All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.in.Philadelphia.S04E07.Who.Pooped.the.Bed.480p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BTN

[Dee] Guys, what are you
doing tonight?

[Dennis] What kind
of question is that?

[Mac] You're asking us
to predict the future.

How can I predict the future?

There's a new martini bar
opening up downtown.

I thought maybe we could do
something different tonight.

Jesus.
Where is this shit
coming from?

She just watched that stupid
Sex and the City movie.

Oh, my God.
When will that show die?
Never, apparently.

Dee, you tried this shit
30 years ago when that show
first came on the air.

Nobody wants to play
Sex and the City
with you.

Come on, Charlie!
You know you did it!
Fess up!

I did not poop the bed!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Rewind.
What?

I'm sorry. Did you
say something about
pooping in a bed?

Yeah! There was some poop
in our bed this morning.

- Oh, Jesus.
- And Charlie did it!

That is bullshit!
Charlie...

Guys, hold on a second.
Relax.

Walk us through
what happened.
Nice and slow.

Yesterday, we wake up and
there's a piece of poop right
in the middle of me and Frank.

Wait a minute.
So this happened
two nights in a row?

Yeah, man! So we throw
the first piece of poop out.

Big deal, whatever.
Accidents happen, right?

But this morning, there's
another piece of poop
in the exact same spot.

Frank says it's not him.
I say it's not me.

But you bet your ass
it's one of us.

This is a lot to handle.
The second poop... you
held on to it, right?

- Brought it along.
- Oh, no.

Dee, we said we can't
predict the future.

How could we possibly have seen
something this awesome coming?

We're gonna have to clear
our schedules. This is gonna
require a lot of attention.

You're not gonna go out with me
tonight 'cause these idiots
found two poopies in a bed?

Yeah, Dee.
But it's not the poop.

It's the mystery
behind the poop.

Hey, girlfriend!
Oh, my God!
You scared me!

Did I? My bad.
Why did you jump out
from behind a car?

- Were you stalking me?
- Girlfriend, you're crazy.

- Stop calling me "girlfriend."
- So check it.

Puttin' together a girls' night
out. I want you to come.

Why would I ever go out
with you? I hate you.

I know. I hate you too.
That's how we girls are.

We're catty, we backstab...

and talk about each other
behind our backs and stalk.

Don't you remember
how Samantha and Carrie
and the dykey redhead...

used to do that kind
of fun stuff?

I don't know who you're
talking about.
Sex and the City!

You are the worst.
I know you're gonna
be alone tonight.

I read all about it in
the notebook Charlie keeps
of your whereabouts.

You don't have any friends.
I have a ton of friends.

Name one friend.
Frederick.

Frederick is your cat,
and he died three weeks ago.
It's all here in the notebook.

Stop busting my balls,
and let's go meet some men.
Give me that notebook.

I'm not gonna
give you the notebook.
Don't reach for the notebook.

I'll give you the notebook
if you come out with me tonight.

Fine.
Fun! See you tonight!

You want me to do what?

Well...
We want you to examine
our poopy.

We just want to know
who it came from.
That's it.

We don't presume to be
scientists. That's why
we brought it to you.

We assume there's some
kind of test you can run
with these machines.

Actually, you don't have
to do any tests,

'cause I already know
it's Charlie's poop
and not mine.

Plus you have a hole
in the back of your pajamas.

It's not my poop!
You've been sleeping
in a giant dress shirt!

It probably fell out
of the bottom of it!

We need to figure this out
before it tears us apart.

The only way for us
to get to the bottom
of this...

is for you
to tear that poop apart
and tell us what's inside.

Just take a look at it.
Get inside there.

You want me to examine
a plastic container
full of feces?

I feel like you were gonna say
something else right there,
and then you stopped. Right?

- Please get out of my lab.
- That wasn't what he was
gonna say.

Why do you have to go there?
There's no reason
to be harsh.

