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"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.
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Ugh! I just received
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the most massively inappropriate
text from Zander.
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00:00:07,587 --> 00:00:09,355
Yeah, I don't wanna hear it
and I don't wanna see it.
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00:00:09,389 --> 00:00:12,291
"Thinking of you. Smiley face."
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00:00:12,325 --> 00:00:15,694
How is that text inappropriate?
What, is his smiley face naked?
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No. We're broken up, okay?
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No one is smiling.
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And he shouldn't be sending
things like this.
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And you should be indignant for me.
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00:00:24,704 --> 00:00:26,372
How dare he.
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Why does he have to be so nice?
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00:00:29,442 --> 00:00:32,461
Why can't he just be a jerk
like every other ex-boyfriend?
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Okay, out of my way!
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Late city councilwoman coming through!
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Okay, bye-bye. Love everybody.
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- Hey, don't forget your coffee.
- No, no time for coffee.
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00:00:39,719 --> 00:00:42,304
Oh, why can't they just make
a damn caffeine patch?
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00:00:42,339 --> 00:00:45,557
Yeah, I know. Or like
a cup with maybe like a lid?
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Patch would be easier.
You just slap it on,
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and you're buzzed for a week.
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You're forgetting something else, too.
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00:00:50,513 --> 00:00:51,597
No, I have underwear on.
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It just seem less. Feel.
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That's very nice. That's very nice.
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I'm talking about the dress
you're gonna be wearing
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00:00:59,472 --> 00:01:00,472
to the press association dinner tonight.
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00:01:00,490 --> 00:01:01,523
I picked it up for you
at the dry cleaner's.
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00:01:01,574 --> 00:01:03,492
Oh, the press dinner's tonight.
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00:01:03,526 --> 00:01:06,345
- Thanks for reminding me. - Yeah,
it's gonna be your first opportunity
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to show off your new Longo-brand
arm candy in public.
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It's gonna be
a pretty sweet moment for you.
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Sounds like you'd rather be taking
yourself to this dinner tonight.
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Please, if I was dating me, we'd
never make it out the front door.
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Melissa & Joey 3x21 - Plus One
Original air date February 12, 2014
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Sync and corrections by atrn97g
for www.addic7ed.com
37
00:01:42,749 --> 00:01:45,284
Well, I'm glad Mr. Leeman
put us together.
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You're not like those other guys
who get all weird around me.
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No, I'm pretty much
just weird all the time,
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so it doesn't really stand out.
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Oh. Well, whatever you're
doing works for you.
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I should get home.
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I'll see you in class tomorrow?
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Yeah yeah, I'll grab us a table
by the eye-wash station.
45
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Those seats go fast.
46
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You know, I'm starting
to see the weirdness.
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She likes you.
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What?
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No, she... she's my lab partner.
50
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No no no.
She gave you the shoulder brush.
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- She likes you.
- What do you mean?
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When she walked out the door,
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she gave you the shoulder brush.
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She was marking you, buddy.
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"This one's mine."
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Joe, you seriously think that?
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I'm just not making this stuff up, pal.
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A girl gave me the shoulder brush once...
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we didn't come out of
her apartment for three days.
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Was it snowing or something?
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Oh! Oh.
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So you going to ask her out?
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Uh, no. That's not going to happen.
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She's... she's got a lot
of stuff going on in her life.
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- In fact, she's actually...
- I'm hearing a lot of excuses.
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If you could,
would you go out with her?
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Sure, but I don't think it would work.
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If you really want to,
you can make it work.
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00:02:53,586 --> 00:02:55,487
But, Joe, I don't think
you're hearing me.
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What I was trying to say is that...
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Dude, here comes another excuse.
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Shoulder brush... boom. Case closed.
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You know what... you're right.
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I will ask her out. Well, thanks, Joe.
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No need to thank me.
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00:03:07,266 --> 00:03:09,485
Just consider it a public service.
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I just gave you
a free scholarship, buddy,
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to the Longo institute of lady-loving.
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Don't tell your aunt that's
what I call that college.
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Yeah, understood.
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And this is my boyfriend, Joe Longo.
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Hello. Hi.
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He's a waiter.
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00:03:30,456 --> 00:03:33,225
I like showing you off.
Can't I be proud?
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She's right to be proud.
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Having a good-looking piece
of man meat on your mar
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never hurt a campaign.
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00:03:38,681 --> 00:03:39,681
Oh, sorry to call you "man meat."
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No, I'm okay with that.
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You're just calling it how you see it.
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Joe, you know Janey.
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00:03:43,686 --> 00:03:45,287
She's handling
my campaign for next year.
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00:03:45,305 --> 00:03:46,472
Absolutely. That's a smart move.
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She's got excellent taste in...
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In man meat.
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Actually, I'm a pescatarian.
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You and me both, baby.
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00:03:54,318 --> 00:03:56,038
Can I get you ladies
something from the bar?
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00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,283
Oh, no drinking for me.
This is a work event.
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00:03:58,317 --> 00:04:01,170
Put it in a water glass, keep it clear.
101
00:04:01,204 --> 00:04:02,588
She's good.
102
00:04:02,622 --> 00:04:04,590
Stealth Martini, coming right up.
103
00:04:04,624 --> 00:04:06,664
Hey, Mel, heads up. That
reporter from "The Herald,"
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00:04:06,676 --> 00:04:08,293
the one with the bad breath...
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00:04:08,328 --> 00:04:09,661
Okay, you're going to have
to be more specific.
