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- Sync: caioalbanezi -
- Corrections: brayanatsix -
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- www.addic7ed.com -
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♪ Let me take a selfie ♪
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00:00:08,669 --> 00:00:10,436
The funny thing is,
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00:00:10,437 --> 00:00:13,339
people used to call me butt-ugly.
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00:00:13,677 --> 00:00:14,979
In my 7th-grade yearbook,
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00:00:14,980 --> 00:00:17,915
I was literally voted "most butt."
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00:00:17,916 --> 00:00:21,118
So I took a lesson from Corynn McWatters,
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00:00:21,119 --> 00:00:24,202
I blew out my curls and pushed up the girls,
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00:00:24,656 --> 00:00:27,173
corrected my vision, stepped up my nutrition,
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00:00:27,174 --> 00:00:28,691
traded likes for likes,
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00:00:28,692 --> 00:00:32,043
and before long, I was insta-famous.
13
00:00:32,044 --> 00:00:35,134
I have 263,000 friends, followers...
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00:00:35,135 --> 00:00:36,934
And insta-quaintances.
15
00:00:36,935 --> 00:00:39,804
Not to mention the love and respect of my co-workers,
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00:00:39,805 --> 00:00:40,838
who happen to be on board.
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00:00:40,839 --> 00:00:42,840
Got the upgrade, ladies.
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00:00:42,841 --> 00:00:44,508
Don't be jelly, Linda.
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00:00:45,643 --> 00:00:47,611
Is that one of ours?
20
00:00:47,612 --> 00:00:49,513
Eliza Dooley,
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00:00:49,514 --> 00:00:51,716
- our company's best-performing sales rep?
- Yeah.
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00:00:51,717 --> 00:00:54,785
She's our best sales rep?
That can't be true.
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00:00:54,786 --> 00:00:58,013
That's the magic of the miniskirt...
no one's immune,
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00:00:58,014 --> 00:01:00,558
including Miller from legal,
who happens to be...
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00:01:00,559 --> 00:01:01,559
Married, isn't he?
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00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:02,860
She hasn't picked up on that yet.
27
00:01:02,861 --> 00:01:06,464
She's been a little too busy making
sure her lipstick matches her thong.
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00:01:06,865 --> 00:01:09,224
How do you know so much about
her lipstick and her thong?
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00:01:09,225 --> 00:01:10,768
I follow her on instagram.
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00:01:10,769 --> 00:01:12,570
Very classy.
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00:01:12,571 --> 00:01:14,218
What is this, her breakfast?
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00:01:14,219 --> 00:01:16,368
See, this is exactly what I can't stand.
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Social media is this...
is this giant fingernail
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00:01:19,378 --> 00:01:21,512
scratching this woman's
itch for constant attention.
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00:01:21,513 --> 00:01:22,713
Giant fingernail.
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00:01:22,714 --> 00:01:24,815
"Oh, look at me. Something
good happened. #blessed."
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00:01:24,816 --> 00:01:27,551
"Oh, look at me. Something
bad happened. #stillblessed."
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00:01:27,552 --> 00:01:29,487
"I'm at the gym. #gymflow."
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00:01:29,488 --> 00:01:30,888
"I'm at work. #workflow."
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"Oh, I'm standing near a baby.
#babyflow, #circleoflife, #blessed."
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Your volume is really high right now.
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00:01:38,339 --> 00:01:40,100
Why does her generation
feel compelled to tweet
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00:01:40,101 --> 00:01:41,501
every item that goes
into their mouths,
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00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:43,401
including Miller from marketing's...
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00:01:43,402 --> 00:01:45,669
- Warm nuts?
- Thanks.
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00:01:49,974 --> 00:01:52,710
Thought you could escape me in first class?
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Eliza, wait.
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00:01:55,781 --> 00:01:58,513
Look, I know it's intimidating
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to fall for a girl with
a strong pelvic floor
50
00:02:00,552 --> 00:02:03,487
and an advertising presence
on her Facebook page...
51
00:02:03,488 --> 00:02:04,688
No, no. It's not that.
52
00:02:04,689 --> 00:02:06,791
Then what?
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00:02:06,792 --> 00:02:09,387
Devices off. Seat belts buckled.
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00:02:14,566 --> 00:02:17,802
He was... married?
55
00:02:18,727 --> 00:02:21,050
And I just needed to gif
my way through that.
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00:02:22,506 --> 00:02:26,243
Nausea, dizziness, a legit
case of ham tongue.
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00:02:26,244 --> 00:02:28,479
It was either the turbulence
or grinder's remorse
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00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:29,713
or a rare combination of the...
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00:02:31,683 --> 00:02:34,552
Oh, wow.
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00:02:34,553 --> 00:02:37,688
That was, uh...
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00:02:37,689 --> 00:02:39,757
Are you okay?
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00:02:39,758 --> 00:02:42,526
Can you please move your nuts?
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00:02:42,527 --> 00:02:43,594
Yep.
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Married.
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You're married.
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00:02:53,605 --> 00:02:56,507
Why does this crap always happen to...
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00:02:57,642 --> 00:03:00,411
So, hey, maybe you should...
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Head to the bathroom now.
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00:03:02,414 --> 00:03:04,849
I think they've got a toilet in there.
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00:03:13,524 --> 00:03:19,459
♪ One is the loneliest number
that you'll ever do ♪
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♪ Two can be as bad as one ♪
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♪ It's the loneliest number
since the number one ♪
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00:03:33,845 --> 00:03:36,516
I couldn't tell what sucked more...
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00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:40,469
Being drenched in panic pudding
at a cruising altitude of 36,000 feet
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00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:42,653
or how many people
liked seeing me that way.
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00:03:44,522 --> 00:03:46,524
Everything okay in there?
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00:03:48,660 --> 00:03:49,793
Not really.
