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1
00:00:04,548 --> 00:00:06,917
Hey... Carly.
2
00:00:08,652 --> 00:00:11,555
Do you want a napkin or perhaps
3
00:00:11,655 --> 00:00:14,758
a vacuum to go with
all these crumbs?
4
00:00:14,858 --> 00:00:16,960
No.
5
00:00:17,060 --> 00:00:19,430
What I want is Freddie.
6
00:00:19,530 --> 00:00:22,399
What I have is queso.
7
00:00:25,202 --> 00:00:26,937
Eh...
8
00:00:29,106 --> 00:00:30,674
Eh...
9
00:00:34,745 --> 00:00:37,214
He made my knees buckle.
10
00:00:37,314 --> 00:00:38,815
Do you know how that feels?
11
00:00:38,915 --> 00:00:41,452
Girl, my knees have done
things your knees never will.
12
00:00:41,552 --> 00:00:43,220
But that's not the point.
13
00:00:43,320 --> 00:00:46,990
Look, Freddie has a girlfriend.
14
00:00:47,090 --> 00:00:50,661
A girlfriend whose name I
forget every time I see her.
15
00:00:50,761 --> 00:00:53,096
But a girlfriend nonetheless.
16
00:00:55,299 --> 00:00:56,533
(gasps)
17
00:01:02,339 --> 00:01:03,574
What apps are you on?
18
00:01:03,674 --> 00:01:05,909
Oh, love applications?
19
00:01:06,009 --> 00:01:08,812
I've heard those can leave
viruses on your phone.
20
00:01:08,912 --> 00:01:10,614
You could stand to
get a few viruses,
21
00:01:10,713 --> 00:01:13,049
'cause you're not
getting any from...
22
00:01:13,150 --> 00:01:14,185
Freddie!
23
00:01:14,285 --> 00:01:15,686
And you.
24
00:01:15,786 --> 00:01:16,887
FREDDIE: Sorry to barge in,
25
00:01:16,987 --> 00:01:18,555
but can we steal
some brown yarn?
26
00:01:18,655 --> 00:01:20,357
Oh, you guys are
doing yarn crafts now?
27
00:01:20,457 --> 00:01:23,627
We're making a little Statue of
Liberty in the original copper.
28
00:01:23,727 --> 00:01:25,407
Oh, I actually do have
copper-colored yarn.
29
00:01:25,496 --> 00:01:27,364
Ah, yes. I knew I
could count on you,
30
00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:28,865
my favorite crazy yarn lady.
31
00:01:28,965 --> 00:01:29,966
(laughter)
32
00:01:30,066 --> 00:01:31,101
Brown is fine.
33
00:01:32,269 --> 00:01:34,629
Is anyone gonna tell Carly she
has cheese all over her face?
34
00:01:34,671 --> 00:01:36,607
'Cause I am not close
enough with her.
35
00:01:39,843 --> 00:01:44,615
Um, it's for my new character,
Captain American Cheese.
36
00:01:44,715 --> 00:01:45,749
(awkward laugh)
37
00:01:45,849 --> 00:01:48,051
Uh, who fights crime with queso.
38
00:01:48,151 --> 00:01:49,886
(laughs)
39
00:01:50,653 --> 00:01:52,989
We'll talk about it at
our story meeting later.
40
00:01:53,088 --> 00:01:54,691
Oh, um, we're gonna
be kind of busy
41
00:01:54,790 --> 00:01:57,127
with this yarn
thing all afternoon.
42
00:01:57,228 --> 00:01:58,795
Well, Carly is busy, too.
43
00:01:58,895 --> 00:02:01,798
We just finished filling out
her new Sevens Only profile,
44
00:02:01,898 --> 00:02:05,035
and I made her seem
crazy. Guys like that.
45
00:02:05,802 --> 00:02:09,640
Oh, wow. So you're
actively looking for a...
46
00:02:09,740 --> 00:02:11,508
gentleman caller?
47
00:02:11,608 --> 00:02:14,144
Not necessarily.
48
00:02:15,712 --> 00:02:17,113
Well, be careful, though.
49
00:02:17,214 --> 00:02:18,615
A lot of those love applications
50
00:02:18,715 --> 00:02:21,384
can leave viruses on your phone.
51
00:02:21,485 --> 00:02:23,086
I think that is the
perfect app for you.
52
00:02:23,186 --> 00:02:25,489
You're absolutely
a seven in Seattle.
53
00:02:25,589 --> 00:02:26,990
Thank you?
54
00:02:28,191 --> 00:02:30,861
Yeah, I'm not just
on Sevens Only.
55
00:02:30,961 --> 00:02:33,297
I downloaded
Nondenominational Mingle,
56
00:02:33,396 --> 00:02:36,867
the Gorch List, Scraps...
57
00:02:36,967 --> 00:02:38,068
This bitch.
58
00:02:38,168 --> 00:02:40,537
Is that another app?
I'll download it.
59
00:02:40,637 --> 00:02:44,174
No. I just got a
text from Tinsley.
60
00:02:44,275 --> 00:02:45,909
Who's Tinsley?
61
00:02:46,009 --> 00:02:47,554
And why do you say
her name like Madonna
62
00:02:47,578 --> 00:02:50,013
when she was trying
to be British?
63
00:02:50,113 --> 00:02:51,747
This girl I went to
boarding school with.
