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1
00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:02,850
Kinda lonesome back here.
2
00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:04,348
Yeah, little help.
3
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:10,146
Okay, just, I have to keep my hands
on the wheel.
4
00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:12,979
Excuse me.
5
00:03:14,653 --> 00:03:15,953
Dopinder.
6
00:03:15,988 --> 00:03:17,988
Pool. Dead.
7
00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:20,618
Nice.
8
00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:22,905
Smells good, no?
9
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,833
Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl.
10
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:28,379
Yes. Gita. She is quite lovely.
11
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:32,496
She would have made me
a very agreeable wife.
12
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:36,840
But, Gita's heart has been stolen
by my cousin Bandhu.
13
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:40,854
He is as dishonorable
as he is attractive.
14
00:03:42,014 --> 00:03:45,854
Dopinder, I'm starting to think
there's a reason I'm in this cab today.
15
00:03:46,185 --> 00:03:47,645
Yeah, sir, you called for it, remember?
16
00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:52,516
No, my slender brown friend.
Love is a beautiful thing.
17
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:55,356
When you find it, the whole world
tastes like Daffodil Daydream.
18
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,360
So you gotta hold onto love...
19
00:03:58,697 --> 00:04:00,157
tight!
20
00:04:00,199 --> 00:04:03,159
And never let go.
Don't make the same mistakes I did.
21
00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:04,452
-Got it?
-Yeah.
22
00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:08,004
Or else the whole world tastes
like Mama June after hot yoga.
23
00:04:08,540 --> 00:04:10,880
Sir, what does Miss Mama June
taste like?
24
00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:13,878
-Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss.
-Okay, enough.
25
00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:16,841
I can go all day, Dopinder.
The point is, it's bad!
26
00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:18,592
It's bad.
27
00:04:19,176 --> 00:04:21,846
Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?
28
00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:23,847
That's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder.
29
00:04:23,889 --> 00:04:26,389
And I'm after someone on my naughty list.
30
00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:28,023
I've been waiting one year, three weeks...
31
00:04:28,060 --> 00:04:30,020
six days and...
32
00:04:30,062 --> 00:04:32,402
14 minutes to make him fix
what he did to me.
33
00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:36,364
And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?
34
00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:37,741
This shit...
35
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:39,949
Boo!
36
00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:01,974
They won't disappoint.
37
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,426
They'd better not.
38
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:06,891
And what about next month's shipment?
39
00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:08,682
There won't be one.
40
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:10,265
You're not the only one
with a war to win.
41
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:12,898
That won't do.
42
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:19,736
See, we've had this small disruption
to our supply chain...
43
00:05:23,574 --> 00:05:25,784
We'd appreciate your patience.
44
00:05:28,287 --> 00:05:29,287
Okay.
45
00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:32,288
We'll deliver in full the following month.
46
00:05:35,794 --> 00:05:36,844
Pleasure doing business with you.
47
00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:42,509
Fucking mutant.
48
00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,099
Ah, shit!
49
00:05:54,146 --> 00:05:55,516
I forgot my ammo bag.
50
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:58,106
-Shall we turn back?
-No, no time.
51
00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,105
Fuck it. I got this.
52
00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:03,492
9, 10, 11, 12 bullets, or bust.
53
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:04,240
Right here!
54
00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:09,123
That's $27.50.
55
00:06:09,161 --> 00:06:10,871
I never carry a wallet when I'm working.
56
00:06:10,913 --> 00:06:12,333
Ruins the lines of my suit.
57
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,250
But, how about a crisp high five?
58
00:06:15,626 --> 00:06:16,456
Okay.
59
00:06:16,502 --> 00:06:17,752
Merry Christmas.
60
00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:22,087
And a convivial Tuesday in April
to you too, Pool!
61
00:06:25,719 --> 00:06:30,599
Shoop shooop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop
62
00:06:30,641 --> 00:06:32,641
You're packed and you're stacked
'specially in the back
63
00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:35,444
Brother, wanna thank your mother
for a butt like that
64
00:06:35,479 --> 00:06:37,899
Can I get some fries
with that shake-shake boobie?
65
00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:40,150
If looks could kill you would be an uzi
66
00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:41,652
You're a shotgun - bang!
67
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:46,743
Oh, hello. I know, right?
68
00:06:46,782 --> 00:06:50,492
Whose balls did I have to fondle
to get my very own movie?
69
00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:54,116
I can't tell you,
but it does rhyme with "Polverine."
70
00:06:54,373 --> 00:06:59,923
And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair
of smooth criminals down under.
71
00:06:59,962 --> 00:07:04,172
Anyway, I got places to be,
a face to fix and...
72
00:07:04,216 --> 00:07:06,886
Bad guys to kill.
73
00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:13,557
Maximum effort.
74
00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:24,399
Cock shot.
75
00:07:32,202 --> 00:07:34,292
Rich Corinthian leather.
76
00:07:36,248 --> 00:07:38,078
I'm looking for Francis!
77
00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:39,915
Have you seen this man?
78
00:07:50,262 --> 00:07:51,182
Yanky, yanky!
79
00:08:23,879 --> 00:08:26,169
I've never said this, but don't swallow.
80
00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,028
Shit.
81
00:08:49,655 --> 00:08:51,665
Did I leave the stove on?
82
00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:10,514
Now, breaking news.
83
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:14,434
A multi-car collision turned shots fired
on the crosstown expressway this morning.
84
00:09:14,847 --> 00:09:16,717
Gridlock has kept police from the scene.
85
00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:19,682
Residents are advised to remain in their homes.
86
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:22,806
The assailant appears to be armed,
dangerous, and wearing...
87
00:09:22,855 --> 00:09:24,275
-a red suit.
-A red suit.
88
00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:26,190
Deadpool.
89
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:28,943
Negasonic! Come, we have mission.
90
00:09:29,862 --> 00:09:32,322
Colossus, wait up.
91
00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:35,744
I've given Deadpool every chance to join us...
92
00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:37,994
but he'd rather act like a child.
93
00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:40,536
A heavily-armed child.
94
00:09:40,581 --> 00:09:44,331
When will he grow up
and see benefits of becoming X-Man?
95
00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:46,206
Which benefits? The matching unitards?
96
00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:48,425
The house that blows up every few years?
97
00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:49,513
Please.
98
00:09:49,548 --> 00:09:51,878
House blowing up builds character.
99
00:09:52,384 --> 00:09:54,264
You ate breakfast, yes?
100
00:09:54,303 --> 00:09:56,553
Breakfast is most important meal of day.
101
00:09:57,472 --> 00:10:01,772
Here, protein bar. Good for bones.
102
00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:04,150
Deadpool may try to break yours.
103
00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:13,951
Get out of the way!
104
00:10:31,507 --> 00:10:32,967
Hey!
105
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,444
Wait!
106
00:10:45,771 --> 00:10:47,901
You may be wondering,
"Why the red suit?"
107
00:10:47,940 --> 00:10:49,860
Well, that's so bad guys
can't see me bleed.
108
00:10:50,901 --> 00:10:52,111
This guy's got the right idea.
109
00:10:52,444 --> 00:10:53,784
He wore the brown pants.
110
00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:57,909
Fine! I only have 12 bullets...
111
00:10:57,950 --> 00:10:59,620
so you're gonna have to share!
112
00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:01,450
Let's count them down.
113
00:11:20,806 --> 00:11:21,926
Shit.
114
00:11:24,977 --> 00:11:26,687
Motherfucker!
115
00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:29,110
10! Shit!
116
00:11:29,773 --> 00:11:30,693
Nine. Fuck.
117
00:11:31,149 --> 00:11:31,779
Eight.
118
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:33,319
Shit-fuck!
119
00:11:37,114 --> 00:11:38,324
Bad Deadpool.
120
00:11:39,783 --> 00:11:41,953
Seven. Good Deadpool.
121
00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,734
Someone's not counting. Six.
122
00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:34,547
Four.
123
00:12:36,882 --> 00:12:37,922
Gotcha.
124
00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:40,926
Right up Main Street.
125
00:12:45,015 --> 00:12:46,135
Three, two!
126
00:12:46,183 --> 00:12:48,063
Stupid! Worth it.
127
00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:16,379
I'm touching myself tonight.
128
00:13:17,214 --> 00:13:18,304
Francis!
129
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:19,915
Francis...
130
00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:24,177
What the shit-biscuit!
131
00:13:24,221 --> 00:13:25,931
Where you at, Francis?
132
00:13:34,857 --> 00:13:35,897
You're not Francis.
133
00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:46,369
Really? Rolling up the sleeves?
134
00:13:56,753 --> 00:14:00,053
You're probably thinking,
"My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie...
135
00:14:00,090 --> 00:14:03,890
"but that guy in the red suit just turned
that other guy into a fucking kabab!"
136
00:14:04,136 --> 00:14:08,466
Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero.
137
00:14:08,807 --> 00:14:11,017
And, yeah, technically, this is a murder.
138
00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:13,349
But some of the best love stories
start with a murder.
139
00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:16,435
And that's exactly what this is.
A love story.
140
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:17,901
And to tell it right...
141
00:14:17,941 --> 00:14:22,741
I gotta take you back to long before
I squeezed this ass into red spandex.
142
00:14:23,822 --> 00:14:28,792
Look, would it help if I slow it down for you?
I didn't order the pizza.
143
00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:32,617
Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive?
Are you Mr. Merchant?
144
00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:35,794
Yeah, the Mr. Merchant
who didn't order the fucking pie!
145
00:14:36,168 --> 00:14:37,288
Then who placed the call?
146
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,170
I did!
147
00:14:41,507 --> 00:14:42,917
Pineapple and olive?
148
00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:46,387
Sweet and salty.
149
00:14:46,428 --> 00:14:49,558
The fuck are you?
The fuck you doing in my crib...
150
00:14:49,598 --> 00:14:50,518
Is it burnt crust?
151
00:14:50,849 --> 00:14:52,139
God, I hope not.
152
00:14:52,768 --> 00:14:54,638
Man, look, if this is
about that poker game.
153
00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:56,976
I told Howie, I told him that...
154
00:14:57,022 --> 00:15:00,982
Okay, look, just take whatever you want.
155
00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:02,106
Thanks.
156
00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:05,658
Sir, before you do anything to him,
do you mind if I get a big tip?
157
00:15:07,199 --> 00:15:09,079
Jeremy, is it?
158
00:15:09,117 --> 00:15:10,537
Wade. Wade Wilson.
159
00:15:11,662 --> 00:15:14,662
That is a no go on the tiperoo, Jer.
160
00:15:14,706 --> 00:15:16,166
I'm not here for him.
161
00:15:16,542 --> 00:15:18,132
I'm here for you.
162
00:15:19,670 --> 00:15:21,670
Okay, wow, dodged a big-time
bullet on that one.
163
00:15:21,713 --> 00:15:23,633
Not out of the woods yet.
164
00:15:24,216 --> 00:15:26,586
You need to seriously ease up
on the bedazzling.
165
00:15:26,635 --> 00:15:28,605
They're jeans, not a chandelier.
166
00:15:28,637 --> 00:15:30,927
P.S. I'm keeping your wallet.
You did kinda give it to me.
167
00:15:30,973 --> 00:15:32,773
Okay, just look, man,
can I have my Sam's card...
168
00:15:32,808 --> 00:15:35,058
I will shoot your fucking cat!
169
00:15:35,894 --> 00:15:38,314
I don't really know what that means.
I don't have a cat.
170
00:15:38,647 --> 00:15:40,397
Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in?
171
00:15:44,528 --> 00:15:46,698
Anyhoo, tell me something...
172
00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:50,488
what situation isn't improved by pizza?
173
00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:52,874
Do you happen to know a Meghan Orflosky?
174
00:15:52,911 --> 00:15:54,541
Getting that right? Orflosky?
175
00:15:54,580 --> 00:15:56,870
Orlovsky? Yeah? Good.
176
00:15:58,083 --> 00:15:59,383
Because she knows you.
177
00:15:59,418 --> 00:16:03,878
Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys
who take a dime to beat a fella down.
178
00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:06,842
And little Meghan, she's not made of money,
but lucky for her...
179
00:16:06,884 --> 00:16:08,184
I got a soft spot.
180
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,720
-But I'm a...
-A stalker.
181
00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:12,810
Threats hurt, Jer.
182
00:16:12,848 --> 00:16:16,308
Though not nearly as badly
as serrated steel.
183
00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:19,561
So keep away from Meghan.
184
00:16:19,605 --> 00:16:20,525
Cool?
185
00:16:20,564 --> 00:16:21,824
Yes, sir.
186
00:16:21,857 --> 00:16:22,607
Then we're done.
187
00:16:23,108 --> 00:16:25,238
Wait. We are?
188
00:16:25,277 --> 00:16:26,947
Yeah. We're totally done.
189
00:16:27,613 --> 00:16:29,073
You should’ve seen your face.
190
00:16:29,114 --> 00:16:30,414
I didn't know what to do.
I was so scared.
191
00:16:30,699 --> 00:16:31,779
Soft spot, remember?
192
00:16:33,285 --> 00:16:35,375
You even look
in her general direction again...
193
00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:39,122
and you will learn in the worst of ways
that I have some hard spots too.
194
00:16:41,126 --> 00:16:42,456
That came out wrong.
195
00:16:43,629 --> 00:16:44,799
Or did it?
196
00:16:58,101 --> 00:16:58,981
Meghan?
197
00:17:02,147 --> 00:17:03,647
You've heard the last of Jeremy.
He's sorry.
198
00:17:04,483 --> 00:17:06,323
No friggin' way.
199
00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:13,776
Should've brought my roller blades.
Show these kids how it's done.
200
00:17:14,076 --> 00:17:17,366
And that's why we do it.
But mostly the money.
201
00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:19,292
Hey, think you could fuck up
my step-dad?
202
00:17:19,331 --> 00:17:22,001
I give a guy a pavement facial,
it's because he's earned it.
203
00:17:22,668 --> 00:17:23,958
Hey, wait!
204
00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:26,757
You're my hero.
