All language subtitles for FUBAR - 01x04 - Armed & Dane-gerous.NF.WEBRip.x264-WDYM+CAKES+ION10+PSA+RARBG.English.HI.C.updated.Addic7ed.com

[dramatic music playing]

I said, who do you work for?

Be cool, Nik.

Impulsivity never works for anyone.

Move!

Whoa there. You can't go all Liam Neeson.

- You're gonna put Emma and you in danger.
- [grunts]

- [sighs] Come on. Hey, buddy.
- [car starts]

Best thing you can do...

is just let me leave.

- You'll never see me again.
- Hey, what are you doing?

I'm getting dressed.

Your hand's shaking 'cause you're nervous.

You're nervous
because you know you're screwed.

I'm the one with the gun.

[Emma] You're a pencil pusher.

Do you know how to get rid of a dead body
without getting caught?

Can you explain to your comrades
how I got in here and stole state secrets?

All after you approved the trip
that got Dr. Novac kidnapped.

Oh, Nicky.

At best, you're fired, at worst...

you're dead.

[engine revs]

[tires screeching]

- [guard] Stop!
- [body thuds]

[door opens, closes]

Emma.

What are you doing here?

Saving you.

What about the guard?

- He feels a little run-down.
- [car approaching]

- [tires screeching]
- [distant sirens blaring]

Get in. Moldo po-po are on the way.

I need your wallet and your gun.

Shake your money loser, old man.

Here we go.

[uptempo instrumental music playing]

[tires screeching]

[all cheering]

[all laughing]

- [Aldon] Mm-mm.
- [Luke] Mm.

- [Roo] Mm.
- [phone chimes]

[exhales]

Tina just intercepted
Moldovan police transmissions.

They found the guard,
no wallet, no weapon.

They're gonna treat the whole incident
as a robbery gone wrong.

Boro has no idea we have his to-do list.

We'll know his next move soon enough.

Bring it in, guys. Come on.

- Let's go.
- Boom.

- Hey, you sure you don't wanna partake?
- I'm good, thanks.

All right, well,
maybe we, uh, grab a drink another time.

I won't have to get punched in the face,
and you won't have to wear hooker shoes.

Yeah, maybe. As friends.

- The Drakkar Noir stays home.
- [Aldon] Okay.

And of course as friends, obviously.

Ew. You think I wanna be
more than friends with you? [laughs]

You're... You're ugly.

Anyway, you did great tonight.

Nik never stood a chance.

[chuckles]

So you are competent
at hiding your true self, Phony Stark.

Tina has no idea you're a nerd boy.

You know,
unless she looks at you for too long.

Yeah, but I might've
looked at her too long.

Her eyes are like the tractor beam
from Star Wars,

just pulls me in.

[Roo] She's there, isn't she?

All right, next move.

Tell her you're getting a late bite
and invite her to go along.

If she goes, that's a good sign,

and if not, no harm, no foul.

Don't you wuss out on me.

- [Emma] Hey.
- [exhales]

Mom texted. She wants us
to come over ASAP. Didn't say why.

[Luke] Okay.

You should not have unilaterally
disconnected the comms.

You put yourself
and the entire team in danger.

Okay, I... I guess, but

I couldn't exactly do what I had to do
with an audience that included my dad.

It's kind of gross.

Very much so.

And I shouldn't have rushed up
to the dormitory like that.

Protocol calls for Roo and Aldon
to first secure the perimeter,

and then I move in.

If we continue working together like this...

I have to get it through my head that, uh,

you're not anymore the little girl
that I always see in front of me.

You're now a really fantastic operative.

I mean, you had a gun to your head today,
and you walked out alive.

I'm so proud of you,

and you should be proud of yourself.

[slow instrumental music playing]

Then why do I feel so bad?

[sighs]

Don't give Carter a gift.

Because if you give him a gift
for no reason, it screams of infidelity.

And if you smell from cologne,

then just come up with an excuse,

like there's some crazy guy
in the office that is a hugger.

Always smelling like a fresh shower
is more suspicious,

and so is leaving the room
answering your texts.

And never feel bad... about doing your job.

Plus... [scoffs]

...you didn't cheat on Carter.

All the times I did whatever it took
to get the job done,

but I never was unfaithful to your mother.

- You said you never had an affair.
- I didn't.

An affair is a connection of the heart.

Your mother owned my heart
from the time we met.

When I needed to, I did my job,

and today, you did yours.

The job destroyed you and Mom.

But it's what I'm best at.
I love it like you loved it.

But I saw what it did to you guys,
to all of us.

I can't be with Carter and do this job.

[sighs]

What the hell is this?

This does not look good.

[doors close]

[Emma chuckles]

It's not Valentine's Day.

[Emma] Hi, Mom.

Hi, Tally.

- [Carter] Ha!
- [gasps]

- Hi there, Emma.
- [Emma] Hi.

- Hi.
- [Carter] So this... this is for you.

Carter, this is... this is way too nice
an instrument.

That... It's expensive.

- What the hell is going on?
- Shh. Wait. Wait.

I've been saving for it
since our first date

when you told me it was your dream
to own a Raffaele Carmalini, so...

- You remember that?
- Of course.

I... remember everything
about the night that my life changed.

I remember that you said
you never wanted a diamond,

so...

[Carter breathes deeply]

Oh shit.

