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ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
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from the Barclay Theatre
in Irvine, California,
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00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:21,289
please welcome to the stage,
Whitney Cummings.
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( APPLAUSE AND CHEERS )
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( MUSIC PLAYING )
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- Love you.
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All bitches, come on!
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( APPLAUSE AND CHEERS )
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Thank you, guys, so much
for coming out tonight, man.
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It's so good to be doing
standup again.
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I took like
a couple of years off.
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I was making
a television show...
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( APPLAUSE AND CHEERS )
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You didn't fuckin' watch it!
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You did not watch it,
no you didn't.
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'Cause if you had watched it,
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I wouldn't fucking
be here right now.
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( LAUGHTER )
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No. I would be here.
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00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:23,251
This is my favorite thing
to do in the world.
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It is so good to be back
doing standup.
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The last couple years
were kind of...interesting.
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I think the most intense thing
that happened to me was
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I went through
a really painful breakup,
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but I'm glad it happened because
actually I learned a lot.
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I feel like, you know what,
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I figured out why
couples breakup.
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I think it's this--
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I think couples break up
because we're all operating
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under different definitions
of the word love.
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If you think about it,
we say this word to each other,
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and I think it just
makes us raise expectations.
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You know, I feel like
if we were all to just agree
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00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:55,916
on a universal definition
of the word love,
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we'd stop disappointing
each other so much, you know?
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00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:00,321
So to me,
my definition of love
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00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:05,193
is being willing to die
for someone...
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that you yourself
want to kill.
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00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:15,703
Which is kind of confusing--
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00:02:15,736 --> 00:02:18,071
like if someone
were to break into my house
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and hold up a gun
to the person I love,
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I would jump
in front of the gun.
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I'd go, "Wait, no, stop!
Let me do it!
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Dude, I am begging you!"
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( CHUCKLES )
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I also think
in this culture
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we express love
in a very twisted way.
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In this culture we show love
by giving each other presents--
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jewelry and trips and stuff--
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00:02:38,025 --> 00:02:38,992
and to me, that's not
what love's about.
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That's too easy, you know.
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For me love is about the way
you treat a person
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on a daily basis
when no one else is around.
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Little things, you know?
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Like if you love me,
for example,
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the second sex is over,
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if I was on top,
don't push me off you...
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...as quickly as possible...
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If you love me,
you will let me dismount
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with a little
fucking dignity.
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( APPLAUSE )
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You will let me dismount
like the swan that I am.
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Thank you, sir.
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Or, if you were on top,
by some fucking miracle...
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...don't use my body
as a pushing off point.
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...When you get off,
don't push off my face...
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to go check your phone.
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It's about respect.
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Love to me
is about respect.
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Little things, you know.
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If you love me and we're
taking a shower together,
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don't pee.
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Why is that so confusing?
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Don't-don't make me
stand in your piss...
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like a fucking asshole.
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Use your head.
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00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:07,948
You know, if you love me,
you'll think ahead.
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00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:09,783
Little things like
if you love me
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00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:11,952
and you buy me lingerie
as a gift,
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00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:18,426
don't buy me a small top
and a medium bottom.
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Okay? If you love me,
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00:04:21,028 --> 00:04:25,499
you will buy me a large top
and a small bottom,
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and I'll exchange that shit
on my own time.
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Love is just like
don't be stupid.
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You know, little things.
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Like if you love me,
let me wake up
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before you start
having sex with me.
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Can I get some gum?
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00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:42,450
Can you just give me a sec...
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00:04:42,483 --> 00:04:45,519
This isn't prison.
I'm going to say 'yes'.
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00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,891
Have a little faith
in yourself, you know?
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00:04:52,526 --> 00:04:53,761
I also think that phrase
"I love you" is tricky
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00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,863
because I think when you're in
a relationship for a long time,
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it starts to lose its value,
you know.
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It starts to deteriorate.
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00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:00,401
Like when you first say
I love you,
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it's such a big deal.
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00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:03,804
You know, you're like
( WHISPERS ) "I love you",
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but after awhile,
you're just like
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00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:08,041
( YELLING )
"Love you!"
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00:05:08,075 --> 00:05:09,142
Then after that,
you're just like,
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"You, too", and finally
you're just like "Fuck you!"
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Love is dangerous, you know.
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It's a very dangerous
thing we do.
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We give someone else
the ability to hurt us.
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At any moment you could
just get your heart broken,
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have your life
ruined just like that,
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00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,794
and I think that makes us all
a little tense.
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00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,396
I think we're all a little
on edge, you know.
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00:05:28,429 --> 00:05:31,098
Love is so insane
that when you hear about someone
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who's in love
who does a terrible thing,
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you side with them.
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Like when I hear about a woman
who killed her husband,
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the first thing I think
I'm like,
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00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:40,508
well, what the fuck
did he do?
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( SIGHS )
That poor woman!
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Love makes you
think about things
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you never thought
you'd do before, you know?
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Like getting married.
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00:05:49,983 --> 00:05:51,018
This last relationship I thought
I was going to get married.
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00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:52,152
For me, I never thought
I was going to get married
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00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,287
because I have all this divorce
in my family, you know,
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00:05:54,321 --> 00:05:56,724
but I also think that when
you get older as a woman,
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00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:58,959
marriage just becomes
a little more appealing
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because marriage
is set up for girls
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as an offer that you just
cannot refuse, you know?
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00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:05,733
If someone came up to me
on the street randomly
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00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:09,069
and marriage as an institution
did not exist,
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00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:11,739
and someone was just like,
"Excuse me ma'am.
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00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:15,976
Hi, um, would you be interested
in a beautiful diamond ring
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00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:19,079
and a bunch of parties
where your friends will buy you
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00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:22,583
whatever the fuck you want?"
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00:06:22,616 --> 00:06:24,752
And then you get to move
into somebody else's house
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00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:27,154
and get on their health
insurance plan...
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00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:28,989
And then
if they cheat on you,
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00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:32,960
you get half their shit,
no questions asked.
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Would you be
interested in that?
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00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:42,035
Yeah, man, yeah, yeah.
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00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:44,705
How do I get
all that shit?
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00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:47,875
Well, you just have to
have sex with the same man
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00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:50,110
for the rest of your life.
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00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:52,079
Ohhh.
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You know, fuck it.
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00:06:54,782 --> 00:06:56,249
I have Tylenol PM.
Let's do this shit.
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00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:57,685
Where do I sign up?
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00:06:57,718 --> 00:06:59,820
( GIGGLES )
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00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:01,021
It's not that we love you.
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00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:03,624
We just want shit, okay?
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00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:04,925
It's the same thing with sex.
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00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,326
Like we don't always
have sex with you guys
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00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:08,095
because we like
want that dick.
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00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:09,129
No!
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00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:18,005
No!
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00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:19,807
Okay? Half the time
I have sex with a guy,
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00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,408
it's because
it burns calories.
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00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:24,645
( APPLAUSE )
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00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:32,119
I'm like oh, God.
I had that lasagna today...
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00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:36,023
I don't have time to go
to the gym, so...
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00:07:36,056 --> 00:07:38,892
I should probably
just fuck this guy.
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00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:41,061
( SIGHS )
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00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:42,329
But I really go for it,
you know.
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00:07:42,362 --> 00:07:44,331
I wear a terrycloth headband
and ankle weights.
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00:07:44,364 --> 00:07:45,833
I get in there and...
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00:07:53,340 --> 00:07:55,242
In this last relationship,
I was going so insane
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00:07:55,275 --> 00:07:57,745
that I started doing research
to try to figure out
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00:07:57,778 --> 00:07:59,212
what goes on chemically
in your brain
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00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:00,280
when you're in love.
168
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:01,949
And I read this book called
"The Female Brain".
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00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:03,784
Has anyone read this book?
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00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:07,454
Ooh! One...dude?
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00:08:07,555 --> 00:08:08,922
All right, what you got
going on over here
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00:08:08,956 --> 00:08:11,759
considering the fact
that you're with a dude?
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00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:17,030
Why would you
need that book?
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00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:17,898
I respect that.
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00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:20,333
You just wanted to
get a head start,
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just kind of figure it out.
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00:08:22,202 --> 00:08:24,572
So you're just here alone?
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I respect that.
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00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:30,243
You're not going home alone--
that's for sure.
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00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:31,444
That book's amazing, right?
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00:08:31,478 --> 00:08:34,314
This book is all about the way
women's brains are wired,
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00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:35,315
and essentially it said
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00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:37,585
that we have like
millions of more emotions
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00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:40,320
and hormones and like
synapses that connect--
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00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,322
basically, it's a miracle
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00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:46,259
that we're not crying
all the fucking time--
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00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:47,227
which is a bummer
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00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:49,496
because I feel like guys
hate that, you know?
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00:08:49,597 --> 00:08:50,598
You know,
I feel like guys hate
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00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:52,900
that women are so emotional
and sensitive, right?
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00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:54,868
You guys think
women are crazy, right?
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00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:56,604
Yes? Okay.
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00:08:58,639 --> 00:08:59,840
All right.
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00:09:05,512 --> 00:09:08,515
You think
this is fun for me?
195
00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:11,118
You think I would ever
choose this for myself?
196
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:13,253
You think I enjoy crying
197
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:15,623
every time
Adele is on the radio?
198
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:18,425
That's embarrassing, okay.
199
00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:21,128
You think I enjoy Googling
your ex-girlfriend
200
00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:24,364
three hours a day?
201
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,667
You think I have
that kind of time?
202
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,268
You think I enjoy
trying to guess
203
00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:31,204
every one of your security
question answers?
204
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:36,076
Oh, shit! What street
did he grow up on?
205
00:09:38,178 --> 00:09:39,179
It's weird because
that's all I hear from guys
206
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:40,648
is that women are crazy.
207
00:09:40,648 --> 00:09:42,382
Women are so crazy.
But I have tons of girlfriends,
208
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,051
and I hang out
with my girlfriends alone
209
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,485
all the time,
and when guys aren't around,
210
00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:48,455
women are super cool,
rational, logical,
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00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:50,457
but then they start
dating some dude,
212
00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:52,059
and they lose their mind.
213
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,326
Women are not crazy--
214
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:57,064
you guys fucking
make us that way. Okay?
215
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,099
( APPLAUSE )
216
00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:02,002
I'm just sayin',
217
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:05,505
take your passwords
off your fucking phones.
218
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:11,211
It's just weird
because I feel like
219
00:10:11,244 --> 00:10:12,245
being crazy and sensitive--
220
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:14,214
like that doesn't have to be
a negative thing.
221
00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:15,482
I think that's kind of
an asset, you know?
222
00:10:15,515 --> 00:10:19,552
I think girls should be paranoid
and hypervigilant and emotional
223
00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:22,322
because we're responsible
for raising helpless babies.
224
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:24,057
Okay? We can't think
like you guys.
