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00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:07,007
[splat]
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00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:09,210
(Whitney Cummings)
FROM MY HOMETOWN,
WASHINGTON, D.C.,
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00:00:09,310 --> 00:00:10,778
PLEASE WELCOME...
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00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:12,213
ME.
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00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:15,249
[cheers, whistles, applause]
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00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:21,055
*
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[cheers, whistles, applause]
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00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:34,668
*
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WHAT IS UP, D.C.?
COME ON!
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00:00:37,071 --> 00:00:38,639
COME ON!
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[cheers, whistles, applause]
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00:00:40,341 --> 00:00:43,010
WOW, D.C.!
MY HOMETOWN, BITCHES!
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00:00:43,111 --> 00:00:44,678
COME ON!
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[cheers, whistles, applause]
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00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:51,519
I AM WEARING SO MUCH MAKEUP
RIGHT NOW, GUYS,
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00:00:51,619 --> 00:00:54,054
I AM LIKE
THE CHRISTINA AGUILERA
OF COMEDY.
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00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:55,589
GIVE IT UP FOR MY MAKEUP.
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00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:57,057
COME ON!
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00:00:57,158 --> 00:00:59,860
[cheers, whistles, applause]
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00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,029
THIS IS SO FUCKING AWESOME!
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00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:05,099
I-- SO GOOD TO BE HOME.
I LOVE D.C. SO MUCH.
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00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:06,834
I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE
IN SO LONG.
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00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:08,336
FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND,
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00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,138
OUR MAYOR
DOES NOT DO DRUGS ANYMORE.
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00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:12,906
IS THAT WHAT I---
SINCE I'VE BEEN GONE?
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00:01:13,006 --> 00:01:15,909
BUT, UH,
NOW THAT I'M A COMEDIAN
I TRAVEL SO MUCH NOW
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00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:18,011
AND MY FAVORITE THING
TO DO WHEN I FLY
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IS READ THIS MAGAZINE
CALLED COSMOPOLITAN.
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LADIES, DO WE READ
THIS MAGAZINE?
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[women whooping]
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THIS MAGAZINE
BASICALLY TEACHES US
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HOW TO BE SLUTS, RIGHT?
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[laughter]
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LIKE, THERE WAS
AN ARTICLE IN THERE.
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00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:33,861
IT WAS LIKE,
"HOW TO TURN ON YOUR GUY."
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- HE'S A GUY.
- [laughter]
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00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:39,099
- TAKE OFF A SOCK, OKAY?
- [laughter, applause]
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00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:40,534
THERE WAS ANOTHER ONE.
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00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,403
IT WAS LIKE,
"FOR ADVENTUROUS SEX,
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00:01:42,503 --> 00:01:44,538
"SURPRISE YOUR MAN AT WORK
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00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:46,207
FOR A QUICKIE."
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00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:48,309
I'M LIKE,
I CANNOT SURPRISE
MY MAN AT WORK
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00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:49,843
FOR A QUICKIE, OKAY?
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00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:52,780
HE DOESN'T HAVE A JOB.
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00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,315
WHAT, I'M GONNA GO UP TO HIM
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00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:55,949
WHILE HE'S WATCHING
SPORTS ON THE COUCH,
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"SURPRISE"?
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00:01:58,352 --> 00:02:00,221
THEN THERE
WAS THE WHOLE SECTION--
I SWEAR TO GOD--
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00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:02,390
ON SEX "TRICKS."
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00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:04,858
TRICKS? I DON'T HAVE TO DO
ANY TRICKS IN THE BEDROOM.
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00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,961
I HAVE A VAGINA, OKAY?
52
00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:11,232
TA-DA!
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00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:13,767
I JUST GET TO TAKE
A TYLENOL P.M. AND LIE THERE.
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00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:15,269
THAT'S ALL I'M DOING.
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00:02:15,369 --> 00:02:17,371
[laughter, applause]
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00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,940
YOU DON'T WANT MY VAGINA
DOING TRICKS.
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00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:21,709
WHAT IF I WAS JUST LIKE,
WAA-LAH!
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A BIRD FLEW OUT.
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[laughter, applause]
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00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:28,649
AND THEN THERE
WAS A WHOLE SECTION,
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IT WAS LIKE,
"HOW TO MAKE YOUR MAN SCREAM
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00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:33,153
IN THE BEDROOM."
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00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:35,889
GUYS, YOU ARE NEVER...
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00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:38,259
SUPPOSED TO SCREAM...
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00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:39,860
IN THE BEDROOM.
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00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,162
THAT IS SO GAY.
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[laughter, applause]
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OKAY? I DON'T CARE
IF A PIRANHA
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IS GNAWING
ON YOUR BUTT HOLE, OKAY?
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I DON'T CARE.
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00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:50,404
[laughter, applause]
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00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,973
AND THEN THERE WAS
A WHOLE SECTION ON "ROLE PLAY,"
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00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:54,642
WHICH I GUESS PEOPLE
DO THAT NOW.
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00:02:54,742 --> 00:02:57,110
THEY DRESS UP IN COSTUMES
AND FUCK EACH OTHER.
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AND, UH,
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00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:00,514
- THERE WAS--
- (man) YEAH!
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APPARENTLY, THE MOST POPULAR
ROLE-PLAY FANTASY
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00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:04,452
IS THE "NURSE" FANTASY--
WHICH I DON'T EVEN KNOW.
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00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:06,787
LIKE, IF I WAS GONNA DO
THE "NURSE" FANTASY FOR MY MAN,
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00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:08,055
I WOULD JUST MAKE HIM
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00:03:08,155 --> 00:03:10,658
WAIT IN THE LIVING ROOM...
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00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:12,426
FOR AN HOUR,
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00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:15,429
AND MAKE HIM READ
HIGHLIGHTS MAGAZINE...
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00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:18,098
BEFORE REJECTING
HIS HEALTH INSURANCE, OKAY?
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00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:20,634
THAT'S HOW
THAT WOULD GO DOWN.
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00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:22,870
YOU'RE IDIOTS...
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MAKING US DRESS UP
IN COSTUMES.
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00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:27,140
LADIES, NEXT TIME YOUR MAN
ASKS YOU TO DRESS UP
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00:03:27,241 --> 00:03:28,842
IN A FRIGGIN' COSTUME
TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM,
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00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:31,044
GO TO THE BATHROOM,
TELL HIM YOU'RE GONNA
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00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:32,646
SLIP INTO SOMETHING
MORE COMFORTABLE,
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00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,315
COME OUT
IN A WEDDING DRESS, OKAY?
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00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:36,617
[laughter, oh's]
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[humming The Wedding March]
* DA, DA, DA-DA
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00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:41,121
* DA--
GET A BABY STROLLER.
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[laughter]
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00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:44,792
HE'LL NEVER GET
AN ERECTION AGAIN.
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00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:47,328
IT'S AWESOME.
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00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:49,630
I JUST DON'T LIKE
ALL THESE ROLE-PLAY FANTASIES,
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00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:52,165
'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE THE GUY
IS ALWAYS VERY AUTHORITATIVE,
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00:03:52,266 --> 00:03:54,134
AND THE WOMAN IS ALWAYS,
LIKE, SO WEAK, YOU KNOW?
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00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:56,604
IT'S LIKE THE GUY
IS ALWAYS, LIKE, A LAWYER
OR, LIKE, A DOCTOR,
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00:03:56,704 --> 00:03:58,672
AND THE WOMAN'S ALWAYS,
LIKE, A SECRETARY.
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00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:01,174
THE GUY'S, LIKE, A PROFESSOR
AND THE WOMAN'S A SCHOOLGIRL.
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00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:03,210
WHEN YOU GUYS DO THIS,
YOU'RE JUST REMINDING US
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00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:05,212
OF ALL THE JOBS
YOU DON'T HAVE IN REAL LIFE.
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00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:07,281
HOW ABOUT INSTEAD OF BEING
A DOCTOR IN THE BEDROOM,
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00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:09,049
HOW 'BOUT JUST BE
A FUCKING DOCTOR?
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00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:11,218
HOW 'BOUT THAT?
THAT'S...
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00:04:11,319 --> 00:04:13,421
I DID HAVE A GUY
DO THIS TO ME ONCE.
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00:04:13,521 --> 00:04:15,489
I HAD A GUY SAY TO ME--
I SWEAR TO GOD-- HE WAS LIKE,
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00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,224
"I WANT YOU TO BE
A STRIPPER FOR ME."
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00:04:17,325 --> 00:04:19,226
I WAS LIKE,
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00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:21,862
"UH, YOU WANT ME TO BE
EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE...
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00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,764
"AND TAKE YOUR MONEY?
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00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:26,767
I'VE BEEN DOIN' THAT
SINCE WE FREAKIN' MET, OKAY?"
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00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:29,470
ALL I NEED IS SOME SELF-TANNER
AND A SHITTY SUN TATTOO,
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00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:31,138
AND I'M READY
TO ROCK THIS RIGHT NOW.
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LET'S GO.
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00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,274
DEAD EYES.
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00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:37,811
[laughter, applause]
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00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,283
I DON'T KNOW--
I JUST WAS LIKE, "DUDE,
I AM NOT DOING
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00:04:43,384 --> 00:04:46,387
THE STRIPPER FANTASY."
I TOLD HIM, I WAS LIKE,
"CAN WE JUST COMPROMISE?
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00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:48,356
"HOW 'BOUT I THROW
SOME GLITTER ON YOUR BALLS,
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00:04:48,456 --> 00:04:50,958
AND WE WATCH AMERICAN IDOL.
HOW ABOUT THAT?"
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00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:53,527
I JUST THINK YOU CAN'T DO
THE STRIPPER FANTASY
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00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,763
UNLESS YOU HAVE A STRIPPER BODY,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
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00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:57,431
LIKE, IF I WAS GONNA,
LIKE, GET NAKED
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00:04:57,531 --> 00:04:59,467
AND DANCE AROUND,
YOU KNOW, THAT POLE,
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00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:01,735
YOU GUYS WOULDN'T BE LIKE,
"OH, LOOK AT THAT STRIPPER."
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00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:04,372
YOU'D BE LIKE,
"WHAT IS THAT EUROPEAN BOY
DOIN' ON A JUNGLE GYM?"
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00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:08,709
[laughter, applause]
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00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:11,679
I JUST FEEL LIKE OUR SOCIETY
IS OBSESSED WITH STRIPPERS.
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00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:14,047
LIKE, AT MY GYM IN L.A.,
THERE'S A CLASS CALLED
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00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,849
"STRIPTEASE AEROBICS."
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00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,985
RIGHT? IT'S LIKE, GET IN SHAPE
LIKE A STRIPPER.
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00:05:18,085 --> 00:05:21,389
WHAT, IS A PIMP GONNA CHASE ME
AROUND THE GYM FOR AN HOUR,
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00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:24,958
AND I GET TO DO FRICKIN' BLOW--
WHAT IS THIS CLASS?...
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00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:26,894
I'M IN.
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00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:30,498
[laughter, cheers, applause]
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00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:32,633
I'M JUST NOT ADVENTUROUS
LIKE THAT.
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00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:34,768
LIKE, I HAD A GIRLFRIEND OF MINE
ASK ME RECENTLY, SHE'S LIKE,
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00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:36,236
"HAVE YOU
EVER MADE A SEX TAPE?"
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00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,938
SHE'S A SLUT.
UM...
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00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,607
[laughter]
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00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:41,575
I FEEL LIKE GUYS CAN MAKE
SEX TAPES, RIGHT?
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00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,644
'CAUSE YOU GUYS, YOU'RE LIKE,
EMOTIONALLY UNATTACHED.
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00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:45,746
LIKE, YOU CAN MAKE A SEX TAPE
WITH SOME GIRL, YOU KNOW,
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00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,815
FROM LIKE, 10 YEARS AGO,
POP IN IT NOW AND BE LIKE,
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00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:50,117
- [macho voice] "OH, YEAH!"
- [laughter]
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00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:52,720
I DON'T KNOW WHY I THINK
ALL GUYS JERK-OFF LIKE THAT.
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00:05:52,820 --> 00:05:55,288
- WHY DO-- WHY IS THAT?
- [laughter continues]
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00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:59,159
LIKE-- [grunting]--
JUST LIKE... [grunting]
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00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:01,529
JUST LIKE,
ALWAYS STANDING UP.
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00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:04,565
LIKE, HUNCHED OVER LIKE...
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00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:07,468
LIKE A TROLL OR SOMETHING.
LIKE, [grunting]--
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00:06:07,568 --> 00:06:09,570
AND YOU GO--
YOU LIKE, GROWL-- ARR, ARR.
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00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:11,972
LIKE--
AND IT'S ALWAYS UNDER
A BRIDGE.
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00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:14,174
LIKE, WHY DO I THINK THAT?
160
00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:16,510
BUT YOU GUYS CAN WATCH
SEX TAPES. RIGHT?
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00:06:16,610 --> 00:06:19,547
ALL YOU GUYS HAVE TO DO
IS BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH.
LOOK AT MY BALLS. OH, YEAH."
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00:06:19,647 --> 00:06:21,348
'CAUSE YOU GUYS
LOVE YOUR BALLS.
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00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:23,016
YOU GOT TO SEE YOUR BALLS,
AND YOU'RE STOKED,
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00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:25,152
'CAUSE YOU GUYS--
YOU LOVE YOUR BALLS, RIGHT?
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00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:26,687
YOU THINK THOSE THINGS
ARE AWESOME.
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00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:28,456
YOU THINK THEY'RE SO GREAT.
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00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:31,158
NEWS FLASH--
THEY'RE TERRIBLE.
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00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:33,561
THEY ARE DISGUSTING.
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00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:34,962
THEY'RE EMBARRASSING.
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00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,396
THEY ARE AWFUL.
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00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:38,131
CAN SOMEONE JUST EXPLAIN,
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00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,533
WHY DO ALL BALLS LOOK LIKE
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00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:41,702
THEY'RE 150-YEARS-OLD?
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00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:45,506
[laughter, cheers, applause]
175
00:06:45,606 --> 00:06:48,609
[women cheering]
176
00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:52,045
LIKE, CAN YOU PUT SOME SUNSCREEN
ON THAT, PLEASE?
177
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:54,648
MAYBE SOME LIP BALM
OR SOMETHING-- THAT'D BE GOOD.
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00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:57,851
AND THEY'RE ALWAYS ASHY.
WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS...
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00:06:57,951 --> 00:07:00,220
BUT THEY'RE ALSO, LIKE,
STICKY AT THE SAME TIME,
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00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,690
SO IT'S LIKE,
WHAT IS THE TEMPERATURE
DOWN THERE?
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00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:04,324
I CANNOT FIGURE IT OUT.
182
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:07,227
WHAT IS THAT WETNESS
GOING ON?
183
00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:09,096
LIKE, WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S TEARS.
IT'S PROBABLY TEARS.
184
00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:11,198
THEY'RE CRYING, 'CAUSE THEY
KNOW HOW UGLY THEY ARE.
185
00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:13,066
THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON.
186
00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:15,268
THEY LOOK LIKE THAT THING
HANGING OFF A ROOSTER'S CHIN,
187
00:07:15,368 --> 00:07:17,270
JUST RIGHT...UGH.
188
00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:20,474
OH, AND YOU GUYS
ARE SHAVING 'EM NOW--
YOU THINK THAT HELPS?
189
00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:22,576
DO NOT SHAVE YOUR BALLS.
190
00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:24,277
THE LAST THING THOSE THINGS
NEED TO BE ARE MORE VISIBLE.
191
00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:25,913
NO WAY.
192
00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:28,248
GROW IT OUT,
COVER UP THOSE WEIRD,
193
00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:30,784
BROWN SPLOTCHES
AND...VEINS.
194
00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:33,654
THEY'RE AWFUL.
THEY LOOK LIKE DRIED FRUIT.
195
00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:35,889
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED
OF YOURSELVES.
196
00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:38,659
HOW DARE YOU?
197
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:40,694
BUT, LIKE, WOMEN,
WE CAN'T MAKE SEX TAPES.
198
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:43,030
WE'RE TOO EMOTIONAL, RIGHT?
WE'RE TOO SENSITIVE.