205
00:17:26,797 --> 00:17:29,297
No-no-no-no. That I ain't!
206
00:17:31,176 --> 00:17:33,466
Nope. Never will be.
207
00:17:34,096 --> 00:17:35,346
Fuck you, Wade.
208
00:17:35,681 --> 00:17:39,181
I'm just a bad guy
who gets paid to fuck up worse guys.
209
00:17:40,644 --> 00:17:42,234
Welcome to Sister Margaret's.
210
00:17:42,521 --> 00:17:44,611
It's like a job fair for mercenaries.
211
00:17:45,274 --> 00:17:47,324
Think of us as really
fucked up tooth fairies...
212
00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:50,069
except we knock out the teeth
and take the cash.
213
00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:53,162
You'd best hope we never see
your name on a gold card.
214
00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:55,028
Buck! Liefeld...
215
00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:56,327
Hey, Wade!
216
00:17:56,702 --> 00:17:59,332
Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful.
What can I do for you?
217
00:17:59,872 --> 00:18:01,122
I'd love a Blow Job.
218
00:18:01,373 --> 00:18:02,673
Oh, God, me too.
219
00:18:02,708 --> 00:18:04,708
The drink, moose knuckle. But first...
220
00:18:06,378 --> 00:18:08,418
Hey, and I ain't taking
any babysitting money, all right?
221
00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:10,303
Make sure that gets back to Ms...
222
00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:11,340
Orlovsky.
223
00:18:11,383 --> 00:18:12,343
Yeah, her.
224
00:18:12,384 --> 00:18:13,644
You sure?
225
00:18:13,886 --> 00:18:16,346
You know, for a merc,
you're pretty warm-blooded.
226
00:18:16,388 --> 00:18:18,308
I bet you let the kid off easy, too.
227
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,268
He's not a bad kid, Weas.
228
00:18:20,309 --> 00:18:21,689
Just a little light stalking.
229
00:18:21,727 --> 00:18:23,187
I was way worse than him
when I was his age.
230
00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:25,148
I was traveling to exotic places...
231
00:18:25,189 --> 00:18:29,189
Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville,
meeting new and exciting people. And then...
232
00:18:29,651 --> 00:18:31,531
Killing them.
Yeah, I've seen your Instagram.
233
00:18:31,904 --> 00:18:34,284
So what was Special Forces
doing in Jacksonville, anyway?
234
00:18:34,323 --> 00:18:35,873
That's classified.
235
00:18:35,908 --> 00:18:38,198
They have a wonderful TGI Fridays.
236
00:18:38,243 --> 00:18:40,543
All right, Kahlua, Baileys and...
237
00:18:40,579 --> 00:18:41,869
whipped cream.
238
00:18:41,914 --> 00:18:44,004
I give you a Blow Job.
239
00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,879
Why do you make me make that?
240
00:18:45,918 --> 00:18:47,708
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...
241
00:18:47,753 --> 00:18:51,213
Take that over to Buck, please,
and tell him it's from Boothe. Little foreplay.
242
00:18:51,256 --> 00:18:53,546
Remind me what good will come of this?
243
00:18:53,592 --> 00:18:55,642
I don't take the shits.
I just disturb them.
244
00:18:55,677 --> 00:18:56,217
Boothe!
245
00:18:57,054 --> 00:18:58,224
-Easy, man.
-Hold up! Hold up!
246
00:18:58,263 --> 00:18:59,263
What you want?
247
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:04,390
-Cheers. To your health.
-Fuck you.
248
00:19:04,895 --> 00:19:07,065
Come here, you fat fuck!
249
00:19:07,105 --> 00:19:08,565
That's a new stool.
250
00:19:13,445 --> 00:19:14,895
Stay the fuck down.
251
00:19:17,574 --> 00:19:19,244
Whoa! Took his ass out!
252
00:19:19,284 --> 00:19:21,204
All right, move. Move, move, move.
253
00:19:21,245 --> 00:19:22,295
Buck, go rest.
254
00:19:23,622 --> 00:19:24,912
Boothe got hit then went down.
255
00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:31,380
Yeah, he's still breathing.
256
00:19:34,049 --> 00:19:35,589
Nobody wins today.
257
00:19:35,634 --> 00:19:37,264
Nice try, Wade.
258
00:19:37,302 --> 00:19:40,932
You got me. I picked Boothe
in the dead pool. Who did you pick?
259
00:19:40,973 --> 00:19:42,933
Yeah, Wade, about that...
260
00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:44,233
No.
261
00:19:44,643 --> 00:19:46,483
You did not bet on me to die.
262
00:19:48,856 --> 00:19:52,896
You bet on me to die. Wow.
Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend.
263
00:19:53,318 --> 00:19:55,608
Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102.
264
00:19:55,654 --> 00:19:57,914
And then dying.
Like the city of Detroit.
265
00:19:57,948 --> 00:20:00,778
I'm sorry. I just...
I wanted to win money.
266
00:20:00,826 --> 00:20:02,116
I never win anything.
267
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:03,290
Whatever.
268
00:20:03,328 --> 00:20:04,908
Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me!
269
00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:09,252
Domestic, nothing imported.
270
00:20:13,297 --> 00:20:17,177
Baby, are you sure you wanna
shoot your whole wad?
271
00:20:19,469 --> 00:20:20,469
Tight.
272
00:20:22,139 --> 00:20:24,099
-Vanessa.
-Wade.
273
00:20:24,433 --> 00:20:26,603
What's a nice place like you
doing in a girl like this?
274
00:20:27,978 --> 00:20:29,228
I'd hit that.
275
00:20:30,522 --> 00:20:32,322
Buck, you best apologize before...
276
00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:34,856
Yeah, that.
277
00:20:34,902 --> 00:20:36,572
Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf.
278
00:20:36,612 --> 00:20:38,492
-I'm sorry.
-Breathe through the nose.
279
00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:40,700
I don't have a filter
between my brain and my...
280
00:20:40,741 --> 00:20:41,991
Let go. Okay. Hey...
281
00:20:42,743 --> 00:20:45,253
-Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry.
-I'm working on it.
282
00:20:45,287 --> 00:20:47,247
Get out of here. Go. Go cast a spell.
283
00:20:47,831 --> 00:20:50,251
Hey. Hands off the merchandise.
284
00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:52,843
Merchandise?
285
00:20:53,337 --> 00:20:55,797
So you...
286
00:20:55,839 --> 00:20:57,259
bump fuzzies for money?
287
00:20:57,299 --> 00:20:58,049
Yep.
288
00:20:58,091 --> 00:20:59,341
Rough childhood?
289
00:20:59,384 --> 00:21:00,434
Rougher than yours.
290
00:21:00,469 --> 00:21:02,049
Daddy left before I was born.
291
00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:04,219
Daddy left before I was conceived.
292
00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:06,772
Ever had a cigarette
put out on your skin?
293
00:21:07,142 --> 00:21:08,482
Where else do you put one out?
294
00:21:08,519 --> 00:21:09,809
I was molested.
295
00:21:09,853 --> 00:21:11,563
Me too. Uncle.
296
00:21:11,605 --> 00:21:13,905
Uncles. They took turns.
297
00:21:14,191 --> 00:21:16,821
I watched my own birthday party
through the keyhole of a locked closet...
298
00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:18,240
which also happens to be my...
299
00:21:18,278 --> 00:21:21,108
Your bedroom. Lucky.
I slept in a dishwasher box.
300
00:21:21,949 --> 00:21:23,239
You had a dishwasher.
301
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:24,870
I didn't even know sleep.
302
00:21:24,910 --> 00:21:28,160
It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags,
brownie mix and clown porn.
303
00:21:32,209 --> 00:21:33,459
Who would do such a thing?
304
00:21:35,128 --> 00:21:38,588
Hopefully you, later tonight?
305
00:21:41,426 --> 00:21:46,346
Hey, what can I get for $275 and a...
306
00:21:47,558 --> 00:21:49,268
a Yogurtland rewards card?
307
00:21:49,309 --> 00:21:51,939
Baby, about 48 minutes
of whatever the fuck you want.
308
00:21:53,397 --> 00:21:55,147
And a low-fat dessert.
309
00:22:02,155 --> 00:22:04,445
Did she just put a gift card
in your mouth?
310
00:22:05,784 --> 00:22:07,914
It's time to put balls in holes.
311
00:22:08,954 --> 00:22:10,464
You said whatever I want.
312
00:22:11,290 --> 00:22:12,170
I get it.
313
00:22:12,583 --> 00:22:14,133
You love skee ball.
314
00:22:14,168 --> 00:22:16,458
Apparently more than you love vagina.
315
00:22:16,503 --> 00:22:17,963
That's a tough call.
316
00:22:18,839 --> 00:22:21,129
I just wanna get to know
the real you, you know.
317
00:22:21,175 --> 00:22:25,015
Not the short-shorted, two-dimensional
sex object peddled by Hollywood.
318
00:22:25,429 --> 00:22:26,139
Balls in holes.
319
00:22:27,306 --> 00:22:28,256
Balls in holes.
320
00:22:28,515 --> 00:22:29,925
Prepare to lose tragically.
321
00:22:29,975 --> 00:22:31,105
Bring it, big man.
322
00:22:31,143 --> 00:22:32,143
Okay.
323
00:22:38,483 --> 00:22:42,863
The limited edition Voltron:
Defender of the Universe ring, por favor.
324
00:22:43,322 --> 00:22:45,822
Okay. Here we go.
325
00:22:46,783 --> 00:22:48,913
Had my eye on this sucker for a while.
326
00:22:48,952 --> 00:22:50,792
And I will take the pencil eraser.
327
00:22:50,829 --> 00:22:52,249
Okay.
328
00:22:52,289 --> 00:22:55,079
You are now the protector
of the planet Arus.
329
00:22:55,125 --> 00:22:57,085
And you can erase stuff...
330
00:22:57,127 --> 00:22:58,457
written in pencil.
331
00:22:58,837 --> 00:23:00,257
M'lady?
332
00:23:00,297 --> 00:23:01,627
Well, I hate to break it to you...
333
00:23:01,673 --> 00:23:03,513
but your 48 minutes are up.
334
00:23:04,009 --> 00:23:06,799
Hey, how many more minutes
can I get for this?
335
00:23:06,845 --> 00:23:11,345
FYI, five mini lion-bots come together
to form one super-bot, so...
336
00:23:11,683 --> 00:23:14,813
Five mini lion-bots? Three minutes.
337
00:23:14,853 --> 00:23:15,813
Deal.
338
00:23:15,854 --> 00:23:18,154
What do we do with the remaining
two minutes, 37 seconds?
339
00:23:19,233 --> 00:23:20,033
Cuddle?
340
00:23:24,363 --> 00:23:25,863
How long can you keep this up?
341
00:23:26,323 --> 00:23:27,163
All year?
342
00:23:37,835 --> 00:23:39,715
Happy Valentine's Day.
343
00:23:47,344 --> 00:23:48,974
Happy Chinese New Year.
344
00:23:49,012 --> 00:23:50,352
Year of the Dog.
345
00:23:55,561 --> 00:23:56,731
Relax.
346
00:23:57,312 --> 00:23:59,402
And Happy International Women's Day.
347
00:24:04,319 --> 00:24:07,069
No. No. No.
348
00:24:09,408 --> 00:24:10,578
Happy Lent.
349
00:24:15,831 --> 00:24:17,121
-Wade?
-Sorry.
350
00:24:17,165 --> 00:24:18,495
Happy Halloween.
351
00:24:18,876 --> 00:24:19,746
Happy Halloween.
352
00:24:29,511 --> 00:24:31,221
Happy Thanksgiving.
353
00:24:33,223 --> 00:24:34,433
I love you.
354
00:24:38,228 --> 00:24:40,308
If your left leg is Thanksgiving...
355
00:24:40,355 --> 00:24:42,015
and your right leg is Christmas...
356
00:24:43,358 --> 00:24:44,858
can I visit you between the holidays?
357
00:24:46,778 --> 00:24:48,608
That sweater is terrible.
358
00:24:49,615 --> 00:24:51,325
But red looks good on you.
359
00:24:51,366 --> 00:24:52,486
Red's your color.
360
00:24:52,534 --> 00:24:54,294
Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes.
361
00:24:55,204 --> 00:24:56,414
Listen, I've been thinking...
362
00:24:56,455 --> 00:24:57,295
Really?
363
00:24:58,123 --> 00:24:59,793
...about why we're so good together.
364
00:25:00,209 --> 00:25:01,289
Why's that?
365
00:25:03,295 --> 00:25:05,805
Your crazy matches my crazy.
Big time.
366
00:25:08,050 --> 00:25:10,930
And, we're like two jigsaw pieces,
you know, the weird curvy edges...
367
00:25:11,303 --> 00:25:13,723
You put them together
and you can see the picture on top.
368
00:25:14,723 --> 00:25:15,603
Right.
369
00:25:16,225 --> 00:25:17,315
Wade...
370
00:25:17,976 --> 00:25:20,556
there's something I've been
meaning to ask you.
371
00:25:20,604 --> 00:25:23,114
But only because you haven't
gotten around to asking me.
372
00:25:25,234 --> 00:25:26,284
Will you...
373
00:25:27,486 --> 00:25:29,396
-stick it in my...
-Marry me?
374
00:25:32,407 --> 00:25:33,407
Jinx?
375
00:25:35,285 --> 00:25:36,445
Where were you hiding that?
376
00:25:36,495 --> 00:25:37,505
Nowhere.
377
00:25:38,580 --> 00:25:40,250
They say one month's salary. So...
378
00:25:40,290 --> 00:25:41,290
You mean?
379
00:25:41,333 --> 00:25:42,463
I do.
380
00:25:42,501 --> 00:25:43,501
That's my line.
381
00:25:46,839 --> 00:25:48,469
I love you, Wade Wilson.
382
00:25:49,299 --> 00:25:50,629
You're supposed to...
So that's a...
383
00:25:50,676 --> 00:25:51,506
Yes!
384
00:25:52,928 --> 00:25:54,008
Yes!