225
00:10:24,091 --> 00:10:27,160
We can't be
fucking sociopaths...
226
00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:30,430
or else babies
would just die...
227
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:33,701
all the time and our species
would be extinct.
228
00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:37,437
Like if we felt like you guys,
we would give birth to a baby,
229
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,039
you know, take it home
from the hospital
230
00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:41,341
if we even went
to the hospital...
231
00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:44,611
because I don't
need a doctor.
232
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,280
Then we would like put it
in the sink for a month.
233
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:49,582
Just throw Doritos on it,
234
00:10:49,616 --> 00:10:53,386
every now and then spray it
with Axe Body Spray...
235
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:54,321
And when we were done with it,
236
00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:55,288
we would just like
put it on Craig's List,
237
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:57,524
like, ah, I can get
a few bucks for that.
238
00:10:57,557 --> 00:10:59,727
( GIGGLES )
239
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:00,761
I feel like you guys think
240
00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:03,230
that we like choose
to be crazy, you know?
241
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:04,464
It's an act of choice.
242
00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:05,532
Like I feel like
you guys think
243
00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:07,768
that we wake up
on any given morning
244
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:11,638
and just decide we're
going to have a terrible day.
245
00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:12,639
I feel like you guys think
we wake up
246
00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:13,573
and we're like
oh my God,
247
00:11:13,606 --> 00:11:15,442
I'm going to have
such a good day today.
248
00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:17,444
I'm going to hang out
with my boyfriend,
249
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:20,748
we're going to go hang out,
see a movie--
250
00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:24,651
you know what?
251
00:11:24,752 --> 00:11:27,254
No.
252
00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:29,322
I have a better idea.
253
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:33,360
I'm going to wake up,
feel fat for two hours...
254
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:34,828
then get mad
at my boyfriend
255
00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:40,233
because he said good morning
in a weird tone...
256
00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:46,774
...then I'm going to break up
with him in my head...
257
00:11:46,774 --> 00:11:47,841
I'm not going to tell him
we broke up.
258
00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:48,942
It's none of his
fucking business
259
00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:52,379
whether we're
together or not.
260
00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:56,950
Then I'm going to go spend
$200 on jeans that don't fit...
261
00:11:56,984 --> 00:11:58,518
then I'm going to
go eat cucumbers
262
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:01,421
with barbecue sauce on them...
263
00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:02,622
then I'm going to
get mad at him again
264
00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:05,993
because he suggested we see
a Scarlett Johansson movie--
265
00:12:06,026 --> 00:12:09,462
what the fuck is that?
266
00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:11,398
Then I'm going to go
spend two hours online
267
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:13,466
looking at wedding dresses.
268
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:16,436
( GIGGLES )
269
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,671
Not a great day for us,
either, you know?
270
00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:22,275
I think it's funny that guys
are never called crazy
271
00:12:22,309 --> 00:12:25,345
because I feel like guys
do things that are like,
272
00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:26,346
crazy, you know?
273
00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:27,714
But guys are never called crazy.
274
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:29,582
Like, for a guy
to get called crazy,
275
00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:30,851
he's got to be like--
276
00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:33,486
he's got to be like
naked in an alley
277
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:39,359
jerking off
on a dead pigeon...
278
00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:44,364
singing bible hymns
like "Over the River"...
279
00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:51,671
But even then we're like,
oh my God, that guy is homeless.
280
00:12:51,704 --> 00:12:54,607
That is so sad.
281
00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:56,643
( SIGHS )
Do you have a dollar?
282
00:12:56,676 --> 00:12:58,278
Give him a dollar.
283
00:12:59,847 --> 00:13:01,548
But for a girl
to get called crazy,
284
00:13:01,581 --> 00:13:05,118
we just have to send you
two text messages in a row.
285
00:13:07,187 --> 00:13:09,522
She's fucking crazy, man.
286
00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:10,858
She's fucking
stalking me, bro.
287
00:13:10,891 --> 00:13:12,926
She's obsessed with me, man.
288
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,161
I'm like I don't know,
I'm not crazy.
289
00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:15,662
I'm just locked
out of the house.
290
00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:17,865
Can you let me
in the house?
291
00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:19,766
I'm not stalking you.
I live here.
292
00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:21,634
My house.
We live together.
293
00:13:21,668 --> 00:13:24,671
I'm not obsessed with you.
I hate you, so...
294
00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:27,174
Guys are never called crazy,
295
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:30,643
but I feel like guys do things
that are actually crazy.
296
00:13:30,677 --> 00:13:33,881
Like things that would
put you in an insane asylum.
297
00:13:33,881 --> 00:13:39,887
Like you guys will
talk to athletes in the TV.
298
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:44,925
You think they can
fucking hear you.
299
00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:47,760
That's literal
schizophrenia.
300
00:13:47,794 --> 00:13:51,631
That is a mental illness.
301
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,233
Like I was watching
some of my guy friends
302
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:54,034
a couple of months ago.
303
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:54,902
They were watching
a Giants game
304
00:13:54,935 --> 00:13:57,237
and they were talking
to Eli Manning.
305
00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:58,972
They were having a conversation
with this person.
306
00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:00,573
They were like,
Eli, listen to me.
307
00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:01,774
Eli, listen to me.
308
00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:03,010
We have been through this, bro.
309
00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:06,713
I'm like, bitch, you've not been
through shit with him, man.
310
00:14:06,746 --> 00:14:09,282
He cannot hear you,
and even if he could hear you,
311
00:14:09,316 --> 00:14:11,084
why would he take
advice from you?
312
00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:12,185
You can't even get
your Heinekens
313
00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:14,554
in the fucking garbage can.
314
00:14:16,589 --> 00:14:17,790
I feel like you guys
watching sports
315
00:14:17,824 --> 00:14:19,159
should give you a little more
sympathy for us
316
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:20,293
because now you know
what it's like
317
00:14:20,327 --> 00:14:23,563
to yell at a man and have him
completely ignore you.
318
00:14:23,596 --> 00:14:26,599
( APPLAUSE )
319
00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:30,938
Every day is Sunday for us.
320
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:34,341
You guys say
the meanest things
321
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:36,309
to these athletes,
the meanest things.
322
00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:37,844
Like they were watching
Tom Brady
323
00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:40,180
and they were like
Tom Brady, you suck.
324
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:41,781
Tom Brady sucks.
325
00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:42,983
I don't know that much
about football,
326
00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:46,286
but I'm pretty sure Tom Brady
doesn't suck at football.
327
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:47,220
I'm pretty sure you suck.
328
00:14:47,254 --> 00:14:49,789
I'm pretty sure
all you suck at football.
329
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:55,128
I just wish these athletes
would stand up for themselves,
330
00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:57,197
you know, against these
horrible things you say.
331
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:58,431
I wish just one time
332
00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:00,767
Tom Brady would look directly
into the camera and be like,
333
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,770
"Hey man, fuck you,
I got this...
334
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:07,374
"I make
20 million dollars a year
335
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:10,277
"and you can't even do
a fucking sit-up...
336
00:15:12,779 --> 00:15:14,747
Get off my dick, man."
337
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:20,320
That's where you guys
get delusional about sports.
338
00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:22,855
Like I feel if we get delusional
about like relationship stuff,
339
00:15:22,889 --> 00:15:25,192
but sports is where you guys
kind of lose your mind.
340
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:26,726
Like I have this guy friend
who--
341
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:30,030
he carries a football around
in his car...
342
00:15:31,831 --> 00:15:33,033
...like bitch, you're 50.
343
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:36,336
No one wants to play
football with you.
344
00:15:36,369 --> 00:15:38,871
Like to him it's like--
345
00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:41,008
like it's not over yet,
you know.
346
00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:44,311
Like in his mind
he's going to get a call...
347
00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:49,116
Like any minute
he's getting a phone call.
348
00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:51,018
If the coach of the Giants
doesn't call him like,
349
00:15:51,018 --> 00:15:52,419
"Hey, man.
350
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:55,155
"Eli's hurt...
351
00:15:55,188 --> 00:15:57,390
You still got that football
in your car?"
352
00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:04,164
I'm trying to kind of
take responsibility
353
00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:06,333
for my part in being crazy,
you know?
354
00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:08,068
I'm trying to be more mature
in relationships,
355
00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:09,502
and I don't think
that it's just women
356
00:16:09,536 --> 00:16:12,039
who are biologically fixed
to be crazy--
357
00:16:12,039 --> 00:16:12,839
I don't think that's it.
358
00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:14,907
I think there's a lot of
socialization
359
00:16:14,941 --> 00:16:16,043
that messes us up, too.
360
00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:18,845
Like I realize I have
incredibly high expectations
361
00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:20,913
for romance, and I don't even
know where they come from.
362
00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:23,383
Like I realized recently
when I get off a plane,
363
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,618
I fully expect the guy
that I'm dating
364
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:30,857
to be waiting for me
at the airport, surprising me.
365
00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:33,860
What shitty movie
did we see...
366
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:34,894
You know what?
367
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:36,429
I actually--I think
it was Crocodile Dundee--
368
00:16:36,463 --> 00:16:37,630
I swear to God.
369
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,599
Remember in the '90s
all those guys were like
370
00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:41,234
just rushing
to the airport?
371
00:16:41,268 --> 00:16:42,369
Because as an adult,
372
00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:44,504
today, I will fully
get off a plane.
373
00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:46,606
I will go on the escalator
and I will be like...
374
00:17:00,287 --> 00:17:03,356
( HEAVY BREATHING )
375
00:17:06,226 --> 00:17:07,960
( SIGHS )
Fucking asshole.
376
00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:09,296
( GIGGLES )
377
00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:12,099
Which is so unfair
to you guys, you know?
378
00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:13,100
Because if you guys
were to actually do that,
379
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:14,467
it would be
a complete disaster.
380
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:16,603
If the guy I was dating
showed up at the airport
381
00:17:16,636 --> 00:17:19,272
when I got off the plane,
all tired and sticky and shit,
382
00:17:19,306 --> 00:17:23,176
I'd be like, dude,
what the fuck are you doing?
383
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:24,444
He'd be like oh,
I just, you know,
384
00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:25,345
wanted to come surprise you
at the airport.
385
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:27,114
I'd be like,
you drove to the airport?
386
00:17:27,114 --> 00:17:28,014
I drove to the airport.
387
00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:31,518
Now we have two cars
at the fucking airport!
388
00:17:35,622 --> 00:17:37,724
What lot are you in?
389
00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:38,558
You're in lot B?
390
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:41,194
We have to take a bus
to your lot?
391
00:17:41,228 --> 00:17:43,996
Oh, you piece of shit!
392
00:17:45,532 --> 00:17:46,366
That's crazy, you know,
393
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:47,600
but I think there are
a lot of things
394
00:17:47,634 --> 00:17:51,138
that contribute to us being
a little irritable, you know?