64
00:02:51,848 --> 00:02:54,184
She just asked me to style
her for the Net Gala.
65
00:02:54,285 --> 00:02:56,052
It's like the Met
Gala but with nets.
66
00:02:56,152 --> 00:02:58,121
It's almost impossible
to get into.
67
00:02:58,221 --> 00:03:01,558
Oh, because of the nets.
68
00:03:01,658 --> 00:03:04,094
This girl tormented me
all through high school.
69
00:03:04,194 --> 00:03:06,129
Now all of a sudden she
wants to give me a job
70
00:03:06,229 --> 00:03:07,398
I desperately need?
71
00:03:07,498 --> 00:03:09,018
Oh, she probably
wants to see you again
72
00:03:09,065 --> 00:03:10,910
so she can rub it in your
face that you're poor now.
73
00:03:10,934 --> 00:03:13,770
Exactly. Thank you!
74
00:03:13,870 --> 00:03:15,672
(quietly): I want
to say Squirrel.
75
00:03:15,771 --> 00:03:17,441
(door opens)
76
00:03:17,541 --> 00:03:19,943
I don't want to talk about it.
77
00:03:20,043 --> 00:03:23,113
The Seattle Penny Pincher
gave him a bad review
78
00:03:23,213 --> 00:03:24,615
on his last art piece.
79
00:03:24,715 --> 00:03:26,717
Ooh, I hang out with
people who get reviews.
80
00:03:26,817 --> 00:03:29,085
I feel like I'm on Entourage.
81
00:03:29,185 --> 00:03:31,788
It says, "Spencer Shay
has become so ensconced
82
00:03:31,888 --> 00:03:34,491
"in his one-percent
bubble, he's lost touch
83
00:03:34,591 --> 00:03:36,493
with the average working man."
84
00:03:36,593 --> 00:03:38,862
That is bull crap!
85
00:03:38,961 --> 00:03:40,864
There's no one more
average than me.
86
00:03:40,964 --> 00:03:43,233
I'm the Maroon 5 of people.
87
00:03:44,535 --> 00:03:46,537
Comfort me!
88
00:03:46,637 --> 00:03:48,038
(phone vibrating)
89
00:03:48,138 --> 00:03:51,274
Yay! I've already
got three matches.
90
00:03:51,375 --> 00:03:54,110
Oh, wow. That was fast.
91
00:03:54,210 --> 00:03:55,779
For an attractive
woman under 30?
92
00:03:55,879 --> 00:03:57,814
That's actually terrible.
93
00:03:58,682 --> 00:03:59,816
? I know ?
94
00:03:59,916 --> 00:04:01,818
? You see ?
95
00:04:01,918 --> 00:04:03,820
? Somehow the world
will change for me ?
96
00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:06,990
? And be so wonderful ?
97
00:04:07,090 --> 00:04:11,462
? So wake up the
members of my nation ?
98
00:04:11,562 --> 00:04:13,129
? It's your time to be ?
99
00:04:13,229 --> 00:04:15,899
? There's no chance
unless you take one ?
100
00:04:15,999 --> 00:04:18,335
? And the time to see
the brighter side ?
101
00:04:18,435 --> 00:04:21,905
? Of every situation ?
102
00:04:22,005 --> 00:04:23,674
? Some things are meant to be ?
103
00:04:23,774 --> 00:04:27,578
? So give your best and
leave the rest to me. ?
104
00:04:29,613 --> 00:04:32,683
So, how you feeling?
105
00:04:32,783 --> 00:04:35,250
You ready to get under
Teddy, Eddie or Betty?
106
00:04:35,351 --> 00:04:37,187
But if she rocks your
world, it is not my job
107
00:04:37,287 --> 00:04:38,689
to unpack that with you.
108
00:04:38,789 --> 00:04:41,692
Harper, I'm not gonna
have intercourse sex
109
00:04:41,792 --> 00:04:44,827
with some scrap
off the Internet.
110
00:04:44,928 --> 00:04:45,928
That's a scrap?
111
00:04:45,962 --> 00:04:50,066
He looks like a whole damn meal.
112
00:04:50,166 --> 00:04:53,069
That's him. But he was wearing
glasses in his profile.
113
00:04:53,169 --> 00:04:55,338
I mean, who wears
glasses one minute
114
00:04:55,439 --> 00:04:57,474
and then mysteriously
doesn't need 'em the next?
115
00:04:57,574 --> 00:04:58,909
Superman?
116
00:05:00,343 --> 00:05:02,245
Go meet your hot date
while I meet my hot bully.
117
00:05:02,345 --> 00:05:04,147
Damn, she looks expensive.
118
00:05:06,282 --> 00:05:08,318
Oh, Tinsley.
119
00:05:08,419 --> 00:05:09,953
BOTH: Mwah. Mwah.
120
00:05:10,053 --> 00:05:12,255
Darling, I can see
why you hired me.
121
00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:14,958
Are you going
camping after this?
122
00:05:16,393 --> 00:05:18,294
You look fabulous.
123
00:05:18,395 --> 00:05:22,365
Seems the headgear really
sorted everything out.
124
00:05:22,466 --> 00:05:23,934
Didn't you hear?
125
00:05:24,034 --> 00:05:27,270
I ditched the headgear for
a full skull replacement.
