All language subtitles for Smartless.On.The.Road.S01E01.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

One, two.
Testing. Testing.

- Testing. One, two. Testing.
- Testing, testing.
One, two.

- Is this mic hot? Is it hot?
- Is it hot?

- Are we hot?
- Is it hot?

- Is it hot?
- Testing one, two. Testing.

- Testing, testing, one, two.
- Testing.

Testing, one two.

The crowd can already hear us.

- Oh, okay wait. So wait.
- Testing.

I got... I got a really
quick game.

It's called...
It's called "Quick,
Quick, Quick."

- Okay.
- And I'm gonna say
"Quick, quick, quick."

And I'm gonna say
"Name three something."

- All right, okay.
- Okay. Okay.

So, for you,
quick, quick, quick

name three brands of soap.

Um, uh, Dove,
Ivory and, um,
Irish Spring.

Stop. Quick. Okay,
so, quick, quick, quick

name... name three
problems... dental problems.

Go, name three
dental problems go.

- Oh, you've got an abscess.
- Quick, quick, quick.

- You got a cavity.
- Quick, quick.

- And you've got a punch
in the mouth.
- Okay.

- Okay, what about you?
Quick, quick, quick...
- Quick, quick, quick.

- Three great...
- Sports teams.

- Uh, the...
- Quick!

- The birds,
the dinosaurs.
- No!

- Okay.
- Oh, god.

The dinosaurs!

Listen,
let's just forget this.

Let's just get down
to what we came here
to do.

- The last show of...
- Of...

SmartLess!

Smart.

Less.

Thank you.

Uh, you know what?
I'm gonna take Sean's seat.

'Cause he doesn't know.

And he's gonna be like,
"Where is?"

And I'll be like,
"Oh, there you go."

No, I'm not.

Double back. Because...

...that seat...

...doesn't recline.

And, um, Sean
doesn't like to recline.

I bought the outfit.

Oh. Every angle.

Hey, Sean!
Did you get the memo
about the puffer? Oh, you did.

You got the memo
about the puffer jacket.

Where do we sit?

Um, okay, so.

They put you...

...here.

- Uh oh.
- Department of Homeland Security.

Well, what I'm gonna do is,

is I'm gonna jackass
my own bags out of this car,
it's looking like.

Watch this.

Oi!

Slip and slide there.
Where're we going?

This plane is nice.

- Right?
- I mean,
private plane.

On tour.

Yeah, man.

Um, hi back here.

- Hey, guys.
- Let me introduce
you to everybody, Jason.

You don't... You have
no idea what everyone's
name is.

- Okay, this is Shawn.
- No way.

This is Wyatt,
this is Michelle.

- That's Paul.
- It's Melissa.

- Melissa,
Melissa, Melissa.
- Mark.

- And Reuben.
- Melissa. Melissa.

- What'd I say?
- Did he get
any of that right?

I meant to... I mean Melissa.

- You've never been
good at that.
- Enjoy. Enjoy man.

This is above the line
only out here, man.

Hey, why're they
lockin' me out?

Motherfuckers.

Wait, wait, wait,
don't do that.

Oh, you gotta
hit the button.

Don't!

Just relax.

You guys are all right?

Don't touch it!

Uh oh.

Well, guys,
it looks like we're
bunking together.

You have to ask
the pilot.

Okay,
well, we'll do this.

I'm gonna call that guy
up front.

He's gonna get something...
something to open it up.

Great, this is what you get
for flyin' bargain basement.

Taxi cab of the skies.

Hey guys, how's that little
gag workin' out?

Was it funny?

"Hey, let's lock him in there!

So dumb.

The angle right here?

It's hitting,
it's not tucking in.

They had to cancel D.C.
'cause they couldn't
get there.

Was it a good laugh?

It was probably worth it.

Sorry.

You guys are not supposed
to break the airplane
before we fly.

All right, guys, let's go,
wheels up.

Tonally speaking,
about what we're doing
on that stage.

What people are used to,

and we're not promising
anything different,
is the podcast.

And the podcast
is just the three of us
talking to one another.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Very rarely
talk to the audience.

So I think it's totally
natural for us to come out
and say,

"Hey Chicago,
great to be here."

But then it's almost, like,
we now sort of agree
to ignore you, audience.

And now we're going
to just do our podcast thing.

Here's the thing
to remember,

even though we're doing
the podcast,

people have paid a lot
of money to engage with us,

the first time
they're seeing us.

So we should remember
and feel free and open
to engage.

- Yeah.
- Here's my proposal,
which is...

SmartLess music comes up,
we walk out.

Now we're standing...

- ...downstage.
- Right.

We have
our usual banter.

"Look at Jason,
can you believe
that he fit into these jeans?"