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00:04:09,696 --> 00:04:11,597
Kind of garlicky smelling...
107
00:04:11,631 --> 00:04:13,348
No no no. Do you have a name?
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00:04:13,383 --> 00:04:15,267
Bill Nitski.
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00:04:15,301 --> 00:04:17,352
He's going to ask you about
Bellflower Concert Hall.
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The historical society's
making another run
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to save that precious dump.
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00:04:21,374 --> 00:04:22,508
But the developers want to tear it down.
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- So what you need to do is...
- Make everybody think
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- I'm on their side.
- So just charm him.
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00:04:26,446 --> 00:04:29,347
No sweat. Not my first time
at the butt-kissing rodeo.
116
00:04:32,318 --> 00:04:33,652
People ask me about Mel Burke,
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00:04:33,686 --> 00:04:35,237
and I say, "I don't know."
118
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So I gotta ask you the big question...
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Let me guess. Who am I wearing?
120
00:04:38,408 --> 00:04:40,526
I'd rather know what you're hiding.
121
00:04:40,543 --> 00:04:42,527
What's your opinion on Bellflower Hall?
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Well, Bill, you know,
people are passionate
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on both sides of this complicated issue.
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I'm not playing dodge ball, Burke.
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Tear down the concert hall... yes or no?
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Look, until we hear
from the mayor's commission,
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can anyone really say
what should be done?
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I can.
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Knock that old heap off the map.
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Give me a sledgehammer in five minutes.
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00:04:59,345 --> 00:05:01,263
- I'll do it myself.
- And you are?
132
00:05:01,314 --> 00:05:03,448
Oh, I'm Joe Longo. I'm Mel's boyfriend.
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00:05:03,483 --> 00:05:05,383
I'm just saying anyone with half a brain
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00:05:05,401 --> 00:05:07,385
can realize that rickety old heap
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is just begging to be
put out of its misery.
136
00:05:10,222 --> 00:05:11,557
You know, it's like a tumor-riddled dog,
137
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just looking towards death.
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00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:16,194
I mean, sure, everybody loves Fido,
139
00:05:16,229 --> 00:05:18,196
but at some point you gotta say,
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"Fido, there's a frisbee in
heaven with your name on it."
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00:05:22,669 --> 00:05:24,503
You know, one thing about Joe...
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he is sure handsome, isn't he?
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Thank you for inviting Joe, Mel.
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Talking to someone like Joe
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makes my job a lot easier.
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Seems like a nice fella.
147
00:05:37,517 --> 00:05:38,634
Anyone else you want me to talk to?
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I can really talk about anything.
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The middle east, religion...
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I'm gonna go do damage control.
151
00:05:46,693 --> 00:05:48,393
Why couldn't you date a cute guy
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who doesn't say anything?
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I mean, they're everywhere!
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Damage control? For what?
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Hmm.
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That's a new look on you.
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00:05:58,338 --> 00:06:01,473
You're almost smiling, but your...
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00:06:01,507 --> 00:06:03,308
your eyes are very angry.
159
00:06:03,343 --> 00:06:05,444
Listen to the eyes, Joe.
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00:06:08,648 --> 00:06:11,183
Okay, these are the three
latest "Cassandra" stories
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00:06:11,217 --> 00:06:12,317
for the web series.
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00:06:12,352 --> 00:06:13,335
Thanks for printing them out.
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00:06:13,356 --> 00:06:14,596
It's a 12-hour drive to Vermont,
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so this will give me something to read
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while my dad's yelling at talk radio.
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Reading on the road? Don't get carsick.
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00:06:20,593 --> 00:06:23,195
Aw, thanks. You still care about me.
168
00:06:23,229 --> 00:06:24,496
No, I just don't want you blowing chunks
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00:06:24,530 --> 00:06:26,231
all over my beautiful stories.
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Less sweet, but okay.
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00:06:29,352 --> 00:06:31,636
Well, here we are,
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00:06:31,654 --> 00:06:33,488
two exes...
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00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:35,440
One of them going away to college
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for months and months.
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00:06:38,244 --> 00:06:40,579
It's the big goodbye.
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00:06:40,613 --> 00:06:43,615
I don't know what to say.
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00:06:43,650 --> 00:06:46,218
How about "goodbye"?
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00:06:46,252 --> 00:06:48,520
Goodbye, yeah...
that's why you're the writer.
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00:06:48,554 --> 00:06:51,690
You're so good with words.
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00:06:51,724 --> 00:06:53,291
Goodbye, Lennox.
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00:06:53,326 --> 00:06:54,526
Goodbye, Zander.
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Goodbye, Lennox.
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00:07:01,267 --> 00:07:02,367
You just said that.
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00:07:02,402 --> 00:07:04,603
Right.
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00:07:04,637 --> 00:07:06,271
All right, see you.
186
00:07:08,574 --> 00:07:09,641
What was that all about?
187
00:07:09,676 --> 00:07:12,227
You know, he's just having difficulty
188
00:07:12,278 --> 00:07:13,511
accepting that
we're not a couple anymore.
189
00:07:13,529 --> 00:07:16,365
But we're gonna be hundreds
of miles away from each other.
190
00:07:16,399 --> 00:07:17,649
So this is for the best.
191
00:07:17,684 --> 00:07:20,452
It's time he just lets go
and starts dating other guys.
192
00:07:20,486 --> 00:07:22,421
- Guys?
- Girls.
193
00:07:22,488 --> 00:07:24,256
Of course girls.
