All language subtitles for the.marvelous.mrs.maisel.s02e05.720p.web.h264-skgtv

Oy, my ass.

I'm gonna be carsick.

We're here, Shirley.
Your moment's passed.

- Can I help you, Mr. Maisel?
- Head towards the trunk.

- Yes, sir.
- The trunk. The trunk.

May I take your coat,
Mrs. Maisel?

- What? No.
- Yes, ma'am.

It's 200 degrees outside, Shirl.

- I'm fine.
- Front seat?

She's got our silver
sewn into the lining.

- Don't tell them.
- Follow me.

- Yes, sir.
- Careful with that.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Well, hello there.

- Did you have a nice trip?
- Yes.

- Take this.
- Shirley, I need the keys.

- Okay, watch it, watch it.
- The keys. The keys.

I've got it.

What are you doing?
Where are you going?

- I'm getting the keys.
- He's getting the keys. Leave him alone.

- Do these go, too?
- Of course.

And the roasting pan.
Where's the roasting pan?

The entire Catskills is
a roasting pan.

- My God, the heat.
- It is terrible.

- Here. How you doing?
- Thank you.

- Relaxed?
- Yes.

Taking it easy in your old age?

- I'll take these back...
- Here we go.

- Don't drop them.
- Don't drop anything.

They're dropping them.
Oh, that's dropped.

I think I left the iron on.

No, you didn't leave
the iron on.

Now, give these free clothes
to all the workers.

- You understand?
- Yes, sir.

- Did I leave the iron on?
- You didn't leave the iron on.

Maisel and Roth gave them
all those brand-new,

slightly damaged but
perfectly good free clothes.

Yes, that's why we don't tip.

You don't tell
people that, Shirley.

Well, people wonder.
An explanation never hurts.

Attention, Steinerites,

Moishe and Shirley Maisel
have arrived.

I repeat, they have arrived.

But what about the lounge
at the Concord?

- Any day for the rest of August.
- Who is this broad?

The next big thing.
Trust me, you won't be sorry.

I'm always sorry.
Concord's booked.

To continue this call,
please insert 30 cents.

Shit. Hold on.

- Mel, you still there?
- I'm still here.

What about the small stage
at Kutshers?

- I heard you had an opening there.
- From who?

Who cares?
You got it or not?

To continue this call,
insert another 30 cents.

- I just gave you 30 cents.
- Please insert 30 cents.

- I just... Shit!
- 30 cents for the next minute.

Can you hold on
a fuckin' minute?!

- Me?
- No.

- There. Choke on it.
- Me?

No, the bitch operator.

I don't appreciate
that kind of language, sir.

- I'm on a business call, lady.
- That's not much of an apology.

- Get off the phone.
- That will be another 30 cents, please.

You can't just randomly charge
me money because you're mad.

- Oh, can't I?
- Susie, I have a business to run.

- I can't sit here all day.
- What about Kutshers?

Hello? Shit!

Hello?

You still owe 30...

- Hi there.
- Uh, hi.

I'm Chester.

- Not a surprise.
- Who are you?

- No one.
- Right.

I'll call you Brenda.

I know what you're
doing, Brenda.

- What am I doing?
- The plunger, brilliant.

I wish I'd thought of that.

- Hey, look, pal, I just work here.
- Right.

- Me, too.
- I do.

I do, too.

Look at this.
Look at me.

Do I look like I'm on vacation?

No, you don't.

Okay, then.

I've been hanging around
this resort

for seven years,
and this is the first time

I've ever encountered
a like-minded person.

We are not like-minded.

I know you, you know me.

I don't fucking know you.

We're kind of linked now,
aren't we?

- No.
- Crisscross, crisscross.

- Go away.
- You're right.

It's probably best we don't
exchange names, Brenda.

- Your name is Chester.
- Is it?

Okay, I have to
get away from you.

- God, we are so much alike.
- We are nothing alike.

- Crisscross.
- What are you...

Crisscross.
Crisscross.

♪ Let's sing a song
about Susie ♪

♪ That pretty little
witty little Susie ♪

♪ With the big brown eyes
and the turned-up nose... ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Simon Says.

You know the rules.
I'm Simon, I says.

- Okay? We're ready?
- We're ready.

Simon says you touch your nose.
Simon says you touch your toes.

Simon says touch your nose,
touch your toes. Ha!

I didn't say "Simon says."

- Oh...
- Simon says bend your knees.

- Simon says straighten...
- Adam, how did you get out?

This isn't for you.
This is grown-up time.

Simon says bark like a dog.

Simon says stop barking.
Simon says right arm up.

Simon says left arm up.

Simon says right arm down,
left arm down. Ah.

- I didn't say...
- Simon says.

I know, I know.

See you on the other side.

Simon says run in a circle.

Simon says stop.

Simon says run in
a circle backwards.

Simon says stop.
Simon says

jump up and down on one foot.

I'm gonna grab a sandwich.

Mm. Delicious.
Okay, stop.

- Ha.
- Fuck!

I think I pulled my...
I snagged my...

Who else saw a bird?

If you're out,
get off the floor.

Yeah, I said it.

Simon says shake your tokus.

Since when does Buzz
run Simon Says?

- What happened to Arnold?
- He got married to a Catholic.

Works in the Hamptons now
shucking oysters.

He was our cantor.

Oh, I never win anything.

Ah, well, cheer up,
it's only the first round.

- My God, is that Jack Bergen?
- Simon says pound your chest...

- Mm, yes, it is.
- What happened?

He had an entire
head of hair last year.

- I know.
- All the men here are going bald.

It must be the tomato juice.

If his father's bald,
then he'll go bald.

- That's the way it works.
- That's depressing.

Bald men can be attractive.
With the right hat.

I'm just tired of looking at
the same sad men every year.

The pool never gets wider.
They're either bald

or married or... that.

Simon says shimmy.

Simon says stop.

What on earth is he doing?

Looks like he's heading
to the cookies.

He walked right through
a room full of girls

and didn't look up once.

He's so odd, that one.

Handsome, though. And single.

- With hair.
- Lots of hair.

And his father has his hair.

- And he's not married?
- No, not married.

Guess it was hard to find
a nice girl in prison.

- Prison?
- Oh, yes. Just got out.

That's impossible.
For what?

Only...
...murder.

No.

Killed an entire family,
and then left a bill.

