Original subtitles

.DcoY. Zanganeh.Milad@GMail.Com

(CHEERING AN D APPLAUSE)

Hello. Hello, everybody, thank you very much. Thank you.

- A big welcome! - Nice.

A big welcome. Thank you and welcome.

Welcome to what is a veryspecial show,

because it is our Christmas special.

Yeah, and this year it's a little bit different.

Yeah, because it's actually the middle of March.

JEREMY: It is.

Right, the main reason it's a little bit different is because our producers

have told us that we should try our hands at long-distance lorry-driving.

- Literally, my idea of heaven. - Yeah.

They told us each to buy a truck and report with it

to what the BBC calls the Republic of the Union of Myanmar.

But everybody else calls it Burma.

(DRUMS AN D BELLS)

JEREMY: The meeting point was a giant parade ground

in the middle of the old capital city, Rangoon.

And I was the first to arrive.

(ENGIN E WHEEZES THEN STOPS)

I've bought a stereo.

I have a speaker system here in the roof,

the passenger seat has been replaced with a subwoofer,

and there are two amps with a combined power of 2,300 watts.

And the best thing is, included in the price was this comb

and...

an entire lorry.

It was built in 1 959...

or 1 976.

People are a bit hazy on that.

What we do know for sure is that Isuzu made the mud flaps, which is odd,

because it says "Mitsubishi" on the axles.

- Ooh! - (VEHICLE APPROACHES)

Is that James? It isJames.

Don't really call that a lorry.

JAMES: Morning.

- Van, mate. - What?

- We had to bring lorries. - That is a lorry.

It's a van.

Technically it's a crane, actually. I've bought a crane.

- Oh, is that what that is? - Look at that.

A crane, two winches, hydraulic rams, legs...

JAMES: And it had the latest in hi-tech dashboards.

That's a mess.

Isn't this going to drive your OCD madness...?

Well, I've put labels on things corresponding to what I thinkthey do.

Hazards... What's that? I've got one of those in my lorry.

I've had to put a question mark on it.

Mine is a sports lorry. Straight six, rear-wheel drive,

twin exhausts.

BMW 325i and this - almost identical.

Banging stereo.

Really?

Seriously.

- You want to hear it? - Not really. I expect it's quite...

(DISTORTED MUSIC BLARES)

(DISTORTED BUZZING)

- (BUZZING STOPS) - Anyway, I'm sure that won't become

annoying at all. I need to ask you a question.

- What? - Why are you wearing a tie?

Because I'm a modern lorry-driver,

and modern lorry-drivers are crisp and sharp.

The days are over when you simply turned up

with a glove box full of strong pornography, and egg on your vest.

JEREMY: At this point, Hammond arrived

with a glove box full of strong pornography, and egg on his vest.

(CLEARS HIS THROAT) What do you think?

JAMES: What is it? A lorry or a Hindu temple?

This has been extensively modded.

- Has it? - Not just the visual improvements,

though they are significant -

the lights and the little studdy things, but note...

JEREMY: Oh, God.

All of that frame arrangement, right, it's a farm truck.

- JEREMY: Yeah. - That's so it can accommodate

those low-density big loads.

- Big loads of what? - Of crops.

What crop? Here?

In Burma? Home of the Golden Triangle?

Hay.

- No. - Or turnips.

- No. - Kale.

No, heroin. That's all they really grow here.

You've bought a heroin lorry.

Fit a lot of heroin in there, wouldn't you?

Hammond, this seat...

- Yeah. - Let's be honest, it's a church pew.

Yeah.

It looks like the sort of railway carriage that Agatha Christie went about in.

- Let's look at what we've got. - James has bought a van.

Has he parked it a long way away, or is it that small?

RICHARD: As we were admiring the paintwork on Jeremy's lorry,

our challenge arrived.

Hmm.

I'm quite excited, actually, come to think of it,

cos, I mean, we're here, with these.

"In 1 943, British, Australian and Dutch prisoners of war

"were forced by their Japanese captors to build the Burma Railway

"across Southeast Asia.

"Their efforts and their suffering were immortalised in the film

"Bridge On The River Kwai.

"That's what you're going to do.

"You're going to build a river bridge which is strong enough

"to support the weight of your lorries."

I don't know anything about

- bridge-building. - RICHARD: Builda bridge?!

How big a bridge are we going to have to build...

How much does yours weigh?

- About 1 ,000 tonnes. - I'm afraid it gets worse.

You know they said long-distance lorry-driving?

Yes.

"The only trouble is that you have to drive to the river in question,

"which is in Thailand."

The River Kwai is not in Thailand.

Yes, it is. The River Kwai is in Thailand.

- Where's Thailand? - Is it?

Yeah. I promise you, the River Kwai... I know everyone thinks it's Burma,

it isn't, it's Thailand.

So we're going to go and build a bridge over the River Kwai.

Like Alec Guinness.

- I don't know how to build a bridge. - (ALL WHISTLE "Colonel Bogey March")

JEREMY: In high spirits, the journey began.

RICHARD: We are off.

Oh, yeah.

JEREMY: We worked out that the most sensible way of getting to the river

was to head right across Burma

to its northernmost border-crossing with Thailand.

On this epic 1 ,200-mile journey,

we would find strange new cities with no-one in them,

cross mountain ranges straight out ofJurassic Park,

ford disease-filled rivers and attend a party

which made the scene at the end ofApocalypse Now

look like a quiet night in.

And we'd have to do it all in lorries which,

right at the start, weren't really working properly.

RICHARD: There are gauges. Nothing works.

Nothing at all. Not one of them.

Not fuel gauge, oil, oil pressure, charge, vacuum,

temperature, nothing works.

- (GEARS RASP) - Oh, God above!

Ah! That's not it.

There's no synchromesh on this gearbox,

so when you go from third to second or whatever, you have to...

Oh, bloody Nora! ...double-declutch.

(GEARS RASP)

Like that. Only smoother.

- Oh! I can't... Oh... - (RATTLING AN D SCRAPING)

(HORN BEEPS)

Oh, God.

How fast am I going?

Speedo doesn't work.

Oh, my giddy aunt! The ride is shocking.

Ugh!

Possibly a bit of play in the steering.

Let me talk you through my brakes. Um...they don't really work.

I've got three centimetres of pedal travel where nothing happens,

and then a millimetre where it all happens and the wheels lock up.

JAMES: There's no handbrake, and I'm not being stupid,

I've looked everywhere. There isn't a puh-tchh one,

there isn't hand one, there isn't a switch.

JAMES: And on top of the mechanical problems,

we had to deal with Rangoon's pedestrians.

(CAR HORNS HON K)

Stop wandering about in the road!

Whoa! A grandad's just walked by with a child, right underneath your lorry.

Whoa! Somebody else just did it.

Pedestrians have no concept of traffic.

None at all.

And there was another issue.

One of the reasons that driving here is so difficult

is because everybody, as you can see, has right-hand-drive cars,

but they drive on the right.

And this is because, for 46 years,

Burma was run by a chap called General Ne Win,

who was a properlunatic.

He was guided mostly either by his dreams or by his astrologers.

One morning, he woke up and he thought,

"My country is slipping too far to the left politically,

"so I shall correct this by forcing everybody

"to drive on the right-hand side of the road."

This makes life particularly difficult for bus passengers.

JAMES: In a minute, we'll see a bus pulled up at the side of the road,

at a bus stop, but all the people will be getting out into the road

because the bus used to go on the left, so the doors. . .

It's just complete mad ness!

You may be wondering why, today, people don't buy. . .

left-hand-d rive cars.

And, if I' m honest, I' m wondering that as well.

Our worst problem, however, was that James was navigating.

RICHARD: James, can I say, this can't be rig ht.

- (HORNS HON K) - Sorry!

Sorry! Hold on.

How does James ever land his aeroplane where he wants to be?

Rig ht, should be this way.

JEREMY: IT wasn't.

RICHARD: Will I even fit down there?

JAMES: Mind that sign on your right, Hammond.

RICHARD: Oh, this is ridiculously tight!

JEREMY: As I sorted out some compensation for the damaged fruit...

- Thank you. - No, no!

Oh, I see, it was not enough.

...Hammond was discovering for the very first time

the problems of being tall.

Hold on a second, these wires... These are too low.

Oh, God.

JAMES: Right, I'm thinking if I crane out...

It's only this one, isn't it?

JAMES: Yeah, lift that, you come underneath, I'll drop it on you,

then it willjust slide along your rails.

Do it.

How about...five crisp English pounds?

(REPLIES IN HER OWN DIALECT)

RICHARD: Keep coming. Keep coming.

Haven't been electrocuted yet.

Haven't been electrocuted yet. Still haven't been electrocuted.

I don't like it! Oh, everyone's going to die!

(BANG)

You've ripped a hole in the top of my truck!

James?

RICHARD: Er, why is your...? Whoa!

Your lorry's moving, James!

You've winched yourself into my lor...

- Put your handbrake on. - It hasn't got a handbrake.

What do you mean, it hasn't got a handbrake?

It hasn't got a handbrake.

JEREMY: We were causing chaos.

It's broken.

Whoa! What was that?!

James, I've got a headache! I've never concentrated this hard!

JEREMY: Sorry.

JAMES: I don't think it'll go through there, mate.

Ohh!

RICHARD: Sorry.

Sorry.

Still, the good news is, we've done two miles.

Mercifully, we eventually broke free from the narrow streets.

I'm in agony.

Left foot, endless gear-changing...

- (GEARS CREAK) - Oh...God above!

That's reverse.

That was third... Oh... Oh!

Hang on a minute.

If I engage the low range, then I can put it in third gear

and basically leave it there all day.

A-ha! How brilliant is this?

Oh, yeah.

No more gear-263changing.

(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

That doesn't feel very low range to me.

What is it if it isn't a low-range gearbox?

Oh, my God!

My truck has split in half.

JAMES: After I had explained to Jeremy that he'd bought a tipper lorry,

I then had to deal with CW McCall on the CB radio.

RICHARD: Hey, James.

Hello.

I've got it.

You've got it?

Yeah, my handle.

I'm going to be called Fighting Peacock.

Can I just abbreviate that to Cock?

What are you going to be?

I thought I'd be James, because that's my name.

Fighting Peacock!

JEREMY: On the outskirts of Rangoon,

we came across a memorial to the 27,000 Commonwealth soldiers

who died here in the Second World War.

It was a timely reminder thatThe Bridge On The River Kwai

was rather more than a Sunday afternoon movie.

