Original subtitles

EDGAR WRIGHT: Stage 13 of the Tour de France,

quite possibly the most difficult climb

of the entire race.

But one rider, Italy's JuJu Peppi,

is absolutely burning up this mountain...

(HEART BEATING) ...nearing the top of the Pyrenees

minutes ahead of the pack.

He's practically dancing on the pedals

as he blasts past other riders,

showing no signs of fatigue.

JON HAMM: (NARRATING) The Tour de France, the crème de la crème of cycling.

At some point during the three-week race,

half the world will tune in.

With 3.5 billion viewers, it is far and away

the most-watched sporting event on Earth,

but it is also perhaps the most controversial.

WRIGHT: JuJu's opened an impressive lead

with his record-setting pace.

JuJu now relieving himself,

which is a thing that cyclists actually do,

and he's making quite a mess

as he continues to burn up the mountainside.

(HEART BEATING) Unbelievable! JuJu Peppi's legs pumping away,

pushing his body to its absolute limits!

(SHOUTING) How is he doing this?

How is he doing this? (HEART BEATING FASTER)

HAMM: And just then... (HEARTBEAT STOPS)

JuJu Peppi's heart exploded.

WRIGHT: Here we go! He's into the tuck for the downhill.

No one even knew he was dead

for about 12 kilometers.

WRIGHT: Look at that form!

He's perfectly still for optimum wind resistance!

HAMM: He died... with his dick out.

In the autopsy, they found out

JuJu was on EPO and cocaine.

Also, some insulin and anabolic steroids,

Oxabolone and Nandrolone.

Trace amounts of Norethandrolone and Furazabol.

They even found some heroin in his system.

There was also Letrozole and Cyclazadone,

some estrogen receptor modulators,

Raloxifene and Tamoxifen...

probably to ward off breast growth.

A lot of Oxycodone in his blood,

Phentermine as well.

Ortetamine, Bunolol, and Labetalol.

Plus he had apparently huffed ethanol

and taken a couple MDAs.

He had clearly smoked some crystal meth and/or crack,

and there was a hormone from monkey testicles

that he had cooked down into a broth that he drank.

He also had apparently eaten

at least one sandwich from Arby's.

(CROWD CHEERING) HAMM: JuJu Peppi gave himself a huge edge

at the 1982 Tour de France with performance-enhancing drugs.

MAN: Oh my God! (CRASHES)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING) MAN: What the fuck? Jesus Christ!

HAMM: But he was far from alone that year.

In what has now become known as the Tour de Pharmacy,

athletes took drug abuse to a level never seen before or thereafter,

creating supermen in Superman spandex,

attempting to traverse 2,179 miles

and over some of the most treacherous mountain ranges on the planet.

But how do you tell the story of a bike race,

the story of 170 extreme personalities

all vying for a common goal?

You probably could, but it would take forever.

Luckily, we only have to tell the story of five of them.

(BICYCLES WHIZZING PAST)

(BICYCLE BELL DINGS)

REX HONEYCUT: Well, the atmosphere is positively electric

as the town of Basel has gathered to greet

the riders who have come from all over the world.

Here's one now, arriving all the way from the United States,

Slim Robinson. Hey.

Hi, Slim. Welcome.

Slim Robinson was sports royalty.

His uncle was Jackie Robinson, who, of course,

was the first black man in professional baseball.

And throughout his life, Slim excelled at many different sports,

but obviously struggled to stand out like his uncle,

because he wasn't the only black athlete...

until he found cycling,

which was very white.

And it made him happy, because it was the last sport

where he could break the color line.

My uncle was the first black something.

I wanted to be the first black something too.

First one to ever do it, baby. Woo!

Slim Robinson!

Seeing another black man on a bicycle was

a huge deal for me, you know?

So, a lot of people think of me as a boxer,

but what they really didn't know is that I love bicycles.

(VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYING) When I was a kid,

I got a Schwinn bicycle, and, man, I would ride

that bicycle all over New York City.

But then one day my bicycle was stolen.

(ENGINE REVS)

(WAILING)

When I finally found out who stole my bicycle,

I beat the shit outta that kid, man.

And I realized, "Hey,

I'm a better fighter than I am a cyclist."