Or whatever the thing is,
you know what I mean?

- And we don't sit down
until we introduce the guest?
- Until we get the guest.

- But then all that initial banter...
- I don't know.

...before guest
is engaged with the audience.

It seems too performative.

- I... I agree.
- Well, here...

We are doing a performance
so we gotta keep that in mind.

No. But that...
But that's exactly
what I'm asking right now.

- I know. I know. I know. So.
- Now I think that might
be a mistake.

But hang on.
Let me just finish.
Let me just finish.

Whether we do that
standing up or sitting down...

...I don't think
that we can put...

...rules on what
it's gonna be.

Because we're not leaving
ourselves open to being
in the moment,

and being part of the process

if we pretend
that they're not there.

I'm not...
not suggesting that.

So, that's great.
So we just gotta stay
open to that.

Will, did you see
this menu?

It's all salads.

I know. How did we agree
that we're ordering from here?

I can't. I can't.

Jason, this is your
kind of place.

Entree level salads?

- Yeah.
- I was thinking about that,
I was thinking about...

...how annoying I'm gonna be
to these room service folks about...

"Hey, did you have
an entree level salad?"

"No. Just dinner salads."

"Okay, I'll have four
dinner salads,

can you combine them
in a mixing bowl?"

- No.
-"We don't have
a mixing bowl."

"Okay, then just bring
the four dinner salads.

Do you have a side
of chicken?"

They're gonna see
your room number light up
and they're gonna go...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I'm gonna cap
it all off

with a gluten-free
oatmeal request
in the morning.

And I'm gonna get hanged up.

- Hung up.
- Don't... Don't peel that
and keep it low.

- That's alarming.
- Do you use
the built-in holder?

Or are you one
of those dingbats
that pulls it off...

...infects it with your dirty
dick beater,

and then put it
in your mouth?

No! And by the way,
it's not called the holder.

Sean and I are ordering
from The Palm.

- Yeah.
- Right?

- Yeah, it's steak.
- Great.

Yeah, I'm gonna try
and keep it fairly tight.

I put on weight
when I go outta town.

I... I don't wanna let it
get away from me.

I'm gonna... There's gonna
be, uh, a lot of fun eating opportunities

and I gotta have
some discipline.

Very large person in here
waiting to get out.

- Well, let's talk more
about it, for sure.
- Can we?

Well let's keep it,
first and foremost,
at all times,

food and weight loss
and how much, you know.

'Cause it's really interesting.

- Did I, um...
- Talk about it nonstop, yeah.

What?

Oh man, and I got a zit
the other day.

I saw that, don't pick it.

Now it's bleeding again.

- Did you bring
a medical kit?
- Yeah.

What else do you
have in there?

Do you have hydrogen peroxide?

We brought Dr. Pimple Popper,
she's on the plane too.

- Is she here?
- Don't. Don't. Don't.
Jay, don't... don't rub it.

Oh, tell me grandma.

What should I do?

I'm still young enough
to have acne.

That's... That's a problem.

- And a bleeding zit.
- You know what that means.

Hit by a bus.

I'm gonna get...
I think I might get,
and we have to cut this,

get a little surf and turf.

Oh, make sure you cut that.

- Yeah, why are we
cuttin' that?
- Yeah.

'Cause it's... it's kind of
extravagant, no?

Please tell me somebody
got that, are you long
on that?

Look what... Look
what's happening.

- Oh, nice.
- Thank you.

Do you have anything
sweat, like pastries
or anything?

- Uh oh.
- Um, we have cookies,
shortbread cookies.

Can I see them?

- Oh, my god.
- So you're gonna
start off today

with a bone-in ribeye steak rare.

Yeah.

Medium-rare
and don't look
at my order.

- Why are you looking
at my order.
- Why? 'Cause don't...

don't copy me then.

If you wanna keep your...
your... your fat intake secret.

It's not fat. It's gonna be
quite lean actually.

- Will it?
- Yeah. I'm having a...

- I'm having a salad.
- Well, we'll see.

I'm gonna be sitting
right next to you.

I'm gonna have a salad
and a steak

Can't wait for our little
dining room table.

Wow, that really changed.

It's hard...
This is emotional abuse.

- 'Cause it starts
as an attack.
- I hurt you,

- and then I get soft.
- And then... yeah. Yeah.

You don't know
what's comin', ever.

Yeah. Is that how you grew up?

- Yes.
- Is it?

- Head on a swivel.
- Look at the tears.

What was
the hardest part of that?

- Of growing up?
- Yeah.

With the head on the swivel.

That's a hot hand.

You're making
my knee sweat.

Yeah, I'm gonna have
that steak when we get
in there

'cause it's gonna
be dinner time.

And, uh, that's appropriate.

All right, so I have
to dental floss...

