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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,401 --> 00:00:03,164 Kids, this is the story... 2 00:00:03,236 --> 00:00:05,704 of the night Barney's life completely fell apart. 3 00:00:05,772 --> 00:00:07,467 My life is finally perfect... 4 00:00:07,540 --> 00:00:09,201 and that is never going to change. 5 00:00:09,275 --> 00:00:11,243 Fired up for dinner with my mom tonight? 6 00:00:11,311 --> 00:00:13,040 Yeah, to help streamline the rest of our lives... 7 00:00:13,113 --> 00:00:15,877 you can always assume my answer to that question is no. 8 00:00:15,949 --> 00:00:17,883 - What? - I'm pretty nervous. 9 00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:20,613 Nervous? Why? It's just gonna be two hours of... 10 00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:23,588 "I love Barney the most." "No, I love Barney the most." 11 00:00:23,656 --> 00:00:25,715 You're right. I may not even get a chance to talk. 12 00:00:25,792 --> 00:00:27,657 But I'm still... l-I don't know. 13 00:00:27,727 --> 00:00:31,720 I'm worried she won't think I'm good enough to be engaged to her precious little love-love. 14 00:00:31,798 --> 00:00:34,562 Okay, first of all, it's "wuv-wuv." 15 00:00:34,634 --> 00:00:36,727 And second, don't worry. 16 00:00:36,803 --> 00:00:39,924 I'm just gonna drop off our catering deposit, and then I will be there for you. 17 00:00:39,973 --> 00:00:42,533 Okay. Well, please don't be late. I am counting on you tonight. 18 00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:44,634 And be careful. That's 5,000 bucks in there. 19 00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:49,205 I think I'll be okay walking four blocks here on the Upper East Side. 20 00:00:55,321 --> 00:00:57,221 What the... 21 00:00:57,290 --> 00:00:58,917 Please, I swear I never talked to the North Koreans. 22 00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:00,482 Unless you are the North Koreans, in which case... 23 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,050 I swear I never talked to the South Koreans! 24 00:01:02,128 --> 00:01:06,326 Barney Stinson, you are being kidnapped... 25 00:01:06,399 --> 00:01:08,993 for your surprise bachelor party! 26 00:01:23,783 --> 00:01:27,048 A kidnapping. Respect. 27 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:30,419 I was secretly worried you might not be able to pull off my bachelor party. 28 00:01:30,490 --> 00:01:32,355 Yeah, it wasn't that secret. 29 00:01:32,425 --> 00:01:35,189 You two, planning my bachelor party? 30 00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:37,195 Look, you seem like nice kids. 31 00:01:37,263 --> 00:01:39,163 But this is a sacred event... 32 00:01:39,232 --> 00:01:41,393 a man's rite of passage with his bros. 33 00:01:41,468 --> 00:01:44,266 His bro mitzvah. 34 00:01:44,337 --> 00:01:46,669 You didn't just think of that. You've been saying it for months. 35 00:01:46,739 --> 00:01:48,229 But here's my dilemma. 36 00:01:48,308 --> 00:01:50,868 My average night is like an average guy's bachelor party. 37 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,571 So no offense, but if you two plan it... 38 00:01:52,645 --> 00:01:55,273 it's gonna be ordi... Why wait for it? ...nary. 39 00:01:55,348 --> 00:01:56,645 Ordinary. 40 00:01:56,716 --> 00:01:59,207 - I can help. - You? 41 00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:00,775 You seem like a nice kid. 42 00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:03,550 But bros' fiancées cannot plan bachelor parties. 43 00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:06,615 Sorry. You two are on your own. And you will disappoint me. 44 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:09,785 But make it great, okay? 45 00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:12,158 This is a strong start. 46 00:02:12,232 --> 00:02:14,632 The students have become... 47 00:02:14,701 --> 00:02:17,295 the intermediate students. 48 00:02:17,370 --> 00:02:19,201 I just have to make one call. 49 00:02:21,774 --> 00:02:23,799 - Hello? - Robin, great news! 50 00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:25,845 I've been kidnapped for a surprise bachelor party... 