All language subtitles for A.Bad.Moms.Christmas.2017.720p.BluRay.x264-[YTS.AG]

I'm Amy Mitchell And this
year, I ruined Christmas.

Christmas is by far

the most stressful time
of the year for moms.

There are
a million things to do.

And you have to do them all perfectly or
else you will never forgive yourself.

And more importantly,
neither will your kids.

I literally feel like the worst
mom in the world right now.

Maybe I should
start at the beginning.

I've always loved Christmas.

It's my favorite time
of the year.

Most of all, I love
the time with my family.

Because all I want,
all any mom wants,

is for their kids to have
an amazing Christmas.

That said, Christmas
is an insane amount of work.

First, you have to buy gifts
for every human being

you've ever met.

I gave my coffee guy
a scented candle this year.

Why did I do that?

Then you have to decorate your house.
Which, clearly, I suck at.

I'm doing the best I can,
Charmaine!

Then you have to go to all
your kids' Christmas shows,

which are...

Yeah.

Then there's all the
over-the-top Christmas parties.

Oh, my God.
Are these lobster Santa hats?

Are these a thing now?
What the fuck?

Then there's all the cooking,
all the cleaning,

all the wrapping, It's insane.

There's just never enough time.

- Hi, Mom.
- Hey, Mom.

- Hey. How was the game?
- Hey.

- It was great. The Bulls won.
- Yes.

Congratulations.
Yes!

Hi, honey.
How are you, baby?

Wow. Your house
looks really great.

Oh, thank you.

I still got
lots left to do, but...

Can I do anything to help?

No. Not unless you know how to
magically fix Christmas lights.

Yeah, yeah, I can do that.

Yeah, you just swap out
the fuse. It's pretty easy.

That's pretty hot.
I won't lie.

Oh, you're definitely getting the
gold-star treatment tonight.

- I like that, but hold that thought.
- Okay.

Oh.

Your dad is awesome.

I thought you hated him.

What? No, honey,
why would you say that?

When you came over
to the house last week,

I heard you and Daddy in the bedroom
and you kept screaming at him.

Oh...

Yeah, no, honey, those were...
Those were happy screams.

They didn't sound happy.

And then you punched the
wall and yelled the f-word.

Okay, I, um, yeah, I don't
really recall doing that so...

Yeah, I don't know
if that happened.

You did. You were like,

"Oh, my fucking God!"

Just like that

"Oh, my fucking God!"
Okay, all right.

Urn...
Here's the thing,

your clad and I were just playing
a fun little grown-up game.

You played the game seven times.

Six and a half.
But who's counting?

Here's the thing,
let's just not...

Just not talk
about this. Cool?

Cool. Got it.
High-five.

Awesome.

Oh, no.

What is it?

My mother's coming
for Christmas.

Oh, my fucking God!

Thanks for helping me
decorate the tree, guys.

Bernard, let's hang 'em
on the tree, okay, buddy?

Oh. Who put the big brown ornament
right on the front of the tree?

It looks like doodie.

Yes, it does, baby, and that's why
Mommy's gonna move it around back.

Oh, no, sweetie, we don't
drink the tree water.

We don't drink the tree water

'cause we're people, right?

Mommy, is there a Santa Claus?

You bet there is, buddy.

I know.

Are you lying to me, Mommy?

Oh, God. Make it stop.

What else have you lied about?

Hey, babe.
Hey, Dad.

Hi, guys.
Hi.

You all right?
Yeah.

Tree looks great.
Thank you.

Want me to feed the twins?
Yes, please.

- Hey, buddy. Good to see you.
- Thank you.

Let's get some food.
It's okay, buddy.

Oh, it's all right.

Merry Christmas, Kiki!

Mom! Hi...
Oh, my gosh.

I thought you weren't coming
until Friday.

Well, I just hopped
on an earlier flight.

Three days earlier?

Oh. I haven't made up the
guest bedroom or anything. So...

That's okay. I'll just sleep with you.
Big spoon, little spoon.

I usually sleep
with my husband now.

Hey' you wanna see
the sweatshirt I made?

I love this picture.

And look, you were just getting
your little tiny breasts.

Well, one of 'em anyway.

You just got here, let's
not talk about my breasts.

- Then the other one popped out.
- Yeah.

Thank goodness!
Oh, Keeks!

If you play your cards right,

you could get a sweatshirt
just like this for Christmas.

Oh, no.

Oh, Kiki Dee.
I cannot wait

to spend every waking minute of
the next three weeks with you.

Mmm.
Oh!

Mmm...

Are you smelling my hair?

Yes.

Oh, my God.

If I have to wax one more pussy
today, I'm gonna black out.

Since when did every woman in America need
a completely hairless vagina on Christmas?

Anyone else here for a wax?

Oh, my God,
that's like 50 more vaginas.

Okay, who's next?

Oh. No, not you, Sasquatch,
I can't handle you right now.

Hmm. Let's see.

Oh. You. Betty White.

I'm intrigued.
Come with me.

Hey, what's up, lady?

Mom? Wait, what the actual fuck?

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

My God!
Oh» my God!

You didn't tell me you
were coming for Christmas.

It's Christmas?

Yeah, isn't that why you're here?
'Cause it's...

Totally! Totally why I'm here.
Merry Christmas, lady.

Merry Christmas.
Jesus, look at you!

You bitch, you don't age at all.
Look how fucking hot you look!

Look at those boobs!

Oh, thanks.
You're lookin' little bit older.

But good, you look good.

What's it been,
like three years?

Three? Whoa, really?

Oh, gosh. I don't know, babe. I
don't really know what year it is.

Why are you wearing
black pajamas?

Oh. No, yeah, I, uh,

work at a spa.

You have a fucking job?

Yeah. Yeah.

I'm tryin' be
more responsible and shit.

Oh, you always were so weird.

So why are you really here, Mom?

What do you mean?

Well, you only come
when you need money.

Oh. No, no, no.
I don't gamble anymore.

No, I'm just here to
see my daughter on Easter.

Christmas.
Christmas.

So I think we should celebrate.

I know. Thunder Down Under
is playing by the airport.

I think we should hit that hard.

Male strippers?
Yeah.

With my mother?
Mmm-hmm.

On Christmas?
Yeah.

How could I say no!

Let's go slap
some wieners, bitch.

All right! That's my girl!

Oh, my God. Jaxon is gonna
shit himself when he sees you.

Still got that kid, huh?
Yup, yup.

How old is he now?

Uh, 15 to 17.

Oh, cute, cute.
Yeah.

So your mom and dad have never
been here on Christmas before?

Uh. No, no.

Okay, wait. Do you think
that I made enough food?

Seriously?
I can make quiche.

I'm gonna go make quiche.
Babe, everything's gonna be fine.

No, honey,
it's not gonna be fine.

My mom is the most critical
human being on the planet.

When I was six years old,
I made her a birthday card

and she returned it with notes.

Okay, that's fucked up.

The point is, she's perfect at everything
and she is impossible to please.

If she's impossible to please,
why're you trying so hard to please her?

Listen, I'll tell you the truth.

Daughters spend their whole lives
trying to please their mothers

and mothers spend their whole lives
shitting all over their daughters.

It's just how the world works.
Okay?

I can't fix that.
I'm not fucking Beyoncé.

Well, you are to me.

Ugh.
I love you.

I love you.
Mmm.

Okay.

You think your mom's
gonna like me'?

I'm sorry we're late,
Hank drives like a girl.

Merry Christmas, Grandma and Grandpa!
Merry Christmas, Grandpa!

Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas, Dad!

Here, have some Xboxes.

Are you serious?
Thank you so much!

Mom would never let us have these.
Thank you.

Hi, Ms. Redmond, I'm Jessie.
So nice to meet you.

Please take the bags upstairs.
Gracias.

