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1
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:05,250
Ooh!
2
00:00:05,450 --> 00:00:08,850
Look, Freddie.
Spit-shined and ready to go.
3
00:00:09,050 --> 00:00:10,390
Wait.
4
00:00:13,910 --> 00:00:16,980
Just needed a little more spit.
5
00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:22,200
Ooh, is this one of
those edible arrangements?
6
00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:24,650
No.
7
00:00:25,490 --> 00:00:26,710
So, are you nervous?
8
00:00:28,370 --> 00:00:30,580
Does LeBron James get nervous
before the big game?
9
00:00:30,780 --> 00:00:33,210
Are you LeBron James
in this situation?
10
00:00:34,950 --> 00:00:37,720
I'm the one who convinced
these two to give it a shot,
11
00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:39,720
but you don't see
anyone giving me a diamond.
12
00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:42,420
Do you think
they'll give me a diamond?
13
00:00:42,620 --> 00:00:45,160
Oh, Millicent,
this isn't about you.
14
00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:46,490
Now let me stand to your right
15
00:00:46,690 --> 00:00:48,910
so I get my good side
in the pictures.
16
00:00:51,380 --> 00:00:52,920
Oh, I got it.
17
00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:58,700
Yes!
18
00:00:58,900 --> 00:01:00,940
It's covered
in my mother's spit.
19
00:01:01,140 --> 00:01:03,490
It really is.
20
00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:11,480
"Hello, Carly. We haven't spoken
in three weeks,
21
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,840
so let me just say
something weird to you."
22
00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:17,460
Uh, is this an intervention?
23
00:01:17,660 --> 00:01:19,090
Fine, Marissa.
24
00:01:19,290 --> 00:01:21,490
It is me eating your makeup,
25
00:01:21,690 --> 00:01:24,450
but I can stop any time I want!
26
00:01:25,710 --> 00:01:28,530
Lewbert Robinette
Patricia Sline...
27
00:01:28,730 --> 00:01:30,370
Robinette Patricia?
28
00:01:30,570 --> 00:01:32,910
I know. I love it.
29
00:01:33,110 --> 00:01:35,510
Lewbert, my Big Sline,
30
00:01:35,710 --> 00:01:38,380
- my Sline Ball.
- Uh...
31
00:01:38,580 --> 00:01:41,180
Will you make me the happiest
mother of Freddie on earth?
32
00:01:50,170 --> 00:01:51,260
Is that a no?
33
00:01:54,660 --> 00:01:56,100
I want what they have.
34
00:01:56,300 --> 00:01:57,760
- Do you?
- Not really.
35
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,550
Hey, Freddie...
36
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:03,700
- Oh, yay!
- Hi.
- Hi.
37
00:02:03,900 --> 00:02:06,140
Pearl's here!
Everybody, look!
38
00:02:06,340 --> 00:02:08,310
It's Pearl and she's here!
39
00:02:08,510 --> 00:02:10,630
A toast to Pearl!
40
00:02:12,030 --> 00:02:13,900
Who is here!
41
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:16,380
Ah.
42
00:02:16,580 --> 00:02:17,980
Thanks,
43
00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:21,400
- but Freddie is
all the toast that I need.
- Aw.
44
00:02:22,740 --> 00:02:25,610
These are both empty.
45
00:02:26,540 --> 00:02:28,830
I'm engaged!
46
00:02:29,030 --> 00:02:33,800
I'm gonna dig up my mom
and laugh in her face!
47
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,470
Aw, another couple
as happy as we are.
48
00:02:36,670 --> 00:02:37,770
Sad I missed it.
49
00:02:37,970 --> 00:02:39,910
Oh, hey, no prob,
I caught the whole thing.
50
00:02:40,110 --> 00:02:43,140
It looks like Freddie is
proposing to Carly.
51
00:02:43,340 --> 00:02:44,980
You want me to text it to you?
52
00:02:45,180 --> 00:02:46,780
If you had been here,
53
00:02:46,980 --> 00:02:49,550
you would have
laughed and laughed,
54
00:02:49,750 --> 00:02:52,070
or made the face
you're making right now.
55
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:54,620
* I know *
56
00:02:54,820 --> 00:02:56,260
* You see *
57
00:02:56,460 --> 00:02:58,620
* Somehow the worldwill change for me *
58
00:02:58,820 --> 00:03:01,890
* And be so wonderful *
59
00:03:02,090 --> 00:03:05,500
* So wake upthe members of my nation *
60
00:03:05,700 --> 00:03:07,700
* It's your time to be *
61
00:03:07,900 --> 00:03:10,700
* There's no chanceunless you take one *
62
00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:13,410
* And the time to seethe brighter side *
63
00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:16,710
* Of every situation *
64
00:03:16,910 --> 00:03:18,510
* Some things are meant to be *
65
00:03:18,710 --> 00:03:22,100
* So give me your bestand leave the rest to me. *
66
00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:29,460
So, what'll it be?