385
00:25:56,139 --> 00:25:57,599
I feel just like a little girl.
386
00:26:02,938 --> 00:26:05,268
What if I just held on and never let go?
387
00:26:05,315 --> 00:26:07,855
Just ride a bitch's back,
like Yoda on Luke.
388
00:26:08,861 --> 00:26:10,361
Star Wars jokes.
389
00:26:10,821 --> 00:26:12,031
Empire.
390
00:26:13,490 --> 00:26:16,700
Jesus Christ.
It's like I made you in a computer.
391
00:26:21,039 --> 00:26:22,039
Hey.
392
00:26:23,125 --> 00:26:24,135
Perfect.
393
00:26:28,297 --> 00:26:29,797
-Let's see.
-All right, wee break.
394
00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:31,130
Shake it, yeah.
395
00:26:37,389 --> 00:26:38,519
Here's the thing.
396
00:26:38,891 --> 00:26:40,851
Life is an endless series of train-wrecks...
397
00:26:40,893 --> 00:26:44,403
with only brief,
commercial-like breaks of happiness.
398
00:26:45,355 --> 00:26:48,065
This had been the ultimate commercial break.
399
00:26:50,527 --> 00:26:53,777
Which meant it was time to return
to our regularly scheduled program.
400
00:26:53,822 --> 00:26:54,572
What the...
401
00:26:55,699 --> 00:26:56,829
Oh, my God. Wade?
402
00:27:03,123 --> 00:27:04,373
You're clowning.
403
00:27:04,875 --> 00:27:06,255
You're not clowning?
404
00:27:06,668 --> 00:27:07,668
I sense clowns.
405
00:27:08,086 --> 00:27:11,586
People react to news
of late-stage cancer differently.
406
00:27:11,632 --> 00:27:16,182
There are certainly options we can look into.
New drugs are being developed every day.
407
00:27:20,724 --> 00:27:21,854
So what do we do?
408
00:27:22,476 --> 00:27:24,686
Surely there is something we can do.
409
00:27:25,854 --> 00:27:28,484
My uncle Ivan was diagnosed with thyroid cancer...
410
00:27:28,524 --> 00:27:31,074
and there were all these
new experimental drugs from Germany.
411
00:27:31,109 --> 00:27:35,359
Vanessa's already working on
Plan A, B, all the way through Z.
412
00:27:35,656 --> 00:27:39,196
Me? I'm memorizing
the details of her face.
413
00:27:39,868 --> 00:27:42,248
Like it's the first time I'm seeing it.
414
00:27:42,621 --> 00:27:43,461
Or the last.
415
00:27:43,497 --> 00:27:44,997
Mr. Wilson...
416
00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:46,460
Mr. Wilson?
417
00:27:46,875 --> 00:27:49,165
Take your time to process this.
418
00:27:50,212 --> 00:27:52,132
It's important not to do anything rash.
419
00:28:03,684 --> 00:28:08,944
Now, if I were a 200-pound sack
of assholes named Francis, where would I hide?
420
00:28:34,423 --> 00:28:38,803
A hush falls over the crowd
as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson...
421
00:28:38,844 --> 00:28:42,314
out of Regina, Saskatchewan,
lines up the shot.
422
00:28:43,974 --> 00:28:45,644
His form looks good.
423
00:28:47,769 --> 00:28:51,559
And that's why Regina rhymes with fun.
424
00:28:52,149 --> 00:28:54,479
Ladies and gentlemen, what you're witnessing...
425
00:28:54,526 --> 00:28:56,776
is sweet dick-kicking revenge.
426
00:28:57,821 --> 00:28:59,281
Giving him the business.
427
00:28:59,865 --> 00:29:00,785
Incoming!
428
00:29:01,909 --> 00:29:05,659
This is taking unsportsmanlike
conduct to a whole new level!
429
00:29:11,001 --> 00:29:14,671
Looking good, Francis. Well rested.
Like you've been pitching, not catching.
430
00:29:15,255 --> 00:29:17,215
Ringing any bells? No?
431
00:29:22,179 --> 00:29:23,429
How about now?
432
00:29:27,434 --> 00:29:29,604
Wade fucking Wilson.
433
00:29:32,105 --> 00:29:33,395
Well, hello, gorgeous.
434
00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:36,440
Yeah, like I got bit
by a radioactive Shar-Pei.
435
00:29:36,485 --> 00:29:39,655
Yeah. And whose fault is that, huh, Francis?
436
00:29:39,696 --> 00:29:41,736
Yeah, time to undo
what you did to this butterface.
437
00:29:41,782 --> 00:29:44,782
Please, you should thank me.
Apparently, I made you immortal.
438
00:29:45,118 --> 00:29:46,748
I'm actually quite jealous.
439
00:29:46,787 --> 00:29:49,037
Yeah, but this ain't
a life worth living, is it?
440
00:29:51,124 --> 00:29:55,254
Now, I'm about to do to you
what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.
441
00:29:57,673 --> 00:29:58,423
Dad?
442
00:30:02,052 --> 00:30:06,472
I think we can all agree that shit just
went sideways in the most colossal way.
443
00:30:07,516 --> 00:30:09,476
Well, maybe not the most.
444
00:30:11,061 --> 00:30:13,731
This is my most prized possession.
445
00:30:14,398 --> 00:30:15,358
Wham?
446
00:30:15,399 --> 00:30:17,229
No, no, no. Wham!
447
00:30:17,818 --> 00:30:21,238
Make It Big is the album that George
and Andy earned the exclamation point.
448
00:30:22,281 --> 00:30:25,201
So, am I supposed to just smile
and wave you out the door?
449
00:30:25,242 --> 00:30:26,832
Think of it like spring cleaning.
450
00:30:26,869 --> 00:30:28,159
Only if spring was death.
451
00:30:28,203 --> 00:30:32,173
God, if I had a nickel for every time
I spanked it to Bernadette Peters.
452
00:30:33,208 --> 00:30:34,668
Sounds like you do.
453
00:30:35,502 --> 00:30:39,462
Bernadette is not going anywhere,
because you're not going anywhere.
454
00:30:39,506 --> 00:30:40,296
Drink.
455
00:30:40,716 --> 00:30:43,466
You're right. Cancer is only in my liver,
lungs, prostate, and brain.
456
00:30:43,510 --> 00:30:44,640
All things I can live without.
457
00:30:46,972 --> 00:30:48,972
You belong here at home.
458
00:30:49,016 --> 00:30:52,636
Surrounded by your Voltron
and your Bernadette, and your me.
459
00:30:53,979 --> 00:30:57,439
Listen, we both know
that cancer is a shit-show.
460
00:30:59,109 --> 00:31:05,369
Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-opening-for-the-
Spin-Doctors-at-the-Iowa-State-Fair shit-show.
461
00:31:06,116 --> 00:31:10,656
And under no circumstances
will I take you to that show.
462
00:31:12,039 --> 00:31:13,669
I want you to remember me.
463
00:31:15,209 --> 00:31:17,039
Not the ghost of Christmas me.
464
00:31:17,085 --> 00:31:18,875
Well, I wanna remember us.
465
00:31:19,338 --> 00:31:21,008
I swear to God,
I will find you in the next life...
466
00:31:21,048 --> 00:31:24,218
and I'm gonna boom-box Careless Whisper
outside your window.
467
00:31:24,259 --> 00:31:25,679
Wham!
468
00:31:29,056 --> 00:31:32,056
No one is boom-boxing shit. Okay?
469
00:31:34,645 --> 00:31:36,025
We can fight this.
470
00:31:39,191 --> 00:31:41,361
Besides, I just realized something.
471
00:31:42,194 --> 00:31:47,324
You win. Your life is officially
way more fucked up than mine.
472
00:31:51,745 --> 00:31:52,745
I love you.
473
00:32:04,424 --> 00:32:05,554
Wade.
474
00:32:07,761 --> 00:32:08,971
Weas.
475
00:32:09,012 --> 00:32:11,562
You look like you need
a Blow Job and a shower.
476
00:32:11,598 --> 00:32:13,728
Though courtesy calls
for the latter first.
477
00:32:13,767 --> 00:32:15,437
How about three shots of Patrón?
478
00:32:15,477 --> 00:32:19,227
Or how about Triticum aestivum, wheatgrass.
479
00:32:19,273 --> 00:32:20,653
Excellent for the immune system.
480
00:32:20,691 --> 00:32:22,781
Jesus Christ. You sound like Vanessa.
481
00:32:22,818 --> 00:32:23,988
Here, check it out.
482
00:32:24,027 --> 00:32:27,487
She's sending away for all these
colorful clinic brochures.
483
00:32:27,531 --> 00:32:29,281
I'm sure they're all FDA approved.
484
00:32:29,741 --> 00:32:32,701
Chechnya. Isn't that where you go
to get cancer?
485
00:32:32,744 --> 00:32:35,504
You got China and Central Mexico.
486
00:32:35,956 --> 00:32:38,206
You know how they say "cancer" in Spanish?
487
00:32:38,250 --> 00:32:39,290
No.
488
00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:41,670
El Cáncer.
489
00:32:41,712 --> 00:32:43,552
I could have guessed that.
490
00:32:43,922 --> 00:32:45,472
Look how happy you look here.
491
00:32:45,507 --> 00:32:49,507
Mind if I keep this? Put it up,
so I can remember when you looked alive.
492
00:32:50,012 --> 00:32:51,972
At least now I'm gonna win the dead pool.
493
00:32:52,014 --> 00:32:54,724
Now that you're gonna die
tragically of cancer.
494
00:32:54,766 --> 00:32:56,346
I got it, Weas. Thanks.
495
00:32:59,146 --> 00:33:01,816
And that guy over there
came in looking for you.
496
00:33:01,857 --> 00:33:04,727
Real Grim Reaper type.
497
00:33:04,776 --> 00:33:06,736
I don't know. Might further the plot.
498
00:33:10,741 --> 00:33:11,831
Boothe.
499
00:33:11,867 --> 00:33:12,947
Wade.
500
00:33:18,332 --> 00:33:19,252
Mr. Wilson.
501
00:33:19,750 --> 00:33:20,920
How can I help you?
502
00:33:20,959 --> 00:33:23,669
Besides luring children into a panel van.
503
00:33:23,712 --> 00:33:27,382
I understand you've recently
been diagnosed with terminal cancer.
504
00:33:27,424 --> 00:33:28,554
Stalker alert.
505
00:33:28,592 --> 00:33:30,762
It's my job. Recruitment.
506
00:33:31,512 --> 00:33:33,932
I'm sorry you've had such a tough go.
507
00:33:35,057 --> 00:33:37,347
But you're a fighter. Special Forces.
508
00:33:37,392 --> 00:33:39,732
41 confirmed kills.
509
00:33:40,270 --> 00:33:41,690
One every seven weeks.
510
00:33:41,730 --> 00:33:43,610
Same rate most folks get a haircut.
511
00:33:44,775 --> 00:33:46,035
It's to wash the taste out.
512
00:33:46,318 --> 00:33:49,528
It's tough to forget being so impressive.
513
00:33:49,571 --> 00:33:53,661
And now you spend your days
sticking up for the little people...
514
00:33:53,700 --> 00:33:55,240
People change. What do you want?
515
00:33:55,619 --> 00:33:58,659
I represent an organization
that may be able to help.
516
00:34:00,624 --> 00:34:04,294
What if I told you
we can cure your cancer?
517
00:34:04,920 --> 00:34:09,010
And what's more, give you abilities
most men only dream of?
518
00:34:12,678 --> 00:34:16,768
I'd say that you sound like an infomercial,
but not a good one, like Slap Chop.
519
00:34:16,807 --> 00:34:18,427
More Shake Weight-y.
520
00:34:18,475 --> 00:34:21,475
The world needs extraordinary soldiers.
521
00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:23,690
We won't just make you better.
522
00:34:23,730 --> 00:34:26,690
We will make you better than better.
523
00:34:27,734 --> 00:34:28,994
A superhero.
524
00:34:29,319 --> 00:34:34,319
Look, Agent Smith,
I tried the hero business and it left a mark.
525
00:34:34,783 --> 00:34:37,413
But if I ever hit "fuck it,"
I'll look you up.
526
00:34:39,830 --> 00:34:42,670
Shit. We're within 500 yards of a school,
so you may wanna...
527
00:34:47,671 --> 00:34:48,881
His drink's on him.
528
00:34:54,553 --> 00:34:56,303
What did he say?
529
00:35:18,952 --> 00:35:20,542
Hey, what's going on?
530
00:35:21,538 --> 00:35:23,038
Hey. Sorry.
531
00:35:24,499 --> 00:35:26,499
I had a Liam Neeson nightmare.
532
00:35:27,377 --> 00:35:30,547
I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter
and he just wasn't having it.
533
00:35:38,263 --> 00:35:42,483
Hey, they've made three of those movies.
534
00:35:43,477 --> 00:35:46,647
At some point you have to wonder
if he's just a bad parent.
535
00:36:01,036 --> 00:36:04,656
The worst part about cancer
isn't what it does to you...
536
00:36:05,040 --> 00:36:07,920
but what it does to the people you love.
537
00:36:08,210 --> 00:36:10,920
Who knew if this guy could save my life...
538
00:36:10,963 --> 00:36:13,513
but I knew there was only
one way that I could save hers.
539
00:36:17,678 --> 00:36:19,928
Isn't that what superheroes do?
540
00:36:32,276 --> 00:36:36,316
Okay. Let's pro-con this superhero thing.
541
00:36:38,240 --> 00:36:41,200
Pro: They pull down a gaggle of ass.
542
00:36:41,243 --> 00:36:42,623
Local dry cleaning discounts.
543
00:36:42,661 --> 00:36:46,711
Lucrative film deals, both origin stories
and larger ensemble team movies.
544
00:36:46,748 --> 00:36:49,918
Con: They're all lame-ass teacher's pets.
545
00:36:49,960 --> 00:36:51,670
You know, I can hear you.
546
00:36:51,712 --> 00:36:54,882
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to them.