Okay. Hi, Mom.

Amy. You look pale.
Hi.

Oh. I'm just trying out
a new skin thing.

Oh, good, it's just bad makeup.
You're not dying.

Where's your tree?

I haven't had time
to get one yet.

Amy, it's December 19th.

Even the Jews have
Christmas trees by now.

Never mind, we'll get one tomorrow.
Okay.

Huh... Yeah.

Do you have any food? I
haven't eaten in three days.

Yeah. Oh, gosh, yes.
I have all your favorites.

It's adorable.
You let your kids cook.

Okay.

Oh, I didn't know Rite Aid
made Christmas decorations.

So I have the whole week planned out.
On Thursday, we'll see The Nutcracker.

And then, of course, on Friday,
we'll all go caroling.

Unfortunately, Mike was our
baritone and you're divorcing him

so we're gonna have to fill that hole if
we're gonna win the Caroling Cup this year.

Oh, God, the Caroling Cup?

Darling, when I lived here, we
won the Caroling Cup nine times.

And it's too bad you've given up on
our family's tradition of winning.

Yeah, I guess I've just
been a little busy, so...

Well, clearly not at the gym.
Whoop.

I want to celebrate my
triumphant return to Chicago.

I wanna throw an enormous
Christmas party at your house.

I was thinking Christmas Eve,
if that's convenient?

What? No.
That's not convenient.

I mean, we can invite
all of my old friends

and we can have a sushi station,

and we can hire Kenny G
to play Christmas music.

I hear he's not even
that expensive anymore.

Yeah, okay.
That sounds like a lot of work.

Yeah. It's too bad
I've already invited everyone.

Where, to my house?
Yes, 184 people are coming.

What?

Why haven't I gotten a
Christmas card from you yet?

I don't know, Mom.
I guess it just fell through the cracks.

What is happening with you'?

Nothing.
Nothing's happening to me.

Amy, this is Christmas.
It's the big show.

I know.
You can't dick around.

- I'm not dicking around.
- I really feel like you're clicking around.

- Mom, I'm honestly not dicking around.
- Yes.

Yes, you are dicking around.
I can tell when you're dicking around.

- I'm not dicking around.
- Dick, dick, dick around.

Okay. Okay.

I'm not dicking around.

All right, enough with the bad language.
Okay.

I like your hair.

Really?
Yeah, it looks like you're not trying so hard.

Yeah. Love you.

I can't do Christmas
with my mother.

It's like living
with Saddam Hussein.

My mom is only staying with me because
I think she wants to steal my TV.

Oh, I have to go Christmas tree
shopping with my mother tonight.

Oh. Mmm-mmm.
Yeah, it's like going on

a seven-hour death march
around the city.

My daughter really wants
a Happy Happy Princess Doll,

and I have looked
everywhere for it

and I don't know where it is.

Where is she, guys?

Where is Happy Happy Princess?

Oh, my God.

I know it's just
a doll but, God,

- Christmas is killing me this year.
- Oh!

Holy fuck.

Hi, princess! Oh!

I can't do this shit sober.

Me neither.

You guys wanna get drunk
at the food court?

Fuck yeah!
Yeah.

Come on, come on.
Oh, fun!

My bodysnoot unsnapped.

You guys, you know
what drives me crazy?

Genital warts?
What?

Genital warts?
No.

Carla, no. No, what drives
me crazy is the pressure

that we put on ourselves to
make Christmas perfect, Guys.

Oh.
Christmas is supposed to be fun.

Yes! Why am I responsible
for getting every gift

for everyone
in my entire family?

Ugh!
I mean, just 'cause I'm a girl?

Yeah.
It's 2017.

I thought so. Why can't my husband
buy presents for his own mom?

I don't even like his mom.

She blames her farts on my kids.

You know what I do
with my big dumb son?

Every November,
I just go into his room

grab a bunch of random crap,
wrap it up,

- give it to him on Christmas. He doesn't even notice.
- Seriously?

Oh, my God, I've given him the same
baseball glove like nine times.

And how lame are the gifts
that your family gives you?

I spend months picking out the perfect
gift for everyone in my family

and all lever get is coupons
for free back rubs.

Oh, that's so wrong.

You know what my son gave me
last year for Christmas?

A box of Ziploc baggies.

Think I'll probably just

wrap it up and give it back
to him again this Christmas.

You guys, I'm just like a giant stress
ball from November to New Year's.

I just wanna
enjoy Christmas again.

Yeah.

Well, then let's doll.

What?

Guys, what is wrong with us?

Have we learned nothing?
This is bullshit.

I am disappointed
in this threesome.

We are mothers.

And if things are not going
our way, then what do we do?

We hide in the bathroom.

No.
No.

No, we don't do that
Mmm-mmm.

We... No. We stand up and we fight back.
Fight back.

Yes. So if we wanna do
Christmas our way this year

then we're gonna
do Christmas our way.

No more perfect gifts,
no more perfect decorations,

no more perfect anything.
Fuck it.

Let's take Christmas back.

Let's put the “ass"
back in "Christmass."

What?

That didn't come out exactly as I
planned, but you guys get what...

- Yeah, we know what you meant.
- Yeah. We getcha.

Okay, okay.
To taking Christmas back.

Yes!

Merry Christmas!

Ooh, samples! Samples.

What?
Yeah.

Now it's gonna be better.

Now it's gonna
be better. Whoa!

Okay. Who's next?

Hey. Do you know which one
is better for the vagina?

Attention, shoppers!
Excuse me.

I am drunk and horny.

I repeat, I am drunk and horny.

I'm so sorry.

Ma'am you need to...
Go! Go, go, go!

Oh, shit. Wait, you guys.
Wait, wait, wait...

I still have to go Christmas
tree shopping with my mom.

I just had a really dumb idea.

All right, guys. Here.

Ooh, you got some popcorn.
I got extra.

Yes! You guys ready?

Yeah. Okay.
Look at that.

This is really nice, Mom.

Yeah. We should do
all of Christmas like this.

Yeah, can we just hang out together
and skip all the annoying stuff?

Yeah, you guys, I would
actually really like that.

Hey, Jessie. You should
come over on Christmas.

Um...
I don't know. It's kind of a big deal.

I wouldn't want to impose.

Don't be weird, Dad.

We'll be here.

Is that okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I would
actually love that.

Me, too.
Okay.

Good evening, everyone...

What in God's name is that?

That is our new Christmas tree.

I got it at Lady Foot Locker.
Do you like it?

No, I don't, Amy.
I find it revolting.

What is this thing doing in your house?

I didn't wanna waste time
tree shopping this year.

I actually wanted
to enjoy Christmas.

Amy, you are a mom.

Moms don't enjoy, they give joy.

That's how being a mom works.

And this hideous tree
does not give joy to anybody.

I don't know, I kind of like it.

Thank you.
Yeah.

Who are you,
and why are you talking?

Mom. Please be nice.
This is Jessie. You met him.

I'm tired of this conversation.

But if you think for one second I'm
gonna let your lazy shenanigans

ruin Christmas for this entire family,
you are very much mistaken.

Good night, dear children.
Here, have some iTunes gift cards.

Mom, seriously, you have to stop
giving them gifts. Oh, my God!

Thanks, Grandma.

Honey, did you see these ornaments?
They are all little shoes.

I swear to God, Hank.
I will drive you to a fire station,

and I will leave you there.

Hi.
Hi.

How was your night?

So good.
Yeah?

Yeah.

Mmm.

Mmm.

You taste like grape soda.

I know. I had a Welch's
right before bed.

Bless you.

Mom!

Hi, guys.

What are you doing in here?

Well, I just came in here to watch
you fall asleep like I always do,

and then you started going
at it like monkeys in a zoo.

You watch me
fall asleep every night?

Well, except after Blue Bloods.
I know that's your special intercourse night.

