All language subtitles for Wedding.Crashers.Uncorked.Edition.2005.1080p.BluRay.x264.AC3-ETRG.English

I don't have custody of the kids
I don't get custody.

It is pathetic
what I've had to go through.

Right now, she doesn't know
where the kids are.

Do not talk about me as a mother.

Are they home?

I'm so sick to death of you
talking about me as a mother.

They're probably
at a firehouse somewhere.

Do not talk about that.

I'm sick of you accusing me
of not being a good mother.

- Are they home?
- I've been a good mother!

A perfect mother? I can't have custody.

- Just remember how you...
- Right now.

Where is Tim right now?

Don't you talk about me being a mother.

- I hate you!
- Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't you just kiss my left nut?

- I told you this was a bad idea.
- You know what, Ken?

A bad idea would be to let your client
walk out of here today...

...and drag this thing out for another
year, wasting more time and more money.

The only good idea is to let
me and John do our job...

...and mediate this thing right here.

You wanna hear the crazy thing?

I know it doesn't feel like it,
but we're making progress.

- Mm-hm.
- We settled the deal with the cars.

That takes us to frequent-flyer miles.
We're flying.

- Those are mine.
- I want them.

We're gonna split them
right down the middle.

How'd that be, Mr. Kroeger?

It would be not good at all.
I earned those miles.

Yeah, you earned them flying to Denver
to meet your whore.

Oh, Lord.

Well, she's not afraid
to express herself sexually.

She is a stripper, for God's sake!

- She is not.
- Her name is Chastity.

She is white trash. Same as you.

Hillbilly.

That's it, go comatose for me, baby.

You shut your mouth
when you're talking to me.

Hold it. This is getting confusing.

You didn't always hate each other.

There had to be nice moments,
during the courtship, maybe?

- Or the wedding?
- The wedding had to be fun.

- You have your families.
- Your decorations.

Families coming together.
That's a nice moment.

- What'd you have to eat?
- Crab cakes.

Are you kidding me?
How could you not have a good time?

- I love them. They're phenomenal.
- And did you have a band?

- Yeah.
- Good or bad?

Who gives a shit? It's a great band,
a bad band, it's like pizza, baby.

It's good no matter what. There's music!

You get them playing "Shout"
and you hate it.

It's a good time, know what I mean?

Rubbing up against each other,
a couple of kids who like to fuck...

...trying to make it honest. I get it.

Guys, the real enemy here
is the institution of marriage.

It's not realistic, it's crazy.

Don't do this for the other person.

- Say yes to yourself and your future.
- Say yes.

Have some opportunities for yourself.
I'm sure you'd love to be free...

...maybe go out and meet some
Latin guy that can dance...

...grind up on you,
make you feel dangerous but also safe.

And you? Don't you wanna
get inside Chastity...

...without wondering if anyone's
gonna find out?

- Wouldn't that be sweet?
- Wouldn't that be nice?

And have some Latin guy
sweating all over you...

...talking to you in languages
you don't understand...

...needing you, wanting you, taking you?

All we're trying to say is...

...put your swords away for a second.

Let's finish this and let's move on.

Get out there and get some strange ass.

Could you give her a glass of water
so she can take that?

Hey, John, that's weird.
That glass looks half full to me.

Wow, now that you mention it,
it is half full.

He can have the miles.

No, sweetie, you take the miles.

Great. Great! Let's sign the paperwork
and we are done.

This is just semantics. You guys
wanna throw a couple miles at us...

...we'll take a couple. The big thing is
that we're all moving on.

Could you two just not talk anymore?

Oh, good, you got it.
Is it 100 percent goose down?

- Yes. Why do you need this?
- Are you sure?

I sleep over at John's house
every year for his birthday.

Okay, that's not creepy.

I guess it is a little creepy...

...when a young man
who happens to be an only child...

...loses both of his parents in a tragic
accident one month before his birthday...

...and then has a best friend
make a vow...

...that he will never spend
his birthday alone again.

Maybe that would fall under
the category of creepy.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

- That's okay.
- No, you're really sweet.

I've got the perfect girl for you.

Janice, I apologize to you
if I don't seem real eager...

...to jump into a forced,
awkward intimate situation...

...that people like to call dating.
I don't like the feeling.

You're wondering,
"Do I have food on my face? Am I eating?"

"Am I talking too much?
Are they talking enough?"

"Should I play like I'm interested?
I'm not that interested."

"She might be interested.
Do I want to be interested?"

"Now she's not interested. So now, all
of sudden, I'm starting to get interested."

When am I supposed to kiss her?
Do I wait for the door?

Then it's awkward. It's like, "Good night."
Do you do the ass-out hug?

Where you, like,
hug each other like this...

...and the ass sticks out because
you're trying not to get too close.

Do you kiss them on the lips?
Or don't kiss them at all?

It's very difficult to read the situation.

All the while you're wondering,
"Are we gonna get hopped up enough...

...to make some bad decisions?"

And perhaps play a little game called
Just the Tip.

Just for a second,
just to see how it feels.

Or Ouch, Ouch, You're on My Hair.

Okay.

Okay, can you...? Can you put that
so he can't see it? And thank you.

Hey, Janice. Great talk.

- John?
- Yeah?

I gotta see you right away,
it's important.

What's going on?

We got three really
big weeks ahead of us.

- It's wedding season, kid.
- You sandbagging son of a bitch.

I got us down for 17 of them already.

Okay, how many are cash bars?

Great question, love where your head's at,
and two of them actually are.

But I got us covered.

Purple Hearts. We won't have
to pay for a drink all night.

Oh, yeah. Perfect.

We are gonna have tons of opportunities
to meet gorgeous ladies...

...that are so aroused by marriage, they'll
throw their inhibitions to the wind.

Who's gonna be there to catch them?

Grab that net and catch that
beautiful butterfly, pal.

What do you like better?
Christmas or wedding season?

- Mr. Grey.
- Yes, um, the answer would be...

...wedding season?

Bingo. I'm gonna go get my suit.
Oh, now, who are we this time?

Hey, Lou Epstein, I want you to meet
a real mensch, Chuck Schwartz.

Oh, stop.

And as we carry on the tradition
of thousands of years...

...we honor the eternal bond...

...that stretches through the ages.

I have known this couple
for many years.

Deborah I've actually known
for her entire life.

I was at her house when her parents
brought her home from the hospital...

...and I was there the day
she graduated from medical school.

Josh I have known
since his bar mitzvah...

...which those of you who were there
know it was not a very pretty sight.

But he has pulled himself
together nicely...

...and he's grown into a remarkable
young man himself.

- Okay.
- He never got the courage...

...to ask her out, until 10 years later,
Josh was in the emergency room...

...and he saw Deborah again...

- ...and he said to himself:
- Hi.

"Wait. That's the girl I'm going to marry."

I now pronounce you man and wife.

Mazel tov!

Mazel tov, baby! From my family
to yours, mazel tov. Beautiful.

Oh, my yarmulke fell off!

You sly son of a bitch.

Does anyone know what
this here is used for?

- Rolling a fatty.
- No, not for... Where'd you learn that?

You want to get a whole combination.

Get the frostings in the middle
and the end.

That's it, that's it, that's it! Come on!

You both look beautiful up there today,
particularly Debbie in that white dress.

Enjoy it. After tomorrow, I don't think
you're gonna be able to get away...

...with wearing a white dress.

Here, I'll just pick this off,
I'll go grab another piece. That's it.

In the words of the old country...

Ooh.

Come here!

I want you to take this note
to that blond girl.

Hurry, because I'm gonna time you. Go!

Hi.

Who gave this to you?

You know, I saw you at the wedding.

- And?
- You were crying.

Oh, shit. You weren't supposed to see that.
Now you probably think I'm a big pussy.

No, you were so sweet. Come here.

Look, I knew I was never gonna be
a professional bullfighter...

- ...but that's not why I did it.
- Weren't you scared?

Can I say yes?

- Sanjay Collins.
- Chuck Vindaloo.

Excited to be here.

- Shamus O'Toole.
- Bobby O'Shea.

- I'm ready to get drunk.
- Ha, ha.

- Who is that?
- Ah, him.

I think that's his kid Leonard.
The diabetic.

Who is that?

That's Luigi and Gina's son Christopher.
You know, the banker.

Oh, that's Mae Lin's adopted son Benny,
the veterinarian.

- The French Foreign Legion?
- Yeah.

We lost a lot of good men out there.

Wow, really? Mount Everest?

I just don't like to talk about it because
we lost so many good men out there.

Oh.

Lost so many good men out there.

Playing with the Yankees?

Yes, with the Yankees.

You lose good men
to trades and unruly fans.

I... Look, I don't want
to talk about it, I'm sorry.

It's just a matter
of trying to get it down.

Tattoo on the lower back.
Might as well be a bull's-eye.

You know how they say
we only use 10 percent of our brains?

I think we only use 10 percent
of our hearts.

I feel so tiny in your arms.

Really? How tall are you?

I'm 6'5", but I feel like I'm 4 feet.

And some poetry,
courtesy of Sarah McLachlan.

Beautiful!

The bride!

All right, let's go, let's go,
let's make a memory!

What are you gonna do for an encore?
Walk on water?

Great guy. He brung me along too.

- Jesus. Come on. You ruined it.
- Come on. Get in there.

You butchered the whole damn cake!
You don't treat cake like that.

- You gotta treat cake like a lady.
- Look at that.

Oh, I meant in front of all of them.

And then everyone said, "Jabroni!"

Jabroni! This fucking guy, unbelievable!

Pop it in.

Now spread it around on each other.

We need a picture of this.
They're crazy!

Time to party! Time to party!

Come on, get a picture,
get a picture, get a picture.

Hot.

Oh, no, no.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sarah, I feel like I don't even know you.

It's Vivian.

Would you say you're completely
full of shit or just 50 percent?