194
00:07:24,290 --> 00:07:25,624
If I said "guys," I'd be
talking about someone else,
195
00:07:25,658 --> 00:07:27,492
and I'm not. Can we just drop it?
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Okay.
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00:07:29,495 --> 00:07:30,662
I mean, you saw him.
198
00:07:30,696 --> 00:07:32,330
He was trying to sneak in one last kiss
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before he left.
200
00:07:33,466 --> 00:07:35,366
It's over, pal.
201
00:07:35,385 --> 00:07:37,669
Who are you arguing with?
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00:07:37,703 --> 00:07:39,421
Trust me... if Zander and I tried
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00:07:39,472 --> 00:07:40,639
to have a long-distance relationship,
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all we would do is fight.
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00:07:42,258 --> 00:07:44,259
And who would want
a relationship like that?
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00:07:44,310 --> 00:07:45,427
I can't take you anywhere!
207
00:07:45,478 --> 00:07:46,595
Oh, please, I was doing you a favor.
208
00:07:46,646 --> 00:07:48,247
Why did you have to open your big mouth?
209
00:07:48,264 --> 00:07:49,598
I just said what
everybody else was thinking.
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00:07:49,649 --> 00:07:51,080
Oh, you know what I'm thinking...
why did I bring you to that event?
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00:07:51,107 --> 00:07:52,275
Oh, I made you look good. I'm an asset.
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00:07:52,306 --> 00:07:53,711
It's pronounced "ass hat."
213
00:07:53,762 --> 00:07:55,729
What did I do that was so wrong?
214
00:07:55,764 --> 00:07:57,204
All I did was tell the truth.
215
00:07:57,228 --> 00:07:59,228
The truth is taking a stand
on this issue right now
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00:07:59,230 --> 00:08:01,298
could end my State Senate
campaign before it even begins.
217
00:08:01,332 --> 00:08:04,200
I understand how important
votes are in your business.
218
00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:06,369
But even you yourself said that
concert hall is about to fall down.
219
00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:09,472
So is my mom's face, but I'm
not gonna yank it off myself.
220
00:08:09,507 --> 00:08:12,108
It's not just ugly,
all right, it's a hazard.
221
00:08:12,143 --> 00:08:14,377
That's my mother you're talking about.
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00:08:14,412 --> 00:08:16,129
Oh. The concert hall.
223
00:08:16,180 --> 00:08:17,180
Or in your words...
224
00:08:17,214 --> 00:08:20,216
Fido, the sad, old tumor dog.
225
00:08:20,251 --> 00:08:22,385
Joe, what you say
at these events reflects on me.
226
00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:24,054
We're treated as a unit now.
227
00:08:24,088 --> 00:08:25,255
Yeah, well, one half of us gets to speak
228
00:08:25,289 --> 00:08:27,190
- and the other half doesn't.
- Exactly!
229
00:08:27,224 --> 00:08:28,475
And just like the president.
230
00:08:28,526 --> 00:08:31,144
The first lady doesn't
chime in on foreign policy.
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00:08:31,195 --> 00:08:32,428
She just shakes hands
and stares lovingly
232
00:08:32,446 --> 00:08:36,066
at her wise, powerful spouse.
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00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:37,334
So I'm Michelle Obama.
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00:08:37,368 --> 00:08:39,202
People love her.
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00:08:39,236 --> 00:08:40,403
Be loved, Joe.
236
00:08:40,438 --> 00:08:43,440
Be silent and loved.
237
00:08:43,474 --> 00:08:45,108
You just don't want me to be me.
238
00:08:45,142 --> 00:08:46,409
Only in public.
239
00:08:46,444 --> 00:08:48,328
When no one's around,
you can be you all you like.
240
00:08:48,379 --> 00:08:50,446
Joe it all up in here.
241
00:08:50,464 --> 00:08:52,215
Oh, great! All right.
So when we're home,
242
00:08:52,249 --> 00:08:53,516
from now on, I'll make sure
I close all the drapes.
243
00:08:53,551 --> 00:08:55,418
That way none of the neighbors
will have to see the real me.
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00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:57,286
Please, Joe.
245
00:08:57,305 --> 00:08:59,089
If the neighbors are
peeking in the window,
246
00:08:59,123 --> 00:09:00,444
they're definitely looking at me.
247
00:09:06,248 --> 00:09:07,528
I just said what I was thinking.
248
00:09:07,553 --> 00:09:09,154
It had nothing to do with Mel.
249
00:09:09,188 --> 00:09:11,156
Mm, this from "The Toledo Herald"...
250
00:09:11,190 --> 00:09:13,458
"well, if Mel Burke's
boyfriend speaks for her,"
251
00:09:13,493 --> 00:09:14,593
"the city has no intention"
252
00:09:14,627 --> 00:09:16,261
"of saving Bellflower Hall."
253
00:09:16,295 --> 00:09:17,362
"Perhaps, in the future,
if we want to know"
254
00:09:17,396 --> 00:09:20,132
"what the waffling councilwoman thinks,"
255
00:09:20,166 --> 00:09:23,635
"we should just talk to her
fearlessly opinionated date."
256
00:09:23,669 --> 00:09:26,204
You gonna blame that on me?
257
00:09:26,239 --> 00:09:29,341
You think a Denver omelet
will help smooth things over?
258
00:09:29,375 --> 00:09:31,409
You sure as hell
better not make her a waffle.
259
00:09:33,379 --> 00:09:34,613
Morning, Lennox.
260
00:09:34,647 --> 00:09:35,614
You.
261
00:09:37,166 --> 00:09:38,449
You're up early.