51 00:02:25,912 --> 00:02:27,311 so I won't be there at all. 52 00:02:27,380 --> 00:02:30,144 What? Barney, I can't do dinner with your mom alone. 53 00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:33,049 Okay. I'll call her, make up an excuse and cancel. 54 00:02:33,119 --> 00:02:34,950 And don't worry. I'll take all the blame. 55 00:02:35,021 --> 00:02:37,251 Hold on. 56 00:02:37,323 --> 00:02:39,951 - Hi, wuv-wuv. - Hi, Momsies. 57 00:02:40,026 --> 00:02:43,291 I forgot. I'm mentoring an underprivileged child tonight. 58 00:02:43,363 --> 00:02:45,991 And Robin can't stand the idea of dinner with you by herself... 59 00:02:46,065 --> 00:02:47,589 so we're not gonna be able to... 60 00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:49,362 Don't bother. She's already here. 61 00:02:49,435 --> 00:02:51,630 Hold on. 62 00:02:51,704 --> 00:02:54,172 Robin? Too late. She's already there. 63 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:55,673 Barney, don't do... 64 00:02:55,742 --> 00:02:58,506 Robin can't stand the idea of dinner with me? 65 00:02:58,578 --> 00:02:59,909 Great. We're all set then. 66 00:02:59,979 --> 00:03:01,571 Don't you leave me alone with her. 67 00:03:01,648 --> 00:03:04,481 And problem is solved. 68 00:03:04,551 --> 00:03:06,041 So what's the plan? 69 00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:08,087 Well, you know the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City? 70 00:03:08,154 --> 00:03:10,054 Yeah. 71 00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:12,318 You know the secret penthouse... 72 00:03:12,392 --> 00:03:14,724 in the top of the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City? 73 00:03:14,794 --> 00:03:16,955 Yeah? 74 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,759 Boom! There it is. 75 00:03:18,831 --> 00:03:20,594 Visible from our window. 76 00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:23,227 In the distance. 77 00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:26,170 Behind the refinery. Okay, you can't quite see it. 78 00:03:26,239 --> 00:03:28,707 Why are we outside Atlantic City? 79 00:03:28,775 --> 00:03:33,371 Well, we thought it was best, what with your weakness for games of chance. 80 00:03:33,446 --> 00:03:37,143 Kids, Barney was addicted to one Chinese gambling game... 81 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,208 that was, well, sort of complicated. 82 00:03:39,285 --> 00:03:41,776 But don't worry. Back when you were engaged to Quinn... 83 00:03:41,854 --> 00:03:44,789 you told us everything you wanted for tonight. 84 00:03:44,857 --> 00:03:48,293 A bachelor party is a man's... 85 00:03:48,361 --> 00:03:50,454 bro mitzvah. 86 00:03:50,530 --> 00:03:53,294 - Did you just think of that? - Totally! 87 00:03:53,366 --> 00:03:56,233 We can wear bromulkes... 88 00:03:57,470 --> 00:03:59,370 spin the brodel... 89 00:04:00,773 --> 00:04:05,904 and consult the wisdom of the Brorah. 90 00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:09,176 Written in... Hebro. 91 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,444 Not at all broffensive. 92 00:04:11,517 --> 00:04:13,007 Ooh! Ooh! Couple other ideas... 93 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,520 I'm just spit-balling here, so take 'em or leave 'em... 94 00:04:15,588 --> 00:04:18,455 Booze, duh. Cigars, duh. Strippers, duh. 95 00:04:18,524 --> 00:04:21,925 Ooh! Things should get so crazy that at some point we should fear for our lives. 96 00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:24,623 Oh, we'll fear for our lives, all right... 97 00:04:24,697 --> 00:04:28,428 when we watch Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth. 98 00:04:28,501 --> 00:04:33,700 Yeah. We're gonna pound a beer every time we hear the word "catastrophic." 99 00:04:33,773 --> 00:04:35,331 Ooh! 100 00:04:35,408 --> 00:04:39,367 Could that be the next item on your list? 101 00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:43,438 Mind-blowing entertainment, like a naked fire show... 102 00:04:43,516 --> 00:04:45,347 or a naked magic show. 103 00:04:45,418 --> 00:04:47,545 There's a good chance our engagement doesn't work out, isn't there? 