All language subtitles for Ghosts S02 E21-e

As I said on the phone,
I'm Spencer Magnussen Cooke,

the new editor of
the Ulster County Review.

Well, it's a pleasure
to meet you, Spencer.

So what happened to Lewis,
if you don't mind me asking?

Screen-sharing incident.

He's now in rehab
for porn addiction.

He, uh, wanted to spend more
time with his family.

Uh, now, let us talk
about your podcast.

- I love it.
- He hates it.

Unfortunately,
for budgetary reasons,

we are canceling it.

But we're in the middle
of the season.

We haven't solved
Alberta's murder yet.

Look, we don't want to leave
the fans hanging, so...

I am going to give you
one final episode

to wrap things up.

But it has to be posted
by tomorrow.

What? Why tomorrow?

He's flexing his power,
he has a sad home life.

Tax reasons, it's complicated.

Okay, so I guess I have one day
to solve Alberta's murder.

Thanks for coming in.

He didn't wash his hands
after he went to the bathroom.

Hey, guys. What's going on?

I'm helping Pete
check his email.

Pete, you have email?

I-I don't use it
to contact anyone.

The creep factor for getting
an email from a dead person

is unfortunately pretty high.

Sure.

But if you sign up at
the Reader's Digest website,

they send you
a free joke every day.

Hey, hey, Flower, uh...

what did the buffalo say when he
dropped his kid off at school?

"Don't get in any vans"?

No. He-he said "bison."

Get it? Like "Bye, son"?

So he just said bye?

Ah, jiminy. I guess it's
more of a written thing.

Here, just look.

Whoa, Pete,

you just got another email.

Bonus joke?

Man, the good folks
at Reader's Digest

will just not rest.

No, it's from...

Prince Jones Dimka?

His eminency of
the Republic of Nigeria?

A prince, emailing me?

"Urgent matter,
open immediately."

Easier said than done.

Ah.

"Dear Pete Martino,
it is with great urgency

that I write to you from
a penal colony on Snake Island."

Oh, my God.

This prince needs our help.

This is the murder board.

This is what he's been
doing all day?

So, this took eight hours, Jay?

It took a long time
to find red string.

Target was closed,
Michael's was all out.

And, honestly, I kind of
just lost track of time

in the Yarn Barn.
That place is amazing.

Man, seeing all this laid out
in one place like this,

really takes me back
to that night.

I was invited to perform at
a party at Woodstone Mansion.

It was New Year's Eve.

The joint was jumping. Ha-ha!

Folks were getting zozzled.

I was working the crowd

and my bootlegger boyfriend
was haggling with the homeowner

over payment
for the night's booze.

Swinging party, Thomas.

Yes. Let's get you a drink.

Hetty, your son throw better
party than you used to.

Oh, of course, everyone's
in the mood to celebrate.

The stock market is roaring
and there's no end in sight.

1929 is sure to be
the greatest year yet.

Mm. Woodstone driving
a hard bargain?

Yeah, he's trying to change
the terms of our arrangement.

After tonight,
- I'm done with him.
- Mm.

You know what I'm done with?

These uncomfortable-ass shoes.

The price we pay
for fashion, Earl.

Oh, baby, it's just
for a few hours.

And besides...

you look great.

Mm. How great?

So great.

- All right, here we go.
- Indeed.

Wouldn't mind
watching him go at it.

Them, I said them.

Sorry, baby, that'll have
to wait till later.

I got this one thing
to take care of,

but I'll see you
after the next set.

Mm. Putting on
those uncomfortable shoes

was my first mistake.

I was about to make my second.

Somebody had left me a present.

Hmm. "Good luck"?

I don't need luck.

But I do love booze.

So you just...

drink alcohol even though
no idea who gave it to you?

And you just traipsed through
a field wearing a metal helmet

during a lightning storm?

What's your point, Thor?
We all got here somehow.

So, we know that the bottle of
booze was laced with strychnine.

Now, let's go over
the murder suspects.

Theresa, Alberta's sister,
who was there that night

as a member
of Alberta's entourage.

The note that we found

in the bootlegged whiskey
in the wall says,

"My dearest Earl, I can't
wait for us to be together,

once we get rid
of you-know-who,"

signed "T." T for Theresa?

Could be.

We also know that shortly
after Alberta's death,

Theresa started dating Earl.

Damning evidence
slash juicy gossip.

It can't have been Theresa.

There's no way my sister
would have done that.

I don't want to believe
it's true either,

but it would make a really
good end to the podcast.

Good for the podcast?

Purely from
a storytelling standpoint.

Sam.

Looks like Jay
has something here.

Oh, Jay, did you come up
with something?

No, I just thought the murder
board was a little off balance.

Yeah.

That's better.

