All language subtitles for How_I_Met_Your_Mother_S08E07_kissTVSeries.com

Guys, I'm going through
something kind of hard.

Since Quinn and I broke up, she's gone
back to dancing at the Lusty Leopard.

- And it's just really tough...
- Because you have to find a new strip club.

I have to find a new strip club!

I've been going to the Lusty Leopard
for seven years.

Wow. That's like 49 in perv years.

Sixty-nine. Self five!

Look, without my open wallet,
the Lusty Leopard would be nothing.

Thanks to me,
they've been able to expand...

and take over that soup kitchen next door.

Now I'm a free agent, and all
the strip clubs are after me.

Mr. Stinson, we might not have
the best strippers at Moneyball's...

but we use sabermetrics to get you
a stripper with a five body, sure...

and another with a butter face.

But together,
with their tireless grinding...

we guarantee a high on-pants percentage.

I gotta be honest with you, Fred.

I can't really see myself
signing with the Golden Oldies.

Well, that's what everyone says, at first.

But our GILFs have got class.

They've got maturity and experience...

and the kind of mind-blowing flexibility
that only comes from advanced hip dysplasia.

Barney, the Lusty Leopard
would be lost without you.

I think you're really gonna like a couple of
the girls we just pulled up from the minors.

Don't leave us!

Wow, you're like
the LeBron James of strip clubs.

Actually, you're probably
tied with LeBron James for that title.

LeBron isn't all that.
The Cavs are doing great without him.

Yeah.

Hey, guys, you will never believe
who I ran into outside of work today.

It wasn't the guy handing out coupons
in the hot dog costume, was it?

Baby, there's no reason
to be scared of him.

I'm not scared of him. It-It is totally
normal to see a h-hot dog with a face.

No, it was Brad, my old law school buddy.

I almost didn't recognize him.

Marshall?

- Brad?
- Bro!

Oh. Hey.

What a kick-ass day! I run into you.

Some sucker throws away
most of a perfectly good hot dog.

Kick-ass day.

You still doing corporate law?

I got downsized two years ago.
It's been rough.

Going through a little bit of a depresh.

But just today, boom! Huge job prospect.

Here's your application.
Just tell 'em I sent ya.

I bet you could fit in the bratwurst.

Bratwurst with a face?

What'd I tell ya?
Looks like I'm about to be on a roll.

Sounds like that guy could use some help.

I know! That's why I said...

You know, I'm-I'm at Honeywell & Cootes...

and they're looking to hire an associate.

I could totally recommend you.

- Whoa! - Bad idea.
- Leave the wounded behind!

Guys, Brad is an old
friend who needs a job.

Why shouldn't I give him the old...

Marshall Eriksen stamp of approval?

Marshall, you're a stamp tramp.

How dare you!

And what is that?

You give your stamp of
approval to everything.

It's become meaningless.
It's like when my mom likes a movie.

It just means Richard Dreyfuss is in it.

Marshall, you love everything and everyone.

It's-It's what I love about you.

But it's also why your stamps
are total crap.

- Give me one example.
- How about when you turned your boss...

into a fountain of bodily fluids.

Do you guys like it?

I'll be waiting for you in hell, Eriksen.

In my defense...

that restaurant's health
rating had just gone...

from an "F" to a "D,"
and I wanted to reward that.

Marshall, you're already on thin ice
with that horrible Honeywell guy.

Don't risk screwing things up more
right before your biggest case ever.

Okay, Honeywell is not horrible.

He just has a bad temper sometimes.

And he holds a grudge.

He's kind of defensive about
his height, and he's cheap.

And he made those secretaries cry.

But deep down, he is a great guy.

- Heck, he gets my stamp too.
- Stamp tramp.

But maybe this isn't the moment
to stick your neck out for Brad.

Well, that's not how I was raised.

Back in St. Cloud, we believe in people...

people like Gudren Olsen,
the town wino who became our mayor.

They even wound up
naming a bridge after him.

The one he drove off.

Marshall, why can't you be
more like your wife?

Lily's stamp is gold.
I'm reading this book because of her.

I'm drinking this beer because she recommended it.

I'm even wearing this bra because
of a lingerie store Lily told me about.

Uh, if anyone's got the golden stamp...

it's old Teddy West Side over here.

Please. You're a piggyback stamper.

- Mmm.
- How dare you!

And what is that?

Allow us to demonstrate. Lily?

