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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,134 --> 00:00:02,624 [Ted Narrating] Kids... 2 00:00:02,702 --> 00:00:06,297 once your Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily found a nanny for baby Marvin... 3 00:00:06,373 --> 00:00:09,035 they were excited for their first day out together in five months. 4 00:00:09,109 --> 00:00:11,202 - And so were we. - [All Shouting] 5 00:00:11,277 --> 00:00:14,041 - Mama! Dada! - Oh. 6 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:16,315 Hey. 7 00:00:16,383 --> 00:00:20,251 Ah. So, now that there's no screaming baby to distract us... 8 00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:22,788 what have you guys been up to lately? 9 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,188 [Ted Narrating] This was a surprisingly loaded question. 10 00:00:25,258 --> 00:00:29,888 You see, right after Marvin was born, Lily and Marshall had issued a decree. 11 00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:33,660 New rule. You can't come to us with any issue... 12 00:00:33,733 --> 00:00:35,963 unless it's an eight or higher. 13 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,402 And we were doing our best to abide. 14 00:00:38,471 --> 00:00:40,632 Ted, how are things going with Victoria? 15 00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:44,005 My dad made the funniest joke. 16 00:00:44,077 --> 00:00:46,739 He said that since you're the reason I left the wedding... 17 00:00:46,813 --> 00:00:50,806 you owe him the $70,000 he paid for it, or else. 18 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,943 [Laughing] 19 00:00:53,019 --> 00:00:56,750 You know, he's not usually funny like that. 20 00:00:56,823 --> 00:00:59,815 [Ted Thinking] Not promising, but not an eight. 21 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:02,487 Everything's great. 22 00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:04,689 And, Robin, how's everything with Nick? 23 00:01:05,932 --> 00:01:08,196 Finally ready for a ride on the bike? 24 00:01:08,268 --> 00:01:10,759 Who, me? 25 00:01:10,837 --> 00:01:12,464 Let's ride, big daddy. 26 00:01:15,508 --> 00:01:16,998 Oh, yeah. 27 00:01:20,046 --> 00:01:22,173 Mama likey. 28 00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:27,480 - Robin. - Hmm? 29 00:01:27,554 --> 00:01:29,454 Over here. 30 00:01:29,522 --> 00:01:32,116 Eco-friendly. 31 00:01:32,192 --> 00:01:34,160 She runs on corn. 32 00:01:35,528 --> 00:01:37,860 [Robin Thinking] Total lady-bone killer... 33 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:39,796 but not an eight. 34 00:01:39,866 --> 00:01:41,629 Everything's great. 35 00:01:41,701 --> 00:01:44,670 And how are things for the old Barnacle? 36 00:01:45,972 --> 00:01:49,499 Oh. [Panting] 37 00:01:49,576 --> 00:01:51,237 [Thinking] Not an eight. 38 00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:53,302 At best, she was a six, six and a half. 39 00:01:53,379 --> 00:01:55,210 More like a four by the time I was done with her. 40 00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:58,148 - Mental self five. - [High-five Slap] 41 00:01:58,218 --> 00:02:00,379 Everything's great. 42 00:02:00,453 --> 00:02:03,115 To the long-awaited MacLaren's return of Marshall and Lily. 43 00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:05,282 - [Cheering] - Yay! 44 00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:06,723 - Mmm. - Mmm. 45 00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:08,590 I've missed this. Okay, we gotta go. 46 00:02:08,661 --> 00:02:10,094 What... You just got here. 47 00:02:10,163 --> 00:02:12,028 I cleared my whole night for you guys. 48 00:02:12,098 --> 00:02:14,658 I didn't even bring my booty-call phone. 49 00:02:14,734 --> 00:02:17,965 Oh, I'm sorry, but we just really need some time to ourselves. 50 00:02:18,037 --> 00:02:19,664 I promise we'll hang out soon. 51 00:02:19,739 --> 00:02:22,606 - See you guys. - All right. 