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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,034 --> 00:00:03,202 [Ted Narrating] Kids, in October 2011... 2 00:00:03,203 --> 00:00:05,537 your Aunt Robin was in therapy. 3 00:00:05,538 --> 00:00:08,274 And against all logic, it was actually going well. 4 00:00:08,275 --> 00:00:12,511 But why? Why am I constantly looking for reasons not to be happy? 5 00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:17,216 Maybe because the idea of finally being happy terrifies you. 6 00:00:17,217 --> 00:00:20,380 Bro, you are killin' it today. 7 00:00:21,388 --> 00:00:22,788 - Pssh! - Pssh! 8 00:00:22,789 --> 00:00:24,523 We got something good here. 9 00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:27,026 We are totes gonna conquer my fear of abandonment. 10 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:29,527 I can't see you anymore. 11 00:00:30,096 --> 00:00:33,456 Nice. "Oh, no! You're abandoning me!" 12 00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:35,768 Oh, no. You're abandoning me? 13 00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:38,829 I'm sorry. I'm moving to Alaska. 14 00:00:38,905 --> 00:00:42,207 [Ted Narrating] And that might have been the end of it. 15 00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:43,375 But a week later- 16 00:00:43,376 --> 00:00:45,311 Hmm. Kevin? 17 00:00:45,312 --> 00:00:47,713 [Scoffs] What are you doing here? 18 00:00:47,714 --> 00:00:51,750 Okay, look. I lied to you about moving to Alaska. 19 00:00:51,751 --> 00:00:54,086 I- I had to stop seeing you. 20 00:00:54,087 --> 00:00:56,088 Why? 21 00:00:56,089 --> 00:00:57,856 Because I think you're cute... 22 00:00:57,857 --> 00:01:01,427 and, ethically, I can't be your therapist if I'm attracted to you. 23 00:01:01,428 --> 00:01:05,631 Oh, I get it. You dumped me as a patient just so you can ask me out? 24 00:01:05,632 --> 00:01:08,133 - I'm not gonna ask you out. - You're not? 25 00:01:08,134 --> 00:01:09,702 No. 26 00:01:09,703 --> 00:01:14,473 We met in therapy. It's inappropriate for me to date a patient. 27 00:01:14,474 --> 00:01:17,304 Anyway, it was nice seeing you. 28 00:01:18,545 --> 00:01:22,106 Wait. How do you define "date"? 29 00:01:23,350 --> 00:01:25,551 Two people having a meal together... 30 00:01:25,552 --> 00:01:27,853 sitting across the table, making googly eyes at each other. 31 00:01:27,854 --> 00:01:30,589 What about two people eating alone... 32 00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:35,260 sitting side by side, making googly eyes at the coffee maker? 33 00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:37,786 Okay. It's not a date. 34 00:01:37,864 --> 00:01:40,132 Exactly. Not a date. [Chuckles] 35 00:01:40,133 --> 00:01:42,801 [Ted Narrating] And so Robin and Kevin had breakfast alone... 36 00:01:42,802 --> 00:01:45,137 side by side... 37 00:01:45,138 --> 00:01:47,638 every day that week. 38 00:01:48,008 --> 00:01:49,575 Until finally- 39 00:01:49,576 --> 00:01:52,276 [Man] # Did you ever think# 40 00:01:52,345 --> 00:01:55,047 # About the roads we traveled far ## 41 00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:56,949 Ah! Hey. Sorry. 42 00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:59,351 No cabs. Ran 40 blocks all the way here. 43 00:01:59,352 --> 00:02:02,321 May have knocked an old lady into the street. Don't know. I didn't look back. 44 00:02:02,322 --> 00:02:05,057 - Let's just go on a real date. - That might be a good idea. 45 00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:07,558 Finally! 46 00:02:08,328 --> 00:02:10,828 ## [Upbeat Pop] 47 00:02:12,399 --> 00:02:14,899 ## [Man Vocalizing] 48 00:02:19,506 --> 00:02:21,340 ## [Ends] 49 00:02:21,341 --> 00:02:24,176 Oh, I can't wait to see that movie! Is it good? 50 00:02:24,177 --> 00:02:25,978 Awesome. Wait! Totally hypothetically... 51 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,946 do you like movies with a shocking twist... 52 00:02:27,947 --> 00:02:29,581 where all the main characters die at the end? 53 00:02:29,582 --> 00:02:31,984 - Yes! - You will love this movie! 54 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,486 - Hey, guys. - Hey, Marsh. What's up? 55 00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:38,557 I'll tell you what's up. You know how my boss, Garrison Cootes... 56 00:02:38,558 --> 00:02:41,226 is like the most famous environmental lawyer in the world? 