All language subtitles for The.Lady.Eve.1941.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Once a day is plenty.

Just a couple of flies,
a sip of milk and perhaps
a pigeon's egg on Sundays.

I certainly will, Professor.

But keep her warm
as you get farther north

and sometimes
let her out of her box
to play a little.

I certainly will, Professor.

Tell Dr. Marzditz that
I have named her
especially in his honor,

Colubrina marzditzia.

And this is only the beginning
of what I am bringing out
when I come out.

I'll do that,
and I want to tell you,
I want to tell all of you

how much I've enjoyed being
on this expedition with you.

If I had my way, believe me,
this is the way
I'd like to spend all my time,

in the company of
men like yourselves
in the pursuit of knowledge.

So long, Lulu.
I'll send you a postcard.

(ANIMALS CHATTERING)

Goodbye, Charlie.

And if you get a chance
to come back,
this is where we'll be.

Give my affectionate
salutations to your father.

Thank him for making
the Pike expedition possible

and, I hope, a success.
I will, Professor.

Goodbye, my boy.
Goodbye, Muggsy,
my good friend.

So long, Prof.
Don't take no wooden money.

Goodbye, Sparky.
SPARKY: Goodbye, Charlie.

Bye, Mac.
Goodbye, Charlie.

Bye, boys.
So long, Charlie.

So long, gang.
So long, Muggsy.

PROFESSOR: Be careful
of the traffic. You haven't
dodged any in a long time.

MAC: And be careful
of the dames.

You've not dodged any of them
for a long time, either.

You know me, Mac,
nothing but reptiles.
That's right, my boy.

Goodbye.

There he is!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

You'd think he'd have
a bigger yacht than
that if he's so rich.

That isn't a yacht.
That's a tender.
What's a tender?

I said Pabst.
It was Pike.

So what?
Go put on your shorts.

You can try, can't you?
But, Mom, it makes me puke.

Puke?
No, Pike!

Go put on your peekaboo.

Get down there and make fast.
Aye, aye, sir.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Gee, I hope he's rich.

I hope he thinks
he's a wizard at cards.

From your lips
to the ear of the Almighty.

And I hope
he's got a fat wife,

so I don't have to dance
in the moonlight with him.

I don't know why it is,
but a sucker always
steps on your feet.

A mug is a mug in everything.

I don't see why I have to do
all the dirty work.

There must be plenty of rich,
old dames just waiting for you
to push them around.

You find them.
I'll push them.

Boy, would I like to
see you giving some
old harpy the three-in-one.

Don't be vulgar, Jean.

Let us be crooked,
but never common.

Is he rich?

As the purser
so picturesquely put it,
he's dripping with dough.

He'd almost have
to be to stop a boat.

What does he own,
Pike's Peak?

Oh, no, no.
Pike's Pale,
"The ale that won for Yale."

I wonder if I could clunk him
on the head with this.

Don't do that!

Hey!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Two Pike's Pale.
Now, wait a minute.

Six more Pike's Pale,
and make it snappy.

What are you trying to do,
embarrass me?
We're all out of Pike's.

Work them over
on something else.
They don't want nothing else.

They want the ale
that won for Yale.
Rah, rah, rah!

Well, tell them
to go to Harvard.
Come on.

How many times
do I have to tell you?
Four Pike's Pale.

Now, listen...

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(HICCUPS)

Not good enough.
What'd you say?

I said they're not
good enough for him.

Every Jane in the room
is giving him the thermometer,

and he feels
they're just a waste of time.

He's returning to his book.
He's deeply immersed in it.

He's sees no one except...

Watch his head turn
when that kid goes by.

It won't do you any good,
dear. He's a bookworm,
but swing them anyway.

Now, how about this one?

How would you like that
hanging on
your Christmas tree?

Oh, you wouldn't?
Well, what is
your weakness, brother?

Holy smoke,
the dropped kerchief!

That hasn't been used
since Lily Langtry.

You'll have to pick it up
yourself, madam.

It's a shame that he doesn't
care for the flesh.
He'll never see it.

Look at that girl
over to his left.

Look over to
your left, bookworm.
There's a girl pining for you.

A little further.

Just a little further. There!

Wasn't that worth looking for?

See those nice store teeth,
all beaming at you?

Why, she recognizes you.
She's up. She's down.

She can't make up her mind.
She's up again.
She recognizes you.

She's coming over
to speak to you.
The suspense is killing me.

"Why, for heaven's sake,
aren't you Fuzzy Oldhammer

"I went to
manual training school
with in Louisville?

"Oh, you're not?
Well, you certainly
look exactly like him.

"It's certainly
a remarkable resemblance.

"If you're not going to
ask me to sit down...

"I suppose you're not going
to ask me to sit down.

"I'm very sorry. I certainly
hope I haven't caused
you any embarrassment,

"you so and so."

"I wonder if my tie's
on straight. I certainly
upset them, don't I?

"Now, who else is after me?"

Ah, the lady
champion wrestler.
Wouldn't she make a houseful?

Oh, you don't like her either?
Well, what are you
going to do about it?

Oh, you just can't
stand it anymore.
You're leaving.

These women don't give you
a moment's peace, do they?

Well, go ahead.
Go sulk in your cabin.

Go soak your head
and see if I care!

(GLASS SHATTERING)

I'm very sorry, sir.
That's all right.

Why don't you look
where you're going?
Why don't I look?

Look what you did to my shoe,
you knocked the heel off.

Oh, I did?
I'm certainly sorry.

You did. You can just take me
down to my cabin
for another pair of slippers.

Well, certainly.
I guess it's
the least I can do.

By the way, my name's Pike.
Oh, everybody knows that.

Nobody's talking about
anything else. This is my
father Colonel Harrington.

My name is Jean.
It's really Eugenia. Come on.

Funny our meeting
like this, isn't it?
Yes, isn't it?

This is quite a cabin.
Pretty cozy, isn't it?

(SNIFFING)

Holy Moses!
What's the matter?

That perfume.
What's the matter with it?

It's just that I've been
up the Amazon for a year,
and they don't use perfume.

The shoes are over here.

Because you were so polite,
you can pick them out
and put them on if you like.

Push that side. There.

Holy Moses!
See anything you like?

The evening slippers
are over there.

Those the ones you want?

Doesn't seem possible
for anybody to
wear anything that size.

Oh, that's pretty.

You'll have to kneel down.

I hope I didn't hurt you.
Of course you didn't.

Don't you feel well?

Oh, I'm all right.

What were you doing
up the Amazon?

Looking for snakes.
I'm an ophiologist.

I thought you were in
the beer business.

Beer? Ale.
What's the difference?

Between beer and ale?
Yes.

My father would burst
a blood vessel
if he heard you say that.

There's a big difference.

Ale's sort of fermented
on the top or something.

And beer's fermented on
the bottom. Or maybe it's
the other way around.

There's no similarity
at all.

You see, the trouble
with being descended
from a brewer,

no matter how long ago
he brewed-ed
or whatever you call it,

you're supposed to know
all about something
you don't give a hoot about.

It's funny to be
kneeling here at your feet
talking about beer.

You see, I don't like beer.
Bock beer, lager beer
or steam beer.

Don't you?
I do not.

And I don't like pale ale,
brown ale, nut brown ale,
porter or stout,

which makes me
ulp just to think about it.

(HICCUPS)

Excuse me.

Wasn't enough so everybody
to call me Hopsie ever since
I was six years old.

Hopsie Pike.
Hello, Hopsie.

Make it, Charlie, will you?

All right,
but there's something
kind of cute about Hopsie.

And when you got older,
I could call you Popsie.

Hopsie Popsie.
That's all I'd need.

Now, here's a business
I wouldn't mind being in.

I never realized before
how lovely it could be.

Oh, thank you.

We'd better get back now.

Yes, I guess so.

You see, where I've been...

I mean, up the Amazon,
you kind of forget how...

