All language subtitles for disenchantment.s01e02.web.x264-strife

Hey!

Bean! No!

She forgot her glove!

My poor Princess Tiabeanie.

She never had a chance
to say she loved me.

Now what? Whoa!

Me smell fear.

I mean, I smell fear.

You don't scare me!
I was born scared. Get him, men!

- Boys, boys, boys.
- What?

There's no conflict here.

This is a plateau of peace.

I can get married or I can die.
This should be a harder decision.

Hey! Death is the easy way out!

So I say do it.
Do it! Do it, do it, do it!

No! Your cruddy life
is worth living, Bean.

And so is mine, if you live.

Geez. Do it.

Hey, guys?

Yeah?

While you were talking,
the stick broke.

Leaving when the ogre looked away
was an excellent strategy.

Now, by my reckoning,
the bodies should have landed right here.

Whoa!

Dear God, you've mangled
my exquisite face!

Wait, no, that's your face.

What's wrong with my face?

It looks like a foot.
I mean, if you're happy with it...

Whoa!

And that's when I discovered

that the dragon could shoot fire
from both ends.

Anyway, enough about
every detail of my life.

Tell me something about you.

Really? Fascinating. Exquisite.

Your Majesty, it is with much heroism
that I now return Princess Bean,

along with this priceless sack of elf.

This cold floor feels good
on my concussion.

Hi, I'm Elfo!

But more importantly,
I am the one and only Luci.

Who cares what a cat has to say?

I'm not a cat!

Whatever. I'm gonna go lay down
in the window.

All I care about
is this sweet, precious elf.

Cram him in a cage!

Dad, you can't just cage him.
Elves are jolly by nature.

They need to prance and dance.

Lucky for you, I'm a patron of the arts.

But all frolicking stays
within castle walls.

Well, get to it!

It's still rolling,
but he has stopped screaming.

Someone jab him with a sword,
make sure he's okay.

Speaking of things getting poked,
we've got a wedding to plan.

Ew. Dad, think out the words
before they come out. It's...

I know. It felt weird when I said it.

We'll scrub you right up,
as clean as a child on his funeral day.

Arms up!

How my Charlie sparkled this morning
when they heaved him into the burial pit.

He's in a better place now.

Yes, down there
with all his little friends.

Not so hard!

I'm sorry, Bunty.

I don't mean to be insensitive
about your dead whatever.

I just really don't want to marry
this wealthy prince.

You understand.

But it is your duty as a princess.

We need this marriage
to cement our alliance with Bentwood.

For our kingdom is rich in tradition,

but their kingdom is rich in...
Well, riches.

Plus, I don't see anyone else
storming your castle, princess.

Rawr.

Your Highness.

The elf may have value
far beyond what we expected.

It appears there may be truth
to the old legends regarding the elves.

It seems certain secrets were set down
in the ancient writings of Mephismo.

I should dust in here more often.

Anyway, I've read it before.

The essence is that there is
enormously potent magic in elves' blood.

Could this elf's blood be the key
to my wildest dream?

Might we finally create
the Elixir of Life?

I don't want to raise your hopes.

But yes, definitely.

Hey, Elfo, what are you lookin' at?

I was just admiring the towel.
My people don't have terrycloth.

I cannot marry that pig Merkimer.
I can't do it.

I'm gonna have to kill him or something.

Do it. Do it, do it, do it!

And after you kill him
we can hide the body.

Then we could join the search party

and you and I can look at each other
and try not to laugh.

No! You're not a murderer, Bean!
Well, I mean, you did kill that one guy.

Nope. Still alive, but suffering greatly.

You're a sweet person.

Sure, you're a violent alcoholic,
but you're not a killer.

You're right. I'll go have a few drinks
and we'll figure something out.

Hey, I'm still naked.

I'm naked all the time.
You just didn't know it.

And now you're never gonna un-know it.

Might we borrow
this little man for a moment?

I just need to pick his brain.

Through his nostrils.

So, how we gonna kill your fiancé?

Candlestick in the conservatory?
Candlestick in the face?

I think we need to be
a little bit more discreet.

Poison could be perfect!

This one causes slow, painful death.

This one kills you with kindness
and some belladonna.

And this one's so poisonous you can't
even hold it in a bottle.

Excuse me.

Have you folks been helped?

We're still browsing.

You know what?
I'm just not comfortable with murder.

There's got to be another way
to get rid of him.

You could just marry him

and drive him mad
with your indecisiveness.

I don't know.

We're running out of time.

What if I rub a sick chicken
all over his face and hope for the best?

Mermaids!

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Probably not.

Something tickles.
Is there a mosquito on my leg?

Behold, sire,
as I extract a small quantity of blood.

I only have a small quantity of blood.

Excellent. I've asked
the eminent Lord Lingonberry

to take part in the experiment.

And may I say what a deep honor
it is to assist His Majesty in this most...

Strap him down!

This is the first interesting thing
that's ever happened to me.

