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1
00:00:01,934 --> 00:00:04,869
♪ My eyes are gettin' weary
2
00:00:04,871 --> 00:00:07,706
♪ My back is gettin' tight
3
00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:09,574
♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic
4
00:00:09,576 --> 00:00:12,410
♪ On the Queensborough bridge
Tonight ♪
5
00:00:12,412 --> 00:00:17,749
♪ But I don't care
'Cause all I wanna do ♪
6
00:00:17,751 --> 00:00:21,786
♪ Is cash my check
And drive right home to you ♪
7
00:00:23,522 --> 00:00:29,393
♪ 'Cause, baby, all my life
I will be drivin' home to you ♪
8
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:35,800
CARRIE: Beautiful.
9
00:00:35,802 --> 00:00:36,835
Just beautiful, Doug.
10
00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:38,670
I hope you're happy
with yourself.
11
00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:39,804
Yeah, I'm living my dream.
12
00:00:39,806 --> 00:00:42,273
Will you just get me
out of here? I'm stuck!
13
00:00:42,275 --> 00:00:43,675
And it hurts!
14
00:00:45,310 --> 00:00:47,445
So I'm a tight-ass,
huh, Ray?
15
00:00:47,447 --> 00:00:48,880
I didn't say that.
16
00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:52,283
Okay, I said that,
but...
17
00:00:52,285 --> 00:00:53,652
Why'd you tell her, huh?
18
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:55,787
You broke the code!
19
00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:58,456
I was drowning! I was just
trying to reach for something.
20
00:00:58,458 --> 00:01:00,725
Don't blame it on him.
You're the one who said it.
21
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:03,028
What the hell were you thinking,
trying to get up there?
22
00:01:03,030 --> 00:01:04,328
It was Ray's idea!
23
00:01:04,330 --> 00:01:06,497
Stop it with "Ray"!
24
00:01:06,499 --> 00:01:09,100
I cannot believe you get your
friend stuck up in the attic,
25
00:01:09,102 --> 00:01:10,501
you insult me
behind my back--
26
00:01:10,503 --> 00:01:12,137
No, I didn't mean it
as an insult.
27
00:01:12,139 --> 00:01:14,505
"Tight-ass" is not an insult?
How does that work, Ray?
28
00:01:14,507 --> 00:01:17,441
"Hey, swing by the house,
meet tight-ass and the kids."
29
00:01:17,443 --> 00:01:19,144
Look, it wasn't like that.
30
00:01:19,146 --> 00:01:22,346
It's just-- We got back from
golf, and we were talking.
31
00:01:22,348 --> 00:01:25,817
Yeah, yeah!
Mr. Wedge! Oh, yeah!
32
00:01:27,953 --> 00:01:29,620
Stop it, please.
Stop kissing.
33
00:01:29,622 --> 00:01:30,989
You're making me
nauseous.
34
00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:32,390
All right,
how much I owe you?
35
00:01:32,392 --> 00:01:34,192
Uh, 18 bananas.
36
00:01:34,194 --> 00:01:35,426
How'd you get 18?
37
00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:39,497
Bet a dollar a hole.
You lost every hole.
38
00:01:39,499 --> 00:01:40,899
Huh.
39
00:01:42,467 --> 00:01:44,102
Hey, how about
double or nothing,
40
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:46,004
Jets-Denver game Sunday?
41
00:01:46,006 --> 00:01:48,073
You give me the Jets
and 6 points?
42
00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:49,440
All right, you're on.
You're on!
43
00:01:49,442 --> 00:01:51,810
All right, we're both on,
then. All right.
44
00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:54,512
You know what? Why don't
you come over here,
45
00:01:54,514 --> 00:01:55,914
watch the game
on the big screen?
46
00:01:55,916 --> 00:01:58,249
All right, yeah,
but you got to promise me,
47
00:01:58,251 --> 00:01:59,751
no humping the TV
if you win.
48
00:01:59,753 --> 00:02:01,686
Mmm.
49
00:02:01,688 --> 00:02:03,922
I can't give you that.
I hump, win or lose.
50
00:02:05,024 --> 00:02:06,991
Oh, wait a minute.
I forgot.
51
00:02:06,993 --> 00:02:08,159
The game's not Sunday.
52
00:02:08,161 --> 00:02:09,761
It's a Saturday night
game this week.
53
00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:11,529
Oh, man, you're right.
54
00:02:11,531 --> 00:02:12,731
Yeah.
55
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:15,967
Damn! I...
I can't do it now.
56
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:18,236
Saturday night's
date night with the wife.
57
00:02:18,238 --> 00:02:21,840
Yeah. We used to have
date night.
58
00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:23,108
Then we had kids.
59
00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:29,447
Now date night is when
she changes in front of me.
60
00:02:29,449 --> 00:02:31,950
Yeah. I tell you,
Carrie's a maniac.
61
00:02:31,952 --> 00:02:33,551
I can't mess with it.
She'd be like,
62
00:02:33,553 --> 00:02:35,887
"What, you wanna watch the
freaking Jets on our date night?