I hope just 50, but who knows?

Bet that blond was a real shot of life.

Yeah, real shot.

You don't think we're being...

I don't wanna say sleazy,
because that's not the right word...

...but a little irresponsible?
I mean, you know?

No.

One day, you'll look back
on all this and laugh...

...say we were young and stupid.

A couple of dumb kids running around.

We're not that young.

Hell of a season, pal.

Hell of a season.

Oh, baba ganoush.

What do we got?

Christmas come early.

- Secretary Cleary?
- Secretary of the treasury.

The guy you loved since business school.
Don't thank me.

I don't know.
I thought the season was over.

I was looking forward to
taking a break for a little bit.

John, what are you talking about?
This is the Kentucky Derby of weddings.

It's the Clearys.
They're an American institution.

Pal, there's gonna be
over 200 single women at this wedding.

Not to mention,
they got three live bands...

...they got oysters, snacks,
phenomenal finger food.

I'm tired, okay? My feet hurt.
My voice is hoarse.

Oh, please don't take
a turn to negative town.

What? Who's getting negative?

At the Buckner nuptials you were
sitting and sulking in the corner.

I wasn't sulking. I twisted my ankle.

Rule number 6:
Do not sit in the corner and sulk.

It draws attention to you
in a negative way.

Draw attention to yourself,
but on your own terms.

Don't quote the rules to me,
I know them.

When Chazz Reinhold passed the sacred
rules of wedding crashing onto us...

...12 years ago, he gave us a legacy.

You make it sound like a cult.

From everything you told me
about him, he sounds like a kook.

You bite your tongue.
Chazz Reinhold is not a kook.

He is a brave and a decent man.
He is a pioneer.

He lived with his mother till he was 40.
She tried to poison his oatmeal.

Erroneous! Erroneous.
Erroneous on both counts.

- Oh, Lord. Here we go again.
- What you should be worried about...

...is not Chazz Reinhold,
who's in the hall of fame.

What you should be worried about
is you're getting sloppy.

Now, if you sit there
and expect me to go out on a limb...

...and try to pull off
the greatest crash of all time...

...I gotta know that your head's right.

There is no room for error.

Secret Service. Consequences.

I love your enthusiasm.

If I do this, I don't wanna half-ass it.

I want it well planned.

He's back.

All right, partner.
We'll start scheming tonight, okay?

- Sounds good. Okay.
- If you need me, I'll be on line six.

Could be fun.

Wow.

- Mr. Senator. Thank you.
- Congratulations, Kathleen.

- Bill, congratulations.
- Thank you, senator.

Secretary, they just grow up
so damn fast.

That's the truth, yeah.

- Okay. Let's do our pregame.
- What do you got?

Articles on Secretary Cleary's
economic policies.

There's also a roster of key family
members, a glossary, sailing terms.

- Sailing?
- Sailing's like sex to these people.

- They love it.
- Harvard, Kennedy School of Government.

Mom's big with charities,
blah, blah, blah.

Three daughters, one son.

- I get it. Good work.
- Good.

Let me see that again, please.

Pretty handsome.

Okay, what's our back-story?

We're brothers from New Hampshire,
we're venture capitalists.

I'm sick of that.

Let's be from Vermont, and let's have
an emerging maple-syrup conglomerate.

Wait, that's stupid. We don't know
anything about maple syrup.

I know everything there is
to know about maple syrup.

I love maple syrup.
I love maple syrup on pancakes.

I love it on pizza.
I put a little bit in my hair...

...when I've had a rough week.
What do you think holds it up, slick?

The first quarter of the big game
and you wanna toss up a Hail Mary.

I'd like to be pimps from Oakland
or cowboys from Arizona...

...but it's not Halloween.
Grow up, Peter Pan. Count Chocula.

Look, we've been to a million weddings.

And guess what.
We've rocked them all.

Great day.

- The Eagle has landed.
- The big show.

Hey, hey. Fifth row back
with the fancy hat.

I like that.

No, don't waste your time on girls
with hats, they tend to be very proper.

Yeah?

The proper girl in the hat
just eye-fucked the shit out of me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Why don't you say it a little louder?
I don't think the priest heard you.

Look, John,
I'm sorry I'm not sorry, okay?

I'm not gonna apologize.
I'm a cocksman.

- Tourette's.
- Frank Myers.

John Ryan.
Say hello to my brother, Jeremy.

- Hi.
- How are you?

So, um, how do you know the groom?

We are Uncle Ned's kids.

Uncle Ned.

- Is he Liz's brother?
- Uncle Ned, the brother of Aunt Liz.

How is everybody?

Well, Dad kind of putters
around the house.

Aunt Liz sends her best.
She couldn't make it.

Yeah, I know.

She's dead.

From the grave.

She sends her best from the grave.

We've become extremely spiritual...

- ...ever since she passed.
- I see.

But thank you so much
for your kindness, brother.

Lord knows we need family now
more than ever.

- Well, you're welcome.
- Thank you.

How many times are you
gonna do this shit?

Rule number 32:
You don't commit to a relative...

...unless you're absolutely positive
that they have a pulse.

Rule 16:
Give me an up-to-date family tree.

Your mistake.
You made me look like an idiot.

Rule number 76:
No excuses, play like a champion.

Hello, Red.

- Dibs.
- She's all yours.

I ain't gonna fight you.

I think we've got a crier.

- No shot.
- Twenty bucks.

- Make it 40.
- Done.

Oh, are you kidding me?

It's beautiful.
It's moving. It's a wedding.

And now for our next reading, I'd like
to ask the bride's sister Gloria...

...up to the lectern.

Twenty bucks, 1 Corinthians.

Double or nothing, Colossians 3:12.

And now a reading from
Paul's First Letter to the Corinthians.

"Love is patient, love is kind."

As you all know, Craig and Christina...

...are quite the sailing enthusiasts.

In that light, they have elected
to exchange vows...

...which they themselves have written.

The ring.

I, Craig...

...take you, Christina, to be my wife...

...my best friend and my first mate...

...through sickness and health,
clear skies and squalls.

I'm sorry, I have a tickle in my throat.

I, Christina, take you, Craig...

...to be my best friend...

...and my captain...

...to be your anchor and your sail...

Well, this is a first.

...your starboard and your port.

And now I pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the first mate.

Sorry, just a sampler.

- Told you this would be classy, right?
- Yes, you did.

Class, first class all the way.
You were not lying.

Class, class, class.

They've got some kind of seasoning
on here. It must be sprinkled.

Okay, go get us seats near,
but not too near, the bridal party.

I'm gonna go drop this box
of fresh Wyoming air.

If you see crab cakes,
get some because I love them.

Consider it done.

- Fondue set.
- Excuse me?

The present you're holding is
a sterling-silver fondue set.

- John Ryan.
- Claire Cleary.

Uh, so how do you know that?

Well, I'm a psychic.

- You're psychic?
- I am.

- Really?
- Yes.

- What's that one?
- Knife set. German. Very nice.

- Hm. And that?
- Cotton linens, Egyptian.

Ooh.

- What about that?
- Oh, I'll go all day.

Place settings, candlesticks,
crystal stemware...

...which they'll probably never use
because it's crystal stemware.

- Okay, how about that?
- This?

Uh...

Massage oils and a book on tantra,
probably from the wacky aunt.

Let's check.

- Who's it from?
- Aunt Millie.

- Yes!
- Well, you have a gift.

I know. Unfortunately my powers only
apply to useless consumer products.

Well, if the police are missing a Belgian
waffle maker, you could give them a hand.

- Claire, we need you for pictures.
- Oh, okay.

- Who's your friend?
- This is John Ryan.

- Hello.
- Excuse us.

I might just have one more
of the samplers here.

- Good.
- What have we got?

Come back with some more stuff.
That's good, though.

These bacon-wrapped scallops,
phenomenal.

Really hit the spot. Unbelievable.

Oh, shit. Isn't that the girl you hooked up
with at the Andersons' wedding?

- Oh, Jesus, I'm smoked.
- No, no, don't panic.

We're gonna do number 10
from the playbook. Here she comes.

Shlomo? I thought you were renouncing
all your possessions and moving to Nepal.

Shlomo, don't you remember me?

Oh, my God, you didn't hear.

I'm so sorry.
Shlomo had a scuba-diving accident.

Yeah, he came up too fast
and the oxygen deprivation...

Poor guy. He doesn't remember anyone,
even me, his own brother.

I'm just some nice guy
who helps him out.

You poor thing.

He can't hear anything either.
It's part of the accident.

So are you here
for the Clearys' wedding?

Oh, yes. Yes, but I have to leave.

- I've got a flight to Madrid.
- Oh, you have to leave?

- Yes.
- Oh, okay.

I could hang out for a few minutes.

Oh, actually that won't be necessary.

Shlomo would like me to take him to the
bathroom, then get him some crab cakes.

So, yeah, no, that's not...

Okay, okay.

Okay, I'll take you to get crab cakes
first, then I'll take you to the bathroom.

You know what?

Here's my number.
If there is anything I can do to help...

Okay.

Okay, have a safe flight.
Don't worry about us.

- We're gonna be fine, we're gonna make it.
- Okay.

Doctor.

She looked good.
I might give her a shout.

How? She thinks you're deaf.

Everyone wants to be part of a miracle.
I turned the corner, she's a part of it.

People helping people.
It's powerful stuff.

God, you're a sick man.
You also may be a genius.

Okay, so, what angle
are we gonna play here?

I'm gonna go with the balloon-animal
display for the kids...

...and then when she comes to
check it out, guess who's a broken man.

- Haunted past.
- Haunted past. Excellent.

- How about you?
- I'll dance with the flower girl.

Or be a charter member
of Oprah's Book Club.

- It's all deadly. I'll see you in a little.
- Yes.

Final touch. There it is.

One happy elephant.

All right. Who else wants something?