And this is how I became a boxer.

(BELL DINGS)

My whole life, people have been referring

to me as the nephew of Jackie Robinson.

But I think after what I do here today,

they're gonna start calling him "Slim's uncle."

Really? You think that people will start

to call Jackie Robinson "Slim's uncle"?

Absolutely. Yeah. I disagree.

HAMM: But what no one knew was that the color barrier

would not be the only barrier to fall that year.

Because I am woman,

everyone think I cannot do what a man can do.

"How can you ride without the dick and the balls?

How can you ride a bike with a...

how you say? You say "pussy."

So, this is why I had to disguise myself as a man.

HONEYCUT: Adrian Baton, the great French mystery.

Being your first Tour, were you rattled by anything?

The... the shaving of legs.

I've never done this before,

so this is a first, uh... (SCOFFS)

I am a man, you are a man. We don't shave our legs.

Right, but as a cyclist, it's essential, isn't it?

But it is weird.

It was my first time talking in public as a man...

Someone smells of lilac. Is it her?

(SNIFFS) Oh, yes, uh,

very lilac and very hot.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, what a hot chick.

And I think I nailed it.

HAMM: There were still other firsts at the '82 Tour,

including the appearance of Marty Hass,

the first-ever African cyclist.

Marty Hass. Marty Hass. Africa! What's up, Africa?

Feeling strong, ready for the race? Woo!

MARTY: Oh, I was... I was just, uh,

psyched, psyched, psyched to be there,

you know, representing Nigeria

and all my Nigerian brothers and chicks.

Marty's father owned a diamond mine

near Nigeria's capital... (BOY GIGGLES)

where he went to an all-American private school.

He rarely associated with actual Nigerians.

At a young age, Marty established himself as the country's best cyclist,

because everyone else was on bicycles made out of wood.

But on a serious note, Rex,

it is truly an honor to be here to represent Africa,

because... I don't know if you know this, but Africa's

actually going through some pretty weak stuff.

Right. For example, oftentimes, it'll get pretty warm there.

Here in Nigeria, we hate Marty Hass.

Marty Hass would walk into a bar,

then he would go over to the jukebox

and put on Bob Marley, "Legend,"

and be shouting, "African music!"

Jamaica is not in Africa.

Well, you seem very, very proud of your homeland.

Indeed I am. You know, I miss it.

Being here in France, I miss it back home,

and... I bless the rains down in Africa.

Right, right, like the song.

Oh, I'm not familiar with that.

It's the lyrics to the Toto song, "Africa."

Uh, I'm not familiar with that.

But at any rate, it's gonna take a lot...

BOTH: To drag me away from you.

From you. That's what I was gonna say! Shall we do it in harmony?

That's so bizarre. I was gonna say,

"Drag me away from you, from this great interview."

Real Africans didn't like that song, "Africa."

That's why he was lying.

You ever seen the dudes in the band Toto?

Those dudes shouldn't be singing about Africa.

HAMM: There's an "honor among thieves" code in cycling,

and openly discussing the use of performance-enhancing drugs

is certainly off-limits.

But we found one former cyclist

who was bold enough to speak frankly

under the guise of anonymity.

(DISTORTED VOICE)

I'm standing here with the legendary Gustav Ditters.

You look like you're going to be carrying

a few extra pounds on the bike this year.

Yes. This is what happens when you train super hard,

on the bicycle.

HONEYCUT: Well, it is quite impressive.

Looks almost like you could play a real sport.

(LAUGHS)

DITTERS: Everyone was cheating.

Everyone... except for me.

HONEYCUT: I'm gonna have to work

extra hard to keep up with you out there.

That's right, you heard it.

This year, I'll be on the bike, riding alongside the riders,

conducting my interviews during the race,

that is if I don't pass out immediately.

What do you think about that, Gustav? Fucking hell, mate.

(DISTORTED VOICE)

(PHONE BUZZING)

HAMM: The 1982 Tour de France was the most eccentric bike race

in the history of cycling, in large part due to the fact

that virtually every rider in the race was doping,

nearly all 170 of them.

The reason every rider was on drugs in the '82 race

has to do with the fact that credit cards

were introduced to Finland the year before.

