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00:00:01,238 --> 00:00:03,305
Emcee 1:
... to say that you saw her
in a laundromat.
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00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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00:00:03,374 --> 00:00:05,975
Put your hands together big
for Marcella Arguello!
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00:00:06,044 --> 00:00:09,111
(applause, cheering)
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00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000
Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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00:00:09,180 --> 00:00:11,514
Emcee 2:
Marcella Arguello!
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00:00:11,583 --> 00:00:12,814
Hey, what's up, guys?
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00:00:12,882 --> 00:00:15,217
Emcee 3:
She's one of my best friends.
Let's hear it for
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00:00:15,286 --> 00:00:19,088
-Ms. Marcella Arguello!
-(crowd cheering)
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00:00:19,157 --> 00:00:21,522
Okay, okay, okay!
Everybody, what's up?
11
00:00:21,591 --> 00:00:23,658
Make some noise.
What's up, what's up,
what's up?
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00:00:23,727 --> 00:00:25,293
Everybody make some noise.
Keep it going.
13
00:00:25,362 --> 00:00:28,030
Make some motherfucking noise!
14
00:00:28,099 --> 00:00:29,865
What's up, New York?
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00:00:29,934 --> 00:00:33,438
(applause, cheering)
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00:00:34,604 --> 00:00:37,072
What's up, y'all?
My name is Marcella.
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00:00:37,141 --> 00:00:39,875
I'm very tall for a woman,
bitch. Take it in, okay?
18
00:00:39,944 --> 00:00:41,546
-(cheering)
-Yeah.
19
00:00:42,781 --> 00:00:44,145
I'm 6'2".
I'm gonna go over
20
00:00:44,214 --> 00:00:48,283
-a few things I don't wanna
be asked ever again, okay?
-(laughter)
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00:00:48,352 --> 00:00:50,753
I don't play basketball,
I don't play volleyball,
22
00:00:50,822 --> 00:00:51,854
I'm not a model,
23
00:00:51,923 --> 00:00:53,255
and since I have
everybody's attention,
24
00:00:53,324 --> 00:00:55,224
just wanna let you all know
25
00:00:55,293 --> 00:00:57,259
the tops of your refrigerators
are fucking disgusting.
26
00:00:57,328 --> 00:00:58,994
(laughter, applause)
27
00:00:59,063 --> 00:01:01,157
Clean 'em up!
28
00:01:01,226 --> 00:01:05,367
They're all greasy and dusty
and shit. What's that about?
29
00:01:05,436 --> 00:01:08,037
I get mistaken for a man
sometimes. It's all good.
30
00:01:08,106 --> 00:01:09,633
I don't care.
I'm very confident.
31
00:01:09,702 --> 00:01:11,374
I don't give a fuck, right?
32
00:01:11,443 --> 00:01:12,908
(laughter)
33
00:01:12,977 --> 00:01:14,543
But sometimes,
it hurts my feelings.
34
00:01:14,612 --> 00:01:15,878
(laughter)
35
00:01:15,947 --> 00:01:17,312
When I was flying out
to New York,
36
00:01:17,381 --> 00:01:19,014
as soon as we land-- Now,
37
00:01:19,083 --> 00:01:21,749
I don't look like this
when I fly, right?
38
00:01:21,818 --> 00:01:25,153
I'm, like, sweatpants,
you know, sneakers,
baggy T-shirt,
39
00:01:25,222 --> 00:01:28,423
hair pulled back,
glasses, mask, right? No makeup.
40
00:01:28,492 --> 00:01:31,626
And so, when we land
in New York,
41
00:01:31,695 --> 00:01:34,362
the woman across the aisle,
she-- she props up.
42
00:01:34,431 --> 00:01:37,365
She's a tiny woman.
She props up out of her chair.
43
00:01:37,434 --> 00:01:38,667
You know, she's getting her bag,
44
00:01:38,736 --> 00:01:41,173
but she starts struggling
with her bag.
45
00:01:43,573 --> 00:01:46,345
And then this
fine-ass Black guy
46
00:01:47,144 --> 00:01:48,839
helps her with her bag.
47
00:01:48,908 --> 00:01:50,946
And I was like,
I'm gonna struggle.
48
00:01:51,015 --> 00:01:53,082
(laughter, applause)
49
00:01:53,151 --> 00:01:54,786
With my bag, right?
50
00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:59,221
But like I said, I didn't
look like this, right?
51
00:01:59,290 --> 00:02:01,022
So, I get up, and I'm like,
52
00:02:01,091 --> 00:02:03,528
-"Oh." (pouty sigh)
-(laughter)
53
00:02:04,795 --> 00:02:07,127
"My little wrist.
54
00:02:07,632 --> 00:02:08,964
Owie!"
55
00:02:09,033 --> 00:02:11,100
(groans) And he looks at me.
He's like,
56
00:02:11,169 --> 00:02:12,801
"You got that, bro?"
57
00:02:12,870 --> 00:02:14,970
(laughter)
58
00:02:15,039 --> 00:02:16,105
I didn't give a fuck.
I was like,
59
00:02:16,174 --> 00:02:18,173
"Yeah, it's all good, dog!
60
00:02:18,242 --> 00:02:19,878
-Don't even trip."
-(applause)
61
00:02:21,278 --> 00:02:23,278
I am Latina.
Any Latinos in the house?
62
00:02:23,347 --> 00:02:26,782
-(cheering, applause)
-Nice.
63
00:02:26,851 --> 00:02:28,517
Yeah.
64
00:02:28,586 --> 00:02:31,086
I'm a-- I'm a very proud Latina.
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00:02:31,155 --> 00:02:32,855
I'm a very proud Latina.
Um...
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00:02:32,924 --> 00:02:34,184
And it was-- it was--
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00:02:34,253 --> 00:02:36,524
It's funny because, you know,
because of how I look,
68
00:02:36,593 --> 00:02:38,793
people don't think
I'm Latina, right?
69
00:02:38,862 --> 00:02:41,696
I once, when I worked as
a bank teller, I had this woman.
70
00:02:41,765 --> 00:02:43,565
A lot of people think I'm mixed
with Black and white,
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00:02:43,634 --> 00:02:45,300
especially in California.
In New York, y'all know.
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00:02:45,369 --> 00:02:47,602
Y'all don't get it fucked up
in New York. Y'all know.
73
00:02:47,671 --> 00:02:49,638
You guys got everything in
New York, so you're just like,
74
00:02:49,707 --> 00:02:53,608
"Ah, mija !" Right?
As soon as they see me. "Ah!"
75
00:02:53,677 --> 00:02:55,911
But in California, they're--
if you don't look Mexican,
they're like,
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00:02:55,980 --> 00:02:59,148
-"What?"
-(laughter)
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00:02:59,217 --> 00:03:02,317
So, I'm working as
a teller, uh, in Cali,
78
00:03:02,386 --> 00:03:05,320
and this customer,
her account was all fucked up,
79
00:03:05,389 --> 00:03:08,990
and she starts talking shit
about me in Spanish
80
00:03:09,059 --> 00:03:11,726
-at the teller window
right in front of me, right?
-(booing)
81
00:03:11,795 --> 00:03:13,495
Probably thought I was mixed
Black and white.
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00:03:13,564 --> 00:03:15,597
Probably didn't know
I spoke Spanish.
83
00:03:15,666 --> 00:03:18,166
So, she's talking shit. And as
soon as she finishes, I'm like,
84
00:03:18,235 --> 00:03:19,634
"Oh, I'm sorry. (laughs)
85
00:03:19,703 --> 00:03:22,307
"Looks like I won't be able to
help you with this account..."
86
00:03:25,243 --> 00:03:28,313
(applause, cheering)
87
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:33,414
So, she was upset.
She was upset.
88
00:03:33,483 --> 00:03:35,751
She's upset.
She goes up to my manager.
89
00:03:35,820 --> 00:03:38,353
She's like, "Oh, my God!
90
00:03:38,422 --> 00:03:40,756
This young woman just called me
an old bitch in Spanish."
91
00:03:40,825 --> 00:03:42,958
And my manager was like,
"(gasps) Wha...
92
00:03:43,027 --> 00:03:45,393
She is Black and white!
She don't speak Spanish!"
93
00:03:45,462 --> 00:03:48,196
I was like... (imitates airhorn)
94
00:03:48,265 --> 00:03:50,132
Wu-Tang is for the children!
95
00:03:50,201 --> 00:03:52,771
Bobby Digital!
(beeping) Um...
96
00:03:54,138 --> 00:03:57,740
-Stupid bitch. Um...
-(laughter)
97
00:03:57,809 --> 00:03:59,675
It's crazy though because,
like, you know,
98
00:03:59,744 --> 00:04:01,243
Latinos, we're everything,
right?