67
00:03:29,660 --> 00:03:32,690
Wine and crying,
or whiskey and light violence?
68
00:03:32,890 --> 00:03:34,560
You're sweet,
but it's just gonna be
69
00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:36,330
my regular nightly routine--
70
00:03:36,530 --> 00:03:38,000
drinking kombucha
from a wine glass
71
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:41,130
and watching videos of soldiers
reuniting with their dogs.
72
00:03:41,330 --> 00:03:42,600
I'm fine.
73
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,400
Really? 'Cause that was
more awkward than
74
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:47,140
when we had to tell Millicent
her goldfish moved to Canada
75
00:03:47,340 --> 00:03:48,590
for the health care.
76
00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:50,680
Which part?
77
00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:51,980
Almost proposing to Carly
78
00:03:52,180 --> 00:03:54,050
after not talking to her
for three weeks?
79
00:03:54,250 --> 00:03:56,110
My girlfriend walking in
right after?
80
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,320
My mom getting engaged to the
adult man I bullied as a child?
81
00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:04,420
Pearl outright refusing my offer
to text her that video?
82
00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:05,760
So, you and Carly
really didn't talk
83
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,360
the entire time you were gone?
84
00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:08,890
Of course we didn't.
85
00:04:09,090 --> 00:04:11,730
He was on
a super romantic road trip.
86
00:04:11,930 --> 00:04:13,430
With my girlfriend.
87
00:04:13,630 --> 00:04:15,100
Pearl thought
Carly and I were in love,
88
00:04:15,300 --> 00:04:17,500
and I want it to work
with Pearl, so I said,
89
00:04:17,700 --> 00:04:19,410
"Let's get in the car
and just drive."
90
00:04:19,610 --> 00:04:22,440
- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- You know, spontaneous,
romantic.
91
00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:23,810
A logistical nightmare.
92
00:04:24,010 --> 00:04:25,980
Who's driving?
Where are you staying?
93
00:04:26,180 --> 00:04:29,200
How long are you milking
one pair of underwear?
94
00:04:30,700 --> 00:04:32,590
It was just what we needed.
95
00:04:32,790 --> 00:04:35,750
That and couples therapy
four times a week.
96
00:04:35,950 --> 00:04:38,870
Mm. I can't do therapy.
Too smart for it.
97
00:04:40,540 --> 00:04:41,930
They're so committed.
98
00:04:42,130 --> 00:04:44,800
I mean, paying $200 an hour
to someone who knows
99
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,000
what the problem is
but refuses to tell you?
100
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:48,600
Freddie and Pearl are thriving.
101
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,800
Okay, but what about
Freddie and Carly?
102
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,740
When he ran after Pearl
on his birthday,
103
00:04:53,940 --> 00:04:56,660
you waited up for him
all night, crying.
104
00:04:57,630 --> 00:04:58,880
I was watching a sad movie.
105
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:00,930
The sad movie was your life.
106
00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:05,720
Fine. You know,
I was upset that night.
107
00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,550
I wanted a conversation.
108
00:05:07,750 --> 00:05:11,760
And instead,
I got a text two days later.
109
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:15,130
"Hit the open road with my lady.
Talk soon?"
110
00:05:15,330 --> 00:05:18,080
Stalk of wheat emoji.
111
00:05:18,850 --> 00:05:20,570
A perfect text.
112
00:05:20,770 --> 00:05:22,280
Stalk of wheat means impotence.
113
00:05:24,650 --> 00:05:25,940
So, that's it.
114
00:05:26,140 --> 00:05:27,410
No part of you thinks
that you're into Freddie?
115
00:05:27,610 --> 00:05:28,870
Well, that's the thing.
116
00:05:29,070 --> 00:05:30,880
You know, I shouldn't have to
think about it.
117
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,410
I want someone
that I am crazy about.
118
00:05:33,610 --> 00:05:35,080
Someone that makes
my knees buckle.
119
00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:38,020
I just wish she'd stop running
away from the conversation.
120
00:05:38,220 --> 00:05:40,420
You drove through six states and
three sovereign indigenous areas
121
00:05:40,620 --> 00:05:41,750
in the same pair of underwear
122
00:05:41,950 --> 00:05:44,040
to get away from
that exact conversation.
123
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:47,230
Well, he's back now.
You guys can talk.
124
00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:50,400
And I so want to do that,
125
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,000
but I can't.