547
00:36:54,923 --> 00:36:56,633
Stay right here.
548
00:36:57,009 --> 00:36:59,089
You've been warned before, Deadpool.
549
00:36:59,386 --> 00:37:03,006
This is a shameful and
reckless use of your powers.
550
00:37:03,056 --> 00:37:05,266
You will both be coming with us.
551
00:37:05,309 --> 00:37:09,229
Look, Colossus, I don't have time for the
goody two-shoes bullshit right now!
552
00:37:09,271 --> 00:37:11,111
And you are?
553
00:37:12,733 --> 00:37:14,573
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
554
00:37:14,610 --> 00:37:18,070
Negasonic Teenage...
What the shit?
555
00:37:18,113 --> 00:37:19,863
That's the coolest name ever!
556
00:37:21,408 --> 00:37:24,038
So, what, you're like, his sidekick?
557
00:37:24,077 --> 00:37:25,577
No. Trainee.
558
00:37:25,621 --> 00:37:27,081
Let me guess.
559
00:37:27,122 --> 00:37:29,622
X-Men left you behind on what?
Shit detail?
560
00:37:29,666 --> 00:37:30,786
What does that make you?
561
00:37:30,834 --> 00:37:33,254
Pretending you're not here,
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
562
00:37:33,295 --> 00:37:34,555
Can we trade names?
563
00:37:35,214 --> 00:37:36,214
Can we go?
564
00:37:36,256 --> 00:37:38,626
Look! I'm a teenage girl.
565
00:37:38,675 --> 00:37:40,885
I'd rather be anywhere than here.
566
00:37:40,928 --> 00:37:43,138
I'm all about long sullen silences...
567
00:37:43,180 --> 00:37:46,640
followed by mean comments,
followed by more silences.
568
00:37:47,059 --> 00:37:50,439
So what's it gonna be, huh?
Long sullen silence...
569
00:37:50,479 --> 00:37:53,019
or mean comment? Go on.
570
00:37:54,274 --> 00:37:55,574
You got me in a box here.
571
00:37:56,610 --> 00:37:58,570
We can't allow this, Deadpool.
572
00:37:58,612 --> 00:38:00,072
Please, come quietly.
573
00:38:00,113 --> 00:38:02,413
You big chrome cock-gobbler!
574
00:38:02,449 --> 00:38:03,449
That's not nice.
575
00:38:03,492 --> 00:38:04,992
You're really gonna fuck this up for me?
576
00:38:05,327 --> 00:38:09,747
Trust me, that wheezing bag
of dick-tips has it coming.
577
00:38:09,790 --> 00:38:12,330
He's pure evil.
578
00:38:12,709 --> 00:38:15,999
Besides... nobody's getting hurt.
579
00:38:21,301 --> 00:38:23,601
That guy was already up there
when I got here.
580
00:38:23,637 --> 00:38:26,807
Wade, you are better than this.
581
00:38:26,849 --> 00:38:30,349
-Join us. Use your powers for good.
-Heads up.
582
00:38:30,394 --> 00:38:31,814
Be a superhero.
583
00:38:31,854 --> 00:38:32,774
Listen!
584
00:38:32,813 --> 00:38:35,153
The day I decide to become
a crime-fighting shit-swizzler...
585
00:38:35,524 --> 00:38:38,614
who rooms with a bunch of other
little whiners at the Neverland mansion...
586
00:38:38,652 --> 00:38:43,532
of some creepy, old, bald,
Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker...
587
00:38:43,574 --> 00:38:45,334
on that day...
588
00:38:45,576 --> 00:38:47,616
I'll send your shiny,
happy ass a friend request.
589
00:38:47,661 --> 00:38:50,161
But until then,
I'mma do what I came here to do.
590
00:38:50,205 --> 00:38:52,955
Either that or slap the bitch outta you!
591
00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:54,250
-Wade...
-Hey.
592
00:38:54,293 --> 00:38:55,503
Zip it, Sinéad!
593
00:38:55,544 --> 00:38:56,674
Hey, douche-pool!
594
00:38:56,712 --> 00:38:57,922
And I hope you're watching...
595
00:39:02,676 --> 00:39:04,426
Quite unfortunate.
596
00:39:07,806 --> 00:39:10,056
That does it!
597
00:39:14,438 --> 00:39:15,808
Canada!
598
00:39:17,107 --> 00:39:18,227
That's not good.
599
00:39:18,275 --> 00:39:19,365
Wade, please.
600
00:39:19,401 --> 00:39:20,401
Cock shot!
601
00:39:22,487 --> 00:39:24,027
Your poor wife.
602
00:39:24,072 --> 00:39:25,872
You really should stop.
603
00:39:29,453 --> 00:39:31,833
All the dinosaurs feared the T. rex.
604
00:39:36,502 --> 00:39:38,712
I promise this gets worse for you, big boy!
605
00:39:38,754 --> 00:39:39,924
This is embarrassing.
606
00:39:40,672 --> 00:39:42,472
Please, stay down.
607
00:39:43,592 --> 00:39:46,012
You ever hear of the one-legged man
in the ass-kicking contest?
608
00:39:46,053 --> 00:39:47,513
Do you have off switch?
609
00:39:47,554 --> 00:39:50,354
Yeah, it's right next to the prostate.
Or is that the on switch?
610
00:39:50,390 --> 00:39:51,270
Enough!
611
00:40:01,026 --> 00:40:02,896
Let us go talk to the Professor.
612
00:40:03,403 --> 00:40:05,203
McAvoy or Stewart?
613
00:40:05,239 --> 00:40:07,449
These timelines are so confusing.
614
00:40:08,784 --> 00:40:11,454
"Dead or alive, you're coming with me!"
615
00:40:11,495 --> 00:40:13,045
You will recover, Wade.
616
00:40:13,330 --> 00:40:14,960
You always do.
617
00:40:19,461 --> 00:40:22,881
You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert.
618
00:40:26,635 --> 00:40:27,805
Oh, my God.
619
00:40:27,845 --> 00:40:28,895
Nasty.
620
00:40:32,015 --> 00:40:34,095
There's the money shot, baby.
621
00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:36,520
Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.
622
00:40:47,447 --> 00:40:49,867
Rock, meet bottom.
623
00:40:50,367 --> 00:40:53,367
And when life ends up breathtakingly fucked...
624
00:40:53,620 --> 00:40:57,870
you can generally trace it back
to one big, bad decision.
625
00:40:57,916 --> 00:41:01,166
The one that sent you
down the road to Shitsburgh.
626
00:41:01,211 --> 00:41:04,261
This? Well, this was mine.
627
00:41:04,798 --> 00:41:06,258
Mr. Wilson.
628
00:41:07,634 --> 00:41:12,184
Nothing warms my heart more
than a change of someone else's.
629
00:41:12,222 --> 00:41:13,932
You finally hit "fuck it."
630
00:41:15,100 --> 00:41:17,100
Just promise you'll do right by me.
631
00:41:17,769 --> 00:41:19,769
So I can do right by someone else.
632
00:41:19,813 --> 00:41:20,983
Of course.
633
00:41:21,732 --> 00:41:23,482
And please don't make the super-suit green.
634
00:41:24,776 --> 00:41:26,276
Or animated.
635
00:41:32,784 --> 00:41:35,834
Move it! Keep moving.
636
00:41:46,465 --> 00:41:48,595
This place seems sanitary.
637
00:41:49,343 --> 00:41:51,593
My first request is warmer hands.
638
00:41:52,137 --> 00:41:55,427
And, Jesus, a warmer table.
639
00:41:56,975 --> 00:41:58,845
We should really come up
with a safe word, fellas.
640
00:41:59,186 --> 00:42:01,016
I'm thinking "pork and beans."
641
00:42:05,317 --> 00:42:06,527
Easy.
642
00:42:08,529 --> 00:42:10,819
Aren't you a little strong for a lady?
643
00:42:11,615 --> 00:42:12,995
I'm calling wang.
644
00:42:16,870 --> 00:42:18,120
What's up with the matches?
645
00:42:18,372 --> 00:42:21,122
Oral fixation
or just a big Stallone fan?
646
00:42:22,668 --> 00:42:23,958
Patience, Angel.
647
00:42:24,878 --> 00:42:26,628
All in good time.
648
00:42:26,672 --> 00:42:28,592
Are you here for the turndown service,
or what?
649
00:42:30,175 --> 00:42:31,425
We have another talker.
650
00:42:31,468 --> 00:42:33,298
I'm just excited about my first day
at superhero camp.
651
00:42:33,345 --> 00:42:35,505
Shut the fuck up.
652
00:42:38,851 --> 00:42:40,811
Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax.
653
00:42:41,770 --> 00:42:43,860
I manage this workshop.
654
00:42:44,940 --> 00:42:48,230
My welcome speech used to be
full of euphemisms like...
655
00:42:48,277 --> 00:42:51,907
"This may hurt a little."
"This may cause you some discomfort."
656
00:42:51,947 --> 00:42:54,237
But I've grown blunt.
657
00:42:54,283 --> 00:42:56,913
This workshop is not
a government-led program.
658
00:42:56,952 --> 00:43:00,622
It's a private institution that turns
reclamation projects like yourself...
659
00:43:00,664 --> 00:43:04,004
into men of extraordinary abilities.
660
00:43:05,627 --> 00:43:08,877
But if you think superhuman powers
are acquired painlessly...
661
00:43:09,798 --> 00:43:10,628
Wrong.
662
00:43:11,300 --> 00:43:15,390
I'm injecting you with a serum that activates
any mutant genes lurking in your DNA.
663
00:43:15,637 --> 00:43:19,557
For it to work we need to subject
you to extreme stress.
664
00:43:25,022 --> 00:43:28,322
You've heard that whole
"make an omelet, break some eggs" bit, right?
665
00:43:29,067 --> 00:43:30,487
I'm about to hurt you, Wade.
666
00:43:31,653 --> 00:43:34,203
I was a patient here once myself, you know.
667
00:43:34,740 --> 00:43:37,240
The treatment affects everyone differently.
668
00:43:37,576 --> 00:43:40,406
It made Angel inhumanly strong.
669
00:43:40,746 --> 00:43:44,746
In my case, it enhanced my reflexes.
670
00:43:45,250 --> 00:43:48,210
Also scorched my nerve endings,
so I no longer feel pain.
671
00:43:49,922 --> 00:43:53,762
And, in fact, I no longer feel anything.
672
00:44:02,267 --> 00:44:05,057
Thanks! Thank you. Thank you.
673
00:44:05,354 --> 00:44:07,114
You have something in your teeth.
674
00:44:08,023 --> 00:44:10,233
Right in the middle there.
Just, I don't...
675
00:44:10,275 --> 00:44:13,185
A little nugget of romaine lettuce
or something.
676
00:44:15,197 --> 00:44:17,617
It's been bothering me for a long time.
677
00:44:19,076 --> 00:44:20,116
Made you look.
678
00:44:20,410 --> 00:44:23,870
Is Ajax your actual name?
Because it sounds suspiciously made up.
679
00:44:23,914 --> 00:44:25,044
What is it really?
680
00:44:25,082 --> 00:44:27,502
Kevin? Bruce? Scott?
681
00:44:27,543 --> 00:44:29,133
Mitch? The Rickster?
682
00:44:29,795 --> 00:44:31,305
Is it Basil Fawlty?
683
00:44:31,630 --> 00:44:33,130
Joke away.
684
00:44:33,590 --> 00:44:36,470
One thing that never survives this place
is a sense of humor.
685
00:44:36,969 --> 00:44:38,259
We'll see about that.
686
00:44:38,303 --> 00:44:39,643
I suppose we will.
687
00:44:40,973 --> 00:44:42,563
He's all yours.
688
00:44:42,599 --> 00:44:43,809
Come on.
689
00:44:44,309 --> 00:44:47,439
You're gonna leave me all alone here
with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell?
690
00:44:51,817 --> 00:44:53,897
This is how it's going to work.
691
00:44:53,944 --> 00:44:56,954
Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum...
692
00:44:57,573 --> 00:45:00,083
so we're going to have to
make you suffer.
693
00:45:01,827 --> 00:45:06,657
If you're lucky, the mutant genes will activate
and manifest in a spectacular fashion.
694
00:45:10,961 --> 00:45:13,801
If not, well, we'll have
to keep on hurting you...
695
00:45:15,632 --> 00:45:18,342
in new and different ways,
each more painful than the last...
696
00:45:21,013 --> 00:45:23,353
until you finally mutate.
697
00:45:24,975 --> 00:45:26,185
Or die.
698
00:45:33,025 --> 00:45:34,655
You mean like a bucket list?
699
00:45:34,693 --> 00:45:36,993
Like a fuck-it list.
700
00:45:37,029 --> 00:45:39,699
I'd really like to light a spliff
off the Olympic torch.
701
00:45:40,282 --> 00:45:42,162
Pass it to me right after.
702
00:45:42,201 --> 00:45:48,161
Let's not forget naked tandem base-jumping
with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs.
703
00:45:49,208 --> 00:45:52,338
Anything on my bucket list
would involve public nudity.
704
00:45:52,836 --> 00:45:55,706
Finally, giving Meredith Baxter-Birney
a Dutch oven.
705
00:45:56,006 --> 00:45:59,126
No. Receiving a Dutch oven
from Meredith Baxter-Birney.
706
00:46:03,805 --> 00:46:07,225
Making banana pancakes for my kids.
707
00:46:10,646 --> 00:46:12,686
Vanessa.
708
00:46:16,193 --> 00:46:18,573
I wanna see Vanessa.
709
00:46:18,612 --> 00:46:20,032
You're lovely.
710
00:46:20,072 --> 00:46:23,492
I don't know about anyone else,
but I'm touched.
711
00:46:23,534 --> 00:46:24,664
We were just joking.
712
00:46:24,701 --> 00:46:27,001
No, no. It's okay.
713
00:46:28,080 --> 00:46:29,750
I encourage distractions.
714
00:46:30,499 --> 00:46:32,879
Wouldn't want you giving up on us,
now would we?