262
00:09:38,468 --> 00:09:41,253
Yeah, well, my phone started
ringing at 5:00 this morning.
263
00:09:41,287 --> 00:09:42,527
Now I have an emergency meeting
264
00:09:42,555 --> 00:09:44,489
with the Historical Society
to calm them down.
265
00:09:44,524 --> 00:09:46,424
Oh, and then I have sensitivity training
266
00:09:46,458 --> 00:09:48,143
at the Humane Society.
267
00:09:48,177 --> 00:09:50,295
They want me to spend the
afternoon at a dog hospice.
268
00:09:50,329 --> 00:09:51,596
It's gonna be a great day.
269
00:09:51,630 --> 00:09:54,182
Mel...
270
00:09:54,233 --> 00:09:55,400
I'm sorry.
271
00:09:55,434 --> 00:09:57,435
All right? I get it now.
272
00:09:57,469 --> 00:09:58,636
There's a time and a place
for my opinions
273
00:09:58,654 --> 00:10:00,305
and last night wasn't one of them.
274
00:10:00,323 --> 00:10:02,240
So I should just learn
to keep my mouth shut
275
00:10:02,275 --> 00:10:03,408
at your work functions, and from now on,
276
00:10:03,442 --> 00:10:04,475
that's exactly what I'm going to do.
277
00:10:04,494 --> 00:10:07,195
- You really mean that?
- Yes, I do.
278
00:10:07,246 --> 00:10:09,414
In fact, I've even
been working on my admiring
279
00:10:09,448 --> 00:10:11,500
and loving first-lady gaze.
280
00:10:15,621 --> 00:10:17,488
It's a lot harder than it looks.
281
00:10:19,509 --> 00:10:21,343
Well, I think you'd make
a great first lady.
282
00:10:23,563 --> 00:10:25,530
I'm sorry.
283
00:10:25,565 --> 00:10:27,499
You're probably weirded out
by all this first-lady talk.
284
00:10:27,533 --> 00:10:28,533
- Let me explain.
- No no no.
285
00:10:28,568 --> 00:10:30,202
That's totally unnecessary.
286
00:10:30,236 --> 00:10:32,637
Whatever you two need to keep it fresh.
287
00:10:36,309 --> 00:10:38,210
I don't know.
288
00:10:38,244 --> 00:10:40,511
I think, according to my calculations,
289
00:10:40,530 --> 00:10:43,515
the data all points to us
getting coffee together.
290
00:10:43,549 --> 00:10:45,283
- What?
- What?
291
00:10:45,318 --> 00:10:47,385
Sorry, that was out of line.
292
00:10:47,420 --> 00:10:49,538
The data all points to us getting...
293
00:10:49,572 --> 00:10:51,456
Frozen yogurt, maybe?
294
00:10:51,490 --> 00:10:53,575
You're very sweet,
295
00:10:53,626 --> 00:10:55,460
but I have so much going on right now
296
00:10:55,494 --> 00:10:57,329
and it would just
make things complicated.
297
00:10:59,398 --> 00:11:03,401
Stella, all I'm hearing
are excuses here.
298
00:11:04,604 --> 00:11:06,605
I think we can make this
work if we really want to.
299
00:11:06,639 --> 00:11:09,174
You really think you can handle
300
00:11:09,208 --> 00:11:10,408
going out with someone like me?
301
00:11:10,443 --> 00:11:12,510
Honestly, I'm scared out of my mind.
302
00:11:12,545 --> 00:11:15,447
But... I'm happy to go down trying.
303
00:11:15,481 --> 00:11:18,183
Well, we do have chemistry.
304
00:11:18,217 --> 00:11:20,385
Do you mean the class
305
00:11:20,419 --> 00:11:22,354
or do you actually kind of like me?
306
00:11:22,388 --> 00:11:24,189
What do you think?
307
00:11:24,223 --> 00:11:25,657
Right.
308
00:11:27,326 --> 00:11:28,426
No, seriously, though. Which one?
309
00:11:28,461 --> 00:11:29,444
I want to make sure.
310
00:11:33,266 --> 00:11:36,201
Lennox, could you take this
to the dry cleaner for me?
311
00:11:36,235 --> 00:11:37,619
I have the Policeman's Ball
this Thursday.
312
00:11:37,670 --> 00:11:39,371
Oh, wow.
313
00:11:39,405 --> 00:11:41,473
Aunt Mel, this is beautiful.
314
00:11:41,507 --> 00:11:44,409
You and Joe are going to be
the most epic couple there.
315
00:11:44,427 --> 00:11:46,461
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah. He's not going.
316
00:11:46,512 --> 00:11:50,415
Oh, so I'm taking the dress
to the dry cleaner's
317
00:11:50,433 --> 00:11:53,268
because Joe's not supposed
to know about any of this.
318
00:11:53,302 --> 00:11:55,270
I didn't say that, but yes.
319
00:11:55,304 --> 00:11:57,422
But he promised
he'd be quiet from now on.
320
00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:59,524
Look, I love Joe, but I know Joe.
321
00:11:59,558 --> 00:12:01,276
Sure, he thinks he can
keep his mouth shut.
322
00:12:01,327 --> 00:12:03,361
He also thinks his shirts
are never too tight.
323
00:12:03,396 --> 00:12:05,196
Someone will ask him about an issue,
324
00:12:05,231 --> 00:12:06,597
and he'll try his best to hold it in,
325
00:12:06,632 --> 00:12:08,473
- but in the end...
- He'll blow like a volcano.