52 00:02:22,675 --> 00:02:25,075 [Man] ♪ Booty, booty, booty, booty rocking everywhere ♪ 53 00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:27,636 ♪ Booty, booty, booty, booty rocking everywhere ♪ 54 00:02:27,714 --> 00:02:30,842 - ♪♪[Continues] - Yeah, like I'm gonna leave this at home. 55 00:02:30,917 --> 00:02:34,409 Barney Stinson. How may I direct my penis? 56 00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:37,615 It is so nice to be out in the fresh air. 57 00:02:37,690 --> 00:02:39,180 - You smell that? - Oh. 58 00:02:39,259 --> 00:02:41,557 That's the smell of urine that isn't Marvin's. 59 00:02:41,628 --> 00:02:43,289 Oh, God. I miss that smell. 60 00:02:43,363 --> 00:02:46,423 You know, I thought we'd spend the whole time worrying about Marvin... 61 00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:49,366 but it's actually nice to be out in the world, living life. 62 00:02:49,435 --> 00:02:50,902 Yeah. 63 00:02:50,970 --> 00:02:52,870 [Tires Screeching] 64 00:02:52,939 --> 00:02:54,531 - [Horn Honks] - [Gasps] 65 00:02:54,607 --> 00:02:56,598 Death is all around us. 66 00:02:58,311 --> 00:03:01,144 Wow. That urine smell just got a lot stronger. 67 00:03:02,649 --> 00:03:05,140 ♪♪[Upbeat Pop] 68 00:03:06,719 --> 00:03:08,584 ♪♪[Man Vocalizing] 69 00:03:08,700 --> 00:03:13,700 Ripped By mstoll 70 00:03:13,826 --> 00:03:15,453 ♪♪[Ends] 71 00:03:15,828 --> 00:03:18,194 So, you guys spent your first night out in five months... 72 00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:20,232 sitting at home, planning for your own deaths? 73 00:03:20,300 --> 00:03:23,292 Yep, we found this Web site that helps you make a will. 74 00:03:23,369 --> 00:03:25,303 - "In the event of your death"... - [Yelps] 75 00:03:26,439 --> 00:03:29,670 I'm sorry. I-It's just real sad to think about. 76 00:03:29,742 --> 00:03:31,835 Oh, I know. 77 00:03:31,911 --> 00:03:33,970 - "In the event of your death"... - [Sobs] 78 00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:36,777 Okay. You know what? Let's just start with something easy, okay? 79 00:03:36,849 --> 00:03:39,010 Yeah. "Please enter your zip code." 80 00:03:39,085 --> 00:03:44,421 [Sobbing] We'll never get mail again. 81 00:03:44,490 --> 00:03:47,857 I keep reassuring Lily that this is all hypothetical. 82 00:03:47,927 --> 00:03:50,919 Relatively speaking, New York City is very safe. 83 00:03:50,997 --> 00:03:53,329 Please! Faulty elevators... 84 00:03:53,399 --> 00:03:56,027 exploding manhole covers, jealous husbands. 85 00:03:56,102 --> 00:03:58,036 This place is a coroner's paradise. 86 00:03:58,104 --> 00:03:59,036 Oh, my God. 87 00:03:59,105 --> 00:04:00,436 They are way more likely to eat it... 88 00:04:00,506 --> 00:04:02,201 in a mugging gone wrong. 89 00:04:02,275 --> 00:04:04,072 There was a double "homi" on your block a week ago. 90 00:04:04,143 --> 00:04:06,134 Caught it on the scanner during lunch. 91 00:04:06,212 --> 00:04:09,181 Knife job. Guy made a real mess of it too. 92 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,978 Oh! [Crying] 93 00:04:11,050 --> 00:04:13,814 Anyway, then we got to the section... 94 00:04:13,886 --> 00:04:15,820 about picking a guardian. 95 00:04:15,888 --> 00:04:19,153 "Sometimes couples choose one of their parents as a guardian." 96 00:04:19,225 --> 00:04:22,285 That makes it simple. My mom. 97 00:04:22,362 --> 00:04:25,354 - Your mom? - What's wrong with my mom? 98 00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:27,126 - Are you... - [Voices Speed Up] 99 00:04:30,803 --> 00:04:32,361 Fine! All right! 100 00:04:32,438 --> 00:04:35,168 Marvin won't go to my loving mother. 101 00:04:35,241 --> 00:04:37,801 - But he's gotta go to somebody. - Fine. 102 00:04:37,877 --> 00:04:40,573 - What about my mom? - [Scoffs] Your mom? 103 00:04:40,647 --> 00:04:43,514 - Um, excuse... - [Voices Speeding Up] 104 00:04:49,756 --> 00:04:52,748 Fine! Not my mom. 105 00:04:52,825 --> 00:04:55,020 - What about my dad? - Your dad? 106 00:04:55,094 --> 00:04:56,891 [Voice Speeds Up] Okay, yeah. He's out. 107 00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:59,431 Wait a minute. You know who would be good? 108 00:04:59,499 --> 00:05:02,434 My brother, Marcus. He's, like, a great dad. 109 00:05:02,502 --> 00:05:04,163 Do you remember his Christmas card? 110 00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:07,400 ♪♪[Male Chorus Vocalizing] 111 00:05:07,473 --> 00:05:09,941 Questionable denim choices aside... 