Oh, honey.

I'm so glad to see you
have such a vibrant sex life.

It's so important for you and
Kent to just bang each other.

And, Kent, I am so happy

that you're able to get an erection again.
Yay!

And, Kiki, he's so much
bigger than your clad was.

Okay, Mom. Thanks. You can go before my
husband never has sex with me again.

Yup.

Oh, and, honey, your dad liked
it when I tickled his balls.

God. Okay.
You need to stop talking.

I'm gonna come check
on you guys in a little while.

Oh, please don't.

Oh, wow.

You need to talk to your mom.
I know.

She needs some boundaries.
Or, at least, a boundary.

I know. I just...

I don't wanna hurt her feelings.

And, you know,
ever since my dad died,

I'm, like, pretty much
her only family, so,

I'm worried that if I push
her away even a little,

that it's gonna break her heart.

She saw my boner, Kiki.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. What the...

What the fuck.

Okay, bring the French hens
three inches to the left.

Yeah. Yeah.

Mom?

What are you doing? Lam
decorating your house properly

because apparently you are
unwilling to do so yourself.

Why does my house
have to be properly decorated?

Making Christmas special is how you show
your family that you love them, Amy.

You don't want your kids to think
they're worthless and unloved, do you?

Well, no, of course not. This is the time
of the year when mom's kill themselves

to create a magical world
of joy for their children.

It is not a time of year when moms sit
around in their pajamas eating fudge.

I don't even like fudge.

Great, so stop being a shitty mom.
Ugh!

Hey, kids. How do you like
the Christmas Cavalcade, huh?

Oh, my gosh. It's awesome.

Show Mom how it works!

Really, Amy, you are
gonna love this. Okay.

We are go for the Cavalcade,

over.

Don't worry. I'll show you how this works.
It's on an app.

Oh, you installed
outdoor speakers.

Yeah.
Wait for it, wait for it.

Twelve drummers drumming

Eleven pipers piping

Ten lords are leaping
Nine ladies dancing

Eight maids are milking
Seven swans are swimming

Six geese are laying
Five gold rings

How much did this cost?

How can you put a price tag
on a child's happiness, Amy?

It was very expensive.

God! Mom.

Wait for it,
this is the big ending!

Are those actual partridges?

Of course. They don't have
any survival skills.

They'll be dead within an hour.

Okay. Here, kids.
Have some breakfast candy.

I'm sorry, what?

Thank you, Grandma.
I love you.

How I love you. I love you, too, guys.
You're the best, Grandma.

Thanks.
Okay, let's reload the birds.

And I hate that they're gray.
Let's paint them all white.

And can't they look a little
happier when they fly away?

I mean, it is Christmas.

Your mom decorated your house?

Oh, no, no.
That is not okay.

Who cares. Let her
decorate your house.

She wanna do mine next?

It's not about the house.

It's about the fact
that I'm a 34-year-old woman

and my mother is still telling
me how to live my life.

Well, then you
need to fight her.

Like, physically?

That is correct, Amy.

I can teach you some
basic karate moves

but we all know that she's gonna
keep treating you like this

until you beat
the shit out of her.

I don't want you to meet my mom.

She's a 62-year-old woman, so...

Fine. But you need to have at least
a serious conversation with her.

That sounds more legal.
I know.

Know.
And where's your dad in all this?

Aw, my dad. He's so sweet, but
he's completely under her control.

I mean, there's no way he's gonna
choose my side over hers. No.

Sweetie. That's hard.

Moms are so weird.

How's Christmas with your mom?

Oh, you know.
It's...

It's okay, I guess.
Yeah. I mean...

My mom got her hair out and
colored exactly like mine, but...

I think that's pretty normal,
right? Did your moms...

Do your moms
have your hairstyle?

You know, every time I think I'm
the fucked up one in this group,

Kiki, you open your mouth,

and then I'm like,
"No, I'm doing great."

Anyway, my mom and I were gonna take
the kids over to Sky Zone later.

Do you guys wanna come?

Legally, I can't get within
50 yards of a Sky Zone, but,

Oh, you know what?
Fuck it. I'm totally in.

- Amy?
- Oh, I can't go. I wish I could,

but my mother's making us
go see The Nutcracker. So.

I love The Nutcracker.

Oh, no, not like the Sugar
Plum Fairy Nutcracker.

No, the original,
the five-hour long version

that's all in Russian where a
bunch of people die. It's awful.

Why don't you just not go?

Oh, God, no. No.
She would never let me live it down.

It's much easier to do it this way.
Yeah.

Guys, are we not taking
Christmas back this year?

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

I'm asking you that seriously
'cause I got so wasted at the mall

I can't remember if I said that or that's
something I'm dreaming about right now.

Oh, shit.
I'm so late for work.

You guys, do you wanna know
what I've been working on?

Happy Holidays.

Oh, my...

Carla!
Broke my cock!

- Just go to work. Just go to work.
- I'm out, I'm out, I'm out!

What up, lady?

Mom! What are you
doing here?

Well, what does it
look like I'm doing?

I'm waiting for my daughter
to give me a free manicure.

Free manicure, huh?

Yeah.

All right. Well, at least
I'm not waxing your pussy.

Maybe next time.

Okay.
So,

what's up?
You seein' anybody?

Well, you know, there was a couple of
things going with some dads from school.

But it gets complicated.

Plus, like, there is not a better time
of the year to be single than Christmas.

I mean, it's like I go to
the mall and I see these,

you know, these couples
walking around and they're,

you know, like,
holding hands and,

you know, wearing scarves and feeding
each other sandwiches and...

Lookin' at jewelry, you know.

Every kiss begins with Kay

All right, stop. Stop.
What?

You sound super lonely.

No!
Babe, listen.

The rock-and-roll lifestyle
isn't for everybody.

I'm still super rock-and-roll.
I woke up in a park this moming.

Carla. I found kale chips
in your kitchen.

Okay, those are for my kid.

Right.
They're healthy as fuck.

They say
they're heart-smart.

You really care about
your kid, don't you?

Yeah. It's my...
I mean, most...

People care about
their children, Mom.

Whatever.

I just can't keep up with the
latest parenting trends.

So how you doin'?

I've been better actually,
to tell you the truth. I...

There is something
that I'm very excited about,

which I just need
a little money for...

Here we go.

What?

You always do this.
What?

You show back up in my life,

you ask me for money,
I give it to you,

you gamble it all away.
What?

- And you leave me and then you just come runnin' back...
- What?

...asking for more.
I give it to you again, What?

'Cause I'm an idiot. What are you...
This is a legitimate business opportunity.

How much do you need?

Not much.
Like five grand.

Really. Between five and
10 grand, maybe 15, tops.

Okay, I'll think about ii.

Good!

Wow, you have some
really cool shit here, huh?

Nice, classy place.

I wish I'd brought my purse.

Why do we have to go to the
Russian Nutcracker again?

I mean, we're not even Russian.

The Russian Nutcracker
is the real Nutcracker.

Not the sellout Disney version

with all the dancing and joy.

Is it actually five hours long?

Yes, and you will love
every minute of it.

Now, just listen
to this beautiful music.

This song is called
When Boris Gets Murdered.

It sounds like someone's
yelling at us.

Why can't we just
do something fun?

Where are you going? It's not left.
The theater's to the right.

Oh. I know.
We're not goin' to the theater.

Where are you taking us?
You'll see.

Merry Christmas, guys! Welcome to Sky Zone!
Merry Christmas.

All right, three kid passes?

- Yes.
- No, no. Sorry, we're actually all gonna go.

We're all gonna do it.
No, we're not all doing it.

It smells like diapers in here.

Amy! You guys made it!

Hey! Oh, my God,
I'm so glad you guys came!