63
00:02:35,889 --> 00:02:39,290
Ehhhh! I don't think so!"
64
00:02:39,292 --> 00:02:42,660
Hey, Debra can be a little bit
of a tight-ass, too, you know.
65
00:02:42,662 --> 00:02:44,629
Oh, man.
Just how sad is that?
66
00:02:44,631 --> 00:02:46,231
Grown men who can't
watch the game.
67
00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:47,732
Not allowed.
68
00:02:47,734 --> 00:02:51,236
[WHISPERING]
Not allowed!
69
00:02:51,238 --> 00:02:52,436
Hey, you know what we do?
70
00:02:52,438 --> 00:02:54,038
Why don't we get together
with the wives,
71
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,540
and then you and I
can watch the game.
72
00:02:56,542 --> 00:02:58,977
Oh, yeah, yeah. Watch the game
with the women right there.
73
00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:01,646
I like that. Yeah.
74
00:03:01,648 --> 00:03:04,448
Then we'll get hookers too.
That'll be good.
75
00:03:04,450 --> 00:03:07,152
No...
76
00:03:07,154 --> 00:03:08,486
I'm serious.
We get together,
77
00:03:08,488 --> 00:03:10,688
we have dinner, and they start
talking girlie stuff,
78
00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:11,923
and we're in.
79
00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:13,925
They don't care what we're doing
in the other room.
80
00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:15,827
I guess-- I guess it
would work.
Yeah!
81
00:03:15,829 --> 00:03:18,029
But what if they have nothing
to say to each other?
82
00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:19,831
Then--
Then we jump-start them.
83
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:21,332
What?
Yeah.
84
00:03:21,334 --> 00:03:23,601
We jump-start the conversation,
you know, like, uh,
85
00:03:23,603 --> 00:03:25,503
"Honey, didn't you just
get your nails done
86
00:03:25,505 --> 00:03:26,838
at a place around here?"
87
00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,106
And Carrie goes,
"What place?"
88
00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:31,142
Boom! Yakkity yak!
We're at the game!
89
00:03:32,711 --> 00:03:34,712
You son of a gun.
You're smart.
90
00:03:35,714 --> 00:03:37,916
You forgot good-looking.
91
00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:39,984
Now I'm nauseous.
92
00:03:43,455 --> 00:03:45,290
DOUG: Oh, some morecayenne pepper
93
00:03:45,292 --> 00:03:48,626
to turn it up
a notch, and boom!
94
00:03:48,628 --> 00:03:50,962
Let's turn it up
another notch. And bam!
95
00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:53,631
Shimmy-sh-sham!
96
00:03:53,633 --> 00:03:56,134
Hey, honey, you wanna watch me
turn it up a notch? Huh?
97
00:03:56,136 --> 00:03:57,768
Come here. Boom!
98
00:03:57,770 --> 00:04:00,504
Okay, simmer down,
Heffernan.
99
00:04:00,506 --> 00:04:03,708
Uh, that's chef-fernan.
100
00:04:03,710 --> 00:04:06,311
You know what? That just gets
funnier with each barbecue.
101
00:04:07,746 --> 00:04:11,582
Hey, you wanna hand me the,
uh, westa-shire sauce?
102
00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:13,218
What did you say?
103
00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:14,585
The, uh...
104
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:17,989
wester...chester sauce.
105
00:04:19,725 --> 00:04:21,692
That's not the way
you say it.
106
00:04:21,694 --> 00:04:23,895
Well, how do you say it?
Well, I try not to,
107
00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:25,897
but if I have to,
I say it very quickly.
108
00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:27,465
"Pass me the
whoosershire sauce."
109
00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:29,367
You see?
110
00:04:29,369 --> 00:04:31,069
But when you
pronounce it slowly,
111
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:34,105
it highlights
your stupidity.
112
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:36,841
Okay, well, how about we both
learn to say it the right way.
113
00:04:36,843 --> 00:04:37,842
All right.
All right.
114
00:04:37,844 --> 00:04:39,944
It's worst...
Wussher...
115
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:42,113
Woarst...
Wersh...
116
00:04:45,650 --> 00:04:48,452
Whoosherchire...
Westershire...sire...
117
00:04:49,588 --> 00:04:52,490
Okay, that was fun.
This is brutal.
118
00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:53,992
It's gonna be fun tonight,
though, huh?
119
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:56,660
Yes, it's gonna be fun
hanging out with a new couple.
120
00:04:56,662 --> 00:04:58,096
Is the wife nice?
121
00:04:58,098 --> 00:05:00,598
What, Debra? Oh, yeah. Very
sweet. You're gonna love her.
122
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:02,466
She's not all
Long-islandy, is she?
123
00:05:02,468 --> 00:05:03,902
Oh, no, not at all.
124
00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:06,304
What does that mean
anyway?
125
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:09,173
You know, like that woman
from Great Neck.
126
00:05:09,175 --> 00:05:10,208
You remember?
127
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:12,243
I, like, barely
tapped her Jaguar
128
00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:13,511
in the Walbaum's
parking lot.
129
00:05:13,513 --> 00:05:14,512
You remember her?