I mean, when you haven't seen
a girl in a long time...

I mean,
there's something about
that perfume that...

Don't you like my perfume?

Like it?
I'm cockeyed on it.

Why, Hopsie,
you ought to be
kept in a cage.

The nerve of some people.

There you are.

It certainly took you
long enough to come back
in the same outfit.

I'm lucky to have this on.
Mr. Pike has been
up a river for a year.

Now, look, l...
Pay no attention to
my daughter's ribaldry.

It always comes out
in the women of our family.

The men are all missionaries
with the exception of myself.

And what an exception.
Won't you have
a drink with us?

Oh, just a brandy.
But you have it with me.

Three brandies.
Yes, sir.

Have you seen this one?

Oh, he does card tricks!
Just in a small way,
of course.

Well, bless my soul.
Do that again, will you?

Amazing. How do you do it?

You palm it in this hand.

That means you grip it
in the palm of
the hand like this.

Of course, it takes
a good deal of practice.

I can well imagine
it might.

Amazing. It's a good thing
I know who you are,

or I wouldn't play
cards with you.

Sir?

You didn't really
think that...

Oh, of course not, silly.
You look as honest as we do.

Three brandies.

Washington and Valley Forge.

Dewey and Manila.

Napoleon and Josephine.

Say, how about
a rubber of bridge?

Oh, you're probably
much too good for us.

I don't have to play my best.
Besides, playing with you,

no matter how you played,
it would always be a pleasure.

Well, aren't you sweet?

Who'll we get
for a fourth?

Isn't there a three-handed
game? I seem vaguely
to remember having...

Of course there is,
and it'll be much cozier.

Will you shuffle?
Well, I'll try.

Every man for himself.

I... What?

Oh. Well...

You go up the Amazon
for a year, and then you
come out and meet you...

I'll be a cockeyed
cookie pusher!

What's the matter now?

Come on,
deal them shingles.

You don't happen to
have some beautiful damsel
pining for you, do you?

That often explains it.
Come on. Let's go.

I really feel
very guilty about this.
Don't let it worry you.

It's a good thing
we're not playing for money,

or I'd have you in bankruptcy,
this last hand alone...

Weren't we playing for money?
Of course not.
I never play for money.

But we always
play for money, darling.

Otherwise, it's like swimming
in an empty swimming pool.

Yes, but you count
that last redouble, it's...
Nonsense, my boy.

What does it amount to
at ten cents a point?

At ten cents a point?
Well, I can't...

Only nominal.
Now, let me see. Five, ten...

You'll ruin us.

Four ninety-eight.
Roughly $500.

Oh, say,
now wait a minute.

Oh, Father's in
the oil business, dear.

It just keeps bubbling up
out of the ground.

Oh, I thought,
maybe with the title,
Colonel...

Purely honorary.
How much do I owe the sucker?

Now, let me see.
Two, four, six, two.

Who's that funny-looking gink
watching us?

Everything on the up-and-up?

CHARLES: Everything's okay.
Go to bed. I'm way ahead.

All right.

Who's that? Your nurse?
That's Muggsy.

My father took him off a truck
when I was a kid
to look out for him.

You know, kidnappers,
stuff like that.

He's been sort of a bodyguard,
governess, and a very bad
valet ever since.

He saved my life
once in a brawl.
Oh.

Roughly $100.
That's rough enough.

Now, look, since I had
no understanding that...

Don't worry. I'll get it back.
Well, if that's a promise.

You can depend upon it.
I'll certainly feel better.

You certainly will.

Well, you don't mind,
I think I'll toddle off

and leave you young people
to talk about whatever
young people talk about.

Good night, sir.
I'm really awfully
sorry about...

Beeswax, my boy, beeswax.

Good night, Jeanie.
Good night, darling.

He's a nice fellow,
your father.

He's a good card player, too.
You think so?

I don't want to be rude,
but I thought he seemed
a little uneven.

He's more uneven
sometimes than others.

Well, that's what
makes him uneven, of course.

Now you, on the other hand,
with a little coaching,
you could be terrific.

Do you really think so?
Yes, you have
a definite nose.

I'm glad you like it.
Do you like
any of the rest of me?

Oh, what I meant was
in the card-playing sense...

I know what you meant.
I was just flirting with you.

Oh.

You're not going to
faint, are you?

Who, me? It's that perfume.

Oh.

Do you think they're dancing
anyplace on board?

Don't you think
we ought to go to bed?

You're certainly a funny girl
for anybody to meet

who's just been up
the Amazon for a year.

Good thing you weren't
up there two years.

Come on.

Good night.

Say, I'm afraid
we're on the wrong deck.

Well, isn't that
a coincidence?

For heaven's sake,
here's my cabin.
Fantastic!

(CLEARS THROAT)

Would you care to come in
and see Emma?

That's a new one, isn't it?

(WHISPERS) I don't want to
wake her up.
(WHISPERS) Wake who up?

Emma.
Emma? Who's Emma?

I thought that was just a gag.

Well, technically,
she's a Colubrina marzditzia,
which seems

to be a rare type
of Brazilian glass snake,
which I'm...

A snake!

She seems to
have got out again.
She's out?

Well, don't worry.
She's around here someplace.

Let me out of here!

Oh, don't be frightened.
She's just as playful
as a kitten.

(SCREAMING)
You mustn't really...

Don't do that!
How's that going...

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

I'm terribly sorry.
I wouldn't have frightened
you for anything in the world.

Why didn't you tell me
you had a slimy...

I thought you understood
Emma was a snake.

How could I understand
anything of the kind?

Why should I suspect
an apparently civilized man...

Please.
Oh.

Look under the bed.
How could she possibly
get down here?

Please! Please.
Oh, all right.

(EXCLAIMS)

It's just a stocking.

If you see any more,
just leave them there.

Now, look in the bed.
In the bed?
How could she possibly...

Oh, go on now.
You know how fast
we came down,

so you can imagine...
Oh!

It's nothing,
but it might have
given you a shock.

There's nothing like
a cold hot-water bottle.
Oh!

They would have had to bury me
at sea. Oh, come over here
and sit down beside me.

Comfortable?
Yes, very.

Oh, sorry. Hold me tight.

Oh, you don't know
what you've done to me.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Oh, that's all right.

I wouldn't have frightened you
for anything in the world.

I mean, if there's anyone
in the world I wouldn't
have wanted to,

it's you.

You're very sweet.
Don't let me go.

Thank you.

(SIGHS)

How was everything
up the Amazon?

All right, thank you.

What are you
thinking about?

Nothing.

Are you always going to be
interested in snakes?

Well, snakes are my life...
in a way.

What a life.

Oh, I suppose it does sound
sort of silly. I mean,
I suppose I should have

married and settled down.

I imagine my father
always wanted me to.

As a matter of fact,
he's told me so
rather plainly.

I just never cared for
the brewing business.

You say that's why
you've never married?

Oh, no. It's just that
I've never met her.

I suppose she's around
somewhere in the world.

It would be too bad
if you never bumped
into each other.

Well...

I suppose you know
what she looks like
and everything.

I think so.

I'll bet she looks like
Marguerite in Faust.

Oh, no, she isn't...

I mean, she hasn't...

She's not as bulky
as an opera singer.

Oh. How are her teeth?

Well, you should always
pick one out with good teeth.

It saves expense later.

Oh, now you're kidding me.
Not badly.

You have a right to
have an ideal.
Oh, I guess we all have one.

What does yours look like?
He's a little, short guy
with lots of money.

Why short?
What does it matter
if he's rich?

It's so he'll look up to me,
so I'll be his ideal.

That's a funny kind
of reasoning.

Well, look who's reasoning.

And when he takes me
out to dinner,
he'll never add up the check.

And he won't smoke
greasy cigars or use
grease on his hair, and...

Oh, yes, he won't
do card tricks.

