All language subtitles for Dickie Roberts Former Child Star (2003) en

[MARACAS RATTLING
RHYTHMICALLY]

[FUNKY BASS PLAYS]

JUNE CLEAVER:
Ward, I'm very worried
about Beaver.

PETER BRADY:
Mom's favorite vase.

BOBBY BRADY:
She's always says,
don't play ball in the house.

RALPH MALPH:
Sit on it, Fonzie.

FONZIE:
Hey!

ALEX P. KEATON:
What about me, Mallory?

What about my feelings?

J.J. EVANS: Hey, I knew
everything would be all right.

Dyno-mite!

[E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY
THEME PLAYS]

NARRATOR:
During the '70s, millions
huddled in front of their TVs

to watch the frothy antics
of The Glimmer Gang.

Little Dickie Roberts
formed the center of the show,

and his crooked smile

and casually tossed off
catch phrases

became the fad of a nation
longing for escapism.

This is his story.

Peggy Roberts
had only one goal in life...

to be in showbiz.

And when she got pregnant,

she felt like
it only slowed her down.

Peggy never said for sure
who the father was,

but the most persistent rumor

concluded
that it was David Soul,

the talented, hunky actor
from Starsky and Hutch.

Don't give up on us, baby...

And on July 2, 1967,

Dickie Roberts
came into the world.

Peggy began auditioning him
for acting parts almost daily.

Here's Peggy Roberts
in a 1989 interview.

When it came to auditions,

I used to dress him up
for the part, whatever it was.

I mean, if they wanted a cowboy,

they got a cowboy.

Even if they wanted a girl,
I'd give them one.

Do you know that he once
auditioned

for Pippi Longstocking?

And he got the part.

I felt so stupid
walking into an office

holding the kid's hand.

It was rough on me.

NARRATOR:
Then, in 1972, when NBC

created a show called
The Glimmer Gang,

Dickie was cast immediately.

The show became
an instant success

and soon Dickie's picture
was plastered on magazines,

lunch boxes and board games.

And his trademark catchphrase
was everywhere.

This is Nucking Futs!

[CANNED LAUGHTER]

But after six years of success,
the ratings began to slip.

And just as fast as the Dickie
phenomenon exploded,

it was over.

Dickie's mother,
soon after, left him

and moved out of the area.

He found himself alone.

Here's former Eight is Enough
star Dick Van Patten.

Stardom is really hard
on child actors,

and when you throw in a horrible
stage mother like Peggy Roberts,

poor little Dickie
had no chance.

NARRATOR: Nobody would hire
the troubled actor,

and pictures surfaced
of Dickie's odd behavior...

including compulsive
glove wearing.

He had his name legally changed
to "David Soul's Son."

Then, tired of explaining
who David Soul was,

he tried "Hutch's Son."

Later, he changed it again

to the element chart symbols

for fluorine, titanium and zinc.

Today, Dickie Roberts

is certain
that a showbiz comeback

is in the cards for him.

He is working
as a valet parking cars.

But as everybody knows,

in Hollywood, sometimes your
dreams can come true... again.

[CHEERING]

This is the story
of Dickie Roberts,

the E! True Hollywood Story.

Hi, everybody, welcome back
to celebrity boxing

with our special
"Quake at the Lake" edition.

Tonight's going
to be an amazing fight.

Our main event is about to begin

and is going to be
the clash of the titans.

Former Websterstar
Emmanuel Lewis goes toe-to-toe

with former Glimmer Gangstar
Dickie Roberts.

Coming to the ring
in the white trunks,

from The Glimmer Gang,

Dickie...

Roberts!

[BOOING]

[CHUCKLING]

[BOOING]

[LAUGHS]

[CHEERING]

And now, his opponent,

wearing black trunks,

standing four feet,
three inches,

weighing 92 pounds,

Emmanuel... Lewis!

[CHEERING]

[HARDCORE RAP MUSIC PLAYS]

[CHEERING]

It's Lewis time.

Lewis time, baby.

It's Lewis, you understand me?

Right now.

Tonight, Lewis time. Lewis time.

Uh-oh, look.

[GIRLS CHANTING "LEWIS"]

When was this guy in the joint?

You suck. Huh?

What did she just say?
Did you hear her?

[YELLING]

[GRUNTING]

Get down there!

[WHIMPERING]

Ow! Let's be friends!

Yeah!

Where you going?

I liked your show.

[GRUNTING]

Off the mat, sir.

I'm throwing in the towel.
No, no, no.

[GROANING]

[CHEERING]

The winner, Celebrity K.O.
Champion...

[SCREAMS]

The winner!

WOMAN:
I can't believe this.

Uh... what am I doing here?

Come on, Cyndi,
it's just a flat tire.

We'll get it fixed.

Then we'll be back home
to Hollywood.

I like your hat.

Shut up.

First you get your ass kicked

by some guy
who's half your size...

I-I think he's on the juice.

No, I think you're just a puss.

Look, we're broke,

okay?

Maybe now might be a good time

to try to sell
that stupid autobiography

you write all the time.

I-I can't publish

this right now,

because it ends up with me
being a loser.

I have to wait to publish it

until I'm back on top,
which I will be soon, I swear.

I'm going to have
a big comeback.

There's something
you got to face, baby.

Okay, there's not going
to be any comeback.

Yes, there will be.

Yes, there will be,

I know it.

So pathetic.

There has to be!

[SHOUTING]

Dickie!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Grab it! Whoa, no!

Maybe we can drive it
out of here.

Does insurance cover that?

What, being a moron?

No, they squeeze out of it

with that
Act of An Idiot clause.

DICKIE:
Ooh, here comes a car.

All right, now you get in

and then stall them
so I can get in, too.

Yeah, I know the drill, champ.

Hey.

Where you going, stud?

It's up to you, sweetheart.

[ENGINE REVS]

Hey, wait!

Cyndi, open up!

Cyndi, come on!

What are you doing?

Come on, I'll be a star again.

Lifestyles
of the rich and the famous

They're always complaining

Always complaining

That money is such a problem

But they got mansions

Think we should rob them

Lifestyles
of the rich and famous.

MAN:
Dickie.

Leif, wow, how you doing?

Fine man.

Good to see you.

Oh, my God.
You're Leif Garrett.

I used to have
such a crush on you.

Can I have your autograph?

You guys want my autograph, too?
Dickie Roberts?

No, I'm fine.

How about if I put it
on a $5 bill?

Make it a $20?

[LAUGHING]

Thanks.

They're sweet.

So, Dickie, how you
been, what's up?

Just got back from
a very successful TV stint.

No such thing
as bad press, right?

Unless it's that.

[CHUCKLING]

So, Leif, what have
you been up to?

I got a record out
that I'm happy about.

Rock and roll, man.

Went on an acting audition

about three months ago.

Well, that's great man.

I've been going on movie
auditions all the time,

Hey, you going to read for
Mr. Blake's Backyard?

I definitely am.

I was... where...

What-What's that one again?

Rob Reiner's new film?

It's the talk of the town.

Yes, Rob Reiner.

My God, did his dog
have puppies yet?

Ooh, I should send him a note.

You know what,
I have to call him anyway.

I left my sweater
in his guest room.

It's called
Mr. Blake's Backyard?

Remember how Frank Sinatra
in his comeback

played Maggio in
From Here to Eternity,

and then won the Oscar?

Or like Travolta
in Pulp Fiction?

It's the role of
a lifetime, man.

Great.
Leif, I got to go.

It was good to see you, man.

Hey, are we still on
for poker Thursday?

DICKIE:
Cyndi, where are you?

I've left three messages.

Listen, there's this new movie,
it's a Rob Reiner movie.

You got to get me in...

Dickie.
Go to go.

Are you going
to park cars or what?

They're stacking up?

Yes, sir, Mr. Rollins.

Look, Dickie, the only
reason I hired you

is I used to watch your show,

and your life
is kind of pathetic.

Thanks for being a fan.

You never get anywhere unless
you bend the rules a little bit.

Woo-hoo.

[PHONE RINGING]

MAN: Uh, this is
the Wernick Agency.

This is his assistant...
Shaquikwa speaking.

Sidney, where the hell
have you been?

I've been calling all morning.

Hey, you know those pigeons
I feed?

They attacked me,
six of the bastards.

I had to go get stitches.

Wait a second, wait a second.

[HONKING]

Oh, come on,
what is this guy doing?

Hey, move that pile.

The light ain't getting
any greener, jarhead.

Hey, screw you, man.

Why don't you step
out of that little,

bitty wussy car
and talk to my face, huh?

Hey, screw you.

[GROWLS]

I'll kick your
steroid-loving ass, moron.

Jujube.

I'm going to bust you up, man.

Smell you later, stink bomb.

I'll find you.

Three, G, Q...

Hey, Dickie, aren't you worried
about that guy

tracking you down and beating
the crap out of you?

No, I'm in someone else's car,
plus the windows are tinted.

Hey, listen, this movie part

sounds like
the key to everything, man.

You've got to get me in
to see Rob Reiner.

And as your agent,
let me ask you this...

you got any ideas?

'Cause, I mean, that's just
way out of our league.

Now, you want
to get on Elimidate,

that's a different story.

I think if I talk
to some movie stars,

they can help me.

Yeah, you, where are you
going to meet movie stars?

Oh, man, that's the easy part.

WOMAN: So, I woke up in a boxcar
outside Lincoln, Nebraska.

All right, it was
5:00 in the morning.

Hey, Tom Arnold, what's up?

Hey, hey, it's Tom "A"
in here, okay?

And keep quiet;
it's just getting good.

She's a cross-addicted
sex addict.

Ooh.

And I realized

that I had hit bottom.

I hit bottom.

I see you on TV all the time.

You're doing great.
Listen, what's up?

Hey, Orville and Wilbur called.

They want to buy your collars.

They're going to take off
from Kitty Hawk at sundown.