- ...after every meal--
- Oh, my god.

...because I get stuff
'caught in my teeth.

Especially raspberries,
strawberry seeds.

And I can't floss
unless I've got all
the germs off my fingers

- because, you know...
- Oh, my god.

I'm putting my fingers
in my mouth.

So this is my little routine
that you guys are just gonna
have to get used to.

Okay.

No.

I don't think...
we're not halfway
done with the flight,

and I don't think I can
do any more with him.

Not with him, not anymore.

This is a real nice aircraft.

What's that?

This is a real nice aircraft.

Yeah. Now, I'm gonna turn
off, transfer.

And now I can't hear
you at all.

Much better.

Watch how infrequently
he, uh, turns the page.

Like, an actual improvement.

You know?

Like, if we could do
the show like this,
it'd be great.

We're about, uh,
one minute to landing.

So we need to sit down,
have our safety belts on.

Thank you.

Well that's...
It's not warm.

Can you believe
we're actually here?

I can't. It's wild.

Dulles.
It's called Dulles.

I said the airport
was named after Jason,

'cause it's called "dullest."

Right? Oh, no, sorry.

- It's Dulles.
- Yeah, sorry.

Dullest.

I gotta tell ya.

I am, uh, excited
for our, um...

- I'm excited to eat. I know.
- ...our dinner.

So do you guys wanna
shower first or...

I showered right before
the plane.

Are you a morning showerer
or a night showerer?

I'm a night showerer actually,

but this morning I took
a shower in the morning.

So you don't shower
when you get up
in the morning?

I mean, if I have a gig
or something to go to,
I do.

A gig. How long
you been singing?

Um, let me ask you a question.

After you empty your body...

...that's when you put on
your day clothes
and you enter the world?

- Well no, I don't...
- You don't shower after you...

Pooping has no...
Pooping has no, like...

You poop all day long.

- No, wait, oh, woah!
- You don't take a shower
every time you poo.

Do you have, uh, a GI problem?

You know, I was thinking
about this,

because you mentioned
this the other day as well
to me,

Jason, you're like,
"Well, you don't shower
after you poop?"

And I'm like, "Who showers
after they poop?"

That's... You'd have
to shower, like, two,
three times a day.

- Like what kind of damage
are you doing in a--
- Just shower...

No, no, all you need
to do is just shower
at the top of the day,

and make sure your poop
precedes that.

Yeah, I... yeah.

- Okay? I mean.
- So wake up,
have some coffee--

- But stuff happens. Literally,
shit happens.
- Empty yourself.

- So.
- Then... Then shower, dress,
and... and drive to work.

Like, I have
a 9 to 5 job?

- Yeah, what're you
talkin' about?
- Where wherever you're goin'.

Can't you just wake up
a couple hours before
you're supposed to be there.

Get your business handled,
you know, with your coffee--

You've never had a situation
where you've had to go
in the middle of the day?

You know who shits
in the middle of the day?

People that don't get up
in time

to take care
of their business
in the morning.

So you got... You do
your business in the morning

and then you shower
and then you're all good
for the whole day?

Yeah. And that's it,
I don't... I don't have
so much...

- I think it's--
- But he doesn't consume...
he doesn't consume any food.

Yeah, I don't eat so much
food in the middle of the day,

that I have to create
more room by pushing
stuff out of me.

Okay, why don't you just try
eating a little bit less

and you'll only shit
once a day.

And by the way,
I think I'm similar
to most people

walking the planet.

- I know you think that.
- Yeah.

But I don't think you are.

Hmm.

Also, you're asking, like,
the questions of, like,

a wide-eyed
9-year-old right now.

I will be
showering tonight.

I won't shower tonight.
I'm gonna take a bath tonight.

Because... Because, uh...
A bath?

Yeah.

You're gonna what?

Why are you taking baths?

First of all.

First of all.

The concept of sitting
in a pot of your own juice...

...is something reserved
for broccoli, uh,
lobsters, um...

"Something reserved for."

And... And for humans
that needed to clean
before plumbing was invented.

- Guys!
- There it is,
Washington Monument.

- Washington Monument!
- Oh, my god.

- There's the Capitol.
- Wow!

Hey, where's the grassy knoll
where JFK got assassinated?

That's in Dallas
you stupid dick.

God.

Do me a favor, when we're out,
like, on this,

and we're out in front
of people--

- Try not to talk.
- ...can you guys not talk
at all.

- Yeah.
- Both of you.

Just don't say anything.

And that would be
really helpful.

What's that right there?

That's the same thing
we just [laughs] passed.

Jason, what size
are your feet?

- Uh, they're 12.
- Are they really?

- Yeah.
- They're huge.

- Hi there.
- Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Look at Marguerite.

