All language subtitles for Marcella.Arguello.Bitch.Grow.Up.2023.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Emcee 1:
... to say that you saw her
in a laundromat.

Downloaded from
YTS.MX

Put your hands together big
for Marcella Arguello!

(applause, cheering)

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

Emcee 2:
Marcella Arguello!

Hey, what's up, guys?

Emcee 3:
She's one of my best friends.
Let's hear it for

-Ms. Marcella Arguello!
-(crowd cheering)

Okay, okay, okay!
Everybody, what's up?

Make some noise.
What's up, what's up,
what's up?

Everybody make some noise.
Keep it going.

Make some motherfucking noise!

What's up, New York?

(applause, cheering)

What's up, y'all?
My name is Marcella.

I'm very tall for a woman,
bitch. Take it in, okay?

-(cheering)
-Yeah.

I'm 6'2".
I'm gonna go over

-a few things I don't wanna
be asked ever again, okay?
-(laughter)

I don't play basketball,
I don't play volleyball,

I'm not a model,

and since I have
everybody's attention,

just wanna let you all know

the tops of your refrigerators
are fucking disgusting.

(laughter, applause)

Clean 'em up!

They're all greasy and dusty
and shit. What's that about?

I get mistaken for a man
sometimes. It's all good.

I don't care.
I'm very confident.

I don't give a fuck, right?

(laughter)

But sometimes,
it hurts my feelings.

(laughter)

When I was flying out
to New York,

as soon as we land-- Now,

I don't look like this
when I fly, right?

I'm, like, sweatpants,
you know, sneakers,
baggy T-shirt,

hair pulled back,
glasses, mask, right? No makeup.

And so, when we land
in New York,

the woman across the aisle,
she-- she props up.

She's a tiny woman.
She props up out of her chair.

You know, she's getting her bag,

but she starts struggling
with her bag.

And then this
fine-ass Black guy

helps her with her bag.

And I was like,
I'm gonna struggle.

(laughter, applause)

With my bag, right?

But like I said, I didn't
look like this, right?

So, I get up, and I'm like,

-"Oh." (pouty sigh)
-(laughter)

"My little wrist.

Owie!"

(groans) And he looks at me.
He's like,

"You got that, bro?"

(laughter)

I didn't give a fuck.
I was like,

"Yeah, it's all good, dog!

-Don't even trip."
-(applause)

I am Latina.
Any Latinos in the house?

-(cheering, applause)
-Nice.

Yeah.

I'm a-- I'm a very proud Latina.

I'm a very proud Latina.
Um...

And it was-- it was--

It's funny because, you know,
because of how I look,

people don't think
I'm Latina, right?

I once, when I worked as
a bank teller, I had this woman.

A lot of people think I'm mixed
with Black and white,

especially in California.
In New York, y'all know.

Y'all don't get it fucked up
in New York. Y'all know.

You guys got everything in
New York, so you're just like,

"Ah, mija !" Right?
As soon as they see me. "Ah!"

But in California, they're--
if you don't look Mexican,
they're like,

-"What?"
-(laughter)

So, I'm working as
a teller, uh, in Cali,

and this customer,
her account was all fucked up,

and she starts talking shit
about me in Spanish

-at the teller window
right in front of me, right?
-(booing)

Probably thought I was mixed
Black and white.

Probably didn't know
I spoke Spanish.

So, she's talking shit. And as
soon as she finishes, I'm like,

"Oh, I'm sorry. (laughs)

"Looks like I won't be able to
help you with this account..."

(applause, cheering)

So, she was upset.
She was upset.

She's upset.
She goes up to my manager.

She's like, "Oh, my God!

This young woman just called me
an old bitch in Spanish."

And my manager was like,
"(gasps) Wha...

She is Black and white!
She don't speak Spanish!"

I was like... (imitates airhorn)

Wu-Tang is for the children!

Bobby Digital!
(beeping) Um...

-Stupid bitch. Um...
-(laughter)

It's crazy though because,
like, you know,

Latinos, we're everything,
right?

We're the blackest Black,
we're the whitest white.

We look like every--
We are everybody, right?

That's why we're
taking over, girl, ha! Um...

But it's-it's a mind-fuck
in Hollywood, too,

because, like Sofia Vergara--
I don't know if you guys know,

but Sofia Vergara,
when she got "Modern Family,"

it was because
she dyed her hair brown,

so she could look
"more Latina," right?

