to make sense
336
00:13:19,044 --> 00:13:21,244
of a world that almost
never makes sense.
337
00:13:21,246 --> 00:13:24,514
And that was before I learned
that I died
338
00:13:24,516 --> 00:13:28,418
and then un-died and then re-died.
339
00:13:28,420 --> 00:13:31,054
I just can't take one more thing.
340
00:13:31,056 --> 00:13:32,622
It's too much.
341
00:13:32,624 --> 00:13:34,624
I'm going to tell you a story.
342
00:13:34,626 --> 00:13:36,692
Back in Jacksonville, there was this guy
343
00:13:36,694 --> 00:13:39,796
in my 80-person dance crew
named Stank Toby.
344
00:13:39,798 --> 00:13:43,366
Hang on. It was a 60-person dance crew.
345
00:13:43,368 --> 00:13:45,168
Um...
346
00:13:45,170 --> 00:13:48,271
Oh, dip! What are numbers?
347
00:13:48,273 --> 00:13:50,440
You're not Jason-Janet.
348
00:13:50,442 --> 00:13:53,976
You're Eleanor-Janet
pretending to be Jason-Janet.
349
00:13:53,978 --> 00:13:57,914
That is so wrong and so confusing!
350
00:13:57,916 --> 00:13:59,782
What was I supposed to do, man?
351
00:13:59,784 --> 00:14:00,883
You wouldn't talk to me.
352
00:14:00,885 --> 00:14:02,552
This seemed like the only option.
353
00:14:02,554 --> 00:14:04,253
Hi, Chidi, I'm Eleanor.
354
00:14:04,255 --> 00:14:05,888
I'm Arizona shrimp horny.
355
00:14:05,890 --> 00:14:07,890
That's not what I sound like, Jason.
356
00:14:07,892 --> 00:14:09,559
- Get out of here.
- Oh, dip.
357
00:14:10,895 --> 00:14:13,362
Look, you know what? Just forget it.
358
00:14:13,364 --> 00:14:14,797
What am I even doing?
359
00:14:14,799 --> 00:14:16,332
I'm... I'm chasing a dude
who isn't into me.
360
00:14:16,334 --> 00:14:18,701
I'm making myself vulnerable
for no reason.
361
00:14:18,703 --> 00:14:21,070
I don't even know who I am anymore!
362
00:14:22,073 --> 00:14:24,540
Uh-oh. This is new.
363
00:14:24,542 --> 00:14:26,509
I'm so annoyed at myself.
364
00:14:26,511 --> 00:14:29,412
Gah! Stupid, Eleanor! Stupid!
365
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,421
This whole thing sucks, you know?
366
00:14:32,453 --> 00:14:33,786
Eleanor, you... you're not...
367
00:14:33,788 --> 00:14:35,472
The one thing I never wanted to do,
368
00:14:35,558 --> 00:14:37,676
ever, for any reason,
was to follow some guy around
369
00:14:37,739 --> 00:14:39,066
like a lame puppy dog!
370
00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:41,196
I mean, look at me.
I don't need to do that.
371
00:14:41,198 --> 00:14:42,888
I can get any guy I want.
372
00:14:42,933 --> 00:14:45,700
- Eleanor, just hang on.
- What, dude, what?
373
00:14:45,702 --> 00:14:48,303
- What do you want?
- What is going on?
374
00:14:48,305 --> 00:14:51,777
Okay, well, this is bad.
375
00:14:51,802 --> 00:14:53,111
Why are you staring at me?
376
00:14:53,134 --> 00:14:55,301
Do I have a zit on my nose or something?
377
00:14:55,303 --> 00:14:56,936
Your sense of self is crumbling,
378
00:14:56,938 --> 00:14:58,771
and it's taking the void down with it.
379
00:14:58,773 --> 00:15:01,539
Great. So I don't feel
like myself for two seconds,
380
00:15:01,564 --> 00:15:02,908
and it breaks the universe?
381
00:15:02,910 --> 00:15:05,010
How come nothing went wrong
when Chidi freaked out
382
00:15:05,012 --> 00:15:07,146
about his identity for three hours?
383
00:15:07,148 --> 00:15:09,515
Because freaking out about
everything is my identity.
384
00:15:09,517 --> 00:15:10,783
Not to brag.