112 00:05:10,009 --> 00:05:11,567 Marcus is a good dad. 113 00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:15,045 I guess if Marvin has to go to anyone, it should be family. 114 00:05:15,114 --> 00:05:16,843 Okay, great. 115 00:05:16,916 --> 00:05:18,247 Okay. 116 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,115 Marcus. Hey, how's it going? 117 00:05:20,186 --> 00:05:22,654 Pretty freaking sweet, butt wipe. 118 00:05:22,722 --> 00:05:24,383 I packed up all my crap. 119 00:05:24,457 --> 00:05:26,550 I said, "See ya" to Sarah and the kids... 120 00:05:26,626 --> 00:05:31,563 and I finally got my dream job as a mixologist down here at Carnalism 2. 121 00:05:31,631 --> 00:05:33,030 Hold on. 122 00:05:33,099 --> 00:05:35,897 Some punk's trying to use his snorkel rental as a bong. 123 00:05:35,968 --> 00:05:41,429 Hey! [Jamaican Accent] You be packing that bowl too tight, mon! 124 00:05:42,942 --> 00:05:45,103 So now we don't have a guardian. 125 00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:46,941 You know, as your best friend... 126 00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:51,143 if called upon, I'd be honored to raise Marvin. 127 00:05:51,217 --> 00:05:54,744 If you want him to be raised by his underwear on a flagpole, Ted's your guy. 128 00:05:54,821 --> 00:05:58,450 If you want him pulling the cord on some other nerd's panties, I'm your guy. 129 00:05:58,524 --> 00:06:02,460 I'll teach that kid how to be awesome in ways you and Lily never could. 130 00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:04,723 It's going to be legen... Wait for it. 131 00:06:04,797 --> 00:06:07,095 No, I won't wait for it. And neither should little baby Marvin... 132 00:06:07,166 --> 00:06:10,294 so maybe it's better if you two just die right now...... dary. 133 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:14,534 [Ted Narrating] And so began the longest week of Lily and Marshall's lives. 134 00:06:16,142 --> 00:06:17,666 Huh? 135 00:06:17,744 --> 00:06:19,234 Huh? 136 00:06:21,781 --> 00:06:23,271 ♪♪ [Note] 137 00:06:23,349 --> 00:06:27,615 ♪ Bro MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-bro ♪ 138 00:06:27,687 --> 00:06:30,087 ♪ And on that farm he had some chicks ♪ 139 00:06:30,156 --> 00:06:32,021 ♪ E-I-E-I-bro ♪ 140 00:06:32,091 --> 00:06:35,060 ♪ With a hot chick here and dumb chick there... ♪♪ 141 00:06:36,696 --> 00:06:38,459 Huh? Huh? 142 00:06:40,166 --> 00:06:42,157 ♪♪ [Note] 143 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:47,229 ♪ Bro, bro, bro your broat gently to the bar ♪ 144 00:06:47,306 --> 00:06:50,207 ♪ Hit on sluts then do 10 shots and... ♪♪ 145 00:06:53,846 --> 00:06:55,905 Huh? 146 00:06:55,982 --> 00:06:57,506 Huh? 147 00:06:59,986 --> 00:07:01,476 Oh! 148 00:07:03,222 --> 00:07:05,588 ♪♪ [Note] 149 00:07:05,658 --> 00:07:08,684 ♪ The boobs on the bus go up and down ♪ 150 00:07:08,761 --> 00:07:10,991 ♪ Up and down, up and down ♪ 151 00:07:11,063 --> 00:07:13,896 ♪ The boobs on the bus go up and down ♪ 152 00:07:19,906 --> 00:07:22,136 ♪ All through the town ♪♪ 153 00:07:24,343 --> 00:07:27,039 What, you think you can bribe them with a stroller? 154 00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:28,546 They've already got one, fool. 155 00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:31,208 Oh, this is no stroller, Robin. 156 00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,878 I call it the broller. Go ahead. Look inside. 157 00:07:34,921 --> 00:07:36,946 [Sighs] 158 00:07:37,023 --> 00:07:38,684 I don't get it. I don't see anything. 159 00:07:38,758 --> 00:07:40,749 Yeah, but Papa does. 160 00:07:43,262 --> 00:07:45,594 Are those Robin's boobies? 161 00:07:45,665 --> 00:07:48,862 When nubile hotties lean in to inspect your bundle of joy... 162 00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:51,563 you can inspect their bundles of joy. 163 00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:54,902 The broller. God! I come up with a lot of good stuff! 