What does that mean?

They invented the airplane,

and your lapels
are unusually huge.

That's funny.

Yeah.

Or is it?

I can bench-press 350 pounds.

That's great.
That's a lot.

Hey, man, I see you everywhere.

You're kicking ass.

True Lieswas great.

I rent it all the time.

Can you get me in
with Rob Reiner?

Excuse me. Sir?

Can we help you?

Are you here
because you're an alcoholic?

Whoa. No. No. Baby.

Don't get that
floating around town.

Last thing I need
is people to think

I'm some drunk, alkie loser.

Not that it's bad.
I mean, it's cool.

You need to be
an alcoholic to be here.

All right.

Aw, there's got to be another AA
meeting around here somewhere.

Bingo. I'll take Brendan Fraser
to block.

Whew! Sorry I'm late, gang,
but I am wasted.

Drinking shots

like a madman.

I'm shocked,
cocked and crapulous.

You know what I mean?

One tequila, two tequila,
three tequila, floor.

Right? Who's with me?

This guy knows what I'm saying.

[GARGLING]

Can we help you?

Oh, God, I hope you can.

My name's Dickie Roberts,

and I'm a whiskey-puking alkie.

Well, that's all
very interesting,

but this is a Lamaze class.

Oh. Okay. Nice to see you.

I'm telling this story
to everybody I see.

That's got to be the dumbest
thing I've ever witnessed.

Maybe it was.

But listen, what are you doing

in Lamaze class anyway?

Is your wife pregnant?

Yeah.
My wife is pregnant.

Here she is now.
Have you met?

Uh... no.
Actually, we have.

Three years ago, you hit on me,
and I shot you down,

and then you stole my number
from a friend.

You know that we've been married

more than three years, right?

And then you drunk-dialed me,

like, 30 times, trying to hook
up some sort of booty call.

Yes, right. What's up?

Anyway, I got to pee.

Nice to see you.

Yes. Good to see you again.

Anyway, Brendan,

I'm a big fan and...

And you think
that you could score

if I got you an audition
for Mr. Blake's Backyard?

Oh, my God. Of course.

Yeah, I can make a phone call
for you. Is it Rob Reiner?

Oh, my God!
I love Brendan Frazier.

Fraser.

It is Fraser.

It's Fraser.
Why do people say...?

So, my good buddy...

maybe you've heard of him-

Jorge of the Jungle...
Brendan Fraser.

Oh, you heard me.

I didn't stutter.

Brendan Fraser is
going to make a call...

hook me up with Rob Reiner.

Did Mr. Fraser call you?

I'll believe it when I see it.

Okay, I raise ten bucks.

Actually, one buck

and the original
braces that Marcia wore

in the "Brace
Yourself" episode...

easily worth nine bucks on eBay.

Gross. I'm in.

All right, I'm in.

All right,
speaking of big stars,

anybody seen who People Magazine
gave Sexiest Man Alive to?

George Clooney. Don't get it.

George Clooney? That
doesn't make sense.

Who is voting on that stuff?

You know what, though?

George Clooney is a great star.

He's huge, and deservedly so.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

I loved that boat movie.

You know who I don't
get is Brad Pitt.

Yeah, what's up with Brad Pitt?

Brad Pitt changes
his hair every day.

Are girls really into guys
with great hair,

pretty faces
and built like a truck?

Yeah. Actually, yeah.

You know, one time,

someone thought I was
Brad Pitt from the side.

Yeah, and 20 people

thought you were a girl,
but not from the side.

Watch it.

I raise two bucks

with this

authentic replica of the jinxed

Tiki idol from the Bradyepisode

"Hawaii Bound."

Easily worth two bucks on eBay.

I am out.

Yeah, I'm out.

I'm out.

There's your two.

And you know who I don't get?
Vin Diesel.

Oh, yes!

Who's Vin Diesel?

Is he good-looking?

I mean, I don't know

what's going on with him.

Is he Chinese?
I don't know.

That's so horrible, man.

You're such a dick.

Besides, he'd kick your ass.

Come on, Dickie.

How jealous can you get, really?

It's getting bad.

Vin Diesel's actually
a cool guy.

Yeah.
Yeah.

He actually lent me money once.

I just want to be a star again
so goddamn bad.

What's the thing
you miss the most, Dickie?

You know what?
It's not the limos.

Oh, I miss the limos.

It's not the girls,

the money, the parties...

Girls.Girls.
Girls.

The money.
Money.

Wait. Seriously,
you guys had limos?

You know what?
It's not that stuff I miss.

It's something else.
It... it's something

I miss so bad it hurts.

I just miss the love, you know?

I miss... My mom loved me when I
was a star,

and people loved me
when I was a star.

And when somebody loves you,

it gives you center.

It makes you

feel good inside.

That's what being a star
did for me.

But you know what?

It's all going to happen.

I got my fingers crossed.

I got my hopes up
for this Rob Reiner thing.

Anyway... back to work.

Two pair, Williams.

Read it and weep.

Uh-uh-uh!

What are you, nucking futs?

[LAUGHING]

Four of a kind.

You lose.

Oh, man.

They don't give out giant Rob
Reiner parts to guys like us.

I'll bet you
a thousand dollars...

I'll make it a hundred dollars...

and the actual football we used
to hit Marcia in the face with

in that "Oh, My Nose, My Nose"

episode,

Brendan Fraser never calls.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hold, please.

Go for Dickie.

Brendan.

Of course I can meet Rob Reiner
tomorrow at noon.

You're the coolest.
You came through.

Thank you.

Oh, my God!
He did it!

Sidney, this is the big one.

I'm telling you, I can feel it.

Thanks for letting me
use your car.

You go, son. Go.
You hang on to that energy.

Oh, I will. I'm going
to nail this bastard.

All right, now, remember:

You believe, you'll receive.

You doubt, you'll go without.

Oh, here's my song. I got to go.

In the night

My body's weak

I'm on the run, no time to sleep

I'm going to ride

Ride like the wind

To be a star again

Changing the words,
not the vibe.

Whoo-hoo! This part is mine!

Boom.

Hold the door!

Okay.

Hold it.

I've got it.

Ooh!

Oh.

Hello?

Of course.

Listen, sorry about that.

It's just that I couldn't
be late to see Rob.

Yikes! I mean, not yikes.

I mean, what bump?

Hey, are these

Mr. Blake's Backyard?
Can I have one?

Everybody in town
is dying to read it,

but this script is on
a complete and total lockdown.

However...

I'll sneak you a copy

'cause I recognize
you from that TV show.

Sure.
Ooh, you will?

Although you'll have to wait

until hell freezes over,
asshole!

[PHONE RINGS]

Yes?

Yeah.

Mr. Reiner will see you now.

Okay.

Dickie

Roberts!

This is nucking futs!

Say it.

This is nucking futs!

Hilarious.

Now say it in Spanish.

Aw, I'm kidding ya.

So Nicholson says
to Tom Cruise...

you know, in that...
that Jack voice of his...

"That Demi Moore
is a really good actress.

"We should re-title the movie

A Few Good Men and One Damn,
Hot Chick with Huge Boobs."

[LAUGHING]

Didn't I see you

parking cars
at Morton's Restaurant?

Me?

Yes, you did.

I'm researching
a role for a movie,

and that movie
is called Valet Parkers.

But you know what?

If I got your movie, I'd turn
that thing down. Who cares?

So this part...

I mean, you are exactly
the height that I imagined.

You have the right build,
the right hair,

the right basic look.

Know this:

I will do any form

of drastic cosmetic surgery

to change my appearance

to help the look.

But... and this

is a very big but...

this is a huge acting part.

I mean, the entire movie

hinges on this performance.

And, Dickie, I just don't think
you could handle it.

I mean, because, well...

because you're
not a real person.

Not real?

I don't mean to insult you.

It's just that, you know,
when an actor researches a part,

it takes weeks,
sometimes months,

to get inside of a character.

For you to research this part,

you'd have to find out
what it's like to be normal.

Because basically,
that's this guy.

He's just a simple, normal guy.

I could do that. That's easy.

But you don't even know
what normal is.

You completely missed out

on the basic foundation
of adulthood...

which is a childhood.

Who cares about all that stuff?

Look, I'm good.

Throw me
a little somethin'-somethin'

from this supposed childhood
I missed, I'll act it out, man.

Check it out.

A-All right. Uh...

Let's say you're...
you're six.

Uh, let me see
the look on your face

on Christmas morning
when you creep down the stairs

and you see that red bike
under the tree.

You probably never
even had that experience.

Gotcha, six, bike, tree, stairs.

[WHISPERS]:
Fake stairs.

Holy shit! A bike!

You're six.

Holy crap! A bike!

You're six.

Ga-ga, goo-goo bikey.

Too far back.

Dickie, you're a mess.

I mean, I-I don't know
what you'd have to do

You'd probably have to relive
your entire childhood.

Wait.

I'm not actually
casting this part

for another couple of months,

but barring some kind
of a miracle,
Yeah.

I just don't think
this is right for you.

But you just said...

Said what?

If I relive my childhood.

I can do that.

Dickie,
you're going to hire a family?

That's why I'm selling
my book... I need money.

We're happy about that.

This is amazing stuff.

What a life you've led.

The only thing I ask

is that you minimize the
sexy, sensational stuff

because it might hurt my career

with people like Rob Reiner.

Here on, uh, page 47,
it says you had a whistle

stuck up your ass.

Yeah, stuff like that.

I think we should
[CLICKS TONGUE]cut it.

Yeah, but it's a whole chapter.

It's fantastic.
And, also,

I had a light bulb
up there, too.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

A light bulb?
Well, partially.

It was sticking out a little bit
and when I bent over,

it looked like my ass
had a good idea.

Dickie, this whole thing
just sounds bizarre.

No, you know what, I need this.

You know I want a big comeback
and this is the one.