It's a violin string.

[Carter] Yeah.

[exhales]

Uh, Emma Brunner, will you marry me?

Yes. [chuckles]

[Carter] Yes! Yeah, good.

[Emma] I...

- [Carter clears throat]
- [Emma chuckles]

[uptempo rhythmic music playing]

[Tally chuckles, exhales]

[birds squawking]

Boy, we... we are really far out, aren't we?

You know when you said you wanted
to show me the boat,

I thought you meant the marina, not a...

It's not a boat. It's a ship.

Right, okay.

Hey, what does somebody do
if you get stranded out here? [chuckles]

Die.

What were you thinking
when you were proposing to Emma

without my blessing?

Well, um, you know, sir,

um, I guess I just always felt that was
kind of an old and outdated notion,

treating women like chattel
to be kept or given away.

So you're saying I'm old and outdated?

No. No, not... not at all what I meant.

I guess I just...
I... I wanted to be respectful to Emma.

What if you would have asked me
and I would have said no?

I love Emma... with all my heart...

so, with all due respect, Mr. Brunner,

I'd marry her
with or without your permission.

Good answer.

[exhales]

Now get me a beer.

Yeah, you got it.

[gentle piano music playing]

What?

You don't like lobster?

Perhaps, you prefer
to have your dessert before dinner.

We have arcimboldo,

a fresh fruit aspic with edible primrose.

I had it made special.

Oh, speaking of flowers,

did you notice the dog roses,

the national flower
of your homeland of Moldova?

[sighs] Speaking of which,

when can I go home?

[chuckles] Oh.

Make no mistake,

you are home,

for as long as it takes
for you to spin my proverbial straw

into nuclear gold.

So where are we?

Okay.

The cesium waste you obtained will work,

but its nuclear capacity
has been significantly diminished.

So to revive those components,

a small controlled nuclear reaction
is necessary...

Tell me what you need.

An MNR.

[splutters] A miniature nuclear reactor.

Fine.

- I'll get you one.
- No, no. You don't understand.

It's not something
you just find on the street.

I found you on the street.

You worry about the science.

Let me worry about
getting you what you need.

There's a seven-figure painting
in your room.

I know people
who are very good at acquiring things

when... the price is right.

[bass guitar music playing]

Emma's gonna have
the most attention on her,

but everyone has got to have
their role down pat.

Working true names helps.

Aldon C. Reese
will just spread his charisma everywhere.

And HPV.

- [clears throat] That was never confirmed.
- Oh sweet.

Ocean's 8 in the house.

I am finally wearing something cool.

Come on.
Disguises knows I can't wear these.

Sir? Are you sure I should be on this op?

I've never done anything like this before.
I don't wanna mess it up.

She should definitely be there, right?

[Luke] You're gonna be fine, Tina.

The more of us we have,
the better we can sell Emma's cover.

And let's not forget,

we're dealing with people
that can smell the bullshit a mile away.

They even caught me in lies before.

- Mom?
- Oh no, let your work friends eat first.

But set aside some for Oscar and his brood
for when Romi's feeling a bit better.

Okay.

Why bother? No crunchies.

Come on.

It's so nice to finally meet
some of Emma's coworkers.

I'm her supervisor.

She's a solid B-plus.

Still looking for that second gear
we know is in there somewhere. [chuckles]

[chuckling]

- So good to put a face to you, Carter.
- Yeah?

Everyone at work's been wondering

about the kind of man
that could take Emma off the market.

[Carter] Yeah, that's...
That's quite a grip you got there.

[Aldon] You can tell a lot about a man
from his handshake.

- Yeah, I can tell you love handshakes.
- [laughs]

Emma, the more your fiancé
talks to our people,

the greater the chance we get caught.

Yeah, I'm already on it.

Is that gonna be the extent
of our conversation today?

- You giving me orders?
- Meaning?

Meaning you haven't said more than
a few words to me since the proposal.

[scoffs] Well, what's the point?

I mean, I do the talking,
you pretend like you're listening,

then you're going off
doing something stupid,

like saying yes to a guy
with a fiddle and a string ring.

I mean, what were you thinking?

I'm thinking I'm done
with this conversation.

[sighs]

[Emma] Sorry, I'm gonna steal away
the groom.

Can you believe it?

Our baby's getting married.

There's a ton of things
I can't believe about this engagement.

Oh, come on. I've had a rough few days.

This engagement is the only thing
that's made me happy.

What's so rough?

[exhales] I quit my job.

[Luke] Oh.

[Tally] And I got into HR to help people
when they get pregnant or injured,

not to convince them to accept
crap severance packages.

Sweetheart, why don't you work for me?

[Tally] What?

My bad.

- I can't. That's crazy.
- Barry and I, we're always traveling.

We need someone
to keep up with the inventory,

to take care of the phones.

Someone that we can trust.

But you're retiring soon, right?

Well, that would take a year
to unwind the company.

In the meantime,
Barry needs someone to keep the books.

Well, I am kind of over HR,

and I did sales after college.

It won't get weird?

We're never there.

Try part-time, please.

I really need you there.

[chuckles]

Okay, why not?

If it's okay with Barry.

[chuckles] A-okay.

[Luke] There you have it. [laughs]

[Tally] Great.

Grazie, grazie!

I'm gonna go tell Donnie.

- Oh yeah.
- Yes.

