All language subtitles for Sarah.Silverman.Someone.You.Love.2023.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

[indistinct chatter]

I get it with no pulp.

If it has pulp,
I'm gonna send it back.

Okay.

Sarah, your nanny's
here with the triplets.

Oh, yay. Oh, my babies!

Good luck, Mommy.

Oh, sweetie,
I don't need luck.

You're a disgrace
to my people.

I know. Mommy's so bad.

Mommy, when will you be home?

[mockingly]
Mommy, when will you be home?

I'll be home when I'm home,
all right?

Colleen, thank you so much.

You're so amazing.

You know, everyone said,
don't get a hot nanny.

[sighs]

[whispering]
Oh, here I go.

Listen to Colleen, okay?

Do whatever she says.
Make sure you brush your teeth.

Your breath smells like shit.

Okay.

People of Earth,
introducing Sarah Silverman!

[sighs]
Sparkle, peanut.

[cheers and applause]

Hi, hello.

Hmm.

Holy shit!

Thanks.

[laughs]

I know, I'm gonna start
with, like, a--

a joke book style joke.

Uh, what did the Jewish mother

say to her porn star daughter

after watching her
in a gangbang?

[laughter]

You were the best one.

[laughter]

You were the best one
of all of them!

That's a great stereotype,
you know.

It's true--Jewish mothers,

they're just so bananas
for their kids.

"My Sharon had
all holes filled."

I've never seen
anything like it.

Anywhere you could put a penis,
there was a penis in my Sharon.

I have a girlfriend who told me

she's switching gears,
career-wise, and is now a--

a life coach?

Look, I'm not saying
all life coaches are crazy,

but I would maybe say that, uh,

crazy people are life coaches.

Is that fair?

She is in absolutely
no position

to give other people
advice at all.

It's so odd.

Maybe it's like the cobbler's
son has no shoes kind of vibe,

but it's bananas.

She can't be alone.
She's a total wreck.

She's like,
"I can't find a boyfriend,

"and there's no single guys,
and half of men are gay,

and I can't tell, and I don't
wanna waste my time."

And I'm like, "I don't know
if that's an exact statistic."

Then she says,
"I just wish that gay men

would wear some kind
of symbol."

And I said, "Um, somebody
thought of that already."

Look, is that the best
joke ever written?

No, I'm not saying it is.

But I do feel like
it's a very fresh take

on a Holocaust joke, you know,
it's--

'Cause during the Holo--
oh, God, I'm sorry.

Uh...

during the alleged Holocaust...

Homosexuals were made
to wear pink triangles,

and Jews had to wear
yellow stars.

Hold on a second--when was
Lucky Charms invented?

This cannot be a coincidence.

There's no way.

I'm not saying that
Lucky Charms are Nazis,

but I would be very interested
in knowing

what side of World War II
General Mills was on.

[cheers and applause]

All right, sure.

Was there an armband involved?

Was he putting Jews
in ovens thinking,

"You know what cereal needs?

"It's gonna sound so crazy,
but marshmallows.

"Not--you're thinking
of the big fluffy ones.

"No, these would be like
the small crunchy ones.

Is that even a thing?
Oh, my God, you guys."

My boyfriend was like,

"You can't say
'putting Jews in ovens.'

"It's, like, too harsh.

It doesn't help the joke,
you know,"

and I was just like, "Okay, so

"you want me
to soften the Holocaust?

"Is that--

"what should I say instead
of 'putting Jews in ovens'?

"Like, 'when he was being,
like, super cunty to Jews,'

does that work better for you?"

I would never buy a German car,
and my parents before me,

they never bought a German car,
because, you know,

we don't wanna give
our money to Nazis.

But, um,

I just bought a German car.

But only because
they're so good, you know?

Plus I feel like
all the original Nazis

are dead, you know.

And sure, there are new Nazis,
but, you know,

they don't know how
to make a car.

[cheers and applause]

Just imagine somebody watching
that, like, "Yes, I do!"

Like, oh, so you're a Nazi?

You know what I feel like?

I feel like I could walk up
to anyone on the street

and be like, "Hi, I don't know
you, this is so weird, but um,

"someone you love who has
passed on wants you to know,

"um, it's not your fault.

Does that make sense for you?"

I don't know.

I just feel like
maybe 100% of people

will know exactly
who I was talking about,

exactly what
I was talking about,

and they would be unburdened,
you know?

