Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,800
English (HI) Subtitles.
[MP4] Two and a Half Men S12E13 (720p) Boompa Loved His Hookers - HDTV [KoTuWa]
2
00:00:00,914 --> 00:00:02,181
♪ Men. ♪
3
00:00:02,357 --> 00:00:04,390
Sex is so much better
with someone you know well.
4
00:00:04,392 --> 00:00:05,858
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
5
00:00:05,860 --> 00:00:08,060
That's why so many
marriages last forever.
6
00:00:09,296 --> 00:00:11,464
(both cackling)
7
00:00:13,433 --> 00:00:15,668
But it's true, it's true...
Sex is better when you,
8
00:00:15,670 --> 00:00:17,937
you know, you know the
other person's rhythms,
9
00:00:17,939 --> 00:00:19,038
what they like,
10
00:00:19,040 --> 00:00:21,307
which leg they can
put behind their head.
11
00:00:21,309 --> 00:00:23,476
I'm still impressed
you can do that.
12
00:00:24,344 --> 00:00:25,778
Uh, yoga.
13
00:00:25,780 --> 00:00:28,080
When I started, I was
single and I wanted to be
14
00:00:28,082 --> 00:00:30,316
flexible enough to
give myself a...
15
00:00:33,053 --> 00:00:35,121
You know, I, uh, I-I really
would have missed you
16
00:00:35,123 --> 00:00:37,123
if you moved to
San Francisco.
17
00:00:37,125 --> 00:00:38,457
Aw, me, too.
18
00:00:38,459 --> 00:00:40,526
Although maybe I should have
waited to sell the house.
19
00:00:40,528 --> 00:00:42,828
I got to be out of here in two weeks.
Mm.
20
00:00:42,830 --> 00:00:44,263
I could help you
find an apartment.
21
00:00:44,265 --> 00:00:46,365
Unless you want me to
stay out of your hair.
22
00:00:46,367 --> 00:00:48,534
Hey, that's the second
time I said that tonight.
23
00:00:48,536 --> 00:00:51,370
Actually, I really
could use your help.
24
00:00:51,372 --> 00:00:54,273
I mean, unless
you're busy with work.
25
00:00:54,275 --> 00:00:56,208
(both cackling)
26
00:00:56,210 --> 00:00:57,643
Oh, I love you, Lyndsey.
27
00:00:57,645 --> 00:00:58,944
I love you, too, Alan.
28
00:00:58,946 --> 00:01:00,246
You want to go again?
No.
29
00:01:00,248 --> 00:01:02,581
You satisfied me
the first time.
30
00:01:02,583 --> 00:01:03,583
(both cackling)
31
00:01:03,584 --> 00:01:06,118
♪ Men. ♪
32
00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:09,088
Walden, do you
believe in destiny?
33
00:01:09,090 --> 00:01:11,123
I believe in
34
00:01:11,125 --> 00:01:13,392
Destiny's Child.
35
00:01:13,394 --> 00:01:15,995
I'm serious.
36
00:01:15,997 --> 00:01:17,630
Think of everything
that happened
37
00:01:17,632 --> 00:01:18,764
that led us to this moment.
38
00:01:18,766 --> 00:01:21,233
Oh, see, that...
I'd rather not.
39
00:01:21,235 --> 00:01:23,803
I know you don't want to talk
about my relationship with Alan.
40
00:01:23,805 --> 00:01:25,671
No, I don't.
I don't even like
41
00:01:25,673 --> 00:01:27,973
sharing a cab with Alan.
42
00:01:27,975 --> 00:01:30,910
But don't you see? If Alan
and I hadn't been together
43
00:01:30,912 --> 00:01:33,345
and I hadn't freaked out
when he rejected me,
44
00:01:33,347 --> 00:01:35,481
you wouldn't be here
to comfort me.
45
00:01:35,483 --> 00:01:37,516
In a way, I just want to say
46
00:01:37,518 --> 00:01:39,919
thank you, Alan Harper.