Which is crazy. That's fucked up
that she had to do that.

And then when she got the role
on "Modern Family,"
what happened?

The Latinos gave her backlash

because she was
"too stereotypical."

They didn't like the way
she represented Latinos.

And I was like, (clicks tongue)

I got a lot of family members
that act like her, okay?

(laughter)

Yeah, it's my gay Uncles
pero still, you know, like?

They deserve representation.

So, because I grew up
in a conservative, uh, town,

I-- you know,
I don't identify as white.
I don't.

I identify as white-passing,
and the difference

between white
and white-passing

is that I would never put
my parents in a nursing home.

-Um...
-(applause)

-(laughs) Oh shit.
-(cheering)

Thank you.

Hey, man, shout out to
all y'all for coming out.

We appreciate you.

I can't have you guys
applauding every joke.

-I don't got that kind of time.
Please don't do that.
-(laughter)

Just laugh. I-I don't wanna
fuckin' fuck my shit up

'cause y'all are too excited.
Um...

-(laughs)
-(laughter, indistinct yell)

I know, girl. Um...

So, the pandemic fucked
shit up, right?

I think it-- it changed me.

I don't know if it
changed you, guys.

I appreciate you guys
all coming out.

You guys aren't wearing masks.
What is wrong with you?

I don't know.

Shout out to you, sir.
Thank you.

Um, but the pandemic
changed me.

Remember at the begin--
It's been so long, right?

It's been so long.
Remember at the beginning,

people were posting
stupid shit on social media?

I had hella friends just
posting the dumbest shit.

I had one friend that was like,

(mocking):
"I just cut my own hair
for the first time ever.

Hashtag bangs."

-(laughter)
-I had another homegirl
who was like,

(mocking):
"Just painted my own nails
for the first time ever.

-Hashtag DIY."
-(laughter)

I had a homeboy who was like,

"Just cooked every meal for
the first time this week

in my whole life." I was like,
have you guys never been broke?

(laughter)

Hashtag hella broke.
You guys never been broke, ever?

Okay. Alright.

I know who I'm gonna
hit up for bail money.

(laughter, applause)

And then, the vaccine
rollout happened,

and I was so excited,
you know,

because being single during
the pandemic was rough, right?

-(audience agreeing)
-It was rough!

Me and all my homegirls
were so excited

when the vaccine
rollout happened.

We were just like
in the group chat, like,

"Oh, I can't wait
to get back out there."

"Yeah, me--"
Bitch, I was so desperate,

I almost ordered
a male sex robot.

(laughter)

That's where I was at,
but with my luck,

it was gonna show up
and be 5'6".

(laughter)

I turn it on, it be like,

(robotic):
"I am 5'9". Beep, boop, boop."

(applause, laughter)

I don't know why, y'all men,

you guys always lie
about your height.

I don't know
what that's about.

Men lie so much
about their height,

they accuse me of
being seven feet tall.

(laughter)

That's happened
more than three times.

You realize how
fucked up that is?
Anyways, alright.

So, I was getting--
I was getting thirsty, man.
It was hard.

And then, in the group chat,
we were all like,

I just wanna get
back out there.

I'm gonna join the dating
websites. Me, too.

And one of my homegirls
was like,

"Marcella,
I just miss kissing."

(laughter)

I was like, "It's been
two years, bitch.

I wanna be railed into a wall."

(applause, laughter)

I want a dude to blow
my back out so hard.

my scoliosis reverses,
you feel me?

God damn.

Kissing. I don't even kiss
one-night stands.

I had a one-night stand try
to kiss me once. I was like,

"Sir, ew! I don't know you!"

(laughter)

-Now, let's go raw dog, come on.
-(applause)

Oh, we got some hoes in
the audience tonight. Nice.

(cheering)

-Yeah.
-(cheering continues)

Alright, relax, you
thirsty-ass bitches. God damn.

Uh, and I-- you know what I miss
about the before times, though,

-is going out dancing.
-(sad groans)

That's-- All the girls got sad.

-(laughter)
-I know! I miss it!

I miss going out dancing.
I used to go every week.

It was so fun,
and I miss going out dancing.

Um, I-I-- My favorite is going
to gay clubs, right?

I love going to gay clubs 'cause
gay men love straight women.
They love--

You could walk in,
looking like shit.