164 00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:56,532 - Hey, guys. - Hey. 165 00:07:56,609 --> 00:07:59,169 - Hey. - Lily and I need you to come upstairs. 166 00:07:59,245 --> 00:08:02,703 This is an important decision, and we can't have you constantly interrupting us... 167 00:08:02,782 --> 00:08:04,773 with this childish competition. 168 00:08:04,851 --> 00:08:10,790 Which is why we're gonna make it an official competition! 169 00:08:10,857 --> 00:08:13,087 We're gonna play Who Wants To Be a Godparent? 170 00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,218 Right after this word from our sponsors. 171 00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:20,426 [Whispering] Why is he talking to the wall? 172 00:08:24,570 --> 00:08:27,596 Wait. This is how you're gonna choose a guardian for Marvin? 173 00:08:27,673 --> 00:08:29,903 Why don't you just put us in a three-way cage match... 174 00:08:29,976 --> 00:08:31,637 and go with whoever's left standing? 175 00:08:31,711 --> 00:08:34,908 We talked about that, but it gave Robin an unfair advantage. 176 00:08:34,981 --> 00:08:38,974 - [Marshall] Yeah. - You see, guys, we were really struggling with this decision. 177 00:08:39,051 --> 00:08:41,611 ♪ All through the town ♪ 178 00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:43,086 [Sighs] 179 00:08:43,155 --> 00:08:45,988 Babe, I know these guys have been a little over the top lately. 180 00:08:46,058 --> 00:08:48,185 "A little"? 181 00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:51,458 But we still have to pick a guardian, just in case. 182 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:54,091 - In case of what? - Don't make me say it. 183 00:08:54,166 --> 00:08:56,464 Say it. I can handle it. Say it. 184 00:08:57,336 --> 00:09:00,828 - In case we die. - [Crying] 185 00:09:00,907 --> 00:09:04,604 How can you even say it? 186 00:09:04,677 --> 00:09:07,976 [Marshall] And then I thought, "What do you do if you've got a wife who won't stop crying... 187 00:09:08,047 --> 00:09:10,743 three idiots who won't stop bribing you... 188 00:09:10,816 --> 00:09:14,252 and a universally beloved skill for gamesmanship?" 189 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:17,255 You take a bunch of guardianship scenarios, throw 'em on a wheel... 190 00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:19,587 buy your wife an expensive dress so she'll participate. 191 00:09:19,659 --> 00:09:21,149 I'm pretty again. 192 00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:24,993 Bottom line is I just wanted to make the idea of me and Lily dying... 193 00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:26,554 - Oh. - Fun. 194 00:09:26,632 --> 00:09:29,624 Now, if you'll step behind your podiums, we'll get started. 195 00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:31,736 [Clears Throat] 196 00:09:32,738 --> 00:09:34,797 Contestants, here's how the game works. 197 00:09:34,874 --> 00:09:37,604 Lily will spin that wheel. Not yet. 198 00:09:37,677 --> 00:09:39,611 When it lands on a parenting issue... 199 00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:42,876 you'll each describe how you would handle it with Marvin. 200 00:09:42,949 --> 00:09:45,941 The contestant with the highest score gets to be his godparent. 201 00:09:46,018 --> 00:09:50,580 Ready to play? Great. Lily, spin that wheel! 202 00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:56,486 See, now, see, um, enthusiasm will factor into your scores. 203 00:09:56,562 --> 00:10:01,022 - So, I say again, Lily... - [All] Spin that wheel! 204 00:10:07,873 --> 00:10:09,670 Ooh. Our demise. 205 00:10:09,742 --> 00:10:11,869 - Oh! - [Clears Throat] Barney. 206 00:10:11,944 --> 00:10:15,277 How would you explain to little Marvin... 207 00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:17,475 why we're not around anymore? 208 00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:19,814 No! 209 00:10:19,885 --> 00:10:24,754 Easy. All I'd have to do is change a few words to one of my classics with the ladies. 210 00:10:24,824 --> 00:10:27,816 The president of the world has called your parents away... 211 00:10:27,893 --> 00:10:29,827 on a super-secret space mission. 