All language subtitles for What.Men.Want.2019.720p.BluRay.X264-AMIABLE-SDH

- (FOOTSTEPS POUNDING)
- (PANTING)

(UPBEAT HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(PHONE SPEED DIALLING, LINE RINGING)

Hello? Hello, Glenn.
It's Ali Davis.

Yes, baby! I'm excited, too.

But wait, what?

Yes, I know Sports Illustrated
wants Serena for June,

but before we talk about that client,
we need to talk about Lisa Leslie,

who will be front and
centre at the shoot.

What? Oh, oh, no.
No, this ain't a negotiation.

It's centre position or tall-ass girl
ain't showing up for the shoot!

WOMAN: (ON TV)
Big news in basketball.

College sensation Jamal Barry
declared himself eligible

- for the NBA draft.
- ALI: What? Excuse me,

- I am her agent.
- He has not yet signed with an agent.

ALI: Oh, no, no.
Glenn, don't go there with me.

What'd you say? Oh, no, no.
No, no, no.

Oh, you. No. No, no, no, no.

No, no, no.
Glenn, no, you listen!

Unless Lisa is guaranteed
centre position in writing,

you'd better learn how to Photoshop

because you ain't gonna have
any of my clients

in your magazine ever again!

You know what?
Goodbye.

I'm not dealing with
stupid people today.

- Good morning?
- Good morning.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- Oh, he's calling back!

You know what? Can you deal
with the slow people today?

I can't.

Hey, Glenn,
let me see if I can get her.

- You know what? She just stepped out.
- (TABLET CHIMES)

I'll have her return.
Buh-bye.

How long have you been up?

Ooh, since 3:00 a.m.,
and I've been crushing it all morning,

- talking to Nike and Puma.
- (TABLET CHIMES)

But I've decided I'm going
to take Candace to Adidas,

- because they stepped up.
- (CHIMING CONTINUES)

- You're dinging.
- Oh, no, stop it.

- Please stop. Here, stop it!
- (CHIMES)

Go away!

Mari created this
Lovefinders.com profile for me.

Can you please get rid of it?

All these stupid alerts
keep coming up.

- I will have it taken down ASAP.
- Mm-hmm.

If that's definitely what you want?

That is definitely what I want.

Okay. It's just...
It's been a minute.

Uh, how would you know?

- Well, I keep your calendar.
- Booty calls aren't in there.

Just please do what I ask you to do.

Thank you.
Ooh, I got to go.

Dry cleaning is here,

and I really feel like the black skirt,
houndstooth jacket screams,

"Damn right you're making me partner!
Took you bitches long enough."

You know what, Brandon?
Just because you're gay,

doesn't mean you're fabulous, okurrr?

- (WEAKLY) Okurr.
- It's okurrr.

I... I can't even...

Come on, honey, walk like you
are an assistant to a partner.

- Mm-hmm.
- Let's go. (CLEARS THROAT)

Holy Mother of
Men's Health and Fitness,

what is happening here?

Oh, that's my new neighbour.

Captain Fucktastic, that's what
I've been calling him. Right?

- Yeah.
- (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

(BRANDON STAMMERS)

- Hi.
- Hi. Hi.

("MAMBO NO. 5" PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)

ALI: Such a nice day for a jog.

I like running.
I just don't like running alone.

(MOUTHING) He's gay.

Anyone seen the new Gaga video?

- (MOUTHING) No, he's not.
- (BELL DINGS)

God.

Not even a sideways eye fuck.
Nada.

What's going on in his head?

What, my ass doesn't
look good in this skirt?

Oh, given the current climate,

it feels inappropriate
for me to comment on your body.

- Brandon!
- Tight as a snare drum.

You could bounce a
quarter off that thing.

You know what?
Screw him.

- Today's my day. I'm making partner, baby.
- Mm-hmm!

And no man,
I don't care how fucktastic,

is gonna kill my vibe.

("POISON" PLAYING)

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- BRANDON: It's Mari,

she says she wants you
to bring champagne

to the bachelorette party
'cause Olivia's always sucks.

ALI:
Okay, Bridezilla, take a Xanax.

(SIGHS)

So, seeing as how today's
the big day and all,

I was wondering if,
once you get bumped up to partner,

you might...
see any changes in store for me?

Look, you make a great assistant,

but you'd be a shitty agent.

And I say that with love.

I know, right?
Totally.

Luckily, I'm blissfully happy
just being your assistant...

Good.

...in perpetuity.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

MAN: Ooh, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

Check out the sweet new wheels.

A pre-celebration for the big day, huh?

No, Ethan.
Just... another day at the office.

- Rolling calls, crushing balls.
- VALET: Good morning, Ms. Davis.

Ah, ladies first.
Thank you.

I mean, this should've
happened years ago.

It's crazy that I'm a partner
and you're not

just 'cause I signed Matt Ryan.
I mean, come on!

I mean, in fairness to me,
monster signing, but still...

Yeah, you're right, Ethan.
It is crazy.

That's what I said.

- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Well, I'm rooting for you.

- Fingers crossed, right?
- Thanks, Ethan.

- (RINGING CONTINUES)
- I can't.

BRANDON: Ali Davis's office.
Hi, Mari.

Mari says she knows you're here.

She has a quick
bachelorette party question.

ALI: Tell her I'm all good
for tomorrow night.

Text me any specifics.
But be supportive, you know.

Make it sound like I wish
I had time to shoot the shit.

Hey, girl. Ali can't wait to get it.
It's gonna be a partay.

Hey, hey, pop quiz!
What is being kicked today?

- A world of ass!
- Boom!

- BRANDON: Sorry.
- MAN: Staff meeting in five.

I swear to God, bro,
don't fuck with me!

Fuck you, bro! I'll rip out
your eyes and fuck the sockets!

I'll fuck your mom!

Ad agency exec?

Oh, no, it's my brother.

Yeah, we're doing that whole
fantasy football prep.

Anyway, want a doughnut?

Sure.
Thanks.

Hey.
It's always good to see you guys.

It always brightens my day.

Oh, thanks, Danny.

You said you were gonna
fuck your brother's ma?

- DANNY: Our mom, yeah.
- Uh-huh. Okay.

So, we're laying in bed and she says,

"Do you even know my name?"

- No clue, right? None.
- I have no clue.

So, I pretend to be all appalled by this.

I run off to the bathroom,
I sneak to the kitchen,

I start looking through her mail,

I find a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon.

I'm buck naked, mind you.
She comes in, I go,

"Oh, good morning, uh, Resident."

(LAUGHTER)

And knowing you, Kevin,
you kept the coupon.

You know I did.

Story gets better,
I'll finish it later.

Oh, come on, Ali can handle
locker-room talk. Right, bro?

Yeah, I'm sure you'll get the
X-rated version at poker night.

Why do you keep on this?
There's no poker night.

If there was a poker night,
we would invite you

'cause I'd like to take your money.

- Really?
- (LAUGHS) No poker night.

None, nada, zip!

Ooh, I'ma need you to calm down,
baby man child.

- Mm.
- (LIGHT LAUGHTER)

Looking like Bamm-Bamm.

Boom! Seize the day, right?

That's why we're here.

We seize the day here at Summit!
That's right!

(HOOTING)

That's right! Good to see you!
How you doing?

You keep telling yourself that.

All right.
Gentlemen...

HEADLINE NEWS:

Jamal Barry will be the
number-one pick in the NBA draft,

and he's meeting with agents.

Now, I love Jamal.

Not only because
he's a big-time player,

but he's a franchise maker.

But Jamal does come with some baggage.

Dear old dad.

Guy legally changed
his name to Joe Dolla,

which he's also calling his line
of nutritional supplements.

- (LAUGHTER)
- So, now you know what we're up against.

So, here's what we need.
We need to let him know

that he'll have the
entire team around him.

Because our teamwork
makes their dream work!

- MAN: Whoo!
- That's right! All right!

Now, speaking...
speaking of teamwork,

I think we got ourselves...

- a championship ball.
- (MEN HOOTING, CLAMOURING)

Right?

And I think you know
what this means.

That means somebody in this room
is about to be knighted.

Now, that could be you.
Uh-huh. (LAUGHS)

It could be you.

You had a good year.

But anyway, before I name names...

I got to say something
about this person.

This person...

is tough as nails,

plays with passion and grit.

This person...

has brass balls when
it comes to negotiations.

(LIGHT CHATTER)

Now, it's my honour
to confer title of partner

to the person synonymous
with Summit Worldwide Management.

Let's give it up for the newest
member of the partners club!

Here you go!
Eddie Allen!

(LAUGHS, SQUEALS)

- Ali?
- ALI: (LAUGHS) Whoo!

(MAN STAMMERS)

That's a great interception, Ali,
but that pass was to Eddie.

- Yeah, he said "Eddie."
- Eddie, that's right.

Pass that ball to Eddie. Eddie!
Eddie Allen, our new partner!

- (CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
- Way to go, Eddie! Good job.

- Great year!
- Yeah!

(SOMBRE MUSIC)

- MAN: Eddie Allen, boys!
- Whoo!

- That's our new partner!
- All right!

Hand him the ball. That's right.
Give it up.

You want to hand the ball to Eddie.

That's right. Hand the ball over.
That's right, there you are.

- Eddie Allen! Congratulations to Eddie!
- EDDIE: Yeah! Whoo!

That's teamwork right there!
Teamwork!

Is this a joke, Nick? Huh?

I mean, what the fuck do
I have to do to make partner?

Breathe.
Grab a Fiji.

I mean, you know the deal.

It has to be unanimous partner approval.

Okay. So who was it?
It was Kevin, wasn't it?

I knew it was Kevin.

It's anonymous,
so I honestly couldn't tell you.

This is bullshit. This is boys-club
bullshit, and you know it!

Look, this is a meritocracy.

So, you're not entitled
to be a partner.

I'm sorry, "entitled"?

Oh, well, you name someone who reps
more Olympic gold medallists than me.

I have clients on the cover of
Sports Illustrated and Vogue

in the same month!

But you don't have any of
the big three clients, do you?

The MLB, the NBA, the NFL.

I mean, Eddie signed Mitchell Trubisky.

That's a number-one draft pick.

Boom.
Done.

- Boom!
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Ali. Ali! (SIGHS)

Look. So I'm gonna
be honest with you.

You don't connect well with men.

That means you're doing great
in your lane.

So, let's just stay in your lane.

- Okay?
- Okay. Are you finished?

- Yeah, I'm good.
- Great.

I have to go get back
in my female lane.

Have a great day,
dick... I mean, Nick.

What'd I say?

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(CHATTER)

Listen up, assholes!

I am personally going
to sign Jamal Barry.

- Uhh.
- ALI: This is fair warning.

Buckle up, backstabbing bitches.

Hey, Ali, how you doing?

Fan-fucking-tastic.
Couldn't be better!

MAN: Hey, Skip!
Your daughter's here.

Hey, Dad!

- Hey, you're early.
- Yeah.

Break.

Doesn't look like you're headed
for a celebratory dinner.

No, because they made
a 31-year-old suck-up partner.

But I'm good, Daddy.
You know why?

Because I go high when they go low.

- You want to talk about it?
- Yes, I want to talk!

Let me just get these hand wraps...

These hand wraps are...
Gets me so... (GRUNTS)

I work harder than all of 'em.
I do my job better.

And they're still trying
to hold me down.

They hit you,
you hit back even harder.

You got you.

You hear me?
You got you.

How am I supposed to fight a system
that's rigged against me, Daddy, huh?

Tell me that!

You deliver on your word.
You sign Jamal Barry.

Then you're undeniable.

You're right.
You're right!

Just shake the shit off.

I got me.
I got me.

Come on.

And soon...

I'm gonna sign Jamal Barry.

That's it, that's it, that's it.
Yeah.

Yes! Break.
(LAUGHS)

- Good talk, good talk.
- Thanks, Daddy.

- Oh! Ho-ho-ho!
- I didn't hear the bell.

That's my girl.
That's my girl.

I love you.