326
00:12:08,501 --> 00:12:09,534
Big time.
327
00:12:09,568 --> 00:12:11,303
And the verbal lava will destroy
328
00:12:11,337 --> 00:12:13,405
the tiny town of me-ville.
329
00:12:13,439 --> 00:12:15,624
So I've decided to go
to the ball by myself.
330
00:12:15,658 --> 00:12:18,276
In the best interest of my relationship.
331
00:12:18,294 --> 00:12:20,211
And the best interest of your career.
332
00:12:20,246 --> 00:12:21,630
Everybody wins. Me twice.
333
00:12:21,664 --> 00:12:23,465
Yeah, but won't Joe kind of notice
334
00:12:23,499 --> 00:12:24,582
that you went to the ball without him?
335
00:12:24,617 --> 00:12:26,418
But luckily he has plans that night
336
00:12:26,452 --> 00:12:27,585
doing something he absolutely loves.
337
00:12:27,619 --> 00:12:29,304
- Oh, what's that?
- I don't know yet.
338
00:12:29,338 --> 00:12:31,389
But I'm working on it.
339
00:12:35,561 --> 00:12:38,296
Dude... I told you before, man.
340
00:12:38,331 --> 00:12:39,481
If you want that thing to make toast,
341
00:12:39,515 --> 00:12:42,350
you gotta put bread in it.
342
00:12:42,401 --> 00:12:44,636
No, I was just checking
my eyebrows for strays.
343
00:12:44,670 --> 00:12:47,339
'Cause I got a date tonight with Stella,
344
00:12:47,373 --> 00:12:48,657
and I want everything to be perfect.
345
00:12:48,691 --> 00:12:50,542
Nice! All right.
Where are you going to take her?
346
00:12:50,576 --> 00:12:51,643
A fancy restaurant, the movies, what?
347
00:12:51,677 --> 00:12:54,346
The living room.
348
00:12:54,380 --> 00:12:56,514
Ladies, they love a big spender.
349
00:12:56,549 --> 00:12:58,616
No, actually, she wanted
to come over here.
350
00:12:58,651 --> 00:13:01,219
She said it'd be cozier.
351
00:13:01,253 --> 00:13:02,337
Look at you!
352
00:13:02,371 --> 00:13:03,505
Getting yourself a romantic evening
353
00:13:03,539 --> 00:13:05,290
without having to shell out a dime.
354
00:13:05,324 --> 00:13:08,259
Maybe I could learn a lesson from you.
355
00:13:08,294 --> 00:13:10,362
No, who am I kidding?
356
00:13:10,396 --> 00:13:11,513
Hello, my men.
357
00:13:11,547 --> 00:13:12,630
Hey! Good news here.
358
00:13:12,664 --> 00:13:14,382
Young squire just secured himself a date
359
00:13:14,433 --> 00:13:15,633
with his study partner Stella.
360
00:13:15,634 --> 00:13:17,335
- Thanks to who?
- You, Joe.
361
00:13:17,370 --> 00:13:18,386
There it is.
362
00:13:18,437 --> 00:13:20,205
Wow, nice work.
363
00:13:20,239 --> 00:13:21,406
But you really want to impress her,
364
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,541
you should do something about
all that nose hair up there.
365
00:13:23,576 --> 00:13:26,394
Oh, God, it's like
a rain forest up there.
366
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:30,248
So you're teaching the kid some moves?
367
00:13:30,282 --> 00:13:31,383
Yeah! Well, you know,
last year I helped him
368
00:13:31,417 --> 00:13:32,617
bring up his grades.
369
00:13:32,651 --> 00:13:36,287
And this year I'm helping
him to bring up his...
370
00:13:36,322 --> 00:13:38,590
I got him a date.
371
00:13:38,624 --> 00:13:40,492
Well, you're a good guy, Joe.
372
00:13:40,526 --> 00:13:42,193
And you know what we get good guys?
373
00:13:42,211 --> 00:13:45,363
A great seat
at the Mud Hens game tonight.
374
00:13:45,381 --> 00:13:47,549
What? These are right behind the dugout.
375
00:13:47,583 --> 00:13:49,217
Mel, that's awesome.
376
00:13:49,251 --> 00:13:50,411
It's just one ticket, though.
377
00:13:50,419 --> 00:13:51,503
I can't leave you here all by yourself.
378
00:13:51,537 --> 00:13:53,221
Yes, you can. That's the point.
379
00:13:53,255 --> 00:13:57,208
Because I have this
boring work thing tonight.
380
00:13:57,243 --> 00:13:59,377
Just boring police department... boring.
381
00:13:59,395 --> 00:14:02,180
So at least one of us
will have fun tonight.
382
00:14:02,214 --> 00:14:03,281
You better get going, though,
383
00:14:03,315 --> 00:14:04,315
if you're gonna see the first pitch.
384
00:14:04,350 --> 00:14:05,483
Yeah, I'm just gonna take a quick pee.
385
00:14:05,518 --> 00:14:07,435
Just go at the stadium.
386
00:14:07,486 --> 00:14:11,322
Urinals are so much more fun
than boring old toilets.
387
00:14:11,357 --> 00:14:12,390
You're not wrong.
388
00:14:18,531 --> 00:14:20,532
- Hey.
- Hey.
389
00:14:20,566 --> 00:14:21,616
What's up with you?
390
00:14:21,667 --> 00:14:23,501
Oh, your aunt got me this awesome seat
391
00:14:23,536 --> 00:14:24,657
for tonight's Mud Hens game,
392
00:14:24,670 --> 00:14:26,538
and I forgot my lucky
number one foam finger.