KultaBank issued the first Finnish charge card,

and they announced it with a bizarre commercial.

(ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING) (BIRDS CHIRPING)

(SIGHS)

(SPEAKS FINNISH, GASPS)

(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYS)

(CHEERY MUSIC PLAYS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(GROANS)

(ANNOUNCER SPEAKS FINNISH) (SIGHS)

Yeah, it's a confusing commercial

for a dozen reasons at least.

First of all, why is going down on his wife payment for this guy?

And what's he paying for? Spilling the milk?

We saw him spill the milk, so why is she drinking milk in the very next scene?

You'll notice the woman doesn't climax,

which means the debt has not been fully repaid,

and likely never will. (CHUCKLES) Right, guys?

Sorry, I just noticed the crew is mostly women.

I'm not good at oral sex.

HAMM: The disciplinary cunnilingus shown in the commercials

certainly did not do its job explaining credit cards to the people of Finland.

And this included the former president

of the UCI, Ditmer Klerken.

Well, the UCI was in charge

of testing all the riders for doping,

and the guy in charge of that had a serious credit card problem.

I would see something, like a cool car

a cool horse, or something like this,

and... and I would hand them this magic piece of plastic

and they would give me the cool thing.

After three months, Ditmer owed

nearly $16 million U.S. to KultaBank.

Because he was in this huge debt,

Ditmer sent every rider a note saying

if they paid him $50,000,

they wouldn't get drug-tested that year.

DITMER: "Hey, if you don't want to be drug tested,

"make a check out to Ditmer Klerken

"in the amount of $50,000 U.S.

"and you won't be. Thanks you guys, Ditmer.

"PS, if you tell anyone about this,

I'll fucking kill you!!"

(CHUCKLES) Silly.

WRIGHT: And here we go!

The 1982 Tour de France has officially begun!

Guys came out flying on bikes! Man, I wanted to be on a bike so bad.

(ARMSTRONG SPEAKS, DISTORTED)

(DOOR OPENS)

(MAN SPEAKS)

(MAN 2 SPEAKS)

(ARMSTRONG SPEAKS)

HAMM: Day one, 207 kilometers from Basel to Mohlin,

up and over some of the most breathtaking Hillscapes in the world.

A serene landscape that was completely juxtaposed

to the ugliness that was about to ensue.

WRIGHT: The riders still holding tight in the Peloton.

JuJu Peppi not surprisingly at the front of the pack.

And it looks like we've got a beautiful fan up ahead!

Hey, hey, Bella senora! (ECHOES)

WRIGHT: And JuJu went in for the grope and is losing balance!

Can he stay up? Oh no! Oh no!

JuJu's lost his balance! He's fallen over!

It's a terrible crash! (CRASHING)

(MEN GROANING) Yay!

WRIGHT: People are beginning to stand,

which is a good sign. Is-a not my fault!

I lose-a sight of the road! MAN: Hey, JuJu!

PEOPLE: Whoa!

(DISTORTED VOICE)

HAMM: Jabin Dolchey was known for two things;

Fighting and his outfits that he claimed to be made

from a high-tech breathable material he called Spanlon.

Jabin Dolchey! Speed the competition!

He was an odd bird,

and he seemed proud of what everyone could see

was a very tiny, misshaped penis.

(DISTORTED VOICE)

HAMM: Jabin's punch kicked off the most massive scuffle in Tour history.

HONEYCUT: Well, this is just awful. (ALL SHOUTING)

These men are literally trying to tear one another apart.

Cyclists are incredible athletes

as far as endurance goes,

but a great deal of 'em fight like little bitches.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

TYSON: They had a dance party, and people said it was a fight.

As a boxer, it was offensive to me.

And as is with every accident near Switzerland,

a Saint Bernard is the first responder.

It's really peaty.

They tried to hurt each other,

but I am a... a peaceful person.

I don't do things like that.

(SHOUTING, GRUNTING)

Please! No! No! I beg you!

No! No! Please! I'm naked!

(SHOUTING) Please put me down!

Everything I did that day,

I did in self-defense.

HAMM: French authorities finally arrived

and put the kibosh on the fracas.

The first day was canceled,

but with no major injuries, the race was expected

to resume the following day,

were it not for a forsaken water bottle.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

(CLICKS) Ah!