57 00:02:41,227 --> 00:02:43,923 [All] Yeah. 58 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:46,198 I mean, it's him or the other guy. 59 00:02:46,199 --> 00:02:49,862 - Sir Anthony Howel. - [All] Yeah. 60 00:02:49,936 --> 00:02:51,804 Anyway, he's an important guy, okay? 61 00:02:51,805 --> 00:02:55,741 So today at work, I was trying to show him that I'm tough. 62 00:02:55,742 --> 00:02:58,510 I've been thinking about this settlement offer... 63 00:02:58,511 --> 00:03:00,879 we're about to get from Gruber Pharmaceuticals. 64 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:03,315 If it's anything less than $20 million... 65 00:03:03,316 --> 00:03:06,685 then I'm gonna grab those corporate Earth rapists by their- 66 00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:08,520 Okay, I'm just gonna say something. 67 00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:10,389 I'm growing a child in my belly... 68 00:03:10,390 --> 00:03:12,858 a child that just developed ears. 69 00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:14,960 This is a very thin sweater. 70 00:03:14,961 --> 00:03:18,564 So please, if you must tell your story, just make it cheerful. 71 00:03:18,565 --> 00:03:20,899 Cheerful. 72 00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:22,367 Okay. 73 00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:24,036 Then I'm gonna grab those corporate- 74 00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:25,471 Employees. 75 00:03:25,472 --> 00:03:27,406 by their sweaty, dangling- 76 00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:28,540 Hands. 77 00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:31,243 and squeeze until those greedy sons of- 78 00:03:31,244 --> 00:03:33,412 - Parents. - realize that I'm the baddest mother- 79 00:03:33,413 --> 00:03:36,314 Nature lover around. 80 00:03:36,382 --> 00:03:39,151 It's like watching The Breakfast Club on TBS. 81 00:03:39,152 --> 00:03:41,086 So what did he say? 82 00:03:41,087 --> 00:03:45,124 Marshall, bend down so I can put my arm around you. 83 00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:47,860 That's- All the way down. That's good. 84 00:03:47,861 --> 00:03:51,930 Gruber Pharmaceuticals is a company full of well-meaning people doing their jobs... 85 00:03:51,931 --> 00:03:53,899 just like you and me. 86 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,668 Guys, l-I'm afraid that Garrison Cootes has gone soft! 87 00:03:56,669 --> 00:03:58,637 He's like a teddy bear! 88 00:03:58,638 --> 00:04:01,198 A teddy bear or an Ewok? 89 00:04:01,274 --> 00:04:03,475 You know, cute and cuddly around the village... 90 00:04:03,476 --> 00:04:05,277 but once the battle starts- 91 00:04:05,278 --> 00:04:08,680 He'll smash in your metal skull with giant swinging logs! 92 00:04:08,681 --> 00:04:09,748 Marshall! 93 00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:11,550 Okay, he'll hug you until you agree... 94 00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:13,485 to peaceably shut down the Death Star. 95 00:04:13,486 --> 00:04:16,182 - Hey, sweetie. - Hey! Mmm. 96 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,624 - What are we all talking about? - Ewoks. 97 00:04:18,625 --> 00:04:20,259 Ugh. I hate the Ewoks. 98 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,227 The only good thing about Ewoks in that movie? 99 00:04:22,228 --> 00:04:24,796 You got to see some of them die. 100 00:04:24,797 --> 00:04:27,297 Well, I fancy a pint. 101 00:04:27,967 --> 00:04:31,537 Nora hates Ewoks. Well, I have to break up with her. 102 00:04:31,538 --> 00:04:33,505 Be gentle when you tell her, guys. 103 00:04:33,506 --> 00:04:36,208 I'll call you from Vegas. Tell me how it went, okay? 104 00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:38,143 Okay, Barney. Sit down. 105 00:04:38,144 --> 00:04:42,181 Not liking Ewoks is no reason not to date somebody. 106 00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:45,050 Yeah! I mean, who knows what the rules are, ya know? 107 00:04:45,051 --> 00:04:47,653 I mean, you're dating a girl who doesn't like Ewoks. 108 00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:50,322 - I'm dating my former therapist. - Ohh! 109 00:04:50,323 --> 00:04:53,225 - [Affected Accent] We are gentlemen of Harvard! - It's not a big deal. 110 00:04:53,226 --> 00:04:55,060 Robin, if you asked a hundred people... 