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1
00:00:07,248 --> 00:00:08,698
Have you seen
my maternity
boxer shorts?
2
00:00:08,836 --> 00:00:09,871
No.
3
00:00:31,652 --> 00:00:35,794
♪ Tell me why
I love you like I do
4
00:00:35,932 --> 00:00:40,040
♪ Tell me who
can stop my heart
as much as you
5
00:00:40,178 --> 00:00:42,180
♪ Let's take each other's hand
6
00:00:42,318 --> 00:00:45,838
♪ As we jump into
the final frontier ♪
7
00:00:55,641 --> 00:00:57,436
Okay, I have the name.
Are you ready?
8
00:00:57,574 --> 00:00:58,782
What is it?
9
00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:00,336
Sit down. I want you to be
sitting down for this.
10
00:01:00,474 --> 00:01:03,408
Uh-oh. All right, all right.
I'm sitting.
11
00:01:03,546 --> 00:01:04,788
Close your eyes.
12
00:01:04,926 --> 00:01:06,583
Open your mind.
13
00:01:06,721 --> 00:01:08,620
Picture, if you will,
14
00:01:08,758 --> 00:01:09,931
Mirabella.
15
00:01:11,243 --> 00:01:12,831
Okay. How about if
it's a boy, Newsweek.
16
00:01:12,969 --> 00:01:15,282
All right.
No, go ahead, mock me.
17
00:01:15,420 --> 00:01:16,628
What is it with you?
The last 10 weeks,
18
00:01:16,766 --> 00:01:18,285
all you're doing, you're
feeding me girls' names.
19
00:01:18,423 --> 00:01:20,873
I got a couple
of boy's names.
Please.
20
00:01:21,391 --> 00:01:22,323
Otto.
21
00:01:23,152 --> 00:01:24,739
Otto.
22
00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:27,604
Otto. That's a nice name
if you're bald
and have a monocle.
23
00:01:27,742 --> 00:01:29,365
Fine
RECEPTIONIST: Hello, Buchmans.
24
00:01:29,503 --> 00:01:32,471
Hi. We're here
to see Joan.
25
00:01:32,609 --> 00:01:36,165
Well, why don't the three
of you fill that out
and we'll be right with you.
26
00:01:36,303 --> 00:01:37,511
You know, it's easy
to shoot down names.
27
00:01:37,649 --> 00:01:38,857
Let's hear some of yours.
28
00:01:38,995 --> 00:01:40,755
I got many o' name.
Uh-huh.
29
00:01:40,893 --> 00:01:42,032
Joseph.
30
00:01:42,171 --> 00:01:43,413
Andy.
31
00:01:43,551 --> 00:01:44,759
Michael.
32
00:01:44,897 --> 00:01:46,071
Janet...
33
00:01:46,209 --> 00:01:47,555
Jermaine, Tito.
34
00:01:48,384 --> 00:01:50,075
Honey...
La Toya.
35
00:01:51,249 --> 00:01:53,043
Not so easy, is it?
All right, all right.
36
00:01:53,182 --> 00:01:54,907
What's wrong with Otto?
It's a very distinctive name.
37
00:01:55,045 --> 00:01:56,840
You see very few
kids named Otto.
38
00:01:57,634 --> 00:01:59,740
With good reason.
39
00:01:59,878 --> 00:02:01,845
Distinctive is important
for the parents,
40
00:02:01,983 --> 00:02:03,606
but for the kid,
all it means is,
41
00:02:03,744 --> 00:02:06,333
he's gonna end up
hanging by his underwear
from a school locker.
42
00:02:06,471 --> 00:02:07,506
He is not.
43
00:02:07,644 --> 00:02:09,336
You gotta think
about the playground.
44
00:02:09,474 --> 00:02:10,578
Think about
the playground.
45
00:02:10,716 --> 00:02:12,580
What you want is
a name that says,
46
00:02:12,718 --> 00:02:13,995
"Don't notice me.
47
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,412
"And if you do,
please, God,
don't beat me up."
48
00:02:17,792 --> 00:02:19,104
Where did you grow up?
49
00:02:19,242 --> 00:02:20,864
On the streets, baby.
50
00:02:23,073 --> 00:02:24,558
Ooh.
51
00:02:24,696 --> 00:02:26,456
Do you want to know
the sex of the baby?
52
00:02:27,733 --> 00:02:29,425
You know where
I stand on that.
53
00:02:29,563 --> 00:02:31,668
I think only good
comes from knowing.
54
00:02:31,806 --> 00:02:33,291
What about the surprise?
55
00:02:33,429 --> 00:02:35,396
This is the biggest
surprise you can ever
have in your life.
56
00:02:35,534 --> 00:02:36,535
What is the surprise,
really?
57
00:02:36,673 --> 00:02:38,537
It's one of two things.
58
00:02:38,675 --> 00:02:40,125
It's a boy or a girl.
59
00:02:40,263 --> 00:02:42,748
If it's a third thing,
like, say, an owl...
60
00:02:42,886 --> 00:02:45,579
Then I say
let's find out now.
61
00:02:45,717 --> 00:02:47,684
Listen, I hate to do this
to you, but I'm the mother.
62
00:02:48,823 --> 00:02:50,411
What does that mean?
63
00:02:50,549 --> 00:02:52,965
It means I'm carrying
this child, and I say
we're not finding out.
64
00:02:53,103 --> 00:02:54,588
What? Are you
pulling rank on me?
65
00:02:54,726 --> 00:02:56,452
Well, possession's
nine-tenths of the law.
66
00:02:56,590 --> 00:02:57,729
Let's face it,
you got nothin'.
67
00:02:59,869 --> 00:03:02,458
JOAN:
Looking good. Ahh.
68
00:03:02,596 --> 00:03:04,736
This is ridiculous.
We have a deal.
69
00:03:04,874 --> 00:03:06,324
What deal?
I had no leverage.
70
00:03:06,462 --> 00:03:08,360
You were holding
the baby hostage.
71
00:03:10,638 --> 00:03:11,708
Oh, I can't take it anymore.
I'm gonna Look.
72
00:03:11,846 --> 00:03:12,778
No, keep those hands up.
73
00:03:12,916 --> 00:03:15,436
Oh, Look, how sweet.