Please help me on
this, Sidney. Come on.

Of course,

our standard advance

for something like this
is $30,000.

Did you say $30,000?

Holy God Almighty!

Christ on a crutch!

We'll take it!

[SPANISH RAP SONG PLAYS]

[ANSWERING MACHINE]:
You have 67 messages.

First message:
[BEEPS]

MAN: I saw your ad
about hiring a family.

[BARKS VICIOUSLY]

[WHIMPERS]

You that actor guy
needs a family?

Uh, yeah, but, you know what,

this whole thing's
not going to work,

but thank you.

Get back here!

Dance with the devil!

Leave me alone!

You got the cizash,
we got the family.

Sad Eye Sadie...

...Mad Dog, is it, Giant?

Uh, I'm going to think about it.

Great.

Hey, yo, Dickie.

You nucking futs? Yo.

Call a bitch.

I don't actually have
a family, per se.

Is it hot in here?

I'm just going
to take off my robe.

Oh!

Oh, God.

This one's been teasing me.

Come on, Popeye.

Hello.

Hi.

Uh, may I help you?
Yeah. I got a message

that you had a family

that was willing to put me up
for a month?

Uh, sorry,
there must be some mistake.

No, uh, 741 Mockingbird.

Is this the Finney residence?

But I don't know
what you're talking about.

[HORN HONKING]

Hey, George.
Hey, Andy.

Dickie Roberts.

"This is nucking futs!"

It is.

George Finney... big fan.

I just loved your show.

Oh, my goodness.

I thought you looked familiar.

But, George, did you...?

Oh, Grace, I should explain.

Dickie and I talked on the phone

about a mutually advantageous

business venture.
Why don't we, uh,

go inside;
I'll explain everything.

All right, that sounds great.

Hey.
This is the casa.

Whoo!
Kids?

Kids?

Hey, kids, come here
for a second.

I want you to meet somebody.

George, can I talk to you
for a minute?

Just a second, Grace.

Dickie, this is

Sam and Sally.

Sam's the boy,

so, that must make her Sally.

[CHUCKLING]

Okay, why don't you guys
make small talk,

and Grace and I
will pop into the other room

and hammer out some details.

[EXAGGERATEDLY FRIENDLY]:
Hi.

How are you?

We're fine.

How are you?

You don't think you should have

run all this by me first?!

George, you invited a stranger

to live in our home.

It's only for a month or so.

Well... Look,

you just finished
night school, right?

Started your
interior design thing.

That costs money.

Money we don't have.

That is one of the reasons
I took those classes...

so I can contribute an income.

When?

George...

All I'm saying
is we could really use

this extra money right now.

Pay for some TV ads
down at the car lot.

Take some of the pressure
off of me.

I'm asking you this as a favor.

Help me out with this.

I think it'll be a good thing.

I'm going to need a bed.

Should it be a crib?

[FALSE CHUCKLE]

Here's a $20.

I like the idea.

Let's just bring it back
a touch, okay?

Seriously,
how about a water bed?

A water bed?

Yeah, I got
a little lower back noise.

My neck's crunching up.

I think I'll move in tomorrow,
bright and early.

Sounds great, huh?

Operation Re-do Childhood
is about to begin.

I don't want him in our room.

Kids, we really want this thing

with Mr. Roberts
to work out,

so, let's try and be
as accommodating as possible.

Okay?

[SIGHING ALL AROUND]

I like that;
I like where you're headed.

That's the right attitude.

Dickie, I'm telling you,
I've called Reiner's office

over and over.

They won't put me through.

I must have left five to six

to seven or eight messages.

Well, then, leave
nine, ten or eleven.

Come on, by the end
of all this, Sidney,

you've got to get
me that audition.

Dickie, I bet you wish
you had a better agent.

No, you're my agent, man.

Come on, we're a team.

Hey, by the way,
I read that script,

Mr. Blake's Backyard
last night.

I couldn't make heads
or tails of it.

It's got so much adult stuff,
blah, blah, blah...

I didn't know what was going on.

Maybe I do need
to learn something.

Well, Hutch is your dad.

You've got more talent
in your veins

than half the actors
in this town.

You'll be great.

Sidney, David Soul
is not my father.

Oh, kid, I'm sorry.

Is it Starsky?

No. It's neither.

I don't really remember
my real dad.

The only memory I have

is playing
that board game Candyland.

I was about five or six.

We were laughing.

I was really happy.

But then he left,

and it was just me and my mom
for a while,

and then she left, so...

I'm sorry, kid.

Sidney, the point is,
you've always been there for me.

You've been a good guy.

You're a good agent;
I appreciate it.

All right, listen,
you go do your project,

and I promise you,
I'll do whatever it takes

to get you that audition

with Rob Reiner, okay?

I never doubted you
for a second.

We're a team.

We're going to get this.

Go get 'em!

[CLEARING THROAT]

And another thing,
Stranger Danger,

all these video games...
they're mine.

And, uh, Sally's stuff...
that's hers.

So, no touchy.

Hey, can you knock it off

with the Stranger Danger
moniker?

I'm not nuts about it.

Well, I think this
water bed thing

is a little silly.

Are you, like,
cuckoo in the head?

Yeah, and I don't think
you should turn on that hose.

You'll get
a Water Wiggle action going.

Ooh, Water Wiggle... what's that?

The toy...
Water Wiggle?

You don't know what toy that is?

Uh-uh.

Oh, man, this is sad.

You really did miss out,
didn't you, Stranger Danger?

Well, I can teach you

how to put Preparation H
on your eyes

to get rid of bags, huh?

I'll help you, you help me.

I'm just saying

a Water Wiggle
will beat the crap out of you.

Yeah, it's less of a toy
and more of a bruise machine.

I like that, that's interesting,
tell me more.

What other toys should I know?

Uh, Gobots, Hot Wheels, Robodon.

SALLY:
Transformers.

SAM:
Slip and Slide.

SALLY:
Stratego.

SAM:
Mousetrap.

SALLY:
Trolls.

SAM:
Hurry Up.

SALLY:
He-man.

SAM:
Slinky.

SALLY:
Pac-man.

SAM:
Clue.

SALLY:
Wheel-o.

SAM:
Donkey Kong.

SALLY:
Caterpillar.

SAM:
Duncan Yo-Yo.

SALLY:
Razor Scooters.

SAM: Return to
Wolfenstein.

Uh-uh-uh. Okay, that's enough.

Don't make me call
the Guinness Book.

But what about
the best game of all?

Come on, guys.

Candyland?

No.
Don't know it.

[LAUGHING]:
No? I got you.

Whoo! In your face. Candyland.

That was the most fun
I had as a kid.

I remember I picked the card
with the ice-cream bar on it.

I was like...
[SINGING GOOFY FANFARE]

We have a winner! Whoo!

Yeah, whatever.

But still, it's Water Wiggle

that you should
be thinking about.

Steady, Chicken Little.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

What's up? You like that?!

Yeah! What happened, bitch? Huh?

Damn, that Water Wiggle thing

is like a Stephen King movie.

It's supposed to be a toy?

Anyway, okay, so, this

is a Water Wiggle.

Any other toys
you want to show me?

Oh, my gosh.

Look at all this shizzit.

What's shizzit?

It's a secret way to swear.

Again, learn from me,
I'll learn from you.

SAM:
These were all our toys from
when we were kids.

Yeah.

Seems like

only yesterday.

Wow, we sure did have
a lot of shizzit.

Farm-a-long.

MACHINE VOICE:
The rooster crows

[CROWING]
his morning crow.

And the horse whinnies

for its rider.
Boring.

Let me guess...
the cow says "moo"

and the duck
says "quack."

You need to update this thing.

How about
"The sprinkler says..."

[PERCUSSIVE HISSING NOISE]

Yeah. And a motorcycle
goes...

[GOOFY REVVING NOISES]

And the jet ski... similar
to the motorcycle, not the same.

[MORE GOOFY REVVING]

See, it bogs out a little bit

'cause you have water
in the carb. Hmm?

Sally's looking at me like,
"You're an idiot."

Well, get in line, sister,
because my ex-girlfriend says,

"You're a loser,"

and the casting director says,
"You're washed up,"

and my mom says,
"You're an embarrassment,"

and the guy in the street says,
"You suck,"

and I said, "No, you suck,"
and he said,"You suck, dude,"

and I go, "No, you suck,"

and he goes,
"You know you suck," and I go...

[INCOHERENT RANTING,
CROWING, WHINNYING]

The rooster crows.
[MOOING]

The rooster crows.
[MOOING]

[SIGHING]:
What else you got?

SAM: Could you pass
the potatoes, please?

Popeye, no.

Go.

Oh, hey, Mom, where's
my field hockey jersey?

Hmm. I washed it and folded it
and put it in your drawer.

No wonder you couldn't find it.

Hey, Stranger Danger,
I got to ask,

what's with the gloves?

It's kind of freaking me out.

Uh, sanitary reasons. Shh.

Anyway, you guys,
I don't want to stop you.

Keep going.

Talk, talk, talk.

I love all this normal crap.

"Crap?"

Stuff. Normal stuff.

Hey, where's George?

[CHUCKLING]:
I want a little Dad action.

He's hardly ever at dinner.

Sally,

Jane called.

She wants you to call her back.

Who's this Jason boy
she's got a crush on?

Oh, just some boy,
but Heather Bolin

is totally stealing him
away from her.

Why?

She's the most beautiful girl
in the school,

and whatever she wants,
she gets.

SAM: Heather Bolin
has an older brother.

He's a real jerk.

He totally picks on Sam.

It seems like everybody
at school does.

[PHONE RINGING]:
There's my phone.

Shh. Two seconds.

Go for Dickie.

SIDNEY: Hey, Dickie.

I just got back
from Rob Reiner's office.

Guess who was there?

Sean Penn.

No, not Sean Penn!

Not Sean Penn! Damn!