Oh, it's not that I mind
your doing card tricks,
Hopsie.

It's just that you naturally
wouldn't want your ideal
to do card tricks.

I shouldn't think
that kind of ideal
was so difficult to find.

Oh, he isn't.
That's why he's my ideal.

What's the sense of having one
if you can't ever find him?

Mine is a practical ideal

you can find two or three of
in every barbershop
getting the works.

Why don't you marry
one of them?

Why should I marry anybody
that looked like that?

When I marry, it's going
to be somebody
I've never seen before.

I mean, I won't know what
he looks like or where he'll
come from or what he'll be.

I want him to sort of...
take me by surprise.

Like a burglar.
That's right.

And the night
will be heavy with perfume,

and I'll hear
a step behind me

and somebody
breathing heavily.

And then...

(SIGHING)

You better
go to bed, Hopsie.

I think I can
sleep peacefully now.

I wish I could say the same.
Why, Hopsie.

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

Good morning, Mr. Murgatroyd.

I trust I see you
full of zip and sparkle.
Morning.

Have a dish of tea?
I had my breakfast.

Where I come from,
we get up in the morning.

Oh, yes?
And where did it get you,
may I ask?

Or is that
a personal question?

Where did it get me?
I'll tell you
where it got me. It...

Good morning, sir.
Fruit, cereal, bacon and eggs,

eggs and sausage,
sausage and hot cakes,

hot cakes and ham,
ham and eggs, eggs
and bacon, bacon and...

Give me a spoonful of milk,
a raw pigeon's egg
and four houseflies.

If you can't catch any,
I'll settle for a cockroach.

I'll be on deck.

(WHISTLING)

Did you get it?
Close enough.

There. Dunk your
whiskers in that.

How much you say
you win last night?
About $600.

I'm going to try to
lose it back to them.

I don't get it. I lose
40 bucks to their valet, and
I figure the guy's a cutie.

Because he took you?
Who do you think you are?
Houdini?

You don't have
to be a whodunit

to tell a cold deck
when you get
your mitts on one.

All you have to know
is the difference
between hot and cold.

That guy rung
a cold deck in on me.

Balderdash!
You're always suspicious
of everybody.

You remember the clergyman
you said was a pickpocket

and he turned out
to be a bishop?

Well, I still ain't so sure.

And the guy you poked
for trying to slip you
a Mickey?

Only he was taking aspirin.

I ain't so sure
about him, neither.

I suppose you think
this gentleman
and his daughter

lost $600 to me just so
they could fleece me later.

Yeah.
Yeah?

Well, in the first place,
he happens to be
Colonel Harrington,

a very important oil man.

In the second place,
I'm an expert card player.

I've been fooling
with cards all my life.

I do tricks with cards.

They might know
a couple of tricks
you ain't seen yet.

(SCREAMS)

What's the matter?

Oh, I'm sorry.
That slimy snake. I've been
dreaming about him all night.

You mean Pike?
No, his reptile.

He travels with a snake act.
He's a... He's an...

Oh, I don't know.
He likes snakes.

You mean he isn't in
the beer business?

He's in the ale business.

It seems there's
a very big difference.

You had me worried.

I thought we'd sweetened
the wrong kitty.

Oh, no,
he's the real McPike.

That poor sap.
That card trick.
Tragic.

What are you dealing?
Fifths.

Like heck
you're dealing fifths.
Wanna bet?

Do it again.

Now let me see the aces.

Now let me see them.

I don't believe it.

You don't really need it.
It's just virtuosity.

Harry.
Yes, darling?

Tell me my fortune.

(BELL RINGING)

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

Good morning.
Thank you for the roses.

Gee, you look pretty.

I hope you slept well.
I'm still a little jumpy.

How is that...Emma?
She's just having breakfast.

What does she eat?
Don't tell me.

No, I won't.

I hope you didn't mind
my asking you to breakfast.

Well, it wouldn't be
very polite if I said
I did, would it?

No, I don't suppose
it would.

And it wouldn't
be true either.

You have the darnedest way of
bumping a fellow down
and bouncing him up again.

And then bumping him
down again.

I was just gonna say, I could
imagine life with you being
a series of ups and downs,

lights and shadows,
some irritation,
but very much happiness.

Why, Hopsie.
Are you proposing
to me so soon?

No, of course not. I'm just...
Well, then you ought
to be more careful.

People have been sued
for much less.

Not by girls like you.

Don't you know
it's dangerous to trust people
you don't know very well?

Well, I know you very well.

No, I mean,
people you haven't
known very long.

Oh, I've known you
a long time in a way.

Breakfast, sir?

What did you say?
I said, breakfast, sir?

Two Scotch and sodas
with plain water.
You take it plain, don't you?

Don't you take
cream and sugar in it?

No, I always
drink it black.

Say, what am I talking about?
That's what I was wondering.

How about a nice bicarbonate
of soda with an egg in it?

It does wonders.

He doesn't understand.

You want the strippers
on the right or the left?

I hardly need them, Gerald.

I can take this boy
with a deck of visiting cards.

Best to be on the safe side.

High card cuts on the outside,
cold hands in the middle.

(SINGING)
Cold hands I loved...

Blue readers on the outside,
red nearest the heart.

I could play
the whole ship with these.

Hello, Harry.
Hello, Gerald.

Hello, Jean.
Greetings, my little minx.

I hope I find you well,
and that your little pal
hasn't fallen overboard.

With our $600.

He's all right.
He's just gone to
dress for dinner.

Then I think
you'd better do the same,

because we are going to play
a little cards tonight.

And I don't mean old maid.
I think Charles is
in love with me.

No.
Yes.

Of course
he's in love with you.

Who is he not to be in love
with you who have beautified
the North Atlantic?

Better men than he...
No, I mean
on the level, Harry.

Are you suggesting
that the others were
on the bias?

Oh, stop kidding.

I'm not kidding.
I was never more delighted.

You have as usual taken...
No. You don't get the point.
I like him, too.

Why shouldn't you like him?

There's as fine a specimen
of the Sucker sapiens
as I've have ever seen.

There's a man
who does card tricks.
There's a sap...

I think he's going to
ask me to marry him.

No.
No.

Yes.
That's wonderful, Jean.

No wonder you are blushing.

And that fortunate young man.
Fortunate, indeed.

Can't you hear
his pulses pounding?

His ears must be ringing
like telephone bells.

His hands are
clammy with excitement.

He won't know
an ace from a deuce.

You weren't thinking
of taking him, Harry?

Well, what were
you thinking of?

I don't think
you understand, either of you.

This is on the up-and-up.

I think I'm in love with
the poor fish, snakes and all.

Oh, I don't know.
He's kind of touched
something in my heart.

And I'd give a lot to be...

Well, I mean, I'm going
to be exactly the way
he thinks I am.

The way
he'd like me to be.

I'm sure
that's very noble, Jean.

And I wish you
all the happiness
in the world,

all the little boys
and all the little girls
you want.

And you'll go straight, too,
won't you, Harry?

Straight to where?
Oh, you know what I mean.

You can come and live with us.
And you, too, Gerald.

Well, part of the time,
anyway.

We'll probably have
a very beautiful place.
Think how peaceful you can be.

Playing cribbage
with Gerald.

I can just see myself
roaming around your estate

with a weedsticker
and 50 cents a week,

and a pair of
new slippers for Christmas.

The trouble with
people who reform is,

they always want to rain on
everybody else's parade, too.

You tend to knitting.
I'll play cards.
Not with him.

Do you happen to remember
that sucker has $500
of ours in his pocket?

Six hundred.

I suppose you could
take that back.

You bet I could,
and a little dividend
along with it.

Oh, no.
Oh, yes.

Oh, no.
Oh, yes!

You'll find out I can play
a little cards myself.

You think so?

I know so.
I'm not your daughter
for free, you know.

Give me a pack of those.
You'll find out.

Children don't respect
their parents anymore.