I mean, what a mitzvah,
you know.

I mean, I guess you could
get drunk with power,

by, you know, take it all back,
you know, like,

"Oh, there's something else, wait.

"It's not your fault.

"It's their fault for expecting
too much from you?

Does that resonate?"

My best friend Heidi is gay.

Actually, she just called me,
and she was like, look,

I don't care if you say
that I'm gay.

I don't care if you
call me a lesbian.

But if you're interested
in how I identify,

I identify as queer.

And I was so excited
because, you know,

she's my best friend.
I wanna honor that.

But also because I am from
this area, the Boston area.

[cheers and applause]

And it's just so exciting
to be able to be progressive

whilst saying,
"Hold on a second,

you're fucking queer?"

She's like, "Yes."

So my best friend Heidi
is fucking queer.

She's like,
"I actually don't think

you have to say 'fucking'
before it."

Yes.

I said I'm sorry.

She said,
"It's okay, I love you."

I said, "I love you, too,"
and we hung up,

and my boyfriend was like,
"Who was that?"

I go, "Some fucking queer."

But you know, I don't know if
it's growing up in New England

or growing up in the '80s
or some kind

of combination of both,

but homophobia was so
deeply embedded in us,

we didn't even notice it.

I mean, we played a game
on the playground

called Smear the Queer.

And it was just like nothing.

I mean, even teachers
were like,

"Look, if you're gonna play
Smear the Queer,

"do it on the other wall.

They're taking the PSATs
over here."

Just nothing, just normal.

So Heidi lives in New York,
and whenever I'm in New York,

we hook--you know, we--
not hook up, but we hang out.

We have--

we hang out and

scissor our pussies
together--no.

But we hang out,
and we meet, and--

by the vagina.

No, stop it!

Stop it.

So we meet in Washington.

We met in
Washington Square Park.

And she said, "I don't know
what's going on.

I've had diarrhea
for three straight days."

And I was like...

[smacks lips]
"Yeah, I don't know." And--

Well, you know,
I'm not a doctor.

So--and we're backpack people,

so she goes, "Go in my backpack
and get my water."

So I go in her backpack,
and I look,

and there is a huge,
mostly-eaten bag of prunes.

I pull it out, I'm like,
"Heidi, I solved the case.

You're, like, mowing prunes."

She takes the bag.

"They're not prunes,
they're dried plums."

I said,
"Let me ask you something.

What do you think prunes are?"

She said,
"Are they dried plums?"

She's a therapist, by the way.

I feel like I need you
to know that.

But look, I get it.

Big Prune was probably like,
"We need to rebrand.

We're the shit fruit."

I get it, it's smart.

I'd love to be
in that pitch meeting.

Pete, what do you got?

Uh, Texas raisins?

Okay, sure, they are like
big, wrinkly raisins.

But raisins is already a thing.

Pamela, what do you have?

Uh, bathtub toes?

Okay.

That's creative,
a bit of a thinker.

But of course,
they went with dried plums.

Good.

They should go
with dried plums, of course.

That's what they are.

But there should be a warning
on the label, you know.

Warning--these are prunes,
though, right?

So we're walking and talking,
as we love to do,

and we kind of park ourselves
across the street

from a Catholic school
that's letting out.

And first of all,
I just wanna say,

I'm so glad there's still
Catholic school.

Because, you know,
they canceled the Boy Scouts.

And then I thought
they were gonna cancel,

like, all the molesty things.

No, they held strong.

Good for them.

I feel bad for the Boy Scouts.

It's so unfair, you know?

All they wanna do is learn
how to, like, tie knots.

And now they can't
because grown-ups

won't stop trying to fuck them.

It's like--
and they're punished.

It's stupid.

I--listen, I'd love
to think of a solution.

I'm spitballing here,
but I'd love to be able

to have the Boy Scouts again.

It's just an idea--

cameras and boys' assholes.

Hear me out.

Hello, Sharks.

No.

You're probably
thinking of, like,

a colonoscopy type situation.

No, this would be facing out,
you know, like a--

like a Ring camera, you know?

And you can send your kid there
and not worry

and just keep an eye out.

If any shenanigans happen--oh!

Get away
from our son's asshole!

Okay. He's gone.

I'm gonna put down
the make-believe phone.

So we're standing
across the street

from a Catholic school
that is letting out.

