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1
00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:03,535
- Hi, marie.
- Oh, hi, dear.
2
00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:05,237
- Listen.
Thanks for watching the kids.
3
00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:07,740
I really need to get
to the dentist.
4
00:00:07,742 --> 00:00:10,042
- I think it's wonderful
that you take all this time
5
00:00:10,044 --> 00:00:12,678
For yourself.
6
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:15,114
- Thank you.
7
00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:16,382
What are you working on there?
8
00:00:16,384 --> 00:00:19,685
- Oh, it's a barone family
christmas letter.
9
00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:22,421
You know, I want to keep people
up-to-date
10
00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:24,156
On what we've all been doing.
11
00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:25,724
- Well, don't forget to mention
my new filling.
12
00:00:25,726 --> 00:00:27,526
[laughs]
13
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,795
This have to go out
this afternoon.
14
00:00:29,797 --> 00:00:30,629
I'll go round up the kids.
15
00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:33,065
- Okay.
16
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,542
- [gasps]
17
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:47,379
[gasps]
18
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:52,584
Oh, lady, you are out of
your ever-lovin' mind.
19
00:00:54,654 --> 00:00:56,755
Marie...
20
00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:59,258
- Oh, my god.
21
00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:00,526
Oh, honey, are you all right?
22
00:01:00,528 --> 00:01:03,128
- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
23
00:01:03,130 --> 00:01:04,430
Wait the hell are you--
24
00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:06,198
- Oh, you should look
where you're going.
25
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:07,766
Let me get you some ice.
26
00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:10,536
- No, marie, forget the ice.
27
00:01:10,538 --> 00:01:12,237
Who are you sending this to?
28
00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:13,806
- Oh, you know,
family and friends.
29
00:01:13,808 --> 00:01:15,074
Oh, here.
30
00:01:15,076 --> 00:01:19,745
Put this broccoli on your head.
31
00:01:19,747 --> 00:01:21,847
- You cannot send this out.
32
00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:23,482
- I don't understand.
33
00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:26,652
- "debra's cooking
is coming along.
34
00:01:26,654 --> 00:01:29,121
"someday I might even
consider her for a job
35
00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:32,124
At chez marie."
36
00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:33,492
You're considering me
37
00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:35,794
For a job
in your restaurant?
38
00:01:35,796 --> 00:01:40,866
- Oh,
it's not a real restaurant.
39
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:42,835
It's make-believe.
40
00:01:42,837 --> 00:01:45,304
- Okay, what about this?
What about this?
41
00:01:45,306 --> 00:01:48,107
"debra is outnumbered
by the kids 3-to-1,
42
00:01:48,109 --> 00:01:52,244
So I've had to help out,
so now it's even."
43
00:01:52,246 --> 00:01:55,314
So you're saying that
you are worth two of me.
44
00:01:55,316 --> 00:02:00,486
- Oh,
no one's going to do the math.
45
00:02:00,488 --> 00:02:02,855
I'm just saying it's nice.
46
00:02:02,857 --> 00:02:04,490
- It's not nice.
47
00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:07,726
It's you having to help poor,
pathetic debra.
48
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:11,296
- And isn't that nice?
49
00:02:12,165 --> 00:02:14,333
- It's not true.
50
00:02:14,335 --> 00:02:16,702
You are not
sending this out.
51
00:02:16,704 --> 00:02:17,803
- Oh?
52
00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:20,305
I'm not?
53
00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:22,808
- Not like this.
No way.
54
00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:25,711
- Well, I'm sorry,
but this is my letter,
55
00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:28,514
And this is america.
56
00:02:31,217 --> 00:02:32,818
- Fine.
57
00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:34,720
You know what?
58
00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:36,221
Fine.
59
00:02:36,223 --> 00:02:37,923
Good-bye, marie.
60
00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:40,726
- Debra--
- good-bye.
61
00:02:45,565 --> 00:02:50,369
I know. I know.
I forgot the kids.
62
00:02:50,371 --> 00:02:53,472
You gonna put that
in your letter?
63
00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:58,243
Debra...
64
00:02:58,245 --> 00:03:00,312
- Ow.
- Oh, oh, oh.
65
00:03:08,688 --> 00:03:11,490
- Hey, eight maids a-milkin'.
66
00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:20,365
- Are we gonna do this
every night until christmas?
