All language subtitles for Last Man Standing - 03x20 - Parenting Bud.WEB-DL.English.HI.C.updated.Addic7ed.com

"Last man standing" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Good morning.

Oh, it will be once this
bran muffin works its magic.

I used to get a peck on
the lips in the morning.

Now I get an update on your colon.

Colon?

I hope you guys are
talking about punctuation.

Listen, I won't have time
to make dinner tonight,

so I'm just gonna pick something up.

Any preference?

I don't care. I'm easy, honey.

Oh, good. There's a new
Greek place I want to try.

No, no. I don't want to do that.

Do you really want to
hang out with the greeks?

I mean, that mediterranean work ethic

has got the whole world
economy in a tailspin.

I just wanted a kabob.

Where, uh... where
do you want to go?

Honey, I don't care. I'm easy.

Uh, then... Chinese?

Pass!

We'll all be eating that
food full-time soon enough.

You know where this is headed, mom.

Just say Texas barbecue.

That sounds good. I'm not picky.

All right.

Good morning.

Hey, honey. Hey, kris.

Boy, you spend a lot of time over here.

You're the one who
wanted to live with Ryan.

I think you go home and take your medicine.

I just needed a place to
chill for an hour, okay?

Boyd had me up all night
with a stomach virus.

Oh, so you thought you'd
bring that virus over here.

Thanks. Next time, bring
doughnuts. No, no, no!

Don't touch the handle of the coffee pot!

You'll get your germy spores on everything.

I'll get it for you, honey.

Thank you.

Maybe I should just
drink my coffee outside.

All right.

Wipe down that door handle
and then bury the cup.

I am not standing outside, okay?

I promise I'll try not to breathe on you.

[ Doorbell rings ]

So is Ryan taking care of
my grandson? Yeah, of course.

Honey, men are capable of
taking care of sick children.

Uh, yeah, they're called doctors.

Your grandma escaped again, Kyle?

I'm so sorry.

Well, listen, she couldn't
have gotten very far.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Well, why would they put a retirement
home right next to a bus station?

[ Doorbell rings ] Why won't
anybody answer the door?

Kyle's not gonna be at work today.

Why won't anybody answer my question?

Hey, Larabee, come on in.

Hey, Baxter.

Hey, I've been ringing that
doorbell for two minutes.

I would have jumped right up, but you
know what they say about white men.

[ Chuckles ] We say a lot of things.

Hey, you know, I noticed you don't have
a home-security sign in the front lawn.

I didn't need one until the
neighborhood got so diverse.

Oh.

I started my own
home-security business...

Something to, you know, keep
me busy since my retirement.

Hey, that's great.

I mean, who would know more about
security than a guy like you?

Oh, you mean, "who knows more
"about breaking into people's homes

than someone who's diverse?"

No.

I was thinking that
because you're a marine.

But yours works, too.

Hey, what do you say, Baxter?

Most of the neighbors are signing up.

Do you want me to protect your home?

You got a lot of nice stuff in here.

I don't need protection.

I got all the second amendment
protection I need up in my den.

What if you're not around? What then?

You've seen me on the range, Mr. Larabee.

I could shoot the nads off
a squirrel at 100 yards.

Oh. Hey, what if the
robber isn't a squirrel?

Bigger nads, bigger target.

Just, uh, think about it, Baxter.

A-and, Eve, stop by later
with your pellet gun.

I got a bushy-tailed baritone in my
cedar tree that needs to go soprano.

Okay, so your grandma's on a bus to Reno?

All right, well, good
luck finding her, babe.

And, hey, if she makes
it all the way to Reno,

good luck to your grandma, too, huh?

Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen
www.addic7ed.com

let me get this straight now.

Boyd was sick, and Ryan was watching him?

Yep. But he's the dad.

I know. It's crazy, right?

Mike, the world is upside down.

We should just all start
walking around on our hands.

What's all the chitchat, ladies?

Dad, what are you doing over here?

Ed and I are going off to Kansas
for an overnight hunting trip.

I can't go hunting. I got stuff to do here.

You weren't invited.

Just us vets.

Come on. Let's go grab
some lunch first. Good.

Like I said, I'm busy.

You weren't invited to that, either.

You got to try the b�nh mi at
my favorite vietnamese place.

All right.

I'll introduce you to a kid there
who looks suspiciously like you.

So they shot at you in Vietnam, and
you're going to a vietnamese restaurant?

Yeah, I have a very complicated
relationship with southeast Asia.

Dad, what did you do to your head?

Uh, it's nothing.

I, uh... I got rolled
the other night, uh...

You what?

Yeah, they grabbed my stash.