99
00:04:01,312 --> 00:04:03,378
We're the blackest Black,
we're the whitest white.
100
00:04:03,447 --> 00:04:05,647
We look like every--
We are everybody, right?
101
00:04:05,716 --> 00:04:09,284
That's why we're
taking over, girl, ha! Um...
102
00:04:09,353 --> 00:04:11,018
But it's-it's a mind-fuck
in Hollywood, too,
103
00:04:11,087 --> 00:04:13,521
because, like Sofia Vergara--
I don't know if you guys know,
104
00:04:13,590 --> 00:04:15,758
but Sofia Vergara,
when she got "Modern Family,"
105
00:04:15,827 --> 00:04:18,427
it was because
she dyed her hair brown,
106
00:04:18,496 --> 00:04:20,895
so she could look
"more Latina," right?
107
00:04:20,964 --> 00:04:23,559
Which is crazy. That's fucked up
that she had to do that.
108
00:04:23,628 --> 00:04:26,301
And then when she got the role
on "Modern Family,"
what happened?
109
00:04:26,370 --> 00:04:28,671
The Latinos gave her backlash
110
00:04:28,740 --> 00:04:30,705
because she was
"too stereotypical."
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00:04:30,774 --> 00:04:32,608
They didn't like the way
she represented Latinos.
112
00:04:32,677 --> 00:04:34,009
And I was like, (clicks tongue)
113
00:04:34,078 --> 00:04:36,779
I got a lot of family members
that act like her, okay?
114
00:04:36,848 --> 00:04:38,580
(laughter)
115
00:04:38,649 --> 00:04:41,686
Yeah, it's my gay Uncles
pero still, you know, like?
116
00:04:43,020 --> 00:04:45,057
They deserve representation.
117
00:04:48,025 --> 00:04:50,992
So, because I grew up
in a conservative, uh, town,
118
00:04:51,061 --> 00:04:53,462
I-- you know,
I don't identify as white.
I don't.
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00:04:53,531 --> 00:04:56,331
I identify as white-passing,
and the difference
120
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,533
between white
and white-passing
121
00:04:58,602 --> 00:05:01,870
is that I would never put
my parents in a nursing home.
122
00:05:01,939 --> 00:05:04,006
-Um...
-(applause)
123
00:05:04,075 --> 00:05:07,710
-(laughs) Oh shit.
-(cheering)
124
00:05:07,779 --> 00:05:09,014
Thank you.
125
00:05:10,414 --> 00:05:12,481
Hey, man, shout out to
all y'all for coming out.
126
00:05:12,550 --> 00:05:13,748
We appreciate you.
127
00:05:13,817 --> 00:05:15,350
I can't have you guys
applauding every joke.
128
00:05:15,419 --> 00:05:17,652
-I don't got that kind of time.
Please don't do that.
-(laughter)
129
00:05:17,721 --> 00:05:19,788
Just laugh. I-I don't wanna
fuckin' fuck my shit up
130
00:05:19,857 --> 00:05:22,494
'cause y'all are too excited.
Um...
131
00:05:23,593 --> 00:05:25,756
-(laughs)
-(laughter, indistinct yell)
132
00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:28,230
I know, girl. Um...
133
00:05:28,299 --> 00:05:31,467
So, the pandemic fucked
shit up, right?
134
00:05:31,536 --> 00:05:32,768
I think it-- it changed me.
135
00:05:32,837 --> 00:05:34,169
I don't know if it
changed you, guys.
136
00:05:34,238 --> 00:05:36,571
I appreciate you guys
all coming out.
137
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,408
You guys aren't wearing masks.
What is wrong with you?
138
00:05:38,477 --> 00:05:39,407
I don't know.
139
00:05:39,476 --> 00:05:42,343
Shout out to you, sir.
Thank you.
140
00:05:42,412 --> 00:05:44,612
Um, but the pandemic
changed me.
141
00:05:44,681 --> 00:05:46,447
Remember at the begin--
It's been so long, right?
142
00:05:46,516 --> 00:05:48,016
It's been so long.
Remember at the beginning,
143
00:05:48,085 --> 00:05:51,019
people were posting
stupid shit on social media?
144
00:05:51,088 --> 00:05:53,088
I had hella friends just
posting the dumbest shit.
145
00:05:53,157 --> 00:05:54,589
I had one friend that was like,
146
00:05:54,658 --> 00:05:57,226
(mocking):
"I just cut my own hair
for the first time ever.
147
00:05:57,295 --> 00:05:58,793
Hashtag bangs."
148
00:05:58,862 --> 00:06:01,696
-(laughter)
-I had another homegirl
who was like,
149
00:06:01,765 --> 00:06:04,132
(mocking):
"Just painted my own nails
for the first time ever.
150
00:06:04,201 --> 00:06:06,668
-Hashtag DIY."
-(laughter)
151
00:06:06,737 --> 00:06:08,403
I had a homeboy who was like,
152
00:06:08,472 --> 00:06:10,738
"Just cooked every meal for
the first time this week
153
00:06:10,807 --> 00:06:13,276
in my whole life." I was like,
have you guys never been broke?
154
00:06:13,345 --> 00:06:14,575
(laughter)
155
00:06:14,644 --> 00:06:17,247
Hashtag hella broke.
You guys never been broke, ever?
156
00:06:17,316 --> 00:06:18,914
Okay. Alright.
157
00:06:18,983 --> 00:06:21,016
I know who I'm gonna
hit up for bail money.
158
00:06:21,085 --> 00:06:22,617
(laughter, applause)
159
00:06:22,686 --> 00:06:24,753
And then, the vaccine
rollout happened,
160
00:06:24,822 --> 00:06:26,655
and I was so excited,
you know,
161
00:06:26,724 --> 00:06:29,692
because being single during
the pandemic was rough, right?
162
00:06:29,761 --> 00:06:31,860
-(audience agreeing)
-It was rough!
163
00:06:31,929 --> 00:06:33,729
Me and all my homegirls
were so excited
164
00:06:33,798 --> 00:06:34,997
when the vaccine
rollout happened.
165
00:06:35,066 --> 00:06:36,531
We were just like
in the group chat, like,
166
00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,233
"Oh, I can't wait
to get back out there."
167
00:06:38,302 --> 00:06:41,097
"Yeah, me--"
Bitch, I was so desperate,
168
00:06:41,166 --> 00:06:43,439
I almost ordered
a male sex robot.
169
00:06:43,508 --> 00:06:45,235
(laughter)
170
00:06:45,304 --> 00:06:46,608
That's where I was at,
but with my luck,
171
00:06:46,677 --> 00:06:48,711
it was gonna show up
and be 5'6".
172
00:06:48,780 --> 00:06:50,212
(laughter)
173
00:06:50,281 --> 00:06:51,480
I turn it on, it be like,
174
00:06:51,549 --> 00:06:54,116
(robotic):
"I am 5'9". Beep, boop, boop."
175
00:06:54,185 --> 00:06:57,417
(applause, laughter)
176
00:06:58,255 --> 00:06:59,554
I don't know why, y'all men,
177
00:06:59,623 --> 00:07:01,156
you guys always lie
about your height.
178
00:07:01,225 --> 00:07:02,892
I don't know
what that's about.
179
00:07:02,961 --> 00:07:04,659
Men lie so much
about their height,
180
00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:07,896
they accuse me of
being seven feet tall.
181
00:07:07,965 --> 00:07:09,531
(laughter)
182
00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:11,866
That's happened
more than three times.
183
00:07:11,935 --> 00:07:15,204
You realize how
fucked up that is?
Anyways, alright.
184
00:07:15,273 --> 00:07:19,041
So, I was getting--
I was getting thirsty, man.
It was hard.
185
00:07:19,110 --> 00:07:20,676
And then, in the group chat,
we were all like,
186
00:07:20,745 --> 00:07:21,877
I just wanna get
back out there.
187
00:07:21,946 --> 00:07:23,612
I'm gonna join the dating
websites. Me, too.
188
00:07:23,681 --> 00:07:24,780
And one of my homegirls
was like,
189
00:07:24,849 --> 00:07:27,086
"Marcella,
I just miss kissing."
190
00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:29,418
(laughter)
191
00:07:29,487 --> 00:07:31,186
I was like, "It's been
two years, bitch.
192
00:07:31,255 --> 00:07:33,155
I wanna be railed into a wall."
193
00:07:33,224 --> 00:07:36,091
(applause, laughter)
194
00:07:36,160 --> 00:07:38,761
I want a dude to blow
my back out so hard.
195
00:07:38,830 --> 00:07:42,067
my scoliosis reverses,
you feel me?
196
00:07:44,902 --> 00:07:46,634
God damn.
197
00:07:46,703 --> 00:07:49,604
Kissing. I don't even kiss
one-night stands.