So the prince wants us
to send him 1,000 bucks

so he can bribe the guards,
get out of prison,

reclaim his fortune,
and then he'll pay us back?

Ooh, not just pay us back.

He's gonna give us $5,000

for helping him.

Yeah, but this
isn't about the money.

This is a guy who needs help.

And he reached out to me.

For some reason.

Should we tell Sam?

No, no, no.

Since the whole
sexual possession

on Christmas "incident,"
I've been expressly banned

from using their computers.

You never told me that.

Now I'm an accessory.
And for what?

Wholesome jokes curated by the
funniest people in the world?

So we're not gonna
help the prince?

But he's the only one
who can rally the people

to take down
the military junta.

I know, but what can we do?

Well, we can't just leave
him hanging. That's rude.

Should we just email him back
to say we're sorry?

Fine, okay.

He probably reached out
because he thinks

I'm still a living travel agent.

You know what people say.

When in trouble,
call a travel agent.

I've never heard
anyone say that.

Oh, it's a saying.

Yeah, I've never heard that--It's a saying!

Okay, if it really
was the sister,

I think somebody might want
to make this into a movie.

Really? Do you think
they'd let me write it?

It wasn't my sister. We have
a board full of suspects.

We haven't even looked
into Clara yet.

All signs point to Clara.

Well, her name doesn't
start with a "T."

Well, many signs point to Clara.

We know that she hated me
because I ratted her out.

And we know she was there
that night.

And she was wearing
a very big hat...

Yes, because she was trying
to be inconspicuous.

Which is just what
a murderer would do.

Is a big hat inconspicuous
or like really conspicuous?

It is an interesting question.

More of a side trip,
but not one unworthy of taking.

But do you think Clara would
be mad enough to kill you?

I mean, you said she
only spent one night in jail.

Wait, she only spent one night
in jail? For bootlegging?

I thought that was
a major offense.

Well, it should have been.

Alcohol is highly addictive,

with none of the productive

or medicinal qualities
of cocaine.

Now that you mention it,

I guess Clara did get off
sort of light.

I wonder if they cut her a deal.

Maybe that's why she was there.

We know there was
a bootlegging deal.

Maybe Clara was there
to drop a dime

on Alberta and Earl
to get revenge.

That would explain one kind of
weird detail about that night.

After Alberta's murder
was called in,

the police arrived
almost instantly.

So Clara was working
with the cops

to get you arrested.
Which means

she wasn't there to kill you.

Which means we're back
to Theresa.

Sorry, Alberta.

You know what?

I have a friend
who works at CAA.

Maybe you want to talk to him
about this whole movie thing.

Really?

Although...

We don't know for sure yet.

But maybe do, like,
an e-introduction,

just to get the ball rolling.

Oh, come on,
there's got to be something

on this board
that points to someone

besides my sister!

Unfortunately, there
is a lot of yarn

pointing to your sister.

Next order of business:
murder weapon.

We know from Todd drinking the
booze and getting hospitalized

that Alberta was poisoned
with strychnine.

Where is that
bearded historian?

Shouldn't he be here,
as cohost of the podcast?

We're doing just fine without
Todd. Thank you, Isaac.

I did call Todd, but he said

he was on a Disney cruise
with his mom.

His mom's boyfriend Kyle
got a job as a Goofy.

I don't even want to know
what any of those words mean.

Hmm. Interesting.

Strychnine is the main
ingredient in rat poison.

They used to keep rat poison
in the basement here.

Wait, has anyone ever talked
to the basement ghosts

about what they saw that night?

I'll be honest.

I didn't know till very recently
that they could speak.

Hey, guys.

Got another email
from the prince.

- What did he say?
- Is he mad at us?

No, he's not mad.
But he is worried.

Things have deteriorated
at the penal colony.

He seems very desperate.

And now he's
willing to pay us

50 grand if we wire him
the thousand.

Doesn't matter if he could
give us a million smackers,

we don't have access
to any money.

Well, that's not entirely true.

We could rob a bank.

Yes, Flower, we know.
You robbed a bank once.

Who told you? Was it Jan?

Was it Starburst?

No, what I'm saying is,
we don't have any money.

But Sam and Jay do.

And Jay uses the same password
for everything,

including his online
banking account.

Oh, come on, I don't know.

I'm in.

Even though I've
never committed a crime

and I definitely
haven't robbed a bank.

We do this, everybody wins.

The prince is saved.

Sam and Jay get
a huge payday,

and we get all the credit.

Eh, I just...

Pete, someone's in trouble.

Are you a travel agent
or aren't you?

Gosh darn it, let's do it.

You want to know what happened

some random night 100 years ago?

It wasn't a random night.

It was New Year's Eve, 1928.

It was also the night I died.

