All language subtitles for Opening.Night.2016

-Where is it?

Come on.

Where is it?

What the--

are you kidding me? Jesus.

Coming to Broadway,

one hit wonderland,

starring 'nsync's jc chasez.

You're only a one hit wonder

until your second hit.

Featuring new versions
of all your favorite

one hit wonders of the past.

Visit telecharge.Com
to book your ticket to--

-here you go, man.
-Thank you.

-I can't keep up with
your sexual workload.

-Well, what about
you and Nick?

How many times
did y'all do it a week?

-I don't know,
three or four.

-What?

-Oh, honey.

-What is wrong with that?

-Come here.
Nicky, come here.

You mean to tell me

you were only entering
this beautiful creature

three or four times
in a week?

-Yeah,
but to be fair,

she was also entering me
three or four times a week.

So, you know,
it's not so bad.

-I like that.

Oh, which reminds me.

Where were you last night,
bitch?

You could not be found.

-I do not kiss and tell.

-Ooh.
-Ooh.

-Okay, seriously.
Come on, spill it.

-Seriously, stop.

-Oh. Sorry.

-Oh, come on.

We broke up like a year ago.

-Yeah, I know, and still
my lips are sealed.

-Oh, we know
that can't be the case

or else there'd be
no story to tell.

- Oh.

-Guys, we got like
10 minutes to show.

-Thank you.

-Help me
with my vocal warmups.

- Right here.

Start here.

-Guys, can you stop that?

You know--you know I hate that.

- What this?

-Yes. This is why
i hate musical theater.

-Oh, come on,
you know you love it.

-I don't.

-Please don't do this.

-Thank you.

-Guys, guys.

Don't you think
it's like really cheesy

when people just like
randomly break into song?

It's fucking corny.

-Fuck you, guys.

Hey, everyone,
this is not a drill.

I need you
to report to the stage

and start
getting to places.

Nick, we've
got a bit of a problem here.

One of the background dancers
called in sick.

-Call wicked.

Have them send over
one of their spares.

We got
a packed house out there, mate.

-Well,
let's not fuck it up.

Nine minutes to curtain,
everybody.

-Save it
for the show, buddy.

-We just blew a bulb
in the opening backdrop.

-What?
-Yeah.

-What, right now?
Which bulb?

- The big one.
-I'm not--

-the one...What?
What are you--

okay, look, not again.

I know
that you have a tendency

to swallow your words
in high stress situations,

but you gotta give me
a chance, okay?

I need you tonight.

Breathe. Breathe.
Breathe with me.

Okay. Which bulb?

-The big one,
the one that dots the I.

-Atta girl.
Hey, Waldo, we lost some rays.

I need you to run
a second ball of sunshine

up to the opening backdrop,
okay?

Brilliant. I'm on it.

-He's good to go.
-Okay.

-Oh, Nick, thank god, man.

Please tell me you're carrying.
-Carrying?

-Marijuana, you know, the muse
of the common musician.

I left my stash at home.

-Actually, I don't have
any weed on me.

-Well, I can't play
the bass guitar

unless I'm on drugs, Nick.

No one can. That's how
the bass guitar works.

I'm sorry. It's just that
I'm a fucking hack, man.

I got nothing
without my weed, nothing.

-Except for a crippling
drug dependency.

-I want Malcolm
off the fucking show.

-Not now, Brandy.

-He's a Weasly
little tit tickler

who sings like a deaf otter
with hpv.

-Wow, you really are
the Picasso of insults.

You know, I have a theory

that you actually write
these the night before.

-Just fire him.

-Did he do something
to you?

-Shut up and fire him
or I quit.

-Well, you will be missed.

-You're a dickless, talentless,
micropenis pageboy,

and nobody respects you

'cause you wear your headset
like a little tiara.

-See, that one just didn't
really feel off the cuff.

Eight minutes to show,
ladies.

-Nick, so now
that I'm pregnant,

I'm probably going to get tired
pretty easily out there.

So if I get winded, I'm just
going to walk offstage

and catch a quick breather.

-What? No.

You can't just walk offstage
in the middle of a number.

-Nick, I'm carrying
precious cargo.

-Monica, you are literally
three days pregnant.

You asked us all
to do coke with you

in a bar central bathroom
last week.

-Well, that's before I received
this little blessing.

-No, that's why
you received this blessing.

You'll be fine.

-Nick, additional concern.
-Sure.

-I've already
sweat through.

You think these stains
will read onstage?

-Uh, yes.
Those would read from space.

Tina, can you fire up
the blowdryer?

Help Debbie out here.

Nick, I'm afraid we have

another issue
with an emotional Eric.

-Stay in there.

-So sorry.

-What happened?

-Mammy died.

-Your grandmother died?

-Wait, my grandmother died?

-His grandmother
died, too?

-No, no, no, no.

-Granny and now mammy.

-No. Good lord.

Who the fuck is mammy?

-It's his pet marmoset.

-Oh, well, of course.

Hey, guys. Guys?

I get it, okay.

Mammy seemed like
she was a really special--

-it's a he.

-Rodent.

But I need you all

to get
to first positions.

I think it's what mammy
might've wanted.

-Okay.
-Good.

-I'll do it for mammy.

-That's the spirit.

Hey, let's do this one
for mammy, huh, guys?

-Hooray.
-All right. Yeah.

-Hello?
-You, backup dancer?

-Si, Xavier.

-Hola. Me llamo Nick.

Thanks so much for coming
on such short notice.

-I think I know you.
You are an actor, too, no?

-No, no, no, no, no.

-Yes, I think I saw you
in the theater.

-No. Xavier, look,

I've been working on Broadway
for six years.

You sing and dance and you
have an affinity for lycra,

you know me.

Who here wants to get x
to wardrobe?

-I will help him.
-Right here.

-Wow, never a lack
of subtlety.

Seven minutes to show, guys.

-This must be what it's like
to undress the rock.

-You got any idea

why Brandy might
want you off the show?

-Oh, it's probably because i
fucked her boyfriend last night.

- Oh.

You fucked Brandy's
boyfriend last night?

-Oh, absolutely.

-Why didn't you say
anything about it?

-I didn't think
it was that interesting.

-Hey, um, weird question.

Are you holding?

-Nick. Drugs?

What, is the pressure
of the big night getting to you?