395
00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:52,739
I think that part of girls
being crazy
396
00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:55,508
is the fact that being a female
is just so frustrating.
397
00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:57,577
Like there's so much work
we have to do,
398
00:17:57,610 --> 00:17:59,379
there's so much maintenance
that goes into it,
399
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:01,414
and most of what we do
is to make you guys think
400
00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:03,416
we're attractive,
so we're resentful, you know.
401
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:06,786
I feel like by 9 AM
we already hate you.
402
00:18:06,819 --> 00:18:09,556
Okay? Because of all this shit
we have to do from 8 to 9 AM
403
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,558
to make you think
we're fuckin' pretty.
404
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:12,392
Like do you know
the kind of shit
405
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:13,760
that goes on
in your bathroom, sir?
406
00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:14,861
You don't know.
407
00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:16,596
You're wearing shorts.
408
00:18:26,473 --> 00:18:29,209
And what are those--
are those Crocs?
409
00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:35,382
Oh my God, white people
are so embarrassing.
410
00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:36,449
Unbelievable!
411
00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:37,884
And she-- you don't understand
the kind of stuff
412
00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:39,619
that goes on in the bathroom.
413
00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:40,487
She's working hard
414
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,389
and you're wearing...
your pajamas.
415
00:18:42,422 --> 00:18:44,491
This is unbelievable.
416
00:18:44,524 --> 00:18:46,293
Do you realize
the things that we do?
417
00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:48,228
We spray aerosol.
418
00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:50,497
We inhale aerosol every day.
419
00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:51,798
Okay?
Then we put on makeup
420
00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:54,401
which is just chemicals
and poison...
421
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,903
then we put on perfume
which is pure alcohol.
422
00:18:56,936 --> 00:19:00,240
It's not that we bitchy--
we're just high...
423
00:19:00,273 --> 00:19:01,641
most of the time.
424
00:19:01,674 --> 00:19:04,777
Bitches are just
lit up everywhere.
425
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,679
Have you ever seen a girl
put on perfume.
426
00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:09,682
She's like eh, eh, eh--
( INHALES )
427
00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:12,252
Ah-h-h.
428
00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:15,788
Okay, let's go.
Where we going?
429
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:17,657
The torture we put
ourselves through--
430
00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:19,326
it's just annoying,
you know?
431
00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:20,727
Like do you know
what eyeliner is, sir?
432
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,462
Do you have any idea?
433
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:23,496
A little bit.
A little bit,
434
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:25,598
little bit, little bit.
435
00:19:25,632 --> 00:19:27,634
Sorry, I can't stop looking
at your scrotum.
436
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:28,901
Unbelievable!
437
00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:31,938
( APPLAUSE )
438
00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,278
Eyeliner-- no idea.
439
00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:41,881
Just based on the word
eye...liner.
440
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:44,917
Zero?
441
00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:46,052
Nothing.
442
00:19:46,085 --> 00:19:47,687
Zip. Guys don't even know.
443
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:48,888
Do you have any idea, sir?
444
00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:50,590
- I can take a hint.
WHITNEY: You can take a hint.
445
00:19:50,623 --> 00:19:53,293
Okay, let's see.
446
00:19:53,326 --> 00:19:55,295
You apply it to your eye.
447
00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:00,032
See, this is--
he's my worst nightmare.
448
00:20:00,066 --> 00:20:01,734
This is my worst nightmare.
449
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:03,403
This is literal guy.
450
00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:07,940
This is the guy who in a fight,
he just sticks to the facts.
451
00:20:07,974 --> 00:20:10,343
To win-- he's the guy
who's like,
452
00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:11,478
"No, no, no I didn't say
you were a bitch.
453
00:20:11,511 --> 00:20:13,980
I said you were
being a bitch."
454
00:20:14,013 --> 00:20:17,016
( APPLAUSE )
455
00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:21,654
And you're like, okay,
I got to go regroup--
456
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:23,656
I'll be right back.
457
00:20:23,690 --> 00:20:25,925
Does any guy know
how eyeliner is applied?
458
00:20:25,958 --> 00:20:27,894
This amazes me.
The guy has no idea.
459
00:20:27,927 --> 00:20:28,895
MAN:
With a brush.
460
00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:32,632
- With a brush-- no!
461
00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:35,502
That's another
masochistic thing we do.
462
00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:37,937
That's eye shadow--
it's applied with a brush.
463
00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:39,539
The point of eye shadow
is to make us look
464
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:40,640
like we have black eyes,
465
00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:41,641
so why don't you take
a good hard look at yourself
466
00:20:41,674 --> 00:20:44,644
and why you think
that's attractive, sickos.
467
00:20:47,547 --> 00:20:48,748
I can't do eye shadow myself.
468
00:20:48,781 --> 00:20:49,982
It's actually difficult to do.
469
00:20:50,016 --> 00:20:51,984
I just have to be like baby,
can you punch me in the face?
470
00:20:52,018 --> 00:20:53,486
I'm going to work.
471
00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:56,889
Eyeliner-- nothing.
472
00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:57,890
This is amazing to me.
473
00:20:57,924 --> 00:20:59,492
Eyeliner.
What's that?
474
00:20:59,526 --> 00:21:00,660
Do you know how?
475
00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:01,994
With a pen?
476
00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:03,996
No!
477
00:21:04,030 --> 00:21:05,998
What else,
what's close to pen?
478
00:21:06,032 --> 00:21:07,700
MAN: A pencil.
- Pencil!
479
00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:10,102
Doesn't that sound
a little fucking dangerous
480
00:21:10,136 --> 00:21:11,971
to anybody else?
481
00:21:12,004 --> 00:21:16,543
We're putting pencils
in our eyeballs.
482
00:21:16,576 --> 00:21:18,978
Like I think the first thing
you learn as a child
483
00:21:19,011 --> 00:21:22,582
is do not get a pencil
near your eye...
484
00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:24,451
until you become
an adult woman--
485
00:21:24,484 --> 00:21:25,685
in which case
we want you to put it
486
00:21:25,718 --> 00:21:28,220
inside your eyeball
every morning.
487
00:21:28,254 --> 00:21:29,856
We know you're probably
going to do it
488
00:21:29,889 --> 00:21:32,224
while you're driving.
489
00:21:32,258 --> 00:21:33,059
We don't care--
490
00:21:33,092 --> 00:21:36,796
only way to get a man
to like you.
491
00:21:36,829 --> 00:21:38,097
I was worried
that it was taking
492
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:40,099
some kind of toll
on our eyesight,
493
00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,034
like collectively as women,
you know.
494
00:21:42,068 --> 00:21:45,137
I feel like putting ink
and pencils and dye--
495
00:21:45,171 --> 00:21:47,540
this has got to be bad
for our vision.
496
00:21:47,574 --> 00:21:49,609
You know, sometimes
women see shit
497
00:21:49,642 --> 00:21:52,612
that's just not
fucking there.
498
00:21:52,645 --> 00:21:55,147
I think there's a correlation.
499
00:21:55,181 --> 00:21:56,516
I used to always
accuse my ex
500
00:21:56,549 --> 00:21:57,584
of checking out hot chicks
in front of me.
501
00:21:57,617 --> 00:21:59,486
He'd be like what chicks--
I don't see any chicks.
502
00:21:59,519 --> 00:22:02,722
I'd be like I don't know,
motherfucker.
503
00:22:02,755 --> 00:22:05,592
I don't have any
peripheral vision anymore,
504
00:22:05,625 --> 00:22:06,626
from all this eyeliner.
505
00:22:06,659 --> 00:22:08,294
I see hot chicks everywhere.
506
00:22:08,395 --> 00:22:09,729
( GIGGLES )
507
00:22:09,762 --> 00:22:10,930
So much suffering.
508
00:22:10,963 --> 00:22:13,232
There's so much pain involved
in being a girl, you know?
509
00:22:13,265 --> 00:22:14,401
I don't think women are weak.
510
00:22:14,434 --> 00:22:16,403
I think women are too strong
because we just endure it.
511
00:22:16,403 --> 00:22:18,838
We just take it
and don't complain about it,
512
00:22:18,871 --> 00:22:21,408
but I do think that it
manifests in other ways.
513
00:22:21,408 --> 00:22:22,509
Like next time
you're talking to a girl
514
00:22:22,542 --> 00:22:25,244
and you think she's acting
like shitty or unreasonable,
515
00:22:25,277 --> 00:22:28,915
just remember that she's got
a polyester string
516
00:22:28,948 --> 00:22:31,150
in her asshole.
517
00:22:36,423 --> 00:22:39,191
Yeah, she's probably
a little stressed out, okay?
518
00:22:39,225 --> 00:22:43,863
We're all a little on edge,
and I think that's probably why.
519
00:22:43,896 --> 00:22:45,331
A guy will be like
what's up your ass?
520
00:22:45,432 --> 00:22:48,267
I'm like uh-h-h.
521
00:22:48,300 --> 00:22:49,436
I can tell you right now,
522
00:22:49,436 --> 00:22:54,140
it's a polyester string
I paid $35 for.
523
00:22:54,173 --> 00:22:57,744
That I can't even put
in the fucking dryer.
524
00:22:57,777 --> 00:22:59,011
Do you have a question?
525
00:23:07,820 --> 00:23:08,955
I can't do a lot of it,
you know.
526
00:23:08,988 --> 00:23:10,156
I can't do high heels.
527
00:23:10,189 --> 00:23:11,090
I cannot do high heels
528
00:23:11,123 --> 00:23:13,025
because I feel like
it makes me shitty.
529
00:23:13,059 --> 00:23:14,794
I get in a bad mood
when I'm wearing high heels,
530
00:23:14,827 --> 00:23:16,463
you know.
It's just so weird to me.
531
00:23:16,496 --> 00:23:18,030
Some of you guys are here
with girls tonight
532
00:23:18,064 --> 00:23:21,801
whose feet are bleeding.
533
00:23:21,834 --> 00:23:23,102
But you're not doing
anything about it.
534
00:23:23,135 --> 00:23:24,070
It's not even weird--
535
00:23:24,103 --> 00:23:25,938
you're not getting them
a Band-Aid, nothing.
536
00:23:25,972 --> 00:23:29,208
It's just accepted that
we like limp around, you know.
537
00:23:29,241 --> 00:23:32,344
I also don't like it
because I feel like when I do,
538
00:23:32,378 --> 00:23:34,013
the guy that I'm with
will get mad at me
539
00:23:34,046 --> 00:23:35,114
for wearing heels,
you know?
540
00:23:35,147 --> 00:23:36,483
He'll go why are you wearing
those high-heeled shoes?
541
00:23:36,483 --> 00:23:38,284
It's going to ruin
our whole night
542
00:23:38,317 --> 00:23:39,919
because you're going to be
complaining the entire time
543
00:23:39,952 --> 00:23:41,053
about your feet hurting
544
00:23:41,087 --> 00:23:42,221
and I'm going to have to
go get the car
545
00:23:42,254 --> 00:23:44,190
and pull the car around.
