All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.in.Philadelphia.S04E10.Sweet.Dee.Has.a.Heart.Attack.480p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BTN

[Lighter Clicks]
[Water Bubbling]

[Coughing]

[Lighter Clicks]
[Inhaling Deeply]

What the shit is this?

Cheech over here
bought himself a bong.

[Laughs, Coughs]
Deandra, this is wacky.

Go download me a hoagie
off the Internet.

[Dennis Laughing]
I'm sorry?

Those words don't
make any sen... sense.

Oh! God, you guys.
Oh, weird. I feel weird.

Rip another one.
Say something else
stupid.

My arm's kinda numb.
Dennis, feel my head.
Am I hot?

I'm not touching you.
We're enjoying ourselves
over here.

I'm serious, you guys.
Something's not right.

- You think there's
pigeons in the bar?
- [Mac] What?

- Pigeons in the bar.
- I mean, really serious.
I need some help.

[Frank Laughing]
[Mac]
Good one.

God, what is her problem?
I don't know.

- [Mac] So, heart attack.
- Yeah. Yikes.

That's what I was trying to say.

The E.M.T. says
I'm a ticking time bomb,
'cause it was just a little one.

I didn't know women
could have heart attacks.
It's crazy.

What's scary about
this whole thing is that
I have the same genes as her.

I'm concerned for myself
and Charlie as well.

We lead a very
rock-and-roll lifestyle.
I know.

I just had a heart attack.
Can we focus on me
for two minutes?

I feel like we did
talk about you.
Dee, your ship has sailed.

It's time to move on to us...
the people who are
going to live on.

Guys, we gotta make sure
that this does not
happen to us.

That's the important thing here.
We need to focus on ourselves.
[Woman] Ms. Reynolds?

Doctor, thank God.
Listen, let's just do
all the tests you've got.

I feel like the big one's
right around the corner.

Well, actually, Miss Reynolds,

first we need to discuss
how you'll be paying
for your stay.

Paying?
This is a hospital.

- Yeah. Since when do you pay
to stay in a hospital?
- Since always.

No. I believe
that is what taxes
are for.

You don't pay a fireman
to put out a fire.
Or a cop to shoot a guy.

How do you not know how
this works? You've been
in a hospital before.

I guess I must've
slipped through the cracks.

I do always give a fake name,
'cause I like to stay
off the grid.

They usually give me
a bunch of antibiotics.

The sores go away,
and I walk out.

Shut up! Doctor,
I have health insurance.

Yeah. We're on
our father's policy.

You guys! Check out
this cool gown.

Whoa. Really
lets your ass breathe.

- Oh, my God!
- Son of a bitch!
- Why are you wearing that thing?

I'm gettin' a full body scan.
I've been partying
real hard lately.

Whatever. She needs to see
the insurance card.

I canceled that shit
when you were nine.

What, you canceled
our insurance policy?
What?

What, am I gonna carry
that burden around?

You couldn't have given us
a heads-up about that
a long time ago?

Okay. Let me
get this straight.

Miss Reynolds, you have
no health insurance.

No, I don't.

Okay.

Well, get out.

- [Both Exhale]
- Wow. Harsh.

Why is the government
not providing us
with health insurance?

What is this,
like, some kind
of socialist country...

or some kind of
communist dictatorship?

This is insane.
This is un-American.
I don't know, bro.

You don't pay
for health insurance.
That's crazy.

We need to find insurance ASAP.
We're gonna get sick
eventually.

We just find
a couple of side jobs.
That way, we'll have insurance.

And when disaster inevitably
occurs, we'll be covered.
We'll be covered.

Okay, here we go.
"Position available.
Major sales corporation.

Motivated individuals.
Good interpersonal skills."

You don't have
to say any more.
That's us.

"Salary and benefits."

Yo!
[Mac]
Jesus.

Hey.
Why are you still
wearing that thing?

Did you wear that
all the way here?
I let my ass breathe.

You keep saying that,
but I don't know
what it means.

Yeah. How does
an ass breathe?
Explain that to me.

Just leave me alone!
I can't get worked up.

My doctor told me
not to get worked up.

I'm under too much stress.

Yeah.
That's a lot
of pills, dude.

That's the beauty
of havin' insurance.

You can get
the top-quality
antianxiety drugs.

Wow. You got
a lot of 'em, huh?