Are you out of your Vulcan mind?

It was a great idea.

How am I supposed to provide strategic
support with Tally ten feet away from me?

How am I supposed to do my job?

Well, when she's at Merry Fitness,
you work out of HQ.

But the best thing about it is,
every minute she's working for us,

it's one minute away from Don...

[Donnie] Luke!

My man! [laughs]

Donnie, my wife's boyfriend.

[Barry] Mm-hm.

Like the end of Back to the Future II,
all of this to be continued.

- [chuckles]
- Tally told me the news,

and I just wanna say,
I know what you're doing.

I hired a top employee.

I mean, I'm so excited about this.

I'm sure you are. That's not what I meant.

I know you're trying to win her back,
and it's not gonna work.

Actually, it's already working.

[Carter] Mm-hm. Mm.

- I'm so glad you said yes.
- Of course I did.

- It's gonna be great.
- [chuckles]

- It's the right decision.
- Yeah, okay.

[speaking Swahili]

- [in English] What?
- It's "be with me, my darling" in Swahili.

Just go with it.

Okay. Whoa, what are you...
What are you doing?

Everybody's right there.

- What is...
- Right there, I know.

[doorbell rings]

- It's dangerous.
- Yeah.

- It's kind of exciting.
- Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

[speaking Swahili]

[in English]
They've been working together for years.

Oh, so you're a gym equipment salesman?

- Mm-hm.
- See if you practice what you preach.

Oh! That's very impressive.

[Barry and Tina chuckle]

I practice what I preacher curls.

[laughing]

It's hot in here. Are you hot?

- I...
- The thermostat must not be working.

- [Tally] No, it's working...
- I have a question about ellipticals.

- [Tally] Oh, he's the man.
- Oh great.

Will you excuse us?

- [Tally] Sure, no problem.
- Oh, thank you.

All right.

Why are you wearing
this Garanimals-ass shirt?

I specifically told you
not to look or act like you.

This is Matter-Homme,

a French-Canadian superhero who can bend
the laws of physics to his will.

Number one law of physics:

no one who quotes
laws of physics gets laid.

There. I just airdropped you
recon on Tina.

Online purchases,
Spotify playlists, Netflix history.

It turns out
she has a nostalgia erection for the '70s.

Sucks for you
because men back then were men.

Steve McQueen, Paul Newman,

and you ain't them.

I don't know, we grabbed
late-night tacos the other day,

and she just complimented my muscles.

It's 'cause we're undercover.

You think she's really interested
in your linguini arms?

You've gotta recruit her
like a foreign asset.

Step one, spot.

You spotted a woman
who caused blood flow to your down low.

Great. Two, assess for vulnerabilities.

She talks to you, so she's clearly lame.
That's a vulnerability.

Three, develop.
The best way to develop a relationship

is to learn about everything she's into,
hence the file.

Four, recruit.
Get her to go on a real date with you.

And five, handle.

You wanna handle her bing bongs,
and you want her to handle your nuggets.

For that to happen, cover your shame
and do your homework.

[Aldon exhales]

[Aldon] So Carter's parents.

Oh, thank you. [chuckles]

So tell me, how did
you two very special people meet, huh?

Oh, well, I was working
at Morgan and May in New York.

- Partner track by 30.
- [chuckles]

And at our corporate retreat,

there was a yoga session
taught by none other than...

Me. It was me.

I would have never guessed.

Ford change my life.

He taught me that
the rat race is for rats.

And we're humans, part of the human race.

[Ford] And we should help our fellow man.

- Yes.
- That's why we developed this.

Coochie Coo.

Unisex, pain-free bikini wax.

- Take a sample.
- Okay.

- [Aldon grunts]
- [Ford] Now with CBD.

Luke, don't be shy.

We're family now.

- We have a saying at Coochie Coo.
- [woman] It's nice.

Mm.

There's nothing to lose but unwanted hair.

[sighs] And your dignity.

- [laughing] Watch this guy.
- [woman laughs]

He's a pistol.

What is it with their names anyway?

[Luke] Ford? Carter?

Weren't they some of the worst presidents
we've ever had?

Not to mention the Perlmutter men.
I mean, they're lady-killers.

They kill the ambition
of smart and talented women.

That's so unfair.

I mean, look at his wife.

I mean, she started out
as a Wall Street mogul,

and then she ended up
as a crack-wax woman.

You know, where they wax down below?

I don't want that for you.

I don't want your future
to be controlled by...

By anyone but you?

Thank you.

He doesn't seem to understand

that I can make my own decisions
about my own life.

[laughing]

I've been telling her for years
that Carter is the wrong guy.

We had a wonderful conversation
on the airplane.

We communicated,
just like you recommended.

She even said to me
that she preferred the CIA over Carter.

- That...
- An hour later, they were engaged.

I mean, this is insanity.

[exhales]

Emma, it's a hard choice.

Work over love.
Do you feel split?

The CIA version of you

and the version
the rest of the world sees?

Did CIA Emma speak the truth about Carter,

but once you were inside
your parents' house,

back into the role of perfect daughter,

you did what everyone expected
you would do.

You said yes.

'Cause you don't want to hurt Carter.
You don't want to disappoint your mother.

No. I'm in complete control of my life.

I love Carter, and I realized I was wrong,

and I am going to make this work.

You can't. Look what happened
to your mother and to me.