Oh, Dickie,
don't worry about it.

I struck up a friendship
with Rob's security people.

I really feel
we're moving forward.

Yes! And this studying-up-
on-being-a-kid thing

is going great.

Get me in there,

I'll nail that part
like Jesus the Carpenter.

[CHORTLING]:
All right,

I'll see you later, buddy.

Heh-heh! Whoo!

Oh, sorry.

I got a little excited.

Let me go drain the main vein,
how about that?

I mean, I go pee pee now.

It's so crazy.

The Water Wiggle thing
was a joke.

He destroyed this toy
that pissed him off.

It's like he was
totally out of control.

Mom, you've got to listen to me.

We don't want him
around anymore.

Can't you make him go away?

GRACE:
I'd like to,

but your father made
this deal with him.

Let's pretend that staying
in our tree house out back

is good for his project.

Yeah. But, Sam, the tree house
is pretty old and crappy.

We want him out of our house,
don't we?

Don't we?

Hey.

You know what, Dickie?

We came up with a great idea.

Maybe you should stay
out back in the tree house.

Sam, that's a great idea.

A real kid would do that,
wouldn't he?

Yeah. Yeah, that might be fun.

All right.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[DISTANT DOG BARKING]

[GROANS]

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]

I wonder what
he's doing up there.

Who cares? Just so Stranger
Danger's out of our house.

But still.

Yeah.

It actually looks pretty cool.

Is that a disco ball?

See, maybe we should

peek our heads in.

Aw, freak out!
[BELL RINGS]

Okay, let me do the talking.

Freak out!

Aw, freak out!

Uh, may I help you?

Was I being too loud
in my tree house?

Um...

Well, we just wanted to know

if we could come up.

"Can we
come up?"

All right, you can come up

for a little bit,
see what you're missing.

And have a real good time

Burn, baby, burn,
disco inferno...

Well, you really fixed
this place up, didn't you?

Oh, yeah, I did.

Put a little lipstick
on this pig.

But I'm confused,
'cause you like it now,

and I thought the tree
house was a drag.

If I took a poll,
people would say it sucked.

But maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe I'm stupid,
maybe I'm a dumb-dumb.

It is kind of cool now.

Oh, it's cool now.

You hear that?

It's kind of cool now.

Let's go.

Wait.

Don't leave.
You guys can stay.

What do you want to do?

[THUNDER CRASHING]

And so the hook hand

was hanging there
on the car door.

[THUNDER CRACKS]

Ooh, that was intense.

Okay, now it's my turn.

All right.

[MAKING SPOOKY NOISE]

This is the story of the witch

of Cloverfield Central School.

[THUNDER CRACKS]

Once upon a time,

there was this witch in school.

She was a very,

very bad witch.

Ha, ha.

All the boys liked her,

because they didn't know
what a bad witch she was.

Sally,

does this witch have a name?

Mm...
No, not really.

Just a witch.

Right, and Sally,

what does this witch look like?

Okay, she dresses very nice,

'cause her dad
has a lot of money.

Really hot capris,

super tight Zootopia tops.

I don't think this is a witch.

I think it's Heather Bolin.

What? That's crazy.

Okay, it's Heather Bolin.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, you know what, Sally?

I don't like her
and I've never even met her.

Anyone who bugs you
can't be good.

Now it's my turn.

My story is called "The Day
the Sitcom Got Canceled."

[THUNDER BOOMS]

The sky, she was stormy
that night.

Suddenly, the phone rang.

[MAKES RINGING NOISE]

[MAKES RINGING NOISE]

The little boy's mother
picks up.

"Hello?"

The evil producer on
the other end said,

"The ratings have hit
a six-year low."

[GASPING]

It gets scarier.

"The network is in a panic."

[SCREAMING]

Yeah.
Here's where it heats up.

They didn't
have a replacement show.

No, no!

Dickie! [SCREAMS]

I know,
what are they going to do?

[SHOUTING]

What? What's wrong?

There's something...

Okay, I'll stop. What?

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING AND SHOUTING]

[ITEMS CRASHING AND BREAKING]

[MUTTERING SOFTLY]

No.

DICKIE:
Don't, don't.

Get away.

No, get off.

[MUTTERING]

He's been talking in his sleep
like that for the last hour.

[DICKIE MOANS]

Dickie?

He's getting... Get off.

Don't leave me.
Dickie, wake up.

No. It's on me.

I can't...

Mom?
[DICKIE MUTTERS]

What?

Do something.

DICKIE:
No, not again.

[SIGHS]

[MUTTERS]

Dickie, wake up.

Dickie, wake up.

[GASPING]
Wake up.

You were having a bad dream.

Oh, there were these big spiders

and they...
they were trying to eat me

and they jammed their legs
down my ear

and in my brain,
and they were...

Mom.

...guts of my head and...

Come on, Mom, sing it.

And there was so many...

Okay. Dickie,

this is what I do for my kids

when they're having a nightmare.

Hush little baby,
don't say a word

Mama's gonna buy you
a mockingbird

And if that mockingbird
don't sing

Mama's going to buy you
a diamond ring

[QUIETLY]:
If that diamond ring
turns brass...

Okay.

[KISSES]

Let's go to bed.
It's okay.

Now, that was probably
the nicest thing

anyone's ever done for me.

You feel bad, and your mom

actually tries
to make you feel not bad.

Wow.

By the way,
your mom's really hot.

What?
Eww!

What, am I wrong?

And what's the backyard like?

Has she got the G-string going

or them big ol' grannies
with the louvers?

I'm betting sweet thong.

Ugh!
Gross!

Come on, Sam,
pretend she's not your mom.

Are they real?

I think they're real.

I bumped into them the other day

and it was like "boing,"
and I was like "boing."

Dickie, she's our mom.

She's my mom, too,
and I'm dealing with it somehow.

Anyway.

Good night, prude people.

Dream the dream of prudes.

Prude it up.

Have a nice G-rated dream
full of prudiness.

Go to sleep, Dickie.

Okay, Stranger Danger,
this is a Slip 'N Slide.

If you master this,

it's the first step
to being a real kid.

Great.
Dickie,

there has to be water on it.

[SCREECHING]
[GROANS]

Oh, that's...

that's going to leave a mark.

[PANTS, COUGHS]

That... stings.

Good to go.

[PUFFING]

[WHOOPS]

Yeah, all right.
He did it.

That was great.

I got something better.

Just water is lame.

This thing needs
a little Wesson-ality.

Dickie, are you sure about this?

Steady.

[LAUGHS, WHOOPS]

Here we go.

[PUFFING]

[YELLS]

[CHEERS]

[GROANS]

Oh, shizzit!

[GROANS]

Ow...!

[GRUNTS]

[SIGHS]:
Splinter.

That toy is
Insane in the membrane

Insane, got no brain.

[SPITS]

I got pretty banged up out
there, but I learned some stuff.

Let's keep it mellow
in the future.

So, what do you drink,
being a kid?

Uh, soda, like-like root beer.

Well, not a wussy kid.

A real kid, all right?

You had me at the beer part,
but you lost me at root.

Now, let's not jump
to malt liquor,

but something in the middle.

How about real beer?

Whoa, lady. Easy.

Whoa.

Okay, real beer. How many?

Six-pack?

So, you're crazy?

A six-pack?

Are you a total alkie?

Oh, my gosh.

How about four?

One for you, one for you,

and two for me
'cause I'm kind of a husky kid.

Okay, so a six-pack.

You just said four.

Oh, the wussy's taking
the minutes of the meeting.

Okay, four it is.

I'll buy. I'll fly.

We have beer.

We're not supposed
to drink that.

We're supposed to think
about drinking beer

one day, in the future.

It's like, uh, you know,
"When I get older,

I'm going to be allowed
to drink beer."

It's going too fast.

I knew kids
that were on TV shows

getting whiffed up
when they're 16.

"Whiffed up"?

Whiff, coke, toot,
lines, blast, rails,

nose candy, devil's dandruff,

power flower, sniffy jiffy,

Come on, Sam, the rest
of the class is on page 52.

Dickie, when you're talking
to me, all I'm thinking is

Brick wall, waterfall

Dickie thinks he got it all,
but he don't

And I do, so boom
with that attitude

Peace, punch, Cap'n Crunch

I got something you can't touch

Bang, bang, choo-choo train

Wind me up, I do my thing

No Reese's Pieces, 7 UP

Mess with me, I'll mess you up.

Interesting.

Whatever.

Anyway.

By the way, sniffy jiffy,
it's no good.

Don't do it.

Let me tell you something.

About this putting stuff off?

When I was your age,
I did whatever I wanted,

whenever I wanted.

Okay, see, that might be
why you're such a mess now.

Oh! How dare you.

Anyway, check this out.

Look, I went ahead

and got you your
precious root beer.

[FALSETTO]:
Ooh, I love it.

[BELCHES]

[BELCHES]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[BELCHING]:
A, B, C, D, E, F, G.

[COUGHS]

[SALLY LAUGHING]

[BELCHING]:
"I am Iron Man."

[LAUGHING]

[BELCHING]:
I want to bang your mother.

[DICKIE LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS]:
I said I want...

Oh...

DICKIE:
By the way, thanks, you guys.

For what?

Being nice to me.

Knocking off
the Stranger Danger thing.

SALLY:
Well, Dickie,

you're actually
a pretty cool guy.

I mean,
very deep down inside you.

I mean, really deep.

So deep that some people
stop looking.

Deeper than a well.

Deeper than the ocean.

Deeper than the Marianas Trench.

Deeper than a volcano.

Deeper than a...

All right, I got it...
it's deep.

Now, shh.

Sleepy time.

Little prude sleep.

Insane in the membrane

Insane, got no brain.
[MOUTHING WORDS]

What time did you get in
last night?

Would you get off my back?

I was out with a
salesman all night.

They like to drink.

[LAUGHS]

[SINGSONGY]:
Morning.