Well, I haven't been quite
as lucky tonight
as usual, have I?

You don't know
how lucky you've been.

The Colonel has been drawing
wonderful cards.

I believe it's my deal.

I'm sorry, I guess
I haven't got my mind
on the game.

I noticed that.

How much are you behind?

Oh, about $3,000.

Well, well, well.
You've given me
a good hand at last.

I'm glad you like it.

Well, you'll have to be
pretty good to beat me, sir.

I'll open for $100.

Nevertheless,
I'll raise you $100.

Too good for me.

I'm afraid I'll have
to raise you $100.

Well, you must have
something pretty good.

Still...

Excuse me.

Still...

I'll raise you $100.

I'm sorry to see you lose your
money, sir, but I can't let
that challenge go unanswered.

And $100.

Well, you're making me
very nervous.

But I must raise you $200.

A Pike doesn't know
the meaning of
the word "fear".

And $100.

A Harrington doesn't know
the meaning of
the word "defeat".

And $200.
What are you doing?

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I thought I'd given you
six cards.

Far from it, my little minx.

Far from it.

And $100.

Gracious, I wonder if
I have enough money with me.

Oh, yes, plenty, plenty.

I'll raise you $1,000.

I don't want to
win so much from you,

but I'll call you
just to show you
how hopeless it is.

Cards?

Not unless you have
another queen, which I doubt.

Well, I'll see what I can do.

Well, what do you know
about that?

I thought at least
one of you had four aces.

I'll check my four queens,
sir. What have you?

I regret to say
that I was bluffing.

Spare me the shame
of showing you on what.

Oh, say, I'm embarrassed.
Maybe I should have
laid my cards down.

You don't think he minds,
do you? Father loves to lose.

How do you stand now?
Oh, just about $1,000 behind.

You're going to stop
right there.

I'll meet you on
A-Deck in five minutes.

But I want your word of honor
that you won't play
even one more hand.

You have it.

Know any more games, Harry?

Wonderful girl.
Yes, isn't she?

I...

I don't know
whether you noticed,

but if you have
no objections, it was...

It was my intention to

ask Miss Harrington...
I mean, your daughter

(CLEARS THROAT)

to be mine.

Why, my dear boy.
You see me astonished.

Why, that was the last thing
that entered my mind.

Bless my soul.
Let's have a drink on that.

Steward, two drinks.

Well, I'm all emotional.
Thank you, sir.

To say that I am thunderstruck
is an understatement.

She'll probably
turn you down,
but anyway...

I intend to make her
as happy as I can.

She asks very little.

I suppose you know
I'm very rich.

Aren't we all?

I'm sorry in a way
because it would be
so pleasant

to buy lovely nonsensities
for somebody
who'd never had them.

Wouldn't it? That's
the tragedy of the rich.
They don't need anything.

You know, as a matter of fact,
Charles, I don't even like
winning $1,000 from you.

Oh, my dear sir,
it isn't a drop in the ocean.

Why, every time
the clock ticks, 14 people
swig a bottle of Pike.

I don't know why,
but there you are.

It's the principle of
the thing that bothers me.

A father who wins from
his own son-in-law,
how does that look?

Here, let's wipe out
that $1,000.
Double or nothing.

Well, I promised Jean
I wouldn't play anymore.

This isn't playing.
This is undoing an absurdity.

Here, $1,000.
High card takes it. Go ahead.

Why... Well...

Darn it all.
Now we'll have to try again.

That's $2,000 I owe you.
For the moment.

I wish you wouldn't
do that.

I'm sure if you tried
once more...

No, thanks. I'd rather
pay $32,000 than lose
a really large amount.

This is very embarrassing.
Just make it out to cash.

It could be
even more embarrassing.

Thirty-two thousand

dollars and no cents.

Don't mention the middle name.
I wouldn't want
Jean to know it.

As a matter of fact,
I'd prefer

if you wouldn't tell
Jean anything about
the whole transaction.

You may depend upon it.
You certainly may!

You promised me
you wouldn't play anymore.

Well, we didn't play
anymore, Jean.

We were just
wiping out my loss.
You need a keeper!

Now that you've taught
Charles not to play
double or nothing,

what are you gonna do
with that check?

Just this, my pretty child.

You mean it was just a joke?
Why, of course.

You don't actually think
I'd bleed my own daughter's
friend, do you?

Perish the thought!
Come on!

Good night.

Your check, sir.

That was a terrible lesson
the Colonel almost taught me.

Yeah, he's a great joker.

He certainly had me fooled.

Gee, you look lovely.
Thank you.

I...

I spoke to your father
about something.

Did you?
Yes.

Would you like to go up
in the bow of the boat
and stand in the wind?

I'd love to.

The air is good, isn't it?
It makes you feel
all clean inside and nice.

Don't move.
What?

I've just
understood something.

You see, every time
I've looked at you
here on the boat,

it wasn't only here
I saw you. You seemed
to go way back.

I know that isn't clear,
but I saw you here,

and at the same time
further away,
and then still further away,

and then very small,
like converging
perspective lines.

No, that isn't it.

It's like people
following each other
in a forest glade.

Only way back there,
you're a little girl

with short dresses
and your hair falling
to your shoulders,

and a little boy
is standing with you,
holding your hand.

In the middle distance,
I'm still with you,
not holding your hand anymore

because it isn't manly,
but wanting to.

And then still further,
we look terrible.

You with your legs like a colt
and mine like a calf.

What I'm trying to say is,

only I'm not a poet,
I'm an ophiologist,

I've always loved you.

I mean I've never loved
anyone but you.

I know that sounds dull
as a drugstore novel,

and what I see inside
I'll never be able
to cast into words,

but that's what I mean.

I wish we were married
and on our honeymoon now.

So do I.

But it isn't as simple
as all that, Hopsie.

I'm terribly in love,
and you seem to be, too,

so one of us has to think
and try and keep things clear.

Maybe I can do that
better than you can.

They say a moonlit deck
is a woman's business office.

Are you the purser?
Just a moment.
Mr. Klink, please.

You the purser?
Yes. What is it, please?

I want to ask you
a hypothermical question.

Maybe that would be better
to ask the doctor.

Never mind the wisecracks.

What I want the dope on
is this,

if there happened to be a gang
of card sharks on this tub...

Not so loud, please.

In the first place,
there isn't,
and in the second place...

What I want to know is,
could you prove it
if there was?

A passenger is a passenger,
my friend.

If he pays for his ticket
and doesn't steal
the ship's towels,

who are we to
go slandering him?

You don't happen to be
a mouthpiece, do you?

You talk like a law school.

I was admitted to the bar,
if that's what
you're talking about.

Well, the drinks are on
you, baby. I watch out for
the kid, see, the Pike kid.

I watch out for him,
and you're gonna
watch out for him,

or you'll be right
on the beach selling popcorn.
You get me?

His old man knows
your president. A wire
from me is all it takes.

And when Old Man Pike
goes into action,
you'll be in the side pocket.

All I gotta do is...
You needn't try
to intimidate me,

Mr...
Murgatroyd to you.

Troygamoyd.
If I should discover
that Mr. Pike

was in any danger
of being swindled,

I might have some photographs,
confidential, of course,

of some of the better-known,
alleged professional
card players.

Not that I admit
there are any on this ship.
You understand?

No, they're swimming
alongside in the water.

Come in.

Good morning.
Good morning, Harry.

Think you're pretty smart,
don't you?
You know I had to.

You're such an old scoundrel.
You'd skin me
if you had the chance.

Aren't you ashamed
of yourself?

Are you really
in love with this mug?

Don't you think it a little
bit dangerous? I don't mean
for us, I mean for your heart.

They're apt to be
slightly narrow-minded,
these righteous people.

A man who couldn't forgive
wouldn't be much of a man.

What about his family?
Well...

You're going to tell him
who we are, of course,
before you marry him?