- She's got it all dialed.
- Hello. Hi.

Marguerite, you are the best
tour manager ever.

Dibs.

- On whatever it is.
- On... On...

- On a room?
- On whatever the thing is.

Dibs.

- Okay.
- Oh, my god.

And strippers.

Cheese plates!

- Yay!
- This is crazy.

All right.

This is good.

Got a bath.

Huh.

Take a nice bath.

Bed, it's all I need.

Thinkin' about what
it is used to be.

If I was a younger man,
we woulda just...

...torn it up.

And now I'm
just thinkin', like...

"How early
is too early
for me to go to sleep?"

That's legit what I'm
thinkin' about.

At what point can I go
to bed and not get shit
for it?

Jay, what room
do you want?

I don't care,
I'll take whatever's left.

You can have that one.

- The nice one.
- Jason gets
the nice one.

But you know what?

We gotta give it to him because...

...'cause he'll just...
he'll l never stop complaining.

And we don't have...

...I don't have the strength
to put up with it.

You know?

So...

Hope you're happy,
dude!

I do hope
he's hap...

I also hope he's not happy.

Why did Marguerite
just send us a menu

for after the show,
back here at the hotel?

Why do you think?

- Because no one asked
her to.
- 'Cause I knew you'd be...

No, because I knew
you'd be grumpy.

No, I... I can wait until--

We're gonna
have dinner, though.

We're gonna eat
pre-show [stammers] a little,

but I'm not gonna stuff
myself before the show.

- I will.
- I bet you will.

And then...

And then post show...

Let's take a look
at what's on the table
over here.

- Yeah.
- From last night.

Look at this!

Look at all this shit.

This food, all this stuff.

This is all you, Bateman.

You ate all that shit.

So I'm protecting us against--

The rice cakes,
the almonds...

The Skinny Pop.

- The carrots.
- Skinny Pop!

- Is that what I ate?
- Plus your... your dinner.

Which was a superfood salad

with a grilled chicken
cut up on it.

Anyway.

Please remember your attitude,
remember your face.

- All of it.
- Again, is it smiling
right now?

- 'Cause that's what
I'm telling my face to do.
- It's not.

It's the opposite of smiling.

I'm happy right now.

It's so heavy and hanging.

We're gonna have
such a big meal at 5,

there's no way we're gonna
wanna eat when we come
back to the room.

What're you gonna do,
you gonna fuckin' hunker down
before the... the show?

- You're gonna go out there
just all... all...
- Yeah.

Yeah. All bloated.

Man, you guys have
never played in the NHL.

Here he comes.

Oh, yeah!

Restuff your junk again.

Put one more wrap
on your unit
and then come back out.

You wish!

What we does is he...
he wraps his unit in toilet
paper to build up girth.

'Cause it's very long
but it's super, super skinny,

and he's got a complex
about it.

He'll mummify it, you know,
with toilet paper,

if he ever has to do
a scene in underwear
or anything like that.

Uh, Sean, ask him about that.

Okay. Hey, Will!

Just a little bit...

...of cream to...

...moisturize.

I mean...

I know that it looks
it but I'm not getting
any younger.

He'll build, like,
a sleeping bag around it,

kinda, like,
with toilet paper.

He does not do that.

Yeah. He bubble wraps it.

Definitely have less hair...

...then I used to have.

That part is troubling.

I'm actually kinda hungry.
Are you?

Uh,
I've have some
rice cakes.

I'm okay.

I'm gonna have a rice cake.

All right,
I'm gonna get dressed.

Oh, I don't think we can
both be wearing white
soled sneakers

so go ahead and switch.

- Oh!
- Switch out.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

You know, I was first.
I was definitely first.

- Huh, it's weird.
- Huh.

Hey, it's cool,
it's a good look.

You both look like
you're, uh, you know,
sports casters

for NFL today or something,
you know?

- That's a nice jacket.
- "They're wearing
their dress sneakers."

Hey, we're young!

- You fuckin' tools.
- We gotta go.

Ready to go?

Let's do it.

I'm nervous
about the unknown.

You know?

Like, we've never done this.

But I'm also excited.

I'm excited. I'm ecstatic.

Excited.

I'm nervous.

That looks like
a government building.

- State--
- Department of State!

State Department, man.

Oh! And then what
is the monument in front
of us?

Is that
the Lincoln Memorial?

- That's the Lincoln Memorial.
- Oh, it is?

And then
to our left...

Washington Monument.

How do you know
all that, Will?

Ooh, there's a helicopter
goin' that way, do you think
that's the, uh, president?

No?

- Hey, Mike?
- Yeah?

Can we go take the van
and park it in front
of the Jefferson,

or the Lincoln behind us,
and get out,

walk inside real quick
and then come back
to the van?