67
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,301
Can't we just cut
to "partridge in a pear tree"
68
00:03:22,303 --> 00:03:23,802
And be done with it?
69
00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:26,305
- Wow.
70
00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:27,372
Why don't we go to macy's?
71
00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:31,376
You can punch santa
and kick an elf.
72
00:03:36,416 --> 00:03:38,917
- Sorry.
I'm sorry.
73
00:03:38,919 --> 00:03:40,519
It's just that your mother
is sending out
74
00:03:40,521 --> 00:03:42,421
This stupid
family christmas letter,
75
00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:44,223
And I look terrible
in it.
76
00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:45,924
She makes it sound
as if she has to raise my kids
77
00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:50,996
While I sit around
and drool into a cup.
78
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:52,998
- Just let her have
her delusions.
79
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,533
What else does she have?
80
00:03:54,535 --> 00:03:56,969
Chasing dad around the house
with a can of lysol?
81
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:05,877
- Yeah, but she's mailing
those delusions to everybody.
82
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:07,980
People are gonna think
it's true.
83
00:04:07,982 --> 00:04:10,349
It'll be, "thank god
marie lives close enough
84
00:04:10,351 --> 00:04:14,553
To help that idiot woman
and her dirty family."
85
00:04:15,788 --> 00:04:17,956
- Hello.
86
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:21,994
I saw you pull in, raymond,
87
00:04:21,996 --> 00:04:24,296
And I thought
you'd like some biscotti.
88
00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:28,300
- Oh, thanks.
89
00:04:28,302 --> 00:04:29,701
Biscotti?
90
00:04:30,870 --> 00:04:32,671
- No, thank you.
91
00:04:32,673 --> 00:04:36,275
- Actually, I made them
for you, debra.
92
00:04:36,277 --> 00:04:39,278
- Oh, that's nice.
93
00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:42,447
It's nice.
94
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:45,884
- I'm sorry, debra.
95
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:50,389
- Oh, that's so nice.
- Okay, okay, okay.
96
00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:56,962
- I'm sorry that that letter
upset you so.
97
00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,330
- No, no, it's okay.
It's okay.
98
00:04:58,332 --> 00:04:59,931
You don't have to apologize.
99
00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:01,700
- Have a biscotti.
100
00:05:01,702 --> 00:05:03,935
- Thank you.
I would love one.
101
00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:07,072
- Oh, I'm so glad we could
put this behind us.
102
00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:09,875
- Me too; it's beautiful
what's happening here.
103
00:05:09,877 --> 00:05:12,778
- Okay, I've got to get
those letters
104
00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:14,680
To the post office
before they close.
105
00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:17,382
- Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
106
00:05:17,384 --> 00:05:18,984
You're still
sending that letter?
107
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:20,986
- Oh, of course, dear.
I have to.
108
00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:23,388
- You have to?
109
00:05:23,390 --> 00:05:25,390
Marie, when I speak,
110
00:05:25,392 --> 00:05:28,960
What is it you hear?
111
00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:33,765
Is it, like, backwards talk
or dolphin squeaks?
112
00:05:45,412 --> 00:05:49,514
See, this is the reason
I have to send my letter.
113
00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:50,816
It's from my cousin theresa.
114
00:05:50,818 --> 00:05:51,817
It came yesterday.
115
00:05:51,819 --> 00:05:53,018
Here, read.
116
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:55,387
- "merry christmas
and season's greetings
117
00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:56,955
"to old friends
and new friends,
118
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,023
Dear friends
and true friends."
119
00:05:58,025 --> 00:06:01,560
- Enough, enough.
I can't anymore.
120
00:06:01,562 --> 00:06:02,828
- I thought
you liked theresa.
121
00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:06,498
- I love her,
but read this here.
122
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:08,967
"our choir
sang at the white house.
123
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:11,403
My roses were featured
in "good housekeeping."
124
00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:13,672
Look at all of those
exclamation points.
125
00:06:13,674 --> 00:06:15,974
You'd think that she pulled
the pope out of quicksand
126
00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:20,145
Or something.
127
00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:23,815
- So you don't like it
that theresa's doing well?
128
00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,851
- Oh, it's not that.
You know me.
129
00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:27,986
I don't bother
about petty jealousy.
130
00:06:34,093 --> 00:06:35,927
- Yeah.