126
00:05:27,370 --> 00:05:30,173
'Twas quite expensive, but
not for someone as rich as I,
127
00:05:30,273 --> 00:05:32,543
what with all my
celebrity clientele.
128
00:05:32,643 --> 00:05:35,846
Bey, Jay, all of the Jennifers.
129
00:05:35,946 --> 00:05:37,714
- All the Jennifers?
- Mm-hmm.
130
00:05:37,814 --> 00:05:41,418
I would have thought
you'd be more selective.
131
00:05:42,986 --> 00:05:45,889
Wait, so you build furniture?
132
00:05:45,989 --> 00:05:50,326
Like Jesus or a
young Harrison Ford.
133
00:05:50,427 --> 00:05:53,564
Yeah, I make tables, chairs,
134
00:05:53,664 --> 00:05:55,832
stools, benches, desks.
135
00:05:55,932 --> 00:05:58,569
Which are like tables,
but for office work.
136
00:05:58,669 --> 00:05:59,803
End tables...
137
00:05:59,903 --> 00:06:00,947
Well, I guess I know who to call
138
00:06:00,971 --> 00:06:02,673
the next time I go to IKEA.
139
00:06:02,773 --> 00:06:04,407
But that's not
building furniture.
140
00:06:04,508 --> 00:06:06,477
That's assembling furniture.
141
00:06:06,577 --> 00:06:07,978
It was just a joke.
142
00:06:08,078 --> 00:06:11,915
Oh, that's right, you said
you were a comedienne.
143
00:06:12,015 --> 00:06:15,686
Tell me another joke, now
that I'm ready for it.
144
00:06:15,786 --> 00:06:18,021
Well, I'm working
on this new sketch
145
00:06:18,121 --> 00:06:20,557
called Captain American Cheese.
146
00:06:20,657 --> 00:06:23,627
It's about the battle
between Gouda and evil.
147
00:06:23,727 --> 00:06:25,095
(laughs)
148
00:06:25,929 --> 00:06:28,799
So it's not like funny "ha-ha."
149
00:06:32,368 --> 00:06:35,071
You really went nuts
at that farmers market.
150
00:06:35,171 --> 00:06:36,973
I googled "regular
people" and "Sundays,"
151
00:06:37,073 --> 00:06:39,676
and this is what came up.
152
00:06:39,776 --> 00:06:42,312
Time for plan B. If
it's average Spencer
153
00:06:42,412 --> 00:06:44,052
the people want, then
it's average Spencer
154
00:06:44,114 --> 00:06:45,348
the people will get.
155
00:06:45,448 --> 00:06:47,050
I'm gonna give away
enough of my money
156
00:06:47,150 --> 00:06:49,019
so that I'm no longer
part of the one percent.
157
00:06:49,119 --> 00:06:52,556
Wait, so plan A was:
get a lot of corn?
158
00:06:52,656 --> 00:06:55,559
Well, you could always invest
in your old pal Freddie again.
159
00:06:55,659 --> 00:06:57,827
I mean, this head
is full of ideas.
160
00:06:57,928 --> 00:07:00,196
You know how it gets
colder at night?
161
00:07:00,296 --> 00:07:02,165
Stop!
162
00:07:02,265 --> 00:07:03,934
I wouldn't want to
burden you with wealth.
163
00:07:04,034 --> 00:07:05,736
Money is an evil mistress,
164
00:07:05,836 --> 00:07:07,538
and you're terrible with women.
165
00:07:07,638 --> 00:07:10,907
- Well, as the father of a daughter...
- Stop!
166
00:07:11,007 --> 00:07:12,809
Freddie, that's not a bad idea.
167
00:07:12,909 --> 00:07:14,511
Night pants?
168
00:07:14,611 --> 00:07:16,780
No, that's a terrible
idea, but it's a good idea
169
00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:18,281
to invest in a bad business.
170
00:07:18,381 --> 00:07:19,816
That way I'm certain
to lose money.
171
00:07:19,916 --> 00:07:20,993
But how are you
gonna find a business
172
00:07:21,017 --> 00:07:22,452
that you know will fail?
173
00:07:22,553 --> 00:07:24,531
Will you consult trend
forecasters or economists...
174
00:07:24,555 --> 00:07:25,822
Stop!
175
00:07:25,922 --> 00:07:28,592
I'm 11. I can find
anything on the Internet.
176
00:07:28,692 --> 00:07:30,060
That's how we do.
177
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:32,428
If this goes well, I'll
be so broke next year,
178
00:07:32,529 --> 00:07:34,397
I'll have to pay taxes.
179
00:07:37,367 --> 00:07:40,303
So, how did it go with Tinsley?
180
00:07:40,403 --> 00:07:43,173
Awful. In high school she
used to criticize everything.
181
00:07:43,273 --> 00:07:45,408
My skin, too soft.
My yacht, too big.
182
00:07:45,508 --> 00:07:47,844
My rendition of the Mouse
King in The Nutcracker,
183
00:07:47,944 --> 00:07:49,813
too graceful.
184
00:07:49,913 --> 00:07:51,157
Now all of a sudden,
she likes everything
185
00:07:51,181 --> 00:07:52,683
I put in front of her.
186
00:07:52,783 --> 00:07:55,485
She's up to something.
187
00:07:55,586 --> 00:07:57,020
How did last night
go with Superman?