(SIGHS) I can't believe I leased
that stupid expensive Porsche.

(GROANS) I just knew I was
gonna get it this time.

Fake it till you make it, girl.

Who is that new bartender?

Oh, that's Will.
He's been here a couple of months.

Uh, you know what, Dad? I think
I'm gonna stay and have another drink.

Uh-huh.

- I got the bill, don't worry.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Thank you for my pep talk.
- Oh, you're welcome.

ALI: Muah.

Don't look at me like that.

(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

Hi.

Hi.

So, what you mixing?

How about a bespoke cocktail
tailored specifically for you?

- For me?
- Let me just get a look at you.

(LAUGHS)

No, don't laugh.
Wait a minute.

All right, now turn this way.

Turn the other way.

Okay.
I got you.

Okay.

Oh, oh, no, no, no,
I'm not a vodka girl.

I really like whisky.
I like dark.

- Oh, do you?
- Mm-hmm.

Would you go to a symphony,
hop up on stage

and tell the conductor
he needs more cello?

- Probably, but go ahead.
- Uh-huh.

Okay.
All right.

I call this "The All You."

All me.

- All you.
- Mm-hmm.

ALI: Mmm.

WILL: Mmm.

This is really good.
Do I taste rose?

You do. It's the cardamom rose syrup.
I make it myself.

And it pairs perfectly with the Cîroc
you tried to get me to stop pouring.

(ALI CHUCKLES)

Um... Would you like to try it?

I mean, if you don't mind
sharing my straw.

Uh...

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

- ("PUSH IT" PLAYING)
- (LAUGHTER)

- (ALI LAUGHS, MOANS)
- Yeah.

Where'd you say your bedroom was?
Huh?

Oh! Over there?

It's, uh... somewhere back there.

Go find it.

Ooh, girl,
what I'm about to do to you!

Yeah, show me, papi!

ALI: Oh, yeah.

- To the left.
- Wait.

- To the left. To the right, to the right!
- (GROANS)

- Wait, hold... (GROANS)
- To the left!

Ah! Can we talk about...

- Oh!
- Ow! Ah, ah!

- (ALI SCREAMS)
- Hold on! Ah... (LAUGHS)

- Uh!
- (MEN LAUGHING)

(GROANS)

Uh... Okay.

- Uh...
- Ooh.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(ALI GROANS)

WILL: (GROANS IN PAIN) Oh!

Oh, that's it! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

WILL: I can't breathe!
I can't breathe!

- (ALI GROANING ANGRILY)
- (MUFFLED CRIES)

Whoa! Ah! Ah!

Ooh! Ooh, ooh.

That was great.

(SIGHS)

Yeah.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(ALI GRUNTS)

(SNORING)

- (BIRDS CHIRPING)
- (DOGS BARKING)

(CHILD LAUGHS)

- Who are you?
- I'm Ben.

I hope it's okay
I borrowed your mask.

Welcome to Wakanda.

(CHUCKLES)

What?

Hey, Ben.

Ben. Ben!
Oh, uh.

Hey.
Hey, buddy.

I thought Brody's dad was
dropping you off at 10:00.

It's 10:05.

- 10:05...
- Oh, okay, uh...

Go... Go play with some Legos.
Daddy's getting up.

- Now go, go play.
- I... I need...

- I need my, uh, my mask.
- The nasty... Oh.

Don't... Close your mouth.
Don't breathe. Don't say nothing. Just...

- Can I... Just...
- That mask...

- The little...
- Thank you!

Come on, baby, go.
Just play Legos.

Go play some Legos.
I'ma be there. Daddy's coming.

- All right.
- You have a kid?

He was at a sleepover.

Obviously, I did not
want him to see this.

Oh, my God.
This is terrible.

- Baby, where are you going?
- I'm never late.

I'm so late!
I'm so late, so late, so late.

You're married? (SIGHS)

Wait. No...

Okay, what time does
she get here, huh? 10:18?

- Jerk!
- It's not what you think...

I knew that wasn't a mask.

(SLURPING)

ETHAN: 45K. I know it's a starter model
for me, but I'm in the game now.

(ALI CLEARS THROAT)

Ali, hey, hey!
Good of you to join us.

- Hey!
- You know Devonta and John, right?

- Devonta, of course!
- Yeah.

- I love your hair like that.
- Your hair...

Thank you!
Hey, John.

I can't see your hair
all the way up there.

Good to see you, though.

- Hey, you got a little some...
- Hey, no, you got something!

Don't you try that, cutie.

- Thank God, you're here.
- Yes.

We have a centre-position situation.

No, we don't have a situation,
we have a contract.

- That's the situation.
- Okay.

UH, NOT ASKING, JUST INFORMING:
you have a condom on your back.

- A what?
- You have a condom on your back.

A what? Oh, my God.
Get it off. Get it off!

Get it off!

Please remember this when
you're considering my raise.

Yeah, take it to your grave
or I will kill you.

(INHALES)

What is this centre-position bullshit?

Which asshole in here doesn't
understand the concept of a contract?

- Hold...
- Kevin! Do not talk over me.

Tell whichever asshole here

who wants to try to bump Lisa
from centre position

- to step to me...
- Okay.

...and not hide behind
you motherfuckers.

Great.

Tell him yourself 'cause
he's right behind you.

Where?

(LAUGHS) Peek-a-boo.

BUSINESS RULE NUMBER ONE:

You should never call somebody
an asshole behind they back.

- You know who said that?
- No, I do not.

- Asparagus Chevrolet.
- Who?

You know, a co-founder
of General Motors, 1884.

Ali Davis...

meet Joe Dolla,
Jamal Barry's father.

(JOE LAUGHS)

And manager.

And bodyguard.

And psychologist and nutritionist

and trainer and sociologist
and urologist.

That means everything.

- Wow, that's a lot. Uh...
- Mm-hmm.

You know the second rule of business?

There's always a win-win situation

where everyone walks away happy.
You like that?

I know that's right.

But it don't always happen
like that in sports. It don't.

Somebody got to win,

and somebody got to taste
the agony of defeat,

like that blind ski jumper.

Yeah.
It's a lethal day.

Decapitated.
Just help us out here, please?

- WOMAN: Ali D!
- Lisa!

Hey, girl, look at you!
Six feet five inches of perfect.

LISA: What's the holdup here?

Yeah, I was gonna come over
and talk to you about that.

We were talking about
the cover image, and... (SIGHS)

of course,
you're guaranteed centre position.

But we were... we were thinking
that maybe you'd split it

with, um, Jamal Barry,

the projected number-one
NBA draft pick?

- Split it?
- Mm-hmm.

Let me ask you guys a question.
Are you good at math?

- Yes, summa cum laude.
- Not my strong suit.

I got through.

So how many championships
does Jamal Barry have?

None. But this is the
"Legends and Rising Stars" issue.

I have two championships,
three MVPs, and four gold medals.

Now add that up and tell me if
I'm gonna share my magazine cover

with whatever dude is here
or the flavour of the month.

Uh...

Okay. You're right.
You are right.

Give the woman the throne, gents!

She's earned it.
And we have a contract.

Boom! I'm so glad my agents
are mad geniuses.

And Ali, you got an old wine stain
on your blouse.

(LAUGHS) Girl, yes, wine next week!
Your house.

- So, you mentioned win-win.
- Yes.

And I ate all those
shrimps over there.

You understand?
So, I win.

My son Jamal is not gonna be
a part of this photo shoot.

You lose.
Now watch this.

Jamal, let's go!

(ETHAN CLEARS THROAT)

Jamal, it was... (SIGHS)

very nice to...

- Well, that could've gone worse.
- How?

Could've noticed the used condom
on your back earlier.

That was a rubber glove.
I was dyeing my hair, you asshole.

Yeah... dyeing your hair with semen.

WOMAN 1:
So, the wine gal at Rite Aid

said this was their bestseller
for bachelorette parties.

WOMAN 2: Well, your taste in champagne
hasn't evolved much since college,

but down the hatch.

WOMAN 3: Kinda Chablis
meets NyQuil and bleach.

- Oh, it's burnt.
- Hello, everyone!

- Hey, girl.
- Sorry I'm late.

- (ALL CHEER)
- WOMAN 3: Ah.

Look at you and your boobies.

- ALI: I picked up some champagne.
- WOMAN 2: Thank God, real champagne!

Good.
Because mine sucked.

WOMAN 3: Happy last days of
being a single woman, cousin.

Lots of dicks here.

WOMAN 2:
Okay, you need to put that down.

- (ALI GROANS)
- Oh.

- ALI: What'd I miss?
- WOMAN 2: Uh-oh.

- WOMAN 3: Oh, I know that face.
- Ali...

- Yeah.
- WOMAN 2: Oh.

You didn't make partner, did you?

Did that little shit Brandon text you?

Uh, no, your half-ass angry smile
kinda gave it all away.

I just can't believe that Nick

tried to sell me some bullshit
about how...

how I don't connect with men.

Can you believe that?

Mm.

ALI: Me!

- WOMAN 1: I mean, it...
- WOMAN 3: Uh...

- What?
- WOMAN 3: Uh, let me see that bottle.

- Nothing!
- WOMAN 3: Nothing, I...

Mm. Mm-mm-mm.

Well... I don't get it.

Right? I grew up
around men all my life.

- Like, fuck him!
- WOMAN 1: Mm, Ali...

I think I'm gonna call a Lyft.

No. No.
No one's calling anything, because...

- we should be smoking up.
- Ciarra!

I haven't smoked that in 25 years.

I'm high on Christ.
I don't need it anymore.

Okay, so... (CHUCKLES)

I have a special surprise
for you ladies.

- ALI: Oh.
- I love surprises.

Now, we all know that Mari and James
have a bright and shiny future. Okay?

But specifics are good, right?

So I hired a psychic.
Come on.

- Come on! Yes!
- That's really sweet, Olivia.

But don't nobody want no Dionne Warwick
psychic-hotline con artist

spinning bullshit about our past.

Okay, well, she's already here,
and she probably can hear you, so...

Ah.

(MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Where did you find her?

- Facebook.
- What?

All right, ladies...

our spiritual journey tonight
will begin with...

Oh!
(SPEAKING IN TONGUES)

(CHANTING) ♪ Old school players
to new school fools ♪

♪ Kast keep it jumpin"... ♪

(MUMBLING)

♪ Nigga be tryin' to... ♪

♪ Ain't your mama pretty ♪

♪ Got meatballs in her titty ♪

Bee-otch!

(MUMBLING, HUMMING)

(GASPS, STOMPS)

You.

My card.

Um... (CHUCKLES)

Please tap these cards.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Hmm!

Mm.

Mmm. Mmm!

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

Mmm!

Mmm!

Uh! Uh!

(SCREAMS)

It says here you're
having problems at work.

Yeah, you heard me
talking to my girlfriends.

Mm-hmm. Mm, mm. Mm!

There's a man there who
does not want you to succeed.

Uh, he feels threatened by you.

Ah. A man?
Trya dozen.

There's also a man who you
will have a relationship with.

And his name begins with...

W.

- Will?
- Wait, ho...

How did you know that?
How the fuck did you know that?

(STAMMERS)

Were you spying on me
at the Highland Tap last night?

Ma'am, I don't know who you are.

Plus, I'm 19 years sober.

If you don't count the weed
and the peyote and the crack.

Crack?

I was just kidding. (LAUGHS)

Fuck the goddamn shit.

You want to know
how to connect with men, right?

- Uh...
- Well, I can help you

open your inner portal.

Yeah.

So, let's just... have some tea.

- Oh, I don't really like tea.
- No, no, have some.

Oh, what's that smell?

Oh, that's the fey lougawou plant.

It's an extract from Haiti.

Then I can read you.

Just take a sip.

Go on, take a sip.
Relax.

- Ew.
- Oh.

Whoa, yes!

- Now...
- (GAGGING)

- (WOMEN GASPING)
- Oh, yeah, drink it.

- Get it down. Sip it.
- Uh...

Oh. Travel within.
Feel yourself.

