All language subtitles for iCarly.2021.S03E02.WEBRip.x264-XEN0N

Hey... Carly.

Do you want a napkin
or perhaps

a vacuum to go
with all these crumbs?

No.

What I want is Freddie.

What I have is queso.

Eh...

Eh...

He made my knees buckle.

Do you know how that feels?

Girl, my knees have done things
your knees never will.

But that's not the point.

Look, Freddie has a girlfriend.

A girlfriend whose name I forget
every time I see her.

But a girlfriend nonetheless.

What apps are you on?

Oh, love applications?

I've heard those can leave
viruses on your phone.

You could stand to get
a few viruses,

'cause you're not
getting any from--

Freddie!

And you.

Sorry to barge in,

but can we steal
some brown yarn?

Oh, you guys are doing
yarn crafts now?

We're making a little Statue of
Liberty in the original copper.

Oh, I actually do have
copper-colored yarn.

Ah, yes. I knew
I could count on you,

my favorite crazy yarn lady.

Brown is fine.

Is anyone gonna tell Carly she
has cheese all over her face?

'Cause I am not close enough
with her.

Um, it's for my new character,
Captain American Cheese.

Uh, who fights crime with queso.

We'll talk about it
at our story meeting later.

Oh, um, we're gonna be
kind of busy

with this yarn thing
all afternoon.

Well, Carly is busy, too.

We just finished filling out
her new Sevens Only profile,

and I made her seem crazy.
Guys like that.

Oh, wow. So you're actively
looking for a...

gentleman caller?

Not necessarily.

Well, be careful, though.

A lot of those love applications

can leave viruses
on your phone.

I think that is
the perfect app for you.

You're absolutely a seven
in Seattle.

Thank you?

Yeah, I'm not just
on Sevens Only.

I downloaded
Nondenominational Mingle,

the Gorch List, Scraps...

This bitch.

Is that another app?
I'll download it.

No. I just got a text
from Tinsley.

Who's Tinsley?

And why do you say her name
like Madonna

when she was trying
to be British?

This girl I went
to boarding school with.

She just asked me to style her
for the Net Gala.

It's like the Met Gala
but with nets.

It's almost impossible
to get into.

Oh, because of the nets.

This girl tormented me
all through high school.

Now all of a sudden
she wants to give me a job

I desperately need?

Oh, she probably wants
to see you again

so she can rub it in your face
that you're poor now.

Exactly.
Thank you!

I want to say Squirrel.

I don't want to talk about it.

The Seattle Penny Pincher
gave him a bad review

on his last art piece.

Ooh, I hang out with
people who get reviews.

I feel like I'm on Entourage.

It says, "Spencer Shay
has become so ensconced

"in his one-percent bubble,
he's lost touch

with the average working man."

That is bull crap!

There's no one more average
than me.

I'm the Maroon 5 of people.

Comfort me!

Yay! I've already got
three matches.

Oh, wow. That was fast.

For an attractive woman
under 30?

That's actually terrible.

* I know *

* You see *

* Somehow the world
will change for me *

* And be so wonderful *

* So wake up
the members of my nation *

* It's your time to be *

* There's no chance
unless you take one *

* And the time to see
the brighter side *

* Of every situation *

* Some things are meant to be *

* So give your best
and leave the rest to me. *

So, how you feeling?

You ready to get under Teddy,
Eddie or Betty?

But if she rocks your world,
it is not my job

to unpack that with you.

Harper, I'm not gonna have
intercourse sex

with some scrap
off the Internet.

That's a scrap?

He looks like a whole damn meal.

That's him. But he was wearing
glasses in his profile.

I mean, who wears glasses
one minute

and then mysteriously doesn't
need 'em the next?

Superman?

Go meet your hot date
while I meet my hot bully.

Damn, she looks expensive.

Oh, Tinsley.

Mwah. Mwah.

Darling, I can see why
you hired me.

Are you going camping
after this?

You look fabulous.

Seems the headgear really
sorted everything out.

Didn't you hear?

I ditched the headgear
for a full skull replacement.

'Twas quite expensive, but not
for someone as rich as I,

what with all my
celebrity clientele.