111 00:04:55,061 --> 00:04:56,929 who's the worst person you could possibly date... 112 00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:58,830 they'd all say, "Your therapist." 113 00:04:58,831 --> 00:05:01,233 - Except the ones saying "Barney." - Hey! 114 00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:02,968 Yeah, that tracks. 115 00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:06,572 Well, I should get going. I got the big field trip tomorrow. 116 00:05:06,573 --> 00:05:07,873 - Field trip? - Yeah. 117 00:05:07,874 --> 00:05:09,541 I'm taking my lntro to Architecture class... 118 00:05:09,542 --> 00:05:11,610 to the GNB Tower construction site. 119 00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:14,179 I'm trying to get them interested in architecture as a career. 120 00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:16,048 Why? Are we running out of buildings? 121 00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:17,583 Are we running out of boring people? 122 00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:19,818 You guys, this is a big deal, okay? 123 00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:22,554 If I can get just one kid interested in becoming an architect- 124 00:05:22,555 --> 00:05:24,756 Okay, I'm just gonna stop you right there. 125 00:05:24,757 --> 00:05:27,192 Ted, it's an intro class. 126 00:05:27,193 --> 00:05:30,095 Yeah. Don't try to Stand and Deliver an intro class. 127 00:05:30,096 --> 00:05:33,198 Nobody takes an intro class to get on any other path... 128 00:05:33,199 --> 00:05:35,801 but the path to not being hungover anymore. 129 00:05:35,802 --> 00:05:39,938 I learned that in my lntro to Something-ology class. 130 00:05:39,939 --> 00:05:42,241 Well, that's fine for something-ology... 131 00:05:42,242 --> 00:05:44,743 but tomorrow at 9:00 a. m. sharp... 132 00:05:44,744 --> 00:05:47,613 Intro to Architecture is going on a field trip. 133 00:05:47,614 --> 00:05:49,181 All 200 of 'em. 134 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,782 Well, it's 9:45. 135 00:05:50,783 --> 00:05:54,253 I guess the other 170 of you got lost, so we'll just start. 136 00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:59,224 Now, some might say you guys are just taking this class because it's easy... 137 00:05:59,225 --> 00:06:02,094 or because you've confused architecture with archaeology... 138 00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:04,830 and think we're gonna do some cool lndiana Jones stuff today. 139 00:06:04,831 --> 00:06:07,331 But I think that- 140 00:06:08,968 --> 00:06:11,436 I think, just maybe... 141 00:06:11,437 --> 00:06:13,438 we got some future architects in the house. 142 00:06:13,439 --> 00:06:18,999 Show of hands. Who's thinking about a career in architecture? 143 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,048 Well, today all that's gonna change. 144 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,549 Follow me. 145 00:06:26,653 --> 00:06:28,253 Hi. 146 00:06:28,254 --> 00:06:30,088 Sorry. Nobody gets in here without a site pass. 147 00:06:30,089 --> 00:06:33,659 Uh, it's okay. I'm Ted Mosby, the architect of this building. 148 00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:36,094 I don't care if you're the archaeologist of this building. 149 00:06:36,095 --> 00:06:38,595 Site's closed. 150 00:06:42,769 --> 00:06:45,269 Moving on! 151 00:06:46,172 --> 00:06:48,006 [Ted Narrating] That morning, Marshall's firm... 152 00:06:48,007 --> 00:06:50,642 was getting the settlement offer from Gruber Pharmaceuticals... 153 00:06:50,643 --> 00:06:54,379 and Marshall couldn't wait to see the teddy bear turn into an Ewok. 154 00:06:54,380 --> 00:06:58,517 Gruber Pharmaceuticals dumped toxic waste into Frog Creek... 155 00:06:58,518 --> 00:07:01,620 a tributary of the Trout River that feeds into Clearwater Lake- 156 00:07:01,621 --> 00:07:05,111 all three of which now need new names. 157 00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:10,126 So, it's time to win one for Mother Earth. 158 00:07:10,196 --> 00:07:13,165 - Let's take out the trash, shall we? - Yes! 159 00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:14,900 All right. Everyone grab a bag. 160 00:07:14,901 --> 00:07:19,111 Blue's recycling. Green- compost. There we go. 161 00:07:20,239 --> 00:07:23,809 Sheila, we're ready to hear your offer. 162 00:07:33,252 --> 00:07:36,119 $24,000? 163 00:07:41,928 --> 00:07:44,428 Yeah, that seems reasonable. 