546
00:23:44,223 --> 00:23:47,494
Like um, hey bro,
I'm wearing heels
547
00:23:47,494 --> 00:23:50,863
so that you
want to fuck me.
548
00:23:53,099 --> 00:23:54,066
Because if I don't,
549
00:23:54,100 --> 00:23:55,502
you're going to leave me
for someone who does.
550
00:23:55,502 --> 00:23:56,503
I've seen porn,
551
00:23:56,536 --> 00:23:59,371
and none of those bitches
are wearing Aerosoles.
552
00:24:06,212 --> 00:24:07,880
Just go get the car.
553
00:24:10,182 --> 00:24:11,417
Like I'm always trying
to look good for guys
554
00:24:11,518 --> 00:24:13,920
and it's always backfiring
on me, you know?
555
00:24:13,953 --> 00:24:15,221
Like when I'm taking
too long in the bathroom--
556
00:24:15,254 --> 00:24:17,123
you're taking forever
in the bathroom.
557
00:24:17,156 --> 00:24:18,257
We're going to miss
our reservation.
558
00:24:18,290 --> 00:24:19,859
I'm like I'm sorry--
I'm just in here
559
00:24:19,892 --> 00:24:21,393
trying to make you think
I'm pretty.
560
00:24:21,427 --> 00:24:23,162
I'm not in a huge rush
to get to the restaurant.
561
00:24:23,195 --> 00:24:26,065
It's not like I can eat anything
once we get there anyway.
562
00:24:26,098 --> 00:24:28,300
I'm fucking
starving to death.
563
00:24:28,334 --> 00:24:32,271
I haven't had bread since '95,
so just be cool, man.
564
00:24:34,273 --> 00:24:35,241
Then we get in trouble
for that.
565
00:24:35,274 --> 00:24:36,275
Why are you always on a diet?
566
00:24:36,308 --> 00:24:37,877
You're always on a diet.
567
00:24:37,910 --> 00:24:40,246
I'm on a diet because
I'm trying to get the body
568
00:24:40,279 --> 00:24:43,883
of the women you jerk off to
after I fall asleep.
569
00:24:46,252 --> 00:24:47,654
It's not just
that I love lettuce.
570
00:24:47,687 --> 00:24:50,422
Okay?
I don't love lettuce.
571
00:24:50,456 --> 00:24:53,292
What is the confusion.
572
00:24:53,325 --> 00:24:55,628
It's always something, man.
573
00:24:55,662 --> 00:24:57,063
Why are you always cold?
574
00:24:57,096 --> 00:24:58,164
Why are you always cold?
575
00:24:58,197 --> 00:24:59,398
You're always cold.
576
00:24:59,431 --> 00:25:05,071
I'm cold because
I lasered my entire body...
577
00:25:05,104 --> 00:25:10,577
so that you would think
I'm soft, you fucking pedophile.
578
00:25:10,610 --> 00:25:13,613
( APPLAUSE )
579
00:25:26,158 --> 00:25:28,661
Unbelievable!
580
00:25:30,663 --> 00:25:33,032
Actually, there's a lot of stuff
you guys don't know.
581
00:25:33,065 --> 00:25:34,200
You know there's a lot of stuff
you guys don't know
582
00:25:34,233 --> 00:25:35,334
and I feel like
if you knew about it,
583
00:25:35,367 --> 00:25:37,804
you'd be a little less
frustrated with us, you know?
584
00:25:37,837 --> 00:25:39,238
Like there's so much stuff
you guys don't know.
585
00:25:39,271 --> 00:25:42,474
Like you guys don't know
about the voices.
586
00:25:45,477 --> 00:25:47,647
No one told you
about that shit, huh?
587
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,248
You think it's bad
when our mouths are moving--
588
00:25:49,281 --> 00:25:53,319
no, that's the best case
scenario.
589
00:25:53,352 --> 00:25:57,056
It's when our mouths are shut
that you need to be concerned.
590
00:25:57,089 --> 00:26:00,727
Because that means
we're fucking thinking.
591
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,863
That's when all
the problems start.
592
00:26:03,896 --> 00:26:04,797
Because I feel like
in this culture
593
00:26:04,831 --> 00:26:07,533
girls are taught to be
so self-critical.
594
00:26:07,634 --> 00:26:08,635
You know,
we compare ourselves
595
00:26:08,668 --> 00:26:10,670
to such an impossible
physical ideal
596
00:26:10,703 --> 00:26:12,639
that we're always
judging ourselves.
597
00:26:12,639 --> 00:26:13,840
You know, I'm so insecure
at this point
598
00:26:13,873 --> 00:26:15,875
I just have this constant
inner monologue
599
00:26:15,908 --> 00:26:19,345
saying the meanest shit to me
all the time.
600
00:26:19,378 --> 00:26:22,348
It's just like, "Hey, Whitney,
601
00:26:22,381 --> 00:26:25,885
"your thighs are touching...
602
00:26:25,918 --> 00:26:27,754
"You probably shouldn't
have had that cheese
603
00:26:27,787 --> 00:26:31,658
"last night,
you fuckin' pig.
604
00:26:31,658 --> 00:26:33,726
"You haven't gone
to the gym yet today--
605
00:26:33,760 --> 00:26:36,863
"that's an interesting choice.
606
00:26:36,896 --> 00:26:40,232
"I guess you're just
going to die alone.
607
00:26:40,266 --> 00:26:42,669
"Even if a man does marry you,
you're so loud
608
00:26:42,669 --> 00:26:45,872
he's going to leave you
for an Asian girl."
609
00:26:45,905 --> 00:26:48,374
( GIGGLES )
610
00:26:48,407 --> 00:26:51,844
Just the meanest stuff,
constantly.
611
00:26:51,878 --> 00:26:54,914
But I feel like guys don't have
that same insecurity, you know?
612
00:26:54,947 --> 00:26:56,382
Obviously.
613
00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:02,855
I don't think guys are
self-critical like that.
614
00:27:02,889 --> 00:27:04,390
I feel like guys
doing a monologue
615
00:27:04,423 --> 00:27:05,191
is totally different.
616
00:27:05,224 --> 00:27:06,558
I feel like guys
doing a monologue
617
00:27:06,592 --> 00:27:09,696
are like, "What's up, bro?
618
00:27:09,729 --> 00:27:12,398
"Looking awesome!
619
00:27:12,431 --> 00:27:17,770
"Really killing it today,
per usual.
620
00:27:17,804 --> 00:27:20,406
"Dude, I don't think
you need to shave today--
621
00:27:20,439 --> 00:27:25,812
"that weird black hair growing
out of your back looks cool.
622
00:27:25,845 --> 00:27:27,747
"Dude, do not
shave your face.
623
00:27:27,780 --> 00:27:29,916
"Fuck your girlfriend
and her bloody chin.
624
00:27:29,949 --> 00:27:32,719
"Fuck her!
625
00:27:32,752 --> 00:27:35,054
"Dude, I'm thinking
you should wear
626
00:27:35,087 --> 00:27:38,457
"those awesome
cargo shorts again today.
627
00:27:39,591 --> 00:27:42,729
With socks and sandals."
628
00:27:47,734 --> 00:27:49,468
( SIGHS )
629
00:27:49,501 --> 00:27:51,771
Must be nice.
630
00:27:51,804 --> 00:27:55,007
Must be nice
to like yourselves.
631
00:27:57,777 --> 00:27:59,011
I feel like I spend
so much time
632
00:27:59,045 --> 00:28:01,748
trying to figure out what guys
are thinking about, you know?
633
00:28:01,748 --> 00:28:03,649
That's like our favorite thing
to do as girls, right--
634
00:28:03,750 --> 00:28:05,584
ask guys what they're thinking,
you know?
635
00:28:05,617 --> 00:28:07,754
"Hey babe, what are you
thinking about--"
636
00:28:07,754 --> 00:28:08,755
it's always
the same shit, right?
637
00:28:08,788 --> 00:28:10,389
"Nothin'."
638
00:28:11,190 --> 00:28:12,658
Like we got to stop
doing that.
639
00:28:12,759 --> 00:28:14,827
That has never gone well
for any girl.
640
00:28:14,861 --> 00:28:18,064
Like no girl in the history
of time was ever like
641
00:28:18,097 --> 00:28:21,133
"Hey babe,
what are you thinking about--"
642
00:28:21,167 --> 00:28:24,070
And the guy was like,
643
00:28:24,103 --> 00:28:25,838
"Well...
...I'm glad you asked.
644
00:28:29,541 --> 00:28:31,677
"I was just thinking about
how young you look
645
00:28:31,778 --> 00:28:33,512
"and how much
I love monogamy.
646
00:28:33,545 --> 00:28:35,047
Can we talk about it?"
647
00:28:38,985 --> 00:28:40,787
No, it's always
the same shit, right?
648
00:28:40,820 --> 00:28:42,488
"Nothin'."
649
00:28:42,521 --> 00:28:43,422
But, you know what--
650
00:28:43,455 --> 00:28:44,623
I've finally come to terms
with the fact
651
00:28:44,656 --> 00:28:50,930
that I think guys really do
think about fuckin' nothing.
652
00:28:53,032 --> 00:28:54,600
Like I feel like guys
drive down the street
653
00:28:54,633 --> 00:28:57,603
and this is pretty much
what goes on in your mind.
654
00:28:57,636 --> 00:29:00,106
Driving down the street
just in your car...
655
00:29:08,815 --> 00:29:09,816
"Tree.
656
00:29:14,821 --> 00:29:15,822
"Tree.
657
00:29:17,589 --> 00:29:19,826
Damn, she's got big tits."
658
00:29:19,826 --> 00:29:23,095
( APPLAUSE )
659
00:29:23,129 --> 00:29:24,864
But then that's
pretty much it.
660
00:29:24,897 --> 00:29:27,033
Right? If there's no emotion,
it's just like thing,
661
00:29:27,066 --> 00:29:31,838
thing, stuff, thing,
thing, stuff, thing.
662
00:29:31,838 --> 00:29:34,640
But for me to drive down
that same street, nightmare.
663
00:29:34,673 --> 00:29:35,441
Stress.
664
00:29:35,474 --> 00:29:38,210
Memories, emotions,
triggering.
665
00:29:38,244 --> 00:29:39,846
So much drama.
666
00:29:39,846 --> 00:29:42,148
For me to drive down
that same street, it's like,
667
00:29:42,181 --> 00:29:44,851
( DEEP BREATH )
668
00:29:44,851 --> 00:29:47,153
Oh my God, look at that tree.
669
00:29:47,186 --> 00:29:48,354
My ex-boyfriend
had a tree in his yard.