104 00:04:47,620 --> 00:04:50,817 Not now, honey. Or a naked contortionist. 105 00:04:50,890 --> 00:04:54,053 Or... a balloon contortionist! 106 00:04:57,930 --> 00:05:02,026 Balloons. Not the inflatable, round, squishy pouches... 107 00:05:02,101 --> 00:05:03,659 I was hoping to see tonight. 108 00:05:03,736 --> 00:05:05,897 Hold on. 109 00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:07,496 I told you no clown! 110 00:05:07,573 --> 00:05:10,303 Well, you didn't like the bubble guy either. 111 00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:13,345 - Hey, Robin. - Did you tell your mother I'm a virgin? 112 00:05:13,413 --> 00:05:16,382 What? Why would you think that? 113 00:05:16,449 --> 00:05:18,713 - Save yourself room for dessert. - Mmm. 114 00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:22,152 And I hear you excel at saving yourself. 115 00:05:23,956 --> 00:05:26,857 You are so funny. What's gotten into you? 116 00:05:26,926 --> 00:05:30,089 Oh, that's right. Nothing ever. 117 00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:35,824 You may be nervous as to what goes where on your wedding night. 118 00:05:35,902 --> 00:05:38,200 It's really simple. 119 00:05:38,271 --> 00:05:40,239 Let me show you. 120 00:05:42,008 --> 00:05:45,034 Now let's start with the fundamentals. 121 00:05:45,111 --> 00:05:47,045 Why would you tell her I'm a virgin? 122 00:05:47,113 --> 00:05:49,809 I panicked. Look, I really want her to like you. 123 00:05:49,882 --> 00:05:51,611 So just go with it, okay? Okay. 124 00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:53,564 Listen, wuv-wuv, you better get your ass back... 125 00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:57,180 Another guest? 126 00:05:57,256 --> 00:05:58,780 Who could this be? 127 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:03,693 Why, it's Lily! And she's here to deliver one of your requests. 128 00:06:03,763 --> 00:06:07,199 - Oh, thank you, Marshall. - Oh, not that one. 129 00:06:07,266 --> 00:06:11,464 An appearance by my all-time idol, the Karate Kid. 130 00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:14,233 The Karate Kid was an uplifting '80s classic... 131 00:06:14,307 --> 00:06:16,275 about a teen, played by Ralph Macchio... 132 00:06:16,342 --> 00:06:19,573 who defeats the local jerk, played by William Zabka. 133 00:06:19,645 --> 00:06:21,636 At least, that's how most people saw it. 134 00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:25,912 Here he is, just as hot as when his Tiger Beat photo spread... 135 00:06:25,985 --> 00:06:30,888 gave a young girl the courage to explore the suddenly unfamiliar topography... 136 00:06:30,957 --> 00:06:33,152 of her changing body... 137 00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:35,160 the Karate Kid. 138 00:06:36,629 --> 00:06:39,223 Hey, Barney. It's Ralph. Listen, it's always flattering... 139 00:06:39,298 --> 00:06:40,322 No! 140 00:06:41,501 --> 00:06:43,230 I hate Ralph Macchio! 141 00:06:43,302 --> 00:06:45,167 I hate him, hate him, hate him! 142 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,138 He is not the Karate Kid! 143 00:06:47,206 --> 00:06:49,606 The Karate Kid was William Zabka... 144 00:06:49,675 --> 00:06:52,371 star pupil of the Cobra Kai Dojo... 145 00:06:52,445 --> 00:06:57,041 whom this monster defeated with a cheap, illegal head kick... 146 00:06:57,116 --> 00:07:02,076 in the most tragically haunting film ending of all time. 147 00:07:02,155 --> 00:07:05,022 Oh, see, I thought you meant fun-crazy. 148 00:07:05,091 --> 00:07:06,649 Shut it, Ralph Macchio. 149 00:07:06,726 --> 00:07:08,990 Why don't you go have a party with Luke Skywalker... 150 00:07:09,061 --> 00:07:10,926 and Harry Potter and Warhorse... 151 00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:15,491 and all the other movie bad guys, and stop ruining mine! 152 00:07:15,568 --> 00:07:18,093 This night has been catastrophic. 153 00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:20,503 "Catastrophic." Everybody pound. 