-It's for someone else.
-Shut up.

You know
I'm playing with you.

-Thank you.
-Okay.

-Any word on who Chloe...
You know?

-Who Chloe what?

-You know, last night.
Who she...

-Last night.

-Why are you doing this
to me?

This is killing you,
isn't it?

-Shut up.

-Guys, six minutes to show.

Mickey.

-Oh, fuck, yeah.

Maestro, we are back.

Shit, who's got a lighter?

-Ladies.

Come on,
what's going on in there?

Jc, come on.

Oh. Thank you.

Let's get back to
the ladies' dressing room.

-Nick, we were just doing
some vocal warmups.

Want to make sure that once we
get out there we're all in sync.

Get it?

-I get it every time, jc.

Look, it's five minutes
to show.

Why do we always
have to cut this so close?

-Come here, okay?

The secret to success
is relaxation.

-I'm relaxed.

-No. You know there was
another guy in my band

who couldn't relax either?

To be honest with you,

he was just as good a singer
as me and the other guy.

-Justin Timberlake?

-Whoever. Anyway, he should've
been front and center

far more than he was,
but he was in the closet

dealing with
some personal issues.

I'm not gonna say
who it was.

-It was Lance bass.

-So you know
what I'm talking about.

-I don't think I do.

-One Lance
had the courage to say,

"hey, world, I'm as gay
as you thought I was,"

everything got better.

-I'm not gay, jc.

- You sound just like Lance.

-Hey, sir Joshua s. Chasez,

you long-dick motherfucker.

Whoo, there it is.

Look at you, huh?

You are a goddamn
living god.

-Come on, Mitch.
Nobody's a living god.

But if there was one,
it's gonna be me.

-Yeah.
-Get it?

- He nailed it. Nailed it.

You never
looked better, babe.

All right, listen to me,
you little shit.

I need you to keep that
glorified backup singer focused.

Do you understand?
-Yes, Mr. goldmeyer.

-Between him and Brooke,

this show is hanging on
by the string of your tampon.

-I thought they looked decent
in rehearsals.

-Decent? Decent?

You of all people
should know decent

ends a show's run
on opening night.

We got one shot at this.

Now where's that fucking
crypt keeper?

Hey! There she is. Wow.

What a star.
-A star?

How come when you Google
Brooke treme,

it autofills "whatever
happened to Brooke treme?"

"Whatever happened to"
is now officially my first name.

And so modest. So modest.

You really are
the full package.

Nick, is she a goddess
or what?

- Nick?

-We might need a touchup
on Brooke.

Copy that.

-Thanks for the honesty,
Nick.

-You look great!

Hey, dickhead.

You think I don't know
she needs makeup?

She's one bad
lighting setup away

from passing for Mel Brooks.

-Sure.
-Ah-di-di-di. I'm not done yet.

Mel Brooks' asshole.
-Wow.

-Now it's our job to keep
that morbid bitch happy.

So you just
keep blowing smoke

up that cellulite ass
chimney of hers, got it?

-Got it.

-Hey, fuckballs,
is that a hard-on?

Do you have a hard-on
in the hallway?

-Is he gone? Ugh.

-Should you be smoking
before you have to sing?

-Oh, let's be honest.
At this point in my career,

I'm only doing it
for the money anyway.

-Brooke, you've worked too hard
to really mean that.

-I worked hard for
the beekeeper's daughter.

I worked hard
for John Wayne's rainbow taxi.

I worked hard for
minorities the musical.

That material
was worthy of my talent.

For this, I'm working
for my agent's

summer rental in lake como

and another round
of laser hair removal.

-Hmm.

-The vaginal kind.

-No, I got that.

-Break a leg out there,
Ms. treme.

-Who the fuck are you?

-Ron. Props.

You know, just 'cause
i work on the crew

doesn't mean
i can't be a huge fan.

And I am, of you.

-Okay. Anyway--

-oh, it's so weird seeing,
you know, you so close.

It's like I can reach out
and grab you, you know.

I won't.
-Dude.

-Ron, don't you have
somewhere you need to be?

-If by somewhere to be
you mean backstage

at the hottest musical
this town's ever seen,

then I think
I'm in the right spot.

-That's not what I mean.
Get back to props now.

-Okay. Time
to put on a show. Whoo-hoo.

-Golly, the kind of
unbridled optimism

that truly makes me
want to puke.

Excuse me while I do that.

-719, 818.

-Brian, stop looking at the
audience and get on last looks.

-Dude, there's a lot of talent
in the house tonight.

Check out the 818s
in the front row.

-818s?

-Area code, you know.

-No.

-Look, first digit's
a chick's face, zero to nine.

Second digit,
would you do them?

One, you would do them,
zero, you wouldn't.

Zeroes are rare obviously.

-Obviously.

-Third digit's the body,
again zero to nine.

-Look, Brian,
i really don't have time

to grasp this incredibly
douchey-sounding concept.

-Nick!

-Look, here comes a 717.

-Center Debbie's mic
is all soggy.

She needs a new one.
-All right.

-Before we do that,

Tina, let's just get
your costume adjusted here.

Last looks.

-Keep it classy, dude.

-All right, now let's check
that panty line.

-Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to Broadway's
Harper Lee theater.

Please turn off
all cell phones, cameras,

and other
electronic devices.

Texting and photography
are strictly prohibited.

- Really?

-Thank you,
and enjoy the show.

-You are the type of girl

that needs to be
swept off her feet,

and I might be the guy
with the broom.

- And where
would you be sweeping me?

-Well, I might
just sweep you

to a little spot that I like
to call the fuck palace.

-Damn it, Lee.

What the hell's
the fuck palace?

-Well, that's what I call
my apartment.

-Your studio apartment
in Spanish Harlem

is the fuck palace?

-Yeah, essentially.

-No.
-No?

-No, no, no, no.
I think--yeah.

-Not--not good?

-Just keep it light,
keep it funny, okay?

Girls don't like
to feel threatened.

-Thank you so much.

Just having
a really hard time

getting back in the game
after my wife left me.

-You're a really, really
good guy, and you'll get it.

I promise.
-Okay.

-Okay.
-Thanks.

-Oh, by the way, before
i forget, do you have my money?

-What,
for the dating lessons?

-No, for fantasy football.