670
00:29:48,387 --> 00:29:49,989
Oh my God!
671
00:29:50,022 --> 00:29:52,658
I miss him so much.
672
00:29:52,691 --> 00:29:53,893
Oh, look at that tree.
673
00:29:53,926 --> 00:29:54,894
That tree's thinner than me.
674
00:29:54,927 --> 00:29:56,628
What the fuck--
I hate trees.
675
00:29:57,629 --> 00:29:59,198
Well, who's this bitch
with the big tits?
676
00:29:59,231 --> 00:30:01,000
( GIGGLES )
677
00:30:01,033 --> 00:30:02,168
And that's just to get
to Rite-Aid.
678
00:30:02,201 --> 00:30:03,936
It's just a saga.
679
00:30:06,172 --> 00:30:07,139
You know,
I was explaining this
680
00:30:07,173 --> 00:30:08,140
to a guy friend of mine.
681
00:30:08,174 --> 00:30:09,741
I was explaining this
to a guy friend of mine
682
00:30:09,775 --> 00:30:10,977
and I was just telling him,
you know,
683
00:30:11,010 --> 00:30:12,178
that I think that being a girl
is just more of a challenge
684
00:30:12,211 --> 00:30:14,813
sometimes because we have
more to think about, you know.
685
00:30:14,847 --> 00:30:17,249
We have to worry about
all this superficial stuff--
686
00:30:17,283 --> 00:30:19,952
our, you know,
nails getting done, our hair,
687
00:30:19,986 --> 00:30:22,855
our clothes and matching
and purses and stuff.
688
00:30:22,889 --> 00:30:24,823
He's like "Yeah, yeah,
but that's not our fault.
689
00:30:24,857 --> 00:30:26,792
"That's not our fault because
women don't dress for men.
690
00:30:26,825 --> 00:30:29,161
Women dress for other women."
691
00:30:29,195 --> 00:30:32,164
Does anyone fuck--
I will fight you right now...
692
00:30:33,699 --> 00:30:34,466
All of you.
693
00:30:34,500 --> 00:30:36,702
Women do not dress
for other women.
694
00:30:36,735 --> 00:30:38,804
That's such
a ridiculous philosophy.
695
00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:41,107
Look, I've never been getting
ready putting on a miniskirt
696
00:30:41,140 --> 00:30:43,910
like yeah, my waitress tonight
is going to love this.
697
00:30:45,878 --> 00:30:48,280
Like, no, women do not dress
for other women
698
00:30:48,314 --> 00:30:50,449
and I know this because I have
girls' nights in my house.
699
00:30:50,482 --> 00:30:53,119
And when girls are alone
and no guys are around,
700
00:30:53,152 --> 00:30:55,321
we look like sea creatures.
701
00:30:56,388 --> 00:31:00,326
Okay? It looks like a pirate
ship crashed into my house.
702
00:31:00,359 --> 00:31:03,529
Okay? We all got dreadlocks,
we're wearing slankets around,
703
00:31:03,562 --> 00:31:07,967
pajama jeans, all our leg hairs
just in corn rows.
704
00:31:08,968 --> 00:31:10,402
We have our dicks
hanging out.
705
00:31:13,172 --> 00:31:14,406
If a girl comes over
with makeup on,
706
00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:15,441
I'm like, "Bitch,
go wash your face.
707
00:31:15,474 --> 00:31:16,943
Whose team are you on?"
708
00:31:19,278 --> 00:31:20,179
I do think this idea, though,
709
00:31:20,212 --> 00:31:22,781
is kind of at the root
of the philosophy
710
00:31:22,814 --> 00:31:24,984
that people think that women
don't like other women.
711
00:31:25,017 --> 00:31:26,252
I think that happens because
712
00:31:26,285 --> 00:31:28,955
when we're super dressed up
to impress a guy
713
00:31:28,955 --> 00:31:31,023
and we see each other,
we avoid each other
714
00:31:31,057 --> 00:31:32,491
because we're so embarrassed
of all the pathetic,
715
00:31:32,524 --> 00:31:35,427
desperate shit we're doing
to impress a dude.
716
00:31:35,461 --> 00:31:37,997
You know, like when I'm super
dressed up in a push-up bra
717
00:31:38,030 --> 00:31:41,133
and a mini dress and heels
and I see a group of girls,
718
00:31:41,167 --> 00:31:43,102
I'm not like,
"What's up, bitches?
719
00:31:43,135 --> 00:31:45,137
I don't think you're ready
for this jelly."
720
00:31:47,073 --> 00:31:48,840
No! When I see
a group of girls,
721
00:31:48,874 --> 00:31:51,410
I'm so humiliated
at all the dumb,
722
00:31:51,443 --> 00:31:54,480
slutty shit I'm doing,
I'm like, "Oh God, hi.
723
00:31:54,513 --> 00:31:56,148
"Um...
724
00:31:56,182 --> 00:31:58,250
"I know this is bad.
725
00:31:58,284 --> 00:32:02,054
"It's just that he's
really shallow and um,
726
00:32:02,088 --> 00:32:04,623
"I'm in my 30's now,
so I've got to make a move,
727
00:32:04,656 --> 00:32:05,457
"you know what I mean...
728
00:32:05,491 --> 00:32:09,361
and he's got a 401k--
you get it."
729
00:32:12,999 --> 00:32:13,765
I don't like that idea
730
00:32:13,799 --> 00:32:15,001
that women don't like
other women.
731
00:32:15,034 --> 00:32:16,002
I don't think that's true.
732
00:32:16,002 --> 00:32:18,004
I just think that women
support other women
733
00:32:18,004 --> 00:32:19,005
when it really counts.
734
00:32:19,005 --> 00:32:21,007
You know, we come in
and have each other's back
735
00:32:21,040 --> 00:32:22,008
when it really counts--
736
00:32:22,008 --> 00:32:24,010
like when we go to
the bathroom together.
737
00:32:24,043 --> 00:32:25,344
You want to know
what's going on in there?
738
00:32:25,377 --> 00:32:27,113
There's one girl
having a bad night,
739
00:32:27,146 --> 00:32:29,148
a bunch of bitches
who have never met each other
740
00:32:29,181 --> 00:32:32,384
in their lives
are like soldiers at war,
741
00:32:32,418 --> 00:32:35,521
nursing each other's wounds.
742
00:32:35,554 --> 00:32:37,089
One girl is on the floor--
I'm like, all right,
743
00:32:37,123 --> 00:32:38,024
pull those Spanx up.
744
00:32:38,057 --> 00:32:40,026
Somebody get a Band-Aid
for that blister.
745
00:32:40,026 --> 00:32:41,593
Someone-- her eyebrow
just melted off--
746
00:32:41,627 --> 00:32:44,463
gotta get a Sharpie
to draw that shit back on.
747
00:32:44,496 --> 00:32:46,332
All right, someone get some
Super Glue for those eye lashes.
748
00:32:46,365 --> 00:32:47,599
Her hair extensions
just fell out--
749
00:32:47,633 --> 00:32:48,534
someone get a stapler
750
00:32:48,567 --> 00:32:51,470
to staple that horsehair
back on her head.
751
00:32:51,503 --> 00:32:53,072
Now, bitch, you wipe
the tears off your tits
752
00:32:53,105 --> 00:32:55,207
and you listen to me
right now.
753
00:32:55,241 --> 00:32:56,342
You're going to
go back out there,
754
00:32:56,375 --> 00:32:58,277
put a smile on your face
and pretend he's interesting.
755
00:32:58,310 --> 00:33:00,079
Go!
756
00:33:04,116 --> 00:33:05,284
( APPLAUSE )
Thank you!
757
00:33:12,758 --> 00:33:13,759
I don't like that at all.
758
00:33:13,792 --> 00:33:16,328
I think when women are nasty
with other women,
759
00:33:16,362 --> 00:33:17,263
it's much more subtle,
760
00:33:17,296 --> 00:33:19,198
like it's much more
insidious, you know.
761
00:33:19,231 --> 00:33:20,532
Like I have this girlfriend,
every time I see her,
762
00:33:20,566 --> 00:33:21,533
she'd be like,
763
00:33:21,567 --> 00:33:26,138
"Hey, hooker.
's up, slut?"
764
00:33:26,172 --> 00:33:28,240
Which that's never
going to feel good, you know?
765
00:33:28,274 --> 00:33:30,109
But to me it's just a reminder
that I think we need to stop
766
00:33:30,142 --> 00:33:32,278
using the word hooker
as a pejorative term.
767
00:33:32,311 --> 00:33:33,512
I have a lot of respect
for hookers.
768
00:33:33,545 --> 00:33:35,381
I think they work very hard
and they do a lot of the jobs
769
00:33:35,414 --> 00:33:37,449
that we don't
want to fucking do.
770
00:33:37,483 --> 00:33:40,086
( APPLAUSE )
771
00:33:40,086 --> 00:33:42,821
They are cleaning up
a lot of messes out there.
772
00:33:42,854 --> 00:33:45,091
They are American heroes.
773
00:33:48,460 --> 00:33:49,595
I also think
hookers look at us
774
00:33:49,628 --> 00:33:51,597
like we're the idiots,
you know?
775
00:33:51,630 --> 00:33:53,165
They look at us
and they're like,
776
00:33:53,199 --> 00:33:55,701
"Those bitches
are having sex for free?
777
00:33:57,203 --> 00:33:59,505
What a bunch
of fuckin' whores."
778
00:34:01,207 --> 00:34:04,143
( GIGGLES )
779
00:34:05,511 --> 00:34:06,512
So silly.
780
00:34:11,417 --> 00:34:12,351
I don't know, man.
781
00:34:12,384 --> 00:34:13,485
I feel like when I was
trying to figure out
782
00:34:13,519 --> 00:34:15,654
what guys were thinking about,
I came across some stuff
783
00:34:15,687 --> 00:34:17,389
that was just
too discouraging, you know.
784
00:34:17,423 --> 00:34:18,224
Like I came across
an article
785
00:34:18,257 --> 00:34:19,525
that said that guys
think about sex
786
00:34:19,558 --> 00:34:21,793
at least every five minutes.
787
00:34:21,827 --> 00:34:23,929
Was that like disturbing,
right?
788
00:34:23,962 --> 00:34:27,299
Like you guys are responsible
for like really important shit
789
00:34:27,333 --> 00:34:28,734
like wars and bombs,
790
00:34:28,767 --> 00:34:32,371
and you guys can't focus
for five fucking minutes...
791
00:34:32,404 --> 00:34:35,374
Like important men
are thinking about sex
792
00:34:35,407 --> 00:34:38,210
every five minutes
which is like Barack Obama
793
00:34:38,244 --> 00:34:39,278
thinks about sex
every five minutes
794
00:34:39,311 --> 00:34:40,912
which probably explains
why he's always stuttering
795
00:34:40,946 --> 00:34:41,947
during his fucking speeches.