154 00:07:21,674 --> 00:07:23,642 Sorry, bro. I'm staying. 155 00:07:23,709 --> 00:07:25,904 If this is anything like my bachelor party... 156 00:07:25,978 --> 00:07:28,179 strippers, booze, definitely no hand stuff, wink-wink... 157 00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:31,514 it is gonna be in... Wait for it. 158 00:07:31,584 --> 00:07:33,950 ...credible! Incredible! 159 00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:37,353 - Wow. You guys are actually a lot alike. - You take that back, sir. 160 00:07:37,423 --> 00:07:40,449 I am nothing like Ralph Macchio. 161 00:07:40,526 --> 00:07:43,222 I mean, did you guys even get a stripper? 162 00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:45,491 Bro. Bro! 163 00:07:45,565 --> 00:07:47,328 Of course we got a stripper. 164 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:51,393 Do we look like the kind of dweebs who wouldn't get a stripper? 165 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:54,463 And as the saying goes... 166 00:07:54,540 --> 00:07:57,839 What happens in the sensibly priced business hotel outside Atlantic City... 167 00:07:57,910 --> 00:08:01,038 stays in the sensibly priced business hotel outside Atlantic City. 168 00:08:02,882 --> 00:08:04,543 Who is it? 169 00:08:04,617 --> 00:08:07,017 Police. We got a noise complaint from... 170 00:08:07,086 --> 00:08:09,179 Oh, who am I kidding? I can tell it's dead in there. 171 00:08:09,255 --> 00:08:10,745 I'm the stripper. 172 00:08:14,961 --> 00:08:17,020 - Barney? - Quinn? 173 00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:25,267 This is your bachelor party? 174 00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:28,603 You're engaged again, less than a year after we broke up? 175 00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:30,369 Is it Robin? 176 00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:34,880 Now hold on. You're not the only one with questions here. 177 00:08:34,947 --> 00:08:37,040 You didn't vet the stripper? 178 00:08:37,116 --> 00:08:39,380 Well, I'm glad you're so happy. 179 00:08:39,452 --> 00:08:41,613 After we broke up, I had to move out of the city... 180 00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:45,054 my car got totaled and I had to go back to stripping just to pay rent. 181 00:08:45,124 --> 00:08:48,855 It's like everywhere I look, my life is a dead end. 182 00:08:48,928 --> 00:08:51,021 Wow. 183 00:08:51,097 --> 00:08:53,588 I am... I'm so sorry, Quinn. 184 00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:57,965 So how does this work? Do you give me a private show, or does everyone... 185 00:08:58,037 --> 00:08:59,595 I am not stripping for you. 186 00:08:59,672 --> 00:09:01,936 Whoa. Whoa. I was promised boobs. 187 00:09:02,008 --> 00:09:04,602 - Oh, Ralph, if you want, I can... - Lily. 188 00:09:04,677 --> 00:09:06,304 - Is that the Karate Kid? - Yes! 189 00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:08,609 - No. - He's a lot like Barney, huh? 190 00:09:08,681 --> 00:09:12,378 You take that back, madam. I am nothing like Ralph Macchio. 191 00:09:12,451 --> 00:09:14,715 Okay, okay. I'll tell you what. 192 00:09:14,787 --> 00:09:18,883 I am going to strip for everyone here except Barney. 193 00:09:18,958 --> 00:09:21,722 And I'm gonna make it dirty. 194 00:09:21,794 --> 00:09:24,627 Yeah. Um, I'm the bachelor. 195 00:09:24,697 --> 00:09:27,291 Kind of no stripping without the lap of honor. 196 00:09:27,366 --> 00:09:29,926 Back me up, bros. 197 00:09:35,741 --> 00:09:37,140 Hey, Robin. 198 00:09:37,209 --> 00:09:39,439 Hey, sweetie. You having fun at your bachelor party? 199 00:09:39,512 --> 00:09:42,174 - No. - Good. 'Cause my night's been hell! 200 00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,739 And that's the inverted chimney sweep... 201 00:09:44,817 --> 00:09:47,911 the last of the 17 basic sexual positions. 202 00:09:47,987 --> 00:09:50,979 - Now, bondage... - Stop. I'm not a virgin. 203 00:09:51,057 --> 00:09:53,617 My napkin ring has seen plenty of breadsticks. 204 00:09:53,693 --> 00:09:55,627 And one baguette. 