All language subtitles for Harrys.Law.S02E17.The.Contest.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-BLAZE_track3_[eng]

Come work for me.Excuse me?

Well, you settle
inner office disputes.

You'’re way too good
for that.

Forget it.Think about it.

You have a nail in your head.
Take him to the hospital.

My client did have
a brain injury.

I didn'’t.I fired a nail into my head

and you exploited that

to negotiate a settlement.

Do you believe Mr. Berman
was of sound mind

when he executed
the settlement agreement?

No, I do not.

Harry, I'’ve tried
very hard to be fair here.No, you haven'’t.

You don'’t even know
the meaning of the word "fair."

Oh, Come on.
We agreed to play nice.

I'’m not giving you
back the money.

Then I'’ll sue you. I'’ve got you
dead to rights on liability,

a judgment is a done deal,
your own associate admitted

you acted in bad faith--
as soon as I say the word,

you'’ll be facing disbarment
charges-- you know it, Harry.

Ask Howdy Doody here,
he knows it too.

Goodbye, Sam. Get lost.

Take Gwyneth with you.

Phoebe.Yeah, Phoebe, whatever.

You want a little advice?

Sure.

A lot of lawyers are
out of their minds.

Half of us end up
on meds of some sort.

It'’s a boring, mind-deadening
job that drives us all

crazy in the end.

In my last job,
before this, I smoked pot

and watched cartoons all day.
We'’re a nutty breed.

But we still are deemed to have
the capacity to practice

and enter into contracts.

You'’re not going to win this.

Especially since,
at the root of it all,

your client
is a tobacco company,

a corporate criminal

who manufactures a product that,
even when it'’s used correctly,

kills people.

Bottom line,

you'’re not getting
a [bleep] penny.

Meeting go well?

That well?

I'’ll give you a call
first thing.

Sounds good.

Hey, Adam.

Give any more
thought to...

I haven'’t, actually,
but thanks for asking.

Don'’t ask again.

Aye, aye.

Hey, Leese.

Pheeb.

Leese? Pheeb? How do you two
know each other, if I may ask.

Oh, we both went to
Ohio State,

turns out we were
intimate with the same guy.

[laughs]

Oh, yeah? Who?

No idea. I just know
she went out with

somebody on
the football team.

Do the math.

OLIVER: Hey, Phoebe.
You got a second?

I'’ve got a bit of a delicate
situation in here

Maybe you can help.

JANE: As we were telling
Mr. Richard,

she'’s a wonderful girl--
"A" student, she'’s popular,

she has a steady
part-time job...

How old?
17.

She just got into Yale.

Wow.Yeah, wow.

Now here'’s the punchline: we
think she might be into drugs.

And it'’s not that she'’s using,
although she might be.

We think she'’s dealing.

Ugh. Wow again.

JANE:
So here'’s our situation.

We obviously want to protect
her, help her, do what...

but we have
no real evidence.

And we could seriously
jeopardize her

admission to Yale
if we cause...

Well, on the other hand,
she'’s our daughter, so...

if she is into something,

we came to Oliver about
doing an intervention.

What are you,
the go-to guy for kidnapping?

Funny.

What evidence do you have?

Kids, ones we'’ve
never even met,

call all hours
of the night.

They leave strange messages
on Facebook and Twitter.

She bought a car;
where she got the money...

Couldn'’t have been
from waitressing.

We'’ve confronted her,
but she denies it.

And then she gets mad at us
and stops talking.

Okay, I think the most logical
step is to have

somebody neutral to have
a conversation with her.

Now, I would do it
myself, but,

Phoebe, you seem
pretty good with kids,

you'’ve got
an easy way about you.

Would you mind
talking to her.

See if she presents
as a problem?

Let him sue, Tommy...
I really don'’t care.

Harry, I like a good fight
as much as you do.

But this one
might be better to avoid.

I will not pay that man...

that firm...

a nickel.

Try to get that.[chuckles]

It'’s personal.Damn straight it is.

Harry, I'’ve been thinking.

Didn'’t you leave?

Listen, counter-proposal:

I drop the suit.

Your client keeps
all the money.

And you come back
to work for us.

Come again?

Our patent department
has gone to hell, plus

you'’ve obviously become
quite a force in Cincinnati.