164 00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:50,102 [Ted Narrating] Kids, I was wandering the city... 165 00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:52,070 with 25 lntro to Architecture students... 166 00:07:52,071 --> 00:07:54,072 when your Uncle Barney came to my rescue. 167 00:07:54,073 --> 00:07:57,609 Okay, guys. Seeing a building get built- not that exciting. 168 00:07:57,610 --> 00:08:00,345 What's really exciting is the financial side of- 169 00:08:00,346 --> 00:08:05,083 Sit down, Ted. I got this. Hey, weird beard. Lights! 170 00:08:05,084 --> 00:08:07,319 College. It's a confusing time. 171 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,620 Oh, no. 172 00:08:08,621 --> 00:08:12,858 Studies show that 83% of all college students... 173 00:08:12,859 --> 00:08:14,693 desperately need... 174 00:08:14,694 --> 00:08:16,161 [Echoing] sex lessons! 175 00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:18,096 Lights! 176 00:08:18,097 --> 00:08:20,232 Barney, these are 18-year-olds! 177 00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:23,464 Ted, these are 18-year-olds! 178 00:08:23,536 --> 00:08:25,871 You have a girlfriend. 179 00:08:25,872 --> 00:08:27,506 But she doesn't like Ewoks! 180 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,408 - So what? - So what? 181 00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:32,037 Bieber, lights! 182 00:08:33,112 --> 00:08:34,780 In 1983... 183 00:08:34,781 --> 00:08:37,716 George Lucas introduced the world to the Ewoks... 184 00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:41,887 a race of creatures indigenous to the second moon of Endor. 185 00:08:41,888 --> 00:08:45,323 Now, the Ewoks have a rich backstory that the movie didn't really go into- 186 00:08:45,324 --> 00:08:48,026 Barney, why don't you just skip to the part about you and Nora? 187 00:08:48,027 --> 00:08:50,527 [Sighs] Fine. 188 00:08:59,338 --> 00:09:00,772 Ah, yes. 189 00:09:00,773 --> 00:09:04,910 Ultimately, Ewoks split Star Wars fandom into two camps: 190 00:09:04,911 --> 00:09:09,981 those born before, and those born after, May 25, 1973- 191 00:09:09,982 --> 00:09:13,145 the Ewok Line. 192 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:16,054 - Anyone born on this side of the Ewok Line- - [Bell Dings] 193 00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:18,890 was at least 10 years old when Jedi came out... 194 00:09:18,891 --> 00:09:22,994 and thus too old for something so cloying and cute. 195 00:09:22,995 --> 00:09:27,694 Anyone born on this side loved the Ewoks... 196 00:09:27,767 --> 00:09:30,267 because why? 197 00:09:31,003 --> 00:09:32,904 They reminded you of- 198 00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:37,442 - Our teddies? - They reminded you of your teddies. 199 00:09:37,443 --> 00:09:40,145 - Thank you, Gina. - How do you know her name? 200 00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:44,449 And so, by the immutable laws of the Ewok Line... 201 00:09:44,450 --> 00:09:49,114 my "29-year-old" "girlfriend" who hates Ewoks... 202 00:09:49,188 --> 00:09:54,558 must, in fact, be no younger than 37. 203 00:09:54,627 --> 00:09:57,128 That's only a year younger than Will's mom. 204 00:09:57,129 --> 00:09:59,364 - How do you know my mom? - Class dismissed! 205 00:09:59,365 --> 00:10:01,032 I need to be alone. 206 00:10:01,033 --> 00:10:03,735 - All right. We're moving on. - Oh, can I come? 207 00:10:03,736 --> 00:10:05,871 - [Rings] - Hey, baby. 208 00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:09,207 Hey! I just want to remind you we have Dr. Sonya at 4:00. 209 00:10:09,208 --> 00:10:11,009 I'll be there. I'm sorry. 210 00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:14,446 I'm just- I'm bummed. We got our settlement offer today. 211 00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:17,849 $24,000 from a billion-dollar company. 212 00:10:17,850 --> 00:10:20,385 Wow. I take it people aren't happy about that. 213 00:10:20,386 --> 00:10:23,288 We won! Champagne and cake for everybody! 214 00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:26,124 They're celebrating. I mean, it's crazy. 215 00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:27,893 We have no right to be eating cake! 216 00:10:27,894 --> 00:10:30,562 There's cake? I'm on my way! 217 00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:33,965 [Ted Narrating] Meanwhile, the worst field trip of all time was still truckin '. 