-I've done it before.
-(laughter)

And one time--
It's a safe space, right?

They're not gon--
They're not there
to bug you, right?

You can just do whatever.
You can smell however you want.

No one cares.

I one time walked
into a gay club,

looking like straight-up shit
head-to-toe,

and as soon as I walked in,
this little queen was like,

"Yes, girl!
You serving hobo realness!"

-(applause)
-(laughs)

I was like, "Thank you!
Thank you."

But I hate going
to straight clubs

'cause, men, y'all have lost
your sense of decorum.

Motherfuckers went from,
"May I have this dance," to...

(grunting)

(laughter)

(grunting)

Just shit-faced drunk,
just thrusting their genitals.

-They're doing (blubbering).
-(laughter)

You're just minding
your business with your girl,

doing the little
junior high circle,

-minding your business, right?
-(laughter)

And they just, (grunting)--
"Oh, my God! Is that a mosquito?

-Ah!"
-(applause)

And straight dudes
are tenacious.

It's a numbers game for
straight men. They're like,

"Oh my bad, my bad."
And they just move on.

-(blubbering)
-(laughter)

"Oh, no, my bad,
my bad, my bad."

-(grunting)
-(laughter)

(blubbering)

And then when you try to be
like, "Oh, no, thank you,"

they're just, they just...

"Hey, you don't have
to play hard to get."

Sir, you're playing
hard to get away from!

(applause)

Leave me alone.
No means no, Bill Cosby. Um...

(shocked groans)

If that's what you're
offended by, just buckle up.

(laughter)

I got some shit in
the second half. Alright, um...

But I do.
I miss going out dancing.

I, uh... (laughs)

I one time had a guy
approach me at the bar.

He comes right up to me.
He's like,
"I been watchin' you."

Which is a bad start,
right, ladies?

Creepy as fuck.

He's like, "You're very tall."

I was like, cool, he has
eyeballs? I don't...

He's like, "You don't move
like a tall person."

-What the fuck does that mean?
-(laughter)

Does he expect me
to walk in the room

and just start dunking on fools?

(laughter)

Soon as I walk in, every room
I walk into, I'm like,

"Hey, guys,
I'm here from downtown!"

(applause)

"What's up, y'all?
Boom-shakalaka!

She's on fire!" I don't know
what I'm doing wrong.

I once had a guy roll up on me.
Literally. He's in a wheelchair.

-He rolls up.
-(laughter)

I'm so excited.
I don't have a type.

I really don't.
Short, tall, fat, skinny.

I don't give a fuck.
You got a dick?

I wanna see it,
I wanna smell it.

(applause)

I'm like a curious puppy.

(rapid sniffing)

So this fool rolls up.
I'm excited. He goes like this.

I love confidence in a man.
When he goes like this,

I'm like, oh, what's up?

(laughter)

And he says, and I quote,

"You would be perfect
if you had a fat ass."

(audience gasps)

I was like,
"You don't have legs."

(laughter)

(applause)

And I wasn't even
gonna bring it up!

I had no problem
with this shit, right?

I'm glad you guys
enjoyed that.

(laughter)

For anybody at home
who's watching

and is uptight about it,
just so you know,

I'm not the bad guy
in that story, okay?

MLK taught me to judge people by
the content of their character.

-That dude was a dick, right?
-(applause)

Because think about it.
He could have been clever

with this shit,
but he chose to neg me.

I hate when men neg.

For-- Young women,
do not fall for negging.

Negging is when a man includes
a insult in his compliment.

That's not a compliment.
Just say I'm perfect.

We both know that's not true.
Who gives a fuck?

Are you trying to fuck or not?

(applause, laughter)

Right?

And he could have been clever
with this shit.

He could've fucking rolled up,
did this,

I would've been like,
"What's up?"
He could've been like,

"You ain't got no ass.
I ain't got no legs.

Together,
we make a whole person."

-(cheering)
-I'd have been like,

"Oh, shit, let's go!"

(applause)

-Your guys' clapping
is stressing me out. Um...
-(laughter)

I don't like it.
You guys are too lit right now!

I'm good, huh?
That's the problem. Um.

(laughing)

(applause)

They got it. They heard it.

But ever since
I was a little girl,

I always wanted a man
to approach me

the way Michael Jackson used
to approach women in his videos.