198
00:07:49,673 --> 00:07:52,174
I had a one-night stand try
to kiss me once. I was like,
199
00:07:52,243 --> 00:07:54,076
"Sir, ew! I don't know you!"
200
00:07:54,145 --> 00:07:57,012
(laughter)
201
00:07:57,081 --> 00:08:00,148
-Now, let's go raw dog, come on.
-(applause)
202
00:08:00,217 --> 00:08:03,186
Oh, we got some hoes in
the audience tonight. Nice.
203
00:08:03,255 --> 00:08:04,554
(cheering)
204
00:08:04,623 --> 00:08:06,754
-Yeah.
-(cheering continues)
205
00:08:06,823 --> 00:08:11,293
Alright, relax, you
thirsty-ass bitches. God damn.
206
00:08:11,362 --> 00:08:14,629
Uh, and I-- you know what I miss
about the before times, though,
207
00:08:14,698 --> 00:08:16,665
-is going out dancing.
-(sad groans)
208
00:08:16,734 --> 00:08:18,266
That's-- All the girls got sad.
209
00:08:18,335 --> 00:08:20,135
-(laughter)
-I know! I miss it!
210
00:08:20,204 --> 00:08:22,470
I miss going out dancing.
I used to go every week.
211
00:08:22,539 --> 00:08:24,973
It was so fun,
and I miss going out dancing.
212
00:08:25,042 --> 00:08:28,075
Um, I-I-- My favorite is going
to gay clubs, right?
213
00:08:28,144 --> 00:08:31,379
I love going to gay clubs 'cause
gay men love straight women.
They love--
214
00:08:31,448 --> 00:08:33,015
You could walk in,
looking like shit.
215
00:08:33,084 --> 00:08:35,550
-I've done it before.
-(laughter)
216
00:08:35,619 --> 00:08:37,086
And one time--
It's a safe space, right?
217
00:08:37,155 --> 00:08:38,786
They're not gon--
They're not there
to bug you, right?
218
00:08:38,855 --> 00:08:40,923
You can just do whatever.
You can smell however you want.
219
00:08:40,992 --> 00:08:41,957
No one cares.
220
00:08:42,026 --> 00:08:43,558
I one time walked
into a gay club,
221
00:08:43,627 --> 00:08:45,693
looking like straight-up shit
head-to-toe,
222
00:08:45,762 --> 00:08:47,662
and as soon as I walked in,
this little queen was like,
223
00:08:47,731 --> 00:08:50,666
"Yes, girl!
You serving hobo realness!"
224
00:08:50,735 --> 00:08:53,468
-(applause)
-(laughs)
225
00:08:53,537 --> 00:08:56,972
I was like, "Thank you!
Thank you."
226
00:08:57,041 --> 00:08:58,534
But I hate going
to straight clubs
227
00:08:58,603 --> 00:09:01,876
'cause, men, y'all have lost
your sense of decorum.
228
00:09:01,945 --> 00:09:04,180
Motherfuckers went from,
"May I have this dance," to...
229
00:09:04,249 --> 00:09:05,809
(grunting)
230
00:09:05,878 --> 00:09:07,082
(laughter)
231
00:09:07,151 --> 00:09:09,651
(grunting)
232
00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:12,087
Just shit-faced drunk,
just thrusting their genitals.
233
00:09:12,156 --> 00:09:15,023
-They're doing (blubbering).
-(laughter)
234
00:09:15,092 --> 00:09:17,287
You're just minding
your business with your girl,
235
00:09:17,356 --> 00:09:18,693
doing the little
junior high circle,
236
00:09:18,762 --> 00:09:21,996
-minding your business, right?
-(laughter)
237
00:09:22,065 --> 00:09:24,533
And they just, (grunting)--
"Oh, my God! Is that a mosquito?
238
00:09:24,602 --> 00:09:27,368
-Ah!"
-(applause)
239
00:09:27,437 --> 00:09:29,637
And straight dudes
are tenacious.
240
00:09:29,706 --> 00:09:31,673
It's a numbers game for
straight men. They're like,
241
00:09:31,742 --> 00:09:33,441
"Oh my bad, my bad."
And they just move on.
242
00:09:33,510 --> 00:09:36,916
-(blubbering)
-(laughter)
243
00:09:37,782 --> 00:09:39,381
"Oh, no, my bad,
my bad, my bad."
244
00:09:39,450 --> 00:09:41,483
-(grunting)
-(laughter)
245
00:09:41,552 --> 00:09:42,988
(blubbering)
246
00:09:45,256 --> 00:09:47,222
And then when you try to be
like, "Oh, no, thank you,"
247
00:09:47,291 --> 00:09:48,690
they're just, they just...
248
00:09:48,759 --> 00:09:50,058
"Hey, you don't have
to play hard to get."
249
00:09:50,127 --> 00:09:52,295
Sir, you're playing
hard to get away from!
250
00:09:52,364 --> 00:09:53,628
(applause)
251
00:09:53,697 --> 00:09:57,467
Leave me alone.
No means no, Bill Cosby. Um...
252
00:09:57,536 --> 00:10:00,135
(shocked groans)
253
00:10:00,204 --> 00:10:02,438
If that's what you're
offended by, just buckle up.
254
00:10:02,507 --> 00:10:03,939
(laughter)
255
00:10:04,008 --> 00:10:07,409
I got some shit in
the second half. Alright, um...
256
00:10:07,478 --> 00:10:09,711
But I do.
I miss going out dancing.
257
00:10:09,780 --> 00:10:11,213
I, uh... (laughs)
258
00:10:11,282 --> 00:10:13,882
I one time had a guy
approach me at the bar.
259
00:10:13,951 --> 00:10:17,152
He comes right up to me.
He's like,
"I been watchin' you."
260
00:10:17,221 --> 00:10:19,658
Which is a bad start,
right, ladies?
261
00:10:20,325 --> 00:10:22,691
Creepy as fuck.
262
00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:25,527
He's like, "You're very tall."
263
00:10:25,596 --> 00:10:28,964
I was like, cool, he has
eyeballs? I don't...
264
00:10:29,033 --> 00:10:31,166
He's like, "You don't move
like a tall person."
265
00:10:31,235 --> 00:10:33,501
-What the fuck does that mean?
-(laughter)
266
00:10:33,570 --> 00:10:34,970
Does he expect me
to walk in the room
267
00:10:35,039 --> 00:10:36,939
and just start dunking on fools?
268
00:10:37,008 --> 00:10:38,907
(laughter)
269
00:10:38,976 --> 00:10:41,410
Soon as I walk in, every room
I walk into, I'm like,
270
00:10:41,479 --> 00:10:43,546
"Hey, guys,
I'm here from downtown!"
271
00:10:43,615 --> 00:10:46,114
(applause)
272
00:10:46,183 --> 00:10:48,984
"What's up, y'all?
Boom-shakalaka!
273
00:10:49,053 --> 00:10:53,088
She's on fire!" I don't know
what I'm doing wrong.
274
00:10:53,157 --> 00:10:55,924
I once had a guy roll up on me.
Literally. He's in a wheelchair.
275
00:10:55,993 --> 00:10:58,493
-He rolls up.
-(laughter)
276
00:10:58,562 --> 00:11:00,863
I'm so excited.
I don't have a type.
277
00:11:00,932 --> 00:11:02,665
I really don't.
Short, tall, fat, skinny.
278
00:11:02,734 --> 00:11:03,865
I don't give a fuck.
You got a dick?
279
00:11:03,934 --> 00:11:05,501
I wanna see it,
I wanna smell it.
280
00:11:05,570 --> 00:11:08,807
(applause)
281
00:11:09,674 --> 00:11:11,241
I'm like a curious puppy.
282
00:11:11,310 --> 00:11:14,213
(rapid sniffing)
283
00:11:17,915 --> 00:11:21,116
So this fool rolls up.
I'm excited. He goes like this.
284
00:11:21,185 --> 00:11:23,318
I love confidence in a man.
When he goes like this,
285
00:11:23,387 --> 00:11:24,948
I'm like, oh, what's up?
286
00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:26,391
(laughter)
287
00:11:27,391 --> 00:11:28,623
And he says, and I quote,
288
00:11:28,692 --> 00:11:32,161
"You would be perfect
if you had a fat ass."
289
00:11:32,230 --> 00:11:33,996
(audience gasps)
290
00:11:34,065 --> 00:11:36,465
I was like,
"You don't have legs."
291
00:11:36,534 --> 00:11:39,134
(laughter)
292
00:11:39,203 --> 00:11:42,637
(applause)
293
00:11:42,706 --> 00:11:44,039
And I wasn't even
gonna bring it up!
294
00:11:44,108 --> 00:11:46,441
I had no problem
with this shit, right?