[Charlie]
Tiny little simple poop test.
[Frank] Just look at it.

You just missed out on
an extraordinary adventure.
Let's get outta here.

Yeah, there's other ways
to figure this out.

Pussy!

Yeah.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, you got a turd?

- Yeah. We got a turd.
- I'll take a look at it.

Okay. Well,
it's definitely poop.

Uh, yeah.
We know that, guy.

Whoever it was seems to have
been eating newspaper.

Well, now we're
getting somewhere.

Which one of you idiots was
eating a goddamn newspaper?

It's gonna go
both ways, dude.
Really?

Sorry. Yeah.
What else?

This appears to be a piece
of a credit card.

Shoot.
Inconclusive.

How is that not specific
to one of you?

I wish it was, man,
but that's inconclusive.

Oh, boy. There's a good deal
of blood in this stool.

Of course there is.
Whoever's it is
should see a doctor.

Don't give us judgments.
Just tell us what's in there.

What's in there?
What else?

This is wolf hair?
Wolf hair, mm-hmm.

Also inconclusive.
Jesus Christ!

- You knew there was wolf hair?
- There is so much wolf hair
in our apartment.

But why are you eating it?
It gets in everything.

Both of you are eating wolf?
We had a wolf
in our apartment.

Guys! This is getting us
nowhere. Can we move on
to the D.N.A. test?

Can you do
a D.N.A. test?
That's a good idea.

I can't do that.
What do you mean?

Aren't you
a scientist?
Yeah, do it.

No, I'm an econ major.
I just wanted to look
at some poop.

[Guys Groaning]
You're not a scientist?

I never said I was a scien...
Bro, you have wasted our time!
You have ruined our turd.

That's the only piece
of evidence we have.
Put it back together!

♪♪ [Electronic Dance]

Who is she again?
That's Artemis.

She's the sassy one who always
plays by her own rules.

Those guys are playing
hard to get.

I'm gonna take off my bra,
blast my nips.

Let's hold on that.
I think what we need to do
is just talk and have fun.

Bring 'em to us,
you know?
Mm-hmm.

So, Artemis, where'd you
get that great top?

Burmington Coat Factory.
I got it on sale.

It's irregular.

Oh. Okay.

Excuse me. Hi.

Can we get three Cosmos,
please?
Make mine a water.

Water? We're in a bar.
I have a drinking problem.

Wow. That's a horribly
unattractive thing
to announce to everybody.

I'd like a water, please.
She'll take a Cosmo, and she'll
just hold it in her hand.

That is a terrible idea.
That's a pretty good idea if you
want to get that notebook back.

Yeah, I'll take
a Jägerbomb.
No. No Jägerbombs.

Okay. Fine,
Irish car bomb.
No.

Sake bomb?
Okay, no!

Nothing with bombs
in the name. Okay?
Please, the Cosmos.

Go get the Cosmos.
Thanks a lot.

Goddamn it!

Hottie alert at 2:00.
Here they come.

Incoming.
Okay.
Let me do the talking.

What's up, ladies?
Not much.
Just enjoying the view.

Name's Artemis.

I have a bleached asshole.

Okay, it's time to move on
to the reenactment
and dramatization.

- Jesus Christ, Frank.
You sleep in that?
- My legs get hot.

I definitely see how something
could've slipped out of there.
Absolutely.

That would've fallen right out
in the middle of the bed.

What about
Charlie's hole?
What?

Just get into the bed
and show us how you sleep.

All right.
[Mac]
Thank you.

Right off the bat, there's
a clear solution. Could've
prevented this entire thing.

You guys need to get two beds!

Maybe I'll get two TVs
and two refrigerators.

Do we come to your house
and tell you how to sleep?

I sleep in a king-size bed
by myself.

When I have to go
to the bathroom,
I use a toilet.

Look at King Dennis
on his bed made for kings,

with his toilet
made out of gold!

Okay, guys!
Everybody calm down, please!