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00:03:49,794 --> 00:03:51,729
My new boyfriend is someone else's husband.
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00:03:51,730 --> 00:03:53,697
I barfed all over my Louboutins.
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00:03:53,698 --> 00:03:55,533
The plane is full of my co-workers.
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And now I'm stranded in
here, naked and afraid.
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00:03:58,537 --> 00:04:00,471
Oh.
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00:04:00,472 --> 00:04:03,807
Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm gonna
need you to vacate the lav.
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00:04:03,808 --> 00:04:05,509
Okay. I'll vacate your lav,
85
00:04:05,510 --> 00:04:08,812
but can you at least grab me
an extra stewardess outfit?
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00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:11,582
I probably wouldn't do the little lady tie,
87
00:04:11,583 --> 00:04:14,518
but the skirt, yes, and
the button-down, certainly.
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00:04:14,519 --> 00:04:17,421
And why not?
Sure... the vest.
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00:04:17,422 --> 00:04:19,490
Ma'am, this is not a department store.
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00:04:19,491 --> 00:04:20,791
There are no extra outfits.
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00:04:22,893 --> 00:04:26,564
Carol-June, straight up, now, tell me...
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00:04:26,565 --> 00:04:28,238
What would you do if you were me?
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00:04:29,467 --> 00:04:31,360
I'd keep doing what you're doing.
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00:04:31,361 --> 00:04:33,704
I mean, is this cardio barre or pilates?
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00:04:33,705 --> 00:04:35,873
- You look fantastic.
- Thank you.
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00:04:35,874 --> 00:04:37,675
But what if you didn't
want to show this off?
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00:04:38,371 --> 00:04:39,843
It's amazing what you can do
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00:04:39,844 --> 00:04:42,746
with three in-flight
blankets tied sarong-style.
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00:04:42,747 --> 00:04:45,683
♪ I fly like paper, get high like planes ♪
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♪ If you catch me at the border, ♪
♪ I got visas in my name ♪
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00:04:48,420 --> 00:04:49,653
♪ if you come around here ♪
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00:04:49,654 --> 00:04:53,273
I'd spent years laughing...
At stupid idiots on the Internet.
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00:04:53,792 --> 00:04:57,795
And now that stupid idiot was me.
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00:04:59,664 --> 00:05:02,499
Hold the elevator! Hold!
105
00:05:06,571 --> 00:05:08,839
Even if you are in a passionless marriage,
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00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:11,442
it doesn't mean adultery is okay.
107
00:05:11,443 --> 00:05:13,121
Okay, you know what I
wasn't in the mood for?
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00:05:13,122 --> 00:05:15,406
A lecture from my
hipster-crite neighbor bryn.
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00:05:15,407 --> 00:05:16,580
She's the worst...
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00:05:16,581 --> 00:05:18,515
With her nail art and her chevron stripes
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00:05:18,516 --> 00:05:20,451
and her non-prescription
prescription glasses
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00:05:20,452 --> 00:05:21,752
and her bffs who love to diy
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00:05:21,753 --> 00:05:23,687
and their top knots and Peter Pan collars
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and cross body bags.
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00:05:24,789 --> 00:05:26,624
It's weird.
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00:05:26,625 --> 00:05:28,859
She defines herself by her sexuality,
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but I actually think
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00:05:30,528 --> 00:05:32,424
it's the least interesting thing about her.
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00:05:32,425 --> 00:05:34,476
Okay, first of all, I had
no idea he was married
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00:05:34,477 --> 00:05:36,097
when we engaged in
gland-to-gland combat,
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00:05:36,098 --> 00:05:37,548
and second of all,
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00:05:37,549 --> 00:05:40,704
I get super horny when I travel,
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and that's not my fault... that's science.
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00:05:43,841 --> 00:05:45,609
Um...
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00:05:45,610 --> 00:05:47,678
We weren't talking about you.
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00:05:48,812 --> 00:05:51,582
We were discussing "fear of flying."
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00:05:51,583 --> 00:05:55,653
By Erica Jong.
We're a book club.
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00:05:56,687 --> 00:05:58,455
I know that.
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00:05:58,456 --> 00:06:01,592
How stupid do you think I am?
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00:06:02,826 --> 00:06:05,863
I tried sending an S.O.
Text to my own friends
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00:06:05,864 --> 00:06:08,732
to see if anyone would
bring me a ginger ale...
132
00:06:10,184 --> 00:06:12,569
But no luck.
133
00:06:12,570 --> 00:06:14,874
Is there a market close
to me that delivers?
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00:06:15,707 --> 00:06:17,541
I found five markets.
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00:06:17,542 --> 00:06:19,476
Two of them are fairly close to you.
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00:06:22,248 --> 00:06:25,482
When Siri is the only person
who's there for you...
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00:06:25,483 --> 00:06:26,784
It kind of makes you realize
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00:06:26,785 --> 00:06:30,353
being friended is not the same
thing as having friends.
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00:06:36,495 --> 00:06:39,930
- So, any plans for the weekend?
- No.
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00:06:39,931 --> 00:06:41,832
So, no girlfriend.
141
00:06:42,866 --> 00:06:44,668
I'm just trying to determine
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if it's your utter lack
of personal connections
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00:06:46,705 --> 00:06:49,873
that makes you...
so good at your job.
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00:06:49,874 --> 00:06:52,476
I find it rather easy not
to form personal connections
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00:06:52,477 --> 00:06:55,500
in a city that only
values wireless connection.
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00:07:01,586 --> 00:07:03,620
- Mm. Good morning. How are you?
- Yes?
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00:07:03,621 --> 00:07:04,788
- Good morning. How are you?
- I was dreading going into work.
148
00:07:04,789 --> 00:07:05,923
- Good morning. How are you?
- Hi.