Me, too. I think my mother's gonna
kill me in the middle of the night,

but it's totally worth it.
Hey.

Hi, I'm Carla's mom.

Hi. Isis! Nice to meet you.
Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Hi. You must be Amy's mom.
Amy, nice to meet you.

I'm Carla. Jaxon, honey,
Mama needs more hooch.

Ooh, good idea.
Yeah.

Top me off, babe.
That's my son, Jaxon.

This is my mom, Isis.

Hello. Ruth.
Like Ruth Bader Ginsberg.

Oh. Isis.

Like the terrorist organization.

This is my mom, Sandy.

- Oh, Amy.
- Hi, Sandy.

I've heard so much about you.

Oh, boy, you really
have the same haircuts.

Hello, I'm Ruth.
I'm Amy's mom.

Uh. I'm Jessie.
I was literally just in the car with you.

Come on, who's ready
to have some Christmas fun?

Hi, Ruth. We bought you
a churro. You want that?

No, thank you.

This place is fun.
I never went to place like this when I was a kid.

My God, no.

When I was a kid, we would go down
to the quarry and blow shit up.

That's nice.
Where are you ladies from?

I am from Ottawa,
which is in Canada.

And then my husband Dirk
wanted a faster life,

so we moved to Bismarck,
North Dakota.

And then I had Kiki when
I was only 18 years old.

And then Dirk died. A long,
slow, painful death. Oh!

But we're all gonna die
sometime, alone and afraid.

Where are you from, Ruth?

Chicago.

The City of Lights!
The Windy City.

You know, they call Bismarck
"The City of Old White People."

You are so weird.

- Ruth, did you enjoy growing up in Chicago?
- No.

My mother is a terrible woman.

Oh!
She once slapped me

for wearing open-teed shoes
on a sailboat.

Well. It was
a different time then.

This was two months ago.

My daughter thinks
that I'm so hard on her

but she has no idea what I went
through with my own mother.

When I was 15, I got my ears
pierced and she called me a whore.

And sent me away
to boarding school.

In Croatia.
Croatia?

- Now, that is a hard woman.
- Ah!

Where are you from, Isis?

I don't know, everywhere.
I never met my parents.

I basically just raised myself
using my wits and my tits.

Oh, wow.
That sounds disgusting.

No, dude, I was a roadie for
REO Speedwagon for 15 years.

Oh, Isis, you're not allowed
to smoke cigarettes in here.

It's okay.
It's not a cigarette. You want some?

No!
You want some?

Ah... No, thank you.

Suit yourself.
So,

which church does everyone
go to on Christmas Eve?

Well, I always go to midnight mass at
Our Mother of Perpetual Suffering.

It's the premiere service
in the city.

Great, I'll meet you there.

What?
This is so nice.

- Making new friends.
- Yeah.

- I don't get a lot of...
- You guys wanna play dodgeball?

No, honey. Grandmas don't play dodgeball.
We should probably...

What the fuck did she say?

She said, "Grandmas
don't play dodgeball."

I got it' but we play.
We play.

I'm in.

Tonight was a complete travesty.

Do you think
that was funny, Hank?

What if I changed out your heart pills.
Would that be funny, too'?

Oh, Jesus, babe.

I can't believe Amy is actually intent
on ruining Christmas this year.

I'm gonna have
to redouble my efforts.

Or you could stop fighting with her, and
we could just have a nice Christmas.

Do you think I enjoy fighting
with my daughter, Hank?

Yeah!

Because I don't.
Oh.

I'm just trying to give my grandchildren
the amazing Christmas that they deserve.

This is their first Christmas without
their father, and if it is perfect

they will know that things
are gonna be okay.

But if our daughter throws
a half-assed Christmas,

it will rattle the kids

and they could descend into a spiral
of fear, depression and drugs.

Okay. But the kids
looked really happy tonight.

They would have been happier at
the Russian Nutcracker, Hank.

My way of doing Christmas
is enchanting and magical

and Amy's way of doing Christmas
is lazy and embarrassing

and my way is better and my way will
win because my way will always win.

Well, I'm just glad
this is all about the kids.

Hank, lam Amy's mother
and it is my job

to push her to be the best
mother she possibly can be.

Trust me, someday she will thank
me in an inspirational speech

at some large public venue.

- Now, are you done ironing my pajamas, Hank?
- Yes, Ruth.

They're still warm.

I'm sorry you're upset.

Thank you.

It's okay.

You're wrinkling my pajamas.

- I'll get your toothbrush ready.
- Thank you.

Oh, my God. No more pussies-
Please, God, no more pussies.

Uh... Yeah?

Oh, hi. Uh.
Are you Carla?

Yeah, I am.
Who are you?

I'm Ty Swindel.
I'm here to get my balls waxed.

That's great news.
Why don't you hop on my table, Ty Swindel.

All right, thank you.

Okay. So have you ever had
your balls waxed before, Ty?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I'm an exotic dancer,

so I have to keep my dick, balls
and taint smooth at all times.

Great, okay, got it.
Yeah.

Um. So I am just gonna
remove the towel

and then we'll
apply the wax if you...

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

Look at the size of that thing.

It looks like a parking cone.

Oh, yeah. I am so sorry. I forgot to...
You know, it scares most people.

No, I'm not scared, though. I'm gonna
need a lot more... Just a lot more wax.

Okay.
So just gimme one second.

Sure.

Wow. Okay.

So who usually waxes your balls?

Oh, I go to a woman in Cleveland,
which is where I'm from.

No way.
What?

I'm from Edgewater.

- You're from Edgewater?
- Yeah.

- Okay. I'm from Tremont!
- Oh, my God.

Small world. That is so weird!
Unbelievable.

Like...
Right?

Wow. Okay.

Urn. If you could just
lift that penis up for me.

Okay.

Yeah, that's great.

So, what brings you
to Chicago, Ty?

I'm in town to do
a few Sexy Santa competitions.

Nice!
Yeah.

Okay, slight sting
on your nut sack.

So uh, how did you
get into dancing?

Oh, I'm a fireman by trade.
That's what I do.

Of course you are.

And a few years ago,
I responded to this fire

at a strip club and the owner
comes up to me

and he's like, "Hey, dude.
You got a massive cock?"

And I'm like, "Uh...
Well, I do."

And the rest is... The rest is history.
Wow.

That's a beautiful story, Ty.

Thank you.

Okay. Hot burn.

So holidays, huh?

Know.
You got big plans with your girlfriend?

I wish. I wish
I had a girlfriend.

Yeah, most women, they
just see me as this object

to have sex with and then they leave.
You know?

And I'm like, yeah, I dance
around in basketball sneakers

and a G-string.
It doesn't mean I don't have feelings, right?

Yeah. I, uh,
I can relate.

I don't know
what it is about you.

I feel like you're easy to talk to, you know?
I can just open up.

Be myself. It's nice.

I feel the same way, Ty.

Okay. I'm gonna need you to
put your heels over your head

so I can start to go to town on
your taint and your butthole.

Yup.
All right. Thanks.

All right.
Okay.

Let's get these out of the way.
Right. There we go.

Great, great, great, great.

Carla. Uh. At the risk
of sounding forward, um,

would you be willing to come with me
to my Sexy Santa competition tonight?

Uh. Well, I don't date my clients, Ty.
I have a really strict code.

Yeah. Oh, of course you do.
Are you kidding me? I know. And I know.

And you should...
You should have a...

I'm just fuckin' with you, Ty.
I don't have a code!

I'm waxing your butthole.

- I would love to go to your show.
- You would?

Yes! Yes!

Oh, my God. She's funny
and she's beautiful.

This is a combination you don't
run into every day, you know.

You don't see this combo
that often, either.

So it's a date, then.
I'll see you tonight.

It's a date.

Oh. Um... Do you want me
to reach down there,

and I can pull my butt crack
open for you if you want.