199
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,132
LIKE, IF I WERE TO MAKE
A SEX TAPE WITH SOME GUY,
YOU KNOW, FROM LIKE,
200
00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:48,035
FIVE YEARS AGO, POP IN IT NOW,
I WOULDN'T BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH!"
201
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:51,404
I'D BE LIKE, [crying mockingly]
"OH, MY GOD. I MISS HIM SO MUCH.
202
00:07:51,505 --> 00:07:53,641
"I'M GONNA
FIND HIM ON FACEBOOK.
203
00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:55,475
- I'M GONNA..."
- [laughter]
204
00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:57,511
I'M JUST NOT LIKE THAT.
205
00:07:57,611 --> 00:07:59,847
LOOK, I HAVE GIRLFRIENDS
WHO WILL TEXT-MESSAGE
206
00:07:59,947 --> 00:08:01,982
NAKED PHOTOS OF THEMSELVES
TO THEIR MAN,
207
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:04,084
WHICH I GUESS THE WHOLE POINT
OF THAT IS TO BE LIKE,
208
00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:06,319
"OH, HERE'S WHAT'S WAITIN'
FOR YOU AT HOME, BIG BOY...
209
00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:07,955
PHOTOS."
210
00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:09,857
IF I WAS TO DO
211
00:08:09,957 --> 00:08:11,825
A "HERE'S WHAT'S WAITIN' FOR YOU
AT HOME" PHOTO SHOOT,
212
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:14,227
I WOULD TAKE SOME PICTURES
OF THE FRICKIN' DISHES, OKAY?
213
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:15,896
THE BILLS RIGHT NOW.
214
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:18,832
MY VAGINA'S NOT WAITING FOR YOU
AT HOME AT ALL.
215
00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:20,934
IT'S TRYIN' TO BOOK ME
AN ACTING JOB.
216
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:23,671
IT IS VERY BUSY RIGHT NOW.
I'M JUST NOT SEXY LIKE THAT.
217
00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:26,807
I FEEL LIKE GIRLS ARE SEXY NOW.
I'M NOT A SEXY GIRLFRIEND.
218
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:28,475
ALL I DO
IN RELATIONSHIPS
IS FIGHT.
219
00:08:28,576 --> 00:08:30,443
THAT'S ALL I EVER DO
IN RELATIONSHIPS.
220
00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:33,647
BUT THE THING IS THAT WOMEN--
WE ARE AMAZING FIGHTERS, RIGHT?
221
00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:36,684
- [women whooping]
- WE ARE AMAZING FIGHTERS.
222
00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:39,119
WE ARE LIKE
EMOTIONAL NINJAS,
223
00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:41,254
- RIGHT?
- [laughter]
224
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:44,625
OUR FAVORITE TACTIC
IS THE SILENT TREATMENT.
THAT IS OUR JAM, RIGHT?
225
00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:46,526
OUR MAN PISSES US OFF--
"HE PISSED ME OFF.
226
00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:48,528
"I'M NOT GONNA TALK TO HIM
FOR THE REST OF THE DAY.
227
00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:50,297
I'M GONNA SHOW HIM."
228
00:08:50,397 --> 00:08:53,466
LADIES, "THE SILENT TREATMENT"
IS NOT A PUNISHMENT.
229
00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:55,703
[laughter, applause]
230
00:08:57,938 --> 00:09:00,808
IT'S A FREAKIN' REWARD, OKAY?
231
00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:03,010
HE'S LIKE, "OH, THANK GOD
SHE SHUT THE HELL UP.
232
00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:05,846
"OH, MY GOD.
I LOVE THE SILENT TREATMENT.
233
00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:09,650
"I GET TO WATCH SPORTSCENTER
AGAIN TODAY.
234
00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:13,486
I'M GONNA FORGET HER BIRTHDAY
EVERY YEAR."
235
00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:15,155
LADIES, NEXT TIME YOUR MAN
PISSES YOU OFF,
236
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,224
DO NOT GIVE HIM
"THE SILENT TREATMENT."
237
00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:20,861
INSTEAD, GO GOOGLE THE MOST
IMPORTANT GAME OF THE SEASON,
238
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:22,696
SIT NEXT TO HIM
DURING THAT GAME,
239
00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:25,565
AND JUST ASK AS MANY...
240
00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:27,434
FUCKING QUESTIONS...
241
00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:29,202
AS POSSIBLE.
242
00:09:29,302 --> 00:09:30,771
"I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
243
00:09:30,871 --> 00:09:34,207
"WHO'S THAT GUY
IN THE STRIPED SHIRT?
244
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:37,711
"DOES HE WORK AT FOOT LOCKER?
245
00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:39,512
"I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
246
00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:41,782
"WHY ARE THEY ALL WEARING
THE SAME OUTFIT?
247
00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:44,284
WHEN ARE WE GONNA HAVE
A BABY?"
248
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:46,486
EVENTUALLY,
HE WILL SHOOT HIMSELF
IN THE FACE,
249
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,188
AND YOU FUCKING WIN
THAT ARGUMENT.
250
00:09:48,288 --> 00:09:50,724
[laughter, applause]
251
00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:52,559
YOU CANNOT DEFEAT A WOMAN
252
00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:54,327
IN AN ARGUMENT, RIGHT?
IT'S NEVER HAPPENED.
253
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,396
'CAUSE WOMEN,
254
00:09:56,496 --> 00:09:58,265
WE NEVER EXPRESS THE EMOTIONS
WE'RE ACTUALLY FEELING, RIGHT?
255
00:09:58,365 --> 00:10:00,233
WHEN WE ARE MOST PISSED OFF,
YOU GUYS, WHAT DO WE SAY?
256
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:02,069
[happy voice]
"I'M FINE."
257
00:10:02,169 --> 00:10:05,472
"I'M FINE"
MEANS I'M ABOUT TO STAB YOU
IN THE NECK.
258
00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:07,240
- [laughter]
- OKAY?
259
00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:09,409
WOMEN ARE VERY TRICKY.
WE'RE VERY MISLEADING, RIGHT?
260
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:12,145
NOT ONLY EMOTIONALLY,
ALSO PHYSICALLY,
WOMEN ARE MISLEADING.
261
00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:14,514
LIKE, YOU'LL SEE
A GIRL OUT AT A BAR.
SHE'S LIKE, 5'7".
262
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:17,350
YOU TAKE HER HOME.
THE SHOES COME OFF.
SHE'S A GNOME, RIGHT?
263
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:19,252
[laughter]
264
00:10:19,352 --> 00:10:21,121
WE'RE THE SAME WAY EMOTIONALLY,
AND WE ALWAYS EXPRESS
265
00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:22,823
THE OPPOSITE EMOTION
WE'RE FEELING.
266
00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:25,192
WE DO IT WITH OTHER WOMEN,
TOO, RIGHT?
267
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,094
WE'RE ALWAYS, LIKE,
THE OPPOSITE WITH WOMEN.
IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.
268
00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:29,262
LIKE, ONE WOMAN HATES
ANTHER WOMAN.
269
00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:31,164
THE WOMEN SHE HATES
WALKS IN THE DOOR-- IT'S LIKE,
270
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:33,133
"I CAN'T STAND THAT BITCH.
I CANNOT STAND THAT BITCH.
271
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:34,668
I HATE THAT BITCH.
I CANNOT STAND
THAT LITTLE SLUT."
272
00:10:34,768 --> 00:10:36,870
[high-pitched voice]
"OH, HI!"
273
00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:40,674
YOU CANNOT FUCK
WITH THAT KIND OF CRAZY, OKAY?
274
00:10:40,774 --> 00:10:43,143
[laughter, applause]
275
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:46,446
BUT I FEEL LIKE
ALL WE WANT YOU GUYS TO DO
276
00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:47,915
IS ASK US
HOW WE'RE FEELING, RIGHT?
277
00:10:48,015 --> 00:10:49,783
ASK US, "WHAT'S WRONG?"
278
00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:52,019
YOU FINALLY ASK US WHAT'S WRONG,
WHAT DO WE SAY?
279
00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:53,653
"NOTHING."
EVEN IF WE DO ADMIT IT,
IT'S LIKE,
280
00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:55,923
"YEAH, SOMETHING'S WRONG,
281
00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:57,725
"BUT IF YOU
DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,
I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU."
282
00:10:57,825 --> 00:10:59,592
GUYS, LET ME
EXPLAIN THAT TO YOU, OKAY?
283
00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:02,362
USUALLY WHEN WE'RE PISSED OFF
AT YOU BUT DON'T TELL YOU WHY,
284
00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:06,566
IT'S BECAUSE WE SNOOPED
THROUGH YOUR SHIT, OKAY?
285
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,869
CELL PHONES-- WE FOUND
SOMETHING INCRIMINATING,
286
00:11:08,969 --> 00:11:10,603
BUT WE CAN'T YELL AT YOU
ABOUT IT,
287
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:13,006
'CAUSE THEN
WE'D HAVE TO "ADMIT"
288
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,042
THAT WE SNOOPED
THROUGH YOUR SHIT.
289
00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:18,211
SO WE JUST SILENTLY PUNISH YOU
FOR, LIKE, MONTHS...
290
00:11:18,311 --> 00:11:21,048
UNTIL ONE DAY IT'LL JUST
RANDOMLY EXPLODE OUT.
291
00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:23,483
YOU'LL BE LIKE, "HEY, BABY,
DO YOU WANT TO GO
292
00:11:23,583 --> 00:11:25,052
TO THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY
FOR DINNER?"
293
00:11:25,152 --> 00:11:27,554
"OH, WHY?!
IS THAT WHERE
'JULIE' WORKS?!"
294
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,357
[laughter, applause]
295
00:11:34,962 --> 00:11:37,697
I SNOOP.
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
296
00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:39,532
(woman) WOO!
297
00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:41,168
THE PROBLEM WITH WOMEN
AND SNOOPING
298
00:11:41,268 --> 00:11:43,103
IS WE DON'T THINK
WE'RE DOING ANYTHING WRONG,
299
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,939
'CAUSE OUR MINDS CAN TALK US
INTO ANYTHING, RIGHT?
300
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,341
WE COULD RATIONALIZE ANYTHING
IN OUR CRAZY HEADS.
301
00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:49,810
YOU DON'T REALIZE UNTIL LATER,
302
00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:51,812
TILL WE'RE FIGHTING WITH YOU
ABOUT IT,
303
00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:54,114
HOW WE JUSTIFIED IT IN OUR
CRAZY-ASS BRAINS, YOU KNOW?
304
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:56,616
WE'RE LIKE, "WHAT? I WAS NOT
GOING THROUGH YOUR WALLET, OKAY?
305
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,151
"I WAS JUST CLEANING IT.
306
00:11:58,251 --> 00:11:59,552
[laughter]
307
00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:01,188
YOU'RE WELCOME!"
308
00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:04,557
[laughter, applause]
309
00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:06,493
I THINK THE WORST THING
YOU CAN FIND
310
00:12:06,593 --> 00:12:08,428
WHEN YOU'RE SNOOPING
IS JEWELRY.
311
00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:10,330
THAT'S THE WORST THING, RIGHT?
LIKE, ANOTHER WOMAN'S JEWELRY,
312
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:12,399
EVEN IF IT'S
AN EX-GIRLFRIEND
OR WHATEVER.
313
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,234
BUT I HAVE FOUND --
HOW PISSED OFF I GOT
ABOUT THE JEWELRY
314
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,870
I FOUND IN MY MAN'S PLACE
WAS DIRECTLY CORRELATED
315
00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:18,939
TO HOW NICE THE JEWELRY WAS.
316
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:21,474
SO ONE TIME I FOUND THIS REALLY
CRAPPY PLASTIC BRACELET.
317
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:24,477
I WAS LIKE, "OH, WHAT,
YOU SLEPT WITH SOME GIRL
WHO SHOPS AT 'CLAIRE'S'?
318
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:26,679
'ACCESSORIES,' IS THAT IT?"
319
00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:28,181
BUT THEN I JUST NAMED
A BUNCH OF STORES
320
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:30,283
THAT NO MAN
HAS EVER HEARD OF.
321
00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:32,953
I WAS LIKE, "OH, WHAT IS THIS,
FROM 'WET SEAL', HUH?
322
00:12:33,053 --> 00:12:35,255
"WHAT IS THIS,
FROM 'SPIEGEL'?
323
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:38,325
WHAT IS THIS,
FROM 'Overstock.com'?"
324
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,460
BUT THEN ONE TIME I FOUND
A REALLY, LIKE, NICE,
325
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:43,063
LIKE, SILVER BRACELET
AND IT HAD, LIKE,
SOME DIAMONDS IN IT.
326
00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:46,233
I DIDN'T YELL AT HIM AT ALL.
I JUST PUT IT ON MY WRIST...
327
00:12:46,333 --> 00:12:48,836
AND HE NEVER
HEARD ABOUT IT AGAIN...
328
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:50,838
- 'CAUSE I STEAL.
- [laughter]
329
00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:52,772
IT'S MINE NOW, SLUT!
330
00:12:52,873 --> 00:12:54,741
[laughter, applause]
331
00:12:54,842 --> 00:12:56,910
I THINK THAT RELATIONSHIPS
JUST MAKE WOMEN CRAZY.
332
00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:59,079
THEY MAKE
PERFECTLY NORMAL PEOPLE
GO INSANE, RIGHT?
333
00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:00,848
LIKE, I LIKE TO PLAY
A LITTLE GAME,
334
00:13:00,948 --> 00:13:02,382
LIKE, THREE MONTHS
INTO A RELATIONSHIP.
335
00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:03,851
IT'S CALLED,
336
00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:06,453
"LET'S GO THROUGH
YOUR CELL PHONE
337
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:07,821
"AND DELETE THE CONTACTS...
338
00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:09,389
I DON'T LIKE."
339
00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:11,024
[laughter, applause]
340
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:13,026
THAT'S WHEN I GET TO
GO THROUGH YOUR PHONE,
341
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,028
YOU GOTTA TELL ME
WHO EVERY GIRL IS IN YOUR PHONE,
342
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,997
AND THEN I DECIDE
IF I FREAKIN' LIKE IT OR NOT.
343
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:18,665
[laughter, applause]
344
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:20,433
IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
345
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:23,336
"LINDSEY"...
SOUNDS LIKE A SLUT.
DELETE THAT.
346
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:26,874
"RICHARD"...
THAT'S A SLUT FOR SURE.
DELETE THAT.
347
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:29,609
"MOM"?
THAT'S A WHORE.
DELETE THAT.
348
00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:31,144
YOU GUYS HAVE
YOUR WEIRD STUFF, TOO.
349
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:32,913
I RECENTLY
NOTICED ABOUT GUYS--
350
00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:35,482
I NOTICED THAT EVERY GUY
I'VE EVER KNOWN,
351
00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:38,251
SOMEWHERE IN HIS HOUSE
OR APARTMENT OR WHATEVER,
352
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:42,822
HAS A JAR
THAT'S FULL OF "COINS"?
353
00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:45,258
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
354
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:47,027
THE LAST GUY I DATED--
I WAS LIKE,
355
00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:48,896
"OH, MAYBE HE,
LIKE, COLLECTS COINS,
356
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:50,931
OR MAYBE THAT'S,
LIKE, HIS LAUNDRY MONEY."
357
00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:53,433
NO, THAT WAS
HIS BANK ACCOUNT, OKAY?
358
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:55,368
[laughter, applause]
359
00:13:55,468 --> 00:13:57,704
LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU, A PIRATE?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
360
00:13:57,804 --> 00:13:59,472
[laughter continues]
361
00:14:01,308 --> 00:14:02,943
I DATE CHEAP GUYS.
I THINK THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
362
00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:04,711
I RECENTLY HAD A GUY--
I SWEAR TO GOD--
363
00:14:04,811 --> 00:14:07,480
ASK ME OUT ON A DATE
TO GO GET COFFEE.
364
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:10,183
IS THAT HAPPENING NOW,
IN THE PLAID SHIRT?
365
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:12,185
YOU'RE DOIN'
THAT WITH GIRLS NOW?
366
00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:14,754
YOU'RE NOT STRAIGHT.
NO WAY.
367
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,924
[laughter, cheers, applause]
368
00:14:17,024 --> 00:14:20,593
WHAT IS THIS SHIRT?