I'm not gonna prioritize work
over my marriage the way you did.

A marriage that is doomed to fail.

- No...
- Okay, guys, let's hit the pause button.

We're doing these sessions
so you can work together more effectively,

but you can't do that
if we can't communicate.

But I have something that just might help.

That's supposed to be us?

Pretty good likenesses, right?

Those are like
Sesame Street-quality Muppets.

Mm-hm. Courtesy of the US taxpayer.

Since the only thing
you both want to hear right now

is the sound of your own voices,

we're going to try this again.

But you're going to speak
with each other's voices.

Yeah, uh, I don't think
this is gonna be a good idea.

[imitating Emma] My daddy is a fossil.
He knows nothing about anything.

I mean, because he was born before 1992.

So he should shut up
and let me ruin my life.

You're playing a dangerous game, old man.

That doesn't sound like Luke.

[imitating Luke] I'm Luke Brunner.

I ruined my own marriage,
but I'm the expert on everyone else's.

I have muscles,

so that means I know everything.

And I'm from Austria,

where life is hard
and everything costs a nickel.

[imitating Emma]
You know what costs more than a nickel?

Gymnastics classes and orthodontists,

and a wedding I know is a big mistake,

but my Daddy has to pay for it anyway.

[imitating Luke]
The only thing I can't lift is my own ego

'cause it's so big.

[imitating Emma] I've been lying
to my parents my whole entire life,

but I pretend to be an angel. [chuckles]

[in normal voice]
You see the hostility, Dr. Pepper?

- [in normal voice] Oh, I'm hostile?
- Brunners, please!

[phone rings]

Oh, looks like Dot needs you.

- [Emma scoffs]
- [Luke] Yeah, okay.

You see? That's what I'm talking about.

[door closes]

[sighs]

Thanks for trying your best.

[imitating Luke]
Sorry I called you Dr. Pepper.

The Army Corps of Engineers
has analyzed Dr. Novac's research

and determined that
everything that Boro needs

to turn his nuclear waste slurry
into a bomb

is readily available.

Save for one item, an MNR.

Miniature nuclear reactor.

Fortunately, MNRs
are rare and highly regulated,

used by only a handful of private
industries and research institutions.

Few years back,

a medical glass manufacturer
in Duluth went bankrupt.

They abandoned their processing plant

and left the MNR in the basement.

Local cops found it a few months later,

upon discovering
that kids had snuck in there

and were using it as backstop
for their stickball game.

- Oh!
- [Dot] Fortunately, the NRC confiscated it

before anyone got hurt.

So... the MNR is bait.

We lure Boro into meeting with us

then we grab him
and hold onto him like an Alabama tick.

Okay, great, but how are we gonna
get in contact with him,

let alone meet him?

He's been on high alert since Kazakhstan.

He'll only meet with someone
he knows and trusts,

and someone he thinks
could get their hands on an MNR.

Then, of course,
it has to be someone we trust too.

She's right.

[tense music playing]

We need the Great Dane.

Yes. Yes!

I love the Dane. [claps, laughs]

- Good idea.
- No, no way.

- No, no, no.
- [Aldon] Yes.

Who's the Great Dane?

He's the best at what he does,
and what he does is what we need.

[Aldon] Also he's just a chill guy,

very laissez-faire,
totally que será, será.

All about the c'est la vie.

He has cornered the market
on cool foreign phrases.

No, no, no!

You're gonna love him.

I'll have our people
look into his whereabouts,

but you all need to be prepared
to move fast on this.

[Roo groans]

[Aldon laughs]

[door opens]

Hello. Welcome to Merry Fitness,

where being in shape
never takes a holiday.

You work here?

I thought it was just
the Schnitzel King and his sidekick.

I'm new.

Anything I can help you with?

What, you don't recognize
your biggest competitors? [chuckles]

We're the co-owners and titular twins
of Twinning Formula Fitness Supply.

Right, right. I've seen your commercials.

You don't look like twins.

Shawn's still on his fitness journey.
It's okay, buddy.

[spluttering] Of course. I just meant,
well, I've never seen you in the ads.

Shawn's a behind-the-scenes kind of guy.

I'm the face of the outfit,
but he does the books.

Which is how I know there's no way
that Merry Shitness is outselling us,

and that those "awards" back there...

are bogus.

We're the exclusive distributor to all
Planet Fitness in the Eastern Seaboard.

We eat, sleep, and breathe
Twinning Formula

and still somehow lose all regional
sales awards to, uh, Merry Fitness.

I don't think so.

Those accoulements should be ours.

- Those what?
- Accoulements.

When you get credit
for doing a good job. Come on.

Are you combining
"accolades" and "accoutrements"?

Look, you're new,

so you might not know what the guys
who own this place are up to.

Show us your books.
We keep it our secret, huh?

How about I show you the door...

or I call the police?

Let's go.

You just made very powerful enemies
in the fitness supply industry.

[door opens]

[door closes]

Hey now.
Come on, quit sulking over the Dane.

Is he really that bad?

- [Barry] Honestly, he is a solid guy.
- [Aldon] Mm-hm.

[Barry] As solid as
a black-market middleman can be.

He doesn't sell weapons
and always holds up his end of the deal.

In the '90s, he smuggled
100,000 Beanie Babies into Russia

in the hay bales of the Moscow circus.