Thank you. No one's ever asked if they could
hold their butt crack open for me before.

I'll hold my butt crack open for
you anytime you want, Carla.

Where did you come from,
Ty Swindel'?

So what brings you here
today, Kiki?

Well, um, my mom and I,
we're very close.

And we would like to be...

To be closer.
No. No.

I think we would like
to be a little more

independent.
Closer.

Sandy, tell me about your
relationship with your daughter.

Oh, my gosh.
That's my favorite topic.

Well, I had Kiki
when I was 18 years old

and when the nurse placed her on my
breast, I looked down at her and I said,

"You are gonna be
my best friend forever."

Is that normal?
The best friend forever thing?

Well, you know, we don't like to
use the word "normal" around here.

Anyways, Kiki and I
have always been super close

because we're basically
the same age.

And then my husband died,
and we became crazy close.

We went to prom together.

WOW!
Okay,

And, Kiki, how does all this
closeness make you feel?

Well...
She feels great.

Who wouldn't want to be
best friends with their mom?

I love my mom.
Thank you, honey.

I really do.
Thank you.

- But sometimes, she can be a bit much.
- What?

Like when?

Like when you watched
Kent and I have sex the other night.

Oh, Lord.

I just wanna know what's going on
in your life. Is that so wrong?

No. But sometimes I'm in
need of a little space.

Oh, boy.

I don't know what's happening right now.

Why are you turning on me?

I'm not turning on you.
I'm just saying

I think that we could benefit
from some boundaries, right?

I have cancer.

Cancer?
Mmm-hmm.

Oh, God.
What kind of cancer?

Heart

cancer.

Heart cancer.
Yeah.

Stage 12.

Maybe you can find it in your non-cancerous
heart to be nice to me before I die.

I'm so sorry, Mom.
I had...

I had no idea.
I know.

I know.

- On, God.
- Shoot.

- Mom.
- Oh, Keeks.

Oh, Kiki. No, no. Keeks.

Okay, I don't have cancer.
What?

I knew it.

But imagine
if I did have cancer,

how would you feel
being so mean to your mother?

I'm not trying to be
mean to you, Mom.

I'm trying to have an honest
conversation about our relationship.

I have cancer again.

No. It doesn't work like that a second time.
I have polio.

I think they cured polio.

I have bubonic plague.
No.

I have shingles.
Mom!

I have bird flu.
Are you done?

I have a lazy eye.
Mom!

Please, can we just talk
about our relationship

because I wanna
work this out with you.

Yes. Let's do that. Yes.

Really?
Yes.

I wanna work this out with you.

Honestly?
I'm gonna run to the ladies' room

and I will be right back.

Okay.

She's not coming back, is she?

No.

What is the matter with her?

You really wanna know?

Yeah.

Your mom was probably pretty
normal before she had you.

But then you were born.
And you didn't sleep for six months,

so she didn't sleep
for six months.

And you refused to eat,
and when you did eat,

you would barf
all over her clothes.

And that made
your mom a little crazy.

And then you fell off your
bike and you broke your arm.

And then you
got bullied in school.

And then you started dating
that weird dude

with the stake through his nose.
And all those things

made your mom
a little more crazy.

And then you got married and you
bought a house you can't afford

and you're raising kids who never
say "please" or "thank you."

Shit, they can't even read.
And all those things

made your mom
super-duper crazy.

And now you come into my office

and you go, "Dr. Karl,
why is my mom so crazy?"

And the answer is.“

You, motherfucker.
You made your mom crazy.

So be nice to your mom 'cause you're
the one who fucked her shit up.

We are gonna
dominate caroling this year.

What are you wearing?

Sweetie, if you wanna win the Caroling
Cup, you have to have a theme.

Which is why we're all going as
characters from A Christmas Carol.

Oh, my God.
Dylan, you're Marley's Ghost.

Jane, you are the
Ghost of Christmas Present.

Oh, great.
And, Amy, you're Scrooge.

Oh. Wow, thanks, Mom.

I just think it's appropriate, given how
much you seem to hate Christmas this year.

Mother, I don't hate Christmas.

And here is everyone's sheet music.
I'd hope we'd all be off-book by now.

This is a lot of songs.

Well, every home in Westbury gets
to vote on who wins the Cup.

So we have to hit
at least 300 houses tonight.

Three hundred!
Don't worry. We have backup.

Come on in, everybody.

Please, welcome
the Chicago All Saints Choir!

You hired ringers?

I did what I needed
to do to succeed, Amy.

You should try it sometime.

Okay, fine.
We'll go caroling.

But I'm not wearing
this ridiculous costume.

Fuck me.

Hey, guys, we got more carolers.

Read your line, Scrooge!

Do it!

"Bah-humbug. I'm Ebenezer
Scrooge and I hate Christmas

"because it's so much work
and lam lazy."

Please, Mr. Scrooge!
Won't you listen to our song?

And let ye heart be warmed!
Two, three, four.

We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas

We wish you a Merry Christmas
and a happy New Year

Good tidings we bring
to you and your kids

Yeah!
Good tidings for Christmas

What the fuck is happening?

And a happy New Year

Everybody!

A happy New Year

"Bah-humbug. I'm Ebenezer
Scrooge and I hate Christmas

"because it's so much work..."
Amy?

On, shit.

What in the fuck
are you wearing?

My mom made me wear this.

Oh, my God. You look amazing.
Serious...

Honestly. This is better than
what you usually wear to school.

Wait, guys, come here. No, no, guys.
It's okay. You could just stay there.

It's fine... This is Amy Mitchell.
She's dressed up as an old fat man.

Uh. I'm actually supposed to be
Scrooge, but that's...

Don't laugh. She's my friend.
That's rude.

Honey, I'm gonna lnstagram the
shit out of this right now.

Okay, wait, side angle. And this one.
Okay. Um...

Can you purse
your lips for me a little bit?

I'ma go kill myself, so...

- I'll put a filter on it so you don't look so tired.
- Okay.

Thank you for visiting, Amy.
Bye.

I will never
let you forget this.

You know that

I do.

Was that a broken dick on her face?

Well, I thought that
was an enormous success.

Mom, this isn't working.
What isn't working?

This. This... I wanted
a mellow Christmas

and you keep fighting me
every step of the way.

Amy, this is a very important
Christmas for your kids.

You cannot just phone it in.

Mother, I'm not phoning it in.

My kids told me that they
wanted a mellow Christmas

and I promised them that
I would give it to them.

Well, of course
they told you that, Amy,

because they're telling you what
they think you want to hear.

But, secretly, they know
that I'm right

because you know what,
I just am.

Okay.

You know what,
I'm clone fighting this.

I'm gonna tell you exactly how
we're doing Christmas this year.

The kids and I are gonna spend the
entire Christmas Eve day sledding.

And then we're gonna
come home, bake cookies,

and watch Love Actually.

Dumb movie.

Then, Christmas moming, only Jessie
and his daughter are gonna come over

and we're gonna exchange
three gifts.

Who's Jessie?

Then we're gonna spend
all day in our pajamas

until my friends come over
for dinner

when we are gonna order Chinese
takeout from Mr. Wang's.

The horror!

Ugh! There'll be no show-off-y
party, no sushi, no camels

and definitely, definitely

no Kenny G.

Amy, he is the godfather
of smooth jazz.

Mom, lam done with your
over-the-top Christmases.

This is my house
and this is my life.

And if you wanna come down here
and be a part of my family

then you have to live
by my rules.

Okay.

Really?
We will do it your way.

We will have a mellow Christmas.

I hope you're happy.

I don't think you mean that
but thank you, I am.

And it worked.

I stood up to her,
and she totally backed down.

I'm so proud of you.
Thank you.

I actually feel,
for the first time,

my mom looked at me as an equal

like maybe some day,
somehow, we could be closer.