715
00:46:32,918 --> 00:46:34,748
Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham.
716
00:46:35,712 --> 00:46:38,092
How tough can he be...
717
00:46:38,131 --> 00:46:41,051
with a name like Francis?
718
00:46:41,635 --> 00:46:42,765
Francis?
719
00:46:43,053 --> 00:46:44,473
That's his legal name.
720
00:46:45,097 --> 00:46:48,557
He got "Ajax" from the dish soap.
721
00:46:50,602 --> 00:46:54,192
F-R-A-N-C-I...
722
00:46:54,690 --> 00:46:56,020
Oops!
723
00:46:57,818 --> 00:47:00,698
Snagged the dry cleaning tag
off your lab coat.
724
00:47:02,614 --> 00:47:05,034
FYI, I could probably get you
the superhero discount.
725
00:47:05,075 --> 00:47:06,485
You are so relentlessly annoying.
726
00:47:06,535 --> 00:47:07,585
Thanks.
727
00:47:07,619 --> 00:47:08,869
Never heard that before.
728
00:47:08,912 --> 00:47:12,172
Why don't you do us all a favor
and shut the fuck up?
729
00:47:12,207 --> 00:47:14,207
Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut.
730
00:47:16,003 --> 00:47:17,753
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
731
00:47:17,796 --> 00:47:21,046
See, here's the problem
with round-the-clock torture...
732
00:47:21,091 --> 00:47:24,051
is that you can't really
step it up from there.
733
00:47:26,680 --> 00:47:29,020
Is that what you think?
734
00:47:34,313 --> 00:47:36,823
If this doesn't unlock your mutation,
then, well...
735
00:47:37,649 --> 00:47:38,939
nothing will.
736
00:47:39,359 --> 00:47:42,359
Now, what we're going to do is lower
the oxygen concentration in the air...
737
00:47:42,404 --> 00:47:45,034
to the exact point you feel
like you're suffocating.
738
00:47:45,324 --> 00:47:48,494
If your brainwaves slow,
meaning you're about to pass out...
739
00:47:49,161 --> 00:47:50,291
then we'll turn up the O2.
740
00:47:51,330 --> 00:47:52,750
If your heart rate slows...
741
00:47:52,789 --> 00:47:55,499
meaning you're able to catch your breath...
742
00:47:55,542 --> 00:47:56,922
we'll turn it back down.
743
00:47:57,544 --> 00:48:01,214
And that's where we'll leave you.
Right there.
744
00:48:01,590 --> 00:48:03,880
And I thought you guys were dicks before.
745
00:48:03,926 --> 00:48:06,336
You know the funniest part of this?
746
00:48:07,095 --> 00:48:09,465
You still think we're making you a superhero.
747
00:48:10,307 --> 00:48:13,767
You. A dishonorable discharge.
748
00:48:14,520 --> 00:48:16,560
Hip-deep in hookers.
749
00:48:17,272 --> 00:48:18,902
You're nothing.
750
00:48:19,858 --> 00:48:21,318
Little secret, Wade.
751
00:48:22,152 --> 00:48:26,242
This workshop doesn't make superheroes,
we make super-slaves.
752
00:48:27,324 --> 00:48:31,084
We're gonna fit you with a control collar
and auction you off to the highest bidder.
753
00:48:31,870 --> 00:48:33,250
Who knows what they'll have you doing?
754
00:48:34,081 --> 00:48:37,541
Terrorizing citizens,
putting down freedom fighters.
755
00:48:39,711 --> 00:48:42,551
Maybe just mow the occasional lawn.
756
00:48:43,048 --> 00:48:45,508
What the fuck is wrong with you?
757
00:48:50,764 --> 00:48:53,604
You're never going home after this.
758
00:48:53,642 --> 00:48:55,852
Now there's a brave face.
759
00:48:56,895 --> 00:48:58,435
Wait, wait! Wait. Wait.
760
00:49:00,774 --> 00:49:04,694
Seriously, you actually have something
in your teeth now.
761
00:49:06,613 --> 00:49:07,993
Enjoy your weekend.
762
00:49:08,365 --> 00:49:10,075
"Weekend"? Back up.
763
00:49:10,117 --> 00:49:11,327
Weekend?
764
00:49:53,035 --> 00:49:55,125
Did I say this was a love story?
765
00:49:55,162 --> 00:49:57,622
No, it's a horror movie.
766
00:50:14,097 --> 00:50:16,267
Fucking hell.
767
00:50:16,308 --> 00:50:19,558
Looks like someone lost his shot
at Homecoming King.
768
00:50:19,603 --> 00:50:21,693
What have you done to me?
769
00:50:21,730 --> 00:50:25,110
I've merely raised your stress levels
high enough to trigger a mutation.
770
00:50:25,150 --> 00:50:27,280
You sadistic fuck!
771
00:50:27,986 --> 00:50:29,486
I've cured you, Wade.
772
00:50:30,322 --> 00:50:31,952
Now your mutated cells can heal anything.
773
00:50:33,075 --> 00:50:35,835
It's attacking your cancer
as fast as it can form.
774
00:50:37,079 --> 00:50:39,659
Yeah, I've seen similar side effects before.
775
00:50:40,958 --> 00:50:41,998
I could cure them...
776
00:50:45,587 --> 00:50:47,257
but where's the fun in that?
777
00:50:49,591 --> 00:50:52,141
Now, I'm gonna shut you in again, Wade.
778
00:50:53,929 --> 00:50:55,889
Not because I need to.
779
00:50:59,852 --> 00:51:01,562
Because I want to.
780
00:51:16,034 --> 00:51:17,244
Oh, well.
781
00:51:17,286 --> 00:51:18,496
Go ahead.
782
00:51:21,707 --> 00:51:23,537
You smell like shit.
783
00:51:26,837 --> 00:51:27,877
Motherfucker.
784
00:51:28,797 --> 00:51:30,717
It's all right, it's all right.
785
00:51:31,800 --> 00:51:33,550
I think we owe him that one, yeah?
786
00:51:33,802 --> 00:51:36,182
You take off. Go on.
787
00:51:36,972 --> 00:51:38,312
Off you go.
788
00:51:49,318 --> 00:51:50,898
Quick question.
789
00:51:53,197 --> 00:51:55,237
What's my name?
790
00:52:00,996 --> 00:52:02,326
Didn't think so.
791
00:52:04,208 --> 00:52:06,918
Sorry, Francis. My lips are sealed.
792
00:54:03,368 --> 00:54:04,828
You don't want to kill me.
793
00:54:04,870 --> 00:54:07,120
I'm the only one
who can fix your ugly mug.
794
00:55:03,846 --> 00:55:05,426
What's my name?
795
00:55:11,603 --> 00:55:12,773
Wade.
796
00:56:20,130 --> 00:56:23,170
I didn't just get the cure to el cáncer...
797
00:56:24,676 --> 00:56:27,346
I got the cure to el everything.
798
00:56:31,016 --> 00:56:33,266
But there was only one thing...
799
00:56:33,310 --> 00:56:34,940
that really mattered.
800
00:57:04,383 --> 00:57:05,433
Come on, let's go.
801
00:57:10,764 --> 00:57:13,524
Oh, that must hurt.
802
00:57:14,518 --> 00:57:15,978
Thank you so much.
803
00:57:27,906 --> 00:57:30,156
God, he's so fucking gnarly.
804
00:57:30,200 --> 00:57:31,620
Look at his face.
805
00:57:31,660 --> 00:57:34,040
Oh, my God. Poor guy.
806
00:57:34,079 --> 00:57:35,209
Honey, don't stare.
807
00:57:35,247 --> 00:57:36,407
Freak.
808
00:57:56,768 --> 00:58:00,108
No way. I'm not making her life
as ugly as mine.
809
00:58:00,397 --> 00:58:02,937
Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad.
810
00:58:02,983 --> 00:58:04,323
Bullshit!
811
00:58:04,359 --> 00:58:07,609
I'm a monster inside and out.
I belong in a fucking circus.
812
00:58:07,654 --> 00:58:10,204
Wade, Vanessa loves you.
She doesn't care what you...
813
00:58:11,992 --> 00:58:12,952
Do you like what you see?
814
00:58:13,202 --> 00:58:14,372
No.
815
00:58:14,870 --> 00:58:18,830
You look like an avocado had sex
with an older, more disgusting avocado.
816
00:58:19,249 --> 00:58:20,039
Yeah.
817
00:58:20,083 --> 00:58:22,173
Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking.
818
00:58:22,211 --> 00:58:24,131
There was something wrong
with the relationship...
819
00:58:24,171 --> 00:58:27,801
and that was the only catharsis that
they could find without violence.
820
00:58:27,841 --> 00:58:30,431
And the only guy
who can fix this fugly mug...
821
00:58:30,469 --> 00:58:33,179
is the British shitstick
who ran the mutant factory.
822
00:58:33,222 --> 00:58:35,142
And he's gone. Poof!
823
00:58:35,182 --> 00:58:36,892
Yeah, well you gotta do something
to remedy this...
824
00:58:36,934 --> 00:58:39,984
because as of now,
you only have one course of action.
825
00:58:40,020 --> 00:58:41,270
Damn straight.
826
00:58:41,313 --> 00:58:43,193
-Find Francis.
-Star in horror films.
827
00:58:43,232 --> 00:58:44,192
What?
828
00:58:44,233 --> 00:58:46,443
Star in your own horror films.
829
00:58:46,485 --> 00:58:50,325
Because you look like Freddy Krueger
face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.
830
00:58:51,156 --> 00:58:52,906
Here's what I'm actually gonna do.
831
00:58:52,950 --> 00:58:55,620
I'm gonna work through his crew
until somebody gives up Francis...
832
00:58:55,661 --> 00:58:58,041
force him to fix this,
then put a bullet in his skull...
833
00:58:58,080 --> 00:58:59,750
and fuck the brain hole.
834
00:58:59,790 --> 00:59:02,920
I don't wanna see that
or think of it again.
835
00:59:02,960 --> 00:59:05,170
But the douchebag does
think you're dead, right?
836
00:59:05,212 --> 00:59:05,922
Yeah.
837
00:59:05,963 --> 00:59:07,843
That's good.
You should keep it that way.
838
00:59:07,881 --> 00:59:09,551
What, like, wear a mask?
839
00:59:09,591 --> 00:59:12,551
Yes. A very thick mask.
All the time.
840
00:59:13,303 --> 00:59:14,303
I am sorry...
841
00:59:14,346 --> 00:59:16,966
you are haunting.
842
00:59:17,015 --> 00:59:18,925
Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
843
00:59:18,976 --> 00:59:20,346
Like a testicle with teeth.
844
00:59:20,394 --> 00:59:22,154
You will die alone.
845
00:59:22,187 --> 00:59:23,807
I mean, if you could die.
846
00:59:24,439 --> 00:59:26,399
Ideally, for others' sake.
847
00:59:26,441 --> 00:59:27,691
That'll do.
848
00:59:27,985 --> 00:59:29,785
All you need now is a suit
and a nickname...
849
00:59:29,820 --> 00:59:31,700
like Wade the Wisecracker...
850
00:59:32,114 --> 00:59:35,244
or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie.
851
00:59:36,118 --> 00:59:37,118
Shit.
852
00:59:37,703 --> 00:59:38,793
What?
853
00:59:39,621 --> 00:59:41,621
I put all my money on you and now...
854
00:59:41,665 --> 00:59:43,255
I just realized I'm never gonna win the...
855
00:59:43,292 --> 00:59:44,172
Dead pool.
856
00:59:48,172 --> 00:59:50,472
Captain Deadpool.
857
00:59:52,342 --> 00:59:53,472
No, just...
858
00:59:53,510 --> 00:59:55,260
-Just Deadpool, yeah.
-Just Deadpool.
859
00:59:55,304 --> 00:59:57,264
To you, Mr. Pool.
860
00:59:57,556 --> 01:00:00,056
Deadpool.
That sounds like a fucking franchise.
861
01:00:14,656 --> 01:00:16,736
This shit's gonna have nuts in it.
862
01:00:17,826 --> 01:00:18,826
Where's Francis?
863
01:00:33,091 --> 01:00:34,761
Where's Francis?
864
01:00:42,935 --> 01:00:44,855
Seltzer water and lemon for blood.
865
01:00:46,188 --> 01:00:49,108
Or wear red. Dumbass.
866
01:01:07,835 --> 01:01:09,295
Don't make me ask twice.
867
01:01:10,671 --> 01:01:12,051
Where...
868
01:01:12,089 --> 01:01:14,219
is Francis?
869
01:01:14,800 --> 01:01:16,510
He made me ask twice.
870
01:01:16,552 --> 01:01:18,552
Is the mask muffling my voice?
871
01:01:23,350 --> 01:01:24,810
Where's Francis?
872
01:01:27,437 --> 01:01:29,267
Where the fuck is Francis?
873
01:01:37,948 --> 01:01:41,328
You're about to be killed by a Zamboni.
874
01:01:41,368 --> 01:01:42,578
Where's Francis?
875
01:01:43,996 --> 01:01:45,116
No! Please!
876
01:01:45,747 --> 01:01:49,207
Oh, God! I'm so sorry!
877
01:01:49,751 --> 01:01:52,381
You little spider monkey!
878
01:01:55,465 --> 01:01:58,925
Where... is... Francis?
879
01:02:00,095 --> 01:02:01,345
This is confusing.
880
01:02:01,388 --> 01:02:04,348
Is it sexist to hit you?
Is it more sexist to not hit you?
881
01:02:04,391 --> 01:02:06,691
I mean, the line gets real... blurry.
882
01:02:07,060 --> 01:02:08,980
WHERE IS FRANCIS?
883
01:02:10,564 --> 01:02:13,824
Tell me where your fucking boss is
or you're gonna die!
884
01:02:14,443 --> 01:02:16,073
In five minutes!
885
01:02:26,205 --> 01:02:27,965
Don't hesitate to call me.
886
01:02:43,597 --> 01:02:45,767
Nice to see you, Jared.