74
00:03:15,574 --> 00:03:18,336
Sweet in a boyish way
or sweet in a girlish way?
75
00:03:18,474 --> 00:03:20,303
It's so cute.
76
00:03:20,441 --> 00:03:22,616
Yeah, like, cute-handsome
or cute-pretty?
77
00:03:22,754 --> 00:03:25,032
Position's fine.
The baby looks great.
78
00:03:25,170 --> 00:03:26,930
Oh, how adorable!
79
00:03:27,068 --> 00:03:30,417
Well, I guess we'll just
have to take her word
for that, won't we?
80
00:03:30,555 --> 00:03:31,970
Well, if you wanna look,
you can look.
81
00:03:32,108 --> 00:03:33,282
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, we agreed.
82
00:03:33,420 --> 00:03:35,042
We're not gonna look,
we're not gonna...
83
00:03:35,180 --> 00:03:36,181
Oh!
84
00:03:37,355 --> 00:03:38,321
A penis?
85
00:03:39,115 --> 00:03:40,289
A penis.
86
00:03:40,427 --> 00:03:41,842
Positively?
A penis?
87
00:03:41,980 --> 00:03:44,431
Absolutely a penis.
88
00:03:44,569 --> 00:03:45,949
Well, let me
ask you something.
PAUL: Yes, sir.
89
00:03:46,087 --> 00:03:47,434
Was it big?
90
00:03:48,676 --> 00:03:50,091
Can I tell you something?
91
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,990
When it's your kid
and you're the father,
you're a parent,
92
00:03:52,128 --> 00:03:53,405
you're don't care
about stuff like that.
93
00:03:53,543 --> 00:03:56,063
All you're concerned about is,
is the kid healthy...
94
00:03:56,201 --> 00:03:57,340
It's huge.
95
00:03:57,478 --> 00:03:58,755
Huge.
96
00:03:58,893 --> 00:04:01,241
Paulie,
there you go.
He's a Buchman.
97
00:04:01,379 --> 00:04:03,104
Oh, believe me,
that's a Buchman.
98
00:04:04,313 --> 00:04:06,798
Who are we kidding?
What am I saying?
99
00:04:06,936 --> 00:04:08,351
So, listen, you're
gonna be a father.
100
00:04:08,489 --> 00:04:10,215
You're gonna have
a son, a boy, huh?
101
00:04:10,353 --> 00:04:13,391
[IMITATING THE GODFATHER]
My first child...will
be a masculine child.
102
00:04:13,529 --> 00:04:15,116
Hey, hey, hey.
103
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,360
What about James?
How you gonna keep
her from finding out?
104
00:04:17,498 --> 00:04:19,604
I'll tell her.
When the moment's right.
105
00:04:19,742 --> 00:04:20,881
When's that gonna be?
106
00:04:21,019 --> 00:04:22,848
Right after the kid's born.
107
00:04:22,986 --> 00:04:26,162
You're gonna keep the sex
of your own child
from your wife?
108
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:27,474
Why would I ruin this
for her?
109
00:04:27,612 --> 00:04:29,717
I mean, the surprise is very
important to her.
110
00:04:29,855 --> 00:04:31,443
She's been waiting
for this all her life.
111
00:04:31,581 --> 00:04:32,513
Plus she'll kill you.
112
00:04:32,651 --> 00:04:34,204
Yeah, I don't need that.
113
00:04:34,343 --> 00:04:35,896
Oh, that's
terrible.
114
00:04:36,034 --> 00:04:37,794
Paul, did you know
your Uncle Phil is
in the hospital?
115
00:04:37,932 --> 00:04:40,003
No. Uncle Phil?
What happened?
116
00:04:40,141 --> 00:04:41,695
He's very sick.
117
00:04:41,833 --> 00:04:43,213
I would imagine.
He's in the hospital.
118
00:04:43,352 --> 00:04:45,630
Probably very sick,
but what's the matter?
119
00:04:45,768 --> 00:04:47,045
He's very sick.
120
00:04:49,910 --> 00:04:51,256
A little more
information, please.
121
00:04:51,394 --> 00:04:53,016
Well, the doctors
said it could be...
122
00:04:54,535 --> 00:04:56,365
That's what
the doctors said?
The doctors said that?
123
00:04:56,503 --> 00:04:57,814
The doctors said
he had a thing...
124
00:04:57,952 --> 00:04:59,747
What? He's very sick.
125
00:05:01,197 --> 00:05:02,267
I'm just trying
to get a little...
126
00:05:02,405 --> 00:05:03,510
BOTH: He's very sick.
All right.
127
00:05:07,962 --> 00:05:08,963
PAUL:
What was the number?
128
00:05:09,101 --> 00:05:10,240
627.
129
00:05:10,379 --> 00:05:11,828
Right here.
130
00:05:13,589 --> 00:05:14,624
Huh.
131
00:05:15,694 --> 00:05:16,730
Oh, God.
132
00:05:16,868 --> 00:05:18,145
No, no, no. I'm sure they
just moved him.
133
00:05:18,283 --> 00:05:19,526
Come on, we'll find out.
134
00:05:19,664 --> 00:05:20,906
[MUFFLED SPEECH FROM BED]
135
00:05:26,878 --> 00:05:29,812
[MUFFLED SPEECH CONTINUES]
136
00:05:29,950 --> 00:05:30,951
Uncle Phil?
137
00:05:31,089 --> 00:05:32,608
Open up the bed, please!
138
00:05:35,542 --> 00:05:38,027
You poor thing.
139
00:05:40,305 --> 00:05:41,858
[PANTING]
140
00:05:43,722 --> 00:05:44,930
Oh, my God,
what happened?
141
00:05:45,068 --> 00:05:46,104
I made a mistake.
142
00:05:46,242 --> 00:05:47,243
You made a mistake?
143
00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:48,796
Yeah. I pressed
the wrong button.
144
00:05:48,934 --> 00:05:49,866
Are you sure
you're okay?
145
00:05:50,004 --> 00:05:50,936
Yeah, I think I'm okay.
146
00:05:51,074 --> 00:05:52,006
You didn't get hurt?
No, I'm fine.