Mommy, Daddy, bro, sis.

GRACE:
Good morning.

GEORGE:
Morning, Dickie.

Hey, Pebbles, where's Bamm Bamm?

Oh! Interesting.

Got a little champagne
brunch for my new family.

How about that?
Mimosa for me posse?

Champagne for my real friends,

and I'm a real pain
to my sham friends.

GEORGE:
Dickie, I'd like you
to stop by

the dealership today.

Oh, a little father-son thing?

What do I say to that, Sam?

Give it a yea?

I wouldn't know.

He never asked me
to go to work with him.

All right, mark you
down as no help.

Sally, over to you? Yay?

Yeah, a "yay" will cover it.

So we'll head
up there around,
what, 12:00-ish?

All right. Heh-heh.

Hey, and you... push
me in the stroller.

I want to get a feel
for that thing.

What?

Ah-dah-dah.

Daddy!

Mommy's balking.

She doesn't understand...

I'm up against the likes
of Mr. Sean Penn here.

Grace, let's try
and make this work.

Yes, let's try to make it work.

Thanks, Daddy.
Whoo!

[POPS]
Whoo, whoopie!

This feels a little odd.

Dude, I'm the one
in the stroller.

Did you just call me "dude"?

I mean,

It's hard to get my head
around that word.

You know, my actual mother

wanted me to call her
by her first name.

And you're, like,
way too beautiful

to be a mom.

I mean, you obviously are
a mother, so...

I'm wrong, but maybe you're not
as beautiful as I think you are.

Wow, let me sift

through that to find
a nugget of compliment.

Sift away, sifty.

You realize, don't you,
that this whole idea

is without a doubt

the most ridiculous endeavor
ever attempted.

Oh, Grace?

Hi-hi, Mrs. Gertrude.

You know, your tree
is dropping leaves

on our property again.

Oh, I'm really sorry.

It's just that I...

It's getting to be a nuisance,

and we're trying
to be good neighbors,

but you're really
making it hard.

[MOANS]

Oh, who do we have here?

Aren't you a little
big for a stroller?

[CHUCKLES]

Aren't you a little big
for a sidewalk?

[HORN HONKS]
I mean,

good God,
hide the wicker furniture.

Whoo! This ass means business.

Folks, this is not a drill.

China, I'm sorry
about the tremors,

but this lady needs her mail.

What, cat got your tongue,

or do you eat that
for breakfast, too?

[SNORTING GULPS]

And you keep your filthy dog
Popeye out of our yard, too,

you horrid neighbor!

Ca-coon, ca-coon, ca-coon.

[IMITATES EXPLOSION]

Dickie, you were
very rude to her.

Well, and she was
straight-up with you?

Come on, Grace,

you got to learn to
stand up for yourself.

But to be honest,

I kind of liked standing
up for you just then.

Well, it...

I will say,
in a way it was nice.

I'm not used to it.

Hey! You're that guy
from the TV show.

The washed-up actor freak.

Can I get a picture?

You know what?

You put it that way,
you sure can.

Look at this.

Smile.

[GASPS]

Zoom. Nice.

Ah. There you go, Cap'n.

Memories are forever.

Hey, make doubles.

No, look, I'm sorry, all right?

Look, I'm new at this, too.

I need your help.

Well, I'll tell you this much...

you're going to have
to disguise yourself somehow.

Wait, wait, wait,
what do you mean?

Like, dye your hair.

Anything, so people
don't recognize you

and make you forget
you're trying to be a kid.

That's a great idea.

Oh, not only is she sexy,
she's a smart mommy!

Why did that compliment
almost make me puke?

What'd I say?

I was nice.

GEORGE: So, this Indian's sitting
by the side of the road.

He's selling clay pots.

Now a tourist is
looking him over.

He says, "Hey,

"you're selling this pot
for five dollars.

You get the same exact pot
over there for ten dollars."

And the Indian says,

"Some people like to spend
five dollars;

other people like to spend
ten dollars."

[LAUGHS]

Ah, I got a better joke.

Two gay monkeys
go to Istanbul...

Dickie, it's not a joke,

it's a philosophy of life:
money.

Oh...

Making money...
isn't money

what your little comeback thing
is all about?

Actually, no, it's...

I'll be honest with you, Dickie.

I've been married for 14 years
to the same woman,

and we got a couple of kids.

They seem like nice kids.

I don't know, I don't spend
a lot of time with them.

I'm not really much
of a kid person.

Man, I'm on a treadmill, Dickie.

I see everybody else
is having all the fun.

Just when I think
I can't take it anymore,

you fall into my lap.

You're my answer, Dickie.

You're the thing
that's gonna make me happy.

I'm not into dudes, if that's
what you're ramping up to.

Like, I don't.
I did. I don't anymore.

You get what you want
out of my family...

I get something out of you.

MAN:
Star maps here.

Maps to the stars' homes.

God bless you, sir.

Thanks.

Hey, Rob Reiner's
not on this map.

God bless you, sir.

Ah...

[SIGHS]

[BARKS]

Mm, hey.

[WHINING]

Oh, what time is it?

3:20. Oh, I gotta go
meet the kids.

Look at little Sammy, the sissy.

Come on, you guys,

just leave him alone.

His little sister
has to stand up for him.

What a little wussy Sam is.

SAM: Why can't you
just leave me alone?

What'd I ever do to you?

[TAUNTING LAUGHTER]

BOY [SINGSONGY]:
Sammy, the sissy,
acting all prissy.

BOYS:
Sammy the sissy, acting

all prissy.

Sammy the sissy,
acting all prissy.

Guys, he's minding
his own business.
Sammy, the...

Why don't you?
Sam, Sally,

what's up?

Dickie, is that you?

BOY [LAUGHING]:
Holy crap on toast!

Look at this freak!

With Sam Finney, huh, Sammy?
[LAUGHING]

Let's get out of here.

Leave him alone, you creeps!

What did you call us,
you little bitch?

DICKIE:
Whoa, whoa,

whoa, you just said
the wrong thing

to the wrong little girl, Cap'n.

What does she weigh, 20?

What do you weigh, 2,000?

You want to pick on her?
Why not pick on me?

You bastards want to go
toe-to-toe with me?

I'll go Water Wiggle
on your ass.

[FALSETTO]:
"Huh? Wha?

I don't understand words.
I'm a dim-dim."

[NORMAL VOICE]:
Is that red hair,
or did someone

light a fart off your mouth?

[LAUGHTER]
Hey!
DICKIE:
Hey?

Don't you mean oink?

Little Piggy, shouldn't you

run off to the market?

[ALL LAUGHING]

BOY:
Oink, oink.

That was crazy.

Now the crowd's

turning on you, and that sucks.

Tell you what.
Listen.

Red, tube of goo,
freak of nature,

why don't you guys run home,

pee your pants,

cry your eyes out,

spank each other's
chubby, little butts,

get up, have an Eggo,

run back here, and
we'll do it all again?

'Cause I like working out

you puke-stain,
little punching bags.

A-choo!

Now beat it.

Yeah!
Yeah!

Get out of my way!
Sam Finney's

way cooler than any of you
will ever be.

What a joke.

Oh, yeah!

Mom, you should have seen
Dickie back there.

It was awesome!

He totally nailed these kids.

It was a verbal beating,
a carpet bombing.

Actually, Dickie,

I can't believe what
you did to your hair.

What? Oh...

[LAUGHS]

No wonder
everyone was staring at me.

Dickie, it was great
how you tore into those guys.

I'm not impressed
that Dickie insulted

a bunch of your friends.

Well, they're
not really friends.

Yeah, you should have seen
these guys.

I mean, I hope
they never come back.

They're losers.

Just-just, Mom, relax.

[SELF-SATISFIED
CHUCKLING]

Relax?

Wrong attitude with a mom.

You got to keep it light,

and, you know, deferential.
Oh!

Look, you guys, before pizza,

I've got to swing by
this interview.

It'll just take a few minutes.

They just want to meet
the voice from the phone.

DICKIE: You got an interview?
For what?

An interior design job.

They looked at my drawings,

and they liked them.

KIDS:
Mom, that's great!

Wow.
Mm-hmm.

That is some cool shizzit.

What did you just say?

Shizzit.

It's a Dickie word.

Dickie, after my interview,

you and I are going to have
a serious talk.

Mom, I...
Dickie will be fine.

Yeah, he may have
a few rough edges,

but we'll file 'em down for him.

Ah, see, Mommy?
It's all gonna work out.

I don't know this
part of town at all.

My first interview,
and I'm going to blow it

because I can't find the house.

MAN: Turn it, turn it!
[FIRE TRUCK BEEPING]

GRACE:
Oh, no, do you believe this?

God, I'm really
going to be late.

You know what?
Dickie to the rescue.

I've got an idea.

Let me see that address.

WOMAN:
9-1-1, what's your emergency?

Oh, my God, there's a fire

at the McHenry house,
368 North Elmo Street!

[FALSETTO]:
Hurry!

[FIRE TRUCK HONKS]

[SIREN WAILING]

Follow those fire trucks.

Come on, Mommy.

Unbelievable.

You think a false alarm
is funny?

You think it's okay
to phone in a fire?!

Well, it's called

being aggressive towards
your career, you know?

You want something,
you gotta work at it.

That's day-one stuff.

You know what, no matter
how much you want something,

you don't trample others
to get it,

and you certainly
don't break the law.

You've been nothing
but a disruptive influence,

ever since you got here.

Well, I'm learning,
and that's the point,

[SOBBING]:
I got nowhere else to go.

I got nowhere else to go!

Why does that sound familiar?

It's from An Officer
and a Gentleman.

That's what Richard Gere said.

See? I'm a good actor.

That's it! Out!

I don't care what arrangement
you have with my husband.

I won't tolerate this anymore!

No, come on.

Dickie, no...!
Please!

No! Oh!
Listen..