Mmm.
What are you doin'?

I'm takin' them
because I can't
sift through the duds.

I gotta take 'em all.
I gotta get healthy
really fast.

You're takin' them
all at once?
Yeah.

I don't think
that's a good idea.
It seems a bit aggressive.

I know what I'm doin'!

♪♪ [Background: Techno]
[Dennis] This is great, Dee.
This is perfect.

Getting in shape is, like,
the best health insurance
you can get.

You take care of your body,
you don't need a doctor.
I want that.

That's exactly right.
You look good,
you feel good.

It's all connected.
You're talking about
the mind-body-abs connection.

I would personally
like to get some
side abs goin'.

You wanna get
some side abs?
That's a good idea.

You know what
I'm concerned about?
I don't wanna get too bulky.

I wanna stay nice and lean
and tight.

I wanna get that
"Jesus on the cross" look.
I see what you're saying.

I think that crucifixion
must've been really good
for your core.

Absolutely. Jesus had,
like, the best abs.
He had the right idea.

He knew.
No pain, no gain.

He had good messages.
I'm sure he started that.

Let's do some cardio
since we're here.

Here we are. Let's get
our blood pumpin'.

Let's hop on these treadmills
and, uh, let's do this thing.

Let's do it.
All right.

I-I... I don't know
if I'm ready.
I'm not feeling ready.

I'll tell you why.
I feel a little low-energy.
That's what it is.

We need to fuel up.
I see people utilizing a lot of
shakes and powders around here.

We should probably
look into that.

You know what else
we should do...
get some new outfits.

Let's get some new outfits.
That's a great idea.

You decided to rock jeans.
I'm confused by that.

Yeah. I chose jeans.
I'm not seeing a lot
of other jeans.

I've never seen jeans in a gym.

Okay, look. That's fine.
This is what we'll do.
We'll dial it back.

We'll get fueled up.
We'll get some sick
new outfits.

And then we'll come back
and work out.
Boom. Let's go.

[Paper Rustles]
[Man] "Official résumé
of Mac and Charlie."

So both of you are...
Well, gentlemen,

I've never seen two people
share a résumé before.

Well, we thought
we'd save paper,
you know, go green.

Uh, "Work experience.
Paddy's Pub management...

and duties that include
ordering supplies and
taking care of business."

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
T.C.O.B.

"Business coordinator.
For several year"...
I don't know who this is.

Coordinator.
Okay. "For several years,
I've been in complete charge...

of pretty much everything
in my life."

I don't miss a beat.
That would actually
be him.

Not... Pretty much everything.

There are certain things
that you just can't have
control of, sir.

But I think you'll find
that what we lack
in formal education,

we more than make up for
in street smarts.
Mm-hmm.

Okay? So we can wheel.
We can deal. We can oversee
hostile takeovers.

Whatever you need,
bud.
You name it.

It's a mail-room gig.
And there's only
one spot available.

Mmm.
Ooh.

Kind of a package deal.
We sort of work
as a team.

- What if we split the pay
right down the middle?
- You'd be willing to do that?

Oh, yeah. This has
nothin' to do
with money.

This is sort of
a health insurance
situation for us.

So, frankly, you don't
even really have
to pay us at all.

[Chuckling]
Well, legally, I have
to pay you something.

But, uh, minimum wage maybe...

Minimum wage.
Are you kiddin' me?

That's great.
That's a government salary
right there.

Well, you drive a hard bargain.
The job is both of yours.

Congratulations.
Congratulations
to you.

Bro.
Yeah. Minimum wage.

Minimum wage.
All right.

♪♪ [Background: Loud Techno]

Fat burner?
I'm already on
a nitric oxide energy stack.

But, yeah, sure,
I'll take some fat burner.
Why not?

All right, everybody.

Before we begin today,

are there any
physical ailments that
I should know about first?

- Yeah. I just had
a heart attack.
- Excuse me?

I just had a heart attack.
Maybe you should turn
this techno music down.

Yeah. I gotta be honest, buddy.
I'm not really feelin'
these tunes.

♪♪ [Stops]
Boom.
There we go. Ah.

What are you doin'?
I'm riflin'
through your music.

And it's pretty terrible.
You know what?
Put it down.

[Dee]
Does he have any '80s?
Doesn't appear to.

It seems like he's got
a bunch of goddamn
dance mixes.