147
00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:53,387
What exactly
happened?
148
00:05:53,525 --> 00:05:55,009
Well, would you
do me a favor?
Yeah.
149
00:05:55,147 --> 00:05:57,633
Could you go over there?
I can't take the swiveling.
150
00:05:59,324 --> 00:06:00,843
You hit
the wrong button?
151
00:06:00,981 --> 00:06:02,223
I hit the wrong button.
152
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,260
I'm pressing buttons
all my life...
153
00:06:04,398 --> 00:06:06,745
Intercoms, doorbells,
154
00:06:06,883 --> 00:06:09,990
it's the first time
I ever got folded in half.
155
00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:12,544
Wow.
But I learned something.
156
00:06:12,682 --> 00:06:14,132
What's that?
Did you know
that your kneecaps
157
00:06:14,270 --> 00:06:15,720
fit right into
your eye sockets?
158
00:06:17,066 --> 00:06:18,205
It's amazing.
159
00:06:18,343 --> 00:06:21,622
Ooh!
It's my favorite
niece and nephew.
160
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:23,486
Jamie, Paul,
firm embrace!
161
00:06:23,624 --> 00:06:26,109
Firm embrace!
Firm embrace!
162
00:06:26,662 --> 00:06:27,732
Good. Good.
163
00:06:27,870 --> 00:06:29,250
Of course,
you know I'm dying.
164
00:06:31,114 --> 00:06:32,081
You're not dying.
165
00:06:32,219 --> 00:06:33,738
Oh, come on. I know.
I'm dying.
166
00:06:33,876 --> 00:06:35,015
There's no two ways
about it.
167
00:06:35,153 --> 00:06:36,292
Well, come on.
168
00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:37,397
What did the doctors say?
169
00:06:37,535 --> 00:06:39,053
The doctors,
what do they know?
170
00:06:39,191 --> 00:06:40,365
I'm telling you...
171
00:06:40,503 --> 00:06:41,711
It's bleak.
172
00:06:41,849 --> 00:06:43,748
What do you mean?
Why do you say
it's bleak?
173
00:06:43,886 --> 00:06:45,232
Last night...
174
00:06:45,370 --> 00:06:46,958
Late at night...
175
00:06:47,786 --> 00:06:49,132
I saw God.
176
00:06:50,651 --> 00:06:51,687
Yes.
177
00:06:51,825 --> 00:06:53,551
He was hovering over me
178
00:06:53,689 --> 00:06:54,897
maybe a little
to the left.
179
00:06:56,864 --> 00:06:57,969
And...
180
00:06:58,107 --> 00:06:59,108
He spoke to me.
181
00:06:59,246 --> 00:07:01,144
What did he say?
He said...
182
00:07:01,282 --> 00:07:02,594
"Hello."
183
00:07:04,113 --> 00:07:05,632
That's how God talks?
He just said, "Hello"?
184
00:07:05,770 --> 00:07:07,599
Yes, that's how he talks.
No airs.
185
00:07:07,737 --> 00:07:08,945
He's a regular guy.
186
00:07:09,083 --> 00:07:10,602
And he can do anything.
187
00:07:10,740 --> 00:07:13,571
He could take
this whole building,
turn it upside-down.
188
00:07:13,709 --> 00:07:16,539
He could take Cincinnati,
shove it in Chicago.
189
00:07:18,334 --> 00:07:20,992
You want
a chocolate malted?
Boom! You got it.
190
00:07:21,130 --> 00:07:23,270
Eggs over light?
A minute!
191
00:07:23,408 --> 00:07:25,721
Toast always golden brown.
Always.
192
00:07:27,654 --> 00:07:28,758
He's perfect!
193
00:07:28,896 --> 00:07:30,864
But he doesn't
rub your nose in it.
194
00:07:32,693 --> 00:07:34,626
So you actually
talked back to God?
195
00:07:34,764 --> 00:07:37,491
I did it, but
I was respectful.
196
00:07:37,629 --> 00:07:38,837
You know, I'm talking to God.
197
00:07:38,975 --> 00:07:40,805
So I said, "O, Lord..."
198
00:07:40,943 --> 00:07:42,116
He likes "Lord."
Sure.
199
00:07:43,566 --> 00:07:45,948
"O, Lord,
what would you of me?
200
00:07:46,086 --> 00:07:49,538
"Who thou knoweth
and forgiveth of me
to cometh unto you
201
00:07:49,676 --> 00:07:50,849
"from me who thou
knoweth and for..."
202
00:07:50,987 --> 00:07:52,264
Uncle Phil.
Yes?
203
00:07:52,402 --> 00:07:53,542
Uncle Phil, you have
some food here.
204
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:55,129
You haven't even touched it.
205
00:07:55,267 --> 00:07:56,717
Food? You say food?
206
00:07:56,855 --> 00:07:58,167
I say, "Ha!"
207
00:07:58,305 --> 00:07:59,686
What? Maybe
a little Jell-O.
208
00:07:59,824 --> 00:08:01,204
Jell-O!
That's the worst
thing they do.
209
00:08:01,342 --> 00:08:03,068
You know what they do?
No.
210
00:08:03,206 --> 00:08:04,829
They put pineapple
in the Jell-O.
211
00:08:05,450 --> 00:08:06,451
Is that bad?
212
00:08:06,589 --> 00:08:08,453
There's an unwritten law,
213
00:08:08,591 --> 00:08:11,939
never, never
put pineapple in Jell-O.
214
00:08:12,077 --> 00:08:14,079
Why do you put pineapple
in the man's Jell-O?
215
00:08:14,217 --> 00:08:15,391
Banana, yes.
216
00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:16,841
Apple? Fine.
217
00:08:16,979 --> 00:08:18,290
Mango? Borderline.
218
00:08:19,671 --> 00:08:21,639
It can go.
It can go in.
219
00:08:21,777 --> 00:08:24,089
But pineapple...
220
00:08:24,849 --> 00:08:26,506
Erodes the Jell-O.
221
00:08:27,990 --> 00:08:31,959
It loses its gelatinous
consistency.
222
00:08:32,097 --> 00:08:33,202
What is Jell-O?
223
00:08:33,340 --> 00:08:35,411
Jell-O is nothing
if it isn't a shimmy.