[LIQUID DRIPPING RAPIDLY]

[GASPS]

Oh, no!

Dickie! [GROANS]

[LOUD CLANG]

Go! Go! Go, now! I mean it!
DICKIE: Hey, ow!

You don't understand,
I know I'm screwed up.

I have no center.

I'm completely lost.

Look at me, I'm a massive
failure as a human being.

I wear gloves 24 hours a day.

Why? Because I'm afraid
to physically touch anything

or anyone.

I don't want people
to look in my eyes

'cause they'll realize
there's nothing there.

I'm a complete and total mess.

Grace, do you think
you could take

your little dysfunctional
family fight inside?

We don't need to see
your dirty laundry.

Mrs. Gertrude, please, okay?

Just blow it out your ass!

[GASPS]
This is between me

and my family.

Mom, that was awesome!
Mom, that was awesome!

DICKIE:
Wait a second.

Why did you say that?

Is that because I told you
to stand up for yourself?

It is.
See, Grace?

I-I'm not totally useless.

Dickie, this whole thing
is just crazy.

I mean, you can't just
observe a family

and learn how to be.

You know, it's not like
monkey-see, monkey-do.

It's more than that.

You don't understand.
I'm desperate.

If I become a star again,
everyone will come back.

My mom will come home,
just like before.

Dickie, it's not supposed
to work that way.

I know, but can't I hope
for anything different?

Grace, please.

I need this part.

I need it so bad,

that I don't know
if I can go on without it.

SALLY:
Hey, Mom?

Maybe we could give Dickie

just one last chance?

SAM:
Yeah, Mom.

He could do better.

I mean, if we help.

[LOW WHINING]

SAM: What's Popeye
got in his mouth?

My gosh, it's a dead rabbit.

Oh, my God.

It's the Gertrudes' pet rabbit.

Popeye killed their pet rabbit.

Popeye bad dog!

SALLY:
What are we going to do?

GRACE:
Oh, God. Oh, God.

Popeye must have gotten

into the backyard cage
and killed him.

God, they're already mad at us.

Now we're in all kinds
of trouble.

[WHINES]
DICKIE: Wait a second.

We can fix this.

Rub-a-dub-dub, bunny in the tub.

Do you think
we should shampoo it?

Do you have any "Gee, Your Dead
Rabbit Smells Terrific"?

Oh.

No, but I have V05.

We'll put in
some leave-in conditioner

and a protein pack.

This thing will look good as new

[WHISPERING]:
except for the being dead part.

I think we better start
to blow-dry it soon.

Then I'm going
to go get a brush.

Hurry.

Okay, tell you what.

I'll put it back in the cage

all clean and when
the Gertrudes come home,

they open the cage

and they think it dies
of natural causes.

It's the perfect plan.

You guys, the Gertrudes...
I think they're coming home.

All right, let's go.
Okay, okay, dry it.

Here, here.

Here we go.

Dry it, dry it, dry it.

Okay, it's back in the cage.

We're totally off the hook.

Hey, what's in the cage?

It's Peter! Oh, no!

Devil rabbit.

Devil rabbit, devil rabbit!

Mr. and Mrs. Gertrude,
what's wrong?

Our pet bunny died two days ago.

We buried it over there.

And now he's back in the cage!

Oh, Satan taunts us!

Oh, devil rabbit!

DICKIE:
That is a sign from hell!

It means move out of that house.

Move!

Spirits of rabbits.

Devil rabbit!
Devil rabbit!

Woo! Get out!

[ENGINE STARTS]

DICKIE: There they go.
They're moving out.

Devil rabbits!

Devil rabbits.

[CHEERING]

[DOG BARKS]

That was fun.

So, can I stay?

DICKIE:
So those three bullies
don't bug you anymore?

I knew it, they're morons.

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, what do you call
this hairstyle again?

The Tiger-Do.

Looks cool, right, Sam?

Yeah, man.

Bitchin' cool style, man.

What's this one,
the porcupine? Oh, oh.

[LAUGHTER]

So, what do you want
to do today, Dickie?

First up, teach me
how to ride a bike.

ALL:
Yeah!

I'm pedaling.
I think I got it.

Let him go.

Go. Go. Go. Go.

Go for it!

I'm doing it.

[BOYS GROAN]

Dickie, are you okay?

DICKIE:
Ow!

Who put that truck there?

Are you all right?

Oh. I'm seeing birds and bells
and beautiful girls.

Sam, front and center
on the double.

GIRL: We're just moving in
to this house.

Oh, well, we got a new neighbor.

What do you think of that, Sam?

[CHUCKLES]

Sam, you want to say hello
to the new neighbor?

Hello.

Hi.

He had you at hello, didn't he?

Listen, these guys
are teaching me

how to ride a bike...
You want to come with?

Sure.
All right, let's go.

BOYS:
Yeah!

Whoa!

Ow.

This is gonna be

My greatest day

My greatest day...

[ALL GROANING]

My greatest day...

[YELLS]

This is gonna be
my greatest day...

Oh-oh.

Did you ever have such a bad
wipe-out you don't even feel it?

That wasn't one of them.

My greatest day!

[BARKING]

Here you go, guys.

Thanks, Mrs. Finney.

Thanks a lot.

You okay?

I munched it out there.

You're all right.

So you're really
going to help me?

Yes, of course
I'm going to help you.

If someone doesn't step in soon,
you might kill yourself.

Look, Dickie, you've

been going about
this thing all wrong.

You know, there's no rhyme
or reason to your plan.

You're like a chicken running
around with its head cut off.

A chicken with his head chopped
off, that's a good analogy.

Stop it.

Okay,

but if you want my help,

you play by my rules
and my rules only.

Okay?
So first, the gloves.

Off they go.

Wait a minute.

Dickie, for this to work,

we've got to almost reboot you,
like a human computer.

Not the gloves,
anything but the gloves.

Okay, well.

Okay, okay.

[SIGHS]

But I just want you to know

that this is like me asking you
to take your top off.

Which is crazy, right?

Dickie.

Right.

[HUMMING]

[YELLING]:
Oh, air... Ow.

I don't like it.

Happy?

Yes. See?

There are men in stilts
plastering in there.

Is this part
of your interior design thing?

No, George, it was damaged
from the water bed accident.

Dickie what the hell
did you do to your hair?

Oh. I dyed it.

It no come out so good.

Look, it was my idea, okay?

People were recognizing him

and he was being distracted
from his project.

He was going to do a commercial
for me, Grace.

George, he's already paying you
a lot of money

to be here, isn't that enough?

I had a lot of plans for him.

He's a human being, okay?

He's not just some product
for you to use.

GEORGE:
All right.

Wow, I feel like you have
completely undermined me here.

I'm going out.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oh, boy.

That was, like, the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

What is?

That I'm not some product.

Wow.

Then, as Hallmark cards go,
you'd be easy to please.

Listen I, I'm sorry George
is mad at you.

Is that because of me?

No, but that's good.

You're starting to think
like a real kid.

Kids always think it's their
fault when parents split up.

Is that what's going to
happen to you and George?

I don't know.

You know, I do
everything I can think of

to keep it together
for the kids.

I'm a mom first, but...

George makes me feel so guilty
for even wanting a career,

you know, like it makes me
less of a mom.

Well,

I got news for you.

They don't even write TV
moms as good as you are.

Well now, we're even.

Because that's the nicest
compliment I've ever heard.

You know,

we probably should
dye your hair back.

Yeah.

Well, since you're going
to be here a while,

I think I should read
this script.

See what it is
you want so badly.

Please do.

Maybe you can make
some sense of it.

No, no, no, no, no.

I don't know what to do.

No gloves.

Don't need 'em.

Dickie, you promised to help me

with my pep squad tryouts.

That pep squad spot's
got your name all over it.

Did I ever tell you I was a
backup dancer for Vanilla Ice?

[CHUCKLES]:
No way.

Oh, yeah, I owe him a call.

[WHINES]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Boom.

We're right on time.

Are you sure?
Yep, yep.

All right.
Here we go.

You got the words down?

I think so, yeah.

I think you do, too.

I drew this up last night.

These are your dance steps.

WOMAN:
Okay, girls, come on, let's go.

It's time to start.

Our first contestant
is Heather Bolin.

Hey, Stallions,
I got a message for you.

And it goes like this.

[DANCE MUSIC STARTS]

Oh

I, I

I

I wanna be bad with you, baby

I, I...

I, I

I wanna be bad with you, baby

Do you

Understand what I need from you?

Just let me be the girl
to show you, you

Everything that she can be
is everything that I can be

I wanna be

My turn

Let me let you know that I can

Promise that I won't do that

So, boy, I-I wanna be bad

You make bad feel so good

I'm losing all my cool

I'm about to break a rule

I, I wanna be bad.

[MUSIC ENDS]

Thank you.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

[COUGHS]:
Slut.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Our next contestant,
Sally Finney.

Have fun.
Just have fun, okay?

You're good.
You know it.

[MUSIC BEGINS]

It is the night

My body's weak

I'm on the run

No time to sleep

I've got to ride

Ride like the wind

To be free again

And I've got
such a long way to go

Such a long way to go

To make it to the border
of Mexico

So I'll ride

Like the wind

Ride like the wind

Gonna ride like the wind

[MUSIC ENDS]

Oh, that was great!

Yeah!

That was perfect.

Sally, I'm so proud of you.

Yippee!

Oh, good morning, everybody.

Ooh, I had a rough night.

First time I tried

sleeping without my
gloves on in ten years.

Insane in the membrane.

Hey, Dickie, okay.

I saw Barbie outside and
I started talking to her,

but I got all tongue-tied
and I wasn't making sense.

It sounded like you said,
"I love meat loaf."

Oh, so you could understand
that part.

All right, I think that's going
to need a little work, buddy.

Nothing against
meat loaf though.

All right, why don't you
tots run off to school?