Hey, guys, I just found a great new
sushi restaurant. It's called Katsu...

...yoku. Katsuyoku. My idea. I'm Ted.

- Nailed it.
- Totally.

Okay, Ted. Name one cool thing
you've given your stamp to first...

- Dr. Berkowitz.
- That isn't an ear, nose and throat doctor.

Man, these strip clubs want me so bad.

They're sending me T-shirts, beer cozies.

Stickies even sent me a boob-shaped
hand sanitizer dispenser.

It's clean and dirty at the same time.

That's it? T-shirts and beer cozies?
That's disrespect, son.

Here's what you do. Hit a few strip clubs
in Jersey and Long Island.

Jersey? Long Island?

Why would I go to a third world nation
to get my knob wobbled?

Well, you wouldn't.
But when the clubs in the city...

hear you're sniffing around
across the river...

those beer cozies and T-shirts
turn into Rolexes and fur coats...

especially from that strip club, Fur Coats.

Wow! That's genius. You're hired.

- What do you mean?
- I want you to be my strip club agent.

What is wrong with you?

Well, I just figured I'd ask. It...

No, I'm talking to myself because,
for some reason, I really want to do that.

Oh! Oh! What am I wearing?

Just proof of a stamp
I know I gave first...

from a little band called Dishwalla.

- Who?
- Dishwalla!

Come on! They had that whole
"Tell me all your thoughts on God" song.

Oh.

Look, I'm not saying
they're my favorite band...

but for a while in college,
we were all into that song...

and it was all thanks to me.

- But I turned you on to Dishwalla.
- No way.

I played them on my radio show.

I mean, pirate deejay Doctor "X"
played them on his beloved radio show.

We all know you were Doctor "X," Ted.

And I'm the one who got us into that song.

No! No. On his beloved radio show...

Doctor "X" pointed out
that the chorus went...

"Tell me all your thoughts on God"...

♪ 'Cause I really want to meet her ♪

Her. God's a woman.

And it blew the minds of everyone listening
to Doctor "X" that night.

Which was pretty much everyone on campus,
including me. I'm not Doctor "X."

Oh, so you're saying credit for the stamp
goes to Doctor "X" then, not you.

Okay.

I'm gonna tell you guys
something right now.

Take a sip. Follow my lead.

I'm Doctor "X."

No!

I hope this works out, bro.

I couldn't even get my leg
in that bratwurst outfit.

Oh. Don't be nervous.
Honeywell is gonna love you.

Sweet. Freebie muff tops.

Can I... pour you a pocket of coffee?

I didn't say you were fat.
I said that dress makes you look fat.

Idiot. Hey! You must be Brad.

I'm excited to meet the man
Eriksen's been talking up all week.

Mr. Honeywell, I have to say...

your environmental work is amazing.

Oh, come on. It's not like
I'm saving the world.

Oh, wait. Yes, I am.

Great. Marshall tells me you have the big
Gruber Pharmaceutical trial coming up.

I'd love to give you my thoughts
on the case, but I can't take full credit.

Most of these are from my psychic.

My psychic always pushes
for a settlement...

but my numerologist says
roll the dice with the jury.

Waiting for my astrologist
to weigh in, but he can be kind of flaky.

You know, Cancer.

Should know more
after he gets back from chemo.

Good luck, bro!

Ha!

You know the best part about you
challenging me on Dishwalla?

Didn't challenge you. Don't care.

Made me dig up my old video diaries
from freshman year.

And somewhere in here there's gonna be
proof that I am not a piggyback stamper.

I have my own original ideas.

Well, didn't you only do the video diaries
because of Winona Ryder in Reality Bites?

No.

I don't know what you're talk... Shut up.

Let's just watch.

How do you even know there's gonna be
mention of Dishwalla on those tapes?

I don't. And it may take me days
to go through them all...

but that is how committed I am to the truth.

Hey, you guys should
check out that song by the band Dishwalla.

- Really? I never heard of them.
- Damn it!

- So? - Bottom line, Vito, a lot
of strip clubs are into my client.

If you want the Melon Patch
to be in the mix...

we're gonna need bigger melons
and smaller patches.

Otherwise, your establishment is not where
Barney Stinson is gonna pitch his tent.

B-Dawg. Barn Doors. Stinsonnati, Brohio!

Talk to me. How's it hangin'?

You are killing it at this agent thing.

I just got a big box at Yankee Stadium
from the ladies at the Big Box.