149
00:07:05,924 --> 00:07:07,758
So I waited until the coast was clear,
150
00:07:07,759 --> 00:07:10,527
like Katy Perry's skin on proactiv.
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00:07:11,595 --> 00:07:12,930
Oh. I missed one.
152
00:07:12,931 --> 00:07:14,798
Good morning, and how are you?
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00:07:14,799 --> 00:07:16,733
- Did you hear?
- No.
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00:07:16,734 --> 00:07:19,937
B.F. B.S... Got played like
"flappy bird". Mortified.com.
155
00:07:19,938 --> 00:07:21,839
Then hurled, overslept,
O.D.'D on the bean,
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00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:24,742
contracted legit hamster
breath. Ugh.
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00:07:24,743 --> 00:07:26,792
And now I'm hella-late
for the staff meeting.
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00:07:28,879 --> 00:07:32,516
Okay. Well, have a nice day.
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00:07:32,517 --> 00:07:35,763
I was praying the whole company
had forgotten about my epic fail...
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00:07:35,764 --> 00:07:39,623
Or, at the very least, was willing
to make like Elsa and "let it go."
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00:07:47,966 --> 00:07:50,801
All right, everybody, settle down.
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00:07:50,802 --> 00:07:52,970
Bring it home, everybody.
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00:07:52,971 --> 00:07:55,472
Beautiful. Good.
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00:07:55,473 --> 00:07:57,708
Now, as you all know, this
company took a Major hit
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00:07:57,709 --> 00:07:59,710
when our best-selling
pediatric nasal spray
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00:07:59,711 --> 00:08:02,579
was pulled from the shelves
for causing satanic hallucinations.
167
00:08:02,580 --> 00:08:03,647
Ah, allegedly.
168
00:08:03,648 --> 00:08:05,549
"Allegedly" is right.
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00:08:05,550 --> 00:08:08,752
Nonetheless, the product was
recalled and reformulated.
170
00:08:08,753 --> 00:08:12,623
But whether or not we could
regain the market's trust was...
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00:08:12,624 --> 00:08:13,757
Tbd.
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00:08:13,758 --> 00:08:16,894
But now, thanks to one man,
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00:08:16,895 --> 00:08:18,962
it's a big, fat "d"!
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00:08:18,963 --> 00:08:22,566
Henry, you loon, get
up here! Come on, Henry!
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00:08:22,567 --> 00:08:24,668
Come on. Yeah!
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00:08:24,669 --> 00:08:25,903
We love this guy.
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00:08:25,904 --> 00:08:27,704
Don't worry... I'm not
gonna make out with you.
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00:08:27,705 --> 00:08:29,473
I'm not gonna make out.
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00:08:29,474 --> 00:08:31,575
I lied about that.
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00:08:31,576 --> 00:08:34,645
Mmm!
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00:08:34,646 --> 00:08:36,680
You know, I read an article
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00:08:36,681 --> 00:08:37,881
that said Asian men are more comfortable
183
00:08:37,882 --> 00:08:40,951
kissing on the mouth
as a sign of friendship.
184
00:08:40,952 --> 00:08:43,520
They're not, no. Mm.
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00:08:43,521 --> 00:08:45,589
All right, well, I'll forward it to you.
186
00:08:45,590 --> 00:08:47,524
Thank you. It's good.
187
00:08:47,525 --> 00:08:50,343
Folks, this man did the impossible.
188
00:08:50,344 --> 00:08:53,864
He took a product whose reputation
had been badly tarnished
189
00:08:53,865 --> 00:09:01,823
and rebranded it as a product that
consumers could once again love and trust.
190
00:09:01,824 --> 00:09:04,908
Okay, if that dude in the vest
could remarket our nasal spray,
191
00:09:04,909 --> 00:09:07,544
he could definitely remarket me.
192
00:09:07,545 --> 00:09:10,948
And I love and trust you. Mm.
193
00:09:11,949 --> 00:09:13,851
I love and trust you, too, sir.
194
00:09:13,852 --> 00:09:15,552
Yeah. Yeah.
195
00:09:15,553 --> 00:09:16,720
Take a moment.
196
00:09:18,590 --> 00:09:20,924
You're, uh, coming to my daughter's
wedding this weekend, right?
197
00:09:20,925 --> 00:09:22,659
Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world, sir.
198
00:09:22,660 --> 00:09:24,928
Good. Good.
199
00:09:24,929 --> 00:09:26,497
Bring a date.
200
00:09:26,498 --> 00:09:28,599
You're always alone. It's kind of weird.
201
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:31,702
- I wouldn't call it weird.
- It is. It is.
202
00:09:33,771 --> 00:09:35,639
What are you doing in my office?
203
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:37,674
I'm Eliza, I work in sales,
204
00:09:37,675 --> 00:09:39,776
and it recently came to my
attention that I have poor instincts,
205
00:09:39,777 --> 00:09:41,545
a weak stomach, no real friends, and...
206
00:09:41,546 --> 00:09:42,679
Loose sexual morals?
207
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:43,780
Have we met?
208
00:09:45,716 --> 00:09:48,919
If they make you EVP, I'm gonna murd...
209
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:51,522
Oh, sorry. I see you have company.
210
00:09:51,523 --> 00:09:52,556
She was just leaving.
211
00:09:52,557 --> 00:09:53,991
No, I wasn't.
212
00:09:53,992 --> 00:09:55,959
I'm not leaving until
you say you'll help me.
213
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:58,829
But you can't be helped.
214
00:09:58,830 --> 00:10:01,932
You are addicted to the
instant gratification
215
00:10:01,933 --> 00:10:04,635
of unearned adulation from
a group of perfect strangers
216
00:10:04,636 --> 00:10:07,210
you insist on referring to
as your "friends."
217
00:10:07,211 --> 00:10:10,574
Our nasal spray caused
satanic hallucinations,
218
00:10:10,575 --> 00:10:11,675
and you fixed that.