218 00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:36,902 All right. This- This is exciting, okay? 219 00:10:36,903 --> 00:10:40,906 This is the very room where I had the idea for the GNB Tower. 220 00:10:40,907 --> 00:10:44,175 Now, Webster's defines "inspiration" as- 221 00:10:44,176 --> 00:10:46,244 Ah, hold on. It's still loading. 222 00:10:46,245 --> 00:10:47,812 Uh, hey, roomie. 223 00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:50,048 Robin! Hey! What are- What are you doing here? 224 00:10:50,049 --> 00:10:52,717 Well, I was about to get my swerve on. 225 00:10:52,718 --> 00:10:54,519 You were? 226 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:57,683 So you're the therapist. 227 00:10:57,757 --> 00:11:00,926 You know, it's one thing to pretend to be a shrink and bang your patients. 228 00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:02,494 That's normal. 229 00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:05,830 But to do it for real? Little creepy, bro. 230 00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:07,532 Okay, it's not creepy! 231 00:11:07,533 --> 00:11:10,366 [Together] Ehh, it's creepy. 232 00:11:10,436 --> 00:11:14,239 Class, show of hands. Who thinks it's creepy to date your therapist? 233 00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:15,840 - Pollstered. - Get out! 234 00:11:15,841 --> 00:11:18,009 All right! We're moving on! 235 00:11:18,010 --> 00:11:21,513 So, class, to your left you will see some excellent examples... 236 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:25,507 of what we call windows. 237 00:11:26,986 --> 00:11:29,754 - So where are we going now? - I have no idea. This is a disaster. 238 00:11:29,755 --> 00:11:32,057 Some of them have already started to go home. 239 00:11:32,058 --> 00:11:34,759 Although, we seem to have picked up a German family. 240 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:37,524 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 241 00:11:37,597 --> 00:11:40,298 That thing with Robin and her creepy therapist gave me an idea. 242 00:11:40,299 --> 00:11:45,070 Ted, we have here a way to solve every single debate we've ever had. 243 00:11:45,071 --> 00:11:47,038 I mean, just look at this sample- 244 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:50,041 guys, girls, blacks, Asians, a German family. 245 00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:52,611 You can't pay for that kind of focus group! 246 00:11:52,612 --> 00:11:55,313 Is macaroni salad really a salad? 247 00:11:55,314 --> 00:11:57,749 Hands up if you say no. 248 00:11:57,750 --> 00:11:59,017 Ha! 249 00:11:59,018 --> 00:12:00,785 Jacob or Edward? Who says Edward? 250 00:12:00,786 --> 00:12:05,223 [Laughs] See? Told you. It's Edward James Olmos. 251 00:12:05,224 --> 00:12:09,461 Would you rather have sex with a dead human being... 252 00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:11,229 or a live an- 253 00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:13,431 - Dude! Find the line. - What? 254 00:12:13,432 --> 00:12:16,568 Who thinks David Hasselhoff is awesome? 255 00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,536 Hmm. It's true. 256 00:12:18,537 --> 00:12:20,305 Okay. I've got one. 257 00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:23,508 If you're dating a girl and she lies about her age, who says break up with her? 258 00:12:23,509 --> 00:12:26,044 Yes, yes. But what if the person she's lying to... 259 00:12:26,045 --> 00:12:28,985 is notoriously shallow about age? 260 00:12:29,015 --> 00:12:30,782 But what if early in our relationship... 261 00:12:30,783 --> 00:12:33,985 she made a really big deal about wanting to not lie to each other? 262 00:12:33,986 --> 00:12:36,021 What if she's hot? 263 00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:38,089 Who wants five bucks? 264 00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:40,425 Pollstered! 265 00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:43,088 Let's do this. [Chuckling] 266 00:12:43,162 --> 00:12:45,630 [Clears Throat] 267 00:12:45,631 --> 00:12:49,431 Oh? Yeah? [Laughing] Hmm. 268 00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:52,704 - Okay, this is creepy. - It's Crispin Glover creepy. 269 00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:55,440 You were my patient. You shared intimate stuff. 