Does anybody remember
somebody suspicious

coming down and grabbing
some rat poison?

Hold on, rat poison?
Now that you mention it,

there was some guy
with a scar on his face.

Yeah, we notice when somebody

has something weird
on their face.

They said that there
was a guy who took rat poison,

he had a scar on his face.

Oh, you don't think that
they mean Al Capone, do you?

You know...

Scarface?

I mean, he was there that night.

Ooh, and I did reject him.

Was this the guy that
they're talking about?

Oops.

Uh, yeah, that's him.

You know, he did seem
kind of agitated.

Yeah, that's him.

He was right over there.

This'll teach Alberta
to facepalm me.

Alberta, how could you
not think to tell us

you rejected Al Capone
that night?

First of all, it was
a very light facepalm.

And secondly, old Al
was always hitting on me.

I didn't think anything of it.

Ooh, the famous
gangster Al Capone.

Now that is
a murderer worthy

of someone like you, Alberta.

Oh, fame-on-fame crime.

That is juicy.

Aw, congrats on your
high-profile murderer, Alberta.

I'm really happy for you.

Oh, I can't wait
to tell Sam and Jay.

They're going to be
so happy with us.

The second the prince
transfers the money

back into the account,
we tell them.

I'm so excited.

I mean, this could be
international news, right?

A freed prince?

Morley Safer's gonna be
all over that.

That's actually a good idea.

I'm gonna google
"Nigerian prince"

and see if it's in the news.

You know, the word "hero"
gets thrown around

pretty casually these days, but

I think you're looking at
three of them right here.

We are pretty great.

- You done yet?
- I got one letter.

Ah! Done.

Uh-oh.

What? Were we too late?

Did they execute the prince?

I don't think there
was a prince.

What?

It's a scam.

And according to Google,
a very famous one.

So, Sam and Jay's money?

I think that's gone.

Gone?

I feel so... dumb.

Okay, so he lied to us
about being a prince.

But at least we helped someone
get off of Snake Island.

And that's what's important.

I feel less dumb,
but still.

I mean, this is huge.

Al Capone killed
somebody in this house.

Do we put that
on the website?

So this guy was so upset about
Alberta turning him down

that he killed her?

That's what the facts say, Sass.

If he couldn't have me,
no one could.

Well, this is an
exciting conclusion

to this thrilling mystery.

Seems like we can
put this one to bed.

Well, it looks like you guys
have got yourself enough yarn

to knit a jumper
for Benjamin Franklin.

He was quite plump.

We're solving Alberta's murder.

We're under a strict deadline

because no one found it
interesting enough

to sustain a podcast.

Well, any leads?

It looks like it was
the famous gangster Al Capone.

Nigel just came in.

Oh, cheerio, guvnah.

Yes, that never gets old.

Pip, pip.
Bob's your uncle.

Wait a moment.

I've seen this man before.

What are you doing?

If I can't have Alberta,

I don't want to live.

Pull yourself together, Al.

No dame's worth it.

What are you doing?

Getting rid of this.

Now go back to the party,

and stop acting
like a fool.

And pay your taxes,

that's gonna come
back to haunt you.

And then the woman stopped Al
Capone from killing himself.

Whoa. If Capone didn't
kill Alberta, then who did?

Maybe woman who took bottle did.

We know she had poison.

Was the woman
wearing a big hat

that was either conspicuous
or inconspicuous?

No, no interesting headwear
to speak of.

So then it wasn't Clara.

Then who was it?

Who was the woman who
had the poisoned bottle?

It was her.

Ah, it always feels good

to elicit a classic
Higgintoot gasp.

You're saying that my sister
really did kill me?

I can't believe this.

I'm so sorry, Alberta.

She was my best friend.

I mean, I know we didn't
always get along, but...

I thought we at least
had each other's back.

But she killed me
to be with Earl.

Men would come and go,
but we always said

we would grow old together.

But apparently that
was all a lie.

And now I'm stuck with
this pain for eternity.

Your sister didn't kill you.

Yeah, I don't want
to believe it either,

but the facts are what they are.

No, I am saying your sister
didn't kill you

because I know who actually did.

I have always known.

Do we think Yarn Barn takes
returns on opened packages?

Jay.

Hetty, what are you
talking about?

She's saying she knows
who the killer is.

Mm. Was it the board?

Did the board get her there?

No. She's saying
she's always known.

Board did nothing for no one.

Uh, Hetty, I-I don't understand.

Uh, who did it
and how do you know?

Because I saw it all happen.

On the night of the party,

I was following
my son Thomas around...

...when your sister approached
him with the poisoned bottle.

She informed him
of the attempted suicide

and he took possession
of the poisoned moonshine.