47
00:01:39,921 --> 00:01:41,520
Yeah.
48
00:01:41,522 --> 00:01:44,857
Thank you, Alan Harper.
49
00:01:44,859 --> 00:01:48,160
So-So you are
aware that you...
50
00:01:49,296 --> 00:01:50,996
...freaked out a little bit.
51
00:01:50,998 --> 00:01:53,265
You mean when I showed up
to your house at midnight
52
00:01:53,267 --> 00:01:56,168
in the rain or when I followed
Alan for 12 straight hours
53
00:01:56,170 --> 00:01:58,471
and peed in a bottle
in my car?
54
00:01:58,473 --> 00:02:02,141
I didn't know you
did that. That's...
55
00:02:02,143 --> 00:02:03,976
Look at us, getting
to know each other.
56
00:02:03,978 --> 00:02:05,277
(soft chuckle)
57
00:02:05,279 --> 00:02:07,079
So-So was that
58
00:02:07,081 --> 00:02:09,181
out of character for
you, would you say?
59
00:02:09,183 --> 00:02:12,151
Well, I admit, I am not
good with rejection.
60
00:02:12,153 --> 00:02:13,719
Who is?
61
00:02:13,721 --> 00:02:15,321
Well, don't worry.
62
00:02:15,323 --> 00:02:18,924
I am never, ever
gonna let go of you.
63
00:02:18,926 --> 00:02:21,060
I believe you.
64
00:02:21,062 --> 00:02:23,295
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
65
00:02:23,297 --> 00:02:23,398
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
66
00:02:23,399 --> 00:02:27,398
♪ Two and a Half Men 12x13 ♪
Boompa Loved His Hookers
Original Air Date: 2015-02-05
.
67
00:02:27,399 --> 00:02:33,399
Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man
68
00:02:33,400 --> 00:02:35,159
♪ Men. ♪
69
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:37,360
Uh-oh.
70
00:02:39,864 --> 00:02:41,932
I'll let you know when I'm done.
71
00:02:43,734 --> 00:02:45,001
Okay, once again,
72
00:02:45,003 --> 00:02:48,371
I will buy you another
Lego mini figure.
73
00:02:49,607 --> 00:02:52,442
We don't have to wait
for that one to come out.
74
00:02:54,812 --> 00:02:56,446
Hey.
75
00:02:56,448 --> 00:02:59,249
Oh, you always know
when I've had sex.
76
00:03:00,618 --> 00:03:01,852
What gave it away?
77
00:03:01,854 --> 00:03:04,020
The bounce in my step
or the glow in my cheek?
78
00:03:04,022 --> 00:03:05,755
No, it's probably the, uh, text
79
00:03:05,757 --> 00:03:07,290
I got from you that said,
80
00:03:07,292 --> 00:03:10,026
"Guess why I can't see
my penis right now."
81
00:03:10,028 --> 00:03:11,728
I was bored.
82
00:03:11,730 --> 00:03:14,464
So, uh, how was your little
talk with Ms. McMartin?
83
00:03:14,466 --> 00:03:18,034
You know, about that whole
situation... you and her...
84
00:03:18,036 --> 00:03:20,704
I just... you know, maybe
I just judged you too harshly.
85
00:03:20,706 --> 00:03:23,840
No, no, I was... I deserved it.
I-I was stupid and weak.
86
00:03:23,842 --> 00:03:27,043
And besides, bitch be crazy.
87
00:03:27,912 --> 00:03:29,346
Yeah. Well...
88
00:03:29,348 --> 00:03:31,214
bitch be my girlfriend.
89
00:03:32,817 --> 00:03:35,886
Oh, my God.
You didn't.
90
00:03:35,888 --> 00:03:38,488
After all the crap
you gave me?
91
00:03:38,490 --> 00:03:41,258
"How could you sleep
with our social worker, Alan?"