- Mm-hmm.
- One question.

Golden Oldies just sent me a fax machine
and a Charo calendar.

- Aren't they out of the running?
- Yeah.

But those old bitches
don't need to know that.

Yeah, I just feel kind of bad.

They just spent eight grand...

On that wheelchair ramp up to the stage.

Hey, Larry.
How's everything at the beaver dam?

I don't even know that strip club.

Oh, it's not a club. Um, my cousin Larry
is a forest ranger in Squamish.

Oh, yeah?

Then I was fired from Bed Bath & Beyond
for telling inappropriate jokes.

I mean, get a sense of humor, LaShonda.

You know how "they" are.

"They" meaning Bed Bath & Beyond
employees, right?

Hmm? No. Women.

That still could have been worse.

Thank God I ran into Marshall.

This guy's supportive as balls.
And here I am.

Yes, we both owe Marshall a debt of
gratitude for getting you this interview.

- Eriksen, can I see you outside?
- Sure.

Good. Just try to stay
out there a few minutes.

I just cut one, and I can tell
it's gonna be a slow burn.

What is Generation 'X"?

What does the 'X"
in Generation 'X"stand for?

What do we stand for?

Why aren't people on campus
talking about this?

Maybe you should do a radio show
and call yourself Doctor 'X."

I just had an amazing idea.

- Just turn it off.
- Can't look away.

Oh, God, no.

Oh, God. I'm putting on a beret.

You were there.
Why didn't you tell me that looks stupid?

Ted, that beret looks stupid.

I look magnifique!

Marshall, that man is the human equivalent
of what came out of my body...

after eating that soup you recommended!

- This guy's your friend?
- Really more of an acquaintance than a friend.

No backpedaling. You're Marshall Eriksen.

You believe in people!

You know what Brad hasn't told you?

- He was third in our class at Columbia.
- That is impressive.

And I suppose he did warn us
about the fart.

He's a great guy.

So, please, give him just one more chance.

Two more minutes.

I'm proud of ya.

I'm proud of you for being proud of me.

You went undergrad to Holy Cross.
That's my alma mater.

Went there on a basketball scholarship.

No way! I played center.

Uh-oh.

Why is that so shocking?

'Cause you're, like, an itty-bitty fella.

Hey, how about fish, huh? Fish are crazy, right?
You guys ever think about fish?

I am 6 foot 1, sir.

Bro, I'm at least a foot taller than you.

Well, then, I guess that
makes you a freakish 7 foot 1.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

"Fsh."

I am 6 feet and 1 inch.

- And I'll prove it.
- Eriksen.

How tall are you?

Seven feet.

- So, we've got a deal somewhere?
- We sure do.

You are the new face of
and exclusive customer to...

Golden Oldies.

What?

- I thought we ruled them out.
- I don't remember that!

Now, uh, let's go. It is 4:00.

And their dinner show starts in 10 minutes.
So here you go.

Wait a minute.

- Oh.
- Is that a Rolex?

Huh. What do you know?
How did that get there?

Anyway, uh, so initial here and...

Where'd you get the bling, Robin?

Uh...

They bribed you.

They bribed you!

Why else would you pick a place
where the strippers say...

they're trying to put
their grandkids through college?

Please leave.

Barney, I can explain.

- Please...
- Okay.

Leave.

Say it, you giant beast. Say I'm 6'1 "!

Maybe if you stood on top of that pot of
gold you have at the end of your rainbow.

You know something?
You're nothing but a... a tree man!

I never want to see you again, tree man!

Fine. I have to go
to the little boys' room.

Not your office. I need to take a dump.

If that's the type of guy you vouch for,
I can't trust your judgment.

- You're off the Gruber Pharmaceutical case.
- No.

Oh, good.
We're up to the time I got my ear pierced.

Do it, do it, do it. Don't, don't... Don't do it.
Don't, don't, don't... Okay. Do it.

Do it now. Do, do. Do it. Do it. No, don't!
Don't do it! Don't do it! Don't do it!

Don't! Yes! You can do this.

That goes on for 45 minutes.

Hey, how was work, baby?

Remember how I always wanted
to know what it was like to be a ghost?

Well, I don't want that anymore.

Okay, suppose we lead with the carbon
testing of the residue water.

How do we keep the jury engaged. Anyone?

We could bring up the survey
from Dr. Pasquesi's testimony.

Anyone. Anyone who isn't dead to me.

Then you have to earn
Honeywell's trust back.