188
00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:00,323
Was it a bird or a plane?
189
00:08:00,423 --> 00:08:05,095
I didn't have intercourse sex
with some rando in an alley.
190
00:08:05,195 --> 00:08:08,231
You had it in your bed?
Carly, he is a stranger.
191
00:08:08,331 --> 00:08:10,166
I'm giving him one more chance,
192
00:08:10,266 --> 00:08:12,569
but he's just not
really my type.
193
00:08:12,669 --> 00:08:13,937
Tall and handsome?
194
00:08:14,037 --> 00:08:16,372
Exactly. You know I like
'em short and nerdy.
195
00:08:16,472 --> 00:08:19,042
(robot voice):
Greetings, fellow humans.
196
00:08:22,112 --> 00:08:23,980
CARLY: Hey, buddy.
197
00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:25,357
What happened to
you this morning?
198
00:08:25,381 --> 00:08:27,017
I thought we were
gonna shoot Taco Tina
199
00:08:27,117 --> 00:08:28,585
doing her taco taxes.
200
00:08:28,685 --> 00:08:32,522
She's trying to claim
guac as a dependent.
201
00:08:32,623 --> 00:08:34,190
Sorry, no time to stop.
202
00:08:34,289 --> 00:08:36,993
We're almost up to the brown
yarn crown on Lady Liberty.
203
00:08:37,092 --> 00:08:38,895
Tomorrow we start knitting
the huddled masses
204
00:08:38,995 --> 00:08:41,898
yarning to breathe free.
205
00:08:41,998 --> 00:08:43,509
Well, it seems like
you made a little time
206
00:08:43,533 --> 00:08:47,103
to pick up some Froyo
for you and your fro-ho.
207
00:08:47,904 --> 00:08:49,272
Yeah, a little, uh, mint chip
208
00:08:49,372 --> 00:08:51,207
for me and my
little mint chippie.
209
00:08:51,307 --> 00:08:54,077
Mint chip? I thought you
were more of a coconut,
210
00:08:54,177 --> 00:08:55,979
passion fruit, peanut
butter with gummy bears,
211
00:08:56,079 --> 00:08:57,981
marshmallow sauce,
bagel chips kind of guy.
212
00:08:58,081 --> 00:09:00,817
Yeah, Pearl saw the baby
Mr. Peanut commercial,
213
00:09:00,917 --> 00:09:02,118
and now she doesn't feel like
214
00:09:02,218 --> 00:09:04,888
peanut butter is
vegetarian enough.
215
00:09:05,689 --> 00:09:08,558
Okay, well, I'm sure
we'll get to Taco Tina
216
00:09:08,659 --> 00:09:11,361
when you're finished with
your yogurt. (chuckles)
217
00:09:11,461 --> 00:09:13,697
- And your arts and crafts.
- Right.
218
00:09:13,797 --> 00:09:16,967
And being a father to Millicent.
219
00:09:18,835 --> 00:09:20,603
Hi, Carly. Sorry I'm late.
220
00:09:20,704 --> 00:09:23,039
Oh, hey, no problem.
The streets are a mess.
221
00:09:23,139 --> 00:09:24,941
I hate winters in
Seattle with all the...
222
00:09:25,041 --> 00:09:27,143
- Murder.
- What?
223
00:09:28,011 --> 00:09:30,013
So, how's the Froyo here?
224
00:09:31,047 --> 00:09:32,749
Well, I used to have
this favorite flavor
225
00:09:32,849 --> 00:09:35,686
that I would always get because
I knew I could count on it,
226
00:09:35,786 --> 00:09:38,588
but now I don't know
if I can count on him.
227
00:09:38,689 --> 00:09:40,623
I mean it.
228
00:09:40,724 --> 00:09:43,126
I know exactly what to do.
229
00:09:43,226 --> 00:09:45,829
Sir, we'd like
one of everything.
230
00:09:45,929 --> 00:09:49,165
Every flavor? You'd
do that for me?
231
00:09:49,265 --> 00:09:53,203
We can find a new
favorite together.
232
00:09:53,303 --> 00:09:56,172
I have a good feeling
about this one.
233
00:10:01,778 --> 00:10:04,114
(both grunt)
234
00:10:04,214 --> 00:10:07,918
- Not that one.
- That is curdled.
235
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:15,074
api.OpenSubtitles.org is deprecated, please
implement REST API from OpenSubtitles.com
236
00:10:18,628 --> 00:10:20,864
Carly, don't take
this personally,
237
00:10:20,964 --> 00:10:24,801
but I hate all your
contributions to our apartment.
238
00:10:24,901 --> 00:10:28,571
My new guy made me a canoe.
239
00:10:28,671 --> 00:10:30,106
Your new guy?
240
00:10:30,206 --> 00:10:32,608
I told you to get under
somebody, not boo'd up.
241
00:10:32,708 --> 00:10:34,811
And definitely not canoed up.
242
00:10:34,911 --> 00:10:39,783
Wouldn't it be crazy if I
met my soulmate on Scraps?
243
00:10:39,883 --> 00:10:42,853
Yes, that would be crazy.
244
00:10:43,887 --> 00:10:45,889
Carly, you said he didn't
get any of your jokes.
245
00:10:45,989 --> 00:10:48,892
Come on, Harper,
let me have this.
246
00:10:49,860 --> 00:10:52,095
Whatever. Free canoe.