205 00:09:55,695 --> 00:09:57,185 I dated a center for the Knicks. 206 00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:59,925 Oh, thank God you're not a prude. 207 00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:01,967 Now we can really talk. 208 00:10:02,034 --> 00:10:04,093 Four Cosmos, pronto! 209 00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:07,936 Now she's drunk, holding up a napkin ring and three breadsticks... 210 00:10:08,007 --> 00:10:10,976 and talking about her night with Crosby, Stills and Nash. 211 00:10:11,043 --> 00:10:13,603 - Waiter, can I have another breadstick? - And Young. 212 00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:15,271 Please come back. 213 00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:18,613 Okay. I'll be there soon. 214 00:10:19,919 --> 00:10:22,683 - Really amazing. - We really did it. I think we did it. 215 00:10:22,755 --> 00:10:24,245 - You know? - Well... 216 00:10:24,323 --> 00:10:26,223 - You didn't miss a thing. - Oh, Quinn? 217 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:29,352 - Yeah? - You got a little something. 218 00:10:29,428 --> 00:10:31,089 Oh! Oh. 219 00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:39,231 Let's head back, guys. This night has been completely half-assed. 220 00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:40,499 You obviously missed the strip show. 221 00:10:40,573 --> 00:10:42,165 Hey-oh. 222 00:10:42,241 --> 00:10:44,971 Ted, this was my bachelor party. 223 00:10:45,044 --> 00:10:48,741 A man only gets two or three of these in his lifetime. 224 00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:52,341 And this is all you do for me? That's it. I'm calling it. 225 00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:55,216 Who needs a ride back to the city? 226 00:10:56,756 --> 00:10:58,986 Oh, oh, guys. Wait. Hold on. Hold on. 227 00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:03,661 Drinking. A shot. 228 00:11:05,297 --> 00:11:07,492 Shooting. A gun. 229 00:11:08,968 --> 00:11:11,232 Shotgun. Shotgun? 230 00:11:13,105 --> 00:11:14,595 Yeah, it's crowded in here. 231 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:17,234 I know. It's like a clown car. 232 00:11:17,309 --> 00:11:19,539 Well, I can make some room by grinding on Ralph's lap. 233 00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:21,944 S-Sitting! L-I meant... I meant sitting. 234 00:11:22,014 --> 00:11:24,710 This is the worst bachelor party ever. 235 00:11:24,784 --> 00:11:29,551 Man, my bachelor party was incre... Wait for it. 236 00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:33,353 And I hope you're hungry, 'cause the second half of this word is... edible! 237 00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:34,893 Incredible. 238 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,518 Self shake. 239 00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:40,055 You take that back, clown! 240 00:11:40,132 --> 00:11:42,896 I am nothing like Ralph Macchio. 241 00:11:42,968 --> 00:11:45,095 Yeah. You've got more in common with the clown... 242 00:11:45,171 --> 00:11:47,071 except his suit's more expensive. 243 00:11:47,139 --> 00:11:48,128 Hey-oh! 244 00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:49,697 What kind of loser... 245 00:11:49,775 --> 00:11:52,903 has his bachelor party 10 yards from A.C. And doesn't even gamble? 246 00:12:03,989 --> 00:12:05,684 Oh, sorry. 247 00:12:05,758 --> 00:12:07,726 Sorry. Oh. 248 00:12:07,793 --> 00:12:11,559 Oh, wait. Just a little more. Okay, sorry. Okay. 249 00:12:11,630 --> 00:12:15,760 ...bro mitzvah! 250 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,629 Kids, I'll skip over the gambling. 251 00:12:19,705 --> 00:12:21,969 Like I said, it was a complicated game... 252 00:12:22,041 --> 00:12:24,601 although your old man did pick it up pretty quickly. 253 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,377 You just won 300 bucks. 254 00:12:29,448 --> 00:12:31,439 I just lost 5,000. 255 00:12:31,517 --> 00:12:33,314 Oh, right. 'Cause the chicken. 