And it's boys
and girls leaving,

and the girls are all wearing

Catholic schoolgirl uniforms...

like from porn.
I--

I have only ever
seen that in porn.

It was very jarring.

Look, I get it, you know,
Catholic school started it,

but, like, porn finished it.

I--you know?

Maybe it's time
to go another way,

you know, a slack, maybe,
or something.

But they're really
holding strong.

You know,
it's like people who go,

"You know, the swastika
was originally

a Hindu symbol for good luck."

Okay, but, like--

not anymore, right?

Okay, so we're standing
across the street

from a Catholic school
that's letting out,

and the kids are leaving,

and I can no longer contain
myself like I once could,

and I just went,
"There's no hell!"

And one of the kids
was like, "What?"

"I--I'm an adult, and I
promise you, there is not hell.

"It's a const--
it's made up by people

"to manipulate you
through fear.

"It isn't real, I promise.

"And I promise that
knowing there isn't hell,

"you won't suddenly
murder or something.

You'll still be a good person."

And Heidi said, "You can't
tell other people's kids

there's no hell,"
and I was like...[gasps]

"Did I ruin hell for them?"

But I just can't
bear the thought

of people fearing hell,

moving through their lives
fearing hell.

Hell is so terrifying,
you know.

I went to church growing up
all the time,

because I grew up
in New Hampshire.

And I would sleep over at
friends' houses on Saturday,

and then I would have to go
to church with them on Sunday.

And it was terrifying,
you know.

I mean, the priest was
threatening us with hell.

It was so scary, you know.

The only fun part
was the wafer.

And every time I went to go up,

the mother would go, "Not you!"

I mean, even as a little kid
I was like,

"You know, it's not really
the body of Christ.

You--like, you bought this
at Costco."

What is your fear,
that I'm gonna, like,

put a schmear on it?

But it is really scary, church.

I mean, I'm sure,
hashtag, not all priests.

But it was terrifying.

Like, if you saw
a person screaming

at a kid on the street, telling
them they're gonna, you know,

burn in a fire for eternity,
you'd probably

call, like, Child Services,
you know.

Yeah, there's a man
threatening a child.

What's--oh, he's in all black,
and he's got, like,

a, um, like, a white
embellishment on the collar.

Oh, that's okay?

All right. I'm sorry?

Oh, and they don't
pay taxes, great.

Okay, bye-bye.

[cheers and applause]

I just--I can't bear
the thought of people

making choices from, like,
fearing hell, you know.

I mean, I'm sure this is a
godless crowd, but I mean--

[cheering]

Yeah, sure, I mean,

doesn't make you better
than anyone else,

but yes,
we're mostly godless here.

I'm sure there are
some people that are--

believe in hell and st--
not like, "Who are you?

Raise your hand."
I mean, I--

No, I have God people
in my life, you know.

My sister's a rabbi.

My--I sexted with a "Jeshuit"
priest for three years.

So hot.

My God, and it is "Jeshuit,"
because, like, I said Jesuit,

and then he was, like,
"No, it's 'Jeshuit,'"

And then I was like,
"Is it Je-shus?"

I wasn't sure if it was
a speech impediment.

But no, it's "Jeshuit."

But if you fear hell, I just,

I wish I could release you
from it.

So, um, someone you love
who has passed on...

Wants you to know, no hell.

There's no hell.

How about this?

[scattered applause]

Oh, thank you, all four of you.

Audiences,
they usually work as one,

but you really made a choice.

How about this?

If there's hell,

may God strike me dead
right now.

[cheers and applause]

See? No God.

I, um--

I don't--
look, maybe there's hell.

I mean, I know I seemed
really positive about it,

but the only way I know--
listen, if the burden of proof

were on me, no, I can't prove
there's no hell.

But I just know
there is no hell

because I believe it
with my whole heart.

And that's science.

You know, but I really do.

It's like anti-choice
protesters, you know,

outside of our
dwindling abortion clinics

with their big posters
of fetuses,

and, you know, they believe
with their whole heart

that abortion is murder.

So that puts me in a pickle,
but I--

I almost feel, like,
a fucked up kinship with them

because I don't like
what they're doing,

but they just
believe something.

Really, it's the disingenuous
politicians that are stripping

our rights away
for no good reason

that I hope go to the hell
I don't believe in, I guess.