247
00:10:56,833 --> 00:10:59,202
I bought a horrible
business so I can lose money
248
00:10:59,302 --> 00:11:00,503
and feel regular.
249
00:11:00,603 --> 00:11:01,680
You're both invited
to the opening.
250
00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:03,874
Did you know you're in a canoe?
251
00:11:03,974 --> 00:11:05,508
Did you know you're dressed like
252
00:11:05,608 --> 00:11:07,543
the president of
the Teletubbies?
253
00:11:07,643 --> 00:11:09,179
This is my nap cape.
254
00:11:09,279 --> 00:11:10,923
Maybe I shouldn't have
been so mean to Freddie
255
00:11:10,947 --> 00:11:12,949
about those night pants.
256
00:11:13,049 --> 00:11:14,450
If you want to seem average,
257
00:11:14,550 --> 00:11:16,152
maybe consider a
different outfit.
258
00:11:16,252 --> 00:11:17,997
And consider it I shall.
When next you see me,
259
00:11:18,021 --> 00:11:21,224
I will present as
an "av-er-ahj."
260
00:11:22,225 --> 00:11:23,426
I got to be out, too.
261
00:11:23,526 --> 00:11:25,996
I'm meeting Tinsley
in my apartment.
262
00:11:26,096 --> 00:11:29,599
- Wait, this is your apartment.
- Not today.
263
00:11:30,633 --> 00:11:32,702
Welcome to my spacious,
264
00:11:32,803 --> 00:11:35,772
purposely masculine condo.
265
00:11:35,872 --> 00:11:38,608
Wow, it's like a house
inside a building
266
00:11:38,708 --> 00:11:40,944
with other houses.
267
00:11:41,044 --> 00:11:43,179
I can't wait to show
you these new looks,
268
00:11:43,279 --> 00:11:45,281
of which I'm sure you'll
love every single one
269
00:11:45,381 --> 00:11:48,451
with no ulterior motive.
270
00:11:48,551 --> 00:11:52,588
(phony laughter)
271
00:11:55,191 --> 00:11:58,929
Um, Spencer, what are
you doing in my apartment
272
00:11:59,029 --> 00:12:01,998
on the one day I told
you not to be here?
273
00:12:02,098 --> 00:12:04,600
(New York accent): Uh,
Spencer? You mean John.
274
00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:07,003
Most average name
in the U.S. of A.
275
00:12:07,103 --> 00:12:09,172
And you know Harper because...
276
00:12:09,272 --> 00:12:10,706
Oh, I'm her handyman.
277
00:12:10,807 --> 00:12:14,044
I fix everything in this
fancy place of hers.
278
00:12:14,144 --> 00:12:16,746
If it isn't the gold toilet,
it's the diamond bidet.
279
00:12:16,847 --> 00:12:18,949
Fuggedaboudit!
280
00:12:19,049 --> 00:12:23,286
Well, if everything's fixed,
you can go now, Johnny.
281
00:12:23,386 --> 00:12:25,989
Okay, but before I
go, let me just say
282
00:12:26,089 --> 00:12:29,159
all this art here,
it speaks to me,
283
00:12:29,259 --> 00:12:30,426
the average man.
284
00:12:30,526 --> 00:12:32,829
I go home to my
plain but loving wife
285
00:12:32,929 --> 00:12:34,030
and my 2.5 kids...
286
00:12:34,130 --> 00:12:35,665
Also plain, not so loving...
287
00:12:35,765 --> 00:12:38,034
I feel better about
my whole existence.
288
00:12:38,134 --> 00:12:42,438
All because of this
100% relatable art.
289
00:12:42,538 --> 00:12:44,440
Oh!
290
00:12:44,540 --> 00:12:46,318
(normal voice): Oh, hey, Harper,
remember, my club opening is tonight.
291
00:12:46,342 --> 00:12:48,811
- I'd love to see you there.
- Did you lose your accent?
292
00:12:48,912 --> 00:12:50,914
(New York accent):
Fuggedaboudit!
293
00:12:56,119 --> 00:13:00,823
Sister Axe 2: Axe in the Habit.
294
00:13:00,924 --> 00:13:03,226
You bought a Sister Act
themed axe-throwing bar?
295
00:13:03,326 --> 00:13:06,562
(normal voice): Yup. I'm gonna
lose some real money on this one.
296
00:13:06,662 --> 00:13:08,941
(New York accent): Oh, but until
then, hey, what better place
297
00:13:08,965 --> 00:13:11,534
for a regular guy
to drink a beer?
298
00:13:11,634 --> 00:13:15,705
? And throw an
axe for America. ?
299
00:13:19,309 --> 00:13:22,045
Millicent, where
did you get those?
300
00:13:22,145 --> 00:13:25,248
My allowance, my business.
301
00:13:25,348 --> 00:13:27,650
Oh, and when I'm axing,
don't call me Millicent.
302
00:13:27,750 --> 00:13:29,752
Call me Minnesota Slim.
303
00:13:31,587 --> 00:13:33,924
Hey, Carly. Hey, Superman.
304
00:13:34,024 --> 00:13:35,725
I call you Superman
because, well,
305
00:13:35,825 --> 00:13:37,693
you've seen yourself
in a mirror?
306
00:13:37,793 --> 00:13:39,462
I have.