295
00:11:46,510 --> 00:11:48,477
I'm glad you guys
enjoyed that.
296
00:11:48,546 --> 00:11:50,045
(laughter)
297
00:11:50,114 --> 00:11:51,881
For anybody at home
who's watching
298
00:11:51,950 --> 00:11:53,543
and is uptight about it,
just so you know,
299
00:11:53,612 --> 00:11:56,151
I'm not the bad guy
in that story, okay?
300
00:11:56,220 --> 00:11:59,621
MLK taught me to judge people by
the content of their character.
301
00:11:59,690 --> 00:12:03,258
-That dude was a dick, right?
-(applause)
302
00:12:03,327 --> 00:12:05,160
Because think about it.
He could have been clever
303
00:12:05,229 --> 00:12:07,262
with this shit,
but he chose to neg me.
304
00:12:07,331 --> 00:12:08,697
I hate when men neg.
305
00:12:08,766 --> 00:12:10,132
For-- Young women,
do not fall for negging.
306
00:12:10,201 --> 00:12:13,301
Negging is when a man includes
a insult in his compliment.
307
00:12:13,370 --> 00:12:15,737
That's not a compliment.
Just say I'm perfect.
308
00:12:15,806 --> 00:12:17,472
We both know that's not true.
Who gives a fuck?
309
00:12:17,541 --> 00:12:18,908
Are you trying to fuck or not?
310
00:12:18,977 --> 00:12:21,813
(applause, laughter)
311
00:12:22,447 --> 00:12:23,639
Right?
312
00:12:23,708 --> 00:12:25,647
And he could have been clever
with this shit.
313
00:12:25,716 --> 00:12:27,615
He could've fucking rolled up,
did this,
314
00:12:27,684 --> 00:12:29,885
I would've been like,
"What's up?"
He could've been like,
315
00:12:29,954 --> 00:12:32,120
"You ain't got no ass.
I ain't got no legs.
316
00:12:32,189 --> 00:12:34,155
Together,
we make a whole person."
317
00:12:34,224 --> 00:12:36,219
-(cheering)
-I'd have been like,
318
00:12:36,288 --> 00:12:38,261
"Oh, shit, let's go!"
319
00:12:38,330 --> 00:12:41,366
(applause)
320
00:12:44,468 --> 00:12:47,663
-Your guys' clapping
is stressing me out. Um...
-(laughter)
321
00:12:47,732 --> 00:12:51,206
I don't like it.
You guys are too lit right now!
322
00:12:51,275 --> 00:12:53,773
I'm good, huh?
That's the problem. Um.
323
00:12:54,646 --> 00:12:56,479
(laughing)
324
00:12:56,548 --> 00:12:58,013
(applause)
325
00:12:58,082 --> 00:13:00,049
They got it. They heard it.
326
00:13:00,118 --> 00:13:01,616
But ever since
I was a little girl,
327
00:13:01,685 --> 00:13:03,585
I always wanted a man
to approach me
328
00:13:03,654 --> 00:13:07,388
the way Michael Jackson used
to approach women in his videos.
329
00:13:07,457 --> 00:13:09,892
That's all I ever wanted.
Ever since I was a little girl,
330
00:13:09,961 --> 00:13:12,064
I just wanted a guy
to be all like--
331
00:13:12,697 --> 00:13:15,935
(laughter)
332
00:13:19,904 --> 00:13:23,639
"What's your name?
(imitating Michael Jackson)
333
00:13:23,708 --> 00:13:26,274
(laughter)
334
00:13:26,343 --> 00:13:27,109
(sings high note)
335
00:13:27,178 --> 00:13:30,415
(imitating Michael Jackson)
336
00:13:33,251 --> 00:13:35,587
(laughter)
337
00:13:36,754 --> 00:13:39,992
(applause)
338
00:13:43,461 --> 00:13:44,727
"Can I buy you a drink?
339
00:13:44,796 --> 00:13:46,328
(laughter)
340
00:13:46,397 --> 00:13:49,565
Vodka tonic? Be right back."
Just moonwalks.
341
00:13:49,634 --> 00:13:51,734
(laughter, applause)
342
00:13:51,803 --> 00:13:53,438
Into my heart. Okay.
343
00:13:55,306 --> 00:13:56,341
(laughs)
344
00:13:57,742 --> 00:13:59,011
(laughs)
345
00:14:00,712 --> 00:14:02,878
This is too much. Um...
346
00:14:02,947 --> 00:14:05,381
Anybody drunk?
I'm fuckin' lit,
bitch, right up.
347
00:14:05,450 --> 00:14:08,184
(cheering)
348
00:14:08,253 --> 00:14:09,150
(sighs)
349
00:14:09,219 --> 00:14:11,120
But here's the thing.
I realized
350
00:14:11,189 --> 00:14:13,588
that I don't want
all that shit, right?
351
00:14:13,657 --> 00:14:16,125
I was like, I don't--
I miss going out dancing,
352
00:14:16,194 --> 00:14:19,394
but I don't-- I don't miss
these dudes, right?
353
00:14:19,463 --> 00:14:22,197
And I was like,
I need to work on myself.
354
00:14:22,266 --> 00:14:24,500
Because the truth is I'm 37,
355
00:14:24,569 --> 00:14:26,134
and I've been single
356
00:14:26,203 --> 00:14:28,704
-all those 37 years.
-(laughter)
357
00:14:28,773 --> 00:14:31,073
And during the pandemic,
I was like,
358
00:14:31,142 --> 00:14:32,741
"Oh, shit, it's me."
359
00:14:32,810 --> 00:14:34,776
(laughter)
360
00:14:34,845 --> 00:14:36,078
It's me. I'm the problem.
And, bitch,
361
00:14:36,147 --> 00:14:39,281
if you're not laughing,
girl, it's you.
362
00:14:39,350 --> 00:14:41,617
You need to work on yourself.
You need to do some
self-reflecting--
363
00:14:41,686 --> 00:14:44,853
-Don't point at her!
-(laughter)
364
00:14:44,922 --> 00:14:46,558
Oh, it's you. (laughs)
365
00:14:47,625 --> 00:14:49,759
And she said, "It's us."
366
00:14:49,828 --> 00:14:51,594
It's her and I.
367
00:14:51,663 --> 00:14:53,396
We, too, are the problem.
368
00:14:53,465 --> 00:14:54,964
(laughter)
369
00:14:55,033 --> 00:14:57,633
That goofy-ass outfit,
of course, you're single. Um...
370
00:14:57,702 --> 00:15:00,469
Audience:
Oh!
371
00:15:00,538 --> 00:15:03,175
(applause)
372
00:15:04,809 --> 00:15:07,609
Me deflecting your kisses.
Ah! Ah!
373
00:15:07,678 --> 00:15:09,912
Uh, and I realized I need
to work on myself, right?
374
00:15:09,981 --> 00:15:12,280
I was like, bitch,
it's time to grow up, right?
375
00:15:12,349 --> 00:15:14,883
And then I started thinking
about shit, how I am.
376
00:15:14,952 --> 00:15:17,319
I had an epiphany
when I was watching
377
00:15:17,388 --> 00:15:19,120
"Beauty and the Beast"
with my niece.
378
00:15:19,189 --> 00:15:20,621
Okay, it's her favorite movie.
379
00:15:20,690 --> 00:15:23,025
Of course, I grew up
in the '90s, right?
I love that movie.
380
00:15:23,094 --> 00:15:26,327
So we're watching it,
and we get to that scene where,
381
00:15:26,396 --> 00:15:28,363
you know,
Belle has that realization,
382
00:15:28,432 --> 00:15:30,665
and the snowball fight scene,
you know what I'm talking about?
383
00:15:30,734 --> 00:15:33,068
Where she starts, like,
looking at him different.
384
00:15:33,137 --> 00:15:34,937
(scattered laughter)
385
00:15:35,006 --> 00:15:36,171
She starts realizing shit,
386
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:39,509
I was like, I start
realizing shit, you know?
387
00:15:39,578 --> 00:15:42,614
-I mean...
-(laughter)
388
00:15:43,581 --> 00:15:45,881
I'm coarse.
389
00:15:45,950 --> 00:15:47,750
I'm unrefined. I'm the Beast!
390
00:15:47,819 --> 00:15:50,055
-No!
-(laughter)
391
00:15:51,221 --> 00:15:53,154
And I was like,
let me chill out.
392
00:15:53,223 --> 00:15:55,490
We kept watching
the movie, right?
393
00:15:55,559 --> 00:15:57,058
As we watched the movie,
I was like, oh!
394
00:15:57,127 --> 00:16:00,128
-I, too, slurp my oatmeal.
-(laughter)
395
00:16:00,197 --> 00:16:03,598
I also look good in a--
in a blue suit.
396
00:16:03,667 --> 00:16:05,700
I'm the Beast, right?