I heard he strapped waterproof bags
of microchips to migrating sea turtles

to get them from Cancun to Halifax.

Ever seen the Mona Lisa?

- Yes.
- Nope.

You haven't because it's hanging
in a sheikh's bedroom in Dubai,

thanks to the GD.

The son of a bitch shot my toe off.

- Oh shit!
- [Barry gags]

Oh God. I'm eating.

I'm gonna have nightmares. [groans]

[Emma gags, wretches]

Wait.

Does your stump... Does it have a toenail?

The doctors call it spontaneous regrowth.

My niece calls it monster foot.

I sent a picture to Ripley's,
they chose "not,"

said it looked like a buffalo cauliflower.

Flip-flops are a pipe dream.

There's nothing to hold 'em in place.

They're just flop-flops.

[Aldon] Well, sorry.

[chuckles]
Big mission overrules little piggy.

[huffs]

Good news, we've located the Great Dane.

Bad news, he's in a Turkish prison
under an assumed name,

two years into a four-year stint.

The State Department's
doing what they can,

but the Turkish government
has no reason to do us any favors.

Good. Got what he deserved.
Moving on to plan B.

[Dot] No plan B.

He's our only option,

so we have to break him out.

Polat penitentiary.

Intel tells us there's a visual head count
every morning at dawn.

So once we extract the Great Dane,

we need to meet with Boro
before the next count.

If our pal is identified as missing,

Europol will push his mug shot

to every police force
on the continent within minutes.

Fake name or not, the Great Dane
is very distinctive looking.

[Emma] It won't take Boro long

to figure out that the guy selling him
an MNR is supposed to be incarcerated.

He'll know it's a setup
then we're back to square one.

The other problem is
we can't leave the cell empty.

End of the day, guards collect
all the meal trays to prevent vermin.

If a tray isn't pushed through the slot
in the bottom of the door,

then the guards will enter, and then...

They find out that our man is gone.

Once again, the word goes out

and Boro will figure it all out
that it's a setup.

So someone has to stay in the cell
to push out the tray.

[grunts]

[Dot] Roo, Aldon, we need you at the meet.

Closest you've come to Boro
is shooting at him from a helicopter

from 100 feet up in Guyana.

He doesn't know your faces,

so you'll act as associates
of the Great Dane and provide backup.

Luke, Emma, you know Boro best.

You need to be there
in case things go sideways.

You know how he thinks, how he'll react.

Why don't you get Salazar?
He just did a prison job in Cameroon.

[Dot] On an op.

So is Finelli, Jackson,
McMahon, Chang, Roland...

We are stretched thin,

and I need you on a plane ASAP.

I'll do it.

I'll go in.

[dramatic music playing]

What?

- Why not?
- Uncle Barry, it's not safe.

[Luke] You have a heart condition,
and you're ill-equipped to do the job.

[Roo] Wait, why can't Barry do it?

I mean, he hung from that helicopter too,
saved you and Princess.

His job now is basically
sitting in a room all day.

I mean, that's what this is.

[Dot] I like it.

Dane's savvy enough
to stay out of prison once we spring him,

but he also knows
that if he's caught escaping,

the punishment's death.

He will only jump the wall
with someone he trusts,

and he's worked with Barry before.

- Director, I don't think that...
- It's settled.

Barry goes to prison. Wheels up in 35.

This is a bad idea.

So trying to be a macho '70s guy for Tina?

Well, that was the idea.

- Thanks for sticking up for me.
- Don't thank me.

This goes wrong,
you're cell block prom queen.

Hey, Aldon, I wanna talk to you
about the engagement party.

The prolonged eye contact
and the inappropriate touching.

I didn't go near Emma at the party.

Not talking about Emma. Carter.

I saw you staring him down,

and your handshake
was five seconds too long.

If you would've been a meerkat,

you'd have pissed all over him
to show your dominance.

And don't deny it.

I did exactly the same thing
trying to win my wife back from Donatello.

Ex-wife.

Don't push me.

Luke, I like Emma.

She's smart, she's gutsy.

But that's it. It's just "like."

And if you believe I would get between
two people that are about to get married,

it's good to know
you think so little of me.

[rock music builds, ends]

Well, the reactor's still secure.
It's all good.

[phone ringing]

Excuse me.

How is my employee of the month?

[Tally] I'm good. I'm good.

It's been pretty quiet.

Except, um,
the Twinning Formula guys came by.

The guys from the TV commercial?

Yeah, they were complaining
about your sales awards.

They wanted to see your books.

Oh, they're just jealous.

I mean, wait until they find out

all my new deals with Planet Fitness.

We're selling a bunch
of Pilates machines to them.

Matter of fact,
I'm prepping now for the meeting,

so if you don't mind,
I'll call you back later.

[Tally] Yeah, of course. [chuckles]

It's funny though.

Twinning Formula said they had
an exclusive contract with Planet Fitness.

[Luke] Well... [scoffs]

...it's not a done deal, believe me.

Remember, 90% of the sales
is all positive thinking, all right?

I gotta go now.

Bye.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

Bye.

[phone beeps]

[sighs]

[Luke] I'm sorry.

Must be really weird for you
to listen to me lie to your mother.

It's the job.

[Luke] Yeah.

But it doesn't have to be your job.

I mean, if you really want
to get married to Carter,

you should think about maybe a desk job,

or doing logistics or something like that.