219
00:10:11,676 --> 00:10:13,877
Come on. I just want to change my image.
220
00:10:13,878 --> 00:10:16,613
- You mean be a better person?
- Or that.
221
00:10:16,614 --> 00:10:19,716
Look, I'm not trying to, like, tug
at your heartstrings or whatever,
222
00:10:19,717 --> 00:10:22,553
but I threw up really hard.
223
00:10:22,554 --> 00:10:24,688
Like, my abs still hurt
from throwing up that hard.
224
00:10:24,689 --> 00:10:27,891
And I don't know if either of you have
ever thrown up that hard... #thestruggle.
225
00:10:27,892 --> 00:10:29,793
But it really makes you think.
226
00:10:29,794 --> 00:10:30,827
Makes you think what?
227
00:10:30,828 --> 00:10:32,763
I'm genuinely dying to know.
228
00:10:32,764 --> 00:10:36,800
When I was sick, not one person
called to see if I was okay,
229
00:10:36,801 --> 00:10:38,769
and I don't know why.
230
00:10:38,770 --> 00:10:40,704
People used to hate me because I was butt.
231
00:10:41,605 --> 00:10:44,508
Butt-ugly... aesthetically challenged.
232
00:10:44,509 --> 00:10:45,776
But I'm not butt anymore.
233
00:10:45,777 --> 00:10:47,911
Eliza, I'm sure you're aware
234
00:10:47,912 --> 00:10:50,581
it is possible to be
beautiful on the outside
235
00:10:50,582 --> 00:10:52,849
and still... butt on the inside.
236
00:10:52,850 --> 00:10:54,551
Like Gwyneth Paltrow.
237
00:10:56,653 --> 00:10:57,955
Okay, you need to go.
238
00:10:57,956 --> 00:10:59,957
What? No.
239
00:10:59,958 --> 00:11:01,491
No, please.
240
00:11:01,492 --> 00:11:03,894
Look, I know. I know you don't like me.
241
00:11:03,895 --> 00:11:06,897
But if you don't like me,
then just change me.
242
00:11:06,898 --> 00:11:08,832
Just change me.
243
00:11:10,601 --> 00:11:12,502
I don't like you.
244
00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:17,774
But I can change you.
245
00:11:17,775 --> 00:11:20,711
Okay, please tell me you're
not actually considering this.
246
00:11:20,712 --> 00:11:22,579
If we change your packaging...
247
00:11:22,580 --> 00:11:23,780
Her "packaging"?
248
00:11:23,781 --> 00:11:24,848
Alter her formula.
249
00:11:24,849 --> 00:11:27,618
- She's not a pharmaceutical product.
- Shh!
250
00:11:27,619 --> 00:11:29,820
And yet, the same principles apply.
251
00:11:29,821 --> 00:11:31,955
If we just... if we soften her palette,
252
00:11:31,956 --> 00:11:34,658
improve her... taste, expand her market,
253
00:11:34,659 --> 00:11:37,828
I can transform this... vapid...
254
00:11:37,829 --> 00:11:40,831
Uh, despised social-media-obsessed
narcissist
255
00:11:40,832 --> 00:11:44,534
into a valued and
respected woman of stature.
256
00:11:48,772 --> 00:11:50,941
Like Linda. Like Linda.
257
00:11:52,609 --> 00:11:53,944
Only prettier.
258
00:11:55,176 --> 00:11:57,046
The next day, we got right to work.
259
00:11:57,047 --> 00:11:58,532
I'll need your implicit trust.
260
00:11:58,533 --> 00:12:00,203
That means you do anything
and everything I say,
261
00:12:00,204 --> 00:12:02,003
even if it seems unorthodox.
262
00:12:02,004 --> 00:12:03,331
Totally, just no backdoor stuff.
263
00:12:03,332 --> 00:12:04,849
Okay, that... that's... come here.
264
00:12:04,850 --> 00:12:06,723
That's another thing...
you mustn't misinterpret
265
00:12:06,724 --> 00:12:08,823
my professional interest
as romantic interest
266
00:12:08,824 --> 00:12:10,380
because, I assure you,
there isn't any.
267
00:12:10,381 --> 00:12:11,945
Oh, got it. Got it. We're just friends.
268
00:12:11,946 --> 00:12:13,202
We're not... we're not friends.
269
00:12:13,203 --> 00:12:14,938
And it's important to me
that you acknowledge that.
270
00:12:14,939 --> 00:12:16,764
Fine. We're not friends,
and you're a gay dude.
271
00:12:16,765 --> 00:12:19,490
I'm... I am not a gay dude.
272
00:12:20,605 --> 00:12:23,010
Just go about your day
as you normally would.
273
00:12:24,364 --> 00:12:26,861
- Good morning. How are you?
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
274
00:12:26,862 --> 00:12:29,675
That bald dude from the 12th floor
took total fart blanche in the elevator,
275
00:12:29,676 --> 00:12:32,594
so if you catch a whiff of something,
it's residual him... not me. LOL.
276
00:12:32,595 --> 00:12:36,382
- May I point something out?
- Yeah.
277
00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:39,501
Every day, you greet Eliza, do you not?
278
00:12:39,502 --> 00:12:41,187
I sure do. I check in with everybody.
279
00:12:41,188 --> 00:12:43,383
And in the entire time
that you've worked here,
280
00:12:43,384 --> 00:12:45,615
has Eliza ever once
asked how you are doing?
281
00:12:49,091 --> 00:12:50,864
You know the first thing about this woman?
282
00:12:52,465 --> 00:12:54,200
Do you, uh...
283
00:12:54,201 --> 00:12:56,402
Do you even know her name?
284
00:12:58,411 --> 00:12:59,906
Charmonique.
285
00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:01,340
What?
286
00:13:01,341 --> 00:13:02,341
Charmonique.