I want a bicycle.

A bicycle? Well, a bicycle,
that would take a lot of balloons...

...and Uncle Jeremy's
a little tired right now...

...so why don't we do something like,
let's say, a giraffe?

I just want a bicycle!

Why are you yelling at me?

Whatever. Make me a bicycle, clown.

I'm gonna make you a bicycle.
But I don't want to make you a bicycle.

Shut your mouth, funny guy,
and make it.

You got it.

There you go. Yeah, you got it.

Let's see how you do
with somebody your own age.

I think I'm up to the challenge.

All right, will you save me
a dance for later?

- Maybe.
- Ha, ha. Okay.

Go on, take it, you hyena.

Don't say thank you.

Hi. You're good.

That thing? I'm just warming up.
Last week I did a...

- ...exact replica to scale of Wrigley Field.
- Ha, ha.

Honest to God.
I don't have anywhere to put it.

Okay, then I'll take a sports car.

How about a dance?

That's what I really wanted.

So how long have you
and the secretary been married?

- Thirty years next April.
- Oh, that's beautiful.

Yeah, and we were faithful
for two of them.

- Hm?
- Enjoy the party.

- Congratulations, Mr. Secretary.
- Thanks.

Secretary Cleary, John Ryan.

- Hi, John.
- I just wanted to tell you how much...

...I enjoyed your position paper
on economic expansion in Micronesia.

You've read my position paper?

I read it while I was
sailing my boat to Bermuda.

A sailor?

- Good man, take a seat.
- Oh, thanks.

You didn't happen to catch my speech...

...on the Paraguayan debt
and money supply issue, did you?

Are you kidding me?
I thought it was great.

Your argument for the inverse ratio
of capitalization to debt was genius.

Now, if we can just get Congress
not to be so shortsighted.

Yes. Well put. "Shortsighted."

John, what do you say you and I head out to
the deck and light up a couple of cigars?

- Stogies?
- Yeah.

Why not?

It's just that we lost a lot
of really good men out there.

I'm sorry.

Gloria, I think I gotta
go get some fresh air.

Thank you so much for the dance
and it was wonderful to meet you.

I wish I were stronger.

Jeremy!

Jeremy, wait up!

- John, you seem like an astute man.
- Thank you.

Maybe you can help
explain something to me.

See that young man
out there on the dock?

- Sure.
- That's my son, Todd.

Twenty-two years old,
the whole world in front of him.

Every advantage in life,
advantages I never had.

Well, that's not exactly true.

He had the same advantages I had,
which is a hell of a lot of advantages.

So here's my question:

What's he got to be so morose about?

Maybe he hasn't found
something to believe in.

Oh, he says he believes in art.

But all I've seen him do...

...is dribble his own blood on a canvas
and smear it around with a stick.

- You know, some people call that art.
- It's crap.

What about having a public service,
an obligation to our fellow man?

Well, maybe he's...

Maybe he's just trying to find
his own way, his own path.

I mean, you cast a pretty big shadow.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, perhaps...

...I should take it easier on him.

Perhaps.

Death, you are my bitch lover!

Todd, that's good!

Tell that mean ocean!

Oh, see that?

It's a start.

So you dove into the icy water?

Why would a man risk his own life
for the life of a complete stranger?

The great 19th century philosopher
Schopenhauer...

...he said, at that moment, when a human
sees another human in danger...

...that there's this breaking in
of metaphysical awareness.

Do you know what
that awareness is, Gloria?

- What?
- That we're all one.

That separateness is an illusion.

And that I'm one with everyone.

With the prime minister of England
and my cousin Harry.

You and me.

The fat kid from What's Happening!!

The Olsen twins.

Natalie Portman.

The guy who wrote Catcher in the Rye.

Nat King Cole.

Carrot Top.

Jay-Z.

- "Weird Al" Yankovic.
- Hm.

Harry Potter, if he existed.

The whore on the street corner.

Your mother.

- We're all one.
- We are?

That my hands are your hands.

Oh.

And that my cheek...

...is really your cheek.

And that my lips...

Are my lips.

According to Mr. Schopenhauer,
they are.

Well, the guy wants to run for president.

Oh, so you're hiding, I see.

He thinks Moby Dick is
a venereal disease.

Well, that's what I need. Claire.

Sorry to interrupt.

- Christina wants to talk to you.
- Fun's over.

- Yeah.
- Funny.

- Franklin!
- What a great guy.

You are a big hit at this wedding.

Well, everyone's so nice. It's easy.

- They're all full of shit.
- What?

Half of these people are here
because of my dad.

They're all just, you know,
suckling at the power teat.

No, no. Come on, they're here
because they want to believe...

...they're in the presence of true love.
That's why people come to weddings.

Because they wanna believe in true love.

What's true love?

True love is your soul's recognition
of its counterpoint in another.

Well, it's a little cheesy, but I like it.

I saw it on a bumper sticker.

- So you gonna give a toast?
- Yes.

- You nervous?
- Mmm, little bit, um.

- What are you gonna say?
- Would you...?

- You keep it in your cleavage.
- Nowhere else to put it.

Normally, I'm not very good at these things,
but I think this one's pretty good.

"I never thought my sister
would find someone..."

"...who cared about what other people
thought as much as she did..."

- "...until I met Craig"?
- Yes.

That's funny.
That's funny because it's true.

You know, people like funny.

I know. But the whole
funny-because-it's-true bit...

...only works if the truth
is a small thing.

Like, "Everyone knows
Jennifer likes to shop, ha, ha, ha."

You're better off going
with something from the heart.

I think that people are gonna like this.

I think you're gonna hear crickets.

- I think you're wrong.
- Sounds of silence.

- Nope. Mm-mm.
- Okay, go walk the plank.

- I'm sticking to it.
- Go ahead.

Hey, meet me at the back of the room.
I'll be waiting to say, "I told you so."

Good luck.

And so, after my ninth stint
in rehab, um, Craig...

Oh, Craig.

Craig was the only one
who still believed in me.

Been sober now for eight months.

And, uh, I thank God every day...

...for sending me a friend like Craig.

I love you, man.

I never thought my sister
would find someone who cared about...

...what other people thought
as much as she did until I met Craig.

Uh...

As you all know,
my sister and Craig are both lawyers...

...at big law firms in New York.

But that's not the only thing
they have in common. Um...

They both like the color green...

...like Craig's eyes and money.

Um, heh...

You know, someone once told me that...

...true love is...

...the soul's recognition
of its counterpoint in another.

And I think that
that's a very rare thing in this world.

And I think it's something to be valued.

And I'm just really happy
that my big sister's found it.

Congratulations, Chris.

Thank you.

Ah!

- That was amazing!
- It was really great.

We should probably head back
so they're not looking for us.

I always knew my first time
would be on a beach.

First time?

You were a virgin?

- Mm-hm.
- Wow.

Jeremy, we're gonna
be so happy together.

I love you.

- I'm sorry?
- I love you.

- You totally saved me.
- No.

- Yes.
- Claire, come on. Come on.

Oh, baby, you were awesome.

- No.
- Listen to me, awesome.

Okay.

John, this is my boyfriend, Sack.

- Hey, fella.
- How you doing?

- Listen, we gotta go meet the Schreibers.
- Okay.

It was great to meet you.

Thank you.

Boom, I gotcha.

- How you doing?
- Oh, great. Good to see you.

I gotta get out of here, pronto.

- I got a Stage 5 clinger.
- No, no, I need more time.

Did you hear what I just said to you?
Stage 5? Virgin? Clinger?

Let's go, I'm gonna start the car.
I'm serious, let's go.

I don't think you appreciate the urgency.

Not only is she a virgin,
she's totally off the reservation.

I'm terrified of this broad.

- There you are.
- Hey, Gloria, wow.

What a coincidence, I was just singing
your praises. This is John Ryan.

- Oh, hi.
- Yeah.

My family and a few friends, we're all
going back to our place on the shore...

...and it would be so great
if you guys came.

Really?

- Sounds sort of wonderful.
- I am...

Well, it does, it sounds very nice.

And I'm flattered that you would
think of me...

...to include me in something like that.
Thank you.

It kills me however to have to tell you
I'm sorry, I just...

- Timing's no good. I can't make it.
- Why?

- It's gonna be so much fun.
- It's gonna be so much fun.

I'm sure it will be fun
for the people that are going.

I unfortunately can't go. I don't have...
I only have this monkey suit.

- I don't have any clothes.
- No, we have everything you need.

- Problem solved. Problem solved.
- The problem's not solved.

- Deal us in.
- Oh, cool, cool, cool.

I'm gonna run and find my dad.

Don't ask your dad.
Don't ask your...

- The train's going. We gotta get on.
- Why not just feed me to the lions?

- What?
- Step on my head when I'm drowning.

- What?
- What do you mean, what?

John, this is completely
against the rules.

You have a wedding and a reception
to seal the deal. Period.

- There's no overtime. No.
- Oh, no overtime?

What about the Chang wedding
three years ago?

- Oh, that's bullshit.
- Yeah, thought I forgot about that.

Two a.m., you dragged me 50 miles
to watch you and some chick...

...play mahjong with her grandmother
at a retirement home.

- Yeah, completely different situation.
- How?

What do you mean, how?
She was a very, very family-oriented girl.

She was very into her grandmother.

- Give me a break.
- That was my first Asian!

- You better lock it up.
- You better lock it up.

- No, you lock it up. Lock it up.
- You lock it up. Lock it up.

Please. It would mean
so much to me. Please.

Look at the way he's looking at me.

He doesn't like me.
He's the secretary of the treasury.

To be honest with you,
my taxes aren't exactly in line.

- You're being paranoid.
- He's threatened by the way I dance.

Damn it. Why'd I have to
go showing off like that?

Now I'm all over his radar. Stupid.

You're not that good a dancer.

Oh, please. You and I both know
I'm a phenomenal dancer.