92
00:03:41,260 --> 00:03:44,828
"Get your penis
out of my business, Alan."
93
00:03:44,830 --> 00:03:47,831
"That's not what yoga
is for, Alan."
94
00:03:47,833 --> 00:03:50,300
Okay, fine, I admit it.
I-I made a mistake.
95
00:03:50,302 --> 00:03:52,836
I just... I Alan'd
this whole thing up.
96
00:03:54,105 --> 00:03:56,540
My name as a verb. I like it.
97
00:03:56,542 --> 00:03:58,408
So-So how did this happen?
98
00:03:58,410 --> 00:04:01,912
I don't know. I just...
I went over there and then...
99
00:04:01,914 --> 00:04:03,914
she got all emotional
100
00:04:03,916 --> 00:04:06,349
and kept calling herself
a loser and then...
101
00:04:06,351 --> 00:04:07,918
Okay, and then
she started to cry.
102
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:11,188
Oh, crying. She used that
to turn me on, too.
103
00:04:11,190 --> 00:04:14,157
What? No. I-I comforted her
104
00:04:14,159 --> 00:04:17,127
and then one thing led to an...
You're a freak.
105
00:04:17,129 --> 00:04:18,929
Hey, hey, don't call me a freak.
106
00:04:18,931 --> 00:04:20,263
You're the one who Alan'd it up.
107
00:04:20,265 --> 00:04:22,632
You know what,
maybe it'll be okay.
108
00:04:22,634 --> 00:04:24,701
I mean, she only goes crazy
when she gets rejected,
109
00:04:24,703 --> 00:04:27,170
so I just have to keep her
happy for a couple days
110
00:04:27,172 --> 00:04:29,172
until we finalize
Louis's adoption.
111
00:04:29,174 --> 00:04:30,440
See, I just...
112
00:04:30,442 --> 00:04:32,242
I feel bad, 'cause...
113
00:04:32,244 --> 00:04:34,244
I mean, she already fell
head over heels in love with me.
114
00:04:34,246 --> 00:04:36,680
She Walden'd you.
115
00:04:36,682 --> 00:04:38,014
You know what?
116
00:04:38,016 --> 00:04:39,216
Go Alan yourself.
117
00:04:39,218 --> 00:04:42,352
Thanks to yoga, I can.
118
00:04:44,255 --> 00:04:45,822
♪ Men. ♪
119
00:04:45,824 --> 00:04:47,157
This is great.
120
00:04:47,159 --> 00:04:49,492
Lots of natural light,
hardwood floors,
121
00:04:49,494 --> 00:04:50,927
and it's next to a Chipotle6
122
00:04:50,929 --> 00:04:53,230
I can't wait for our first
post-booty burrito.
123
00:04:53,232 --> 00:04:55,398
It's also right
across the street
124
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:56,900
from a really
cute bookstore.
125
00:04:56,902 --> 00:04:59,035
Remember books?
126
00:04:59,037 --> 00:05:00,870
And-and you saw how
big those closets are.
127
00:05:00,872 --> 00:05:02,072
I could live
in those things.
128
00:05:02,074 --> 00:05:03,273
Not a good idea.
129
00:05:03,275 --> 00:05:04,808
I already have
enough people asking me
130
00:05:04,810 --> 00:05:06,610
if you're in
the closet.
131
00:05:06,612 --> 00:05:08,111
People think I'm gay?
132
00:05:08,113 --> 00:05:09,312
That's hilarious.
133
00:05:09,314 --> 00:05:11,881
Can't wait to tell my husband.
134
00:05:11,883 --> 00:05:14,651
So... do you
really like it?
135
00:05:14,653 --> 00:05:15,986
(scoffs)
What's not to like?
136
00:05:15,988 --> 00:05:17,320
This place is amazing.
137
00:05:17,322 --> 00:05:19,222
Good. 'Cause I was thinking
138
00:05:19,224 --> 00:05:21,691
maybe instead of visiting,
139
00:05:21,693 --> 00:05:23,593
why don't you
move in with me?