212 00:10:29,895 --> 00:10:33,592 For the sake of the planet, you will never see them again. 213 00:10:33,666 --> 00:10:36,066 Now, pick up your toys and say good night to Daddy. 214 00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:38,228 What do you know? The last line stays the same. 215 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:39,999 - Judges? - [Raspberry] 216 00:10:40,072 --> 00:10:42,700 Okay, Robin, what would you do? 217 00:10:42,775 --> 00:10:46,575 Remember, "president of the world called parents away for a super-secret space mission"... 218 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:48,341 has already been taken. 219 00:10:48,414 --> 00:10:51,247 Well, my dad was always up-front and honest with me... 220 00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:53,251 so that's how I would be. 221 00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:55,651 All right, kid. Here's the deal with the deal. 222 00:10:55,721 --> 00:10:57,245 Your mom and dad are done-ski. 223 00:10:57,323 --> 00:10:59,223 Belly flopped off a subway platform. 224 00:10:59,291 --> 00:11:01,486 Mom busted open like a piñata. 225 00:11:01,560 --> 00:11:04,529 What was left of your dad hung around for a few days. 226 00:11:04,597 --> 00:11:06,087 Anyway, plug's pulled, organs donated. 227 00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:08,895 Long story short, I'm your new mommy now. [Chuckles] 228 00:11:08,968 --> 00:11:10,265 So-wish! 229 00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:13,100 [Crying] 230 00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:16,198 I... I was saving these for the showcase. 231 00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:18,704 Here, hang on. 232 00:11:18,778 --> 00:11:22,805 - Hey, Lily, look, baby. Look. His and her watches. - Oh! 233 00:11:22,882 --> 00:11:24,406 [Clears Throat] Ted. 234 00:11:24,483 --> 00:11:26,212 Category's all yours. 235 00:11:26,285 --> 00:11:28,276 Okay, here's what I would say. 236 00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:32,791 Well, Marvin, explaining where your parents are isn't gonna be easy. 237 00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:38,660 Even I, Lily and Marshall's best friend... 238 00:11:38,731 --> 00:11:41,393 for almost 20 years... 239 00:11:43,002 --> 00:11:45,562 will have a hard time doing it. 240 00:11:45,638 --> 00:11:49,699 But I do know a guy who's very good at this sort of thing. 241 00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:53,577 Professor Infosaurus! 242 00:11:53,646 --> 00:11:55,273 [High-pitched Voice] Hey there, squirt. 243 00:11:55,347 --> 00:12:00,114 Death is a difficult yet unfortunate certainty. 244 00:12:00,186 --> 00:12:02,245 - Good enough! - ♪♪ [Note Chimes] 245 00:12:02,321 --> 00:12:04,789 - Ted wins the round. - Yes! Yes! You will see. 246 00:12:04,857 --> 00:12:08,258 Professor Infosaurus will be a big, big hit with children. 247 00:12:09,528 --> 00:12:12,088 Isn't that right, kids? Hmm? 248 00:12:15,334 --> 00:12:16,824 [Ted Narrating] Moving on. 249 00:12:19,638 --> 00:12:21,128 [Marshall] Discipline. 250 00:12:21,207 --> 00:12:26,110 How would you handle Marvin taking another kid's toy? 251 00:12:26,178 --> 00:12:28,669 - Barney. - [Scoffs] That's easy. 252 00:12:31,016 --> 00:12:33,507 - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - I'm calling Child Services. 253 00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:35,451 Wait for it. 254 00:12:35,521 --> 00:12:39,321 I'll return your $1,900 alligator-skin belt... 255 00:12:39,391 --> 00:12:41,086 when you return that toy. 256 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:45,187 - Until then, you can wear this disgusting... - [Gasps] 257 00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:48,131 Black-and-brown reversible belt. 258 00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:51,993 - [Crying] - Hey. 259 00:12:52,071 --> 00:12:54,835 [Sobbing] I don't like it any more than you do. 260 00:12:54,907 --> 00:12:57,876 Ted, how would you discipline little Marvin? 