WHAT ARE WE DOIN' HERE?
369
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:23,396
WHAT ARE WE DOIN'?
YOU'RE FUCKIN' ON TV.
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
370
00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:24,932
[laughter, applause]
371
00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:27,367
YOU'RE FUCKIN'
KILLIN' ME RIGHT NOW.
372
00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:29,769
AND YOU,
DON'T EVEN TRY TO LAUGH.
THIS IS WORSE.
373
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:31,304
[laughter]
374
00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:33,306
DO YOU SEE HOW HOT
THESE GIRLS ARE?
375
00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:35,708
YOU'RE FUCKIN' BLOWIN' IT.
THIS IS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.
376
00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:37,710
NO, I LIKE IT.
YOU'RE SEXY.
377
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:39,212
ARE YOU SINGLE?
378
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,848
- UH--EHH!
- [laughter, applause]
379
00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:43,350
EH--EH--EH!
380
00:14:43,450 --> 00:14:44,918
TOO MUCH CUM IN YOUR MOUTH?
CAN'T TALK?
381
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:46,954
[laughter, applause]
382
00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:49,022
- OKAY.
- [cheers, applause]
383
00:14:53,026 --> 00:14:54,661
NO, I SERIOUSLY--
I SWEAR TO GOD--
384
00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:57,064
I HAD A GUY ASK ME OUT
ON A DATE TO GO GET COFFEE.
385
00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:58,798
HOW CHEAP IS THAT?
386
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,567
HE'S LIKE,
"HEY, DO YOU WANNA, LIKE,
387
00:15:00,667 --> 00:15:02,269
MAYBE GO GET
SOME COFFEE LATER?"
I WAS, LIKE, "SURE.
388
00:15:02,369 --> 00:15:04,271
"YOU KNOW WHERE THERE'S
REALLY GOOD COFFEE?
389
00:15:04,371 --> 00:15:06,373
"THIS PLACE THAT'S CALLED, UH,
'MORTON'S STEAKHOUSE'...
390
00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:07,807
[laughter]
391
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:09,776
"YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
392
00:15:09,876 --> 00:15:11,378
[laughter, applause]
393
00:15:11,478 --> 00:15:13,613
"I LOVE A LITTLE COFFEE
WITH MY LOBSTER.
394
00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:15,615
- LET'S GO."
- [laughter]
395
00:15:15,715 --> 00:15:18,151
AND THEN I'M SUCH AN IDIOT
THAT I WENT ON THE COFFEE DATE.
396
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,153
IT WAS AT, LIKE,
4:00 IN THE AFTERNOON.
397
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:22,289
AND I SHOWED UP TO GO--
LIKE, I WENT UP TO THE COUNTER
398
00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:24,691
TO PAY FOR MY COFFEE--
IT WAS LIKE $1.70 OR SOMETHING--
399
00:15:24,791 --> 00:15:26,093
AND I GO TO PULL OUT
MY WALLET.
400
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:27,827
HE CUTS IN FRONT OF ME.
HE GOES,
401
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,597
"NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO...
402
00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:32,665
- I GOT IT."
- [laughter]
403
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,535
OH, REALLY?
ARE YOU GONNA GET SOME COINS
FROM YOUR FRICKIN' JAR?
404
00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:37,270
IS THAT HOW YOU'RE...?
405
00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:38,972
WOMEN ARE CHEAPER
THAN MEN, THOUGH.
406
00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:40,907
IT'S NOT EVEN
THAT WE'RE CHEAP.
407
00:15:41,008 --> 00:15:43,310
WE JUST NEVER EXPECT
TO PAY FOR ANYTHING, RIGHT?
408
00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:45,878
SO MUCH SO,
WE HAVE MASTERED THE ART
OF SOMETHING
409
00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:47,547
THAT I LIKE TO CALL
THE "PUMP FAKE"...
410
00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:49,282
[laughter]
411
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:51,418
WHICH IS WHEN THE BILL
COMES TO THE TABLE,
412
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:54,087
WE'LL JUST STICK
OUR HAND IN OUR PURSE...
413
00:15:54,187 --> 00:15:59,159
[laughter, applause]
414
00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:01,761
JUST MOVE IT AROUND
FOR AS LONG AS WE HAVE TO
415
00:16:01,861 --> 00:16:03,930
UNTIL YOU GUYS
SIGN THE CHECK.
416
00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:05,398
WE'RE NOT GRABBING ANYTHING.
417
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:07,300
WE'RE JUST SHUFFLING
SHIT AROUND...
418
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:10,337
JUST GETTING STABBED
BY PENCILS.
419
00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:13,640
IF IT'S A SMALL PURSE,
WE'LL JUST DO THAT.
420
00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:16,143
AND IF IT'S A CLUTCH,
WE'LL JUST FINGER-BANG IT
421
00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:17,977
AS LONG AS WE HAVE TO.
422
00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:21,081
[laughter, applause]
423
00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:24,317
THAT'S WHEN YOU PUT A FINGER
IN SOMEONE'S VAGINA.
424
00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:29,989
[laughter, cheers, applause]
425
00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:32,059
I ACTUALLY DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT'S GOIN' ON ANYMORE.
426
00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:34,127
I DON'T KNOW IF THE GUY'S
SUPPOSED TO PAY,
427
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,129
IF THE GIRL'S SUPPOSED TO,
IF YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SPLIT IT.
428
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:38,098
I JUST GOT OUT OF A FOUR-YEAR
RELATIONSHIP JUST RECENTLY.
429
00:16:38,198 --> 00:16:39,632
- (man) WOO!
- YEAH, THANKS.
430
00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:41,068
YOU'RE HAPPY ABOUT THAT?
431
00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:42,602
- YEAH.
- [laughter]
432
00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:44,371
I'M SINGLE.
YOU WANNA DO THIS RIGHT NOW?
433
00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:46,139
[laughter]
434
00:16:46,239 --> 00:16:48,108
THIS IS A WATER BRA.
THIS IS FALSE ADVERTISING.
435
00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:49,809
BUT OTHERWISE...
436
00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:51,078
I'M LIKE, WHAT,
ARE YOU A PEDOPHILE,
437
00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:53,280
- IS THAT IT?
- [laughter]
438
00:16:53,380 --> 00:16:55,615
BUT, NO, I DID, I JUST GOT OUT
OF A FOUR-YEAR RELATIONSHIP.
439
00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:57,784
IT WAS HARD,
BECAUSE WHAT I LEARNED--
AFTER I GOT OUT
440
00:16:57,884 --> 00:16:59,686
OF THE FOUR-YEAR RELATIONSHIP,
I LEARNED THAT WOMEN--
441
00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:01,888
WE'RE NOT GIVEN THE SKILLS
WE NEED TO SURVIVE
442
00:17:01,988 --> 00:17:03,523
IN THE WORLD WITHOUT A MAN.
443
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:05,024
I LEARNED THIS,
'CAUSE RIGHT AFTER WE BROKE UP,
444
00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:06,826
I GOT A BRAND-NEW CAR.
445
00:17:06,926 --> 00:17:08,095
FOUR DAYS AFTER
I GOT A BRAND-NEW CAR,
446
00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:09,896
I FILLED IT UP
WITH DIESEL FUEL.
447
00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:11,331
(audience)
OH!
448
00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:13,400
NOW, I ALWAYS LOVE
THIS REACTION,
449
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,168
'CAUSE ALL
THE GUYS IN THE AUDIENCE
ARE ALWAYS LIKE,
450
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,637
"OH, GOD!"
AND ALL THE GIRLS
ARE JUST LIKE...
451
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:20,006
- "SO?"
- [laughter]
452
00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:21,974
LIKE, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT DIESEL FUEL WAS.
453
00:17:22,075 --> 00:17:24,444
I PULLED UP.
THE REGULAR WAS OUT OF ORDER.
THE SUPREME--
454
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,879
I WAS LIKE, "OH, I'LL JUST
FILL IT UP WITH DIESEL FUEL."
455
00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:28,748
AND THERE
WAS A GREEN BUTTON AND A--
456
00:17:28,848 --> 00:17:31,218
I WAS LIKE, "OH, IT'S PROBABLY
BETTER FOR THE ENVIRONMENT
457
00:17:31,318 --> 00:17:33,019
'CAUSE IT'S GREEN."
458
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:34,721
AND THEN YOU GUYS
ARE PROBABLY WONDERING
459
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:36,723
HOW I GOT THE NOZZLE TO FIT,
BECAUSE A DIESEL NOZZLE
460
00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:38,091
DOESN'T EVEN FIT
IN A REGULAR CAR.
461
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:40,193
I JAMMED IT IN THERE.
462
00:17:40,293 --> 00:17:42,529
I WAS LIKE,
"I'M SELF-SUFFICIENT,
GODDAMMIT!-- UGH!"
463
00:17:42,629 --> 00:17:44,564
A MILE LATER,
MY CAR WAS A BALL OF
464
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:46,466
- FIRE...
- [laughter]
465
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,435
BUT WOMEN ARE NOT TAUGHT
PRACTICAL INFORMATION LIKE THIS.
466
00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:50,270
WE'RE NOT TAUGHT
TO LIVE IN REALITY.
467
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,172
WE'RE TAUGHT TO LIVE
IN OUR IMAGINATIONS,
468
00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:54,607
IN A FANTASY LAND, RIGHT?
I REMEMBER-- IT'S TRUE.
469
00:17:54,707 --> 00:17:57,410
GROWING UP, I USED TO HAVE
IMAGINARY TEA PARTIES.
470
00:17:57,510 --> 00:18:00,580
I WOULD PUT IMAGINARY TEA
IN IMAGINARY CUPS AND DRINK 'EM
471
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:04,484
WITH MY STUFFED ANIMALS,
THAT'S FUCKING CRAZY! OKAY?
472
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:06,753
LIKE, IN ANY OTHER UNIVERSE,
THAT'S JUST SCHIZOPHRENIA,
473
00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:08,455
RIGHT?
474
00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:10,357
AND THE PROBLEM IS,
IT CARRIES INTO ADULTHOOD.
475
00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:12,392
LIKE, GUYS, YOU EVER GET
IN A FIGHT WITH YOUR GIRL,
476
00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:14,327
AND SHE'S MUCH MORE PISSED OFF
AT YOU THAN SHE SHOULD BE?
477
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,663
AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHOA,
THAT ARGUMENT ESCALATED...
478
00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:18,131
REALLY...FAST."
479
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:19,699
IT'S 'CAUSE
FOR THE LAST WEEK,
480
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:21,668
WE'VE BEEN HAVIN'
A FIGHT WITH YOU IN OUR
481
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:23,770
IMAGINATIONS...
482
00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:28,475
[laughter, cheers, applause]
483
00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:32,011
AND IN OUR HEAD,
YOU SAID ALL THE WRONG SHIT.
484
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:35,248
SO BY THE TIME
WE SEE YOU IN PERSON,
WE'RE LIKE, "OH, YEAH?!
485
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:37,617
WELL, THAT'S NOT WHAT
YOU SAID LAST WEEK IN MY MIND!"
486
00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:39,919
[laughter, applause]
487
00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:42,289
I THINK
THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS
THAT WOMEN DO NOT LEARN,
488
00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:44,524
A LOT OF
PRACTICAL INFORMATION.
489
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:47,227
LIKE, I DIDN'T
KNOW WHAT A 401(k) WAS
TILL LIKE A MONTH AGO.
490
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,929
I THOUGHT IT WAS A MARATHON.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
491
00:18:50,029 --> 00:18:53,099
I WAS LIKE, "WHY ARE MY FRIENDS
RUNNING IN THIS MARATHON?
492
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,767
"400 MILES?
493
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:56,803
- FUCK THAT."
- [laughter]
494
00:18:56,903 --> 00:18:59,472
AND THE THINGS THAT ARE SUPPOSED
TO PREPARE WOMEN FOR LIFE DON'T.
495
00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:01,508
LIKE, I WAS IN
THE GIRL SCOUTS.
496
00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:03,710
THE GIRL SCOUTS DOES NOT
TEACH YOU ANY SKILLS, RIGHT?
497
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,346
THE GIRL SCOUTS
BASICALLY TEACHES YOU TO SELL
A BUNCH OF COOKIES
498
00:19:06,446 --> 00:19:08,581
THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN
FRICKIN' MAKE, OKAY?
499
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:10,317
LIKE, IF YOU'RE
TO TAKE THE SKILLS YOU LEARNED
IN THE GIRL SCOUTS
500
00:19:10,417 --> 00:19:12,252
AND APPLY THEM
AS AN ADULT,
501
00:19:12,352 --> 00:19:14,454
YOU'RE SELLING THINGS
TO STRANGERS IN A MINISKIRT.
502
00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:16,723
YOU'RE A HOOKER.
THAT'S WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING.
503
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,459
- THAT'S YOUR JOB NOW.
- [laughter, applause]
504
00:19:19,559 --> 00:19:21,561
BUT GUYS LEARN REAL SKILLS.
505
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,630
YOU GUYS GO TO THE EAGLE SCOUTS
AND LEARN HOW TO, YOU KNOW,
506
00:19:23,730 --> 00:19:26,333
- MAKE ROPES AND-- EHH!
- [laughter]
507
00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:28,568
YOU KNOW,
MAKE FIRES AND STUFF.
508
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:31,037
AND WOMEN DON'T LEARN
THOSE KIND OF SURVIVAL SKILLS.
509
00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:33,406
I WAS THINKING ABOUT
HOW MUCH THAT PISSED ME OFF
AFTER THAT HAPPENED TO ME,
510
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,742
BUT THEN I KIND OF, LIKE,
GOT PERSPECTIVE.
511
00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:37,944
I WAS LIKE,
"GUYS MAY KNOW HOW TO MAKE
ROPES AND FIRES AND STUFF,
512
00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:39,912
"BUT WOMEN,
WE CAN MAKE...
513
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,348
'PEOPLE.'"
514
00:19:41,448 --> 00:19:43,383
[laughter, applause]
515
00:19:43,483 --> 00:19:46,719
OKAY, THAT IS
PRETTY BADASS, OKAY?
516
00:19:46,819 --> 00:19:49,155
GIVE ME
THE BACKSEAT OF A TAURUS
AND SOME "SUTTER HOME,"
517
00:19:49,256 --> 00:19:50,923
I CAN DUPLICATE!
518
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,360
[laughter, cheers, applause]
519
00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:56,263
AND GUESS WHAT...
520
00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:58,498
IT COMES OUT
ON A FREAKIN' ROPE.
521
00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:01,734
[laughter, cheers, applause]
522
00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:06,806
IT'S HARD, THOUGH.
GOING FROM A LONG RELATIONSHIP
523
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:09,208
TO STARTING TO DATE AGAIN
IS VERY DIFFICULT.
524
00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:11,478
'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE IN
A LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP,
YOU'RE COMFORTABLE, RIGHT?
525
00:20:11,578 --> 00:20:13,446
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR
ANY MAKEUP.
526
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,248
YOU CAN JUST PEE IN FRONT
OF THE PERSON OR WHATEVER.
527
00:20:15,348 --> 00:20:16,849
WHEN YOU'RE
DATING SOMEBODY NEW,
528
00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:19,051
YOU HAVE TO TRY TO BE PERFECT.
529
00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:21,187
LIKE, I'VE BEEN DATING
A NEW GUY, AND I'VE BEEN
TRYING TO BE SO PERFECT.
530
00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:23,656
BASICALLY, THE FIRST,
LIKE, THREE MONTHS
OF ME DATING THIS GUY--
531
00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:26,058
EVERY SECOND
HAS BASICALLY BEEN ME...
532
00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:28,828
TRYING TO NOT FART.
THAT'S ALL IT IS.
533
00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:30,897
EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY.
IT'S JUST LIKE,
534
00:20:30,997 --> 00:20:32,999
"PLEASE DON'T FART.
PLEASE DON'T FART.
PLEASE DON'T FART.
535
00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:34,701
PLEASE DON'T FART."
536
00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:36,269
MY ASS IS IN THE SHAPE
OF ITS FUCKING LIFE.
537
00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:38,671
- THAT'S THE UPSIDE.
