All language subtitles for Dave s03e10 Looking for Love.eng

(FAINT, INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(BOTH LAUGH)

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (CHUCKLES)

But enough about my past,
I want to hear about yours.

Who was the first guy
that you were in love with?

Okay. (CHUCKLES) His
name was Billy Blum.

Was he gorgeous?

- So gorgeous. Oh, my God, I was so obsessed...
- Yeah.

- ... with him.
- Sure.

Mm. All we ever did was kiss.

We tried to keep it a secret,
but then we came into school one day,

- both of us had poison ivy.
- 'Cause you were rolling around

- in the ivy with Blum?
- Yeah, yeah.

- You dog. The back 40?
- In the back 40.

- (LAUGHS) Yeah.
- What is that, a Canadian phrase?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- I like that.

That was real love.

- What about you?
- Mm.

- Eighth grade.
- Mm.

- Bus stop.
- Mm.

Brittany Parker shows up.

- Mm-hmm.
- Rocks the foundation

- of my soul.
- (LAUGHS)

That's first loves for you, huh?

Yeah. I mean...

- Mm?
- I was

beginning to think
that that type of love

only existed when you were a kid.

(WHISPERS): Are we crazy?

I don't know, but...

I would be crazy one million times over

if it meant being crazy with you.

- DIRECTOR: And cut.
- (BUZZER SOUNDS)

- That was such a good take.
- Yeah.

- I fucking felt that one.
- Me, too.

Hey, was that good for camera?

- DIRECTOR: Yeah, good.
- DAVE: Okay, cool.

- Uh...
- Whew.

I feel, like, really well covered

- with this outro scene.
- RACHEL: Thank you.

What I would love... I
know you have a hard out,

but before you go, is there any
way we could get, like, one more

- crack at the verse?
- Fuck yeah.

- Let's do it.
- Okay. Great. All right,

we're gonna do the verse
and the hook one more time.

Reset, everyone. Back to one.
Let's change and get to it.

- DIRECTOR: Yeah, that's great. Let's do it.
- Okay, get Brad back to his one, please.

DIRECTOR: All right, and hit it, Peter.

? I just want to take you to a ball ?

? Have a ball, girl,
valet will call me ?

? Mr. McAdams ?

? Rachel, they gonna call me ?

? Mr. McAdams ?

? I take your name, girl, facts ?

? It's insanely farfetched,
I ain't playing ?

? Why you think I been rapping? ?

? To be Mr. McAdams ?

? Say yes, are you a
blonde or brunette? ?

? You pull 'em both off
like socks in a bed ?

? Notebook even had
a little bit of red ?

? I don't know why I'm
telling you about your hair ?

? You would know best, you
was there, it's your hair ?

? Girl, I confess that I suck dick ?

? Not suck dick, like give head ?

? I'm just bad at doing this shit ?

? Girl, just let me prove that I'm him ?

? Heard you're five-foot-four ?
? I bet you didn't even know that's ?

? My ideal height, I'm six foot ?

? Eh, five eleven, I'm five ten ?

? Friends say I'm funny,
and I got fans, too ?

? So I can relate to
this being off-putting ?

? But I just know you'd
like what I could give ?

? Imagine guac without no chips ?

? Imagine me up at your door ?

? Out of nowhere, what would you say? ?

? What would we do? Probably be weird ?

? Too much build-up, too much presh ?

? Or maybe we would fuck like rabbits ?

? Maybe I'm your Brad
Pitt, fuck Brad Pitt ?

? Don't think about
him, I'm Mr. McAdams ?

? Rachel, they gonna call me ?

? Mr. McAdams ?

? I take your name, girl, facts ?

? It's insanely farfetched,
I ain't playing ?

? Why you think I been rapping? ?

? To be Mr. McAdams ?

? Say yes. ?

Wow.

- Woo! Yes!
- Fuck yeah.

- (GRUNTS)
- Love it.

Hey, is this creepy
and, like, stalker-y

in a weird way, or is this cool?

Well, it's supposed to
be a little bit, right?

- Yeah, it's, like, funny.
- RACHEL: Yeah, yeah.

Shit, sorry, my shoe was
squeaking on that one.

Did I fuck up sound?

Oh, we're not even getting
sound. It's a music video.

(LAUGHS) Right. Right.

He's not used to the format.

- No, it's okay.
- BRAD: Great. Well,

that's all you want? That's
it? That's just the...

- And we're...?
- Yeah.

I think it's kind of
cooler to not overuse you.

- Great.
- Yeah.

- Easiest day I've ever had.
- Yeah

- That's smart. Uh-huh?
- Hey.

- Thank you for coming.
- Uh, we could still...

BRAD: Tell me, are you
gonna call Newt or what?

Oh, my God, stop harassing me about it.

- I will, I will. I just...
- You...

I just call him and ask him like that?

No, no, no, no, no. He only
responds to grocery terms,

so if you want one, say "carrot."

If you want a bunch, say "bananas."

- Bananas?
- Newt?

- RACHEL: Oh...
- DAVE: What're we talking about?

You are a fucking liar.

- I am so fucking with you.
- (LAUGHS)

- Fucker. Ugh.
- Come here.

Just tell him what you
want. It's all good.

Really. Seriously. Trust me. All right?

- Okay. All right.
- I'm so happy to see you, really.

- Okay. I miss you.
- Be well.

- All right. Thanks. Thanks, everyone.
- Okay, you, too.

- Yeah, you be great now.
- BRAD: Thanks, all.

- Okay, it's time.
- Very strong bodied.