(LAUGHS) Ooh!

(SPEAKS FRENCH) Woo!

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

If you take too strong a dose of amphetamines,

they can act as a super powerful aphrodisiac.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

No, no, no. Oui.

(SPEAKS FRENCH) No!

No! No!

No.

No. (CONTINUES SPEAKING FRENCH)

(WOMAN SPEAKS FRENCH)

(OFFICER SPEAKS FRENCH)

When I took a large dose of amphetamines,

I ended up having sex with a...

(MAN SPEAKS)

Oh, we have to try every drug on our banned list,

so we know what we're dealing with.

I actually paint what the experiences are like,

so I can remember the effects of each drug.

Would you like to see them?

So, this is what I painted while I was on amphetamines.

It's kind of what I felt like when I did the drug.

(MAN SPEAKS)

Yeah.

This is when I did crack cocaine,

so you can see how similar the two drugs are.

(MAN SPEAKS)

Oh, this is from when I did meth.

So, you can see that meth is a very different drug than the other two.

(MAN SPEAKS)

Yeah.

And all of these are for sale.

HAMM: In an attempt to quell the media frenzy,

the water bottle created,

Ditmer Klerken held a press conference. (REPORTERS SHOUTING)

Ditmer, Ditmer. There are reports that you asked every rider

for $50,000 if they did not want to be drug tested.

Is... is that true? Yeah, that's true.

I mean, no. Fuck! No. I mean... no, I mean it's not... not true.

Ah fuck! (SNORTS) Ah.

Now you guys are never going to believe me

because I said it was true right away.

But no, no, no, that's... that's not true.

But does anybody know if you admit to something

like taking bribes

and you give all the money back, for instance,

does that mean that you could keep your job?

Ah! What a crazy hypothetical question.

Where do I even come up with this stuff?

And nobody ask me if I'm cheating on my wife,

because I am. Ah! I'm kidding. (PEOPLE GASP)

No, no. Shit!

HAMM: And one by one, nearly every participant

in the race was disqualified for sending the bribe money.

Of the 170 riders entered, only five did not send checks.

With only five riders left,

it seemed the Tour would be canceled.

I didn't pay Ditmer. What I to do?

But if-a they end the race, then I am punished for what?

Why punish me? Look at me.

You put a little coke-a in your nose, take a shit,

have great sex, wake up-a the next day,

and you are like a... champion.

No, I would never do that. Are you crazy?

In an unprecedented decision,

the UCI has decided to allow

the Tour de France to continue

with only the five remaining cyclists,

the final five, which I am dubbing The Fab 5.

You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen,

these five riders will forever be known as The Fab 5.

(BUZZER SOUNDS) HAMM: Not to be confused with the Fab Five,

the Michigan basketball team who ultimately became much more famous.

(MAN WHISPERING) Who's that?

(MAN 2 WHISPERING) That's Chris Webber.

MAN: What? MAN 2: From the wrong Fab Five.

MAN: Well, fuck. Who... why did... why did you bring him here?

MAN 2: I don't know. Somebody fucked up.

MAN: What are we supposed to do with this guy?

MAN 2: Just wait till he goes to the bathroom, then we all leave.

WRIGHT: Here we are, Stage 2,

Tour de France! It's a 250 kilometer ride

through flat plains from Basel to Nancy.

Here we are, Tour de France, day two,

and I'm riding right alongside the riders,

getting the scoop straight from the horse's mouth, so to speak.

And to no one's surprise, it's JuJu in the lead.

I was really impressed, what a great rider Rex was.

I mean, he was right there in the front of the pack

most of the time with that microphone.

He was riding with the greatest cyclists in the world.

Well, it's only day two. Don't kill yourself.

Got another three weeks to go.

I'm-a no kill myself.

I'm-a never die, not on a bicycle.

That is a sure thing.

HAMM: And JuJu didn't die that day,

but he did eventually, as you know,

because we showed it to you at the beginning.

But that day, he lived and won the yellow jersey,

then celebrated that night with a well-earned massage.

Each night, the depleted muscles

must be softened in readiness for the torture ahead.

The riders' bulging, shaved quadriceps

and smooth, taut hamstrings

require deep tissue massage

with the finest oils available

and strong fingers.