-Yeah, I just don't have
any cash on me.

-Oh, really?
You sure?

-No, I mean,
let me see.

-Let me just see, too.
-No, you have to look.

-Yeah,
that's my emergency 20.

-It's my emergency 20 now.

-Fine.
-Go.

We're going to keep practicing
your skills tomorrow, okay.

You're making progress.

-No, I'm not.

-Damn.

Pimps be chasing down
them greenbacks.

-Yeah, I got all these
little bitches on my tip.

-No shit.

-What you got for daddy?

-Is it weird
that I'm like--

-what?

-I'm kind of attracted
to gangster Mozart?

-Are you a fan of my
motherfucking concerto?

What me to bach it up?

-Bach.
I get that reference.

-I'll skedaddle
like you want me--

sorry.

-I was afraid
this was gonna happen.

-What?
-Look, look.

Last night was fun and all,
but the clinginess.

It's a turn-off.

-No, I was--
-it's easier this way.

No strings attached.

Catch that?

-You fucked jc...Chasez?

-I was really drunk.
You know that.

-That's...Cool.

You know, it's really
none of my business.

Showtime. We should probably
get to first positions.

-Oh, okay. Okay.

All right,
people, showtime.

We only get one of these
nights. Let's make it count.

-We got 30 seconds.

Roger that. Let's do this.

-Break a leg, guys.

-Rising up the charts
to number one.

-And boom box in 2, 1...

All right, smoke.

Can we get
a little more smoke?

-Go, go, go, go, go.

-Heh. That fuck
wrote this show.

See, one hit wonderland

isn't exactly a place
anyone wants to visit.

But most people
that have success

wind up getting
a free one-way ticket.

One hit wonders
have been around

since the first caveman
banged two rocks together,

but they took off like never
before in the eighties.

-Rock me, amadeus.

-Go, go, go, go, go.

-With the nineties
came cd,

and then a whole lot more
classics like this one.

Yo, vip, let's kick it.

-Word to your mother.

-Heck, one hit wonders are even
around in the Internet age.

Right, guys?

Do the Harlem shake.

-Oh, please no.

-Next up here
at the grantwood lounge,

baz Paisley.

-Sorry, I don't play
"sex me gently" anymore.

Not on the set list tonight,
folks.

-Yo, Nicky.
Was I as late as that felt

on that last pelvic thrust,
'cause...

-I found out.

-Oh, Chloe, huh.
Who was it?

-Jc chasez.

-Uh! Uh-uh.

Ooh, I would've figured her
for a backstreet girl.

-Nice.

-You okay?

-Yeah. I'm the one
who broke up with her.

-Of course, of course.

You thought things were
moving way too quickly.

-Dude,
she wanted to move in.

-The only reason
you're tripping

about moving in
with each other

is because she's so far
out of your league.

-Oh, thanks.

-You know what I'm saying.

You break her heart first
before she breaks yours.

And the funny thing is

y'all been making
goo-goo eyes at each other

for the last year.

We're all sick of it.

Everybody's waiting on you
to bust a move.

-She just fucked the other guy
from 'nsync.

-I get that,
but she was wasted.

She probably hadn't had
any good dick since you.

-Did you just compliment
my dick?

-I did.

-Thank you.
-You are welcome.

Look, you gotta put
yourself out there, man.

For real.

Oh, crank this.
This is my jam.

You gotta
to pull the trigger.

-No, no, no, no.

-Mwah. Huh?

-Bust a move.

-Old school, old school.

Here we go.

-Five, six,

five, six, seven, eight.

-Could I have
the walkie-talkie back?

-Show 'em how it's done.

-Oh, my god.

-What you got?

-Uh.

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh, uh...

Oh! Whoa!

-Whoa.
-Hey.

-Hey, Nick.
-That was charging.

-Hey, Ron. Hey, man.
-Hey.

-Listen,
i am kind of looking

to take things up a notch
tonight.

You holding anything?

-What do you mean?

-Like oxys, bennies,
zanibars?

-Oh, drugs?
No, no, no, no.

I don't do drugs.

When I want to get high,
i just take in the energy,

the excitement and the talent
of everybody backstage,

including yours, Mickey.

-Fuck you, Ron.
-Have a great show.

-Ladies,
you holding anything? Oxys?

- Hey, Brooke?

You ready to rock?
-Yeah, yeah.

Let's just walk the plank
and get it over with, shall we?

-Wow. Motivational
and inspirational.

- Oh!

-Oh, my god! Brooke?

-It was an accident.
It was an accident.

-Jesus. Brooke,
Brooke, are you okay?

Brooke?
Brooke, can you hear me?

God damn it, Ron,
what the fuck happened?

-I was bringing
the chopstick back, you know,

to do the "turning Japanese"
number.

Somebody called my name
and I turned around.

-Wait. Brooke's dead, too?

-No.
-What happened?

-What? She's not dead.
Just calm down.

Alex, we need the medic
backstage stat.

You got it.

-Aw, fuck, is that blood?

-Oh, no, no.
I actually just dropped

a bucket of fake soy sauce.
-Oh, thank god.

-Yeah, good thing
it wasn't real soy sauce

or we'd be in a very sticky
situation.

-I will choke you.
Do you hear me?

I'll fucking strangle you

until you're
fucking dead, okay?

-Point taken.
-Move. Move.

I'm here.
Hey, Brooke?

Brooke, can you hear me?

Oh. Okay, she's breathing.

-Oh, thank you.
Oh, John 3:16.

-Thank god.

-Follow my finger
with your eyes.

-Oh, boy.

-Just with your eyes,
not your head.

Okay, that's not better.

No, this is clearly--

-oh...

-Okay, she has a concussion,
so let's get her to her room.

-Okay.
-Little help here.

-Sorry. I can't help
in my condition.

-Three days, Monica.
Three days.

-No, no, no.
Come on!

Who's responsible
for this shit?

-It was an accident,
Mr. goldmeyer.

I don't think anyone saw
what happened.

-Oh, really?

Well, I could give
a steaming pile

of fucking tiny dancer's shit
here, you understand?

I want names.

-Then it was me.

-Oh.
-No.

It's okay, Nick.

Uh, it was me.

Hi, Mr. goldmeyer.
Ron Burke, props.

I actually
knocked her unconscious

with a giant chopstick,

'cause I was never good
with chopsticks, you know.