- So... (SIGHS)
- Yeah.

Guess that's it, huh?

- Okay.
- But...

I haven't had that much
fun on set in literal years.

You're... Thank you
for getting Brad Pitt

to be in my fucking video.

- Oh.
- And for being here with me and

thank you for making
my dreams come true.

Oh, my God, stop.

I would do anything for you...

... Mr. McAdams.

Mm.

And let me know how it goes with Robyn.

- I know breakups are tough, so call me...
- Yeah.

- ... if you need me.
- Okay.

- I got you.
- Tell your family I say hi.

- RACHEL: I will. (LAUGHS)
- Uncle Dingo says hi.

- RACHEL: Bye.
- Bye.

? ?

- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -

And on the seventh day,

God made Brad Pitt.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Thank you so much for being here, man.

- You killed it.
- Yeah?

- Yeah, that syncopated rap shit.
- Aw.

I wish I could do what you do.

Oh, please, I'm sure you
could do anything you want.

Oh, hardly. (LAUGHS)

- No, I bet you could do it all.
- No. Well, I'll tell you,

I have been toying with the idea

of getting into the space.

- Oh, cool. Like...
- Yeah.

Like outer space travel?

- Bezos?
- The musical space.

- Ah.
- Rhythm, beats.

Well, hey, I have a whole setup at
my house. You are welcome anytime.

- I got an iso booth, mic. Yeah, whatever you want.
- Really? Really?

- Come by.
- What's your address?

It's, uh...

4-5... Do you want to pull
your phone out to write it down?

I'm good.

Oh.

It's 4578 Hambeld Street, 91991.

I have to do the jingle
'cause I just moved in.

- Hey, what kind of windows do you have?
- Uh...

You can see... They're
clear. Is your concern, uh,

paparazzi looking in and
thinking that we're fucking?

- (LAUGHS) Actually...
- I have so much ficus if that's your concern.

- Not my concern. Not at all.
- Okay.

- (GIGGLES)
- I'm getting my windows switched out.

I've just become a total window-head.

It's a really cool neighborhood.
Kegel Michael Key lives...

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Oh, driver's here.

All right, I got to go. I enjoyed that.

- What a man.
- Dave?

- Yeah?
- I can take you to your trailer now.

- Lead the way.
- Cool.

Wow, this is crazy.

- Congratulations.
- Oh.

- Brad Pitt, Rachel McAdams.
- Yeah.

Totally, like, I really grew
up idolizing these people,

so to have this day, so full circle.

- It's awesome.
- Yeah.

Oh, speaking of full circle,

can't believe we're working
together. That's wild.

What do you mean by that?

Have we met?

Yeah, in Lubbock, Texas.

I went to your show. I gave
you a bust of your head.

Oh, yeah! What're you doing out here?

Well, I'm a P. A.

I wanted to break into the industry,

and you told me anything
was possible, so...

- Fuck yeah. Good shit.
- Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

- It is possible, huh? No what ifs, right?
- Yeah, beautiful shit.

- No what ifs, that's right.
- That's cool.

- (CHUCKLES)
- So, today must be, like,

as surreal for you as it is for me, huh?

- Oh, absolutely.
- Hey.

- I got it from here. Thank you.
- Oh.

Hey, this is the hard drive from Emma

with all the raw footage
from the documentary.

I don't even know what she shot
at this point. I just want to,

- like, wrap my head around the footage that...
- Don't worry about it.

I want to talk to you
about schedule next week.

Load me up, brother. I am ready.

You've been going
super hard, Dave, okay?

And I know it's a good distraction

- from Robyn, but I think maybe, like...
- Oh.

This has nothing to do with Robyn.

These are opportunities I've
waited my whole life for, so...

She went back to Wisconsin.
She thinks I'm a monster

who's not looking for love.

She doesn't have the right idea
about me, so there's nothing

- to even process, you know?
- Okay.

Dude, I've been in the same
position a thousand fucking times.

Like, trust me, I understand,
but for this situation,

you know, it's not that crazy. It's not.

Is that Drake's guy?

- Shh.
- ELZ: Who else gets you shit like this, you know?

My guy. I'll talk to
you later, cutie pie.

All right, peace.

What'd he say?

Um...

He's not comfortable
with making the ask.

Not comfortable making the ask?

It's a big ask.

It's not a big ask
at all. He asks Drake,

"Hey, Drake, do you want to
do a session with Lil Dicky?"

Then Drake decides. It's the easy...
It's, like, a sentence-long ask.

He's just, like, yo,
you're in your lane.

- He's in his lane.
- (TOILET FLUSHES)

He pretty much just said that Drake

will never do a song with Lil Dicky.

Okay, who the fuck is this guy?

I don't understand.
Like, it's not his job

to, like, have an opinion.

Bro, you want to get in with
that fool, just hit him up direct.

I hit him direct.

I DM'ed him last week,
and he didn't respond.

Well, I mean, he could've missed it.
I miss DMs all the time.

- It said "read."
- Ooh...

- Well...
- DAVE: It said "read,"

but he could've been, like,
drunk and getting, like, head,

or I don't know, but it said "read."

What'd you say?

All I said was "Hey, man."

- Ugh. Why?
- (GATA LAUGHS)

DAVE: I kept it so neutral.

"Hey, man" is, like, the easiest, like,

thing to respond to. Just write
like, "Hello. Hi." Like, it's...

I don't know. I had a whole
longer thing written out.

I chose not to send it 'cause
I didn't want to weird him out.

Soon as you say, "Hey, man," it just

sound like you about
to ask for something.