All that built up lactic acid can finally be ejaculated.

(CYCLISTS MOANING LOUDLY)

After that, I passed out, but not before,

I remember, making everybody promise

to take turns riding up front

so the rest of us could draft.

You gotta take it down a notch out there, JuJu. You're going too hard.

Marty's right. It's just the five of us.

Yeah, we gotta work together,

and all start drafting for each other.

One of the most important elements of cycling is drafting,

and that's when the cyclists take turns breaking the wind at the front of the pack.

It's much harder on the rider in the front,

but everyone behind him expends way less energy.

ROBINSON: What the fuck, dude? We said we were gonna take turns in the lead.

Yeah, well, it's not my turn.

ROBINSON: Well, it's not my turn either.

JuJu, you take the lead.

I'm like, "Dudes, what happened to the plan?"

You know, nobody wanted to do the work.

Everybody's just slowing down.

You know, there's an old saying in Nigeria:

Is there no honor amongst blood diamond thieves?

I think that applied in this case.

No one would ride in front, so...

so we were all competing to be in the back.

HAMM: Over the next seven days,

the riders crawled across France,

each unwilling to take the lead.

Suffice it to say, during this section,

the race was boring.

WRIGHT: Here we are, stage nine,

the monotony continues. (MAN YAWNS)

WRIGHT: Now being passed by an old lady.

(DISTORTED VOICE)

(WINDOW BLINDS RUSTLE, CLACK)

(MAN SPEAKS)

(MAN 2 SPEAKS)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Slim, you've done an amazing job, riding slowest today.

How are you holding up at this pace?

You know, Rex, riding like this has given me a chance to really stop and look around.

Yeah, I mean, look where we are.

It's beautiful out here.

Right. Sure.

Yeah, so, what's next for you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up, Rex.

Hold up. Hold up. Hold up.

Hey.

That's where I met Fabienne.

Oh.

Yeah, excuse me for one moment.

I gotta see about something over here.

Right. (CHUCKLES)

That's Slim Robinson, taking a moment

to really enjoy life.

I totally understand what Slim did.

Sometimes you just need a time-out.

HAMM: But the slow riding suddenly came to an end

when a rowdy fan awoke a sleeping giant.

(MAN SHOUTS)

(ANGRILY) What the fuck did you say to me?

Today a man tell Gustav I cannot ride fast,

but I can ride very fast. (CAMERAS CLICKING)

I will now field questions. WOMAN: Gustav!

Gustav, my question is, can you ride fast?

Fuck you! Next question.

Yeah, hi. Can you ride fast?

Fuck you! Tomorrow I will ride incredibly fast

and prove all of you wrong!

The race starts now!

WRIGHT: And Gustav Ditters making good on his promise. (SHOUTING)

WRIGHT: The race starts now.

He is absolutely tearing up the Pyrenees like a man possessed.

Even taking into account the past 10 days' rest,

this performance is off the charts!

I do not know what has got into this guy.

HAMM: No one knew what had gotten into Gustav Ditters that day,

but many suspected something had, literally.

Setting records is standard protocol for the Tour de France,

but when you blow records away and burn up a mountain

at a pace most sprinters achieve on flat land,

suspicions arise. (GLASS SHATTERS)

Hey, come on. How do you beat

a man on drugs if you're not on drugs?

MAN: Wait. Did you just admit to being on drugs?

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

HAMM: JuJu wasn't the only one suspicious of Gustav's new-found energy.

Monsieur Ditters, we are police!

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

It is not blood. It is not blood.

(LAUGHS)

It is Gatorade. I will drink it now.

Give me the Gatorade! (BOTH SHOUTING)

Give me the blood! Give me the blood!

(SHOUTING) (SCREAMING)

HAMM: Blood doping. Most people are familiar with the term,

but how exactly does it work?

To understand doping, we must first understand

the function of the red blood cell.

(FILM PROJECTOR CLICKING)

(ALL CHATTERING) (WHISTLE TWEETS)

Hi, I'm a red blood cell,

and it's the most common type of blood cell in your body.

That's right, my boy!

Our job is perhaps the most important in the bloodstream.