-You're fired.

-What? No. Wait.

Look, I know it's a lot
to take in in the moment.

Maybe we just take a deep,
cleansing breath and just--

-get the fuck
out of my face!

-Totally trust your judgment.
Great call. Bye-bye.

-Who is this
fucking asshole?

Nick, you
and your job exist

so that shit like this
doesn't happen!

-I know.
I'm sorry.

-Well...

Fuck!

We got no choice.
Get the understudy ready.

-But it's opening night.

It's like too risky, right?

-Do I pay you
for your opinion, beaker?

-Beaker?
-Beaker!

He's a muppet with
the fucking hair like yours

and ai-ai-ai-ai!

Just get her changed
and get her through makeup!

The show goes the fuck on!

-Oh, my god, Nick.
Is this really happening?

-It's happening.

-I'm shaking.
-Come on.

We don't have a lot of time,
gangster Mozart.

Brian, Chloe's filling in
for Brooke.

I need her changed
and touched up like yesterday.

-Oh, my god, Nick.
This is so crazy.

You know, I only signed up
to understudy

for the extra pay, right?
-I know.

Well, you know, if you want,
Brandy knows the role.

-What do you mean?
-She could do it.

-I didn't say
that I can't do it.

I can't believe you're bringing
your own insecurities

into this right now.

-My insecurities?

-Whatever. Stage fright.

-That's ridiculous.

I'm just scared--
for you.

-Projecting.

-Brian, could you
shut the fuck up?

-No, he's actually right.

Ever since brasilia closed,

I haven't heard you sing
not once, not even karaoke.

-But that was a choice.

I stopped performing
because I was sick of it.

You want to know the truth?

Musicals suck, okay?

This whole industry
is a joke.

I mean not...Not...

-Wow. Thanks.

-Alex, what's your 20?

Wow, I need you
to get Chloe to her--

to Brooke's mark
five minutes ago.

-You got it.

-Thanks
for the great pep talk.

-You're only a one hit wonder
until your second hit.

-I can't take it anymore!

-Don't fuck it up.

-You've got this, baby girl.

You got this.
-Thanks, babe.

-Go. Go, bitch.

Well, it all comes down
to this.

Goodbye, world.

Goodbye, life.

Whatever that magic was

that allowed me
to write "sex me gently,"

I lost it years ago.

It's not fair
to give a person so much

just to take it away.

It's just not fair.

One hit wonders are trapped
in a jail called the past,

and it's a life sentence.

There's no escape
except this.

Who are you?

Seriously, tell me.

Who are you?

-No. No, no.
No, no, no.

Ai-ai-ai-ai.
Talk. Talk.

Just fucking say words.
Say words.

-I am the ghost
of greatest hits past

and I've come to take you
to a place

called
one hit wonderland.

One hit wonders are all lame
and manufactured,

every single one of them,
especially mine.

-Join me, baz.
You'll see.

-I'm scared.

-There's nothing
to be scared of.

-Okay.

So will you come with me?

-Anywhere.

-Thank you, everybody.
Thank you.

-Hey.
Just wanted to tell you

you did a great job
out there.

-Really?

-Honestly, when I first
saw you come out onstage,

I was like, "holy shit.

Girl's gone
full blown stalker."

But then
you opened your mouth.

Wow.

-Thank you.

-You know,
this changes everything.

-Oh? How so?

Oh, you'll see.

-Hey, you--
you were great out there.

-Thank you.

I think it was
your words of encouragement

that made
all the difference.

-Now what happened?

-I fucked it up
like always.

-Cheer up.

I could tell you
an inspirational story

that might
raise your spirits.

-Okay, what story?

-The one where I power-butt
Brandy's boyfriend.

-Wow. Whisk me away.

-So after the dress rehearsal,
we all go to Joe Allen's.

So it was me, Brandy,
and her fine-ass boyfriend.

-Uh-huh.
-We're bullshitting, right?

And I swear to you
i was feeling a vibe.

-Oh, like a "do me" vibe.

-Total "do me" vibe.
-Right.

-So she goes
to the bathroom.

I slide next to him.
I'm like, yo.

Are we vibing?

Dude looks at me
dead in my face,

grabs my balls, and goes,
"let's light this candle."

-Holy shit.
-He's poetic, too.

-Oh, yeah, well, obviously.

God, I had no idea
he was gay.

-Nick, there's a gay man
in all of us.

-Some of us
a little further than others.

-Exactly.

So, um, she comes back
from the bathroom.

Real sneaky-like he says,

"so are we gonna do this
or what?"

I said, "baby,
i am hard right now."

And my shit was like,
you know what I mean?

-I feel you.
You wrapped up?

-Oh, like
a hanukkah present.

Shalom.
-Word.

-So he's real slick,
says he's sick.

He leaves.
I wait five minutes.

I follow his ass all the way
back to Brandy's apartment.

-You banged Brandy's boyfriend
in her apartment?

-Yes, I did.

She walks in on me tapping
that ass on the bidet.

-On the bidet.
-On the bidet.

Water was flying everywhere.

She came in, slipped--

-wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

The bidet was on?

-Oh, I wouldn't recommend it
at a novice level.

-Nickson, bro. Favor.

-Sure.

-Anal whore!

-Bitch, you better
watch this face.

I'm on Broadway.

-Why are you telling
everybody

that you fucked
my boyfriend?

-You know what? I understand
why you're in denial.

You obviously weren't
fulfilling him sexually,

and I'm a much, much, much,

much, much, much, much...

Much better lover than you.

-I am a fantastic lover.

I am the hottest piece of ass
in musical theater,

and I can get any guy
i want.

-Okay, but not
while I'm around.

-Fine. Fine.
Pick any guy.

I will bet you that I can
get him to do me before you.

- Oh, you're serious.

Okay. Uh...Xavier.

-The new guy?
Isn't he gay?

-Well, early reconnaissance
says he's bi,

single and shaved.

-What is there, some kind of
underground gay intel network?

-All I know is he's bi.

Fair fight.

-Fine. First one
to bang Ricky Martin.

It is on, don Juan.

-You got it, fur burger.

-Ass taxi.

-Dildo diva.

-Butt slut.

-Queef queen.

-Taint tickler.
-Jizz junkie.