Whoa. Hang on. It's all good.
I got a Steve Winwood CD
in my car. I'll go grab that.

Listen, don't-don't do that.
Please don't do that.

What's wrong
with Steve Winwood?
Yeah, man.

- "Higher Love"? It's a classic.
- I pick the music
in this class, okay?

Oh.
Oh. No, no, no.
I apologize.

I had no idea that this
was all about you.

I don't think you should
even be here if you just
had a heart attack.

Well, maybe you shouldn't
dress like a bumblebee,
bitch.

[Laughing]
Oh! You just
got dogged, bro.

You just got dogged.

Guys, please, leave my class.

[Laughing]
Spin class. Come on.
Bunch of hamsters on a wheel.

I'm gonna ride a bike hard,
I'm gonna ride a bike fast,

and, oh, yeah, I'm not
gonna go anywhere.

Then when I walk out,
I'm gonna put a bunch of metal
onto a metal bar...

and lift that metal
over and over
like a metal jerk.

I gotta be honest. I feel
these supplements are doing
a great job on their own.

Know what I mean?
I got tons of energy.

My heart rate's up.
Things are going great.
Absolutely.

I feel good too.
Look how vascular I am.
Look how my veins are poppin'.

Holy shit.
I look good,
and I feel good.

I feel good, too,
apart from the recent bouts
of explosive diarrhea.

Oh. You been havin'
diarrhea?
Oh, God. All over the place.

You know what that is?
That's probably your body
flushing out all the toxins.

You think so?
I do think so.

I, on the other hand,
have not taken a shit
in days.

Days?
That doesn't sound good.
No, it's good.

My body's working
at 100% efficiency.

My body is absorbing every
single nutrient, and it's
not wasting a single thing.

Your body's taking its job
very seriously.

My body is doing its job
like it's never done before.

We're gonna start climbing
just a little more.

Thirty percent more resistance.

Why don't we
up the supplements,
which we know work,

and eliminate working out,
which we know blows?

That sounds like a good plan.
I'm gonna take it
one step further...

and propose that we
start working on a muscle...

that we've been neglecting
this entire time.

It's the most important
muscle in the entire body.

Which muscle?
The face.

♪♪ ["Higher Love"
Plays]

That's a gift for you,
bumblebee.

Come on.
Enjoy it,
Coach Dickenballs.

♪ Bring me a higher love
Oh, oh ♪

♪ Bring me a higher love ♪♪

♪♪ [Fades Out]

Mr. Taylor...
whose grandpa
was a sailor.

There you go, Mr. Scott...
Who drinks his coffee hot.

There it is, Mr. White...
whose wife is not
too bright.

There you go.

Dude, I'm trying to network
by the water cooler.

And I'm doing
both of our jobs here.
Wanna help out, okay?

The mail doesn't stop
down there, Mac.
I need help.

This is Felix's pile.
He receives for Eric.
He receives for Janet.

Don't ever look Janet
in the eyes, because she's
a horrible devil woman.

I feel like you are
taking this shit
way too seriously.

Will you just help me out?
This is Johnson's mail.

Now Johnson's gone AWOL
for the week with the wife
and kids down in Orlando.

I want you to keep a pile
in a neat stack somewhere
that's all Johnson's mail.

Whoa, whoa.
Wait a second.

This guy's in Orlando
for the week?
Yeah, man.

Help me out here.
Hold on a second, bro.
This is a perfect opportunity.

I'm gonna hang out
in his office
and pretend I'm the new guy.

Uh, I don't think that's
gonna work, dude.

Uh, have you seen
The Secret of My Success?

Uh, they're gonna
catch on to you.

Uh, but before they do, I will
come up with an idea that will
save the company millions...

and they'll be forced
to promote me.

Uh, are you sure?
How's that movie end,
dude?

Uh, I can't remember.
Actually...

Oh, yeah. He bangs
that old lady,

and they play that song
from the '80s... "Day, Bow-Bow."

What the hell is "Day, Bow-Bow"?

♪ Day, bow-bow
Chick, chicka-chicka ♪

Oh!
♪ Day, bow-bow ♪

[Together]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Day, bow-bow ♪

♪♪ [Beatboxing]

♪ Day, bow-bow ♪

♪ Beautiful ♪
♪ Chick, chicka-chicka ♪

♪ Day, bow-bow ♪

No, Mac, seriously...
♪ Hello ♪

♪ Beautiful ♪♪

At least give him his mail.