But I--

[cheers and applause]

But these people, you know,
they just believe.

And I know what that is.

I know what that feels like
to just believe something

with your whole heart, so much
so that you want other people

to believe it, too, you know.

I just think that if what
you believe is righteous,

you should be able
to convince other people

using just only
what is the truth.

And, uh, fetuses
are not poster-sized.

They're just--

They're only small.

I mean, if fetuses
were poster-sized,

I'd be like, yeah,
that's a life, you know,

but they're not.

They're just teeny-tiny.

I mean, if fetuses
were poster-sized,

those same people would
probably hunt them.

It's conjecture on my part,
and I looked it up,

and that is the right word.

Look, make the poster.

I support you, just make it
actual size, you know?

This is life!

This is life!

This--

That's life.

Oh, buh.

You're just,
you're not changing my mind.

You're just convincing me
and everyone at FedEx Kinko's

that you're, like, super gross.

I don't know.

I just don't buy
that this is about life

or caring for life or--
[applause]

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

And I feel so weird
saying this,

but it's gotta be
about hating women or...

maybe fearing women?

You know, because if fetuses
weren't inside our bodies,

they'd be everywhere.

You know, we'd spray for them.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, all right.

If fetuses weren't
inside our bodies,

it would just be like,
"Yeah, I was talking to Mike

"about doing a block party.

"Maybe everyone could
bring their own--

"I'll bring my famous egg--
oh, gross.

My famous egg salad."

I'm not a good improviser.

I don't know how that--

Where the block party
came from.

I had an existential crisis,
a crisis of existence.

It was--well,
I was watching TV.

Listen, I'm cool,
I watch all the streamers,

but at night,
I watch regular cable TV

because I must fall asleep
to "Law & Order."

And you know, that's on,
like, USA or Ion Television

or MeTV or whatever.

And I just--I don't know
what it is--

I can't fall asleep unless
it's to the dulcet tones

of softcore murder.

But, um--

so I'm watching,

and this commercial comes on.

It's for Cottonelle Extra
Clean, which--

[audience member whistles]

Thank you.

I wipe my pussy with it.

All right.

Well, I do--it is--

as a sidebar to this
existential crisis story,

it is my brand, I will say.

I just--because I like
the ripples, and it really--

it doesn't break apart into
a thousand pieces in my vag--

I'm not trying to make
you all come, but I need--

a strong toilet tissue

for my asshole and vagina,
and--

or vagina and asshole.

It's a front-to-back
correction for the ladies.

Wait.

No, but everyone, not the la--

everyone wipes front to back, right?

Did you just say no? Oh, yes.

You know why I wasn't
thinking men

is 'cause I, um,

I don't know
where your front starts,

you know, like, I just--

But I'm the worst, though,
like, I'm gonna be hon--

I don't know where my pee comes
out of specifically, you know.

I only know it's
at least three places, but I--

okay, back on track,
the special.

Oh, existential crisis.

So this commercial comes on.

It's for Cottonelle
Extra Clean.

And this is the commercial--
there's a woman standing

in a field with a microphone,
and then there's a row

of outhouses where I guess--

I don't know,
people come from far and wide

to take shits?

And--is the premise.

And as people come out,
she interviews them.

Okay, so a guy comes out,
and she says, "How did it go?"

And he goes, "Good."

And then she goes,
"Do you feel clean?"

And he goes, "Yeah."

And then she says--

by the way, what's this?

There's a microphone
right here.

What's this?
I don't need to do that.

So she says, "How'd it go?"
He says, "Good."

She says, "Do you feel clean?"
He says, "Yes."

And then she says,
"Clean enough to go commando?"

This is when everything
I understood about life

just went kablooey because--

Do we wear underwear

to keep from getting shit
in our pants?

I've never understood life
to be this way.

We're--we're just
ballparking it

and then pulling up
a cotton shit shield.

Keep our chinos clean.

That's fucking disgusting.

I'm sorry,
I do not leave a bathroom

unless I am clean
2 inches deep.

You're supposed to wipe
until it comes back clean.

Are you fucking kidding me? No.

For me, there must be blood.

Just a dot, you know.

It's just like a stoplight.

Red means stop.

Green means go, I guess,
to the hospital, I guess?

[in deep voice]
Hello? Hello?

I can get pretty low.

