All language subtitles for Its.Always.Sunny.in.Philadelphia.S04E04.Macs.Banging.the.Waitress.480p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-BTN

[Mac]
Okay, it's 2:30 on a Wednesday.
Philadelphia, P.A.

Hello, America.
Mac here...

with another installment
of Project Badass.

As you can see, the ramp is
about 40 feet down there.

I will now light
the pyrotechnics...

which are attached at the arms
and back and all over my pants.

Totally and completely badass.

Here we go!

Three, two, one.

[Man]
♪ Here I go again
on my own ♪

- [Mac Laughing]
- Ooh!

Yeah!
Oh, Jesus!

You see what I
was going for, right?
How badass is that?

You know what, man?
I actually found that to be
pretty goddamn entertaining.

I gotta be honest.
You have more of those?
I got a shitload of those.

Yeah?
I've been working
my ass off on these videos.

Has Charlie seen these?
I bet he would love 'em.
I showed it to him.

Yeah?
He acted like he liked it.

In fact, he even asked me to
keep one of the videocassettes
for multiple views.

And then when I wasn't around,
I saw him smashing one.

Smashing it?
Dude, I don't know
what his problem is,

but he's been completely
pissing me off recently.

I worked so hard
on those tapes.
Why?

Hmm?
Why?

To show how badass I am.
[Charlie]
Code red. Code red!

Code red, guys!
Guys, we got a code red
on our hands!

What?
[Panting]
Oh, my God. Check it out.

Now according to my sources
in the field, the waitress
is seeing somebody.

Do you know
who this guy is?
No. I have no idea, man.

I just got, like,
a shady readout on the guy.
Look, I tell you what, Mac.

Seeing how you're
my best friend, maybe you can
look into it for me.

Go down there.
Snoop around the shop.
Can I stop you for a second?

I'm sorry.
I'm a little confused here.

You just said he was
your best friend? How is he
your best friend over me?

Well, I mean...
you banged the waitress.

Do I even have to explain that
to you? That kind of rubbed me
the wrong way, dude.

Okay.
I mean, you know,

I don't see how that
should factor into whether
we're best friends or not.

To be honest with you, man,
I'm a little shocked.

I'm kinda... I'm thunderstruck.

Oh, well, I'm sorry, man.
But I didn't mean to hurt you.

I didn't mean to
thunderstrike you. But I
don't know what to tell you.

I need for you to explain to me
how it is that you consider Mac
to be a better friend to you.

This is just becoming awkward
when I have a real problem!

All of a sudden it's about
some weird feelings thing!

It's not about your feelings
now! It's about my feelings
'cause I have a problem.

Mac, please, do you think
you can find this guy
and kick his ass for me?

Absolutely, bro.
I will find this guy
and I will kick his ass.

You know why?
Because you and I
are best friends.

[Doorbell Rings]

He's onto us.

[Doorbell Buzzes]

Hey, hey!
Hey.

Hey, what's up, buddy?
How are ya?
Good.

So, look,
I'm only gonna be here
a night or two...

until Mac and I take care
of a little business.

You stay as long
as you want to, man,
'cause that's what friends do.

They let each other stay
at each other's apartments.
They hang out with each other.

Absolutely.
And we can do that.
Do some bonding.

Maybe go over the best friend
thing a couple more times.
Uh, bro.

Where are you going with that?

Well, I was gonna throw
your sleeping bag in my room
'cause you can stay with me.

Ooh, yeah. Uh, I was
gonna stay in Mac's room.

Oh, I'm sure he wouldn't mind.
Hey, my room's a lot bigger.

I'm just gonna stick
with the plan here.
Oh, okay.

Listen, man, since you're here
and you got all this beer, let's
crack a couple of 'em open.

Let's get tipsy.
Yeah, but the beer
is for me and Mac. You know?

It doesn't have to be,
though.
Celebrate the ass kicking.

Well, I mean, there's 24 beers
there if I'm counting right.

Twelve for me
and 12 for Mac.
Twelve for Mac.

That's sort of
our thing that we do.

You guys are really
gonna drink that many?
Just the two of you?

Tonight?
Yeah.

We could do something else.
Let's do something else!
Hey, board games, man!