We are the delivery men,

delivering oxygen to all the cells of the body.

We work alongside the other blood cells,

like platelets... Hey-oh!

Who are the construction men... Ow!

And the white blood cells, who are the police force around here.

He's got a gun! What?

(GROANS) (CROWD GASPS)

Oh my God! He's fucking dead!

All right, calm... calm down. We were just doing our job.

Pigs! Pigs!

Let's burn this motherfucker down!

Kill these white motherfuckers!

No! Don't burn my shop down! I'm on your side!

Yeah, burn it down!

Stop! We're just attacking ourselves!

It's full-blown AIDS in here!

(HIGH-PITCHED TONE) HAMM: The animator of the proceeding piece

was a woman named Victoria Young.

I was originally an animator for Sesame Street,

but then I got fired from Henson,

because I couldn't draw fast enough.

Sesame Street was also unhappy

with my creation of the character Huey Black.

Heya, Huey! Do you wanna play a numbers game?

Shut the fuck up!

Anyway, Gustav Ditters was blood doping,

but not the way you'd expect.

Cyclists dope to get their VO2 max levels up,

so Gustav figured, "Why not add red blood cells

"from the creature with the highest VO2 max level

on Earth?" A cheetah.

Just because I have cheetah blood does not make me a cheetah!

(MAN SPEAKS)

Cheetah. If I have cheetah blood in me,

I am not cheetah, yeah?

I was never a cheetah.

The UCI should have understood that.

If you put cheetah blood in you, it wouldn't make you a cheetah.

(MAN SPEAKS)

What are you having trouble with?

The way I say cheetah or the way I say "cheat-ah"?

HAMM: Whether it was effective or not,

Gustav did add a foreign substance to his body.

And for doing so, he was disqualified as a cheetah.

(ROARS)

And the following day, the field narrowed even further

when JuJu Peppi took his fatal tumble off a cliff.

MAN: Holy shit! (CRASHES)

WOMAN: Oh man! MAN 2: It ripped his dick off!

People dope. Yeah. They risk their lives,

but, you know, this is a sport

with literally hundreds of dollars on the line,

and dozens of fans.

The... stakes are medium!

HAMM: By stage 14, Marty and Adrian were

the only riders left in the race.

Slim Robinson was still back on the outskirts of Marsan.

I love it here. Stopping the race

was the best decision I ever made.

(MAN SPEAKS)

Just been working the farm with Fabienne.

We produce dairy here... milk, yogurt and cheese.

You know, I love tending the land, milking the cows,

fucking the shit outta Fabienne.

It just all really suited me.

(MAN SPEAKS)

I still ride a bike every day,

only now it's to deliver our dairy.

Only thing I'm racing now is the expiration date on our milk.

(CHUCKLES, SPEAKS FRENCH)

It should be noted, though, that I am probably

the first black French dairy farmer.

Number one, baby.

HAMM: Thus, unbeknownst to Marty,

he found himself in cycling's first battle of the sexes.

It was just down to the... to the two of us,

real competitive,

uh, and then something weird happened.

I started to notice, like, little things about him,

and started to feel, like, "I want to get to know him better,"

or something like that, and that was strange,

'cause I should've been focused on winning.

WRIGHT: And I have to say, Marty and Adrian,

really seem to be enjoying each other's company out there.

I think maybe Marty knew I was woman somewhere deep inside him.

WRIGHT: And here we go. Looks like we're finally getting a race.

No, they're pulling over for a break.

What the hell is this?

If I didn't know that he was a she

before we went behind that wall,

jeez, I sure did after.

BATON: Oh yeah. Oh God. OUI! HASS: Oh yeah.

(GRUNTING IN UNISON)

BATON: Oh man.

Oui!

Most hard-core cyclists know

that cycling was invented

so that men could fuck in the hills.

I promised to keep her secret

just between us,

and in so doing, I became something of a gay icon.

Marty and Adrian became the first publicly out gay athletes,

while simultaneously being in a heterosexual relationship.

HAMM: Their romantic tryst

was well-documented.

Most beautifully covered by the French news channels.

The way the French cover their sporting events is gorgeous.

I'll watch French sports all the time

just to kinda brainstorm new ways of shooting things.