-Bitch tits.
-Fuck bucket.

-Turd burglar.

-Twat waffle.

-Pecker wrecker.
-Cum bunny.

-Rundle bundle.
-Gwyneth Paltrow.

-Douche nozzle.
-Cock pocket.

-Grinder goblin.
-Adolph titler.

-Stup--
-hard-on begone.

-Wait a minute.
-Neander-whore.

-Something gay.
-Pancake nipples.

-Fuck you.
They're proportional.

-Hey, man, what's up?
-Intermission.

-Mm-hmm.
-I want you to make sure

that new star finds her way
to my dressing room.

-Oh. Why?

-We should just go over
some stuff in the second act,

go over some steps.

You know how clumsy I can be
with these size 12s.

Um, jc...

Chloe's special.

She's not like all these
other chorus girls, you know.

-Nick.

Look.

One, two, three,

four, five.

-What?

-Okay.
You're not onstage anymore,

so, you know,
there's no need to sing.

- Please don't encourage him.

Blblblblblbl.

-Should we just wrap it up?

No? Okay.

-Oh, Jesus Christ.

-Oh!

- Great.

-So you got it now.

Chloe, my dressing room,
intermission.

-God, I fucking hate
Broadway.

Hey.

How we doing, Brooke?

-Aspirin.

-Alex, we got eyes
on Lee out there?

Negative. Sorry, Nick.

-It's thumping so hard
i want to kill myself.

-Okay. Um...

Oh. Maybe Lee's got something
over here in his bag.

-Oh, look at that.

Just take two of these.

Lean forward.

Okay.

And lean back.

Just--we're gonna kind of
do it together then.

--Great.

-Hey. Sorry. Got caught
watching the show.

You seen Chloe out there?
She's some kind of star.

-Oh. Cool.

Look, Brooke was complaining
about her headache,

so I gave her some of the
aspirin from your jacket.

-My jacket?
-Yeah.

-Nick, those are ecstasy!

-Ecstasy?
-Shh!

-Lee, you're the fucking
stage med.

What are you doing with a bottle
of ecstasy marked aspirin?

-I started clubbing again,
okay?

I got to get back out there.

It's the only way I can
meet interesting women.

-Interesting women?

-Okay, fine, young women.

But what were you doing
going through my jacket?

-Jesus Christ.

-No, no, no, no.
We're fine. We're fine.

Just stay calm.

-You know,
i only gave her two.

-Two? We're fucked!
Brooke!

-Brooke, how you doing?
-Are you doing better?

-Okay, good.
-Good. Okay.

Listen, we're going
to need you to throw up.

-You have to upchuck, okay?
-What?

-Yeah, it'll make you
feel better.

-Just spill.
Pull the trigger.

-I don't do that anymore.

-Okay, Brooke, please?
Can you just--

-no!
-Okay, okay, okay.

Hold her hands.
Here's what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna put my hand--

-oh, no!
What are you doing?

-We're fine.
Brooke, come on.

No, no, I should've
washed my fingers.

You're right. You're right.
Jesus Christ.

-Okay, we just rufied
a Broadway star.

-Uh...
-A former Broadway star.

-Keep going.

-Someone who's been
on Broadway before.

-She's not gonna die,
is she?

-No. No, no. She'll just
experience extreme euphoria,

heightened tactile
sensory perception,

and maybe
some mild hallucinations.

-Wow, when you say it
like that,

you almost sound
like a real doctor.

Nick,
do you have eyes on Lee?

Graham just turned his ankle
coming off stage.

-Okay, we got
a turned ankle out there.

-Look, I'm on it, but
somebody's gotta watch Brooke.

-I'll find someone.

Just try not to drop acid
with Graham.

-Too soon, Nick.

Be professional.

-Ron!
Oh, Ron, Ron, Ron.

Hey, I need you to
look after Brooke for me.

-Mr. goldmeyer fired me.

-Look, if you do this
for me right now,

I promise I'll get you
back on the show.

-Really?
You'd do that for me?

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.

Look, now when she wakes up,

she might be acting a little
funny 'cause of the concussion.

-Sure.
-That's normal.

Just the important thing
to remember is

don't let her out
of the room, okay?

Under no circumstances, Ron,

does Brooke leave this room.

Do you understand?

-You can count on me, Nick.

I will not let you down.

-I really want
to believe that, Ron.

-I want to believe it, too.

-Okay,
here's my walkie-talkie.

Call me if there's
any problem, okay?

- Awesome.

-Nick, Nick, Nick.
I remember.

-I'm in a real hurry.
-I remember.

I remember, I remember,
i remember.

-You remember what?
-Brasilia.

That's the show
i saw you in, yes?

-Yeah.

-I know it closed
opening night,

but I just wanted to tell you
it was really, really great.

You were singing.
You were dancing.

You were doing
your thing, man.

But then I didn't understand
what you were saying so much.

I used to not speak English
good as I do now.

-That's our
best review yet.

-So why you no performing
no more?

-Um...

Look, Xavier,
shouldn't you be warming up?

-It's not too much--
sorry.

Everybody on
standby for jc's quick change.

-Yo, xavy.

-Ow.

-Oop. Sorry.
Did I hurt you just now?

-No, no, it's fine.
It's just my hamstring.

It's a little angry.

-For real?
-Yeah.

-Oh, hamstring.

You know I'm a licensed
physical therapist, don't you?

Nice and easy.

Okay.

So I was thinking

maybe we could get a drink
after the show tonight.

-You mean the cast party?

-Yeah, like a cast party
for two.

-Ooh. Your hand.

-Yeah?

-It's on my taint.

-Oh, that's exactly where
it's supposed to be.

It helps the stretch.

-I don't think
i need more stretch.

-All right, I'll call you later
to finalize those plans.

Don't forget to ice.

- Oh, crash and burn.

No survivors.

-Oh, but look.

They found
the little black box.

What's it say?

That Malcolm survived

because he used his big, black
cock as a flotation device.

Boonk.
-Go fuck yourself.

- Is that me?

-Yep. You're about to lose
your virginity.

-Well, please, can we
just stop the flashback?

-You have such hatred
for one hit wonders,

but there's something here
you must see.

-Why won't you go to prom
with me?

-I'm already going
with Kyle Masterson.

-Aw, come on, meagan.

He won't treat you right.