That's all I ever wanted.
Ever since I was a little girl,

I just wanted a guy
to be all like--

(laughter)

"What's your name?
(imitating Michael Jackson)

(laughter)

(sings high note)

(imitating Michael Jackson)

(laughter)

(applause)

"Can I buy you a drink?

(laughter)

Vodka tonic? Be right back."
Just moonwalks.

(laughter, applause)

Into my heart. Okay.

(laughs)

(laughs)

This is too much. Um...

Anybody drunk?
I'm fuckin' lit,
bitch, right up.

(cheering)

(sighs)

But here's the thing.
I realized

that I don't want
all that shit, right?

I was like, I don't--
I miss going out dancing,

but I don't-- I don't miss
these dudes, right?

And I was like,
I need to work on myself.

Because the truth is I'm 37,

and I've been single

-all those 37 years.
-(laughter)

And during the pandemic,
I was like,

"Oh, shit, it's me."

(laughter)

It's me. I'm the problem.
And, bitch,

if you're not laughing,
girl, it's you.

You need to work on yourself.
You need to do some
self-reflecting--

-Don't point at her!
-(laughter)

Oh, it's you. (laughs)

And she said, "It's us."

It's her and I.

We, too, are the problem.

(laughter)

That goofy-ass outfit,
of course, you're single. Um...

Audience:
Oh!

(applause)

Me deflecting your kisses.
Ah! Ah!

Uh, and I realized I need
to work on myself, right?

I was like, bitch,
it's time to grow up, right?

And then I started thinking
about shit, how I am.

I had an epiphany
when I was watching

"Beauty and the Beast"
with my niece.

Okay, it's her favorite movie.

Of course, I grew up
in the '90s, right?
I love that movie.

So we're watching it,
and we get to that scene where,

you know,
Belle has that realization,

and the snowball fight scene,
you know what I'm talking about?

Where she starts, like,
looking at him different.

(scattered laughter)

She starts realizing shit,

I was like, I start
realizing shit, you know?

-I mean...
-(laughter)

I'm coarse.

I'm unrefined. I'm the Beast!

-No!
-(laughter)

And I was like,
let me chill out.

We kept watching
the movie, right?

As we watched the movie,
I was like, oh!

-I, too, slurp my oatmeal.
-(laughter)

I also look good in a--
in a blue suit.

I'm the Beast, right?
So I accepted that. I was like,

that's who I am. I'm the Beast.
The next time I fucked a dude,

I was like,
"Yeah, kill the Beast!"

Psht! Kill the Beast.
Psht! Be my guest.

Psht! Put this pussy.
Psht! To the test.

Psht! Okay.

-(laughter continues)
-(laughs)

That was for all
the Disney heads,
you know what I'm sayin'?

(humming) Okay.

So, I was like,
I gotta work on myself.

And it's hard because,
you know, I--

You know, I have, obviously,
a great sense of humor, right?

And men, on the dating profiles,

they always say
they want a woman

with a good sense of humor.
They always say that.

"I want a woman--"
But they don't!

Because when men say
they want a woman

with a good sense of humor,
what they mean

is they want a chick
whose boobs bounce

when she laughs at his jokes.

(laughter, applause)

You see how the men
aren't clapping?

The women are clapping
but the men aren't, okay?

Because that's true.
They're like, "What?
No, come on."

(laughter)

So I was trying to watch-- I've
been trying to watch myself.

I was looking at the last dude
that I was, I was talking to.

I was like, what happened?

And then, I looked at
our old text messages.

This dude goes, "Marcella,
you have a beautiful face."

And my response was,

"I look like my dad.
Are you gay?"

(laughter)

No wonder it didn't work out.

Gee whiz, right?

So, I've been working
on myself, right?

I'm trying to watch
my mouth a little bit.

I'm dating a short guy right now

because I don't have
a choice, right?

(laughter)

He's always asking me
for piggyback rides.

Every time he hugs me, it looks
like a koala bear on a tree.

It's all good.
I like how you guys are like,

-"Come on, give him a chance."
-(laughter)

I did give him a chance.
It's going on for a--

It's been going on
for a minute now,

-and we are in love,
okay? Yes!
-(cheering)

I am in love!

For the first time in my life--
No, wait, let me correct that.

This is the first time
in my life someone
loves me back.

Audience:
Aw...