"The Japanese sergeant moved into position, lifted his pick handle

"and delivered a blow across Smith's back that would have laid out a bull.

"All the thugs now set to in earnest.

"Soon, little could be seen but the rise and fall of pick helves

"above the heads of the group, and there were sickening thuds

"as blows went home on the squirming, kicking body,

"periodically pulled back onto its feet, only to be knocked down again.

"Bill Smith cried out repeatedly that he was 50 years of age,

"appealing for mercy, but to no avail..."

The tragedy is...

...that all of those 27,000 men died fighting for the liberation of Burma

and, straight after the war, Britain got rid of it

and then it fell into the hands of a tinpot dictator and Mystic Meg.

JEREMY: With James still map-reading, we headed out into the countryside,

where we hoped the driving would be less stressful.

(HORNS HONK)

JEREMY: (BLEEP) ...Nora!

That's my first lock-up, total lock-up.

I've lost second gear.

There it is.

Jeremy, that bus overtaking you, he's mad.

(HORNS HONK INCESSANTLY)

Look, I can't... I'm trying to change gear.

The miles and the hours rolled by.

Ow!

I'm sitting on a church pew, for God's sake.

My knee... Ah!

Ow! Ow!

Knee! Ow!

That's better.

JAMES: That is the going down of the sun.

It's fabulous. Look at that.

JAMES: However, when the sun had finished going down,

things weren't so fabulous.

That girl on that bike, she's just invisible.

JEREMY: There's a moped there with no lights on

and a bicycle there with no lights on,

and I can't really see them because my headlights are...

well, they're glow-worms in jam jars.

Can you see anything, Hammond?

RICHARD: Not a thing.

Literally, just my own stupid reflection in my windscreen.

JEREMY: Jeez!

I'm so frightened of running over a pedestrian,

I'm not even worried about my knee any more.

(HORN HONKS)

JAMES: Whoa!

The local attitude to headlights would appear to be...

...full beam or off.

JEREMY: There you go. A lorry with one central head lamp.

So you think it's a motorbike until the last second,

and then, no, it's a massive truck!

(YAWNS) I'm bloody tired.

We've now been driving today for exactly 1 2 hours.

That would be illegal in Britain.

But we are now very close to the overnight hotel.

Two agonising hours later, we reached it.

JAMES: Mingalaba.

RICHARD: Do you know what? This is like a truckers' place.

JEREMY: Are we staying here?

The producers said yes, and that our room was upstairs.

Oh, it's not so bad.

JEREMY: Is it not so bad?

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Worst night's sleep in history.

It wasn't sleep.

This lot.

What were they doing?

(ENGINE SPLUTTERS NOISILY INTO LIFE)

That.

But look what I've done.

What have you done?

It's a leg brace so I can change gear. So it supports my knee.

Let's go.

- I think we just move on, erase it... - I want to leave.

You know those Ice Road Truckers?

They're always going, "We got a real tough job."

They can shut up.

Cos I don't suspect that the Ice Road Truckers

have to sleep...like this chap here.

Look at him.

JEREMY: Before leaving, I checked the map to see how far we'd come.

- No. - No?

Here?

Are you sure?

It's here?

Show me.

Hammond?

This is where we began.

We're heading for here, up here, around here.

So where do you think we are, then, on this road?

No.

We're here.

You know that fork when we left Rangoon and James went left?

All of yesterday we drove up here. What was it, 1 4, 1 5 hours?

- JAMES: Yeah, but... - JEREMY: You're on the way to Bangladesh.

James suggested we go all the way back to Rangoon and start again

but I fired him as navigator

and said we should take a small road over the hills to get back on course.

This would mean driving deep into the sticks.

There seems to be a tradition here for riding on a lorry

rather than necessarily in it.

I've just seen three or four blokes on the top of the cab of a lorry.

So if he brakes suddenly...

...they all get run over, I suppose.

The maizey-coloured granular stuff at the side of the road

is rice being dried out, apparently.

RICHARD: Traffic...

just drives past and has no compunction aboutjust driving through it all.

And nobody gets cross.

It obviously happens all the time.

Look at that. That bike here is driving through all the rice.

(HORN HONKS)

RICHARD: Also, the fuel stations weren't exactly cutting edge

and there wasn't a lot to go round.

Is this it?

Finished?

No more?

So there's no diesel?

Yes.

They had one...two-and-a-half litres...

- Right. - ...which is now in the sports lorry.

I've been a bit selfish.

So you've put all the diesel available in your lorry?

Yes.

If we were on a raft and had three biscuits...

Mm-hm. I may as well have them.

JAMES: Still, could be worse.

Urgh!

I'm not a young man and I'm not a fit man, I'll be honest.

And I am suffering in here. This ride is really brutal.

The problem is that the sports lorry was designed to work for a living,

it was designed to have five or six tonnes of stuff in the back.

Without that weight, it's just bouncing all over the place.

Obviously, I didn't want to admit this to my colleagues,

so when we stopped for tea I tried discreetly to rectify the problem.

(BANGING AND FEIGNED COUGHING)

(FEIGNS COUGHING)

He's putting bricks in the back of his truck

to weigh it down and improve the ride,

- isn't he? - Oh, I see.

He's going to need a lot of bricks.

JEREMY: Having come to the same conclusion,

I decided to borrow James's complicated crane.

I can't stand watching this.

Right.

What the hell's happening?!

JAMES: What have you done, you moron?

I think you've actually caught your own lorry.

Stop! Help! My knee! Ow!

Save the day!

JAMES: Oh, dear. Stop! Put it down!

You'll break the jib off the crane. And you've knackered my lorry.

JEREMY: Well, I've just saved the day by tipping my lorry up.

The bricks have fallen out and the handbrake's not on.

RICHARD: What have you done?!

It is on.

At this point, I opted for a less hi-tech solution.

I'm going to see if they've got any of those...

What are those nuts called that they eat together, the stimulants?

- Betel nut. - Betel nut?

- Betel nut. Yeah, it makes you... - What's that in Burmese?

Betel nut.

- Is it? - I think so.

- I bet it isn't. - Orjust betel.

- Or nut. - I hope he comes back with a beetle.

I think it's I'd-like-a-kick-in-the...

Having bought some freshly made betel nuts, we began

our Burmese trucker's lunch.

It's a mild stimulant garnished with cricket.

What do we do, chew it?

Mm. For hours and hours.

And then what?

I don't feel it. I'm not getting the buzz.

I'm getting nothing.

I'm hallucinating. There's a horrendous... No, it's you.

(LAUGHS)

They haven't put a nut in mine, they've put a pebble.

I'm just smashing my teeth up.

- Is yours just a pebble? - Mm.

RICHARD: I'm getting nothing.

Can't we just sniff glue?

- It'd be a lot nicer. - RICHARD: They're bound to sell it.

- Have they got crystal meth? - JAMES: Probably.

- I'd rather break bad than eat this. - I think you'll find

- some heroin in the back of my truck. - Oh, I'm getting some chilli.

I've got nothing.

(THEY SPIT)

Oh, shit! Got it down my tie.

- You spit it out, but... - I bet this isn't nice television, is it?

(MUFFLED) It glues your mouth up, have you noticed?

It completely glues it up.

Oh, yeah, look, the red gob. I've seen that coming out of people.

- (GARBLES) - What?

(GARBLES INCOHERENTLY)

RICHARD: We decided to skip dessert and got back on the road

where, with a tonne of bricks in the back, Jeremy's sports lorry was now transformed.

It... I mean, it's not perfect, but it's a hell of a lot better.

If I put more weight in, it'll be even more comfortable.

So, at the next village, I bought some of the region's special seeds.

RICHARD: What's he doing?

He thinks he's bought some heroin.

- I have. - Has he?

I have bought heroin.

It's rice.

- It isn't rice. - It is rice.

Richard Hammond - trust me on this - on the streets of London,

this has a value of £1 2 million.

No, mate...

on the shelves of Tesco, that has a value of about a fiver.

It's not rice!

Are you going to cut it with peas?

(LAUGHS)

JEREMY: With the heroin loaded, I found a heavy old tree stump

and asked James to crane it on board as well.

He is so unbelievably happy.

JEREMY: With the sports lorry fully loaded, it was transformed.

Oh, yeah!

First bump, I shan't even feel it because the ride is sublime.

The ride of a Rolls-Royce Phantom.

However, on the hills, there was a bit of a downside.

Hello, James and Richard?

What?

This is my new top speed.

RICHARD: Oh, God, I thought we were stuck behind a moped.

I couldn't see. Is this it?

Yes.

JAMES: You're a right dipstick.

Yes.

JAMES: And because the road was so narrow, we couldn't get past him.

JEREMY: Uh-oh!

Steep gradient. Agh!

Foot hard down.

Dearie me, we're in trouble here.

RICHARD: Oh, this is ridiculous! We're hardly moving.

(ENGINE REVS THEN STOPS)

No, we've had it.

You're going to have to back up. I need a run-up for this bit.

What?!

It won't go up this hill. You're going to have to back up.

RICHARD: No, this hill has gone on for about a mile through hairpins.

- I'm not reversing back down... - James, could you explain

the situation to him? I can't go forwards.

- I can't back up either. - Look, it's your fault.

- A, Hammond's in the way... - I'm not reversing it.

- ...and B, I can't be bothered. - Bloody dangerous, apart from anything.

It's round bends, there's people on bikes. No.

Well, there's only one thing for it, then. I have to lose weight.

- (MECHANICAL WHIRRING) - Oh-h-h, no.

Er, no! Jeremy, that's not...

That's not the...

JAMES: You are a complete child.

A petulant child.

You wanted me to move out of your way.

I am now able to move out of your way.

Look at this. Yes!

This lorry is now scampering up these hills.

Right. Well...

One, two...

JEREMY: Stopping to mend my tailgate allowed the others to catch up

and, when they did, they weren't in the best of moods.

RICHARD: I've got a new handle for you on the CB.

It's called Selfish... (BLEEP)

JEREMY: And things didn't improve a few miles later

when the hill route I'd selected went a bit wrong.

JAMES: Your road is sort of not a road, is it? Let's be honest.

JEREMY: It's not really a road here at all. We've got a ford.

It's a ford or...a river.

JAMES: Yeah. Well, what do we think?

We have to ford the river.

Swim it? Look at it!

We could build a bridge and get some practice in.

JAMES: Don't be ridiculous.

JEREMY: Or we could build a car ferry.

RICHARD: No.

JAMES: There's your wood. RICHARD: There's a start. There you go.