We want you back,
my friend.

That'’s why
you came back here.

[scoffs] You want to
invite me back to your firm?

Come on, Harry.

You need to think about
your legacy, my friend.

This here... [chuckles]

you don'’t want to
go out like this--

half law-firm,
half shoe-store... [laughs]

I mean, what the hell.

You know you want
to come back, deep down.

Get my gun, would ya?

Harry, we are the "it" firm.

National Law Journal,
every year,

picks us as
Cincinnati'’s finest.

The Lockober fund-raiser
this week,

we will win that competition
again, be crowned as the

hottest, best-of-the-best,
again.

It has to hurt a little.

I bet you couldn'’t even
rustle yourselves an invite.

Come on, why are you kidding
yourself, let'’s bury the hatchet

and work this out!

Come on back
where you belong.

The only place I would bury my
hatchet would be in your head.

As far as the
Lockober fund-raiser,

just so happens we did
get an invitation.

My firm plans to win the
competition this year.

BERMAN:
You plan to win it?

What are you trying to
"out-crazy" me, Harry?

You'’ll win it? With what?

[laughs] With what?!

[laughs]

JESSICA: First of all,
how did you even get in here?

[chuckles]
I look like a student.

Look, Jess,
I'’m just trying to do

a little factfinding,
I'’m not the Gestapo.

So what'’s going on?

There'’s nothing
going on, that'’s just it.

My parents...

I'’m an only child.

They'’re having a hard time
dealing with me growing up.

I think the idea of my
going away to college,

it'’s made them
a little crazy.

Hm, they didn'’t
seem crazy, just worried.

My friend Ashley got into drugs,
that kind of freaked them.

I got a tattoo,
they thought that...

[laughs] look, a little
flower on my ankle.

You know what
my father said?

"Well, if you
mutilate your body,

you obviously have
no respect for it."

So what about the car,
how did you afford it?

I work an
upscale restaurant.

I smile.
They tip.

I'’m not on drugs.

Okay...

I did a very
stupid thing last night.

I had a couple of beers--
I was in a bad mood--

Sam Berman pissed me off...

What'’d you do?

The Lockober fund-raiser.

I entered us into
the competition.

[all sigh]You did what?

What'’s done is done.You'’re kidding me.

Never mind, Ollie, I did it,
and now we have to win it.

Do you know what
that competition is?

Cassie, do me a favor,
and check your elitist,

politically correct
WASPy little ego

at the door,
could you please?WASPy?

Okay, the categories are:
"Hottest Female Attorney,"

"Sexiest Male Attorney,"

"Hottest Paralegal,"
"Hottest Assistant,"

"Hottest Couple,"
"Most Eligible Bachelor"--

two divisions on that one:
over 50 and under.

[snickers]

It'’s a good cause.
The money goes to St. Jude'’s

and helps kids with cancer.

"Sexiest Male":
Ollie, that would be you.

No offense, Adam,
you'’re still

growing into
your good looks.

Tommy, "Most Eligible
Over 50."

I'’m not technically
a part of this firm.

Yeah, but consider
yourself a ringer.

"Paralegal"--
Now, would Lisa be game?

I'’ll twist her arm.

LISA [muffled]:
Yes, ah!

Adam, Chunhua has
a shot at medaling:

"Hottest Assistant."

Oh, come on, you can
make her go for it

'’cause I got to win this bet.

Bet?! You bet on us?

Yes, I did.

I... I bet Sam Berman.

If we win, he drops the suit,

it'’s as simple as that.[groans]

So in addition to kids with
cancer, you could be saving me.

Uh, what about "Hottest
Couple"-- you left that out.

Well, they have to be a real
couple, as in intimate.

I mean, that'’s the rule.

Oh.

Do we by chance have

any intimate couples
amongst us today?

HARRY:
Do we?

Well, well, well.

I knew it!
[groans]

[Cassie sighs]

Okay.

First. Pig.

Second.
You and Cassie together.

I mean, this is
going to be gold.

Forget it.

Oh, come on, Ollie!

For good cause.

Think of the suffering
little children.

You can'’t be serious.

Look, the night is always
a little raunchy,

but it'’s a lot of fun

and it'’s for a good cause.

[sighs] Talk about
coming out as a couple.

That would really
be coming out.