So I accepted that. I was like,
397
00:16:05,769 --> 00:16:07,698
that's who I am. I'm the Beast.
The next time I fucked a dude,
398
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:09,939
I was like,
"Yeah, kill the Beast!"
399
00:16:10,008 --> 00:16:13,108
Psht! Kill the Beast.
Psht! Be my guest.
400
00:16:13,177 --> 00:16:16,412
Psht! Put this pussy.
Psht! To the test.
401
00:16:16,481 --> 00:16:17,549
Psht! Okay.
402
00:16:18,744 --> 00:16:21,249
-(laughter continues)
-(laughs)
403
00:16:21,318 --> 00:16:23,553
That was for all
the Disney heads,
you know what I'm sayin'?
404
00:16:23,622 --> 00:16:25,190
(humming) Okay.
405
00:16:26,523 --> 00:16:28,423
So, I was like,
I gotta work on myself.
406
00:16:28,492 --> 00:16:30,825
And it's hard because,
you know, I--
407
00:16:30,894 --> 00:16:35,063
You know, I have, obviously,
a great sense of humor, right?
408
00:16:35,132 --> 00:16:36,264
And men, on the dating profiles,
409
00:16:36,333 --> 00:16:37,565
they always say
they want a woman
410
00:16:37,634 --> 00:16:39,400
with a good sense of humor.
They always say that.
411
00:16:39,469 --> 00:16:41,136
"I want a woman--"
But they don't!
412
00:16:41,205 --> 00:16:42,971
Because when men say
they want a woman
413
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:44,372
with a good sense of humor,
what they mean
414
00:16:44,441 --> 00:16:46,207
is they want a chick
whose boobs bounce
415
00:16:46,276 --> 00:16:48,478
when she laughs at his jokes.
416
00:16:48,547 --> 00:16:50,245
(laughter, applause)
417
00:16:50,314 --> 00:16:52,514
You see how the men
aren't clapping?
418
00:16:52,583 --> 00:16:54,716
The women are clapping
but the men aren't, okay?
419
00:16:54,785 --> 00:16:57,553
Because that's true.
They're like, "What?
No, come on."
420
00:16:57,622 --> 00:17:00,389
(laughter)
421
00:17:00,458 --> 00:17:02,524
So I was trying to watch-- I've
been trying to watch myself.
422
00:17:02,593 --> 00:17:05,556
I was looking at the last dude
that I was, I was talking to.
423
00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:07,462
I was like, what happened?
424
00:17:07,531 --> 00:17:09,634
And then, I looked at
our old text messages.
425
00:17:11,202 --> 00:17:14,439
This dude goes, "Marcella,
you have a beautiful face."
426
00:17:15,907 --> 00:17:17,472
And my response was,
427
00:17:17,541 --> 00:17:19,908
"I look like my dad.
Are you gay?"
428
00:17:19,977 --> 00:17:22,143
(laughter)
429
00:17:22,212 --> 00:17:24,580
No wonder it didn't work out.
430
00:17:24,649 --> 00:17:26,949
Gee whiz, right?
431
00:17:27,018 --> 00:17:28,383
So, I've been working
on myself, right?
432
00:17:28,452 --> 00:17:30,189
I'm trying to watch
my mouth a little bit.
433
00:17:31,789 --> 00:17:32,855
I'm dating a short guy right now
434
00:17:32,924 --> 00:17:34,423
because I don't have
a choice, right?
435
00:17:34,492 --> 00:17:35,523
(laughter)
436
00:17:35,592 --> 00:17:38,493
He's always asking me
for piggyback rides.
437
00:17:38,562 --> 00:17:41,700
Every time he hugs me, it looks
like a koala bear on a tree.
438
00:17:43,233 --> 00:17:45,433
It's all good.
I like how you guys are like,
439
00:17:45,502 --> 00:17:48,536
-"Come on, give him a chance."
-(laughter)
440
00:17:48,605 --> 00:17:50,072
I did give him a chance.
It's going on for a--
441
00:17:50,141 --> 00:17:51,506
It's been going on
for a minute now,
442
00:17:51,575 --> 00:17:54,877
-and we are in love,
okay? Yes!
-(cheering)
443
00:17:54,946 --> 00:17:56,778
I am in love!
444
00:17:56,847 --> 00:17:59,514
For the first time in my life--
No, wait, let me correct that.
445
00:17:59,583 --> 00:18:02,752
This is the first time
in my life someone
loves me back.
446
00:18:02,821 --> 00:18:04,586
Audience:
Aw...
447
00:18:04,655 --> 00:18:07,655
You see, the girls are like,
"Ooh, I feel that."
448
00:18:07,724 --> 00:18:10,162
You felt that right here,
bitch, huh?
449
00:18:10,895 --> 00:18:13,361
(laughs)
450
00:18:13,430 --> 00:18:15,898
And it's been great.
I'm-- I am enjoying it, but I--
451
00:18:15,967 --> 00:18:17,466
So I'm trying to like
watch my mouth.
452
00:18:17,535 --> 00:18:19,902
Not-- You know,
not when it counts,
but you know what I mean?
453
00:18:19,971 --> 00:18:21,336
(laughter)
454
00:18:21,405 --> 00:18:23,138
Like trying to watch what
I say out of my mouth,
455
00:18:23,207 --> 00:18:24,707
now what goes into it, right?
456
00:18:24,776 --> 00:18:26,374
(laughter)
457
00:18:26,443 --> 00:18:28,911
And so,
and the first time we had sex,
458
00:18:28,980 --> 00:18:30,713
I was trying to be mindful,
459
00:18:30,782 --> 00:18:32,384
and I took off my shirt.
460
00:18:33,050 --> 00:18:34,378
And he--
461
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:36,652
(laughter)
462
00:18:36,721 --> 00:18:39,154
Bitch, I-- Was that you?
463
00:18:39,223 --> 00:18:41,824
She went, "Okay."
464
00:18:41,893 --> 00:18:43,659
-She taking notes!
-(laughter)
465
00:18:43,728 --> 00:18:44,988
She's like, "Okay."
466
00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:47,630
Are you a bitch, too?
Is that the problem?
467
00:18:47,699 --> 00:18:49,031
Are you trying
to work on yourself
468
00:18:49,100 --> 00:18:50,369
because you're a bitch, too?
469
00:18:51,702 --> 00:18:54,303
-You're fucking sliding
into your chair.
-(laughter)
470
00:18:54,372 --> 00:18:56,066
What happened?
Let's talk about it.
471
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,901
What's wrong with you, girl?
No, just kidding.
472
00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,642
You're a bitch.
That's what it is. Okay.
473
00:18:59,711 --> 00:19:01,476
(laughter)
474
00:19:01,545 --> 00:19:03,845
So, the first time we're having
sex, I take off my shirt,
475
00:19:03,914 --> 00:19:08,050
and he was like, "Marcella,
you have incredible breasts."
476
00:19:08,119 --> 00:19:10,753
-It took all of me...
-(quiet laughter)
477
00:19:10,822 --> 00:19:12,353
not to say...
478
00:19:12,422 --> 00:19:14,722
-"You, too."
-(loud laughter)
479
00:19:14,791 --> 00:19:18,230
-He doesn't need
to hear that shit!
-(applause)
480
00:19:18,796 --> 00:19:20,399
He knows.
481
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:26,101
So, I'm trying to watch my mouth
with this dude. He's great.
482
00:19:26,170 --> 00:19:29,471
Yeah, he's great. I love him.
We're a very progressive couple.
483
00:19:29,540 --> 00:19:32,908
Yeah, he's pansexual,
and I am also a hoe. Um...
484
00:19:32,977 --> 00:19:35,543
(laughter, applause)
485
00:19:35,612 --> 00:19:37,416
-Audience member: Woo!
-(laughs)
486
00:19:38,750 --> 00:19:40,181
That's funny you wooed
at that, sir,
487
00:19:40,250 --> 00:19:41,250
because I've been watching you,
488
00:19:41,319 --> 00:19:43,384
and you've been
hesitating to laugh.
489
00:19:43,453 --> 00:19:45,086
And then you wooed
that pansexual shit
490
00:19:45,155 --> 00:19:48,423
-because you love to suck
a dick and eat a pussy!
-(cheering)
491
00:19:48,492 --> 00:19:52,695
And! And eat a pussy! I love it!
492
00:19:52,764 --> 00:19:55,531
(imitates airhorn)
Shout out to you.
493
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:56,731
(applause)
494
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:59,404
Suck a dick and eat a pussy.
I love it. Okay!
495
00:20:00,871 --> 00:20:02,407
Reset! Okay.
496
00:20:03,775 --> 00:20:05,810
(sighs, laughs)
497
00:20:06,945 --> 00:20:08,944
(cheering, applause)
498
00:20:09,013 --> 00:20:11,984
No! No excessive clapping.