887
01:02:46,934 --> 01:02:48,394
I'll take the footlong...
888
01:02:48,894 --> 01:02:49,734
fully loaded.
889
01:03:05,327 --> 01:03:06,947
41 confirmed kills.
890
01:03:06,995 --> 01:03:09,405
Now it's 89. About to be 90.
891
01:03:10,165 --> 01:03:11,455
Mr. Wilson?
892
01:03:13,252 --> 01:03:15,422
You're looking very alive.
893
01:03:16,255 --> 01:03:17,305
Only on the outside.
894
01:03:17,965 --> 01:03:20,885
-This is not going to end well for me, is it?
-This is not gonna end well for you, no.
895
01:03:20,926 --> 01:03:22,086
Where's your boss?
896
01:03:22,135 --> 01:03:23,755
I can tell you exactly...
897
01:03:25,472 --> 01:03:27,352
Oh, you'll tell me, but first...
898
01:03:27,933 --> 01:03:30,233
You might wanna look away for this.
899
01:03:30,269 --> 01:03:31,519
Now this little piggy went to...
900
01:03:33,647 --> 01:03:35,937
Thank you, Agent Smith.
901
01:03:39,528 --> 01:03:40,278
Taxi!
902
01:03:42,030 --> 01:03:44,280
Hop in! Great day for a ride.
903
01:03:46,285 --> 01:03:47,665
And we all know how this turned out.
904
01:03:50,622 --> 01:03:52,832
Whoops! You weren't meant to see that.
905
01:04:00,799 --> 01:04:02,629
There. All caught up.
906
01:04:10,559 --> 01:04:12,479
We're here.
907
01:04:13,395 --> 01:04:16,475
Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage.
908
01:04:22,738 --> 01:04:24,818
Seltzer water and lemon for blood.
909
01:04:26,992 --> 01:04:29,542
Some kinds of anger can't be managed...
910
01:04:29,578 --> 01:04:34,668
like the kind where your year-long plan
ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered!
911
01:04:35,334 --> 01:04:39,844
That said, when it comes time to licking wounds,
there's no place like home.
912
01:04:40,672 --> 01:04:44,932
And I share that home with someone you've met,
the old blind lady from the laundromat, Al.
913
01:04:45,344 --> 01:04:46,894
God, I miss cocaine.
914
01:04:47,513 --> 01:04:48,223
Her.
915
01:04:49,348 --> 01:04:51,928
Fourth-wall break
inside a fourth-wall break.
916
01:04:52,184 --> 01:04:54,734
That's like 16 walls.
917
01:04:55,270 --> 01:05:00,690
She's like Robin to my Batman,
except she's old, and black, and blind.
918
01:05:00,734 --> 01:05:02,404
And I think she's in love with me.
919
01:05:02,861 --> 01:05:06,241
Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too.
920
01:05:16,250 --> 01:05:17,250
Al?
921
01:05:19,670 --> 01:05:20,920
Morning, sleepyhead.
922
01:05:22,548 --> 01:05:24,718
It smells like old lady pants in here.
923
01:05:24,758 --> 01:05:26,718
Yes, I'm old. I wear pants.
924
01:05:26,760 --> 01:05:28,350
But you're no lady.
925
01:05:29,513 --> 01:05:31,183
So comfy.
926
01:05:31,932 --> 01:05:34,982
Upside of being blind:
I've never seen you in Crocs.
927
01:05:35,018 --> 01:05:36,518
You mean my big,
rubber masturbating shoes?
928
01:05:36,562 --> 01:05:37,522
Yes, I know.
929
01:05:38,063 --> 01:05:40,733
Downside of being blind...
930
01:05:40,774 --> 01:05:42,944
I hear everything in this duplex.
931
01:05:45,279 --> 01:05:46,529
Sit on a stick.
932
01:05:46,572 --> 01:05:47,572
Bactin?
933
01:05:47,614 --> 01:05:51,704
Yeah. Bactin should do it.
934
01:05:52,911 --> 01:05:56,751
How's that Kullen coming along?
IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know.
935
01:05:56,790 --> 01:05:59,750
You're telling me.
I don't mind the Kullen.
936
01:05:59,793 --> 01:06:01,673
It's an improvement on the Hurdal.
937
01:06:02,337 --> 01:06:04,957
Please. Anything's an improvement
over the Hurdal.
938
01:06:05,007 --> 01:06:08,507
I'd have taken an Hemnes
or a Trysil over the Hurdal.
939
01:06:09,636 --> 01:06:11,926
No, I didn't get excited
till I saw the Kullen.
940
01:06:12,264 --> 01:06:13,144
Screw, please.
941
01:06:13,182 --> 01:06:14,562
Here? Now? Just kidding.
942
01:06:14,600 --> 01:06:15,810
I know it's been decades.
943
01:06:15,851 --> 01:06:16,981
You'd be surprised.
944
01:06:17,686 --> 01:06:18,766
Pretty grossed out.
945
01:06:20,772 --> 01:06:23,192
Ta... Da.
946
01:06:28,989 --> 01:06:32,119
I wish I never heard of Craigslist.
947
01:06:32,534 --> 01:06:35,164
And I quote, "Looking for roommate,
blind to life's imperfections.
948
01:06:35,204 --> 01:06:36,334
"Must be good with hands."
949
01:06:36,371 --> 01:06:38,621
Or would you rather
I build the IKEA, and you pay rent?
950
01:06:38,665 --> 01:06:40,535
Why such a douche this morning?
951
01:06:41,293 --> 01:06:42,423
Let's recap.
952
01:06:42,461 --> 01:06:44,801
The cock thistle that turned me into this freak...
953
01:06:44,838 --> 01:06:46,458
slipped through my arms today...
954
01:06:48,133 --> 01:06:49,343
Arm.
955
01:06:49,801 --> 01:06:52,931
Catching him was my only chance to be
hot again, get my super sexy ex back...
956
01:06:52,971 --> 01:06:55,271
and prevent this shit
from happening to someone else.
957
01:06:55,307 --> 01:06:59,057
So, yeah, today was about as much fun
as a sandpaper dildo.
958
01:07:00,979 --> 01:07:02,519
#driveby.
959
01:07:19,998 --> 01:07:21,998
Found out who our friend
in the red suit is.
960
01:07:24,336 --> 01:07:26,206
Fucking Wade Wilson.
961
01:07:27,172 --> 01:07:29,512
Suppose I'd wear a mask, too
if I had a face like that.
962
01:07:30,175 --> 01:07:31,715
I only wish I healed the same.
963
01:07:35,681 --> 01:07:38,481
Still, we'll put him out of our misery.
964
01:07:38,517 --> 01:07:39,767
On our terms.
965
01:07:40,185 --> 01:07:41,935
Right. And when he heals?
966
01:07:42,938 --> 01:07:44,058
He can't.
967
01:07:44,106 --> 01:07:46,686
Not if there's nothing
left of him to heal.
968
01:07:46,733 --> 01:07:50,703
You know, it's funny.
I almost miss the fucker.
969
01:07:52,114 --> 01:07:53,534
I like a challenge.
970
01:07:54,867 --> 01:07:57,037
But he's bad for business.
971
01:07:57,077 --> 01:07:58,787
Now let's go find him.
972
01:08:03,250 --> 01:08:04,670
Tylenol PM?
973
01:08:04,710 --> 01:08:07,210
You can stick that
where you stuck the Bactin.
974
01:08:07,629 --> 01:08:10,049
I raided my stash
of wisdom tooth Percocet...
975
01:08:10,090 --> 01:08:14,050
and I am orbiting
fucking Saturn right now.
976
01:08:16,889 --> 01:08:18,969
But I appreciate the gesture.
977
01:08:19,892 --> 01:08:24,352
Am I crazy,
or is your hand really small?
978
01:08:24,396 --> 01:08:26,146
About the size of a KFC spork.
979
01:08:28,317 --> 01:08:30,527
I get why you're so pissy...
980
01:08:30,569 --> 01:08:33,569
but your mood's never gonna brighten
till you find this woman...
981
01:08:33,614 --> 01:08:35,034
and tell her how you feel.
982
01:08:35,073 --> 01:08:38,453
What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo?
She wouldn't have me.
983
01:08:38,493 --> 01:08:40,203
If you could see me, you'd understand.
984
01:08:40,245 --> 01:08:41,365
Looks aren't everything.
985
01:08:41,413 --> 01:08:42,543
Looks are everything.
986
01:08:42,581 --> 01:08:44,711
You ever heard David Beckham speak?
987
01:08:44,750 --> 01:08:46,750
It's like he mouth-sexed
a can of helium.
988
01:08:47,169 --> 01:08:50,419
Think Ryan Reynolds got this far
on his superior acting method?
989
01:08:50,464 --> 01:08:51,884
Love is blind, Wade.
990
01:08:51,924 --> 01:08:52,594
No.
991
01:08:53,926 --> 01:08:55,176
You're blind.
992
01:08:55,844 --> 01:08:58,764
So, you're just gonna lie there and whimper?
993
01:08:58,805 --> 01:09:00,885
No, I'm gonna wait till this arm
plows through puberty...
994
01:09:00,933 --> 01:09:02,933
and then I'm gonna come up
with a whole new Christmas Day plan.
995
01:09:03,852 --> 01:09:06,522
In the meantime,
you might wanna leave the room.
996
01:09:07,189 --> 01:09:09,609
I bet it feels huge in this hand.
997
01:09:10,943 --> 01:09:13,653
Go, go, go.
998
01:09:14,196 --> 01:09:17,156
So, the doctor says, "The bad news is
you don't have that long to live."
999
01:09:17,199 --> 01:09:18,779
So, the patient says,
"How long do I have?"
1000
01:09:18,825 --> 01:09:20,735
The doctor says, "Five."
1001
01:09:20,786 --> 01:09:22,406
The guy says, "Five what?"
1002
01:09:22,454 --> 01:09:26,334
The doctor says,
"Four, three, two..."
1003
01:09:33,507 --> 01:09:35,047
Can I help you ladies?
1004
01:09:37,636 --> 01:09:38,796
I do hope so.
1005
01:09:43,016 --> 01:09:47,146
I heard you might be able to point me
in the direction of a friend of mine.
1006
01:09:47,688 --> 01:09:48,688
Name of Wade Wilson.
1007
01:09:50,232 --> 01:09:51,362
Sorry.
1008
01:09:51,400 --> 01:09:52,980
I don't know the name.
1009
01:10:00,325 --> 01:10:02,655
Hey, you're not supposed to be
behind the bar.
1010
01:10:06,373 --> 01:10:08,293
I've seen this girl.
1011
01:10:08,333 --> 01:10:10,843
This must be Vanessa.
I've heard so much about you.
1012
01:10:15,591 --> 01:10:17,341
Sweetheart, you might wanna look around.
1013
01:10:17,926 --> 01:10:20,506
This isn't really the place
to do something like that.
1014
01:10:21,930 --> 01:10:23,680
Easy, Angel.
1015
01:10:23,724 --> 01:10:25,104
Put the little man down.
1016
01:10:26,685 --> 01:10:28,435
We have everything we need now.
1017
01:10:28,854 --> 01:10:29,904
You sure?
1018
01:10:30,606 --> 01:10:33,686
You don't want any clothes
that are not monochromatic?
1019
01:10:33,734 --> 01:10:36,404
Have fun at your midnight
showing of Blade II.
1020
01:10:40,073 --> 01:10:41,783
Thanks for having my back, guys.
1021
01:10:46,788 --> 01:10:51,078
Wade, we have a fucking problem.
And by "we," I mean "you."
1022
01:10:51,960 --> 01:10:53,630
I can't believe I'm doing this.
1023
01:10:54,129 --> 01:10:57,009
Is there a word for half afraid,
half angry?
1024
01:10:57,049 --> 01:10:59,179
Yeah, "afrangry," I guess.
1025
01:10:59,218 --> 01:11:01,008
Have you decided what
you're gonna say to her?
1026
01:11:01,053 --> 01:11:02,053
Fuck me!
1027
01:11:02,387 --> 01:11:04,307
Maybe not start with that.
1028
01:11:10,229 --> 01:11:13,519
Hey, coming onto our stage right now...
1029
01:11:13,565 --> 01:11:15,725
give it up for Chastity!
1030
01:11:19,571 --> 01:11:21,911
Or as I like to call her, Irony.
1031
01:11:21,949 --> 01:11:24,079
Better find her fast before numbnuts does.
1032
01:11:24,117 --> 01:11:25,617
How do you know she's in here?
1033
01:11:25,661 --> 01:11:28,791
Because I'm constantly stalking that fox.
1034
01:11:53,772 --> 01:11:57,282
Every time I see her,
it's like the first time...
1035
01:11:58,110 --> 01:12:00,280
Especially from this angle.
1036
01:12:23,802 --> 01:12:27,812
You can't buy love,
but you can rent it for three minutes.
1037
01:12:30,851 --> 01:12:33,521
You weak motherfucker!
1038
01:12:34,313 --> 01:12:35,313
Come on!
1039
01:12:36,523 --> 01:12:39,823
Come on, get it together.
This isn't about me, this is about Vanessa.
1040
01:12:43,989 --> 01:12:45,319
Here we go.
1041
01:12:47,910 --> 01:12:49,490
Maximum effort.
1042
01:12:53,040 --> 01:12:54,170
Vanessa.
1043
01:12:56,668 --> 01:13:00,838
Someone out back asking for you.
Something about an old boyfriend.
1044
01:13:28,200 --> 01:13:29,280
I knew it was you.
1045
01:13:31,119 --> 01:13:33,039
The weird, curvy edges.
1046
01:13:34,623 --> 01:13:36,463
Like a jigsaw puzzle.
1047
01:13:46,552 --> 01:13:48,392
You have Wade Wilson to thank for this.
1048
01:13:57,396 --> 01:13:58,936
Hey. Hey! Where'd she go?
1049
01:13:59,898 --> 01:14:02,438
I saw her head to the back.
Go get her, tiger.
1050
01:14:30,470 --> 01:14:32,220
Motherfucker!