270 00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,976 It'd be like dating your gynecologist. 271 00:12:57,977 --> 00:12:59,878 You were vulnerable. 272 00:12:59,879 --> 00:13:02,614 That's not something we can move past. 273 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,115 I guess not. 274 00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:08,053 So, dating your gyno- that's bad too? 275 00:13:08,054 --> 00:13:10,784 - Oh, Robin. - Kidding! 276 00:13:10,856 --> 00:13:14,626 - Look! We've got another one! - ## [Pop] 277 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,862 - Come on. Have a bite. - No! It's a matter of principle. 278 00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:21,032 I don't care how good it is. I'm not gonna have a third piece of cake! 279 00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:22,300 [Party Horn Toots] 280 00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:24,936 Okay, guys, we've all had a lot of fun today... 281 00:13:24,937 --> 00:13:28,173 but now it's time... to have even more fun! 282 00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:30,375 Another cake! 283 00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:33,912 Another cake? What is the matter with you people? 284 00:13:33,913 --> 00:13:38,123 That settlement today was a flaming pile of... 285 00:13:38,384 --> 00:13:40,251 puppies. 286 00:13:40,252 --> 00:13:42,053 That aren't on fire! 287 00:13:42,054 --> 00:13:46,491 Look at what's happening to the environment, and we're here doing the limbo? 288 00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:50,061 I mean, we should be ashamed of ourselves. 289 00:13:50,062 --> 00:13:52,562 ## [Pop] 290 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,335 [Door Closes] 291 00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:59,964 Sir, all I meant was- 292 00:14:00,039 --> 00:14:02,906 Ten years from right now... 293 00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:05,577 everyone outside in that bull pen will be dead. 294 00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:07,145 What? 295 00:14:07,146 --> 00:14:08,880 I've seen the latest research, Marsh. 296 00:14:08,881 --> 00:14:12,584 You know how I'm always saying it's not too late to save the planet? 297 00:14:12,585 --> 00:14:15,675 It's too late to save the planet. 298 00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:18,123 There's nothing to do but sit back... 299 00:14:18,124 --> 00:14:21,389 and await our inevitable doom. 300 00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:22,861 [Horn Toots] 301 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,529 Oh, my goodness! A piñata! 302 00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:27,398 Just give me one minute, Larry. Thank you. 303 00:14:27,399 --> 00:14:30,562 Our grotesque, inevitable doom! 304 00:14:32,304 --> 00:14:34,773 Now, of course, you can't go around telling all the people... 305 00:14:34,774 --> 00:14:37,876 that the good ship Environmentalism has sailed off into the sunset. 306 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,611 That would cause a panic. 307 00:14:39,612 --> 00:14:44,349 So, instead, what we do is we come to work, we put on a happy face... 308 00:14:44,350 --> 00:14:48,653 and we sue the big guys for just enough money for some cake... 309 00:14:48,654 --> 00:14:51,489 before the unfiltered rays of the sun... 310 00:14:51,490 --> 00:14:53,658 fry us like chalupas... 311 00:14:53,659 --> 00:14:56,294 and our lungs fill up with salt water... 312 00:14:56,295 --> 00:14:58,463 and we all die! 313 00:14:58,464 --> 00:15:05,334 - ## [Singing, lndistinct] - Mmm. This cake is delicious. Everything's fine. 314 00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:07,272 This day sucks. 315 00:15:07,273 --> 00:15:09,140 Kevin and I are kaputski. 316 00:15:09,141 --> 00:15:11,142 You think that's bad? 317 00:15:11,143 --> 00:15:13,077 The world is coming to an end. 318 00:15:13,078 --> 00:15:15,380 You think that's bad? 319 00:15:15,381 --> 00:15:19,112 My girlfriend is 37. 320 00:15:19,185 --> 00:15:24,125 And my field trip is not going as well as I'd hoped. 321 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:26,524 This day sucks. 322 00:15:26,525 --> 00:15:29,127 Professor Mosby, is the field trip over? 323 00:15:29,128 --> 00:15:30,862 We'd like to go home. 324 00:15:30,863 --> 00:15:33,889 Yeah, it's over. Auf Wiedersehen. 