130
00:05:14,514 --> 00:05:15,579
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
131
00:05:15,581 --> 00:05:17,348
She was like,
"You know, darling,
132
00:05:17,350 --> 00:05:19,483
"you're not the only car
in the parking lot.
133
00:05:19,485 --> 00:05:21,852
Maybe you should look
where you're going."
134
00:05:21,854 --> 00:05:23,554
Yeah, okay.
135
00:05:23,556 --> 00:05:27,992
Why don't you look where
my boot is going, lady?!
136
00:05:29,861 --> 00:05:32,596
What a freaking
piece of work she was, right?
137
00:05:34,533 --> 00:05:36,200
Yeah. Listen,
Deb's never met you,
138
00:05:36,202 --> 00:05:38,602
so tonight you might wanna
just tone it down a notch, huh?
139
00:05:38,604 --> 00:05:39,804
Boom!
140
00:05:41,440 --> 00:05:42,440
What?
141
00:05:42,442 --> 00:05:43,741
You know what
I'm talking about.
142
00:05:43,743 --> 00:05:45,743
I don't want them to think
I married a bouncer,
143
00:05:45,745 --> 00:05:47,111
you know
what I'm saying?
144
00:05:47,113 --> 00:05:49,314
All right, I think I finally
nailed the sauce.
145
00:05:49,316 --> 00:05:51,316
Can you hand me the platter?
Give me the platter.
146
00:05:51,318 --> 00:05:52,917
Come on. New platter,
new platter, new platter!
147
00:05:52,919 --> 00:05:55,519
Platter, platter, platter!
148
00:05:56,956 --> 00:05:59,790
"Tone it...down"?
149
00:05:59,792 --> 00:06:01,592
Oh, Lord.
150
00:06:02,794 --> 00:06:04,895
So what are you saying?
151
00:06:04,897 --> 00:06:06,597
I embarrass you?
152
00:06:06,599 --> 00:06:07,598
Embarrass me?
153
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:11,369
No, no! I'm not--
No! No, no.
154
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:14,305
Hey, did Pam
have her baby yet?
155
00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:17,075
You don't like the way I act
in front of other people?
156
00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:18,109
Is that it?
No!
157
00:06:18,111 --> 00:06:19,910
No, you're fine.
158
00:06:19,912 --> 00:06:22,180
What I meant was when people
who don't know you,
159
00:06:22,182 --> 00:06:24,182
know how great
you are,
160
00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:28,586
sometimes have trouble
seeing past your...
161
00:06:28,588 --> 00:06:30,955
hard candy shell...
162
00:06:32,891 --> 00:06:35,626
to the delicious nut
inside.
163
00:06:38,830 --> 00:06:42,233
You're a delicious nut,
you are.
164
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,267
Who?
165
00:06:43,269 --> 00:06:45,303
You. You really are.
You're a nut.
166
00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:46,437
No, no. Who...
167
00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:50,608
Who can't see past
my hard shell?
168
00:06:50,610 --> 00:06:52,610
Look, nobody, honey.
Well, you just said it.
169
00:06:52,612 --> 00:06:54,245
Now, who?
I don't know.
170
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:56,247
I guess at our wedding,
some of my relatives just--
171
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:57,948
Your relatives
don't like me?
172
00:06:57,950 --> 00:06:58,949
Distant relatives!
173
00:06:58,951 --> 00:07:00,385
I barely even
know them.
174
00:07:00,387 --> 00:07:01,652
Barney
something-or-other.
175
00:07:01,654 --> 00:07:03,287
I don't know.
The problem was,
176
00:07:03,289 --> 00:07:05,289
they never saw
your inner nut.
177
00:07:05,291 --> 00:07:07,492
Okay, could you shut up
about the nut now?
178
00:07:07,494 --> 00:07:09,360
Do you know
what you're telling me?
179
00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:10,928
You don't like
my personality.
180
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:12,630
You're being crazy.
181
00:07:12,632 --> 00:07:13,898
If you're so ashamed of me,
182
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:15,599
why the hell did you
even marry me?
183
00:07:15,601 --> 00:07:16,867
You're hot.
184
00:07:20,072 --> 00:07:21,172
Echh.
185
00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:23,841
Carrie, it's a joke.
I'm kidding!
186
00:07:23,843 --> 00:07:24,909
I love you!
187
00:07:24,911 --> 00:07:26,577
You know what?
Just go away.
188
00:07:26,579 --> 00:07:30,081
Come on! It's not you
I'm worried about, all right?
189
00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:31,082
It's Debra,
all right?
190
00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:33,617
Ray says she's tough
to get along with.
191
00:07:33,619 --> 00:07:35,853
He called her a tight-ass.
That's a quote!
192
00:07:35,855 --> 00:07:37,155
Okay, would you stop
following me?
193
00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:39,357
Carrie,
she's a tight-ass!
194
00:07:40,592 --> 00:07:42,460
[DOORBELL RINGS]
195
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:45,063
Ohh! Come on.
They're here, all right?
196
00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:46,797
Listen, I love you.
All right?