Feel it.
Relax.

You are yin...

and you are yang.
(ECHOING)

You are both male and female.

(MOANING)

Ali.
Oh, feel it all inside.

(TRIBAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Let it work your insides.

You are yin...

Do you feel it?

...and you are yang.

Journey within.

Hear your inner,
inner, inner voice.

Ali.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

I'm ready to shake a tail feather!

- We didn't get enough of that bong.
- Hey, Lyft driver!

- Are you ready for the girls?
- Whoo!

- The party bus has arrived!
- Yes!

Bitch said my fashion was terrible.

MARI: Oh, that was so much fun.
It was such a great reading.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

MARI: Whoa, whoa, whoa,
take it easy, girl.

I don't want to spend my special night
holding your hair out of the toilet.

- No, girl, I'm good.
- MARI: Okay.

I don't know if
it's that freaky tea

or if it's all the weed
and the Hennessy,

but honey, I am feeling it!

Is anybody else feeling...
(WHISTLES)

("HOOCHIE MAMA" PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(SONG CONTINUES)

(SQUEALING) That's my song!

Uh, actually, it's my song.
(CHUCKLES)

- Oh!
- You... You remember?

Before I started following the Lord,

I was following 2 Live Crew on tour.

- It's true, it's so true.
- Oh, my God!

Little secret here...
this song is about me.

- (LAUGHS)
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

All right.

Okay, I gotta go.
I gotta go. Move.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

- Ooh!
- Whoo!

(SONG CONTINUES)

(SINGING ALONG)

Oh, someone had too much
whisky tonight.

(SINGS)

Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!

ALI: Ah! Ah!

(MUSIC FADES)

- (INTERCOM BEEPS)
- (INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT)

Oh. Morning, Ms. Davis.
(CHUCKLES)

All your signs look good,

but I'm gonna check your vitals once more
before we release you back in the wild.

DOCTOR: Thank God
this one didn't die on me.

Some dickweed shoves
a whole hairdryer into his rectum,

electrocutes himself in the shower,

but somehow I'm responsible.

I mean, who does that?

Um, excuse me.

- Hmm?
- Doc.

- Did you say something?
- No.

You did. You said something about
some dude shoving a hairdryer up his ass.

- I don't think I did.
- No, I heard you.

And that's... that's weird.

That's something very weird to say.

Oh, well, anyway, uh...

Blood pressure's normal.
All good.

DOCTOR:
I must be losing it.

Starting today,
no more drinking at work.

- Just cocaine.
- Hey!

Why are you telling me
about your coke problem?

A, it makes me very uncomfortable.
You're a doctor.

And B, just too much information.

- I didn't say anything.
- You did.

- Are you taping this?
- What?

I'm calling a lawyer.

You need rehab.

Where's my cell phone?

Oh, you're okay.
Hallelujah.

Praise the Lord.
I've been praying and fasting all night.

- I'm starving! Muah, muah.
- Oh, you are so dramatic.

And my knees are killing me.

Hey, girl, I got some Combos.
Raided the vending machine!

This place smells like
gonorrhoea. Ugh!

- What did you say?
- BRANDON: Hmm?

- Ms. Davis, you're free to go.
- Oh, finally!

I can take you home
or I brought work clothes.

Work.

- Ali, can't you take it easy for a change?
- No, no, no. Don't do that.

You know what,
close that so I can get dressed.

- Hey, queen.
- Hi, how are you?

I'm good.
So... here's the T.

We had a bachelorette party last night,
and we're a little hung over.

So if you could just
hook us up with some... Oxy?

No, ma'am, I'm sorry.
I can't do that.

Darvocet?

Percocet?

Any 'cets?

All the 'cets? Oh, you nasty!
All the 'cets?

No, ma'am, we can't do that.
Sorry.

Okay, this is gonna change your mind.

Gonna blow your mind.

- No, I'm sorry.
- Meet me on eight.

Girl, I can't do transactions
in public like this.

On eight, in the closet.

ALI: Oh, my doctor says
I can't drive for a week.

Which should give me enough time
to find my driver's licence.

Which could be anywhere,
after last night.

BRANDON: Well, at least I don't have to
peel used condoms off your back today.

So far.

Okay, stop doing that.

Stop doing what?

Talking without moving your mouth

and saying rude shit you
should not be saying to your boss.

I swear on my life

I would never say anything disrespectful
or inappropriate to you ever.

BRANDON: Which is more than
I can say for you.

Right there.
You just did it.

You said,
"More than I can say for you."

And then there was that crack
about the condom on my back.

- I heard you say it!
- But I... (STAMMERS) I didn't say it.

BRANDON: Holy shit,
are you reading my mind?

Because if you can hear my
inner thoughts, I am super fucked!

I can hear your inner thoughts,
and you are super fucked!

(BOTH SCREAM)

Stop screaming!

- (BRANDON SCREAMING)
- I said stop doing that!

- Okay, Brandon, pull over.
- Okay.

- Pull over, I need some air.
- I'm pulling over.

I need some air.
Pull over right here!

I'm pulling over!

- Stop the fucking car!
- I'm stopping the car!

I stopped thinking!
I swear!

- I'm not screaming inside my head! Hello?
- No, no, no, no.

BRANDON: Wait, what are you doing?
You don't do stairs!

What are you doing?

Okay, okay.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Fresh air.

MAN 1: Goddamn dog.
I wish I could shit anywhere.

That would be cool.

MAN 2: These shoes
are fucking killing me.

MAN 3: What was the name of
that cheese that I liked?

MAN 4: Michael Keaton
was the best Batman.

MAN 5: Yes, bitch, I look good
in this hat. I know.

MAN 6: That's water on my pants,
not pee.

- MAN 7: Is it "croyssant" or "croissant"?
- ALI: Oh!

MAN 8: Nothing wrong with being a virgin,
no matter what my mom says.

- MAN 9: French people are so cool.
- MAN 10: Did I let the dog out?

MAN 11: I wish I'd fucked a
black broad before I got married.

Hello, Oprah!

No! No! No! No!

BRANDON: Would you stop running?
It's cobblestone!

Shut up, just shut up!

- Good morning, Ms. Davis.
- Good morning.

VALET: This whole wearing ladies'
underwear thing is fantastic.

Who knew?

Ali, can you hear other people?

KEY TO SIGNING MATT RYAN: befriending
his wife through mutual friends at BC.

What are the odds that we sponsor
the same charity?

She vouches for me,
boom, I'm in.

Shit, man, that's some next-level
ass-kissing right there. Respect!

ETHAN: How does this douche
have a nicer watch than me?

Got to be family money.

Shit, I hope no one figures out
that this Rolex is a fake.

- What up, Ali D?
- Gentlemen.

EDDIE: I hate my voice.
I hate my nose. I hate my chin.

- I suck, I suck, I suck!
- (ALI GROANS QUIETLY)

MAN 1: Pretend I'm working,
pretend I'm working, pretend I'm working.

MAN 2: I'm pretty sure
I still reek of tequila.

- No more day drinking.
- Good morning.

Look straight ahead.

MAN 3: God, these piercings hurt.
God, these piercings hurt!

MAN 4: Come on,
anal isn't cheating.

MAN 5: I wonder if it's too late
to become a marine biologist.

MAN 6: I don't think this
deodorant is working.

What?
The Jets?

Are you fucking kidding me?
Are you fucking kidding me?

See, this is why Dad left.

This is exactly why Dad left
because of shit like this.

Oh, hey, you two.

DANNY: Ooh, I'd pay $10,000
to see those nipples. Plus tax.

(MOUTHING)

No, this is not happening.
This is not...

Oh, my God, please make it stop!

- Oh, God, you walk fast in those heels.
- Please, God, make it stop.

BRANDON: Is this thing still on?
Testing, testing.

I enjoy apple slices
with cinnamon.

Okay, your snack choices
do not interest me right now!

- BRANDON: Oh, I'm so scared.
- I need help! Can't you see that?

Help me! Help me!

- Help me!
- Okay, I'm helping! I'm helping.

I am booking us a psychiatrist
with side-by-side couches.

No, no, no! No more doctors!
I can't handle doctors!

I'm in the middle of too much
work shit for this!

I can't handle this!
I can't...

Oh, my God. I'm so hot.
I'm so hot. Oh, my God.

I'm getting hot! I'm hot!

- Do something.
- Okay, okay, okay!

BRANDON: You know what's
weird about this?

When people hear voices,
it's usually God or Satan,

not their assistant.

Okay, wait. Let me see something.
Move!

MAN 1: Yo, I want some sushi.
But it's Monday.

MAN 2: How many pees a day is too many?
I gotta get my prostate checked.

MAN 3: I am not going back
to naked yoga.

MAN 4: Another pair of sneakers?
What the fuck?

- MAN 5: Did I leave the back door open?
- MAN 6: Tinder or Grindr?

MAN 7:
Junk, junk, junk in the trunk.

MAN 8: Damn! How the hell
did she get pregnant?

- I pulled out twice.
- Oh, my God!

Okay, so apparently
I only hear men's voices.

And yours. (WHINES)

Okay. Ouch.
Wait, wait, wait.

Walk me through last night...
the bachelorette party.

Did... Did you gals get into
any controlled substances?

- Weed? X? Coke? Ayahuasca? Meth?
- A little. No.

- LSD? Fentanyl? Bath salt?
- No!

- Are you in a K hole?
- (GASPS)

Wait.

There was this psychic.
Sister.

Yes! Yes! Sister!

And she was supposed to help me
understand men better.

She gave me this tea, this tea,
and she made me drink it.

And it was nasty.
It tasted like dirt.

- And you drank it?
- She said to!

I thought black people stopped
drinking tea after Get Out.

- (ALI SIGHS)
- You forgot to stay woke.

Shut up!
We need to see Sister.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Um, that's it.

BRANDON:
"Hot Chocolate Hair Designers"?

- Yeah.
- You drank tea from this place?

- Hey, don't judge me.
- Okay.

ALI: Just pull it together
and act normal.

WOMAN: Yeah, girl.
She bleached all his clothes.

- I know, I was looking outside my window.
- I...

Mm-hmm. I woulda did the same thing.
Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Hi, ladies.
Excuse me.

I'm looking for a psychic
by the name of Sister.

Um, I heard she works here.

Hey, Sister!
You got customers.

SISTER: Well, send 'em on back.

Through that curtain.

(SISTER SINGING)

- Come on!
- SISTER: ♪ Dance with me, ♪

♪ dance with me ♪

♪ And romance with me,
romance with me ♪

♪ Oh, baby,
don't you see me crying? ♪

♪ I'll do you right,
right, baby tonight ♪

- Hi.
- Hi.

You looking for indica or sativa?

Look, I got this hybrid
called Gorilla Glue.

Baby, it'll take you up and
then lay you back down to chill.

I'm not here to buy weed.

I actually need
psychic advice, please.

I was just kidding.

Oh.

We all know weed is illegal
in the state of Georgia.

- Okay.
- For the moment. (CHUCKLES)

- You can sit over there.
- I can... just get a quick wash.

So...

what can I do for you, baby?

You did a... a tarot reading at my
friend Mari's bachelorette night.

- Mm-hmm.
- And you made me drink

- this really funky tea.
- Mm.

And, um, it messed me up.
So, what was in it?

Oh, that was just jasmine tea.

- ALI: Oh.
- And a teeny bit of pot.

And a teeny, tiny bit of... X.

- What?
- FYI, you signed a waiver.

So you dosed me?

No, no, no. Do...
You see, people... People like it.

People enjoy this, generally.
But what do you want me to do?

- Some dry cleaning?
- Mm-mm.

Did she... Did you shit yourself?

- No. No. No.
- Did she shit herself?

- No! No.
- Oh.

Okay, so... (CHUCKLES)

- This tea with ecstasy...
- Okay.

...um, gave me psychic powers.

- And...
- Mm-hmm.

...now, I know you said you wanted
to help me understand men better,

but now... Now I can literally
hear people's inner thoughts.