131
00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:40,399
That is not your style.
132
00:06:40,401 --> 00:06:41,666
- That's right.
133
00:06:41,668 --> 00:06:44,703
I just want people to read
about me and think,
134
00:06:44,705 --> 00:06:46,505
"marie is doing well too."
135
00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:47,839
- Yeah, I can understand that,
136
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:49,808
But can't you write a letter
that makes you look good
137
00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:51,877
Without making me
look so...
138
00:06:51,879 --> 00:06:53,044
- Doofus-y?
139
00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:08,593
- Yeah, doofus-y.
140
00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:11,530
- I guess I'm just
trying to make myself
141
00:07:11,532 --> 00:07:13,632
Sound as important
as theresa.
142
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:16,435
But what am I?
143
00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:18,203
I've got my kids.
I've got my grandkids.
144
00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:21,106
Him over there.
145
00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:22,574
It's okay.
146
00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:24,142
I'll just let the world
147
00:07:24,144 --> 00:07:26,144
Read about me
in theresa's letter.
148
00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:27,946
- What did she write
about you?
149
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:31,483
- Not much.
How much is there, really?
150
00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:32,918
- Marie.
151
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,987
- Third page,
second paragraph.
152
00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:42,027
- "we saw marie and her family
at kate kelly's wedding.
153
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:43,462
"they all seemed to be
doing well
154
00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:44,896
"in their cozy little situation
155
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,631
"living a stone's throw
from each other,
156
00:07:46,633 --> 00:07:49,100
Not that they'd ever
throw stones, ha-ha."
157
00:07:49,102 --> 00:07:52,037
Oh. She's a bitch.
158
00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:58,076
- Listen,
I would never say that,
159
00:07:58,078 --> 00:08:02,647
But it's nice to hear.
160
00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:05,484
- Well, wait.
What's so bad?
161
00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:07,786
- "not that they'd ever
throw stones, ha-ha"?
162
00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:09,788
She's saying
we don't get along.
163
00:08:09,790 --> 00:08:11,923
Where does somebody
get off writing that?
164
00:08:18,197 --> 00:08:19,531
You know what, marie?
165
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:21,166
You and I are gonna write
166
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,968
Our own christmas letter
together.
167
00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:25,170
- Oh, no.
168
00:08:25,172 --> 00:08:28,240
- We can write a better letter
than saint theresa.
169
00:08:28,242 --> 00:08:30,575
We'll make us both
look good.
170
00:08:30,577 --> 00:08:32,677
Maybe you can even come up
with a little dirt on her.
171
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,045
- She does have eczema.
172
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:37,249
- Great.
173
00:08:37,251 --> 00:08:39,718
- What are we gonna
write about me?
174
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,620
- What about all your trips
to the botanical gardens, huh?
175
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,655
Get up.
- What?
176
00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:45,624
- Oh.
What about the gardens?
177
00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:48,627
- Well, you know more about that
place than most of the guides.
178
00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:50,962
"marie is the best guide
at the botanical gardens."
179
00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:52,664
We'll put that right in there.
180
00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:53,665
- We would?
- Yeah, of course.
181
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:54,733
Let's start right now.
182
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:57,636
The sooner we write it,
the sooner we can wipe
183
00:08:57,638 --> 00:09:00,205
That smug grin off her dry,
itchy face.
184
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:03,174
[laughter]
185
00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:05,243
- Hey, uh, excuse me.
Excuse me.
186
00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:07,045
Let's not forget
it's christmas, you know,
187
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,647
A time for not being so...
188
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:11,149
[witchy laughter]
189
00:09:14,620 --> 00:09:18,089
And to all a good night.
190
00:09:23,596 --> 00:09:24,896
- Okay, this all looks great.
191
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,164
You know,
there's just one thing.
192
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:28,300
Shouldn't we use
the word "selfless"
193
00:09:28,302 --> 00:09:30,168
To describe your work
as a piano teacher?
194
00:09:32,705 --> 00:09:34,205
- Oh, hi, robbie.
195
00:09:34,207 --> 00:09:35,607
- Hello.
196
00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:38,143
- Hey, robert.
What's going on?
197
00:09:43,015 --> 00:09:46,618
- "robert's meteoric rise
through the nypd
198
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:48,920
"has really
turned some heads
199
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:51,656
Both here at home
and at the precinct."