That's pot talk for a...

I know what a stash is.

You got mugged?

I was leaving the grow house, guy jumped
me, and gave me a knock on the head.

Phew!

I came to, there was a cat licking my face.

Kind of nice. I might get a cat.

So, your takeaway from getting
mugged is you're gonna get a cat?

I told you not to put a grow
house in that neighborhood.

It's dangerous.

What are you using for protection?

Lana Turner, Raquel Welch.

Because they're both knockouts.

What do you say we get him a 9-millimeter?

We customize it and get you
a concealed-weapons permit.

I don't want a gun.

I don't see so good these days.

You don't see so good?

You're taking him hunting?

Hey, why don't you guys
take Dick Cheney with you?

I'm okay. Don't be such a worrywart.

It's gonna be fine,
Mike. It's gonna be fine.

Kyle, Kyle, pull me a kevlar flak
jacket, bright orange, heavy-duty.

Yes, sir.

[ Knocking ]

Hey, uh, I'm really sorry I
missed work yesterday, Mr. B.

My grandma got away again.

Yeah, Mandy told me. Did you find her?

Yeah. Yeah, you know, it took a while.

You know, you'd think
an 80-year-old woman

playing slots in her bra and a
sequined cowboy hat would stand out.

Not in Reno.

Did you grab the right one? [ Chuckles ]

Eventually.

The first one was way too
willing to get in the van with me.

My grandma put up more of a fight.

She's still of sound body,
just not so sound of mind.

Well, you got a lot of
your grandmother in you.

Thanks, Mr. B.

Vanessa: I knew this
pot shop was dangerous.

At least when your dad was
in the construction business,

when he got hit on the head,
he was wearing a hard hat.

This has nothing to do with
him having a marijuana shop.

It has everything to do
with him getting older.

Honey, he was carrying thousands
of dollars worth of reefer.

[ Chuckles ] "Reefer"?

Mm.

Now who's getting old?

I guess your dad's just getting to that age

where he's gonna need more help from us.

I offered to buy him a
handgun. What more can I do?

People are living longer these days,
despite your policy of arming the elderly.

His vision's going. He says he
needs a doctor's appointment.

How do I do that?

You mention it to me,
and I take care of it.

I just mentioned it to you.

I'll call in the morning.

Old people are so helpless.

Mm.

And now I got my business
partner and my half-blind dad

running around Kansas with rifles.

I should call and see if
they're both still alive.

You know, I wonder if our kids
will be as concerned about us

when we're drooling out of
the corners of our mouths.

Well, thank God I still got Eve.

No, hey.

We still have Eve.

You keep telling yourself that.

Honey, you know, no, no, statistically,

you... you're not
even gonna need Eve.

Uh, women, on average, outlive
their spouses by 12 years.

Well, I'm gonna turn that around. Oh?

You remember, I'm the one
that services your car.

And I'm the one that prepares your meals.

Hey. How's Boyd feeling?

Oh, he's fine. He's back at school.

But now Ryan is sick.

Great.

Now you're here spreading Ryan germs.

Why don't you bring over some
lepers, and we'll all play twister?

You know, when Kyle's sick, he
won't let anyone take care of him.

It's one of the things I love about Kyle.

No, w-when you care about somebody,

you look after them, and
then they look after you.

I know.

If you're nice to
somebody, then they owe you,

then you got 'em right where you want 'em.

No, they don't owe you.

You both do it because you want to.

But... I don't want to.

So that's where your
little system falls apart.

Yeah, mom, what are you getting at? No.

Do you have some gross old-person disease?

Oh, God. Mom. You do look terrible.

I feel fine, and I look great.

Now, someday...
Decades from now...

I might need you girls to take care of me.

So, when you say "take care of,"

I hope you're not talking about
anything that requires latex gloves.

Maybe, yeah. People get
older... things leak.

Oh, come on, no! Stop!

I'm not gonna leak.

But your dad and I might be
your responsibility someday.

Mm. No problem.

By then, old people will
be cryogenically frozen.

So I'll be sure to say hello each
time I reach for a Popsicle.

Maybe... maybe we could keep her
mouth open just a little bit.

Use her as a bottle opener.

Just like...

Very nice. Very nice.

That'll teach me to discuss a serious
topic with people who supposedly love me.

I will be there for you mom, okay,
and one of these two can have dad.

Not it! Not it!

[ Laughs ]

You're stuck with dad!

No! I want mom!

Girls, girls, there's plenty
of future me to go around.

Wait a second, Eve.

I thought you were daddy's little girl.

I am. [ Sighs ]

But it would be hard
for me to watch dad go.

So it'll be easier for you to watch me go?