261 00:12:57,943 --> 00:13:00,173 I would be firm. 262 00:13:00,246 --> 00:13:03,113 Fair, but firm. 263 00:13:03,182 --> 00:13:05,878 You, sir, just lost your television privileges. 264 00:13:07,286 --> 00:13:10,551 Okay, you can watch TV, but nothing violent. 265 00:13:12,057 --> 00:13:15,515 Okay, it can be violent, but you have to do the dishes first. 266 00:13:16,896 --> 00:13:18,989 Okay, I'll do the dishes. You watch TV. 267 00:13:19,064 --> 00:13:21,862 Hey, let's go get some ice cream! Come on! 268 00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:24,095 But no sprinkles. 269 00:13:25,371 --> 00:13:27,134 - Robin. - Okay, sprinkles. 270 00:13:28,407 --> 00:13:30,932 Um, I would do what my dad did. 271 00:13:31,010 --> 00:13:32,500 Tough love. 272 00:13:32,578 --> 00:13:34,876 You know where you're headed, chief? 273 00:13:34,947 --> 00:13:37,609 The British Columbia Military School for Boys. 274 00:13:37,683 --> 00:13:39,617 Of course, you're actually a boy... 275 00:13:39,685 --> 00:13:41,846 so at least you won't have to shave all your hair off... 276 00:13:41,921 --> 00:13:44,116 and burn your "girlie clothing" in an old oil drum... 277 00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:47,387 while your father stands there and laughs at you through the flames. 278 00:13:49,461 --> 00:13:52,123 - Oh, my God! - ♪♪ [Note Chimes] 279 00:13:53,232 --> 00:13:55,223 I think that Robin wins this round... 280 00:13:55,301 --> 00:13:59,294 because we love her, and she's in a safe space. 281 00:13:59,371 --> 00:14:00,395 Right, guys? 282 00:14:00,472 --> 00:14:02,201 - Robin matters! - Yay, totally. 283 00:14:02,274 --> 00:14:03,639 Now that's just one point, right? 284 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:07,711 - Lily. - [All] Spin that wheel! 285 00:14:10,816 --> 00:14:12,807 Oh. Oh. Oh! 286 00:14:12,885 --> 00:14:14,443 Birds and bees. 287 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:19,651 Barney, how would you teach young Marvin about the facts of life? 288 00:14:19,725 --> 00:14:21,659 Hmm. 289 00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:23,991 You're gonna love Amsterdam, little bro. 290 00:14:28,901 --> 00:14:30,732 [Both Sighing] 291 00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:32,293 Okay, Barney's out of this round. 292 00:14:32,371 --> 00:14:35,340 Ted, how would you handle the talk? 293 00:14:35,407 --> 00:14:37,967 Well, Marvin would be a young adult... 294 00:14:38,043 --> 00:14:41,240 so you wouldn't wanna talk down to him. 295 00:14:41,313 --> 00:14:45,477 But that doesn't mean you can't... get down with him. 296 00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:47,985 [High Voice, Rapping] ♪ When two adults wish to procreate ♪ 297 00:14:48,053 --> 00:14:50,521 ♪ They lay together and copulate ♪ 298 00:14:50,589 --> 00:14:53,319 ♪ Male gametes or spermatozoa ♪ 299 00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:55,622 ♪ Implant themselves in the lady's ova ♪ 300 00:14:55,694 --> 00:14:58,390 ♪ Break it down ♪♪ [Beatboxing] 301 00:14:58,464 --> 00:15:02,491 I'm sorry. Don't you need to actually have had sex in order to explain it? 302 00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:07,505 Professor Infosaurus also has a rap about ignoring bullies. 303 00:15:07,573 --> 00:15:09,837 Robin, birds and bees? 304 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:13,640 Well, yeah, I, for one, don't think you have to teach Marvin a thing. 305 00:15:13,712 --> 00:15:18,149 If he's anything like his dad, he's a natural-born stud. 306 00:15:18,217 --> 00:15:23,120 Lily got a little braggy at a cucumber stand once, big guy. [Clicks Tongue] 307 00:15:23,188 --> 00:15:25,213 - ♪♪ [Chimes] - Robin wins again. 308 00:15:25,291 --> 00:15:27,657 - Oh, come on! - What? That's clearly pandering! 309 00:15:27,726 --> 00:15:30,024 - Spin... that... - [All Shouting] 310 00:15:30,095 --> 00:15:31,460 Wheel! 311 00:15:31,530 --> 00:15:33,157 [Ted Narrating] We played long into the night... 312 00:15:33,232 --> 00:15:36,395 - eventually making it to the dreaded... - Lightning round. 