Now I know you're lying.
You'll do anything to get me to go...

...even if I have to walk
right into the lion's den.

Gloria, come on!

You know I'm not gonna give in
to this kind of behavior.

She's like a kid at Toys "R" Us.
I can't be around it.

Oh, get off your high horse.
Stop judging people.

You take off the white wig
and you stop judging me.

I don't want to be around
someone who's a nut job.

- I need alone time with her.
- You wanna hang out with Claire...

...the boyfriend and Sybil,
by all means. I'm not going.

I'll lay it out for you
in chapter and verse: You're going.

Let me break it down for you,
I'll hold your hand like a small child:

- I'm not going.
- You are.

- You can go if you want.
- You're gonna be a team player.

- No, I'm not.
- He'd love you to come.

- Yes. Yes! Baba ganoush!
- Well...

Baba ganou!

Okay, okay. Home sweet home.

Thank you, Sack. Thank you.

- You okay?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come here, come here.

Are you okay? I'm gonna need 100 percent of
Jeremy and you're looking a little weird.

She took me below deck for 45 minutes.
I don't have any bodily fluids left in me.

Gentlemen, everything okay?

- Great. Yep.
- Great?

You know, we were thinking about
a little game of touch football, you know?

- Yeah?
- Cleary family tradition.

A little pigskin, why not?

- Great.
- Don't forget to stretch, guys.

We're gonna be on the field in 10.

I'm open, I'm open!

There you go. Nice, nice, nice.

There you go.

Clothes fit.

I'm not even gonna say it,
but you know I'm upset.

I know you are.
I think you look good.

You know I don't look good.

Hey, honey! I'm over here!

Are you ready?
Are you ready for some football?

You want the noise brought on you?
Here it comes.

- The what?
- The noise brought on you.

- Here it comes.
- Just hike the ball, nut job.

Ready! Set! Hut! Hut! Hike!

One Mississippi, two Mississippi,
three Mississippi.

Over here! Me, me, me!

Yes!

- Wow.
- Whoo!

Yes! Crab cakes and football!

- That's what Maryland does!
- Nice one.

- A little out of shape?
- Yeah.

- Way to bring it.
- Anticipate that rush.

- I saw you had it.
- Hey, shut up!

- You gotta anticipate that rush.
- Of course I do.

- You did a great job.
- What happened, Toast?

I think he's on steroids.

It was like trying to cover
a fucking racehorse.

- Get it up! Get it up!
- Well, don't worry about it.

- We'll burn them with the post.
- No, no. No, I got a better idea.

Look, I want you to fake the post...

...throw an interception to Claire,
get her to feel good.

Gets her involved.
You think you can do that?

John, I was first team, all-state.
I can put the ball wherever I want to.

I'll make it rain out here.
All right, guys, bring it in. Blue 17!

Blue 17! Red 7!

- Oh, you're gonna cover me?
- Like white on rice.

All right, I like my odds here.
I'm gonna give you a little warning:

- I'm going downtown.
- Hot route!

Red 7, Red 7, Red 7!

Look for me in the end zone,
I'll be the guy holding the ball.

- John! Red 7!
- What?

- I don't know what "Red 7" means.
- Hot route!

I don't... What is "hot route"?

Will you just go stand
on the other side, please?

Are you running away from me?

- No. I'm just getting over here.
- You scared?

- Down!
- Come on.

Ready, down, set!
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!

Go, Jeremy!

Hey, yo! Hit me! Hit me!

Booyah!

That's what we call a "Sack lunch"!
Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Ow, burn.

Big tree fall hard, right?

How many fingers I got up?
Come on, Pepe, how many fingers I got up?

Oh, come on, I got four.
Okay, here's five.

Man down! We got a man down.
You okay?

Hey, is your brother okay?

- What? Ah, he's fine.
- I can't breathe.

- What's that?
- I can't breathe.

No, no, no, I think he's really hurt.

Well, serves him right after that throw.

Hey. Baba ganoush.

I don't know what
got into me, secretary, I just...

I do. Five generations
of Lodge family breeding.

- Your father used to pull the same stunt...
- I can't breathe.

- ...when we were your age.
- I can't breathe.

You okay?

Great. You threw it perfectly.

Come on, get up.

- Don't oversell it.
- I'm not selling anything.

Come on, stop milking it.
You make us look like a bunch of pussies.

Jeremy. Sit this play out.

Todd, come on in.

You must be joking.

It wouldn't kill you to play
some competitive sports...

...once in a while, would it?

Oh, would that make you love me?

Pfft. Jesus.

Hey, Jeremy, Red Moon Dog 7-11.

Forty-two, 30-teen.

Hut one! Hut two!

Blitz!

- Oh! Ah!
- Jeremy!

- That looked like it hurt.
- Ooh.

- I got you.
- No, you didn't.

- You're cheating.
- You're cheating.

Oh, my God.
Your brother, he's down again.

What is his deal?

I don't know what's getting
into me today, guys.

Nature versus nurture, Lodge.
Nature always wins.

What are you doing?
It's a game of touch.

Every time I look over,
you're on your ass again.

If I had any air in my lungs,
I'd scream at you.

Oh, now you're gonna blame me?

Because you're not athletic enough
to stay on your two feet?

I hate you.

Let's take a daiquiri time-out.

- Daiquiris.
- Daiquiris.

Oh.

Sweetheart, why don't you take him
into the house and fix him up?

- Sure, Mom.
- No, don't baby him.

It just makes it worse.

Oh, my back hurts.

Oh, great. Game's over. Satisfied?

You got everyone on you now.
Get all the attention.

Come on, baby.

It's hot out here.

- Yeah, it is.
- Yeah.

You should have played
in your underwear.

I'll get you a drink.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Hss, it burns.

- It stings. Oh, Jesus.
- Poor baby.

You want me to blow on it?

No. No, no, no.

No, I don't need any blowing.
I'm good. Thank you.

Jeremy, I'm not wearing any panties.

- That's right.
- Oh. Yeah...

Okay. That's fun. That's nice.

Okay. Oh, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's fun. Yeah, that's fun.

Okay, Gloria. You need to stop.
Yeah, that's fun.

That's fun. That's fun.

Don't you worry, Gloria.
Mum's the word.

Thank you, Randolph.

- A little more discreet, though, okay?
- Hee, hee.

Jesus Christ.

Don't worry, he won't say anything.

I'm confused. Like eight hours ago
you were a shy little virgin...

...and now you're not wearing any panties.
I'm trying to catch up with you.

You do that to me. Ooh.

- Where's my little friend?
- No, no, no.

- Where's my little friend?
- He's tired.

He's in time-out. He's in time-out.

Gloria, please. I'm exhausted.
I'm exhausted. I've had a very long day.

I had your sister's boyfriend dry-hump me
up and down the field all afternoon.

My leg's cut and bleeding. I'm just...
I'm not really in the mood for this.

- Fine!
- Ow, Jesus Christ!

My father warned me about
people like you, Jeremy.

- I'm just another notch on your belt.
- It's not like that. It's not like that.

Really? Then what's it like, Jeremy, huh?

- Ow! Ow!
- Huh?

No! Wait! Wait!

It's just that I'm feeling very strongly...

...that we're only expressing ourselves
in a physical, sexual-specifically way.

That's it! Wait!

And I'd like to play some catch-up
on finding out who's inside here.

Okay?

- Jeremy.
- Heh, heh.

- Jeremy, you're amazing.
- Oh, God, I think you're amazing.

- Oh, my God, don't ever leave me. Good.
- Ever.

Because I'd find you.

Yeah.

Of course, like all kids,
I had imaginary friends, but not just one.

I had hundreds, and all of them
from different backgrounds...

...who spoke different languages.
One of them, his name was Caleb...

...he spoke a magical language
that only I could understand.

Get him all patched up?

I sure did, Daddy.

Gloria bug.

You go change for dinner.

Okay.

Phew.

You know, she's not just
another notch on the old belt.

I don't even wear a belt. Beltless.

I'm a very powerful man.

Yes, you are.

See you for dinner.

So I am president of the
Environment Defense League.

And I pick up this little sea otter...

...and wipe off the oil
from the tanker spill.

You gotta step this up already.
I'm gonna give you the damn eye drops.

No, I don't want them. It's too hardcore.

- Do you want to be alone with her?
- Yes.

Put these in his drink and he'll be going
down on a toilet seat for the next 24 hours.

I don't wanna do it. I can beat this guy.
Let's be honorable for once.

And the whiskers.

And the oil's... The
oil's flapping, he goes:

- Give me the eye drops.
- Thank you.

Perfect.

Let us bow our heads in prayer.

Heavenly Father...

...we thank you for thy bounty
on this table...

...and ask that you bless
the entire Cleary family...

...and all the friends here assembled.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Oh, these scallops look fantastic.

I bought them from an organic scallop farm
right off the coast of Nattachoke.

Actually, Sack got the governor
to subsidize part of the project.

And now it's the state's only
self-sustaining scallop farm.

Say that five times fast.
You can't do it. Self-sustaining...

They look terrific. Maybe
I'll actually try some...

...when I get the sensation back in
my face. From the football game.

Again, Jeremy, I'm sorry. You know,
I have this damn competitive streak, um.

- I'm seeing a Buddhist about it.
- Not just any Buddhist.

His Holiness, the Dalai Lama.
He's a good friend.

Stop traffic.
Because when I go back to town...

...I'm actually gonna see an orthopedist
about what you did to my back.

Not just any orthopedist.
I'm gonna see a Dr. Epstein...

Hey, Sack, how long have you
and Claire been seeing each other?

Claire and I? What's it been, sweetheart?
A couple years?

Three and a half.

Yeah, actually, we started dating
while we were doing Habitat for Humanity.

Sure.

Pretty soon we'll be getting married.

Yep.

Well, not too soon, um...