I'm going to grab a cup of java.

Bye, Dickie.

Bye, Dickie.

Bye.

Ooh, morning.

Morning.

Never needed this stuff more.

No. No coffee.

Kids don't drink coffee.

What? That's crazy.

Juice.

No, coffee in the morning.

Shh. Dickie, I got to talk
to you about this script.

I know why you want to do this
movie so much.

I read it last night.
It's wonderful.

Really?

Please, can you
explain it to me?

Okay, Mr. Blake

discovers that heaven
is in his own backyard.

Oh, wait.

That's... I didn't
get that part.

Like heaven, like real heaven?

Yes, he's this billionaire,

and he buys
this mysterious plot of land

and he wants to build
the biggest house

of all time on it.

To be admired
by the whole world.

Right on.
Well, that sounds like me.

They should just
give me that part.

Here's the problem.

The bigger he builds
this giant house,

the smaller heaven becomes
in his backyard.

But he still has
a big house, right?

Have you ever seen MTV Cribs?

Tommy Lee has a sex room.

And how come all the
rappers have a video

of Scarfacegoing all the time?

Yeah, okay, meanwhile,

there's this woman, Esmerelda,
she's Mr. Blake's housekeeper,

and he falls madly
in love with her, right?

And then she dies.

It is.

Esmerelda goes to heaven...
you see,

so by discovering true love,

Mr. Blake's able to see
the heaven in his own backyard...

the heaven that was
always there,

only he couldn't see it...

so he tears down
this enormous house,

and he lives in his own backyard
in a little shack...

and it's all
to be near Esmerelda.

Do you see, Dickie?

Do you see
what that story means?

I don't. No.

I don't understand any of it.

[SIGHS]

Now, come on.
No!

No coffee.

Here, have a nice bowl
of cereal instead.

I've been drinking coffee
since I was three.

I need a pick-me-up.

Too bad.

Fine, cereal it is.

Oh, my gosh,
there's a prize inside.

There's a prize...

Hey, you guys!

Hey, Dickie. Hey, Dickie.

What do we have planned next?

Oh, your Mom's got a lot
of stuff planned.

Yeah.
Like what?

DICKIE:
Like what?

SALLY:
You're crazy.

Whoa.

Hello, Dickie.

I've missed you.

So, this guy
totally kidnapped me

when I was hitchhiking that day,

and he was totally weird
with, like, this great haircut,

so I was actually fooled
into thinking that he was okay,

you know?

So I finally escaped,

and I went back
to Dickie's apartment,

and Dickie was gone,
and I was, like,

"Well, I have got
to see my Dickie."

DICKIE:
Um, right.

Uh, I...

I'm doing this thing here,
Cyndi, and...

I just don't know

if it's a great idea
if you're around,

only because I'm trying

[CLEARS THROAT]: Um, I'm thinking if we, uh,
up your rent

a little bit, there's
really no reason why

Cyndi can't stay in the den.

What?

Oh, Dickie, thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, baby.

Wha... George?

CYNDI:
Baby, I have saved up
a sexual experience

of a lifetime for you,

but first,
let's loosen things up a bit,

light some candles,

drink some champagne.

Okay.

Okay.

Do it.

Oh, me, yeah.

Why do I keep my mind

On you all the time

And I don't even know you...

Get out of here,

gross dog.

[WHINES]

[GRUNTS]

Why do I feel this way?

Thinking about you every day

And I don't even know...
Hmm-mm-mm!

Hmm-mm-mm!

Taittinger, the finest bubbly.

Do you like that painting?

Huh?

[SCREAMS]:
Ow!

[LAUGHS]:
Oh... whoo, got ya.

Got away from me.

Ooh, this baby is wound up.

Incoming!

Ow.

[HUMS]

You're fine, you're fine.

No blood. Cheers.

Nice.Yuck.

So... relax, let me tell you
about this family.

Oh... I'm having a good time.

They are great.

Well, George, he's the dad.

He's a little... off,
but Sam... he's a great kid.

He... he's funny.

He doesn't know how great he is,

because he's always
getting bullied at school,

and it took away
all his confidence.

He has a crush
on this girl next door,

and I'm helping him
with that, but...

uh, you probably don't want
to hear all this.

Yeah. Maybe you're right.

And Sally is cute,
and smart, and funny,

and just the other day
I was telling her...

Yeah? Wow, that's
really interesting,

um, but that Grace...
she's a real looker...

in her own
way... I guess.

Grace... Wow, I...

Mom? I never thought
of her like that.

[SCOFFS]: Yeah, right, like
you hadn't noticed?

Come on, and you
think I didn't notice

that George is hot?

You haven't changed, Dickie.

You just think you have.

So, are we going to do
this sex or not,

because I kind of want
to get it over with.

Maybe we shouldn't, you know?

Maybe-maybe it's not
a good idea tonight.

Wait, y-you're turning me down?

Unbelievable.

These yokels
are really getting to you.

Okay, well,
if we're not doing it,

will you at least
put out the damn candles?

Oh, not this one.
It smells great.

This is sandalwood vanilla.

You'd love that.

Ooh!
[SCREAMS]

Oh! Oh!

Oh, oh!
Oh, my God.

CYNDI:
I'm on fire, you idiot!

DICKIE:
I'm sorry.

[CYNDI WHIMPERS]

Hey, pal.

Up-bu-bu-bup, excuse me.

I thought I told you
not to bother our customers.

Hey, pal, I'm harmless.

I just want to talk to Robbie
for, like, ten seconds.

Jerry, Asto,
get rid of this guy.

Beat it, pal.

Let's go.

Oh, it's him!
It's Rob!

Hey, how you doing?
Nice to see you.

Always a pleasure.
Love your car.

Oh, yeah, we have, uh,
global warming...
I understand.

Hey, Rob, it's me,
Sidney Wernick.

Rob?

Oh, he's getting away.

Robbie! Rob!

It's me, Sidney Wernick.

I'm Dickie Roberts' agent.

Give me five seconds.

DICKIE:
Yep, she's a cutie.

I'll give you that.

A girl that pretty

is never going to like me.

Come on, have you seen
Ric Ocasek from The Cars?

That guy's rough.

You're way ahead of him.

Listen, all you got to do
is show her

what a cool, funny dude you are.

But... I'm not good at talking
like you are.

Well, that's debatable.

Let's talk to your mom about it.

Maybe she has some ideas.

No, no. We can't talk
to a mom about this.

This is stuff
a dad has to help me with,

you know, man to man.

DICKIE:
I got an idea.

Come here.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ooh...

Each day through my window,
I watch her as she passes by

To have a girl like her

Is truly a dream come true

Out of all the fellas
in the world

She belongs to me

But it was just my imagination

Running away with me

It was just my imagination

Running away with me...

Ho-ho, whoa, Sam!

Whoa-whoa!

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[CAT HOWLING]

Ow.

[SCREAMING]

Uh, Barbie...

[OBJECTS CLANGING]

[SHOUTING]
[GLASS SHATTERING]

Uh, Barbie, I was...
I was hoping

you'd like to go

to a movie with me.

Yes, Sam, I'll go to a movie
with you.

[DOG BARKING]
[TIRES SCREECHING]

Ooh...
[HORN HONKS]

MAN:
Idiot!

[COW LOWING]

[GROANS]
Yeah, hey, wait,
hold on, here he is.

Dickie, it's Sidney...
it sounds like something's
wrong.

What?

Hey, Sidney, what's up?

Dickie, turn on the news.

Famous director Rob Reiner
was the victim

of a road rage incident today
in Hollywood.

Witnesses say that Mr. Reiner
was stopped at a red light

when a large angry man
pulled Mr. Reiner

out of his Honda inside

and began beating him
for well over a minute.

Mr. Reiner was rushed
to a nearby hospital,

his only dazed words being,

"I have no idea what I did
to make that man so angry."

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

Dickie, I got you an audition.

You got me that audition?
How?

Well, it's a long story,
but it's tomorrow at 3:00.

Tomorrow at 3:00?
I-I-I'm... I'll never be ready.

Well, you got to be ready,

because the audition's
at the hospital,

and then Rob's going under
for an operation.

What, an operation?

Well, anyway, long story short,

Rob needs a kidney,
and I'm giving him one of mine.

We swapped...

a kidney for an audition.

You'd better get that job!

[PHONE CLICKS]

Holy crap.

It's tomorrow.

I'm not ready.

Wait.

I've got an idea.

Okay, here we go.

You're going to be ready,
Dickie.

This is the big one.

It's Christmas morning.

You're waking up excited.

You think you heard reindeer
on the roof, okay?

All right, I'll be
down in a second.

Mom, this was such a good idea
to help Dickie.

Do you think he could pretend
it's Christmas even though

it's not for a while?
Sure, he can,

and if coming down the stairs

and seeing his first red bicycle

helps him with his
acting somehow, then...

huh?

He really is special, isn't he?

Who would've thought?

Yeah, I mean how is it possible
that Stranger Danger

turned out to be so cool?

SAM:
Hey, where's Cyndi?

I thought she would've
helped him with this.

[CLEARS THROAT]:
Slut.

...everybody knows

A turkey and some...

DICKIE:
Here I come.

Help to make the season bright

Tiny tots...

Whoa, a bicycle.

Will find it hard to sleep
tonight

They know that Santa's
on his way

He's loaded lots of toys
and goodies on his sleigh

And every mother's child...

You guys...

that was... that was great
of you to do this for me.

Thanks for being so cool
to put this together, but...

But what?

But... I guess it's true
you can never go home again.

I mean, I missed out
on the real thing,

and I don't... I don't think
I'll ever get it back.

Well, maybe you didn't get
something back.

Maybe you got something
you never had.

Dickie...

...you've been so good
with my family.

You've been so good to me.

You're so different
than the angry, weird guy

who landed on our doorstep
a month ago.

You're a joy to have around...

so... as a present

for all that you've
done to help us.