I think it'’s
kind of cool, isn'’t it?

Really?

Cassie, let'’s just
be a couple.

A couple couple?

Yeah, like a couple couple.

You couldn'’t handle me
in a relationship.

Maybe not, but I like
to fail upward.

You feel your
thigh vibrating?

Yeah, I do.

I think it'’s your phone.

Oh.

[phone buzzing]

Yeah.

This is Oliver.

Ted, where are you?

Okay, I'’ll be right there.

[school bell rings]

OLIVER: These are
prescription drugs.

Yeah, all the same drug.

"Just In Case."

OLIVER:
Sorry?

Just In Case.
It'’s emergency birth control.

She'’s dealing
the Morning After pill.

PHOEBE:
I'’ll talk to her.

[sighs]

You didn'’t quite
tell me everything.

I don'’t even know you.[chuckles]

Well, you might
get the chance to.

You need a
lawyer now, for real.

You'’re about
to be arrested.Arrested?!

You have a treasure trove of

prescription drugs
in your locker.

They can easily make
Intent to Distribute.

That'’s a felony, Jess.

The Morning After pill?

You want to tell me
what'’s going on?

They'’re only prescription drugs
for girls 16 and under.

If you'’re over 16,
which I am,

I can buy them
without a prescription.

Which I did.

Okay.

Why?

You were selling them
to underage girls.

At cost.
I don'’t make a profit.

And you did
this because...?Because it'’s the only way

for the girls to get them.

Unless they go to a clinic,

or ask their parents,
which they'’re too afraid to do.

Am I really in trouble?

[sighs]

A lot.

You want me to do what?!

It'’s for a
really good cause:

St. Jude'’s Children'’s Hospital.

"Hottest Assistant"?

You could win this, Chunhua.

I don'’t really
want to win it.

It'’s all in good fun.

So, what would I
have to do?

Well, I guess you kind of
walk down a runway

and look as hot as you can.

Which you can do.

I felt about
"that" high, Harry.

Sorry to hear that.
Did she agree?

Uh-oh. You'’re about to
lecture me again.

Okay, let'’s have it.

You'’re the most
reasonable, logical,

fair person I know.

Okay, this is bad.

Except when it comes
to your old firm.

Then you just see red.

Okay, you know what?

And this is not
to be repeated--

it'’s between you and me.

Okay.

I'’m tired of the way
people think about us.

We win our cases.

We'’ve been a
success story at a time

when not many young
law firms make it.

Sanders and O'’Malley,
remember that?

On cover of American Lawyer.

Where are they now?

Gone.

Melvoy, Titlebaum,
on the cover of

the Cincinnati Enquirer
Business Section.

Flavor of the month.
Today, nada.

All these firms try to jump out
with mostly youth--

hot young litigators,
pretty faces

trying grab the young demo.

They come and they go.

Unlike the Law Offices
of Harriet Korn.

We just keep
plodding along.

You ever see us
on the cover of a magazine?

No.

Eh, we'’re not hot copy,
we'’re fuddy-duddy.

Well, we'’re not fuddy-duddy.

As a matter of fact,
we'’re far from it.

You, Ollie,
Cassie, Chunhua...

we'’re pretty good-looking.

By Cincinnati standards,
we'’re great-looking.

And you know what else?

I may be 60, I may be short,

but I'’m damn hot.

I sizzle, in fact.

And I want to win
this competition.

Maybe the equivalent of a
lawyer'’s wet t-shirt contest--

I don'’t care.

The Law Offices
of Harriet Korn:

we'’re sexy, we'’re hip.

And we'’re hot.

CLERK:
Case number 62941,

The State of Ohio
v. Jessica Donner

on a charge of
Possession with Intent

to Distribute
a Controlled Substance.

Uh, good evening,
Your Honor.

Oliver Richard appearing
for the defendant,

along with Phoebe Blake.

The defendant
will waive reading.

Would ask that my client be...

Wait a second.

Aiding and Abetting
Statutory Rape?

OLIVER:
You kidding me?

Your client proffers
birth control pills

to minors, counsel--
what for but to

facilitate them having
unlawful intercourse?

That count is dismissed,
Mr. Cruickshank.

Your Honor, we'’ve all heard
the expression:

"All it takes
for evil to succeed

is for good men to do nothing."