So, you can hear
what I'm thinking right now?

No. Not you, just... just men.

It's true.

And it's driving me nuts.
Please help.

Amazing. Amazing!

- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is! That's amazing!

This is the most amazing thing.

- You know the website said...
- Website?

...that this new tea from Haiti
was coldblooded.

It said it was the shit.

But this!

This is a psychic phenomenon.

- No, it's not.
- Look...

you got the shine now.

I don't want the shine.
That doesn't sound good.

- Yeah, you got the shine.
- You got it.

So, what do you think
I'm supposed to do about it?

Well... look.

I know I always said, you know,
"What is he thinking?"

And now I know.

And you don't want to know
because it's not good.

Okay, just please...
get the men out of my head.

So, you're telling me that you came
in here to get rid of this ability?

- Yes.
- Are you crazy?

No. Do you know how
many men I work with?

Honey, relax. Breathe.

- Listen, come here.
- What?

- Come, come, come on.
- That's a lot of rocks.

Thank you.
Come here, let me...

- Those are nice.
- Thank you, thank you.

- Okay. Oh, God.
- Now, listen. Just calm down.

- You feel that?
- Yeah.

- You feel that?
- Oh, yeah.

- You feel it? Okay. Listen...
- I do. I actually do.

- I feel that.
- Good. Calm down.

- Okay.
- Now, weren't you the one...

ALI: Mm.

...complaining about men
holding you down at the job?

- Yeah. That was me.
- Yeah, that was you.

- Yeah, that was good.
- That was you. Uh-huh.

- Yeah, right there. Mm.
- Right here? Okay.

Now, if you can read their thoughts...

how they gonna do that?

(DISTANT TRIBAL CHANTING)

You could get inside
Joe Dolla's head.

- Or Jamal's.
- You're right.

And I can sign the
hell out of him.

There you go.

You know what?

I think I'm gonna hold on
to this gift after all.

Thank you, Sister.

("SUPER BAD" PLAYING)

- See you later.
- Kevin, my man.

Do we have any meetings on the books
for Joe Dolla and Jamal yet?

Nothing yet,
but we are working on it.

KEVIN: Just poker at Nick's house
tonight, and you're not invited.

(SONG CONTINUES)

ALI: Joe Dolla, here I come.

Okay, gentlemen... (CHUCKLES)

I am going to climb
into your minds

and empty your wallets.

(DOORBELL DINGS)

Hey!

- Ali! What's up?
- Hi.

You here to drop off paperwork?

ETHAN: What the fuck
are you doing here?

No, I am here for
secret poker night.

Thanks for inviting me finally.

- Hey, I brought a gift.
- It's not a secret.

But super glad you've
been invited... finally.

- ALI: Me, too.
- Huh? I invited you? That's...

No, I invited you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

("BILLS, BILLS, BILLS" PLAYING)

MARK: Pair of sevens? Fuck it.
I'm bluffing these fools.

GRANT: This is literally
the worst hand ever dealt

in the history of poker.

SHAQ:
Three fives, come to papa.

Grant lost some weight.

- Bet's to you, Miss Win-Win.
- Ah.

It's just Miss Win tonight,
but I'm in.

Two thou.

ETHAN: And that's a no.

JOE: I smell toast.
Am I having a stroke?

Wait, I have toast in my pocket.
(SIGHS)

Okay...

MARK: Gotta stop playing poker
with poor people.

(SONG CONTINUES)

GRANT: Shit, I'm missing
Real Housewives.

SHAQ: Nothing.

MARK: I'm so rich.

JOE: I'm gonna freeze my sperm
and have baby ice cubes.

EDDIE: Ooh, Yahtzee!

KEVIN: All right. Two kings.
Let's look for number three.

GRANT: You can't win this hand.

EDDIE: Played tight.
It's time to make a push.

JOE: Two hearts? Yes!

- ETHAN: Seriously?
- MARK: Aw, shit.

SHAQ: Great pot odds,
with two streets to come.

- MARK: King of diamonds.
- KEVIN: Nine, five, offsuit.

What am I supposed
to do with this?

EDDIE: Never win shit here.

JOE: She got balls.
Big lady balls.

Young lady...

I see how you winning all these
games and stuff, you know?

And I know there's something
going on, you dig? (LAUGHS)

It's a numerical anomaly,
that's what it is.

No, Joe. I'm just really good
at reading people.

Like you.

GRANT: Aw, shit.

MARK: What's happening?

(LAUGHS) Like me! That's what she said.
She said like me.

Like me is a valuable skill, girl.

Uh, it's like being able
to start a fire in the woods.

JOE: I should really learn
how to start a fire in the woods.

Then again,
when am I ever in the woods?

Squirrels are terrifying.
And frogs.

I'll raise you another three.

SHAQ: Statistically, I've got 12 outs
with two streets to come.

The pretzels are delicious.

I feel the heat coming off
those cards. I'm out.

(ALI LAUGHS)

(SONG CONTINUES)

NICK:
Damn! I got to cut one.

It's that egg salad.

I'll sneak it out with a cough.

- JOE: Ew!
- EDDIE: What the fuck?

- GRANT: Ugh!
- MARK: Just... just wow.

EDDIE: Ugh, is that egg salad?

Damn! Could we open up a window?

Whoever did that needs
to go see a doctor.

JOE: Seven, deuce, offsuit.
Who dealt this shit-ass hand?

Oh, damn it! I did.

Fuck it.
I'm gonna take my stand here.

I'll raise you two thousand.

NICK: For the love of God, Ali,
don't take all of Joe Dolla's money.

Let the greedy motherfucker win.

JOE:
I kinda like this crazy woman.

Well, it's just me and you, Joe Dolla.

- Alpha Dog vs. Mama Bear!
- (GROWLS)

JOE:
Is this crazy lady bluffing?

I got to bluff the bluffer.

Make her the bluffee.

I'm all in.

I ain't playing no more
games with you. I'm all in.

I'm all in.

What you got?
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

(LAUGHS)

Hm.

- Well-played, Dolla.
- (JOE SQUEALS)

(STIFLING LAUGHTER)

JOE: Oh, a little bit of pee came out.
(LAUGHS)

I tell you, this woman's a charm.
She's my good luck charm.

She coming to the
meeting tomorrow, Nick?

You got it, Joe.
Anything you say.

Wouldn't be a meeting without her.
Right, Ali?

I wouldn't miss it for the world.
(LAUGHS)

JOE: That's right, girl, you better not.
You hear me?

- ETHAN: What the fuck just happened?
- (JOE LAUGHS)

It's a good-looking pot.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

CAPTAIN FUCKTASTIC:
Damn, she's fine.

She smells like
cigar smoke and whisky.

So sexy. Mm!

Shame she's with
that skinny white guy.

How did he get her?

He's gay. (COUGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT) Gay. He's gay.

I'm sorry, what?

Oh, I thought you said something
about the guy that's always with me.

He's my assistant.

He's gay. He's my gay assistant.

Cool.

CAPTAIN FUCKTASTIC:
Wonder if I should ask her out.

Why can't it ever be the woman
who makes the move?

I wish she would just slam me against
these elevator doors and kiss me.

("FREE YOUR MIND" PLAYING)

Excuse me?

- What are you doing?
- This.

(MOANING, GRUNTING)

(SONG CONTINUES)

ALI: Whoo!

- Let's take it upstairs to the loft.
- Ooh!

- It's sexier than the bedroom.
- Okay.

Wait, let me freshen up a little bit.

- Bathroom's right there.
- Okay.

- And take your time, okay?
- Okay.

I got to say, it was spooky
how you read my mind.

CAPTAIN FUCKTASTIC:
That was the hottest shit ever.

Mm, mm.

Go get ready, go get ready.
Let me see you walk away.

I'm gonna get so ready.

- ALI: Whoo!
- CAPTAIN FUCKTASTIC: Oh, shit! Oh, damn!

- She could be the one!
- ALI: Oh, shit!

You into that African freaky shit.

♪ Ooh, I've been waiting, Lord ♪

(SONG CONTINUES)

(SONG ENDS)

(MONASTIC CHANTING)

Oh. What kind of music is that?
(LAUGHS)

Mm, I really love your artwork.
You're very cultured.

Are you ready?
Here I come.

Why are you so quiet?
(LAUGHS)

(GASPS)

Before we begin,
we should agree on a safe word.

What the fuck?

No, no. "What the fuck" won't work.
Something more specific.

Yeah, you know what?
I think I left my kid in the back seat.

But you stay right there.

- Hey! Come on!
- ALI: No, no, no!

CAPTAIN FUCKTASTIC:
I thought you were the real deal!

Jamal Barry.
Now, you are the real deal.

And on behalf of the
entire Summit team,

I want to thank you for taking your time
to hear our presentation today.

All right, so I'ma bounce pass this
over to my man Kevin Myrtle.

And he'll take it from here.

- You're in good hands.
- Okay, take it away.

This agency represents the
biggest athletes in the world,

but we here believe that
you can surpass them all

with your skills,
your confidence, your charisma.

We see you

as the athlete that every kid
is gonna want to grow up to be.

Now, this is just a little teaser

of the coming attractions
for Jamal Barry's future.

(SIRENS WAILING,
HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON VIDEO)

MAN: (RAPPING) ♪ No cap, no cap ♪

♪ I see you motherfuckers wanna talk
About Jamal this and Jamal that ♪

♪ But we balls to the wall
Motherfucker! ♪

♪ Y'all like small balls
I'm that big dog ♪

♪ I'm like Shaq D on Adderall
That's how I ball ♪

♪ See that private jet
That model chick ♪

♪ That's how I ball ♪

♪ See, she like it raw
She like it raw ♪

♪ That's how I ball ♪

♪ They try to put the head on my salary
I still ball ♪

♪ Respect the name Jamal
I come from Joe Barry's balls ♪

♪ If we can't talk at all ♪

♪ Then we can't talk at all ♪

♪ How I ball
How I ball ♪

♪ How I ball ♪

♪ And can't nobody ball like Jamal ♪

♪ And bitches love balls ♪

- ♪ Especially Jamal's balls ♪
- (WOMAN MOANS)

♪ No cap, there's no cap
Yeah, there's no cap ♪

Okay...

♪ Yeah, there's no cap
Yeah, there's no cap ♪

(NICK LAUGHS)

- ETHAN: Nice.
- (LAUGHTER, CLAPPING)

MAN: Whoo!

NICK: Baller video, Kev.

Now, look, I...

That is a rough edit of, you know,
what we're feeling here.

JOE: Ten percent for this reject
'90s Diddy video? Hell, no!

JAMAL:
Man, get me out of here.

I just want to play some
pickup at Wabash Park.

Oh, please, please, gentlemen, please.

I think I know what's on
everybody's mind here.

(SIGHS)
You're not going with Summit.

And why should you?

That cheap '90s rap video
is not who you are.

That's right.

'Cause this boy's body
is a Shinto shrine, okay?

Every breakfast he ever has
is made with my patented smoothie.

JAMAL:
Oh, man, not the smoothie rant.

We're talking about kale,
chia seed, coconut juice, avocados.

You know how many avocados
is in this boy's body?

- Look at his legs!
- (ALI CHUCKLES)

On top of that, fish oils, mega-nines,
sometimes fives and sixes.

- Omega.
- Depends on what I have.

Pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds.

- Some pistachios sometimes go in there.
- Okay.

- Whatever it is...
- Sounds healthy.

No, wait a minute!

I put more stuff in it.
Sometimes I add cherries.

A little soy sauce,
some duck sauce.

Okay, then I add more chia seed
on top of that!

I care about this here boy.

Okay, Joe...

You could hire a freelance agent
and pay only five percent,

but you would be missing out on what
a full-service agency has to offer.

Besides what,
free Fiji water and a sizzle reel?

Look, building a billion-dollar brand
goes beyond cutting costs. Okay?

It's about developing relationships
with leading sponsors.

Knowing who delivers
and who's all hype.

It's installing protections
to keep your money

through injuries, trades.