287
00:13:02,342 --> 00:13:03,376
Ch... ch...
288
00:13:03,377 --> 00:13:05,144
Charmon... charmonique.
289
00:13:05,145 --> 00:13:06,145
Charmonique.
290
00:13:06,146 --> 00:13:07,880
Like "Monique," but with a "Char."
291
00:13:07,881 --> 00:13:12,617
Okay, but, in my defense,
that's not a real name.
292
00:13:12,618 --> 00:13:14,153
- Hmm?!
- Lesson number one...
293
00:13:14,154 --> 00:13:16,355
Each and every morning as you
pass by Charmonique's desk,
294
00:13:16,356 --> 00:13:18,124
I want you to ask how she's doing.
295
00:13:18,125 --> 00:13:19,425
Totes. Coolio.
296
00:13:19,426 --> 00:13:21,160
- Donezo.
- Let's start now.
297
00:13:21,161 --> 00:13:22,461
Okay.
298
00:13:22,462 --> 00:13:25,464
Open your lips and repeat
after me... "How are you?"
299
00:13:28,300 --> 00:13:30,364
How are you?
300
00:13:31,332 --> 00:13:32,729
How are you?
301
00:13:32,730 --> 00:13:35,882
Go-o-o-od.
302
00:13:37,076 --> 00:13:39,412
Then, if you will, a follow-up question...
303
00:13:39,413 --> 00:13:41,524
For example, "How'd you sleep last night?"
304
00:13:41,525 --> 00:13:44,316
You know what? Not great.
305
00:13:44,317 --> 00:13:47,153
But that's because I had my
9-year-old in bed with me.
306
00:13:47,154 --> 00:13:48,387
See, he has sleep apnea, so...
307
00:13:48,388 --> 00:13:51,190
Did you hear that? Put the
phone down. Off your phone.
308
00:13:51,191 --> 00:13:54,015
Apparently, Charmonique and her
son didn't sleep well last night.
309
00:13:55,161 --> 00:13:57,696
Now it's your turn to
say something sympathetic.
310
00:14:01,133 --> 00:14:03,202
I'm really glad I don't have kids.
311
00:14:07,340 --> 00:14:09,075
You're not slurping.
312
00:14:09,076 --> 00:14:10,509
We're making pleasant conversation.
313
00:14:10,510 --> 00:14:14,313
We are not... on our phones.
314
00:14:14,314 --> 00:14:17,083
We are looking into each other's eyes
315
00:14:17,084 --> 00:14:20,386
and giving one another
our undivided attention.
316
00:14:20,387 --> 00:14:21,520
Good.
317
00:14:23,290 --> 00:14:26,425
I'd like you to answer these questions
as honestly as you possibly can.
318
00:14:26,426 --> 00:14:30,425
"The thing I'm most
soothed by in life is..."
319
00:14:31,430 --> 00:14:33,432
The sound of gentle rain against windows
320
00:14:33,433 --> 00:14:36,802
or medium rain against rooftop
with overspill from gutters.
321
00:14:38,304 --> 00:14:40,339
I have a rain app on my phone.
322
00:14:40,340 --> 00:14:41,963
That's pathetic. Please delete it.
323
00:14:41,964 --> 00:14:43,209
It's free.
324
00:14:43,210 --> 00:14:45,411
"The thing I'm most confused by is..."
325
00:14:45,412 --> 00:14:48,314
Plus-size skinny jeans.
326
00:14:48,315 --> 00:14:50,249
It's like, why?
327
00:14:50,250 --> 00:14:53,352
Okay. Class dismissed.
328
00:14:55,521 --> 00:14:57,223
Uh, wait.
329
00:14:57,224 --> 00:15:00,159
Wait. I almost forgot.
330
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,061
I'm giving you an assignment.
331
00:15:02,062 --> 00:15:03,395
Ooh!
332
00:15:03,396 --> 00:15:06,499
Sam Saperstein's daughter
is getting married,
333
00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:09,135
and I'd like you to
attend the event with me.
334
00:15:09,136 --> 00:15:11,336
I think it'll be a chance
to show the higher-ups
335
00:15:11,337 --> 00:15:13,339
a side of yourself other than the back one.
336
00:15:14,340 --> 00:15:16,108
Write this down.
337
00:15:17,176 --> 00:15:19,078
Okay.
338
00:15:21,347 --> 00:15:24,183
Makeup should be light,
your dress less tight.
339
00:15:24,184 --> 00:15:26,318
Hair should be tame,
your face softly framed.
340
00:15:26,319 --> 00:15:28,454
No 6-inch heels, no cleavage revealed.
341
00:15:28,455 --> 00:15:31,257
Nothing coarse, nothing sleazy,
342
00:15:31,258 --> 00:15:33,225
and bring a wrap in case it's breezy.
343
00:15:35,161 --> 00:15:38,130
With my credit cards maxed
and my own clothes too slutty,
344
00:15:38,131 --> 00:15:40,499
I had no choice other than
to ask a friend for help.
345
00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:44,020
But all the girls I knew were either
drunk or at soulcycle, which left...
346
00:15:44,021 --> 00:15:45,237
Hold the elevator!
347
00:15:47,306 --> 00:15:49,441
Bryn.
348
00:15:52,178 --> 00:15:54,480
Bryn, I am so screwed.
349
00:15:54,481 --> 00:15:56,215
I have this work wedding,
350
00:15:56,216 --> 00:15:58,417
and I don't have anything
appropriate to wear.
351
00:15:58,418 --> 00:16:00,085
And if you help me,
352
00:16:00,086 --> 00:16:03,122
I swear will never anonymously
complain to management
353
00:16:03,123 --> 00:16:04,323
about your book club again.
354
00:16:04,324 --> 00:16:07,226
I knew that was you!