I presume
he's offered you marriage.
Of course he did.

And you're going to tell him.
Of course.

But you're not going
to tell him till
you get off the boat.

You'd have to be fair
to Gerald and to me.

Naturally.

I hope
you'll never be unhappy.

I hope I'll never be
more unhappy
than I am right now.

He's waiting for you?

And you're in a hurry
to get to him?

Aha.

Then I'll leave you.

(WHISTLING)

(BELL RINGING)

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

Good morning.

Oh, what do you want?

How much you lose last night?
Nothing. Why?

You see?

There's something screwy
somewhere. This is
a gang of sharpies.

Sherlock Holmes.

What's the matter,
did you lose?

The guy lets me win
a few fish for a change.

So you get twice
as suspicious, huh?
That's right.

You ought to put handles on
that skull. Maybe you could
grow geraniums in it.

Yeah? Well, get a load
of this and see what
you can grow in it.

Gratitude! That's what you get
for saving a guy's life.

Philo Vance.

If you didn't happen
to lose any money
last night, Mr. Pike,

I would prefer
you didn't look in there.

I didn't lose any.

Then there's only one other
possibility. They might be
aiming at higher game.

What are you talking about?

You haven't fallen in love,
have you?

What's it got to do with you?

Look at the photograph.

I'll take the consequences.
Good morning, sir.

Straight Scotch.
Yes, sir.

Why, Hopsie.

What are you doing
at the bar at this hour?

Good morning.
Morning, darling.

You look like the last grave
over near the willow.

Are you worried
about something?

Should I be?
Of course you should,

falling in love with a girl
in the middle of an ocean.

You see, Hopsie,
you don't know
very much about girls.

The best ones
aren't as good as
you probably think they are,

and the bad ones
aren't as bad.

Not nearly as bad.

So I suppose
you're right to worry,

falling in love with
an adventuress
on the high seas.

Are you an adventuress?
Of course, I am.
All women are.

They have to be.

If you waited for a man
to propose to you
from natural causes,

you'd die of old maidenhood.

That's why I let you try my
slippers on, and then I put
my cheek against yours,

then I made you
put your arms around me,

and then l...

I fell in love with you,
which wasn't in the cards.

Jean.
Yes, darling?

What's that?

You'd better look.

Rotten likeness, isn't it?

I never cared
for that picture.

Good morning, Miss Harrington.
Breakfast? Melon,
grapefruit, orange juice?

Just some coffee, please.
Yes, indeed.

Please don't look
so upset, darling.

I was going to tell you
when we got to New York.

I would have told you
last night,

only it wouldn't have been
fair to Harry and Gerald.

I mean, you never know

how someone's going
to take things like that.

Well...

Maybe I wanted you to love me
a little more, too.

You believe me, don't you?

You don't think
I was going to marry you
without telling you?

You don't think
that badly of me.

Or do you?

Why didn't you let your father
rob me last night?

If you didn't believe what
I just told you, you wouldn't
believe that, either.

You wouldn't understand.

Anyway, I'm...

I'm glad you got the picture
this morning
instead of last night,

if that means anything to you.

It should.

You thought you were having
a lot of fun with me,
didn't you?

I was having a lot of fun
with you, Hopsie.

More fun than
I've ever had with anybody.

You were certainly very funny
showing Harry
how to palm a card.

You were
pretty funny yourself.
When?

Trying to play me for a sucker
when they told me who you were

the morning after I met you.

Who told you?
Never mind who told me.

You mean you were
playing me for a sucker?

I don't believe it.

But if you were,

if you were just trying
to make me feel
cheap and hurt me,

you succeeded handsomely.

You ought to be very proud
of yourself, Mr. Pike.

Very proud of yourself.

STEWARD: Your coffee, miss.

(SOBBING)

There, there, there.

My gracious.

You know, you shouldn't draw
to an inside straight.

I hate that mug.
I hate him.

There, there.

(HORN BLARING)

When I think we let that
sucker off scot free,
it makes my blood boil.

I told you not to
mix business with pleasure.

I won't again,
you can believe me.

However, scot free
is perhaps an exaggeration.

How did you do it?

Don't you remember?
He showed me how
to palm things?

With two strokes
of a hot iron,
it'll come out like new.

I feel a lot better already.

(PEOPLE SHOUTING)

Come on, baby!
Roll to sweet Pappy!
Roll them heels!

He took it too wide.
He'll be all right.

He only faltered
a moment there.

In a pig's neck,
he'll be all right.

Come on to Pappy!
Pappy needs them guineas!

Keep it down to a riot,
will you?

Oh, baby, don't do that!

What I can't understand is
how he finished fifth.

There were only
five horses in the race.

What do you expect
when you bet on a goat
called "After you?"

Pardon me,
but is this seat taken?

My dear Harry. Bless my soul.
William at the moment.

William, of course.

I'm enchanted to see you
again, my dear William.

And you, Gerald.
And the little lady as
pretty as a pack of aces.

Hello, Pearlie.
Sir Alfred at the moment,
my pretty child.

Sir Alfred McGlennan
Keith at your service.

Well, you're certainly a sight
for lame peepers.

Do you know, I've seen nobody,
absolutely not a soul,

in our set of course,
I mean, since the boats
stopped running?

What's your pitch, Pearlie?
Sir Alfred.

I have a little nest
on the edge of a town
called Bridgefield,

a town that's full
of millionaires.

It's in the heart of
the contract bridge belt,
a wonderful game.

Bridgefield, Connecticut?
Precisely.

I have my dogs.
I have my horses.

I have my little house.
I have my antiques.

We play a little game here
and a little game there,

then we play somewhere else.

Sometimes my luck is good.
Sometimes my luck is better.

And what with one thing
and another, my dear chap,

what a dream.

How do you meet them?
The chumps?

Oh, my dear fellow, when
one's name is Sir Alfred
McGlennan Keith, RFD,

one doesn't have to meet them.
One fights them off
with sticks.

Then again, just think,
there's no hurry.

You have them
by the year like a lease.
Pearlie.

Tell me,
do you know the Pikes?

What do you care if he does?
Oh, do I know them?

I positively swill in
their ale. Good old Horace.
Oh, what a card player.

Do you know Charles?

Is he the tall, backward boy
who's always toying
with toads and things?

Yes, I think I have
seen him skulking about.

He isn't backward.
He's a scientist.

Oh, is that what it is?
Well, I knew he was peculiar.

Well, it's charming to have
seen you again. Now,
what have we in the fifth?

Say, Pearlie.
Yes?

Could I visit you sometime?
Could you visit me sometime?

As your niece.
As my niece?

My dear girl,
there's only one thing.
You'd have to be English.

I've been English before.

I shall be as English
as necessary.

Why don't you stop
talking nonsense?

Because I want to see
that guy. I've got some
unfinished business with him.

I need him like
the ax needs the turkey.

(BELL RINGING)

Better go make your bets.

(SINGING) Come, landlord,
fill the flowing bowl

Until it doth run over

For tonight we'll merry,
merry be

For tonight we'll merry,
merry be

For tonight we'll merry,
merry be

Tomorrow we'll be sober

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Black tie or white tie?
You wear a green one
for all I care.

What party is that?
Who's giving it?

Oh, we are.

Well, it's funny they wouldn't
say something to me about it.

Yeah, this is
Mr. Pike speaking.

Mr. Who? I don't get it.

I'll probably meet you
at the party tonight, anyhow.

By the way,
what time is it? Thanks.

Nuthouse.

(WHISTLING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Hey, where is everybody?

Where's my breakfast?

"Crest: A lion couchant
guardant or

"holding between the paws
an escutcheon sable

"charged with a cock proper.

"Motto: Hyphen,
sic erat in fatis."

Here, you do it.
Nonsense, Emile.

It's perfectly simple.

Second and third,
a fess dancette between
three crosses crosslet.

Crosses crosslet.
That's right.