This is not about lifestyle.
This is not about judgments.

This is about truth, okay?

Charlie and Frank, show us
how you were positioned
the night of the incident.

Excuse me. Incidents.
[Charlie]
All right.

Well, I'm pretty sure
I was sleeping like this
that night.

So there's no way
it could've been me.

Charlie,
we sleep ass to ass.
You know that.

Oh, great.
Okay, clearly we're having
a problem with honesty here.

Turn around.
Dennis, a word.

I hate to say it, bro,
but I think we're gonna have
to do an overnight observation.

To be honest, I wouldn't mind
seeing how this whole situation
really works.

It's fascinating.

You're... [Mutters]

[Cats Meowing]

Well, this just gets weirder
and weirder, man.

Yeah.
[Muffled Fart]

Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Anything? Hey?

Uh, no, nothin'.
False alarm.

Damn it, dude. We can't
keep doing this all night.
Oh, I know.

You know what?
Why don't we sleep
in shifts?

I'm not saying
this isn't important work.

But I can't keep
my eyes open, man.
I hear you. I hear you.

I'll tell you what.
You go ahead and go first.

I still got
a little energy left.

I don't know about this floor.
It's covered in sand
or something.

It smells like some
kind of spice blend
or pesticide...

or some other kind
of sandy poison
or something.

I wouldn't sleep
on the floor though.

I gotta sleep with them?
You gotta.
You gotta.

Are you sure
you're all right?
I'm fine. I got it.

You sure?
Yeah, I'm good.

I'm just gonna sleep
for, like, 15 minutes.

And then you wake me up,
and we'll switch it off.

You good?
I'm fine.

Oh, gosh.

[Snoring]

[Birds Twittering]
[All Snoring]

[Sniffing]

[Gasping]

My God!

If we're going to be meeting
sophisticated men, we need
to start acting with class.

We cannot be telling people
that we have bleached assholes.

He was gonna find out
anyway.
Oh, my God.

And you, you shouldn't be
drinking in a shoe store.

You shouldn't be drinking
in a shoe store.

What is the matter with you?
I told you to pace yourself.

I have a drinking problem.
Then you should know how to hold
your booze a little better.

I'll hold your boobs
a little better.
Oh, good one.

- Ladies, can I help you?
- Hello. We are here
for the Manolos.

And what's
your shoe size?
Thirteen.

Oh, my. Uh, we don't
carry shoes that large.

Perhaps you'd like to try
the "big and tall" store
down the street?

You know what?
I don't like
this bitch's attitude.

Hmm.
Oh!

[Glass Breaks]

Did she just try and break
a bottle over my head?

No. Of course
she didn't.

Girls, I'll meet you outside.

Huh?
Get her.

Oh. Hey.

[Straining]
Okay.

Just the littlest bit
snug, aren't they?

Uh! There we go.

Cute though, huh?
How much?

700.
700. Yes.

I tell you what.
You pay for quality.

There's so much crap
out there these days.

Man, I am excited to bust
my dogs out in these tonight.

We're going
to a French restaurant.

Le Bistro. It's five star.
I don't know if you've
been to it. Probably not.

Sounds great,
but this has been declined.

Declined?
You're kidding me.

[Sighs]
It makes me so mad.

You know,
the credit card companies...
the way they waste your time.

Probably protecting me.
I spent a lot of money
today.

Try that one.
Uh-huh.

Excuse me!

Oh!
[Car Alarm Shrieking]

[Groaning]

[Dee]
Oh, God.

[Alarm Continues]
Did it not go through?

What motive
could a man possibly have
for pooping where he sleeps?

- I love that bed.
- Don't buy this act.

I will jam that poop
right back up your ass
where it came from!

- You know I...
- Guys, guys, guys!

Clearly, we're exhausted
and full of emotion.

But we should not be
threatening each other...

with jamming feces into
each other's assholes, okay?

Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on a second.

What if we had them
produce another sample...

and we cross-reference
the samples?