Because he's a doctor.
He expects to get paid

for his services.

That's how they caught him.
His surcharges.

Only one man in New York
charges that much

- for a cotton ball.
- Simon says clap your hands.

You're kidding.

Yes.

Attention, Steinerites.

Will Miriam Mazel please report
to building five?

What's building five?

- Miriam Mazel to building five.
- That's that new building over there.

- Where?
- Be right back.

Simon says spin like a dreidel.

Paging me now, are you?

Well, the kid who usually
sneaks you my messages

swallowed some lake water

and his head blew up
like a balloon.

- That's terrible.
- I know.

He's so much harder
to understand now.

Mmm, fries.

It's been a real suck my
donkey dick kind of day, boy.

Thought I had a line on a gig
for you at Grossinger's,

but it was a bust.

Then Lawrence Feldstein tells me
they had a cancellation

at the small room at Kutshers,

but that turned out
to be bullshit, too.

- What are you looking for?
- Ketchup.

I'm calling everyone I know,
just not having any luck.

What's going on with you?

Oh, my day's been crazy.

This morning was
waffle breakfast day,

which is very popular,
and people get nuts.

You have to rush
the condiment table really quick

if you want to get your topping
before your waffle gets cold.

After waffles, I lost $2.00

to Dorothy Kulgberg
at ping-pong.

Took a class on how to do
a Cleopatra eye,

which I soon discovered is
one look I cannot pull off.

Then, right before I fucked up
Simon Says,

I had to rush back
to the cottage to get

my brother and sister-in-law's
room ready for their arrival,

and I completely lost track
of time

and missed my pastels class.

Oh, I wanted to take
pastels class.

- Really?
- No. I don't give a fuck about pastels class.

Do you hear yourself?
Who has a day like that?

What are you,
the lost Gabor sister?

You should be walking around
with a boa and a Pomeranian.

Someone's crabby.

I'm not crabby.

I'm hanging out in the woods
trying to find you a gig.

Very similar to what I do back
in New York, but with ticks.

- And that's why you're grumpy?
- I'm not grumpy.

- You seem grumpy.
- I just want to land one of these gigs.

- That's it?
- Yeah, that's it.

Plus, the other day,
I turn around for a second

and somebody grabbed
my plunger and uses it.

- Oh, no.
- Doesn't even look to see if it belongs to anybody.

The fuckin' tag was still on it.

- I'm so sorry.
- Miriam, why are we still here?

I'm making call after call,
nothing's happening.

I'm completely out of change,

and now I have to
disguise my voice

every time I make
a long-distance call.

Why?

Mort Sahl is at the Copa.

Freddy Roman is
at Basin Street East.

Buddy Hackett's at
the Blue Angel.

Your best friend Lenny Bruce

is at Upstairs
at the Downstairs next week.

You know what the common
denominator is?

Those comics are out there
working at clubs.

You're up here in the woods
pretending to be a pony.

And who the fuck takes somebody
else's plunger and uses it?!

What kind of a sick freak
does that?!

I know. I'm sorry.

- What?
- Nothing.

My badminton team
made the semifinals,

and the tournament's
in 25 minutes.

I have to do my pregame
stretches, otherwise I'll...

- Go.
- Fine.

Attention, any employee

who wants to lead a game
of freeze tag

this afternoon on the main lawn,
see Gil at lunch.

My parents gave us
matching burial plots

for our anniversary.

Oh, that's so nice.

One less thing
you have to think about.

- Where are they?
- Florida.

I would love to be buried
in Florida.

Doesn't it sound
wonderful, Rose?

You being buried in Florida?
I guess it does.

- Mama...
- She asked a question, I answered a question.

Moishe's insisting
we get buried in Israel.

I could never be buried
in the desert.

Oh, I do like dates, though.

I never want
this conversation to end.

Time to put you under.

- Leave it alone.
- Okay, girls,

talk loud enough
so I can hear.

I don't want to miss
anything juicy.

Mrs. Maisel, are you still here?

Oh. There's a call for you.

Oh. Me? Thank you.

- Hello?
- Miriam Maisel, Mrs. O'Toole.

Oh, hello, Mrs. O'Toole.

I know you're on vacation,
but two girls are out sick,

and one quit after I fired her.

I'm shorthanded. If you can
get here by 3:00 today,

I can put you
at the Revlon counter.

- The Revlon counter?
- The Revlon counter. Can you get here?

Yes, I can. I will.

We're talking about the same
Revlon counter here, right?

There's not a secret counter
on the loading dock

or next to the incinerator,
is there?

There's only one Revlon counter
at B. Altman.

- I will see you at 4:00.
- 3:00.

3:00. Better. 3:00.
Thank you.

I'm back in the show.

What? What show?

There's an opening
at the Revlon counter,

but I need to get back
to the city by 3:00.

- Is Papa going back today?
- No. He has no reason to.

Shoot. Bus.
I could take a bus.

- Have you ever taken a bus?
- No, but how hard can it be?

Get on and sit.
I can get on and sit.

Who has a bus schedule?
Anyone have a bus schedule?

What's going on? Who died?
Am I missing something?

No, Shirley, you're not.

How much would a cab ride be?

- A lot?
- Yes.

- Can I walk?
- Have you lost your mind?

It's the Revlon counter, Mama.

My son's going back today.
You could ride with him.

- Benjamin?
- Oh, that's all right, she's gonna walk.

- Mama, please.
- Miriam, remember, he wouldn't row.

I only care if he can drive.

Just because he can
doesn't mean he will.

A-Are you sure
he's going back today, and soon?

Every year, Benjamin comes
to the Catskills

with a box of cereal.

When the cereal's done,
he goes home.

He had his last bowl
this morning.

Would you like me to ask him
to drive you back?

- Do you think he'd mind?
- Not at all.

I doubt
he'll even know you're there.

Perhaps if you were
a box of cereal.

I'll call him and tell him
you'll meet him in the driveway.

May I have the phone?
You better hurry.

He really hates
the Catskills.

Thank you, Ida.
Thank you so much.

Mama, I'll be back
as soon as I can.

Ugh.

Spray me.

Thanks.

Revlon counter!

She really likes makeup.

- Abe.
- One moment, Jerome.

There's a new indentation
on the left side

of the middle third
of the table.

Were you aware of that?

It's just a game, Abe.

Oh, well, why play at all
if it's just a game?