RICHARD: If you go on first...

JEREMY: Right, well, look, my engine...

...there.

If the water is deeper than my...

...hips...

Your penis, is what you want to say.

There, halfway down my penis.

So now you've got to crayon a mark on your penis.

I know where my penis is!

And if the water goes above halfway up my penis, it's too deep for my lorry.

Where's yours?

- Nipples. - Nipples.

- Yeah. - Is it?

James, what are you, knees?

- What, it's actually about there. - (LAUGHTER)

RICHARD: With the science sorted out, we waded in for a recce.

JAMES: This is... I'm already in trouble here.

I'm all right.

My sports lorry is still working here.

My nipple alarm is going off, very nearly.

Yeah, now, this bit we need to stay away from.

RICHARD: Yeah, that is...

- Solid rock. - It's icy.

This is solid rock I'm on.

RICHARD: With our recce complete, Jeremy headed across first.

JEREMY: Here we go, into the water.

Lots of wheel spin, sliding badly.

Oh, yes.

The sports lorry is clear, it's through.

It's time for the smug face.

Mr Slowly went next...in his van.

That's quite clunky.

It's... There's something stuck there. I can feel it.

We'll break the front axle off.

JEREMY: Hammond immediately rushed to May's aid.

Ramming.

JAMES: Stop!

JEREMY: James then tried to winch himself off

using Hammond's truck as a ground anchor.

Ted Nugent and George Michael are helping one another out.

After this failed, I tried to tow him clear.

Three, two, one, now.

But that didn't work either.

JAMES: Stop!

JEREMY: He then decided to use his crane,

which immediately broke.

He really was stuck, so we were forced to take drastic action.

Hammond and I have had a bit of a chat and we are...

Well, we're leaving him.

He has bought a van that has no traction at all,

no ability to work off road

and now no hydraulics, so none of his tools work.

You've got to be ruthless in these circumstances.

With his crane, he was useful.

Without it, he's just another mouth to feed.

JEREMY: I settled in for another stint with the world's most cooperative gearbox.

Oh, bollocks, missed again.

(CRUNCHING)

Nothing there.

Nothing there, there it is.

Mind you, on these twisty roads, life was even worse for Hammond.

This is really annoying.

Still, at least I was moving.

JAMES: The situation report. I've been rescued

by a very helpful local man with his truck - I still don't know his name -

and he's lent me this arc welder

to repair the shaft that drives the pump that makes the crane work.

With that done, my fellow knight of the road towed me back to firmer ground.

And then we're free.

I must remember to say a thousand chei-zu-boos to this man.

RICHARD: Miles ahead, in the advanced party, we were really starting to climb.

Oh-ho-ho!

Wow!

The views were stunning.

And at the top of the hill, we pulled over for a bit of a look.

JEREMY: You know we always say that Italy is God's racetrack,

Canada is his pantry, Germany is his workshop?

That's his garden.

RICHARD: Absolutely staggering.

Captain Traction would have enjoyed this view very much.

However...

Bollocks.

(ENGINE STRUGGLES)

The local bloke with the digger is giving me a little leg up there.

(TOOTS HORN)

It's great, isn't it? This must be Buddhism in action.

I might convert...

from whatever I already am.

JEREMY: Very, very farahead, Hammond and I had finally found the road

we should have been on in the first place.

RICHARD: Put it in top gear.

- There it is. Oh, yeah. - (ENGINE STRUGGLES)

That sounds terrible.

It's like being back in Spain! Nothing on it!

JEREMY: Regrouped, we continued onwards.

Our destination, Burma's brand-new capital city, Naypyidaw.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Here, the producers had once again lined up a hovel for us to stay in.

But we were hot, filthy and worn out.

So we ignored them and headed for the best hotel in town.

JAMES: A flushing lavatory.

Oh, rest my weary head.

Having first filled it with gin.

- (SPATTERING ON CAB ROOF) - Oh, listen to that rain.

Oh, it'll be like the shower I shall be having in 30 seconds.

JEREMY: Our only problem was that two of us

weren't exactly dressed for a place like this.

- Let me do the talking. - Good evening, sir.

Evening, sir.

(CLEARS HIS THROAT)

- Three rooms, please. - Sorry, we have no more rooms, sir.

Fully booked.

Sorry, sir.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

JEREMY: The next morning, after another dreadful night,

we decided enough was enough and agreed we should modify our lorries

to make them more suitable for our travels through Burma.

Um, I'm making a house.

So, I need ornaments, like a vase.

No, no, no.

Ah-haaa!

Aww, a pistol grip.

(BLOWS)

Lie...no!

- (SPEAKS IN DIALECT) - So, that's like lie...

- (SPEAKS IN DIALECT) - Mmm.

- Mingalaba. - Mingalaba.

Are these yours?

No, no, no, no, no. No, no. Sorry.

This.

If you imagine an elephant, eleph... Uuurrrrgh!

- That's the fellow. - Elephant?

- Elephant? - Yeah.

- This... - Yeah, but small,

so it can go on a table. So, it's like a table.

- Go away. Go away! - Go away?

Now we're getting somewhere.

What bore is that?

This...

...times eight.

First, I need one for a kitchen,

where you...

- Kitchen? - (POPS) ...cook and

make a cup of tea.

- (SLURPS AND GOBBLES) - (LAUGHS)

In the kitchen. Yeah?

- Yes. - Kitchen.

I don't want a cup-holder that badly!

800? That's...that's about 50 pence. Is that right?!

Oh, no, it's not long enough. She's misunderstood me.

That's all right, we'll get some more from somewhere else.

(LAUGHS) It's...it's just the best look you've ever seen!

- (LAUGHS) - (CHILD LAUGHS)

It's a child catapult! It's good! Do it again!

Doing! Here we go! Ready? And... And...

(GIGGLES)

Go!

Apparently, he once got clean to the end of that corridor! That's brilliant!

RICHARD: With the shopping complete, we found a workshop,

hired some local help, toiled through the night,

and the next morning,

the job was done.

Every modification I have made

is inspired by my desire not to run over any of the locals.

So it has, for example, Buddha looking down,

a lucky elephant, the lucky owl which is very important. It has better mirrors,

better lights and it's wearing a high-visibilityjacket.

Yes, as are you. What is the boiler in the back?

- RICHARD: Are you brewing beer? - What? No, sadly.

It's the water tank for the brake-cooling system.

- What, like racing lorries have? - Exactly like that.

It sprays. I've got a little switch in the cab.

It sprays water on the drums, makes them more efficient downhill.

- I didn't think of that. - No.

- What's the box? - Air conditioning.

- What's that got to do with safety? - Keeps me alert.

- Does it? - Yes.

And keeps him alert as well.

- Because he'll want to break it. - Yes.

JAMES: Jeremy then showed ushis work.

(CLEARS HIS THROAT)

Why would you not have...

a convertible lorry?

- Cos it's raining. - Look at it!

It's... It's quite good, actually.

- Smashing. - It's very good. Shelby striping.

- Yeah. - Sports badging on the side.

Living accommodation on the back. This is fashioned from lead and rhodium.

- Is it? - Yes, for extra weight

to improve my ride. Come back.

Simple, crisp accommodation inside,

Shelby bedding

and ebony wood floor. That's more weight.

Come on!

It looks brilliant!

JAMES: As, it must be said, did Hammond's.

- JEREMY: Hammond, you've got white walls! - RICHARD: Oh, yeah, yeah!

- The ugly duckling has become a swan. - Wow!

Yeah! Check out my stacks.

- Please don't tell me they're exhausts. - Yeah. Both sides.

- What, actually func...? They are. - Yeah, there's a T-junction.

Hang on, you've made it even taller.

I have. It's bigger, isn't it? It's better.

But come round the back, this... Honestly.

He did a little skip then.

- He's very excited. - He did a skip.

I am very, very... What I have here,

this is the bathroom area.

- Yeah. - Shower.

- It's got a shower! - Where's the water come from? Ha-ha!

Ha-ha, yourself.

There is, up the top, a reservoir. About so big.

On my viewing gallery.

Hammond, it's a bucket. It's... It's a bucket.

It's a remote reservoir.

And that is, right now,

collecting beautiful, crisp, clean, fresh, invigorating rainwater.

This is the kitchen area, with lino to reflect that.

- What's that? - Over there is a wardrobe.

There is a hammock with mosquito net built in. Drinks globe on the right.

JEREMY: And Hammond wasn't finished.

From up here, on a sunny evening, I can sit here as the sun goes down,

gaze at the stars and enjoy a drink from my drinks globe.

Do you take visitors?

- Yeah... - I think he's going to have to,

- because something's just occurred to me. - What?

You haven't got any living accommodation.

That's a very good point. You've forgotten it, you idiot!

No, I haven't!

- JEREMY: Well, you have. - RICHARD: Are you sleeping in the cab?

Because it's not going to be comfortable.

- Let's see. - Oh, my God!

JEREMY: Before we set off, I gave the chaps some presents.

- You bought us a teddy bear?! - No, that's for me.

- Is it? - Yeah, that's my bonnet ornament.

Are you feeling lonely? It's your what?

Bonnet ornament for weight. It's the heaviest teddy bear in Burma.

I'd got Hammond a bonnet ornament too.

- RICHARD: Oh! - JAMES: Wow, that's beautiful.

I know you don't have a clock so you'll have it on the bonnet,

you'll be able to tell the time.

- Oh, it really is... - It's a high-quality gift.

Oh, fantastic! Thank you. I've always wanted a Shuanglin hammer.

It's from my own personal collection.

JEREMY: Having christened my bear Rudyard

and attached him to the sports lorry, we set off.

Oh, this feels better already.

Oh, hang on.

Whoa!

Richard Hammond is doing a remake of The Poseidon Adventure.

JEREMY: We had many miles to cover,

but first we had to get through Naypyidaw's morning rush hour.

This rush-hour traffic's not as bad as I thought.

The roads were completely empty.

And massive.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Yep, 1 6 lanes now.

(LAUGHS)

Wait, it's gone bigger.

Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

20!

It's 20 lanes now!

This may look stupid and pointless, but actually it really isn't.

The problem with most cities is that the growth comes

and the city simply can't accommodate it.

That happened in London, Rome, Paris, Bangkok, everywhere.

That is notgoing to happen here.

I think this must be the first city built

entirely in anticipation of the future.

JEREMY: But the future hasn't arrived yet.

So, for now, the whole place is almost completely deserted.

Even here, in the shadow of the parliament building,

we were able to have a game of football in the middle of the road!