1051
01:14:32,264 --> 01:14:34,604
-Wait, wait. Let's... Just...
-Cock juggling...
1052
01:14:34,641 --> 01:14:36,561
-We can talk about what we're gonna...
-Jiminy! Fuck face!
1053
01:14:36,602 --> 01:14:37,892
Okay, or you can hit that.
1054
01:14:37,936 --> 01:14:39,766
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Fuck! Fuck!
1055
01:14:39,813 --> 01:14:42,483
-No, no. All right. Hey!
-Fuck! Fuck!
1056
01:14:42,941 --> 01:14:43,981
-Fuck!
-Hey.
1057
01:14:45,027 --> 01:14:47,107
Relax. Relax. Okay.
1058
01:14:47,154 --> 01:14:48,494
Okay. I think that’s a good start.
1059
01:14:48,530 --> 01:14:50,620
I'm gonna rip his motherfucking...
1060
01:14:50,657 --> 01:14:51,657
Wait.
1061
01:14:51,700 --> 01:14:53,200
-Find it! Find it.
-What?
1062
01:14:53,243 --> 01:14:54,663
-I'm gonna get angry.
-Okay. All right.
1063
01:14:55,078 --> 01:14:56,868
All right. Okay. All right.
1064
01:14:56,914 --> 01:14:58,254
Here. This is Vanessa.
1065
01:14:58,290 --> 01:15:00,330
-What?
-No, wait. It's Francis.
1066
01:15:00,375 --> 01:15:01,995
He wants you to come to him.
1067
01:15:02,294 --> 01:15:04,464
-What is that?
-That's the shit emoji.
1068
01:15:04,838 --> 01:15:06,968
You know, it's the turd
with the smiling face and the eyes?
1069
01:15:07,007 --> 01:15:09,337
I thought it was chocolate yogurt
for so long.
1070
01:15:10,052 --> 01:15:11,262
I need guns.
1071
01:15:11,303 --> 01:15:12,473
Okay, which ones?
1072
01:15:12,513 --> 01:15:13,643
I need all the guns!
1073
01:15:13,680 --> 01:15:14,890
All right. Okay.
1074
01:15:35,577 --> 01:15:37,037
That's about 3,000 rounds.
1075
01:15:37,996 --> 01:15:40,036
We all know what I can do with 12.
1076
01:15:40,457 --> 01:15:42,667
Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap!
1077
01:15:42,709 --> 01:15:43,789
We're downrange.
1078
01:15:45,254 --> 01:15:48,804
I was gonna spend the night assembling the Börje,
but this is holding my interest.
1079
01:15:49,967 --> 01:15:52,797
I told you, we're going with the Urvaj,
not the Börje.
1080
01:15:52,845 --> 01:15:54,855
Get it through your head
or get out of fuck town.
1081
01:15:54,888 --> 01:15:57,678
Shit. That's all the pieces in the house.
1082
01:15:57,724 --> 01:15:59,484
Nah. Come on. Let's go.
Cough it up.
1083
01:15:59,852 --> 01:16:01,352
Up, up, up.
1084
01:16:02,771 --> 01:16:03,901
Down, down, down.
1085
01:16:03,939 --> 01:16:04,649
Fuck you.
1086
01:16:06,775 --> 01:16:09,485
.45 cal. I like it.
1087
01:16:11,655 --> 01:16:12,915
Wade...
1088
01:16:14,116 --> 01:16:16,826
I'd go with you, but I don't want to.
1089
01:16:21,373 --> 01:16:22,543
Listen, Al...
1090
01:16:23,625 --> 01:16:28,795
if I never see you again, I want you
to know that I love you very much.
1091
01:16:29,715 --> 01:16:34,845
And also, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine
buried somewhere in the apartment...
1092
01:16:34,887 --> 01:16:37,677
right next to the cure for blindness.
Good luck.
1093
01:16:43,187 --> 01:16:44,477
You wanna get fucked up?
1094
01:16:54,573 --> 01:16:56,073
Put her down over here.
1095
01:17:06,293 --> 01:17:07,503
Go on then.
1096
01:17:09,922 --> 01:17:12,512
Thanks, dickless. And I mean you.
1097
01:17:12,966 --> 01:17:16,296
Wow. You're a talker too. You and Wade.
1098
01:17:16,345 --> 01:17:19,605
I've been trying to tell you assholes,
you've got the wrong girl.
1099
01:17:19,640 --> 01:17:21,180
My old boyfriend, he's dead.
1100
01:17:21,225 --> 01:17:24,895
See, I thought that too.
But he keeps on coming back.
1101
01:17:24,937 --> 01:17:26,267
Like a cockroach...
1102
01:17:26,313 --> 01:17:27,613
but uglier.
1103
01:17:28,649 --> 01:17:32,109
Now, I may not feel, but he does.
1104
01:17:33,195 --> 01:17:35,075
Let's see how he fights
with your head on the block.
1105
01:17:43,997 --> 01:17:45,497
Ripley, from Alien 3!
1106
01:17:46,124 --> 01:17:47,964
Fuck, you're old.
1107
01:17:49,628 --> 01:17:52,088
Fake laugh. Hiding real pain.
1108
01:17:52,130 --> 01:17:53,510
Go get Silver Balls.
1109
01:17:53,549 --> 01:17:55,799
You guys going for a bite?
Early bird special?
1110
01:17:55,843 --> 01:17:58,353
Like there's something wrong with
eating before sundown or saving money.
1111
01:17:58,804 --> 01:18:02,144
No, you know that bad guy
that you let go?
1112
01:18:02,724 --> 01:18:04,644
He's got my girl.
1113
01:18:04,685 --> 01:18:06,065
You're gonna help me get her back.
1114
01:18:06,478 --> 01:18:08,308
Wade? Is that you?
1115
01:18:08,355 --> 01:18:12,775
Yeah, it's me, Deadpool,
and I got an offer that you can't refuse.
1116
01:18:15,487 --> 01:18:16,647
I'm gonna wait out here, okay?
1117
01:18:16,697 --> 01:18:18,777
It's a big house.
It's funny that I only ever see two of you.
1118
01:18:18,824 --> 01:18:22,124
It's almost like the studio
couldn't afford another X-Man.
1119
01:18:25,664 --> 01:18:27,124
And that is why, in my opinion...
1120
01:18:27,165 --> 01:18:30,375
the movie Cocoon
is pure pornography.
1121
01:18:30,878 --> 01:18:32,668
Who brought this twinkly man?
1122
01:18:32,713 --> 01:18:34,803
Twinkly, but deadly.
1123
01:18:34,840 --> 01:18:38,890
My chrome-penised friend back there
has agreed to do me this solid.
1124
01:18:39,469 --> 01:18:43,469
In exchange, I said that I would
consider joining his boy band.
1125
01:18:43,515 --> 01:18:44,805
It's not boy band.
1126
01:18:44,850 --> 01:18:45,890
Sure it's not.
1127
01:18:47,227 --> 01:18:48,897
So, any luck winning Gita back?
1128
01:18:49,688 --> 01:18:52,148
I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool...
1129
01:18:52,191 --> 01:18:55,821
but Bandhu is more craftier
and handsomer than me.
1130
01:18:56,486 --> 01:18:58,196
Well, I think you're pretty darn cute.
1131
01:19:04,077 --> 01:19:05,077
Dopinder?
1132
01:19:07,039 --> 01:19:08,039
What was that?
1133
01:19:10,083 --> 01:19:15,713
That was Bandhu in the trunk.
1134
01:19:16,381 --> 01:19:17,671
Ban who?
1135
01:19:17,716 --> 01:19:20,506
My romantic rival Bandhu.
He's tied up in the trunk.
1136
01:19:20,552 --> 01:19:22,222
I'm doing as you said, DP.
1137
01:19:22,262 --> 01:19:26,062
I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish,
then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep.
1138
01:19:27,392 --> 01:19:29,062
I did not tell him to do that.
1139
01:19:29,102 --> 01:19:31,812
Absolutely not.
It got lost in translation.
1140
01:19:31,855 --> 01:19:35,065
Dopinder, this is no way
to win Gita's heart back!
1141
01:19:35,108 --> 01:19:36,228
I'm so proud of you.
1142
01:19:36,276 --> 01:19:38,566
Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle-like.
1143
01:19:38,612 --> 01:19:39,532
Kill him.
1144
01:19:39,571 --> 01:19:41,701
And then, win Gita back...
1145
01:19:41,740 --> 01:19:44,530
the old fashioned way:
with your boyish charm.
1146
01:19:44,576 --> 01:19:45,906
Kidnap her.
1147
01:19:47,454 --> 01:19:48,624
He's super dead.
1148
01:19:54,086 --> 01:19:55,706
I presume a crisp high five?
1149
01:19:55,754 --> 01:19:57,094
For you? 10.
1150
01:19:58,590 --> 01:20:01,380
Okay, guys, let's get out there
and make a difference.
1151
01:20:01,426 --> 01:20:03,296
You know what to do.
1152
01:20:04,263 --> 01:20:06,893
Knock 'em dead, Pool Boy!
1153
01:20:08,100 --> 01:20:10,100
Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas.
1154
01:20:11,603 --> 01:20:13,233
Not often a dude ruins your face...
1155
01:20:13,272 --> 01:20:16,232
skull-stomps your sanity,
grabs your future baby mama...
1156
01:20:16,275 --> 01:20:20,455
and personally sees to four
of your five shittiest moments.
1157
01:20:20,487 --> 01:20:24,657
Let's just say, it's beginning to look
a lot like Christmas.
1158
01:20:37,629 --> 01:20:38,959
Hey.
1159
01:20:39,006 --> 01:20:40,296
Where's your duffle bag?
1160
01:20:59,151 --> 01:21:00,571
Bandhu?
1161
01:21:02,112 --> 01:21:04,242
Leave a message and have a happy day.
1162
01:21:04,281 --> 01:21:05,621
God damn it!
1163
01:21:05,657 --> 01:21:07,367
I'm gonna do this the old fashioned way...
1164
01:21:07,409 --> 01:21:10,829
with two swords and maximum effort.
1165
01:21:11,830 --> 01:21:12,830
Cue the music.
1166
01:21:29,014 --> 01:21:31,474
Wade Wilson!
1167
01:21:32,017 --> 01:21:33,637
What's my name?
1168
01:21:34,269 --> 01:21:35,849
I'mma fuckin' spell it out for ya.
1169
01:21:38,190 --> 01:21:39,270
Go get some.
1170
01:21:39,316 --> 01:21:40,476
Superhero landing.
1171
01:21:40,526 --> 01:21:42,526
She's gonna do a superhero landing.
Wait for it.
1172
01:21:47,157 --> 01:21:48,317
Superhero landing!
1173
01:21:48,867 --> 01:21:49,947
You know, that's really hard
on your knees.
1174
01:21:50,285 --> 01:21:51,695
Totally impractical. They all do it.
1175
01:21:52,204 --> 01:21:55,504
You're a lovely lady,
but I'm saving myself for Francis.
1176
01:21:55,541 --> 01:21:56,751
That's why I brought him.
1177
01:21:56,792 --> 01:22:00,002
I prefer not to hit a woman,
so please...
1178
01:22:07,219 --> 01:22:10,309
I mean, that's why I brought her?
1179
01:22:11,849 --> 01:22:14,019
Oh, no, finish your tweet.
It's not... That's...
1180
01:22:14,059 --> 01:22:15,639
Just give us a second. Yeah.
1181
01:22:15,686 --> 01:22:17,016
There you go. Hashtag it.
1182
01:22:18,397 --> 01:22:20,227
Go get her, tiger.
1183
01:22:26,905 --> 01:22:30,655
I so pity the dude who pressures
her into prom sex.
1184
01:22:31,368 --> 01:22:32,908
All right, then. Fire!
1185
01:22:44,673 --> 01:22:46,303
Finish fucking her the fuck up!
1186
01:22:46,341 --> 01:22:47,381
Language, please.
1187
01:22:47,426 --> 01:22:48,586
Suck a cock.
1188
01:23:14,620 --> 01:23:16,290
Look away, child.
1189
01:23:17,039 --> 01:23:18,369
Look away!
1190
01:23:25,714 --> 01:23:27,054
Wait!
1191
01:23:27,090 --> 01:23:28,260
Wait!
1192
01:23:28,300 --> 01:23:29,300
Cease fire!
1193
01:23:29,343 --> 01:23:30,683
Cease fire!
1194
01:23:30,719 --> 01:23:32,179
Fellas! Hey! Hey!
1195
01:23:33,555 --> 01:23:37,265
You only work
for that shit-spackled muppet fart.
1196
01:23:37,309 --> 01:23:41,349
So, I'mma give you a chance
for y'all to lay down your firearms...
1197
01:23:41,396 --> 01:23:44,396
in exchange for preferential,
bordering on gentle...
1198
01:23:44,441 --> 01:23:47,901
possibly even lover-like treatment.
1199
01:23:49,947 --> 01:23:51,237
Fine.
1200
01:23:51,281 --> 01:23:52,201
Commando!
1201
01:25:04,396 --> 01:25:05,306
Teabag!
1202
01:25:09,902 --> 01:25:10,862
Bob?
1203
01:25:11,945 --> 01:25:12,895
Wade?
1204
01:25:12,946 --> 01:25:14,236
Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since...
1205
01:25:14,281 --> 01:25:16,571
-Jacksonville. Fridays.
-Since TGI Fridays.
1206
01:25:17,367 --> 01:25:19,077
Well, what the hell!
1207
01:25:19,661 --> 01:25:21,161
God, come here, you.
1208
01:25:23,332 --> 01:25:25,292
How are the kids? Good?
1209
01:25:25,834 --> 01:25:27,754
And Gail?
She's still fixing that tuna casserole?
1210
01:25:27,794 --> 01:25:30,594
So good! But bad for the waistline,
if you know what I'm talking about.
1211
01:25:37,304 --> 01:25:40,644
Your... On the left.
You are beautiful woman.