- Oh, boy.
- I play to win.

And to win,
I need information.

I need to determine
my best angles,

velocity, wind resistance.

We're inside, Abe.
There is no wind resistance.

Ha, ha, you'd like me
to believe that,

wouldn't you, Jerome?

Now, let's make sure
this is regulation length.

♪ Five months, two weeks,
two days ♪

♪ My lovin' baby's been gone ♪

♪ Five months, two weeks,
two days ♪

♪ My lovin' baby's been gone ♪

♪ If you see my baby ♪

♪ Please send her home to me ♪

♪ Hurry, oh, oh, baby ♪

♪ Hurry,
oh, oh, baby ♪

♪ Hurry, oh, oh, baby... ♪

Enough with
the showing off already.

It's not showing off, it's just
being a god amongst men.

You're amazing, Joel.

All those pins
just flying around

like they were
scared of your ball.

- Could you teach me to do that?
- I can teach you.

How he hell are you gonna
teach her? You can't bowl.

If I can't...
and I'm not saying I can't...

it's only because
I'm spending too much time

running my own
very successful business.

You have your own business?

- Aluminum siding.
- What's that?

It's what you use
to beat yourself to death with

while Robbie tells you
about his business.

And it's his
father's business, FYI.

- You should talk.
- True. I work for my father.

He manufactures women's clothes.

- Really?
- Shit.

- Do you get discounts?
- Of course.

- Teach me to bowl, Joel.
- It's pretty easy.

I know nothing. I wouldn't know
where to put my fingers.

She wants me to show her
where to put her fingers.

My chances are fair to good.
Let's play.

Thank God.

Listen to me,
you mashugana alta kaka.

You do not tell me
what I should know! I know!

I want what I paid for.

You hear me,
you goddamn schvantz?

Hold on. Hello, putz.

You cheating, lying...
No, no, no, don't even try to...

Abi gezunt dos leben
ken zikh ale mol nemen.

I will not retract that!

- Moishe.
- Hold on. You need a phone?

No, I don't need the phone.

You shouldn't be
conducting work up here.

That is not what
the Catskills is for.

- It's not.
- No.

The Catskills
is a time to unwind.

It's a sanctuary from work.

- Do you see us working?
- I do not see you working.

- There you go.
- I don't see you doing anything.

I see two men
standing around a toy.

It is not a toy.

I apologize if my work
has upset your playtime,

but in my business,

we're not so lucky to get
the whole summer off,

like some people.

We don't have ivory towers

and uncalloused hands.

In my business, a man sweats
and stinks till he dies.

All right, thank you
for explaining that to me,

but I have to insist that you stop
yelling into two telephones...

because, clearly,
yelling into one isn't enough...

while other people
are trying to relax.

All right, I'm sorry.

I'll tell the two thieves
who were trying to take food

out of my family's mouth
that they win.

- Thank you.
- They can continue

to rape and pillage
as they see fit.

You're still holding two phones.

Fuck you.
I'll call you back. Good?

Great.

- If you'll excuse me.
- So you hold the ball up.

It's so heavy.

It's seven pounds.
It's a turkey.

You make a turkey?

I make a great turkey.
You would love my turkey.

I'm allergic to turkey.

So, anyhow, you walk up
to the edge of the lane

and throw the ball
toward the pins.

Wow.

You're a natural.

Attention, Mrs. Greenstein,

your husband is waiting for you
on the main porch.

He says he'll wait
five more minutes.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Thank you so much for this.

You have no idea
how important this is.

Yes, I heard something
about the Revlon counter.

Well, it's more about where
the Revlon counter is.

- Where is it?
- It's in the makeup department.

The makeup department!
You should've told me.

- You sure this is okay?
- What?

You giving me a ride.

Seems like a moral imperative
if we're talking

about the makeup counter.

- Is that all?
- Yes.

You travel light.
You'd do well in a covered wagon

or fleeing Egypt.

- Anyone need to go potty?
- I'm fine. Thanks.

Lives are at stake.
I don't stop.

I'm like a camel.

Okay, here we go.

So is there a sale
at the Revlon counter or...?

Oh, boy.

Abe, I'm begging you,
I'm not a well man.

In such a hurry to lose, Jerome?

Cigar smoking is not allowed
in the rec room, you know that.

Ruthie, focus.

Look down there,
not at me, okay?

- Just aim for the middle pin.
- Like this?

Not till the guy's done
resetting the pins. Jesus.

- Sorry, Bill.
- That's okay.

Here. Now when the guy's done,
aim for the pins.

- Aren't you gonna watch me?
- Like a fucking hawk.

- You having a good time?
- Sure.

Oh, Jesus!

- He wasn't done yet, Ruthie.
- He looked done.

- Nice girl.
- Sure. Why not?

A lot of nice girls here
this year.

I'll take your word for it.
Avi, you're up.

Nice looking, too.
Girls over there, for example.

Here comes another 8-10 split
from the mighty Gardenswartz.

They seem very interested in you.

- Who does?
- The girls.

They want to learn to bowl.

They're flirting.
Why aren't you flirting back?

I let them bowl a frame.

Look, Valentino,
you're single now.

- You're up, Maisel.
- Just in the nick of time.

Hey, smart ass, I'm an old man,
but I know things.

I rarely give you advice.

You remember the last
piece of advice I gave you?

- Don't get the clap.
- Came in handy, didn't it?

I'm fine. Don't worry about me.

Attention, Mrs. Greenstein,

Mr. Greenstein will wait
five more minutes,

but that's it.

No! My calculations must be off.

I need a sharpener.

Sharpener!

1959 saw the bird of war

erupting in the Middle East.

In Cairo, cheering crowds
greeted President al-Quwatli

of Syria as he arrived
to sign a pact

with President Nasser of Egypt

establishing
the United Arab League.

The U.S. embassy in Moscow
was a target

of the carefully planned
demonstration to protest

the presence of American troops
in Lebanon.

...who emerged from the welter
of red intrigue

to rule alone with supreme power

after his buddy,
Premier Bulganin, was retiring.

Kamoi loomed large in the news
when the Chinese reds announced

that they were extending their
territorial water limit

to 12 miles,
which took in Kamoi,

a bastion in the defense
of nationalist Formosa.