[Murmuring]

Hoh!

[Thinking]
Meds are kickin' in.

[Voice Slows, Distorts]
Meds are kickin' in.

Whoa.

Jesus Christ, dude.
What's goin' on in here?

I'm really behind
the eight ball, Mac.
The mail doesn't stop.

You're smoking now?
Yeah, I'm smoking now.

You kidding me?
My nerves are like...
[Jabbering]

I'm trying to smoke.
I'm trying to calm
myself down.

Hey, we got insurance,
so what the hell?
Have a smoke.

Maybe you're right.
I need to calm
my nerves a bit.

It's a shark tank up there.
Oh, yeah, is it?
I bet.

Have some coffee too.
That'll calm you down.
Yeah?

What's your system here, bro?
It's pretty complicated.

The mail goes
into three sections,

according to how important
I think the thing looks.
[Mail Dropping]

The least important stuff,
I'm gonna burn that.

If it's important,
they're gonna
send it again.

The middle important stuff,
I put that back in the mail
addressed to me.

I buy myself a couple more days.

The most important stuff,
that gets delivered.

Although, you know something?
I actually burn that, too,
most of the time.

Okay, well, it looks like
you've got this under control.

I'm gonna get back
to my office.
All right, man.

I'm just...
Okay, sorry, buddy.
The mail don't stop!

I'm gonna get back
to my office, and then...
I'll see you later.

All right, man.
Okay, bud.

You're not gonna stop, are you?

Come on, Mac. Hit me.
Come on. Hit me again.

[Door Opens]
Look.

[Frank Murmurs]
I found him
wandering the streets.

No I.D., no nothing.

Figured we'd turn him
over to you until
someone claimed him.

Poor thing.
Careful.

I think he crapped himself.

Oh, my.
This way.

Right through here.

Hit me.
Hit me again.

Hit me.

♪♪ ["Oh, Yeah" Playing]

[Man, Deep Voice]
♪ Oh, yeah ♪

[Ringing]

♪ Oh, yeah ♪
All right.

♪♪ [Continues]
Hello.

[Man]
Uh, hello?
Hi.

Uh, who is this?
This is Mac.
I'm the new guy.

What are you doing in my office?

Huh?
Who are you, and why
are you in my office?

Who is this?
This is Johnson.

Oh.

I-I... I thought
you were in Orlando.

I am in Orlando.
I'm trying to check
my voice mail.

Oh. I could
check it for you.

No, don't! Just...
What is your name, sir?

Uh...

Why don't you just
give me your name?

Your full name, sir.

♪ Chick, chicka-chicka ♪♪

This is gonna be great, Sis.
We already got the mind,
body and soul goin'.

Now all we need is
to get our faces
nice and tight,

and we'll be healthy
as all hell.
I know.

Uh, now, you're clear
on these instructions,
right?

Yeah. Yeah, I think so.
Yeah, you know
what you're doing?

They're in Spanish.
Yeah, but, you know,
if you know Latin,

you know, like,
three languages, so...

- Far as I know,
you don't speak Latin.
- I don't speak Latin.

But there's pictures,
so I think we're good.
You're good with the pictures.

Can we get goin' with this?

Those supplements
are givin' me the squirts
like you would not believe.

I would kill for
your bowel movements.
I am so blocked up.

Gonna do your eyes first.
Hold really still.
Easy, easy, easy.

Seriously, do not move.
Careful. Careful.

It's in?
It's out.

It's out,
and it's in.
I did it.

Pretty good, right?
Painless.

Let's just let that
settle for a minute,

and I'll think about
what I would like to do.

Number one, I'd like to get rid
of these crow's-feet I have
been noticing coming in,

which I do not appreciate.

And hear me out on this one.
It's a little weird.

I'm thinking about
doing something
to my earlobes.

I've never really
liked my earlobes.
Oh! Jesus!

What?

How's that eye feel?
Well, feels a little weird.

I'm having a little trouble
seeing out of it.
That's normal, right?

I don't think so.
It's not? Really?

Now that you mention it,
I do feel a fair amount
of pain coming on.

God, it stings.
Uh-huh? Um, uh...

Shit, Dennis. I think maybe
I switched these up.

You switched 'em up?
I don't know.

What the hell?
Maybe I put some collagen
in your eye.