256 00:12:33,385 --> 00:12:35,615 Yep. That's-That's 5,000. Yep. 257 00:12:37,656 --> 00:12:40,591 See, I'm laughing because you couldn't see me take my top off... 258 00:12:40,659 --> 00:12:42,286 but I just saw you lose your shirt. 259 00:12:42,361 --> 00:12:43,919 Hey-oh! 260 00:12:43,996 --> 00:12:45,793 - We have to go back. - Loser! 261 00:12:45,865 --> 00:12:47,457 Sorry. That was a real sneeze. 262 00:12:47,533 --> 00:12:49,364 It might've made you miss what I was saying. 263 00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:51,995 Loser! 264 00:12:52,071 --> 00:12:53,698 No, we're not going anywhere! 265 00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:56,298 I can still make this night legendary. 266 00:12:56,375 --> 00:12:57,899 Uh... Uh... 267 00:13:01,380 --> 00:13:03,871 Oh, oh. Okay. 268 00:13:03,949 --> 00:13:08,409 I got some credit. I just... Mm, Marshall, stand over there for good luck. 269 00:13:08,487 --> 00:13:10,352 - Oh, sure. - All right. 270 00:13:14,894 --> 00:13:16,384 Okay. 271 00:13:23,736 --> 00:13:26,364 Oh! Oh! 272 00:13:26,438 --> 00:13:28,702 You crazy son of a bitch! You did it! 273 00:13:28,774 --> 00:13:31,800 I just lost $80,000. 274 00:13:31,877 --> 00:13:33,877 Oh, right. Right. Yeah, 'cause the black jellybean. 275 00:13:33,879 --> 00:13:36,211 That-That's 80,000. He's right. 276 00:13:37,917 --> 00:13:40,647 You know, Ralph, earlier at the salon... 277 00:13:40,719 --> 00:13:43,586 I waxed on, then waxed off. 278 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,283 Everywhere. 279 00:13:45,357 --> 00:13:46,847 Uh, listen, lady. 280 00:13:46,926 --> 00:13:50,623 Your husband is, like... Hey, where is your husband? 281 00:13:50,696 --> 00:13:53,028 Marshall? Where's Marshall? 282 00:13:53,098 --> 00:13:56,659 Okay, Lily, don't overreact, but... 283 00:14:00,239 --> 00:14:03,834 Oh, oh. Okay, I got some credit. 284 00:14:03,909 --> 00:14:06,104 Marshall, stand over there for good luck. 285 00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,009 - Oh, sure. - All right. 286 00:14:12,017 --> 00:14:13,882 You sold my husband? 287 00:14:13,953 --> 00:14:17,252 Lily, can you be more like the Chinese mobster and give me some credit? 288 00:14:17,323 --> 00:14:20,622 I'm going back for Marshall. I just need to get some money. 289 00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:23,560 You have nothing to worry about. These are the "good" mobsters. 290 00:14:23,629 --> 00:14:26,189 Wow. What kind of bozo does that to a friend? 291 00:14:26,265 --> 00:14:28,756 Shut it, Ralph Macchio. 292 00:14:28,834 --> 00:14:32,361 No. You shut it. Ralph Macchio's right. You are a bozo. 293 00:14:32,438 --> 00:14:35,566 Um, I think they prefer "people of bright color." 294 00:14:35,641 --> 00:14:37,074 You know what a bachelor party's about? 295 00:14:37,142 --> 00:14:39,474 Hanging out with your friends and having a good time. 296 00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:42,605 But you only care about the good time, not the friends. 297 00:14:42,681 --> 00:14:45,650 So you know what? I'm-I'm done caring about you then. 298 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:47,913 - I'm outta here. - Ted. 299 00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:52,250 Ted. Ted, I have... 300 00:14:52,324 --> 00:14:55,555 I just tore your mom away from a living version... 301 00:14:55,628 --> 00:14:58,392 of a Nick Nolte mug shot and put her in a cab home. 302 00:14:58,464 --> 00:15:02,730 Thank you for abandoning me on what has been one of the worst nights of my life. 303 00:15:02,801 --> 00:15:06,293 So it's my usual fee, plus I always charge an extra hundred... 304 00:15:06,372 --> 00:15:08,397 for girl-on-clown action. 305 00:15:08,474 --> 00:15:09,964 What the hell is she doing here? 306 00:15:10,042 --> 00:15:12,169 Robin, I swear. Nothing happened. 307 00:15:12,244 --> 00:15:13,939 That means just hand stuff. 308 00:15:16,015 --> 00:15:19,815 No, no. Stop! Stop! Stop! 309 00:15:19,885 --> 00:15:24,822 Sorry, Barney. This... This-This is unforgivable. 310 00:15:24,890 --> 00:15:27,120 It's over. 311 00:15:27,192 --> 00:15:29,023 You know... 312 00:15:31,063 --> 00:15:32,826 I never got to do that. 313 00:15:43,475 --> 00:15:45,943 Ted? Robin. 