I'm telling you,
it'd be much better for both of you.

So if you could go back
and do things differently, you would?

Yeah, I don't believe that.

[man] Minute out. Prepare for jump.

[Roo exhales forcefully]

Barry, why are you still sitting there?

- How could you let me agree to do this?
- Then why would you volunteer?

Oh, little Miss NSA
turns Barry's junk into a zipper-ripper.

Ooh, attaboy.

Whenever you like somebody,
you start getting all nervous,

and then you do stupid things.

Easy, you don't want
your last words to Barry to be mean.

- Last words?
- Uncle Barry, come here. Just...

Look, if you really don't wanna
go do this, I can take your place.

- Yeah?
- Please.

It's okay. You're good.

Go.

No! Get me out of this!

- Good old bait and switch.
- I didn't see that coming.

- I did.
- Relax.

Think of it like a BabyBjörn, huh?

I mean, I carried Emma
around in it all the time

and I only dropped her once.

You seem to have dropped me a lot.

- [Luke] Good.
- Good.

- Just relax.
- [Barry] No!

- Go! Showtime!
- No, no, no, no! [screaming]

Wow.

Well, that was undignified.

All right, comms in.

Tina, uh, drop team's a go.
You got eyes on them.

Copy that. They're descending
at 195 kilometers per hour, on target.

How'd Barry seem?

[Roo] Raring to go.

I'm just worried he won't fit
in the prison ductwork

because of his giant balls.

[Barry whimpering]

[dramatic music playing]

[screaming]

[Luke grunts]

Harness off, comm in.

Copy that, Tina?

Puppy's in the pound.

Sorry, I... I hope I'm not overstepping.

I've heard you and Barry do that,
and I just wanted to try.

[Luke] Pumpkin in a pie.

Okay.

[Tina] Looking at blueprints.

There should be a round vent
with a domed fan grate.

[Barry grunts]

There's a drop of about eight feet,

then the shaft turns horizontal.

Remind me why you can't do this?

Because your skinny, malnourished body
will squeeze through it like cookie dough.

Be safe.

[Barry grunts, yells]

- [Tina] You good?
- Uh-huh.

You've been out of the duct work
for about 20 yards.

You should be coming up
on another short drop.

[Barry screams]

[body thuds]

[groans]

That wasn't that short.

[groaning]

[Tina] Hang in there.
Keep your eyes on the prize.

Everything's gonna be all right.

You know it's not that bad

when you think of it
as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Congrats, you're there.

[dramatic music playing]

[bricks scraping]

[Barry] Hey, GD.

How you been?

It is so good to see you.
You look fantastic.

- Thank you.
- Right off the bat. Fit as a biscuit.

- Thank you.
- Oh God.

- Well, you look great too.
- Oh stop. Don't even do that to me.

- I have put on some.
- Stand right here.

Look at those shoulders.

Yeah, well, I know. I've been working
a little bit on my upper.

I was feeling
so bad about myself in prison

that I just kind of fed that
with food, you know?

They say no sugar and carbs, then what do
they serve you? Sugar and carbs.

Is that a beacon?

And an industrial bungee cord,

and a hook, and very soon a plane.

- Okay.
- [plane approaching]

All right. And expect a little yank, okay?

A little yank. Got it.
Wait, what... [screams]

So how are the new digs?

Prison-y.

Found the Dane's contraband under the bed.

Anything we should requisition?

[Barry] Just a few magazines
and a bottle of White Lotus by Liz DuVray.

- Hm.
- And a box of Reggie! bars. [chuckles]

They haven't made these things since 1980.

I guess the Dane really can get anything.

[banging at door]

[door slot opens]

Gotta go.

[Roo] Don't screw it up, sweet cheeks.

[Tina] No issues with the tray?

Tina.

Hey.

I dropped us into a private channel

so we don't have to hear
Luke and Emma go at it.

I heard them screaming at each other
through Dr. Pepper's wall.

Yeah, they got more issues
than Sports Illustrated.

[Tina chuckles]

Well, if you need anything, I'm here.

Well...

I could use some company.

Then I'm not going anywhere.

Oh my God! [laughs]

- Hello.
- I thought you were Danish.

[Great Dane] I am, yeah.

I went to boarding school in Andover.
I'm fluent in English, Danish,

and 'cause it's in Andover, Massachusetts,
Moron,

'cause everyone
from Massachusetts is like,

"Tom Brady must have a huge hog,"

or however they sound. [chuckles]

What's up, dude? [laughing]

[in Danish]
You're the sweetest Danish in the world.

[in English] Come on. You're nuts.

[in Danish] I should dunk you in coffee.

[in English] You're nuts. You're nuts.

- [Roo] Hug this, creep.
- Oh!

- [Emma] Oh god.
- God, that is... vile.

I have not seen anything that bad
in a... in a long time,

and I have been in a Turkish prison
for two years.

- What happened to your toe?
- What happened to my toe?

You shot it off on the Borneo job.

- Right. Right.
- It was you.

When my gun misfired.

[splutters] I don't like using guns.

It's why I was handing her the gun.
Technically you shot your own toe off.

[spluttering] And I feel horrible.

Worse than someone
with nine toes and ten toenails?

Roo, holster your four-shooter.

Hey, Dane, we have an offer for you.

We want you to sell something
to Boro Polonia.