Officer!

JEREMY: It's the Burmese police versus Top Gear.

- Oh, no! - Rush hour, game over!

Look at it! Traffic!

JEREMY: Really, though, it was too wet for football.

So, much to Hammond's annoyance, we organised a city-centre drag race.

(ENGINES REV)

This doesn't seem fair.

I've got the same 6.4-litre Isuzu straight-six diesel as Jeremy's

and probablyJames's, but the lumber bus is bigger!

We're not going to cover ourselves in glory here, old girl.

(ENGINE REVS)

(COUNTS DOWN)

Disastrous start!

There it is!

This is going to hurt, we're going to have to rev you hard!

JAMES: The sports truck is gaining.

Gaining.

Gaining, gaining.

No!

1 1 5 kilometres an hour!

JAMES: Come on!

Yes!

Oh, victory is sweet!

Second place. But I have got a crane.

Must brake, must brake! Ooooh!

Got a football under the brake pedal! That's bad.

Hammond, have you finished yet?

Still going.

After I finally crossed the line, we continued on

and paid a visit to Naypyidaw's incredibly modest temple!

- Can we go up? - Yeah?

- Up there? - Can we go and have a look?

Shoes. No shoes!

- No. - Shoes?

- JAMES: No shoes. - RICHARD: We'll get wet feet.

- Hello! - OK!

JAMES: I'm telling you, Buddhism is the way forwards.

- OK, yes, OK? - Are we set?

- No! - I've taken them off.

- That's my feet. - No knee!

No people from Birmingham!

- Nobody from Birmingham is allowed! - (SHE SPEAKS IN DIALECT)

Oh, you've got to wear a skirt!

- You can't show your legs. - You can't show your knees.

- Is it knees? - Watch do I do with this?

- Is it knees? - Yes!

- No knees and no... - I've got knees!

- (WOMAN SHOUTS) - Oh, right!

- Just put this skirt on. - Oh! OK.

Sitrep, Richard Hammond is wearing a skirt.

He's also being dressed by a man!

Can we go? Is it OK?

You look like a sort of contradictory transsexual redneck!

Would you like to know something interesting, Richard Hammond?

Yes, Jeremy Clarkson.

- Ancient temple. - Yes.

- How old do you think it is? - I don't know.

They built this six years ago.

To a butterfly, that is ancient.

JEREMY: If eight billion people do come to live here,

they've certainly got a place of worship.

RICHARD: And it's a whopper.

JAMES: What's interesting is, we've been walking for about half an hour now,

and it doesn't seem to have got any closer.

- It's like a mountain in the distance. - The top of it is in the clouds.

I've got the hem of my skirt wet!

JEREMY: I am exhausted.

Oh, guys, guys, traffic!

Whoa, whoa, it's rammed! We'd better get down there quick!

Well, when I say traffic, I mean one motorcycle.

- Whoa! - Exactly.

It's stilltwo miles away.

RICHARD: The inside was as mind-blowing as the outside.

And after drinking it all in, we got back on the road...

...where, a few miles out of Naypyidaw,

we discovered some flaws with our modifications.

Oh, my... No...no, wait.

I'm speaking to you now from underneath my businessman's umbrella.

It's taken the water about 1 5 minutes to fathom it out,

but it's in here now and it's in in great quantities.

Oh, I can hear my exhaust hitting a tree.

Hammond, you're doing the council out of a job, mate!

JEREMY: It's like I'm driving through the aftermath of a hurricane.

Let's rename him Pruning Peacock.

(JEREMY LAUGHS)

JEREMY: Soon, though, James was punished for mocking.

JEREMY: Captain Workmanship.

It's a radiator hose. It's not a bit I've touched.

Well, we have a tradition.

Oh, no, how am I going to do it without them?

JEREMY: Leaving James to deliver an interesting lecture...

If you're watching this from an engineering workshop

or technical college, this is not the correct tool for the job.

...we continued on our way.

My lunch.

God, we live a life of luxury on Top Gear, we reallydo!

I think a lot of the fumes are coming into the cab from under my new stack.

Not all of my improvements have turned out to be improvements.

(GLASS SMASHES)

JEREMY: The simple tradition of the British dustman,

putting a teddy bear on the front of a lorry,

is bringing joy to the children of Burma!

They love Rudyard!

By mid-afternoon we were all reunited

and James took advantage of my mobile maintenance service.

This isn't perilous at all!

Oh, it's about three or four inches.

Too far.

(LAUGHTER)

JEREMY: Soon, the road started to climb, and as night fell,

I turned on the roof lights that I'd fitted myself.

Oh, yes!

(# PINK FLOYD: The Great Gig In The Sky)

I'm driving a Pink Floyd gig right now.

I love this! The noise, the chaos, the heat...

(CLANGING)

I think I might have just lost one of my...

Yeah, I did. I lost a stack.

I've got to carry on.

I'm just going to pretend I didn't.

RICHARD: Meanwhile, in the darkness, James was coming over all Buddhist.

Hang on, I've got a personal dog escort here.

Shift your ass, dog.

- (HORN HONKS) - Oh, God, give me strength!

I think that dog...

...was inhabited by a benign spirit.

Seriously, if that dog hadn't done that,

I'd have gone onto the bridge and I'd have hit the bus.

Sadly, Buddhist dog wasn't around when, five miles later,

I had another breakdown.

That's what came off. That's the old one, which tore itself to shreds

and in the process, pulled the wire out of the sender

for the temperature gauge, so I don't have that any more.

This lorry is crap.

JEREMY: Up ahead, Richard and I were looking forward

to a night in our new on-board accommodation.

But thanks to the British Empire, we didn't need it.

After a night here, 4,000 feet up a mountain

in a small village in the middle of Burma,

at this strangely odd but comfortable Bournemouth Hotel,

we were feeling refreshed.

And with Hammond leading,

we were out of the village in a mere couple of hours.

Hang on - whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh, God...

JAMES: Go slowly. OK?

RICHARD: Oh, thank you.

JEREMY: Keep going, hang on...

JAMES: Are we going to spend the whole day tiptoeing under telephone wires?

No, because you'll break down eventually.

JEREMY: OK, there's going to be a motorcyclist coming past you.

Check out his helmet.

RICHARD: That's quite a strong statement.

After a quick map check,

I decided we should take a tempting-looking short cut.

Right, follow me.

RICHARD: Follow you where?

JEREMY: There's less traffic this way, I think.

That's because you can't drive down here!

The road is only six inches wider than my lorry.

It's got tarmac on it!

- JEREMY: Bad news, chaps, bad news. - What?

The tarmac has stopped.

RICHARD: You bloody idiot!

JAMES: Well, at least the surface is good.

Not in the sports truck, it isn't.

Oh, dear God!

Any other adventures lined up on your short cut, Jeremy?

Landslides, or avalanche...?

JEREMY: It's just a tropical mountain shower. Gone in a jiffy.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Or maybe not.

No, this looks pretty terrible.

Eventually, my scenic route brought us to a remote settlement...

that was very much...off the grid.

Good thing is, in this little town, there'll be no low wires.

Instead, there was something worse.

RICHARD: Oh, no!

Oh, no. Oh, this is bad.

I'm stuck, I'm stuck.

Hang on, I'll park up and come back on foot. Stand by.

JEREMY: Bored with Hammond's chimney-related problems,

I went on an explore,

and found some locals playing something that was nearly football.

(CHEERING)

This is a brilliant idea.

They're using a monk as a referee.

And he's smoking.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(APPLAUSE)

RICHARD: Back at the bridge, the villagers had broken out their tool box.

Really? If you're sure. OK. Move the entire sign.

- I wouldn't be this helpful! - We know that!

JEREMY: Meanwhile, I'd stumbled on a scene from an Indiana Jones movie.

There's thousands of them!

(MAN SPEAKS IN DIALECT)

- JAMES: That's, "Hurry up. It's heavy." - RICHARD: Oh, right. OK...

How we doing? James, I can't see.

Yeah...?

- MAN: OK! Yes. - Are we through? Yay!

JEREMY: With the town behind us, progress was good.

And then...it wasn't.

My fuel gauge is... just on the top of the red.

Um... I don't have one.

What I do have is the same engine as you,

but a much heavier truck, so I must have used more.

JEREMY: And out here on my short cut,

there were no filling stations at all.

The needle is now...

nearly all in the red.

Trying to use the tiniest throttle movements,

just to keep it ticking along.

RICHARD: In the next village, James and I decided to pull over

and dip our tanks.

- I've got no fuel. - None?!

A smear on the end of the stick.

What's the news?

None. I mean, it's dry, I don't know what I'm running on.

If you actually run a diesel out, you've got to bleed the system,

- haven't you? And it's hours. - BOTH: Yeah.

Well, look, why don't you just go

and snout around the village and see if you can find some?

- Why me? - Cos you're the youngest and fittest.

Well, it's your fault we're in this situation...

I know, but I'm old and hot.

It's your short cut. Seriously. If anybody's got to go, it's you, mate!

Right, right, I'll go!

Fuel. Diesel.

- And as much as you can. - Yes. Diesel.

What is Burmese for "diesel"?

- How do you mime "diesel"? - Mime a lorry.

Brrr... And then do that.

Right, so I'm a butler with Parkinson's, and I've got a gun.

RICHARD: Jeremy headed off.

And was gone for quite some time.

Still quite hot, that.

Done the oil.

Have you?

Areyou reading Bridge On The River Kwai?

- Yeah, he's just gone into the hut... - JEREMY: Bad news.

- What? - Bad news.

What?

I haven't been able to get any diesel.

However, I had come up with a clever alternative.

No, you halfwit!

JEREMY: There's no diesel in this village.

But there is diesel in the nextvillage.

So we use the horses to ride to the next village,

get the diesel, bring it back to the trucks.

We're not in a Western.

- I can't ride a horse. - What?

Well, I might have been pony-trekking when I was eight, but...

Well, it'll be in there, won't it?

Well, I wouldn't use that one there, if he's going to ride any one.

Holy moly!

(HORSE NEIGHS)

Why do they have five legs in Burma?

Maybe so it can milk itself?

Shall we spend...

Shall we spend all day looking at a horse's willy, or shall we go?

Oh, it's gone wrong...

Being the most experienced horseman, I took the frisky five-legged stallion.

We're on.

Oh, Christ Almighty!

Hello, horse.

I shall call you Tesco!

Ready, steady, go.

Well, I've bought a stalled horse. It's going backwards.