-Chloe.
-Nick.

-I wanted to say
I'm sorry about earlier.

-You were really trying
to psych me out.

-Look, you were right,
okay?

I was scared.

Maybe because
of my previous experience,

maybe because of the stress
of the night. But...

You've gotta know

I would never deliberately
sabotage you or the show.

-All right.

You know, this isn't
even what I wanted.

-Friends?

-Yeah. Friends.

-Chloe, let's adjust
that top real quick.

-Oh, bazzy,
you're so romantic.

-With all the money
and the fame,

I forgot why I originally
wrote that song.

It was for love.

-Hey, Brooke, how are you?

-Hi.

-Hi. Um, hello.

-Oh, my, that's...
That's--that's nice.

-This?
-Feels so good.

-It's nothing.
-It's like light.

-Good, good, good, good.

Oh, my god.

Whoa. Wow.

-Should--do you want me
to wait outside?

-No, no, no.
I want to feel your shape.

-Okay. My shape?

-Yeah. That's amazing.

-What?
-It's like a perfect orb.

-You know, I don't have
a swimmer's body, but--

-swimming, yeah.
I want some water.

Can I have some water?

-Yes, good idea, actually,
you know.

A little bit of water here.
You just...

-Oh, that's nice.
That's nice.

-Oh, no, no, no.
You get it--

-like a gently flowing stream,
like a babbling brook.

Like a babbling brook.

That's my name.

Like Brooke, like my name.
-Yeah.

-Come on, let's--

-I'm feeling
a little scared.

-Oh, my gosh.

-What are you doing?

-I got to float.
Will you float with me, Ron?

-Sure. Okay, yeah.

I don't know if I'm following
the whole thing.

-Have you ever done
the butterfly?

It's a really hard stroke.

-Nick, I think
we got a problem.

-What is this?
This is a little bit much.

-Just keep that on.
Keep that on.

No, no, no, no, no.

-Let's go.
-Okay, Brooke, I'm sorry.

Shit!

Nick, Nick!
Come in. Come in.

-What's wrong?
-Uh, okay.

Um...Brooke is gone.

-What happened?
-Check this out.

She strips down to her bra
and panties, right?

She's trying to seduce me.

-We don't have time
for this.

We need to find her.
Alex, what's--

Jesus Christ.

Brooke's missing.
Find Lee.

Start looking.

You check wardrobe
and crafty.

He checks bathrooms
and dressing rooms.

Ron, you're on everything else.
Let's do it. Brooke!

Nick, I'm going
to check the lobby out here.

-Have you seen Brooke?
-No.

-Is Brooke missing?

-Just remain calm for once.

-I'm an emotional person.
It's who I am.

-Hey, buddy.

Little bird said there was some
ecstasy floating around here.

-Not now, Mickey.

Brooke!

Move. Move, move, move.

Anything?
-No, no sign of her.

-No one's seen her.
-I got nothing.

-Shit.
Where haven't we checked?

-Oh, outside.

-Right now, that would be
our best case scenario.

The pit.

-Brooke is in the elevator.
I'm going to miss my cue.

-Brooke.

Brooke, please.
You got to get out of there.

Come on. Come on.

-It feels so good.

-You're rolling on ecstasy.

-I feel like I'm 25 again.

I'm about to go out onstage
for the very first time.

I remember that feeling.

Optimism.

Optimism.

Your whole career
ahead of you,

like an arrow
shooting straight up.

Do you remember
that feeling?

-I do.

But I also remember
the feeling

that comes
right after that, Brooke.

A giant fucking arrow
pointing straight down.

Brooke.
Come on, come on.

-What are you doing?

What are you doing?

-Fuck.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Brooke, hit the button.
Hit the button.

Hit it!

-You're stealing
my thunder!

-Um...

Uh...

Can you just--
thank you.

Fuck!

Man; Oh!

-Ghost, uh...

What the hell was that?

-Uh, there's always
a few glitches

while traveling
through flashbacks.

Totally normal.

Back to the music, shall we?

-Come on.

-Nick, are you okay?
What the hell was that?

-That was Brooke. She's--

Brooke is gonna
ruin the show.

-What the dick was that?

-Brooke was--
we--we--we gave--

--i was going--

-what, were you having
a stroke?

What, are you trying to reclaim
your 15 minutes of fame?

-You are trying
to sabotage the show.

-Sabotage? No, I was
trying to save the show.

-You're just lucky
Nick lachey

is quick on his feet
with the improv out there.

And you, you, young lady,
are a goddamn star.

-Thank you, sir.
-One more fuckup out of you

and you're going to be
stage managing shows

down in Tijuana
where donkeys fuck humans.

Donkeys penetrating
human beings.

You coordinating
the whole thing.

Great job, everybody!
Keep up the good work!

That's what
I'm talking about!

-That's 15 minutes
for intermission, everybody.

-What's wrong with you,
Nick?

-What's wrong with me?

-You broke up with me,
you know,

and I've been
totally cool about it,

completely cool about it.

Then you psych me out
before I go onstage, now this.

-Okay. I'm so sorry
that I'm ruining--

-i don't have time
for your bullshit.

I've got to go to jc's room
to rehearse.

-Oh, yeah.
Go rehearse with jc.

We all know what that means.

Just make sure
he doesn't rehearse

all over that new costume
of yours.

-You're an asshole.

-Fuck.

All right, everybody.

That's 15 minutes
for intermission.

-Xavier.

Xavier, hey.

Can you come and help me
with this quick change?

-Is Brian available?

-No, Brian no available.

Thank you so much.

I just always have
so much trouble

with this quick change,

so I'm just going
to take that off.

If you could help me
with that.

-Are you stuck?

-No, no.
No, I'm not stuck.

You know what? Can you just
undo my bra for me please?

Oh, wow, you are so quick
on the trigger.

-De nada.
-Okay, no, no, no.

No, where are you going?

-I need to practice my next
steps because I so new.

-No, no, you're not
going anywhere

until you tell me
what you think.

-Of what?
-Of these big old titties.

-What are you doing? This is--
-oh, god, I'm so hot, right?

It's like raw,
sexual tension just--

-whoa,
I'm feeling something.

-Yeah, I feel it, too.
I feel it, too, baby.

-No, I think I feel
how you say a...Lump.

-A lump? A lump of what?