It's just so like, "Hey, man."

I knew I should've waited
until he was back in Toronto.

- He's always traveling.
- (WHISPERS): Hey, man.

The most annoying part
of this entire thing is,

I know for a fact, if
I hung out with Drake,

he would absolutely love me.

No doubt in my mind,

whatsoever. I've known this,
like, ever since I've seen

that half-Black, half-Jewish man,

that we were destined to be,
like, a unit of, like, power and fun.

- MIKE: Oh, yeah.
- DAVE: But it's all being blocked by this,

like, gatekeeper who I'm
supposed to care about.

It's, like, how do I still have, like,

non-believers at this point?

What more do I need to achieve?

Bruh, stop worrying about
Drake, Drake, Drake, Drake.

Nigga, you poppin' right now, dawg.

You working with movie stars. Brad Pitt,

Rachel McDonald. Even
me. I'm poppin', too.

Mike, let me tell this nigga.

No, Gata, it's an NDA.

- Can't say anything.
- What's he talking about?

They're making me the
star of Nut Haus, bro.

They're retooling around me.
They bringing more bitches,

extending the shoot, and I
got a ball player contract.

Like, one of them niggas
coming off the bench, bro.

I'm about to go crazy at the mall.
Like, shut that shit down, dawg.

Like, what you need? I got you, bro.

Like a iced-out Star of David.

I don't want anything,
but I think they're, like,

milking your shit in
the wrong way, Gata,

and I don't think you
should be the face of Nut...

I mean, are you okay with this?

Yeah, he's a grown man.
He can choose what he wants.

And I choose the bag.

The whole squad is winning, bro.

Fuck it, let me win. This nigga winning.

He in love. This nigga Elz is...

doing his thing, dude. Like...

And I'm so glad you gandered up
and faked your death, too, nigga.

- That was cold.
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Don't call it that. Why do
you still say it that way?

- MIKE: God, Gata.
- Let's just go get a smoothie.

This place reminds me
of the fucking tour bus.

DAVE: ? How did I get all of this? ?

? Yet still end up like this ?

? All alone, what'd I miss? ?

? So many dates, even
dating got dated ?

? I let her go too soon ?

? I was scared of you ?

? And now I'm just sad at you ?

? All of these stones that I turned ?

? I forgot who my rock was ?

? Batman and Robyn ?

? It's comical how I'll
keep running from problems ?

? I don't act my age at all ?

? I don't change at all ?

? But I'm great, ask 'em all ?

? I need somebody right now ?

? But I don't think
she'll hear me out ?

? And my time is running out ?

? I met a girl ?

? Thank God ?

? I met a girl ?

? Oh, my ?

? She makes me feel alive ?

? She makes me need a life ?

? I met a girl ?

? Thank God. ?

_

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hello?

Hi. You left this.

Your hard drive. In your trailer.

Oh, shit.

All right, hold on, I'll buzz you in.

(GATE BUZZES)

- Hi.
- Yeah, you left it

- on your couch.
- I'm an idiot.

Thank you so much. I was
probably so preoccupied.

Oh, it's all good.

- You're the best.
- (BELLA CHUCKLES)

- Have a great night, okay?
- Actually, uh,

can I use your bathroom?

I just have to drive all the way home

to Rancho Cucamonga, and I don't want

to piss myself, so...

Oh. I don't want that
either, come on in.

- Cool.
- Yeah.

What did you say that
your name was again?

- It's Bella. No "B."
- I'm sorry.

No "B"?

- How...
- I'm just kidding.

(LAUGHS) Oh.

- Um...
- Uh, the bathroom is, like, right up here

- to the left.
- Oh, cool. Cool house, by the way.

Thank you. Yeah, it's
a nice neighborhood.

Lin-Manuel Manual lives around...

It's my name. It's "#RIPLilDicky"
that's trending, not them.

- I'm gonna have to deal with all the fallout.
- MIKE: It's already trending, Dave. Let's just...

- What's the difference between doing that...
- She filmed this?

right now or...

DAVE: Man, you're playing
with fire here doing this.

MIKE: Why? We didn't do anything.

Thanks for that.

Uh...

Oh, shit. Did you see it?

See what?

My short film? I put
it on your hard drive.

Did you go on my hard drive?

Well, yeah. How else were you
supposed to see my short film?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Yeah, but did you, like,
go through my shit, or...

This is going to sound crazy...

(LAUGHS)

but I'm pretty special.

Okay.

What do you mean by that?

I'm the female you.

- Oh.
- I'm a full-blown superstar

right here in your presence.

Cool.

And I know, like, you have

this insane self-belief too,

and that's how you got here.

Yes. Okay, yes.

So, I just... I couldn't let
this opportunity pass me by.

No, I get that.

I respect that mentality.
You got to hustle, so...

Yeah. I went to Kent State, so...

Golden Eagles. Ka-kaw.

I was a slut there, though.

Hey, how about I give you my email.

- Yeah.
- And then you can correspond with me

whenever you want, and you'll
have access to my thoughts,

and we can go back and forth and...

Yeah, but you could, like,
not answer my email, though.

Well, I'm telling you that I'll respond.

I'm sorry. I know, with
the right opportunity

to get to know the real
me, that you would know

that we're on the same level.

You know? And you would
never forget me ever again.

Yeah.

Look, I believe you.

- You seem incredibly dynamic and cool, and...
- Yeah.

It's just today has been
such a long day for me,

so...

So... what?

So...

it's time to go.

No.

What do you mean, "no"?

I don't know. No?