- [laughter]
538
00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:40,940
BUT THE HARD PART
IS THAT I'LL SOMETIMES
STAY AT HIS HOUSE
539
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:43,510
FOR A COUPLE DAYS AT A TIME
AND I HAVE TO HOLD IT IN SO LONG
540
00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:45,712
THAT BY THE TIME I LEAVE,
I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
541
00:20:45,812 --> 00:20:48,080
SEE YOU LATER."
[loud ongoing fart]
542
00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:49,649
SOMETIMES YOU CAN
CATCH AIR AND LIKE,
543
00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:52,419
- [fart, fart]
- [laughter, applause]
544
00:20:55,322 --> 00:20:56,989
'CAUSE YOU'RE
ALWAYS TRYIN' TO BE PERFECT
545
00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:58,491
FOR THE NEW GUY,
YOU KNOW?
546
00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:00,560
LIKE, WHEN I STAY
AT THIS GUY'S HOUSE--
547
00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:02,495
THE EXTENT
TO WHICH I TRY TO BE
PERFECT FOR THIS GUY--
548
00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:05,632
I WILL WAKE UP AT 6:00 A.M.
WHILE HE'S STILL ASLEEP,
549
00:21:05,732 --> 00:21:08,668
SNEAK INTO THE BATHROOM,
PUT ON A FULL FACE OF MAKEUP,
550
00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:11,538
SNEAK BACK INTO BED,
SO BY THE TIME HE WAKES UP,
551
00:21:11,638 --> 00:21:13,806
I LOOK LIKE
LADY GAGA OR SOMETHING,
WHICH IS SO RIDICULOUS.
552
00:21:13,906 --> 00:21:16,576
WOMEN, WE DO NOT NEED
TO LOOK CUTE IN THE MORNING
553
00:21:16,676 --> 00:21:18,845
FOR OUR MAN--
WE DON'T NEED IT,
554
00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:21,781
BECAUSE GUYS,
BEFORE YOUR EYES EVEN OPEN
IN THE MORNING,
555
00:21:21,881 --> 00:21:24,451
- YOU GUYS HAVE ERECTIONS.
- [laughter, applause]
556
00:21:24,551 --> 00:21:26,553
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT'S LYING NEXT TO YOU,
557
00:21:26,653 --> 00:21:28,355
AND YOU'RE
JUST READY TO...
558
00:21:28,455 --> 00:21:30,390
HAVE SEX WITH IT, REALLY?
YOU ARE HEATHENS.
559
00:21:30,490 --> 00:21:32,392
YOU GUYS LITERALLY
WAKE UP IN THE MORNING.
560
00:21:32,492 --> 00:21:34,627
YOU'RE LIKE,
"[snorting, exhales]--
WHERE'S A HOLE?
561
00:21:34,727 --> 00:21:37,296
- GIVE ME A HOLE."
- [laughter, applause]
562
00:21:37,397 --> 00:21:39,065
IT IS BARBARIC.
563
00:21:39,165 --> 00:21:41,568
[laughter continues]
564
00:21:41,668 --> 00:21:44,070
BUT I DO NOT LIKE MORNING SEX.
I DO NOT LIKE MORNING SEX.
565
00:21:44,170 --> 00:21:45,672
SO WHAT I STARTED DOING
566
00:21:45,772 --> 00:21:48,174
IS I'LL CUT A HOLE
IN A CANTALOUPE...
567
00:21:48,274 --> 00:21:51,277
[laughter, groans, applause]
568
00:21:51,378 --> 00:21:53,279
PUT IT IN THE MICROWAVE
FOR A MINUTE...
569
00:21:53,380 --> 00:21:55,314
[laughter, groans]
570
00:21:55,415 --> 00:21:58,585
PUT A WIG ON IT,
LEAVE IT IN THE BED,
571
00:21:58,685 --> 00:22:01,253
- AND BOUNCE.
- [laughter, applause]
572
00:22:01,354 --> 00:22:02,822
IT'S HARD,
'CAUSE NOW I'M DATING,
573
00:22:02,922 --> 00:22:04,724
AND A LOT OF MY FRIENDS
ARE SETTLING DOWN.
574
00:22:04,824 --> 00:22:06,926
A LOT OF MY FRIENDS
ARE GETTING MARRIED RIGHT NOW,
575
00:22:07,026 --> 00:22:08,661
WHICH IS SO ANNOYING,
'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE GUYS
ALWAYS HAVE EXCUSES
576
00:22:08,761 --> 00:22:10,563
WHY THEY DON'T
WANNA GET MARRIED WITH ME.
577
00:22:10,663 --> 00:22:12,732
ALL THESE EXCUSES--
LIKE, ONE OF MY FAVORITES IS,
578
00:22:12,832 --> 00:22:15,502
"WE DON'T HAVE TO GET MARRIED.
IT'S JUST A PIECE OF PAPER."
579
00:22:15,602 --> 00:22:17,837
WHICH IS NOT TRUE.
MARRIAGE IS NOT JUST
A PIECE OF PAPER.
580
00:22:17,937 --> 00:22:20,006
IT'S ABOUT
MORE THAN THAT, OKAY?
IT'S ABOUT...
581
00:22:20,106 --> 00:22:21,774
- A DIAMOND.
- [laughter]
582
00:22:21,874 --> 00:22:23,676
YOU THINK
IN THE HISTORY OF TIME
583
00:22:23,776 --> 00:22:25,678
ANY WOMAN WAS EVER LIKE,
"OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS,
584
00:22:25,778 --> 00:22:27,246
LOOK AT MY PIECE OF PAPER!"
585
00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:29,248
[high-pitch scream]
586
00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:31,050
- DON'T BE STUPID.
- [laughter]
587
00:22:31,150 --> 00:22:33,219
YOU CAN'T PUT A PIECE OF PAPER
ON eBAY WHEN WE BREAK UP.
588
00:22:33,319 --> 00:22:34,787
THAT'S NOT HELPFUL TO ME.
589
00:22:34,887 --> 00:22:36,623
[laughter]
590
00:22:36,723 --> 00:22:39,258
MY OTHER FAVORITE EXCUSE
THAT I'VE HEARD BEFORE IS,
591
00:22:39,358 --> 00:22:40,660
"YEAH,
WE SHOULDN'T GET MARRIED.
592
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:42,695
MONOGAMY IS JUST NOT NATURAL."
593
00:22:42,795 --> 00:22:44,363
YEAH,
NEITHER ARE FAKE TITS,
BUT YOU GUYS
594
00:22:44,464 --> 00:22:45,965
FRICKIN' LOVE THOSE!
595
00:22:46,065 --> 00:22:48,635
[laughter, applause]
596
00:22:48,735 --> 00:22:51,203
I HAVE FRIENDS GETTING MARRIED,
SO NOW I GO TO ALL THESE EVENTS.
597
00:22:51,303 --> 00:22:54,006
LIKE, I RECENTLY
HAD TO GO TO A BRIDAL SHOWER
FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER.
598
00:22:54,106 --> 00:22:56,709
NOBODY TOLD ME YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BRING SEX TOYS.
599
00:22:56,809 --> 00:22:59,111
I SHOWED UP WITH A TEAPOT,
LIKE AN ASSHOLE.
600
00:22:59,211 --> 00:23:00,947
[laughter]
601
00:23:01,047 --> 00:23:03,416
AND SEX TOYS
HAVE GOTTEN CRAZY.
THERE WAS ONE--
602
00:23:03,516 --> 00:23:06,553
IT WAS A VIBRATOR
THAT HAD FEATHERS?
603
00:23:06,653 --> 00:23:09,388
ON THERE, I WAS LIKE,
"IS THAT IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T
HAD SEX IN SO LONG,
604
00:23:09,489 --> 00:23:10,957
"YOU CAN JUST DUST IT OFF...
605
00:23:11,057 --> 00:23:12,492
[laughter]
606
00:23:12,592 --> 00:23:14,627
AND GET BUSY?"
607
00:23:14,727 --> 00:23:16,463
AND THEN I RECENTLY GOT TO GO
TO A BACHELORETTE PARTY,
608
00:23:16,563 --> 00:23:18,097
WHICH THOSE
ARE ACTUALLY KIND OF FUN.
609
00:23:18,197 --> 00:23:19,932
WE WENT TO A MALE STRIP CLUB,
610
00:23:20,032 --> 00:23:21,768
AND THE THING
THAT CRACKS ME UP ABOUT
MALE STRIPPERS
611
00:23:21,868 --> 00:23:24,637
IS THEY'RE ALWAYS IN, LIKE,
POLICEMEN'S UNIFORMS,
612
00:23:24,737 --> 00:23:26,673
RIGHT, AND LIKE
FIREMEN'S UNIFORMS.
613
00:23:26,773 --> 00:23:29,542
- YOU KNOW
- [laughter]
614
00:23:29,642 --> 00:23:32,712
[whistles, cheers, applause]
615
00:23:32,812 --> 00:23:35,648
MALE STRIPPERS ARE ALWAYS IN
POLICEMEN'S UNIFORMS, FIREMEN'S,
616
00:23:35,748 --> 00:23:38,350
'CAUSE THEY SAY THAT
WOMEN LIKE A "MAN IN UNIFORM."
617
00:23:38,451 --> 00:23:41,020
IT'S NOT ABOUT
"THE UNIFORM," OKAY?
618
00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:43,389
WE LIKE MEN "WITH JOBS."
619
00:23:43,490 --> 00:23:45,124
[laughter, cheers, applause]
620
00:23:45,224 --> 00:23:47,393
[chuckles]
621
00:23:47,494 --> 00:23:51,397
YOU WILL NEVER SEE
A MALE STRIPPER COME OUT
WITH PAJAMA PANTS ON...
622
00:23:51,498 --> 00:23:53,566
HOLDING A VIDEO GAME CONTROLLER
AND A POP-TART.
623
00:23:53,666 --> 00:23:55,768
[laughter, applause]
624
00:23:55,868 --> 00:23:57,837
AND I HAVE TO GO
TO WEDDINGS ALL THE TIME.
625
00:23:57,937 --> 00:24:00,306
AND I THINK THE CRAZIEST PART
ABOUT GOING TO WEDDINGS IS LIKE,
626
00:24:00,406 --> 00:24:01,741
THE CATCHING
OF THE BOUQUET THING,
627
00:24:01,841 --> 00:24:03,676
'CAUSE WOMEN
GET PSYCHO ABOUT--
628
00:24:03,776 --> 00:24:05,512
I WENT IN THERE ONCE
TO TRY TO CATCH THE BOUQUET,
629
00:24:05,612 --> 00:24:07,547
- I GOT SHANKED.
- [laughter, applause]
630
00:24:07,647 --> 00:24:09,315
'CAUSE WHEN THEY SAY
IS THAT IF YOU CATCH THE BOUQUET
631
00:24:09,415 --> 00:24:11,851
THAT MEANS YOU'RE GONNA BE
THE NEXT WOMAN TO GET MARRIED.
632
00:24:11,951 --> 00:24:14,086
NA-AH, CATCH THE BOUQUET,
SEE IF ONE GUY TALKS TO YOU
633
00:24:14,186 --> 00:24:15,421
FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT.
634
00:24:15,522 --> 00:24:17,590
[laughter]
635
00:24:17,690 --> 00:24:19,926
I HAVE FRIENDS GETTING MARRIED
AND HAVING BABIES NOW, TOO,
636
00:24:20,026 --> 00:24:21,594
LIKE, ON PURPOSE.
637
00:24:21,694 --> 00:24:24,897
- I KNOW.
- [laughter]
638
00:24:24,997 --> 00:24:27,867
I FEEL LIKE WOMEN,
AFTER THEY GIVE BIRTH,
THEY JUST GO INSANE.
639
00:24:27,967 --> 00:24:30,402
LIKE, I HAD A FRIEND OF MINE
WHO HAD A BABY SIX MONTHS AGO,
640
00:24:30,503 --> 00:24:32,204
AND SHE CALLS ME UP,
AND SHE'S LIKE,
641
00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:33,506
"DO YOU WANNA COME OVER
642
00:24:33,606 --> 00:24:35,542
AND WATCH MY BIRTH VIDEO?"
643
00:24:35,642 --> 00:24:37,209
(man)
HAH-HAH-HAH!
644
00:24:37,309 --> 00:24:39,011
I WAS LIKE, UH...
645
00:24:39,111 --> 00:24:40,947
[laughter, applause]
646
00:24:41,047 --> 00:24:43,516
I WAS LIKE,
"HELL, YEAH, I DO."
647
00:24:43,616 --> 00:24:45,685
YOU GUYS,
I WENT OVER THERE.
648
00:24:45,785 --> 00:24:48,020
IT WAS THE BIGGEST COOTER
I'VE EVER SEEN...
649
00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:49,522
[laughter, applause]
650
00:24:49,622 --> 00:24:51,090
BUT LIKE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT,
651
00:24:51,190 --> 00:24:52,458
LIKE SHAKY-CAM COOTER.
652
00:24:52,559 --> 00:24:54,460
[laughter]
653
00:24:54,561 --> 00:24:56,963
IT LOOKED LIKE PORN
FROM DOWNTOWN BAGHDAD, OKAY?
654
00:24:57,063 --> 00:24:58,430
[laughter continues]
655
00:24:58,531 --> 00:24:59,866
AND DID YOU GUYS KNOW THIS?
656
00:24:59,966 --> 00:25:01,768
AFTER THE BABY
COMES OUT OF THERE,
657
00:25:01,868 --> 00:25:04,270
A WHOLE BUNCH OF OTHER SHIT
COMES OUT, YOU GUYS.
658
00:25:04,370 --> 00:25:05,672
A JELLYFISH FLEW BY.
659
00:25:05,772 --> 00:25:07,807
[laughter, applause]
660
00:25:07,907 --> 00:25:09,976
A TRAMPOLINE
CAME OUT OF THERE.
661
00:25:10,076 --> 00:25:13,546
I SWEAR TO GOD, JAMIROQUAI
CAME OUT OF HER THING, GUYS.
662
00:25:13,646 --> 00:25:15,915
IT WAS LIKE
CRAIGSLIST EXPLODED.
663
00:25:16,015 --> 00:25:18,517
I WAS LIKE, "I WANNA GIVE BIRTH
JUST SO I CAN FIND MY CAR KEYS."
664
00:25:18,618 --> 00:25:20,286
- LIKE, WHAT...?
- [laughter, applause]
665
00:25:20,386 --> 00:25:22,622
I THINK ALL OF THAT STUFF--
BABIES AND MARRIAGE--
666
00:25:22,722 --> 00:25:24,657
I THINK THAT
ALL THAT'S ABOUT ROMANCE.
667
00:25:24,757 --> 00:25:26,626
I THINK US WOMEN,
WE ARE OBSESSED
WITH ROMANCE, RIGHT,
668
00:25:26,726 --> 00:25:28,127
AND I THINK WE GET BRAINWASHED
FROM ROMANTIC MOVIES.
669
00:25:28,227 --> 00:25:30,730
I THINK THAT IS WHERE IT COMES
FROM. LIKE, I RECENTLY SAW, UM,
670
00:25:30,830 --> 00:25:32,565
THESE MOVIES CALLED TWILIGHT.
671
00:25:32,665 --> 00:25:34,466
- HAVE WE SEEN THIS MOVIE?
- (male) WOO!
672
00:25:34,567 --> 00:25:36,435
RANDOM YELLING GUY?
YEAH, YOU'VE SEEN IT.
673
00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:38,605
I KNOW YOU HAVE,
FOR SURE.
674
00:25:38,705 --> 00:25:40,573
BUT I RECENTLY SAW
THESE MOVIES TWILIGHT.
675
00:25:40,673 --> 00:25:42,474
THEY ARE SO ROMANTIC.
676
00:25:42,575 --> 00:25:43,910
THIS VAMPIRE'S
MADLY IN LOVE WITH THIS GIRL,
677
00:25:44,010 --> 00:25:45,678
AND THEY'RE SO OBSESSED
WITH EACH OTHER.
678
00:25:45,778 --> 00:25:47,647
THEY BRAINWASH YOU.
I WENT INTO THIS MOVIE.
679
00:25:47,747 --> 00:25:49,348
I WAS LIKE,
"OH, SOME MOVIE ABOUT
HIGH SCHOOLERS."