I've bought a reversing horse.

I think if we get moving,

- yours might follow more readily. - Go on, then.

James, can you turn right and go up there?

Come on. Turn around.

How do you make it turn around?

RICHARD: Anybody know how to start a Burmese horse?

Go on, follow your mate. Yes. Very good.

- RICHARD: The controls are reversed... - I'm off!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

(# ENNIO MORRICONE: Theme from "A Fistful Of Dollars")

Soon, James was getting a taste of what the ride was like in my sports lorry.

My nadgers are getting a pummelling. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

(JEREMY LAUGHS)

Look at the anal action going on here!

My horse is going up your one's bottom.

- Oh, Christ, we've had an accident! - You go ahead.

I'm terrified!

My nads are killing me!

- (HORSE GRUNTS) - Oh, stop that, please don't fight!

- Walk on. - I'll stop calling you Tesco

if you promise not to fight.

Go!

Walk. There you go. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

- Oh, God above! - Not much further now, James.

Jesus! I mean - Buddha!

JEREMY: A few hundred yards further on,

Richard's stallion decided to get amorous with James's mare.

- (HORSE WHINNIES) - Ooh! (BLEEP)

(HORSE WHINNIES)

Oh... (BLEEP)

JEREMY: Has he gone? What happened?

It reared and mounted that. Don't get kicked.

Things quickly went to pot.

This is the doctor, going to attend to Richard

but the van is stuck.

I've just dismounted my reversing horse,

and actually genuinely have hurt my testes.

Oh! I can see why they should be glue, these things.

RICHARD: I was diagnosed with a suspected broken wrist

and went on a four-hourjourney to the nearest hospital,

leaving Jeremy to walk his horse to the next village to get fuel.

You see, this is why you're no longer of any use to anybody, because of fuel.

Yes! You see, cars are better than you.

Hello.

Can I buy these jerry cans?

Yes.

May!

Look what I have!

Well done.

What's with the plastic flowers?

It's a road safety thing.

If you have a horse with diesel on it,

- you have to have him in front of you. - Oh, I see.

Did you think to get a plastic funnel?

- Yep. - Did you?

No. Hold that.

(LAUGHS)

Hello, mate.

Eventually, James and Jeremy found a spot to camp for the night.

(SIGHS)

Here, while I enjoyed the view,

James unveiled his sleeping accommodation.

A mountaineering tent he could suspend from his crane.

So I'm going to rest it against the front of the cab,

so all these bitey ants, they don't get in your tent and eat you.

(ENGINE TURNS OVER)

It may have been insect-proof...

...but soundproof?

No.

(LOUD SNORING)

I wantto go to bed.

But I can't, with that racket going on. Listen to it.

(LOUD SNORING)

JEREMY: The next morning I discovered that Hammond was back.

- So that's just a sprain? - Yep. Not bust. Nothing exciting.

So what is it you have to do, basically steering...?

- Yeah, be all right. - You just have to...

- Yeah. Still do that. - Right.

And how was sleeping in your lorry?

- Um, not bad. What about yours? - Fine.

Where did James sleep in the end, what's he done?

Oh, he's got some stupid, hi-tech

mountaineering tent he's hung from his crane.

Why is it up there?

(JEREMY LAUGHS)

Well... You know his snoring?

Yeah.

Quite loud. So I moved him a bit further away.

- (TENT ZIP OPENS) - Jesus!

Clarkson!

What?

Funny.

- Very funny. - Yes.

I don't like heights,

- I don't like camping... - I don't like snoring.

RICHARD: Anyway, shall we get on?

First, though, we had to sortJames out.

Yes, that's it.

They're off.

- Nice work, Hammond. - Ow, ow, ow.

They used to make mattresses out of that stuff, apparently.

- It's comfortable. - Did they?

- Look, he's nesting! - (BOTH LAUGH)

Look at that!

(JEREMY LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY)

JAMES: After Pinky and Perky had winched me down,

we set off on our seventh day of long-distance lorry-driving.

I'm still staggered that they put diesel in my truck!

I mean, that's a generous gesture.

Assuming it is diesel.

(CLANGING)

Oh, no!

- Hammond... What's happened? - I've lost my other stack.

Well, as you know, we're not the US Marines, we leave a man behind.

Yeah, too hot. Er, right...

It's covered in ants... Oh, it's an ants' nest!

That's a mistake. Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

JEREMY: Far ahead of Hammond's disintegrating lorry,

James and I were about to enter a secretive region of Burma

known as the Shan State.

A civil war has raged here for 60 years.

No television crew has ever been allowed in.

We would be the first.

There's a very good reason why it's so secretive in there.

You see, the travel companies would have you believe

that the Golden Triangle is... Well, it's a tourist attraction

at the point where Thailand, Burma and Laos all meet.

But the golden triangle with the - how can I put this? -

the special agriculture, thatis in the Shan.

Apparently, some of the special agriculture is known as horse,

they're obviously growing horses somehow. I shall look for those.

Fields of horses growing...in them.

Here we go. Warm and cordial welcome, this is it. This is it.

We are entering the Shan.

We genuinely are representing the Western world.

Good job I'm wearing a tie.

Unfortunately, as the road started to climb,

James and I rather forgot the significance of where we were.

JAMES: No!

JEREMY: Come on, lorry!

(CACKLES)

Welcome, then, to the inaugural Shan State lorry hill climb.

A sport where a single botched gear-change

can make all the difference.

Slipstreaming.

He's coming!

Aaaagh!

JEREMY: No, no, no! No, I'm trapped by the pick-up.

Eat my dirt.

I've got the inside line.

(CACKLES)

This is the best race in the world!

JEREMY: I've blocked him, I blocked him.

JAMES: Shall we call a temporary truce while we go through the town, yeah?

When we get back, if we're interviewed by MI6 and they say,

"What was it like in the Shan?", we'll have to go,

"I don't know, we were racing lorries."

I am embarrassed to be the first Westerner in here

and I'm driving a sports lorry with a pink teddy bear on the front!

(LAUGHS)

To make us look more dignified, I put Rudyard in the cab,

and then we set off into the unknown.

JEREMY: God above!

I think I've accidentally taken a short cut

into the set of Game Of Thrones.

Here, in a region that is bigger than England and Wales put together,

there is just one road, built 1 50 years ago, by the British.

But there's no electricity, no mobile phone signal, no TV,

no hotels, no hospitals.

And in the skies, no planes.

That is gigantic!

Bowled over by it all, James and I pulled over,

and after Hammond caught up...

Oh, yes, the 1 920s is arriving.

...we tried to work out why us three had been the first ones

allowed in here.

Think about it. If you were North Korea, and you wanted to portray to your people

how lumpen and useless the West was, you'd invite us three, wouldn't you?

Yeah.

Because we'd wander about and the North Koreans would go,

"Why would we want to be Western? Look at them. They're dreadful."

- You've got bird poo on your shoulder. - I have.

So what the government is actually saying is, to these people,

why would you want to live

like they do in the West? Because look at them.

There's another thing that we're doing,

and this is just an incidental service,

they haven't seen manyWesterners here.

We are at least showing... They're not going to end up saying,

"They all look the same to me," are they, with us three? Clearly we don't.

- That's just blatantly racist. - No...

What he's saying is, all Burmese people look the same to him.

- No... - Clearly.

Yes, you are.

You are. You're assuming that they think we all look the same

because we think they all look the same.

Now you're making a leap, I didn't...

You're completing something that I didn't put in.

Yes, we are, but it's quite good fun.

JEREMY: Keen to see more of the Shan, we moved on.

Chaps, check out the driver of this tuk-tuk.

JEREMY: What's he done?

I don't know what it was, but he's done a lot of it.

JAMES: Whoa! He's off his face.

JEREMY: Oh, dear. Oh, Lord, yes, I see what you mean.

James, do you see any fields where they're growing horses?

No, I haven't seen a single horse plantation yet.

JEREMY: What we did see, however, was evidence of what is officially

the world's longest-running civil war.

This is a big army presence, here.

James, however, seemed to have less important things on his mind.

Time to try out my water brake-cooling system.

I'm ready...with my little switch.

(WATER SPRAYS)

I think it works.

The elation, however, was short lived.

(CLANGING)

Cock!

My steering has just locked up.

I'm not sure that's a good idea, James, is it? Blocking the army?

JAMES: The problem was a big one. The front axle had broken.

There's only one thing I can think...

to play at a time like this.

- Yeah. - Right, off you go. Goodbye.

- Yee-ha, that's a bad one, isn't it? - See you.

- Really bad. - Yeah.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Ow!

(BLEEP)

JEREMY: As Hammond and I travelled deeper into the Shan,

the road became worse.

Arrrgh!

Good God!

And the reason why soon became clear.

That was an actual baby there, building the road.

It's not a good policy, because the road surface is dreadful.

Babies are no good at building roads, look.

Along with the Fisher-Price roads, there were steep hills,

which were a problem for Hammond's heavy lumber bus.

(ENGINE LABOURS)

Oh, God, it's torture!

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this!

- Change gear... - (GEARS GRINDING)

No.

Grind, grind, grind.

And when we get... Oh, God! And when we get to the end,

we have to build a bridge over the River Kwai.

Eventually, we had to rest our weary bones,

so we pulled over in a remote settlement.

JEREMY: You know, in a village like this,

it really is possible they don't know the West exists.

RICHARD: They'll never have seen faces like ours.

JEREMY: No. I'm amazed they're not more amazed.

I think it's a cultural thing. It's just it would be rude to show it.

- Yeah. - It's sort of...

We're definitelythe first white faces they've ever seen!

Yeah.

JAMES: Many miles further back,

I had sorted my axle issue...

by using a ratchet strap to hold it in place.

I hate my lorry!

What I'm driving here is a massive dog's egg with a crane on the back.

Oh, God, let this day end!

As the afternoon sun drew low, I was reunited

with my colleagues, and we decided

to make camp in a small town.

Look at that lot. Communal, open-air, natural bathing.

Ohh!

JEREMY: Hello.

We're in the middle of the Shan.

We're supposed to be frightened to death.

JAMES: It's not frightening, though, is it? It's lovely.

JAMES: As we set up camp, the locals seemed to be busy as well.

And Jeremy had found out why.

- Hammond, May! - Yes?

What?

It turns out we've been invited to a party.

- JAMES: Right. - Where?

Here, in the town.

You know there's been a civil war raging?

All of the people who've been fighting are coming together tonight

to welcome us here to the Shan State.