(CHUCKLES)

I mean, you're joking?

Why would I joke about that?

'Cause it's an outlandish thing to do.

I'm serious. We're the same.

I respect and appreciate that,

but I do just think that
we can talk about this...

And I'm saying that
you need the opportunity

to get to know me to
understand the magic that is me.

I know, I'm explaining that I
will give you that opportunity

at a later juncture if we just,
like, properly schedule it.

But why not take advantage
of the opportunity

that we have right now in this moment?

My schedule's just, like, booked
in advance, and I'm so tired.

It seems like you're doing
absolutely nothing, though.

How could you possibly
make that assumption?

'Cause there's nobody here
and you're just by yourself.

That's when I do my best work.

I don't believe you.

- Well...
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

Hold on.

- Holy shit.
- Dave, it's Brad.

- Uh...
- Who is it?

Hey, Brad. Uh, I'll buzz you in.

Just one sec.

- That's Brad fucking Pitt?
- (GATE BUZZES)

That is Brad fucking Pitt?

- Yeah, it's okay.
- Oh, my God.

- Hey.
- Oh, my God.

- This... The universe told me to be here.
- Yeah.

- Did it? Look, I'm not trying to be disrespectful.
- Me and you.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- I need you to fucking leave.

It's exciting, I get it,

- but I've been waiting my whole life...
- (KNOCKING ON GLASS)

Hey.

Hey.

Is this, uh, glass made of wood?

- Uh...
- I'm just fucking with you.

Looks annealed. It's nice.

- Hey, man.
- Yeah, hey.

- Oh, shit.
- I couldn't pass up

the opportunity to get into the "stu."

DAVE: Oh, you want to record?

- BRAD: Yeah.
- DAVE: Hell, yeah.

- Listen, i... is this a bad time?
- No.

- No.
- DAVE: Great time.

Great. Hi, I'm Brad.

Yeah, hi, I'm... I'm Bella.

Uh, I'm sorry, you don't...

You don't remember me?

- Mmm.
- Yeah, we worked on

the "Mr. McAdams" shoot together.

- I walked you to your trailer...
- Oh, my... Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry. I-I have this

condition, prosopagnosia.

I don't remember faces very well.

Happens all the time.

I did it to Seal.

I can only imagine.

It's fine, it's just
hard to get remembered

- in this industry.
- Mm.

- So, yeah. Yeah.
- Okay.

Yeah, it's even harder to
talk about your diseases, like,

publicly like that, so... And, you know,

he wants to actually
start recording music

- for the first time...
- (GASPS)

and I am so honored

to be his shepherd in this process,

so I can tell you firsthand,

like, when I got into
it, it was hard to record

with, like, extraneous
bodies around and whatnot,

so I think if we could just

have our space, we can finish
what we were talking about

- at a later juncture.
- Oh, no, I don't want to run anyone off.

- No, she was...
- Please, please.

The more the merrier. Please.

Let's-let's do this thing.

Like, why not? Yeah.

- We're about to jam.
- (WHISPERS): Shh, just be fucking normal.

BRAD: Is that Corten?

Dave, nice archie. Seriously.

(WHISPERING): Yes!

Whoa. Oh, my God.

Okay.

What am I gonna do? Okay, uh...

Uh, fuck. (LAUGHS)

"What are

Brad Pitt's interests?"

He likes ceramics, too?

Okay.

Okay, I think, like... (MUTTERS)

(TYPING ON PHONE)

A lot of plaster.

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Okay.

(SIGHS)

? ?

Yeah, she, just, like, refuses to leave.

I asked her and she wouldn't listen.

Hmm. Have you ever dealt with
this situation before, Dave?

- No.
- No?

Have you? Like, what is this situation?

Um, well, I think you have a stalker.

- Is that what it is?
- Oh, yeah.

I don't know, I think
she's just, like...

Oh, no.

... like, like she's, like,
hyper-ambitious, and, like...

- No, no.
- ... was raised weird or something.

No, she's-she's fanatical,
die-hard, moves out here.

She's just, like,
a bit koo-koo-ka-roo, you know?

She shows up to your work,
now at your house.

She wants... (IMITATES CHOKING)

DAVE: That is true.
There's something, like,

- really off about her.
- BRAD: Oh, yeah.

She's, like, a little...

Hey, s-s-squirt.

- We were talking about...
- No, we were... we were riff...

on lyrics.

Aw. Now I just feel bad.

DAVE: Do you think she
heard us call her a stalker?

(BRAD AND DAVE WHISPERING)

Damn it, I hate when I...

- I know, I know.
- That sucks to...

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

- Whoa.
- What the hell? Hey.

- Whoa.
- No.

DAVE: Please, stop. Okay?

Um... Stop. Please?

No, no, no, no.

I'm sorry.

That was a mistake. I'm so sorry.

It's totally not cool.

Wow.

This was a mistake. I'm...

Let's put that behind us, okay?

Yeah, it's okay.

Those things happen.

(COUGHS)

Let's make some music. Right?

(LAUGHS) Whew.

(SCATS)

Let's make some music.

Dave, what's your,
uh... What's your, uh,

vocal process here? You
just jump in there cold,

or do you... do you have
some diction exercises?

- (KNOCKS ON GLASS)
- Weak glass.

(WHISPERING): Her reality is our
reality. Now, do you understand?

BELLA: You know,
what is your process, D?

It...

I get emails.

(STAMMERS)

Packs of beats.

- Uh-huh.
- And then I think attitudinally about...

what my attitude is.

- Hmm.
- And then

I'll-I'll smoke weed to...