126
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:54,070
Not everybody has time
to just go gallivanting
127
00:05:54,270 --> 00:05:57,770
across the Pacific Northwest
like some GD Sasquatch.
128
00:05:57,970 --> 00:06:00,010
I'm too busy
with my new project.
129
00:06:00,210 --> 00:06:03,780
And if that project is real,
I'm very happy for you.
130
00:06:03,980 --> 00:06:06,730
Oh, it's real.
131
00:06:08,030 --> 00:06:10,680
Paul, I need a new project.
132
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,640
A real one.
133
00:06:15,140 --> 00:06:19,360
An outdoor Las Vegas wedding
in August at high noon?
134
00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:21,430
What a dream!
135
00:06:21,630 --> 00:06:24,330
We were considering Hawaii, but
there's just something classy
136
00:06:24,530 --> 00:06:27,030
about a place where
you can smoke in church.
137
00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:30,740
- Your Uber's here, lemon peel.
- Oh.
138
00:06:30,940 --> 00:06:34,240
I use Marissa's account
since my rating is a 0.3.
139
00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:37,780
They're literally allowed
to leave me anywhere.
140
00:06:37,980 --> 00:06:40,730
You will always have five stars
with this girl.
141
00:06:41,900 --> 00:06:43,420
It's sweet to see you so excited
142
00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:47,250
for their outdoor high noon
Las Vegas-- Wait a minute.
143
00:06:47,450 --> 00:06:50,120
I happened to hack into
Grandma B's email
144
00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:52,830
and saw who she's considering
for maid of honor.
145
00:06:53,030 --> 00:06:54,490
Danica from book club.
146
00:06:54,690 --> 00:06:56,060
Wait, which Danica?
147
00:06:56,260 --> 00:06:57,700
The Danica who thought
Lean In was too sexy,
148
00:06:57,900 --> 00:06:59,570
or the Danica
who never takes off her beret?
149
00:06:59,770 --> 00:07:01,900
- Beret.
- Oh, Danica.
150
00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:03,800
Wait,
have you hacked into my email?
151
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,690
No, I respect you too much.
Wink.
152
00:07:09,290 --> 00:07:11,610
Don't feel bad. Danica's been
a maid of honor before,
153
00:07:11,810 --> 00:07:14,050
and those dogs are still
together.
154
00:07:14,250 --> 00:07:15,880
Are you saying
all I have to do is
155
00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:17,920
prove I'll be a better
maid of honor for Grandma B,
156
00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:19,180
and the gig is mine?
157
00:07:19,380 --> 00:07:21,140
You know I'm not.
158
00:07:25,770 --> 00:07:29,190
So glad I got to meet up with
my favorite client in person.
159
00:07:29,390 --> 00:07:30,760
You know, on the phone,
it's all business.
160
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:32,330
If I don't get a new project
immediately,
161
00:07:32,530 --> 00:07:35,420
I am going to
burn this city to the ground.
162
00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:39,050
My cat's surgery went great.
Thanks for asking.
163
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,770
- How about TV?
- I don't know.
164
00:07:41,970 --> 00:07:44,840
The last time I did a TV show,
I got replaced by a dinosaur.
165
00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:46,850
Well, kids love dinosaurs.
166
00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:48,580
This would be reality TV,
so it'll be real.
167
00:07:48,780 --> 00:07:51,250
Networks are hot for shows
about content creators.
168
00:07:51,450 --> 00:07:52,920
They figure
your followers will watch it.
169
00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:54,490
They won't, but who cares?
170
00:07:54,690 --> 00:07:56,390
We'll already have the cash.
171
00:07:56,590 --> 00:08:00,160
As long as I have total control
but people still like me.
172
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:03,030
I want to be an absolute boss
in a fun way.
173
00:08:03,230 --> 00:08:06,630
Like "Go ahead, wear jeans
on Fridays, but fear me."
174
00:08:06,830 --> 00:08:09,700
Bully me, queen.
175
00:08:09,900 --> 00:08:11,240
First thing we need is a hook,
176
00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:13,270
like how the D'Amelios
are sisters,
177
00:08:13,470 --> 00:08:15,770
or how the Kardashians
are sisters.
178
00:08:15,970 --> 00:08:17,810
Well, I guess
the hook is a sister.
179
00:08:18,010 --> 00:08:19,780
I only have a brother.
180
00:08:19,980 --> 00:08:21,680
Oh, right, Spencer.
181
00:08:21,880 --> 00:08:23,930
No.
182
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,550
You know who might make
good TV? Freddie.
183
00:08:27,750 --> 00:08:30,990
Freddie? Freddie Benson?