Well, imagine how
evil would prosper

if the good people of our
citizenry actually became active

in promoting sin, promoting, if
you will, underage copulation.

JUDGE BUCKLAND:
Yeah, that count is dismissed.

Your Honor, this guy
is a whack-job,

I request that he be removed.

I am not a whack-job,
Mr. Richard.

But I'’ll tell you this:
I am a sinner.

Which is why
I know first-hand

the corruptive
powers of enablers,

of which your
client is one.

Dispersing birth control pills
that enable young girls,

minors, to have
illegal sexual relations...

All right, Mr. Cruickshank,

Now, the defendant
will be released

on her own recognizance...Thank you, Your Honor.

I'’d also ask
for an immediate trial.I'’m sorry?

Well, it'’s pretty clear
what he plans to do.

In the meantime,
Yale University will no doubt

rescind its offer
of admission to my client.

I would like to get these
ridiculous charges dropped,

and end this nightmare
as soon as possible.

The prosecution stands
ready for trial, Your Honor.

And eager, it seems.

We could begin right now,
if you'’d like.

Defense is ready.

The defendant will be
processed out.

Next case.

You sure about this?

The longer this hangs over her,
the more she gets hurt.

What is wrong with you?

Just doing my job,
Mr. Richard.

How we doing?

My daughter has an
American Doll collection.

She'’s got one that
looks just like you.

Her name'’s
Julie Albright.

Julie'’s my favorite.

Sometimes I like to
cuddle with her myself.

Tell Adam Branch hello for me.
Would you do that?

Are you sure we shouldn'’t
just try to reach a plea?

We could do that,
but with any conviction,

Yale will likely
rescind its offer.

Look, guys, this is a felony
conviction we'’re facing.

It comes with real prison time.

I think we have to plea.

No. I want to fight.Honey...

No, Mom.

All right, let'’s just focus
on what we need to do.

We'’ve stipulated as to
the factual pleadings,

so the entire proceeding will
pretty much be our defense.

Jess, we'’ll call you first.

Next, we'’ll bring up
one of your customers,

then a doctor, then rest.

JANE: And there'’s just no way
the D.A. can let this go?

Not this D.A.

Any D.A. but this one.

TOMMY: It'’s for kids
with cancer.

I realize that, Tommy.

I know all about
the Lockober event.

I think it'’s a great cause
and a fantastic time.

I go every year.But...?

But I don'’t want you entering
"Most Eligible Bachelor."

[chuckles]It sends the message
that you are

eligible, which is both
false and hurtful.

Hurtful to me.

Amanda, Harry made a bet.

Well, she loses, then;
at least on this.

How would you like it
if I entered "Hottest Babe"?

I'’d love it.

It'’s been my dream to

have the girl all the
other guys want to schtup.

That came out wrong.

Huh.

JESSICA: I never meant for
this to be my cause in life.

And what happened?

Well, I got angry,
I guess.

At who? What?

Well, to be honest...

Uh, Obama.

The President.I mean, don'’t get me wrong,

I'’ll probably vote for him.

I turn 18 in October.

But... on this,

on the issue of
birth control...?

What did he do?

I won'’t be voting for him,
by the way,

but what did he do?

not politics,
dictate certain policies.

Here, his own scientists
determined that the

Morning After pill
is safe and effective

for women under
the age of 18,

without a prescription.

The FDA, in fact, approved
it for girls under 18.

And then, whoosh, Health and
Human Services swoops in

and just overrides the FDA.

That'’s politics totally
trumping science,

and it pissed me off.

And I guess it
gave me a purpose.

OLIVER: Now, some people
refer to Just In Case

as the abortion pill.

And that'’s wrong.

The abortion pill is called
RU-486; it'’s totally different.

The Morning After pill does not
abort a conceived pregnancy.

It has no effect
on pregnancy.

It simply prevents one.

Conception doesn'’t
occur sometimes

as late as a 120 hours
after intercourse.

Just In Case is the medication
to be taken in the interim.

Even so, it sounds like
a very important decision

whether or not to
take such a medication.

An adult decision,
if you will.

Girls are often afraid to ask
their parents for prescriptions,

that'’s the very
reason the FDA

authorized
the sale to minors.