You see, the girls are like,
"Ooh, I feel that."

You felt that right here,
bitch, huh?

(laughs)

And it's been great.
I'm-- I am enjoying it, but I--

So I'm trying to like
watch my mouth.

Not-- You know,
not when it counts,
but you know what I mean?

(laughter)

Like trying to watch what
I say out of my mouth,

now what goes into it, right?

(laughter)

And so,
and the first time we had sex,

I was trying to be mindful,

and I took off my shirt.

And he--

(laughter)

Bitch, I-- Was that you?

She went, "Okay."

-She taking notes!
-(laughter)

She's like, "Okay."

Are you a bitch, too?
Is that the problem?

Are you trying
to work on yourself

because you're a bitch, too?

-You're fucking sliding
into your chair.
-(laughter)

What happened?
Let's talk about it.

What's wrong with you, girl?
No, just kidding.

You're a bitch.
That's what it is. Okay.

(laughter)

So, the first time we're having
sex, I take off my shirt,

and he was like, "Marcella,
you have incredible breasts."

-It took all of me...
-(quiet laughter)

not to say...

-"You, too."
-(loud laughter)

-He doesn't need
to hear that shit!
-(applause)

He knows.

So, I'm trying to watch my mouth
with this dude. He's great.

Yeah, he's great. I love him.
We're a very progressive couple.

Yeah, he's pansexual,
and I am also a hoe. Um...

(laughter, applause)

-Audience member: Woo!
-(laughs)

That's funny you wooed
at that, sir,

because I've been watching you,

and you've been
hesitating to laugh.

And then you wooed
that pansexual shit

-because you love to suck
a dick and eat a pussy!
-(cheering)

And! And eat a pussy! I love it!

(imitates airhorn)
Shout out to you.

(applause)

Suck a dick and eat a pussy.
I love it. Okay!

Reset! Okay.

(sighs, laughs)

(cheering, applause)

No! No excessive clapping.
I don't have time for it.

I gotta focus.

That's your laugh?
That's a good-- Uh! I just--
I'm too--

I have too much ADHD.
When I hear shit, I'm like...

(growls)

Come watch me
live another time

so I can make fun
of your laugh! Okay.

Focus. Focus.
Let me get back on track. Okay.

Okay, so we've been going
for a few months now.

Eight-- Eight months,
something like that.

But, like three months into it,

I told my homegirl--
You know, I was all excited.

I was telling my closest
homegirls about it,

and one of my homegirls
who's known me for a long time,
she was like,

"Marcella, you need
move in with him!"

And I was like, "Whoa!

Relax."

You know, like,
I'm trying to go slow.

And she was like, "Marcella,

"I just know you've dealt
with so many fuck-boys,

and you're not getting
any younger." And I was like,

"Okay, relax again."

(laughter)

-I'm not...
-Member: Going too far.

-Yeah, going too far!
-(laughter)

And I just went,
"You know what, girl?

I'm just not trying
to ruin things, right?"

And she goes,
"Don't worry, Marcella.

It'll get ruined
because everything gets ruined."

(groaning laughter)

I was like,
"Damn, you're single?
Who would've guessed?"

(laughter)

Who the fuck says that shit,
right? I was like,

"You know what?
I got somebody
I want you to meet."

She was like, "Really? Who?"

I was like, "My therapist,
you fuckin' bitch."

Who--

Who says that to someone
who's newly in love?

(applause)

But it's hard, right?

To try to change
and to focus on it

because then you also start
to internalize your fuck-ups.

Right? You feel terrible.

I once was going
to my homegirl's house.

I shouldn't say homegirl 'cause
we're not super good friends.

My friend Teresa,
she's a beautiful Asian girl,

right? And, like,
we've kicked it before,

so I know what she looks like.

But then, I'm walking up
to her house,

and I see her,

and I'm about to be like,
"Hey, girl! What's up?" Right?

And I'm right here.
I'm right at, "He..."

(laughter)

I'm like... (squeaks)

And I realize that
she's not looking at me

with the same familiar eyes...

that I'm looking at her.

And I was like, "He-- Oh...

-"I'm a racist. Oh, my God."
-(laughter)

"I think all Asians
look alike. Sandra Oh no."

(laughter)

"I'm a racist. Oh, my-- I think
all Asians look like this--

Oh my-- This is terrible."