Yeah, let's do little
five minute stops at each one
of these monuments.

Michael, were you part
of the January 6 riot?

Oh, okay.

Go ahead,
keep that conversation going.

Ask him what his personal
politics are.

Wait, did we just
do a big loop?

Yeah.

Mike, you're single-handedly
the worst tour guide

I've ever had in any city,
at any point in my life.

We're just driving in circles,
I just wanna get
out of the van.

We can't flip a U-ie
and get back there
to the Jefferson, huh?

Or the Lincoln?

Uh...

We're driving further
and further.

If you can slow down, Mike,
just a little bit, pal?
Thank you.

That's sarcasm.

Let's get to that Lincoln
Memorial as soon as you
possibly can.

Holy shit!

Motherfucker.

Are your flashers on
right now, Mike?

- Wow.
- Careful, jogger.

They're comin' for you, Mike.

There's a minimum speed.

It's usually driving slow
is the giveaway
that you're high,

by the way, Mike.

Wow.

Keep goin'.

Oh god,
that feels better.

- God.
- Hey, look!
The Marines or somethin'.

- The Marines of something.
- Sean. Sean,
they're not single.

Oh.

Wow, this is so cool.

Did you guys
see Rocky?

This is where he fought
Mr. T, right?

At the top of the steps.

- No, that's over
at the Washington Monument.
- Oh, okay.

Okay.

I actually think
that this grade.
I don't think it's to code.

- I...
- To be honest.

Stairs are too short.

- This is crazy.
- I don't wanna be the guy...

It is a little slippery.

They're too shallow
and too steep.

You'd never get away
with this now.

God.
How many people walk
on this every day?

It's amazing.

It's pretty wild, huh?

Uh, this is the Maxell
Tape guy, right?

- No, this is Thomas Jefferson.
- Oh.

Yeah.

By the way,
look how chiseled he is.

Definitely, uh,
did not have a lot of sodium
last night.

No sodium.

All right. Let's go.

Oh now, look at that,
that's next.

Yeah, isn't it...
Look at the view.

Should we walk
over there?

All the way down there?

Well, yeah.
What is it, a quarter mile?

Take us 10 minutes.

Well, we have to be
at the venue by 3,
is that right?

Yeah.

Why don't we keep
our walk going all the way
to the Capitol?

That's a long way.

What do you mean a long way?

- It's not even a mile.
- How far is it
from our venue?

Well, we're gonna have a van
for that.

- Yeah, what's the name--
- When's the last time
you had a chance to walk

from the Lincoln Memorial
all the way to the Capitol?

- Been a few years.
- Sorry, since January Sixth.

- Oh, man.
- Have you guys seen Ozark?

Oh, god.

So good.

Look at that.
Look how impressive
that is.

All right, Willy, come here.

- The Jefferson Memorial.
- It's the Washington Monument.

The Washington Monument.

Wow.

All right,
so to the White House.

By the way, Jason,
wait a minute.

- That's a long-ass walk.
- Yup.

- Yup.
- That is not longer
than what we just did.

No, but that...
that to the...
the White House?

Oh, you know
what we could do?

- It's so much better
than walking?
- You know...

- Have you noticed?
- Pop it.

Ba-boom.

- Here we go, cutting in.
Come on, Sean.
- Got it.

Oh, Jesus.

That was close.

That was super close,
you guys.

How far up the Capitol steps
do you think we can get
on these?

Watch this,
they put this here
for me.

Jump it!

- There it is.
- Wait, is that the back of it
or the front of it?

- Front.
- Can we get closer?

Yeah,
let's get closer.

It's just amazing
that nobody's here.

I know, it's wild.

Do you know
where we're goin'?

No. I... I can look.

- Hey, fellow Birders.
- Hi.

Yeah.

- Look at that.
- White House right here.

Pretty cool.

Fuckin' A.

Hey, guys!

Wow. You're telling me
there's gonna be somebody
in every one of those seats?

So we get up there
and then what?

Wow.

This is wild.

Dude. What have we done?

Oi!

Okay.

Crazy.

This is crazy.
I think we're...

Not to quote myself,
but we made
a huge mistake.

Guess who's hungry?

- Oh, yeah?
- Yep.

- Get seated. Find your spot.
- So I'm gonna rehearse
my sitting.

- Let me tell you what
doesn't look good.
- Oh, there's your smiley face.

Look what Marguerite did.

And I just did one of those.

Should we have snacks
out for our guest?

Oh,
we're gonna have coffee
mugs, stuff like that.

By the way,
speaking of coffee.

Wouldn't mind a coffee
run right now.

If you've ever noticed,
Jason needs, like,
four handlers.

- Because he has so many
requests and complaints.
- Endless.