I don't have time for it.
499
00:20:13,084 --> 00:20:15,883
I gotta focus.
500
00:20:15,952 --> 00:20:18,420
That's your laugh?
That's a good-- Uh! I just--
I'm too--
501
00:20:18,489 --> 00:20:20,956
I have too much ADHD.
When I hear shit, I'm like...
502
00:20:21,025 --> 00:20:22,157
(growls)
503
00:20:22,226 --> 00:20:23,458
Come watch me
live another time
504
00:20:23,527 --> 00:20:25,894
so I can make fun
of your laugh! Okay.
505
00:20:25,963 --> 00:20:28,663
Focus. Focus.
Let me get back on track. Okay.
506
00:20:28,732 --> 00:20:31,834
Okay, so we've been going
for a few months now.
507
00:20:31,903 --> 00:20:33,869
Eight-- Eight months,
something like that.
508
00:20:33,938 --> 00:20:35,437
But, like three months into it,
509
00:20:35,506 --> 00:20:37,305
I told my homegirl--
You know, I was all excited.
510
00:20:37,374 --> 00:20:39,641
I was telling my closest
homegirls about it,
511
00:20:39,710 --> 00:20:42,443
and one of my homegirls
who's known me for a long time,
she was like,
512
00:20:42,512 --> 00:20:44,279
"Marcella, you need
move in with him!"
513
00:20:44,348 --> 00:20:46,648
And I was like, "Whoa!
514
00:20:46,717 --> 00:20:48,083
Relax."
515
00:20:48,152 --> 00:20:50,352
You know, like,
I'm trying to go slow.
516
00:20:50,421 --> 00:20:51,653
And she was like, "Marcella,
517
00:20:51,722 --> 00:20:53,555
"I just know you've dealt
with so many fuck-boys,
518
00:20:53,624 --> 00:20:55,391
and you're not getting
any younger." And I was like,
519
00:20:55,460 --> 00:20:57,025
"Okay, relax again."
520
00:20:57,094 --> 00:20:58,627
(laughter)
521
00:20:58,696 --> 00:20:59,990
-I'm not...
-Member: Going too far.
522
00:21:00,059 --> 00:21:03,165
-Yeah, going too far!
-(laughter)
523
00:21:03,234 --> 00:21:04,366
And I just went,
"You know what, girl?
524
00:21:04,435 --> 00:21:06,634
I'm just not trying
to ruin things, right?"
525
00:21:06,703 --> 00:21:08,164
And she goes,
"Don't worry, Marcella.
526
00:21:08,233 --> 00:21:11,206
It'll get ruined
because everything gets ruined."
527
00:21:11,275 --> 00:21:12,907
(groaning laughter)
528
00:21:12,976 --> 00:21:15,978
I was like,
"Damn, you're single?
Who would've guessed?"
529
00:21:16,047 --> 00:21:17,312
(laughter)
530
00:21:17,381 --> 00:21:19,048
Who the fuck says that shit,
right? I was like,
531
00:21:19,117 --> 00:21:20,916
"You know what?
I got somebody
I want you to meet."
532
00:21:20,985 --> 00:21:21,984
She was like, "Really? Who?"
533
00:21:22,053 --> 00:21:23,985
I was like, "My therapist,
you fuckin' bitch."
534
00:21:24,054 --> 00:21:25,187
Who--
535
00:21:25,256 --> 00:21:27,856
Who says that to someone
who's newly in love?
536
00:21:27,925 --> 00:21:30,493
(applause)
537
00:21:30,562 --> 00:21:31,627
But it's hard, right?
538
00:21:31,696 --> 00:21:33,562
To try to change
and to focus on it
539
00:21:33,631 --> 00:21:36,331
because then you also start
to internalize your fuck-ups.
540
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,633
Right? You feel terrible.
541
00:21:38,702 --> 00:21:41,936
I once was going
to my homegirl's house.
542
00:21:42,005 --> 00:21:43,972
I shouldn't say homegirl 'cause
we're not super good friends.
543
00:21:44,041 --> 00:21:46,508
My friend Teresa,
she's a beautiful Asian girl,
544
00:21:46,577 --> 00:21:49,410
right? And, like,
we've kicked it before,
545
00:21:49,479 --> 00:21:52,614
so I know what she looks like.
546
00:21:52,683 --> 00:21:55,385
But then, I'm walking up
to her house,
547
00:21:55,454 --> 00:21:58,153
and I see her,
548
00:21:58,222 --> 00:22:01,456
and I'm about to be like,
"Hey, girl! What's up?" Right?
549
00:22:01,525 --> 00:22:04,793
And I'm right here.
I'm right at, "He..."
550
00:22:04,862 --> 00:22:06,028
(laughter)
551
00:22:06,097 --> 00:22:07,662
I'm like... (squeaks)
552
00:22:07,731 --> 00:22:11,633
And I realize that
she's not looking at me
553
00:22:11,702 --> 00:22:14,370
with the same familiar eyes...
554
00:22:14,439 --> 00:22:16,404
that I'm looking at her.
555
00:22:16,473 --> 00:22:19,308
And I was like, "He-- Oh...
556
00:22:19,377 --> 00:22:22,677
-"I'm a racist. Oh, my God."
-(laughter)
557
00:22:22,746 --> 00:22:25,681
"I think all Asians
look alike. Sandra Oh no."
558
00:22:25,750 --> 00:22:27,582
(laughter)
559
00:22:27,651 --> 00:22:30,152
"I'm a racist. Oh, my-- I think
all Asians look like this--
560
00:22:30,221 --> 00:22:31,954
Oh my-- This is terrible."
561
00:22:32,023 --> 00:22:33,689
I'm str-- I have all these
intrusive thoughts,
562
00:22:33,758 --> 00:22:35,891
and as I'm having
these thoughts,
563
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,325
the girl, she looks at me,
she's like,
564
00:22:37,394 --> 00:22:39,260
"Are you Marcella?
I'm Teresa's twin sister."
565
00:22:39,329 --> 00:22:41,297
-I was like, twins!
-(laughter)
566
00:22:41,366 --> 00:22:45,133
(applause)
567
00:22:45,202 --> 00:22:47,439
That's a racist's
worst nightmare!
568
00:22:48,805 --> 00:22:51,043
You gotta let a bitch know
when you're twins.
569
00:22:53,444 --> 00:22:56,078
It's hard trying to be
a better person.
570
00:22:56,147 --> 00:22:57,813
But here's what I do like.
571
00:22:57,882 --> 00:23:00,315
I do like the music
on the radio right now
572
00:23:00,384 --> 00:23:02,852
with all the rap girlies.
I love it.
573
00:23:02,921 --> 00:23:06,321
Megan, Cardi, Doja,
Saweetie, the City Girls.
574
00:23:06,390 --> 00:23:08,758
I love all of it.
Latto, I love all of it.
575
00:23:08,827 --> 00:23:10,691
I'm so happy these girls
are on the radio,
576
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:13,695
and they're-- but they're always
rapping about broke dudes
577
00:23:13,764 --> 00:23:16,331
or shitting on broke dudes,
right? Cardi had that one song.
578
00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:19,634
-"Broke boys don't
deserve no pussy."
-Audience: I know that's right!
579
00:23:19,703 --> 00:23:22,833
-Brainwashed.
You see these bitches?
-(laughter)
580
00:23:22,902 --> 00:23:24,573
Fucking brainwashed.
581
00:23:24,642 --> 00:23:25,874
That shit ain't right.
582
00:23:25,943 --> 00:23:28,743
That's classism, girl!
That's elitism!
583
00:23:28,812 --> 00:23:30,578
And here's the fucked-up part.
They never tell you
584
00:23:30,647 --> 00:23:33,052
why you shouldn't
fuck a broke dude.
585
00:23:34,751 --> 00:23:36,919
Does anybody know why you
shouldn't fuck a broke dude?
586
00:23:36,988 --> 00:23:38,987
(indistinct suggestions)
587
00:23:39,056 --> 00:23:41,022
They got the best dick.
588
00:23:41,091 --> 00:23:42,958
(cheers, laughter)
589
00:23:43,027 --> 00:23:44,960
They got the--
Broke dudes got the best dick.
590
00:23:45,029 --> 00:23:47,163
That's facts.
I've done the research.
591
00:23:47,232 --> 00:23:50,800
(laughter)
592
00:23:50,869 --> 00:23:52,034
And why do they have
the best dick?
593
00:23:52,103 --> 00:23:54,403
Because they've been
sleeping all day...
594
00:23:54,472 --> 00:23:55,905
(laughter)
595
00:23:55,974 --> 00:23:59,174
then they fuck
the shit out of you!