Relax, Obama. Your mom is
still a colossal bitch.

Don't let your guard down or
she's gonna blow up your car.

- All right.
- I'm just sayin'.

Either way, it was a big step,

so I just wanna say thank you
for encouraging me, ladies.

Ah, so proud.
Thank you.

- You know what we should do to celebrate?
- What?

Watch a bunch of Santa Clauses
take off their clothes!

Yay! I love Santa Claus.

And there're so many of them.

Guys, I don't wanna make
a big deal of this,

but I'm kind of on a first
date with one of the Santas.

Shut up.
Yeah.

Which one?

Santa Number Two.

How'd you guys meet?

Oh, waxing his balls.

That is so romantic.

You learn a lot about a man
when you wax his sack.

You know, some guys cry.
Some guys act real tough.

But with Ty, he was so calm.

It was almost like waxing
the balls of the Dalai Lama.

How you doin' tonight, Chicago?

All right.

Okay, listen, ladies,
I need you guys to tell me

which one of these sexy Santas
is the sexiest of them all.

Any of them?

Yeah! Okay, well,
let's start this thing off.

Santa Number One,
the bar is yours, sir.

Oh. That is
a lot of white skin.

Okay, you know, all right. Santa
Number One, the audience has spoken.

Thank you.

Such a good sport.
Such a good sport.

All right.

Now.

Bring it to the stage, my man,
Santa Number Two!

Yeah! Take it off!

He's really good at stripping.

He has such kind eyes.
Yeah.

I'm gonna fuck his dick
off tonight.

Put a baby in me,
Santa Number Two!

Whoo!

I love his panties.
They're so seasonal.

Oh, my God.

I think I am in love.
What?

I honestly think that he's

the one.

Is that your mom?

Wait, holy shit. It is.
Why is... Mom!

What are you doing?

Oh, look at that. Yeah. My mom
dances this way with everybody.

So this doesn't
bother me at all.

Oh, my God-
His face is in her tits.

Wait. Mom, no motorboating!
We talked about this.

- All right. It's about to get weird.
- It's game time.

Oh, you look great!
That's my mom.

That's your mom?
Yeah. That's my mom.

You're Mom?
Yeah.

Oh, my God, it's a pleasure.
You have such a lovely daughter.

I know!

You should never have to watch your
mom lick your boyfriend's nipples.

No.

Mom! What are you doing?

Ha! Whoa!

Oh» my God!

Mom!

Not one person caught me.
That was amazing.

Every time they jump into
the crowd, someone usually...

Hi.

Hi. Hey.
Here you are.

I... Bag of ice for you.

Thank you, Ty.

Um...

So about tonight.

You know, we were gonna
hang out after the show

and I was looking forward to it.

I was wondering if you're
still up for it? You know.

Oh, TY-

Yeah.

Um...

I would love to.
Good.

But, you know, I think this is my
mom's third concussion this month.

Wow.
That's a lot of concussions.

Better stay with her
for observation.

Yeah.

Well, um...

I gotta get back
to Cleveland tomorrow.

Right.

But, uh... Think I could give you a
call next time I come into town?

Would that interest you at all?
Could I do that?

Please.
Yeah?

Yes.
Great.

I'd wax your balls for free.

That is so sweet

Well, I would really
love that, Carla.

And so would my balls.

Well. Consider it done.

Oh...

Sorry, I thought
you wanted to...

Merry Christmas, Carla.

Merry Christmas, Ty.

Okay, time for bed, my darlings.

Tonight, I am going to sing
you My Heart Will Go On

by seven-time Grammy winner,
Celine Dion.

Hmm?

What's the matter?

Is everything okay with
you and Mom?

Yeah. You guys have been
fighting a lot.

Come here and sit by me.

Both of you, come here.

Now, your mother and I just
have a few tiny disagreements

about the importance
of Christmas

and what it means to be a mother

and the sanctity of marriage
and how best to raise children.

But, otherwise,
everything is fine.

There's no reason
to worry, okay?

Look, I know this is your first Christmas
since your parents got divorced

and it's probably a little
strange for you. Am I right?

Yeah.
Yeah, it really is.

Well, first of all,

both of your parents still
love you so very much.

And no matter what happens

I will always be there for you.

Always.

Because you're my grandkids.

And I love you more than
anything in the whole world.

And so does Grandpa Hank.

I know his brain is
the size of a walnut,

but, you know,
his heart is enormous.

Okay? Feel better?

Yeah. It's really nice
having you here, Grandma.

Yeah. We really miss you.

Yeah.
Aw!

I miss you, too.

Grandkids, they really are
the greatest gift.

Speaking of gifts,

have some iPhones.

Nice.
No way.

Now, get ready for bed.

And I will come back
and sing to you for hours.

I can't believe people
fall for this shit.

It's so stupid.

I know.
Wait, here comes somebody.

Merry Christmas!

Ho, ho, hold on.

Hey, would you like to donate
your canned goods

to our Christmas
canned food drive?

Oh, um, I sort of just
bought all this...

Bingo. She's got cans.

Oh, Mom, look.
She's got wine.

Thank you very much for
a very generous donation

to the canned
Christmas food drive.

The children are gonna
be so happy.

Yes!

That was a good haul' Mom.

Yeah, she had some good shit.

You know...

Ripping off rich people in front
of the supermarket with you

is bringing back a lot of happy
Christmas memories for me.

Yeah. Me, too, babe.

I miss you, you know?

I miss you, too.

It's so weird.

Yeah. Maybe we should

spend more time together?

Do you mean that?

Yeah. You know when we
were at the bouncy place

with what's his name?

Oh, my son, Jaxon?
Yeah, him.

Um, I was watching you two

and you were beating the shit out
of each other with those sticks,

and I thought,

"Maybe I should have a
relationship with my grandson."

Well, we'd love to see you more.

Yeah. Okay.

You know,

I've been doing a lot of thinking about
the money you asked me for, Mom, and...

I'm such an idiot.

But it's Christmas
and you're my mom and...

Fuck it. Here.

It's a loan. It's a loan.

I mean, it's not everything
you asked for.

But it's basically all I have.
No, that's great. Thank you so much.

This is a loan.
I will pay you back, I swear.

I really have my shit
together now. Thanks.

Whoa!

Hey! Sir, Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Would you like to donate your
cans to our canned food drive?

We're collecting for
a drive for the homeless.

Yikes. I just bought all this.
And canned goods.

You know, this is important.
The fuck is this?

Uh, that's fennel.

Fuck it.
So happy.

Thank you so much.

Oh, shit. Manager. Manager's coming.
Code red, code red.

Go, go, go. Mom!
Where did we park? Where did we park?

Happy Hanukkah.
Where did we park?

Go, go, go.
They just totally stole all my shit.

- Taking this, though. This is cute, right?
- Yeah, yeah.

Okay, guys.
So since it's Christmas Eve

everybody gets to open
one present, okay'?

Oh! Hey, Kiki, Kiki.
Open mine.

Please open
mine first. Please.

I'll go first. I guess.
Okay.

What's this?

It is a key

to my new house!

What are you talking about?

Well, after our therapy session,

I felt like we were
drifting apart

so I decided to move
closer to you guys.

Oh, okay.
Where are you moving to?

Right next door!

Oh, Jesus.
What?

You're moving, um,
next door to me?

Yeah, the house
wasn't on the market.

So I checked it out on Zillow
and made an all-cash offer

and then, boom.
Howdy, neighbor.

Howdy, neighbor.

Oh, my God.

We can dig a tunnel
between the houses.

Keeks!

Keeks.

Kent, get the kids out of here.

Mmm-hmm.
Yep, yep. Let's go, guys.

Let's get outta here.
Mommy and Grandma gotta talk.

Come on, buddy.
This is gonna get ugly.