I'm str-- I have all these
intrusive thoughts,

and as I'm having
these thoughts,

the girl, she looks at me,
she's like,

"Are you Marcella?
I'm Teresa's twin sister."

-I was like, twins!
-(laughter)

(applause)

That's a racist's
worst nightmare!

You gotta let a bitch know
when you're twins.

It's hard trying to be
a better person.

But here's what I do like.

I do like the music
on the radio right now

with all the rap girlies.
I love it.

Megan, Cardi, Doja,
Saweetie, the City Girls.

I love all of it.
Latto, I love all of it.

I'm so happy these girls
are on the radio,

and they're-- but they're always
rapping about broke dudes

or shitting on broke dudes,
right? Cardi had that one song.

-"Broke boys don't
deserve no pussy."
-Audience: I know that's right!

-Brainwashed.
You see these bitches?
-(laughter)

Fucking brainwashed.

That shit ain't right.

That's classism, girl!
That's elitism!

And here's the fucked-up part.
They never tell you

why you shouldn't
fuck a broke dude.

Does anybody know why you
shouldn't fuck a broke dude?

(indistinct suggestions)

They got the best dick.

(cheers, laughter)

They got the--
Broke dudes got the best dick.

That's facts.
I've done the research.

(laughter)

And why do they have
the best dick?

Because they've been
sleeping all day...

(laughter)

then they fuck
the shit out of you!

And your stupid young ass
is like, "There was a spark."

-(laughter)
-(sighs)

Like, that wasn't a spark, girl.
He's just well-rested.

-(laughter)
-Right?

"Like, you don't understand.
We had romantic shower sex."

Bitch, he needed
to take a shower.

(laughter)

"Marcella,
you don't understand.

In the morning,
he made me coffee."

Girl, he is
a 46-year-old barista.

(laughter)

(laughs)

Look, I'm not saying
don't fuck them.

Just don't fall for them.
That's what I'm saying, right?

'Cause they either
fuck you right
or they pay all your bills.

-It's never both.
-(laughter)

Because if it's both...

-he's cheating on you.
-(laughter)

Yeah, but I've been
trying to grow up,

get better,
be a better person.

And, uh, it's hard.

But I always think about
how I was as a kid.

You guys remember
the DARE program?

Guys, remember the DARE program?
Oh, my God.

I love the DARE program.
For those that don't remember,

the DARE program
was a program,

an abstinence--
an abstinence-only...

Wait. A drug and alcohol
resistance program.

Right? Just taught you
to say no. That's all it was.

And I fucking loved it.

I-- When I was a kid,
I loved being good.

I love getting straight A's.
I loved being a snitch.

-I loved it.
-(laughter)

My siblings fuckin' hated me.

I was like, "Listen,
I'm not here to make friends."

(laughter)

"They feed me
and buy me toys! Come on!"

And I loved the DARE program.
It was built for me. I loved it.

And I loved, "Say no to drugs."
I loved being good.

And, uh, I actually...

(laughs) I don't know
if you remember,

at the end of the DARE program,
you wrote an essay

about why you love
the DARE program.

Girl, my essay was so good,

I got to read it
in front of the whole school.

(laughter)

Yeah. That's how good
it was, okay?

I was so proud.
My mom was so proud.

My mom was so proud of me,
she framed it

and had it hanging
by the front door.

Right, but, yeah. Adorable.
Yeah. You leave the house,

and it was right there.
Every time I left, I was like,

-"Mm..."
-(laughter)

And then I think back, I'm like,

no wonder my siblings hated me.

You know, like, how annoying.

But whatever,
you know?

I was proud of myself.
I loved it.

And then, I grew up.

I started drinking at 21,
which is good. That's good.

-I started smoking weed
around 24, right?
-(lone laugh)

And-- I don't like the way
you laughed at that, ma'am.

(laughter)

Damn... Your laughter,

you just called me a virgin
with that laughter.

I don't like that.

And so,

uh, the first time I got high,

I went back to my mother's
house, my parents' house,

and I was high as shit,

and I was trying to hide it.

Like, looking down
and shit, you know.

And parents, they--
if there's parents of kids here,

you know. You know when
something is up with your kid.

You know when they're happy,
sad, when something's up,

when something's bothering them,

when they wanna talk
about something, you know.

So, my mom knew
since I walked in
that something was up, right?