We still have a lot of things
that we want to accomplish.

Anyway, once Claire
and Sack tie the knot...

...two of the great American families,
the Clearys and the Lodges...

- ...will finally unite.
- Hear, hear.

And then, of course,
you can challenge the Klingons...

...for interstellar domination, right?

Jeremy. I saw you on the dance floor.

You move pretty good.

Oh, thanks a lot.

I really just got lucky.

I was more in the zone
than anything else.

It was the booze dancing, heh, heh.

Sorry, guys, I forgot.
How are you connected to the family again?

Uncle Ned's kids.

You know, Uncle Ned?

Aunt Liz's brother. Ned and Liz.

- Hm. No, I don't know.
- So, Jeremy...

...you and your brother are
venture capitalists.

- That's right.
- That's great.

Venture capitalist.
The backbone of the system.

- It's the new pioneer.
- New pioneer.

So is it just about the money?

No, no, it's about...

...investing in companies that are
ethically and morally defensible.

- Like what? Give me an example.
- Like what? Well, there's the company...

...that we have where we're taking
the fur or the wool from sheep...

...and we turn it into thread
for homeless people to sew.

And then they make it into cloth,
which they in turn sew...

...then make little shirts and pants...

...for other homeless people to sell.
It's a pretty good deal.

- People helping people.
- Yeah.

That's very admirable.

Thank you. Although don't make me out
to be a saint just yet.

We do turn a small profit.

After all, someone has to pay for
the lap dances for the big guy here.

He's joking around.
It feels so good when he jokes.

What's this company called?

- Holy sh...
- Shirts & Pants. Holy Shirts & Pants.

It's a little corny and obvious...

...but what do you get
out of being subtle, right?

Well, that's a hell of a good project.

I'm gonna mention something
to the commerce secretary.

That would be terrific.
That would be great, huh?

Terrific, it was terrific.

Isn't my Willy doing a wonderful job
there in Washington?

- Mommy.
- You know, Willy's father, my husband...

...was the secretary of state
for President Franklin Roosevelt.

That must have been so thrilling. FDR.

My gosh, FDR was a wonderful President.

He was a doll.

The wife, though, Eleanor?

- Big dyke.
- Oh, Lord.

Huge dyke. A real rug muncher.

Looked like a big lesbian mule.

Grandma, you can't talk
like that, okay? It's not right.

Somebody get me another Scotch
for chrissakes.

I think I'm gonna go to bed.

- Honey, are you okay?
- Oh, yeah.

I'm fine.
You know, I'm just a little tired. Thanks.

- Okay.
- You all right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

What an athlete.
A tremendous competitor.

I know.

Todd, I noticed that you haven't even
touched your food yet.

- I don't eat meat or fish.
- He's a homo.

Mommy, let's not go there again.

Actually, Todd is an amazing painter.

He's going to the Rhode Island
School of Design.

Oh, that's a great school.
Congratulations, Todd.

That's really impressive. RISD.

Yeah, Dad used to think
I'd be a political liability...

...you know, in case
he ever ran for president.

Now, Todd. Actually, truth be told...

...polling shows a majority
of the American people...

...would ultimately empathize
with our situation.

- What is our situation, Dad?
- You're a homo.

Oh, for God sakes, William,
put Mommy to bed already.

Okay. Mommy, we've had a long day.

I can do it myself, asshole.

Wow.

I'll be in my room painting.

Homo things.

You just go right ahead, Toddy.

- Wonderful scallops.
- Absolutely. Wonderful.

You know, I think
I'm gonna get some air.

Oh, I'll get some air
if you want some company.

- Sure.
- Let me just change my shoes.

- Excuse me.
- All right. I'm gonna...

Can't walk away from the delicious food
that we got here.

I just had my tits done.

You like them?

Those seem like lovely tits.

William doesn't give a shit about my tits.

Well, darn him.

But, Mrs. Cleary, this is pretty sudden.

You've been playing cat and mouse
with me ever since you came here.

- Mrs. Cleary, I don't...
- Call me Cat.

- Okay, Cat...
- Call me Kitty Cat. Rowr.

Okay, Kitty Cat, this feels
borderline inappropriate, and...

- Feel them.
- What?

- I said, feel them.
- Mrs. Cleary...

Kitty Cat.

I'm sorry, Kitty Cat.
Are you out of your fucking mind?

I'm not letting you out of this room...

...until you feel them.

Wow, they feel really nice. Real orb-like.

It's amazing what they can do to...

Pervert.

Mom make you feel her tits?

Did you say something, Todd?

Mom make you feel her tits?

Todd, where are you going with this?

Just don't say anything
to my dad, though.

Some friend of my sister's...

...she said something to my dad
a couple of years ago...

...he now lives in a shack in Guam.

Not by choice.

Stop kidding with me, Todd.
You almost had me.

Come on.

- John, I need to talk to you.
- No, not right now.

What's wrong with you? Why you got
the weird look all over your face?

Claire's mom just made me
grab her hooters.

Well, snap out of it! What? A hot
older woman made you feel her cans?

- Stop crying like a little girl.
- I wasn't crying like a little girl.

Try getting jacked off under
the table in front of the family...

...and have some real problems.
Jackass.

What were they like?
They look pretty good. Are they real?

Are they built for speed or for comfort?
What'd you do with them?

Motorboat? You play the motorboat?
Pbbbbt.

You motorboating son of a bitch.
You old sailor, you.

Where is she? She still in the house?

What is wrong with you?

What do you...?
What's wrong with you?

- What's wrong with you?
- What's wrong with you?

- You're projecting.
- Drop it.

You drop it.
You stop projecting on me.

You go enjoy yourself
while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.

- Drop it!
- "Team player."

Oh, Mr. President.

What do you want?

You're in my room.

Oh, dear.

I'm too drunk to walk,
so carry me to my room.

Carry you?

Sure.

You banging the daughter and the grandma?

- How much jam you got, man?
- Jam?

Listen, man.
The family dog live downstairs.

I can wake him up for you if you like.
His name is Snooky.

- You could not be more wrong...
- Just be gentle with her, okay?

She be pushing 90.

Jesus Christ.

Hey. Good thing I didn't hold my breath.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I just, uh...

Sorry I'm late, I just...

You okay?

No, no, I'm fine, I just...

I just got held up.

My family's a little strange.

A little strange?

Come on. Claire.

Your family are totally nuts.

- And guess what.
- What?

- I love it.
- You do?

- Yeah, it seems great.
- Really?

- Yes.
- I get a little self-conscious.

It's a family. You're mixing it up.

You got the sweet little grandma
who's really sweet...

...with her, like, little, like, white
hair, but then she's kind of mean.

But you're like, "Well, fuck it, she's
so old, and she's not gonna change now."

Shit, it was great.

I just hope I didn't embarrass myself
with that stupid joke I told.

Are you kidding? That was so funny.

- No, really? Really?
- Yeah. Yeah, you're like that crazy guest...

...who thinks he's part of the family.
It's great.

Doesn't sound that great.
That sounds horrible.

- No, it's cute.
- The crazy guest who thinks he's...

...like, part of the family who's gonna say
inappropriate stuff? What is that?

Yeah. You know, you break the ice.

- Yeah.
- It can be so stuffy sometimes in there.

Claire?

- Yeah?
- There you are.

Have you checked on Sack?
I think he's pretty sick.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. No, I'll be right in.

- I should... I should go check on him.
- Yeah, sure, okay.

Yeah, we'll take a walk some other time.

Claire.

Mm-hm?

I'll talk to you later.

Okay.

Oh, no.

Are you okay?

Well, Claire...

...my head's buried in a toilet.

What do you think?
Why don't you do the math, okay?

Honey, it's okay to be vulnerable
sometimes. It's just me.

Yeah, you can just cut that psychobabble
bullshit that your mom tells you, okay?

- Right.
- Hey, you wanna help me out?

Do you? Do you, kid?
Why don't you go get me a 7-Up, okay?

All right, because I think I'm...
I think I might get vulnerable again.

- What the fuck is going on?
- Shh.

You'll wake my dad.

Baby, I started thinking
about what you said before...

...and I think the problem is I am not
being adventurous enough for you.

Gloria, I am pretty sure that is not
what I've been saying to you.

Shh.

Baby...

...I'm gonna make all
your fantasies come true.

But this is not a fant...

I love you.

Gloria, go to sleep, honey.

It's not Gloria.

Jesus Christ.

We had a moment
at the dinner table.

We did not have a moment
at the dinner table.

Yes. We had a moment.

I was there. I would have noticed
if there was a moment.

I made you a painting.

What?

I call the painting "Celebration."

It's sexual and violent.

I thought you might like it.

No.

Where's that coming from? You hear that?

- Hide! You gotta hide! Yes.
- No. They need to know about us.

- It's okay.
- Hide, hide, hide! Please, please, please.

Not there. Not there! I'm not comfortable...
I'm not comfortable with that!

- Let's play tummy sticks.
- What's tummy sticks?

I don't want to play. Get in the closet.

It's okay,
I was where you were a year ago.

Get in the fucking closet right now.
You go get in the closet!

You go get in the closet!
You go get in the closet!

Go.

I'll pop out at the right moment.

No, you will not.

Everything okay in here?
I thought I heard something.

I was just having a bad dream.

I know about bad dreams.

You know, Todd...

...screams at night sometimes.

You know, the doctors call it
night terrors. I don't know.

Okay, then.

Sleep well.

There's nothing terrifying
about the night.

Now, listen, if you let me
go to bed and get some sleep...

...then we can talk tomorrow.

- You won't make time for me.
- If I get my sleep...

...I'd love to make time
and talk about, uh, different things.

Like paintings.

Can't wait for tomorrow,
when I got energy and I can share stuff.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Oh, it's gonna be great.
- You sleep.

Okay. That was nice.

That was nice.
Please let me just sleep.