Mom.
What?

You can't live next door to me.

Why not?

Because I need space
and that is too close.

I have diabetes.
Mom, stop.

- Sit down.
- Kiki.

- Sit.
- Kiki.

I've got strep throat.
Mom.

- I might have a gallstones. Really... Kiki...
- No. Enough.

We need to have
this conversation.

I am a grown woman who needs a
life that is separate from you rs

and I need you to have a life that's
separate from mine. I'm sorry.

Kiki, I don't want a life
separate from yours.

You're my favorite person
in the whole world.

I know. But, Mom, this is
starting to affect my marriage.

- And my family. And my sanity.
- What?

And I just need you to just
let me go a little bit!

Well, what am I supposed
to do with myself?

I don't know, Mom!
Anything! Make some friends!

You're always saying you wanna go to Vegas
to see Wayne Newton before he dies.

Do that! Anything!
As long as it's without me!

Without you'?

Why are you doing this
to me, Kiki?

I didn't... Mom...

And I really don't think
I can return that house!

Ooh. 'Kay.

How fun was that sledding?

There is still an alarming amount
of snow in my pants, I gotta say.

Oh, I can't wait to go home, throw
on some jammies, get comfy.

- I know. It's gonna be...
- Oh, look, someones having a party.

Yeah, they are.

- Wow, that's a lot of people.
- A lot of people.

Wait.

You're having a party.

Um, is that a camel?

Yup, that's a camel.

I'm gonna kill her.

What the fuck.

What did she do to my house?

No!

Kenny G's in my den.

Mom.

You lied to me.

I did what was best
for the family.

Mom, everything that
is wrong with Christmas

is in this room,
and I want it all gone.

Amy, don't be ridiculous.

You can't kick Kenny G out of the house.
He's a national treasure.

If you won't do it, then I will.

You wouldn't dare.

Oh.

Watch me.

Yo!

I need you to leave my house.

What are you talking about?

Get the fuck out, Kenny G.

I'm still getting paid, right?

I don't know! Take your little
flute and shoo! Shoo, fly.

Okay. Okay.
Go make another album.

It's not a flute, bitch.

Don't care. Thank you so much.
You can go now.

Please. You can leave.
Thank you so much for coming.

- Thank you very much.
- You too, my friend. I'm so sorry.

Please, no, no, please exit.

I don't know any of you.

Please leave my house.

Farewell, see you later.

Sushi Chef, you gotta go.
We're done.

You can take that plate.

Amy, stop!
You're embarrassing the family.

Oh, my God. That's what this
is about, isn't it?

This finally makes sense.

The perfect decorations,
the perfect tree,

whatever the hell that
thing is in my front yard.

You didn't do this for the kids!

You did this for you!

All you care about is for people to
go, "Oh, Ruth. You're so amazing.“

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Please don't leave without taking
your Louis Vuitton swag bag.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Please.

This has got to all go.
All of this has got to go.

The swag bags,
the weird curtains,

the floor, the tree.

Oh, God, the tree has got to go.

No, not my tree!
It's from Paris!

Watch me.
No!

No!

Say goodbye to your tree,
Mother!

That's an antique!

It's a hideous tree, Mother!

You have no idea!
It's not even real snow!

How dare you!

Do you know how much
that thing cost?

I don't care! Let go!

Let go! Let go!

Those were from the Titanic!

I don't care!

That ice was from the moon!
It was moon ice, you nasty bitch!

Let go of the stupid tree!

Let go!

Listen, Mom!

I promised my kids I wouldn't
do Christmas like this!

Everybody loves
a Christmas like this!

It's fucking spectacular!

No, they don't!

Holy shit.

I need you to get out.

Amy...

I've been putting up with
your shit my entire life.

I can't do it anymore.
I can't.

I need you out of my house, and I
need you out of my life for good.

You don't mean that.

I really, really do.

Amy, it's Christmas.
Mother, get out!

Did you just kick out
Grandma forever?

How long have you been
standing here?

How could you do this to us?

Guys, would you please just trust
me that it's for the best.

No, it's not!
It's the best for you.

We actually love Grandma.

Yeah, she's a part of
our family, and we love her.

You don't just kick someone out.

First, you kick Dad out.

Now, you kick Grandma out.

Who's next? Are you gonna
kick us out?

What? Honey,
no, of course not.

I would never do that.

Why do you always have to
screw everything up?

Honey...

Nice goin'.

Guys.

Guys?

So that's how I! Happened.

That's how I ruined Christmas.

I got so wrapped up
in fighting with my mom

that I lost sight of the only
thing that actually matters.

I lost sight of my kids.

What's worse is

I didn't just ruin Christmas.

I ruined my family.

Mom?

It's Christmas Eve.

Where do you wanna get takeout?

Mom?

Mom?

Hey.

Oh, hello.

Thank you again for
inviting me to your church.

I really didn't.

What's up, bitches?

Oh, my gosh. It's Isis.

Isis is here.

Hi, Isis.
Hey.

1111'.“

Well, I'm workin' out some shit.

Plus, all the bars are closed.

Oh, you guys

I could really use
some churchin' tonight.

You know what I mean?

No.
Nope.

Well, today my daughter told
me she needed "more space."

I don't even know what
that's supposed to mean.

Yeah. Well, my daughter just
kicked me out of her life forever.

Why?

Because I push her to be the
best, and she can't handle it.

Of course, my mother pushed me twice
as hard and I turned out amazing.

But I guess not everyone is as
incredibly strong as I am.

Well, my daughter didn't kick me
out of the house or anything.

But you would not believe how mad she got when
I told her I bought the house next to hers.

What? You bought the house
next to your daughter?

Yeah, I did.

Did you ask her first?

No, I wanted it
to be a surprise.

Yeah, that might be a bit much.

Dude, that is fucking psycho.

Well, at least I love
my daughter.

You only visit Carla
when you need money.

No, that is not true.

I visit her on other occasions,
like when I'm hiding from someone.

Oh, just admit it, Isis.

You're a degenerate gambler with a
third-grade education and a cheap weave.

This is my own hair, okay?
And you're a terrible mother.

Ladies, it is Jesus' birthday.

No, I'm serious.

You think that you are so perfect, but
you are the worst mom of all of us.

Well, I don't know.

Okay, okay.
The second worst, whatever.

But the point is that you're one of
those moms that you dress so perfectly

and you give fancy parties,
and you know how to cook food

and you have all your own teeth.

But you know what? You suck.

You suck at all the shit
that really matters.

And I even can see it.
And I'm stoned all the time.

Please. You don't know
the first thing about me.

If you're such an awesome mom, why did your
daughter kick you out of her life forever?

In your face.

And you know what? I have done horrible
stuff to my daughter, really horrible shit

and she has never
kicked me out. Never.

So you just take that and you roll it up
real tight and you shove it up your ass.

Okay.

We have all shared some very
powerful feelings tonight.

Oh, shut the fuck up, Sandy.

You bet.

Hey.

Hey.
Wow.

I heard what happened.

Are you doin' okay?

I don't know.

Can I ask you something?
Sure.

How do you take it?

Take what?
Living with Mom.

I mean, she's so bossy
and controlling and...

Oh, my God, she's so vain.
I mean, she spends all her time

creating this perfect image of herself
just so she can lord it over people.

Sweetie, your mom isn't vain.

Oh, come on. She wears a princess
outfit at least once a month.

You're probably
never gonna believe this

but your mom is the most
insecure woman I've ever met.

My mother?

Ruth?
Yes.

Redmond?
Yes.

Huh.

She never shows anyone
except for me

but beneath that tough exterior is a scared
little girl whose mom never really loved her.

Oh, come on, Dad.
You know her mother.

Nothing your mom does is ever
good enough for that woman.

She makes your mom feel worthless
every single day of her life.