796
00:34:41,980 --> 00:34:43,582
It's like, dude,
797
00:34:43,615 --> 00:34:45,651
get your shit together,
man, you know?
798
00:34:45,684 --> 00:34:46,652
But you'll see it happen.
799
00:34:46,685 --> 00:34:47,586
You'll see him
giving a speech
800
00:34:47,619 --> 00:34:49,955
and you'll see
that five-minute mark hit.
801
00:34:49,988 --> 00:34:51,790
You'll see sex
enter his mind.
802
00:34:51,823 --> 00:34:53,659
He'll be like, "We're going
to go into Afghanistan
803
00:34:53,692 --> 00:34:56,495
"and we're going to
discuss the...
804
00:34:56,528 --> 00:34:57,329
"um, we're going to,
805
00:34:57,363 --> 00:34:59,465
"ah, we're going to get
on the, uh,
806
00:34:59,498 --> 00:35:00,799
( SHUDDERS )
807
00:35:00,832 --> 00:35:01,933
Dude,
I just saw that, man.
808
00:35:01,967 --> 00:35:04,503
You were just thinking
about titties-- Afghan titties.
809
00:35:04,536 --> 00:35:05,904
I saw it happen.
810
00:35:09,175 --> 00:35:09,908
It's just concerning to me.
811
00:35:09,941 --> 00:35:10,909
I feel like
there are a lot of jobs
812
00:35:10,942 --> 00:35:13,612
where you guys probably
need to focus, right?
813
00:35:13,645 --> 00:35:16,415
Like heart surgeons think
about sex every five minutes
814
00:35:16,448 --> 00:35:18,950
and heart surgeries
are like five hours long,
815
00:35:18,984 --> 00:35:20,652
so that's like 60 times.
816
00:35:20,686 --> 00:35:22,421
Like you know heart surgeons
are just sitting there
817
00:35:22,454 --> 00:35:23,222
looking at an open heart
818
00:35:23,255 --> 00:35:26,358
like yeah,
I'd put my dick in that.
819
00:35:27,759 --> 00:35:30,896
( GIGGLES )
820
00:35:32,631 --> 00:35:33,765
I said it.
821
00:35:36,568 --> 00:35:38,437
It's kind of weird, though,
that guys think about sex.
822
00:35:38,470 --> 00:35:40,706
Like we've accepted it so much
as a society now.
823
00:35:40,739 --> 00:35:42,007
You know,
it's so institutionalized.
824
00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:43,542
We've embraced it, you know.
825
00:35:43,575 --> 00:35:45,010
Like there's just
a restaurant called Hooters--
826
00:35:45,043 --> 00:35:47,045
that's just a restaurant.
827
00:35:47,078 --> 00:35:48,647
Whereas there would never
be a restaurant like that
828
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:52,351
for women, you know,
called like Dongs.
829
00:35:53,685 --> 00:35:56,422
Where all the waiters
were like in Speedos and shit
830
00:35:56,455 --> 00:35:59,525
because that would be
a disgusting fucking restaurant.
831
00:36:02,594 --> 00:36:04,396
Nobody would ever eat there.
832
00:36:05,764 --> 00:36:08,234
We do not want to see
your flaccid dicks in spandex--
833
00:36:08,234 --> 00:36:09,268
I gotta be honest.
834
00:36:09,301 --> 00:36:11,737
It looks like a hamster
stuck in a water balloon.
835
00:36:13,038 --> 00:36:16,642
( APPLAUSE )
836
00:36:16,675 --> 00:36:19,511
No. No.
837
00:36:19,545 --> 00:36:26,017
So it's like some weird
shitake mushroom coming out...
838
00:36:26,051 --> 00:36:27,819
It's always going up
like a snorkel.
839
00:36:27,853 --> 00:36:29,521
Like why is it up?
840
00:36:29,555 --> 00:36:30,856
Get it down there!
841
00:36:30,889 --> 00:36:32,758
It's always like on one side,
all mis--
842
00:36:32,791 --> 00:36:37,263
why is it so misallocated?
843
00:36:37,263 --> 00:36:38,464
Disgusting.
844
00:36:40,131 --> 00:36:41,767
Like if there was going to be
a restaurant like that
845
00:36:41,800 --> 00:36:44,002
for women where the waiters
were dressed up
846
00:36:44,035 --> 00:36:46,672
to arouse the women
eating there,
847
00:36:46,705 --> 00:36:47,873
they would not be
in Speedos, okay?
848
00:36:47,906 --> 00:36:50,876
They'd be wearing suits,
carrying briefcases,
849
00:36:50,909 --> 00:36:53,111
holding up their perfect
credit reports.
850
00:36:55,881 --> 00:36:58,149
( GIGGLES )
851
00:36:58,183 --> 00:36:59,351
Like I feel like girls
852
00:36:59,385 --> 00:37:04,089
don't need like sex while
we're doing our jobs, you know.
853
00:37:04,122 --> 00:37:05,891
Right? Like you would never turn
on the Cooking Channel
854
00:37:05,924 --> 00:37:08,860
and see like a bunch
of shirtless dudes
855
00:37:08,894 --> 00:37:11,830
like yeah, girl,
ooh, yeah, yeah.
856
00:37:11,863 --> 00:37:14,933
Just put that butter
on the pan, girl.
857
00:37:14,966 --> 00:37:17,336
Just get it in the roast.
858
00:37:18,804 --> 00:37:21,172
I just realized I don't know
anything about cooking.
859
00:37:23,174 --> 00:37:25,711
Did you see the wheels
just turning there?
860
00:37:27,313 --> 00:37:29,381
Like it wasn't even clo--
Roast?
861
00:37:29,415 --> 00:37:33,385
No one does a roast anymore.
862
00:37:33,419 --> 00:37:34,720
I'm going to work on that.
863
00:37:36,922 --> 00:37:38,624
You guys just need sex
all the time.
864
00:37:38,657 --> 00:37:40,726
Like in completely
nonsexual situations,
865
00:37:40,759 --> 00:37:41,893
guys need sex, you know.
866
00:37:41,927 --> 00:37:43,228
Like sports,
perfect example.
867
00:37:43,329 --> 00:37:44,229
Football.
868
00:37:44,330 --> 00:37:45,331
You guys are
watching football
869
00:37:45,364 --> 00:37:47,232
and you've got these amazing
athletes on the field
870
00:37:47,333 --> 00:37:49,234
doing amazing things,
incredible.
871
00:37:49,335 --> 00:37:51,370
They're flying, they're doing
phenomenal things.
872
00:37:51,403 --> 00:37:52,371
Not enough for you.
873
00:37:52,404 --> 00:37:56,375
You still need whores
around the perimeter...
874
00:37:57,676 --> 00:37:59,845
...of the field.
875
00:37:59,878 --> 00:38:01,347
God forbid
there'd be two seconds
876
00:38:01,380 --> 00:38:04,950
without a tit in the background
of something you're watching.
877
00:38:07,353 --> 00:38:08,920
Cheerleaders
crack me up, man.
878
00:38:08,954 --> 00:38:09,888
So funny to me because
879
00:38:09,921 --> 00:38:12,958
that's so obviously
a guy's idea, you know.
880
00:38:12,991 --> 00:38:14,360
Like a guy obviously
thought of that
881
00:38:14,393 --> 00:38:16,395
because the cheerleaders
still cheer
882
00:38:16,428 --> 00:38:19,431
even when their team
is fucking losing--
883
00:38:19,465 --> 00:38:20,366
they cheer.
884
00:38:20,399 --> 00:38:21,767
No real women
would ever act like that.
885
00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:22,601
If her man was
out on the field
886
00:38:22,634 --> 00:38:25,404
for five hours
on a Sunday bombing,
887
00:38:25,437 --> 00:38:27,373
she wouldn't be like
go, baby, go, go.
888
00:38:27,406 --> 00:38:29,775
She'd be like Jason,
we're leaving.
889
00:38:30,909 --> 00:38:33,379
First of all, you're
embarrassing me, okay?
890
00:38:33,379 --> 00:38:35,046
Second of all,
I'm freezing cold,
891
00:38:35,080 --> 00:38:37,383
I have to pee, and Target
closes in 20 minutes.
892
00:38:37,383 --> 00:38:38,450
Wrap it up.
893
00:38:43,188 --> 00:38:44,923
I think I figured out
why guys like sex more.
894
00:38:44,956 --> 00:38:46,024
I think it's biological.
895
00:38:46,057 --> 00:38:47,459
I think it's because sex
is so much better for guys.
896
00:38:47,493 --> 00:38:48,794
You know, it's so much easier.
897
00:38:48,827 --> 00:38:50,396
Like for a guy--
sex is better for guys
898
00:38:50,396 --> 00:38:52,498
because it's so much easier
for you guys to have an orgasm.
899
00:38:52,531 --> 00:38:53,932
You know, like for a guy
to have an orgasm,
900
00:38:53,965 --> 00:38:57,536
it's just like--
it's like you just... ( SIGHS )
901
00:39:00,839 --> 00:39:03,141
( GROANS )
902
00:39:04,610 --> 00:39:06,177
Pretty much
all that has to happen
903
00:39:06,211 --> 00:39:08,980
is you just have to kind of
walk into something or...
904
00:39:13,419 --> 00:39:16,655
There has to be like
a drizzle out, you know.
905
00:39:16,688 --> 00:39:19,257
Which, by the way, I have
narrowed down men's orgasms
906
00:39:19,290 --> 00:39:21,427
to three basic categories.
907
00:39:21,427 --> 00:39:24,262
Like there's three
basic ones...
908
00:39:24,295 --> 00:39:26,064
( HEAVY BREATHING )
909
00:39:27,433 --> 00:39:30,669
The first one is like
you just got shot in the back
910
00:39:30,702 --> 00:39:32,103
with an arrow...
911
00:39:38,610 --> 00:39:40,979
The second one
is like you're puking...
912
00:39:41,012 --> 00:39:42,448
( VOMITING SOUND )
913
00:39:46,685 --> 00:39:48,454
And the third one
is a rare one,
914
00:39:48,454 --> 00:39:52,458
but it's for the guys
that are like secretly psychos
915
00:39:52,458 --> 00:39:54,926
and they hate women
and it'll come out like
916
00:39:54,960 --> 00:39:57,463
right at the finish line,
you know, like out of nowhere.
917
00:39:57,463 --> 00:40:00,098
They'll be like yeah,
I love you, I need you, yeah.
918
00:40:00,131 --> 00:40:01,900
Shut up, you dumb whore!
919
00:40:05,403 --> 00:40:07,405
I'm like, oh no!
920
00:40:07,439 --> 00:40:09,040
I thought we were in love.
921
00:40:11,577 --> 00:40:13,545
You know for a woman to have
an orgasm it is so hard--
922
00:40:13,579 --> 00:40:16,181
it is so hard
to have an orgasm.