Yes, and perhaps
when you get older

and have a family
of your own, Ms. Donner,

you'’ll feel
differently about

allowing the government
to dictate

how we parent
our children.
Objection.

Let'’s leave
our personal politics

out of this,
Mr. Cruickshank.

Your Honor, I only seek
to cross-examine

the witness on her politics.

that'’s why we'’re here.

Am I right?

Ms. Donner, you endeavor
to substitute

your judgment for that
of the Commander-in-Chief.

Probably not,
otherwise we'’d never get

our 17-year-olds to
fight our illegal wars.

Well, I see you have it in
for all the presidents.

Although, I must say,

I do admire a young lady who
fights for what she believes in.

And in this case, you decided
to distribute the drugs

to underage girls, knowing
full well that your actions

were against the law.

Didn'’t you, Ms. Donner?

Yes.

I guess we'’d have
a better country

if we all just started breaking
the laws we don'’t agree with.

You concur, Ms. Donner?

He'’s good, Cruickshank.

Weird, but good.

You know, it'’s funny,
in my day,

in most states, you had to be
married just to get on the pill.

Now, everybody'’s having sex
except for the married folks.

And he'’s back.

Unlike you, Harry, I just
can'’t get comfortable

taking advantage of people in
the throes of a mental lapse.

If you want out of the bet,
I'’ll let you out.

I don'’t want out.
My firm is going to win.

Harry, we have 180
lawyers at my firm.

You know the misogynists
who work in corporate;

they hire on looks alone.

You know what'’s sexy, Sam?

Character. Intelligence.

Compassion.

My people ooze all that.

While your people just ooze.

We'’re gonna kick your
silicone-injected asses.

[chuckling]:
Wow.

Sounds almost like you'’d be
willing to go double-or-nothing.

Double it is.

Well, I guess
I have no choice

but to try to save face, then.

See you at the ball,
Cinderella.

He just played me, didn'’t he?

Like a piano.

How much is it, Harry?

Mm...

[groans]
Somewhere around...

$3.1 million.

So, how is it you'’re here
today, Madison?

Well, you want
the whole story?

I know it'’s embarrassing,
but if you wouldn'’t mind.

Well... my boyfriend
and I had sex,

and his condom ripped.

We had never really planned
to have sex.

At least, I didn'’t.

And he said he didn'’t either,

but he did, somehow,
have a condom in his pocket.

PHOEBE: And not a very good
condom, I gather.

Well, I'’m not an expert,
but it did rip.

I was freaked.

If I got pregnant at 15...

PHOEBE:
So what did you do?

Well, I'’d heard
that Jessica--

I didn'’t know her--

I heard that you could get
the morning-after pill from her.

Which was my only option
without a prescription.

And why not just get
a prescription?

I'’d need my parents'’ permission.

And if I went to them,
they'’d kill me.

Seriously,
why not just go to them?

Seriously, they'’d kill me.

So I went to Jessica.

Her.

And she sold me the pill.

Well, you seem like a remarkably
loyal friend, I must say.

I'’m not her friend.

Oh, right.

Just a customer.

I should have said,
"loyal customer."

Did Ms. Donner ask you
if you had a prescription?

No, she didn'’t.

I see. And have you ever
taken this drug before?

No.

And you'’re sure it wasn'’t
something else?

I mean, you did buy it out
of a locker, not a pharmacy.

It said "Just In Case"
right on the package.

I see. And if I gave you
a candy bar

with "Snickers" printed on the
label, you'’d just eat it?

Objection: this case is
not about

Mr. Cruickshank'’s proclivity
for offering

candy bars to underage girls.

Let'’s just move it along.

Did the defendant give you any
special instructions

with respect to this drug?

Instructions? It was a pill.

Well, for example, did she warn
you about side effects?

Did she inquire as to other
medications that you were on?

Did you discuss possible
drug interactions?

No.
I see.

Just "Thank you for the
money. Here'’s your pill."

Objection.Sustained.

It must'’ve been
some comfort to know

Was it of some comfort, Madison?

I don'’t know. I guess.

Yeah, in fact, if you hadn'’t had
a condom at all,

good to know you had this supply

of morning-after pills
available, right?

Makes it easier for underage
girls at your school

to have sex, I suppose.Objection!