Large, almond milk latte
with two sticks, please.

Can you imagine
the relief

of the crew
when they wrapped Ozark?

Go ahead, take his order.
What do you need now?

Are we gonna have
this much echo tonight?

- No. Really?
- Jesus fucking Christ.

So let me ask you this.

Hey, people over here.

Where does it get real ugly?

Nah, already?

The closer you get to camera.

You're definitely out
of the light by here.

What did he say?

- Cheers to that.
- Nothing.

Oi.

Get some food,
'cause you're a real
squeaky wheel right now.

This is fucking crazy
that we're here
and that we're doin' this.

- Yes. Amazing.
- What are you talking about,
the podcast or the tour?

- Both.
- All of it.

The podcast started
with you saying

you were gonna do
some bullshit,
boring sobriety podcast.

Right? Something about hiking.

What was it called,
The Campground?

The Journey.

I mean, close enough.
I don't have the energy
to tell you.

The Journey was
about sobriety, god bless.

It wasn't about sobriety.

But it was something
that was...

It was about people's
experiences.

And that triggered
a typical shitty response
from me going,

"Oh, boy. Let me just be
on that so, you can try to...

maybe the two of us
will keep people awake."

By the way, he chose
the word trigger,

which is amazing
'cause when he wants to talk
about his experience

he feels very triggered.

So I was just kinda
ribbing you,

and then the very next night
I see you at our friend's
house and I said,

"Oh, well you know,
Will and I are gonna
do a podcast."

- And then--
- That got me.

- ...a couple
of days later--
- You called a meeting.

- 'Cause we couldn't do
anything during COVID, right?
- Right.

- Isn't that the way
it all worked out?
- Yes.

Wait, you know what
before we do any more
time in here,

I wanna send
Marguerite out for something.

Yeah.

What did you order?

Gas-X and sugar-free Red Bull.

Thank god,
because if you didn't...

...I was gonna order it
for you.

Well, you don't wanna be
uncomfortable out there
and we just had dinner.

I know. Oh god,
could that possibly
happen out there?

- I will get gassy
if I have... if I have gluten.
- And just clench...

You can't just clench?

I can clench,
but I'd rather not.

And if I know that it's gonna
be one that isn't gonna
make any noise...

Yeah?

I'll go for it.

Have... Have you never farted
on a talk show?

While I'm
on the show?

Well, if you gotta go.

It's only gonna smell
if you haven't shit
for a couple days.

Until the Gas-X
and the sugar free Red Bull?

Oh!

- Marguerite,
thank you so much.
- Thank you, honey.

Thank you.

Some of these are really good.

Do you guys want some?

Look at these old men.

Tylenol, Gas-X, candy.

You want some Gas-X?

- No. Not anymore.
- Did you take some?

I took four.

- Dude.
- Because I just had a bunch
of kale for dinner.

You know, I didn't want
to have fucking steak
and lobster like you dicks.

You know,
I try to keep it real,
you know, but...

Real close to the toilet,
I guess.

I mean.

This guy's gearin' up.

- He's comin' back, he's back.
- What? What.

You guys are gonna crash
from that sugar.

- Am I?
- You are.

Thanks, doctor.

Man.

You guys heard
about that crazy accident?

What is it?

- Did you know
about this?
- What?

This guy dropped
his peanut butter
in the chocolate.

Did you know about this?

It's so dumb!

You are the dumbest
person alive.

Isn't that how
those commercials started?

"You got your peanut butter
in my chocolate."

Well, thanks for breaking it
down, genius.

Mmm.

You guys wanna talk
to a baby?

No, I don't.

And why do you have to do it

where we all have to hear it.

I'll go out here. I'm gonna
say goodnight to my baby.

Just fucking...
Just make a phone call.

Jesus, this guy.

Yeah. You know.

You stupid idiots.

Do you...
Do you honestly
do, uh, voice exercises?

Have to.

♪ Sean, do you think
We could do Broadway? ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ We could ♪

♪ But do you think
there's a chance we could
be in the same show? ♪

♪ Yes, yes ♪

- ♪ Yes, yes ♪
- ♪ Is there a chance
that we won't be a no go? ♪

See, that's Broadway, Jason.

That's talent.
This is what we're doing.

- Do you... Do you--
- Wake up.

- Do you have
a stage voice?
- No.

I've never done that before.

Have you ever
done theater?

- Yes.
- Wait, you said it like

it was to be... like,
you were proud
that you've never done that.

- No, I was proud
that I was able to do it.
- Oh, okay.

It sounded okay.

It sounded... It sounded good.

- Not good. I don't have
a good voice.
- But here's the thing.

You can kind of dance
and kind of sing.

Thanks, hey, you know what,
you're actually okay
at doing things.