When I come home, I'm scared,
and I walk around my house

like this--
[in gruff voice] Hello, hello.

I look under my bed. Hello!

Look in the closets. Hello!

Hello!

I don't know
what I'm going for.

It's like, it's not just that
I wanna sound like a man.

I wanna sound like
a fucking lunatic.

Hello!

What do I think
is gonna happen, like,

murderers are gonna be like,
"Let's get out of here,

"this guy's crazy!

What is he, a life coach? Oh!"

Oh! Yeah!

It's called the callback, baby.

Oh, my God. What happened?

Jesus Christ.

I know this is impossible,

but it feels like
they switched.

I have a dog.

She's not gonna protect me
if murderers come over.

You know,
she'll just lie on her back

and be like, "Rub my belly."

But I don't know, in that way
I feel like she would

protect me 'cause murderers
would be like,

"Oh, what are we doing?"

Oh, I got
the greatest road gig.

I got to go to Hawaii
to do stand-up.

Like, I got paid
to go to fucking Hawaii.

[cheering]
And thank you, thank you.

So I go--I go to the hotel,
super fancy hotel,

and I go to check in.

Oh, and the lady at the
front desk recognized me,

and she was like,
"Oh, my God, I love you!

You are in my top four
all time favorite comedians."

And I was like,
"You know that I know

that means I'm fourth, right?"

I'm not walking away
from this like,

"Ooh, maybe I'm second,"
you know, no.

There's no top four.

I should've
just said thank you.

So I go put on my bathing suit.
I'm so excited.

I'm gonna go swimming
in the pool,

fancy schmancy hotel pool,
cabanas, the whole thing.

And in the pool area,
there is a sign,

like, a professionally made sign.

And it says,
"If you have diarrhea

"or have had diarrhea
in the past two weeks,

you are not permitted
in our pool."

I mean, just say it--
no Jews allowed.

That's a micro-aggression.

Right?

Are there any Jews here
tonight?

[cheering]

Whoa, okay, keep it down.

Just do this.
These are precarious times.

I've been so worried
on this tour because I'm in,

like, every town,
and I feel like people--

you know, there might be
someone going,

"I wanna kill all the Jews
in Boston.

But how will we get them all
into one room?"

Hello.

Real Lenny/Squiggy moment.

Who's Jewish, just real close?

[audience cheers]
You, doll.

What's your name, doll?

Kim.

- Kim.
- [unintelligible]

What'd you say?

[unintelligible]

Oh, Kim Epstein. Aw.

[laughter]
No, don't let him have Epstein.

Think of Juan Epstein. Hey!

Signed, Epstein's mother.

Huh? This is your wife?

All right.

She took your name?

- So--
- Hyphened.

Oh, what's the hyphen?

Martin.

Huh.
Now I forgot your first name.

Kim Martin-Epstein, hello.

Can I--all right, Kim, may I
ask you a question as a Jew?

Okay.

Have you ever gone 14 days
with zero diarrhea?

That would be absurd, I know.

No, that would be--
that would be, uh...

considered a miracle
in our religion, right?

I mean, what's the big miracle?

Hanukkah.

You know what that miracle is?

A lamp worked.

Longer than expected.

This blows that
out of the water.

We light this candle

to celebrate

Kim Martin-Epstein,

who, despite only having enough
Imodium A-D for two nights...

Lasted 14 nights.

And she was able to swim

at the Four Seasons pool,
praying and--

I don't know why people
hate Jews so much, you know.

I mean, I get a little,
but so much?

There's barely any of us.

I mean, Jews make up, what,
like, 1/5 of 1% of the world.

Like, if you round down,
there are zero of us.

Fucking relax, Jews will not
replace you, Tyler.

We could barely
replace ourselves.

I even asked Siri.
I go, "Hey, Siri." Boop boop.

"How many Jews
are in the world?"

And she said, "Too many."

I was like, Siri!

Disable location.

Just to be safe.

Let's switch gears.

Hitler wrote a book.

Oh, snap!

We stayed on topic.

What's Hitler's book called?

all:
"Mein Kampf."

Some of the non-Jews I feel
like answered that as well.

No, I keep it
on mein nightstand.

What does "mein kampf" mean?

- all: My struggle.
- My struggle!

Don't yell at me about it.

That's what "mein kampf" means,
my struggle.

That's what Hitler's book
is called, "My Struggle."