307
00:13:39,562 --> 00:13:41,240
Hey, uh, why don't you
go get yourself a drink
308
00:13:41,264 --> 00:13:43,266
so we can talk about
how cute you are?
309
00:13:43,366 --> 00:13:45,001
Yes, and.
310
00:13:46,269 --> 00:13:47,746
After my second date
with Carly, I read
311
00:13:47,770 --> 00:13:49,372
the Wikipedia page for comedy.
312
00:13:49,472 --> 00:13:51,174
It's funny stuff.
313
00:13:51,274 --> 00:13:55,078
(girls giggle)
314
00:13:56,746 --> 00:13:58,548
Isn't Troy so sweet?
315
00:13:58,648 --> 00:14:01,952
I've seen that Wikipedia
page, and it is long.
316
00:14:03,653 --> 00:14:05,288
You almost got my face.
317
00:14:05,388 --> 00:14:07,823
If Troy's so sweet,
why are you looking at
318
00:14:07,924 --> 00:14:11,294
Freddie and Puddles? Prune.
319
00:14:11,394 --> 00:14:13,229
What is her name?
320
00:14:13,329 --> 00:14:16,066
I'm looking because
I'm so happy for them.
321
00:14:16,166 --> 00:14:18,134
But I'm even happier for me.
322
00:14:18,234 --> 00:14:20,803
And to celebrate our
collective happiness,
323
00:14:20,903 --> 00:14:22,505
I am going to march
right over there
324
00:14:22,605 --> 00:14:24,307
and love Pearl's shoes.
325
00:14:24,407 --> 00:14:25,908
- Carly, you wouldn't.
- But I would.
326
00:14:26,009 --> 00:14:27,169
We both know what that means.
327
00:14:27,210 --> 00:14:29,245
Yes. That I am comfortable...
328
00:14:29,345 --> 00:14:32,415
Nay, that I celebrate
their relationship
329
00:14:32,515 --> 00:14:34,951
because I have moved on to
a celebratory relationship
330
00:14:35,051 --> 00:14:38,054
of my own with
Harrison Jesus Ford.
331
00:14:38,154 --> 00:14:42,258
Or it's a Trojan
horse of a compliment
332
00:14:42,358 --> 00:14:44,827
meant to trick your
ex's new girlfriend
333
00:14:44,927 --> 00:14:46,172
into thinking that you're
chill about them dating,
334
00:14:46,196 --> 00:14:48,598
when really you
are dying inside.
335
00:14:48,698 --> 00:14:51,301
Except I'm not dying inside
because in this situation
336
00:14:51,401 --> 00:14:53,203
he is not my ex, I legit
love Pearl's shoes,
337
00:14:53,303 --> 00:14:55,038
and I have never been so alive.
338
00:14:55,138 --> 00:14:57,273
Now hold my purse!
339
00:14:57,373 --> 00:14:59,642
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Carly.
340
00:14:59,742 --> 00:15:03,513
Thanks for the yarn. It
saved our relationship.
341
00:15:04,780 --> 00:15:08,418
I just came over to say...
342
00:15:08,518 --> 00:15:10,753
I love your shoes.
343
00:15:10,853 --> 00:15:14,557
You love my shoes?
344
00:15:14,657 --> 00:15:16,359
That is so sweet of you, Carly.
345
00:15:16,459 --> 00:15:19,095
And here, I told her not
to wear socks with sandals.
346
00:15:19,195 --> 00:15:21,864
But I'm not a
fashionista, like you two.
347
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:25,635
Well, I am so glad you
didn't listen, Pearl,
348
00:15:25,735 --> 00:15:31,307
because I love your shoes.
349
00:15:32,275 --> 00:15:34,777
Carly!
350
00:15:34,877 --> 00:15:36,022
Is this the big
stack of pancakes
351
00:15:36,046 --> 00:15:37,713
who built you the canoe?
352
00:15:37,813 --> 00:15:39,882
Guilty.
353
00:15:39,982 --> 00:15:43,019
(awkward laughter)
354
00:15:48,724 --> 00:15:52,328
Wow, you actually showed up.
355
00:15:52,428 --> 00:15:54,330
It's Saturday night,
and Rihanna's not free
356
00:15:54,430 --> 00:15:57,333
'cause she's busy
with her "baby."
357
00:15:57,433 --> 00:16:00,403
Who needs babies? Get a puppy.
358
00:16:00,503 --> 00:16:02,738
At least you can put
it in your purse.
359
00:16:02,838 --> 00:16:05,175
My mother raised me in a purse.
360
00:16:08,244 --> 00:16:10,946
So, my guy, what do
you like building more,
361
00:16:11,047 --> 00:16:13,683
tables or those muscles you got?
362
00:16:13,783 --> 00:16:15,618
(laughs)
363
00:16:15,718 --> 00:16:18,354
Was that comedy?
364
00:16:18,454 --> 00:16:19,922
Not really.
365
00:16:22,092 --> 00:16:23,335
I feel like you just
made that weird.
366
00:16:23,359 --> 00:16:24,836
What is your problem
with them dating?
367
00:16:24,860 --> 00:16:26,862
No problem. I'm problem-free.
368
00:16:26,962 --> 00:16:29,832
I got 99 problems,
but Carly ain't one.
369
00:16:29,932 --> 00:16:33,103
- Oh, so I'm your 99 problems?