They'd have to do it
in front of us so that
there's no foul play.

Yeah.

I can't go now.
Really?

I could probably
squeeze something out.

I'll get some newspaper.
This is exciting.
This is very exciting.

[Dee]
Why, of all places,
are we here?

Because it's your bar,
and we're gonna drink
for free.

Damn it, Waitress.
That is not what I wanted.

How... How do you still
not know what my name is?
Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm supposed to be expected
to remember everyone's name
at all moments of the day.

Oh, my God.
This is the opposite of where
we're supposed to be.

[Straining]

[Mac]
I see it. It's comin'.

It's... Oh!
Whoa!
[Dennis, Mac, Groan]

Dee! We were
just on the verge
of a major breakthrough!

He was turtle-heading!
Turtle-heading!

There was no turtles anywhere.

Were you just pooping
on the floor?
No, I was not.

That was an endurance contest,
which I won, by the way.

You're paying for that.
She doesn't have
to pay for that.

Yes, she does.
Bite me, asshole.

You have a bad attitude
when you're drinking.

You have a bad attitude
when you're drinking,
you huge-footed slut.

You know what? I'm just
gonna go get more wasted,

and then I'm gonna bang
some random dude.

- Could it be this guy?
- No, it can't.
But it could be Dennis.

- Pass.
- Whatever.

You know what?
I'm gonna take this.
Whoa!

I'm gonna take this.
And I'll see
you assholes later.

That is my notebook.
Free coffee for a year.

Wait a second.
Where did she get
my note...

I have backups.
It's cool.
What is with her?

Something about drinking.
She just won't stop
talking about it.

What's with the plates of shit?

Somebody pooped the bed.
Whatever. Let's get out of here.

We could use a fresh
set of eyes on this
if you don't mind.

No, thank you. I think
that Artemis and I have
much better things to do.

Uh, actually. I'm just
gonna stick around.

Excuse me?
Are you kidding me?

You know what? Forget it. Okay?
I'm gonna do this by myself.

I'm gonna go find some
classy, sophisticated people
who can hold their booze,

who don't talk about
their bleached assholes...

and who aren't obsessed
with poop.

Okay. Bring me
up to speed here, boys.

♪♪ [Background: Vivaldi
The Four Seasons]

[Clears Throat]
This is an interesting piece.

Mmm. I love
his use of space.

The space... that's what
I loved about it.

What do you think
the chunky earth tones
represent?

Uh...

Look at the rich texture,
the dimensions.

It's almost as if
you can smell it.
Oh, God.

This is the piece I was
telling you about.
It's unbelievable.

It's so raw, so base,
so utterly human.

It's almost
as if it exploded
out of the artist.

[Groans]
Well, I think
it's crap.

[Voice Echoing]
Crap, crap, crap.

No!

[Gasps]

[Voice Echoing]
Crap, crap, crap.

Oh, no!
[Gasping]

- Crap, crap, crap.
- No!

No! No! No!

No. What...
Oh, God!

Oh, God!
Why are you pooping?

[Gasping]

[Screaming]

[Thunderclap]

You know what, guys?
Let's just wrap up the evidence
and start again fresh tomorrow.

You think it'll keep, or should
we put 'em in the fridge?

Nah.
[Sniffs]
They'll keep fine.

[Thunder Continues]

Okay, you know what?
You guys win, all right?

Are you happy?
Win what?

[Guys Exclaiming]
[Charlie]
Heart failure.

[Frank]
Check the circuit breaker.

[Screaming]

Whoa!
Whoa!

Nobody move!

Everyone here is a suspect.

Put on another pot of coffee.

It's gonna be a long night.

[Thunder Continues]

Four turds, five suspects,

so many, many nameless victims.

The first poop
was obviously Frank.

Old and weak,
he had an accident.

That's why he was so intent
on destroying it.

There were many turds before
this, weren't there, Frank?

This was just the first time
you got caught, wasn't it?