200
00:09:51,658 --> 00:09:53,358
What is this?
201
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,293
- I heard you were writing
a family christmas letter,
202
00:09:55,295 --> 00:09:59,998
So I did my bio.
203
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,334
I would like it
inserted verbatim.
204
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:06,338
- You wrote your own thing?
205
00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:09,040
- Indeed I did.
206
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:10,909
- Well,
we've already finished it.
207
00:10:10,911 --> 00:10:12,611
- Yeah.
- Oh, really?
208
00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:15,647
Is it anything like
your last christmas letter?
209
00:10:15,649 --> 00:10:17,182
- Well, I haven't written
a christmas letter
210
00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:18,283
In ten years.
211
00:10:22,388 --> 00:10:24,856
- Look familiar?
212
00:10:24,858 --> 00:10:26,691
- You kept that ten years?
213
00:10:26,693 --> 00:10:30,662
I wasn't exactly pleased
with the way I was portrayed,
214
00:10:30,664 --> 00:10:34,232
And I made a solemn pledge
to never let that happen again.
215
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:37,335
- Dude, you are so weird.
216
00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:41,306
- Am I, raymond?
217
00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:44,309
Am I?
218
00:10:50,116 --> 00:10:51,816
There were six lines
in your section.
219
00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,385
I got three.
220
00:10:53,387 --> 00:10:54,919
Half, okay?
221
00:10:54,921 --> 00:10:58,923
Everybody gave me, like,
a pitiful, pathetic look.
222
00:10:58,925 --> 00:11:01,660
- You always get that look.
223
00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:04,963
- It was more pronounced, man.
224
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:06,831
- Well, we can't
change anything now, robbie.
225
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:08,333
But don't worry.
226
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:10,402
There's a lovely part
about you.
227
00:11:10,404 --> 00:11:13,438
- Oh, yeah?
Let me see that.
228
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,740
Uh-huh, uh-huh,
okay, mm-hmm.
229
00:11:15,742 --> 00:11:18,743
All right, raymond gets one,
two, three, four, five, six,
230
00:11:18,745 --> 00:11:21,913
Seven lines,
and I get one, two, three.
231
00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:25,216
Three. Less than half.
I'm losing ground.
232
00:11:26,952 --> 00:11:28,420
- All right.
Let's see what you wrote.
233
00:11:28,422 --> 00:11:31,156
"robert is
an in-demand bachelor
234
00:11:31,158 --> 00:11:33,158
Happily playing the field."
235
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:36,695
- That's right.
236
00:11:36,697 --> 00:11:37,962
- "robert loves to dance
237
00:11:37,964 --> 00:11:42,400
And has been known
to boogie the night away."
238
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:44,035
So let me get this straight.
239
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:46,705
You've broadened the definition
of the term "boogie"
240
00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:51,209
To include staying home
by yourself eating wheat thins?
241
00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:55,313
- I am a dancer.
242
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:57,482
What are you getting
so worked up for?
243
00:11:57,484 --> 00:11:58,950
It's a christmas letter.
244
00:11:58,952 --> 00:11:59,951
It's no big deal.
245
00:11:59,953 --> 00:12:01,186
- Oh, yeah, not for you.
246
00:12:01,188 --> 00:12:02,253
You've got
the whole raymond fan club
247
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:04,956
Doing your writing.
248
00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:06,257
Let's take a gander
249
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:09,227
At this year's model,
shall we?
250
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:13,431
[clears throat]
251
00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:16,468
"what can you say
about raymond?
252
00:12:16,470 --> 00:12:18,303
"whether he's
playing with the children
253
00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:22,774
Or playing golf,
the guy loves life."
254
00:12:22,776 --> 00:12:25,944
Oh, happy days.
255
00:12:33,853 --> 00:12:35,153
"he is still
writing his column
256
00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:36,254
For new york 'newsday.'"
257
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,857
- Whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
258
00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:41,326
What do you mean
"still writing my column"?
259
00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:43,461
Like I should be doing
something better by now?
260
00:12:43,463 --> 00:12:46,264
- No, that's not what we meant.
261
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,465
- It's not "still writing."
262
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:49,768
It's "still writing."
263
00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:52,137
- Yeah, well, but that's not how
it's gonna read.