That's what "mein kampf" means,
my struggle.

Is there a more
Jewish-sounding book than

-actual Hitler's book?

Should I call this special
"My Struggle"?

Wouldn't that be funny?

[cheers and applause]

I mean, I should call it
"My Struggle."

Honestly, because I feel like
people would believe

that I would take myself
that seriously

to call my comedy special
"Sarah Silverman--

My Struggle."

But also because, like,

when it, you know,
gets translated for Germany...

Some people who would buy it
would be in for, like,

a really big surprise.

I read something about Hitler
I couldn't believe.

I thought I knew everything
there was to know

about Hitler because, you know,
Jews are real Hitler heads.

We wanna know everything.

But I was Wikipedia-ing him,

and--because I had
five minutes.

I never knew this--
maybe you know this.

I never knew this.
This is true.

Hitler, for years,
molested his niece.

[audience murmurs]
Yeah, now he's really canceled.

Can you believe it?

I can.

He's probably like, "I don't
know, I killed 6 million Jews.

What, am I gonna
not molest my niece now?"

Yeah, that was
the right response.

I just feel so-- [sighs]

Like, I do this podcast,
and on it, I'm so--thank you.

[cheers and applause]

But I'm so earnest
on it, you know.

And in the past
couple of years,

I've been so Jewy on it,
you know?

Like, I'm godless.

Well, I'm a godless Jew.

People are like, "How can you
be a godless Jew?"

You can.

That's what's so great
about it.

But I--[laughs]

I, um, I've just been
so Jewy on it,

and I think because
there's been so much--

such a rise in anti-Semitism,
and it's like--

I don't know, it's like
if you go, "My mom's a bitch,"

and your friend goes, "Yeah,
your mom's a fucking bitch,"

and you're like,
"What'd you say about my mom?"

But then, you know,
my boyfriend goes,

"Yeah, but then
you do stand-up,

"and you're like,
'Jews are gross,

Jews have diarrhea.'"

And I'm like, "Aw."

Try to justify it.

Like, maybe it's like
I'm, like,

taking back the night
kind of vibe.

But no, I'm, um,

selling out my culture
for laughs.

I mean, if you think about it,

what could be more
authentically Jewish?

No, I'm sorry. I can't help it.

It makes me so much money.

Thank you.
Well--

not your problem, this is my...

kampf to deal with
on mein time.

I feel like I have relationship
advice, really, for men.

You know what?
For tops, I would say.

But, um,
how do I get into this?

Like, I have these friends,
they're a couple.

They're a heterosexual couple,

and I'm good friends
with both of them.

But my God, the guy just--

I watch him repeat the same
pattern over and over again

and it drives me insane.

How do I explain it?

There's an example,
like, she cut her arm.

She's like, "Ow, my arm!"

He says, "You're okay."

Has that ever worked?

Ow, my arm!

You're okay.

Oh, my God, you know what?
I am okay.

Thank you. No!

She doesn't feel worried about.

There's no gesture of concern.

Now she has to double down.

It fucking hurts!

Is that what you were
looking for, Kevin?

Was that the reaction
you wanted?

And yet he does it again
and again, he does this.

And I get it.

I know why he says,
"You're okay."

It's because he very much
wants her to be okay, you know.

And also it's probably
partly like,

you know how with toddlers,
like if a toddler falls down,

our reaction is like,
"Oh, uh, um--mm."

You know,
because they look to us

for a cue,
so we've gotta, like,

fucking pull our shit together
and act like they're fine.

I get that, but women

are not toddlers, they're--

They're just like
regular people, you know?

They want to feel like
you are worried or you're--

just like you do, you know,
just some kind of, like--

just triple the worry.

That's all he has to do,
and he'll get--

he doesn't even
have to mean it, you know?

Ow, my arm!

Fuck, babe, are you okay?

Now she feels cared for.

Now she is okay.

Oh, it's all right,
it's just pain.

What's up?

You know, like, it's--

that's what you want.

He never learns.

Although I will say,
my boyfriend has watched me

do this bit a few times now,

and I swear to God, he has
been markedly more attentive.

So I guess my advice would be,

start doing stand-up comedy.

Really hone it
for years, decades even.

Become one
of the all-time greats.

Or--

Or hey, you know,
somewhere in the top four.

And manipulate your loved ones
through observational comedy.

It's so funny how language
is always changing, obviously.