I can't take this fucking shit anymore.

There he is.
It's the big guy! Get in here.

Wait till you see the spread.
Anything you want.

Yeah, well, get what you want to go.

Ferry leaves in 25 minutes.
We gotta get out of here.

Whoa, what's your problem?
Have some of this stuff.

I didn't get a lot of sleep
last night, John. I'm fried.

- Soft mattress?
- Yeah, that could've been it.

It could have been the soft mattress,
or the midnight rape...

...or the nude, gay art show in my room.

One of those probably added
to the lack of sleep.

Try one of these scones,
you'll love them.

I'm a little too traumatized.
Let's move.

Will you slow down for a second?
The whole eye-drop thing backfired.

Okay? It didn't work. She had to
leave me and go attend to him.

Why are you looking at me like that?

You're falling for this broad.

No. I just met her.

Exactly. I'm gonna go.

- You can't go.
- Watch me.

Watch me take this
on down the road.

Look, if you leave, Gloria is gonna
freak out and throw a shit fit...

...and it's gonna go into crisis
lockdown mode here at the house.

I don't give a baker's fuck.

I just had my own sock duct-taped
into my mouth last night.

- Whoa, what?
- Yeah, the sock...

...that I wore around all day,
playing football in, pouring sweat in...

...was shoved into my mouth,
and there was duct tape over it.

Let's talk about it. I'm a good listener.

I'm not in a place to discuss
what happened. Okay?

I felt like Jodie Foster
in The Accused last night.

I'm gonna go home,
see Dr. Finkelstein...

...and I'm gonna tell him
we got a whole new bag of issues.

We can forget about Mom for a while.
I'm gonna go.

Suit yourself. Rule number 1.

Rule number 1: Never leave
a fellow crasher behind.

- I can't believe how selfish you are.
- I need you.

A friend in need is a pest.

I'll stick it out with you
because you're desperate.

I need the big guy.

I'll give you a little bit more time
because somebody can't close.

- Fair enough.
- But if you want my help, listen.

Number one: Stop being a pussy.

Number two: Make a move.

Number three...

You know it.

Could you pop the syrup for me?
Just as a top off?

Here's what's gonna happen, Tonto.

Kimosabe's gonna have some flavor.

- I choose not to eat with you.
- We're not eating together?

No. I'd like to recharge my batteries,
and shut down the engines...

...and get myself back to neutral.

When the meal's over with,
I will talk to you.

I don't want to get into
what happened last night.

Let's get through today, let's keep
our eye on the prize, let's focus...

- ...and let's close some ass.
- Noted.

Can I tell you something
without you getting angry?

I love you.

Yeah, you, big guy.

I love you too.

Hello.

- Trapster, it's Sack.
- Sackmaster.

- How was the wedding?
- Oh, it was boring, you know.

But the bachelor party,
of course, rocked.

We got Heidi, a couple of those fucking sluts
from the environmental group, remember?

No way. Did you tap that again?

Once at my place,
then once back in the cab.

Damn! Sluts.

Oh, how's Claire?

Still trying to figure out
what she's doing with her life?

Claire? She's, you know,
whatever, I don't know.

She's saving the world
one maladjusted kid at a time.

But that'll all change
when we're married.

I want a wife.
I don't want a fucking martyr, right?

I hear that, my friend.

Hey, man, listen, I, uh, got...

Do you remember
that private detective we used...

...to set up that
Shearson Lehman prick?

The "Big Sleazy," Tommy Gufano.
He's a wop genius.

Yes. I need you to get some dirt
on these two guys...

...John and Jeremy Ryan.
They're brothers from New Hampshire.

They got some sort of N.P.O. called
Holy Shirts & Pants.

- I will check into them.
- Excellent, bro.

- You the man.
- Take it easy.

Where's Sack?

Oh, he's still not feeling very well.

Well, then, we'll sail without him.

- John, my boy.
- Yes?

We're tacking back round.

Do me a favor, ease the sheets...

...swing the jib starboard.

Okay, let me, uh...

Okay.

One minute.

- Hi. How's it going?
- Hi.

Oh, just swinging the jib here
for your dad.

Starboard. Trying to get it over here
and crease the sheet.

But starboard's this way.

- Oh, that's right. What am I...?
- Yeah.

- What am I thinking?
- I'll help.

- Okay.
- Hang on, hang on.

Watch the jib boom.

All right, push it. Push it this way.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is better.

- Come on, use some muscle.
- There we go.

All right, that's beautiful.
Done. Done.

I'm used to sailing down under
with the Kiwis...

...so everything is backwards.

Even the toilets, when you flush them,
the water spins the opposite way.

Really freaks you out
the first time you see it.

John, my boy.

Come on up here.

Man the Woodwind for a while.

On my way.

Hey, your dad was telling me
about a great beach near here...

...that maybe we could check out,
if you have any interest, when we get back.

- Yeah.
- Great.

Okay, it can get confusing up here.
If you have a problem, just give me a call.

Thank you.

Ah, sailing. What have we got, captain?

Take the wheel.

- Thanks.
- How would one get to this Sook's Bend?

Actually, it would be
a really nice bike ride.

Everything's ready for the quail hunt!

- Sack?
- For the quail hunt?

It's a Cleary family tradition.

Well, I think you might have to deal me
out on this, because we were gonna...

Nonsense, I insist.

John, you gotta go. You're gonna love it.
You're gonna love it.

Sack, honey, you a little bit sick
for hunting?

Oh, no, I'm great. Honey, I'm great.

No, I'm going. Right? Right?

Okay. You're going.

- So I guess I'll see you later.
- See you later.

Just take it easy, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Mr. Environmental is also a hunter.
It's kind of an interesting combination.

I hunt quail, Jeremy.

They're overpopulated and they're
decimating the grub-worm population.

Got a fucking problem with that?

Not nearly as much as I do with
the attire that you have on...

...or just your general point of view
towards everybody.

But let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.

Have you even shot
one of these things before?

The whole 17 years
we've known each other...

...I've been sneaking off to go on
hunting trips around the world.

No, I don't even know
what the fuck a quail is.

I feel totally ridiculous. It's like,
why do I have to be in camouflage?

So the big bad quail doesn't see me?

I know. It's like, why can't
we hunt something cool...

...like a hawk, or an eagle,
or something with some talons?

That'd be awesome.
Big game, even like a gorilla?

- Yeah. Gorilla.
- Or a rhinoceros.

- Rhino.
- Or a fucking human being?

That'll get you jacked up.

That's a little heavy.

I mean, like... You're hunting
a human being right now.

Most Dangerous Game.

Like a worthy adversary.
Not a human being that's armed...

- Oh, if he wasn't armed.
- ...but a clever human being...

- ...who knows the jungle, or the woods.
- Like a bad guy.

There's something not right
about these guys.

- What do you mean?
- I mean, it's time to send them home.

Sack, don't do anything crazy.

- I'm just gonna scare them a little bit.
- All right.

To the right!

Ooh.

Ooh.

- They got me!
- Oh, shit.

- They got me!
- Oh, shit.

Ow!

Ow! Jesus!

- You okay, buddy?
- Oh, don't "okay, buddy" me.

We're gonna take a little bike ride, and
then we'll come back and check up on you.

And take care of him, okay? I want you
to get my little angel up and running.

- Hang in there.
- I hope you flip your bike over...

...and knock your two front teeth out,
you selfish son of a bitch!

You leave me in the trenches
taking grenades, John!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Yes!

Whoa.

Come on!

Low down!

Tough luck, Ralphie boy.

- Randolph.
- Shh.

I'm watching my stories, man.

Is that what you get paid to do?

It's exactly what I get paid to do.

Look, I want to know where Claire is.

She took a bike ride down to the beach.

With who?

With that fella from the wedding
that everyone seems to be so fond of.

So you're a venture capitalist?

What does that mean?

Oh, it's really not that
interesting, actually.

You don't sound very enthused.

Well, no, it's just... You know,
things start happening...

...and you go down a road
and you think it's just for a little while.

And then you get caught up in it
and you get kind of into it...

...and just don't even have time
to really ask questions about it.

And before you know it, you're living
a life that you didn't set out to...

...or that you intended to.

Do you know what I mean?

Yes, I do.

I think that there's some great things
that I'd like to do...

...that maybe I'm capable of, hopefully.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

I don't know.

We'll see. I'm still young.

Well...

...you're not that young.

I'm sorry.

Give me your hands.

I know this game. Okay.

I'm not gonna bite you.

Do you want full speed or half speed?

Full.
Oh, ha, ha, wow.

You're never gonna hit me,
I don't think. I'm pretty quick.

- What? You didn't approve of that?
- Let me get settled before you go.

No, because you're supposed to...

You gotta wait until I put them back.

Come on.

So, what about you, with Sack?

Is that a good thing?

Yes, I think it's a good thing.

You don't sound very enthused.

I am.

Well, I mean, I think I am. I...

I'm...

Okay.

I... You know, we've just been
talking so much about the future lately...

...and, uh, I mean, I always assumed
that we would get married.

But...

I'm scared.

I am.

But that that's how everyone feels
before they're about to get married.

I mean, don't you think?

Yeah, no. Don't answer that.

That's my rationalization
and I'm sticking to it.

Fair enough.

And I don't mean to pry.

Yes, you did.

Well, however it works out,
I hope you...

Um...

I hope you realize that
you deserve somebody great.

I have an announcement.

I know that we said
we were gonna wait...

...but given the spirit
of this weekend, well...

Claire, come on. Come on.
Come on, come on, it's okay.

Come on. Come on.

Claire and I are getting married.

Good, Sack. That's wonderful.

Isn't that great?

- Wonderful.
- Wonderful.

Way to go, man. Way to go.

Claire bear, you never told me.

Two of the great American families.

- Claire, you took us all by surprise!
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- You're good! You're good!

Can you just give me one minute?