140
00:05:23,595 --> 00:05:24,861
In this dump?
141
00:05:24,863 --> 00:05:26,563
You just said
you liked it.
142
00:05:26,565 --> 00:05:28,465
That was when I thought
it was for you.
143
00:05:28,467 --> 00:05:30,367
But for the two of us?
144
00:05:30,369 --> 00:05:31,434
There's no study.
145
00:05:31,436 --> 00:05:32,836
Where would I write my novel?
146
00:05:32,838 --> 00:05:34,037
You're writing
a novel?
147
00:05:34,039 --> 00:05:36,039
Well, when I finish
my screenplay.
148
00:05:36,041 --> 00:05:38,408
Do you not want
to live with me?
149
00:05:38,410 --> 00:05:40,510
No, of course I do.
150
00:05:40,512 --> 00:05:42,979
But I-I want our place
to be perfect.
151
00:05:42,981 --> 00:05:44,414
Like you.
152
00:05:44,416 --> 00:05:46,616
Uh, and I don't care how long
it takes to find it.
153
00:05:46,618 --> 00:05:48,218
You have two weeks.
154
00:05:48,220 --> 00:05:50,020
(scoffs)Two weeks?
155
00:05:50,022 --> 00:05:51,655
That's-that's plenty of time
to find an apartment
156
00:05:51,657 --> 00:05:54,224
and finish Alan Harper:Vampire Hunter.
157
00:05:55,359 --> 00:05:58,228
♪ Men. ♪
158
00:06:01,065 --> 00:06:02,065
There you are!
159
00:06:02,067 --> 00:06:03,933
(screams)
160
00:06:03,935 --> 00:06:05,035
Hi!
161
00:06:05,037 --> 00:06:06,136
There you are!
162
00:06:06,138 --> 00:06:07,771
In my kitchen.
163
00:06:07,773 --> 00:06:09,306
Holding a knife.
164
00:06:09,308 --> 00:06:10,807
Oh, I'm sorry.
165
00:06:10,809 --> 00:06:12,142
I wanted to surprise you.
166
00:06:12,144 --> 00:06:15,745
Well, I peed a little, so...
167
00:06:15,747 --> 00:06:17,113
good job.
168
00:06:18,149 --> 00:06:19,983
Wh-Who...
How did you get in here?
169
00:06:19,985 --> 00:06:20,917
Berta.
170
00:06:20,919 --> 00:06:22,686
I told her
I was cooking for you.
171
00:06:22,688 --> 00:06:24,321
She said, "Great.
Clean the toilets, too."
172
00:06:24,323 --> 00:06:26,423
Then she grabbed a six-pack
and she went home.
173
00:06:26,425 --> 00:06:29,726
So it's just me and you.
174
00:06:29,728 --> 00:06:30,694
There's no witnesses.
175
00:06:30,696 --> 00:06:32,295
(laughs)
176
00:06:32,297 --> 00:06:33,730
You are so funny.
177
00:06:33,732 --> 00:06:34,964
(laughs)
178
00:06:34,966 --> 00:06:36,833
It's like dating
Jimmy Fallon.
179
00:06:36,835 --> 00:06:38,501
(laughs)
180
00:06:38,503 --> 00:06:40,136
I'm making you
crab cakes.
181
00:06:40,138 --> 00:06:42,138
What...? Really?
I love crab cakes.
182
00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:43,206
I know.
183
00:06:43,208 --> 00:06:45,041
You told me the happiest summer
you ever had
184
00:06:45,043 --> 00:06:46,976
was when your family
rented that house in Maryland
185
00:06:46,978 --> 00:06:48,278
and your grandpa
took you crabbing.
186
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:50,547
I remember when we were there
and he said,
187
00:06:50,549 --> 00:06:53,116
"You know, when you turn 18,
I'm gonna take you to Vegas
188
00:06:53,118 --> 00:06:56,853
and we'll get
a different kind of crabs."