♪ Hold my hand, baby,
just once in a while ♪

♪ That's all need,
that's all I need ♪

♪ And I'll be sa... ♪

Alaska became the 49th

and largest American state.
Bought from Russia in 18...

There are renewed calls today
for real estate developer

Robert Moses to step down
as Chairman of New York City's

committee on slum clearance.

The demands came
after Mr. Moses dismissed

the city's billion dollar
Title One program

as a dead duck.

Moses's mother, the only person
in New York City

who still likes him,
came to her son's defense,

insisting that his remark was
misconstrued

and that the phrase "dead duck"

has positive connotations
for him.

She said that
little Robbie Moses

carried his deceased duck
Quackers to school with him

each day for company at playtime
and slept with it at night.

The duck was alive
when it was given to him,

Mrs. Moses clarified,

but little Robert
snapped its neck

when it waddled between him
and a dollar bill.

In other news,
Hawaii is now a state.

A few Jewish women
are campaigning to have it moved

to an area off the coast
of Long Island

because that's a long flight.

This just in,

religion is being replaced
by news radio

as the opiate of the masses
because, much like opiates,

it puts people to sleep.

We interrupt our previously
scheduled program

the world is ending.

Everything's bad.
The Russians have landed.

Does anyone
actually like borscht?

A Frenchman, a Yankee,
and a Ruskie

walk into a bar in Geneva...

♪ No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no ♪

♪ That's all I need ♪

♪ That's all I need,
and I'll be ♪

♪ So satisfied, and I'll... ♪

That Kutsher's lead
turned out to be a total bust.

Apparently, everything's booked
till doomsday.

Really? Sorry, Susie.

I thought for sure
that was a good tip.

It was a shit tip.
I don't need a shit tip.

I need a real tip that leads
to a real club date.

You work at
the fucking Morris agency.

- In accounting.
- Who cares?

You stand at the urinals with
those dicks and their dicks.

You hear them talk.
Now give me something.

I don't know why
I'm helping you.

Because you hate that place.

I hate that fucking place.

And helping me is screwing them.

You know,
I actually used to sing.

Folk songs, show tunes,
did a lot of industrials.

I loved it.

- Well, you must've been great.
- I wasn't bad.

- I was being sarcastic.
- My cousin worked at the agency.

I covered for him while
he went on his honeymoon.

His wife murdered him
in Panama, so...

Fred, I promise,
if you never tell me anything

about your personal life again
and a tip you give me

actually leads to anything,
I will give you a taste.

Now just give me something,
something good,

something that...

Uh...

is here...

in the Catskills,
something soon.

Oh, I got something.
Does your comic work blue?

She'll work any
fucking color you want.

The Concord may have
a midnight spot available.

It's their dirty spot

and the guy they booked
just found Jesus.

They're looking
for a replacement.

I'll, uh,
I'll get you the number.

- Excuse me? What are you...
- Plunger.

- Oh, sorry.
- Okay, go ahead.

Thank you.

- You're a very decent gentleman.
- Blame my mother.

I'll buy you a drink back in the
Catskills, a thank you drink.

Oh, no. I've done my Catskills
time for the year.

I'm not buying another
box of cereal until January.

Oh. Okay. Well, then I guess,
until next year.

Hey.

I have tickets
to a Broadway show.

- Oh, yeah?
- Tomorrow night.

New play, a patient
gave them to me.

So you work on
the barter system?

People think
if they buy me things,

I'll work harder
to keep them alive.

- Are they right?
- Yes. So...

- So...
- Would you like to go?

Do you... like me?

I don't know.

If you go, can you possibly
stay quiet that long?

I don't know.

Fair enough. So, tomorrow, 7:00,
Adelphi Theatre?

- 7:30? I'm coming from work.
- Okay.

Okay. Wow. What's gonna happen?

♪ S'wonderful, s'marvelous ♪

♪ You should care for me ♪

♪ Awfully nice, s'paradise ♪

♪ S'what I long to see... ♪

- You showed.
- You doubted?

Your shoes match your purse.
How does that happen?

- Witchcraft.
- Hmm...

♪ You can't blame me
for feeling amorous ♪

♪ S'wonderful. ♪

My father had many enemies.

He was rich.
They wanted his money.

Then you do not include
yourself among his enemies.

I refuse to allow
this to go on. She is not well.

Mr. Phipps, please take me home.

You talk
of protecting this girl...

I think she needs
protection from you.

Wait!
Clerk, call the officer.

- What is to be done?
- What else can I do?

Place Miss Lizzie Borden
under arrest.

- I really like the theatre.
- I do, too.

Sitting in a dark room,
everyone enjoying a story.

- There's electricity in the air.
- Agreed.

And this play, I mean,
it's got everything:

- curtains, lights.
- A floor.

It does have a floor.

- I'm just wondering...
- Yes?

Why did they make a play
about Lizzie Borden?

There's not a lot
of story there.

40 whacks, 41 whacks...

And why did they put the murder
in the first act?

I mean, isn't that the whole
big thing that happens?

Well, the clean up
was quite extensive.

- But what's the second act?
- Oh, no.

- What?
- Act two's a trial.

- Shit!
- I hate trials.

All that ridiculous
Perry Mason crap.

The "I object" and
"Your Honor, may I approach?"

And the banging with the gavel.

- And the righteous district attorney.
- I hate district attorneys.

And somebody's gonna get up
and give a big dramatic speech.

- Where the actor spits on you.
- They have to spit on you.

- It's not dramatic unless they spit on you.
- I've been to real trials.

No one gives a dramatic speech,
but they still spit on you.

Wait, what are you doing?

I'm finished with it anyhow.

- We're not going back, are we?
- Aren't we?

- No.
- We can't just leave.

Didn't you hear all that stuff
we just said?

Perry Mason, trials,
speeches, spitting?

Yes, but it's a play.

You have to sit through
the whole play.

- Who says?
- The play police.

I am not sitting through
any more of this.

But what if the actors notice
that our seats are empty?

They've seen this play.
They'll understand.

Hell, they expect it. They'll be
confused if we do come back.

I've never walked out
halfway through a play before.

I feel a little dirty,

like-like, we could go back in
and we're not.

I feel so grown up, so alive.

Wait till you throw your program
in the trash.

My God.

My God, my God, my God.
We're leaving.

- Well, don't be a jerk about it.
- Sorry.

Oh, I know where we can go.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage

the one, the only Lenny Bruce!