197
00:07:46,799 --> 00:07:48,599
Now, please, could we
just have a nice night?
198
00:07:48,601 --> 00:07:50,201
[DOORBELL RINGS]
199
00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:52,603
Okay, that's the door. I'm gonna
go get it right now, okay?
200
00:07:52,605 --> 00:07:53,804
All right?
So we're good here?
201
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:55,306
Okay?
202
00:07:59,578 --> 00:08:00,711
You're okay, then.
203
00:08:00,713 --> 00:08:02,313
Okay? Okay.
204
00:08:06,151 --> 00:08:08,553
This is good.
This is gonna be fun.
205
00:08:08,555 --> 00:08:10,721
She's gonna be fine.
She's gonna be fine.
206
00:08:31,577 --> 00:08:34,044
You know, I made
the marinade myself.
207
00:08:34,046 --> 00:08:35,646
Did you?
He did, yeah.
208
00:08:35,648 --> 00:08:37,115
I told you he does that.
209
00:08:39,818 --> 00:08:41,219
Don't ask me
what's in it, though,
210
00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:42,453
because it's
a Heffernan secret.
211
00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:43,954
Ooh!
Yeah.
212
00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:47,625
Carrie doesn't even
know, right, hon?
213
00:08:49,094 --> 00:08:52,497
Nobody knows.
Keeping it on the Q.T.
214
00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:55,065
Mum's the word.
215
00:08:55,067 --> 00:08:57,168
Nobody.
216
00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:59,470
Yeah.
217
00:09:00,705 --> 00:09:02,573
Well, whatever's in it,
it sure-- it's yummy.
218
00:09:02,575 --> 00:09:04,342
It's very yummy,
yes.
219
00:09:05,577 --> 00:09:08,146
Uh, Debra, could you
please pass me a napkin?
220
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:09,380
Sure.
221
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:10,414
Thank you.
222
00:09:10,416 --> 00:09:11,649
How did I say that?
223
00:09:11,651 --> 00:09:13,618
Was that the right tone?
224
00:09:15,587 --> 00:09:17,721
That was fine.
225
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:19,957
Because I could
tone it down.
226
00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:21,892
That was fine.
227
00:09:25,330 --> 00:09:27,931
You know what's funny
about corn?
228
00:09:27,933 --> 00:09:29,933
I mean,
corn itself is good,
229
00:09:29,935 --> 00:09:32,102
but corn on the cob,
230
00:09:32,104 --> 00:09:34,705
it just reaches
a whole other level.
231
00:09:34,707 --> 00:09:37,508
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Definitely.
232
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:40,278
It does, right?
Yeah.
233
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:44,582
Well, people like to eat
their corn north to south.
234
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:47,885
Tonight I went east to west.
I like to go east to west.
235
00:09:47,887 --> 00:09:49,086
You know,
like a little typewriter.
236
00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:50,921
Yum yum yum yum yum...
237
00:09:50,923 --> 00:09:52,356
yum yum yum...
238
00:09:52,358 --> 00:09:55,125
yum yum yum...ding!
239
00:09:58,363 --> 00:10:01,965
You know what?
I'm gonna start the coffee.
240
00:10:01,967 --> 00:10:04,001
Oh, may I be excused?
241
00:10:05,804 --> 00:10:06,870
Yes.
242
00:10:06,872 --> 00:10:07,971
Thanks.
243
00:10:09,140 --> 00:10:10,874
You know,
you don't have to ask.
244
00:10:12,944 --> 00:10:15,079
I think I'm gonna
get in there and help her.
245
00:10:15,081 --> 00:10:18,549
Oh, Ray, tell Doug
what's funny about lettuce.
246
00:10:23,054 --> 00:10:24,455
What's going on?
247
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:28,259
Oh, man. We had a fight.
She wants me dead.
248
00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:30,961
Oh, man. Sorry.
That's rough.
249
00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:34,632
Can I flip on the game?
250
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,567
Not yet.
251
00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:37,768
So you okay?
252
00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:39,303
Yeah, I'm fine.
253
00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:40,471
You seemed a little upset
254
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:43,674
when you jabbed him
with the butter knife.
255
00:10:43,676 --> 00:10:46,510
It's just that Doug said
something really stupid
256
00:10:46,512 --> 00:10:47,745
before you guys got here.
257
00:10:47,747 --> 00:10:49,247
Just hurt my feelings
a little bit.
258
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:50,281
Oh, yeah, sorry.
259
00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:51,616
Thanks.
Yeah.
260
00:10:51,618 --> 00:10:53,016
I've always thought
that they should make
261
00:10:53,018 --> 00:10:54,452
a device to put on husbands
262
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:57,255
that gives them a little shock
when they say something stupid.
263
00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:59,257
Yes, like,
like a dog collar.
264
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:00,591
Exactly.
265
00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:01,859
Then it would be like,
266
00:11:01,861 --> 00:11:03,694
"Hey, honey, did you gain
a little weight?" Zzzt!
267
00:11:03,696 --> 00:11:04,729
Yes!
Right?