264
00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:54,038
People are gonna get
the wrong impression here.
265
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:57,041
- Ooh.
266
00:12:57,043 --> 00:12:58,810
- This is going out
to everybody that we know?
267
00:12:58,812 --> 00:13:00,378
- Of course.
- No, not like this, it isn't.
268
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:02,046
- Oh, ray, come on.
You're overreacting.
269
00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:06,284
- I am not overreacting.
270
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:10,488
- Hee hee.
271
00:13:10,490 --> 00:13:12,257
- I could be managing editor
of the sports page
272
00:13:12,259 --> 00:13:15,360
I could work for the
"new york times" if I wanted.
273
00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:17,195
- We know that, raymond.
274
00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:20,298
- By the way, why didn't you go
for that managing editor thing?
275
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,033
- Oh, see.
There it is.
276
00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:23,802
See, the truth comes out.
277
00:13:23,804 --> 00:13:25,537
That's what you mean by "still".
278
00:13:25,539 --> 00:13:28,973
- No, no, no,
that's not what we meant.
279
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:31,943
- I'm gonna write
what I want in it.
280
00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:34,813
- "merry christmas, robert."
281
00:13:40,019 --> 00:13:43,955
- Hey. Hey,
hold it, hold it.
282
00:13:43,957 --> 00:13:48,526
I'm hungry.
283
00:13:48,528 --> 00:13:50,061
- You'll have to wait.
284
00:13:50,063 --> 00:13:52,597
Debra and I have to finish
our christmas letter.
285
00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:54,299
- Yeah, look what they write
about you in here, dad.
286
00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:56,534
- What do you mean?
What's it say?
287
00:13:56,536 --> 00:13:59,537
- Yeah, all they do is list
your favorite cable channels,
288
00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:01,039
And then they say,
289
00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:04,175
"his love affair
with bacon continues."
290
00:14:05,945 --> 00:14:08,012
- The surgery channel
on there, marie?
291
00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:08,947
- First on the list.
292
00:14:08,949 --> 00:14:11,249
- I'm good.
293
00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:12,884
- Well, yeah, well,
I'm not, okay?
294
00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:14,586
Look, you may not think
my job is so hot,
295
00:14:14,588 --> 00:14:18,323
But 600,000
discriminating readers do.
296
00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:20,124
- So you've broadened
the definition
297
00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:21,626
Of the word "discriminating"
298
00:14:21,628 --> 00:14:24,062
To include people
who do their reading
299
00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:27,031
With their elbow
on a roll of toilet paper?
300
00:14:34,006 --> 00:14:36,107
- Hey, at least I don't
spend my whole life
301
00:14:36,109 --> 00:14:37,976
Competing
with my little brother.
302
00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:40,111
- Oh, yeah?
Well, you know what, raymond?
303
00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:42,614
I don't have to
compete with you.
304
00:14:42,616 --> 00:14:44,883
- Oh, you don't compete?
That's all you do.
305
00:14:44,885 --> 00:14:46,584
- Yeah, sure.
306
00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:48,887
- Look at this.
You saved this for ten years.
307
00:14:48,889 --> 00:14:50,555
Ten years.
308
00:14:54,526 --> 00:14:56,394
- Oh, my god.
309
00:15:01,133 --> 00:15:04,669
I saved that letter
for ten years.
310
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:08,973
- Oh, robert,
that's not so bad.
311
00:15:08,975 --> 00:15:11,342
- In a ziplock bag.
312
00:15:13,946 --> 00:15:16,614
Everything I do--
my job, my marriage,
313
00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,950
Trying to get
mom and dad's attention...
314
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:21,252
- Leave me out of this.
315
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:23,187
- Anytime something good
happens to me,
316
00:15:23,189 --> 00:15:26,291
The first thought I get is,
"hey, what about that, raymond?"
317
00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:28,359
And if it's something bad,
318
00:15:28,361 --> 00:15:31,362
I actually say a prayer
that ray...
319
00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:33,498
Doesn't do so good that day.
320
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:35,967
- You say a prayer?
321
00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:38,503
- "come on, god...
322
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:41,306
Get him."
323
00:15:46,211 --> 00:15:48,513
- I remember this letter.
324
00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:50,048
I had all the stuff
I was going to do
325
00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:51,950
When I retire on this.