325 00:15:35,568 --> 00:15:37,635 I just wanted to inspire them, you know... 326 00:15:37,636 --> 00:15:39,938 Iike my professors inspired me. 327 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:43,141 But here we are, at the end of the day- 328 00:15:43,142 --> 00:15:44,676 Hey, class, quick question. 329 00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:49,127 Is anyone here thinking of becoming an architect? 330 00:15:49,215 --> 00:15:51,715 [Clicks Tongue] 331 00:15:53,752 --> 00:15:56,252 - Really? - Yeah, dude. 332 00:15:56,288 --> 00:16:00,158 I mean, all jobs suck, but it's 4:00 in the afternoon... 333 00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:02,260 and you're out at a bar with your friends... 334 00:16:02,261 --> 00:16:04,762 so the hours can't be that bad. 335 00:16:04,763 --> 00:16:08,833 So, yeah. I don't know. I'd think about it. 336 00:16:08,834 --> 00:16:12,070 [Voice Quavering] I got through to you! 337 00:16:12,071 --> 00:16:15,740 I mean, that is if becoming a deejay doesn't pan out. 338 00:16:15,741 --> 00:16:19,006 You are gonna be a great architect. 339 00:16:19,078 --> 00:16:22,468 [Ted Narrating] He became a deejay. 340 00:16:23,682 --> 00:16:26,851 Robin, what are you doing here? I told you I can't be your therapist. 341 00:16:26,852 --> 00:16:30,889 - I know. Today, I am your therapist. - What? 342 00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:33,892 You said yourself I'm always looking for reasons not to be happy. 343 00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:36,361 Well, I'm trying to change that. 344 00:16:36,362 --> 00:16:38,663 So, if the only reason we can't be together... 345 00:16:38,664 --> 00:16:42,066 is because I was in a vulnerable place for the first two hours we knew each other... 346 00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:46,777 then that is two hours of vulnerability you owe me. 347 00:16:47,273 --> 00:16:49,773 - Sit down. - Okay. 348 00:16:50,576 --> 00:16:52,343 Okay, but I must warn you... 349 00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:54,913 as a professional, I'm immune to- 350 00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:57,916 - Tell me about your mother. - Everything she says is a manipulation! 351 00:16:57,917 --> 00:16:59,350 When I was- 352 00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:01,911 - Mr. Cootes? - Hey. 353 00:17:01,987 --> 00:17:04,455 Listen, I've been thinking a lot about what you said yesterday... 354 00:17:04,456 --> 00:17:06,190 about how we're all gonna die. 355 00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:08,626 Oh, I'm not gonna die. 356 00:17:08,627 --> 00:17:10,695 I bought an old mine shaft in Colorado. 357 00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:14,332 I've spent the last six months filling it with canned goods, assault rifles... 358 00:17:14,333 --> 00:17:16,868 and all five seasons of Friday Night Lights. 359 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,704 Okay, first of all, you can skip season two. 360 00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:23,334 Second of all, after our talk... 361 00:17:23,409 --> 00:17:26,744 I came pretty close to giving up myself. 362 00:17:26,745 --> 00:17:30,248 But then I went to the doctor with my wife... 363 00:17:30,249 --> 00:17:33,582 and I saw this. 364 00:17:37,623 --> 00:17:40,123 Boy or girl? 365 00:17:40,125 --> 00:17:41,759 I don't know... 366 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:44,228 but I know I sure as hell can't give up now. 367 00:17:44,229 --> 00:17:49,634 So if you're just looking for someone to hold the other end of the limbo stick... 368 00:17:49,635 --> 00:17:52,136 you got the wrong guy for the job, and you know why? 369 00:17:52,137 --> 00:17:55,840 'Cause you're three feet taller than everyone in this office? 370 00:17:55,841 --> 00:17:58,109 No, because if I am gonna work here... 371 00:17:58,110 --> 00:17:59,844 then first thing tomorrow morning... 372 00:17:59,845 --> 00:18:03,748 I'm walking down to Gruber Pharmaceuticals and I'm rejecting their offer. 373 00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:06,679 Even if I have to do it myself. 374 00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:12,557 Listen, I want you to know... I know. 375 00:18:12,624 --> 00:18:14,225 Know what? 376 00:18:14,226 --> 00:18:16,694 - Nora. - Barney. 