You know the Good Friday Agreement where they got

Major, Gerry Adams and Paisley all in one room and it was amazing?

Well, apparently this is asamazing as that in Burma.

- Who do they think we are? - Well, look, I don't know.

Probably Richard Dimbleby, James Naughtie and Jeremy Paxman.

Let me get this straight - they're not familiar with Top Gear, are they?

Evidently not. The only thing I'm speculating on

is I don't think we should turn up looking like this.

No.

- No. Especially not you. - I have no formal wear with me.

Naked would be better than that.

As Hammond wouldn't let us use his shower,

James and I had to go native.

This is a brilliant system they've got here.

Women go there...

...and men go here.

RICHARD: As we finished our ablutions...

...the various factions started to arrive.

And Jeremy invited us over for pre-dinner cocktails.

Listen, help yourselves to a drink, because...

- Thanks very much. - ...I've had a thought.

It's possible...MI6

or the DEA

or some intelligence agency will want

to talk to us when we get back...

- Right. - ...about here.

So, manners - polite, British, representatives of the BBC,

but pay attention.

But don't make it obvious that you're finding things out, just be...

One of the things I've got, just as an example, is this lighter.

So, should some beautiful girl sidle up to me like in a Bond film,

and has no light for her cigarette,

I'm able to produce this, and as you can see,

it bears the face of Roger Moore, 007.

Like a light?

Do on your trousers... I used to... Hang on, try this one.

- You be the lady. - Yeah, OK, the lady.

Yah!

Excuse me, monsieur. I am a contessa, do you have a light?

- Ah. - Nice.

With a final word of warning to Hammond...

Don't get drunk.

I'lljust have one before I go.

...we headed off to the party...

From Britain, BBC Television.

...where we were offered some local delicacies...

Does it...? Oh! It's a caterpillar!

- That's right, that's right, caterpillar. - Caterpillar!

Goodbye, caterpillar.

As caterpillars weren't to Hammond's taste,

he went off to find something that was.

(SHOUTING)

- Hello, hello. - Hello, yes. (LAUGHS)

I can do that.

- ALL: Hello! - Yes,

I could do that all day! This is all right. I'm coming in, I like this.

JEREMY: As the food kept coming...

This is a cicada, a cricket.

...I was discovering that the region's special agriculture

didn't seem to be that special!

So it's sunflower seeds, soya bean, nothing else.

There is nothing, nothing.

Still, I was learning more than James...

...or Hammond.

(LAUGHTER AND CHATTER)

(CHEERING)

Who's got any whisky? Have you got any Scotch?

By midnight, I'd been through

- every single crop in the area. - (MUSIC AND CHEERING)

- Sesame seeds. - Sesame seeds,

- yeah, yeah. - Maize.

So, I took a leaf out of Hammond's book...

Cheers, cheers, cheers.

...and, along with May and half the film crew, joined the party.

(FESTIVE DRUMMING)

ALL: # I'm dressing sharp and I'm acting cool

# Got a cheerleader here... #

(CHEERING AND DRUMMING)

-(CRICKETS CHIRP)

(COCK CROWS)

Well, one thing is for sure.

There are absolutely no drugs in this part of Burma.

No, none.

I talked to everybody and...

I talked to people involved in the sales and distribution

of stationery, I talked to farmers, army people, Colonel Kurtz.

I spoke to Colonel Kurtz, he was in vegetables.

- Yeah. - Was he?

So if MI6 talk to us when we get back, we can say,

"You're looking in the wrong place."

Have you seen? Our colleague is not well.

We've got a lot of time to kill this morning before

thatis capable of driving a lorry. (LAUGHS)

Many, many hours later, we were back on the road.

Aw, man, that got out of hand! I think I punched a colonel!

Or kissed him.

JAMES: Hammond?

Yeah.

What was your whisky called again?

Hankey Bannister.

"Hankey Bannister. Third-best whisky in northern Burma."

Soon, though, the memories of our night at the end ofApocalypse Now

were eclipsed by the sheer beauty of this untouched paradise.

I've never taken more landscape photographs in my entire life.

It's just...

You've gotto come here. You have gotto come and see this.

James would have enjoyed the view, too,

but, predictably, he'd had yet another breakdown.

(ENGINE SPLUTTERS)

Cock!

The problem is - well, I don't know what the problem is,

but I started losing power up the hill.

Then it wouldn't even drive it in third

and it felt like it started running on two,

and then it was definitely only running on one cylinder, because it sounded like

the sort of generator that people put on in the night.

Ah... (BLEEP)

Non-BBC Two word!

Once I'd fixed the problem, which was wonky fuel injectors,

I was on the move again.

God, this lorry is appalling.

And it didn't take long to catch the others,

because the road was steep...

...and Hammond was in front.

Oh, God!

First gear!

Bad!

Literally the slowest I've ever been.

Hammond, I haven't got any more gears left.

I can't get out of the way, the road's too narrow,

I can't go any faster, I'm in a lorry!

It's pretty much vertical there.

Oh, God, look at the smoke now!

You know, I've got a mining lung disease.

I'm starting to imagine what Hammond might look like without any skin on.

Now what?

I think, if we all back up, he can come in here.

Hammond, we can't, there's nothing to be gained by...

(CRASH)

Hammond, you idiot, you've reversed into the sports lorry!

- You've broken it. - I didn't know.

Genuinely, that was an accident!

Don'tjust drive off, Hammond!

Hammond. Hammond!

He's broken my headlights, radiator.

My bull bar is broken.

I couldn't see you in the mirror.

What, you just reverse and hope?! Where did you think I was?

All day, I have been behind you.

I didn't think you were that close behind me.

I now know why they have those stickers for lorry-drivers -

"If you can't see my mirrors, I can't see you."

RICHARD: Even though the incident had been technically my fault,

I still followed the standard procedure.

What? He knows the rules. Live by the sword, you must...

Cook with the sword? I can't remember. Whatever. Something to do with swords.

He held me up all day, then he reversed into me,

so I think tonight Hammond's other wrist might break.

However, when I reached the overnight halt,

I came up with a more fiendish idea.

An idea that involved the bucket Hammond had fitted to collect rainwater

for his shower.

(TRICKLING)

JEREMY: I think this...this does pay him back

for holding us up all day long.

JAMES: Yep.

- JEREMY: Oh, there's more. - JAMES: Part two. Ah!

I then began to work on my lorry's waterworks.

Massive nuts holding that radiator on.

- 22 millimetres. - Yeah, I know.

- (SHOWER SPLATTERS) - RICHARD: Oh!

It's actually warm! So warm, fresh rainwater.

(WHISPERS) Golden rain.

RICHARD: I can taste the goodness. It tastes of the outdoors.

And neither of you two thought of doing this.

Ohh!

JEREMY: After dining on roast grasshopper,

we spent the evening playing with my Chinese lanterns.

- Are you going to set them off here? - Why not?

I should say in a country where a lot of people live in houses made of...

- What is it, dried grass? - He's got a point, actually.

- Oh, relax. - That's not going to be a problem.

The chances of you getting one of those things to work...

(LAUGHTER)

Let go, let it fly.

- Yes. Hammond, ye of little faith. - Go find a barn or a thatched roof.

JEREMY: Now, let's just... I'm going to get a beer and savour the moment.

RICHARD: This is just a... It's a mobile bonfire.

It is. If it were to land in a field of poppies, for example,

imagine how beautiful that would be.

Feeling content and happy, we went to bed.

Well, one of us did.

JAMES: What do you think the chances are of waking him?

RICHARD: You won't wake him, he sleeps the sleep of the dead!

- JAMES: So that's in neutral and... - RICHARD: Yeah.

(ENGINE REVS)

JEREMY: What the...?!

Jesus Christ! Ow!

JAMES: The next morning, despite the tranquillity of our surroundings,

Jeremy hit the road in a fractious mood.

Why did you tip me out of my lorry?

Because you swung me around in my tent.

But you deserved that, because you're irritating. I'm neverirritating.

It's a good pointJeremy raises, I feel quite bad about it now,

because when has he ever been irritating?

(LAUGHS)

To make my mood even worse,

the endless hard going had had a catastrophic effect on my brakes.

I think they're only working now on the left-hand side.

Nothing, everything.

You move your foot that much, that's the difference.

Fortunately, we were now only 80 miles from the border with Thailand.

But, unfortunately, none of those miles would be gentle.

Oh, this'll be... It's bad in here, it'll be worse in Jeremy's lorry.

(MUMBLES TO HIMSELF)

JEREMY: It was desperately uncomfortable and hot,

and ahead of us lay the biggest mountain range yet.

This climb is exactly what you need in a lorry with a leaky radiator(!)

RICHARD: Oh, that is a trouser-threatening drop.

(LAUGHS)

James May is a man who does not like heights.

He's also a man whose lorry has its front axle held on with a bit of string.

- JEREMY: How's your vertigo, May? - OVERRADIO: I'm not looking.

But thanks for reminding me.

JEREMY: Progress was extremely slow

as I had to keep stopping to refill my radiator.

Pouring out from exactly where the Araldite was.

Fairly convinced this is an old wives' tale, but we shall see.

Meanwhile, James was having his first breakdown of the day.

(GRINDING)

Oh... (BLEEP)

- (GEAR DOES NOT ENGAGE) - No...

(ENGINE STOPS)

This time, it was the transfer box,

which had burst free from its mountings.

That's the transfer box, that's the bracket where it's bolted on,

those two bolts have been shaken out.

Oh, cock!

JEREMY: God, it's still going on, it's still more mountains.

(SHOUTS) When will this end?!

Oh, my God, it gets steeper! I've got to keep me moving.

If I stop, pulling away will kill the clutch, I'm sure of that.

JEREMY: OK, my temperature gauge is now really very high.

I'm looking for a little stream.

Still, at least the mood was more cheerful than it was at the back of the convoy.

(ENGINE REVS)

(BLEEP)

(BLEEP) ...second gear failed, and now the engine has... (BLEEPING) ...arse.

You piece of... (BLEEP)

RICHARD: With some careful nursing, Jeremy and I eventually reached the summit,

where there was one hell of a reward.

Oh-ho!

Oh!

That is insane!

That is...

RICHARD: Never seen views like it.

JEREMY: Not as extensive.

RICHARD: Not all at the same time.

JEREMY: No. I mean, what have we got here?

- JEREMY: Himalayas. - RICHARD: Yeah.

JEREMY: Austria.

RICHARD: Yeah. Bit of Scotland going on there.

JEREMY: Quite a bit of Scotland. And the sky.