314 00:15:46,011 --> 00:15:47,876 We're right on schedule. 315 00:15:52,918 --> 00:15:55,944 - Barney is suicidal. - I know! It's awesome! 316 00:15:56,021 --> 00:15:59,115 Yep, kids. We had planned out every step of the night. 317 00:15:59,191 --> 00:16:01,125 It started three weeks earlier. 318 00:16:01,193 --> 00:16:02,820 And you will disappoint me. 319 00:16:04,029 --> 00:16:06,156 But make it great, okay? 320 00:16:06,231 --> 00:16:08,222 Oh, it'll be great, all right. 321 00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:10,734 Okay, after two weeks of brainstorming... 322 00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:13,101 all I have on my list so far is Purell. 323 00:16:13,172 --> 00:16:16,300 - Marshall, what do you got? - Well, nothing now. 324 00:16:16,375 --> 00:16:19,276 This is impossible. How do you make something memorable... 325 00:16:19,345 --> 00:16:22,178 for a guy who makes every night the best night of his life? 326 00:16:22,247 --> 00:16:25,648 Give him the worst night of his life. 327 00:16:25,718 --> 00:16:30,655 We'll give him the worst hotel room with the worst entertainment. 328 00:16:30,723 --> 00:16:33,248 The wrong Karate Kid... 329 00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:36,488 and the absolute last stripper he would want to see. 330 00:16:36,562 --> 00:16:40,430 Hold on. You want me to pretend my life's gone to crap and I'm back to stripping... 331 00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:43,263 just to screw with my ex-fiancé? 332 00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:45,394 I love it! 333 00:16:45,471 --> 00:16:48,235 That party will be so terrible, he'll have to leave it. 334 00:16:48,307 --> 00:16:51,868 Then I'll instruct his arch nemesis to say... 335 00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:54,071 "What kind of loser has his bachelor party... 336 00:16:54,146 --> 00:16:56,774 10 yards from A. C. And doesn't even gamble?" 337 00:16:56,849 --> 00:17:01,980 Barney will take the envelope of cash I gave him and head straight into our trap. 338 00:17:02,054 --> 00:17:04,522 Hold on. You want us to rig a casino game... 339 00:17:04,590 --> 00:17:06,751 to trick one of our former high rollers. 340 00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:10,525 I love it. 341 00:17:10,596 --> 00:17:13,429 Well, uh, then you get Barney to use one of these guys as collateral. 342 00:17:13,499 --> 00:17:15,433 - He'll probably choose me. - What? 343 00:17:15,501 --> 00:17:18,095 Well, I'd be worth more. You know, perfect teeth. 344 00:17:18,170 --> 00:17:22,630 Yeah, it's just, uh... it's just I'm way more athletic than you. 345 00:17:22,708 --> 00:17:24,642 That's coming from the guy who's never beaten me at Skee-Ball. 346 00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:26,678 The only reason a mobster might choose you... 347 00:17:26,745 --> 00:17:29,043 is because they'd be afraid I'd go all Marshall Unchained on 'em... 348 00:17:29,114 --> 00:17:30,634 which obviously isn't a risk with you. 349 00:17:30,682 --> 00:17:33,549 Oh, you wanna see some Ted Unchained? Huh? 350 00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:35,280 I'll show you Ted Unchained! 351 00:17:36,688 --> 00:17:38,713 Marshall, would you mind standing over there for good luck? 352 00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:40,656 Oh, yeah. Sure. 353 00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:49,398 Meanwhile, I'll make sure he's abandoned me in my nightmare scenario. 354 00:17:49,468 --> 00:17:52,460 Hold on. You want me to help you trick my own son? 355 00:17:53,672 --> 00:17:55,640 - I love it. - Oh. 356 00:17:55,707 --> 00:17:57,197 Barney deserves it. 357 00:17:57,276 --> 00:18:00,643 - You know, he told me you were a virgin. - Ridiculous. 358 00:18:00,712 --> 00:18:04,978 I know. You are a dirty ho bag just like me. 359 00:18:05,050 --> 00:18:08,486 But he loves you so much. And so do I. 360 00:18:08,554 --> 00:18:10,988 Ho bag. 361 00:18:11,056 --> 00:18:15,083 Wait. Hold on. Is there any chance this is all too mean to Barney? 362 00:18:20,566 --> 00:18:22,329 Okay, we just need the finale. 