224
00:08:37,344 --> 00:08:39,208
The pineapple
destroys the shimmy.
225
00:08:39,346 --> 00:08:40,899
There's no shimmy left
in this Jell-O.
226
00:08:41,037 --> 00:08:42,314
I think we get
the drift on that.
227
00:08:42,452 --> 00:08:44,351
You can put pineapple
in cottage cheese.
228
00:08:44,489 --> 00:08:45,801
Fine.
229
00:08:45,939 --> 00:08:47,768
The cottage cheese
can take it. It's strong.
230
00:08:49,045 --> 00:08:50,426
The Jell-O folds up.
231
00:08:51,807 --> 00:08:52,877
So there's no way.
232
00:08:53,015 --> 00:08:54,016
Get my drift?
233
00:08:54,154 --> 00:08:55,811
I do. We do.
Okay.
234
00:08:55,949 --> 00:08:57,157
All right,
then drift over here.
235
00:08:57,295 --> 00:09:00,229
There's a bedpan
in the last...
236
00:09:00,367 --> 00:09:01,610
You know what?
I'll just wait outside.
237
00:09:01,748 --> 00:09:04,613
No, it's not that.
It's not that kind of thing.
238
00:09:04,751 --> 00:09:07,063
Here. Here. Let me show you
what I have in mind.
239
00:09:08,858 --> 00:09:10,204
All right.
240
00:09:10,342 --> 00:09:12,206
Here. Saved it a trip.
241
00:09:17,177 --> 00:09:18,316
Mr. Buchman,
it's time.
242
00:09:18,454 --> 00:09:19,731
Oh, no, don't take me.
243
00:09:19,869 --> 00:09:20,870
JAMIE:
It's gonna be okay.
Don't let them take me.
244
00:09:21,008 --> 00:09:22,907
Paulie, don't let
them take me.
245
00:09:23,045 --> 00:09:24,564
Save your
uncle now.
246
00:09:24,702 --> 00:09:26,220
Please don't
take me.
247
00:09:26,358 --> 00:09:27,567
Ooh!
248
00:09:27,705 --> 00:09:29,189
What's
the matter?
What is it? What is it?
249
00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:31,916
Ooh, I'm in a tunnel.
250
00:09:32,054 --> 00:09:33,814
I'm in a tunnel!
251
00:09:33,952 --> 00:09:36,748
I see a light.
I see a light
at the other end.
252
00:09:37,335 --> 00:09:38,474
Is it heaven?
253
00:09:41,063 --> 00:09:42,271
No.
254
00:09:42,409 --> 00:09:43,410
It's New Jersey.
255
00:09:43,548 --> 00:09:45,481
It's New Jersey.
Yes.
256
00:09:45,619 --> 00:09:46,896
I must be in
the Holland Tunnel.
257
00:09:47,034 --> 00:09:48,657
LEON: Mr. Buchman,
it's time.
258
00:09:48,795 --> 00:09:50,831
Listen, you don't
worry about anything.
You're gonna be fine.
259
00:09:50,969 --> 00:09:52,695
You have to do me
a big favor.
260
00:09:52,833 --> 00:09:53,800
Anything you want.
Sure.
Anything.
261
00:09:53,938 --> 00:09:55,111
This is a deathbed request.
262
00:09:55,249 --> 00:09:57,217
Now, if you say yes,
it's a binding promise.
263
00:09:57,355 --> 00:09:58,632
Yes. Anything.
What do you want?
264
00:09:58,770 --> 00:10:01,842
If you have a boy, I want
you to name him after me.
265
00:10:03,154 --> 00:10:04,396
Oh, whoo...
Uncle Phil, it's...
266
00:10:04,534 --> 00:10:06,813
Whoa! The pain! Whoa!
267
00:10:06,951 --> 00:10:08,538
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
268
00:10:08,677 --> 00:10:10,644
PAUL: What's the matter?
Oh, the pain!
269
00:10:10,782 --> 00:10:11,852
Oh, it's
on the march.
270
00:10:11,990 --> 00:10:13,923
PAUL: Okay, calm down.
It's on the go.
271
00:10:14,061 --> 00:10:15,994
It's heading
for my heart.
I can feel it.
272
00:10:16,132 --> 00:10:17,686
Here's the thing
about the name.
273
00:10:17,824 --> 00:10:19,066
[THROATY BELLOW]
It's hard
for us to...
274
00:10:19,204 --> 00:10:20,654
Oh, God, okay!
All right. Okay.
275
00:10:20,792 --> 00:10:21,966
Phil it is.
276
00:10:22,104 --> 00:10:23,208
We'll name the boy Phil.
277
00:10:23,346 --> 00:10:24,831
Wait, wait.
One more thing.
278
00:10:25,763 --> 00:10:27,834
My real name
is not Phil.
279
00:10:29,283 --> 00:10:30,768
My real name
is Deuteronomy!
280
00:10:35,427 --> 00:10:36,705
I never heard that.
281
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:46,749
Deuteronomy.
282
00:10:46,887 --> 00:10:48,199
I know.
283
00:10:48,337 --> 00:10:49,856
The man's name
is Deuteronomy.
284
00:10:49,994 --> 00:10:51,236
That's what he said.
285
00:10:51,374 --> 00:10:53,100
We just promised
to name our child
Deuteronomy.
286
00:10:53,238 --> 00:10:54,826
All right, all right.
287
00:10:54,964 --> 00:10:57,070
I don't understand
how you can be
so calm about this.
288
00:10:57,208 --> 00:10:59,003
Because worrying's
not gonna help anything,
289
00:10:59,141 --> 00:11:00,314
and, besides,
we gave our word.
290
00:11:00,452 --> 00:11:02,696
We gave our word
to a guy named Phil.
291
00:11:02,834 --> 00:11:04,318
It's a matter of honor.
292
00:11:04,456 --> 00:11:07,011
If we just break our word,
then what kind of people
are we?
293
00:11:07,149 --> 00:11:09,772
We're the kind of people
who are free to name
their kid "Tom."
294
00:11:11,809 --> 00:11:14,087
I have a little surprise
for you.
295
00:11:14,225 --> 00:11:15,882
I think I know something
you don't know.