189
00:06:56,855 --> 00:06:58,388
Ah, yeah.
190
00:06:58,390 --> 00:06:59,456
Then he laughed.
191
00:06:59,458 --> 00:07:02,225
Oh, how Boompa
loved his hookers.
192
00:07:03,260 --> 00:07:05,628
Hey, this is very nice,
but maybe next time...
193
00:07:05,630 --> 00:07:07,697
Oh! I also have
your favorite dessert.
194
00:07:07,699 --> 00:07:09,799
Did I tell you
about Gam-Gam's apple pie?
195
00:07:14,638 --> 00:07:17,107
That's not Gam-Gam's pie.
196
00:07:19,176 --> 00:07:21,244
♪ Men. ♪
197
00:07:21,246 --> 00:07:22,445
Hey.
198
00:07:22,447 --> 00:07:24,180
Oh, hey.
Where you been?
199
00:07:24,182 --> 00:07:25,248
Apartment hunting.
200
00:07:25,250 --> 00:07:28,885
(gagging)
201
00:07:28,887 --> 00:07:30,754
Are you... Really?
202
00:07:30,756 --> 00:07:33,022
Oh, my God,
you do hear my prayers.
203
00:07:33,024 --> 00:07:34,157
Don't get excited.
204
00:07:34,159 --> 00:07:35,159
It was for Lyndsey.
205
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:36,593
Oh. Damn you.
206
00:07:36,595 --> 00:07:38,728
But get this: She asked me
to move in with her.
207
00:07:38,730 --> 00:07:40,630
All right, you got me.
208
00:07:40,632 --> 00:07:41,731
There's no way I'm doing it.
209
00:07:41,733 --> 00:07:43,967
Ah, you're dead to me!
210
00:07:43,969 --> 00:07:47,170
So, uh, how's it going
with Ms. McCrazy?
211
00:07:47,172 --> 00:07:48,671
You know what?
That'll be enough of that.
212
00:07:48,673 --> 00:07:50,006
Oh, sorry.
213
00:07:50,008 --> 00:07:51,608
(whispering):
She might be listening.
214
00:07:52,777 --> 00:07:54,043
No, I'm just...
215
00:07:54,045 --> 00:07:57,881
Seriously, Ms. McMartin is
a genuinely nice person.
216
00:07:57,883 --> 00:07:59,182
I just...
217
00:07:59,184 --> 00:08:01,351
I feel bad about, like,
stringing her along.
218
00:08:01,353 --> 00:08:02,886
Yeah, but you can't
break up with her.
219
00:08:02,888 --> 00:08:04,120
It'll jeopardize the adoption.
220
00:08:04,122 --> 00:08:06,022
I know, but, like, lying to her
221
00:08:06,024 --> 00:08:08,892
just seems cowardly and selfish.
222
00:08:08,894 --> 00:08:10,794
Well, you know what they say.
223
00:08:10,796 --> 00:08:12,095
One man's cowardly and selfish
224
00:08:12,097 --> 00:08:14,097
is another man's approach
to everything in life.
225
00:08:14,099 --> 00:08:15,665
No, you know what?
226
00:08:15,667 --> 00:08:16,966
She didn't take Louis away
227
00:08:16,968 --> 00:08:18,935
when she found out
our marriage was fake.
228
00:08:18,937 --> 00:08:22,839
And she didn't take him away
when you dumped her, so...
229
00:08:22,841 --> 00:08:25,175
Like, she's gonna do
the right thing.
230
00:08:25,177 --> 00:08:26,743
So am I.
231
00:08:26,745 --> 00:08:28,645
Good for you.
232
00:08:28,647 --> 00:08:30,780
You make me want to be
a better man.
233
00:08:32,249 --> 00:08:34,184
Hey, uh, I-is Louis home?
234
00:08:34,186 --> 00:08:35,418
No, he's staying
at a friend's house.