All right.

Now, Sunday,

Christ and Moses fly
to New York, transcontinental.

$88 to Chicago, $35 to bet.
All right.

Let's see, they'd say, uh,

"Oh, what's playing
at Saint Pat's?"

Oh, good double-bill,
Spellman and Sheen. Nice one.

♪ Mr. Spellman and Mr. Sheen. ♪

All right.

Now, Christ and Moses

both possessed humility.

Why? Wisdom. That's it.

Anybody who is secure,
there's never any hostility

'cause he's cool.

So they just stand there,
in the back of St. Patrick's,

and they'd listen, look around.

Cardinal Spellman would be
relating love and giving

and forgiveness to the people.

And Christ would be confused...

...because their route took them
through Spanish Harlem

and he would wonder
what 40 Puerto Ricans were doing

living in one room
and this guy had a ring on

that was worth eight grand.

And he'd wonder at the grandeur.

"So why aren't the Puerto Ricans
living here?

It's clean and nice
and what does it all mean?"

And maybe Bishop Sheen would
see them in the back there,

and he would run up to Spellman
on the lectern.

"Psst, I want to talk to you
a minute."

"What is it?"

"What is it? Oh, you're never
gonna guess who's here."

"Who's here?"

"You're not gonna believe me,
you're gonna think

I've been drinking."

"All right, who's here?"

"Christ and Moses."

"Are you putting me on, now?"

"I'm telling you they're here."

"Are you sure it's them?"

"Well, I've only seen them
in pictures,

"but I'm pretty sure it's them.

"Moses is a ringer
for Charlton Heston, and, uh,

I'm sure."

"Where are they standing?"

"In the back.

Don't look now, you idiot.
They can see us."

"All right, give me a direct
line to Rome, quickly.

"Hello? John,
it's Fran in New York.

"Yes, uh, listen. A couple
of kids dropped in, and, uh,

"uh, well, you know them.

"Uh, one kid is, uh, well,
he's... I'll...

♪ With a cross of bop-bop... ♪

"No, not Zoro.

"Him. That's right.

"He brought a very attractive
Jewish boy with him.

"Well, you got to do something.

"I... No. Well, put him up
at your place.

"Huh? Yeah,
they're in the back.

"The... way in the back.

Of course they're white."

...my lawyer gives me
a thumbs-up.

Thank you, good night.

- So?
- So what?

You just saw Lenny Bruce.
What did you think?

Funny. And he didn't spit once.

He's brilliant. He gets arrested
for the things he says.

Can you imagine?
Arresting a comedian.

Anyone who makes people
think for themselves

is very dangerous.

- Deep.
- I am very deep.

And on call. I have to check in
with the hospital.

- You'll excuse me a minute?
- Yep.

Order me another one of these?

♪ My baby don't care for ♪

♪ Cars and races ♪

♪ My baby don't care for ♪

♪ High-tone places... ♪

You threw something at my head.

It was an olive.

You threw an olive at my head.

I don't know if you've heard,
but I've become very litigious.

- You were great.
- Well, it happens.

Did I know you were
coming tonight?

You didn't get my homing pigeon?

Oh, that's right.

- It's nice to see you.
- Nice to see you, too.

- You look good.
- Well, I clean up nice.

- How are you?
- Out on bail.

- No, seriously.
- No, seriously. I am out on bail.

How are you? You working?

I've been doing some gigs
here and there.

Right now I'm up
in the Catskills.

Borscht Belt, huh?

You know, what, uh,
resorts are you playing?

Steiner, but I'm not working
there, I'm with my family.

- Voluntarily?
- Yep. They go every year.

Well, that sounds terrible.

Yeah... I'm noticing
more than one glass here.

- I'm with someone.
- A date?

Possibly. Jury's still out.

What, where is he, this date?

He had to check in.
He's on call.

You're kidding.
You went to the Catskills

and you bagged yourself
a doctor?

Your parents must be kvelling.

I haven't bagged him. One date.

Does he know?

Know what?

That you've been corrupted.

Lured to the dark side
of the microphone.

One date.

Do you really think
you can go back

to making Jell-O molds again?

Uh, I don't know.
I make a hell of a Jell-O mold.

I bet you do. Oh, well,
I bet he's a very nice man

and that he'll remember to bring
in the barrels like clockwork.

- Everyone alive?
- Everyone who owes me money, yes.

- Hello, Doctor.
- Benjamin Ettenberg, meet Lenny Bruce.

Hello. I enjoyed your act.

Ah. That was no act.

All right. I have to be going.

It was nice
to meet you, Benjamin.

Uh, this table is on me.

Buy her a soda.
And have her home by 10:00.

♪ Is something he can't see ♪

♪ I wonder what's wrong... ♪

- The good booth's free. Come on.
- Good booth? What's the good booth?

- They all look the same.
- Move quick. Stay close.

- Hey, Midge.
- Hey, Kitter.

Wow, look at the size
of that sandwich.

- Don't get distracted.
- Hello, Midge.

- Hello, Zundee.
- Midge, the good booth is open.

- I see it.
- I'll head off the couple from Jersey.

- Good girl.
- That booth's taken, honey.

Made it. Here.

- Five bucks.
- Never bet me. I never lose.

Yeah, yeah.

Danny Kaye is Jewish.

Does your family own
this restaurant, or something?

- No. Why?
- You just seem to know everyone here.

What? No. Uh, some quick menu
tips: great sandwiches,

good soups, stay away
from the Italian specialties,

unless you like
mediocre Greek food.

Got it.

- So Lenny Bruce...
- We did not.

Had to ask.
I think I'll get the brisket.

Midge.
Mid-September, two spots.

- I'll call Susie.
- Thanks, Solly.

My hairdresser.

So I'm thinking, if this night
continues to go in the direction

it's currently headed,
we should have dinner next week.

Cloth napkins, bathroom
attendants. What do you say?

I'd even spring to go back
and see the second act

of Lizzie Borden if you want.

Maybe it wasn't a trial.
Maybe it was a musical,

- or a puppet show.
- I'm a comedian.

- You're a...
- I'm a standup. I do comedy.

I go to clubs at night
and tell jokes.

- Like Lenny Bruce.
- Like Lenny Bruce.

Well, not as good
as Lenny Bruce... yet.

- So you don't work at B. Altman?
- No, I work at B. Altman.