296
00:11:16,020 --> 00:11:17,538
Oh, what's that?
297
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:18,954
We're having a girl.
298
00:11:26,306 --> 00:11:27,721
What are you
talking about?
299
00:11:27,859 --> 00:11:30,241
I have
a very strong feeling
that this baby's a girl,
300
00:11:30,379 --> 00:11:32,346
and if that's true,
we got no problem.
301
00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:33,658
So you're talking
about a feeling.
302
00:11:33,796 --> 00:11:37,213
More than a feeling,
it's a maternal instinct.
303
00:11:37,351 --> 00:11:40,285
Okay, well, honey,
I respect that.
I really do,
304
00:11:40,423 --> 00:11:41,701
but, you know, instincts.
305
00:11:41,839 --> 00:11:44,048
I mean, thousands of years
of civilization
306
00:11:44,186 --> 00:11:46,153
have sort of dulled
our instincts.
307
00:11:46,291 --> 00:11:48,086
I mean, you can't
count on those.
308
00:11:48,224 --> 00:11:50,606
Look at me, my whole
hunting-gathering thing,
that's shot.
309
00:11:53,091 --> 00:11:54,127
What are you
talking about?
310
00:11:54,265 --> 00:11:55,922
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
311
00:11:56,060 --> 00:11:58,856
You have no conception
of motherhood.
312
00:11:58,994 --> 00:12:00,892
I'm physically
connected to this child.
313
00:12:01,030 --> 00:12:02,549
This isn't some
New Age concept.
314
00:12:02,687 --> 00:12:04,413
This is real.
315
00:12:04,551 --> 00:12:07,278
All right, listen,
I'm physically connected
to my pancreas,
316
00:12:07,416 --> 00:12:09,038
and it hasn't said
a word to me in 14 years.
317
00:12:11,903 --> 00:12:14,181
Why are you giving me
such a hard time
about this?
318
00:12:14,319 --> 00:12:15,907
Tell me it isn't true.
319
00:12:16,045 --> 00:12:17,806
I take it you talked
to Uncle Phil.
320
00:12:17,944 --> 00:12:21,637
Tell me you didn't agree
to name your child
Appendectomy.
321
00:12:22,949 --> 00:12:24,985
Deuteronomy.
Ugh.
322
00:12:25,123 --> 00:12:26,849
Have you both
lost your mind?
323
00:12:26,987 --> 00:12:29,852
Do you have any idea
how much this kid
is gonna be teased?
324
00:12:29,990 --> 00:12:31,129
Dooty.
PAUL: I know.
325
00:12:32,544 --> 00:12:34,063
Doo-doo.
We understand.
326
00:12:34,201 --> 00:12:35,168
Dooty on-a me.
327
00:12:35,306 --> 00:12:36,617
Yeah, all right.
328
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,861
Keep this coming
'cause this is really
helping now.
329
00:12:38,999 --> 00:12:40,207
Paulie, come on,
think about it.
330
00:12:40,345 --> 00:12:42,347
If I went to school
with a kid named
Deuteronomy,
331
00:12:42,485 --> 00:12:44,936
my day would not be
complete until
I made the kid cry.
332
00:12:46,869 --> 00:12:48,353
Who do you think
he's going to come to, you?
333
00:12:48,491 --> 00:12:49,769
No. You're the perps.
334
00:12:49,907 --> 00:12:50,839
He's going to come to me,
335
00:12:50,977 --> 00:12:52,116
his favorite uncle, all right?
336
00:12:52,254 --> 00:12:54,083
You got to give this kid
a normal name.
337
00:12:54,221 --> 00:12:56,120
Kids can make fun
of any name.
338
00:12:56,258 --> 00:12:57,155
Yeah, what about Bob?
339
00:12:57,293 --> 00:12:58,501
Blob.
340
00:12:58,639 --> 00:13:00,193
All right, Joe.
Schmo.
341
00:13:00,331 --> 00:13:01,401
Shelly.
342
00:13:01,539 --> 00:13:02,609
Smelly.
343
00:13:02,747 --> 00:13:03,817
Ira.
344
00:13:03,955 --> 00:13:04,991
Ira.
345
00:13:08,063 --> 00:13:10,755
Now, you see,
with a nice name
like Burt,
346
00:13:10,893 --> 00:13:12,515
you wouldn't get
any teasing.
347
00:13:12,653 --> 00:13:15,864
Well, actually,
a few nasty kids
used to call me fat ass.
348
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,354
Plus, if Deuteronomy was
such a wonderful name,
349
00:13:23,492 --> 00:13:24,838
why does he
call himself Phil?
350
00:13:24,976 --> 00:13:26,529
He never even
liked it himself.
351
00:13:26,667 --> 00:13:28,462
Sylvia, it's not as bad
as it sounds.
352
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,465
I was just telling Paul
I have a very strong
maternal instinct
353
00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:33,226
that the baby is a girl.
354
00:13:33,364 --> 00:13:34,572
Really?
I do.
355
00:13:34,710 --> 00:13:36,022
Oh, what a relief.
356
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:37,299
I know that feeling.
357
00:13:37,437 --> 00:13:38,887
You see?
See.
358
00:13:39,025 --> 00:13:40,750
I knew that Paulie
was going to be a boy
359
00:13:40,889 --> 00:13:42,683
and that Debbie and Sharon
were gonna be girls.
360
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:44,064
You just get
that feeling.
361
00:13:44,202 --> 00:13:45,997
Oh, yeah, that feeling.
362
00:13:46,135 --> 00:13:48,482
Burt, we've got
nothing to worry about.
363
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:50,105
Well, that's a relief.
364
00:13:50,243 --> 00:13:51,382
[CHUCKLES]
365
00:13:53,039 --> 00:13:55,110
I think Paulie
has something here
he wants to say.
366
00:13:57,906 --> 00:13:59,390
No, I don't.
367
00:13:59,528 --> 00:14:01,185
No, you do. You want
to say the thing
368
00:14:01,323 --> 00:14:02,842
about, you know,
the thing.
369
00:14:02,980 --> 00:14:03,912
No, I don't.
370
00:14:04,050 --> 00:14:04,982
What thing
about what thing?
371
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:06,328
Nothing.