But she-- but I was looking all,
you know, I was, like,

not trying to look at her.
And she-- she's 5'8",

so she was trying
to get up under me. She's like,

-qué te pasa , Marcella?
-(laughter)

Qué te pasa, Marcella?
Qué te pasa?

Ey, Marcella, qué te pasa?

Marcella, qué te pasa,
Marcella?

(clicking tongue)

(laughter)

Qué te pasa?

And I don't lie.
I've never lied.

I've always been a good kid,
so I don't lie.

So, on her sixth qué te pasa,

I told my mother,

-"I am high on marijuana!"
-(laughter)

That's how I said it.
"I am high on marijuana."

And she was upset.
Yeah. And-and--

You know, she got me in trouble.
I went to my room.

And in the morning,
when I got up,

I was too ashamed to, like, go--
like, go say good morning.

None of that shit.
I didn't do none of that.

I just, like,
snuck out of the house,

and as I was sneaking out of
the house to get breakfast,

I noticed that the essay...

Audience:
Aw...

...was taken down.
It was gone.

You know, Latinos, we don't,
like, talk about our problems

or what's bothering us.

So I had never mentioned it.

I was like,
"She-- she not wrong."

(laughter)

And then, a month ago,

I heard her moving
something, like, in the back,

and I hear something
fall and break.

Like, something crashes.

And I just hear,
"Oh, sorry, Marcella."

And I was like, what?

And it was the DARE essay.

She had saved it.

So I brought it here
to read to you guys.

(applause)

So... Look at that.

(cheering)

The stationery.
This is the original.

The cardstock. It's legit.

Okay.

"I promise
to say no to drugs..."

(laughter)

"because of the everyday things
I wanna do.

Breathe and stay alive."

(laughter)

"Drugs are something
I will never do.

"Drugs aren't just
flashy things.
They are deadly things.

"If you think drugs are cool

"because famous people like
models and TV stars use them,

you think wrong." All capital.

-"You think wrong."
-(laughter)

"I promise again
to say no to drugs.

"The only way
I can keep my promise

"is to pick good friends,
people I trust,

"and great adults
that I can depend on.

"If I didn't have
all those people,

who knows where
I'd be right now?"

I'm 10.

(laughter)

"The promise is very important
to keep because of cancer,

-AIDS..."
-(audience groaning)

It was the '90s.
"Cancer, AIDS,

"and a lot of deadly things.

"If everyone knew about this
and cared about themselves,

"no one would be
buying drugs today.

"My goals are never,
ever to use drugs,

but that will be hard
because all of the pressure."

(laughter)

"My other goals
are to become a teacher

and to have
a lovely drug-free family."

Audience:
Aw...

"The most fun thing
I did in DARE was acting

"and learning all about drugs.
Marcella Arguello,

Cypress School,
May 18, 1995."

-(cheering)
-Thank you.

(applause)

So I wrote a little response.

-"You dumb little bitch."
-(laughter)

"You broke your promise
and your mother's heart.

"First of all,
you really should take a break

"from playing with your Barbies
and eating pupusas and realize

"that being an adult
is not easy.

"One day, you will grow up
to love drugs

because guess what?
Drugs are great."

(laughter)

"And life is hard.

"Drugs can get you
through the day

or help you sleep at night,
and they even clear your skin."

-That's true.
-(laughter)

"You said you would
keep your drug-free promise

"by picking good friends,
people you trust,

"and great adults
that you can depend on.

"And I want you to know
that some of the best

"and only people you should
do drugs with are good friends,

people you trust, and great
adults that you can depend on."

(applause, cheering)

"Additionally, the DARE program
will end very soon

because it's tremendously
ineffective."

(laughter)

"In fact, it will become
an anti-bullying program,

"which you could use.

"You know,
some of those gay kids
are gonna grow up

to be your best friend,
you homophobic twat."

(laughter)

Again, it was the '90s, okay?

"Look, in 'Parable of the
Sower,' Octavia Butler writes,

"'The only lasting truth
is change.'

"So, little me,
it's time to start changing

"because the sooner you focus
your energy on taking down

"oppressive institutional
power structures

"that brainwash you
into thinking

"you're morally superior
than other people,

the better off you'll be.
Yours forever, You."

(cheering)

My name is Marcella Arguello,
you guys. Thank you so much.

Have a good night!

(applause)

(cheering, applause continue)