No, but you're always like,
"I can't move,
I can't sing.",

- I can't.
- It's like, you can carry
a tune and you can move.

- I don't know if I can
carry a tune.
- Can you carry a tune, Jason?

- No. I don't even sing
in the shower.
- Try.

♪ Try ♪

♪ Try ♪

♪ Try ♪

Try it.

- Try it.
- Sing for real.

- No.
- Do it.

Right now. Five, four,
three, two, one.

- You have to.
- No, we're not playing
truth or dare.

No, it's Sing for Real, Summertime.

I didn't tap in,
I'm not playing.

I'm not even standing.

Do you know
Sing for Real?

When you make somebody
sing a song and they can't
do it as a bit.

- Yeah.
- You have to do it as well--

Sounds fun to play
one of these days.

- I'm not...
- All right.

♪ Summertime ♪

♪ And the living is easy ♪

- So bad.
- It's so uncomfortable.

I know, it's so uncomfortable.

Give me another song.

Welcome everyone.

Please remember to turn off
your cellphone.

This is a reminder
there is no photography
or recording permitted.

None at all!

Now, please enjoy the show.

Don't forget to enjoy!

♪ Now I come to you ♪

♪ With open arms ♪

Wait, are we doin'...
Are we doin' the...

Are they doing a thing
right now?

Oh.

♪ With open arms ♪

Hey, stupid ass.

Here we go,
this is the cold open.

- We're in it right now.
- Okay.

Let's pray
to the podcast god.

Okay,
what's the prayer?

The prayer is...

- Please lord pod...
- Podcast.

- Pod person. Pod person.
- Yeah.

- Please shine your happy,
funny, light, lovely light...
- Light, lovely, light.

- On us.
- ...on our

- stupid, stupid idea
to go live with this pod.
- Stupid, stupid idea.

- And.
- And?

- Welcome
to SmartLess.
- Live.

And we're walking.

We're walking.

We got the
rock and roll flashlight
on the ramp.

Oh, come around.

No!

No!

What the heck.

Woah!

Washington D.C.
thank you for having us.

- And please above all things
manage your expectations.
- Yeah.

Because it's just the three
of us

talking to a person
for an hour.

That's it.

- That's it.
- There's no...

That's it.

- That's it.
- So I hope you enjoy it.

Yeah.

We flew. And I've only been
to D.C. once before.

I loved it, but I was here
very briefly.

Sean, why don't you just relax

and get casual,
uncross your legs
a little bit.

So...

We, uh...

- And yeah, so we were--
- Wait, why did I bring
my phone out here?

- What am I doing?
- Oh, my god.

You brought your phone?

I... I... Listen.
I'm... I'm a doctor.

We were driving in
from the airport yesterday
and I said--

Oh no, we were driving along,

and there's some, uh,
some parkland or whatever,
and you know, and Sean...

...seriously said...

"Is that where
the grassy knoll is?

Or was it right..."

Not a bit.

Could not be less smart.

- Smartless.
- So...

Well, it was shocking
how little both of you knew
about anything.

Well, I...
What he didn't know,

this came from
the Washington Monument.

It was a big Eff You
back to Europe

that "We made it, we did it

and look we got
a monument now."

- And that's where
this all start--
- I don't know if that's true.

- I don't know if that's true.
- It's not, Sean!

Oh!

Jason, this morning
at one point he got,

sort of, like... sort of mad
at me when were in the hotel room.

And I said, "Do you know
what your face is doing
right now?"

'Cause the look
on his face was this.

And he goes, "Am I smiling?"

Is it? No,
you're doing the opposite
of smiling.

If anybody is north of 40
in this audience...

This is so heavy now...

...that I look...
I look concerned

when I'm just supposed
to be listening.

And so I have to tell
myself when I wanna
just be level,

I have to tell my face
to be semi-surprised.

It lifts... It lifts
it just a little bit

so now it's neutral.

And then if I want
to seem happy,

I have to think ebullient.

- Um, this is...
this is your guest, isn't it?
- Yeah, yeah.

By the way,
just to remind people,

- we... I... we don't
know who this is.
- We do not.

Jay and Sean legitimately
don't know who it is.

We never do.

And that is totally legit.

Now do you have
questions on you?

- Do you have cards?
- Do you have your intro
memorized?

No, this person
doesn't need an intro.

Oh, really?

Wow.

This person
has worn many, many hats.

This person was a cop.

- Oh.
- A race car driver,
a figure skater.

- Elizabeth Banks.
- This person
is America's best friend.

This person has been,
and will always be,

to me the funniest guy
that I know.

Mr. Will Ferrell!

What!

Oh, my.

- Whoo!
- I'm so mad at you.

Okay.

- Let's get--
- I asked you
is there a dress code?