Horses horselet.
Emile.

Nutses nutslet!
Remember who you are!

(EXCLAIMING)

Yes, sir?
When do I eat?

They must have overlooked you
in the rush for the party,
Mr. Pike.

I'll get you
something right away.
It's about time.

You'll regret this day,
my lad.

Oh, that's all very well.

Where's the snake food?
Oh, get it yourself, Ambrose!

Lay off the Ambrose, will you?
Why don't you shave
in your room?

I'll thank you to keep
your remarks to yourself,
Mr. Murgatroyd.

What's the matter with him?

Where's the snake food?
In the icebox.

Where do you think it is?
In the gules?

What's the matter
with everybody?

The master's breakfast,
please, Mr. Burrows.

Yes, well, you can take it up
with somebody else.

What did I do?

Hey, you!

Come here.

While you're inside...
No speak.

If that's the knife sharpener,

take him around to the back.
Yes, ma'am.

You just sit there quietly,
and I'll be back
before you can say...

Piano?

What do you want?
Where's the piano, kindly?

Well, where do
you think it is,
out here on the lawn?

I'll show you.
Yes, and don't forget
to come back.

Say, Burrows.
Yes, sir.

Good morning, sir.

You haven't seen a little,
brown Crotalus colubrinus,
have you?

With pink spots.
I rejoice to say
that I have not, sir.

That's all I'd be needing
this morning. Thank you, sir.

Okay. And try and keep off
the grass. Next!

Where'd you get that thing?

Good evening, my man.
How are you?

Come on, lady.
We're holding up the traffic.

Come, my dear.
Right you are, Glenny. Coming.

And keep off the grass. Next!

Just here, Your Ladyship.

Good evening, Burrows.
Sir Alfred.

Yeah.

Your Ladyship.
Your Ladyship.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

The Lady Eve Sidwich

and Sir Alfred
McGlennan Keith.

Welcome, my dear.
Good evening.

Sir Alfred.
Hello, hello, hello!

How are you, Glenny?
Glad to see you,
you old rascal.

Horace, my lad.
My niece Lady Sidwich.

How do you do?

Well, for heaven's sakes,
this is a surprise, Miss...

Say, what do I call you?

Well, Horace,
I should think you'd know.

Oh, please. Just call me Eve.
Just plain Eve.

Isn't that wonderful?

You're just the kind of a girl
I've been looking for
all my life.

We'll get this over
with quick,

and you and I
will have a little drink.

Ripping.
Just the word for it.
Come on.

I hope Horace
won't frighten her to death.

How long has she
been in America?
Three days.

Three days, and to meet
Horace right away.
Oh, I don't know.

How did she come over?
I didn't know
the boats were running.

A battleship.
A battleship?

Well, actually, a cruiser.
But then
she must be very, very...

Oh, very.
Well.

(FROGS CROAKING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Oh, dear. Naturally,
I was frightfully anxious
to see Uncle Alfred,

and as I didn't know
just where Connecticut was,

I took the tube.

The subway.

And to the official, I said,
"Be so good as to
let me off at Connecticut."

You see, I thought we'd have
the boxes sent up in
a dray later that afternoon.

PIKE: The what?
Trunks on a truck.

So he said,

"Lady, I don't know
where Connecticut is,

"but this train
goes to Harlem."

But I don't know
how he knew I was a lady!

So I said, "Do you think
I'd do better on a tram?"

And he said, "Well, now,
you couldn't do worse."

So I thanked him
and returned to the street.

Oh, but I must say,
I felt an awful fool.

Then how did you get here?
I took a taxi.

From New York?
Oh, yes.

Oh, Charlie,
I want you to meet
Lady Eve Sidwich.

How do you do?
Go on. Go on.

The chauffeur said
it wasn't far,
and I said, "Very well."

But I must say,
the city seemed enormous.

MAN: At 20 cents a mile.

Isn't your son feeling well?

What's the matter with you?
Well, I mean to say...

Haven't we met?
But of course we have.

Your father
just introduced us.

Aren't you feeling well?

Sure.
Oh, I'm so sorry.

You meant, hadn't you met me
before someplace.

Yes.
Very probably.

Let me see.
Where could it have been?

Deauville?
No.

Biarritz?
No.

I know! Le Touquet!

You had a moustache
at the time,

and you tried to meet me
at a dance in the casino.

No.
I give up.

PIKE: Let's have a drink.

It couldn't have been on
the SS Southern Queen

between here
and South America, could it?

Oh, I'm afraid not.
You see, I've never been
in South America.

You've never been
in South America.

She's never been
in South America.

As a matter of fact, I've
never been in North America
until about three days ago.

Oh, you haven't?

Well, you weren't on the
SS Southern Queen.

Say, what's the matter
with you?

I'm sorry.

Were you in love with her?

He was in love with her,
but he don't remember
what she looked like.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Don't let them tease you.
You can tell me all about her.

Well, on some days,
my son seems brighter
than others.

Well, I don't know
what she looked like,

but if she looked anything
like you, here's to her.

Thank you.

(GUESTS CHATTERING)

It was a white one
with enormous teeth.

Dinner is served, madam.
Thank you, Burrows.

Dinner, Horace.
Come on.
Let's put on the feedbag.

Take my arm,
and we'll fight
our way through.

Charming. Simply charming.

Did you hurt yourself?
No, I'm fine.

Oh, I just...

You haven't been hitting
the bottle lately, have you?

Of course he hasn't.
Anybody's apt to trip.

Not over a sofa.

That sofa's been there for
15 years, and no one
ever fell over it before.

Oh, well,
now the ice is broken.

You go upstairs and take
a bath, and I'll like you
just as much as ever.

There's a good boy.

Toodle-oo.

So long.

That's the same dame.

She looks the same,
she walks the same

and she's tossing you
just like she done
the last time.

She doesn't talk the same.
Anybody can put on an act.

(MIMICS SPEAKING IN GERMAN)

Guess who I am.

Weren't her eyes
closer together?
They were not.

They were right
where they are,
on each side of her nose.

Why should she do it?
I don't know.

Maybe she wants you
to fall for her again.

Do I look that dumb?
You wouldn't be
the first one.

I knew a guy married
the same dame three times,

then turned around
and married her aunt.

No. They look too much alike.

You said it.
There couldn't be two...
You don't understand me.

They look too much alike
to be the same.

That's what
I've been telling you.

They...

If she came here with her hair
dyed yellow and eyebrows
different or something.

What's hair to a skirt?
I used to go with
a little Eskimo dame and...

But she didn't dye her hair,
and she didn't pretend

she'd never seen me before,
which is the first thing
anybody'd do.

She says I look familiar.
Why shouldn't you?
You was on the boat...

Because if I did,
she wouldn't admit it.

If she didn't look so exactly
like the other girl,
I might be suspicious.

But you don't
understand psychology.

If you wanted to pretend
you were somebody else,

you'd glue a muff
on your chin,

and the dog
wouldn't even bark at you.

You trying to tell me
this ain't the same rib
was on the boat?

She even wears
the same perfume.

I don't know.

It's the same dame.

Oh, there he is.

I had to change my coat.
Well, don't knock
the table over.

All right now?
Yeah, I'm fine.

Happens to
the best of us, you know.
I remember a night in Bombay.

Have you ever been in Bombay?
You're just there.

Have you ever been in Bombay?
I've been in Egypt.

Well, I remember a night
in Egypt, for that matter.

I was in a dahabeah
with a small party of friends,

and one day,
while shooting crocodiles...

You missed
some very nice soup.
That's too bad.

The fish was a poem.
That's fine.

Did you hear
how the Lady Eve
got to this country?

How?
You must promise
not to tell a soul.

I won't.
In a submarine.

No. Is that so?

Do you know
that I find your son
very handsome?

No.
Yes, quite.

What's this?
Why don't you look
where you're going?

Why don't you keep
your nose out of
other people's business?