Bey, Jay,
all of the Jennifers.

- All the Jennifers?
- Mm-hmm.

I would have thought
you'd be more selective.

Wait, so you build furniture?

Like Jesus or a young
Harrison Ford.

Yeah, I make tables, chairs,

stools, benches, desks.

Which are like tables,
but for office work.

End tables...

Well, I guess I know
who to call

the next time I go to IKEA.

But that's not building
furniture.

That's assembling furniture.

It was just a joke.

Oh, that's right, you said
you were a comedienne.

Tell me another joke,
now that I'm ready for it.

Well, I'm working on
this new sketch

called Captain American Cheese.

It's about the battle
between Gouda and evil.

So it's not like funny "ha-ha."

You really went nuts
at that farmers market.

I googled "regular people"
and "Sundays,"

and this is what came up.

Time for plan B.
If it's average Spencer

the people want,
then it's average Spencer

the people will get.

I'm gonna give away
enough of my money

so that I'm no longer
part of the one percent.

Wait, so plan A was:
get a lot of corn?

Well, you could always invest
in your old pal Freddie again.

I mean, this head
is full of ideas.

You know how it gets
colder at night?

Stop!

I wouldn't want
to burden you with wealth.

Money is an evil mistress,

and you're terrible with women.

- Well, as the father
of a daughter...
- Stop!

Freddie, that's not a bad idea.

Night pants?

No, that's a terrible idea,
but it's a good idea

to invest in a bad business.

That way I'm certain
to lose money.

But how are you gonna
find a business

that you know will fail?

Will you consult trend
forecasters or economists...

Stop!

I'm 11. I can find anything
on the Internet.

That's how we do.

If this goes well,
I'll be so broke next year,

I'll have to pay taxes.

So, how did it go with Tinsley?

Awful. In high school she
used to criticize everything.

My skin, too soft.
My yacht, too big.

My rendition of the Mouse King
in The Nutcracker,

too graceful.

Now all of a sudden,
she likes everything

I put in front of her.

She's up to something.

How did last night go
with Superman?

Was it a bird or a plane?

I didn't have intercourse sex
with some rando in an alley.

You had it in your bed?
Carly, he is a stranger.

I'm giving him one more chance,

but he's just not really
my type.

Tall and handsome?

Exactly. You know I like 'em
short and nerdy.

Greetings, fellow humans.

Hey, buddy.

What happened to you
this morning?

I thought we were gonna shoot
Taco Tina

doing her taco taxes.

She's trying to claim guac
as a dependent.

Sorry, no time to stop.

We're almost up to the brown
yarn crown on Lady Liberty.

Tomorrow we start knitting
the huddled masses

yarning to breathe free.

Well, it seems like
you made a little time

to pick up some Froyo
for you and your fro-ho.

Yeah, a little, uh, mint chip

for me
and my little mint chippie.

Mint chip? I thought you were
more of a coconut,

passion fruit,
peanut butter with gummy bears,

marshmallow sauce, bagel chips
kind of guy.

Yeah, Pearl saw the baby
Mr. Peanut commercial,

and now she doesn't feel like

peanut butter is vegetarian
enough.

Okay, well, I'm sure we'll get
to Taco Tina

when you're finished
with your yogurt.

- And your arts and crafts.
- Right.

And being a father to Millicent.

Hi, Carly.
Sorry I'm late.

Oh, hey, no problem.
The streets are a mess.

I hate winters in Seattle
with all the...

- Murder.
- What?

So, how's the Froyo here?

Well, I used to have
this favorite flavor

that I would always get because
I knew I could count on it,

but now I don't know
if I can count on him.

I mean it.

I know exactly what to do.

Sir, we'd like one
of everything.

Every flavor?
You'd do that for me?

We can find a new favorite
together.

I have a good feeling
about this one.

- Not that one.
- That is curdled.

Carly, don't take this
personally,

but I hate all your
contributions to our apartment.

My new guy made me a canoe.

Your new guy?

I told you to get under
somebody, not boo'd up.

And definitely not canoed up.