680
00:25:49,448 --> 00:25:50,783
I CAME OUT OF IT,
I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,
681
00:25:50,883 --> 00:25:52,585
I HAVE TO MARRY A VAMPIRE.
OH, MY GOD."
682
00:25:52,685 --> 00:25:54,654
- [laughter]
- IT MAKES YOU OBSESSED.
683
00:25:54,754 --> 00:25:56,589
GUYS,
DON'T LET YOUR GIRLFRIENDS
SEE THIS MOVIE.
684
00:25:56,689 --> 00:25:59,158
SHE WILL LEAVE
YOUR ASS, OKAY?
685
00:25:59,258 --> 00:26:01,227
AFTER I SAW THE MOVIE,
I WOULDN'T TALK
TO THE GUY I WAS DATING
686
00:26:01,327 --> 00:26:03,095
FOR, LIKE, FIVE DAYS.
FINALLY, HE WAS LIKE,
687
00:26:03,195 --> 00:26:04,764
"BABE, WHAT'S WRONG?"
I WAS LIKE, "I DON'T KNOW.
688
00:26:04,864 --> 00:26:06,165
"I KINDA NEED TO DATE
SOMEONE WHO CAN...
689
00:26:06,265 --> 00:26:08,100
- 'FLY.'"
- [laughter]
690
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:10,102
BUT THIS MOVIE--
I THINK IT PROVES THAT
WOMEN HAVE, LIKE,
691
00:26:10,202 --> 00:26:11,971
A BAD-BOY COMPLEX,
'CAUSE THE VAMPIRE
692
00:26:12,071 --> 00:26:14,206
SAYS TO THE GIRL
IN THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE--
693
00:26:14,306 --> 00:26:15,708
HE'S LIKE,
"I WANNA KILL YOU.
694
00:26:15,808 --> 00:26:17,710
I WANNA SUCK YOUR BLOOD."
695
00:26:17,810 --> 00:26:20,479
SHE'S LIKE, [innocent voice]
"IT'S OKAY. I TRUST YOU."
696
00:26:20,579 --> 00:26:22,749
[laughter]
697
00:26:22,849 --> 00:26:24,884
AND THEN HE ADMITS
698
00:26:24,984 --> 00:26:27,319
THAT HE'S
KILLED PEOPLE BEFORE,
AND SHE'S FINE WITH IT,
699
00:26:27,419 --> 00:26:30,289
WHICH, ACTUALLY,
I'M SUCH A JEALOUS GIRLFRIEND
THAT IF MY VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND
700
00:26:30,389 --> 00:26:33,660
TOLD ME HE HAD KILLED PEOPLE,
I'D BE LIKE, "WHO WAS SHE?
701
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:36,562
IS SHE PRETTIER THAN ME,
IS THAT IT?"
702
00:26:36,663 --> 00:26:39,398
- YEAH.
- [cheers, whistles, applause]
703
00:26:39,498 --> 00:26:42,368
I JUST WANT TO DATE A VAMPIRE.
I THINK THAT WOULD BE SO BADASS.
704
00:26:42,468 --> 00:26:44,070
LIKE, DATING A VAMPIRE
705
00:26:44,170 --> 00:26:46,105
WILL LITERALLY SOLVE
ALL YOUR PROBLEMS, RIGHT?
706
00:26:46,205 --> 00:26:48,274
LIKE IF,
IF YOU'RE DATING A VAMPIRE,
707
00:26:48,374 --> 00:26:50,576
YOU WOULD
ALWAYS HAVE THE UPPER HAND.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
708
00:26:50,677 --> 00:26:52,444
LIKE, YOU'D BE DRIVING ALONG
WITH YOUR VAMPIRE,
709
00:26:52,544 --> 00:26:54,380
AND HE'D BE LIKE,
"I'M THINKING ABOUT
SEEING OTHER PEOPLE."
710
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:56,082
YOU'D BE LIKE, "OH, REALLY,
'CAUSE I'M THINKING ABOUT
711
00:26:56,182 --> 00:26:58,918
- "PUTTING THE SUNROOF DOWN...
- [laughter]
712
00:26:59,018 --> 00:27:01,120
- "BITCH.
- [laughter continues]
713
00:27:01,220 --> 00:27:03,923
DON'T MAKE ME GO TO GNC
AND GET SOME GARLIQUE."
714
00:27:04,023 --> 00:27:06,458
[laughter]
715
00:27:06,558 --> 00:27:09,696
BUT THE PROBLEM WITH VAMPIRES
IS THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE 20,
716
00:27:09,796 --> 00:27:11,898
BUT THEY'RE ACTUALLY,
LIKE, 100 YEARS OLD.
717
00:27:11,998 --> 00:27:13,700
SO YOU'D BE DATING
THIS HOT YOUNG GUY
718
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:15,534
WHO, LIKE, GREW UP
IN THE GREAT DEPRESSION
719
00:27:15,634 --> 00:27:17,203
AND, LIKE,
HATES IRISH PEOPLE.
720
00:27:17,303 --> 00:27:19,171
[laughter]
721
00:27:19,271 --> 00:27:21,573
AND THEN, LIKE,
YOU TAKE HIM OUT TO A NIGHTCLUB,
722
00:27:21,674 --> 00:27:23,442
AND HE'D BE, LIKE,
DOING THE CHARLESTON.
723
00:27:23,542 --> 00:27:26,012
[laughter, applause]
724
00:27:26,112 --> 00:27:27,579
OR, LIKE, YOU THINK
HE'S CHEATING ON YOU,
725
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:29,248
SO YOU
GO THROUGH HIS JOURNAL.
726
00:27:29,348 --> 00:27:31,017
YOU'RE LIKE,
"WHO THE HELL IS THIS SLUT, HUH?
727
00:27:31,117 --> 00:27:33,319
HARRIET TUBMAN?
WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?!"
728
00:27:33,419 --> 00:27:35,387
YOU GUYS NEED TO BRUSH UP
ON YOUR BLACK HISTORY,
729
00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:36,756
- JUST...
- [laughter]
730
00:27:36,856 --> 00:27:38,424
JUST THAT AREA.
731
00:27:38,524 --> 00:27:40,592
[laughter]
732
00:27:40,693 --> 00:27:42,494
WOMEN GET OBSESSED
WITH ROMANCE.
733
00:27:42,594 --> 00:27:44,463
I THINK IT ALSO COMES FROM
THE NICKNAMES WE GET GROWING UP.
734
00:27:44,563 --> 00:27:47,133
WITH MY DAD GROWING UP,
CALLED ME "PRINCESS," RIGHT?
735
00:27:47,233 --> 00:27:50,036
PRINCESS-- HE DRILLED IT
INTO MY HEAD AS A KID THAT
I'M A FRICKIN' PRINCESS.
736
00:27:50,136 --> 00:27:51,904
AND THEN I GREW UP,
AND I GOT TO THE REAL WORLD,
737
00:27:52,004 --> 00:27:54,306
AND I REALIZED
THAT NO ONE ELSE WAS ON BOARD...
738
00:27:54,406 --> 00:27:55,875
[laughter]
739
00:27:55,975 --> 00:27:57,910
WITH THE WHOLE
PRINCESS THING, RIGHT?
740
00:27:58,010 --> 00:28:00,312
PRINCESSES DON'T LOSE
THEIR VIRGINITY AT LOLLAPALOOZA.
741
00:28:00,412 --> 00:28:01,948
THAT'S JUST NOT...
742
00:28:02,048 --> 00:28:05,184
[laughter, cheers, applause]
743
00:28:05,284 --> 00:28:06,986
I THINK WE NEED TO START
CALLING KIDS THINGS
744
00:28:07,086 --> 00:28:08,855
TO PREPARE THEM
FOR REAL LIFE.
745
00:28:08,955 --> 00:28:10,589
YOU KNOW,
"GET IN THE CAR, REHAB.
LET'S GO."
746
00:28:10,689 --> 00:28:12,691
[laughter]
747
00:28:12,792 --> 00:28:15,261
WOMEN GET CALLED THINGS
THAT MAKE 'EM
OBSESSED WITH ROMANCE.
748
00:28:15,361 --> 00:28:16,996
GUYS GET CALLED THINGS THAT
MAKE 'EM OBSESSED WITH SPORTS.
749
00:28:17,096 --> 00:28:19,565
YOU GUYS GET CALLED,
LIKE, "CHAMP"...
750
00:28:19,665 --> 00:28:22,001
- EHH.
- [laughter]
751
00:28:22,101 --> 00:28:24,103
"SPORT."
YOU GUYS ARE SO OBSESSED
WITH SPORTS,
752
00:28:24,203 --> 00:28:26,739
YOU GUYS CAN'T EVEN REFER
TO INCREMENTS OF A RELATIONSHIP
753
00:28:26,839 --> 00:28:28,440
WITHOUT REFERRING
TO SPORTS, RIGHT?
754
00:28:28,540 --> 00:28:29,876
"FIRST BASE."
755
00:28:29,976 --> 00:28:32,178
"WE GOT TO SECOND BASE."
756
00:28:32,278 --> 00:28:33,913
LIKE, YOU DON'T SEE
WOMEN RUNNING AROUND
REFERRING TO INCREMENTS
757
00:28:34,013 --> 00:28:35,647
OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS
THROUGH THINGS WE LIKE.
758
00:28:35,748 --> 00:28:37,483
IT'S NOT LIKE,
"LAST NIGHT, ME AND MARK...
759
00:28:37,583 --> 00:28:38,885
UGH! CHANEL PURSE."
760
00:28:38,985 --> 00:28:41,253
[laughter, applause]
761
00:28:43,923 --> 00:28:47,026
YOU GUYS
ARE SO OBSESSED WITH SPORTS
762
00:28:47,126 --> 00:28:49,896
THAT YOU GUYS
WILL WEAR JERSEYS
763
00:28:49,996 --> 00:28:52,498
FOR TEAMS
THAT YOU'RE NOT EVEN ON...
764
00:28:52,598 --> 00:28:54,066
[laughter]
765
00:28:54,166 --> 00:28:56,668
BUT YOU THINK
YOU'RE ON THE TEAM.
766
00:28:56,769 --> 00:28:58,437
YOU'LL BE LIKE,
"YEAH, LAST NIGHT I GUESS
767
00:28:58,537 --> 00:28:59,738
" WE JUST DIDN'T SCORE ENOUGH.
768
00:28:59,839 --> 00:29:02,008
[laughter]
769
00:29:02,108 --> 00:29:04,210
LAST NIGHT I GUESS WE JUST
DIDN'T PLAY ENOUGH DEFENSE."
770
00:29:04,310 --> 00:29:05,912
- "'WE'?
- [laughter]
771
00:29:06,012 --> 00:29:07,746
"THE REDSKINS
DON'T NEED 'YOU.'
772
00:29:07,847 --> 00:29:09,782
[laughter]
773
00:29:09,882 --> 00:29:12,451
"OKAY, THAT'S LIKE
ME WATCHING GREY'S ANATOMY
774
00:29:12,551 --> 00:29:14,720
IN SCRUBS."
775
00:29:14,821 --> 00:29:16,789
[laughter]
776
00:29:16,889 --> 00:29:19,191
[whistles]
777
00:29:19,291 --> 00:29:22,394
[cheers, applause]
778
00:29:22,494 --> 00:29:25,564
BUT THEN
AFTER THE SHOW IS OVER,
I'D BE LIKE,
779
00:29:25,664 --> 00:29:27,199
"OH, GOD, WE JUST
COULD NOT SAVE THAT GUY.
780
00:29:27,299 --> 00:29:28,600
I DON'T KNOW."
781
00:29:28,700 --> 00:29:32,438
[laughter]
782
00:29:32,538 --> 00:29:34,106
YOU GUYS LOVE SPORTS SO MUCH,
783
00:29:34,206 --> 00:29:36,408
YOU GUYS CAN'T EVEN
THROW YOUR TRASH
784
00:29:36,508 --> 00:29:38,277
INTO THE GARBAGE NORMALLY.
785
00:29:38,377 --> 00:29:40,880
[laughter]
786
00:29:40,980 --> 00:29:43,950
YOU GUYS HAVE TO SHOOT
YOUR GARBAGE ACROSS THE ROOM
787
00:29:44,050 --> 00:29:46,185
LIKE IT'S
AN NBA BASKETBALL GAME.
788
00:29:46,285 --> 00:29:48,988
LIKE, YOU DON'T SEE WOMEN LIVING
OUT OUR DREAMS WITH OUR TRASH.
789
00:29:49,088 --> 00:29:50,756
I DON'T TAKE, LIKE,
A USED GUM WRAPPER,
790
00:29:50,857 --> 00:29:52,591
PUT IT AROUND MY RING FINGER
AND BE LIKE...
791
00:29:52,691 --> 00:29:54,760
[laughter, applause]
792
00:29:54,861 --> 00:29:56,795
"BRAD PITT AND I
ARE THINKING ABOUT THE FALL,
793
00:29:56,896 --> 00:29:59,031
- SO..."
- [laughter]
794
00:29:59,131 --> 00:30:01,500
YOU GUYS LOVE SPORTS SO MUCH
THAT YOU GUYS--
795
00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:04,136
I FEEL LIKE YOU GUYS DO THINGS
YOU WOULD NEVER NORMALLY DO,
796
00:30:04,236 --> 00:30:06,572
JUST 'CAUSE
THEY HAVE SPORTS TERMS
ASSOCIATED WITH THEM.
797
00:30:06,672 --> 00:30:08,174
LIKE, I HAVE A FEELING
798
00:30:08,274 --> 00:30:09,909
THE ONLY REASON
YOU GUYS LIKE BEING SINGLE
799
00:30:10,009 --> 00:30:12,144
IS 'CAUSE IT'S CALLED
"PLAYING THE FIELD,"
800
00:30:12,244 --> 00:30:13,980
'CAUSE YOU GUYS
HAVE CONVINCED YOURSELVES
THAT YOU'RE OUT THERE--
801
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:15,747
LIKE, "I'M SHOOTIN' AND SCORIN'
WITH THESE CHICKS.
802
00:30:15,848 --> 00:30:17,816
"I'M SHOOTIN' AND SCORIN'.
UH, I'M SUCH A...
803
00:30:17,917 --> 00:30:19,952
I'M PLAYING THE FIELD.
I'M SO GREAT."
804
00:30:20,052 --> 00:30:21,954
NO, YOU'RE
HOME ALONE JERKING OFF
TO PORN ON YOUR COUCH.
805
00:30:22,054 --> 00:30:23,555
THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
806
00:30:23,655 --> 00:30:25,424
[laughter, applause]
807
00:30:25,524 --> 00:30:26,993
WHICH, I DON'T LIKE PORN.
808
00:30:27,093 --> 00:30:29,061
I DO NOT LIKE PORN BECAUSE...
809
00:30:29,161 --> 00:30:30,863
- [clapping]
- YOU LOVE PORN?
810
00:30:30,963 --> 00:30:32,298
WHAT DO WE LIKE GOIN' ON?"
811
00:30:32,398 --> 00:30:33,832
WHAT DO WE HAVE
GOIN' ON UP THERE?
812
00:30:33,933 --> 00:30:35,534
YAY PORN OR NO PORN?
813
00:30:35,634 --> 00:30:37,236
- (male) YAY PORN!
- YAY PORN.
814
00:30:37,336 --> 00:30:39,371
- [cheers, applause]
- OH, GOOD, I LIKE YOU GUYS.
815
00:30:39,471 --> 00:30:42,875
D.C., DO YOU GUYS HAVE, LIKE,
POLITICAL PORN, LIKE, KINDA...
816
00:30:42,975 --> 00:30:45,344
LIKE, "OH, LOOK.
IT'S FUCKIN'..."
817
00:30:45,444 --> 00:30:47,279
UH, I DON'T
KNOW ANY POLITICIANS.
818
00:30:47,379 --> 00:30:49,448
- UH...
- [laughter, applause]
819
00:30:49,548 --> 00:30:51,550
[cheers, applause]
820
00:30:53,752 --> 00:30:56,822
I LITERALLY-- THE FIRST THING
THAT CAME TO MIND WAS ART MONK
821
00:30:56,923 --> 00:30:58,958
- WHO WAS NOT...
- (male) YEAH!