393
00:14:26,572 --> 00:14:28,540
I'm not saying it's responsible
for all their victories,
394
00:14:28,574 --> 00:14:30,208
but, you know...
395
00:14:30,242 --> 00:14:31,509
When I bring it, they win.
396
00:14:35,297 --> 00:14:37,415
Lennox, Ryder! I'm leaving!
397
00:14:37,433 --> 00:14:38,600
If Joe gets back before me, just...
398
00:14:38,634 --> 00:14:42,187
tell him I love him
with all of my heart.
399
00:14:43,322 --> 00:14:45,623
You.
400
00:14:49,646 --> 00:14:51,681
It's not what you think.
401
00:14:51,748 --> 00:14:53,382
Really?
402
00:14:53,417 --> 00:14:54,583
So I think you sent me
to a baseball game tonight
403
00:14:54,601 --> 00:14:55,685
so you could ditch me.
404
00:14:55,719 --> 00:14:57,386
So you can go to your fancy party.
405
00:14:57,420 --> 00:14:59,522
Where'd you get a crazy idea like that?
406
00:14:59,556 --> 00:15:01,490
Let's see here...
407
00:15:01,525 --> 00:15:03,426
"you are cordially invited
to the 41st annual"
408
00:15:03,460 --> 00:15:06,762
"Toledo Policeman's Ball...
Mel Burke plus one."
409
00:15:06,797 --> 00:15:08,447
So you didn't believe me when I told you
410
00:15:08,482 --> 00:15:09,665
I was going to keep my mouth shut.
411
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:11,284
You're embarrassed to be seen with me.
412
00:15:11,318 --> 00:15:13,302
No, I love being seen with you.
413
00:15:13,337 --> 00:15:15,538
Always. Well, 95% of the time.
414
00:15:15,572 --> 00:15:17,673
Which is a super-high number.
415
00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:19,375
So you're only embarrassed
to be seen with me
416
00:15:19,409 --> 00:15:21,410
- 5% of the time?
- Which is great!
417
00:15:21,444 --> 00:15:22,578
Because before you, my best boyfriends
418
00:15:22,612 --> 00:15:25,348
were like 20-30% embarrassing.
419
00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:27,516
That's 100% not helping.
420
00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:30,452
Joe, I was wrong to try to sneak out.
421
00:15:30,470 --> 00:15:31,587
Please come to the ball with me.
422
00:15:31,621 --> 00:15:32,638
No, forget it.
423
00:15:32,673 --> 00:15:34,357
I'm going to go to my pity game tonight.
424
00:15:34,391 --> 00:15:35,491
It's muzzle night.
425
00:15:35,525 --> 00:15:37,693
First 500 boyfriends
get a free mouth gag.
426
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:39,729
If you change real quick,
we can go together.
427
00:15:39,763 --> 00:15:41,480
The Policeman Ball is always a hoot.
428
00:15:41,565 --> 00:15:44,600
Drunk cops, handcuffs,
anything can happen.
429
00:15:44,635 --> 00:15:47,370
No, thanks, but I know how important
it is for you to be there.
430
00:15:47,404 --> 00:15:48,437
Plus you'll fit right in...
431
00:15:48,472 --> 00:15:49,522
with all the other politicians
432
00:15:49,573 --> 00:15:50,740
who talk out of both
sides of their mouths.
433
00:15:50,774 --> 00:15:52,575
Now, if you'll excuse me,
434
00:15:52,609 --> 00:15:55,411
I'm going to my game
with my dignity intact.
435
00:15:55,445 --> 00:15:56,746
So...
436
00:16:01,385 --> 00:16:03,369
It's for me, it's for me.
437
00:16:04,421 --> 00:16:07,289
It's for you.
438
00:16:07,323 --> 00:16:09,508
Oh, Zander.
439
00:16:09,543 --> 00:16:11,560
Please, look,
you can't get to art school
440
00:16:11,595 --> 00:16:12,712
through my house.
441
00:16:12,763 --> 00:16:14,296
I'm actually on my way.
442
00:16:14,330 --> 00:16:15,497
My dad was driving me out of town
443
00:16:15,515 --> 00:16:16,632
but I told him he had to stop.
444
00:16:16,666 --> 00:16:18,367
I've got to confess...
445
00:16:18,402 --> 00:16:20,636
I've been milking this long
goodbye just to see you.
446
00:16:20,671 --> 00:16:22,772
I'm going to miss you.
447
00:16:22,806 --> 00:16:24,440
This is it. I'm really going now.
448
00:16:24,474 --> 00:16:26,308
So... goodbye, Lennox.
449
00:16:26,343 --> 00:16:28,411
Okay, fine.
450
00:16:36,353 --> 00:16:38,371
That's it? No kiss?
451
00:16:38,405 --> 00:16:39,572
I thought you didn't
want him to kiss you.
452
00:16:39,584 --> 00:16:40,744
I didn't want him to kiss me.
453
00:16:40,757 --> 00:16:42,575
But I wanted him to want to kiss me.
454
00:16:42,577 --> 00:16:44,527
Obviously.
455
00:16:44,561 --> 00:16:47,363
So are you extra girl weird,
456
00:16:47,397 --> 00:16:48,731
or just average girl weird?
457
00:16:55,538 --> 00:16:57,390
You stink, Molina!
458
00:16:57,424 --> 00:16:58,724
Why don't you take a cab to first base?
459
00:16:58,759 --> 00:17:00,409
You might actually get there.