Wouldn't it be crazy if
I met my soulmate on Scraps?

Yes, that would be crazy.

Carly, you said he didn't get
any of your jokes.

Come on, Harper,
let me have this.

Whatever. Free canoe.

I bought a horrible business
so I can lose money

and feel regular.

You're both invited
to the opening.

Did you know you're in a canoe?

Did you know
you're dressed like

the president of
the Teletubbies?

This is my nap cape.

Maybe I shouldn't have been
so mean to Freddie

about those night pants.

If you want to seem average,

maybe consider
a different outfit.

And consider it I shall.
When next you see me,

I will present as
an "av-er-ahj."

I got to be out, too.

I'm meeting Tinsley
in my apartment.

- Wait, this is your apartment.
- Not today.

Welcome to my spacious,

purposely masculine condo.

Wow, it's like a house
inside a building

with other houses.

I can't wait to show you
these new looks,

of which I'm sure you'll
love every single one

with no ulterior motive.

Um, Spencer, what are you doing
in my apartment

on the one day I told you
not to be here?

Uh, Spencer? You mean John.

Most average name
in the U.S. of A.

And you know Harper because...

Oh, I'm her handyman.

I fix everything in this
fancy place of hers.

If it isn't the gold toilet,
it's the diamond bidet.

Fuggedaboudit!

Well, if everything's fixed,
you can go now, Johnny.

Okay, but before I go,
let me just say

all this art here,
it speaks to me,

the average man.

I go home to my plain
but loving wife

and my 2.5 kids--

also plain, not so loving--

I feel better about
my whole existence.

All because of this
100% relatable art.

Oh!

Oh, hey, Harper, remember,
my club opening is tonight.

- I'd love to see you there.
- Did you lose your accent?

Fuggedaboudit!

Sister Axe 2: Axe in the Habit.

You bought a Sister Act themed
axe-throwing bar?

Yup. I'm gonna lose
some real money on this one.

Oh, but until then, hey,
what better place

for a regular guy
to drink a beer?

* And throw an axe
for America. *

Millicent, where did you
get those?

My allowance, my business.

Oh, and when I'm axing,
don't call me Millicent.

Call me Minnesota Slim.

Hey, Carly.
Hey, Superman.

I call you Superman
because, well,

you've seen yourself
in a mirror?

I have.

Hey, uh, why don't you
go get yourself a drink

so we can talk about
how cute you are?

Yes, and.

After my second date
with Carly, I read

the Wikipedia page for comedy.

It's funny stuff.

Isn't Troy so sweet?

I've seen that Wikipedia page,
and it is long.

You almost got my face.

If Troy's so sweet,
why are you looking at

Freddie and Puddles?
Prune.

What is her name?

I'm looking because
I'm so happy for them.

But I'm even happier for me.

And to celebrate
our collective happiness,

I am going to march
right over there

and love Pearl's shoes.

- Carly, you wouldn't.
- But I would.

We both know what that means.

Yes. That I am comfortable--

nay, that I celebrate
their relationship

because I have moved on
to a celebratory relationship

of my own with
Harrison Jesus Ford.

Or it's a Trojan horse
of a compliment

meant to trick
your ex's new girlfriend

into thinking that you're
chill about them dating,

when really you are
dying inside.

Except I'm not dying inside
because in this situation

he is not my ex,
I legit love Pearl's shoes,

and I have never been so alive.

Now hold my purse!

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Carly.

Thanks for the yarn.
It saved our relationship.

I just came over to say...

I love your shoes.

You love my shoes?

That is so sweet of you, Carly.

And here, I told her
not to wear socks with sandals.

But I'm not a fashionista,
like you two.

Well, I am so glad
you didn't listen, Pearl,

because I love your shoes.

Carly!

Is this the big stack
of pancakes

who built you the canoe?

Guilty.

Wow, you actually showed up.

It's Saturday night,
and Rihanna's not free

'cause she's busy
with her "baby."

Who needs babies?
Get a puppy.

At least you can
put it in your purse.

My mother raised me
in a purse.

So, my guy, what do you
like building more,

tables or those muscles
you got?