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(BATON SPEAKS FRENCH)

(GRUNTS) Hey!

(BATON SPEAKS FRENCH)

ABRAMS: The France 2 coverage of the 1982 Tour de France,

it wasn't just impressive footage

for a news team to capture.

I call it groundbreaking footage for film, period.

This wasn't the French new wave.

This was the French news wave.

Don't put that in the movie. That, um...

It's too good of a line. I want to get it right.

This wasn't the French new wave.

It was the French news wave.

That was it.

(DELIBES' "FLOWER DUET" PLAYING)

We tied a rope to our bikes

so... there would be no winners

and there would be no losers.

We would always be together.

Well, to see Marty in the lead

and in love made me so upset,

because I hated Marty Hass.

There. You talking about Marty Hass?

Yes. Fuck Marty Hass!

Fuck Marty Hass! Fuck him! Fuck him!

Stage 19. Just two days remain

and interest in the Tour has dwindled nearly to nothing.

No spectators line the streets.

Passing cars have absolutely no clue that an event of any kind is taking place.

In fact, at this point, I have no idea why we're even out here.

I'm just a guy on a bike following a homosexual couple

who have tied their bikes together.

HAMM: And to no one's surprise,

Marty and Adrian shared the yellow jersey that day.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

(ARMSTRONG SPEAKS, DISTORTED)

Here we are, the beginning of the end of the 1982 Tour de France,

the 187-kilometer ride from Fontenay-sous-Bois

to the finishing line at the Champs-Elysées.

Excuse me a moment. Just getting word from the home office.

Yeah?

And just when you think it's over,

there's some shit that's about to go down.

That's bonkers! Well, some interesting new developments in the race.

The UCI has just informed me

that technically, since I've ridden every stage of the race

and had to register as a cyclist to bring my bike on the road,

I'm eligible to win this thing.

BOTH: What? And I think I just might.

(SHOUTS) (BIKES CLACK)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)

WRIGHT: A perfect backflip from Rex!

Whoa!

WRIGHT: And it's a matching pair of tail whips

from the lovebirds. Whoa-ho!

And it appears Adrian is now untying the rope for some reason.

No! Adrian, what are you doing? (PANTING)

It is the only way, Marty.

We can do this together. No, you do it for us, Marty.

I love you. Je t'aime.

No! Adrian!

Je t'aime!

I had no fear when I ran into Rex,

because my heart was just so full,

full of love for Marty.

I could feel nothing else.

In fact, I could feel nothing at all,

because I was also on...

very much... Oxycodone.

Whoa! The dude was a chick!

(WHIMPERS) WRIGHT: Adrian Baton is, in fact, a woman.

Well, that moment really set the groundwork

for a whole genre of cross-dressing sports films...

Just One of the Guys, Nobody's Perfect,

Ladybugs, Juwanna Ma... Juwanna Mann

is, I think, one of the best films.

It's arguably the best film.

WRIGHT: And that's not all.

It appears Rex Honeycut was riding

with an engine in his bike.

I guess that explains how he kept up with the pros.

HAMM: It was all Marty, all alone, heading into Paris.

MARTY: It was... it was heartbreaking to try to go it alone,

but I had to try to win for Adrian...

otherwise her sacrifice would've been for nothing.

An African was going to win the Tour de France!

And for a brief moment...

I loved Marty Hass.

(CHEERING)

WRIGHT: And here's Marty Hass approaching the finish line.

He will be the champion of the 1982... (BIKE BELL DINGS)

Wait! What's this? Ladies and gentlemen,

Slim Robinson is back!

Even though life on the farm was perfect,

I couldn't get cycling out of my head.

(SHOUTING) WRIGHT: Slim is moving at an incredible pace

on his cruiser! He's caught up to Marty!

But now it's Marty giving a strong push!

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are in for an incredible finish!

They are absolutely neck and neck right now!

Getting closer! Getting closer!

This is one for the record books!

And the winner is...

(CALMLY) Slim Robinson by a long shot.

It looked really close from the other angle,

but no, it was not close at all.

Those defocused lenses can be really deceiving.

(POPS) (SHOUTING)

I still get emotional when I think about it.

I mean, I was the first black man in the Tour de France,

and I won it.