Sorry. It seems I hit
a nerve back there.

I believe I have
nothing further.

Tommy, I need you.

Harry, she'’s got
my balls in a lockbox.

I don'’t care.
You got a

real shot at medaling in
the over-50 division.

If I could just get a
third-place finish out of you.

I need those points.

Relationships are about
compromise.

You'’ll enter in the "Most
Eligible Over-50" division.

Case closed.
What about Chunhua, is she in?

Very grudgingly.

And I am

totally willing to take one
for the team.

And from the team, so I hear.

Ah, Cassie, good.
Listen, I don'’t want you

to take this
in a sexist

You'’ve got nice ones,
long ones.

I expect you to use every inch.

She'’s lost her mind.

Totally.

And she'’s risked
losing the firm.

She doubled the bet
with Berman.

We'’re on the hook for
out-of-pocket now.

She'’s out of control.

It'’s called
"Just In Case."

It couldn'’t be easier,
it'’s one step.

You swallow it.

Is that important, Doctor?

It'’s important because the
reason stated by the government

to prevent its marketing
to underage women

was that it'’s too complicated
for teens to use.

You seem a little perturbed.

It comes in a little pack
with directions.

It'’s a pill.

The morning-after pill
has no effect

on established pregnancies.

It'’s basically a higher dose
of hormones

that prevents ovulation.

What about safety?

It'’s certainly safer
than pregnancy.

including ibuprofen,
antihistamines,

certain cough medicines.

Your Honor, this discussion
isn'’t about whether

the drug should be
available to minors

with a prescription.

Under the law,
it isn'’t.

The only issue before this

court is did the defendant
commit a crime.

The doctor'’s own policy views
are irrelevant.

Objection is sustained.

May I respond to that?Briefly.

The point I'’m
trying to make:

scientific experts,
including OB/GYNs

and pediatricians, reviewed

the morning-after pill
and agreed

that it met
the regulatory standard

for a non-prescription drug.

The FDA concluded the same

and approved it for all women
of childbearing potential.

This was the
right call.

And the administration
overruled it,

in all likelihood
because it'’s an election year.

We all certainly appreciate
your input.

Tell me, Doctor,
is it legal for a minor

under the age of 17
to purchase "Just In Case"

without a prescription?

No.

Is it legal for someone
17 or older

to purchase "Just In Case,"
and then give it to a minor?

No.

Thank you.

PHOEBE: He won'’t budge
on the felony conviction.

He did intimate he'’d wiggle
with sentencing, but...

Well, look, if he'’ll
go easy on sentencing,

that'’s half the battle.

She'’ll kiss Yale good-bye.

If you don'’t have a deal,

I think we need to keep going
forward, keep negotiating.

Can I have a sec?

Oh, get over
yourself.

I need him to medal.

You cannot just order someone

to objectify himself
in front of...

Yes, I can.

I'’m the boss.

God, people need to lighten up
around here.

Not me. I'’m already light.

The facts of this case
couldn'’t be simpler.

Jessica Donner sold
and distributed

a regulated medication
to underage minors.

We call that trafficking.

It'’s the same as though
she were 21,

went out, bought some beer,
and then sold it to teenagers.

Or cocaine.

We all saw Madison Tanaka on the
stand-- so young, so vulnerable.

Jessica Donner is not a doctor.

She was effectively
treating this young person,

prescribing medication.

The defendant is hardly educated
enough to counsel

or to diagnose-- she'’s not in
any position to understand

the intricacies
of drug interaction.

She'’s been poisoning
these young girls

with a high dose of hormones.

I suppose
some of you are parents.

I realize...

it seems like anything goes
these days.

The most popular television show
on MTV is

the Jersey Shore,which flaunts
sex, with drunken jezebels

"smushing" any "juicehead"
that stumbles past.

And who watches MTV?
Teenagers.

Our youth.

Of course kids want
to have sex.

By God, they probably
feel they'’re expected to.

And children are now sexually
active; I get that.

It'’s a bit frightening
for all of us.

Them, too, I suppose.

that instead of turning
to their parents or physicians

for emotional and medical
counseling

during this
very dangerous threshold...

they rather seek out other
teenagers.