- Yeah. Mmm.
- Okay.

Great.

Congratulations, young man.

Welcome to the family.
This is wonderful.

Look, kid, I'm sorry. You win some,
you lose some, right? Let's go home.

- No, I'm not... I can't do that.
- What are you talking about?

Look, I think I'm in love with her.

Yeah, I think... I think that you're nuts.
That's what I think.

I'm gonna tell her the truth.

Jesus Christ!

- Hey. How are you?
- Hey.

Okay, listen, Gloria,
you know that I think...

...that you're an amazing person,
a really amazing person...

...but I feel like I have
to be up-front with you.

I really don't see this relationship
going further than this weekend.

- But I love you.
- Yeah.

You'll learn as time goes on
that there's a difference...

...between infatuation and love,
you know?

Obviously, you're gonna have
strong feelings for me...

...because you lost your virginity to me...

- ...but that doesn't mean...
- Oh, I wasn't a virgin.

- What?
- I wasn't a virgin.

Far from it.

I just thought that that's what guys
wanted to hear.

Come on.

Jeremy.

Wow.

Hello, son.

- You okay?
- Not now, Father, please.

No offense to you, I think we might be
on different wavelengths.

I think you'd just be
spinning your wheels with me.

But have a little
of the sacrament here.

No one likes to drink alone.
We'll set you up.

There you go, get your hands on it.
Take it while it's hot.

I'm gonna pour till it's on the tray.
Here it is.

Can I ask you a question, Father?

You ever get horny?

I'm sure you do. But I guess in your
position, right? You're not allowed to...

- ...sleep with anybody, right?
- No.

Does that get tough sometimes?

Do you ever pull on yourself or...?

Everything works?

- Do you get swelled up still?
- Yeah, of course.

- Well, what do you do?
- You pray.

Yeah, I pray too, you know what I mean?

She's good.

I mean, I believed that she was a virgin.

It hurts to be lied to like that.

It's a horrible feeling to feel that way.

But I was looking
to take advantage of something too.

So could I really feel that bad?

It's not like I was who I was.
You know? So fair play.

And let's be honest here, okay?

Let's put all the cards on the table.
She's fit for a straitjacket.

She's fucked three ways
towards the weekend.

And you wanna know what?
I dig it. It turns me on.

Yeah. It turns me on.

You wanna know
what the kicker is, Father?

Maybe I'm a little fucking crazy.
That's right. Maybe Jeremy's a little nuts.

Maybe I'm a little cuckoo.

I know it's a surprise.
It's not on the surface.

I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid.
His name was Shilo.

We used to play checkers
with each other every day...

...and bless his heart,
Shilo would always let me win.

And that ain't normal.
There's something odd in that.

Maybe that's what it takes to make you feel
connected to somebody. I don't know.

I know when that redhead
starts getting kooky...

...that something about me
feels alive inside.

I dig talking with you.
You're an enlightened cat...

...and I like that about you.
I think you're a special, special man.

Okay, come in for the real thing.

- Get in here for the real thing.
- Oh, oh.

I love you. You're a sweet man.

Oh, dear God.

You can't marry this guy.

Why?

Because I've fallen for you.

- Oh, this is wonderful.
- Oh.

Good news travels fast.

Excuse me. I'm just gonna take this.
Sorry, thanks. Thanks.

Trapster, talk to me.

No shit.

And do you maybe feel the same way?

- Maybe.
- Maybe.

That's all I needed to know.

But this is crazy,
because I don't know any...

- Why?
- I don't know anything about you!

- What do you mean?
- You do investments in New Hampshire...

...and you have a crazy brother...

I need to talk to you.
It's not a big deal...

...but maybe you wanna
sit back on the swing.

Run!

Johnny! She's trying to kill me!

- Grandma!
- Get the gun from her!

Put the gun down! Mother, stop!

This is the real world, lady!

You can't just go
shooting people on a whim!

Why does Grandma have a gun?

- What did you do?
- I told you that in confidence.

- That was a confession.
- What are you talking about?

Why don't you tell her, John?

- I don't know what's going on.
- You don't know?

- I'm playing catch-up, too.
- I don't...

- Sack, what are you doing?
- Remembering yet?

- You remember yet?
- Are you okay?

They're not who
they say they are, Claire.

- Those aren't even their real names.
- What?

- Everything he told you is a lie.
- I don't understand.

Claire, they crash weddings.

They crash weddings
so they can sleep with girls.

Everything that they have told us
is a complete fabrication.

- No, you're joking.
- All of it is... Don't you fucking get up.

- Sack, will you just stop?
- Okay, okay.

- Is that true?
- No, well, it's... Not entirely.

No, it's a yes-or-no question.

I know, but it's complicated.

Yes or no?

Yes or no?

Yes.

With shades of gray.

I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding?
Neither are you.

And you wanna know what? I dig it.

Jeremy tried to seduce me!

You did?

I want my painting back.

The painting was a gift, Todd.

I'm taking it with me.

You had me going, son.

I thought it was something special.

There's a ferry leaving in 10 minutes.

I suggest you be on it.

Come on, let's go.

- I want you.
- I love you.

He made a fool out of you, Claire.

Come on, let's go.

Sweetheart.

Now bunch those panties up
into a little ball.

Put that little ball right in your mouth.
Oh, that's good.

- Hang up the phone.
- Okay.

And I will definitely
call you back later then.

- Come on, wrap it up.
- Talk to you soon. Thank you, Larry.

What the fuck?
You can't knock anymore?

- I know how I can get to her.
- What?

I know how I can get to Claire.

Oh.

John, you gotta drop this thing.
I can't do this anymore with you, okay?

It's been months,
you haven't heard anything from her.

She hasn't returned your phone calls,
she's never responded to your letters.

- She didn't respond to the candygram.
- Right.

God knows what happened
to the kitten you got her.

She didn't keep it and I know
you're not raising that thing.

- Okay.
- I think it's very obvious...

...at this juncture that she just flat out
does not wanna see you.

I disagree. Now, look, they're having
the engagement party...

...for her tonight at the Burke's club.
We're going at 7:30.

I'm not g... John, I can't...
Heh, heh, heh.

Okay, okay, listen to me.
Tasmanian devil.

- Listen to me. I can't go.
- Why?

Because I can't go, because I have
a schedule. Because I have...

What is your deal?
What is your problem?

For the past couple months
you've been a ghost.

I can't find you,
and now I come to you with an idea...

...put myself on the line,
you shoot it down with negativity.

Your goddamn negativity.
I don't need it. I'm an idea man.

I thrive on enthusiasm. Don't take
the wind out of my sails. I need you.

Buddy, you know I love you,
and I hate to see you like this...

...but we gotta look at reality here.

There's gonna be Secret Service.
They have pictures of us.

There's not a shot in hell
we can get into this thing.

You're so cautious.
I'm more of a risk taker.

I'm two steps ahead of you
and 10 steps ahead of the Secret Service.

Oh, yeah. 46 extra long,
baba ganoush special.

We're waiters.

Buddy, for your own good,
you gotta let this thing go.

Now, I'm gonna
meet you there at 7:30, okay?

Okay.

- Hey, how do I look?
- Good, man.

- Good.
- Where's your friend?

Late, as usual. Is Claire...?

- Oh, she's looking fine.
- Okay.

Next thing you know they pick me
up, put me on the top of this mountain...

...and they start chanting,
and I realized...

...they thought I was God.

And I'll tell you something,
I thought I was too.

Claire.

Let's dance.

- You.
- Huh?

Let's go, sport.

Whoa, hold it.

Sack!

Okay, Sackmaster, one more.
We should get back to the bar.

You're right.

You get near my fiancée again...

...I'll kill you.

Let me say one thing.

You check out the rack
on that bartender?

Hey, you're the Sack.
She'll come to you.

Oh, my God... Yeah, she will. You're right.

Jeremy!

Goddamn it.

Perfect.

Johnny, wait a second.

Come on, John!

Oh, what time is it?

John, will you wait a second
so I can talk to you?

Hold on, man.

Will you stop? I'm not gonna chase you
down the whole fucking street, man.

- Hold on a second. Let me talk to you.
- About what?

About how you left me high and dry
to get my ass kicked by Sack again?

Sack did that to you?

How long you been sneaking
around with Gloria behind my back?

I wanted to tell you about Gloria.
I tried to. I didn't know how.

And I'm sorry that you had
to find out this way.

I'll level with you.

I care about her a lot.

I love her.

What?

You're unbelievable. Judas.

Rule number 5: You're an idiot.

You're wrong to pull out the
rulebook. There was never rules about this.

What's the rule about walking away? Never
walk away on a crasher in a funny jacket.

Rule number 115.

You're an asshole.

This is John. Whatever.

Hey, John, it's Jeremy.

Just calling to see what you're up to.

Would love to hear back from you, man.

Give me a shout.

We'll do the wedding
in peaches and apricots.

It's a June wedding,
but if the weather turns nasty...

- ...warm colors will really help you.
- That's right...

Johnny.

Johnny, open up, man.

Does anyone ever feel
like they're just...

...disappearing?

I feel so much like giving up.

Yeah!

Get it?

Put your hands out like this.

- Claire.
- Please.

Hi. Thanks for coming.

- Hey!
- Get off her! What are you doing?

- You're supposed to move your hands.
- You're not getting enough attention?

Love doesn't exist.
That's what I'm trying to tell you guys.

And I'm not picking on love...

...because I don't think
friendship exists either.

Hey! Shout!

Shout! Put your hands up and shout!

Are you okay? Get up, buddy.

Move it on.

Gloria, I've been doing a lot
of soul-searching lately...

...and I think that I'm ready
to take, um, this relationship...

...our relationship, to the next level.

To what the next level
of the relationship would be.

- Jeremy. Jeremy!
- Is that good?

I am so ready to take it
to the next level too.

Do you wanna watch me with a girl?