355
00:16:12,198 --> 00:16:16,168
You are lucky "make-unders"
are my everything.
356
00:16:19,005 --> 00:16:20,306
Bryn was on board.
357
00:16:20,307 --> 00:16:22,341
What I didn't realize was
358
00:16:22,342 --> 00:16:24,410
that meant the rest of her
book club was on board, too.
359
00:16:24,411 --> 00:16:25,411
Hi!
360
00:16:25,412 --> 00:16:27,379
Hi!
361
00:16:27,380 --> 00:16:31,250
Come in. Come in.
362
00:16:31,251 --> 00:16:32,451
How about the peach one?
363
00:16:32,452 --> 00:16:34,053
- Ooh!
- Oh.
364
00:16:34,054 --> 00:16:35,354
Oh, yeah, I love the peach one,
365
00:16:35,355 --> 00:16:37,223
but it might be small in the bust.
366
00:16:37,224 --> 00:16:39,458
Oh, because of these?
Oh, no, these aren't real.
367
00:16:41,393 --> 00:16:43,295
Still, it might
be tight in the rear.
368
00:16:43,296 --> 00:16:46,332
Oh, because of this?
Oh, no, this isn't real.
369
00:16:48,033 --> 00:16:50,302
Okay. We might be in business now.
370
00:16:50,303 --> 00:16:52,404
Take a seat.
371
00:16:52,405 --> 00:16:55,307
Were you planning on doing
your own hair and makeup?
372
00:16:55,308 --> 00:16:58,210
Because I don't think that's a good idea.
373
00:16:58,211 --> 00:17:01,280
As wren cleaned out the litter box
of my cat who died six months ago
374
00:17:01,281 --> 00:17:04,450
and eyelet dumped my old
lo mein into the trash,
375
00:17:04,451 --> 00:17:08,450
I had to wonder... is this
what friends do for each other?
376
00:17:10,256 --> 00:17:13,058
♪ Rah, rah, rah-ah-ah ♪
377
00:17:14,193 --> 00:17:17,129
♪ Roma roma ma ♪
378
00:17:19,164 --> 00:17:21,500
♪ Ga-ga-ooh-la-la ♪
379
00:17:21,501 --> 00:17:24,169
♪ Want your bad romance ♪
380
00:17:24,170 --> 00:17:27,106
♪ I want your love and
I want your revenge ♪
381
00:17:27,107 --> 00:17:30,442
♪ You and me could write
a bad romance ♪
382
00:17:30,443 --> 00:17:32,544
♪ Whoa-oh-oh, oh-oh, ♪
♪ I want your love ♪
383
00:17:32,545 --> 00:17:34,546
These girls really knew
how to get ready.
384
00:17:34,547 --> 00:17:38,183
♪ You and me could write
a bad romance ♪
385
00:17:38,184 --> 00:17:41,120
♪ Oh, whoa-oh, oh-oh ♪
386
00:17:41,121 --> 00:17:43,322
♪ Oh ♪
387
00:17:48,327 --> 00:17:51,163
Hi.
388
00:17:51,164 --> 00:17:53,065
Hi.
389
00:17:53,066 --> 00:17:55,501
Wow. You are...
390
00:17:58,070 --> 00:18:01,040
Wearing an enormous amount of fragrance.
391
00:18:01,041 --> 00:18:02,441
Can't you say anything nice?
392
00:18:02,442 --> 00:18:05,077
Well, had you employed a lighter touch...
393
00:18:05,078 --> 00:18:07,279
Never mind. Let me just grab
the tiniest purse known to man,
394
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:08,280
and then we can go.
395
00:18:08,281 --> 00:18:10,149
Whoa.
396
00:18:11,250 --> 00:18:13,352
- My, that is wee.
- Yeah.
397
00:18:13,353 --> 00:18:15,454
You don't even want to know
where I had to stash my phone.
398
00:18:15,455 --> 00:18:18,324
No phones. No... no... no wedding selfies.
399
00:18:18,325 --> 00:18:21,060
Today's about focusing on a
beauty other than your own.
400
00:18:23,095 --> 00:18:25,197
Is there something funny?
401
00:18:25,198 --> 00:18:27,199
You just called me beautiful.
402
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:30,002
- I absolutely didn't.
- You indirectly did.
403
00:18:31,204 --> 00:18:33,172
Henry, who is this
beautiful girl on your arm?
404
00:18:33,173 --> 00:18:36,375
Sir, this is Eliza Dooley.
She works in sales.
405
00:18:36,376 --> 00:18:38,210
Eliza Dooley.
406
00:18:39,479 --> 00:18:43,148
Wow. Uh, Eliza, you...
you, uh... you look amazing.
407
00:18:43,149 --> 00:18:44,183
Right?
408
00:18:44,184 --> 00:18:45,384
- "Thank you."
- Thank you.
409
00:18:45,385 --> 00:18:47,353
- "How are you?"
- How are you?
410
00:18:47,354 --> 00:18:49,188
- Good!
- Good!
411
00:18:51,090 --> 00:18:53,425
And now, in lieu of vows,
412
00:18:53,426 --> 00:18:57,329
Maureen will recite a poem
she wrote for Terrance.
413
00:18:59,099 --> 00:19:03,001
If I'm the fire, you're the spark.
414
00:19:03,002 --> 00:19:06,105
If I'm the nest, you're my lark.
415
00:19:06,106 --> 00:19:09,441
If I'm the lock, you're the key.
416
00:19:09,442 --> 00:19:13,345
If I am hook, you are smee.
417
00:19:13,346 --> 00:19:16,148
- Did she say "smee"?
- Yes, I believe so.
418
00:19:16,149 --> 00:19:18,350
If I'm the eye, you're the tear.
419
00:19:18,351 --> 00:19:22,054
If I am bagel, you're my schmear.
420
00:19:22,055 --> 00:19:23,188
Why would she be bagel?