326
00:15:51,952 --> 00:15:54,319
- Was "being nicer
to your wife" on there?
327
00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:58,723
- Might as well have been.
It's all ridiculous crap.
328
00:15:58,725 --> 00:16:00,425
"fix up a '57 chevy
329
00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:02,260
And drive it
across the country."
330
00:16:02,262 --> 00:16:04,395
Why would I
want to do that?
331
00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:06,597
That's where california is.
332
00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:09,033
You all know
how I feel about california...
333
00:16:09,035 --> 00:16:11,035
Both: Yes.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
334
00:16:11,037 --> 00:16:13,237
- A state full of nut jobs,
hippies, and artsy-fartsies.
335
00:16:13,239 --> 00:16:17,742
Drive across country?
I'd rather drive off a cliff.
336
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:19,477
- I'll warm up the car.
337
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,048
- All right.
Here's what it should say.
338
00:16:24,050 --> 00:16:26,217
"ray entertains
and informs his readers
339
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:28,252
"with stories that use sports
340
00:16:28,254 --> 00:16:30,488
To illuminate
the human condition."
341
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:33,191
You heard me.
"human condition".
342
00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:35,293
- Write whatever you want, ray.
343
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:38,429
If you're happy where you are,
then so am I.
344
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:41,032
All I'm saying is that if you
went for that promotion,
345
00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:44,736
- Yeah, well, what if the job
I have right now, huh,
346
00:16:44,738 --> 00:16:45,737
What if that's it?
347
00:16:45,739 --> 00:16:47,538
- Yeah, that's fine. Great.
348
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:48,673
But I just think that--
349
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:50,308
- No buts, all right?
Don't but.
350
00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:54,178
- I already tried for the stupid
editor thing, all right?
351
00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:55,513
Twice.
352
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:58,182
I didn't get it...
Twice.
353
00:16:58,184 --> 00:17:00,118
There, you happy?
354
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:03,187
- Little better.
355
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:14,499
Sorry.
356
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:17,435
- Why didn't you say
something before?
357
00:17:17,437 --> 00:17:21,139
- It's not exactly something
you come home bragging about.
358
00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:24,242
- Seriously, man,
359
00:17:24,244 --> 00:17:26,744
You can't keep
all that stuff bottled up.
360
00:17:31,250 --> 00:17:34,786
You have to share it
with us...
361
00:17:34,788 --> 00:17:39,524
When you fail.
362
00:17:43,295 --> 00:17:44,629
- Oh, sweetie.
363
00:17:44,631 --> 00:17:46,664
- Oh, honey.
364
00:17:46,666 --> 00:17:48,332
Honey...
365
00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:51,102
Why don't you ever talk
to me about your problems?
366
00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:52,804
I'm a good listener.
367
00:17:52,806 --> 00:17:55,206
- I've wasted the last
ten years of my life.
368
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:56,808
- Not now, frank.
369
00:17:56,810 --> 00:17:58,543
- I didn't do
any of the stuff on here.
370
00:17:58,545 --> 00:18:01,379
None of it.
Now what the hell am I?
371
00:18:01,381 --> 00:18:02,814
Just a list of cable channels
372
00:18:02,816 --> 00:18:07,718
And a big stinking pile
of bacon waiting to die.
373
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:12,190
At least you weren't competing
with someone your entire life.
374
00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:13,357
You were your own man.
375
00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:15,593
- "were your own man"?
376
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,228
Past tense?
377
00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:19,297
You can't wait, can you?
378
00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:20,698
- Hey, don't worry, dad.
379
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:21,833
You're still alive,
380
00:18:21,835 --> 00:18:23,868
Just like
I'm "still" a writer.
381
00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:27,605
We should all
be counting our blessings.
382
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:30,241
Why did you write
a christmas letter?
383
00:18:30,243 --> 00:18:34,779
- Hey, it's not too late to do
all the things on that list.
384
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:37,582
- "see frank sinatra
in concert"?
385
00:18:41,353 --> 00:18:42,887
- All right, all right.
Enough. Here.
386
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:45,389
Make a new list
and start on that.
387
00:18:45,391 --> 00:18:48,259
You can do it.
You're not dead yet, frank.
388
00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:50,428
And, robert, come on.
389
00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:52,263
You're smart,
successful, handsome,
390
00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:54,232
No matter what ray does
or doesn't do.