-Yeah, like maybe
a cancer lump or something

here on your left boobie.

-What? Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

Oh, I've never felt that
before.

-Probably it's nothing.

But it's also probably
very serious.

You should get this
checked out.

-Hey, man,
is Chloe in there?

-Yeah, but she
might be a while.

You know they hooked up
last night, right?

-I think that was just
kind of a one-time thing.

-I don't know, man.
Jc's always been a pimp.

I hear he got to all the girls
on the Mickey mouse club first.

Britney, Christina,
keri Russell,

Ryan gosling's mom.

-Hey, Nicky.
What's up, guy?

-Hey. I just wanted to
check in on your act two cues.

There's that one that you kept
missing in rehearsal.

-Yes, before
"come, baby, come."

I got it now.

Thanks for the heads up.

-Sure.

-Anything else?

-I guess not.

-All right then.

Bye-bye-bye.

Bye-bye!

-Nicky.

-What are you doing with--

what is that, duct tape,
industrial lubricant?

Is that a 12 pack
of scented plug-ins?

-Just being inventive,
man, you know.

Desperate times.

10 minutes
left in intermission, everyone.

10 minutes. Enjoy.

I'm such a cornball.

-Hey, what's so funny?

- Oh, it's funny.

Oh, god, you're serious.

Oh. You mean this actually
works for you?

-This works
100% of the time.

-I'm--I'm really sorry,

because it's just not--
not doing it for me.

-Because you have no soul

and you don't like
awesome, awesome music?

- No.

No, really.
I appreciate the gesture,

but this is just
not my thing, you know.

-Your thing.

Enlighten me.

-Really?

Okay, well, first of all,
any one

of like the million girls
that you ever sung that to

only went for it
because you're jc chasez.

That's it.

Second, will you look
at this room?

We're like sitting
in a shrine to you.

Your whole thing is just like,
such a smokescreen.

-Okay.

Thank you for the life lessons,
chorus girl.

-I'm sorry.
Jc, listen, I get it.

Rejection is hard...
For everyone.

But if I may please tell you

that if you ever want
a real relationship

with anybody
that's worthwhile,

you're gonna have
to cut the bullshit.

-Yeah, I do want that.

-Then you gotta be willing
to be vulnerable.

You have to be willing

to fall like flat on your face
sometimes, you know.

You have to like strike out.

-I gotta strike out more.

-Please.

-You mean like serenading you

like a douchebag.

- Yes.

Let's call that one
strike one.

-Deal. Or, oh,
this beautiful thing here.

-Mm-hmm. That's definitely
strike two.

-Perfect. Okay.
I'm swinging hard, huh?

How about I'm coming
right down the middle.

-Okay.

-I'm the other guy
from 'nsync.

Nobody cares anymore,

so I bullshit, because...

That's what bullshitters do.

Never gonna get
what I really want.

I'm never gonna get
someone amazing like you.

Strike three, I know.

-No.

No.

No, that was actually
a base hit.

-You should go first.

Hang on. Hey.

-Hey.

-What's, uh,
going on in there?

-Nothing. We just had
a really nice conversation.

-Oh, okay.
Did he tell you

that god must've spent
a little more time on you?

-No, he invited me to the
Hamptons with him, though.

-What?
-Yeah.

-What did you say?

-I told him that
i would think about it.

-Seriously?

-Yeah.

You know, he really
opened up to me.

Just really nice
when a man has the balls

to put himself out there.

-Oh, okay.
-Mm-hmm.

-What's that
supposed to mean?

-Look, is there something that
you want to say to me, Nick?

I didn't think so.

-No. Nope.

No.

-Hey, rim job.

Any late breaking
developments?

-Let me think.
Oh, there's a rumor going around

that you got titty cancer.

-It's a benign
fibrocystic mass.

Anyway, I was just coming
in here to offer my condolences.

-Condolences for what?

-Losing the contest.

See, I'm about
to take Xavier down,

and I am pulling out
all the stops.

-Well, I would love
to see you in action.

-Genie gonna Grant your wish,
motherfucker.

- Oh.

-Hey, Xavier.

Hit it, bitches.

-Oh, you're gonna want
to sit down for this.

But you, you're special.

-Ooh, did you like that?

Do it now.

-Getting horny now.

-Okay, miss Teddy,
let's do this.

-Buckle up, beeyotch.
Ready, ladies?

-Whoo!

Come on, come on.

-You like how that tastes?

-Well,
who's it gonna be, guy?

-I don't know what to say.

-Do the right thing
and pick me.

-Do the wrong thing
and pick me.

It's much hotter.

-I must admit,
at first I was like

creeped out by you guys,
like a lot.

-Well, thank you.

-But now with the singing
and the dancing,

I mean, that was
really, really nice.

Do I have to choose
right now here?

-Yes, you have to choose
right now, right here.

-Okay, well,
you both were amazing,

but I think in the end
i must choose...

Malcolm.

-Fuck! Why?

Why him and not me?

-You're too mean and pushy.

-Don't worry. We'll video it
and you can watch.

-Aw.
-Brandy.

Brandy, come back.
-What are you guys doing?

We're back in 30 seconds.
Get in costume.

Places, places everybody.

Power up the smoke machine.

Start bringing down
the house lights.

-Mickey, what are you doing?
Get to the pit.

-Okay.

Let's get turned up.

-"Here lies baz Paisley.

He only had one hit."

I knew it.

-But it is that very fear

that is making this
your destiny.

-What do you mean?

-You're so frightened
you may never have another hit,

it actually stopped you
from writing one.

You see, sometimes when
we want something so bad,

we push it away

because
we can't stand the thought

of reaching for it
and failing.

-What's happening?

-Our time together
is over, baz.

-You can't leave.
I need you.

-Remember, one hit wonders
are trapped in the past.

But the future,

the future
is yet to be written.

- No.

That's a wrap

on the ghost
of greatest hits past.

10 minutes to curtain call.

-My costume
fits you nicely.

-Oh, Brooke, hi.

How are you feeling?

-Like there's a black hole
in my brain

and it keeps expanding.

-So it's true?

-Yeah, Nick club-drugged me

and now I'm trapped
in a room with a babysitter.

-Yeah, just keeping the vibe
kind of mellow, jazzy.

-God, it's like
he's trying to make this night

a complete disaster,
you know.