You said...

...tuxedoes
and cool sunglasses.

And I swear I don't see
anyone in a tuxedo.

Okay.

It's February.

Sure.

It's pretty much the start
of the year,

so I thought I'd read
my New Year's Resolutions.

Good.

Stop saying "Pun unintended."

- Right.
- That's a good note.

'Cause I love puns.

- Yeah, sure.
- And whenever I use it,
I mean it.

Right.

I really wanna commit
this year to referring
to all money, slash cash,

as cheese or cheddar.

And $100 bills as blue cheese.

So can I have a couple
of those in blue cheese?

- Sure.
- Good request.

Good for you to say,
your agent calls you
and says,

"Well, we've got an offer,"

and your only thing is,
"How much cheddar
are they offering?"

Right.

Drink at least 50 liters
of water a day.

Fifty liters!

That seems like a lot.

Really try to stop breeding
exotic big cats.

Mostly, tigers and jaguars.

- Really try.
- Mostly.

Mostly.

Land voice over contract

- for REESE'S Peanut
Butter Cups.
- What the fuck?

Uh oh.

Oh, gee, that's what
he's doing.

Good luck.

Chicago...

Chicago P.D.

Chicago Fire.

Chicago Med.

These are the three shows
you're promising to watch
this year?

No, I'm just...

I just love 'em.

- You love 'em?
- Okay.

It's actually an ad.

This is actually
an advertisement.

That's a paid ad?

It's a paid ad.

What the fuck.

You don't know how much
blue cheese I just landed
right there.

Speaking of Chicago,
you look dangerously close
to Harry Caray right now.

Chicago P.D.

What's more excitin'
then solving a homicide
in Wrigley Field?

I'm sorry, I... I got a lot
more, should I just stop it?

Are you yawning right now,
Sean?

- Am I what?
- You were kind of yawning,
weren't you?

Oh, I started... I've been
yawning for 20 minutes.

That's the thing
I don't understand
about you guys

who do like movie
after movie after movie
after movie is like,

how do you adjust
and then have the energy
after 14 hours

to just get up and go,
like, be funny and--

Ambien. Coke.

I got two dopp kit.

- Okay.
- One's brimming full
of coke.

Does anybody here
know why it's called
the dopp kit?

- Anybody?
- Germany!

- Germany! Yeah.
- Yeah.

And what about it?

This is all a ploy.
We're trying to root out
the Germans.

- He's right there!
- Yeah! There.

- Get him!
- Right there!

Ask... Ask Will Ferrell
one question.

Oh, yeah, Sean.
Go ahead, Sean.

Why are your eyebrows gray?

Why are your eyebrows gray?

I... It's just...

I just always have had
gray eyebrows.

It's kinda my trademark.

- When you were a kid?
- Yeah.

It's that really expensive
Japanese tint,

- where you can gray... Yeah.
- No way.

- Yeah.
- No, I wanna know--

No, it's a part
of the aging process.

Walking out there
was crazy.

We're like, "What?
Why are you here?"

I know!
That's how I felt.

What are you doing?
Don't your TVs work?

I know!

How do you all feel
about how much we interacted
with the audience.

Because it's interesting
how crazy the audience gets

- after we give them permission
to interact with us.
- Yeah.

Then they feel like,
"Oh, I got a little bit

now I'll take a little more
and I'll shout out answers
and questions and comments."

But it's the lesser
of the two evils

because if we didn't say
anything to them,

- and let's say the curtain
was down...
- Yes.

...and we were already
there seated,

And the curtain came up
and applause, applause,
"Thank you,"

and then we just start
talking to each other,

they would never engage.

And probably the laughs
wouldn't be there.

- It's great that we come out
and talk to them.
- But...

But definitely... definitely
when we're sitting down

let's talk to each other
and not engage the crowd?

Well that's what I think...

No!

No, no, I'm saying he's saying

that maybe
they're participating
too much.

No, no, no, I know.
I'm joking because you
were, like,

"Then... Then let's not
do it."

And then, like, as the show's
going you're like,

"Hi, everybody!
Look who it is!"

And then I'm,
like, "Yeah, fuck, it's right
on time.

As soon as he could.

- As soon as I see
the faces.
- I know.

These people.

I can't believe they all
showed up.

I know! I know.

We didn't have a clock,
but that's okay.

Oh, my god.

But you're wonderful.

Oh, my god.

I'm wearing my own merch.

Did you not even
know the name of it?

Oh.

And you thought--

Wait, and you think,
like, what,

we were just doing,
like... like our list
of favorite stuff?

Oh, like... like...
What?

Do you think so?

Now that I see it
on the back...

Yeah, but we thought
it was a home run.

You know what I mean?
I mean...

Oi!

Hello, friend.