Let's have a board game night.
Chinese checkers.

That's kinda foreign to me.
I got... I got Clue.

We could solve
a mystery together.
Complicated stuff there.

What about Connect Four?
Connect Four's a fun game.

Lot of counting.
It's not that much counting.

It's just one, two, three,
and then four you win.

But a lot of times
you gotta count that much.

Not that many times.
If you get it once,
you've won the game.

So, you're kinda in...
Have you ever spent any...

I'm in your way.
I'm in your way.
My way.

Yeah. Cool.

Uh, hey, let's watch
a movie. That's simple.
That doesn't require any...

We can just sit down and
like watch... I bought
a bunch of new DVDs.

Yeah, I got a lot of work to do.

Whoa! What are you...
What is that?

Oh, nothing.
I just got a couple long-range
walkie-talkies.

Oh, cool.
Did you get one for me?
Uh...

I... did... not.

Look, that's all right.
I mean, we could probably just...
[Beeps]

Who has... Who has the other one?

[Beeps]
Mac probably.

- All right, let's do this.
- What are you doing?

Popping my pants off.
Why?

Because we're gonna bang.

Shove it in Charlie's face for
smashing my tape. How many times
do we have to go through this?

Dude, look.
I know what your
little plan is.

But if I am going to bang you,
it's gonna be on my own terms,
okay?

There's some things
that I need from you.
[Grunts]

All right, whatever.
I'll wear the goddamn condom.
But I am not psyched about it.

This isn't about condoms! Do
you really not wear condoms when
you have sex with strangers?

Why would I wear
a condom if I...
Okay, I don't care.

I just need you to get me in
Dennis's house alone so I can
get something back from him.

What?
None of your business.

Is it a sex tape?
No.

Yes. How do you know that?
Because he videotapes
every chick he bangs.

He's got, like,
a thousand of them.
I don't like 'em though.

It's mostly that horrible angle
that you see in porns,

where it's all balls
and male ass just...

That is disgusting.
Who likes that?
Who finds that sexy?

Are there balls
and asshole men that like...
Please stop doing that.

[Charlie] Best Friend 1
to Best Friend 2,
come in. Over.

Eesh.
I'm gonna take this.

Then maybe later
we can do some hand stuff.
Are you in junior high?

Mouth stuff?
Oh, my God.

Mouth stuff.
Best Friend 1 to
Best Friend 2, come in.

- Hey, buddy. What's up?
- What's the status? You make
contact with the target?

Yeah. Affirmative.
I totally kicked his ass.
Good, man!

Hey, what was this jerk's name?

His name? Um...

Don.
Don. Typical.

You get a last name
on this chump?

Yeah. Johnson.

Yeah.
Sounds like a real sucker.

Actually, no.
He had some pretty sweet moves.
But I totally roundhoused him.

Took him out.
My form was pretty perfect.
I'm sure you did.

I'm sure you did.
That's my man. That's my
best friend right there.

Why don't you head back to the
nest for some pizza and beer.
Best Friend 1, over and out.

[Static Humming]

He forgot to say "over and out."
I can't believe that.

- He's lying.
- Huh?

He's spinning you
a web of lies, Charlie.

What are you
talking about, dude?

Don Johnson?

You don't find that
a little suspicious?

No. Should I?

Don Johnson's the dude
from Miami Vice, Charlie.

I'm sure there's plenty
of Don Johnsons running
around Philly, dude.

I don't think so.

Then maybe he beat up
the Don Johnson
you're talking about.

No, it's something else.
Something stinks here, bro.

And it is not
just Mac's dirty socks.

- They do stink, don't they?
- They smell really bad.

Really bad!
I'm surprised you've been able
to be in here for this long...

without cracking a window
or something.
It has not been easy.

I should crack a window.
I tried. It's like they're
sealed shut or something.

I hate to say this, bro,
but I think Mac's
banging the waitress.

What are you talking about?
Hey, hey, hey.

I can't say for sure.
I don't have any hard evidence.

But that's just what
it feels like from where
I'm standing, man.

And he's gonna break
your heart, man.

And when he breaks your heart,

I'll be here
to pick up the pieces
and put you back together.

'Cause that's what
a real best friend does.