- Look... It's...
- (COFFEE POURING)

It's not really about
our vision for you at all.

It's about what's in your mind, Jamal.

Right on.

JAMAL: That all sounds great,

but what I really could use
right now is a cup of coffee.

Even... if it's as simple
as a cup of coffee.

Damn.

- How'd you know that?
- Just doing my job.

ETHAN:
Okay, now she's pissing me off.

- KEVIN: What the fuck just happened?
- EDDIE: I thought that video was awesome.

JOE: You know what? To be honest,

I never considered
a female agent until now.

Until Branch Rickey took a
chance on Jackie Robinson,

no one ever considered a coloured
baseball player in the majors.

(LAUGHS)
Well, Branch Rickey was the mahatma.

- ALI: Mm-hmm.
- Only white man deserving of sainthood.

- Abraham Lincoln, Pop.
- But he was part Eskimo.

Mr. Barry's car is at the valet.

Thank you, Brandon.
And you know what?

I would love to
finish this conversation.

How about I invite you
to the Hawks game?

Sunday afternoon?
We have a sky suite.

- JAMAL: Skybox... Fuck yes!
- Can't do it. Not gonna happen.

- That's family day. You understand?
- Oh.

Hey, Sly and the Family Stone
could be coming out of seclusion.

I mean, it could be an asteroid
coming towards Earth.

"Oh, no, no!"

Not gonna happen, you understand?

- 'Cause we lock it down.
- JAMAL: Damn.

But you know something,
you wouldn't understand that,

'cause you're not,
like, a family woman.

What makes you think
I'm not a family woman?

Whoo, whoo, whoo!

No disrespect.
I mean, you doing you.

But this is a different set
of values right here.

You know, we all about the roots.

- So this is about the roots, it's deep.
- Roots.

JOE: I don't trust a woman
with no family.

Like I don't trust a man with
no eyebrows and too many keys.

As a matter of fact,
I will bring my family.

There they are, right there.

There, both of them, the big one
and the little. Hey, Will!

Hey! Hey! Will! Will!

Come over here.

- Uh, who are they?
- (LAUGHS)

- This is your husband?
- Ah, the man put a ring on it.

Oh, yeah! Did you want me to have
your family wait upstairs?

ALI: No, I need you to roll calls.

- Roll calls, Brandon.
- Okay.

Hey! Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

WILL: Oh, now she's smiling?
Clearly crazy.

BRANDON: Who the fuck are they?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Um, Will, this is Jamal Barry
and his dad, Joe Dolla.

That's Ben. (CHUCKLES)

WILL: Holy shit, it is.

- Wassup, man?
- What's goin' on, brother?

Yeah, bring it on in here, playa!

Right on.
That's a live one on your hands.

Oh, yes, I'm alive.

- You talking about him?
- (ALI CLEARS THROAT)

You got me!

He's a funny fella.
This guy's a prankster.

He is.

(LAUGHS) Ow.

I dig this here,
but you know what?

I'ma let y'all have
your family time.

Girl, you look like you
spit this little boy out.

"Family time"?

You look just like your mother, boy.

ALI: Okay, I'll talk to you later.
All right! Yes.

So, hey, what are you
guys doing here?

Go ahead, do your thing.
Show her.

Sorry. I found your licence
on the floor in my dad's room.

And I'm also sorry for wearing
your underwear on my head.

Okay. Thank you. Um...

And, you know,
I should probably apologise

for leaving your house in such a frenzy,
I just...

I can be short
with people sometimes.

I'm sure you probably
thought I was crazy.

WILL: Crazy people don't think
they're crazy, so maybe she's not.

- Mm-hmm.
- Can you try to be nice to my dad?

Ever since Mom died,
Dad's been very lonely.

- What?
- Whoa, whoa, hey, hey. It's okay, buddy.

Why didn't you say that to me
in the beginning?

Well, I was gonna tell
you that morning,

but you ran out so fast, you...

You know, I'm... I'm sorry about...

WILL: Wait, why am I
apologising to her?

I didn't do nothing wrong.

You know what?
Why don't I make it up to both of you

and invite you to the Hawks
and Timberwolves game on Sunday?

We have a skybox.

WILL: Karl-Anthony Towns?
Skybox!

- You serious?
- Yes.

Well, yeah.
Yeah, that'd be nice.

- Okay, well, I'll see you Sunday. Great.
- All right, cool, cool.

(MOUTHING)

- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, that was supposed to be
a team presentation,

not some bullshit
"You go, girl" moment.

The only bullshit in that room

was that racist Lifestyle of
the Rich and Clueless shit!

KEVIN: Ball-busting bitch!

(ALI CHUCKLES)

Well, if Team Bro would listen
to a sister every once in a while,

maybe I wouldn't have to be
a ball-busting bitch.

I did not say that.

KEVIN: Shit, did I?

If you didn't, you thought it.

KEVIN: Stop moving the car.

Stop moving the fucking car.

I know it was you who
voted me down from partner.

What? I voted to make you
partner every single time,

and please stop moving
the fucking car!

KEVIN: Maybe I shouldn't have.
You're crazy as fuck.

Wait.

You really voted for me?

Yes! This is a business.
I'm a numbers guy.

You get the numbers.
End of story.

All right, so if it wasn't you,
then who was it?

I don't know.
It could've been anyone!

It's not like you have
a lot of friends here.

You're constantly
throwing the first punch,

and you got you and no one else.

That's bullshit. (LAUGHS)
That's bullshit.

Because if I were a man,
people would say I play hard.

KEVIN: If you were a man, people
would say that you were a dick.

Well, thanks for the talk.

It's always nice for a woman
to be called a dick.

Wha...

I did not say that.

MAN 1: No more dating strippers
unless Fantasia calls me back.

MAN 2: I'm getting fat.
Like, Rerun fat.

Hey, Ali. I heard you crushed
your Jamal Barry meeting. Nice.

DANNY: I'm so hot for you!

I wish I could scream it out loud,
but no one would understand.

Oh, Danny, thank you.
You're so sweet.

DANNY: Don't think I don't see
that big-ass dick

trying to bust
through those pants.

What did you say?

We didn't say anything.

I'm gonna, uh...
go back to my desk.

Um, I'll see you two later.

DANNY:
You and me, Brandon, someday.

(CROWD CHEERING)

So, Nick, what'd Ali mention
about five-percent commission?

Five-percent commission.
She's hilarious.

Would you excuse me a second?

So when is this fabulous
fake family gonna show?

They will be here.

Well, the Barry Bunch
keep asking for him.

- Hey.
- Hey!

- Hey, sorry we're late.
- I know, honey.

You had a rough day.

And you, you little... thing.

Go.

JOE: Hey, yo, Ali!

I have a monumentally important
question to ask you.

- Okay.
- Do you trust Elon Musk?

'Cause that man is one white glove
and metal hand away

from being a James Bond villain.

Freaky.

Hey, thanks again
for inviting us, Ali.

- Okay, yes.
- Appreciate you.

- Wassup, Will?
- Wassup, Jamal?

- What's going on, man?
- Hey, man. You good?

- Yes, sir.
- Yeah, yeah, I'm... I'm... I'm good.

WILL: Holy shit, Jamal Barry
remembered my name!

WOMAN: That skank is a ho.

Ali Cat and Will of the People,

that is my baby girl, my wife.
Loretta!

I know, bitch is always talking
shit about other people.

Her nappy weave is some
virgin hair from Peru.

- (LAUGHS) I'm fine.
- Baby, will you please get off the phone?

You said this was family day.

I know.
I'm talking to my mother.

Oh, I didn't know.

Look, Ma, I got to go.

NICK: If she botches this,
she is fired.

JOE: And, baby, this is Ali.

She's the one I demolished
in poker night.

- Mm.
- I brought out the alpha dogs.

Is that the same alpha dog who was
supposed to get me a pinot grigio?

You know,
I tell you what, Mrs. Barry,

why don't I step out
to the main bar with you

and then I can get
some Mama Jamal stories, huh?

- Hey, bubby, don't be long!
- Mm-hmm.

You're my oxygen!

(CROWD CHEERS)

JAMAL: Now, this is the court
I want to play on.

(BEN LAUGHING)

- Ben, come here.
- Ben, come here.

- Ben, come here.
- Ben-Ben, come here. Here, now.

- Ben. Ben-ben, come here.
- No, Ben. Come, come, come...

- Ben, Ben, come here.
- Ben, come here.

- Ben, Ben. (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS) Ben.

- Ben.
- Ben. Come...

- Ben, come here.
- Ben, Ben, come here.

Wow! Y'all are cute, man.
Y'all so cute!

(BOTH) Ahh!

Like peanut butter and jelly
and pickled herring,

you know,
but you got arms and legs.

- (LAUGHS) That's so us.
- How did y'all meet?

- Uh... I'll take it! We...
- Well, I...

Uh, well, it's kind of embarrassing.

It was a one-night stand.

Wow, nice! Yeah, nice.

Hey, ain't nothing wrong with a little bit
of shame in the Walk of Shame.

You know what I'm saying?
That's a paradox.

But now y'all can enjoy
your fruits of y'all labour,

'cause that's what it's about!
You know, 'cause...

WILL: What in the fuck
is he talking about?

Fruits, he's...

Little man!
You planning being a baller someday?

Oh, yes! Ben... Big Ben loves basketball.
Isn't that right, Ben?

I don't... I don't really...
I don't really think so.

Actually, no. You know...

He finds the craziest stuff
on the Internet.

- Yes, he does.
- I got to limit his screen time.

You know? Because me,
you know, I'm a single...

Uh, you know what?
I am... (COUGHS) parched.

Can you please get me
some wine, baby?

Yeah, yeah. What do you want?
They got red, white...

It doesn't matter.
Surprise me.

- Go get some. Just go get me some.
- Ali.

Ah, you know me.

Get me some!

- Surprise me!
- You've got a strong hand.

- Oh, you so crazy!
- It's strong.

- He's silly.
- He don't know your wine preference?

Oh, he does.
We just like surprises, that's all.

Guess what?
My birthday's next week.

Ooh! How old you gonna be?

Tell him, Ben.

Six.

Six.

JAMAL:
You gonna blow it out, little man?

Yes! We're gonna do it really big.

We're gonna do big things
for his birthday. Right, Ben?

- You are?
- Yeah! Really big.

If we're talking blowout,
what I really wanted is

a cake shaped like a sports car.

Oh, you got it, Ben!
You got it.

Promise?

Yes, I promise.

What... Wait, wait... Oh!
(LAUGHS)

That's a beautiful thing, girl.
(LAUGHS)

Ooh-hoo-hoo.

Well, thank you so much for coming.
I hope you had a good time.

Oh, no. We had an amazing time.
Thank you.

Hey, um, how about tomorrow night
I'll take you out?

But we gonna do something
a little bit more low-key than, uh...

- Oh, yeah, sure! Sure.
- Yeah, okay.

Okay, well, you go ahead home.

- Oh, hey!
- Wha... What...

- Good night! Good night. Ohh!
- Uh, okay...

Make sure you put him into bed.
I'll see you soon.

- I got it, I got it.
- All right, okay.

This boy get up and he drink
smoothies 16 times a day.

Sometimes he get the runs,
but it's all good.

That's only when his mother make it.

You know what I'm saying?
'Cause she just overloads.

MAN: Ali?

Karl-Anthony!

- How you doing, sweetheart?
- Great game, baby!

Triple double and we didn't win.
So, it don't mean shit.

- You know how that go.
- Those numbers, though.

You keep putting those numbers up.
Hey, Jamal!

Come here, I got somebody
I want you to meet.

- Oh, that's your mans?
- Well, I'm working on it.

- KARL-ANTHONY: I feels you.
- JAMAL: Holy shit! Don't freak out.

It's Karl-Anthony!
Yo, he's looking at me!

Yo, Jamal Barry, right?

- Yes, sir. Yep.
- Appreciate it, man. Much love.

- Nice to meet you.
- Absolutely. Absolutely.