596
00:23:59,243 --> 00:24:02,578
And your stupid young ass
is like, "There was a spark."
597
00:24:02,647 --> 00:24:04,679
-(laughter)
-(sighs)
598
00:24:04,748 --> 00:24:07,282
Like, that wasn't a spark, girl.
He's just well-rested.
599
00:24:07,351 --> 00:24:09,150
-(laughter)
-Right?
600
00:24:09,219 --> 00:24:11,887
"Like, you don't understand.
We had romantic shower sex."
601
00:24:11,956 --> 00:24:14,357
Bitch, he needed
to take a shower.
602
00:24:14,426 --> 00:24:16,291
(laughter)
603
00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:17,727
"Marcella,
you don't understand.
604
00:24:17,796 --> 00:24:18,928
In the morning,
he made me coffee."
605
00:24:18,997 --> 00:24:21,864
Girl, he is
a 46-year-old barista.
606
00:24:21,933 --> 00:24:23,568
(laughter)
607
00:24:24,169 --> 00:24:25,534
(laughs)
608
00:24:25,603 --> 00:24:27,335
Look, I'm not saying
don't fuck them.
609
00:24:27,404 --> 00:24:31,072
Just don't fall for them.
That's what I'm saying, right?
610
00:24:31,141 --> 00:24:33,375
'Cause they either
fuck you right
or they pay all your bills.
611
00:24:33,444 --> 00:24:35,378
-It's never both.
-(laughter)
612
00:24:35,447 --> 00:24:37,680
Because if it's both...
613
00:24:37,749 --> 00:24:40,585
-he's cheating on you.
-(laughter)
614
00:24:42,652 --> 00:24:44,653
Yeah, but I've been
trying to grow up,
615
00:24:44,722 --> 00:24:46,989
get better,
be a better person.
616
00:24:47,058 --> 00:24:48,351
And, uh, it's hard.
617
00:24:48,420 --> 00:24:49,958
But I always think about
how I was as a kid.
618
00:24:50,027 --> 00:24:51,894
You guys remember
the DARE program?
619
00:24:51,963 --> 00:24:53,523
Guys, remember the DARE program?
Oh, my God.
620
00:24:53,592 --> 00:24:55,430
I love the DARE program.
For those that don't remember,
621
00:24:55,499 --> 00:24:57,332
the DARE program
was a program,
622
00:24:57,401 --> 00:25:00,602
an abstinence--
an abstinence-only...
623
00:25:00,671 --> 00:25:04,106
Wait. A drug and alcohol
resistance program.
624
00:25:04,175 --> 00:25:06,845
Right? Just taught you
to say no. That's all it was.
625
00:25:07,545 --> 00:25:09,878
And I fucking loved it.
626
00:25:09,947 --> 00:25:13,181
I-- When I was a kid,
I loved being good.
627
00:25:13,250 --> 00:25:16,384
I love getting straight A's.
I loved being a snitch.
628
00:25:16,453 --> 00:25:18,587
-I loved it.
-(laughter)
629
00:25:18,656 --> 00:25:21,689
My siblings fuckin' hated me.
630
00:25:21,758 --> 00:25:24,059
I was like, "Listen,
I'm not here to make friends."
631
00:25:24,128 --> 00:25:25,094
(laughter)
632
00:25:25,163 --> 00:25:28,000
"They feed me
and buy me toys! Come on!"
633
00:25:29,500 --> 00:25:32,200
And I loved the DARE program.
It was built for me. I loved it.
634
00:25:32,269 --> 00:25:35,170
And I loved, "Say no to drugs."
I loved being good.
635
00:25:35,239 --> 00:25:38,040
And, uh, I actually...
636
00:25:38,109 --> 00:25:39,841
(laughs) I don't know
if you remember,
637
00:25:39,910 --> 00:25:42,444
at the end of the DARE program,
you wrote an essay
638
00:25:42,513 --> 00:25:45,108
about why you love
the DARE program.
639
00:25:45,177 --> 00:25:46,147
Girl, my essay was so good,
640
00:25:46,216 --> 00:25:48,984
I got to read it
in front of the whole school.
641
00:25:49,053 --> 00:25:49,952
(laughter)
642
00:25:50,021 --> 00:25:52,888
Yeah. That's how good
it was, okay?
643
00:25:52,957 --> 00:25:54,890
I was so proud.
My mom was so proud.
644
00:25:54,959 --> 00:25:57,659
My mom was so proud of me,
she framed it
645
00:25:57,728 --> 00:26:00,162
and had it hanging
by the front door.
646
00:26:00,231 --> 00:26:02,231
Right, but, yeah. Adorable.
Yeah. You leave the house,
647
00:26:02,300 --> 00:26:04,567
and it was right there.
Every time I left, I was like,
648
00:26:04,636 --> 00:26:05,934
-"Mm..."
-(laughter)
649
00:26:06,003 --> 00:26:07,335
And then I think back, I'm like,
650
00:26:07,404 --> 00:26:08,704
no wonder my siblings hated me.
651
00:26:08,773 --> 00:26:10,205
You know, like, how annoying.
652
00:26:10,274 --> 00:26:11,841
But whatever,
you know?
653
00:26:11,910 --> 00:26:14,276
I was proud of myself.
I loved it.
654
00:26:14,345 --> 00:26:15,915
And then, I grew up.
655
00:26:17,381 --> 00:26:20,710
I started drinking at 21,
which is good. That's good.
656
00:26:20,779 --> 00:26:23,646
-I started smoking weed
around 24, right?
-(lone laugh)
657
00:26:23,715 --> 00:26:26,189
And-- I don't like the way
you laughed at that, ma'am.
658
00:26:26,258 --> 00:26:28,424
(laughter)
659
00:26:28,493 --> 00:26:30,125
Damn... Your laughter,
660
00:26:30,194 --> 00:26:32,160
you just called me a virgin
with that laughter.
661
00:26:32,229 --> 00:26:33,765
I don't like that.
662
00:26:34,599 --> 00:26:36,498
And so,
663
00:26:36,567 --> 00:26:38,100
uh, the first time I got high,
664
00:26:38,169 --> 00:26:41,103
I went back to my mother's
house, my parents' house,
665
00:26:41,172 --> 00:26:42,938
and I was high as shit,
666
00:26:43,007 --> 00:26:44,439
and I was trying to hide it.
667
00:26:44,508 --> 00:26:46,774
Like, looking down
and shit, you know.
668
00:26:46,843 --> 00:26:49,044
And parents, they--
if there's parents of kids here,
669
00:26:49,113 --> 00:26:51,213
you know. You know when
something is up with your kid.
670
00:26:51,282 --> 00:26:54,249
You know when they're happy,
sad, when something's up,
671
00:26:54,318 --> 00:26:55,317
when something's bothering them,
672
00:26:55,386 --> 00:26:57,385
when they wanna talk
about something, you know.
673
00:26:57,454 --> 00:27:00,889
So, my mom knew
since I walked in
that something was up, right?
674
00:27:00,958 --> 00:27:03,091
But she-- but I was looking all,
you know, I was, like,
675
00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:04,993
not trying to look at her.
And she-- she's 5'8",
676
00:27:05,062 --> 00:27:06,762
so she was trying
to get up under me. She's like,
677
00:27:06,831 --> 00:27:08,833
-qué te pasa , Marcella?
-(laughter)
678
00:27:10,168 --> 00:27:12,400
Qué te pasa, Marcella?
Qué te pasa?
679
00:27:12,469 --> 00:27:14,970
Ey, Marcella, qué te pasa?
680
00:27:15,039 --> 00:27:16,472
Marcella, qué te pasa,
Marcella?
681
00:27:16,541 --> 00:27:18,106
(clicking tongue)
682
00:27:18,175 --> 00:27:19,575
(laughter)
683
00:27:19,644 --> 00:27:20,913
Qué te pasa?
684
00:27:22,714 --> 00:27:23,979
And I don't lie.
I've never lied.
685
00:27:24,048 --> 00:27:26,682
I've always been a good kid,
so I don't lie.
686
00:27:26,751 --> 00:27:29,188
So, on her sixth qué te pasa,
687
00:27:30,421 --> 00:27:32,120
I told my mother,
688
00:27:32,189 --> 00:27:34,990
-"I am high on marijuana!"
-(laughter)
689
00:27:35,059 --> 00:27:38,297
That's how I said it.
"I am high on marijuana."
690
00:27:40,164 --> 00:27:43,198
And she was upset.
Yeah. And-and--
691
00:27:43,267 --> 00:27:45,600
You know, she got me in trouble.
I went to my room.
692
00:27:45,669 --> 00:27:47,002
And in the morning,
when I got up,
693
00:27:47,071 --> 00:27:49,304
I was too ashamed to, like, go--
like, go say good morning.