I don't make any money
from comedy, yet.

So B. Altman's my day job.
And it's a secret.

- B. Altman's a secret?
- Comedy is a secret.

- Okay.
- No one knows.

Except Solly. He's a booker.

And Verla. She knows.

Benny, Jo-Jo, they know.

Basically, that whole side
of the place.

They know. And Joel, my ex.

He knows. He actually saw me
perform one night.

That's why we're not
together anymore.

But no one else. Well, Susie.

She's the one you see walking
around Steiner with the plunger.

She's my manager.

Your manager is walking around
Steiner with a plunger?

I don't know a lot
about show business,

but perhaps you need
a different manager.

No. She's great. We're partners.

And... Lenny. He knows.

So it's not a terribly
well-kept secret.

I'm going to tell
my family soon, after vacation.

But I haven't yet.

So that thing you did
in the car, the radio thing?

That was one of your bits?

- No. I was just riffing.
- Huh.

I just thought

if we are going to do
whatever we're going to do,

then you should know
I am a comic.

A comic.

Mm-hmm.

Weird.

So how's the meatloaf?

- Do you like meatloaf?
- I do.

Then keep on looking.

Hello?

What the fuck
are you doing in New York

and I'm in the Catskills?

- Oh. I had to come back.
- And you didn't tell me?

- Wha... I'm sorry.
- I came up here because of you.

- I know.
- I looked all over this nightmare place

trying to find you.

I went to bingo and bunny hop

and color your face. Nowhere.

- Susie...
- I went to the beauty parlor,

and the indoor skating rink...
a skating rink,

in the middle of summer.

What group of total
and complete assholes

needs a skating rink
in the middle of summer?

How the fuck
did these people make it

out of the desert to begin with?

I went everywhere.
I was in such a frenzy,

I lost my plunger.

I just left it somewhere, and
then I had to go hunting for it,

which meant I had to go back
to the skating rink

and then back to bingo bullshit

and then back to pogo pony
up your ass.

I don't think these are all
Steiner-sanctioned activities.

I've been paging you nonstop
to the point where they finally

figured out something was up and
put a lock on the microphone.

And then, as I was crouching
in the bushes outside

your family's house,
I thought, "Wait a minute,

what's a real shit move someone
like Miriam Maisel could pull?"

She could up and desert me here

and go back to the city
she never should've left

- in the first place.
- I'm...

So I called B. Asshole, where
you work, and tried to get

some info out of the brain trust
at the switchboard,

but there was so much buzzing
in their heads.

So then, as a Hail fucking Mary,
I call your house, and what ho!

- I am sorry.
- What fucking ho?

I got a chance to get back up
to the makeup floor.

I had to get back right away.

Are you done playing
with lipstick?

'Cause I got you a gig.

What? Where?

The Concord. Late show. Tonight.

Tonight? That's short notice.

Well, it wouldn't
have been short

if you'd been fucking up here.

Well, I-I was gonna come back
here after work,

but I guess maybe
I could take a bus to...

I don't care
about your goddamn schedule,

just get your ass back here.

- Okay. I'll be there.
- Be there.

- I just said I'll be there.
- Because if you're not there,

in my travels today,
I found a lot of places

I could hide your body with
minimal digging. Understand?

- It's exciting, about the gig.
- Fuck you.

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H,
I love you ♪

♪ M, N, O, P, Q, R, S,
T, U love me ♪

- ♪ A ♪
- ♪ You're adorable ♪

- ♪ B ♪
- ♪ You're so beautiful ♪

♪ C ♪ -
♪ You're a cutie full of charms ♪

♪ Bip, bop, bip, D ♪

♪ You're a darling and... ♪

It's very nice of you
to do this, Noah.

- I owe you.
- Yes, I'll put in on your tab.

I just couldn't believe it, when
the phone rang and it was you.

I mean, normally, when the phone
rings, it's a salesman

trying to sell me a vegetable
brush or my doctor saying, like,

"Nope, try again," but today,
it was you wanting a ride!

Such a brucha.

You are saving my life.

That's quite a getup
you're wearing for a car ride.

Going somewhere special tonight?

Me? Nope.

You do look very fancy.

Is there a shayna punim
in the picture?

Oh, no. Nothing like that...

- Oh.
- ...I don't think.

Hey, Dad called me last night.

He said he wants to talk to me
about something important.

- Any idea what that may be?
- You think he'd tell me?

I'm sorry, are we just gonna
ignore the smell in the car?

- Yes, we are.
- Noah.

Well, you smell it, right?
It's a very strong smell.

It's like a skunk or mold
or rotting fruit or...

- Me. It's me.
- No, Astrid, it's not...

- Oh, my God, it is you.
- Here you go.

So I went to Chinatown
and I bought this herbal paste

that you're supposed
to put on during certain times

when certain things are
happening or supposed to be

happening or are probably
happening to most people anyway,

but theoretically,
when things could be happening,

just to someone else
but never to me, you put it on.

Ugh, it's so strong.

It's like a mixture of ammonia
and Esther's diaper.

So you put the paste on, which
I did, and then a month later,

you're supposed to get pregnant.

They didn't tell me about
the smell.

I don't think... they might have.
They're Chinese.

But it has a smell, and it tends
to harden as it dries,

which is why
I'm walking so funny.

You know, let's just go back
to ignoring it, shall we?

That's what I've been
doing for a month.

Oh, hey, Noah, you can
drop me off at the Concord.

- Why?
- Oh, is it because of me?

No, you shouldn't have to walk.
I'll walk.

Hey, drop me off at the Concord.

No, it's because of you, Astrid.

I just want to go
to the Concord.

I'm meeting friends there.

- What friends?
- Concord friends.

Now I understand the dress.

- Stop it.
- Wait, what do you mean?

Midge has a man.

Oh, a man!

A little shayna punim
at the Concord.

Oh, I'm so happy
I could hug you.

- Astrid.
- I won't. I promise.

Shayna punim.

♪ To tell you
what you mean to me... ♪

Ugh, thank God you made it.

I made it. It's a miracle,
but I made it.

Boy, this is classy.

Yeah, you think I'd drag you
back here to work a sewer?

- I do.
- I would, but I didn't have to.

Hey, what's with this?
We're not at Steiner.

Why are you still
carrying that around?

After what happened before,
I'm not leaving her alone again.

- Her?
- Just focus on your set, please.