JAMAL: Holy shit!
Uh, hey, hey, don't freak out.

Yo, I've been watching you
since high school, man.

I must say, young fella,
I'm pretty impressed.

- Oh, for real?
- Yeah, man, you're killing it.

- Cool. Yeah, yeah, that's cool.
- KARL-ANTHONY: Kid's nervous.

Probably thinking,
"Holy shit, it's Karl-Anthony Towns!"

JAMAL: Holy shit,
it's Karl-Anthony Towns!

Karl-Anthony, do you have any advice
for our young fella here?

- (KARL-ANTHONY HUMMING)
- KARL-ANTHONY: Listen, man, for real,

you got great things ahead of you,
but always remember,

no one has ever become a star
playing for himself.

Always got to keep the team first.

KARL-ANTHONY: ♪ If you like piña coladas
And getting caught in the rain ♪

Damn! Got to get that
stupid song out of my head.

- You feel me?
- Totally.

JAMAL: I have no idea
what he just said.

- Oh, shit. I'll see you.
- JOE: Yo, Karl!

Hey, Karl! Hey, Karl!

Hey, I got a way to disrupt
the children's beverage sector!

That was a great game, right?

Well, just give me a call
if you need anything else, okay?

As a matter of fact,
there is something I need.

Can I get a ballpark estimate
of what kind of deals we expect?

You know what I'm saying?
Just for financial planning purposes.

Pops, you can't ask her to do work for us
if you haven't signed with her agency.

Yeah, but if I like what I hear,

- we can say we got ourselves an agent.
- (LORETTA CHUCKLES)

Brandon! Can you get me
some coffee, please? Thank you.

BRANDON: Peach cobbler, peach cobbler,
peach cobbler.

Peach cobbler with blueberries.

Peach cobbler warmed up.
Peach cobbler.

- What are you mumbling about?
- BRANDON: Peach cobbler à la mode.

I am thinking about
my favourite dessert

so that you can't hear
my actual thoughts.

Oh, no, no, no.
Out with it. Come, come.

I believe you are a good person.

So, I am choosing to chalk
this fake-family business

up to an overabundance
of competitive spirit.

- Give me my coffee.
- There, I said it.

- (SIGHS)
- (PHONE CHIMES)

- Please.
- Oh, Speak of the devil,

here is your fake husband now.

Aw, Will is inviting you
to hang out tonight.

- No.
- (TYPING)

- "That sounds like fun."
- What are you doing?

- "Let's do it."
- Uh, no.

Can you stop typing?

I'm not going on a date tonight!

"Any way I could bring
my friend Mari..."

- Wha...
- "...and her fiancé?

Just realised we had plans.
Could be a fun double date."

- Exclamation point.
- No, no!

- We do not...
- Send.

I don't have plans with her.
Come here, you little...

I don't have plans with Mari.

Exactly, and she's getting resentful.

This way, you knock out
two birds with one stone

while using Mari and James
as a buffer. You're welcome.

Okay, fine. Fine.

But you agented me, and agents
do not like being agented.

BRANDON: Too bad.
And I should be an agent.

- What?
- You heard me, loud and clear.

So, you think you got what it takes
to be a good sports agent. Really?

What do... what do
you know about sports?

- BRANDON: Oh, basically everything!
- Oh, please.

BRANDON: I'll bet you didn't know
that Tom Brady,

the 199th pick of
the 2000 NFL draft,

has more playoff
touchdown passes, 68,

than number-one picks David Carr, 65,
and Tim Couch, 64,

had in their entire careers.

- I knew that.
- Oh, yeah?

And do you know what happened
on June 25, 2009?

Michael Jackson passed.
Ha!

True.
And tragic.

But it was also the day
that Steph Curry was selected

as the seventh overall pick
in the 2009 NBA draft

by the Golden State Warriors,

with a contract totalling
$12.7 million over four years.

Isn't that great?

You know sports trivia.
That's beautiful.

But it takes more
to being an agent.

You have to know
how to handle people, sweetie.

BRANDON: Oh, you mean like when I stopped
you from handing Rafael Nadal

a passed appetiser with ham in it
because I read in his autobiography

that he hates ham, cheese,
storms, and animals?

- Okurrr!
- Mm.

Oops, sorry.
Did that slip out?

Ooh. Someone's in a mood.

(CHUCKLES) Oh! I have a pick-me-up.

You have a secret admirer.

Oh, please. You are just trying
to change the subject,

- and it is not going to work.
- Mm-mmm.

- BRANDON: Okay, tell me who it is.
- (LAUGHS)

Well, apparently, Puppy Dog
Danny wasn't crushing on me.

It's you he wants to mount.

Ooh, there he is.

How big you think Shaq's dick is?

(SNICKERS)
Yeah, he's closeted, honey.

And he wants to pound
on your booty cheeks.

I don't know why.
But there you have it.

(R&B PLAYING)

Ohh! Ho-ho!

You suck so bad.

You look like you had
a seizure, girl.

You can just pick up the ball
and drop it in the hole next time.

Really? You know,
both of y'all can shut up.

Nice shot, baby.

Bam!

Hey, can I get some
more limes, please?

Sure.

Here you go,
keep the change.

- Thanks.
- That's right.

JAMES: Man, look at that ass!

I should tap that
before the wedding.

Shit, or after.

- You up, Ali.
- Mm-hmm.

- Excuse me.
- Go ahead.

- (JAMES GROANS)
- MARI: Oh!

- Shit!
- Ali!

What the fuck?
Those are his nuts!

Which are getting married
to me Saturday,

- and I want them in good shape.
- JAMES: Both balls, honey.

- Both of 'em?
- Yeah.

JAMES: Man, why is Mari
even friends with Ali?

She only gives a shit
about herself anyways.

Always flaking.

Only reason she's here tonight
is to show off her new guy.

What he wearing anyway?
Tight-ass jeans.

- Uh, are you having fun?
- Yeah.

- Work hard, play hard, right?
- ALI: Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh. (CHUCKLES)

- Anyone need anything else?
- No, we're good, thanks.

- Nice shot.
- Thanks.

Well, look at you,
impressing all the ladies.

Her? (SCOFFS)

Whatever.

WILL: Why would I waste
a second on her

when I got you standing
right here in front of me?

Um...

You know what?

Why don't you show me
how to play?

'Cause I suck. (CHUCKLES)

- I would love to.
- Okay.

And to be clear, if I'm
putting my arms around you,

if I'm holding your hips,

it's just to get
your pool shot right.

- You're being professional.
- Just strictly professional.

You know,
I just care about my job.

- Okay, come on. (LAUGHS)
- I'm good at my job.

("GOLDEN" PLAYING)

(SONG CONTINUES)

- WILL: Ah.
- ALI: Whoo!

WILL: Oh, okay, okay.
Slow down. Slow... Wait.

- Slow down, girl. This isn't a rodeo.
- ALI: Ah!

(WILL LAUGHS)

Yeah... Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Easy with the balls!

Easy with the balls.
They're attached to me.

Why are her eyes always closed?
Am I that ugly?

- (ALI MOANS)
- Oh, what the...

WILL: Damn, her eyes opened,
but she look crazy as hell.

They were better closed.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa...

God, easy on the balls.

What's up?
You okay?

Just admit it.
This wasn't going so good.

What?

No, it was, it was, it was...

It was cool.

Okay, look.
How about...

How about we try something
a little different tonight?

Uh, like what?

Like how about we call a truce?

Nobody is in control.
We'll just...

you know, we share a little bit.

Can you share?

- Yeah.
- Okay, okay...

Hey... share, share.

Share.

- Yeah, that's right.
- Okay.

(SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALI LAUGHS)

(BOTH PANTING)

(ALI BREATHES SHAKILY)

(GASPS)

(BOTH QUIET)

How was that?

It was phenomenal!

It was like you were in my head.

You knew everything that I wanted.

Girl, I feel like I just ran half a
marathon. I need some electrolytes.

- You want some electrolytes?
- No... (LAUGHS)

I don't smoke or nothin' after sex,
but I'm gonna get me some Gatorade.

- You want some Gatorade?
- No.

- I got flavours. Oh, okay. All right.
- I am good. I'm straight.

WILL: Ali, bomaye! Ali, bomaye!
Ali, bomaye!

Shit, yeah.

She the greatest of all time.
Thank you, Lord Jesus.

- Ali, bomaye!
- Yes!

(PHONE CHIMES)

Will and Ben are here.
They're on their way up.

I want to know something.

What do you see in
that gin jockey?

I mean, you're successful,
beautiful,

and he's a single parent
with no career.

Did you say "gin jockey"?

Yes, I said "gin jockey."

He is a businessman, okay?

He's saving his money
so he can open his own bar.

Like your gym.
Look, just please be nice.

Be nice? I am nice.
I'm nice as shit.

"Gin jockey"?
Where do you find these things?

- Come here, Dad. Hey!
- Hey.

- Dad, I need you to meet Will and Ben.
- Hi.

- Nice to meet you, sir.
- Welcome, welcome.

SKIP:
I'll give it three months.

She'll chew him up
and spit him out.

Hey, did you introduce yourself?

Hi, I'm Ben.
It's nice to meet you.

Wait, wait, wait.

WILL: So, tomorrow.
Big signing day, huh?

Yep.

No worries about, you know,
crazy Joe changing his mind

or Jamal trying to stay in school?

Nah, I have a pretty good gauge
on that situation.

So I think I know what's
on Jamal's mind.

I'm sure you do.

But, you know,
knowing what's on a man's mind

is not the same as
what's in his heart.

Well, isn't it the same thing?
To get paid and get laid?

Wait. You really think
that's what men want?

- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.

- That's messed up.
- Well...

Have you ever even trusted a man?

She trusts me.

Okay. Well, see...

I think that men and women just want
the same thing at the end of the day.

They want to be with
somebody they trust.

To be respected, appreciated, and...

and just to feel safe.

So you believe men and women
want the same thing?

As a bartender,
I've learned to sit back and listen.

Eventually,
you learn how people really feel.

Good to know.

WILL:
Wow, she is really beautiful.

SKIP: So, now that we know
what men and women want,

- the question is what do boys want?
- (CHUCKLES)

Got any gift ideas
for your birthday, Ben?

My dad works real hard,

so I try not to make
a big deal out of it.

It's mostly just about me
and him hanging out.

- (WILL CHUCKLES)
- Us, too.

Do you know that Ali grew up
without a mom?

SKIP: I think about
that woman every day.

And it still hurts.

You know, Ben, I imagine your dad
had to work extra hard

to raise a kid as kind as you.

Thank you, Skip.

I think you can appreciate it
more than most.

To fatherhood.

WOMAN: You did it!

- You guys day drinking? I'm in.
- BRANDON: Oh, hey.

Yeah. Let me just grab two more glasses.
I'll be right back.

Did you figure out who you're gonna draft,
Roethlisberger or Brady?

I think I'm gonna go with Brady,

but my friend Duncan said
he's gonna get Roethlisberger,

and we can swap any time we want.

BRANDON: God, he's beautiful.
And he loves fantasy football?

DANNY: What kind of league is that?

Do you have to wear
a weird T-shirt or some shit?

DANNY: It sounds nice.
And he plays fantasy football?

He's perfect.

Hey, you know what?
Why don't you two play together?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, I... I would love that.

You know, you can't pick...

BRANDON: Do you take this man to be
your lawfully wedded husband?

He's got it all! Uh!

Okay, you know what?
I have to get a lot of work done

before Will comes here
to take me to lunch, so...

Hey, did you see?
Joe Dolla called a press conference.

- What?
- JOE: (ON TV) That's right.

I'm telling you, when it come to him,
he look just like me.

This is my son.

Matter of fact, we gonna withdraw
from the NBA draft right now.

I'ma take Jamal's gifts
to the great nation of China.

Ni hao! Holla!

MAN: (ON TV) What about all that talk
of playing for your hometown, Jamal?

What can I say?
You know, situation changed.

MAN 2: (ON TV) What kind of money
are the Chinese offering?