268
00:11:04,731 --> 00:11:06,564
I mean, not enough juice
to kill them,
269
00:11:06,566 --> 00:11:08,766
but just enough to make them
like bite down really hard
270
00:11:08,768 --> 00:11:10,635
on their tongue.
271
00:11:10,637 --> 00:11:12,236
And they would have
a little remote control
272
00:11:12,238 --> 00:11:13,837
that you can keep
on your key chain.
273
00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:14,938
Yeah, a silver key chain.
274
00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:16,173
With initials.
275
00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:17,908
Exactly!
Ha ha ha!
276
00:11:17,910 --> 00:11:20,244
Hey, hey, hey!
They're laughing.
277
00:11:20,246 --> 00:11:22,580
That's good.
Laughter good. Yeah.
278
00:11:22,582 --> 00:11:24,882
Come on. Let's
turn the game on now.
279
00:11:24,884 --> 00:11:27,251
Nnnnn. Not yet.
I think it's too soon.
280
00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:29,453
Come on!
It's a big game!
281
00:11:29,455 --> 00:11:31,656
And it's happening
right now in there.
282
00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:33,724
Let it out.
283
00:11:33,726 --> 00:11:35,192
I want to. I just...
284
00:11:35,194 --> 00:11:37,595
I wish I knew she wasn't
so mad at me, you know?
285
00:11:37,597 --> 00:11:38,929
Go in. Check it out.
286
00:11:38,931 --> 00:11:40,063
Go.
287
00:11:40,065 --> 00:11:42,633
I don't think so.
I think it's too soon.
288
00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:45,536
[WIVES LAUGHING]
289
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:49,873
Are you kidding? It's like
Def Comedy Jam in there.
290
00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:51,275
You know what?
I'll test her out.
291
00:11:51,277 --> 00:11:53,678
I'll grab a beer and give her
a kiss on the cheek.
292
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:54,578
Okay.
293
00:11:59,718 --> 00:12:01,452
Okay, a little
premature.
294
00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:02,520
No!
295
00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:03,887
Aw, come on!
296
00:12:03,889 --> 00:12:05,623
The first quarter's
practically over already!
297
00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:07,224
Will you turn it on,
please?
298
00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:08,526
Look, I can't.
Listen, come on.
299
00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:10,761
I'm supposed to be sad
and sorry about what I did.
300
00:12:10,763 --> 00:12:11,796
All that stuff.
301
00:12:11,798 --> 00:12:12,896
Well, give me something.
302
00:12:12,898 --> 00:12:13,964
How about...
303
00:12:13,966 --> 00:12:15,333
Hey, let's go picture,
no sound.
304
00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:16,701
You can give me picture,
no sound.
305
00:12:18,036 --> 00:12:19,036
All right.
306
00:12:19,038 --> 00:12:20,604
Hah hah!
307
00:12:22,607 --> 00:12:24,442
GAME COMMENTATOR: [LOUD VOLUME]
And the Jets are ahea--
308
00:12:24,444 --> 00:12:26,377
Hey!
Sorry. Sorry.
309
00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:28,145
Hey, what's with
the picture, man?
310
00:12:28,147 --> 00:12:29,513
RAY:
It's all staticky.
311
00:12:29,515 --> 00:12:31,582
Oh, man.
This happened once before.
312
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,517
So what did he say anyway?
313
00:12:33,519 --> 00:12:36,721
He told me
to tone myself down.
314
00:12:36,723 --> 00:12:37,955
[GASP]
315
00:12:37,957 --> 00:12:42,159
Oh, maybe the collar
should kill them.
316
00:12:42,161 --> 00:12:43,193
I know!
317
00:12:43,195 --> 00:12:45,062
And then he
just kept going
318
00:12:45,064 --> 00:12:46,831
and digging himself
deeper,
319
00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:48,532
saying
he didn't mean it,
320
00:12:48,534 --> 00:12:50,067
trying to
blame it on Ray.
321
00:12:50,069 --> 00:12:53,070
"Oh, honey, uh,
it's not you. It's Debra.
322
00:12:53,072 --> 00:12:55,272
Ray says she's
a real tight-ass."
323
00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:57,140
And then
he starts in with,
324
00:12:57,142 --> 00:13:00,344
"You know, it's just
your hard shell, you know?
325
00:13:00,346 --> 00:13:02,145
And inside
is a delicious nut."
326
00:13:02,147 --> 00:13:03,414
You know?
It was just so--
327
00:13:04,949 --> 00:13:06,650
Are you okay?
328
00:13:10,489 --> 00:13:11,856
What's up there?
329
00:13:11,858 --> 00:13:14,157
The main cable connection
comes in through the attic.
330
00:13:14,159 --> 00:13:16,427
I just got to get up there
and jiggle the wires,
331
00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:17,862
and the picture'll
be fine.
332
00:13:17,864 --> 00:13:20,398
Well, jiggle it because
it's almost halftime.
333
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,433
I just got to shimmy up
through the trapdoor.
334
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:25,002
You got a ladder
or something?
335
00:13:25,004 --> 00:13:27,337
No. It's fine.
Just give me a boost.