What about those Brazilian twins
we met at the ballgame?

I was... I was thinking more along
the lines of an engagement.

But that sounds terrific.
That sounds unbelievable.

The Brazilian girls were very nice.
They seemed like...

Oh, Jeremy, I do!

- I love you.
- I love you.

I can't believe that
they're getting married.

I mean, don't you think
that's really soon?

Well, you know Gloria. She's impetuous.

Has to have what she wants
when she wants it.

Well, we had to give her a Sweet 16...

...on her 13th birthday.
You remember that.

Yeah, I remember, but this is...

Dad, this is marriage.

When you know what you want,
you know what you want.

So...

...which of these do you like?

Um...

Well, I could go with
the tall tapered arrangement...

...with tulips and freesias and orchids...

...or I could go with a votive
of roses and lilies, I don't know.

- Claire bear.
- Yeah?

What's wrong?

Look...

...we have no way of knowing
what lays ahead for us in the future.

All we can do is...

...use the information at hand
to make the best decision possible.

It's gonna be fine.

- Your whole life is gonna be fine.
- Yeah.

Happy birthday.

Can't let a little pissing and moaning
break tradition.

Right, that's today.

I see you've been getting
into a little light reading.

That's not mine.
I bought that for a friend.

Yeah.

- So how you been?
- Great. Really spectacular.

Good. What have you been up to?

You know, this and that.
Crashing weddings.

- Alone?
- No, not alone.

Well, who you been crashing with, then?

- Chazz.
- Chazz?

- Chazz.
- John, you don't even know Chazz...

Yes, I do. He's a great guy.
We've been having a ball together.

All right, look,
I wanted to come by here...

...and tell you that I feel really bad about
everything that's happened between us.

Your friendship means a lot to me.

I miss seeing you.

I know, I...

Look, I'm happy for you.
I'm glad you found someone.

I can't tell you how glad it makes me
to hear you say that, man.

Get on in here,
let the big bear get his paws on you.

You know I love you.

- It's good to see you.
- Good to see you.

You sure you've been okay?
This does not look like a guy who's okay.

- I know. It's like a pigsty.
- It's like a mosh pit in here.

Listen, I'm getting married.

- Get out.
- What?

- You just said that you were happy for me...
- I'm hanging by a thread.

I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.

- You said it wasn't yours.
- Don't worry about the book.

It isn't mine, but I glanced at it.

John, you've been my friend
for 16 years. I'm getting married.

I need you there to be my best man.

Kindly leave.

- I'm try...
- Kindly leave.

- It'd mean a lot to me if you came.
- Oh, I bet it would, hillbilly.

What?

- White trash.
- What are you talking about?

Out. Out.

You better get your ass to that wedding.

- Yeah?
- Hi, is Chazz here?

Chazz, there's someone
here to see you!

Pick up your fucking skateboard!

Chazz?

What the fuck do you want?

I'm John Beckwith.
I'm friends with Jeremy Grey.

Goddamn it, why didn't you say so?

Come here, brother. Give me a hug.

Bring it in for the real thing.

Have a seat. Yeah.

Goddamn you.

I almost numchucked you,
you don't even realize.

Ouch.

Yeah.

- Is this your place?
- No. No, no, no.

- No, I live with my ma.
- Oh.

Yeah. You hungry?

Hey, Ma! Can we get some meatloaf?

Chazz, I think I'm okay.
I had a bite right before I came over.

- Thank you.
- You sure?

So how's my protégé?

- Jeremy, boy, he...
- Yeah, J-bone.

J-bone is... Believe it or not,
he's getting married.

What?

What an idiot!

Oh, what a loser!

Good. Good. More for me and you.

More for... More for, uh...

I gotta go.

Hey, babe, yeah.

You do whatever you have to do.

- Thanks.
- Okay, be strong.

I'm just living the dream.

That's unbelievable.

Oh, man, I feel like, "Wow!"

It's like I come over,
I don't know what to expect.

I gotta be honest, I come in, it's like... A
little like I'm trying to get my bearings.

There's cartoons, your mom,
and it's like, you still got it!

Look at her.
"Just living the dream," I love that.

I will have some meatloaf.
Let's have some meatloaf.

- You want some? I knew you'd come...
- Yes.

Hey, Mom! The meatloaf!

We want it now! The meatloaf!

What is she doing? I never know
what she's doing back there.

"Just living the dream."
Where did you get that girl?

- She's hot.
- I got her yesterday.

- Yesterday?
- Yeah.

I rode my bike over
to a cemetery nearby.

Her boyfriend just died.

- You met her at a funeral?
- Yeah.

Dude died in a hang-gliding accident.
What an idiot!

Ahh! "I'm hang-gliding!
Honey, take a good picture... I'm dead!"

What a freak.

You met her at a funeral.

Yeah, I'll throw in a wedding every
now and then, but funerals are insane.

The chicks are so horny,
it's not even fair.

It's like fishing with dynamite.

- Horny?
- Yeah, crazy horny.

I just... At a funeral?

Grief is nature's
most powerful aphrodisiac.

- Look it up.
- I didn't know that.

That's what I've learned.

Ma, the meatloaf! Fuck!

Saturday... I got one Saturday.

You're coming with!

Chazz, I'm sorry, I don't...

I'm not judging you,
because I think you're an innovator...

...but there's no way
I'm ready for that.

A time to plant, and a time
to pluck up that which is planted.

A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to break down
and a time to build up.

A time to weep and a time to laugh.

- A time to cast away stones...
- It's so senseless.

Damn you, Roger.

Roger.

Oh!

Damn you, Roger!

Damn it! Damn you!

I'm in pain.

Try to fight it. Try to fight it.

I don't know about you people,
but I'm in pain.

I know that there is no good in them...

...for man to rejoice
and to do good in his life...

...for that which befalleth
the sons of men, befalleth beasts.

Even one thing befalleth...

...as the one dieth, so dieth the other.

Yea, they all have one breath...

...so that a man hath no preeminence
above the beast.

While each man thinks he knows love...

...love, we have learned, is a mystery.

That's what makes today so special.

We witness two people
choosing to marry...

...ones they truly love.

Whoa, whoa, hey!

Hey! Hey!

He's the best man.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I don't believe this.

Hat in hand.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I'm glad you're here.

And I'm sorry I called you white trash.
I didn't...

- John, apology accepted.
- Okay.

And I'm sorry I called you a hillbilly,
I don't even know what that meant.

John, it's okay.

Do you mind if I get married now?

- No, go ahead.
- Okay.

Hi, Todd.

Although we may choose
whom we marry...

- ...we don't always choose...
- Psst.

Claire, I'm not here to
bother you, I just came to be his best man.

Don't worry about me.
Pretend I'm not here.

Okay.

I'm not a nut.

You look really pretty, by the way.
That's all I'm gonna say.

I can't stop thinking about you.

It's all I think about
and I don't know what to do.

- Ahem.
- I'm sorry.

You see, love is mysterious...

God, I miss you.

Okay, excuse me, I'm sorry.

Claire, hold it a second. Claire, Claire.

Claire, will you wait just a second?

All I wanted was a second alone
so I could try to explain things.

But I've never gotten that chance.

Maybe I don't deserve it.

So here goes.

For longer than I care to remember,
my business has been crashing weddings.

I crashed weddings to meet girls.

Business was good.

I met a lot of girls.

And it was childish, it was juvenile...

And pathetic.

Yeah, that's probably
the best word to describe it.

But you know what?
It also led me to you.

So it's hard for me
to completely regret it.

And that person that you met back
at your folks' place, that was really me.

Maybe not my name... I'm
John Beckwith, by the way.

...or my job...

...but the feelings we felt...

...the jokes, the stupid laughs,
that was all me.

I've changed. I've realized something.

- I crashed a funeral earlier, and I...
- Wha...?

Oh, Jesus.

It wasn't my idea.
I was basically dragged to it.

I went with Chazz, who you forgot
to tell me is totally insane.

He also might be a genius, because
it actually does work. He's cleaning up.

- John.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

That's neither here nor there.

And I see this widow and she's a wreck.

She's just lost the person
she loves the most in this world.

And I realized we're all gonna
lose the people we love.

That's the way it is.

But not me, not right now.

Because the person I love the most
is standing right here...

...and I'm not ready to lose you yet.

Claire, I'm not standing here
asking you to marry me.

I'm just asking you...

...not to marry him.

And maybe take a walk.

Take a chance.

Wow. Wow!

This congregation really doesn't care about
how depressing your life is, John, okay?

Claire, baby, could you go back up
on the altar so we can have a wedding?

I'm sorry.

I am.

What?

I can't marry you.

Secretary...

...your daughter's a little...

Sack, I've always liked you...

...so I put up with your stories
about scallops and otters...

...and it's all good because
you seemed to make her happy...

...and that's what matters to me most.

But this is her decision.

I stand by my daughter.

You don't know shit.

- Claire, go back up on the altar.
- No.

Claire! Claire, get up
on that altar right now.

Stop it.

Claire, get your fucking ass
on that altar right now!

Wow, getting a nice preview
of what marriage is gonna be like...

...with Ike Turner here.

- Sack!
- Oh, God, here it goes.

Share that with the Dalai Lama, jackass.

- I think I had him.
- I know you did.

Just go kiss the broad.

Would it be a total cliché
if I kissed you right now?

Yes.

Just wonderful.

So damn beautiful.

With every death there comes rebirth.

- It's the circle of life.
- Oh.

We're gonna be all right.

Hey.

Hey.

- So, what's next?
- I'm starving.

Fujimora wedding, 3 p.m.

Hey, hey.

I'm just throwing it out there.
I'm just saying, just...

They would have great tempura.

We don't even have a back-story,
I just...

- No, forget it, forget it.
- I'm talking out loud.

We're a folk-singing group
from Salt Lake City.

Yeah.

Yes, we are.