We don't walk around
saying "doth"

or whatever, a good example?

You know, now we
get the pronouns

and everything--good.

It's really not a big deal.

It's so funny to me
when people are like,

"God, with these pronouns!"

You can fight it.

We're all gonna be saying it
like muscle memory

in five years, you know.

But they always fight it.

I'm so excited to call you
they/them

or whatever the fuck, and I
fuck it up 100% of the time.

And I go, "Oh, God!"

And they're always like,
"Yeah, don't worry about it."

They just--just try.

They just want you to try,
that's all, a little effort.

It's like what they say
when you go to France.

You don't just
walk up to someone

and be like,
"Where's the Eiffel Tower?"

You know, it's like, fuck you.

Just, you have to try,
that's all.

You know,
they do all speak English,

but you have to go,
"Uh, parlez-vous--"

oh, don't worry about it.
I speak English.

What do you want? You know.

But I believe in us.

We learned Galifianakis
after just one Hangover movie.

We can do this.

Then there's language
that we've just always known

since we were born,

and we don't think twice
about it.

You know,
we don't question it at all.

I'm talking about balls.

You know, we--

I get it, you know, balls.

She's got balls up there, you
know, a girl pair of balls.

Or, like, oh, he's got balls.

That's what we're using?

Balls? Really?

I mean, to mean guts
or moxie or nerve

or courage or strength,
human balls?

I'm sorry.

Is there anything more fragile
in the whole world?

Even a Faberge egg you could, like,

kick down a step, you know?

Balls have to be
the exact right temperature.

Like, they're more finicky
than the Moderna vaccine.

You know, they--

Oh, my God,
balls are so fragile.

Like, when you go in the ocean,
your balls are like,

"Ooh, I'm cold!

I've gotta get up close
to the body!"

That's what we're using
for courage, bravery?

Oh, I'm hot,
I've gotta get low.

Lower!

Let me just peek out
your shorts for one second.

I get it, balls is fun.

You know--balls is fun?

That can't be right. No, it is.

Balls--balls the--
the--the phrase.

What is it?

Right, it seems like
it should be balls are fun.

[audience shouting]

Thank you, lesbian.

No, I get it.

Grammar-wise, I go,
balls is fun to say.

But, like,
"balls" the phrase is fun.

Sorry, my mother
was a grammar Nazi.

The worst kind of Nazi.

But listen,
it doesn't offend me.

Yeah, I say balls.
Yeah, he's got balls.

But you know what I say now,
and it's so much more fun?

Grow a pair of lips.

It's so good.

That guy's got lips to say
that, got fucking lips.

It's fun.

Even my boyfriend says it now,
and he's a toxic male.

But it just
makes more sense too.

I'm not just trying to be
like "the feminist version."

I mean,
vaginas are so resilient.

You know, they push out
entire human beings

and then snap back, like,
maybe 60%, but--

that's hot.

It's just crazy.
Balls are pussies.

Pussies are balls.

You know when you hear about,
like, mindfulness, you know,

mindfulness, ooh, mindfulness.
Be mindful.

I feel like it gets
a real eyeroll.

Yeah, it sounds very, like,

coastal elite
liberal tears-ish.

What the fuck
is happening right now?

Hold on, I'm gonna
piece this together.

I know what happened.

He saw no way out.

He had to pee,

and then
he went over a railing.

And it seems like
he wanted attention,

but he didn't,
because I was like,

we're all looking at him,
and he was just like...

I gave you a tucked ass,
but I--

I have a juicier ass
if I want it.

But I can slip a disk.

Mindfulness, yes,
can be very eye-rolly.

But the truth is,
all it means is, like,

to be aware of something
and then act accordingly.

Mindfulness--
it isn't a big deal.

It's like if you're going
to a party and your friend,

before you went, said, "Listen,
you might see Nancy there.

You should know her son passed
away a couple years ago."

Mindfulness.

Now you not to go up to Nancy
and be like,

"Nancy, how's your alive son?"

It's pretty simple.

You know, it's not a big deal.

Although I--
one time I was, um,

I did a television pilot
with a producer

who's in a wheelchair.

He's been in a wheelchair
his whole life.

And after work one day,
we all went out to eat,

and we're laughing, talking.

People are talking about,
like, you know,

what they're watching on TV, whatever.

And all of a sudden I get
this idea, and I'm so excited.