391
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:55,633
You're not a loser.
392
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:59,604
In the new york city police
department for god's sake.
393
00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:00,838
- Yeah, what about me?
394
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:03,708
- You're fine.
You're married to me, okay?
395
00:19:08,413 --> 00:19:10,848
All of you.
396
00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:12,483
Come on.
397
00:19:20,859 --> 00:19:23,561
- Why'd you even have to write
that letter?
398
00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:25,730
It's the letter
that makes us sound bad.
399
00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:26,864
- Get rid of the letter.
400
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:29,634
- No.
We worked all afternoon on this.
401
00:19:29,636 --> 00:19:31,369
- It's our christmas letter.
402
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:32,837
- Yeah,
I want out of it.
403
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:35,206
I forbid you to use my name
or likeness.
404
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:36,707
- Oh, frank, no.
Don't.
405
00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:39,410
- Me too. Me too.
406
00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:41,245
- No, ray, come on.
407
00:19:41,247 --> 00:19:43,314
- Hey, hey, I'm not gonna be
the only loser in there.
408
00:19:43,316 --> 00:19:45,917
I'm out too.
409
00:19:57,663 --> 00:20:00,198
- This is christmas.
410
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:03,768
We're supposed to share
our joyous news of family.
411
00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:05,336
- It's nobody's damn business.
412
00:20:05,338 --> 00:20:06,537
- Damn straight.
413
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:07,338
- Let's watch the game.
- Yeah.
414
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:11,242
- Oh, come on, guys.
415
00:20:12,744 --> 00:20:14,278
- Look at this.
416
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,347
We can't send it out
like this.
417
00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:19,383
What will people think?
418
00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:24,388
It's just me and you now.
419
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:26,591
Here's your part, dear.
420
00:20:26,593 --> 00:20:28,526
- I've got to get this
to the post office.
421
00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:31,596
Thanks for your help, dear.
422
00:20:37,536 --> 00:20:39,437
- Isn't this nice?
423
00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:41,339
Christmas morning,
and we're all together.
424
00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:42,773
- Yeah, this is nice.
425
00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:44,275
- This is what
it's all about.
426
00:20:44,277 --> 00:20:45,776
- Yeah, read another one, dad.
427
00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:51,415
This one is from linda
and dennis mccarthy.
428
00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:52,984
- Oh, boy.
- Oh, they're the worst.
429
00:20:52,986 --> 00:20:55,253
- "dear family and friends..."
430
00:20:55,255 --> 00:20:58,422
- We're neither.
Keep going.
431
00:20:58,424 --> 00:20:59,857
- "is it christmas already?
432
00:20:59,859 --> 00:21:01,759
"with our trip
to colonial williamsburg,
433
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:03,461
"remodeling the living room,
434
00:21:03,463 --> 00:21:05,830
"and denny's successful run
for city council,
435
00:21:05,832 --> 00:21:07,999
The months have just flown by."
436
00:21:09,868 --> 00:21:12,837
City council of what city?
Jackassville?
437
00:21:12,839 --> 00:21:15,539
[laughter]
438
00:21:18,844 --> 00:21:20,678
- Is there a picture with that?
Let me see the picture.
439
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:22,680
- Here you go.
- They always send pictures.
440
00:21:22,682 --> 00:21:24,615
- Yeah, they always send them.
441
00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:27,285
There you go.
There it is.
442
00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:28,419
- Oh, it looks like
that living room
443
00:21:28,421 --> 00:21:32,990
Isn't the only thing
she's remodeled.
444
00:21:32,992 --> 00:21:34,959
It looks like
she's in a wind tunnel.
445
00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:37,295
- Yeah.
446
00:21:37,297 --> 00:21:38,863
- "of course,
the big news around here
447
00:21:38,865 --> 00:21:40,931
"is the new addition
to our family.
448
00:21:40,933 --> 00:21:42,800
"his name is tic-tac,
449
00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:46,771
And he's 22 pounds
of fuzzy fun."
450
00:21:46,773 --> 00:21:48,072
- That is one ugly kid.
451
00:21:48,074 --> 00:21:50,408
[laughter]
452
00:21:50,410 --> 00:21:53,477
The kid's outside peeing
on a fire hydrant.
453
00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:04,488
- Oh, I love christmas.
32026
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