Something.
372
00:14:07,018 --> 00:14:08,675
So say it already.
373
00:14:13,369 --> 00:14:14,957
I was saying
to him earlier,
374
00:14:15,095 --> 00:14:19,099
I have my own
paternal instincts,
you know, I just...
375
00:14:19,237 --> 00:14:21,377
I got a feeling the kid's
gonna be a boy.
376
00:14:21,515 --> 00:14:24,587
Honey, that's very sweet,
but this is kind of
a woman thing.
377
00:14:24,725 --> 00:14:26,796
No, I understand.
378
00:14:26,935 --> 00:14:28,868
It's just I really, really
got a very strong feeling.
379
00:14:30,110 --> 00:14:32,112
I feel it, feel it,
in my bones.
380
00:14:32,250 --> 00:14:34,287
I can tell you with
almost absolute certainty
381
00:14:34,425 --> 00:14:36,910
this kid is gonna
be a boy.
382
00:14:37,048 --> 00:14:38,912
Honey, we have nothing
to worry about.
383
00:14:39,050 --> 00:14:41,190
Trust me.
384
00:14:41,328 --> 00:14:42,916
I peeked at the ultrasound,
saw a little penis.
385
00:14:50,165 --> 00:14:51,856
Wait one second.
386
00:14:51,994 --> 00:14:53,237
Don't chicken out
on me.
387
00:14:53,375 --> 00:14:56,619
I'm not. It's just, the man,
he's on his deathbed,
388
00:14:56,757 --> 00:14:57,862
we made him
a promise.
389
00:14:58,000 --> 00:14:59,726
I'm not keeping
that promise.
390
00:14:59,864 --> 00:15:01,003
It's just not
gonna be easy.
391
00:15:01,141 --> 00:15:03,764
I mean, he's in there,
he's hanging by a thread.
392
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:05,490
Prepare yourself
for the worst.
393
00:15:06,733 --> 00:15:08,459
♪ Everybody's doin' it
394
00:15:08,597 --> 00:15:09,909
♪ Doin' it, doin' it
395
00:15:10,047 --> 00:15:11,669
♪ Everybody's doin' it
396
00:15:11,807 --> 00:15:13,326
♪ Doin' it, doin' it
397
00:15:13,464 --> 00:15:16,398
♪ See that ragtime couple
over there
398
00:15:16,536 --> 00:15:19,573
♪ Watch them throw their shoulders in the air
399
00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:21,092
♪ Snap your fingers
400
00:15:21,230 --> 00:15:22,680
♪ Honey, I declare
401
00:15:22,818 --> 00:15:23,923
♪ It's there
It's there
402
00:15:24,061 --> 00:15:24,993
♪ It's there
It's there
403
00:15:25,131 --> 00:15:26,063
♪ Boys!
404
00:15:26,201 --> 00:15:27,512
♪ Everybody's doin' it
405
00:15:27,650 --> 00:15:28,962
♪ Doin' it, doin' it
406
00:15:29,100 --> 00:15:30,688
♪ Everybody's doin' it
407
00:15:30,826 --> 00:15:32,241
♪ Doin' what?
♪ The turkey trot
408
00:15:32,379 --> 00:15:35,382
♪ Can't stop, boop-bop
boom-ba-da-bam
409
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:38,420
♪ Hear those trombones
bursting apart
410
00:15:38,558 --> 00:15:41,388
♪ Come, come, come,
come, let us start
411
00:15:41,526 --> 00:15:42,907
♪ Everybody's doin' it
412
00:15:43,045 --> 00:15:44,391
♪ Everybody's doin' it
413
00:15:44,529 --> 00:15:46,773
♪ Everybody's
doin' it now ♪
414
00:15:49,776 --> 00:15:51,260
Okay.
415
00:15:51,398 --> 00:15:53,504
All right, boys, take five.
416
00:15:53,642 --> 00:15:55,678
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
417
00:15:55,816 --> 00:15:57,335
Leon.
418
00:15:57,473 --> 00:15:59,993
Down. Down, uh, down.
419
00:16:00,131 --> 00:16:02,064
You're going down.
You got to... Up!
420
00:16:02,202 --> 00:16:03,410
♪ Everyone's doin' it ♪
421
00:16:03,548 --> 00:16:04,756
One more doin' it.
422
00:16:04,894 --> 00:16:05,930
Doin' it!
423
00:16:09,554 --> 00:16:11,832
Uncle Phil,
what is all this?
424
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,731
The turkey trot.
425
00:16:13,869 --> 00:16:15,215
What about
the surgery?
426
00:16:15,353 --> 00:16:17,666
Surgery? No surgery.
What surgery?
427
00:16:17,804 --> 00:16:21,428
They prodded, they poked,
they manipulated digitally.
428
00:16:21,566 --> 00:16:22,533
Woof!
429
00:16:22,671 --> 00:16:23,983
What'd they find?
430
00:16:24,121 --> 00:16:25,674
Zip. Zero.
431
00:16:25,812 --> 00:16:27,020
Nothing!
432
00:16:28,263 --> 00:16:30,161
Nothing!
What about the pain?
433
00:16:30,299 --> 00:16:31,300
Gas.
434
00:16:32,267 --> 00:16:35,580
A humongous
rogue bubble...
435
00:16:37,134 --> 00:16:39,205
Of trapped gas,
436
00:16:39,343 --> 00:16:42,346
and it left as silently
as it came.
437
00:16:43,830 --> 00:16:45,314
In the night.
438
00:16:46,350 --> 00:16:47,489
Here's your bag,
Mr. Buchman.
439
00:16:47,627 --> 00:16:49,077
Oh, Skippy.
440
00:16:49,215 --> 00:16:50,699
Here, thanks for everything.
441
00:16:50,837 --> 00:16:52,321
Buy yourself a Swatch.
442
00:16:55,083 --> 00:16:58,327
Wow. [CLEARS THROAT] Phil,
we're so happy to hear
that you're feeling better,
443
00:16:58,465 --> 00:17:00,812
you know? Because we actually
wanted to talk to you
about something.
444
00:17:00,950 --> 00:17:02,573
This isn't mine.
Oh, what the hell?