You know where to find me.

Over and out.

Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ, dude.
You scared the shit out of me.

[Slurring]
A little late, isn't it?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.
What are you still doing up?

Oh, well, you know,
I was just waiting for my...

My best friend.

Right. Well, um,
I went on a long walk.

Hey, here's an idea for you.

How about you take your mind
off of it with some pizza...

and some beer.

Oh, that's right.

I ate all the pizza
and I drank all the beer.

You must be wasted, dude.
Twenty-four beers by yourself?

And... I'm very wasted.

Right. Okay.
Why don't you come to bed, bro?

Oh, I don't think I'm gonna be
sleeping in your bed tonight.

Doesn't really feel right.

I feel like it might be
a little bit better for me...

if I spent the night
on the couch.

Okay. That's cool.
Just make sure you go
to the bathroom...

before you fall asleep
'cause I don't want you
to piss on the couch again.

Oh, well, we wouldn't
want that now, would we?

No, we wouldn't.

'Cause that would be
a terrible thing to do.

Terrible and...

Seriously, bro,
if you piss on the couch again,
you're gonna buy us...

- I'm not gonna piss...
- You're buying us a new one
if you piss on the couch.

- I can control myself.
- Just don't piss on the couch.

- You've done it before.
All right, good night.
- I can control myself.

Hmm.

Didn't sound like best friend
talk out here to me.

No, it... it really wasn't.

Hmm. You want
to come in my room?

I think that sounds just fine.

Come on, Charlie.
Come to your real best friend.

Yeah. You're my friend.
I'm your friend.

Oh, my God!
Your breath is horrible.
Sorry. I'm like so drunk.

Oh, Jesus.
Just get in the bed.

Oh, my God.

[Charlie Snoring]

[Whispers]
Dennis?

Dennis, wake up.

Wake up.
[Grunts]

What time is it?
Shh. It's really late, dude.

There's a certain situation
developing between myself,

Charlie, and the waitress that
I need to talk to you about.

Proceed.
Okay.

Well, as you know, Charlie
thinks that he and I
are best friends,

which is total bullshit.

Because you know that what we
have is much stronger than that.
You and I are blood brothers.

Oh, most definitely.
So as my blood brother, I need
to confide a secret to you.

You've been banging
the waitress?
How'd you know that?

You're my blood brother, man.
I know more about you
than you know about yourself.

Listen, bro.
I need you to do me a favor.

Can you get Charlie out
of the apartment tomorrow?
Why?

'Cause she wants to bang
in your bed. I don't know.

She's obsessed with you
or something.
She's a total freak.

I don't give a shit
either way...

because I want to rub it
in Charlie's face for smashing
my Project Badass tape.

Whatever it's gonna take to
finally get you two banging.
Yeah.

Dennis, I got you something.
You got me something?

What?
I got you a walkie-talkie.

Dude, that's great.

That way we can communicate
better. We'll use a different
channel than Charlie and I use.

That's awesome, man.
Yeah, it's good, right?

Thank you.
[Laughs]

[Grunts]
Shh, shh.

Well...

Hey.
Hey, Charlie.

Well, what is this?

Uh...

What am I seeing?

Nothing, man. You're having
a dream right now.
Yeah. Just a dream.

I'm dreaming?
Yep.

Yeah, dreaming.
Yep.

You sure?
'Cause I feel like I'm awake.

No, man. You're...
This is a dream
that you're having.

All right. Am I peeing?
[Liquid Streaming]

Are you peeing? Oh!
He's pissing
all over the bed!

He's peeing!
I told him he was gonna do it!
He drank too much!

Goddamn it!
Hey, guys,
if I'm peeing, wake me up.

Yeah, bro. But that had to
change your mind about who your
real best friend is though.

I'll give you this much, dude.
The guy's acting very weird,
okay?

But I need proof if I'm gonna
sell him down the river.

Proof?
He told me he was
gonna bang her, man.

Maybe the two of you
are plotting against me.
Look, it doesn't matter.

I got a plan to prove it
to you, anyway.
What's this plan of yours?

Walk with me. I planted that
walkie-talkie that Mac gave me
in my bedroom.