Our new concierge agent,
Ethan Fowler,

he gonna answer that.

- Money Man! Tell 'em wassup.
- ETHAN: (ON TV) Yep.

Hey there, ladies and gentlemen.
Ethan Fowler.

Our good friends in China
are currently offering

three times the rookie
NBA deal, okay?

MAN 3: (ON TV) Does this mean you've signed
with Summit Worldwide?

I'll actually answer that one.
Uh...

I've currently left Summit

to focus exclusively all my time
and energy on one client.

He cut, he sliced
his rates in half.

- Yeah, I know.
- In half!

I mean, come on, ten percent...
that is highway robbery.

(PHONES RINGING IN DISTANCE)

Everybody out.

Out! Get out!

Ali. You stay.

Uh, I'm sure that China deal
is not closed.

We can still save this.

(CHUCKLES)

We can save this.
(CHUCKLES)

Five-percent commission. Wow.

Not only did you blow this signing,

you gave Ethan the idea

that could very well fuck our
business model completely.

Okay, this is not all my fault.

I mean, if I didn't think I'd get
crucified by all those MeToo-ers,

I'd fire your ass today.

Oh, so you're saying you're not
firing me because I'm a woman.

No.
Not just that.

Oh.

So, you're not firing me
because I'm a black woman.

No. No, no.
I didn't say that.

Because that'd be racist and sexist.

Hell, no.
I am not your twofer.

I dare you to fire me.

My clients will follow
me out that door.

(SNICKERS)
You keep on dreaming that dream.

- Nick, please...
- Nope, not happening.

- WILL: There she goes.
- Hey.

- Hey, girl, ready for lunch?
- Yeah.

I can wait downstairs
if that's better.

- Okay.
- Oh, great. You know what?

You can stop pretending.
Okay, Will?

If that's even your name.

Actually, I'm glad this
charade can finally end.

Sorry, "charade"?
What's he talking about?

- Nick, please, don't...
- You two.

Pretending that y'all are married

to impress that
fucking fraud Joe Dolla!

Well, you know what?
It didn't work.

Mr. Family Man, huh?

Okay, whoo.
This is a big misunderstanding.

So wait, wait, hold up.

That's why you really
invited us to the game?

- No.
- Not to make up for the fact

that you accused me of cheating
on my dead wife with you?

No.

Please, it is very complicated.

- Just let me talk to you alone.
- About... About what?

About what? How you used my son,
my child, as a prop?

Just...

- Please.
- Please stay away from us.

Please.

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS)

These powers have ruined my life.

I would like to return them.

Or whatever you do with powers.

Well, if I can be real,

I finished off the Haitian tea,
drunk it all myself.

- And...
- The only voices I heard

were Joan Rivers and Tupac.

And they did not get along.

(SIGHS) My God, this is a disaster.

(CLICKS TONGUE) Mm.
Maybe you looking at it the wrong way.

With power comes a responsibility
to tell the truth.

Have you been telling the truth?

You need to let
the spirit guide you.

(MYSTICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALI EXHALES)

- The spirit.
- Yeah.

Spirit.

(CHATTERING)

Yikes. Hey, maybe we, uh, take it
easy on the drinky-drink there.

Ceremony's about to start
and you're in it, okay?

No, no, no.
I need a cranberry vodka

because I'm feeling the spirit,
Brandon.

- Uh-huh.
- I have words, they need saying.

As a matter of fact,
everybody in here

needs a big,
steaming mug of hot tea.

Oh, or maybe everybody just
sticks with water, you know...

No. No, no, no. How about you go
get that vodka cran like I said, baby.

- Uh-huh.
- Trusty assistant. Go.

Hm.

MAN: And Christ said,
"A man shall leave his mother and father

and cleave to his wife,

so that they are no more twain..."

MAN 1: Check out that tasty
Oreo bridesmaid sandwich.

MAN 2: I can't believe how long
this Viagra's lasting!

MAN 3: Can't believe I'm missing
the game for this shit.

MAN 4: Did I leave my
keys on my desk?

MAN 5: ♪ Cotton-eyed Joe I'd been
married a long time ago ♪

♪ Where did you come from?
Where did you go? ♪

MAN 6: Oh, man. This suit's
giving me a swamp ass.

MAN 7: I love the word "Toledo."
To-le-do.

MAN 8: Can't believe I said
"I love you" to the delivery guy.

JAMES: Look at Gabby's tits
just hanging out.

Haven't tapped that fine ass
since Mari was in Boston last May.

Might need to get
that again soon though.

Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom
have written their own vows.

- James?
- Yes, sir.

When I met you on that sun-dappled
June afternoon

- at the Waffle House...
- (WHISPERS) He said, "dappled".

...and you put that whole bottle
of hot sauce on your two-piece...

I knew right then there'd
never be another woman for me.

Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.

- I'm so, so sorry.
- What the hell?

I... have something I gotta say.

What are you doing?

Girl, I am letting
the spirit move me.

Huh?

ALI: I...

I've been given a gift.

Possibly by God.

Possibly by a low-rent, hair-styling,
weed-dealing psychic. But...

I can hear men's thoughts.

(BRANDON CLEARS THROAT)

Ali, why don't you just come
sit down here with me for a minute?

Uh, Brandon, back up.

Back up.

I'm just saying,
as your friend...

You... are not my friend.

You are my assistant, though.

And right now you're
not assisting me,

you're interrupting my message!

So I need you to sit down
and shut the fuck up!

(CROWD CLAMOURING)

Hallelujah.

You're on your own.

Excuse me.

MAN: Thank... Thank you.

- Thank you for sharing that with us.
- ALI: And...

because of my gift,

James, I know you are not worthy
of my friend, Mari.

JAMES: What are you talking about?

And you need to know,
before you jump the broom,

that he slept with your
cousin Gabby last May.

(ALL GASPING)

- What?
- While you were in Boston, girl.

That... That never happened.
That never, never happened.

I am so sorry, Mari.
He said you were on a break.

(ALL GASPING)

Is this true?

Everybody lying right now.

- Mari!
- ALI: Whoo! He deserved that! Amen!

- Bring it over here.
- Oh! Baby, hold on.

Ali, cut it out.
This is not the time or the place.

Well, Ciarra, you have problems
in your own house.

Don't throw no stones,
living in a glass house.

Excuse me? My house is fine.
In fact, it's locked down.

Okay? I think you're
just a little jealous

because we're all married.

I have always felt that way.

- Are you ser... Really?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

So look at yourself.

Well, your husband has been
getting his thing sucked,

- on the down-low, by his golf buddy Louis.
- (CROWD CLAMOURING)

I have always felt that way.

- CIARRA: He what?
- MAN: You've lost your mind.

I would never.
That's disgusting!

It wasn't when you were
sucking on my dick!

- (CROWD EXCLAIMS)
- Oh, Lord, not in the church!

WOMAN: Hallelujah! A testimony!

You kissed me with dick
on your lips?

- Oh, hell, no!
- Whoo!

- (SHOUTING)
- (ALL CLAMOURING)

That's my brother.
Hold Terence.

Oh, no!

- Oh, yeah!
- MAN: Everyone...

- Don't you take that! Don't you...
- (RIPPING)

Oh, yeah!

- Oh, really?
- My hair!

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

- Eat it! Eat the wig!
- Just grow up.

WOMAN: Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Bitch!

Stay back!

(METAL CLANGS)

Oh, oh.

Well, hello.
Welcome back.

I'd just like to say...

since your last visit,
I went to detox

and I got my life back on track.

So, thank you.

That's it?

That's what?

I don't hear anything.

No sound?

- No sound?
- No, no, no, I hear that. I just...

I... I don't hear
your inner thoughts.

That's a good thing, trust me.

Okay, so, um, great,
I guess I can go.

- Ah, well...
- Where my peeps at?

Ali, you can leave anytime,

but, um, there's no one here for you.

Oh.

(EXHALES)

Guess I'll get myself home.

(SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYING)

(FOOTSTEPS POUNDING ON TREADMILL)

- NICK: So let's just stay in...
- You hear me?

- ...your lane.
- SKIP: You got you.

WILL: About what, how you used
my son, my child, as a prop?

We share a little bit.
Can you share?

BRANDON: I believe
you are a good person.

KEVIN: It's not like you have
a lot of friends here.

WILL:
Work hard, play hard, right?

KEVIN: Constantly throwing the first
punch, and you got you and no one else.

SKIP: That bartender get
back to you yet?

No.

And I don't blame him,
the shit I pulled. (SCOFFS)

I just wanted to win, you know?

I let it get away from me.

(CHUCKLES) No, no, no.
That's on me.

When your mom took off,
I didn't trust anyone.

And... I put that all on you.

I'm sorry if I...

taught you some wrong lessons.

I wanted you to toughen up,
because I was so scared.

I didn't want you to be scared, too.

Dad...

you did an amazing job.

- An excellent job.
- (CHUCKLES)

No. This is all on me, okay?

I messed everything up.

And now I got to put
my big-girl drawers on and fix it.

You know, there's things
that we probably need to learn.

When to lower our fist.

There's so many beautiful things that...

we don't see because our hands are...

in front of our face.

(SIGHS)

(SKIP CHUCKLES)

Thanks, Dad.

You're the best. (GIGGLES)

You know, I don't really need
to check with Ali on that one.

Serena Williams is not gonna do
local TV ads for a mattress store.

But thank you for your interests.

You're here.

Yeah. Danny said it would
be better to look for work

while I still have a job.

So, I'm looking for work.

Which I'm sure you already heard.

I don't have the power anymore.

I can't hear men's voices.

So, I just told you all
of that for no reason.

Wow, I just cannot win.

Hey! Still the best part of my day.

Wait, are you two...

Playing fantasy football together?

Yes, we are.

(CHUCKLES) That's great.

Can I talk to you in my office?

Please?

Have a seat.

Listen, Brandon.

I'm sorry about that bullshit

about you not being cut out
to be an agent.

I would've told you anything
to keep you on my desk,

because I needed you.

And you're a better friend
than I deserve.

You... That's...
You're apologising.

Yes.

- To me.
- Mm-hmm.

Wow.

I did not see that coming.

It's not a promotion or a raise,
but it is definitely something.

Okay, well,
you get a raise effective today.

And will until you
find something better.

And a promotion, TBD.

I don't even know
if I still work here.

Have you heard anything?

Well, thank you.

Oh, God, I just wish
I had gotten out of my own head

and gotten to know Jamal
instead of try to sell him.

I just wish I'd listened to him.

All right, you have got
to be psychic or something.

What you got over there?

Um, just a little Chinese food
to celebrate your success.

Well, I guess I'll be
eating a lot of it then.

You happy?

What do you think?

Let me see that.

I don't know.

I'm not even gonna
pretend to know.

- Whoo-hoo!
- Okay. Look at you.

What can I say?
My dad wanted a boy. (LAUGHS)

Yeah, well, you don't even
have to tell me about dads.

You know, mine is, uh, unique.

That is very true.

Dad took me out to this court
when I was five.

And he would not let me leave
until I sank three in a row.

And it got us here.

I know it sounds corny,

but I want to win a championship
and celebrate here.

With the people I grew up with.

That's my dream.

I get it.

Give me that.

You're gonna have a lot
of people coming at you

with all sorts of advice
from here on out.

You know that, right?

Right. But you're the one
I should listen to, right?

No. The only person
you should listen to is you.

Because you're the only person
who knows what you really want.

Forget your head.
What's in your heart?

(CHATTERING)

MARI: Just fuck him.
I'm done.

I always sensed that he was
a skeezy motherfucker.

But you know what?
I was on that marriage train

and I didn't want to get off.

Just fucking stupid.

When that woman leaped
onto the stage

and ripped out your hair...

I almost put down my phone
and said something.

- How is that helping us?
- Not... Oh, twelve o'clock.

Hi.

- (SCOFFS) No. No.
- No. No. No.

Nope, nope, nope, nope.

Let them grieve.

You know, by the grace of God,
my marriage is still intact.