Was that comedy?

Not really.

I feel like you just
made that weird.

What is your problem
with them dating?

No problem. I'm problem-free.

I got 99 problems,
but Carly ain't one.

- Oh, so I'm your 99 problems?
- No.

And neither is this situation.

I am comfortable with--

nay, I celebrate
Carly's new relationship.

Now hold my axe!

Hey, I think that
you are a great guy.

In fact, you know what?

I love your shoes.

Damn, I missed.

- What is with you two?
- There is no "us two."

I chose you.

Oh, did you?
No one told Pearl.

Pearl! With a "P."

I know what you're doing.

Loving my shoes is
a Trojan horse of a compliment

meant to trick me into thinking
you're chill

about me and Freddie when really
you are dying inside.

Damn, I called that
word for word.

You two are obsessed
with each other.

But ask yourselves,
when does Pearl

get to belly up
to the love buffet?

Pearl's hungry, too.

You know what?

You suck,

and you suck.

You definitely suck,

and you're, you're just mean.

I'm an acquired taste.

And you...

Oh, that is a hefty bun.

I'm sorry, Carly,

it's really important
that I be with

someone funny,
and what Pearl said was funny

because it's true.

Pearl's gonna eat tonight.

Uh, you can keep the canoe,
but don't get it wet.

I guess we're breakup buddies.

What is Troy's last name?

Canoe.

Yeah, it's not the same.

But now you'll have more time
for iCarly.

Really? I just got dumped
by my girlfriend of a year,

and you're thinking about
how it helps you?! Wow.

Freddie, wait.

So, I guess old Minnesota Slim's
gonna need a ride home.

25-cent beers.

I usually throw quarters
in the trash.

My child, your card has been
super declined.

Have a blessed day.

Ah, yes, that's just because
the minimum charge is $75,000.

Harper, please.

I wasn't born yesterday.

I've been out of the purse
for years.

You didn't get
a skull replacement,

and that handyman
is not from New York.

Oh, you talking to me?

Bodega.

You knew?

That's why you were pretending
to like everything.

You were a bully then,
and you're a bully now.

Gathering information
about my pathetic life

so you can tell everyone
that I have

a credit card with a limit.

What are you talking about?
I love your ideas.

And you bullied me.

You told the entire school
my Prada was a frauda.

You told the entire school
that my au pair

was from Wisconsin.

An au pair from Eau Claire?

How could I not dare?

You were such a bitch.

You were
such a bitch.

Well, guess what, I still am.

Well, guess what, so am I.

Wait, did you only hire me
because you wanted to kiss me

this whole time?

I can't believe it took you

this long to figure it out,
you stupid bitch.

Coconut-passion fruit-
peanut butter

with gummy bears, marshmallow
sauce, and bagel chips.

I know you're
a mint chip guy now,

but this used to always
cheer you up.

Thanks.

Mmm. Screw you, baby Mr. Peanut.

What do you want?

To apologize.

I'm listening.

I was being selfish.

I was just excited
to have my Freddie back

so we could make
Captain American Cheese

and do Taco Tina's...

You know, I think
before we do any of that,

we actually need
to listen to Pearl.

Freddie, the peanuts cannot
feel you eating them.

No.

Pearl was right
when she said that

we have an unhealthy
relationship.

What?!
We're so healthy.

I mean, my blood's, like,
12% cheese right now,

but come on, we're
Freddie and Carly.

Yeah, but now Carly and Freddie
are hurting other people

and each other.

I mean, we're a mess.
We got to fix it.

How?

Are we supposed to go back
to the way things were

when we were kids?

Uh, you mean

where I follow you around
like a puppy,

and you take me for granted?

No, thank you.

We got to figure out how
to be friends as adults.

Adult friends.

I can work with that.

I can work with anything

as long as we're still
Freddie and Carly.

It's Carly and Freddie.

Bye.

Hmm. That was weird.

I got to call my knee guy.

Damn you, gods!

Why have you cursed me
with unconditional success?!

Fuggedaboudit!

Johnny Cakes.

Mini Slim.

Spencer, I need a ride home.

Ooh!