We're gonna switch your walkie
to that channel and we're gonna
listen to the whole thing.

We're gonna catch that son
of a bitch red-handed.
Oh, my God. That'll work.

Yeah, it's gonna work.
And the whole thing's
gonna be on tape too.

You know that video camera
I keep in my bedroom?
No.

I got that bad boy running 24/7.
It's like a security cam.
Except it's for banging.

Weird.
Come to the office with me.

Yeah, he keeps that camera
running nonstop, just in case.

Yeah! Here we go.
"W" through "Z"!

- You should be under "W," yeah?
- No. My name doesn't start
with a "W."

"Waitress." Here we go.
"Waitress, coffee shop."

One star. Not good.
Oh, just give that to me.

One star.
Okay. Well, I guess
a deal's a deal.

So pop those knickers off
so we can jam.

Not just yet.
I need one more thing from you.

Jesus Christ. I just want
to bang at this point
just to get it over with.

I want to get it over with too,
but I want you to bang me at
Charlie and Frank's apartment.

You want to bang in Charlie
and Frank's apartment?
Yes.

Yeah, that'll be good.
We can rub his face in it.
Oh, yeah.

If we're gonna do that,
we gotta be very careful.

'Cause I don't want to get
caught slipping in and out
before the coitus.

Let's make a plan.
Okay.

Goddamn it. This doesn't
make any sense. We should
be hearing them by now.

- Why aren't we hearing them?
- 'Cause I turned it off.

What do you mean
you turned it off?
I don't want to listen to this!

You gotta listen to it,
Charlie.
I don't think I can.

You need to hear him
sexing her...

because the video alone
won't be evidence enough
because of the angle.

What's wrong with the angle?
Let's put it this way. You won't
be able to see anybody's face.

Oh, it's the lowdown...
You got it.

That's a... I know.

[Mac Over Radio]
If we're gonna do this,
the only way it's gonna work...

is if you're dressed
like a man.
Dressed like a man?

[Waitress]
You want me to dress like a man?

Yeah. The only way it's
gonna work for me is if you're
dressed like Dennis or Charlie.

I should probably
dress like Charlie
'cause he's kinda my height.

No. No.
I'm gonna be Charlie.
You're gonna be Dennis.

That's gonna be much better
for me. Trust me. We'll dress
you up in his clothes.

That way we can slip you in
and out with ease 'cause
we gotta be very careful.

This could be a very,
very messy situation.

So I want you to stay
behind me. Get behind me
and stay behind me.

No. I want to be
in front of you.

No, no. You gotta be behind me.
I gotta have you behind me.

What the hell is that
all about, man?
I don't know.

Now from here on out,
I'm gonna refer to you
only as Dennis.

When we slip in, you're gonna
start banging me... hard!

Okay.
[Mac]
Good.

Well, Mac's gay.

[Mac]
Blood Brother 1 to Blood
Brother 2. Are you there?

Yeah, this is
Blood Brother 2.
Go ahead.

My mission's extremely
close to being complete.
But I need a favor.

I need you to get Frank
and Charlie away from
their apartment, okay?

I need to get in there
without being detected.

Blood Brother 1, over and out!

Now he says "over and out."
I can't believe he just said
"over and out."

What do you think he wants
over at your apartment?

I don't know what's going
on with him.
Shit, I know what it is.

Oh. Oh. This is sick,
but hear me out.

I think he wants to be you
getting banged by me
in your apartment.

[Groans]
It's like role play!

Oh, God.
He's got some sick, twisted
obsession with us, man.

He's totally obsessed with us.

That's why he's showing us all
those videos and trying to prove
to us he's a badass.

He wants to impress us
because he's in love with us.
Oh, my God.

He's so in love with us.
Oh, my God.

Ew, dude!
This is twisted.

This is dark.
We definitely need to get
to the bottom of this.

- Let's just find
a hiding spot, okay?
- Okay, good.

I'm thinking if I get
in the bed, and I get
real low and flat,

and maybe you're underneath me
or on top of me,
they won't see us.

How does that work?
Okay. Well, see,
here's the problem.

If I get all balled up
and small, I get too high,

and you'll see
that there's someone
in the bed.

Now the further and wider I go,

Uh-huh.
the flatter I become,
like a starfish, you know?