822
00:30:59,058 --> 00:31:01,527
YOU GUYS ARE PROBABLY
TOO YOUNG TO REMEMBER THIS.
823
00:31:01,627 --> 00:31:02,861
UM, HE WAS NOT A POLITICIAN.
824
00:31:02,962 --> 00:31:04,330
[laughter]
825
00:31:04,430 --> 00:31:06,232
TEN-YEAR-OLD
IN THE FRONT. OKAY.
826
00:31:06,332 --> 00:31:08,100
[laughter]
827
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,169
I DON'T LIKE PORN,
BECAUSE PORN MAKES YOU REALIZE
828
00:31:10,269 --> 00:31:13,005
ALL THE THINGS
YOU'RE NOT DOING RIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
829
00:31:13,105 --> 00:31:14,974
EVERY TIME I WATCH PORN,
830
00:31:15,074 --> 00:31:16,742
LIKE, I'M REMINDED
OF ALL THE THINGS I'M NOT DOING.
831
00:31:16,842 --> 00:31:18,177
I SAW PORN RECENTLY.
832
00:31:18,277 --> 00:31:20,947
I SAW THAT WOMEN
ARE SHAVING BALD.
833
00:31:21,047 --> 00:31:23,682
THEIR PUBES BALD.
ARE WE DOIN' THIS, D.C.?
834
00:31:23,782 --> 00:31:25,817
- [woman cheering]
- OKAY, I LIKE THIS.
835
00:31:25,918 --> 00:31:27,987
WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T.
IT GETS WAY TOO COLD
HERE IN THE WINTER.
836
00:31:28,087 --> 00:31:29,621
DON'T SHAVE IT.
YOU'RE 10.
837
00:31:29,721 --> 00:31:31,023
- DON'T.
- [laughter]
838
00:31:31,123 --> 00:31:32,824
DON'T YOU LOOK AT HER.
839
00:31:32,925 --> 00:31:34,826
JUST 'CAUSE
SHE LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE BOY.
840
00:31:34,927 --> 00:31:37,196
- DON'T YOU DARE.
- [oh's, cheers, applause]
841
00:31:38,931 --> 00:31:40,832
I DON'T GET
THE SHAVING YOUR JUNK.
842
00:31:40,933 --> 00:31:43,369
'CAUSE I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
LIKE, WOMEN ARE DOING THAT NOW."
843
00:31:43,469 --> 00:31:45,938
SO I WENT TO GO SHAVE.
I GOT RAZOR BURN.
844
00:31:46,038 --> 00:31:48,340
I LOOKED LIKE I HAD HERPES
FOR TWO WEEKS, OKAY?
845
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:51,077
- THAT'S NOT CUTE.
- [laughter]
846
00:31:51,177 --> 00:31:53,012
GUYS ARE INTO THAT NOW.
847
00:31:53,112 --> 00:31:54,680
YOU GUYS WANT WOMEN
TO LOOK LIKE LITTLE GIRLS,
848
00:31:54,780 --> 00:31:56,115
WHICH IS NOT--
MY WHOLE THING IS
849
00:31:56,215 --> 00:31:58,217
YOU WANT TO DO
A LITTLE-GIRL FANTASY?
850
00:31:58,317 --> 00:31:59,952
LIKE, I ALREADY
CRY AND THROW TANTRUMS
EVERY FUCKING DAY--
851
00:32:00,052 --> 00:32:01,420
WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?
852
00:32:01,520 --> 00:32:03,155
YOU WANT ME
TO PEE ON YOUR COUCH?
853
00:32:03,255 --> 00:32:05,491
- I CAN DO THAT.
- [laughter]
854
00:32:05,591 --> 00:32:06,959
LIKE, YOU WANT TO DO
A LITTLE-GIRL FANTASY?
HOW 'BOUT YOU PAY ME
855
00:32:07,059 --> 00:32:09,328
AN ALLOWANCE?
LET'S START THERE.
856
00:32:09,428 --> 00:32:12,431
HOW ABOUT YOU PACK ME A LUNCH?
I LIKE THIS IDEA. YES.
857
00:32:12,531 --> 00:32:14,500
[laughter]
858
00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:16,335
I DON'T LIKE PORN,
BECAUSE I THINK IT SETS
THE BAR TOO HIGH.
859
00:32:16,435 --> 00:32:18,404
LIKE, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE
TO COMPETE WITH PORN.
860
00:32:18,504 --> 00:32:21,073
LIKE, I FEEL LIKE WOMEN IN PORN
ARE ALWAYS YELLING SO LOUD,
861
00:32:21,173 --> 00:32:23,075
WHICH I GUESS YOU GUYS
THINK THAT'S SEXY.
862
00:32:23,175 --> 00:32:25,411
I'M NOT LIKE THAT AT ALL.
I'M VERY QUIET IN THE BEDROOM.
863
00:32:25,511 --> 00:32:27,913
I LIKE TO KEEP
A VERY LOW PROFILE IN THERE.
864
00:32:28,014 --> 00:32:29,615
[laughter]
865
00:32:29,715 --> 00:32:32,318
I WILL OCCASIONALLY
WHISPER ENCOURAGING THINGS.
866
00:32:32,418 --> 00:32:33,819
[laughter]
867
00:32:33,919 --> 00:32:35,387
YOU KNOW, I'LL BE LIKE,
868
00:32:35,487 --> 00:32:36,755
"GOOD JOB.
869
00:32:36,855 --> 00:32:41,093
[laughter, applause]
870
00:32:43,829 --> 00:32:45,431
"I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.
871
00:32:45,531 --> 00:32:48,234
[laughter, applause]
872
00:32:51,737 --> 00:32:54,573
"I REALLY THINK YOU'RE SHOWING
A LOT OF IMPROVEMENT.
873
00:32:54,673 --> 00:32:57,009
[laughter, applause]
874
00:32:59,111 --> 00:33:02,114
[chanting]
RUDY. RUDY. RUDY."
875
00:33:02,214 --> 00:33:04,950
[laughter, applause]
876
00:33:05,051 --> 00:33:06,785
IF YOU GUYS NEVER WATCH PORN,
877
00:33:06,885 --> 00:33:08,354
YOUR SEX LIVES
WOULD BE SO MUCH BETTER,
878
00:33:08,454 --> 00:33:10,156
'CAUSE THE BAR WOULD BE
SO MUCH LOWER, RIGHT?
879
00:33:10,256 --> 00:33:12,224
IF YOU GUYS
NEVER WATCHED PORN,
880
00:33:12,324 --> 00:33:14,093
YOU'D COME HOME,
YOU'D SEE YOUR GIRL
LYING ON THE BED.
881
00:33:14,193 --> 00:33:15,961
YOU'D BE LIKE, "OH MY GOD.
SHE'S WEARING SWEATPANTS.
882
00:33:16,062 --> 00:33:17,596
[laughter]
883
00:33:17,696 --> 00:33:19,998
LOOK AT THAT SNUGGY."
884
00:33:20,099 --> 00:33:22,501
[laughter, applause]
885
00:33:24,403 --> 00:33:26,905
WHY DO I THINK
ALL YOUR PENISES
ARE THIS LONG?
886
00:33:27,005 --> 00:33:28,607
[laughter]
887
00:33:28,707 --> 00:33:30,509
I DON'T LIKE PORN.
WOMEN DO NOT LIKE PORN.
888
00:33:30,609 --> 00:33:32,578
WE'RE WAY TOO SENSITIVE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
889
00:33:32,678 --> 00:33:35,247
LIKE, WHEN I WATCH PORN,
I'M NOT LIKE INTO IT,
AND LIKE, "OH YEAH."
890
00:33:35,347 --> 00:33:38,350
I JUST GET VERY WORRIED
ABOUT THE WOMEN IN THE PORN.
891
00:33:38,450 --> 00:33:40,419
I START SPINNING OUT--
I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
892
00:33:40,519 --> 00:33:42,788
"SHE PROBABLY
DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE.
THIS IS NOT GOOD.
893
00:33:42,888 --> 00:33:45,157
SHE REALLY NEEDS
A BACKUP PLAN."
894
00:33:45,257 --> 00:33:47,493
[laughter, applause]
895
00:33:47,593 --> 00:33:49,995
BUT I THINK WOMEN
SHOULD WATCH PORN MORE,
896
00:33:50,096 --> 00:33:52,264
BECAUSE WOMEN--
IF YOU GUYS WATCH PORN, LADIES,
897
00:33:52,364 --> 00:33:54,100
YOU WOULD SEE WHERE YOUR MAN
898
00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:55,867
WAS GETTING ALL THOSE
STUPID FRICKIN' IDEAS.
899
00:33:55,967 --> 00:33:57,669
LIKE, LITERALLY
EVERY TIME I WATCH PORN,
900
00:33:57,769 --> 00:34:00,639
I'M LIKE, "OH, THAT'S WHY
HE MADE ME BUY ROLLER SKATES.
901
00:34:00,739 --> 00:34:03,875
OKAY, THAT'S WHY
THERE'S TWO POUNDS OF PUDDING
IN THE FRIDGE-- OKAY."
902
00:34:03,975 --> 00:34:05,544
[laughter]
903
00:34:05,644 --> 00:34:07,279
BUT WOMEN
ARE TOO SENSITIVE FOR THAT.
904
00:34:07,379 --> 00:34:08,847
LIKE, I DON'T LIKE PORN.
IT'S TOO GRAPHIC.
905
00:34:08,947 --> 00:34:10,549
LIKE, IF PORN
WAS MADE FOR WOMEN,
906
00:34:10,649 --> 00:34:14,120
IT WOULD JUST BE, LIKE,
TWO HOURS OF SNUGGLING...
907
00:34:14,220 --> 00:34:16,021
AND AT THE END,
THE GUY WOULD PROPOSE.
908
00:34:16,122 --> 00:34:18,090
[laughter]
909
00:34:18,190 --> 00:34:19,725
I WOULD WATCH THAT.
910
00:34:19,825 --> 00:34:22,027
I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THAT.
911
00:34:22,128 --> 00:34:23,695
I DON'T LIKE PORN.
912
00:34:23,795 --> 00:34:25,464
THE THING THAT CRACKS ME UP
THE MOST ABOUT PORN
913
00:34:25,564 --> 00:34:27,032
IS YOU GUYS DON'T THINK
WE KNOW YOU WATCH IT.
914
00:34:27,133 --> 00:34:29,000
IT IS SO OBVIOUS,
915
00:34:29,101 --> 00:34:30,836
ESPECIALLY IF YOU WATCH IT
ON THE COMPUTER,
916
00:34:30,936 --> 00:34:33,939
'CAUSE EITHER, NUMBER ONE,
YOU ERASE YOUR HISTORY...
917
00:34:34,039 --> 00:34:35,474
IN THE MENU BAR--
918
00:34:35,574 --> 00:34:37,409
AND I KNOW
YOU DID SOME CRAZY SHIT--
919
00:34:37,509 --> 00:34:38,877
[laughter]
920
00:34:38,977 --> 00:34:40,512
OR YOU DON'T ERASE
YOUR HISTORY,
921
00:34:40,612 --> 00:34:42,281
AND I TRY TO GO
TO Google.com,
922
00:34:42,381 --> 00:34:44,650
BUT IT GOES TO
GoodJigglyJugs.com...
923
00:34:44,750 --> 00:34:46,385
[laughter]
924
00:34:46,485 --> 00:34:49,155
DEAL WITH THAT AT 7:00 A.M.
925
00:34:49,255 --> 00:34:51,457
THE OTHER REASON
WE KNOW YOU GUYS WATCH PORN
926
00:34:51,557 --> 00:34:53,759
IS 'CAUSE YOU GUYS
WILL DO THINGS IN THE BEDROOM
927
00:34:53,859 --> 00:34:57,696
THAT YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY,
LIKE, COPYING FROM PORN,
928
00:34:57,796 --> 00:35:00,566
LIKE THE SPANKING THING.
929
00:35:00,666 --> 00:35:02,468
WHEN YOU GUYS DO THIS,
930
00:35:02,568 --> 00:35:04,936
WE'RE JUST
FRICKIN' LAUGHING AT YOU,
OKAY? I'M SORRY.
931
00:35:05,036 --> 00:35:06,305
WE'RE LIKE,
"YEAH, I'M A BAD GIRL.
932
00:35:06,405 --> 00:35:09,475
- "PFFFT!
- [laughter]
933
00:35:09,575 --> 00:35:12,043
- "WHAT AN IDIOT.
- [laughter continues]
934
00:35:12,144 --> 00:35:14,012
PLEASE DON'T FART.
PLEASE DON'T FART."
935
00:35:14,112 --> 00:35:16,282
[laughter, applause]
936
00:35:16,382 --> 00:35:19,451
[cheers, applause]
937
00:35:19,551 --> 00:35:21,320
THE NEW THING YOU GUYS
ARE DOING IN THE BEDROOM
938
00:35:21,420 --> 00:35:22,988
THAT I KNOW
YOU'RE COPYING FROM PORN
939
00:35:23,088 --> 00:35:24,623
IS THE CHOKING THING.
940
00:35:24,723 --> 00:35:26,057
(woman) OH!
941
00:35:26,158 --> 00:35:27,693
YOU ALWAYS KNOW
WHO'S BEEN CHOKED.
942
00:35:27,793 --> 00:35:30,529
[laughter, cheers, applause]
943
00:35:31,963 --> 00:35:33,565
IT'S LIKE,
944
00:35:33,665 --> 00:35:35,767
I DIDN'T KNOW
THE CHOKING THING WAS GOING ON.
945
00:35:35,867 --> 00:35:38,504
IMAGINE MY SURPRISE...
946
00:35:38,604 --> 00:35:40,606
THE FIRST TIME THAT WENT DOWN,
I WAS LIKE,
947
00:35:40,706 --> 00:35:43,475
"UGH. I DON'T KNOW
WHERE HE PUT THE MONEY."
948
00:35:43,575 --> 00:35:46,312
[laughter]
949
00:35:48,914 --> 00:35:51,417
THE FUNNY THING TO ME
ABOUT THE CHOKING THING
950
00:35:51,517 --> 00:35:53,852
IS IT'S THE ONLY FAKE, LIKE,
"I'M GONNA KILL YOU"
951
00:35:53,952 --> 00:35:56,588
THING YOU CAN DO
IN THE BEDROOM
THAT'S ACTUALLY SEXY.
952
00:35:56,688 --> 00:35:59,258
LIKE, YOU CAN'T MIME ANY OTHER
KILLING TACTICS IN THE BEDROOM.
953
00:35:59,358 --> 00:36:01,393
IT'S NOT LIKE
954
00:36:01,493 --> 00:36:03,329
A NAKED GUY CAN COME OUT
OF THE BATHROOM AND BE LIKE...
955
00:36:03,429 --> 00:36:06,198
[imitating Jaws theme]
* DA NA
956
00:36:06,298 --> 00:36:08,800
* DA-NA DA-NA
DA-NA DA-NA *
957
00:36:08,900 --> 00:36:10,736
[laughter, applause]
958
00:36:12,938 --> 00:36:14,573
GUYS ARE
INTO THE CHOKING THING.
959
00:36:14,673 --> 00:36:16,542
SO NOW WHEN A GUY TRIES
TO CHOKE ME IN THE BEDROOM,
960
00:36:16,642 --> 00:36:18,143
I'LL JUST GO ALONG WITH IT.
I'LL BE LIKE,
961
00:36:18,244 --> 00:36:19,778
"OOH-AH!
962
00:36:19,878 --> 00:36:21,747
[laughter]
963
00:36:21,847 --> 00:36:24,316
"UH-AHH-AHH!
964
00:36:24,416 --> 00:36:26,952
UUUUUAAAAAA..."
965
00:36:27,052 --> 00:36:29,120
YOU GOTTA SELL IT!
966
00:36:29,221 --> 00:36:31,790
[laughter, applause]
967
00:36:31,890 --> 00:36:33,659
I USED TO WORRY ABOUT PORN.
968
00:36:33,759 --> 00:36:35,727
I USED TO BE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,
MY MAN'S WATCHING PORN."
969
00:36:35,827 --> 00:36:38,163
YOU KNOW, "HE DOESN'T LOVE ME,
OR HE'S NOT ATTRACTED TO ME."