Quiet!
Listen, fisheye,

for two cents,
I'd smack you right...
Oh, pish tush.

(EXCLAIMS)

Why don't you look where...
Here, give me that.

What do you mean?
Come on.

So the deaf man said,
"What did you say?"

And the other passenger
said...

"I hear you buried your wife."

(ALL CHUCKLING)

So the deaf man said,
"I didn't quite hear you."

Over here.

What do you think
you're doing
in the dining room?

What does it look like
I'm doing?

So sorry, sir.
It's about time.

And then the other
passenger said...

Come on. Ladies first.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I thought he was
passing it to me.

Go on.

Will you throw that roughneck
out of here,
or will I have to?

With enthusiasm, sir.

That's the same dame.
I can tell by the way...

I'll take over from
here, Mr. Murgatroyd.

You and who else?
I said, I'll take over
from here, Ambrose.

Ambrose?
I said I'll take over
from here.

You have no right
in this room.

I said I'll take over from
here. You have no right
in the dining room.

Well, I'll be!

Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.

Excuse me.

Oh, dear. Again?

Why don't you put on
a bathing suit?

And then the countryman said,
"But dash it all, mister.

"If I muss the moss,
I'll miss the mass.

"And I've never been
behind before, besides."

It was absolutely priceless.

Ripping.
You mean top-hole.

(GUESTS CHATTERING)

There you are, laddie,
and very nice, too.

Did you purchase it locally?
It's the last one.

Anything happens to this,
I'll have to wear
a bath towel.

Oh, don't let it depress you,
laddie. Worse things happen
in the best families.

I remember
an incident in Calcutta...

I hope your niece
doesn't think I'm a half-wit.

Oh, bumblepuppy. Why,
she's used to having
young men fall for her.

You know, I think
that's rather neat
for a nobleman.

No, it's just that
this girl on the boat.
There was a girl on a boat?

She looked so exactly
like your niece.

Did she have
the McGlennan eyes?
The cornflower blue?

I think so.

Then you must never mention
a word of this to a soul.

What do you mean?

You're rattling the skeleton
in our family closet.

I'm afraid you've stumbled on
the sorrow of Sidwich,
the secret of the century.

I don't quite follow.

Meet me in yonder window
embrasure, and look as
though you know nothing.

You see, the Earl was
considerably older
than her mama,

who must never be
mentioned again.

It was a sort of
May-November romance.

Even a March-December,
if you follow me.

She'd die of shame
if she thought I told you,

except that she doesn't
know it herself.

Hasn't the slightest suspicion
of it, in fact.

You see, into the gulf
that separated
this unfortunate couple,

there was a coachman
on the estate, a gay dog.

A great hand with the horses
and the ladies.
Need I say more?

A coachman?
Yes. You know a man
who drives horses.

I know what a coachman is...
They called him
"Handsome Harry".

"Handsome Harry"?

The father of
the girl on the boat.
Of course it is.

The father of the other child.
After the divorce, of course.

But they looked
exactly alike.

We must close our minds
to that fact,

as it brings up the dreadful
and thoroughly
unfounded suspicion

that we must carry
to our tombs,
as it is utterly untenable,

that the coachman
in both instances...
Need I say more?

He did! I mean, he was!

Do you want to bring the walls
tumbling down about our ears?

Silence to the grave
and even beyond.

Oh, there you are in your
nice white coat. Would you
like to come and talk to me?

I certainly would.

And I want to apologize
for seeming so clumsy tonight.

Oh, that's quite all right.

As a matter of fact,
I rather enjoyed it.
I'm not that way all the time.

Well, of course you're not.
Now where should we go?

Oh, there's a conservatory.
Jolly.

What's the matter?
Oh, I'm caught.

I'm glad it's not
my fault this time.
There you are. All clear.

Entirely disgraceful.

I've never seen such a farce
in a respectable house.

If I didn't hate him so much,
I would've felt sorry for him.

He certainly took
some nice falls.

And he's gonna
take a lot more, too.

Do you know why
he didn't recognize me?

Yes.
No, you don't.

I hardly recognized
him myself.

He seemed shorter and bonier.

It's because we don't
love each other anymore.

You see, on the boat
we had an awful yen
for each other,

so I saw him as
very tall and very handsome,

and he probably thought
I had big melting eyes
and a rosebud mouth

and a figure like
Miss Long Beach,
the dream of the fleet.

And so you have,
for that matter.

But I took
the further precaution
of telling him the plot

of "Cecilia,
or the Coachman's Daughter",

a gaslight melodrama.

No.
Yes.

I've got to protect myself,
too, you know. I've got a
shouting interest round here.

So I filled him full of
handsome coachmen,
elderly earls,

young wives and
the two little girls
who looked exactly alike.

You mean,
he actually swallowed that?
Like a wolf.

Well, now you've got him,
what're you gonna do with him?

Finish what I started.

I'm going to dine with him,
dance with him, swim with him,

laugh at his jokes,
canoodle with him,

and then one day,
about six weeks from now...

Some red roses
for Your Ladyship.

Oh, who could they be from?
Mr. Charles Pike,
Your Ladyship.

Oh, the brewer's son.
Oh, rather long, aren't they?

Oh, just pop them in
the umbrella stand, would you?

Very good, milady.
Thank you.

I'll probably talk like
a cockeyed duchess
the rest of my life.

It won't even take six weeks.

One day about
two weeks from now,
we'll be riding in the hills,

past waterfalls
and mountain greenery,

up and down ravines
and around through
vine-covered trails

till we come to a spot
where the scenery
will be so gorgeous,

it will rise up and smite me
on the head like a hammer.

And the sunset will be
so beautiful I'll have to
get off my horse to admire it.

And as I stand there
against the glory
of Mother Nature,

my horse will steal up
behind me and nuzzle my hair.

And so will Charles, the heel.

Stop that.
Must I?

Oh, sorry.
I thought it was the horse.
No, it was me.

Eve?
Yes, Charles?

I suppose you know
what I'm thinking about.

Possibly I have an idea.

The union of
two people for life,

that is, marriage,
shouldn't be taken lightly.

How wise you are.

Men, that is,
lots of men are more careful
in choosing a tailor

than they are in
choosing a wife.

That's probably
why they look so funny.

No dear, they're more careful
in choosing a tailor
than in choosing a wife.

Oh, but not you, Charles.
That's right.

I think that if
there's one time
in your life to be careful,

to weigh every pro and con,

that this is the time.
Oh, yes,
you can't be too careful.

That's right.

Now, you might think that
having known you
such a short time...

I feel I've known you always.

That's the way
I feel about you.

(HORSE WHINNYING)

I don't just see you here

in front of the sunset,
but you seem to go way back.

I see you here and,
at the same time,

further away and
still further away
and way, way back

in a long place like a...

Like a forest glade?
That's right.
How did you guess?

Because that's where
I see you always.
We held hands way, way back.

That's remarkable.
That's like telepathy.

I can read
many of your thoughts.

Well, then I need
hardly tell you
of the doubts I've had

before I brought myself
to speak like this.

You see, Eve,
you're so beautiful.

You're so fine. You're so...
I don't deserve you.

Oh, but you do, Charles.

If anybody ever deserved me,
you do.

So richly.

Eve.
Charles.

(HORSE SNORTING)

But you can't do that!

You'll get us all
into trouble.

You'll jeopardize what has
taken me years to build up.

I'll certainly
telephone your father.

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

Did she look pretty?
She did, eh?

Well, thanks, Pearlie.

Very depressing having
your own daughter married,
and not be there.

Especially under
an assumed name.
Is that legal?

Seems to be.

Women change their names
so much anyway,
it doesn't seem to matter.

But why did she do it?
Maybe to teach him a lesson.

How? All she said is,

"You'll see.
Wait till the time comes,
and it won't be long now."

And now
she's honeymooning on a train
with a man she hates.