385
00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:12,785
I need you to hold it together.
386
00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:14,553
Try to do something Eleanor-y.
387
00:15:14,555 --> 00:15:15,854
Laugh at someone who falls down,
388
00:15:15,856 --> 00:15:17,523
or show up to an event under-dressed
389
00:15:17,525 --> 00:15:18,958
and get mad at everyone else somehow.
390
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,426
I'll be right back.
391
00:15:23,531 --> 00:15:26,599
I know I asked you this before, but...
392
00:15:26,601 --> 00:15:29,535
No, darling, this is not
where the Mac and PC guys live.
393
00:15:29,537 --> 00:15:32,571
Whoa! Check out this dope flat-screen!
394
00:15:32,573 --> 00:15:36,075
It's air-mounted!
Do you see this, Tahani?
395
00:15:36,077 --> 00:15:39,211
This must be where Janet
stores all her information.
396
00:15:39,213 --> 00:15:41,113
This screen can literally show us
397
00:15:41,115 --> 00:15:43,782
anything that has ever happened.
398
00:15:43,784 --> 00:15:46,185
Cartoons, cartoons!
399
00:15:46,187 --> 00:15:47,820
I think it's broken.
400
00:15:47,822 --> 00:15:49,955
TV, play cartoons for Jason!
401
00:15:51,892 --> 00:15:54,860
Oh, my. Janet has a crush on you.
402
00:15:54,862 --> 00:15:56,128
I'm sorry.
403
00:15:56,130 --> 00:15:58,564
It's not just a crush.
404
00:15:58,566 --> 00:16:03,335
I think in one of the reboots,
you and Janet were married.
405
00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,170
Whoa, married?
406
00:16:05,172 --> 00:16:06,739
Oh.
407
00:16:06,741 --> 00:16:10,042
This flat-screen must have been
a wedding present.
408
00:16:10,044 --> 00:16:12,745
It's all starting to make sense now.
409
00:16:12,747 --> 00:16:14,313
Well, I've got to run.
410
00:16:14,315 --> 00:16:16,048
We're having a little thing
in the break room
411
00:16:16,050 --> 00:16:17,583
for Marisol's birthday.
412
00:16:17,585 --> 00:16:20,252
She turning 39,000,000... again.
413
00:16:20,254 --> 00:16:21,954
So, if there's nothing else...
414
00:16:21,956 --> 00:16:23,455
"If there's nothing else"?
415
00:16:23,457 --> 00:16:25,357
Neil, be logical.
416
00:16:25,359 --> 00:16:29,228
Not one Good Place resident
in over 500 years?
417
00:16:29,230 --> 00:16:32,531
Not Jonas Salk? Not Harriet Tubman?
418
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:35,134
Not one single Golden Girl?
419
00:16:35,136 --> 00:16:38,437
The Bad Place has hacked your system!
420
00:16:38,439 --> 00:16:40,706
No, it hasn't. How dare you?
421
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:42,474
Frankly, I'm beginning
to resent your tone, sir.
422
00:16:42,476 --> 00:16:43,809
If you've got a problem,
then go to the Good Place
423
00:16:43,811 --> 00:16:44,943
and take it up with the Committee.
424
00:16:44,945 --> 00:16:46,245
Now, if you'll excuse me,
425
00:16:46,247 --> 00:16:47,479
I have to get to the break room,
426
00:16:47,481 --> 00:16:48,547
because there's cake over there,
427
00:16:48,549 --> 00:16:49,882
and if I don't move quickly,
428
00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:51,583
Erika will get the last corner piece.
429
00:16:51,585 --> 00:16:53,185
Good day, sir!
430
00:16:53,187 --> 00:16:55,087
No, no, no. This can't be happening.
431
00:16:55,089 --> 00:16:57,423
No, he was supposed
to tell us what to do.
432
00:16:57,425 --> 00:17:00,893
If he's not going to fix this, who is?
433
00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:02,494
You, Michael.
434
00:17:02,496 --> 00:17:04,430
It has to be you.
435
00:17:04,432 --> 00:17:06,398
We keep wandering around
these different realms
436
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,133
expecting someone else
to have the answer,
437
00:17:08,135 --> 00:17:09,501
but no one ever does.
438
00:17:09,503 --> 00:17:11,203
You're the guy, Michael.