-Well, I hope you're
enjoying the spotlight.

-Come on, you'll be
in this costume tomorrow.

-Don't patronize me.

I used to be
an ing�nue once.

Now look at your future.

-I just think
you're just having a bad night.

-Try a bad decade.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, "I'm never
gonna end up like Brooke treme."

-No.

-You will
one day eventually.

The tide rolls in.

You're all washed up.

I hope you enjoyed tonight,
brown eyes.

'Cause tonight's the best
it's gonna get.

-Hey! Are you working
for the electrical crew now?

-Huh?

-Well, every time
you go out there,

you light up the stage.

Oh, hey, by the way,

I hope you enjoyed the view
in that dressing room,

'cause tomorrow night,
that's gonna be yours.

-You're firing Brooke?

-Well, I prefer to call it
shit-canning, but, yeah.

We're putting that cow
out to pasture,

and I did say cow.

We're having steak tonight!

What, come to wag your
shit-covered dick in my face?

Look, I get it.
I lost everything.

-You didn't lose
everything.

-I lost the competition,

I lost my kind of boyfriend,

and I definitely lost
whatever it was

that made men attracted to me
in the first place.

I have to tell you
something.

-What?

-Xavier's gay.

-You said he was bi.

-Like really gay.

Like Nathan Lane...

Fellating
Neal Patrick Harris...

At the Tony's gay.

-Is that true?
-Totally.

-I feel really bad
about how hard I was on you,

so I'd like
to make it up to you.

I'd like for you to join
Xavier and me

in a threesome.

-You don't mean that.
-No, I mean it. I do.

-Really?

-It's the mature thing
to do.

-And you think
that I'm hot enough?

-Let's ask a straight guy.

Brian?

-Yo, what's happening?

-Area code this bitch.

-Feeling generous.

617.

-I'll take it.
-You'll take it?

-Mm-hmm.

-All right.

-So that's it.

You're actually
going away with him?

-I'm not.

I'm quitting the show.

-What?

-I'm leaving New York
for good.

-Wait. You're...
You're quitting everything?

-This night was supposed to be
the most important night for me

and I just...

I just saw where things
were headed.

Do you want to know
when I was the happiest?

Back when I was a chorus girl
and we were together

and it was just
the two of us

eating shitty late-night pizza
after the show

and just going to karaoke
with Malcolm.

That was enough for me,

but I guess
that wasn't enough for you.

-No, it was.

-Why'd you end it?

-I just--i thought that...

Maybe we were moving
a little--

-moving fast?

Nick, I wanted to move in
after four years together.

You got stage fright.

But I get it.
That's your thing.

You know what?

I'm gonna do you a favor

and I'll be the one
to put myself out there.

I still love you.

-You want me to say
i love you?

I mean, I do.

-You just...

You know...

You only get
what you give.

-Am I supposed to sing
back to you or something?

I don't--

-Nick, I promise you.

I promise that if you open up,
you won't get hurt, okay?

-I just...

I--i don't know what you want.

-No, you don't.

I guess you never will.

I gotta go say goodbye
to everybody.

-Wait. You're not even
going to stay

for your curtain call?

Chloe, this is your shot.

You're just going
to throw it away?

-I learned from the best.

Nick, where are you?

Nick, what's your 20?

Not a great time
for a coffee break. Nick?

Alex,
one of the lighting cables

for the closing number
is out.

-Okay, boss.

-Is it true Chloe's
quitting the show?

-Alex,
i sweat through again.

My nips are showing.

I can't go onstage like this.
My dad's in the front row.

-Guys, stress like this
can cause premature labor.

-Okay.

Everybody,
calm the fuck down!

Eric, life is dramatic.

So do what everybody else does
and pop a Xanax, huh?

Brian, Debbie needs
a costume switch stat.

And Monica,
i vote republican,

but I will personally abort
your would-be baby

if it means you'll stop talking
about it every five seconds!

Well? Go!

-Come on.

-Yo.

You know they're looking
for you in there, right?

-Chloe's quitting the show.

-Wait, what?

-She's quitting
because of me.

-Well, go get her.

-I tried.
It's too late.

-So what,
that's--that's it?

-Did you know
this show's about me?

A loser who had one shot
and blew it.

-Ahh. Not brazilia again.

Baby, you got to get over
that shit.

-How? Everything
that's wrong in my life

can be traced back
to that one night.

-Do you know how many shows
close opening night?

I know.
I've been there.

Yes, it knocks you down,

but you got to get your ass
back up and get to steppin'.

-No, Malcolm.
That was my shot.

-Take another shot.

You're only a one hit wonder
until your next hit, right?

-I'd fuck it up.

That's what I do.

I--i fuck everything up!

-Yes, okay?

You fucked up
way worse than--

you fucked up so much,

ain't nothing left
to fuck up.

I'm so sick of you, man.

I'm sick of you always
feeling sorry for yourself.

I'm sick of you never
wanting to take chances.

It's a--ha.

I was going to say it's
a shitty way to live life,

but you don't really
live life, do you?

You a punk, man.

Fucking punk.

Nick, Mr.
goldmeyer's pretty pissed off.

Goddammit, Nick!

Where the fuck are you--

-whoa! Where the fuck
are you going?

-You got it.

-You! Yeah!

I can't do that.

-What'd you think?

-A little pitchy.

-Well, yeah,
I'm out of practice.

-That's my man.

-One, two,

one, two, three.

Come on, bitches!

-Fuck you!

-I'm okay.

-I'm liking it.

-Mammy's looking down on me
from space.

-You mean heaven?

-I mean space.
-Oh, shit.

-Oh, my god.

That was amazing.

-That's the best review
I've had in years.

Ready for the encore?

-Wow. You guys are amazing.

I mean, a pleasure to watch.

-He grabs my balls and he says

-the understudy?

-I'm sorry.

I forgot you have
a learning disability.

Let me help you out.

-I can't do it.
I'm sorry.

-I'm never like this.
I swear to god.

-How are you feeling?

-Like there's a black hole
in my brain

that sounds like a phone.

-Nobody respects you
because you wear your headset

like a fucking tiara.

-I don't even have
my headset on.

- Oh!

That's all, man.

-Nice.

-I want to sex you...

But I want
to sex you gently.

Saxophone!