And in exchange, you'll stay free,

and you get to see the son
you've never met before.

What do you say?

Wow.
It's the only time I got sloppy, ever.

I was rushing home
'cause Gertrude was in labor.

I got caught at the border
with fake passports and contraband.

It was just, you know, amateur hour.

But... being free to me would mean
meeting my son for the first time.

- I am in.
- [Aldon laughs]

- Okay.
- [Aldon] Yeah, baby.

- That's the Dane.
- [Luke] You're the man.

[dance music playing on TV]

[scoffs]

[man on TV] Do you hate the beach,

because instead of a hot body,
you've got a not body?

Twinning Formula Fitness Supply

outfits not only the finest hotels,
spas and resorts...

[speaking Spanish]

[sighs]

[uptempo instrumental music playing]

[line ringing]

Hello. This is Tally Brunner
from Merry Fitness.

Yes, I see your hotels purchased
26 of our machines last year,

and I just, uh,

I wanted to make sure
they were all working okay.

[woman] Oh, that is so sweet.

Well, uh, I'll have to reach out
to the branch managers individually,

but our main office
hasn't heard any complaints.

But I surely do appreciate the follow-up.

And if you ever need to call again,

you just ask for Tammy Parsons.

[Tally] Okay, thank you.

- Hm.
- Bye now.

[line disconnects]

[phone dialing]

This is McKinnon. Is home office aware
that Officer Luke Brunner's ex-wife

is employed at his cover?

Yeah, well she is. She just called me.

[phone beeping]

This could be a problem.

[in Scottish accent]
Off-kilter CrossFit. This is Fiona.

[dramatic music playing]

- I did a sweep. The place is clean.
- Belts and suspenders.

Please. This is about Diana.

[Emma] Who's Diana?

[Aldon] Um...

[hammering continues]

A few years ago,
I was stationed in Greece,

and I had a very passionate fling

with a beautiful NIS officer named Diana,

but, uh, we had to break it off.

- Two-boink rule.
- Two-boink rule.

What is the two-boink rule?

Any CIA officer

engaged in more than
two close or continued contacts

with a foreign national

has to report the relationship.

I mean, it's...
it's like a lot of paperwork.

And Diana was crushed.

She became obsessed with me.
I don't blame her.

A lot of women become obsessed with me.

But I can tell you, this safe house
has Diana written all over it.

Vase of dianthus flowers.

There's a fridge full
of my favorite Greek beer.

Dianthus flowers
are everywhere in the Mediterranean,

and your favorite beer
happens to be the most popular in Greece.

Uh, narcissism much?

Then why is this safe house
directly across the street

from the same flea-ridden motel

where Diane and I
made sweaty Grecian love for 12 hours?

[Great Dane] Twelve hours?

I thought you said
you were only allowed to do it twice.

- [gun slide racks]
- [Luke] Can we just focus?

We have a limited amount of time left
to complete this mission.

If we screw up, then Boro stays at large,

and Barry becomes our new prison pen pal.

- So is the place clean or not?
- I already said it was.

Well then, let's get to work.

You make the call to Boro
and make the meeting as early as possible.

Yeah, just gotta dip into my address book.

You have a bad-guy address book?

My clients... use a secure phone service

that changes their number every three days

based on an algorithm
that works off the date.

Only me and a few very other
important people know said algorithm.

I like math.

That's great, but no way.

If the secret of the algorithm gets out,

then I'm out of a job,
and then I can't afford diapers.

And you need them,
'cause you're a big stupid baby.

So the code is entered, and now we wait.

Hopefully not too long.

Two-boink rule, huh?

You know, in Denmark they give you four.

- [Aldon] Come on.
- Mm-hm.

Scandinavians.

Hey, could I maybe take this opportunity
to grab a shower

and change into some civilian duds?

I'm just, um, I reek of Turkish prison.

- Hey, just focus, okay?
- Yep.

- [phone rings]
- Oh hey, here we go. Hello?

[Boro] Great Dane.

Where have you been hiding, you wild man?

[tense music playing]

I am in Greece. Aloha.

Anyway,
I have a, uh, miniature nuclear reactor

that I've heard you are looking for.

Always with your finger on the pulse.

That's why I love you.

[Great Dane] That's why everyone loves me.

Uh, it's unanimous across the board.

I've never met one person
that doesn't love me.

Anyway, I got your MNR.

If you can meet me within the next
ten hours by the Turkish border,

my going rate on this is five million.

[Boro] That's more than fair.

I'll need to put a lot together
in a short window.

Say, 7:00 a.m.

That sounds... That's perfect. Thank you.

[Boro] I'll be in touch with a location
that works for me.

You always come through, GD.

We'll speak soon.

[music intensifies]

[music ends]

[Barry] I know I'm supposed to say
The Conversation,

but give me Play Misty for Me
any day of the week.

[Tina] Oh my God,
Eastwood is so great in that movie.

You are literally naming all my favorites.
[chuckles]

[man screaming]

[ominous music playing]

[breathes heavily]

You... You hear that scream?

- [screaming continues]
- [Tina] Yeah, uh... you hanging in there?

Honest?

I'm terrified... of tight spaces,

damp spaces, dark spaces,

locked spaces.

I did this for you.

Uh... For me?

[Barry] You know,
as the newbie on the team,

I wanted to impress you
as your more senior operative.