Just start small.

Put your stamp on little things that have
nothing to do with work, like a funny video.

I, uh... I may have something.

♪♪ ♪ Tell me all ♪

Don't think, Mosby. Do it now!

- Oh, my God, I'm doing it!
- Wow, he's a real bleeder!

And then you build
to something else small...

like a tasty snack.

Don't sleep on the popcorn.

Try mixing the caramel and the cheese.

It shouldn't work, but... it... does.

There's no way caramel
and cheese... That's good.

That is good. Oh.

And when Honeywell starts
trusting your stamp again...

he'll seek out your opinion on things.

Be honest, Eriksen. Is this deep V working?

And that's when you lie your ass off.

Sir, I think you could go even deeper.

- And before you know it...
- Eriksen, get in here.

- You're back on the case.
- I want your opinion on this brief.

Ted, why are you torturing yourself?

None of us were our best in college.

Oh, my God. I love my hair there.

I always thought I was this kid
from suburban Ohio...

who had this innate sense
of judgment and taste.

Just showed up to college
and wowed everyone.

Now I have concrete proof that I wasn't.

I was a total Gomer.

Maybe I still am. I don't know.

Wait, that's the giant suit
Marshall wore on our third date.

So, Marshall Eriksen. You just came back
from your third date with Lily.

- How was it?
- Great. Yeah.

I just... I think I'm falling
for this girl pretty hard.

Is everything happening too fast?

- I mean, may-maybe I should see other people.
- Whoa, dude. No!

Lily Aldrin is special.
You hold on to that girl.

She is. Just I'm only 18 and...

Marshall, you being 18 isn't a bad thing.

It just means you get to spend
even more of your life with her.

I mean, I'm probably
not gonna meet my wife until I'm, like, 23.

You're right.

What am I thinking?

I'm in love with this girl.

Ted. Oh, my God.
You gave me the ultimate stamp.

I mean, my whole life... this life...

it all goes back to that moment.

Mmm.

I mean, maybe take a
month off, bang a couple chicks.

Lily's not going anywhere.

- Hey, Barney.
- Hey.

Um, look, I'm sorry about the whole "skimming
off the top of the strip club swag" thing.

Hey, it happens to everybody.

Really? Because even as I said those words,
they did not feel like a real thing.

Hey, look, wherever you end up...

can I have the dubious honor
of buying you your first lap dance?

It's a date.

Ladies and gentleman, it's time for...

"the decision."

Yeah.

Ladies, my brodium.

Look at this.

Man, this whole free agent experience...

it's been an unbelievable experience...

a real humbling experience.

First of all, the Lusty Leopard
is where I developed my game.

I have nothing but the utmost
respect for you skanks.

He's just gonna stay at the Lusty Leopard.
They have loyalty and heart.

I bet you he rewards that.

LeBron moved on, Ted. So should you.

But Barney Stinson has to do what's right
for Barney Stinson's penis.

In this fall... This is tough. Um...

In this fall, I'm going to
take my talents to Mouth Beach.

The next day,
Uncle Marshall went to court...

in the biggest case of his life.

Hey, Marshall, Bilbo.

Brad. What are you...

Did you just get hired
by Gruber Pharmaceutical's legal team?

Oh, not "just."

I've been working for them for two years.

I heard about the job opening
at Honeywell & Cootes...

and knew that if I hung out in front of your
office and pretended to be down on my luck...

you'd take pity on me
and get me an interview.

Just try to stay out there a few minutes.

I just cut one, and I can tell
it's gonna be a slow burn.

And buy some alone time
in the conference room.

I got your firm's strategy for the case.

Muchas gracias, bromigo.

He's really more
of an acquaintance than a bromigo.

Win this case, or you're fired, Eriksen.

And so began the trial...

that would change the course
of Marshall's career.

But we'll get to that.

Oh, you see?
This is what I miss about being single!

Cutting loose at a strip club,
drinking some beers...

seeing some boobs,
getting thrown out for being too handsy.

Yeah, you were a little
out of control tonight.

You know, I really thought that that
bouncer was bluffing with the Taser.

Man, everything's gonna taste
like pennies for a week.

I had a fun time tonight though.

Me too.

I always have fun with you.

Whoa. Whoa. I...

I've-I've got to, um...

We can't... We can't do this.

- Okay.
- Th-This... This can't happen.

Uh... I-I've... I've gotta go.

Wha... Wait.