- RICHARD: Enormous. - JEREMY: We'd like a sky from Texas.

- RICHARD: I'd like Texas sky. - JEREMY: But bigger.

RICHARD: Much bigger.

JEREMY: Absolutely staggering.

JEREMY: Sadly, though, the peace of the moment was then shattered.

(RUMBLING)

(HORN BLASTS)

JEREMY: The A-May van has arrived.

RICHARD: He's in a rile.

Mate, you've got the crane here.

(BLEEP) ...heap of dog... (BLEEP)

Don't say anything.

(WHISPERS) I don't think he's very happy.

JAMES: Mingalaba.

You know the old Buddhist expression, don't you?

He who tips a man out of his lorry will suffer from many breakdowns.

Mmm.

JEREMY: From here to the border with Thailand, it was downhill all the way.

Which for me, at least, was a bit alarming.

Oh, God. Look at that road now.

No brakes, no brakes.

RICHARD: If your brakes went entirely, would you stay with it

and hope you could sort it out or would you bail out?

JEREMY: Do you know, I'm actually sitting here planning that very thing.

I've planned my bailout already.

I've even practised lunging for the door handle.

RICHARD: I've got an image ofJames punching his lorry

all the way down the slopes as they fell.

(CHUCKLES)

JEREMY: Amazingly, we all made it to the bottom of the mountain in one piece.

Nearly.

And now we were only 40 miles from the Thai border.

Oh, this is it. We are about to leave Burma.

I'm going to miss it.

There's just so many amazing moments.

There's been so many funny little things.

(NOSTALGIC MUSIC)

(INAUDIBLE)

Soon, we cross the border into Thailand, and this meant

we were nowjust 1 9 miles from our finishing line at the River Kwai.

1 9 miles of easy-going on smooth roads.

Oh, it's... Hammond, your tyre! Your tyre is...

It's detonating, mate.

It's hard to explain to you... (LAUGHS)

I'm not giving up. I'm not stopping.

How many wheels do I need?!

Happily, the rest of my tyres stayed inflated and as darkness fell,

we finally reached our destination.

I believe we are at the River Kwai.

The crane is here, everybody.

It's bolted onto a... (BLEEP) ...lorry, but never mind that.

My brain is frazzled. I don't want to sweat in here any more,

I don't want to listen to the lorry struggling and screaming

and straining to climb another hill.

Ah, ah, ah!

I am going to sleep for 1 ,000 years.

Has my spine come out of the top of my head?

I can't see because my eyes have been shaken loose.

I think my pelvis has moved round in my body.

- I'm not surprised, in your lorry. - Itjust doesn't work!

Cos your pedals are all different.

- You've got that as well. - Releasing the clutch is that.

It's like a Masonic dance thing that I have to do every time.

You know those power plates in gyms that make you stupid?

(JUDDERS)

There's also a psychological thing -

every time I hear a diesel engine start, I will have a nervous twitch.

Manual gearboxes. I'm, erm... What? What?!

What?! You have ruined me and my life.

The gearbox is too far from first to...

"The prisoners of war walked to their bridge site.

"You have driven here, so shut up."

- "Work on the bridge starts at 05.00..." - What?!

"...05.00. And you can't go home

"until all three lorries have driven over it."

JEREMY: 05.00?!

JAMES: What's the point? We're not actually still in the war.

- What's the point of 05.00? - But it'll only be a little river.

(SOFTLY) True.

The next morning at precisely 05.00... and 1 1 ,

we discovered just how wrong we were.

It is much wider than I thought it was going to be.

JAMES: I thought it would be one of those comedic little gullies.

- I did. - It's 1 00 times wider.

JAMES: We were going to need a 60-metre bridge,

so James went off to make plans,

and Hammond and I decided to measure the depth of the water.

Well, when I say Hammond and I...

- I'm approaching plumb depth. - (LAUGHS)

Ah! Broach the plumb... (GASPS)

Oh, oh, oh! It's ever so cold!

Just...

I hate myjob!

I'm sorry!In Bridge On The River Kwai, did Alec Guinness go,

"Oh, it's ever so cold"?

I bet he did in reality! Oh! I bet he did in reality!

Oh!

Sadly, at this point, my colleague was carried away by the current.

Swim, man!

I am!

You're the weakest swimmer in the world!

And since he was providing no useful feedback,

I went to check on James's plans.

This is what I was thinking.

The bank goes down at each side, obviously.

We build up the approach area with these baskets of stones,

make some vertical piles out of bamboo, like this,

these longerons, I'm calling them,

they're just bamboo lashed together, these will go this way...

Two tracks for the wheels, that's all you need - the rest of it is immaterial -

and then a little superstructure like this, all adding strength...

You know the sort of thing. ...so that it looks a bit like the film.

Basically, we need to start with rocks

and some wire mesh to make boxes to put them in.

- Where are we getting rocks from? - Well, that's yourjob,

because you have the tipper lorry.

JAMES: I set about making the wire-mesh baskets...

...freed up the space in Jeremy's cargo bay...

JEREMY: May, you imbecile!

...and when Hammond finally returned,

I sent them both off to a nearby quarry to get the rocks.

You put them in the front of this one.

Yeah, stick them in the front. Let's have these ones here.

Jeremy...are you going to do anything?

- What could I do? - We're loading the trucks!

- You've gotta direct him where... - He's loading them!

RICHARD: With the trucks loaded, Jeremy finally got off his backside

and immediately started to shout at me.

Hammond! You idiot!

What?

You put about 400 tonnes of rocks

and it is stuck.

I woke you to say,

"Are you going to help with the loading?"

Your words were, "There's nothing to do! There's a man doing it!"

That's exactly the kind of issue you should have been awake for.

How do I know what your load is?! I don't know!

JEREMY: The only solution was to tip some of the rocks out.

Oh, no, no, no!

Ooh, my! That's a remarkable accident.

Cos look...

Oh, jeez, no!

Your windscreen has actually come out.

This is a... (BLEEPING) ...disaster now!

The breeze'll be nice(!)

JEREMY: Predictably, when we got back, James was overflowing with sympathy.

(JAMES CHORTLES)

Did you head-butt it?

But look...

(JAMES GUFFAWS)

JEREMY: Richard and James began to load their basket by hand.

Oh, that's a big rock!

But I'm allergic to manual labour, so I used horsepower instead.

And then I went into town to buy supper.

What vegetables are these, I wonder.

That's the strangest vegetable I've ever seen. It's moving about!

Eel!

- Are these pets or supper? - (INDISTINCT REPLY)

For...om-nom-nom-nom?

They're a bit bony for my taste.

Is this a marrow?

Fuk. It's the word "fuk".

- A...? - Name - fuk.

This is...

Crikey, is it? Right, well, I thought it was a marrow.

There we are.

That's something we've learned.

- In Thailand, the word for... - Fuk.

Yes, it's that. That's the word for "marrow".

What is this?

- Prik. - A prick?

Well, for Richard Hammond maybe, but...

Prick?

Are all your words rude?

Tits.

Arse.

When I returned, I brought with me a gang of local labourers.

RICHARD: What are you doing?

Well, there's no way we're going to be able to

build this bridge by ourselves, let's be reasonable.

JAMES: Actually, he's right, Hammond.

You and I are not going to be able to build this bridge by ourselves.

- I know, which was... - Hello, officers won't work.

Alec Guinness made that very plain

in, erm, Bridge On The River Kwai, in the film.

That was the whole premise of the story, is that officers won't work.

- Who says...? - You're an officer?

- Of course I'm an officer! - Who says you're an officer?

I am! I'm the Alec Guinness figure here. It's obvious.

- Because you've got a stick? - Come along, chaps.

That stick may disappear quite soon.

RICHARD: With the local chaps helping, James and I started to make good progress.

However, as we toiled away,

the self-appointed officer seemed to be setting up a children's tea party.

What are you doing now?

Well, it's a trick I learned, actually,

from the British, when they were in Burma in the 1 9th century.

They would employ some local young chap,

cover him in jam,

he would follow them around all day and he'dattract the insects.

They called him a jam boy.

- This is myjam bear. - It doesn't seem very fair.

It was, it was, because at the end of the day, he got to keep the jam.

JEREMY: At the end of our long, difficult day, I produced my delicious supper.

It smells very good, Clarkson.

- What is it? - Mm.

I'll whisper it to you, cos I can't say it in front of the viewers.

- What? - She just looked at me and went...

- (INAUDIBLE) - What did you say?

- Well, I've heard about Thailand. - Steady on!

I'd even prepared a treat for Hammond.

For afters, I've got you something very special indeed.

What?

Well, I know you're partial to a bit of Black Cock.

Mm.

Oh, yes!

And so I've managed to find...

Oh, you hero!

- Oh, well done. - Black Cock.

- Stiff one? - Yes, please.

- Get that down your neck. - Cheers.

RICHARD: Bottoms up.

JEREMY: I'll tell you what, I'm going to sleep tonight. Absolutely.

I'm worn out.

JAMES: The next morning...

...the dawn light revealed just how little we'd achieved.

So, before the morning mist had cleared, everyone was hard at work.

Well, when I say everyone...

(MOBILE PHONE ALARM)

- Morning, May. - Good morning.

Are you actually going to do any work today?

I have explained this to you until I'm blue in the face.

Officers won't work.

Guys?

May?

Can you hear something?

JEREMY: I need a poo!

Guys, I've had a thought. It turns out officers will work.

After they released me...

- Right, work. - Remains available.

...I immediately decided we needed more labour-saving machinery

so I rented a digger for Hammond

and I went for something that would humiliate May.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

I'm afraid James has totallywasted his time bringing that crane here.

Go on, son!

Oh, no!

(BLEEPING)

- RICHARD: What was that?! - It fell over, James.

- Do you see...? - What have you done?!

- Hold on a minute! - What?

Do you see where the end of yourjib landed?

I had only walked back to see where the pile was.

If I'd still been standing there, it would've taken my head off, you madman!

- It fell over! - It almost killed me!

What do you mean, it fell over? It doesn't...

They don't fall over, crane lorries!

- They don't fall over on the motorway! - RICHARD: Well, it has done, hasn't it?

- What do you mean, it doesn't fall over? - You knocked it over!

Your crane is too small,

so I've got a bigger one to reach further into the river.

Right. My crane is too small. That's punishable by death, is it?

JEREMY: AfterJames had calmed down a bit, we decided to solve the problem

by using the combined power of Richard's digger and the A-May van.

In three, two, one...

Lift away!