923
00:40:16,214 --> 00:40:18,116
It's-- I cannot wait
to have one.
924
00:40:18,149 --> 00:40:19,317
I hear they're great.
925
00:40:22,253 --> 00:40:23,722
I mean seriously,
for a girl to have an orgasm,
926
00:40:23,755 --> 00:40:26,324
you've got to be like--
you've got to be like focused.
927
00:40:26,357 --> 00:40:28,994
You have to be like
emotionally connected.
928
00:40:29,027 --> 00:40:30,228
You've got to be relaxed.
929
00:40:30,261 --> 00:40:33,131
You've got to be in great shape,
and it makes it even harder
930
00:40:33,164 --> 00:40:33,965
because you guys watch porn
931
00:40:33,999 --> 00:40:35,467
and you think
that the porn stars
932
00:40:35,501 --> 00:40:37,636
are having orgasms,
but they're all faking it
933
00:40:37,669 --> 00:40:39,538
and they make it look
so fucking easy.
934
00:40:39,571 --> 00:40:41,507
Like porn stars will be
just like' "Ooh, I'm coming,
935
00:40:41,540 --> 00:40:43,174
I'm coming, I'm coming."
936
00:40:46,712 --> 00:40:47,613
That's nothing.
937
00:40:47,646 --> 00:40:51,182
That's she's coming down
from a meth binge.
938
00:40:53,184 --> 00:40:54,285
Nothing's happening to her.
939
00:40:54,319 --> 00:40:55,687
I can't compete with that,
you know.
940
00:40:55,721 --> 00:40:58,023
Like if your girl
is having an orgasm,
941
00:40:58,056 --> 00:41:00,158
she's not going ooh,
I'm coming, I'm coming.
942
00:41:00,191 --> 00:41:01,459
If your girl
is having an orgasm,
943
00:41:01,493 --> 00:41:04,162
she's going'
"Do not fucking moon!"
944
00:41:06,532 --> 00:41:09,134
( YELLING ) I swear to God,
I will fucking kill you.
945
00:41:09,167 --> 00:41:10,201
Bastard! Slower.
946
00:41:10,235 --> 00:41:11,069
Tell me you love me--
947
00:41:11,102 --> 00:41:12,771
you better fucking
mean it this time!
948
00:41:14,105 --> 00:41:16,842
( YELLING ) Kiss me
on the mouth, goddamnit!
949
00:41:16,875 --> 00:41:19,110
( YELLING ) Pull my hair,
not the extensions!
950
00:41:20,278 --> 00:41:22,247
( YELLING ) Shut up,
you dumb whore!
951
00:41:23,314 --> 00:41:27,085
( SOBS )
952
00:41:29,588 --> 00:41:32,658
( APPLAUSE )
953
00:41:39,598 --> 00:41:40,732
Seriously, for me
to have an orgasm,
954
00:41:40,766 --> 00:41:44,736
like my right leg has to be
behind my left shoulder...
955
00:41:44,770 --> 00:41:45,737
Like you've got
a charleyhorse
956
00:41:45,771 --> 00:41:47,405
in your ass, you know.
957
00:41:47,438 --> 00:41:50,275
You got those crazy
bloodshot eyes going,
958
00:41:50,308 --> 00:41:51,577
veins in our foreheads.
959
00:41:51,610 --> 00:41:55,581
Our foreheads look like
your dicks-- just veins...
960
00:42:03,388 --> 00:42:04,590
I know it's not easy
for you guys, either.
961
00:42:04,590 --> 00:42:07,826
Now you guys have to like
do so much work.
962
00:42:07,859 --> 00:42:09,595
You guys have to hit
the same spot
963
00:42:09,595 --> 00:42:11,763
like 500 times,
you know.
964
00:42:11,797 --> 00:42:13,899
That's why I like to be helpful
during sex, you know.
965
00:42:13,932 --> 00:42:16,602
That's why I treat sex
like the game "Operation".
966
00:42:16,602 --> 00:42:18,937
If the guy misses,
I'm just like-- ( GROANS )
967
00:42:31,750 --> 00:42:33,752
I used to be very
against porn, you know.
968
00:42:33,785 --> 00:42:36,655
I thought it was bad for women
and like degrading and shit,
969
00:42:36,688 --> 00:42:38,323
but now I kind of like it.
970
00:42:38,356 --> 00:42:40,792
Uh, because you know why--
because I watched it,
971
00:42:40,826 --> 00:42:43,528
and when I watched it,
I learned so much stuff
972
00:42:43,629 --> 00:42:45,530
that I had to be kind of
grateful for it.
973
00:42:45,631 --> 00:42:46,632
I learned watching porn
974
00:42:46,632 --> 00:42:50,802
that the girls in porn
they'll request to the man
975
00:42:50,836 --> 00:42:52,638
where they want him to finish
976
00:42:52,638 --> 00:42:54,873
which I didn't know
that was an option.
977
00:42:56,307 --> 00:42:59,344
See, nobody told me
that we had a vote in that.
978
00:42:59,377 --> 00:43:03,381
I've just been taking whatever
shots have been coming at me...
979
00:43:03,414 --> 00:43:06,652
since 1998--
I don't know.
980
00:43:06,685 --> 00:43:09,387
I feel like I've been storming
the shores of Normandy...
981
00:43:12,758 --> 00:43:13,925
That's a history joke.
982
00:43:16,695 --> 00:43:19,030
I don't know. Now that I know
that's an option--
983
00:43:19,064 --> 00:43:22,000
to request where you'd want
the man to finish--
984
00:43:22,033 --> 00:43:23,534
I'm ( PFFT )
I'm ready.
985
00:43:23,568 --> 00:43:24,970
Now I've got some ideas.
986
00:43:26,437 --> 00:43:29,107
Maybe like, yeah,
I really want you to come...
987
00:43:29,140 --> 00:43:30,909
In the bathroom?
988
00:43:33,144 --> 00:43:34,680
You just want to
time that out--
989
00:43:34,680 --> 00:43:36,447
whatever you've
got to do to just...
990
00:43:42,587 --> 00:43:43,689
In the sink!
991
00:43:48,059 --> 00:43:49,060
I like the big one, though.
992
00:43:49,094 --> 00:43:51,963
The big one in porn
is the coming on the face.
993
00:43:51,997 --> 00:43:53,799
That's the big one, right?
994
00:43:53,832 --> 00:43:55,834
( INHALES )
Yeah.
995
00:43:57,836 --> 00:43:59,137
Let's talk about it.
996
00:44:01,106 --> 00:44:02,207
Like I really think
that as a society
997
00:44:02,240 --> 00:44:06,144
we kind of need to discuss
why we like this so much,
998
00:44:06,177 --> 00:44:09,614
you know, and why you guys
think that we like love it.
999
00:44:09,715 --> 00:44:12,550
Like who told you
that we like need it?
1000
00:44:12,583 --> 00:44:16,121
No, nobody ever wants this
to happen to them.
1001
00:44:16,154 --> 00:44:18,623
If a girl asks you
to come on her face,
1002
00:44:18,724 --> 00:44:21,059
it's because she thinks you're
going to breakup with her.
1003
00:44:22,761 --> 00:44:25,096
Always buys you at least
another month or so.
1004
00:44:26,798 --> 00:44:29,267
My problem with it is
like the second it's over.
1005
00:44:29,300 --> 00:44:30,501
You know, I try to be fun.
1006
00:44:30,535 --> 00:44:32,871
You know while it's happening
I can get into it, you know,
1007
00:44:32,904 --> 00:44:33,872
because while it's happening
1008
00:44:33,905 --> 00:44:36,541
you can be like yeah,
yeah, yeah, ooh, yeah.
1009
00:44:36,574 --> 00:44:38,877
Look at us.
Yeah, hit me, hit me.
1010
00:44:38,910 --> 00:44:40,611
Yeah, ooh, yeah.
1011
00:44:40,645 --> 00:44:41,780
We are so crazy.
1012
00:44:41,813 --> 00:44:44,149
We are wild and crazy...
1013
00:45:05,771 --> 00:45:08,106
Can I get like a towel
or something?
1014
00:45:10,175 --> 00:45:12,277
Or maybe like
a baby wipe or some--
1015
00:45:12,310 --> 00:45:14,079
or maybe like a pick ax
1016
00:45:14,112 --> 00:45:15,313
because now
it's turned to stone.
1017
00:45:15,346 --> 00:45:18,283
I can't open my fucking eyes.
1018
00:45:18,316 --> 00:45:19,350
He's not going to help you.
1019
00:45:19,384 --> 00:45:21,887
He's too busy taking photos
to send his friends.
1020
00:45:26,691 --> 00:45:27,793
You guys are animals.
1021
00:45:29,260 --> 00:45:30,061
But I get why guys
watch porn.
1022
00:45:30,095 --> 00:45:32,030
I get it now
because it's so obvious.
1023
00:45:32,063 --> 00:45:33,932
It's just that
naked women are hot.
1024
00:45:33,965 --> 00:45:36,034
All naked women are hot.
1025
00:45:36,067 --> 00:45:37,869
You know, there's so much
to look at, yeah.
1026
00:45:37,903 --> 00:45:39,805
It's disgusting of you.
1027
00:45:39,805 --> 00:45:40,839
You're with a date, man.
1028
00:45:40,872 --> 00:45:43,108
That's going to be a fight.
1029
00:45:43,141 --> 00:45:44,109
But, right?
1030
00:45:44,142 --> 00:45:44,910
All boobs and butts--
1031
00:45:44,943 --> 00:45:46,812
they all look amazing,
you know?
1032
00:45:46,812 --> 00:45:47,846
That's why you guys
watch porn.
1033
00:45:47,879 --> 00:45:51,249
Girls don't watch porn as much
because naked guys--
1034
00:45:51,282 --> 00:45:52,283
uck!
1035
00:45:53,418 --> 00:45:55,086
Such a bummer, you know.
1036
00:45:55,120 --> 00:45:56,187
It's just such a--
1037
00:45:56,221 --> 00:46:00,125
this whole Wes Craven
situation you got going on--
1038
00:46:00,158 --> 00:46:02,961
it's just disgusting,
you know.
1039
00:46:02,994 --> 00:46:04,830
It's a lot--
it's a lot to take.
1040
00:46:04,830 --> 00:46:06,965
Because like when a dick
comes on the screen,
1041
00:46:06,998 --> 00:46:10,201
we're not like yeah,
"Look at that dick.
1042
00:46:10,235 --> 00:46:12,203
Yeah, I want that dick."
1043
00:46:12,237 --> 00:46:14,439
No. When a dick comes
on the screen,
1044
00:46:14,472 --> 00:46:16,207
we're like, "Oh,
there's a dick.
1045
00:46:25,350 --> 00:46:26,151
"What's it doing?