235
00:08:35,420 --> 00:08:38,488
Good. I can watch porn
without headphones.
236
00:08:39,657 --> 00:08:40,790
Oh, I get it now.
237
00:08:40,792 --> 00:08:43,226
I'm in hell.
238
00:08:43,228 --> 00:08:45,495
♪ Men. ♪
239
00:08:45,497 --> 00:08:47,263
Come on, baby.
240
00:08:47,265 --> 00:08:49,899
Get off that laptop and
get on top of this lap.
241
00:08:49,901 --> 00:08:51,267
(laughs)
242
00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:53,303
I'm trying to find us
a place to live.
243
00:08:53,305 --> 00:08:54,971
Oh! How about this one?
244
00:08:54,973 --> 00:08:56,773
It's got a community hot tub.
245
00:08:56,775 --> 00:08:58,374
Yes, that's great.
246
00:08:58,376 --> 00:09:00,243
Uh, because when
I'm stuck in traffic,
247
00:09:00,245 --> 00:09:02,879
uh, and I look at the
stranger in the next car
248
00:09:02,881 --> 00:09:05,081
and he's picking his nose,
I'm always thinking,
249
00:09:05,083 --> 00:09:07,684
"Boy, I'd like to sit in
stagnant water with that guy."
250
00:09:08,819 --> 00:09:11,855
Okay, no hot tub.
251
00:09:11,857 --> 00:09:14,023
Hey, how about
a two-bedroom loft downtown?
252
00:09:14,025 --> 00:09:15,692
It's got a washer
and dryer.
253
00:09:15,694 --> 00:09:17,827
And no green space
for my herb garden.
254
00:09:17,829 --> 00:09:20,763
Do you even know me?
(sighs)
255
00:09:20,765 --> 00:09:22,866
Okay.
256
00:09:22,868 --> 00:09:24,434
Describe your perfect place.
257
00:09:24,436 --> 00:09:29,072
Uh, it's a
beautiful home,
258
00:09:29,074 --> 00:09:31,808
it's on the beach,
259
00:09:31,810 --> 00:09:33,510
it has a housekeeper
260
00:09:33,512 --> 00:09:34,777
and it's owned
by a billionaire
261
00:09:34,779 --> 00:09:36,346
who doesn't monitor
his change jar.
262
00:09:37,648 --> 00:09:39,516
You're just describing
this house.
263
00:09:39,518 --> 00:09:40,917
Wow, you're right.
264
00:09:40,919 --> 00:09:42,785
That worked out.
Let's have sex.
265
00:09:42,787 --> 00:09:44,153
Alan...
266
00:09:44,155 --> 00:09:46,389
I've made a lot of
changes in my life
267
00:09:46,391 --> 00:09:48,791
and I was excited about
starting all over with you,
268
00:09:48,793 --> 00:09:51,794
but I cannot go through
this same pattern
269
00:09:51,796 --> 00:09:53,830
over and over again.
270
00:09:54,698 --> 00:09:57,000
You love this house
more than you love me.
271
00:09:57,002 --> 00:09:58,568
Oh, I'm sorry.
272
00:09:58,570 --> 00:09:59,570
Was that a question?
273
00:09:59,571 --> 00:10:01,404
Good-bye, Alan.
274
00:10:01,406 --> 00:10:03,840
Oh, come...
This is so unfair.
275
00:10:03,842 --> 00:10:05,441
Until you went to
rehab last month,
276
00:10:05,443 --> 00:10:07,677
you loved vodka
more than me.
277
00:10:07,679 --> 00:10:09,245
And when I've had
too much house,
278
00:10:09,247 --> 00:10:10,914
I don't get naked
in the Walmart.
279
00:10:10,916 --> 00:10:13,583
♪ Men. ♪
280
00:10:20,031 --> 00:10:22,766
♪ Men. ♪
281
00:10:22,768 --> 00:10:24,768
Oh, hey, uh, Berta.