1212
01:25:40,682 --> 01:25:41,732
That is so sweet.
1213
01:25:43,185 --> 01:25:44,105
Thanks.
1214
01:25:56,365 --> 01:25:59,955
Does he write you notes too?
He's such a romantic.
1215
01:26:00,327 --> 01:26:01,697
Don't worry, baby. I'm comin'.
1216
01:26:03,330 --> 01:26:04,120
Fire!
1217
01:26:11,713 --> 01:26:13,173
Hey!
1218
01:26:13,507 --> 01:26:14,467
Climb on!
1219
01:26:51,503 --> 01:26:53,053
Motherfucking...
1220
01:27:04,433 --> 01:27:06,893
Motherfucker should have worn
his brown pants.
1221
01:27:09,688 --> 01:27:10,858
You were right, beautiful.
1222
01:27:11,732 --> 01:27:13,442
Red really is my color.
1223
01:27:14,359 --> 01:27:15,319
Wade?
1224
01:27:15,360 --> 01:27:16,240
Don't worry, baby...
1225
01:27:16,695 --> 01:27:18,695
I'mma get you out of that shit-box.
1226
01:27:19,198 --> 01:27:21,408
What better way to crawl back inside
that head of yours?
1227
01:27:21,450 --> 01:27:23,370
Oh, you never left.
1228
01:27:23,410 --> 01:27:25,540
But you did, asshole!
1229
01:27:25,579 --> 01:27:27,039
Deep breath, darling.
1230
01:27:28,582 --> 01:27:29,712
Oh, wait.
1231
01:27:30,834 --> 01:27:32,384
Wrong choice of words.
1232
01:27:34,588 --> 01:27:37,468
I hope they blocked pain
to your every last nerve.
1233
01:27:37,508 --> 01:27:38,588
'Cause I'mma go lookin'!
1234
01:27:40,010 --> 01:27:42,050
I hear you grow back body parts now,
Wade.
1235
01:27:42,554 --> 01:27:43,434
When I'm finished...
1236
01:27:43,680 --> 01:27:45,520
parts will have to grow back you.
1237
01:27:45,557 --> 01:27:46,677
Good one.
1238
01:27:47,601 --> 01:27:49,521
Yep, that was a good one.
1239
01:27:49,561 --> 01:27:50,521
Let's dance.
1240
01:27:51,897 --> 01:27:53,147
And by dance, I mean...
1241
01:27:53,190 --> 01:27:54,270
let's try to kill each other.
1242
01:28:48,954 --> 01:28:51,164
Fine. Fists.
1243
01:28:51,456 --> 01:28:53,286
Sounds like your last Saturday night.
1244
01:30:15,207 --> 01:30:17,287
Asshole!
1245
01:31:13,640 --> 01:31:14,640
Hang in there, baby!
1246
01:31:15,142 --> 01:31:17,102
-Wade!
-I gotcha!
1247
01:31:20,522 --> 01:31:22,482
I got a plan. You're not gonna like it.
1248
01:31:33,118 --> 01:31:34,238
Shit! Shit! Shit!
1249
01:31:40,209 --> 01:31:42,709
Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this.
1250
01:31:58,727 --> 01:31:59,807
Damn it!
1251
01:32:00,729 --> 01:32:03,609
Maximum effort!
1252
01:32:45,941 --> 01:32:46,941
Thanks.
1253
01:32:51,864 --> 01:32:53,534
Just take it slow.
1254
01:33:03,959 --> 01:33:06,589
Oh, my God! That was so...
1255
01:33:37,618 --> 01:33:39,198
There are no words!
1256
01:33:40,245 --> 01:33:43,865
Me and you are headed
to fix this butterface.
1257
01:33:44,625 --> 01:33:45,635
What?
1258
01:33:48,170 --> 01:33:50,880
You stupid fucking idiot.
1259
01:33:51,423 --> 01:33:55,973
Did you really think
there was a cure... for that?
1260
01:33:57,888 --> 01:33:58,808
What?
1261
01:33:59,264 --> 01:34:00,354
You heard me.
1262
01:34:02,142 --> 01:34:03,312
No.
1263
01:34:03,352 --> 01:34:04,602
No!
1264
01:34:11,777 --> 01:34:14,777
So, you mean to say...
1265
01:34:15,572 --> 01:34:19,832
after all this, you can't fix me?
1266
01:34:20,410 --> 01:34:22,540
It sounds even stupider when you say it.
1267
01:34:22,579 --> 01:34:27,669
Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do
the one thing I'm keeping him alive for?
1268
01:34:31,505 --> 01:34:33,345
Any last words?
1269
01:34:35,217 --> 01:34:36,297
What's my name?
1270
01:34:37,427 --> 01:34:38,717
Who fucking cares?
1271
01:34:38,762 --> 01:34:39,552
Wade!
1272
01:34:41,181 --> 01:34:43,561
Four or five moments.
1273
01:34:44,142 --> 01:34:45,142
I'm sorry?
1274
01:34:45,185 --> 01:34:47,555
Four or five moments,
that's all it takes.
1275
01:34:48,272 --> 01:34:49,152
To?
1276
01:34:50,315 --> 01:34:51,645
Be a hero.
1277
01:34:53,652 --> 01:34:56,402
Everyone thinks it's a full-time job.
1278
01:34:56,446 --> 01:35:00,026
Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero,
go to work a hero.
1279
01:35:00,826 --> 01:35:02,616
Not true.
1280
01:35:02,661 --> 01:35:07,831
Over a lifetime, there are only four
or five moments that really matter.
1281
01:35:08,208 --> 01:35:10,708
Moments when you're offered a choice.
1282
01:35:10,752 --> 01:35:14,922
To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw,
save a friend...
1283
01:35:15,716 --> 01:35:18,336
spare an enemy.
1284
01:35:18,760 --> 01:35:20,140
In these moments...
1285
01:35:20,929 --> 01:35:23,809
everything else falls away.
1286
01:35:24,516 --> 01:35:27,056
The way the world sees us.
1287
01:35:27,436 --> 01:35:28,436
The way we...
1288
01:35:32,691 --> 01:35:33,691
Why?
1289
01:35:34,943 --> 01:35:36,993
You were droning on.
1290
01:35:37,029 --> 01:35:40,069
Sure, I may be stuck
looking like pepperoni flatbread...
1291
01:35:40,115 --> 01:35:42,905
but at least fuckface won't heal from that.
1292
01:35:43,160 --> 01:35:45,790
If wearing superhero tights...
1293
01:35:46,246 --> 01:35:47,706
means sparing psychopaths...
1294
01:35:47,748 --> 01:35:49,918
then maybe I wasn't meant to wear 'em.
1295
01:35:49,958 --> 01:35:52,418
Not everyone monitors a hall like you.
1296
01:35:52,461 --> 01:35:53,631
Just promise...
1297
01:35:53,670 --> 01:35:57,420
Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the lookout
for the next four moments.
1298
01:35:57,466 --> 01:35:59,086
Oh, shit.
1299
01:35:59,134 --> 01:36:05,104
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just a boy,
about to stand in front of a girl...
1300
01:36:05,140 --> 01:36:06,470
and tell her...
1301
01:36:06,517 --> 01:36:08,597
What the fuck am I gonna tell her?
1302
01:36:08,644 --> 01:36:11,904
Well, you better figure it out.
1303
01:36:13,357 --> 01:36:14,647
I can't even tell you...
1304
01:36:14,691 --> 01:36:15,781
I deserved that. That, too.
1305
01:36:16,527 --> 01:36:18,277
No, no, no, maybe not the nethers.
1306
01:36:18,320 --> 01:36:20,110
Start talking!
1307
01:36:22,157 --> 01:36:23,737
I'm sorry.
1308
01:36:23,992 --> 01:36:25,452
I'm so sorry.
1309
01:36:26,286 --> 01:36:28,826
For everything,
I'm sorry for leaving...
1310
01:36:30,332 --> 01:36:32,422
I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner.
1311
01:36:32,459 --> 01:36:34,539
It's been rough couple of years.
1312
01:36:34,586 --> 01:36:35,246
Rough?
1313
01:36:43,053 --> 01:36:44,893
I live in a crackhouse.
1314
01:36:46,139 --> 01:36:47,469
With a family of 12.
1315
01:36:49,226 --> 01:36:50,766
Every night we spoon for warmth.
1316
01:36:50,811 --> 01:36:53,861
Everybody fights for Noelle.
She's the fattest.
1317
01:36:53,897 --> 01:36:59,737
There's nothing that we don't share.
Floor space, dental floss, even condoms.
1318
01:37:07,870 --> 01:37:10,040
So, you live in a house.
1319
01:37:18,881 --> 01:37:21,841
I should have come and found you sooner.
1320
01:37:23,302 --> 01:37:27,262
But, baby, the guy under this mask,
he ain't the same one that you remember.
1321
01:37:31,643 --> 01:37:32,853
You mean this mask?
1322
01:37:52,998 --> 01:37:54,578
And this one.
1323
01:37:56,043 --> 01:37:57,843
In case the other fell off.
1324
01:38:00,797 --> 01:38:03,087
All right. Yeah, just...
1325
01:38:03,133 --> 01:38:04,843
Like a Band-Aid, just give it a...
1326
01:38:04,885 --> 01:38:07,105
Owdie 5,000.
1327
01:38:07,137 --> 01:38:08,097
Wait, wait, wait...
1328
01:38:10,057 --> 01:38:11,307
Are you sure?
1329
01:38:13,185 --> 01:38:14,195
I'm sure.
1330
01:38:24,696 --> 01:38:25,566
Wow.
1331
01:38:26,949 --> 01:38:28,069
Yeah.
1332
01:38:34,998 --> 01:38:36,328
Hey...
1333
01:38:38,585 --> 01:38:40,335
After a brief adjustment period...
1334
01:38:40,879 --> 01:38:42,799
and a bunch of drinks...
1335
01:38:44,216 --> 01:38:46,176
it's a face...
1336
01:38:50,639 --> 01:38:52,269
I'd be happy to sit on.
1337
01:38:59,731 --> 01:39:03,441
I'm not the same
underneath this suit, either.
1338
01:39:03,485 --> 01:39:04,275
No.
1339
01:39:04,820 --> 01:39:06,780
Super-penis.
1340
01:39:06,822 --> 01:39:08,702
Come on, Wade. Language.
1341
01:39:08,949 --> 01:39:10,329
Young one is present.
1342
01:39:11,410 --> 01:39:13,290
What are you still doing?
1343
01:39:13,328 --> 01:39:16,038
Get out of here.
Go make yourself useful!
1344
01:39:16,081 --> 01:39:18,881
You, go be a really big brother
to someone.
1345
01:39:18,917 --> 01:39:20,667
Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn.
1346
01:39:20,711 --> 01:39:22,671
And you, chicken noodle...
1347
01:39:22,713 --> 01:39:24,513
nothing compares to you.
1348
01:39:24,548 --> 01:39:26,628
Sinéad O'Connor, 1990. Sorry.
1349
01:39:26,675 --> 01:39:29,385
That's all right. You're cool.
1350
01:39:31,305 --> 01:39:33,015
What in the ass?
1351
01:39:33,056 --> 01:39:36,096
That was not mean!
I'm proud of you!
1352
01:39:36,518 --> 01:39:39,688
We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade.
1353
01:39:39,730 --> 01:39:42,860
For a second there, it felt like
we were three mini-lion robots...
1354
01:39:42,900 --> 01:39:45,110
coming together to form one super robot.
1355
01:39:45,986 --> 01:39:47,196
There's a stupid.
1356
01:39:47,237 --> 01:39:48,277
Yeah.
1357
01:39:51,742 --> 01:39:56,122
And now, for the moment
I've all been waiting for.
1358
01:39:59,875 --> 01:40:01,005
Come here.
1359
01:40:10,886 --> 01:40:13,846
Wham! As promised.
1360
01:40:26,902 --> 01:40:28,072
See?
1361
01:40:28,111 --> 01:40:31,701
You don't need to be a superhero
to get the girl.
1362
01:40:31,740 --> 01:40:34,620
The right girl will bring out the hero in you.
1363
01:40:35,118 --> 01:40:38,618
Now, let's finish this epic wide shot.
Pull out.
1364
01:40:38,664 --> 01:40:40,254
There we go, that looks nice.
1365
01:40:40,290 --> 01:40:42,670
That's gonna be about the only thing
that's pulling out tonight.
1366
01:40:42,709 --> 01:40:46,089
Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh?
1367
01:40:46,129 --> 01:40:49,969
Till next time, this is your friendly
neighborhood pool guy singing...
1368
01:40:50,008 --> 01:40:55,888
I'm never gonna dance again
the way I danced with you
1369
01:47:05,843 --> 01:47:07,393
You're still here?
1370
01:47:10,013 --> 01:47:13,063
It's over. Go home.
1371
01:47:14,726 --> 01:47:19,056
You're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2.
Well, we don't have that kind of money.
1372
01:47:20,107 --> 01:47:23,147
What are you expecting?
Sam Jackson to show up?
1373
01:47:23,193 --> 01:47:25,863
With an eye patch
and a saucy little leather number?
1374
01:47:25,904 --> 01:47:27,534
Go. Go.
1375
01:47:33,787 --> 01:47:36,327
But I can tell you one thing,
and it's a bit of a secret.
1376
01:47:36,373 --> 01:47:39,583
For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable.
1377
01:47:39,626 --> 01:47:42,046
Amazing character.
Bionic arm, time travel.
1378
01:47:42,087 --> 01:47:44,377
We have no idea who we're gonna
cast yet, but it could be anybody.
1379
01:47:44,423 --> 01:47:47,723
Just need a big guy with a flat top.
Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren...
1380
01:47:47,759 --> 01:47:50,259
Keira Knightley. She's got range.
Who knows.
1381
01:47:50,304 --> 01:47:51,724
Anyway, big secret.
1382
01:47:51,763 --> 01:47:56,273
And don't leave your garbage all lying around.
It's a total dick move.
1383
01:47:57,227 --> 01:48:41,687
Go.
94125
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