377 00:18:16,695 --> 00:18:19,097 - Nora. - Just say what you're gonna say! 378 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,332 I know you're old! 379 00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:25,670 And I've been struggling with it, but, when I look at you... 380 00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:29,107 I don't care because I really like you. 381 00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:33,408 And because for 37, you are keeping it "toit"! 382 00:18:33,479 --> 00:18:35,847 You think I'm 37? 383 00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,515 Well, if you were really 29... 384 00:18:37,516 --> 00:18:40,284 then you would have been a little kid the first time you saw the Ewoks... 385 00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:41,853 and you would have loved 'em. 386 00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:44,956 Barney, I didn't see any of the Star Wars movies until last year. 387 00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:47,457 You- 388 00:18:47,893 --> 00:18:50,393 You're 29! 389 00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:53,464 - You still have one good year left! - What? 390 00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:56,628 Nothing. Mmm! Mmm! Mmm. 391 00:18:56,702 --> 00:19:00,004 But Naveen's the neurosurgeon, so of course he gets all the attention! 392 00:19:00,005 --> 00:19:04,542 Oh, Naveen is so smart. He operates on people's brains! 393 00:19:04,543 --> 00:19:09,446 Well, guess what, Mom? I treat the human mind! 394 00:19:09,515 --> 00:19:11,516 Our time is up. 395 00:19:11,517 --> 00:19:12,884 [Exhales] 396 00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:14,585 I don't think this is gonna work. 397 00:19:14,586 --> 00:19:16,320 I scared you off, didn't l? 398 00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:19,857 No. I mean I don't think I can be your therapist. 399 00:19:19,858 --> 00:19:22,358 You're really cute. 400 00:19:24,096 --> 00:19:27,665 [Ted Narrating] The next day, Marshall returned to Gruber Pharmaceuticals alone. 401 00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:30,701 I mean, you admit that you polluted the lake. 402 00:19:30,702 --> 00:19:35,252 We got the evidence, we got the charts, the fish. 403 00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:39,811 Fish, huh? 404 00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:41,512 Fish are weird. 405 00:19:41,513 --> 00:19:44,315 You ever think about the names of fish? 406 00:19:44,316 --> 00:19:46,816 I mean, come on. Carp? 407 00:19:47,719 --> 00:19:49,854 Garrison, what a nice surprise. 408 00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:52,290 Your star apprentice was just, uh- 409 00:19:52,291 --> 00:19:54,025 Floundering. 410 00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:57,189 Little fish humor for you guys. 411 00:19:57,262 --> 00:19:59,130 It was not going well. 412 00:19:59,131 --> 00:20:01,399 I'm here to turn down the 24,000. 413 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:05,269 [Scoffs] Well, I can maybe get you 24.5. 414 00:20:05,270 --> 00:20:10,572 Not... good... enough. 415 00:20:14,980 --> 00:20:17,480 Where are we going? 416 00:20:17,516 --> 00:20:19,984 To war, son. 417 00:20:19,985 --> 00:20:22,485 We're going to war. 418 00:20:24,823 --> 00:20:26,791 We're gonna save the planet. 419 00:20:26,792 --> 00:20:31,662 [Ted Narrating] And kids, as we now know, they did. 420 00:20:34,099 --> 00:20:35,900 Hey, you know what was on last night? 421 00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:38,503 - Stand and Deliver. So good. - Mm-hmm. 422 00:20:38,504 --> 00:20:41,139 Whatever happened to Jacob James Olmos? 423 00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:43,174 Who? 424 00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:45,243 Jacob James Olmos. Whatever happened to that guy? 425 00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:48,179 He never existed. It's Edward James Olmos. 426 00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:52,250 You're "Olmos" correct. It's Jacob James Olmos. 427 00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:54,418 - It's Edward James Olmos. - Jacob James Olmos. 428 00:20:54,419 --> 00:20:56,621 - Edward James Olmos. - You're joking, right? 429 00:20:56,622 --> 00:21:01,602 - Are you serious? Seriously? - It's Jacob James Olmos. 31369

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