439
00:17:11,205 --> 00:17:12,771
You're the only one who can fix
440
00:17:12,773 --> 00:17:14,406
whatever's wrong with the afterlife.
441
00:17:14,408 --> 00:17:16,008
But before we get into that,
442
00:17:16,010 --> 00:17:18,357
Eleanor's identity is
shattering inside of my void,
443
00:17:18,382 --> 00:17:19,303
and I might blow up.
444
00:17:19,328 --> 00:17:20,746
So I'm going to need you
to grab a paper clip
445
00:17:20,748 --> 00:17:22,748
and marbleize me, like, yesterday.
446
00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:23,984
What's going to happen to the humans?
447
00:17:24,009 --> 00:17:25,656
No idea, but I can't
take them out of my void
448
00:17:25,681 --> 00:17:26,888
in the middle of this office.
449
00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:28,974
And if we do nothing,
everyone's gone-zo.
450
00:17:28,999 --> 00:17:32,224
Marbleize me, get us somewhere
safe, and bring me back.
451
00:17:32,226 --> 00:17:33,726
Right, a paper clip!
I need a paper clip!
452
00:17:33,728 --> 00:17:36,328
Hey, Matt. Do you have a paper clip?
453
00:17:36,330 --> 00:17:38,464
What are you going to use it for?
454
00:17:38,466 --> 00:17:40,799
- Chidi, I'm scared.
- I know.
455
00:17:40,801 --> 00:17:42,134
What am I supposed to be
doing right now?
456
00:17:42,136 --> 00:17:43,402
I don't remember.
457
00:17:43,404 --> 00:17:45,904
I'm having a hard time remembering.
458
00:17:45,906 --> 00:17:48,407
Right.
459
00:17:48,409 --> 00:17:51,009
Memories, you need
to remember who you are.
460
00:17:51,011 --> 00:17:54,012
You're Eleanor Shellstrop
from Phoenix, Arizona.
461
00:17:54,014 --> 00:17:56,682
Your favorite meal is shrimp scampi.
462
00:17:56,684 --> 00:17:58,751
You listed your emergency
contact as Britney Spears
463
00:17:58,753 --> 00:18:00,285
as a long-shot way of meeting her,
464
00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:02,254
and your favorite movie is that clip
465
00:18:02,256 --> 00:18:04,443
of John Travolta saying "Adele Dazeem."
466
00:18:04,485 --> 00:18:06,485
You flew halfway around the world
467
00:18:06,487 --> 00:18:08,887
because you wanted to be
a better person,
468
00:18:08,889 --> 00:18:10,489
and it was very brave.
469
00:18:10,491 --> 00:18:12,858
You're sharp, and you're strong.
470
00:18:12,860 --> 00:18:15,160
You make fun of me a lot.
471
00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:17,229
You once called me
a human snooze button.
472
00:18:17,231 --> 00:18:19,298
but you also showed up in my classroom
473
00:18:19,300 --> 00:18:21,533
when I was drowning in despair
and canned chili,
474
00:18:21,535 --> 00:18:24,403
and you basically saved my life.
475
00:18:24,405 --> 00:18:26,305
You have very high self-esteem,
476
00:18:26,307 --> 00:18:30,009
and a very low tolerance
for men who wear sandals,
477
00:18:30,011 --> 00:18:32,211
and your worst nightmare
478
00:18:32,213 --> 00:18:35,781
is someone saying something
nice about you to your face,
479
00:18:35,783 --> 00:18:37,683
but too bad because I need to say it
480
00:18:37,685 --> 00:18:40,252
because you deserve it.
481
00:18:40,254 --> 00:18:43,055
- Because... because...
- Chidi...
482
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:51,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
483
00:19:01,475 --> 00:19:04,310
Nice work, bud.
484
00:19:04,312 --> 00:19:06,278
Did you mean everything you said,
485
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:10,035
or did you just say it
because the world was ending?
486
00:19:11,559 --> 00:19:13,504
I really want to play this cool,
487
00:19:13,598 --> 00:19:16,522
but I'm afraid that I'm going to ruin it
488
00:19:16,524 --> 00:19:18,490
if I try to be sexy.
489
00:19:20,161 --> 00:19:21,627
I already ruined it.
490
00:19:21,629 --> 00:19:24,890
Um, saying the word "sexy"
is not sexy...