445
00:17:02,711 --> 00:17:04,402
Yeah. We, um...
446
00:17:08,130 --> 00:17:09,890
We wanted to talk to you
about something.
447
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,823
You know,
about the name.
448
00:17:11,961 --> 00:17:13,273
The name, the name.
449
00:17:13,411 --> 00:17:14,447
Yeah,
Deuteronomy.
450
00:17:14,585 --> 00:17:16,380
The name.
Yes, Deuteronomy.
451
00:17:16,518 --> 00:17:18,485
We're a little concerned.
It's, um...
452
00:17:18,623 --> 00:17:19,831
It's a little, uh...
453
00:17:19,969 --> 00:17:21,316
Here's the thing.
454
00:17:21,454 --> 00:17:23,456
It's not very common.
Yeah.
455
00:17:23,594 --> 00:17:24,560
Common.
456
00:17:24,698 --> 00:17:25,906
If you want common,
457
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,668
you name a kid Joe,
you name a kid John.
458
00:17:28,806 --> 00:17:31,740
The kid goes
to a picnic,
459
00:17:31,878 --> 00:17:34,467
"John, your sandwich
is ready."
460
00:17:34,605 --> 00:17:36,607
Forty kids
run up to get
that sandwich.
461
00:17:36,745 --> 00:17:38,540
You name the kid...
Excuse me.
462
00:17:40,645 --> 00:17:42,682
You name the kid
Deuteronomy,
463
00:17:42,820 --> 00:17:45,029
"Deuteronomy,
your sandwich
is ready."
464
00:17:45,167 --> 00:17:48,101
Your kid's getting
that sandwich.
465
00:17:48,239 --> 00:17:50,103
You make a very
strong point.
PHIL: Of course.
466
00:17:50,241 --> 00:17:52,416
It's just that
we're concerned...
467
00:17:52,554 --> 00:17:53,727
This isn't mine either.
468
00:17:55,453 --> 00:17:57,352
What the hell?
469
00:17:57,490 --> 00:17:58,698
This is mine.
470
00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:02,357
We're just afraid
that the kid
will get teased.
471
00:18:02,495 --> 00:18:03,841
I mean, didn't you used
to get teased a lot?
472
00:18:03,979 --> 00:18:05,946
Yeah, we all get teased.
473
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:07,293
You get teased
a little bit. So what?
474
00:18:07,431 --> 00:18:08,846
It's no big deal.
475
00:18:08,984 --> 00:18:11,228
I used to come
home from school
as I was walking home,
476
00:18:11,366 --> 00:18:12,677
I'd hear,
"Dooty, Dooty."
477
00:18:12,815 --> 00:18:13,989
See?
478
00:18:14,955 --> 00:18:16,888
"There's no dooty on you.
479
00:18:17,026 --> 00:18:19,546
"Is there any dooty on-a me?"
480
00:18:19,684 --> 00:18:22,204
You know?
I got it. I got it.
Yeah.
481
00:18:22,342 --> 00:18:23,723
Then they'd
shove a little,
they'd push.
482
00:18:23,861 --> 00:18:24,965
I'd push,
they'd shove.
483
00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:26,312
We'd shove,
we'd hit.
484
00:18:26,450 --> 00:18:27,761
There'd be
a lot of hitting,
485
00:18:27,899 --> 00:18:28,900
and they'd smash me,
486
00:18:29,038 --> 00:18:30,178
and then they'd
take off my hat,
487
00:18:30,316 --> 00:18:31,662
and they'd all
spit in it,
488
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,595
which wasn't fun.
489
00:18:33,733 --> 00:18:35,114
And finally,
one day I said,
490
00:18:36,322 --> 00:18:37,875
"This is it,
I've had my fill!"
491
00:18:38,945 --> 00:18:40,429
And it hit me.
492
00:18:41,637 --> 00:18:43,605
Phil.
That's a good name.
493
00:18:43,743 --> 00:18:45,779
So I took Phil,
494
00:18:45,917 --> 00:18:48,057
and I discarded
Deuteronomy.
495
00:18:48,196 --> 00:18:49,714
Exactly.
496
00:18:49,852 --> 00:18:52,476
Yeah. So given all that,
497
00:18:52,614 --> 00:18:54,892
I guess you'd agree...
498
00:18:55,030 --> 00:18:56,100
We don't want to name him
Deuteronomy.
499
00:18:56,238 --> 00:18:58,482
You can't name this kid
Deuteronomy.
500
00:18:58,620 --> 00:19:00,518
What are you, nuts?
501
00:19:00,656 --> 00:19:02,969
I was on pain killers.
I was delirious.
502
00:19:03,107 --> 00:19:04,488
What's your excuse?
503
00:19:04,626 --> 00:19:05,799
Well, we wanted...
We just wanted...
504
00:19:05,937 --> 00:19:08,216
Shame on you.
505
00:19:08,354 --> 00:19:10,390
But I love you both
so much
506
00:19:10,528 --> 00:19:12,979
for going along
with that name
for so long.
507
00:19:13,117 --> 00:19:14,739
It's settled, then.
We won't name him
Deuteronomy.
508
00:19:14,877 --> 00:19:17,363
No Deuteronomy.
No Deuteronomy.
Firm embrace!
509
00:19:17,501 --> 00:19:19,158
Firm embrace.
510
00:19:21,229 --> 00:19:23,231
Thank you so much.
You, listen,
511
00:19:23,369 --> 00:19:24,922
good to see you up.
You feel well.
512
00:19:25,060 --> 00:19:26,648
I love you both
very much.
513
00:19:26,786 --> 00:19:27,890
JAMIE: We love you, too.
514
00:19:28,028 --> 00:19:29,892
If it's a boy, name him
anything you want.
515
00:19:30,030 --> 00:19:31,031
Thank you, Uncle Phil.
516
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,826
PHIL: But if it's a girl...
Yeah?
517
00:19:32,964 --> 00:19:34,690
I'd love you to name it
after my mother.
518
00:19:34,828 --> 00:19:36,002
Um...
519
00:19:36,140 --> 00:19:37,210
PHIL: Her name was Rose.
520
00:19:37,348 --> 00:19:39,039
Rose. Rose.
521
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,144
That's actually
kind of sweet.