184
00:08:31,190 --> 00:08:32,530
Fredward "Freduccini" Benson?
185
00:08:32,730 --> 00:08:35,340
The neighbor boy who does
the five, four, three, two?
186
00:08:36,610 --> 00:08:38,330
Oh, I think I know
what's going on.
187
00:08:38,530 --> 00:08:41,230
Five, four, three, two,
you're smashing.
188
00:08:41,430 --> 00:08:44,000
What? No!
Freddie has a girlfriend.
189
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,540
Presumably they're smashing.
190
00:08:46,740 --> 00:08:48,370
Oh, so it's a love triangle?
191
00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:50,280
Because that's a hook.
192
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:52,180
Amore triangula.
193
00:08:52,380 --> 00:08:54,980
Except there is no triangle.
194
00:08:55,180 --> 00:08:58,020
There's a love line
between Freddie and Pearl.
195
00:08:58,220 --> 00:09:00,690
He and I are a squiggle at best.
196
00:09:00,890 --> 00:09:03,390
A squiggle.
We're gonna win an Emmy!
197
00:09:03,590 --> 00:09:05,340
Whoo!
198
00:09:06,310 --> 00:09:09,630
Look, I am gonna bring
so much drama,
199
00:09:09,830 --> 00:09:12,360
you're not gonna even care
that Freddie's girlfriend
200
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:14,500
accused us of being in love.
201
00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:17,320
Not that that happened.
202
00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:20,560
Amore triangula.
203
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,350
You, latte me,
you, fix the lighting,
204
00:09:29,550 --> 00:09:32,750
and you, call my grandmother
and you tell her to apologize.
205
00:09:32,950 --> 00:09:35,600
She knows what she did.
206
00:09:38,740 --> 00:09:40,490
Carly! You look great.
207
00:09:40,690 --> 00:09:42,030
Very natural.
208
00:09:42,230 --> 00:09:43,530
I know, right?
209
00:09:43,730 --> 00:09:46,030
Rumor has it,
my ponytail belonged to
210
00:09:46,230 --> 00:09:48,450
Queen Elizabeth's horse.
211
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:50,940
The real star has arrived!
212
00:09:51,140 --> 00:09:53,170
Somebody get me a director's
chair, a green juice
213
00:09:53,370 --> 00:09:55,170
and a PA to scream at!
214
00:09:55,370 --> 00:09:57,040
Hey, excuse me,
terrifying woman.
215
00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,240
Do you know
where I can find Ms. Carly Shay?
216
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:00,750
I'm right here.
217
00:10:00,950 --> 00:10:04,280
I'm just disguised
under this blanket of luxury.
218
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:05,920
Do I need to get into costume?
219
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:07,920
PA, luxury blanket! Now!
220
00:10:08,120 --> 00:10:12,060
Spencer, I don't know
how to tell you this, so...
221
00:10:12,260 --> 00:10:14,040
I'm gonna make Paul do it.
222
00:10:15,340 --> 00:10:16,600
You've been recast.
223
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,960
Hi, Carly! It's me, Sunny!
224
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,370
You threw up on me
at hot bitch yoga?
225
00:10:21,570 --> 00:10:24,470
We nearly beat a man to death
together?
226
00:10:24,670 --> 00:10:26,300
We're sisters and best friends?
227
00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:29,470
Oh, yes, our fun,
sisterly memories
228
00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:32,090
of assault and bodily fluids.
229
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:35,480
I ran a very routine DNA test,
230
00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:38,320
and it turns out
Sunny is Carly's 11th cousin.
231
00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:39,750
But since she has
a massive following,
232
00:10:39,950 --> 00:10:41,150
we're rounding up to sister.
233
00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:42,890
If we're gonna be sisters,
234
00:10:43,090 --> 00:10:44,760
we should figure out
who's older.
235
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:47,640
My filler guy and I
were thinking you.
236
00:10:48,580 --> 00:10:49,860
But I already told a woman
237
00:10:50,060 --> 00:10:51,960
I want to sleep with
that I'm on this show.
238
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:53,700
I also told her
that I'm Dax Shepard,
239
00:10:53,900 --> 00:10:55,570
and I don't want to lie
to her twice.
240
00:10:55,770 --> 00:10:57,370
I'm sorry, Spencer.
241
00:10:57,570 --> 00:10:59,370
I'm not.
That's showbiz, baby.
242
00:10:59,570 --> 00:11:01,370
Okay, you know what you do need?
A host.
243
00:11:01,570 --> 00:11:04,040
- That's me. I'm the host.
- This show doesn't have a host.
244
00:11:04,240 --> 00:11:05,610
Next up on House of Shay,
245
00:11:05,810 --> 00:11:08,530
Paul shuts up
and admits he was wrong.