1046
00:46:27,485 --> 00:46:29,054
"What's the dick doing?
Does it see me?
1047
00:46:29,087 --> 00:46:30,121
Does the dick see me?"
1048
00:46:31,322 --> 00:46:34,926
Like there's just nothing
attractive about it, you know.
1049
00:46:34,960 --> 00:46:36,494
Like dicks are so ugly...
1050
00:46:38,529 --> 00:46:40,765
...that the second
you guys are born,
1051
00:46:40,866 --> 00:46:43,101
someone has to cut
some of it off.
1052
00:46:44,469 --> 00:46:47,305
( APPLAUSE )
1053
00:46:47,338 --> 00:46:50,375
To make it even somewhat
presentable to society.
1054
00:46:52,243 --> 00:46:54,379
You guys love your dicks
though, man, you love them.
1055
00:46:54,412 --> 00:46:55,780
You're going yeah!
1056
00:46:56,915 --> 00:46:58,483
Dicks!
1057
00:46:58,516 --> 00:47:00,986
You guys walk around,
you lead with it.
1058
00:47:01,019 --> 00:47:04,255
Lead with it, just walking
around, just letting it go.
1059
00:47:04,289 --> 00:47:06,557
Yeah, just loving my dick.
1060
00:47:06,591 --> 00:47:08,326
You know when you guys
are alone, you're just like...
1061
00:47:22,040 --> 00:47:24,542
You guys walk around
so proud of it.
1062
00:47:24,575 --> 00:47:26,544
You guys walk around like
you got a first place trophy
1063
00:47:26,577 --> 00:47:28,113
in-between your legs.
1064
00:47:29,114 --> 00:47:30,048
I got news for you--
1065
00:47:30,081 --> 00:47:31,917
it doesn't look like
a first place trophy.
1066
00:47:32,717 --> 00:47:34,452
Looks like an old yam.
1067
00:47:37,455 --> 00:47:38,489
Have you seen it?
1068
00:47:38,523 --> 00:47:40,358
Have you-- you know what--
no, you haven't seen it
1069
00:47:40,391 --> 00:47:43,128
because your hand
is always on it.
1070
00:47:44,362 --> 00:47:46,965
You've never actually
seen it before.
1071
00:47:49,167 --> 00:47:50,168
Always touchin' it.
1072
00:47:50,201 --> 00:47:52,170
Always touchin' it,
touchin' it, touchin' it.
1073
00:47:52,203 --> 00:47:54,705
What do you-- what are you do--
Are you cleaning it off,
1074
00:47:54,739 --> 00:47:57,943
like are you trying to get
three wishes out of it?
1075
00:47:59,444 --> 00:48:00,445
Leave it alone.
1076
00:48:00,478 --> 00:48:03,681
Just let it just dry off.
1077
00:48:06,651 --> 00:48:07,452
You know what that means,
right?
1078
00:48:07,485 --> 00:48:08,619
You're always touching
your dicks.
1079
00:48:08,653 --> 00:48:10,421
You know what that means--
you got dick on your hands--
1080
00:48:10,455 --> 00:48:11,456
all of you.
1081
00:48:11,489 --> 00:48:13,124
You have dick, dick, dick,
dick, dicking hands.
1082
00:48:13,158 --> 00:48:14,225
All of you.
1083
00:48:15,560 --> 00:48:16,761
You see guys know that.
1084
00:48:16,794 --> 00:48:17,728
Guys are in on it.
1085
00:48:17,762 --> 00:48:18,763
That's why guys are
always giving each other
1086
00:48:18,796 --> 00:48:20,131
the fist pump.
1087
00:48:23,401 --> 00:48:24,702
They know, you know.
1088
00:48:26,804 --> 00:48:28,406
Did you ever see two guys
walk towards each other?
1089
00:48:28,439 --> 00:48:30,141
Like hey man, what's up, man?
Yeah, yeah.
1090
00:48:30,175 --> 00:48:31,076
Oh, yeah, yeah.
1091
00:48:31,109 --> 00:48:32,410
I've been touching
my dick today, too, man.
1092
00:48:34,845 --> 00:48:36,114
Yeah, we both got dicks.
1093
00:48:36,147 --> 00:48:37,315
We got dicks.
1094
00:48:38,516 --> 00:48:39,450
Like that's like
your whole day.
1095
00:48:39,484 --> 00:48:44,689
Just like eh, eh, eh,
eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.
1096
00:48:53,831 --> 00:48:56,101
That's the trick.
That is the trick of dating
1097
00:48:56,134 --> 00:48:57,402
is that when you get
back out there,
1098
00:48:57,435 --> 00:48:59,837
you've got to see all these
new dicks, you know?
1099
00:48:59,870 --> 00:49:02,240
I know, it's a lot.
1100
00:49:02,273 --> 00:49:03,741
Like when you live
with someone for awhile
1101
00:49:03,774 --> 00:49:04,609
or you're married,
1102
00:49:04,642 --> 00:49:06,344
you get used to
their dick, you know?
1103
00:49:06,377 --> 00:49:07,512
It's like it grows on you.
1104
00:49:07,545 --> 00:49:09,014
It's like a basset hound--
1105
00:49:09,014 --> 00:49:11,316
like it's ugly
but it's yours.
1106
00:49:13,618 --> 00:49:14,619
You know.
1107
00:49:16,921 --> 00:49:19,924
It'll come over and like
hey, what are you doing?
1108
00:49:21,226 --> 00:49:23,261
You're like hi, dick,
what's u-up?
1109
00:49:24,229 --> 00:49:25,196
Do you want to hang out?
1110
00:49:25,230 --> 00:49:27,598
No, not really.
1111
00:49:27,632 --> 00:49:28,566
But when you're single,
1112
00:49:28,599 --> 00:49:30,535
man, you've got to see
all these new dicks.
1113
00:49:30,568 --> 00:49:31,502
You know, you've got to,
1114
00:49:31,536 --> 00:49:33,771
you've got to really
get in there, you know.
1115
00:49:33,804 --> 00:49:35,306
But the problem is
when you see a new dick
1116
00:49:35,340 --> 00:49:36,174
because every new dick
1117
00:49:36,207 --> 00:49:41,346
is a whole new set
of WebMD searches.
1118
00:49:41,379 --> 00:49:42,847
You know. You've got to
inspect the new ones.
1119
00:49:42,880 --> 00:49:44,049
You've got to make sure
everything's legit.
1120
00:49:44,049 --> 00:49:46,317
You've got to make sure
everything's, you know, safe.
1121
00:49:46,351 --> 00:49:48,053
You know,
but the problem is
1122
00:49:48,053 --> 00:49:50,721
when you get that close
to a dick,
1123
00:49:50,755 --> 00:49:52,690
( SIGHS ) you're
that close to a dick.
1124
00:49:54,059 --> 00:49:57,228
You know what happens when
you're that close to a dick.
1125
00:49:57,262 --> 00:49:59,264
Yeah.
1126
00:49:59,297 --> 00:50:00,965
You've got to put that thing
in your mouth.
1127
00:50:03,034 --> 00:50:04,935
And it's not
because we want to--
1128
00:50:04,969 --> 00:50:08,306
it's because something happens
when a woman's face
1129
00:50:08,339 --> 00:50:12,343
is within like a foot
of a man's dick
1130
00:50:12,377 --> 00:50:14,479
where a hand
will come down...
1131
00:50:15,546 --> 00:50:18,383
( GROANS AND GRUNTS )
1132
00:50:19,784 --> 00:50:22,287
And you can't get out--
it moves with you.
1133
00:50:23,788 --> 00:50:26,324
( GROANS AND GRUNTS )
1134
00:50:26,357 --> 00:50:27,625
Oh shit!
1135
00:50:27,658 --> 00:50:30,928
( GROANS )
1136
00:50:33,398 --> 00:50:34,865
Fine!
1137
00:50:38,636 --> 00:50:40,305
That is so rude!
1138
00:50:42,640 --> 00:50:44,275
Man, I don't mean to be
mean about it--
1139
00:50:44,309 --> 00:50:45,543
I just feel like
you guys don't see it
1140
00:50:45,576 --> 00:50:47,011
from our perspective,
you know.
1141
00:50:47,044 --> 00:50:48,879
You don't see what we see.
1142
00:50:48,913 --> 00:50:49,747
You know,
we've got to see
1143
00:50:49,780 --> 00:50:52,483
this super weird
transformation happen
1144
00:50:52,517 --> 00:50:54,752
that is so creepy,
you know.
1145
00:50:54,785 --> 00:50:55,820
Here's the thing--
1146
00:50:55,853 --> 00:51:03,128
anything that changes
in shape, size, and color
1147
00:51:03,161 --> 00:51:06,964
without your permission
is a little fucking weird.
1148
00:51:06,997 --> 00:51:07,998
You know.
1149
00:51:08,032 --> 00:51:09,800
Like from our point of view,
it is terrifying.
1150
00:51:09,834 --> 00:51:11,469
Like this is what it looks like
from our point of view,
1151
00:51:11,502 --> 00:51:12,470
just so you guys know.
1152
00:51:12,503 --> 00:51:15,873
Okay, it'll start out
1153
00:51:15,906 --> 00:51:17,742
just hanging, chilling.
1154
00:51:19,744 --> 00:51:21,779
You're touchin' it,
touchin' it.
1155
00:51:28,153 --> 00:51:29,687
Then you're like--
1156
00:51:29,720 --> 00:51:31,922
it'll hear like a noise or...
1157
00:51:38,829 --> 00:51:39,930
Um?
1158
00:51:53,511 --> 00:51:56,581
( APPLAUSE )
1159
00:51:59,717 --> 00:52:01,552
"Would you like to play?"
1160
00:52:03,521 --> 00:52:05,089
I love you guys.
Thank you so much
1161
00:52:05,190 --> 00:52:08,526
for coming down
for the show, everybody.
1162
00:52:08,559 --> 00:52:09,527
Thank you.
1163
00:52:09,560 --> 00:52:11,196
( APPLAUSE )
1164
00:52:11,229 --> 00:52:13,998
( WHISTLES )
1165
00:52:47,031 --> 00:52:50,134
I just want to say I really
appreciate you guys coming out.
1166
00:52:50,235 --> 00:52:52,270
Standup is my favorite thing
to do in the world
1167
00:52:52,303 --> 00:52:53,238
and I do it for you guys.
1168
00:52:53,238 --> 00:52:55,706
So, thank you so much
for supporting me.
1169
00:52:55,740 --> 00:52:58,008
I love you very much.
1170
00:52:58,042 --> 00:53:01,546
( APPLAUSE )
1171
00:53:01,579 --> 00:53:04,649
( MUSIC PLAYING )
1172
00:53:05,883 --> 00:53:07,918
Bye, everybody.
1173
00:55:18,449 --> 00:55:18,516
( MUSIC FADES OUT )
83494
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