Okay, I'm sorry. Wow, big room.

Did you tell me how big
this room is?

It's really big.
Huge, it's like...

What are you doing?
Are you counting?

I just want to know how much
bigger this room is

than any other room I've ever
played in my entire life.

Who gives a shit
if it's a bigger room?

It's still just a room.
It's the same audience.

There will be dumb people
and drunk people and loud people

and people throwing up
in the corner.

Just... more than
you're used to.

Who the hell is this?

Ah. Great. Melvin, I'd like
you to meet Midge Maisel.

Mrs. Maisel.

This isn't the girl I hired.

- It isn't?
- Yes, it is. - No. No, no, no.

She doesn't look anything

like the picture you showed me.

The picture you showed me
looked funny.

She doesn't look funny.

W-What is she, a-a singer?

No. She's not a singer,
she's a comic.

No.

Look, she just doesn't
have her makeup on yet. Okay?

By the way,
it's a little creepy,

you carrying her picture around
in your pants like that.

Makeup? How much makeup?
How much makeup does she wear?

Who are you, Max Factor?

- I need a comic.
- And you got one.

- A funny comic.
- Will you relax?

You worry like that, you'll take
ten years off your life.

And from the looks of you,

you only have about
five left to begin with.

Dressing room's in the back.

Get your makeup on.
She better look funny!

Susie, what is he talking about?

- Nothing.
- What picture did you...

- That's Mamie Eisenhower.
- Yeah, so?

You told him
I look like Mamie Eisenhower?

Look, I said what I need
to get you the gig,

and I got you the gig.

We're just lucky that moron

doesn't read
a fucking newspaper.

Susie, he thinks
I'm gonna go out on the stage

looking like the president's
wife, and when I don't,

he's gonna pull me off the stage
in front of 400,000 people.

Relax about the goddamn room.

It's not 400,000 people, okay?

It's not even... Oh, I didn't see
those seats back there.

Okay, it's big.

But you're gonna do great.

- Now, let's go find you a drink.
- I don't need a drink.

Eh, place this big,
you're gonna need a drink.

Oh, Jesus Christ,
look at the size of that bar.

Make sure you have everything.

I have everything.

- Where's your hat?
- I forgot my hat.

I hope they have that
fire juggler again this year.

You wonder what happens
in a person's life

that makes them stumble
across a talent like that.

It's on the chair.

I think, next year,
it's going to be time

for a new grass skirt.

- You ready?
- Remember, Mendelsons,

tonight, everyone gets lei'd!

- Rose, I can't do it.
- Every year, you say that.

Then you put it on, and
you never want to take it off.

I can't spend Polynesian Night
at the same table with that man.

- Oh, Abe.
- You know how many times

he's going to say the words
"pupu platter."

I can't listen
to his litany of "lei'd" jokes.

I-I can't watch him
tip the waiters in coconuts.

I can't take him substituting
the word "poi" for "goy"

- in casual conversation.
- All right, I'll tell you what.

I'll represent us at dinner,
and you stay here and relax.

- Really?
- You've earned a break.

I'll bring you back
a pineapple boat.

And, remember,
Moishe and Shirley

are seeing Duke Ellington
at Grossinger's Tuesday,

so they won't be here
for Schnitzel Night.

- They won't ruin the schnitzel?
- They will not ruin

- the schnitzel.
- You're a very good wife.

♪ Mama, don't scold me ♪

- ♪ I no go work today ♪
- Hey.

Thank you.

Oh, God, it's hot.

Take your coat off, Ma.

Then I'll be too cold.

You look very nice tonight.

I could always pull off
a floral print.

Ooh.

Sure are a lot of pretty girls
here this year.

You've been talking to Pop.

I warned you about that.

Oh, yeah.

Shouldn't you be out there
talking to a nice girl

instead of sitting here
talking to me?

You're a nice girl.

Or is there something
I don't know?

- I'm being serious.
- Ma.

You're my son.

- I want you to be happy.
- I know.

And just because you're not
with Midge anymore

doesn't mean you can't be happy.

I just don't want you waiting
around for her, Joel.

Because I don't think
she's waiting around for you.

You look nice in your coat, Ma.

But do I look rich?

Like a Rockefeller.

Look who I found wandering

around the island alone.

- Oh, hello, Rose.
- Hello, Shirley.

Shirley, you notice something
different about Rose tonight?

A certain glow? I think
she may have gotten lei'd.

- Oh, Moishe.
- Mm.

You are something else.

May I escort you ladies
to the table?

I hear the chef made
a whole lot of pupu.

So, Shirley tells me

you're gonna be buried
in Israel.

Any idea when?

♪ Fish and poi ♪

♪ No care tomorrow. ♪

Dinner's the other way, Abe.

Oh. Joel, hello.

Yes, I'm actually going
to skip dinner tonight.

I had a very big lunch

and double my allotment
of tomato juice,

so I thought I'd just...

walk it off for two
or three more hours.

Needed a break
from my parents, huh?

- Yes.
- I understand.

I'm sure you do.

- Well...
- Hey,

is Midge back yet?

Uh, no, she's still in New York.

Anything wrong?

Nope. Just wondering.

I'll tell her
you're looking for her.

- Yep. Good.
- Oh, and, um,

- if your parents ask...
- I never saw you.

Now, this is a much bigger room
than you're used to,

so it's gonna feel
completely different.

- Wait, what?
- And it'll take longer

for the laughs to reach you,
and they'll be

proportionally quieter
because of the tall ceilings.

I thought you said this place
wasn't that much bigger.

I also said you looked
like Mamie Eisenhower.

- This place is huge. Keep up.
- That's her with her makeup on?

- Yeah.
- She looks even less funny now!

You know what,
she's just gonna be funny

instead of look funny, okay?

She's not funny, I'm not paying.

- So no pressure.
- Nope.

- Okay, where were we?
- Laughs will take forever

- to reach me.
- Yes, they will.

So it might be tough
to gauge how it's going.

Hold a little longer
for the laughs

and look down at who you can see
in the audience.

If they're smilin',
you're doing good.

I wonder what Mamie Eisenhower
would do in this situation.

Big room is just more people
to fall in love with you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Concord Hotel
is pleased to welcome

- to the stage Mrs. Maisel!
- Okay. Here we go.

- Tits up.
- Tits up.

Thank you, everybody.