Hammond!

(RUMBLING AND CRACKING)

Oh!

Yeah...

But with stronger cables, we soon had my crane the right way up.

Excellent. And back to work.

(ROUSING MILITARY-TYPE MUSIC)

Just use this as an enormous hammer, so...

It's alljust delicacy, this.

Oi!

That little insect that he's dragged all the way here is simply

getting in our way.

Oh, well done, Hammond.

Hang on.

JEREMY: That's the ticket!

- Hammond! - Come on, James, out you come.

Spiky things!

Even though we were now working as a team, and the bridge was starting

to take shape, we were still way behind James's schedule.

This side, the blue pegs, represents how far we should have got by now.

The red pegs show how far we actually have got.

- Obviously, not far enough. - It's worse than I thought.

So, the three of us worked on into the night.

- Is this long? - This is long.

That's to go to Hammond.

- Whoa, stop there. - It's a bit further.

- I've got it, no, I've got it. - You sure?

And even though we went to bed exhausted...

(EXHALES)

...sleep forJeremy and I was impossible.

(LOUD SNORING)

JAMES: Clarkson!

Funny(!)

You funny men(!)

RICHARD: We were even funnier getting him back in.

I think it's the red one.

- Is it the red one? - I don't know.

Right, so, hang on, I've got one with, like, a circle.

- This one looks like an onion. - Is it this one?

That bottom one swivels. Jesus...

No, the bottom...

- It's got a bit of a wave on now. - Waargh! Wargh!

(LAUGHTER)

James, you're falling out of your tent!

Oh, you...!

- He's fallen in! - Help!

- That's an alarm clock, isn't it?! - Oh, sorry, James.

The bottom of this river's made out of turds.

- I know. - Yeah.

Try not to drink more than a pint.

JAMES: As I was carried away by the current, I noticed that

the end of the bridge was now beyond the reach of our cranes.

So, when I returned, we built a home-made pile-driver...

...mounted it to a home-made barge...

and kept right on going.

Oh, no!

- (CREAKING) - (BLEEP)

Oh, my God!

- Stop it! James! Hold on. - I can't stop it!

- Get it! - Get it.

- My bridge! - The bridge!

- (BLEEP) - Whoa!

- It's all tied up. - Rescue it, rescue it!

That took hours!

I've got it! I've got it!

Hold on!

- (BLOWS RASPBERRY) - Hold... No!

No! No!

- Hold on. - That was a deep bit with...

- JEREMY: I'm drowning in... (BLEEP) - RICHARD: Oh, no!

- Hammond! - Well, this is...

- Man overboard! Man overboard! - (RICHARD GASPS)

- How the hell are we ever going to...? - JAMES: This is hopeless.

RICHARD: This is worse!

- Abandon bridge! - JAMES: I'm not. I'm getting back...

(BLEEP)

JEREMY: Once we were back ashore, we gathered for an emergency meeting.

(SIGHS) I presume it was one of these that gave way.

- Mm, the piling. - But why did it?

Current.

Would it help focus our minds more on the problem

if we had a shot of Hong Thong?

- Yes. - Or we could have the Red Cock.

- I'm having Hong Thong, please. - Have you got any White Spirit?

Yes, I have.

- JEREMY: I... I just don't get it. - (LIQUID POURS)

RICHARD: If one of the piers was wrong, that would do it.

If we used...

What if we used more of those...whatever you call them, those bags of...

(JAMES CHOKES QUIETLY)

It's not helping him... What if we used more of those bags of stones

to protect the bamboo pillars from the current?

That White Spirit, by the way, actually IS white spirit!

- You're kidding! What...? - It's for cleaning brushes.

JEREMY: We carried on with the build

and as the long, hot days passed,

the bridge inched closer to the opposite bank.

There you go.

(CRASH)

RICHARD: They needed that!

Oh! He's gone through the ramp.

Right, listen, who here would like an ice-cold beer?

- Oh, give up! - Well, yeah, obviously!

- Hammo? - Yes? Oh! Oh!

Yes, please! You have a customer for that!

Oh, you haven't seriously got some?!

- Ice-cold. - Thank you! Where did they come from?!

Oh, excellent work!

Well, as I keep explaining,

officers like to look after their men.

I... I'm a working officer,

thinking of his men.

I got you a gin and tonic last night. I thought this would be better today,

cos it's hot.

- That's tremendous. - That is good officership, that. Cheers!

- Mm! - Ahh.

In a weird way...this is one of the most enjoyable beers

- I've had for a long time... - It is.

...because I feel I've earned it.

I know... I know I appear to be just lying down,

but I've had to build the bit

- that I lie down on. - You are lying down

in a place where you would

- not have been able to lie down. - Exactly.

First, I had to make the lying-down place before I could enjoy...

- a brigadier's beer. - A beer is a context-sensitive thing.

It was, and that is cold.

- Mm. - Mm.

You didn't chill it down in the river,

- did you? - What?

- You didn't chill it down in... - No.

- Good. - Not much.

JEREMY: As we passed the two-thirds point,

I was forced to call another emergency meeting.

What's the matter?

Well, you know, we thought we were building a bridge over the River Kwai,

- which is noble? - Hm?

- We are. - We're not.

The name of thatriver...

Oh...

The Kok?

Top Gearis building a bridge over the River Kok.

It's actually memorable.

It is. You wouldn't order the wrong film from an internet website.

- You'd be very careful if you were. - How is BBC presentation...?

You know the woman at the beginning of every programme - "And tonight,

"Jeremy, James and Richard build a bridge over the River Kok."

Well, we're not moving it!

JEREMY: At this point, we'd been at the site

for what seemed like an eternity

and we were desperate to get home

so we were working round the clock.

- Got it? - Yeah.

- That's a heavy... - That's a bit denser, that one.

RICHARD: I hate bamboo.

I hate bamboo.

So much.

You know...

You know, after that drive through Burma,

I was left with an enormous amount of respect

for long-distance lorry-drivers, but...

here, now,

I have even more respect for those prisoners of war...

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

I mean, let's be honest, shall we?

- We are eating here at night. - Yeah.

We haven't got dysentery

- and we haven't got cholera. - No.

- And we're not been beaten daily. - No, no.

I mean, this is difficult, hard, hot work...

- But nothing... - No.

- ...at all... - And you know...

- that metal box? - Yeah.

There was a guy called Captain Drower

who broke the camp commandant's table.

He was sentenced to life underground and they buried him

in one of those metal boxes with the metal roof exposed to the sun,

and he was in there for 76 days.

- Oh, God. - 76...

He had a broken arm when they put him in and when they got him out,

the rats had eaten most of one of his feet.

Itjust beggars belief.

As the sun rose on the 1 5th day,

after the hardest work any of us had ever done,

the bridge was finished.

In three, two, one...

I declare...

- Oh! - ...the bridge open.

- RICHARD: What a moment. - And, James May,

you shall cross it first.

Why am I crossing it first?

Because I just said, "James May, you shall cross it first."

- He did, he said that. - I did, didn't I?

- You did, you said that. - Definitely.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Right... Lucky elephant,

lucky owl,

Buddha, here we go.

(ENGINE STARTS)

(BRIDGE CREAKS AND RATTLES)

Oh, yeah.

I am on the bridge over the River Kok!

This is genuinely the most nerve-racking thing I've ever done.

James, you are perilously... Does he realise?

He's a long way over to the right.

Position, keep calm,

keep calm.

Oh, my God! It's squirreling!

- Oh! - Ooh, they're rending.

I'm more than halfway across!

(BLEEP)

All I've got to do is get down here.

I've just got to get down here.

I've almost done it.

Please...

(BRIDGE CREAKS)

I'm over the River Kok on our own bridge!

Yee-ha!

Come on!

RICHARD: Can you go next?

- Yes, I will go next. - Really?

Yes, because your lorry is a lot heavier than my lorry

and will weaken it.

I didn't think of that.

I have a policy here - speed and power.

Because, in my mind,

speed makes you lighter.

I can't see the bridge now.

Here we go.

I'm taking, here,

- the first-ever gear-change... - (GEARS CRUNCH)

...on the bridge over the River Kok

and I ballsed it up!

Going too close to the middle.

Oh, the splintering noises.

And I'm weakening it for Hammond!

Yes! Come on, sports lorry!

Yes!

The mighty sports lorry has...

broken its door,

but it is across and is bouncing to celebrate the moment.

Yes!

RICHARD: Now it was the turn of the heaviest lorry of the lot.

Oh, dear God.

This is a bridge that we built.

I mean, obviously, I want him to fall into the Kok.

Yes...

But, if he does, we can't go home.

- The challenge said all three lorries. - I know.

Now, this truck is supposed to weigh

seven-and-a-half tonnes,

but I don't know if that takes into consideration

all the extra bits on top!

Oh, my God!

Oh, oh!

(BRIDGE CREAKS)

Oh!

Oh, I can hear it crushing.

I can feel it moving.

(BOTH GASP)

Oh, no, what's happened?!

Oh, no!

What have I done?

There's some more...

- He's got this end, as well. - Oh, God!

- It's losing structure! - (BRIDGE GROANS)

Oh!

It's breaking apart!

Oh...!

Don't rush to the end, Rich. Just go in your own...

Oh! Hold it!

Oh!

Just tiptoe.

Just... Just tread lightly.

(BRIDGE CREAKS)

Just tiptoe your way across.

That's it. That's it.

Think light thoughts.

This way, this way, this way...

(BRIDGE CREAKS)

JAMES: This way a bit. This way a bit.

- This way a bit. - This way, this way,

- you're going to fall off. - You're going to fall in!

- Yeah! - Yo!

Whoo-ha-ha! Yes!

- Hammond! - Richard Hammond!

I've never been glad to see you alive before,

but I am now.

- Ohh... - You were so close.

We did it. We did it.

- Ow! - Oh, sorry.

Mate...

Do you know how close you were to falling into the middle at the end?

- Half a tyre. - Half a tyre over the edge.

The fact is, though...

All three of us have done it.

With our trucks, over the river.

Here we are.

- 1 ,200 miles, built a bridge... - Yeah.

- ...drove all three lorries across it. - Yeah.

It worked.

Unlike the real film, Bridge On The River Kwai...

- Yeah. - ...there is no bombshell.

- No. - No.

- No. - But there is an ending.

- Thanks very much for watching. - Thanks for watching.

Whoa! What a journey!

God, you were close!

(# FRANCO TAMPONI: I Divi)

.DcoY. Zanganeh.Milad@GMail.com