313 00:15:41,407 --> 00:15:43,170 - First word. - [Tambourine Rattles] 314 00:15:43,242 --> 00:15:45,574 Beam. 315 00:15:45,644 --> 00:15:47,544 Actually, that's a joist... 316 00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:49,513 which carries the stress of the ceiling... 317 00:15:49,581 --> 00:15:51,446 versus the primary architectural load. 318 00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:54,077 - But that's my boy. - [Toy Squeaking] 319 00:15:54,153 --> 00:15:56,018 - Nerd. - [Gasps] 320 00:15:56,088 --> 00:15:57,783 That's my boy! 321 00:15:57,856 --> 00:15:59,653 - [Marshall] First heartbreak. - [Toy Rattles] 322 00:15:59,725 --> 00:16:01,818 I know this hurts, little buddy... 323 00:16:01,894 --> 00:16:03,521 but you'll love again someday. 324 00:16:03,595 --> 00:16:05,756 Because time will heal a broken heart... 325 00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,991 but not that bitch's window. 326 00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:11,659 Run! 327 00:16:13,872 --> 00:16:16,067 Yeah, right. I've seen Barney throw. 328 00:16:16,141 --> 00:16:18,439 He's no Vinnie Pestano. Am I right? 329 00:16:20,245 --> 00:16:22,179 Beloved Indians middle reliever. 330 00:16:23,182 --> 00:16:25,173 Cleveland sports are still relevant. 331 00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:28,117 LeBron who? Right, guys? 332 00:16:28,187 --> 00:16:30,052 Ted, neither you nor Cleveland... 333 00:16:30,122 --> 00:16:32,022 knows how to get over someone leaving them. 334 00:16:33,192 --> 00:16:35,092 Here's how you'd handle heartbreak. 335 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:39,062 Cheer up, squirt. There are plenty of other wonderful women out there. 336 00:16:39,131 --> 00:16:43,363 [Sobbing] But I thought that she was the one! 337 00:16:46,238 --> 00:16:48,706 I'll be at Uncle Barney's. 338 00:16:48,774 --> 00:16:50,537 This is ridiculous. 339 00:16:50,609 --> 00:16:53,737 I've known you for 16 years. I'm the obvious choice. 340 00:16:53,812 --> 00:16:55,643 Oh, come on. If Ted raises him... 341 00:16:55,714 --> 00:16:58,274 the poor kid's still gonna be a virgin when he's 13. 342 00:16:58,350 --> 00:16:59,817 I'm the obvious choice. 343 00:16:59,885 --> 00:17:01,944 Hey, look, as the only one of us packin' a vag... 344 00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:04,683 I've got a natural instinct for nurturing and crap like that. 345 00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:07,521 Plus, I could teach him how to bow hunt. Yeah, I can do that. 346 00:17:07,593 --> 00:17:09,288 - I am Barney Stinson. - Bow hunt? 347 00:17:09,361 --> 00:17:11,591 - If there is any man in the world... - That is your problem! 348 00:17:11,663 --> 00:17:14,461 Guys, guys, guys! Okay! All right! 349 00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:18,594 Obviously, none of you knows what it really means to be a parent. 350 00:17:18,670 --> 00:17:20,160 Whoa. 351 00:17:20,239 --> 00:17:23,572 Obviously, neither of you know what it means to be a friend anymore. 352 00:17:24,410 --> 00:17:25,900 What are you talking about? 353 00:17:25,978 --> 00:17:30,642 Think about it. This is the most we've seen you two in five months. 354 00:17:30,716 --> 00:17:35,415 You don't seem to care what's going on in our lives unless it's an eight or higher. 355 00:17:35,487 --> 00:17:38,354 Well, what do you expect? We have a baby now. 356 00:17:38,424 --> 00:17:41,791 Yeah. The days of closing down MacLaren's are over. 357 00:17:41,860 --> 00:17:46,297 Unless you wanna get up with us at 5:13 in the morning with a screaming baby. 358 00:17:46,365 --> 00:17:48,128 So that's it? 359 00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,327 The end of an era, just like that? 360 00:17:50,402 --> 00:17:55,533 Look, we're sorry if... if we don't have time to sit around the bar... 361 00:17:55,607 --> 00:17:57,666 listening to silly little dating problems. 362 00:17:59,044 --> 00:18:00,807 When you have a baby... 363 00:18:00,879 --> 00:18:03,507 it's not just the most important thing in your life. 364 00:18:03,582 --> 00:18:05,573 It's the only important thing. 