Maybe she's going
to shoot him.

She's afraid of guns.

Maybe she's going to push him
out of the window.

No. You can't open
a window on a train.

(TRAIN HORN BLARING)

Come in.

Hello.
Hello.

It's cozy, isn't it?

Oh, you poor darling.
Oh, did you hurt yourself?

It's all right.
Oh, put it right there.

Oh, come sit down.

Oh, poor darling.
Are you all right?

What are you laughing at?

Oh, it's nothing, darling.
It's just that
it's so different.

It reminds me
of that other time.
What time was that?

Oh, I must be
a little bit hysterical.

You see,
we didn't have any money,
so we went third class,

and there was a farmer on
the opposite bench
with a cheese in his lap.

Haven't you ever noticed
I never eat cheese?
It was very unromantic.

Where were you going?
We eloped.

Who eloped?
Me. It was really
nothing, darling.

I was only 16 at the time.
You know how romantic
young girls are.

It wasn't of
the slightest importance,
I assure you.

I'm sorry I mentioned it.

Let's pretend I didn't.
Kiss me, and that's
all there is to it.

Now it's all finished,
isn't it?
Who did you elope with?

Oh, now I've planted a seed
in your mind. Are you sure
you want to know?

Oh, why don't we just
forget the whole thing?

Who was it?

Angus.
Angus?

Oh, I assure you, darling,
he was no one of
the slightest importance.

Oh, what a way
to make me spend
the wedding night.

He was just a groom
on Father's estate.
A groom!

Well, not really
the groom, of course.

He put on the groom's uniform
on his day off,

then he'd be
the groom that day.

The rest of the time
he was just a stable boy.

Stable boy?
Yes, the boy who
cleans up the stables.

Oh, you mean you don't think
much of my choice.

Well, he didn't look
so bad, darling,
in the groom's uniform

with the tight pants
and the boots

with the yellow tops
and that little, fat silk hat.

Don't you think they're cute?
I do not.

Oh, now you're upset.

Oh, dear,
I never know when to keep
my mouth closed.

I was always taught
to be frank and honest.

Oh, it was nothing, darling.
Nothing at all.

We ran away,
but they caught us
and brought us back.

And that's all
there was to it,
except they discharged him.

Good.

When they brought you back,
it was before nightfall,
I trust.

Oh, no.
You were out all night?

Oh, my dear,
it took them weeks
to find us.

You see, we'd made up
different names at the
different inns we stayed at.

Oh, you'd die laughing
at some of the names
we thought of.

I remember there was one...
Yes, I'm sure I would.

Oh, now you're upset.

Eve.
Yes, darling?

If there's one thing
that distinguishes
a man from a beast,

it's the ability to
understand, and
understanding, forgive.

Surely the qualities of
mercy, understanding

and sweet forgiveness...
Sweet what?

Sweet forgiveness!

Oh.

I won't conceal from you
that I wish
this hadn't happened.

But it has, and so it has.

A girl of 16 is
practically an idiot anyway,

so I can't very well
blame you for something

that was practically
done by somebody else.

I want to thank you
for being so frank.

The name of Angus
will never cross
my lips again,

and I hope that
you will do likewise.

Now let us smile
and be as we were.

I knew you'd be that way.

I knew it the first moment
I saw you standing beside me.

I knew you'd be
both husband and father to me.

I knew I could trust
and confide in you.

I suppose that's why
I fell in love with you.

Thank you.

I wonder if now
would be the time
to tell you about Herman.

Herman. Herman?
Who was Herman?

Vernon?
I thought you said Herman!

Vernon was Herman's friend.
What a friend.

Cecil?
It's pronounced "Cehcil".

What did you say, dear?

I said,
"How do you mean
Hubert or Herbert?"

They were
John's twin cousins.
John! Who was John?

CONDUCTOR: Board!

(TRAIN HORN BLOWING)

But that's unheard of.
That's what lawyers are for.

He says...
Who says?

I don't know.
I naturally presumed
it was her lawyer.

But he says she says
she won't have anything
to do with lawyers.

That's entirely irregular.
Well, it's a thought.

I tell you, I won't
see any lawyers!

But these things
are always handled by lawyers.

Well, this is one time
it isn't going to be.

This is entirely between
my husband and myself.

Poppycock.
What's the matter with you?

They want to make
a settlement.

They'll give you half
when you leave for Reno.

And the balance
at the end of six weeks.
Name your own price.

For once that we have a chance
to make some honest money...

Oh, tell him to go
peel an eel.

I don't think you realize
the beauty of your situation.

You're holding a royal flush.
You've got him
right by the ears.

You know, I had nothing to
do with this arrangement.

But now that you're in it,
you might as well go...

Will you let me
speak with Mr. Pike, please?

She's on the phone.
She wants to talk to Mr. Pike.

We can't allow that.
That's entirely irregular.

Shut up.

Will you talk to her?
I'll rot
before I'll talk to her.

Mr. Pike,
I advise you against...
Lay off.

Hello, Eve.
This is Horace talking.

Hello, darling.

I'm awfully sorry
about the trouble
I've made you all.

I thought I had a reason,
but now...

Well, I...

I just wanted
to tell you this.

I won't see any lawyers
because there's nothing
to see them about.

I don't want any money,
I don't want anything.

He can have back his jewelry
and anything else there is,

and I'll go to Reno
at my own expense.
I think that's only fair.

There's only one thing I want.

I want to see him first,
and I want him
to ask me to be free.

That's all.
No money, no nothing.

Only he has to come here
to ask me, because...

Well, there's

something I want to say to him
before we part.

Just a minute, Eve.

All she wants is
for you to go to New York
and ask her.

It's a trick!
Will you keep out of this?

Now that's all she wants.
When can you go?

Oh, that's all
she wants, is it?

You can tell her
if she's waiting for me
to ask her,

she can wait till
Havana freezes over,

and I'll tell you something
else you can tell her.

Quite right.
I'll have to
call you back, Eve.

He just stepped out
of the office for a minute.

I'll call you back.
Now you listen, you numbskull.

Go ahead and talk.
I'm listening.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello? Yes, Horace.
I'm sorry, Eve.

He won't do it.
I thought it was
a pretty fair offer.

As a matter of fact,
I think you're a sucker
to make it.

But he won't do it.

He seemed very bitter.
I'm sorry.

Let me speak to him.
Please, Horace!

I don't think
he'd talk to you, Eve.

And anyway,
he's gone to say
goodbye to his mother.

Where is he going?

No.

Thank you, Horace.

(CAR HONKING)

(HORN BLOWING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Why...

Why, Hopsie!
Hopsie?

Hopsie.
Jean.

I'm sorry, but if you knew
what it meant to me
to find you again.

Can we go to your cabin
or someplace?
Now just a minute.

Oh, Colonel, I'm delighted
o see you again.
We must play cards this trip.

Lots and lots of cards.
Steward, some champagne
for the Colonel.

Certainly, Mr. Pike.
Come on.

You really haven't the right
to drag me off
like this, Hopsie.

Are you sure we're on
the right boat, Sylvester?

Oh, why didn't you take me
in your arms that day?

Why did you let me go?

Why did we have to go through
all this nonsense?

Don't you know
you're the only man
I ever loved?

Don't you know I couldn't look
at another man if I wanted to?

Don't you know I waited
all my life for you,
you big mug?

Will you forgive me?
For what?

Oh, you mean, on the boat.
The question is,
can you forgive me?

What for?
Oh, you still
don't understand.

I don't want to understand.
I don't want to know.

Whatever it is,
keep it to yourself.
All I know is, I adore you.

I'll never leave you again.
And we'll work it out somehow.

There's just one thing.
I feel it's only fair
to tell you.

It would never have happened
except she looked
so exactly like you.

And I have no right
to be in your cabin.
Why?

Because I'm married.
But so am I, darling. So am I.

Positively the same dame.