460
00:17:00,444 --> 00:17:03,596
I've seen faster legs
on an armchair, Molina.
461
00:17:03,647 --> 00:17:05,380
- Good one.
- Thanks, man.
462
00:17:05,399 --> 00:17:06,565
- You liked that one?
- Yeah.
463
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,434
I got this great
heckling app on my phone.
464
00:17:08,485 --> 00:17:10,319
I just plug it in
and it keeps 'em coming.
465
00:17:10,353 --> 00:17:11,520
- It's really cool.
- Pardon me.
466
00:17:11,555 --> 00:17:12,555
Excuse me, excuse me.
467
00:17:12,589 --> 00:17:13,739
Sorry, excuse me.
468
00:17:13,774 --> 00:17:15,608
High heels. Don't touch the merchandise.
469
00:17:15,659 --> 00:17:18,393
Excuse me, could you guys
maybe move down?
470
00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:20,446
Thank you. Um, hey!
471
00:17:20,497 --> 00:17:21,664
Is this seat taken?
472
00:17:21,698 --> 00:17:23,416
What are you doing here?
473
00:17:23,450 --> 00:17:24,583
Why aren't you at your fancy party?
474
00:17:24,618 --> 00:17:26,569
Well, that reporter from "The Herald"
475
00:17:26,603 --> 00:17:28,337
asked me, "how come you're not with"
476
00:17:28,371 --> 00:17:29,672
"your loudmouthed, opinionated
boyfriend tonight?"
477
00:17:29,706 --> 00:17:33,342
And I thought, "yeah.
How come I'm not with"
478
00:17:33,376 --> 00:17:35,544
"my loudmouthed, opinionated
boyfriend tonight?"
479
00:17:35,578 --> 00:17:38,580
So here I am.
480
00:17:38,598 --> 00:17:40,716
That was very close to sweet.
481
00:17:40,751 --> 00:17:43,519
I try. And I'll be trying harder.
482
00:17:43,553 --> 00:17:45,354
When you give me your word that
you'll keep your mouth shut,
483
00:17:45,388 --> 00:17:47,790
- I should trust you.
- You really should trust me on that.
484
00:17:47,824 --> 00:17:50,425
At least 95% of the time.
485
00:17:50,444 --> 00:17:52,428
- That's a super-high number.
- It really is.
486
00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:56,608
Well, I appreciate you
coming to the game
487
00:17:56,633 --> 00:17:58,734
and ditching the Policeman's Ball.
488
00:17:58,768 --> 00:18:00,536
You know what hurt the most?
489
00:18:00,570 --> 00:18:02,338
Leaving before they gave out the swag.
490
00:18:02,372 --> 00:18:03,532
Policemen have the best stuff.
491
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:05,541
Last year they gave out
breathalyzer key chains.
492
00:18:05,575 --> 00:18:07,576
Use it every day.
493
00:18:07,610 --> 00:18:10,296
Oh... go go. Go go go go go!
494
00:18:10,330 --> 00:18:12,298
Ah...
495
00:18:12,332 --> 00:18:13,749
Wow, what a catch!
496
00:18:13,783 --> 00:18:15,501
Yeah, by the Cyclones.
497
00:18:15,552 --> 00:18:18,287
Well, yeah, but did you see
how high that guy jumped?
498
00:18:18,305 --> 00:18:19,505
Way to go, Cyclones!
499
00:18:19,556 --> 00:18:20,639
- Hey.
- Yeah!
500
00:18:20,674 --> 00:18:22,391
Mel, might want to take it
down a notch, okay?
501
00:18:22,425 --> 00:18:24,527
Yeah, this is Mud Hens territory, lady.
502
00:18:24,561 --> 00:18:25,761
Yeah, but I think even a Mud Hens fan
503
00:18:25,796 --> 00:18:27,480
could appreciate a good play.
504
00:18:27,514 --> 00:18:30,299
Am I right?
505
00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:31,600
All right, all right. Hey hey hey!
506
00:18:31,635 --> 00:18:33,302
Calm down, all right? Look...
507
00:18:33,336 --> 00:18:34,403
she's new here, all right?
508
00:18:34,437 --> 00:18:36,338
Clearly she's not
as big a fan as we are.
509
00:18:36,373 --> 00:18:37,506
She doesn't really know
how these games work,
510
00:18:37,541 --> 00:18:38,691
doesn't know when to talk
and when to shut up.
511
00:18:38,742 --> 00:18:40,709
But I promise you...
give her a second chance,
512
00:18:40,744 --> 00:18:42,477
she'll do the right thing. So come on.
513
00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:45,314
Can we not show our guest here
a little Mud Hen hospitality?
514
00:18:45,348 --> 00:18:47,416
Can we, huh?
515
00:18:49,703 --> 00:18:51,587
Apparently we can't.
516
00:18:51,621 --> 00:18:52,788
It could have been worse.
517
00:18:52,822 --> 00:18:55,490
It could have been a beer.
518
00:18:55,509 --> 00:18:57,493
Don't get any ideas.
519
00:19:00,764 --> 00:19:03,549
Ooh ooh, what have we got here?
520
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,534
Look at that.
521
00:19:05,569 --> 00:19:06,635
You know what that is?
522
00:19:06,670 --> 00:19:08,671
That's a teen romance
in full blossom right there.
523
00:19:08,705 --> 00:19:11,507
That's another
Longo Institute success story.
524
00:19:11,541 --> 00:19:13,509
- The Longo what?
- Nothing.