It was stronger than
theirs to begin with.

But it is still intact,
because my husband wasn't there.

- What the fuck?
- All right?

But I am devastated for
the two of them. Devastated.

- You ruined their lives!
- Um, look, I'm...

I know you guys probably hate me
for what I pulled.

I am so sorry, okay?

I really want to
make it up to you.

Look, I did what I did
because I love you, okay?

Not because I'm jealous.

I want what's best for all of you,

and I'm not gonna
let you marry a skeezer

and I'm not gonna stand by and not
tell you about your down-low husband.

I'm sorry.
I'm a friend, not an enabler.

That was some
freaky-ass shit you pulled.

You could hear men's thoughts.

And you didn't tell us,
your girls?

- Yeah, what the fuck?
- We should've been the first to know.

MARI: We could've helped you out!

- OLIVIA: That's good information.
- Look...

I know I've been a shitty friend.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yes.

- Very shitty.
- Terrible.

Very shitty friend.

And that is Jesus
speaking through me.

I mean, like skid-mark- in-the-drawers
shitty-ass friend.

I'm about to write poetry about it,
just to express my rage.

Well, that's a good thing.

- OLIVIA: Boo-Boo Shitty Kitty.
- MARI: Shit on top of shit.

- Sorry.
- CIARRA: One star on Yelp.

- MARI: Shitty Shitty Bang Bang Ali.
- OLIVIA: "Knock, knock."

- "Who's there?" "Ali, and I'm shitty."
- MARI: The shitty friend.

- OLIVIA: Yeah, the shitty friend.
- Okay. All right, I deserve that.

I deserve it all.

But I want to make that up
to you too, okay?

I promise to prioritise
my life better.

You mean more to me,
and I should treat you as such.

Because I really do love you
and I need you in my life, okay?

All right. Margarita Mondays on me.
Shit.

Forever?

Mm-hmm.

- I'm about to get fired.
- I don't care.

OLIVIA: I say if she wants
to pay for Margarita Mondays,

let's let her do it.

That's my cheat day
and you're gonna pay.

- ALI: Okay.
- OLIVIA: You will pay.

- Thank you.
- Okay, let's toast.

- We need to make a toast.
- Give it to her!

- We need to make a toast, come on.
- (OLIVIA STAMMERING)

We'll toast, we'll toast.
We'll get some more.

To my three best friends.

- Yes!
- Cheers!

(NBA ON ESPN THEME PLAYING)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
This is the 2018 NBA Draft,

and commissioner Adam Silver is
about to step to the microphone.

(APPLAUSE)

Good evening,
and welcome to the NBA Draft.

These young men here tonight
represent the future of our sport.

With the first pick
in the 2018 NBA Draft,

the Atlanta Hawks select...

- Jamal Barry from Georgia Tech.
- (CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

- Thanks for making this happen.
- So proud of you.

(CHEERING)

(INDISTINCT)

Hey, hey, there she is!

The worst thing to happen
to US-China relations

since Richard Nixon shot
and ate a panda.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Joe, I really want
you on my team, okay?

How about we work together

to make sure Jamal
has an amazing career.

How about that?

- I like you.
- Thanks.

- See Jamal? That's my dude.
- Mm-hmm.

And you know dudes.

Well, that's the first time
I've heard that.

(ALI LAUGHS)

NICK:
Well, first order of business.

I guess we can all see that
Ethan has re-joined the team.

And we have dropped our lawsuit
accordingly.

ETHAN: Listen, guys,
that unfortunate China incident

was brought on, if you can believe it,
by clear braces. Uh...

Excessive salivation led to
dehydration, exhaustion, and stress.

You know. But I'm great now.
(SLURPS)

Happy to be back.

NICK: Ethan's no longer a partner.

And he'll be subject to a
yearly probationary review.

Now, with that being said,

seems like we have a
partner slot that has opened.

Or shall I say... "had."

I think we all know
what this is.

And I think we all know
who deserves it.

LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR OUR NEWEST PARTNER:

Ali Davis.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

(UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING)

(MEN HOOTING)

Wow. Thanks. Thanks.

Thanks so much, Nick.

For so many years,
all I ever wanted

was to be a part
of this boys club.

It's all I ever wanted.

And...

I don't want to be
a part of your club anymore.

No, from now on, my self-worth

is not going to come
from a man's approval.

No.

I am going to compete and win

on my own terms, not yours.

So, I'm opening my own agency.

- (ALI LAUGHS)
- (CLAMOURING)

I'm sorry, what's happening here?

Oh, calm down, Nick.
Have a Fiji.

I will come after
your clients hard!

Calm your nuts!

Look, you do very well in your lane, Nick.
So, stay in it.

Oh, and, uh,
my partner is going to be...

Uh!

- What? Wait, bro. No way!
- (MEN CLAMOURING)

I'm with her.

Okay, so on that note, we're out.

Um, and we would like
to wish you the best

in all of your future endeavours,

i.e., go fuck yourself.

And kiss my black ass.

Let's go.

Hey, Nick.

Oh, there's one more box
at the front desk.

I'm gonna go grab it.

Okay.

The two of you are so cute together,
it's sickening.

Well, it's all thanks to you.

And I guess a little bit thanks
to that weird Sister lady.

Okay. Uh, so, all I need to know
now is where you'd like me

to make a reservation
for you and the other agents

to celebrate the new firm.

I took care of that. I made reservations
for three at Pricci at 8:00.

- You made a reservation?
- Mm-hmm.

So, you, Kevin, who's the third?

Oh, um...

Our new agent.

Um, you actually know this guy.

He's cute, he's short,
about your height, wears your glasses.

Yeah, he's gonna make
one hell of an agent.

I'm gonna be a...
You're making me a...

I'm just gonna take a second
and try to read your mind

and see if you're fucking with me,
which would be unbelievably cruel. But...

I think you're being serious.
Is this for real?

Yes, and it's long overdue.

Permission to pick you up
and spin you around?

I think I'm gonna regret this,
but okay.

(HIGH-PITCHED) Ah! Thank you so much!
Thank you, thank you!

Okay, wait a minute!
Hold on! Put me down.

Listen, listen, listen.

- Agents don't speak in that high tone.
- Hey!

Hey, what'd I miss?
What happened?

- Ali's making me an agent.
- Yeah.

That's so hot, bro.

- Stop!
- Oh!

(BOTH SHOUTING)

Oh, my God. Congrats.

Yeah, that's what's up.

- Yeah.
- Feel me. That's what's up, man.

Dope!

ALI: Ooh, yes! Damn.

That's what's up.

All right, who wants more cupcakes?

Me! Me! Me!

Wait, wait, wait.
One at a time.

Um, uh... Bridget, would you...

Birthday cake delivery for Ben.

- Ali, you remembered.
- Yes.

- That's a sports Turbo S.
- It is.

Maybe you can take a ride
in a real one someday.

Uh, Shonda, would you mind
taking the...

- Good to see you.
- Come with me, Ben.

SHONDA: Come on, kids. Cake outside.

Can we talk?

I'm so sorry to show up
unannounced like this,

but I promised Ben
a birthday cake

and I wanted to honour
that promise.

And now I'll go.

Thank you.

But you do know that one grand gesture
doesn't just rewrite history.

Will, that night I met you...

I was afraid that
everything that I wanted

was being taken from me.

I've been there.

I was angry, and I disrespected you,
and that was wrong.

You see, I never...

considered what a man wants
or how he feels,

just as long as I won.

But what I've learned is that...

winning really doesn't matter
if you're a horrible person.

And you taught me that.

And I want to thank you
from the bottom of my heart.

Cool.

Cool.

Look, I know a lot has changed,

and so fast,

but, um... I would really like
a second chance.

And I understand if you say no.

- It's your third chance.
- Third? Oh, third.

It's... it's your third chance.

Shit, third. Okay, well...
(CHUCKLES)

I like to believe three's a charm.

But I totally respect...

- your decision.
- I, uh...

(SCOFFS)

Okay. Okay.

But on one condition.

Look, I need to know
everything you're thinking.

- Everything. The truth.
- Oh!

No matter how hard.

Negotiation.

That's something I promise you
I'm really good at.

Oh, don't you worry.
You ain't getting off easy.

- (GIGGLES)
- Oh, you're not. (CHUCKLES)

I'm taking Ben to the park after this.
Hang out.

BEN: When you were my age,
what did you want to be?

Mm, I wanted to be a boxer,
believe it or not.

- Interesting.
- (ALI LAUGHS)

Which do you like better,

Porsche Turbo S or a used Subaru?

Uh, I would have to say a Porsche.

- Well, at least until my lease is up.
- WILL: Uh-huh.

- BEN: Makes sense.
- ALI: Yeah.

- (WILL GROANS)
- (ALI LAUGHS)

WILL: So, what are you thinking
of calling your new agency?

ALI: I'm thinking
Davis Athletics Management.

WILL: You do know,
abbreviated, that's DAM.

Like D-A-M. DAM.

- ALI: That's right.
- So you do know.

ALI: When people call,
I want the receptionist to say,

"DAM. How can I help you?"

- WILL: Aw, shit.
- ALI: No, that's "Aw, DAM."

("THINK" PLAYING)

Hold this with me.

Someone else is here with us.

Who is it?

- Mari.
- Yeah?

Mari, it's me.

Who is it?

Why did you do this to me, Mari?

Why didn't you mind your own
fucking business, Mari?

You put me behind bars
and I killed myself, Mari!

- Oh, shit.
- You're a fucking bitch, and I hate you!

Mm. Mm.

You're having some difficulties.

Don't beat me in the head
with that mystical bullshit.

You ain't no psychic.
I just came to buy some weed.

Well, why didn't you say something?

I thought you knew.

Nigga, how much you need?

Before you start, I just want to say
I'm allergic to tea. So...

Ha.

Not TJ Maxx. (LAUGHS)

'Cause I've seen that robe there.

(SONG CONTINUES)

You're gonna rot in hell, Mari!

I don't want to go to hell.

- You're a fucking bitch, Mari!
- (SCREAMS)

You're a fucking bitch!

- Mari, you're a fucking...
- Okay!

No, no. Go like that.

I feel like maybe
I need more nail.

No, like that.

Are you watching what I'm doing?

Who is your pastor?

I don't like to actually
go into church.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- So I watch it on the television.

Who's ever on when I wake up.

(SONG CONTINUES)

- Are those prescription glasses?
- Oh, boy.

Now, I'ma tell you one more time.

Look, you can't use
your privilege in here.

People who want to become
proficient in the fashion world,

they purchase gnomes.

- You see that?
- A gnome? Great.

You need to get that gnome.

Don't put it next to any kind
of costume jewellery.

Because it cancels it out completely.

So everything you have on,

you need to put that
on the other side of the home.

Well, I mean...

I just have so many gifts.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- And it's hard to hone in on one.

But you know where...
I think I know what that gift really is.

- What, what, what?
- Okay.

- Women's...
- Women's...

- empowerment...
- empowerment...

- coaching, speaking,
- coaching, speaking,

- and comedy.
- and comedy?

- Get out of here!
- Baby, yes.

We are right here.

I'm also seeing that you having
some trouble with your penis.

What? Nah, nah,
that was cleared up years ago.

I'm sorry, it was upside-down.

- This is not your penis.
- Oh.

That's your nose.

That's a six. These are three
sixes in a row. You see?

- Ah!
- Mm-hmm.

That's, uh... that's the devil.

- That's the devil.
- All right.

You're the devil.

When I first saw you,

I did not want to say it
in front of the other girls,

but there's something
more special about you.

- Yes. Yes!
- Mm-hmm.

You're amazing,
and there's something about you

that is better than
everything that I've seen.

- Stay in my life forever.
- Let me tell you something.

Listen. I can put you in my book.

We can meet once
a week and do this.

I'd have to pay you.

- Oh, don't, don't.
- I would have to pay you.

- I insist on paying you.
- No, I don't. No.

I would like to prepay
ten sessions in advance.

- Cash only.
- Okay.

(SONG ENDS)