336
00:13:29,374 --> 00:13:30,908
What, no ladder?
337
00:13:30,910 --> 00:13:33,076
You wanna watch the game?
338
00:13:33,078 --> 00:13:34,278
Come on.
Give me 10 fingers.
339
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:35,546
All right, all right.
Come on.
340
00:13:35,548 --> 00:13:37,548
Come on.
341
00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:38,716
Come on.
I'm almost there.
342
00:13:38,718 --> 00:13:39,917
Hurry.
343
00:13:39,919 --> 00:13:41,719
I can't. Give me just
a couple more inches.
344
00:13:41,721 --> 00:13:42,986
I can't reach it.
I can't...
345
00:13:42,988 --> 00:13:43,987
Come on!
Ohhhh!
346
00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:46,356
Oh, God! Oh, Ray!
347
00:13:46,358 --> 00:13:48,225
[GROANING]
348
00:13:48,227 --> 00:13:49,993
Ray! Ray, I'm stuck!
349
00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:51,094
DOUG: Ray!
350
00:13:52,531 --> 00:13:54,598
Tight-ass?
351
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:55,833
Uh-oh.
352
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:56,700
Ohhh!
353
00:13:58,102 --> 00:13:59,002
Doug?
354
00:14:06,678 --> 00:14:07,945
How's your back?
355
00:14:07,947 --> 00:14:10,280
It still hurts.
Good.
356
00:14:12,283 --> 00:14:17,087
Is there anyone down there
who can scratch my inner thigh?
357
00:14:19,624 --> 00:14:20,925
CARRIE: Doug, Richie's here.
358
00:14:20,927 --> 00:14:22,526
Hey, moose,
it's me, Richie.
359
00:14:22,528 --> 00:14:25,295
Really? Is that what she meant
when she said, "Richie's here"?
360
00:14:25,297 --> 00:14:26,296
Get me down!
361
00:14:26,298 --> 00:14:28,231
Whoa.
Somebody's cranky.
362
00:14:28,233 --> 00:14:30,267
Hey, Santa Claus,
you missed!
363
00:14:30,269 --> 00:14:33,303
[LAUGHING]
364
00:14:33,305 --> 00:14:37,007
Uh, Shecky, you wanna
get him down now, please?
365
00:14:37,009 --> 00:14:39,076
All right.
Let me check this out.
366
00:14:39,078 --> 00:14:40,310
Ohhh...
367
00:14:40,312 --> 00:14:41,846
You guys all right?
368
00:14:41,848 --> 00:14:43,581
Well, he's got
a pinched nerve,
369
00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:48,218
and apparently,
I have a tight ass.
370
00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:51,054
You don't say that
to a fireman.
371
00:14:54,092 --> 00:14:55,759
What the hell's
going on down there?!
372
00:14:55,761 --> 00:14:58,028
All right, moose, relax.
We got you covered.
373
00:14:58,030 --> 00:15:00,063
Hey, Chenz,
go get me a big stick.
374
00:15:00,065 --> 00:15:03,233
If we whack him,
maybe candy will come out!
375
00:15:12,110 --> 00:15:13,944
RICHIE:
Okay, 1, 2, 3, push!
376
00:15:13,946 --> 00:15:16,146
DOUG: Easy! Easy!
You're taking skin!
377
00:15:16,148 --> 00:15:17,848
Keep pushing!
378
00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:19,316
DOUG: Stop pushing!
379
00:15:23,788 --> 00:15:25,789
DOUG: Hey, is it bad
that I'm dizzy?
380
00:15:25,791 --> 00:15:27,992
No, no, it's normal.
381
00:15:27,994 --> 00:15:31,428
It's not normal. We better
get him out of there.
382
00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:34,398
I can hear you!
383
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,901
Well, could you hurry up
and get him down?
384
00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:39,503
Carrie, can I use your phone?
I need to check on the kids.
385
00:15:39,505 --> 00:15:40,738
Yeah. It's right there.
386
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:43,073
You know what? With all this,
I'm gonna go downstairs.
387
00:15:43,075 --> 00:15:45,042
Hey, wait.
I'll go with you.
388
00:15:45,044 --> 00:15:46,644
We'll do it together.
Just me and you.
389
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:49,112
Oh, now,
that's uncalled for.
390
00:15:50,515 --> 00:15:52,516
All right, we're
gonna have to cut.
391
00:15:52,518 --> 00:15:53,817
DOUG: What?
392
00:15:53,819 --> 00:15:55,019
What do you
have to cut?
393
00:15:55,021 --> 00:15:56,020
His legs.
394
00:15:56,022 --> 00:15:57,755
Right about here
ought to do it.
395
00:15:57,757 --> 00:16:00,157
Ohh! Nice try, moose!
396
00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:02,026
Okay, Doug, could you
stop it, please?
397
00:16:02,028 --> 00:16:03,694
You wanna be up there
all night?
398
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:05,228
So what do you
have to cut?
399
00:16:05,230 --> 00:16:07,031
Couple ceiling beams
ought to do it.
400
00:16:07,033 --> 00:16:09,366
Yo, Eric, go radio in.