And when these
14- and 15-year-old girls--

sometimes 13-year-old girls--

when they do decide "Hey, let'’s
have a go at this sex thing,"

and they go looking
for a little advice...

older enablers like Jessica
Donner are right there

waiting for them,

ready and willing
to sell them a drug.

Wow.

Almost.

Kids growing up--
it'’s a scary thing, period.

One day they'’re playing
with dolls,

and the next...

Whether it'’s driving a car,
going to high school parties,

engaging in risky behavior,

there is nothing more terrifying
to any parent

than watching their child
navigate through the teen years.

And it would be nice if the
adults could be there every step

of the way to help guide them.

We'’re not. Not by a long shot.

Madison and Jessica, the two
young ladies you heard from,

their school teaches
abstinence only.

They'’re not even
educated on condoms.

This.

The idea of this finding its
way into our school system...

many adults find that idea
repulsive.

Perhaps the most important piece
of health advice one can give

his or her teenage child:
the condom.

We do our best as a society
to keep it secret.

Icky. Turn on the
television, just try watching

for an hour or two without
seeing an ad

for erectile dysfunction.

How to perform better?

Sure.

How to be safe?

Uh-uh.

Our government
won'’t stand for that.

Guys, what are we doing?

Teenagers are having sex.

We want them to be safe.

We want to deter
unwanted teenage pregnancies.

The doctors, the scientists--

medical and social alike--
the FDA,

they'’ve all said, "Hey,

"let'’s make
the morning-after pill

"available over the counter

to all women
of child-bearing years."

Our administration maintains

it will never let politics
trump science.

This is silly.

A straight-A student,
bound for Yale.

He wants to keep her from Yale
and put her in prison.

This is silly.

[upbeat music playing,
shouting and clapping]

EMCEE:
Let'’s keep this party rolling

with this next
tall drink of water,

Cincinnati'’s own Liz Colt!

♪ Let'’s ride to the liquor store
around the corner ♪

♪ The boys say they want
some gin and juice ♪

♪ But I really don'’t want a ♪

♪ Beer bust
like I had last week ♪

♪ I must stay deep
because talk is cheap ♪

♪ I like Angela, Pamela,
Sandra and Rita ♪

♪ And as I continue you know
they are getting sweeter... ♪

[song continues]

Okay.

I need each of you
to smile and put out.

I know you'’ll be a trooper.

Chunhua.

You ready?
All set.

Burn the house down!

[raucous cheering]

♪ A little bit of Jessica,
here I am... ♪

Hey.

Hey.

Not competing
tonight?

Harry doesn'’t think
I'’m hot enough.

The question is:

why aren'’t
you entering?

I did that last year.

Been there.

You won, didn'’t you?

I did.

How many years have you won?

Three.

In a row?

It'’s Cincinnati.

Okay, when our people
come out here,

scream for all
you'’re worth.

Popularity is contagious.

Hey, Gwynnie.[cell phone ringing]

Hello?

[cheering, applause
and whistling]

Can you scream it?
I'’m in a loud place.

Now?

Harry, jury is back.

Tell Ollie I'’ve got it covered.

You sure?
Harry.

The competition.

I'’m starting to like that kid.

Here comes Chunhua.

Yeah!

[airhorn blaring]EMCEE: ...take a gander
at Chunhua Lao!

She'’s good, Adam.Yeah, she is.

EMCEE: A newcomer hailing from
the Law Offices of Harry Korn,

this "Hot Assistant" can examine
my briefs anytime.

HARRY:
Go, Chunhua!

[airhorn honks]

[cheering]

HARRY:
Aw, yeah!

Aw, yeah!

That'’s what I'’m talking about!

[airhorn blaring]

[sultry music playing]

[cheering]

Yeah!

Law Offices of Harriet Korn!

We'’re hot!

I rest my case!

Where'’s Oliver?

Oh, he'’s a
bit tied up.

We'’re good.

What does it mean that they
already have a verdict?

It could mean
anything, Mr. Donner.

There'’s no way
of really telling.

I just spoke
to the clerk,

and the jury should be
coming in, in ten.

Oh, my God.Hey.

Positive thoughts, okay?

Think win.

♪ A little bit of Rita
is all I need ♪

♪ A little bit
of Tina is what I see ♪

♪ A little bit of Sandra
in the sun ♪

♪ A little bit of Mary
all night long ♪

♪ A little bit of Jessica,
here I am ♪

♪ A little bit of you
makes me your man... ♪

If we don'’t win...