246
00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:13,690
Wow.
I am feeling good about this.
247
00:11:13,890 --> 00:11:15,520
I mean, we got a sister.
248
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:17,390
We got my literal ponytail.
249
00:11:17,590 --> 00:11:19,730
We got an unqualified
white male host.
250
00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:22,330
Yeah, and we've always got
the amore...
251
00:11:22,530 --> 00:11:23,810
No, don't say it.
252
00:11:24,780 --> 00:11:26,160
There's no need for it.
253
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,500
Sunny and I are gonna
rip each other to shreds.
254
00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:31,800
Actually, I'm pivoting away
from "fighting."
255
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:34,010
I learned to channel
my difficult emotions
256
00:11:34,210 --> 00:11:37,110
into reading YA fantasy novels
to the blind.
257
00:11:37,310 --> 00:11:38,630
I do all the voices.
258
00:11:39,430 --> 00:11:42,830
Welcome to Troll Crossing.
259
00:11:47,170 --> 00:11:50,790
Hey, thanks for organizing this
suspiciously elaborate luncheon.
260
00:11:50,990 --> 00:11:52,960
- It's the least I could do.
- Hmm.
261
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:55,160
Welcome to the family,
Mr. Sline.
262
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:56,390
Or should I say Pop-Pop?
263
00:12:00,250 --> 00:12:03,170
It'll be nice to have a strong
male role model in my life.
264
00:12:03,370 --> 00:12:05,990
I taught you how to hunt.
265
00:12:07,190 --> 00:12:08,810
This is all so fancy.
266
00:12:09,010 --> 00:12:12,590
These are the kind of plates
you use again.
267
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:15,950
Oh, no, my fun blouse!
268
00:12:16,150 --> 00:12:18,650
Would you like me to
lick it off, orange rind?
269
00:12:18,850 --> 00:12:20,420
No need for that, Pop-Pop.
270
00:12:20,620 --> 00:12:22,490
I have a stain remover
right here.
271
00:12:22,690 --> 00:12:24,290
I also have a lint roller,
a sewing kit
272
00:12:24,490 --> 00:12:27,330
and your favorite shade of
medicated ChapStick.
273
00:12:27,530 --> 00:12:29,180
Clear.
274
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:31,900
Hey, those are all things
275
00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:33,600
a maid of honor would have
at a wedding.
276
00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:35,830
You haven't picked one out yet,
have you?
277
00:12:36,030 --> 00:12:39,250
Oh.
278
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,670
Don't you think
forcing the conversation
279
00:12:41,870 --> 00:12:43,680
before she's ready
will do more harm than good?
280
00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,580
Don't you think you're confusing
my thing with Granny
281
00:12:45,780 --> 00:12:48,130
and your thing with Carly?
282
00:12:52,170 --> 00:12:56,190
You have to kiss a lot of frogs
before you can find your prince.
283
00:12:56,390 --> 00:12:58,160
And let me tell you,
Grandma B spent
284
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,790
a lot of time in the swamp.
285
00:13:00,990 --> 00:13:02,780
Pause for laughter.
286
00:13:04,930 --> 00:13:07,570
Oh, it's Danica from book club.
287
00:13:07,770 --> 00:13:11,100
She put her beret in the dryer,
and now it's way too small!
288
00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:12,740
Can she give it
to her pet mouse?
289
00:13:12,940 --> 00:13:15,440
No, you know Julien hates hats.
290
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:17,030
She needs us.
291
00:13:19,430 --> 00:13:22,260
I never should have paused
for laughter.
292
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:27,420
Welcome back to
the most dramatic episode
293
00:13:27,620 --> 00:13:29,090
of any show ever.
294
00:13:29,290 --> 00:13:32,320
Still in play are
two immunity idols, four roses,
295
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,590
and a lip sync for your life.
296
00:13:34,790 --> 00:13:37,350
And it all starts... now.
297
00:13:38,410 --> 00:13:41,830
Okay, uh, Carly, Sunny,
let's try this yet again.
298
00:13:42,030 --> 00:13:45,400
I need some real conflict. Okay?
299
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:47,620
Okay.
300
00:13:49,820 --> 00:13:51,980
You ate the last of
the peanut butter
301
00:13:52,180 --> 00:13:54,010
and then put the jar
back in the cabinet.
302
00:13:54,210 --> 00:13:57,680
So I thought there was more,
but there wasn't!
303
00:13:57,880 --> 00:14:00,190
Oh, do we live together?
304
00:14:00,390 --> 00:14:01,870
That's fun.
305
00:14:03,170 --> 00:14:05,360
Sunny, no, we need more drama.