Tell them we need the buzzer.
401
00:16:09,368 --> 00:16:10,367
Got it.
402
00:16:10,369 --> 00:16:11,468
DOUG:
The buzzer?
403
00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:13,270
What's the buzzer?
DOUG: What's the buzzer?
404
00:16:13,272 --> 00:16:14,672
Don't worry, moose.
405
00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:16,373
It's a saw.
We won't hurt you.
406
00:16:16,375 --> 00:16:18,108
Okay. I'm not worried
about him.
407
00:16:18,110 --> 00:16:19,342
I'm worried about
my closet.
408
00:16:19,344 --> 00:16:22,245
Is there
any other way?
409
00:16:22,247 --> 00:16:23,847
Well, you could just
leave him up there
410
00:16:23,849 --> 00:16:25,916
and not feed him
for a couple of days.
411
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:27,551
[LAUGHING]
412
00:16:27,553 --> 00:16:29,687
Okay! He's not that funny!
413
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:37,427
[WHISTLES]
414
00:16:39,097 --> 00:16:42,566
[IMITATING SYLVESTER STALLONE]
You don't like my house, Mick?
415
00:16:42,568 --> 00:16:44,568
My house stinks?
416
00:16:44,570 --> 00:16:46,236
Yeah, that's right,
it stinks!
417
00:16:46,238 --> 00:16:47,638
My whole life stinks!
418
00:16:49,674 --> 00:16:52,009
[IMITATING BURGESS MEREDITH]
You just need proper management.
419
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,011
Kid, you need
proper management!
420
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:56,413
You're gonna eat lightning
and gonna crap thunder!
421
00:16:57,983 --> 00:17:00,183
Crap thunder, but I ain't
got no locker, do I, Mick?
422
00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:02,019
I ain't got
no locker, huh?
423
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,520
Hey.
424
00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:05,288
Hi.
425
00:17:05,290 --> 00:17:06,991
What are you doing
up here?
426
00:17:06,993 --> 00:17:09,326
Well, it's gonna be
at least another hour.
427
00:17:09,328 --> 00:17:11,461
Thought you might be
getting hungry,
428
00:17:11,463 --> 00:17:13,664
and I also think
you have a right to know
429
00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:15,966
that Richie's getting ready
to paint your toenails.
430
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:16,967
He is?
431
00:17:16,969 --> 00:17:17,968
[THUMP]
432
00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:20,303
RICHIE: Oww!
433
00:17:20,305 --> 00:17:24,808
Well, if I ever need asbestos,
I know where to go.
434
00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:26,810
Here.
435
00:17:26,812 --> 00:17:28,946
Thanks.
436
00:17:28,948 --> 00:17:30,681
What, no juice box?
437
00:17:32,383 --> 00:17:33,817
Excuse me,
438
00:17:33,819 --> 00:17:36,319
I had to climb up the freaking
trellis to bring you this.
439
00:17:36,321 --> 00:17:38,255
I needed one free hand.
440
00:17:38,257 --> 00:17:40,658
You never heard
of a backpack?
441
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:42,292
I'm kidding! I'm kidding!
It's a joke!
442
00:17:42,294 --> 00:17:43,527
What, you still mad at me?
443
00:17:43,529 --> 00:17:45,095
Yes! I--
444
00:17:45,097 --> 00:17:46,730
What? Come on.
Let's talk it out.
445
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:47,765
Um...
446
00:17:47,767 --> 00:17:49,499
What?
447
00:17:49,501 --> 00:17:50,701
Doug?
448
00:17:50,703 --> 00:17:52,536
Yeah?
449
00:17:52,538 --> 00:17:57,440
How do you feel in general
about mice...
450
00:17:57,442 --> 00:17:59,609
or maybe a rat?
451
00:17:59,611 --> 00:18:01,945
Not a fan. Why?
Behind me?
452
00:18:01,947 --> 00:18:02,946
Doug--
453
00:18:02,948 --> 00:18:04,281
is there a rat behind me?
454
00:18:04,283 --> 00:18:05,482
Okay, would you just relax?
455
00:18:05,484 --> 00:18:06,583
I can't relax,
all right?
456
00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:08,285
Right now I'm about
18 inches tall,
457
00:18:08,287 --> 00:18:09,687
and I smell like
barbecue!
458
00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:12,056
Okay, Doug, don't panic!
459
00:18:12,058 --> 00:18:15,492
He's not even
paying attention to--
460
00:18:15,494 --> 00:18:17,161
Is he coming towards me?
461
00:18:17,163 --> 00:18:19,063
Well, he's closer than he was.
462
00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:21,665
For the sweet love of God,
kill it! Use your shoe!
463
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:23,200
I can't kill it!
464
00:18:23,202 --> 00:18:24,201
Ooh.
465
00:18:24,203 --> 00:18:25,535
There.
466
00:18:25,537 --> 00:18:27,871
Look. It worked.
He's eating it.
467
00:18:27,873 --> 00:18:28,906
Good.
468
00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:30,107
Good.
469
00:18:40,719 --> 00:18:42,886
You think he's
gonna finish it?