You injected
Mexican collagen in my eye?
I'm sorry!

I can't handle this stress
you're giving me right now.

My heart is very weak.
It's a lot of pressure.

I think I'm going blind
in one eye.

Hold on a second.
I feel very weird.
I'm going blind.

I-I... I feel like my heart
might explode.
[Gasps]

Are you feeling better today?

I like to hear that.

Now take your medication.

Good.

That's good.

Hello, Chief.

They're onto me, dude.
Those guys are sharp
as nails up there.

You can't put
anything past them.

Oh, my God.
I am freakin' out.

I am so stressed out.
I feel like I'm having
a panic attack.

You wanna talk about stress?
Okay? I've stumbled onto
a major company conspiracy.

How about that for stress?
What the hell
are you talking about?

This company is being bled
like a stuck pig, Mac.

I've got a paper trail
to prove it.
Check this out.

Take a look at this.

Jesus Christ, Charlie.
That right there
is the mail.

Let's talk about the mail.
Can we talk about
the mail, please?

I've been dying to talk
about the mail with you
all day.

Pepe Silvia... this name
keeps coming up
over and over.

Every day, Pepe's mail's
getting sent back to me.

Pepe Silvia, Pepe Silvia.
I look in the mail...
This whole box is Pepe Silvia!

So I say to myself,
"I gotta find this guy.

I gotta go up to his office.
I gotta put his mail
in the guy's goddamn hands!

Otherwise, he's never
gonna get it. It's gonna
keep coming back down here."

So I go up to Pepe's office,
and what do I find out?
What do I find out?

- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- There is no Pepe Silvia.

The man does not exist.
So I decide, oh, shit,
I gotta dig a little deeper.

There's no Pepe Silvia?
You gotta me kidding me!
I got boxes full of Pepe!

All right, so I start
marching my way down
to Carol in H.R.

And I knock on her door,
and I say, "Carol!

Carol, I gotta talk to you
about Pepe."

And when I open the door,
what do I find?

There's not a single
goddamn desk in that office.

There is no Carol in H.R.

Mac, half the employees
in this building
have been made up.

This office
is a goddamn ghost town.

♪ Chick, chicka-chicka ♪

Charlie, I'm gonna
have to stop you
right there.

Not only do all
of these people exist,

but they have been
asking for their mail
on a daily basis.

It's all they're
talking about up there.

Jesus Christ, dude.
We are gonna lose our jobs.

Calm down, 'cause
here's one thing
that's not gonna happen.

What?
We're not gonna get fired.

We're not?
'Cause we've already
been fired.

- We've lost our jobs?
- Yeah.

About three days ago, a couple
pink slips came in the mail...
one for you, one for me.

What did I do? I mailed them
halfway to Siberia.

Charlie, if we've
lost our jobs, that means
we've lost our health insurance.

Which means all of this
was for nothing.

Goddamn it, dude. I am having
a panic attack. I'm actually
having a panic attack.

Will you settle down
and have another
cup of coffee?

I am, bro.

Fine. You know what, Barney,
give this guy a cigarette.
He's freakin' out.

- Huh? Who?
- Barney.

He's the guy
who tipped me off
to Pepe Silvia.

Barney? Who the hell
is Barney?

You don't see... Oh, shit.
Where the hell did he...

♪ Oh, oh-oh ♪
You've lost your mind.

You've lost your
goddamn mind, Charlie.

♪ Chick, chicka-chicka ♪♪

Jesus Christ! Will you
forget the mail? All right?

Forget the mail? The mail's
the most important thing
in the world.

You're gonna give me
another panic attack.
Do you have a cigarette?

I hear Barney.
Where's Barney?

Oh! How long is the wait
at this place?

We have been here
for hours and hours.

Goddamn Frank.
Where the hell
is he?

[Gasps]
Holy shit.

Where the hell am I?

[Straining]

[Grunts]

Hey. Tonto.

Come here.

Come on, bub.
Let's go.

Get up. You gotta
help me out here.

Pick this up
and throw it
through this window.

Pick. Throw.

- [Metal Snaps]
- [Water Pouring]

Whoa. That's it.

Yeah! Yeah! That's it.

One, two and three!

[Grunts]
Beautiful!

Come on. Let's get
the hell outta here.

Come on. You go...

[Grunts]

Why aren't you goin'?

[Voices Speaking Backwards]