421
00:19:23,189 --> 00:19:24,490
It's unclear. Shh!
422
00:19:24,491 --> 00:19:27,259
If I'm the dark, you're the light.
423
00:19:27,260 --> 00:19:30,295
If I'm Ben Franklin, you're my Kite.
424
00:19:30,296 --> 00:19:33,499
If I am nordstrom, you're the rack.
425
00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:35,334
If I'm a net...
426
00:19:35,335 --> 00:19:39,138
As I listened to Maureen recite
those crazy vows, it hit me...
427
00:19:39,139 --> 00:19:42,040
I might get thousands of likes
and retweets and favorites,
428
00:19:42,041 --> 00:19:45,277
but it's entirely possible
that no one will ever look at me
429
00:19:45,278 --> 00:19:47,312
the way Terrance was looking at her.
430
00:19:47,313 --> 00:19:50,082
♪ And I'd give up forever to touch you ♪
431
00:19:50,083 --> 00:19:53,485
♪ 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow ♪
432
00:19:53,486 --> 00:19:56,221
So I did what I guess I've
always done when I needed...
433
00:19:56,222 --> 00:19:59,258
To distract myself from my feelings.
434
00:19:59,259 --> 00:20:02,194
Do you, Terrance, take Maureen
435
00:20:02,195 --> 00:20:06,465
to be your lawful wedded
wife, to have and to ho...
436
00:20:12,172 --> 00:20:13,439
Sorry.
437
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,241
S... Thought it was on silent.
438
00:20:25,151 --> 00:20:28,487
I'm not used to paying attention
to super-boring long stuff, okay?
439
00:20:28,488 --> 00:20:30,355
No, it's not okay.
440
00:20:30,356 --> 00:20:32,191
It's not just yourself you embarrassed.
441
00:20:32,192 --> 00:20:34,126
- I specifically said no phones.
- Okay, okay!
442
00:20:34,127 --> 00:20:36,769
God. Haven't you ever
made a mistake before?!
443
00:20:36,770 --> 00:20:38,430
- Yeah, I have when I agreed to help you.
- Oh, really?
444
00:20:38,431 --> 00:20:40,299
Are you helping me, or am I helping you?
445
00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:42,367
Don't think I didn't notice you
didn't have a date for this event.
446
00:20:42,368 --> 00:20:46,038
And literally anyone else in the world
would have been a better choice.
447
00:20:46,039 --> 00:20:48,207
So you admit it. Ah. I...
448
00:20:48,208 --> 00:20:50,275
And it's no surprise you don't have a date,
449
00:20:50,276 --> 00:20:53,111
because you are an unfun man.
450
00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:56,415
"Unfun" is not a word.
451
00:20:56,416 --> 00:20:57,883
And according to your
ex-girlfriend's blog,
452
00:20:57,884 --> 00:21:00,486
- that's why she broke up with you, so...
- My ex-girlfriend?
453
00:21:00,487 --> 00:21:03,255
Did you Google me?
Don't you dare Google me!
454
00:21:03,256 --> 00:21:06,091
I was just confirming
what I already know...
455
00:21:06,092 --> 00:21:09,061
You're a holier-than-thou,
antisocial, judgmental,
456
00:21:09,062 --> 00:21:13,031
hypercritical, workaholic...
457
00:21:14,066 --> 00:21:15,234
Coxcomb!
458
00:21:15,235 --> 00:21:17,169
Oh, I'm a coxcomb?
459
00:21:17,170 --> 00:21:20,272
Well, you, my dear, are a lost cause.
460
00:21:22,241 --> 00:21:24,409
Super mean!
461
00:21:30,991 --> 00:21:34,493
The next day, I decided
I was done socializing
462
00:21:34,494 --> 00:21:37,961
and back to social networking
because the real world sucks.
463
00:21:37,962 --> 00:21:39,531
You have a good night, now.
464
00:21:39,532 --> 00:21:40,566
You, too, Charmon...
465
00:21:40,567 --> 00:21:42,368
Oh.
466
00:21:42,369 --> 00:21:44,370
- Hey.
- Hey.
467
00:21:44,371 --> 00:21:45,504
Uh, where's your mom?
468
00:21:45,505 --> 00:21:48,307
She went to go rinse my lunchbox out.
469
00:21:48,308 --> 00:21:50,376
You gonna let her get some sleep tonight?
470
00:21:50,377 --> 00:21:52,444
No. But you know what?
471
00:21:52,445 --> 00:21:54,580
We got him one of them sleep-apnea masks.
472
00:21:54,581 --> 00:21:56,448
Come on, Kevin. Let's go.
473
00:21:56,449 --> 00:22:00,352
He looks like Bane,
but he sleeps like a baby.
474
00:22:00,353 --> 00:22:02,655
"I was born in the darkness."
475
00:22:02,656 --> 00:22:05,257
Why'd Bane sound like
the pepperidge farm guy?
476
00:22:05,258 --> 00:22:07,459
I don't know, but he did.
477
00:22:10,362 --> 00:22:12,271
Hold up. Did we just have
478
00:22:12,272 --> 00:22:15,087
a friendly exchange that
had nothing to do with you?
479
00:22:15,088 --> 00:22:16,502
I think we did.
480
00:22:16,503 --> 00:22:19,438
Well, whatever you're doing with Mr. Man,
481
00:22:19,439 --> 00:22:21,302
it's working, okay?
482
00:22:25,245 --> 00:22:27,212
Henry?
483
00:22:30,449 --> 00:22:33,385
Henry?
484
00:22:33,386 --> 00:22:35,287
Henry?
485
00:22:35,288 --> 00:22:36,655
I can see you.
486
00:22:36,656 --> 00:22:39,391
You live in a glass house.
487
00:22:40,593 --> 00:22:43,295
Henry!