But instead
of disposing of it...

he placed it outside
Alberta's dressing room,

knocked on the door,
and slipped away.

Your killer was my son Thomas.

But why would he want
to kill me?

I-I didn't even know the man.

Actually much harder to kill
a person you know.

Sometimes not even fun.

Well, You may not have known
the man, b-but he knew your man.

The note?

That "T" stands for Thomas.

My son and your bootlegger
boyfriend were lovers.

I mean, it's not
not juicy.

So you're saying your son
was having an affair with Earl

and that's why
he killed Alberta?

Whose son? There's no
son on the board.

Wait, so you're saying...

Earl was two-timing me
with Thomas?

Do you remember the fight,

the one that you thought was a
dispute over a bootlegging deal?

Well, that's not what
it was about.

Thomas was upset
that Earl would not

break things off
with you as he had promised.

Instead, that night Earl
broke things off with Thomas.

That rhyme.
Promise, Thomas.

Not most important thing right
now but still noteworthy.

While still reeling,
someone handed my son

a bottle of poisoned booze.

He was spurned,

he was heartbroken,

and he lashed out
at the woman he blamed

for his unhappiness, you.

Hetty, you've known this this
whole time and never told me?

Yes, I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry, Alberta.

No, I'm sorry. Sorry I ever
considered you to be a friend.

I know it's not the time,

but I always thought
that Thomas was gay

so I do consider this
a personal victory.

Again, acknowledged,
not the time.

But very vindicating.

Sam, we're sorry.

You sent a scammer

$1,000 of our money?

Well, we'll make it up
to you, somehow.

We could rob a bank.

I'm admitting it now.
I've done it.

It's not that hard.

I don't want
to point fingers,

but it all started
with Pete begging me

- to set him up an email account.
- Oh, come on.

He's addicted to gentle comedy.

- The man's got a problem.
- Busted.

You guys are idiots.

Wait, what's happening?

I got a fraud alert
on my phone an hour ago.

I cancelled the transfer.

So we didn't lose
any of your money?

No. But...

And I can't believe
I have to keep saying this,

stop using the computer

and never go into
our bank accounts.

Absolutely.

I'm done with
Reader's Digest.

I'll get my zingers elsewhere.

Look, don't beat
yourselves up too much.

A lot of people do fall
for these computer scams.

Usually they're
older people,

but I guess you guys
are old, in a way.

T-Money isn't old.
You take that back.

You seen these thighs?

33 forever, babe.

Yeah, we've both
got great thighs.

Couple of thigh guys.

- Shut up, Pete.
- Right.

Alberta.

I don't have anything
to say to you, Hetty.

Look...

first you were just
an acquaintance,

whom my son had murdered.

And then later you became
a dear, dear friend...

whom my son had murdered.

Oh.

There just never seemed to be
the right time to bring it up.

Is this you trying to apologize?

Because I got to tell you,
you're very bad at this.

What did she say?

Can't really hear anything.

You got to move in closer.

Idiots, your heads
are through the wall.

Oh.
Okay if we stay?

No.

Okay.
Sorry.

The thing is, Alberta,

I was ashamed
to have raised a man

that would do that to you.

So you just say this and you
think it makes it all better?

Do you know how painful
it's been

not knowing how I died
for the last 100 years?

No. No, I don't.

And I knew that telling you

might-might fracture
our friendship.

Perhaps irreparably.

Then why'd you tell me?

I couldn't let you
go on thinking

that your sister had
betrayed you like that.

Well, I'm glad my sister
didn't betray me.

But the person who's
come to be like one did.

And I don't know

if I'll ever get over that.

So you're saying you
don't forgive me.

That's right.

What did she say?

I don't know, I couldn't
quite make it out.

I fear you're through the door.

Hmm?

Oh, yes,

I can see them.
They're staring at me.

They do not seem pleased.

Who cares if Sam called us old?

I mean, maybe it's
the best of both worlds.

We get to be old, but we
still look young and hot.

A couple of young thigh guys.

Hey, should we get a rack
for these four guns?

Guns are arms. You know what?
Just stop comparing our limbs.

Trevor's right.

I mean, yeah,
maybe we got tricked,

but it didn't even
end up costing us.

And we learned a valuable
lesson, you know?

If something seems too good
to be true,

it probably is.

Exactly.
We're not gonna fall

for one of those scams again.

Because unlike
actual old people,

we still got our wits
about us.

Hey, look.

It's that guy
from that old TV show.

He's doing commercials now?

Unlock the power
of a reverse mortgage.

What's a reverse mortgage?

You get the cash you need now

and you get to stay
in the home you love.

Hold up, they pay you
for your house

but you get to keep it?

Uh, sign me up.

You know who we
should sign up?

Sam and Jay!

They're gonna love this.

and TOYOTA.