306
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:07,460
You know what?
Wh-Why don't you just hit me
307
00:14:07,660 --> 00:14:08,760
one time, real quick.
308
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:11,060
Oh, I'll hit you,
with some character work.
309
00:14:11,260 --> 00:14:14,120
Greetings from Troll Crossing.
310
00:14:15,450 --> 00:14:17,540
Oh, this is nothing.
311
00:14:17,740 --> 00:14:19,170
Cut!
312
00:14:19,370 --> 00:14:24,140
That was everything
I look for in reality TV.
313
00:14:24,340 --> 00:14:29,330
I mean, peanut butter larceny,
roommates, that voice.
314
00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:32,770
I wanted more troll.
315
00:14:33,870 --> 00:14:35,290
It's not working. Look.
316
00:14:35,490 --> 00:14:37,320
You know what every reality show
has that we're missing?
317
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,540
Writers, wine throwing,
Andy Cohen?
318
00:14:41,410 --> 00:14:42,660
Don't you dare
shift those fingers.
319
00:14:42,860 --> 00:14:44,130
Don't you shift them!
320
00:14:44,330 --> 00:14:45,500
- Don't.
- It's bigger than
the both of us.
321
00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:47,350
Oh!
322
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,140
Look, Paul.
323
00:14:50,340 --> 00:14:52,300
I don't have feelings
for Freddie,
324
00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:54,440
but it's complicated.
325
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:57,040
You know, I don't know much
about friendship squiggles
326
00:14:57,240 --> 00:14:59,960
or sex rhombuses, but...
327
00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:03,400
Amore triangula.
328
00:15:09,770 --> 00:15:13,230
Look, the road trippers
finally made the trip to set.
329
00:15:13,430 --> 00:15:16,860
I also have a fulfilling life.
330
00:15:17,060 --> 00:15:18,930
I was surprised
you're doing another TV show.
331
00:15:19,130 --> 00:15:21,430
Last time,
you got replaced by a dinosaur.
332
00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:23,270
Oh, kids love dinosaurs.
333
00:15:23,470 --> 00:15:25,820
Love me.
334
00:15:26,650 --> 00:15:28,070
That was a dinosaur.
335
00:15:28,270 --> 00:15:31,810
So, you two sure you want to be
on my reality show?
336
00:15:32,010 --> 00:15:35,150
Yes. We had an emergency session
with Dr. Susan,
337
00:15:35,350 --> 00:15:36,810
during which I told Freddie,
338
00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:39,380
"If you're sure you have no
feelings for Carly whatsoever,
339
00:15:39,580 --> 00:15:41,050
"we should do the show.
340
00:15:41,250 --> 00:15:43,360
"And any scene I'm not in,
I'll sit on the side
341
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:46,070
with my arms crossed,
watching closely."
342
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:49,830
To which I replied,
"How can I say no?"
343
00:15:50,030 --> 00:15:54,370
Do I get $200 an hour
for listening to that story?
344
00:15:54,570 --> 00:15:57,450
Fun.
345
00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:00,970
Is it too late to replace me
with a dinosaur?
346
00:16:01,170 --> 00:16:02,070
I'm on it?
347
00:16:02,270 --> 00:16:03,780
But until then,
348
00:16:03,980 --> 00:16:08,450
I have got a fun and relaxing
activity for you all to enjoy.
349
00:16:08,650 --> 00:16:11,070
Aerial silking!
350
00:16:13,300 --> 00:16:15,090
I do not feel relaxed!
351
00:16:15,290 --> 00:16:16,550
Perfect, perfect.
352
00:16:16,750 --> 00:16:18,860
Use that anxiety
to fuel your confrontation
353
00:16:19,060 --> 00:16:21,060
at the dramatic height
of two to three feet.
354
00:16:21,260 --> 00:16:23,200
Can I get a helmet?
355
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:25,260
Can you make that two?
356
00:16:25,460 --> 00:16:27,080
Freddie, I'm flying!
357
00:16:28,380 --> 00:16:30,070
She's very flexible.
358
00:16:30,270 --> 00:16:31,870
Triple-jointed elbows.
359
00:16:32,070 --> 00:16:35,020
Oh, yeah? Watch this.
360
00:16:43,200 --> 00:16:45,850
Carly, don't worry about
the actual silking.
361
00:16:46,050 --> 00:16:47,820
Uh, worry about being alone
forever
362
00:16:48,020 --> 00:16:51,320
because Freddie refuses
to speak to you. Wow.
363
00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:53,710
Is that what she told you?
364
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:57,500
Why did no one fetch me
from my trailer
365
00:16:57,700 --> 00:17:00,030
that should have been provided?