522
00:19:40,282 --> 00:19:41,594
Rose is
a very pretty name.
523
00:19:41,732 --> 00:19:43,078
We'll definitely
think about it.
524
00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:44,355
We're gonna think about it.
We'll think
about Rose.
525
00:19:44,493 --> 00:19:46,840
Actually, Rose
wasn't her real name.
526
00:19:51,742 --> 00:19:54,054
JOAN: So, when the baby
reaches five or six pounds,
you can...
527
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,504
What?
528
00:19:55,642 --> 00:19:56,747
What are you
smiling at?
529
00:19:56,885 --> 00:19:58,024
The way you say
"the baby."
530
00:19:58,162 --> 00:19:59,267
"The baby."
531
00:19:59,405 --> 00:20:01,993
So as to not give away
any gender information.
532
00:20:02,131 --> 00:20:03,926
Very deft.
Well, I do this a lot.
533
00:20:04,064 --> 00:20:05,790
Well, you can stop
doing it with us.
534
00:20:05,928 --> 00:20:06,998
I can?
535
00:20:07,136 --> 00:20:08,483
We know it's a boy.
536
00:20:08,621 --> 00:20:10,761
You do?
Paul saw a penis.
537
00:20:10,899 --> 00:20:12,141
JOAN: I'm sorry?
538
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:13,557
The other day
when you were
doing the thing.
539
00:20:13,695 --> 00:20:14,799
The ultrasound.
540
00:20:14,937 --> 00:20:16,629
I know we said
we weren't gonna look,
541
00:20:16,767 --> 00:20:19,218
and I didn't mean to, but I
just did a little space
between my fingers,
542
00:20:19,356 --> 00:20:20,736
and I looked,
and there it was.
543
00:20:20,874 --> 00:20:21,944
You saw a penis.
544
00:20:22,082 --> 00:20:23,256
PAUL: Yes, ma'am.
545
00:20:23,394 --> 00:20:24,913
Big expert
penis spotter, are ya?
546
00:20:27,122 --> 00:20:28,675
Well, I do all right.
547
00:20:28,813 --> 00:20:29,883
Show me.
548
00:20:30,021 --> 00:20:31,160
Seriously?
549
00:20:31,299 --> 00:20:32,576
If you please.
550
00:20:32,714 --> 00:20:34,992
Look. There's our baby.
551
00:20:35,130 --> 00:20:37,236
Healthy baby?
Very healthy.
552
00:20:37,374 --> 00:20:38,961
He won't always be
transparent, right?
553
00:20:39,099 --> 00:20:40,756
No.
554
00:20:40,894 --> 00:20:42,275
Right there.
555
00:20:43,449 --> 00:20:45,382
There?
556
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:47,315
I'm sorry.
Right there. Look.
557
00:20:47,453 --> 00:20:48,695
You sure?
558
00:20:49,386 --> 00:20:50,766
Yeah. Look.
559
00:20:50,904 --> 00:20:53,355
Right there. One, two,
three, four, five.
560
00:20:53,942 --> 00:20:55,978
Five penises.
561
00:20:56,116 --> 00:20:57,359
Boy, Look out
for this kid.
562
00:21:00,500 --> 00:21:01,812
It's a foot,
isn't it?
563
00:21:01,950 --> 00:21:03,538
Hand.
564
00:21:03,676 --> 00:21:04,815
You didn't see
a penis.
565
00:21:04,953 --> 00:21:06,057
Hand.
566
00:21:07,473 --> 00:21:09,129
Is it possible his hand
is on his penis?
567
00:21:10,993 --> 00:21:14,445
Hand, hand,
and nothing
but a hand.
568
00:21:14,583 --> 00:21:16,482
You can't see it
in this picture,
but I'm telling you,
569
00:21:16,620 --> 00:21:18,760
the other day
that kid was happy
to see somebody.
570
00:21:21,625 --> 00:21:22,971
So this means
it's a girl.
571
00:21:23,109 --> 00:21:24,248
Nope.
572
00:21:24,386 --> 00:21:25,767
It's a boy.
Nope.
573
00:21:26,768 --> 00:21:27,907
Is it an owl?
574
00:21:29,011 --> 00:21:30,910
Seriously. Tell me.
I won't be mad.
575
00:21:31,048 --> 00:21:33,292
Do you want to know?
Do you really want
to know?
576
00:21:33,430 --> 00:21:35,466
Actually, I don't
want to know.
No, wait a second.
577
00:21:35,604 --> 00:21:37,054
Last time you didn't
want to find out,
and I did,
578
00:21:37,192 --> 00:21:38,297
and you steamrolled me.
579
00:21:38,435 --> 00:21:39,401
I get to vote
this time.
580
00:21:39,539 --> 00:21:41,127
I'm saying...
I'm taking charge.
581
00:21:41,265 --> 00:21:42,956
I'm saying,
no, we're not gonna
find out.
582
00:21:43,094 --> 00:21:44,199
Oh, well,
all right, then.
583
00:21:44,337 --> 00:21:45,580
Okay.
Okay.
584
00:21:45,718 --> 00:21:46,960
Then, let's weigh you and take
your blood pressure.
585
00:21:47,098 --> 00:21:48,203
Okay.
586
00:21:53,553 --> 00:21:54,796
That's a penis.
587
00:22:02,355 --> 00:22:05,703
My favorite name for a girl
has always been, always,
588
00:22:05,841 --> 00:22:06,980
since I'm 14,
589
00:22:07,118 --> 00:22:08,706
has been Trixie.
590
00:22:08,844 --> 00:22:10,363
I love that name.
591
00:22:10,501 --> 00:22:11,916
Dixie's good, too,
but Trixie's better.
592
00:22:12,054 --> 00:22:14,471
JAMIE: Uncle Phil,
it's hard for us
to commit now.
593
00:22:14,609 --> 00:22:16,369
Louise is not
a bad name.
594
00:22:16,507 --> 00:22:17,888
Think about Louise.
595
00:22:18,026 --> 00:22:21,892
♪ Every little breeze
seems to whisper Louise
596
00:22:22,030 --> 00:22:25,067
♪ Birds in the trees seem
to czzk-pfllt Louise ♪
41339
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