What in the hell are you
talking about? Why would we
want to look like a starfish?

It's just the best hiding spot.
I don't have a lot.

We need to find another one
'cause we're not hiding
in the bed.

These things are covered in
piss. All right, come on.

Come on!
Stay behind me.
Why are these jeans so tight?

Because Dennis takes
them all in at the thighs
to accentuate his female form.

I would never say it
to his face, but Dennis
has great thighs.

All right.
Now let's stop talking
and start banging.

We busted you!
We busted you!
Caught! You are busted!

Oh, we're busted?
Because you look pretty busted.

Well, no.
This is the best way to hide
in my apartment.

Goddamn it, Charlie!
I knew we shouldn't have done
this in the bed!

Why did you have to get
on top of me?

That's the only way to hide
and have it not be noticeable
in my apartment!

There's nowhere
to hide in here!
What are you doing?

- What are you doing?
- Huh?

Coming in here talking about how
in love with my thighs you are.

Why isn't it my creamy thighs
you're after? I see you've
taken to wearing my clothes.

- You heard him talking about
my thighs when he came in.
- It was my thighs, dude.

Were you guys humping
when we came in?
No!

Oh, my God!
Where is the tape?
What?

- The sex tape that Frank made.
Where is it?
- Frank made a sex tape too?

Yes. Apparently he made a tape
of us having sex when I banged
him to get back at Dennis.

Oh! Oh, no.
That's gone.

Yeah, all right.
Here's what happened, guys.

I thought it was one of Mac's
Project Badass tapes, so I
pop it in the VCR to watch it.

I see what it is.
I become violently ill.
Then I start smashing.

And I smash good.

So that's what
you were smashing.
Oh, my God, bro.

I thought you were smashing
my Project Badass tape
because you hated it.

What, dude?
I love Project Badass! I watch
those tapes all the time.

So the sex tape is gone then?
Yeah. I smashed the
crap out of it. Gone.

- Great. Good.
Thank you, Charlie. Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Kind of don't know
what else to say.

Say, "I will have dinner
with you and thank you
for this."

That doesn't make any sense.
Just say the words...

I will never go out with you.
Oh, my God!

I will say them for you.
You should be more grateful!

Hey. Charlie, I'm sorry.

I was gonna bang the waitress
to get back at you because I
thought you smashed my tape.

I'm glad I didn't now, right,
'cause that chick is the worst.

Oh, yeah, man.
She's terrible. Gross.
Only got one star from me.

I saw that.
You're watching my tapes again?
What'd you think?

You got weird balls.

You should see Frank's balls.
They're like planets.

Ew.
You know what this all
makes me realize though?

Is that maybe the three of us
were meant to be best friends
together.

That would cause a lot less
problems if we just
called it even.

Said we're all best buds and
no more turning on each other.

You can have more
than one best friend, right?
Absolutely!

We're three best friends.

The three amigos.
Yeah!

All right!
The three, um...

Musketeers!
Blind mice!

- The Three...
- Stooges.

I don't want to be
associated with those.
I want to get one.

There's another one out there.

- Move past it.
- I can't get it.

Let's put it behind us, guys.
Let's put it behind us.

And let's concentrate
on what's really important.

Hello. And welcome
to Project Badass,
volume 16.

As you can see, the mattresses
are stacked three high,

creating a safe
but still amazingly
badass landing zone.

I will now light the fuse...

that is attached
to the pyrotechnics
all over my jacket and pants.

Here goes.

One, two, three.
Badass.

[Man]
♪ Here I go again on my own ♪
[Groans]

Wow.
Yeah!

[Moaning]
Hey, man.

Do you still get the feeling
he wants to bang us?
Oh, yeah. Definitely.

That's what this
is all about, right?
I think so.

I think so.
Oh, yeah.

[Firecrackers Popping]

[Man]
♪ I've made up my mind ♪

♪ I ain't wasting
no more time ♪

♪ I'm just another heart
in need of rescue ♪

♪ Waiting on love's
sweet charity ♪

♪ And I'm gonna hold on
for the rest of my days ♪

♪ 'Cause I know
what it means ♪♪

[Voices Speaking Backwards]