I am the host.
366
00:17:00,230 --> 00:17:01,500
There's no host.
367
00:17:01,700 --> 00:17:05,000
Our first twist is a twist.
368
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:06,400
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
369
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,270
Dude, no, no!
370
00:17:08,470 --> 00:17:10,880
Oh, God! I may not survive this!
371
00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:13,050
Aah! I need a Dramamine!
372
00:17:13,250 --> 00:17:15,850
I was Peter Pan off Broadway.
373
00:17:16,050 --> 00:17:17,720
Hey, Freddie.
Freddie, Freddie, Freddie.
374
00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:20,350
Do you know what Carly's been
saying about you? I do.
375
00:17:20,550 --> 00:17:22,750
Because I've got the receipts.
376
00:17:22,950 --> 00:17:25,720
- Those are from CVS.
- I know, but I used them
to write down
377
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:28,060
everything you told me
the other day.
378
00:17:28,260 --> 00:17:29,130
Here we go, here we go.
379
00:17:29,330 --> 00:17:30,500
Um...
380
00:17:30,700 --> 00:17:32,300
Pearl could tell
you and Carly were in love.
381
00:17:32,500 --> 00:17:34,830
You went after Pearl while Carly
waited up all night for you,
382
00:17:35,030 --> 00:17:37,570
crying her eyes out...
383
00:17:37,770 --> 00:17:40,240
Oh, my...
384
00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:42,470
That's going on the sizzle reel.
385
00:17:42,670 --> 00:17:45,790
Let's do it again,
but this time tackle Pearl.
386
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:49,110
I am done with this.
387
00:17:49,310 --> 00:17:51,280
But...
388
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:54,770
But I am keeping the ponytail.
389
00:18:00,430 --> 00:18:03,210
Okay, fine. I'll play Carly.
390
00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:08,570
Hey, Milli-Vanil.
391
00:18:08,770 --> 00:18:10,000
You doing okay?
392
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,740
Grandma B officially chose
her maid of honor,
393
00:18:12,940 --> 00:18:16,270
and it's Danica, from book club.
394
00:18:16,470 --> 00:18:18,210
With the beret.
395
00:18:18,410 --> 00:18:21,050
Hey, your grandmother
worships you, okay?
396
00:18:21,250 --> 00:18:22,950
You are going to be
part of her wedding.
397
00:18:23,150 --> 00:18:25,380
Don't tell me
I'm gonna be an usher.
398
00:18:25,580 --> 00:18:27,520
I will accept DJ or higher.
399
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,690
Relationships aren't
about titles.
400
00:18:29,890 --> 00:18:31,520
They're about being there
for each other.
401
00:18:31,720 --> 00:18:33,530
Even when they make
questionable choices?
402
00:18:33,730 --> 00:18:35,290
Even when you're dangling
from the ceiling
403
00:18:35,490 --> 00:18:38,560
- with a silk so far up
your butt that you...
- I beg you.
404
00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:40,620
Have secrets.
405
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:44,640
Millicent, we have something
we wanted to ask you.
406
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:46,900
* There's a girl living here *
407
00:18:47,100 --> 00:18:48,810
* That we always hold dear *
408
00:18:49,010 --> 00:18:51,880
* Good old Millicent *
409
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:54,280
Is this happening?
Did Danica die?
410
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:57,720
* Such grit and such fight,sweet as Turkish delight *
411
00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,690
* She's good old Millicent *
412
00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:04,490
* The virtues that we extol *
413
00:19:04,690 --> 00:19:07,730
* Deserve a starring role *
414
00:19:07,930 --> 00:19:13,000
* Will you please,please marry us? *
415
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:14,300
Be your officiant?
416
00:19:14,500 --> 00:19:17,620
Yes! That's, like,
higher than the bride!
417
00:19:20,020 --> 00:19:23,760
And then I tackled Paul
to the ground.
418
00:19:24,660 --> 00:19:26,840
In a cool way?
419
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:28,250
No.
420
00:19:30,110 --> 00:19:32,780
Hey, Carly, um...
421
00:19:32,980 --> 00:19:34,350
can we finally talk?
422
00:19:34,550 --> 00:19:39,190
- Oh, I'd love to,
but, uh, Harper is--
- Bye.
423
00:19:39,390 --> 00:19:41,040
A terrible friend.
424
00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:45,330
What do you want to talk about?
425
00:19:45,530 --> 00:19:47,130
How bananas are going extinct?
426
00:19:47,330 --> 00:19:49,070
What's gonna happen
to smoothies?
427
00:19:49,270 --> 00:19:51,140
- I know some people like to
put almonds in it, so...
- Um...