A little.

I'll take it. I'll take it.

Um, I mean, you'd all prefer
to take care of me, so...

Yeah, you'd be a piece of cake.

Yeah, you're easygoing. Compared to dad.

He always gets his way.

No, no, no. I-I don't
know that that's true.

Yes, like the other night, remember?

When you wanted Greek food and you
ended up with Texas barbecue?

You're a pushover.

No, no, I'm not.

You are.

Okay, maybe I am.

But, you know, there is definitely
a give-and-take with your father.

[ Doorbell rings ]

And I get my way plenty of times.

[ Scoffs ] Listen to her.

She already has dementia. [ Chuckles ]

Hey! My hearing hasn't gone yet!

Oh, hey.

Hello, Vanessa.

Hi, Chuck.

Is Mike around?

Uh, no. No, he isn't. Sorry.

Oh, I was just checking back to see

if he'd given any more thought
to using my security business.

Huh?

Uh, uh, no, he hasn't mentioned anything.

Hmm. That's weird.

You know, Carol and I
always share important things

that, you know, affect the household.

I guess you and Mike do things differently.

No, I, uh... I wouldn't mind
reactivating our home-security system.

Oh.

Yeah, but, um, I just... I
just don't know if... if...

Oh, it's okay. I know you
need to run it by Mike.

When he decides what
he wants you guys to do,

have him give me a call.
No, no, no. No, no, no.

No, no, wait, wait, Chuck, no. No, no.

Mike doesn't make all
the decisions around here.

That "welcome" mat you're standing on...

Mike wanted one that says "go away."

It says "go away."

Damn it. When did he get that?

The husband says, "try the kitchen."

[ Laughter ]

Hey, Mike.

Hey, guys, what are you doing here?

Didn't you read the doormat?

We brought back a bunch of rabbits.

Vanessa said come on out
in the back and smoke them.

Boy, you'll smoke anything
these days, won't you, dad?

We're just swapping
war stories, that's all.

Yeah, uh, pull up a chair. Have a beer.

Very generous of you, Chuck,
since it's my chair and my beer.

Believe this guy?

Called five times to check
on me during our hunting trip.

Oh, yeah. Nervous Nellie.

That's why I got you a satellite
phone, dad, so I could find you.

How come you didn't pick it up?

I don't like using that thing.
It costs 10 bucks a minute.

Yeah, it reminds me of a little place I
used to go to in Saigon during the war.

That was 10 bucks a minute, too.

So what you're saying
is you spent 10 bucks.

Ooh, Mike. [ Chuckles ]

You can't take shots
if you weren't shot at.

Let Chuck finish his story. Chuck: Okay.

The medic takes one look at my
leg wound and passes out. Mm-hmm.

And I'm thinking, "man,
this... this can't be good."

Turns out the guy was hypoglycemic. Oh.

Lucky for both of us, I had a Kit Kat.

120 degrees in that desert,
and that thing didn't melt.

You tell me God isn't American.

Our medics were so hopped up on
morphine, when I got shot, I had to pay

one of the villagers to remove the bullet.

She stitched me up and gave me
a manicure while she was at it.

Best buck and a quarter I ever spent.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, I-I was very, very
lucky. I was fortunate.

I got top-notch care for my war injuries.

I didn't know you were
shot during the war, Ed.

Yeah, I got my finger
caught in a filing cabinet.

To this day, whenever
I hear drawers slam...

I'm right back there.

I didn't, um... I didn't serve, you know?

I turned 18, and war was over.

It sucked.

And that's the last war
the U.S. was ever in.

Didn't you go to camp that
summer at evergreen lake?

Yeah, I got that horrible sunburn...

And, you know, s-swimmer's itch.

Got a big... spider bite...

During the camp
...camp drills.

Boy, look at those
rabbits coming along, dad.

You guys did really well.

Your dad got five kills...

One at 50 yards.

Yeah, hippity-hoppity, Easter's
not on its way for that bunny.

I thought you said your...
Your eyes were bothering you.

I got lucky.

You got lucky five times?

Well, after I shot the first
one, I had four rabbit's feet.

Dad.

You're clipping rabbits at 50 yards.

There's nothing wrong
with your aim or your eyes.

We're not starting that again, are we?

Look, I don't need a gun for protection.

This is not Florida, where you can go
around shooting people for no reason.

There's a reason... Same reason
I don't vacation in Florida.

I'm just saying you need some kind of
protection. It's not that big a deal.

I got this far without your help.

I can take care of myself.
Thank you very much.

Ed, give me a ride back to my shop.

Yeah, okay.

[ Clear throat ] Let it go, Mike.