488
00:22:43,296 --> 00:22:46,265
Please open this door right now.
489
00:22:48,634 --> 00:22:51,403
Oh. You opened.
490
00:22:51,404 --> 00:22:54,473
This is the exit for my home. Excuse me.
491
00:22:54,474 --> 00:22:56,608
Oh, come on. You... you were leaving?
492
00:22:56,609 --> 00:22:59,311
Yes, I was.
493
00:23:00,646 --> 00:23:03,549
Henry, wait. Wait.
494
00:23:03,550 --> 00:23:05,617
Um...
495
00:23:05,618 --> 00:23:07,353
I'm not a lost cause.
496
00:23:07,354 --> 00:23:09,521
What you're doing with me... it's working.
497
00:23:09,522 --> 00:23:11,523
I wasn't on my phone because I was bored.
498
00:23:11,524 --> 00:23:13,392
- That wedding gave me feels, and...
- "Feels."
499
00:23:13,393 --> 00:23:15,394
And that scared me, and
I... like, I lashed out
500
00:23:15,395 --> 00:23:17,429
and I called you a coxcomb,
501
00:23:17,430 --> 00:23:20,432
which was probably an
incorrect use of the word.
502
00:23:20,433 --> 00:23:22,434
No. Uh, I looked it up.
503
00:23:22,435 --> 00:23:24,670
It's archaic, but it's dead on.
504
00:23:26,505 --> 00:23:28,640
Okay.
505
00:23:28,641 --> 00:23:31,276
Sounded a little bit like
an apology.
506
00:23:31,277 --> 00:23:33,312
And...
507
00:23:33,313 --> 00:23:35,414
I'm sorry, too.
508
00:23:37,649 --> 00:23:39,585
Hey.
509
00:23:39,586 --> 00:23:41,487
Medium rainfall on roof
510
00:23:41,488 --> 00:23:43,422
with gentle overspill from gutters...
511
00:23:43,423 --> 00:23:45,324
It's your favorite, isn't it?
512
00:23:45,325 --> 00:23:46,458
No. Eliza, don't.
513
00:23:46,459 --> 00:23:49,461
You think that you're getting it...
514
00:23:50,629 --> 00:23:52,664
But you are, in fact, missing it.
515
00:23:54,533 --> 00:23:56,635
And what about you... do you get it?
516
00:23:56,636 --> 00:23:57,636
I get it.
517
00:23:57,637 --> 00:23:59,238
You don't get it. I get it.
518
00:23:59,239 --> 00:24:00,472
You don't get it. I don't think you get it.
519
00:24:00,473 --> 00:24:02,207
You don't think that I'm getting it?
520
00:24:02,208 --> 00:24:04,510
I think I should tell you how to get it!
521
00:24:04,511 --> 00:24:05,577
Oh!
522
00:24:05,578 --> 00:24:07,446
Something told me it had been a while
523
00:24:07,447 --> 00:24:10,416
since anyone gave Henry a push...
524
00:24:10,417 --> 00:24:13,385
And sometimes, we all need a push.
525
00:24:13,386 --> 00:24:15,220
See? I get it.
526
00:24:15,221 --> 00:24:17,289
I get it.
527
00:24:17,290 --> 00:24:18,490
Oh!
528
00:24:21,528 --> 00:24:25,297
See, this is exactly the kind
of thing that we need to work on.
529
00:24:25,298 --> 00:24:27,566
It's not funny when someone gets injured.
530
00:24:27,567 --> 00:24:30,402
Henry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
You're totally right.
531
00:24:30,403 --> 00:24:32,171
I'll work on that, I swear.
532
00:24:32,172 --> 00:24:33,439
Ow, ow, ow, ow! Sorry.
533
00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:35,541
- Okay, that's tomorrow's lesson.
- Got it.
534
00:24:35,542 --> 00:24:37,609
- Showing compassion for others.
- Great.
535
00:24:37,610 --> 00:24:40,512
And after that, you can
come with me to soulcycle.
536
00:24:40,513 --> 00:24:43,215
Yeah, I'm not going with you to soulcycle.
537
00:24:43,216 --> 00:24:46,012
- Don't you want a rock-hard ass?
- Uh, no, I don't.
538
00:25:02,334 --> 00:25:04,436
Everything okay in there?
539
00:25:05,637 --> 00:25:08,373
Not really. My new boyfriend
is someone else's husband.
540
00:25:08,374 --> 00:25:09,608
You're married?
541
00:25:09,609 --> 00:25:11,176
The plane is full of my co-workers.
542
00:25:11,177 --> 00:25:13,512
And now I'm stranded in
here, naked and afraid.
543
00:25:13,513 --> 00:25:14,646
Is that one of ours?
544
00:25:16,675 --> 00:25:17,805
Come on, Henry.
545
00:25:17,806 --> 00:25:20,486
I know you don't like me. I
just want to change my image.
546
00:25:20,487 --> 00:25:23,222
- You mean be a better person?
- Or that.
547
00:25:23,689 --> 00:25:25,657
Eliza, don't.
548
00:25:25,658 --> 00:25:28,227
You are addicted to instant gratification.
549
00:25:28,228 --> 00:25:29,428
You think that you're getting it...
550
00:25:29,429 --> 00:25:31,630
But you are, in fact, missing it.
551
00:25:31,631 --> 00:25:34,166
You're coming to my daughter's
wedding? Bring a date.
552
00:25:34,167 --> 00:25:36,268
I'd like you to attend the event with me.
553
00:25:38,566 --> 00:25:39,786
Wow.
554
00:25:44,411 --> 00:25:47,379
- You, my dear, are a lost cause.
- I'm not a lost cause.
555
00:25:49,382 --> 00:25:50,682
What you're doing with me... it's working.
556
00:25:51,283 --> 00:25:53,316
We might be in business now.
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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