Barry... you didn't need to throw yourself
in prison to impress me.

You're a top CIA handler
with a case record that I'd kill for.

Not to mention smart, funny,

sweet.

You're gonna be fine.

Just... pretend I'm there with you, okay?

Okay.

Tina?

Thanks.

[Luke] Up and in. [grunts]

[Emma groans] Shit.

[phone vibrates]

- [phone vibrates]
- [Emma sighs]

Schatzel, I don't want to get into
another argument with you,

but that is just one of a million
future denied calls.

One of a million lies
that you have to tell Carter.

Can this wait till after we're done
transporting a nuclear device?

Well, Dr. Pepper said
we should communicate,

and I'm trying to communicate to you

that I believe you're entering a marriage
that is totally based on deception.

It's a big, big mistake.

You're gonna regret it,
and Carter is gonna regret it.

When Carter finds out the truth,
he will be devastated.

You should have heard him
when he talked about you on the Tally-Ho.

I mean, he loves you.

- Why was Carter on the boat?
- It's not a boat. It's a ship.

And we just went out on a... casual cruise,

you know, to talk a bit,
get to know each other.

And... I just asked him

why he didn't ask me
for permission to marry you.

What?

Why would he have to ask?

You don't own me.

I'm not something you give away.

That's exactly what Carter said.

- Oh my God.
- You know, that makes sense to me.

And I agree with both of you.

And I found that he is a really good man,

but he's just not the right man for you.

Not with the kind of life that you live.

That's not the point.

Come to me if you wanna talk about this.

Not that it's any of your business,

but I don't know if I am gonna marry him,
or not marry him. I...

I just don't know,
but can't I get a minute to think about it

- without you telling me what to do?
- [door closes]

[tires screeching]

[engine revs]

You know,
we really shouldn't be working together.

We are totally fluffed.

[uptempo instrumental music playing]

I want a complete rundown of all
the criminal activities in this area.

Stolen-car rings,
joyride convictions, chop shops,

anything that you can find, now.

Tina, get in touch with DOD,
make them run an RDS sweep.

Any radiation could come from our reactor.

- Yes sir.
- Our MNR has uranium-237 in it.

Home in on that signature,
and we can probably get pretty close.

Guys, I've been thinking.

- This could be Diana's work.
- [groans]

We can't deliver a reactor to Boro
that we don't have,

so we must postpone the meeting.

Well I... Boro's gonna be suspicious
of a last-minute change.

I don't know what to tell him.

Just say you were transporting
a bio agent for a client in Cyprus,

but one of your guys got sick,
so you think there could be a leak.

You're monitoring symptoms with a doctor,

but you're waiting on a test
to see if you're contaminated,

or if the symptoms you're experiencing
are just psychosomatic.

Just buy us some time.

A million future lies, huh?

Think I'm gonna be okay.

[music ends]

I was just following up
about your needs this quarter.

And please let me know
if I have the right number.

The one on your invoice
just rang and rang,

so I just called the one
on your hotel's website.

Thank you.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Of course.

[ominous music playing]

I'll come right now.

[music builds, ends]

- He pushed the meet. Thirty minutes.
- That's it?

He doesn't care that you could be
starting the next contagion?

He said take two aspirin and get my pale
Dutch ass down there as fast as I could.

Said he pulled a lot of favors
and dealt with a ton of logistics

to set up the transfer of an MNR
over international borders,

and he was actually quite rude about it.

Maybe you should shoot his toe off.

I don't know about this.
There's too many variables.

By the time we find the reactor,
if we ever can find it,

there's the early morning prison count,
and Barry's gonna be in deep shit.

I'm gonna make the call here.

I think we should pull the plug
on the whole thing

and get Barry out of prison.

Luke, no.

There are over 900 prisoners in here,
and inspection is randomized every day.

Chances are they won't get to my cell

by the time you find the reactor,
meet with Boro, and come get me.

I appreciate that, but enough is enough.

You don't stop Boro,
that nuke could kill millions.

The needs of many
outweigh the needs of the few.

Finally you're talking like a man.

That was Spock
from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

Hurry up and get me out of here.

This is more complicated than I imagined.
I'm getting a little queasy.

Yeah. Yeah, you don't look so good.

Here. It's over here.

Just splash some water on your face
or something.

Right there.

We're not leaving Uncle Barry
in prison, right?

[Luke] Of course not.

As far as we know,
his cell will be the first one inspected.

We got to get Barry out of prison.

No man-child left behind.

But if Uncle Barry's out
and his cell is empty,

word could get back to Boro
before we're done with him.

We break our word with the Dane
and put the Dane back in prison.

I just got a boner.

Roo will be in charge
of swapping Dane for Barry

while we're searching for the reactor.

How will we meet with Boro
if we don't have the Dane?

We pivot. You pose
as one of the Dane's consiglieres.

A Copenhagen consigliere?

90% of what we needed the Dane for

was to set up the meet,
which has been done.

So long as Boro shows and doesn't
catch wind of the Dane's escape,

I think we can pull this off.

- I'll have your back.
- It's the only choice we have.

I can't wait to break the news to him.

Break it off, Dane. We gotta talk.

[Luke knocking] Dane?

Dane!

[Luke grunts]

[dramatic music playing]

I really hate that goofy asshole.

[closing theme playing]

[closing theme ends]