'cause without it, I'll
have too many inhibitions.

I would love to blaze with you.

You guys should... Yeah,
you should. You guys should.

We should blaze.

BELLA: Can we, like, the three of us?

We'd love your company.

(LAUGHS WEAKLY)

All right, well...

I'll make us a couple of fires.

BELLA: My dad, my father,

they based the character of Milhouse,

from The Simpsons, on him. Yeah.

- BRAD: No.
- He went to high school with Matt Groening.

That is cool. That's really cool.

Entertainment value just,
like, pumps through my heart.

- BRAD: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
- You know?

So... I'm sorry, I'm just, like, ruining

these M&M's like the
giant human turd that I am.

- I'm sorry.
- DAVE: It's okay.

You guys aren't, like,
still thinking about the gun,

are you?

Well, I am now.

(LAUGHS)

Don't, don't, don't think about it.

'Cause, like, don't
feel threatened, okay?

I don't even, like,
really like guns anyway,

so let's just chill out.

Maybe we could come
up with an icebreaker,

like when I used to work at Panera.

Like, "When you die,
what do you want to be remembered for?"

Oh, okay.

Give me your phones.

DAVE: Um...

BRAD: Yup.

Give me your phones.

Okay.

But I...

What were you saying?

I'm sorry, this is just, like,
a lot for me socially, so...

- You know?
- Uh, all of us. Uh, Brad?

- BRAD: There you go.
- (COUGHS)

(MOUTHING)

- (MOUTHING)
- (COUGHING CONTINUES)

(MOUTHING)

(MOUTHING)

- (BELLA CONTINUES COUGHING)
- (MOUTHING)

Yeah, that cheeba'll get you, girl. Yup.

(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS) Where was I?

- Dave. When you die...
- Hmm?

... what do you want
to be remembered for?

My artistic greatness, I guess.

I don't know, I want to,

you know, leave the mark on the world

that I always thought I would leave,

and, like, prove everyone
who ever doubted me wrong.

We are literally, like,

the exact same person.

Really?

That's all that's important to you?

- Me?
- Me?

- (CHUCKLES)
- BRAD: Okay, okay.

(GROANS)

You both want to be famous, right?

- I am famous.
- Yes.

I-I can't even go to the pet store

to buy gerbil food without...

(IMITATES CAMERA SHUTTER)

And that startles the animals.

- Sure.
- Hmm.

Yeah, and then I realize
I'm just another ape

in the zoo.

Yeah. Is that what you want to be?

You want to be a gerbil dressed
up like an ape living in a zoo,

hurling your feces
'cause you're so angry?

Well, actually, when I was a child,

kids at school would say
I looked like a gerbil.

So I would just, like,
scurry around like...

(CHITTERS)

You know? (CHUCKLES)

I actually just want
to, like, show myself

that I am who I always
thought I was, you know?

And I don't want to live
my life with "what ifs."

That's his motto.

Okay, close your eyes.

All right, okay. (CLEARS THROAT)

If you perhaps have big regrets,

because of maybe some

not so savory choices you've made,

it's... never too late

to change course.

What do you see?

Okay, um...

Why is it, do you think,

they bring out the lobster
before you eat it...

... and make you
look at it face to face?

Hmm?

(PHONE CHIMES)

Instacart order's here. Oh, my God.

The plaster's ready.

(SIGHS)

(SQUISHING)

BRAD: Crazy shower, Dave.

A bit... brutal.

Yeah.

BRAD: See how less dense the material is

since you didn't stir it?

Yeah, it's a good thing that we

whisked it in that bathtub over there.

BRAD: Yeah, you just want
to pat it in. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

What do I do about the feet?

Oh, the feet, yeah. The trickiest part.

What you want to do is
get down on all fours.

Mm-hmm. Now, gently

knead it between the toes. Mm-hmm.

That's right.

Mm-hmm.

That's right.

You know, the baker, he makes the dough,

and he kneads it with loving

and kindness, and then he
puts it, places it in the oven.

Mm-hmm, and then lets nature
do its thing. The bread rises

to a golden brown...

- (MOUTHING)
- Mm-hmm, releases an aroma

that we find intoxicating

without ever knowing why.

BELLA: Your voice is
really calming. Thank you.

- (CLATTERS)
- Achoo!

(GASPS)

Sorry, I, uh, just...

I sneezed, so...

(LAUGHS) It's okay,
we're past the pleasantries.

(SHUDDERS)

(MOUTHING)

BELLA: Your feet are beautiful.

Nice and strong.

The toes...

Leg work.

Frozen Jack for the Titanic.

Freeze, freeze, freeze.

Freeze right there. S-Stop.

I-I will stab... Back up.

I swear to God, I'll
do it. Fuck you. No!

- Uh...
- Hey! Whoa!

- Okay.
- (HISSING)

Sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry.

BRAD: Hey, how do we know
that gun's even loaded?

- (GUNSHOTS)
- (SCREAMS)

Well, fuck.

(YELLS FIERCELY)

(SCREAMING, PANTING)

Fuck.

All I wanted to do was
just hang out with you guys

and you couldn't let me
do that, could you? No!

God!

Oh, fuck. Oh, my God.

I can't even trust you
guys to leave you alone.

(PANTING)

DAVE: Uh...

Oh, Jesus.

You did this, okay?

Fuck you guys!

First of all,

- I've been holding it this whole time.
- Shit.

- BELLA: Look it.
- Look at it?

BELLA: Yeah.

Don't look at me.

Don't look. Brad!

Look away!