To test the revitalizing influence
of the blood,

I shall apply a small measure to the scalp

to regrow his Lordship's once-lavish hair.

And... doink.

Nothing's happening.

But, ho!
Some hair has sprouted in his ear.

His ears were always like that!

It's like he keeps paintbrushes in there.

Yes, well, I suppose
the life-giving magic may take a while.

Come back in a few days,
Lord Lingonberry.

He's dead.

Pity. He was a good man. A family man.

Clearly, the volume of blood
was inadequate.

To extract greater quantities,
we'll need more sophisticated methods.

Mop Girl, milk him.

My brain feels dry.

Now we hope Merkimer's a big enough idiot
to fall for this mermaid plan.

I'm feeling optimistic.

So, Merkimer, I know
I've been a little cold and distant,

and some would say
overflowing with revulsion...

That's okay. I don't listen to women.

But before we marry

and I enter a state
of semi-permanent pregnancy...

Woo!

I just wanted to make sure
you have some fun.

That's why I insist
you have a bachelor party.

It'll be way out on the open seas
where the only law is the law of no laws.

Anything goes.

Anything... goes.

Anything goes!

Whoa!

They call it a party barge,

and it's charting a course
for Mermaid Island.

This island has real mermaids?

It's not just named after
Gerald K. Mermaid?

It was named after him,
but it also has mermaids.

Intriguing. But don't mermaids
use their mesmo-songs

to lure men to their deaths?

Only weak-minded men fall for that.

So you'll be pretty much fine.

Very well. I'm in.

What a gullible idiot.

Can I go, too?

Our first experiment
with the elf blood was inconclusive.

But these new tests shall reveal
its restorative powers.

Fly!

Are you okay?

If I say no,
will I seem less manly?

Elfo, that's not possible.

Why don't you pick on someone
your own size? Like a barn!

First of all, sweetie, shut up.

I'm not gonna hurt this little guy.
I'm gonna leech the magic out of him.

Don't you want a magic daddy?

No! Gosh. I don't want a magic daddy,

and I would never call you that
even if you were!

You just want your stupid Elixir of Life
so you can be immortal and rule forever.

God, you're selfish and cruel.

Selfish? Maybe. But cruel?

Also maybe.

Sire, harnessing the blood's power
has proven difficult.

Perhaps if I had more to work with...

Look at this!
There's more blood in my chamber pot.

If this flask isn't filled
with elf blood by morning,

we'll grind him to a paste
and see if that works better.

If that paste doesn't work,
I'm in real trouble.

I'm an optimist.
I say the flask is half-full.

- It's not.
- Don't be so negative.

- Where there's a will, there's a way.
- There's not.

Shut your snouts, you dumb pigs,
or I'm gonna... Wait.

Did you know that pigs are 80% blood?

- Really?
- Not anymore.

I must admit, the quantity of blood
exceeded my expectations.

So Elfo is free to go?

For now.

Looks like I picked the wrong day
to wear sandals.

Was I the only one hoping for more blood?

I feel weak and queasy.

What you need is a nice, long boat ride.

All aboard the party barge!
I hope you like fun and soggy pretzels.

I hope you like me yelling!

Stop right there, Your Ladyness.

A delicate flower like yourself
has no place aboard...

Good point.

I'm so glad you're coming along, Bean.

You'll get to know the crazy, fun me,

before spending the rest of your life
with the boring, bossy me.

I'm lucky in so many ways.

Now listen up, you landhuggers.

This may be a party barge,

but the dangers of Mermaid Island
be all too real.

So drink responsibly!

- Spin the elf! Spin the elf!
- Spin the...

Attention on the party barge!

We be sailing now into treacherous waters.

To starboard, man-eating sharks.

To port, a sunset so beautiful

the rest of your life
will seem anticlimactic.

But the worst lies ahead!

For there lurk the twin shores
of Mermaid Island and Walrus Island.

And you don't want to mix those up,
believe me.

Let's get this underway, shall we?

Everyone line up single file
to get lashed to the masts.

God forbid you lose control
and jump overboard.

We don't want that.

Anyone not tied down
better plug your ears.

"Ear wax"? Does it mean it's for ears
or from ears?

Arr, you'll want to put the wax in
before you hear me answer.

Tighter, man, tighter!
I have poor impulse control.

You remembered to use a slipknot, right?

I can't hear you! I've got wax in my ears!

You rigged it so he'll break free
and leap overboard, right?

The plan?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, no. I couldn't do it.

Elf defense? Try self-defense.

Just go cut the ropes.

- Stop! No! Don't do it!
- Do it. Do it.

- I can't jump that high.
- Do it! Elfo...

- That's not fair.
- Don't listen to Elfo.

You're playing to your strengths,
and not mine.

See?
Even the gods don't want you to do it.

Then they shouldn't have given me
these big bad buck teeth.

My prince, may I give you one last kiss
for good luck?