Some of these people
are kind of attractive, Harry.

Don'’t say that.

Nobody'’s had anything
on Chunhua so far.

Oh, there he is.

Looking so, so cocky.

[cheering and applause]

CASSIE:
We got this, guys.

Okay. Simon Jones is next.

Tommy Jefferson
in three.

Bring it home, Tommy.

We need this one.

Don'’t worry about me.
I'’m ready.

Tommy, three,
two, one.

Go, Tommy!

Hot!

That'’s hot!

[airhorn blaring]

♪ You'’ve got the moneymaker ♪

Oh, money! Nothing hotter!

♪ You'’ve got the moneymaker ♪

What the hell
is he doing?

♪ This is your chance
to make it ♪

♪ Out, out, out ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Oh, whoa!
The man'’s loaded!

♪ You'’ll get out, out, out,
oh, yeah ♪

Oh, my God.
What a teaser.

♪ You'’ve got the moneymaker ♪

♪ They showed the money to you ♪

What you gonna do now, baby?

Credit cards!
Lots of credit cards!

That'’s hot!

[yells]

♪ You'’ll get out, out, out ♪

♪ Oh, yeah. ♪Tommy, that'’s hot!

Yeah!

My God!

[song ends]Oh, my God.

EMCEE:
Don'’t let this next contestant'’s

buttoned-up attire fool ya...

[upbeat song begins]

...the way I hear it,

Oh, I can'’t look.

♪ ♪

ADAM:
Easy, girl. Oh, mother...

Is it over?

[cheering]

Oh, mother.

Madam Forewoman, has the jury
reached a unanimous verdict?

We have, Your Honor.What say you?

In the matter of The State
of Ohio v. Jessica Donner,

on the charge
of possession

with intent to distribute
a controlled substance,

we find the defendant,
Jessica Donner,

not guilty.

Oh, my God.Oh! Okay.

Okay.Thank you so much.

I don'’t know how
to thank you.

The half nelson is good.

[laughter]

Where'’s Ollie?

Well...

[R&B intro begins]

Okay.

Let'’s kill this thing,
shall we?

Can you dance at all?

Can I what?

Just follow me.

EMCEE: ...Cassie Reynolds
and Ollie Richard.

♪ I ♪

♪ I'’m so in love with you ♪

[cheering and applause]

♪ Whatever you want to do ♪

♪ Is all right with me ♪

♪ You make me feel ♪

♪ So brand-new ♪

♪ And I want to spend... ♪

[cheering]

Now, that is hot.

No kidding.

♪ Oh, let'’s... ♪

♪ Let'’s stay together ♪

[cheering and applause]

♪ Loving you whether ♪

♪ Whether ♪

♪ Times are good or bad ♪

♪ Happy or sad... ♪

EMCEE:
Medaling in an unprecedented

three categories,
including a first

in "Hottest Assistant,"
a second

in "Most Eligible Bachelor
Over 50"

and another first
in "Hottest Couple,"

the winner and new champion

of the Lockober
Spring Gala Event goes to...

the Law Offices of Harriet Korn!

[cheering]

Oh, my God!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

OLLIE:
So, the big question--

if you had
lost the bet,

would we have
still had to pay?

Maybe not.[laughter]

I mean, it'’s
unenforceable.

But it doesn'’t matter.

I just wanted
to beat that putz.

Firm.
Excuse me?

Nothing.
Congrats, Harry.

Big win.

[laughter]

All came down
to my legs.

TOMMY:
Ooh.

Ow!
Ah, listen,
I'’m sorry.

to ask you guys to parade
yourselves out like that.

I apologize.

HARRY:
Gwynnie.

We heard you won.

We did.
As did you, I'’m told.

Congrats.
Thanks.

We medaled in three categories.

You are a hot, sexy firm.

We are.

And you know what else?

We'’re a fine family, too.

TOMMY:
Ah, cheers.

♪ The bittersweet
between my teeth ♪

♪ Trying to find
the in-between ♪

♪ Fall back in love eventually ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

Captioning sponsored by
WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org

Score! Score! Score! Boom!Stinker!

[woman groans]