525
00:19:13,543 --> 00:19:15,678
So should we give
the kids their privacy?
526
00:19:15,712 --> 00:19:17,646
No way! It's my house.
527
00:19:17,714 --> 00:19:19,515
Are you sure...
528
00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:21,383
what the hell?
529
00:19:21,418 --> 00:19:22,518
That's a frickin' baby.
530
00:19:22,552 --> 00:19:24,486
I can see it's a baby. Get in there.
531
00:19:26,159 --> 00:19:27,656
- Oh, hey!
- Guys!
532
00:19:27,690 --> 00:19:29,458
Sorry to interrupt.
533
00:19:29,492 --> 00:19:30,659
Hey, Ryder. What's going on?
534
00:19:30,693 --> 00:19:31,710
Hey, guys, what's up?
535
00:19:31,745 --> 00:19:33,329
We're just watching a movie.
536
00:19:33,363 --> 00:19:34,630
Oh, I get it.
537
00:19:34,664 --> 00:19:36,365
Look at this industrious young lady.
538
00:19:36,383 --> 00:19:37,716
Babysitting while on a date.
539
00:19:37,751 --> 00:19:39,585
Oh, yeah. I am a full-time babysitter.
540
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:41,737
This is Stella's daughter, Isabel.
541
00:19:41,771 --> 00:19:43,472
Did you hear that?
It's her daughter, Isabel.
542
00:19:43,506 --> 00:19:45,441
Yes, I heard. It's her daughter, Isabel.
543
00:19:45,475 --> 00:19:46,709
Uh-huh. Uh, Ryder...
544
00:19:46,743 --> 00:19:49,411
I thought you said that...
545
00:19:49,446 --> 00:19:50,579
she had a lot going on.
546
00:19:50,614 --> 00:19:53,482
Yeah, Joe, you were totally right.
547
00:19:53,516 --> 00:19:56,585
We can absolutely make
this work if we want to.
548
00:19:56,620 --> 00:19:58,487
Now if you don't mind,
549
00:19:58,521 --> 00:19:59,688
I'm kind of trying to have a date here.
550
00:19:59,723 --> 00:20:01,390
- Oh.
- Oh, it's okay, Ryder.
551
00:20:01,424 --> 00:20:02,785
Abel has to have her dinner first.
552
00:20:02,792 --> 00:20:04,360
Oh...
553
00:20:04,394 --> 00:20:07,496
Oh, my gosh.
She just started breastfeeding.
554
00:20:07,530 --> 00:20:08,697
It's okay, Joe.
555
00:20:08,732 --> 00:20:10,499
It's completely natural.
556
00:20:10,533 --> 00:20:11,584
Well, maybe it is time to go.
557
00:20:11,618 --> 00:20:13,419
Me first!
558
00:20:16,206 --> 00:20:17,463
How could you encourage this?
559
00:20:17,487 --> 00:20:18,487
I didn't encourage this.
560
00:20:18,506 --> 00:20:19,666
I didn't know she had a baby.
561
00:20:19,673 --> 00:20:21,291
When Ryder said she had a lot going on,
562
00:20:21,325 --> 00:20:23,426
I thought he meant
Spanish club and yearbook.
563
00:20:23,460 --> 00:20:25,678
Not mommy and me and breastfeeding.
564
00:20:25,713 --> 00:20:28,364
This could totally ruin Ryder's future.
565
00:20:28,399 --> 00:20:29,599
He's already getting a "C" in algebra
566
00:20:29,633 --> 00:20:31,434
without a baby in his life.
567
00:20:31,468 --> 00:20:33,303
With a baby, who knows what kind
of terrible things could happen?
568
00:20:33,337 --> 00:20:35,572
Maybe he'll get
a better grade in biology.
569
00:20:35,606 --> 00:20:37,640
- Hey.
- Hey, Stella.
570
00:20:37,674 --> 00:20:39,359
I had some extra milk.
571
00:20:39,393 --> 00:20:40,643
Is it cool if I put it
in the fridge for next time?
572
00:20:40,677 --> 00:20:41,728
Yeah, of course.
573
00:20:41,779 --> 00:20:43,512
There's always room in my fridge
574
00:20:43,531 --> 00:20:45,365
for teen mom milk.
575
00:20:45,399 --> 00:20:46,616
I am totally cool with this.
576
00:20:46,650 --> 00:20:48,568
Just don't put it next to
the half and half, all right?
577
00:20:48,619 --> 00:20:50,286
I don't want to make any mistakes
578
00:20:50,321 --> 00:20:51,404
when I'm making my coffee
in the morning.
579
00:20:51,455 --> 00:20:52,705
Got it. Oh, and thanks again
580
00:20:52,740 --> 00:20:54,457
for being so understanding.
581
00:20:59,330 --> 00:21:00,380
She seems pretty sweet.
582
00:21:00,414 --> 00:21:01,530
Maybe this would be okay.
583
00:21:01,549 --> 00:21:03,366
Okay? Really?
584
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:04,701
Ryder didn't know how to tie his shoes
585
00:21:04,718 --> 00:21:06,402
till he was 15.
586
00:21:06,437 --> 00:21:07,604
How's he going to handle a relationship
587
00:21:07,638 --> 00:21:09,239
with a girl who has a kid?
588
00:21:09,273 --> 00:21:11,307
Holy crap!
589
00:21:11,342 --> 00:21:13,710
Ryder has a baby before I do.
590
00:21:13,744 --> 00:21:15,712
Not that it's a competition.
591
00:21:15,737 --> 00:21:18,537
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