On the forearm, for whatever reason?

That's kind of Mother's thing, but sure.

Did it work?

All hands, brace fer mermaids!
And their irresistible song.

If it's smooth jazz,
I will destroy this place.

It's beautiful. Such angelic voices.

I've never heard a song
so sweet and delicate.

I must have sex with its origin.

Ha! I'm free! Lead the way, loins.

I'm Merkimer. I can't wait to meet you.
I don't need your names, though.

Ladies, the legends do not do you justice.

Not one mention of your fuzzy muzzles.
Climb aboard.

Ooh!

Yes!

Should we be doing something?

I'm already smoking and laughing.
What more do you want?

Whoa!

Listen. They've stopped singing.

Aye, their siren song is done for now.

And we only lost one man.
That's actually not bad.

Usually everyone dies.
I don't advertise that fact.

Merkimer may be gone,
but at least he prepaid for the barge.

- To Merkimer!
- To Merkimer!

As Merkimer's fiancée,
I'd like to say a few words.

Let's head back.

Where the hell are we?
This fog is as thick as chowder.

Chowder? It doesn't always
have to be nautical references with me.

There are plenty of other thick soups.
Cream of potato, that's one.

Chili... I guess that's not a soup.

Ham chowder.
No, that's a chowder.

What's the one with the salt?

Salt soup!
There you are. Salt soup.

Bah!

Look, in the distance!
The lights of the kingdom!

That's no land.

It's a ship of war,
flying the dread flag of the Borcs!

They must be planning
a sneak attack on Dreamland!

Don't panic. We can slip away unnoticed

as long as everyone remains
absolutely silent.

What?

They've spotted us. Defend the barge
or risk losing your deposit.

Fire the cannon!

Don't look at that. You didn't pay for it.

I'm sorry, guys.
We're gonna die and it's all my fault.

No, it was me with my incessant
do it, do it, do it, do its.

That's what made you do it.

Neither one of you was to blame.
It was both of you. You both killed us.

The barge is falling apart!

Aye, 'twas held together mainly by stains.

All the confetti cannons in the world
couldn't save us now.

Mermaids, attack!

Didn't you always want a husband
that screwed 30 walruses?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

King Zog, you're giving me your daughter,

so it's only fair I give you
something of equal value.

The head of the Borc admiral!

That's not a Borc, it's a Bozak!
They're our closest allies!

The Bozak wedding delegation
never arrived.

No wonder all those presents
have been washing ashore.

Then let this be a warning
to your other allies.

This is the dress my mom wore
when she married my dad.

I thought when it was my turn to wear it,
I'd be as happy as she was.

Somehow, I don't think
my portrait's gonna be nearly as happy.

If you no like, I fix.

No, no, that's okay, Giuseppe.
We hired you for your emotional realism.

It's time.

Well, free will was fun while it lasted.

Just doing the stuff I wanted to do,
going places I wanted to go.

That time I stole a baby walrus.
You guys were there.

So, anyway, here comes the bride.

I can't bear to watch. I'll be in my cage.

Anyone seen Sorcerio?

No, he's at a wedding. Your wedding.

Well, if it isn't my
little barge buddy, Elmo.

I told you, my name is Elfo.
Elmo was my house. I lived in an elm.

I'm feeling a tad nervous, my tiny friend.

Those mermaids worked me over
pretty hard, sexually.

I may not be able to perform tonight
on the marital mattress.

Stop talking to me.

I mean, I'm drained.

Haha! Here it is.
Legend has it that elf blood contains

the mystical essence of life itself.

Perhaps it could perk up
my poor, tuckered dong.

Please stop! There's no place like Elmo.
There's no place like Elmo...

Mind if I have a little sip of you juice?

Hold up. That's not elf's blood,
that's pig's...

Help yourself!
Do it. Do it. Do it!

Enough rigmarole.
Bring in the blushing groom.

I've never felt such vigor.

You're all invited to our marital evening.

Feeling a bit...
What's happening?

Well, this is odd.

Hey.

Really, Dad?
You're fine with this?

You think this arranged marriage
will solve your problems?

You think that magic will?

You're just thinking about yourself,
what you want.

You don't care about me.

Isn't there a point in everyone's life

where they need to, like,
go and figure out who they are?

Are we standing in that moment right now?
Maybe.

But I know one thing,
and I know it real good,

I know it really, really intensely,

and that's
I don't want to marry this pig.

Or that one either.

To hell with it.
Bean may be crazy, but she's right.

This whole cursed wedding is canceled.

And the bar is closed.

If you're calling off the wedding,
I'm calling off the alliance!

Yeah? My knuckles'll make an alliance
with your pig-fathering face!

King fight!
King fight! King fight!

- King fight! King fight!
- Come on.

Guys, thanks for making my wedding
a day I'll always remember.

Now let's see how fast we can forget it.

- To us.
- But mainly me!

And furthermore!

I compliment you
on that one, sir.

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