- Uh, don't look?
- Stop! You did this.

- (DAVE GROANS)
- The fucking... Fuck!

Don't! God!

You know what?
You're gonna do whatever I say.

You're gonna call Sony

in order to make my
dreams come true, okay?

Whatever you need at
all times. For sure.

I just want to manage
expectations, you know,

'cause talent drives
everything, which... is...

good for you 'cause you
have talent, a lot of talent, so...

I see the way you guys look at me.

- I see it.
- We look at you with admiration.

But what's so good about you, Dave?

Nothing, nothing!
Stop, stop, stop, stop!

What makes you better than me, David?

Nothing, I fucking
suck! I fully suck, okay?

I'm a piece of shit, I just lost a girl,

and I think she thinks
I'm a piece of shit,

and I'm scared that she's right.

That sounds like pussy
problems for a little bitch.

- Okay, uh...
- Huh?

I faked my death just
to, like, sell more albums

and be more famous and successful, okay?

I know you saw the hard drive,

I know that you saw me talk about it!

Please, blackmail me
forever, I don't care!

I don't care about my
career, I just want to live.

Please, stop.

What? (CHUCKLES)

Good job. Give me the hard drive.

Give me the hard drive!

(STAMMERS)

- Give me the drive.
- Okay.

Now, we're gonna get some dirt on you.

Okay?

Do something that'll get you canceled.

I don't adhere to those
types of social structures,

- so I don't really...
- Okay.

Okay, I once knew this guy,

a white guy, he said
he grew up in China,

and so he talked like that,

and I would make fun
of the way he talked.

Okay.

What accent did he do, Brad?

You know, like the... like the... China.

- BELLA: Like-like what?
- BRAD: Like, you know.

Do the accent.

- No.
- Say it.

- He's a white Chinese?
- BRAD: No.

- Now!
- No way.

Do the accent.

(ASIAN ACCENT): No!

Was that it?

No.

- It was pre-Internet.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

GATA: Yo, LD? You here, bruh?

- It's me. Gata.
- DAVE: Just...

don't... Just don't answer.
He'll go away.

- BELLA: Shh!
- Oh, shit, I remember the code.

- DAVE: No! No! Fuck!
- (GATE BUZZES)

Shh. Okay, you're gonna shut up,

and if you say a word, I'm
gonna blow his brains out.

Understand?

(DOOR OPENS)

Yo, LD, what's up?

Oh, shit.

Fight Club. Get the fuck out of Dodge.

What's up, brother?

I-I call everyone "brother."

Ah, it's all good. Hey,
how you doin'? I'm...

DAVE: That-That's Bella.
You know Bella. You met her

at the music video shoot.

Yeah, of course I met her. She's the

one that gave me all the snacks on set.

- Yeah.
- I was just saying

I'm happy to see her still
wiggling out here, bro.

She wanna be just like
you, dawg. She a real one.

Look at her vibin'. Come on, dawg.

(GATA SNIFFING)

What's up with all
of this, though, like?

Why it stink like a
motherfucker in here?

My family friend came by
with her newborn and had

a bit of an emergency.

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- GATA: You know how babies be.

And I said, like, don't change
the diaper in front of us,

'cause I hate seeing the baby vagina.

'Cause, like, I don't want to look at it

and think, like, "Do I
have attraction or not?"

And I never do, but I hate
having that thought process, but...

- What?
- It smells like lemongrass to me.

Anyways, where the fuck
are my glasses at, bruh?

The ones on your head?

Ah, shit.

I drove 40 minutes over here

for these motherfuckers,
and they've been on my head

the whole time. That's crazy.

What y'all got goin' on though, man?

You got the fireplace burning,
this nigga Brad Pitt up in here.

I just came here to make music.

Stop it. You make music, too?

Aw, you're more amazing than I thought.

Bruh, I need that
verse, bro. Come on, man.

Let me get 16, bruh. It won't
take that long. I'll write your shit.

Okay.

GATA: That's what I'm saying,
Bella, you gotta go after

what you want in life at all costs.

- Yeah.
- You on the right path, though.

Look where you at.
You got LD, Brad Pitt.

Can't nobody tell you shit.

You're right! You're
right. I'm gonna win this.

- I really had to hear this right now.
- GATA: Hell yeah.

BELLA: Yeah, this is legendary.

I am legendary.

This is my shit! I'm royalty! I know.

- I'm about to skyrocket. (LAUGHS)
- (THUMPING)

Can she hear me or no?

Don't nod visibly. Don't nod visibly.

(GROANS SOFTLY) (WHISPERING): No. No.

Okay, okay. Follow my lead, okay?

- Uh-huh.
- We time this right,

we got the numbers,
three to one against her.

You copy? Don't nod visibly.

Copy.

- BRAD: Okay.
- But I don't know what you mean.

Like, I don't particularly
want to make this violent.

This is your destiny. It's your time.

GATA: This is your legacy.

Like, what you gonna
leave behind for your kids?

You know what I mean?

That's too big of a decision
to let somebody else decide.

Gata's gonna get us killed, man.

He's saying all the wrong type of shit.

No, no, no. It's not your day, Dave.

It's not your day to die. Say it.

Will it. This is on you now, okay?

What do I do?

You're gonna have to roll this bitch.

I don't think we should be
making any big moves right now.

I think we can really
talk her down if we just...

He's got her distracted. You
have to take her from behind.

- I can't do this.
- Grab that gun, and you're gonna

turn it on her, you're
gonna turn the tables.

I'm not a man like that.

Do you not understand the
beast you're dealing with?