970
00:36:38,264 --> 00:36:40,031
PORN IS NOT A THREAT
TO OUR RELATIONSHIPS.
971
00:36:40,131 --> 00:36:41,367
I LIKE TO THINK
ABOUT IT LIKE THIS--
972
00:36:41,467 --> 00:36:43,435
GUYS WATCHING PORN
973
00:36:43,535 --> 00:36:46,638
IS LIKE WOMEN WATCHING
THE FOOD NETWORK.
974
00:36:46,738 --> 00:36:49,808
'KAY, WE'RE BOTH WATCHING THINGS
WE ARE NEVER GONNA FRIGGIN' DO.
975
00:36:49,908 --> 00:36:51,910
[laughter, applause]
976
00:36:53,812 --> 00:36:55,847
WOMEN HAVE OUR OWN VERSION
OF PORN, RIGHT?
977
00:36:55,947 --> 00:36:57,716
OUR VERSION OF PORN
IS ROMANTIC COMEDIES, RIGHT?
978
00:36:57,816 --> 00:36:59,985
WE COMPARE YOU GUYS TO THE MEN
IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES
979
00:37:00,085 --> 00:37:02,254
JUST LIKE YOU COMPARE US
TO THE WOMEN IN PORN, RIGHT?
980
00:37:02,354 --> 00:37:04,323
YOU GUYS TAKE US OUT
TO A FIVE-STAR RESTAURANT
981
00:37:04,423 --> 00:37:06,024
WITH SHRIMP AND CHAMPAGNE--
IN OUR MINDS WE'RE LIKE,
982
00:37:06,124 --> 00:37:07,959
"YEAH, WELL,
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
TOOK HIS GIRLFRIEND
983
00:37:08,059 --> 00:37:09,828
"INTO A HOT-AIR BALLOON
AND GOT HER A DIAMOND NECKLACE
984
00:37:09,928 --> 00:37:12,431
AND A PANDA--
THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT!"
985
00:37:12,531 --> 00:37:14,766
ROMANTIC COMEDIES--
THEY BRAINWASH WOMEN.
986
00:37:14,866 --> 00:37:17,369
THEY MAKE US BELIEVE IN, LIKE,
"FATE" AND "DESTINY."
987
00:37:17,469 --> 00:37:19,871
FATE AND DESTINY
ARE NAMES OF STRIPPERS, OKAY?
988
00:37:19,971 --> 00:37:21,707
THEY'RE NOT REAL...
989
00:37:21,807 --> 00:37:24,443
[laughter, applause]
990
00:37:24,543 --> 00:37:27,012
IT'S WEIRD, THOUGH,
BECAUSE ROMANTIC COMEDIES
991
00:37:27,112 --> 00:37:29,315
SET THE BAR SO HIGH
FOR YOU GUYS,
992
00:37:29,415 --> 00:37:31,182
BUT WHAT'S WEIRD
IS THAT GUYS ARE THE ONES
993
00:37:31,283 --> 00:37:33,319
THAT WRITE
ALL THE ROMANTIC COMEDIES.
GUYS RUN HOLLYWOOD.
994
00:37:33,419 --> 00:37:35,220
IF WOMEN RAN HOLLYWOOD,
THE ROMANTIC COMEDIES WOULD BE
995
00:37:35,321 --> 00:37:37,022
A LOT MORE REALISTIC,
SO THERE'D BE
996
00:37:37,122 --> 00:37:39,057
A LOT LESS DISAPPOINTMENT
WHEN YOU LEFT THE THEATER.
997
00:37:39,157 --> 00:37:41,693
NO MORE FRIGGIN' MODELS BEING
CAST AS THE LEAD OF EVERY MOVIE.
998
00:37:41,793 --> 00:37:43,595
LEAD OF EVERY MOVIE
IF WOMEN RAN HOLLYWOOD?
999
00:37:43,695 --> 00:37:46,097
KATHY FREAKIN' BATES, BITCH.
1000
00:37:46,197 --> 00:37:48,199
ANGELINA JOLIE
WOULD NEVER WORK AGAIN.
1001
00:37:48,300 --> 00:37:50,235
I DON'T CARE.
CAMBODIA CAN FUCKING HAVE HER.
1002
00:37:50,336 --> 00:37:52,871
- FUCK HER.
- [laughter]
1003
00:37:52,971 --> 00:37:56,207
[cheers, applause]
1004
00:37:56,308 --> 00:37:59,945
OUR NEW SEXY ACTION STAR--
OPRAH. BAM!
1005
00:38:00,045 --> 00:38:02,714
SHE BLOWS SOME SHIT UP
AND EVERYONE GETS A CAR.
1006
00:38:02,814 --> 00:38:04,516
[laughter]
1007
00:38:04,616 --> 00:38:06,485
- I WOULD SEE THAT MOVIE.
- [laughter continues]
1008
00:38:06,585 --> 00:38:08,387
IT'S FUNNY, THOUGH,
'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE
1009
00:38:08,487 --> 00:38:10,422
ROMANTIC COMEDIES SET THE BAR
SO HIGH FOR YOU GUYS.
1010
00:38:10,522 --> 00:38:12,424
WE WANT YOU GUYS TO ACT LIKE
THE MEN IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES,
1011
00:38:12,524 --> 00:38:14,192
BUT IF YOU EVER DID ACT LIKE
THE MEN IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES,
1012
00:38:14,292 --> 00:38:15,627
IT WOULD TOTALLY
BACKFIRE, RIGHT?
1013
00:38:15,727 --> 00:38:17,929
LIKE CARRYING A WOMAN
UP THE STAIRS.
1014
00:38:18,029 --> 00:38:19,798
"I'M GONNA CARRY
MY WOMAN UP THE STAIRS AND
SWEEP HER OFF HER FEET."
1015
00:38:19,898 --> 00:38:21,867
IF YOU GUYS TRY TO DO THAT
IN REAL LIFE,
1016
00:38:21,967 --> 00:38:25,036
YOU BETTER MAKE SURE YOU DON'T
SO MUCH AS FREAKIN' WINCE.
1017
00:38:25,136 --> 00:38:27,305
[laughter]
1018
00:38:27,406 --> 00:38:29,975
YOU BETTER GO TO THE GYM.
1019
00:38:30,075 --> 00:38:32,644
YOU MAKE SURE YOU CAN
LIFT HER WEIGHT, BITCHES...
1020
00:38:32,744 --> 00:38:34,112
[laughter]
1021
00:38:34,212 --> 00:38:35,347
'CAUSE IF THERE IS LIKE A...
1022
00:38:35,447 --> 00:38:38,417
[grunting]
1023
00:38:38,517 --> 00:38:40,018
YOU ARE SO FUCKED.
1024
00:38:40,118 --> 00:38:41,820
[laughter]
1025
00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:44,390
JUST KILL YOURSELF.
LIKE, IT'S NOT EVEN WORTH IT.
1026
00:38:44,490 --> 00:38:46,858
"OH, WHAT, I'M FAT?
IS THAT IT, I'M FAT?
1027
00:38:46,958 --> 00:38:49,461
"GEORGE CLOONEY COULD'VE
CARRIED ME UP THE STAIRS.
1028
00:38:49,561 --> 00:38:52,464
"RUBEN STUDDARD COULD'VE
CARRIED ME UP THE STAIRS.
1029
00:38:52,564 --> 00:38:54,366
YOU HAVE A SMALL DICK!"
1030
00:38:54,466 --> 00:38:57,569
[laughter, applause]
1031
00:38:57,669 --> 00:38:59,671
ANOTHER THING I FEEL LIKE
GUYS ARE ALWAYS DOING
1032
00:38:59,771 --> 00:39:01,607
IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES THAT WOULD
NEVER FLY IN REAL LIFE
1033
00:39:01,707 --> 00:39:03,842
IS GUYS ARE ALWAYS
LIGHTING CANDLES TO BE ROMANTIC.
1034
00:39:03,942 --> 00:39:06,244
NO. WOMEN ARE OBSESSED
WITH CANDLES.
1035
00:39:06,344 --> 00:39:07,879
WE'RE LIKE PYROMANIACS, RIGHT?
1036
00:39:07,979 --> 00:39:10,215
YOU GUYS COME OVER.
WE HAVE CANDLES EVERYWHERE.
1037
00:39:10,315 --> 00:39:13,685
YOU DON'T KNOW IF
WE'RE GONNA HAVE SEX WITH YOU
OR SACRIFICE YOU, RIGHT?
1038
00:39:13,785 --> 00:39:15,754
BUT, GUYS,
YOU CANNOT LIGHT CANDLES.
1039
00:39:15,854 --> 00:39:17,923
IF I GO TO A GUY'S HOUSE
AND HE'S GOT CANDLES EVERYWHERE,
1040
00:39:18,023 --> 00:39:20,559
I DON'T THINK YOU'RE "ROMANTIC."
I THINK YOU TOOK A "DUMP," OKAY?
1041
00:39:20,659 --> 00:39:22,394
[laughter, applause]
1042
00:39:22,494 --> 00:39:24,062
WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
1043
00:39:24,162 --> 00:39:26,197
STOP-- EHH--
1044
00:39:26,297 --> 00:39:28,834
TRYIN' TO "GLADE"
YOUR WAY OUT OF THAT...
1045
00:39:28,934 --> 00:39:30,502
CHIPOTLE-- JUST STOP.
1046
00:39:30,602 --> 00:39:32,337
[laughter, applause]
1047
00:39:32,438 --> 00:39:33,839
THE OTHER THING GUYS DO
IN ROMANTIC COMEDIES
1048
00:39:33,939 --> 00:39:36,241
THAT WOULD NEVER FLY
IN REAL LIFE
1049
00:39:36,341 --> 00:39:38,977
IS GUYS ARE ALWAYS,
LIKE, SHOWING UP UNANNOUNCED.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
1050
00:39:39,077 --> 00:39:41,312
LIKE, I WAS WATCHING ONE,
WHERE THIS WOMAN WAS LIKE,
GARDENING OR SOMETHING
1051
00:39:41,413 --> 00:39:43,482
AND THE GUY WAS
LIKE, STANDING THERE,
1052
00:39:43,582 --> 00:39:45,917
AND SHE TURNS AROUND,
SHE'S LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,
WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?"
1053
00:39:46,017 --> 00:39:47,853
AND THE GUY WAS LIKE,
"I JUST HAD TO SEE YOU."
1054
00:39:47,953 --> 00:39:49,254
FIRST OF ALL, IT'S 2010.
1055
00:39:49,354 --> 00:39:50,989
YOU CAN SEND
A FUCKING TEXT, OKAY?
1056
00:39:51,089 --> 00:39:53,324
STOP BEING A CREEPY STALKER.
IT'S WEIRD.
1057
00:39:53,425 --> 00:39:56,462
SECOND OF ALL, WOMEN, WE DO NOT
LIKE BEING SNUCK UP ON, OKAY?
1058
00:39:56,562 --> 00:39:58,464
I NEED A LOT OF TIME
BEFORE I SEE MY MAN.
1059
00:39:58,564 --> 00:40:00,165
A LOT OF THINGS
NEED TO GO DOWN
1060
00:40:00,265 --> 00:40:01,733
BEFORE I SEE MY MAN.
1061
00:40:01,833 --> 00:40:03,401
I DON'T WANT ANY SURPRISES,
ALL RIGHT?
1062
00:40:03,502 --> 00:40:04,970
I GOT TO GET
THE BABY WIPES OUT...
1063
00:40:05,070 --> 00:40:07,038
[laughter]
1064
00:40:07,138 --> 00:40:09,508
[laughter, applause]
1065
00:40:09,608 --> 00:40:11,577
I GOT TO GET
SOME UNDER-EYE CONCEALER
1066
00:40:11,677 --> 00:40:13,244
SO I DON'T LOOK LIKE
AN AVATAR.
1067
00:40:13,344 --> 00:40:15,180
A LOT OF THINGS
HAVE TO GO DOWN, OKAY?
1068
00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:17,015
BUT IT'S SO CRAZY,
'CAUSE WOMEN,
1069
00:40:17,115 --> 00:40:19,250
WE PUT SO MUCH EFFORT
INTO GETTING READY--
1070
00:40:19,350 --> 00:40:21,252
HOURS BEFORE WE LEAVE
THE HOUSE, RIGHT?
1071
00:40:21,352 --> 00:40:23,388
HAIR AND MAKEUP
AND SHAVING AND TWEEZING
1072
00:40:23,489 --> 00:40:25,390
AND PLUCKING AND EYELINER--
WHICH IS RIDICULOUS,
1073
00:40:25,491 --> 00:40:27,358
'CAUSE WOMEN ARE
NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL, RIGHT?
1074
00:40:27,459 --> 00:40:29,427
YOU GUYS DON'T NEED ANY MAKEUP.
WOMEN WAKE UP IN THE MORNING
1075
00:40:29,528 --> 00:40:31,463
AND ARE
NATURALLY BEAUTIFUL, PERIOD.
1076
00:40:31,563 --> 00:40:33,965
YOU GUYS
ARE FUCKING DISGUSTING...
1077
00:40:34,065 --> 00:40:35,467
[laughter, applause]
1078
00:40:35,567 --> 00:40:37,235
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO
ANYTHING.
1079
00:40:37,335 --> 00:40:38,837
YOU JUST ROLL OUT OF BED
WITH THOSE BALLS.
1080
00:40:38,937 --> 00:40:40,906
- HOW DARE YOU?
- [laughter, cheers, applause]
1081
00:40:41,006 --> 00:40:44,676
THEY ARE SO AWFUL.
THEY'RE EMBARRASSING.
1082
00:40:44,776 --> 00:40:47,078
THAT'S WHAT NEEDS THREE HOURS
OF MAKEUP, RIGHT THERE--
1083
00:40:47,178 --> 00:40:50,181
- [laughter, applause]
- SOME CONCEALER, YEAH.
1084
00:40:50,281 --> 00:40:52,217
MAYBE A HOT IRON TO...
1085
00:40:52,317 --> 00:40:54,119
IRON OUT THOSE WRINKLES,
PLEASE.
1086
00:40:54,219 --> 00:40:56,655
[laughter, applause]
1087
00:40:56,755 --> 00:40:59,024
BUT THE ONE THING
YOU GUYS DO HAVE TO DO--
1088
00:40:59,124 --> 00:41:01,092
LIKE, SHAVE YOUR FACE--
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO DO IT.
1089
00:41:01,192 --> 00:41:03,294
IF YOU GUYS DON'T SHAVE,
IT'S SEXY-- IT'S DISTINGUISHED.
1090
00:41:03,394 --> 00:41:04,930
IF WE DON'T SHAVE,
"WE'RE LESBIANS."
1091
00:41:05,030 --> 00:41:07,398
- THAT'S HOW THAT GOES DOWN.
- [laughter]
1092
00:41:07,499 --> 00:41:09,100
WOMEN--
WE TORTURE OURSELVES, RIGHT?
1093
00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:10,702
AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT,
1094
00:41:10,802 --> 00:41:12,671
WOMEN ARE WEARING
SO MANY TORTURE DEVICES.
1095
00:41:12,771 --> 00:41:14,806
LIKE, THONG UNDERWEAR--
WHO INVENTED THAT?
1096
00:41:14,906 --> 00:41:16,241
FUCK YOU.
1097
00:41:16,341 --> 00:41:18,043
[women cheering]
1098
00:41:18,143 --> 00:41:20,078
IT IS TERRIBLE.
1099
00:41:20,178 --> 00:41:23,314
LIKE, YOU KNOW A WOMAN
DID NOT INVENT THONG UNDERWEAR,
1100
00:41:23,414 --> 00:41:25,316
'CAUSE NO WOMAN
WAS EVER STANDING AROUND
1101
00:41:25,416 --> 00:41:27,452
IN FULL UNDERWEAR
AND WAS LIKE,
1102
00:41:27,553 --> 00:41:29,988
"YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE
SO MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE?
1103
00:41:30,088 --> 00:41:31,489
[laughing]
1104
00:41:31,590 --> 00:41:34,225
"IF ALL OF THIS FABRIC...
1105
00:41:34,325 --> 00:41:38,063
[laughter]
1106
00:41:38,163 --> 00:41:39,998
"WAS JUST...