491
00:19:29,003 --> 00:19:30,436
- Wait!
- Ooh!
492
00:19:30,438 --> 00:19:31,603
I'm okay.
493
00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:33,806
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm okay.
494
00:19:33,808 --> 00:19:35,941
- Wait. Uh-oh. Ooh.
- What?
495
00:19:35,943 --> 00:19:37,576
They're not Janets anymore.
496
00:19:37,578 --> 00:19:40,043
They're them,
and they're not sitting well.
497
00:19:40,068 --> 00:19:42,448
Incoming.
498
00:19:46,220 --> 00:19:48,390
They're all here, and they're safe...
499
00:19:50,629 --> 00:19:52,328
From the old scary thing.
500
00:19:52,353 --> 00:19:54,687
Now there's a new scary thing.
501
00:19:55,537 --> 00:19:57,693
Hi, guys, I'm Neil.
Welcome to Accounting.
502
00:19:57,772 --> 00:19:59,517
Now, it does seem that four of you
503
00:19:59,563 --> 00:20:01,038
are inter-dimensional fugitives,
504
00:20:01,084 --> 00:20:03,366
so I did go ahead and hit
the alarm... sorry about that.
505
00:20:03,391 --> 00:20:05,037
But there is some good news.
506
00:20:05,062 --> 00:20:06,960
- There's some cake left.
- Yes!
507
00:20:06,985 --> 00:20:08,389
Michael, what are we going to do?
508
00:20:08,414 --> 00:20:10,153
Guys, I'm so sorry.
509
00:20:10,155 --> 00:20:12,713
- The Accountant was no help.
- Rude.
510
00:20:12,738 --> 00:20:15,768
No one's gotten into
the Good Place in 500 years.
511
00:20:15,793 --> 00:20:19,395
We have no plan.
No one's coming to save us.
512
00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:25,200
So...
513
00:20:27,772 --> 00:20:29,471
I'm going to do it.
514
00:20:32,009 --> 00:20:33,545
Follow me!
515
00:20:34,225 --> 00:20:37,608
Corner piece! No!
516
00:20:40,655 --> 00:20:42,351
You can't take the Book of Dougs.
517
00:20:42,353 --> 00:20:43,652
Accountants only.
518
00:20:43,654 --> 00:20:44,987
I need one of you to volunteer
519
00:20:44,989 --> 00:20:47,856
to do something outrageously insane
520
00:20:47,858 --> 00:20:49,658
that will either make you cease to exist
521
00:20:49,660 --> 00:20:51,060
or be really fun.
522
00:20:51,062 --> 00:20:52,561
That's most of the things I've tried.
523
00:20:52,563 --> 00:20:53,796
That's my guy. Come here, come here.
524
00:20:53,798 --> 00:20:55,064
- Get in the tube.
- Oh, hell, yeah.
525
00:20:55,066 --> 00:20:57,866
I love getting in stuff.
526
00:21:04,608 --> 00:21:06,342
No way to know what happened to him.
527
00:21:06,344 --> 00:21:07,576
So, come on, let's go, everyone else.
528
00:21:07,578 --> 00:21:09,244
Come on.
529
00:21:09,246 --> 00:21:10,846
Here you go.
530
00:21:18,289 --> 00:21:19,421
Ow!
531
00:21:21,559 --> 00:21:23,492
That was awesome! That was awesome!
532
00:21:23,494 --> 00:21:24,757
I want to go again!
533
00:21:27,382 --> 00:21:29,452
Where are we?
534
00:21:30,001 --> 00:21:31,700
We're in the Good Place.
535
00:21:31,702 --> 00:21:33,268
No offense, dude, but you have told us
536
00:21:33,270 --> 00:21:35,404
a lot of lies in the last 300 years.
537
00:21:35,406 --> 00:21:37,825
So, seriously, where the fork are we?
538
00:21:39,076 --> 00:21:40,676
Fork.
539
00:21:40,974 --> 00:21:43,255
Shirt. Ash hole.
540
00:21:45,592 --> 00:21:47,992
Holy forking shirtballs.
541
00:21:48,046 --> 00:21:50,030
We're in the Good Place!
542
00:21:50,178 --> 00:21:55,178
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
542
00:21:56,305 --> 00:22:02,299
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