This isn't part
of your experiment.

I got this gift for you.

Candyland.

You remembered?

That's what moms do.

You grew up, Dickie Roberts.

That's so unfair!

[CHATTERING]

I'm really sorry
that you're here, Mr. Reiner.

Thanks, but why are you sorry?

It's not like you had anything
to do with that guy going nuts.

All right.

Okay.

You ready to read?

We-we don't have much time here.

I think I'm ready.

Woo! I got the part!

Yeah. Woo.

I got it, baby!

Come here, doggy.

I got...

Congratulations.

[COUGHS]

Is it hot out here?

Oh.

Oh.

I got it.

You guys, I got it.

Where is everybody?

You guys, are you kidding me?

I got it. It worked.

Where are you?

There you are.

I got the part!

Oh!

That's wonderful.

Something's wrong.

Oh, George and Cyndi?

George and Cyndi?

They ran off together?

So we're going
to film in Hawaii.

I'm going to be there,
like, six months.

I sacrificed so
much to get this.

Sidney gave up his kidney.

I'll send you guys some money.

No. No, Dickie.

Please, don't worry about us.

You're not responsible for us.

I sometimes feel like I am.
I mean...

George didn't just

suddenly lose his head,
you know?

Something like this was going
to happen sooner or later.

Dickie, it's not your fault.

It's his fault.

Did she take the rest
of your money?

Yeah.

Yeah, but I don't
care, you know?

It was never about the money.

It was about something more
than that.

And now you have that, right?

Yeah.

I have everything
I've always wanted.

And I have you to thank.

Dickie.

Go find your happiness.

Wherever that takes you.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

Dickie, Dickie...

It'll just take one
minute of your time.

What does it feel like
to be living a Hollywood dream?

WOMAN:
Dickie, over here.

We want to interview
the comeback kid
for Hollywood Scene.

Sally, come on.

JANN CARL:
Dickie,

Jann Carl,
from Entertainment Tonight.

Look, we want
to do an exclusive interview.

It's an amazing story.

You have climbed your way back.

I had visions, I was in them

I was looking into the mirror

To see a little bit clearer

The rottenness and evil in me

Fingertips have memories

Mine can't forget the curves
of your body

And when I feel a bit naughty

I run it up the flagpole
and see who salutes

But no one ever does

I'm not sick...

MAN: Folks, it looks like

we'll be departing here
on time today.

We anticipate a smooth trip
to the Hawaiian islands,

and we appreciate you flying
with us here

on Christmas Eve. Ho, Ho, Ho.

Sit back, relax
and enjoy your trip.

Did you want coffee,
tea... or me?

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, Brittany, you are wicked.

Mr. Roberts can't join
the mile-high club.

We're still on the ground.

Thanks anyway, ladies.

I'm just going
to study my lines.

Oh yeah, we heard about
the movie and the director.

You're a huge star.

So tell us... what's
the movie about?

We are huge fans.
Huge.

Huge. Seriously
huge fans.

Sick.
We love your work.

I mean, but normal.

Totally normal.

And in the movie, he wants
to build the biggest house

in the whole world,
because he thinks

it will make him happy,
but it doesn't.

It doesn't?

Big houses make me horny.

Well, he used
to think the same way,

but then he falls in love.

Is she a flight attendant?

Does she get to live
in that big house?

'Cause I met this producer...

No, no, no. Listen, listen.

He finds love, and he realizes
that love is everything.

Not the biggest house
in the world,

not being a billionaire.

He finds out what he wanted
wasn't what he needed,

and what he needed was
in his own backyard.

It was right there
in his own backyard.

Lying in bed
with the radio on...

I didn't have the money

for real presents
this year, okay?

So, Sam, if what I got you is
not what you really wanted,

or you're disappointed,
we can return it.

And Sally, the same goes
for you, all right?

Whoa.

Whoa. Look at
all this stuff.

GRACE:
Where did all this come from?

[BARKS]
When will I see you again...

Dickie!

Dickie, you're here.

[DICKIE LAUGHS]
What are you

doing here?

I can't believe it.

Hey.
Merry Christmas.

Dickie, what about your movie?

Well, sometimes in Hollywood
if you say no,

it only makes them
want you more.

So you're staying, Dickie?

If your Mom's okay with it,
I'd like room and board

for quite a while.

I didn't know
it would be so strong

Waiting and wondering
about you...
Oh.

Okay!

NARRATOR: And so Dickie Roberts'
dreams did come true,

But in a way he never
could have imagined.

He created a sitcom
based on his exploits,

and, with Leif Garrett starring
as the Dickie character,

the show quickly climbed
into the top ten,

winning four Emmys.

Here's Dickie and his agent,
Sidney Wernick.

I may have to pee
every 45 minutes,

but at least I get to pee
in a gold toilet.

Dickie didn't forget
his friends,

and they enjoy a weekly spot
on the popular sitcom.

With Grace in charge
of set design,

Sam writing jokes,

and Sally becoming the youngest
choreographer in TV,

Dickie keeps the show
a real family affair.

Brick wall, waterfall,
Danny thinks

he's got it all, but he don't.

And we do.

So boom with that attitude.

A Reese's Pieces, 7 UP.

Mess with us, we mess you up.

And cut. So good.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

They're driving me crazy.

NARRATOR:
As for George and Cyndi,

their ill-fated romance
didn't quite work out.

Would you make yourself useful

and get me a drink?

How about some champagne?

Whatever.

[GRUNTS, THUDDING]

The bottle impact led
to a case of walking amnesia,

and George was last seen
hitchhiking into the desert

to find himself.

[CHANTING]

Cyndi, soon after,
begged Dickie for a job.

He gave her a guest part
on his show,

on the episode titled
"Cyndi Gets Poison Oak."

Its success led to a spin-off
for Cyndi called,

The Bitch Who Didn't Know
She Was a Bitch.

As for Dickie Roberts,
millions of Americans tuned in

to the sitcom's wedding show

which reflected Dickie's
real-life marriage

to the love of his life, Grace.

The old saying goes,

"There's no business
like show business,"

but as the incredible saga
of "Dickie Roberts,

Former Child Star," shows us,
the more apt saying is,

"There's no love
like real love."

This has been the story
of Dickie Roberts:

The E! True Hollywood Story.

Sooner or later,
love is gonna get ya

Sooner or later,
girl, you got to give in

Sooner or later...

[PIANO PLAYS]

Former child stars
are people, too

They're the same as you,
and you and you

So we asked this simple question

How can it be
that you occasionally

Don't respect their dignity?

'Cause as they make
their way through life

Long after the spotlight's faded

There are things some of you do

That make them want
to be sedated

We loved being child stars

On your television

But please stop giving us crap

Or we'll have
a head-on collision

Thank you for letting
me in your living rooms

To entertain you before bed

But if one more person
calls me Marcia

I'll bust his fucking head

She's very grateful,
just like she said

But please don't call her Marcia

Or she'll bust
your freaking head

Yeah, I'd rather be
called Marcia then Screech.

So I'm sitting alone in Arby's

I get questions
that make me see red

Hey, Eddie?

Where's Herman Munster?

Well, pal, for ten years,
he's been dead

They ask,
"Hey, Lucy, where's J.R.?"

Come on, y'all, be realistic.

One more "Hey, Joanie,
where's Chachi,"

and I'll go ballistic.

Our costars are not
on our speed dial

So please don't ask

Or take that phone and shove it

Right up your dumb fat ass

No, we don't ride in fancy limos

Private jets, they're not for us

So you may see us driving Neons

Or riding the Greyhound bus

Yeah, we live
just like all of you

So don't call us losers

Or we'll punch you
with so many rights

You'll be begging for lefts

[VOICE BREAKING]:
And beggars can't be choosers

[SCREAMS]

[GUITAR SOLO]

I was on Teen Beat
with Michael Jackson

Now he's bigger, I suppose

Yeah, yeah

Though he may be
a multi-zillionaire

At least I still have my nose

At least we're not crazy

We don't sleep with chimpanzees

We don't bleach our skin

Or dangle babies from balconies

We loved being child stars
on your television

But misbehaving,
we'll bust your head

Gee, Wally,
was it something they said?

Child stars on your television

Most of us have nothing to lose

So we'll put your butt
on the 5:00 news

Child stars on your television

We don't know karate,
but we do know crazy

We'll beat you so bad,
your future will be hazy

Child stars on your television

Don't ever say,
"Didn't you used to be...?"

Or I'll put your head
through a vintage TV

Child stars on your television

Eight rehabs isn't enough

But I've done and seen
the most killer stuff

Child stars on your television

You want an autograph
but I'm a tell you this

Don't ask a brother
when he's taking a piss

Child stars on your television

You can dance like me,
you can dance like Mickey

I'll hurt you real bad,
you can take it from Kenickie

Now of course we've been kidding

This has all been in fun

We're happy you still love us,
after our shows have gone

But please just follow
our simple rules

Or we'll beat you
like rented mules.

[LAUGHS]

We loved being child stars
on your television

Child stars

Child stars.

[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

Oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh-oh, oh

Oh-oh, oh, oh

I'm a former childhood star

If you think you know me,
take another look

I'm not what you think

The heather smile,
the bows I took

Don't misunderstand me

Please don't get me wrong

I wouldn't change a thing

I'm happy to sing one more song

Still I wonder

DAVID SPADE: All right you guys,
thanks for coming.

Let's skedoodle.

All right,
that's seriously the end.

People in the back, beat it.

We know you left your popcorn.

That's fine.
Someone will get it.

And quit pretending like
you're reading the credits.

They're so small,

and we're pushing
them by so fast.

We don't even know
who these people are.

It's some contract thing.

[PASSING WIND]

Who was that?

Was that one of you guys,
or was that me?

[LAUGHS]: That was me.

Got a little bite in it.

Come on, that's funny.

[CLOSING DOOR]