This is the most important shit that has ever happened ever!

(CHEERING) Fuck Jackie Robinson,

and fuck Marty Hass with his fake African ass!

Guess what else? I can make cheese, yo!

I make some good cheeses.

Was I happy that a black man won the Tour de France?

This is the first I'm hearing about it.

Somehow, Marty Hass

found a way to fuck us over again.

You know, I think it's a bit of a shame that...

that an African couldn't have won that race.

It was a very fucked up year for bicycle riding.

Cyclists are hunks.

I still really don't love watching cycling.

With the upper body of an alien

and the downstairs of a horse.

What really got me invested in the '82 Tour were the characters.

With only five guys, you really got to know each of them.

You really cared. It was just super strong character development,

and the whole thing, like, really played out,

like, a really well-written script.

I won the Tour de France,

and I did it with nothing but my own blood,

sweat, and tears, and extra blood!

(MAN SPEAKS) Oh shit.

HASS: It was a tough day.

Lost the race, lost my girl,

and I haven't seen Adrian since.

No, I never, uh... I never did see Marty again.

Um, my crashing into Rex

was considered manslaughter,

since he died, you know?

And for this, I received... 35 years in prison,

so... (CHUCKLES)

It was worth it... (DOOR CLOSES)

because I did what I set out to do.

I proved that a woman can cheat at cycling as well as any man.

(DISTORTED VOICE)

That's something for people to think about

from this anonymous guy.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

My parents bought me the bike out of van,

but they didn't know the bike was stolen.

And then one day, I'm just riding to school,

and then I'm getting the living shit

beat out of me. (BOXING BELL DINGS)

And that's what it's like in Africa.

Like, sometimes they'll run out of Nerds candy.

Have you ever had that? I was like, "Where's my Nerds?

Where's my Nerds?" HONEYCUT: A Nerds shortage in Africa?

Right. Yeah, because they gotta ship 'em in,

and I'm like, "Dad!

Where's my Nerds?"

I'm not a milkman. I'm a cyclist.

You're not taking this bike! You tell Slim's uncle

Slim is back on the Tour!

FABIENNE: Who is that?

Jackie fucking Robinson! (BOTTLES CLINKING)

Big news at the Tour de France,

a fight has broken out, and not surprisingly,

Austrian muscle freak Gustav Ditters is in the center of it.

Here we have some footage of him grabbing Jabin Dolchey.

He used Jabin's flailing legs

to kick other riders in the face.

Stupendous. I'm Mick Porterhouse and... (SNIFFS HARD) Woo!

Oh no! My legs are getting all shaky, man!

Hey, hey, hey. Slow down, man. He can't take that.

Take it easy on him! I think I'm gonna evacuate my bowels!

Just go with it, Marty! Ride the wave! That is not helping, Slim!

Call my Dad! Basta!

Call my Dad, man! Call his-a papa!

(SHOUTS IN FRENCH)

After that...

I rocked a trifecta, and I passed out.

MAN: Oh, cool, yeah. (CONTINUES SPEAKING)

Oh, that's when you, um, puke and shit and jizz at the same time.

(MAN SPEAKS)

What's a basketball player look like?

We don't have that in Napa.

That's a basketball player?

Jesus!

That makes me even hornier than the picture of a cyclist.

(MAN SPEAKS)

Oh my shit, he is fine!

What the fuck is in his shorts?

That was just a shocking moment of television.

It was ferocious and full of electricity.

It was... felicity.

(DISTORTED VOICE)

(MAN SPEAKS)

When you put a crazy person

in charge of the Tour de France,

crazy things will happen.

That was Ditmer Perten. Was that "Perten"?

That was Ditman Kirkman.

That was Ditmar Perper. (SIGHS)

I mean, how the fuck do you say this guy's name? What was his name again?

That was Ditman Klerker. That was Ditman Klerken.

That was Ditmar Klerken. Ditmen Klirken.

Ditman Klerker... Clerks. Ditmen Klerken.

Ditman Clerk. Ditmen Klerken. Did I get it?

Ditmen Klerken. Ditmen Klerken.

That's his name, okay. But he was crazy, though.

Well, Tour's over. (SCOFFS)

Time to go kill myself. (CHUCKLES)