428
00:19:51,340 --> 00:19:54,870
How about why
you flying-tackled Paul?
429
00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:58,860
I guess
that's a good topic, too.
430
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:03,550
I did wait up for you
that night,
431
00:20:03,750 --> 00:20:06,050
but then you went off
with Pearl,
432
00:20:06,250 --> 00:20:09,320
and things are going so great
with you guys,
433
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:12,420
I just thought, you know,
maybe we don't need to talk.
434
00:20:12,620 --> 00:20:16,230
Maybe we could just go back
to being Freddie and Carly.
435
00:20:16,430 --> 00:20:17,860
So I...
436
00:20:18,060 --> 00:20:21,300
Created a whole-ass reality show
just to avoid talking to me?
437
00:20:21,500 --> 00:20:23,820
Just as any normal person would.
438
00:20:26,990 --> 00:20:29,070
Look, I'll admit it.
439
00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:31,340
Over the years,
I've thought about
440
00:20:31,540 --> 00:20:33,910
whether we should be together.
441
00:20:34,110 --> 00:20:35,810
And thought about it...
442
00:20:36,010 --> 00:20:39,670
And thought about it
and thought about it.
443
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:42,290
But you shouldn't have to
think about it.
444
00:20:42,490 --> 00:20:43,970
Exactly.
445
00:20:44,770 --> 00:20:46,760
And...
446
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,090
you know what I never
have to think about?
447
00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:51,710
Being Carly and Freddie.
448
00:20:53,110 --> 00:20:54,530
I know.
449
00:20:54,730 --> 00:20:56,100
It's the best.
450
00:20:59,020 --> 00:21:00,640
Shoot, I got to go.
451
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:02,970
Uh, Pearl is legit
about to join the circus.
452
00:21:03,170 --> 00:21:05,380
And she could.
453
00:21:05,580 --> 00:21:07,480
Pearl T. Barnum over here.
454
00:21:09,150 --> 00:21:12,020
Well, thanks for
doing the show today.
455
00:21:12,220 --> 00:21:14,350
Or should I thank Dr. Susan?
456
00:21:14,550 --> 00:21:16,450
Of course.
457
00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:18,190
Paul said
it was important to you.
458
00:21:18,390 --> 00:21:22,960
And no matter what awkward phase
of Carly-Freddie-dom we're in,
459
00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:26,300
no matter who we're dating
or how little we know
460
00:21:26,500 --> 00:21:28,870
about what we're signing up for,
461
00:21:29,070 --> 00:21:32,170
I am always gonna be there
for you.
462
00:21:32,370 --> 00:21:33,740
I promise.
463
00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:40,910
How does a leotard cost $7,000?
464
00:21:41,110 --> 00:21:43,950
I got to go,
but, hey, look at us.
465
00:21:44,150 --> 00:21:46,650
We did it, we're talking, huh?
Go us!
466
00:21:46,850 --> 00:21:48,400
Okay, bye.
467
00:21:51,490 --> 00:21:53,460
Did your knees...?
468
00:21:53,660 --> 00:21:55,930
Yeah. They did. I buckled.
469
00:21:56,130 --> 00:21:59,800
Wine and crying,
or whiskey and light violence?
470
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:01,450
All of the above.
471
00:22:05,820 --> 00:22:08,140
Carly Shay is an influencer.
472
00:22:08,340 --> 00:22:10,270
I'm under this blanket
of luxury.
473
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:12,240
She's relatable to all women.
474
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:14,180
Love me.
475
00:22:14,380 --> 00:22:16,880
She and her attractive,successful siblings...
476
00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:18,350
She knows what she did.
477
00:22:18,550 --> 00:22:20,450
Welcome to Troll Crossing.
478
00:22:20,650 --> 00:22:23,760
...plagued by hangers-on,desperate to get on TV.
479
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:25,290
Why did no one fetch me?
480
00:22:25,490 --> 00:22:26,290
I'm Dax Shepard.
481
00:22:26,490 --> 00:22:27,590
Will she ditch the losers
482
00:22:27,790 --> 00:22:29,790
and tackle her insecurities?
483
00:22:29,990 --> 00:22:32,350
All this on House of Shay.
484
00:22:33,820 --> 00:22:36,250
I didn't know
it was gonna be that bad.
485
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:40,640
Or that Paul was gonna
recast himself as my brother.
486
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:43,830
I love it.
487
00:22:44,530 --> 00:22:46,190
Dax Shepard's gonna say he's me.
488
00:22:47,060 --> 00:22:48,250
Every network passed.
489
00:22:48,450 --> 00:22:50,100
Ah, makes sense.
490
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:22,830
Ooh.
35759
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