363 00:18:22,401 --> 00:18:25,859 Oh, the Chinese mobsters chop off my hand right in front of Barney. 364 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:29,203 Yes! We're all equally enthused. 365 00:18:31,276 --> 00:18:33,471 Okay, here's a plan. After I storm off... 366 00:18:33,545 --> 00:18:35,035 Barney! 367 00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,708 Barney, hurry! Give 'em the money, please. Hurry! 368 00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:42,516 Oh, no! The Chinese mobster is giving Marshall back and taking me hostage instead... 369 00:18:42,588 --> 00:18:45,580 because he says I'm obviously more valuable. 370 00:18:45,657 --> 00:18:47,147 Can you... Can you unlock the door? 371 00:18:47,226 --> 00:18:50,161 Barney, please! They're gonna chop off my hand! 372 00:18:50,229 --> 00:18:52,527 No, they're not. They said you're free... 373 00:18:52,598 --> 00:18:54,566 and I think we agreed that's not something mobsters would do. 374 00:18:54,633 --> 00:18:56,362 Ted, come on. This is my thing. 375 00:18:56,435 --> 00:18:58,733 Don't hurt him. I've got the money. 376 00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:01,898 Too late! 377 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,042 Not my Skee-Ball hand! 378 00:19:06,245 --> 00:19:08,406 - No! - No! 379 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:11,040 No! 380 00:19:11,116 --> 00:19:13,516 Please, just don't shoot me in the face. Or the crotch. 381 00:19:13,585 --> 00:19:15,815 Surprise! 382 00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:18,379 What's going on? 383 00:19:18,457 --> 00:19:22,257 Well, we decided to give you everything you wanted for your bachelor party... 384 00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:24,158 without you even realizing it. 385 00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,895 Wait. So that's why you made me think Marshall might die? 386 00:19:28,967 --> 00:19:34,564 And I'd lost all that money and my friends hated me and my wedding was off? 387 00:19:34,640 --> 00:19:38,974 You just decided to-to-to check off everything on this list... 388 00:19:39,044 --> 00:19:41,842 in the most twisted way imaginable? 389 00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:44,610 That... is awesome! 390 00:19:44,683 --> 00:19:47,743 And it was all planned by a girl. 391 00:19:47,819 --> 00:19:49,844 Wow. 392 00:19:50,923 --> 00:19:53,858 So, Lily... 393 00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:55,917 later on tonight, you want to, um... 394 00:19:55,994 --> 00:19:57,655 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 395 00:19:57,729 --> 00:19:59,959 That was all just part of the act. 396 00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:02,227 You-You knew that, right? 397 00:20:02,301 --> 00:20:03,893 Yeah! Totally. 398 00:20:03,969 --> 00:20:07,029 We pulled it off, right? Platonic shake. 399 00:20:13,378 --> 00:20:18,816 Everyone, everyone, thank you for an incredible bro mitzvah. 400 00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:21,444 - Mazel brov! - Mazel brov! 401 00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,956 Mm, although you didn't really get everything on the list. 402 00:20:26,024 --> 00:20:29,653 No offense to Ralph Macchio, but he ain't the Karate Kid. 403 00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:32,128 I couldn't agree with you more. 404 00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:37,368 Do you know they almost didn't get me? 405 00:20:39,137 --> 00:20:41,162 But after 18 voice mails... 406 00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:46,575 I returned Robin's call. 407 00:20:46,645 --> 00:20:49,671 And she told me how you're one of the few people in the world... 408 00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:52,114 who truly gets The Karate Kid movie. 409 00:20:54,486 --> 00:20:56,681 So when she asked if I'd help... 410 00:20:56,755 --> 00:20:59,349 well, my answer just had to be... 411 00:21:03,595 --> 00:21:05,859 William Zabka! 31863

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