Thank you very much.

Here we are in the Catskills,
and I'm starving.

Where can you get a decent meal
around here?

Food.

Food.
24 hours a day, food.

Shouldn't the Catskills season
be in winter,

with big coats and scarves?

What kind of sadists
feed you ten meals a day,

then tell you to put on
a fucking bikini

and go find a husband?

The only reason

we stand a chance is because
the men are too full to run.

And all I see

and hear about
and dream about is food.

Giant portions of food.

I know it's the midnight show.

I'm supposed to be talking
about blow jobs and big tits,

but, after six weeks up here,

tits just start
to look like a couple

of Grossinger's baked Alaskas.

They're, uh...

Oh, you've had them.

But, really, I-I have great
affection for the mountains.

I've been coming up here
with my family since I was born.

It is the best place to have
your first nervous breakdown.

Which automatically comes
with spending months

in a cabin with your family
every year since you were born.

My first everything happened
in the Catskills.

Everything.

My mother first told me
to keep my knees closed

until there's a ring
on my finger in the Catskills.

Actually, she told me
it was biologically impossible

to have sex
without a ring on your finger.

Guess what, Mom,

it's not.

Anyhow, the first boy
I ever kissed

I kissed in the Catskills.

Mm-hmm. First time I ever let
a boy go Christopher Columbus

on my nether regions,
it was in the Catskills.

And this boy, he was my...

Papa.

I...

I...

The Catskills.

Things happen in the Catskills.

All kinds of things happen.

Games. There's games.
You like games? I like games.

And-and when people
come up here with kids,

they want things
for the kids to play

so the adults can go...
be adults.

Parents don't really want
to know what's going on

with their kids
behind their backs.

I mean, they'd prefer
they weren't eaten by a lion

or whatever eats people
in Upstate New York,

but, otherwise, secrets.

Secrets. Kids have secrets.

Mothers and daughters
and daughters and fathers and...

You know, it's weird with
daughters and fathers, isn't it?

Isn't it weird?

I-Is it weird?

Is it?
Fucking make up your mind.

Because fathers never really
know who their daughters are.

They don't want to know,
do they?

It would be terrifying to know
who they are and what they do,

and-and, because they
don't really know any of this,

sometimes they can just walk in
unexpectedly,

and, suddenly, it's like,

"Hey, you're a whore. Who knew?"

Not that I'm a whore.

I am definitely not a whore.

I do not charge for sex.
I mean, that's free.

I mean, it's free to guys
I want it to be free to.

My husband. Boyfriend.

One girl in college.

Anyone with a decent ticket
to a Sinatra concert.

Even my mother would give it up
for a Sinatra ticket.

No, she wouldn't.
My mother wouldn't give it up

for anything, to anyone.

Well, my father.
She'll-she'll give it up to him.

I mean, not that she told me
she'd give it up to him.

But I'm assuming.
Well, I'm here,

so somebody gave up something
to somebody at some point.

Anyhow, e-everyone has sex.

Daughters have sex.

Sons have sex.

Babies come from sex.

Boy, I have got to stop saying
the word "sex."

I actually have never said "sex"
this much before.

I don't think I've ever said
the word "sex" in front

of my father, because my father
looks like what you'd think

a Columbia professor
would look like.

Lots of brown and tweed
and plaid

and a scowl
of intellectual superiority

because he is
intellectually superior.

He is very smart.

My mother once told me
that she pictured having sex

with his mind
on their wedding night

so she didn't have to think
about his penis.

She did not say that.
Some other woman said that.

Just some other person.
And I overheard them

and... Let's go back to food,
shall we?

Food...

And the donkey
who looked just like my father

stood up and said, "Who else
wants a piece of this?!"

I really, really have to go.

But, uh, thank you for laughing.

Please tip a waiter
and enjoy some veal.

I will be here all week
trying to figure out

if I just had some sort
of stroke. I'm Mrs. Maisel.

Thank you! Good night!

Ha! That's the way to do it.

You had them. You own them.

No one in that audience
is ever gonna be the same.

Did you hear that applause?

And that's not because
it's taking so long

to reach here from the back
that it's just arriving.

No, that's because
they like Ike!

- They like Ike!
- All right, you win.

- Uh, one more time?
- She's great. I want her back.

You sure? You want to wait till
she gets a little double chin?

- No.
- I was gonna take her in the bathroom

and break her nose
to make her a little funnier.

No. No, no, no.
I want her just like that.

Don't change a thing!

I fucking love the Catskills.

Why didn't he leave?
Why didn't he leave?

- Who?
- Man, front row,

60 years old, mustache,

Polynesian clothes.

Doesn't narrow it down.

- My father.
- Your father?

- Your father was out there?
- Yes.

You said all that shit
in front of your father?

Wow, you have got balls.

Is he still there?

Nope. Nowhere to be seen.

That's because he's here.

I'm taking you home.

Are we in trouble?

♪ Well, you got that girl
and she lives with you ♪

♪ And she does just what
you want her to ♪

♪ And when I call you
on the phone ♪

♪ She says you're not there,
but I know you're home ♪

♪ You better tell that girl
to shut up ♪

♪ You better tell that girl
I'm gonna beat her up ♪

♪ You better tell that girl,
you better tell that girl ♪

♪ You better tell that girl ♪

♪ Well, we used to be
the best of friends ♪

♪ Now all that's gonna have
to end ♪

♪ But there's just one thing
that I can't see ♪

♪ How she's got you
hanging up on me ♪

♪ Yeah, you better tell
that girl to shut up ♪

♪ You better tell that girl
I'm gonna beat her up ♪

♪ You better tell that girl,
you better tell that girl ♪

♪ You better tell that girl ♪

♪ Well, I bet you're like that
all of the time ♪

♪ But it takes more than that
for me to lose my mind ♪

♪ Don't you know
that I don't care? ♪

♪ Maybe if I hit her,
maybe if I pulled her hair ♪

- ♪ Oh, hey, yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Girl ♪

- ♪ Girl, girl ♪
- ♪ Girl, girl ♪

♪ Yeah, you better tell
that girl ♪

♪ You better tell that girl
to shut up ♪

♪ You better tell that girl
I'm gonna beat her up ♪

♪ You better tell that girl,
you better tell that girl ♪

♪ You better tell ♪

♪ That girl ♪

♪ To shut up. ♪