- DAVE: No.
- This is not a rational human being.

I don't know about kids, though,

'cause they're, like, kind
of ungrateful, so, you know...

- What?
- Yeah.

I'd do anything for my moms.

Yeah, people say that, but
what have you actually really

done for her? I'm curious, actually.

She only understands force.

Put that force on her ass, Dave.

- (DAVE GROANS)
- When I say... (CLEARS THROAT)

What's up, Geek Squad? You
still setting up over there, or what?

- Say what?
- Bro, we got Brad

in the booth. Don't waste his time.

Whoo! Come on, man.
We got to get Brad locked in.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm just getting

all the levels right, you know.

For him, I want to make it crisp.

And, like, it's his first time, uh...

We got to lock it in, brother!

- DAVE: Oh, uh, no, no, no.
- Yeah!

- BELLA: Yeah.
- GATA: Oh, shit. Locked in, man. (LAUGHS)

- You a fool.
- BELLA: I'm crazy.

GATA: You fucking crazy. Hey, bruh?

You gonna play this out
the loudspeakers or what?

I'm trying to hear it, bro.

BELLA: Are we gonna listen, or...?

GATA: Play it, bro.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUTO-TUNED): Okay,
but I really don't...

Oh, shit, that's tight.

? Hey! ?

Wow. This shit is... ? Tight ?

? So fucking cool ?

? We have to be strong ?

? 'Cause life is short ?

? We have to move when we got to move ?

? Get in the game ?

? Listen to me ?

? We have to do what we have to do ?

? To rid ourselves of all this fear ?

(BASS HITS)

? Listen to me, stay
focused on the task at hand ?

? The time is now ?

? Now is the present ?

? The present is also now... ?

I know, right? This shit is hard.

This a vibe right here, bro.
Killing it over there, LD.

You are the fucking man, bro.

I'm so happy she here, dude.

? What? Ugh! ?

? Listen to me ?

? There's no right way to live ?

? And no wrong way to die ?

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

? What is enough? ?

? Enough is enough ?

(MOANS)

? Are you enough? ?

? The universe is calling you ?

? Go, Dave, go, now! ?

Now!

Yeah! Whoo!

Go!

No!

The gun!

- Oh!
- You idiot!

Get the gun!

- She's got a bow!
- Freeze, Dave!

- Okay! Okay!
- I will fucking shoot you!

- No!
- Shut up!

- Put that shit down, yo.
- Oh, my God.

Fuck this weak...

- Shut up!
- ... fucking glass.

Why the fuck you let her in here?

- Glass...
- Brad!

Glass, glass.

DAVE: No! Shit! Stop! You
don't have to do this, Bella.

- Shut up!
- Fucking weak glass!

(SCREAMS)

DAVE: Jesus, fuck.

No! Fuck!

- No!
- What the fuck?

DAVE: Oh, no! Gata!

Go, Gata. Go, go, go, go.

- DAVE: Go, go, go.
- Ow.

Fuck, man.

Ow.

(GROANS)

Close it, close it, close it.

Close the door, close
the door, close the door.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God.

- Bro, what the fuck is going on?
- (SHUSHES)

Shut the fuck up, Gata. Be
quiet. I told you she was

fucking crazy, I'm trying to
tell you all goddamn night.

We got to do something about
this right now. Uh, uh, uh...

Ah. Okay. Yeah.

GATA: Bro, what the fuck is that, bro?

- You gonna Silly String her to death?
- No, this is bear mace that Robyn left.

She's not a bear, bro.
You don't got a gun here?

It's all right... a gun?
I don't believe in guns.

(PANTING)

- Where is she?
- I don't know.

I don't know where she is.

- What the fuck is that noise?
- I think she's out there.

- (SHOUTS)
- Oh.

Oh, it's just a mirror.

Okay.

- Bro, is this real?
- Yeah. What?

- Or is this part of Nut Haus?
- What?

What the fuck? What
are you talking about?

- Oh, are you pranking me?
- No, this is real, man.

BELLA: Dave?

(CRYING): Dave, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

I just, I just figured

that maybe you would
really like my short film.

I don't know.

If you'd watch it.

(PANTING)

I'm sorry!

Dave?

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

- (SCREAMING)
- (SHRIEKS)

(GRUNTING)

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ah!

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS)

DAVE: Gata, the gun!

Oh! Oh, my God!

- (GUNSHOTS)
- (SHOUTING)

- Hold her down. Get...
- Oh, shit.

Fuck!

Uh, uh...

(SCREAMING)

What is on me?

Get the gun, get the gun, get the gun.

- Do it.
- Yeah, bitch! What you gonna do now?

- Yeah! Yeah!
- Huh?

I ain't Brad Pitt, bitch.
I will pop your ass.

- Brad!
- No!

Fuck your short film.

I just want to hang out. Fuck!

(CRYING): Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Hey, Brad, Brad, Brad,
Brad, Brad, you're not gonna die.

- This shit fucking hurts.
- Yeah, this looks horrific, brutal.

- It's horrible.
- Fuck, I can't believe she shot you.

- I don't want to die, man.
- You're not gonna die, Brad.

You're not gonna die right
now. This is my fault.

- Luke?
- No, it's Dave, it's Dave.

No, my real name is Luke...

Pitt.

Your name's Luke?

- Luke.
- Okay.

Luke? Uh, everything's gonna be okay.

The cops are coming.
So just hang on, okay?

No, I don't want to die here
on this shitty carpet, man.

I think you're reacting to
the glass on the carpet, but...

What does it say on
that stupid fucking arrow

that's protruding from my chest?