365 00:18:05,651 --> 00:18:08,085 When are you guys gonna get that? 366 00:18:08,153 --> 00:18:10,053 I think we get it. 367 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,417 [Door Closes] 368 00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:23,197 I can't believe they just walked out. 369 00:18:23,268 --> 00:18:25,566 Yeah. Maybe it's for the best. 370 00:18:25,637 --> 00:18:27,867 Barney was starting to pull ahead. 371 00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,601 I mean, how selfish can they be? 372 00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:31,768 We're trying to raise a child here. 373 00:18:31,844 --> 00:18:35,803 I'm sorry if I don't have time to deal with Ted's, um... 374 00:18:35,881 --> 00:18:39,544 Or Robin's, um... 375 00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:43,349 Or Barney's, um... 376 00:18:43,422 --> 00:18:44,912 Huh. 377 00:18:48,660 --> 00:18:51,754 You know, we were about to name one of them Marvin's godparent... 378 00:18:51,830 --> 00:18:56,267 and I can't tell you what's going on in any of their lives. 379 00:18:57,603 --> 00:18:59,093 [Sighs] 380 00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:06,209 Do you think that maybe we've been a little crappy as friends lately? 381 00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,637 ♪♪ [Chimes] 382 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,576 Do you really know how to bow hunt? 383 00:19:13,652 --> 00:19:15,313 Um, yeah. 384 00:19:15,387 --> 00:19:19,585 At the British Columbia Military School for Boys, we called it "making lunch." 385 00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:20,852 [Lily] Hey, guys. 386 00:19:20,926 --> 00:19:23,156 We asked Mickey to watch Marvin... 387 00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:25,287 so we could come down and talk. 388 00:19:25,364 --> 00:19:27,730 I know that we didn't get to finish the game... 389 00:19:27,799 --> 00:19:30,461 but... we've reached a decision. 390 00:19:30,536 --> 00:19:31,798 Lily? 391 00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,802 We've decided... 392 00:19:36,775 --> 00:19:39,437 to revoke the "eight or higher" rule. 393 00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:41,206 [Robin, Barney, Ted] What? 394 00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:44,147 We wanna know everything that's going on with you guys. 395 00:19:44,216 --> 00:19:46,411 - Really? - You're our best friends. 396 00:19:46,485 --> 00:19:48,578 Everything is an eight or higher. 397 00:19:48,654 --> 00:19:50,679 Oh. 398 00:19:50,756 --> 00:19:53,156 [Ted Narrating] And for the first time in almost half a year... 399 00:19:53,225 --> 00:19:54,692 [Chattering, Laughing] 400 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,694 Lily and Marshall closed down MacLaren's. 401 00:19:56,762 --> 00:19:59,560 Anyway, Victoria's dad and I are working out a payment plan... 402 00:19:59,631 --> 00:20:02,998 with a very reasonable interest rate, so... 403 00:20:03,068 --> 00:20:05,434 But you... At least Nick's bike's fuel-efficient. 404 00:20:05,504 --> 00:20:08,064 We're getting, like, 30, 35 miles to the cob. 405 00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:09,767 Really? 406 00:20:09,841 --> 00:20:12,332 You know, I should've told you about that six and a half sooner. 407 00:20:12,411 --> 00:20:16,848 Barney Stinson banging anything less than an eight, that's, like, a 15! 408 00:20:16,915 --> 00:20:19,179 [Ted Narrating] And it was a great night. 409 00:20:19,251 --> 00:20:20,741 Until... 410 00:20:20,819 --> 00:20:23,219 [Marvin Crying] 411 00:20:27,492 --> 00:20:29,858 Go back to bed. We got this. 412 00:20:37,436 --> 00:20:40,735 And Lily and Marshall finally decided on a guardian. 413 00:20:40,806 --> 00:20:42,603 - You sure about this, baby? - Yes. 414 00:20:42,674 --> 00:20:46,041 No matter what happens, I want Marvin to stay in the family. 415 00:20:58,156 --> 00:21:01,057 - Oh! - Oh, God. 416 00:21:01,126 --> 00:21:02,889 Is that a bowling ball in a onesie? 417 00:21:04,162 --> 00:21:06,062 Run! 418 00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:16,500 Ripped By mstoll 32728

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