- No.
370
00:16:33,203 --> 00:16:34,637
And neither is this situation.
371
00:16:34,737 --> 00:16:35,905
I am comfortable with...
372
00:16:36,005 --> 00:16:37,616
Nay, I celebrate Carly's
new relationship.
373
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:39,041
Now hold my axe!
374
00:16:40,910 --> 00:16:43,813
Hey, I think that
you are a great guy.
375
00:16:43,913 --> 00:16:45,881
In fact, you know what?
376
00:16:45,981 --> 00:16:48,118
I love your shoes.
377
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:53,456
(roaring)
378
00:17:01,664 --> 00:17:04,167
Damn, I missed.
379
00:17:09,671 --> 00:17:12,041
- What is with you two?
- There is no "us two."
380
00:17:12,141 --> 00:17:13,176
I chose you.
381
00:17:13,276 --> 00:17:15,277
Oh, did you? No
one told Pearl.
382
00:17:15,378 --> 00:17:18,046
Pearl! With a "P."
383
00:17:18,148 --> 00:17:19,482
I know what you're doing.
384
00:17:19,582 --> 00:17:21,359
Loving my shoes is a Trojan
horse of a compliment
385
00:17:21,383 --> 00:17:23,119
meant to trick me into
thinking you're chill
386
00:17:23,218 --> 00:17:25,688
about me and Freddie when
really you are dying inside.
387
00:17:25,787 --> 00:17:28,691
Damn, I called
that word for word.
388
00:17:28,791 --> 00:17:31,093
You two are obsessed
with each other.
389
00:17:31,194 --> 00:17:32,995
But ask yourselves,
when does Pearl
390
00:17:33,095 --> 00:17:35,030
get to belly up to
the love buffet?
391
00:17:35,131 --> 00:17:36,699
Pearl's hungry, too.
392
00:17:36,799 --> 00:17:38,234
You know what?
393
00:17:38,334 --> 00:17:40,170
You suck,
394
00:17:40,270 --> 00:17:42,438
and you suck.
395
00:17:42,538 --> 00:17:44,507
You definitely suck,
396
00:17:44,607 --> 00:17:46,809
and you're, you're just mean.
397
00:17:46,909 --> 00:17:48,578
I'm an acquired taste.
398
00:17:48,678 --> 00:17:51,080
And you...
399
00:17:51,181 --> 00:17:53,015
Oh, that is a hefty bun.
400
00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:56,051
(Troy laughs hard)
401
00:17:56,152 --> 00:17:57,287
I'm sorry, Carly,
402
00:17:57,387 --> 00:17:58,788
it's really important
that I be with
403
00:17:58,888 --> 00:18:00,608
someone funny, and what
Pearl said was funny
404
00:18:00,690 --> 00:18:02,992
because it's true.
405
00:18:03,926 --> 00:18:06,028
Pearl's gonna eat tonight.
406
00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:09,732
Uh, you can keep the canoe,
but don't get it wet.
407
00:18:17,340 --> 00:18:20,176
I guess we're breakup buddies.
408
00:18:20,276 --> 00:18:22,978
What is Troy's last name?
409
00:18:23,078 --> 00:18:25,248
Canoe.
410
00:18:26,782 --> 00:18:29,252
Yeah, it's not the same.
411
00:18:29,352 --> 00:18:33,055
But now you'll have
more time for iCarly.
412
00:18:33,155 --> 00:18:37,293
Really? I just got dumped
by my girlfriend of a year,
413
00:18:37,393 --> 00:18:41,997
and you're thinking about
how it helps you?! Wow.
414
00:18:42,097 --> 00:18:44,234
Freddie, wait.
415
00:18:44,334 --> 00:18:49,305
So, I guess old Minnesota
Slim's gonna need a ride home.
416
00:18:50,673 --> 00:18:53,643
25-cent beers.
417
00:18:53,743 --> 00:18:57,046
I usually throw
quarters in the trash.
418
00:18:57,146 --> 00:18:59,682
My child, your card has
been super declined.
419
00:18:59,782 --> 00:19:01,451
Have a blessed day.
420
00:19:01,551 --> 00:19:06,289
Ah, yes, that's just because
the minimum charge is $75,000.
421
00:19:06,389 --> 00:19:07,823
Harper, please.
422
00:19:07,923 --> 00:19:09,692
I wasn't born yesterday.
423
00:19:09,792 --> 00:19:11,727
I've been out of
the purse for years.
424
00:19:11,827 --> 00:19:13,796
You didn't get a
skull replacement,
425
00:19:13,896 --> 00:19:16,198
and that handyman is
not from New York.
426
00:19:16,299 --> 00:19:18,200
(New York accent):
Oh, you talking to me?
427
00:19:18,301 --> 00:19:20,236
Bodega.
428
00:19:22,705 --> 00:19:24,340
You knew?
429
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:26,909
That's why you were
pretending to like everything.
430
00:19:27,009 --> 00:19:29,879
You were a bully then,
and you're a bully now.
431
00:19:29,979 --> 00:19:31,714
Gathering information
about my pathetic life
432
00:19:31,814 --> 00:19:33,091
so you can tell
everyone that I have
433
00:19:33,115 --> 00:19:35,918
a credit card with a limit.
434
00:19:36,018 --> 00:19:38,754
What are you talking
about? I love your ideas.