Uh, it says the, uh, the
"Looking for Love Tour."

It's a stage prop that I
had on tour, and then I...

Cupid, am I right? Fuck.

- Dave?
- Yes.

- Dave.
- Yes, Brad.

- Luke.
- Yes. Luke.

Until you love yourself,

you can never love another.

Man, I love myself too much.

That's why I get into these
fucking situations, man.

No, Dave, then you would be enough.

Until you're enough for you,

you can never be enough for another.

You wouldn't be chasing
all this validation.

- Trust me, bro.
- (SIRENS APPROACHING)

Oh, hey, they're here.
They're coming, they're coming.

Come on in, come on in.

? ?

(ALERT CHIMES)

DAVE: (SIGHS) Man.

I have been thinking about
what I want to say to you

for a while now.

And I know you deserve the
best that I have to offer,

so, like, I've been
really evaluating myself

to see if I'm finally ready for this.

And I am.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- I really am.

- Pop, tell Ava about your skydiving story.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, so, I'm-I'm hurtling
towards the Earth,

a-and my, uh, instructor
pulls the rip cord,

- but nothing happens.
- AVA: No...

DAVE: And honestly, I think, deep down,

I've just been scared.

Well, no, tell the Sundance people

Dave is actually now
willing to promote it.

It's really exciting.

DAVE: Scared to put myself out there.

Uh-huh. I truly can't believe we are...

DAVE: Scared of all my doubts.

And I've been looking
for love this entire time

without ever truly loving myself.

Come on. You got to see
this. What you think?

But the person I love the
most is right in front of me.

- Beautiful.
- How you feel about it?

I think it's gorgeous.

It's yours. This house is yours.

What? Honey!

DAVE: A wise man once told me
that until you can love yourself...

Hey, Mom, hey, Dad.
Um, I got some big news.

Uh, I'm starting my own record label.

- ... you won't be able to love anybody else.
- Yeah.

(QUIETLY): Uh, I need to
borrow some more money, though.

DAVE: When I close my eyes,

I-I swear I think of the same thing

over and over and over again.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

It's you.

It's always been you.

? ?

? I love myself ?

? I do ?

? Every morning and every night ?

? I love myself ?

? I do... ?

(ELEPHANT EXHALES)

Let's get you out of here.

(GRUNTS)

- Hey.
- Hey, how was your flight?

It was a little long.

- (SIGHS)
- Yeah.

- Where is, uh...
- Right over there.

- Oh.
- Watch your step, watch your step.

Okay. Thank you.

Hey, Drake!

What's up?

Thank you for responding
to my DM. I, uh...

I know it was long, but,
uh, shooters shoot, right?

- That's what they say.
- Yeah.

I apologize for the delay on it, but...

- No. Yeah.
- Happy-happy we could connect, for sure.

I've just been all over the place.

- All right.
- (SOFTLY): Yeah.

- Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
- Yes, sir. I got you.

- You don't know how long I've waited for this.
- (CHUCKLES)

You're here now, though, so...

- Yeah.
- Welcome.

- Thank you.
- Welcome.

I know that my DM probably,
like, sounded crazy and...

my aggression level to getting
here might be far-reaching,

but, like, I really am,
like... I am a superstar.

I am worthy and I am special.

I appreciate that, but
y... when you say it,

it's almost like you have this,
like, kind of undertone, like,

there's, like, an
auto-tune crying under you.

- Oh. Yeah.
- So, like, just tell me again,

like, you're special, but
without being like, "Eh, eh."

- I'm a star. Yeah.
- Yes. Yeah. Again.

- I'm on your fucking level. I am.
- (CHUCKLES): Okay.

- (DRAKE STAMMERS)
- I'm a star!

- I'm a superstar, man. I am.
- Yeah.

- I like that. For real, kid.
- Yeah.

Let's cook. We're... by the way,

just, like, super intense first combo.

I was go... about to ask
if you wanted to eat, but...

- Oh.
- ... obviously we went

straight into positive
affirmations, so...

Any, like, chance you can, like,
teach me how to love myself?

No. That's like a...

Wish we could rewind life.
I didn't ask you that.

But the first time that I, like,

I heard you and I was like,
"I fuck with this shit."

- Like, I fuck with your...
- (EXHALES)

- I fuck with your shit.
- That means the world.

All I ever needed was the opportunity.

Yeah, yeah, no, I have a
studio. You want to, like...

I mean, listen, we can listen to beats,

you can play me some
shit, like, whatever.

I'd love to make some,
like, scorned love, like,

"girl that got away" type shit.

(SCOFFS) Might have to
extend the trip, then.

- (LAUGHS): Let's go.
- So much time.

DRAKE: What should I call
you, by the way? Dave or Dicky?

DAVE: Oh.

Um...

? Me, Drake, on one song ?

? I did it ?

? How did I do it? I did it ?

? I got a song with Drake ?

? I got a song with Drake ?

? I got a song with Drake ?

? I did it, I did it ?

? Me, Drake, yes ?

? Same song, Spotify credits ?

? Billboard's, everything, I did it ?

? I've done it, how did I do it? ?

? I got a song with Drake,
yes, I got a song with Drake ?

? I got a song with Drake,
I got a song with Drake ?

? Look at the chart ?

? Wait till his part ?

? It'll be, like, Drake ?

? They will try to hate ?

? But don't know it's great ?

? Watch how it does in a club ?

? Drizzy, tell 'em what's up ?

? It's Drake. ?

(LAUGHTER)

DIRECTOR: Cut, cut.

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