1107
00:41:40,098 --> 00:41:43,501
"LIKE, VIOLENTLY...
1108
00:41:43,602 --> 00:41:46,805
"RIDING UP MY ASSHOLE.
1109
00:41:46,905 --> 00:41:49,007
"IS THERE A WAY
YOU CAN GET ALL THIS FABRIC
1110
00:41:49,107 --> 00:41:51,242
"TO JUST TRY
TO RAPE MY BUTT HOLE?
1111
00:41:51,342 --> 00:41:52,644
"IS THAT...?
1112
00:41:52,744 --> 00:41:54,279
[laughter, cheering]
1113
00:41:54,379 --> 00:41:55,814
"I WANT IT JUST TO FEEL LIKE
1114
00:41:55,914 --> 00:41:58,750
"A RUBBER BAND
IS SNAPPING...
1115
00:41:58,850 --> 00:42:00,686
"I WANT IT TO FEEL LIKE
AN ALLIGATOR IS ACTUALLY
1116
00:42:00,786 --> 00:42:02,387
EATING ME OUT--
CAN YOU DO THAT?"
1117
00:42:02,487 --> 00:42:04,923
[laughter, applause]
1118
00:42:05,023 --> 00:42:06,925
WHAT IS THE POINT
OF THONG UNDERWEAR?
1119
00:42:07,025 --> 00:42:09,628
THE POINT
IS SO THAT WE DON'T HAVE
PANTY LINES.
1120
00:42:09,728 --> 00:42:11,697
FOR WHAT? YOU THINK
IN THE HISTORY OF TIME
1121
00:42:11,797 --> 00:42:13,665
ANY GUY
WAS EVER STANDING AROUND,
1122
00:42:13,765 --> 00:42:16,467
LIKE, AT A NIGHTCLUB BAR
WITH HIS BUDDY AND WAS LIKE--
1123
00:42:16,568 --> 00:42:19,037
THIS IS MY BUDDY,
BY THE WAY-- UM...
1124
00:42:19,137 --> 00:42:21,272
HE WAS LIKE, "HEY, DUDE,
CHECK OUT THAT GIRL.
1125
00:42:21,372 --> 00:42:22,874
"OH, MY GOD, SHE IS SO HOT.
1126
00:42:22,974 --> 00:42:24,943
"SHE'S SO SEXY.
I'VE GOT TO TALK TO HER.
1127
00:42:25,043 --> 00:42:27,312
ALL RIGHT,
I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HER.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."
1128
00:42:27,412 --> 00:42:30,115
[laughter]
1129
00:42:30,215 --> 00:42:31,683
"DUDE, DUDE...
1130
00:42:31,783 --> 00:42:34,119
"WHAT ARE THOSE LINES?
1131
00:42:34,219 --> 00:42:36,087
[laughter]
1132
00:42:36,187 --> 00:42:38,456
OH, MY GOD, NEVER MIND.
THAT'S DISGUSTING."
1133
00:42:38,556 --> 00:42:40,125
- [laughter]
- IT'S RIDICULOUS.
1134
00:42:40,225 --> 00:42:42,027
AND MOST OF THESE
TORTURE DEVICES MEN INVENTED.
1135
00:42:42,127 --> 00:42:43,729
YOU KNOW GUYS INVENTED
HIGH-HEEL SHOES.
1136
00:42:43,829 --> 00:42:45,731
THAT WAS A GUY'S INVENTION,
1137
00:42:45,831 --> 00:42:47,498
WHICH I HAVE A THEORY
ABOUT THIS.
1138
00:42:47,599 --> 00:42:49,400
I HAVE A THEORY
THAT, LIKE, 200 YEARS AGO,
1139
00:42:49,500 --> 00:42:51,803
WOMEN WERE WEARING FLAT SHOES
GETTING WHERE THEY NEEDED TO GO.
1140
00:42:51,903 --> 00:42:53,772
A BUNCH OF GUYS GOT IN A ROOM,
AND THEY WERE LIKE,
1141
00:42:53,872 --> 00:42:55,907
"GOD, THESE WOMEN,
THEY ARE GORGEOUS.
1142
00:42:56,007 --> 00:42:57,508
"THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL.
THE ONLY PROBLEM IS
1143
00:42:57,609 --> 00:42:59,678
"THEY ARE REALLY HARD
TO HAVE SEX WITH.
1144
00:42:59,778 --> 00:43:01,647
"I MEAN,
THEY CAN JUST GET UP
1145
00:43:01,747 --> 00:43:03,949
- "AND WALK AWAY.
- [laughter]
1146
00:43:04,049 --> 00:43:05,884
"WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING
TO JUST SLOW 'EM DOWN.
1147
00:43:05,984 --> 00:43:07,986
"WHAT IF WE JUST PUT,
LIKE, A FOUR-INCH BRICK
1148
00:43:08,086 --> 00:43:10,188
ON THE BACK OF THEIR FOOT?
YOU THINK THEY'D DO THAT?"
1149
00:43:10,288 --> 00:43:11,923
AND IT WORKS,
'CAUSE I'VE TALKED TO GUYS
1150
00:43:12,023 --> 00:43:13,925
EXTRA HOURS LONGER
THAN I WANTED TO
1151
00:43:14,025 --> 00:43:15,961
'CAUSE MY FEET
WERE FRICKIN' KILLING ME.
1152
00:43:16,061 --> 00:43:17,963
I'VE GOTTEN TO THE POINT
WHERE I'M JUST LIKE, "DUDE,
1153
00:43:18,063 --> 00:43:20,231
"CAN I JUST HAVE
THAT ROOFIE NOW,
'CAUSE MY FEET...
1154
00:43:20,331 --> 00:43:21,566
"I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING.
1155
00:43:21,667 --> 00:43:23,869
PLEASE."
1156
00:43:23,969 --> 00:43:26,137
THOSE HEELS-- YOU KNOW THEY
CALL THOSE REALLY HIGH HEELS--
1157
00:43:26,237 --> 00:43:28,674
THEY CALL THEM "FUCK-ME HEELS."
THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL THEM.
1158
00:43:28,774 --> 00:43:30,375
'CAUSE WHEN YOU PUT 'EM ON,
YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, FUCK ME.
1159
00:43:30,475 --> 00:43:31,810
REALLY?
WE'RE DOING THIS AGAIN?"
1160
00:43:31,910 --> 00:43:33,712
I DON'T LIKE TO WEAR
FUCK-ME HEELS.
1161
00:43:33,812 --> 00:43:35,380
I LIKE TO WEAR...
1162
00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:37,916
"LET'S JUST BE FRIENDS"
SNEAKERS.
1163
00:43:38,016 --> 00:43:40,886
[laughter, cheers, applause]
1164
00:43:43,388 --> 00:43:46,291
GUYS ALSO INVENTED
UNDERWIRE BRAS, WHICH AGAIN,
1165
00:43:46,391 --> 00:43:48,994
ONLY A GUY'S INSENSITIVE MIND
WOULD COME UP WITH THAT.
1166
00:43:49,094 --> 00:43:51,129
'CAUSE ONLY A GUY'S MIND
WOULD BE SO INSENSITIVE
1167
00:43:51,229 --> 00:43:53,699
THAT THEY
WOULD SEE A SOFT BRA
WITH A WOMAN'S BOOBS
1168
00:43:53,799 --> 00:43:55,767
AND WAS LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT THAT THING NEEDS?
1169
00:43:55,867 --> 00:43:58,970
I THINK THAT NEEDS
A SKEWER RIGHT THROUGH..."
1170
00:43:59,070 --> 00:44:01,272
IT'S NOT A KABOB.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
1171
00:44:01,372 --> 00:44:03,008
THIS ISN'T FUCKING FIGHT CLUB.
1172
00:44:03,108 --> 00:44:05,010
WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR HEAD?
1173
00:44:05,110 --> 00:44:07,412
AND THEN IN THE '70s
WOMEN STARTED GETTING PISSED OFF
1174
00:44:07,512 --> 00:44:08,980
'CAUSE THEY
HURT SO MUCH, RIGHT?
1175
00:44:09,080 --> 00:44:10,716
AND THEN WOMEN
STARTED BURNING THEIR BRAS.
1176
00:44:10,816 --> 00:44:13,318
AND THEN GUYS
INVENTED WATER BRAS...
1177
00:44:13,418 --> 00:44:15,286
SO WE COULDN'T
BURN 'EM ANYMORE.
1178
00:44:15,386 --> 00:44:17,188
- [laughter]
- THAT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY SMART.
1179
00:44:17,288 --> 00:44:19,157
I GOTTA GIVE YOU
A GOLD STAR FOR THAT.
1180
00:44:19,257 --> 00:44:21,159
AND THEN THEY WERE LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT?
1181
00:44:21,259 --> 00:44:22,861
THESE WOMEN-- STILL,
THE BOOBS ARE NOT BIG ENOUGH."
1182
00:44:22,961 --> 00:44:24,529
AND THEN YOU GUYS
INVENTED BREAST IMPLANTS.
1183
00:44:24,629 --> 00:44:25,931
WHAT? THE NEXT STEP
WAS CUT 'EM OPEN
1184
00:44:26,031 --> 00:44:27,565
AND FILL THEM WITH JELL-O?
1185
00:44:27,665 --> 00:44:29,434
ARE YOU OUT OF
YOUR FUCKING MIND?
1186
00:44:29,534 --> 00:44:31,002
WOMEN, DO NOT GET
BREAST IMPLANTS.
1187
00:44:31,102 --> 00:44:34,305
DO NOT LET
SOCIETY'S IDEAL OF BEAUTY--
1188
00:44:34,405 --> 00:44:35,707
- [cheers, applause]
- YEAH...
1189
00:44:35,807 --> 00:44:37,342
MESS WITH YOUR SELF-WORTH.
1190
00:44:37,442 --> 00:44:39,911
DO NOT GET-- LOVE YOUR BODY,
FUCK THE MEDIA.
1191
00:44:40,011 --> 00:44:42,480
IT'S ALL PHOTOSHOP.
LOVE YOUR BODY-- YEAH.
1192
00:44:42,580 --> 00:44:44,182
SERIOUS NOTE
FROM WHITNEY CUMMINGS.
1193
00:44:44,282 --> 00:44:45,884
- UM...
- [laughter]
1194
00:44:45,984 --> 00:44:47,585
BUT YOU ALSO DON'T
WANNA GET BREAST IMPLANTS,
1195
00:44:47,685 --> 00:44:49,254
'CAUSE IF YOU GET
BREAST IMPLANTS,
1196
00:44:49,354 --> 00:44:51,356
YOU'RE JUST GONNA ATTRACT
THE WRONG KIND OF GUY.
1197
00:44:51,456 --> 00:44:53,124
EVERY GUY IN AN ED HARDY SHIRT
IS GONNA WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
1198
00:44:53,224 --> 00:44:55,460
- IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
- [laughter, applause]
1199
00:44:55,560 --> 00:44:57,562
EVERY GUY
IN A BLUETOOTH HEADSET
1200
00:44:57,662 --> 00:44:59,597
WITH FLAMES
ON THE SIDE OF HIS CAR,
1201
00:44:59,697 --> 00:45:01,767
STITCHING ON HIS JEANS...
1202
00:45:01,867 --> 00:45:04,269
- IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
- [laughter, applause]
1203
00:45:06,972 --> 00:45:08,673
SEE, I DON'T HAVE ANY BOOBS,
1204
00:45:08,774 --> 00:45:10,842
- AND MY LIFE IS QUIET.
- [laughter]
1205
00:45:10,942 --> 00:45:12,710
NO ONE TRIES TO TALK TO ME.
1206
00:45:12,811 --> 00:45:14,780
I CAN GO INTO A NIGHTCLUB.
NO ONE HARASSES ME.
1207
00:45:14,880 --> 00:45:16,815
NO ONE EVEN TRIES TO HUG ME.
THIS IS NO FUN.
1208
00:45:16,915 --> 00:45:18,616
NO ONE WANTS TO DO
THE STERNUM BUMP.
1209
00:45:18,716 --> 00:45:20,351
- IT'S NOT FUN.
- [laughter]
1210
00:45:20,451 --> 00:45:21,920
I WALK
BY A CONSTRUCTION SITE--
1211
00:45:22,020 --> 00:45:24,689
- SHOOOO...QUIET.
- [laughter]
1212
00:45:24,790 --> 00:45:26,191
EVERY NOW AND THEN
A CONSTRUCTION GUY'LL BE LIKE,
1213
00:45:26,291 --> 00:45:28,827
- "YO, WHAT'S UP, DUDE?"
- [laughter]
1214
00:45:28,927 --> 00:45:31,529
WHICH-- I DON'T GET THAT.
WHAT IS THE YELLING AT WOMEN?
1215
00:45:31,629 --> 00:45:33,231
WHAT IS THE--
YELLING AT STRANGERS?
1216
00:45:33,331 --> 00:45:35,100
WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT DOES THAT ACCOMPLISH?
1217
00:45:35,200 --> 00:45:36,902
LIKE, DO YOU THINK
IN THIS HISTORY OF TIME
1218
00:45:37,002 --> 00:45:40,238
FIVE DUDES
IN THE BACK OF A TRUCK
1219
00:45:40,338 --> 00:45:44,142
YELLING AT A GIRL JOGGING
HAS EVER WORKED?
1220
00:45:44,242 --> 00:45:46,812
DO YOU THINK
IN THE HISTORY OF TIME
ANY GIRL WAS EVER LIKE...
1221
00:45:46,912 --> 00:45:48,847
[breathing heavily]
1222
00:45:48,947 --> 00:45:51,049
AND HEARD, "AY-YI-YI-YI,
LET ME SEE THOSE TITTIES!"
1223
00:45:51,149 --> 00:45:54,285
[laughter]
1224
00:46:08,366 --> 00:46:10,168
LIKE, DO YOU THINK
IN THE HISTORY OF TIME
1225
00:46:10,268 --> 00:46:12,137
ANYONE EVER SAT DOWN
WITH A HAPPILY MARRIED COUPLE
1226
00:46:12,237 --> 00:46:14,572
AND WAS LIKE,
"HEY, SO HOW DID YOU TWO MEET?"
1227
00:46:14,672 --> 00:46:16,107
AND THE GIRL'S LIKE,
"WELL, UH,
1228
00:46:16,207 --> 00:46:18,243
"ONE MORNING I WAS JOGGING,
1229
00:46:18,343 --> 00:46:21,646
"AND THIS TRUCK
FULL OF FIVE DUDES DROVE BY.
1230
00:46:21,746 --> 00:46:23,114
"ONE OF THEM YELLED OUT,
1231
00:46:23,214 --> 00:46:25,350
"'I WANNA
PUT IT IN YOUR BUTT,'
1232
00:46:25,450 --> 00:46:26,818
[laughter]
1233
00:46:26,918 --> 00:46:28,719
AND I WAS LIKE,
'HE'S THE ONE.'"
1234
00:46:28,820 --> 00:46:30,922
[laughter, applause]
1235
00:46:31,022 --> 00:46:32,924
I LOVE YOU GUYS.
I'M WHITNEY CUMMINGS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
1236
00:46:33,024 --> 00:46:35,060
- [cheers and applause]
- THANK YOU!
1237
00:46:40,731 --> 00:46:43,068
WOW!
1238
00:46:43,168 --> 00:46:44,569
OH, WOW!
1239
00:46:44,669 --> 00:46:46,737
THANK YOU!
OH, GOD!
1240
00:46:46,838 --> 00:46:49,107
OH, WOW! THANK YOU!
OH, WOW! THANK YOU!
1241
00:46:49,207 --> 00:46:50,741
OH, WOW!
1242
00:46:50,842 --> 00:46:53,178
[cheers, whistles, applause]
1243
00:46:53,278 --> 00:46:54,679
THANK YOU.
1244
00:46:54,779 --> 00:46:56,581
[cheers, whistles, applause]
1245
00:46:56,681 --> 00:46:58,249
THANK YOU.
1246
00:47:06,657 --> 00:47:09,260
THANK YOU.
1247
00:47:09,360 --> 00:47:10,495
THANK YOU.
1248
00:48:11,856 --> 00:48:13,258
DEAD EYES
91792
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