And then you went and did it
again the next night.

Or did you?

Two poops in two nights?

Tall order for such a short man.

No. The second poop
belonged to Charles.

He wanted to get back at Frank,

but, due to his poor diet,
couldn't produce a turd.

So he called Mac, who jumped
at the chance to see Frank
humiliated one more time.

But Charlie overlooked the fact
that Dennis listens
to Mac's phone calls,

and he heard every word.

Dennis was jealous that Charlie
had chosen Mac to help
instead of him.

He swore to have his revenge.

That's why he encouraged Mac
to sleep while he stayed up.

He was gonna put
the frame on Mac
by pooping next to him.

But he didn't realize
that a futon slept on
by the weight of three men...

would be off its axis
and slope to the center.

And like a small brown snail,

it crept to the middle...

between Charlie and Frank.

Deandra!

You wanted in on this poop war
from the start.
No, I didn't.

The outcast, the slut,

the bitch, the whore.

The lonely, sad,
slutty, bitchy whore.

You sat on the sidelines
while these four titans
battled it out.

You were jealous
that a few pieces of poop
got more attention than you.

That's why,
when the lights went out,

you unleashed some thunder
of your own!

Thunder of the...
chocolate variety.

[Thunderclap]

All of that would be
fine and dandy...

if any of it were true.

Can we wrap this up
at some point?

In due time, pretty face.
In due time.

Frank, isn't it true you thought
you've been pooping the bed
for months now?

You chalked it up
to your old plumbing
and penchant for spicy foods.

Morning after morning, you'd
bury your poop after you rose
to hide it from Charlie.

But convinced that
Charlie had discovered
his dirty little secret,

[Screaming]
Frank pooped the bed again
the next night as revenge.

Only a lot more came out
than he expected.

He had gone too far.
I've gone too far.

Due to the size
and severity of the poop,

Frank concluded that Charlie
had been pooping the bed
all along.

And so he cleaned up the mess
and wandered the streets
looking for someone...

who could replicate Charlie's
small and malnourished turd.

And that's where he came upon
his old friend Rickety Cricket.

Get up!

Known the world over
for his ability
to replicate any man's stool,

Cricket came back
and committed fecal forgery.

Which leads us
to the third turd.

Dennis and Mac thought it'd
be funny to put the frame
on Frank and Charlie.

And so they both pooped.

But as so often happens,
the poop rolled together,
and two became one.

- ♪♪ [Heavenly Choir Sings]
- A turd merger.

Fused together by fear
and hatred and hair.

But on to the final poop...

A poop that can be
traced back to Dee!

But not to her butt.

The Waitress...
Drunk out of her mind...

and furious that Dee
had pushed her back
into the arms of the bottle...

Pooped in Dee's purse
while Dee's back was turned.

[Laughing Maniacally]

And Dee carried it
unknowingly...

until she arrived here
and the lights went out
and she was startled,

knocking her purse to the floor,
causing the turd to tumble...

where it stands
before us right now!

Ha! Huh?

So as you can see,

the mystery of who pooped
the bed has been solved.

And yes, my friends,
[Dennis Sighs]

in a way, oh, you're all guilty.

Huh? What?

Oh!

Nah. I did it.

[Thunderclap]
What?

I did 'em all.
I did all the poops.

- Really?
- Yeah. I did...
I did every one of 'em.

I even did one while she
was wrapping up right here.

Look.
[Laughing]
[Others Groan]

Dude!
Jesus!

[Charlie]
Oh, my God.
[Laughing]

- Why did you do that, dude?
- Because poop is funny.

[Laughing]

- Well, I guess poop
is pretty funny.
- Poop is funny.

Poopin' on the floor
like that...
That was a good one.

You know what?
Well played, my man.
Very well played.

[Laughing]
That's funny.

I hate my life.
Yeah.

Seriously, dude.
Don't ever poop
in our bed again.

[Voices Speaking Backwards]