The last thing guys our age need is
someone telling them they're helpless.

What was your nickname at that summer camp?

Buzzkill?

Hey, dad.

Hey, Mr. B.

Hey, you guys hungry?

Ew! Yeah, no thanks.

Um, we had dinner at
his grandma's rest home.

It was "eat with your teeth out" night.

I had like 10 tapioca cups.

I'm feeling a little woozy.

I might have gotten one with the medicine.

I've got to go take a shower.

I got hugged by like 20 people who thought

I was their granddaughter. [ Chuckles ]

And one guy who definitely didn't.

Good night.

So, um... how's your grandma?

Uh, she's good.

I'm gonna go back and sit
with her a little later.

She's still pretty agitated.

Probably because you ate her medicine.

When you do stuff like this for her, Kyle,

does she appreciate what you're doing?

Oh, no. She gets really angry.

She doesn't think she needs any
help, especially from a dunderhead.

That's her special nickname for me.

Yeah, not just hers.

I don't mind. I mean,
she's set in her ways.

That's why I got to look out for her.

I'm sorry for what she's
putting you through.

What choice do I have? She's family.

Yo.

It's open.

Yeah, I can see that.

Dad, it's me.

Uh, glad it's you, Michael.

What would you do if I was here to rob you?

Why would you rob me?

You're my son, and you're doing fine.

Yeah, you got me there.

Listen, I brought the rabbits.
You left them on the smoker.

Excellent.

So... how's the pot business?

Business is great.

I just hope people know what they're doing

putting this marijuana
stuff in their bodies.

You want some booze?

It goes good with rabbit.

Sure.

A wild Turkey toast to a
fellow fallen forest creature.

Try saying that a couple
times after a few of these.

What's this?

Don't get all excited. Let me explain.

Somebody ought to give
you a knock on the head.

I do not want a gun.

Just listen to me.

If you want me to take that,

you're gonna have to pry
it into my cold, dead hand.

What am I missing here?

I don't want to talk about it.

Don't want to talk about what, dad?

[ Sighs ]

Look, Mikey...

...there are war stories
like Ed and his paper cut.

And there are war stories...

The stuff guys don't talk
about sitting around a smoker.

I thank God every day that
you missed the draft, son.

I would never want you to know
what it's like to kill a man.

You remember their faces.
I-it sticks with you, Michael.

I really can't imagine.

I promised myself that I would never again

point one of those at
anything walking on two feet.

Unless it was an ostrich.

That would be too good to pass up.

Well, how are you gonna defend yourself?

If somebody wants my stash
that bad, they can have it.

You know what a stash is, right?

We've been through this.

I think maybe you should
get that head looked at.

Jimmy and I had no idea
what you went through.

We used to play soldier all the
time just pretending to be you.

You've always been a real
hero to us, you know that?

Thank you.

I have a plan "b"...

As in Larabee.

Chuck.

I like this guy.

[ Chuckles ]

Doesn't have such great
things to say about you.

I'd like to hire him to
do security around here.

I haven't seen a weaker defense since
the Broncos in the super bowl.

I appreciate the offer,
Mike, but I'm the father.

The father takes care of the
kids, not the other way around.

Look, I'm not talking about
taking care of you, dad.

I'm talking about the business.

Remember, I'm the marketing guy.

And I don't think customers
are gonna take too kindly

to stepping over some old dude
getting CPR out front from a cat.

Fine.

This Larabee guy...
He know his stuff?

I trust him with your life.

What about your life?

Let's see how he does with yours first.

Hey.

Hey, babe. Where...
Where have you been?

I have a little gift for you.

You're welcome.

You know, I also went
to that new Greek place,

and I got myself a delicious kabob.

Sounds like you've had a big day.

And I also hired Chuck to
redo our home-security system,

completely unilaterally
...no discussion with you.

Sounds okay.

No, no, 'cause the point is,
you can't always have your way.

Sometimes I have a way, and
it's a perfectly good way.

Come on. I'm very easygoing.
Oh, no. No, you're not.

Ask the girls. I did.

I asked the girls, and
you're not the easygoing one.

I'm the easygoing one.

Okay, fine. Let's have it your way again.

Tell you what, give me the
mat. I'll take it out front.

Huh?
W...

N...
Yeah.

No, no. No, no, no, no. No,
you... yeah, I'll take it out...

I'll take it out... no, you
don't get to turn this around.

No, 'cause... 'Cause you're
not the easygoing one.

I'm... I'm the
easygoing one.

Well, I'll take it
out... and no, no, no.

You're not taking this
mat. I'm keeping your mat.

All right, well, once
again, you get your way.

[ Sighs ]