694
00:27:49,373 --> 00:27:50,873
None of that shit.
I didn't do none of that.
695
00:27:50,942 --> 00:27:52,407
I just, like,
snuck out of the house,
696
00:27:52,476 --> 00:27:54,877
and as I was sneaking out of
the house to get breakfast,
697
00:27:54,946 --> 00:27:57,680
I noticed that the essay...
698
00:27:57,749 --> 00:27:59,682
Audience:
Aw...
699
00:27:59,751 --> 00:28:01,987
...was taken down.
It was gone.
700
00:28:03,421 --> 00:28:06,354
You know, Latinos, we don't,
like, talk about our problems
701
00:28:06,423 --> 00:28:07,723
or what's bothering us.
702
00:28:07,792 --> 00:28:10,125
So I had never mentioned it.
703
00:28:10,194 --> 00:28:12,428
I was like,
"She-- she not wrong."
704
00:28:12,497 --> 00:28:14,166
(laughter)
705
00:28:15,467 --> 00:28:18,166
And then, a month ago,
706
00:28:18,235 --> 00:28:20,836
I heard her moving
something, like, in the back,
707
00:28:20,905 --> 00:28:23,205
and I hear something
fall and break.
708
00:28:23,274 --> 00:28:25,468
Like, something crashes.
709
00:28:25,537 --> 00:28:27,479
And I just hear,
"Oh, sorry, Marcella."
710
00:28:28,613 --> 00:28:29,879
And I was like, what?
711
00:28:29,948 --> 00:28:31,880
And it was the DARE essay.
712
00:28:31,949 --> 00:28:33,315
She had saved it.
713
00:28:33,384 --> 00:28:35,451
So I brought it here
to read to you guys.
714
00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:37,820
(applause)
715
00:28:37,889 --> 00:28:40,389
So... Look at that.
716
00:28:40,458 --> 00:28:43,195
(cheering)
717
00:28:44,829 --> 00:28:46,862
The stationery.
This is the original.
718
00:28:46,931 --> 00:28:49,431
The cardstock. It's legit.
719
00:28:49,500 --> 00:28:51,427
Okay.
720
00:28:51,496 --> 00:28:53,669
"I promise
to say no to drugs..."
721
00:28:53,738 --> 00:28:54,837
(laughter)
722
00:28:54,906 --> 00:28:57,406
"because of the everyday things
I wanna do.
723
00:28:57,475 --> 00:28:59,442
Breathe and stay alive."
724
00:28:59,511 --> 00:29:01,043
(laughter)
725
00:29:01,112 --> 00:29:04,213
"Drugs are something
I will never do.
726
00:29:04,282 --> 00:29:07,616
"Drugs aren't just
flashy things.
They are deadly things.
727
00:29:07,685 --> 00:29:09,051
"If you think drugs are cool
728
00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:11,687
"because famous people like
models and TV stars use them,
729
00:29:11,756 --> 00:29:13,449
you think wrong." All capital.
730
00:29:13,518 --> 00:29:15,691
-"You think wrong."
-(laughter)
731
00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:18,560
"I promise again
to say no to drugs.
732
00:29:18,629 --> 00:29:20,029
"The only way
I can keep my promise
733
00:29:20,098 --> 00:29:22,131
"is to pick good friends,
people I trust,
734
00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:24,132
"and great adults
that I can depend on.
735
00:29:24,201 --> 00:29:25,834
"If I didn't have
all those people,
736
00:29:25,903 --> 00:29:27,703
who knows where
I'd be right now?"
737
00:29:27,772 --> 00:29:29,305
I'm 10.
738
00:29:29,374 --> 00:29:31,572
(laughter)
739
00:29:31,641 --> 00:29:34,877
"The promise is very important
to keep because of cancer,
740
00:29:34,946 --> 00:29:36,712
-AIDS..."
-(audience groaning)
741
00:29:36,781 --> 00:29:39,515
It was the '90s.
"Cancer, AIDS,
742
00:29:39,584 --> 00:29:41,016
"and a lot of deadly things.
743
00:29:41,085 --> 00:29:43,919
"If everyone knew about this
and cared about themselves,
744
00:29:43,988 --> 00:29:46,755
"no one would be
buying drugs today.
745
00:29:46,824 --> 00:29:48,523
"My goals are never,
ever to use drugs,
746
00:29:48,592 --> 00:29:50,826
but that will be hard
because all of the pressure."
747
00:29:50,895 --> 00:29:52,160
(laughter)
748
00:29:52,229 --> 00:29:53,863
"My other goals
are to become a teacher
749
00:29:53,932 --> 00:29:56,226
and to have
a lovely drug-free family."
750
00:29:56,295 --> 00:29:57,660
Audience:
Aw...
751
00:29:57,729 --> 00:29:59,534
"The most fun thing
I did in DARE was acting
752
00:29:59,603 --> 00:30:01,871
"and learning all about drugs.
Marcella Arguello,
753
00:30:01,940 --> 00:30:04,439
Cypress School,
May 18, 1995."
754
00:30:04,508 --> 00:30:07,476
-(cheering)
-Thank you.
755
00:30:07,545 --> 00:30:10,406
(applause)
756
00:30:10,475 --> 00:30:12,384
So I wrote a little response.
757
00:30:13,450 --> 00:30:16,417
-"You dumb little bitch."
-(laughter)
758
00:30:16,486 --> 00:30:20,388
"You broke your promise
and your mother's heart.
759
00:30:20,457 --> 00:30:22,291
"First of all,
you really should take a break
760
00:30:22,360 --> 00:30:25,593
"from playing with your Barbies
and eating pupusas and realize
761
00:30:25,662 --> 00:30:28,163
"that being an adult
is not easy.
762
00:30:28,232 --> 00:30:30,265
"One day, you will grow up
to love drugs
763
00:30:30,334 --> 00:30:32,468
because guess what?
Drugs are great."
764
00:30:32,537 --> 00:30:34,470
(laughter)
765
00:30:34,539 --> 00:30:36,171
"And life is hard.
766
00:30:36,240 --> 00:30:37,606
"Drugs can get you
through the day
767
00:30:37,675 --> 00:30:39,775
or help you sleep at night,
and they even clear your skin."
768
00:30:39,844 --> 00:30:41,877
-That's true.
-(laughter)
769
00:30:41,946 --> 00:30:44,312
"You said you would
keep your drug-free promise
770
00:30:44,381 --> 00:30:46,248
"by picking good friends,
people you trust,
771
00:30:46,317 --> 00:30:47,782
"and great adults
that you can depend on.
772
00:30:47,851 --> 00:30:50,152
"And I want you to know
that some of the best
773
00:30:50,221 --> 00:30:53,455
"and only people you should
do drugs with are good friends,
774
00:30:53,524 --> 00:30:56,892
people you trust, and great
adults that you can depend on."
775
00:30:56,961 --> 00:31:00,199
(applause, cheering)
776
00:31:02,633 --> 00:31:05,000
"Additionally, the DARE program
will end very soon
777
00:31:05,069 --> 00:31:07,170
because it's tremendously
ineffective."
778
00:31:07,239 --> 00:31:08,270
(laughter)
779
00:31:08,339 --> 00:31:11,473
"In fact, it will become
an anti-bullying program,
780
00:31:11,542 --> 00:31:15,177
"which you could use.
781
00:31:15,246 --> 00:31:17,078
"You know,
some of those gay kids
are gonna grow up
782
00:31:17,147 --> 00:31:19,882
to be your best friend,
you homophobic twat."
783
00:31:19,951 --> 00:31:20,949
(laughter)
784
00:31:21,018 --> 00:31:23,318
Again, it was the '90s, okay?
785
00:31:23,387 --> 00:31:25,888
"Look, in 'Parable of the
Sower,' Octavia Butler writes,
786
00:31:25,957 --> 00:31:27,455
"'The only lasting truth
is change.'
787
00:31:27,524 --> 00:31:29,690
"So, little me,
it's time to start changing
788
00:31:29,759 --> 00:31:32,427
"because the sooner you focus
your energy on taking down
789
00:31:32,496 --> 00:31:34,296
"oppressive institutional
power structures
790
00:31:34,365 --> 00:31:35,965
"that brainwash you
into thinking
791
00:31:36,034 --> 00:31:37,900
"you're morally superior
than other people,
792
00:31:37,969 --> 00:31:40,569
the better off you'll be.
Yours forever, You."
793
00:31:40,638 --> 00:31:43,033
(cheering)
794
00:31:43,102 --> 00:31:45,474
My name is Marcella Arguello,
you guys. Thank you so much.
795
00:31:45,543 --> 00:31:46,709
Have a good night!
796
00:31:46,778 --> 00:31:50,015
(applause)
797
00:31:54,952 --> 00:31:58,190
(cheering, applause continue)
56655
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