So that's why it's so important to
your mom to make everything perfect.

It's not because she's vain.
You know, it's because

when someone tells her she's got the
most amazing Christmas tree on the block

it makes her feel, just for a
second, like she's not worthless.

Like she's actually
good at something.

Like she's loved.

Why does she
take it out on me, then?

Because you know what
she's most insecure about?

Mmm'?

Being a mom.

I can't tell you the number
of times she said to me,

"Did I do a good job
raising Amy?

"Am I good mother?
Did I screw everything up?"

She really asked that?

Sweetheart, she loves you more
than anything in the world.

She's just got a...

A deeply fucked up
way of showing it.

Yeah.

Look, I've been married to
your mother for 36 years.

Mmm.

And she is a pain in the ass,
even on a good day.

But you know what?

I love her more now than
I did the day we got married.

Because I know the real her.

And if you can find it in
your heart to forgive her

and get to know her
like I know her

you might just find
that there is

a funny, sweet, beautiful
person hiding inside there.

Did you say "sweet"?

Okay, a funny, beautiful
person hiding in there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know where she is?

It's Christmas Eve.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Hey, Mom.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Sandy.
I'm Kiki's mom.

Yes, I know.
Nice to see you again.

How you doin'?

Hey, wow, look at that,
all of you are here.

Okay.

And what are you
doing here, Amy?

I, um...

I actually came to apologize for
kicking you out of the house.

You're my mom, and that
was a little harsh.

It certainly was.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hey, psycho bitch, your daughter
just apologized to you.

You're now supposed to say,
"I'm sorry“ to her.

That's the way human beings
talk to each other.

Yeah.

I'm also basically sorry.

Okay, good.
That was good.

Now tell her what
you're sorry for.

You got this.

It is possible that I should not have thrown
a secret Christmas party at your house.

Obviously, you made an incredible number
of bad decisions this Christmas as well

but for the tiny fraction
of blame that falls on me,

lam

generally apologetic.

Okay.

Thank you.

Mom, I know that that was really,
really hard for you to say.

It actually really was.

And you know what?

I want you to know that I finally
understand why you're like this.

And I need you to know

that I love you.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't think that
you're worthless.

I think you're fucking amazing.

Why are you saying this?

And no matter what anyone says

I think you're a great mom.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah, I loved my childhood.

I did. You gave me everything
that I needed.

And you always pushed me
to do better.

And' were you perfect?

Yes.

No.

But none of us are.

Sol really want you to know

that you did great.

That's the nicest thing that anyone
has ever said to me.

I actually think that you're
a really wonderful mom.

I mean, your kids are so happy.

They're so sweet, and they
love you so much.

Thank you.

I mean, I wish.-.

I wish I was as close to you
as you are to your kids.

We still can, Mom.

Wow, I'm just not very good
at this, Amy.

But I just love you so much.

I love you so much. I do.

Oh, my God.
You're a train wreck.

Well, it's a very complicated relationship
between a mother and a daughter.

But these two,
they've got it together.

I know. I know, babe.
Finally.

Yeah. Okay.

Here, do you want some of this?
Yes.

It's okay. It's okay.
It's okay.

Okay, Mom?

Mom, is it midnight already?
Well, yeah.

We gotta save Christmas.

Oh, my God. I've been waiting
my whole life for this.

Oh, it's going, it's going,
it's going. Mom! Mom!

Oh, my God.

This is amazing.

Merry Christmas, guys.

Mom, you really did
a lot of work.

I had a little help.

Merry Christmas, children.
Grandma.

Oh!

Go open your presents.

I got you seasons one through
six of The Walking Dead.

Oh, good Lord. Really, Mom?

Thanks, Grandma.

I'll get N.

Merry Christmas.

Lori, Merry Christmas, honey.

Merry Christmas, Ruth.
Merry Christmas, Jesus.

Uh... It's Jessie.

Wow, you have really broad shoulders.
Amy, feel his shoulders.

Oh, here we go. Okay, Mother.
Thank you. Get in.

Oh, thanks for almost
learning his name.

I love you, girl.

Merry Christmas, Kiki.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Do you like my
Kiki-head pajamas?

Sort of.
Thank you.

I just wanted to let you know that I have
put the house next door on the market.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

I really appreciate that

I know I can be a little psycho sometimes,
and I know you need your space.

Which is why I bought
the house across the street.

- No, I'm kidding. I didn't buy the house across the street.
- Oh, okay.

- I bought the house down the street.
- What?

No, I'm gonna move
into your attic.

- Mom! Seriously.
- Kiki. What?

Where are you living?

I'm gonna go back to Bismarck,
where I belong.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

I just...

I really miss your dad
on Christmas.

I do, too.
Yeah.

I do, too.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Hey, Mom, look what
Santa got me.

A used baseball glove.

It's great, buddy.

I used to have one just like it.

Is that Santa?

Why would it be Santa, honey?

Remember, Santa came last night.

Can I come in?

Um...

All right, I know I haven't been
the best mother in the world.

But you

somehow just turned out
really good.

Um...

And, Carla, I just...

I wanna be more like you.

So I've given up gambling

on horses.

And I'm gonna pay you back

every cent that I
borrowed from you.

Really?

Yeah. You know,
I got a fucking job.

Are you fucking kidding me?

No! They hired me to be in
charge of childrens' safety.

Why would they let you do that?

I don't even know how
I passed the drug test.

Seriously.

They're crazy.

And with what they're paying me, I think
I can pay you back in about 245 years.

Wait, does this mean
you're gonna...

Stick around for a while?

If it's cool with you, yeah.

Mom.

It's all I've ever wanted.

Well, I'll stay as long
as you want me to.

Mom.

Mom, also I got a box
o' Ziploc bags.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

Shaobing for everybody.

Everybody but me.

God, Chinese food on Christmas.

I feel like such a Jew.

Would you like some shaobing?

Oh, you know I would.

No, honey, that is
Ruth's husband.

Oh, honestly, have at it.

Hank deserves a little fun
at Christmas.

Guys, I can't believe that we're eating
Chinese food for Christmas dinner

and my mother is loving it.

I can't believe my mom's not wearing
a sweatshirt with my face on it.

Guys, we did it.

We actually took Christmas
back this year.

I couldn't have done it
without you girls.

Ladies, I love you.

We love you back.
Same here.

Hi, is, um, Carla here?

Yes!

Ty Swindel.

How did you find me?

I just looked for you.

Hi.

I have so many things
I wanna say to you right now.

Just say it.

I feel like it's better if I do it
through the universal language of dance.

Shut up.
Yes!

- What dancing?
- Christmas dancing.

Oh, TY-

Oh, boy.

Oh, my God.

That's beautiful, Ty.

Oh, my fucking God.

Turn her around.
Turn her around.

It's okay, just turn her around.

Okay.

All right, that's great.
Okay, we're done.

That was amazing.
Thank you so much.

Just go for it, dude.

Don't cry, baby. Don't cry.

He's so hot.

That's my son.
Yeah?

Hey, man.
Right there.

That's Jaxon.

How are you?
Nice to meet you.

I'll take you right in there.
I love you.

I love you.

Whew' Oh!

Oh! We better get going
or we're gonna miss our flight.

What flight?
Oh, I didn't tell you?

Isis, Ruth and I are going
to Las Vegas for New Year's.

And we're gonna see Wayne
Newton before he dies.

The three of you are
going to Vegas together?

Yeah. Well, we're
best friends now.

Well, we're new friends.

We're best friends.

Yeah, we're new friends.

Mmm.

Anyways, Merry Christmas,
everyone.

Yes, Merry Christmas, everyone.

Hank, get all our bags.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Ho, ho, ho, girl.

You're on my naughty list.

Tonight.

Your Santa, baby

Merry Christmas, baby.