470
00:18:48,626 --> 00:18:49,659
Hey, Doug.
471
00:18:49,661 --> 00:18:50,660
Yeah.
472
00:18:50,662 --> 00:18:51,962
Listen, we got to go.
473
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:53,430
The baby-sitter's
waiting.
474
00:18:53,432 --> 00:18:55,632
Oh, all right.
Hey, thanks for coming.
475
00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:57,201
Yeah, thanks, you guys.
476
00:18:57,203 --> 00:18:58,602
Yeah, hey, thanks
for having us.
477
00:18:58,604 --> 00:19:00,370
It was so nice
meeting you, Carrie.
478
00:19:00,372 --> 00:19:01,839
It was nice meeting you.
479
00:19:01,841 --> 00:19:03,373
Hey, let's have lunch.
480
00:19:03,375 --> 00:19:04,674
Oh, absolutely.
I'll call you.
481
00:19:04,676 --> 00:19:05,709
Bye, Doug.
482
00:19:05,711 --> 00:19:07,711
Bye, Deb.
Hey, see you, Ray.
483
00:19:07,713 --> 00:19:08,879
Thanks again for coming.
484
00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:10,347
All right, man.
Hey, thank you.
485
00:19:10,349 --> 00:19:11,681
Thank you. It was fun.
486
00:19:11,683 --> 00:19:12,916
Really fun.
487
00:19:14,518 --> 00:19:15,719
What are you, an 11?
488
00:19:15,721 --> 00:19:17,821
Because I'm an 11.
All right, Ray. Let's--
489
00:19:21,525 --> 00:19:28,198
♪ Wah nah wah wah wah wah
Wah papapa papa pah wah ♪
490
00:19:30,534 --> 00:19:32,002
I don't know.
Sanford and Son?
491
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,238
No. What's Happening!
492
00:19:35,774 --> 00:19:36,974
Oh.
493
00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:38,876
How does Sanford andSon go?
494
00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:39,877
Duh.
495
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:41,411
♪ Wop wop wop
Bwa bwa ♪
496
00:19:41,413 --> 00:19:43,480
♪ Wop wop wop
Bada bada da ♪
497
00:19:43,482 --> 00:19:44,681
Right, right.
♪ Nana nana
498
00:19:44,683 --> 00:19:46,283
All right.
♪ Wada dada dada da
499
00:19:46,285 --> 00:19:47,450
All right!
500
00:19:48,719 --> 00:19:50,788
Can we stop
playing this now?
501
00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:52,055
All right, fine,
but you're forfeit
502
00:19:52,057 --> 00:19:53,523
and you owe me $10 bucks.
503
00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:55,592
It's so worth it.
504
00:19:57,495 --> 00:19:59,797
Hey, Richie,
that's not even funny!
505
00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:01,331
Get that out of there!
506
00:20:02,733 --> 00:20:04,434
RICHIE: Sorry, moose.
Couldn't resist.
507
00:20:04,436 --> 00:20:05,769
Good news.
The saw's here.
508
00:20:05,771 --> 00:20:07,570
We'll have you out
in 2 minutes.
509
00:20:07,572 --> 00:20:09,439
All right. Be careful!
510
00:20:09,441 --> 00:20:10,674
I better get down there,
511
00:20:10,676 --> 00:20:14,077
make sure he doesn't
cut off anything I need.
512
00:20:14,079 --> 00:20:16,013
Good idea.
513
00:20:16,015 --> 00:20:17,247
Oh, and, Carrie?
514
00:20:17,249 --> 00:20:18,381
Yeah?
515
00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:20,884
Look, I-- I'm really...
516
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:23,620
I'm really sorry
about what I said, okay?
517
00:20:23,622 --> 00:20:24,855
I know.
518
00:20:24,857 --> 00:20:28,292
I'm not embarrassed by you,
not at all.
519
00:20:28,294 --> 00:20:29,827
That's very nice,
coming from a man
520
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:32,562
who's wearing his house
as a belt.
521
00:20:38,336 --> 00:20:39,703
I love you.
522
00:20:39,705 --> 00:20:41,038
I love you too.
523
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,040
Come here.
Pour some sugar on me, huh?
524
00:20:57,755 --> 00:20:59,323
Easy!
525
00:20:59,325 --> 00:21:01,258
That's raw. That's raw.
526
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:03,560
Pain! Pain!
527
00:21:03,562 --> 00:21:05,495
Sorry, honey.
528
00:21:05,497 --> 00:21:07,297
First of all, you shouldn't
be using the ointment.
529
00:21:07,299 --> 00:21:08,765
Get the spray.
530
00:21:11,069 --> 00:21:12,469
Kind of look like
Saturn.
531
00:21:17,141 --> 00:21:18,942
That's the one with the ring
around it, right?
532
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:20,744
Yeah, all right. Would you
get the spray, please?
533
00:21:20,746 --> 00:21:21,945
CARRIE: Have it?
534
00:21:29,854 --> 00:21:33,023
Aaahhh!
535
00:21:33,025 --> 00:21:36,393
[♪]
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