And I look at him, and I go,
you know what you would love?

And he said, "What?"
And I said, "Walking."

Yeah, I thought it was funny,
too, you know?

He did not laugh.

My heart, it was--
I felt so bad.

And it was even worse, too,
because when I thought of it,

I got so giddy and excited.

And I was like...

[chortling]
"You know what you'd like?"

Fucking asshole.

In my defense,
I was not made aware

that he could not take a joke.

Oh, I have new, um, porn.

I have a new, like,
porn genre I watch,

different from my last special,

so I thought
I should catch you up.

It's really--
I feel good about it

because it feels like
a victimless crime, you know.

It's basically, like,
very verbally abusive,

verbally dominant men

having sex with pocket pussies.

Now...

What is a pocket pussy?

Some of you may not know.

It's just what it sounds.

It's a disembodied vagina
that you can have sex with.

And, uh, it's k--um--
I guess--and the--

what it is, is, they--

they take the pocket pussy--
it's very niche.

There's only a few
of these videos.

But they seem to, like, wedge
it between their mattress

and their box spring.

And I don't know
if this is part of it,

but there always seems
to be maybe, like,

a pile of laundry
in the background.

And then they have sex with it.

And then the verbal part is,
they're like,

"Yeah, you whore,
you want this,

you slut, you bitch."

And it just does it for me.

I don't know why.

I would not want this
in real life.

Oh, my gosh, look at you.

There is a grown man
like this--

ah!

It's so cute.

Oh, my gosh.

It's also just when they do it,
it does it for me.

But it also--and I know,
they're so, like,

verbally abusive and--

but it's also just very
vulnerable because, you know,

like, there's--there isn't
a person there.

I don't know, look--are men
who film themselves having sex

with a pocket pussy creeps?

Sure, yes.

But what does that make the
nice lady who's watching them?

I'll tell you--a hero.

I just feel like, too,
if I had a penis,

I feel like
I would love a pocket pussy

just from the sound.

Like, it sounds like--
[clicks tongue]

I can't do it.

I didn't know, it's suctiony.

What else is in the news?

All right.

God, my biggest fear,
my all-time number-one fear

is getting dementia
and masturbating in public.

I am...

terrified,

terrified of this.

And it's really ruined
my life because even when

I go to do what's perfectly
natural in my own bedroom,

under my own covers with my
phone, which is masturbate--

to that--

I can't even
come to fruition anymore

without suddenly feeling like,

"Oh, my God, am I doing this
at my grandson's bar mitzvah?"

Like, you know.

Bet you never
thought of that one.

Anyway, now you will.

You know, I was thinking
about this today,

and I have
a very strong moral compass.

I was just thinking
about this today--

very strong moral compass.

And then I realized that
you can't say moral compass

without come and piss.

And I was so excited, you know?

And then I realized that
you can't say moral compass

without oral, come, piss.

And I was so jazzed.

And then I realized that
you can't say moral compass

without mmm, oral, come, piss.

And I was so excited.

I was like, "That's me!"

Thank you, Boston!

[cheers and applause]

[gentle piano music]

♪ ♪

♪ I got something to tell you ♪

♪ But I don't
want to tell you ♪

♪ But your breath smells like ♪

♪ The shit
of a really sick dog ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I got something to tell you ♪

♪ But you won't like it ♪

♪ Fine, I'll tell you ♪

♪ But your breath smells like ♪

♪ A stomachache feels ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Also when we're
in a quiet car ♪

♪ And you bite into an apple ♪

♪ The sound of your chewing ♪

♪ Makes me wanna fucking die ♪

♪ Oh, and one more thing ♪

♪ Well, actually,
two little things ♪

♪ And they are in the corners ♪

♪ Of your gross mouth ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Go like this ♪

♪ And then flick ♪

♪ And then boil your hand ♪

[dramatic drum rhythm]

♪ Your breath smells like
an everything bagel ♪

♪ But the everything
on that bagel ♪

♪ Isn't seeds ♪

♪ It's not seeds ♪

♪ ♪

♪ It's human shit ♪

♪ ♪

[soft piano music]

♪ ♪

♪ I've got something
to tell you ♪

♪ But you won't like it ♪

♪ Fine, I'll tell you ♪

♪ But your breath smells like ♪

♪ A stomachache feels ♪

[laughs]

[bright tone]