435
00:19:38,854 --> 00:19:40,356
And you bullied me.
436
00:19:40,456 --> 00:19:43,326
You told the entire school
my Prada was a frauda.
437
00:19:43,426 --> 00:19:45,661
You told the entire
school that my au pair
438
00:19:45,761 --> 00:19:46,829
was from Wisconsin.
439
00:19:46,929 --> 00:19:48,298
An au pair from Eau Claire?
440
00:19:48,398 --> 00:19:49,699
How could I not dare?
441
00:19:49,799 --> 00:19:51,033
You were such a bitch.
442
00:19:51,133 --> 00:19:52,468
You were such a bitch.
443
00:19:52,568 --> 00:19:54,737
Well, guess what, I still am.
444
00:19:54,837 --> 00:19:57,673
Well, guess what, so am I.
445
00:20:02,412 --> 00:20:07,216
Wait, did you only hire me
because you wanted to kiss me
446
00:20:07,317 --> 00:20:08,384
this whole time?
447
00:20:08,484 --> 00:20:09,884
(scoffs) I can't
believe it took you
448
00:20:09,952 --> 00:20:12,722
this long to figure it
out, you stupid bitch.
449
00:20:14,524 --> 00:20:16,225
(knock on door)
450
00:20:17,460 --> 00:20:19,094
Coconut-passion
fruit- peanut butter
451
00:20:19,194 --> 00:20:22,865
with gummy bears, marshmallow
sauce, and bagel chips.
452
00:20:22,965 --> 00:20:24,334
I know you're a
mint chip guy now,
453
00:20:24,434 --> 00:20:27,503
but this used to
always cheer you up.
454
00:20:27,603 --> 00:20:31,374
Thanks.
455
00:20:31,474 --> 00:20:36,145
Mmm. Screw you, baby Mr. Peanut.
456
00:20:36,245 --> 00:20:37,580
What do you want?
457
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:39,281
To apologize.
458
00:20:39,382 --> 00:20:41,417
I'm listening.
459
00:20:41,517 --> 00:20:44,053
I was being selfish.
460
00:20:44,153 --> 00:20:46,389
I was just excited to
have my Freddie back
461
00:20:46,489 --> 00:20:50,626
so we could make
Captain American Cheese
462
00:20:50,726 --> 00:20:51,961
and do Taco Tina's...
463
00:20:52,061 --> 00:20:53,963
You know, I think before
we do any of that,
464
00:20:54,063 --> 00:20:55,598
we actually need
to listen to Pearl.
465
00:20:55,698 --> 00:20:58,668
Freddie, the peanuts cannot
feel you eating them.
466
00:20:58,768 --> 00:21:00,870
No.
467
00:21:02,938 --> 00:21:04,640
Pearl was right
when she said that
468
00:21:04,740 --> 00:21:06,442
we have an unhealthy
relationship.
469
00:21:06,542 --> 00:21:08,944
What?! We're so healthy.
470
00:21:09,044 --> 00:21:11,246
I mean, my blood's, like,
12% cheese right now,
471
00:21:11,347 --> 00:21:14,216
but come on, we're
Freddie and Carly.
472
00:21:14,316 --> 00:21:17,252
Yeah, but now Carly and Freddie
are hurting other people
473
00:21:17,353 --> 00:21:18,488
and each other.
474
00:21:18,588 --> 00:21:22,725
I mean, we're a mess.
We got to fix it.
475
00:21:22,825 --> 00:21:24,427
How?
476
00:21:24,527 --> 00:21:26,696
Are we supposed to go back
to the way things were
477
00:21:26,796 --> 00:21:27,797
when we were kids?
478
00:21:27,897 --> 00:21:29,198
Uh, you mean
479
00:21:29,298 --> 00:21:30,818
where I follow you
around like a puppy,
480
00:21:30,866 --> 00:21:32,334
and you take me for granted?
481
00:21:32,435 --> 00:21:34,136
No, thank you.
482
00:21:35,438 --> 00:21:38,374
We got to figure out how
to be friends as adults.
483
00:21:40,275 --> 00:21:42,778
Adult friends.
484
00:21:42,878 --> 00:21:45,981
I can work with that.
485
00:21:46,081 --> 00:21:47,349
I can work with anything
486
00:21:47,450 --> 00:21:51,421
as long as we're still
Freddie and Carly.
487
00:21:51,521 --> 00:21:54,189
It's Carly and Freddie.
488
00:22:04,634 --> 00:22:07,002
Bye.
489
00:22:10,305 --> 00:22:13,509
(door shuts)
490
00:22:15,010 --> 00:22:17,613
Hmm. That was weird.
491
00:22:17,713 --> 00:22:20,483
I got to call my knee guy.
492
00:22:25,020 --> 00:22:26,622
Damn you, gods!
493
00:22:26,722 --> 00:22:30,626
Why have you cursed me with
unconditional success?!
494
00:22:30,726 --> 00:22:33,763
Fuggedaboudit!
495
00:22:33,863 --> 00:22:35,631
Johnny Cakes.
496
00:22:35,731 --> 00:22:37,467
Mini Slim.
497
00:22:37,567 --> 00:22:39,902
Spencer, I need a ride home.
498
00:23:11,767 --> 00:23:13,769
Ooh!
499
00:23:14,305 --> 00:24:14,483
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