282
00:10:24,770 --> 00:10:27,204
When Ms. McMartin gets here,
can you give us some privacy?
283
00:10:27,206 --> 00:10:28,439
I gotta talk to her.
284
00:10:28,441 --> 00:10:30,140
Oh, God.
285
00:10:30,142 --> 00:10:32,843
When are you gonna stop
proposing to all these women?
286
00:10:32,845 --> 00:10:34,945
Zoey, Kate...
287
00:10:34,947 --> 00:10:36,880
Alan.
Uh...
288
00:10:36,882 --> 00:10:39,216
actually, I'm gonna
break up with her.
289
00:10:39,218 --> 00:10:42,920
If you want, I can pull
together a breakup kit
290
00:10:42,922 --> 00:10:44,988
like I used to do for Charlie.
291
00:10:45,990 --> 00:10:47,891
It's a pint of Haagen Dazs,
292
00:10:47,893 --> 00:10:49,426
a bottle of wine
293
00:10:49,428 --> 00:10:53,464
and the only copy
of your sex tapes.
294
00:10:55,633 --> 00:10:57,801
(doorbell rings)
295
00:11:00,338 --> 00:11:02,272
Hey, Walden.
296
00:11:02,274 --> 00:11:03,474
Hey, Berta!
297
00:11:03,476 --> 00:11:05,709
What's your favorite flavor
of ice cream?
298
00:11:05,711 --> 00:11:07,478
Why?
299
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:09,012
No reason.
300
00:11:10,515 --> 00:11:12,616
Hey, thanks for coming.
301
00:11:12,618 --> 00:11:14,051
Why are you with me?
302
00:11:14,053 --> 00:11:16,320
Good, good. How are you?
303
00:11:16,322 --> 00:11:18,055
Are you with me
because you're afraid
304
00:11:18,057 --> 00:11:20,557
if you break up with me,
I'll screw up the adoption?
305
00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:23,394
What?!
306
00:11:23,396 --> 00:11:25,696
No!
307
00:11:25,698 --> 00:11:27,064
Come... I just, uh...
308
00:11:27,066 --> 00:11:29,500
Berta, how we coming
with that ice cream?
309
00:11:29,502 --> 00:11:31,301
Please be honest with me.
310
00:11:31,303 --> 00:11:33,670
Okay, to be honest...
311
00:11:33,672 --> 00:11:36,173
yeah, I did think that.
312
00:11:36,175 --> 00:11:37,975
But then I realized
that you would never
313
00:11:37,977 --> 00:11:39,877
ever do something like that.
314
00:11:39,879 --> 00:11:41,078
I was doing that.
315
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:42,479
I knew it!
316
00:11:42,481 --> 00:11:44,648
This morning,
I was going over your paperwork,
317
00:11:44,650 --> 00:11:46,950
and I literally considered
postponing the final hearing
318
00:11:46,952 --> 00:11:49,086
because I was afraid,
as soon as it happened,
319
00:11:49,088 --> 00:11:51,188
you would leave me.
320
00:11:51,190 --> 00:11:52,589
I would never do that to you.
321
00:11:52,591 --> 00:11:54,658
I was gonna break up
with you right now.
322
00:11:54,660 --> 00:11:57,361
So, you agree.
323
00:11:57,363 --> 00:11:59,930
We shouldn't see
each other anymore.
324
00:11:59,932 --> 00:12:01,331
Here.
325
00:12:01,333 --> 00:12:02,333
What's this?
326
00:12:02,334 --> 00:12:03,700
It's the final adoption forms.
327
00:12:03,702 --> 00:12:05,369
You have a court date tomorrow
328
00:12:05,371 --> 00:12:07,404
and everything's
gonna sail through.
329
00:12:07,406 --> 00:12:09,239
Congratulations.
Louis is yours.
330
00:12:09,241 --> 00:12:11,108
Oh, really?
331
00:12:12,243 --> 00:12:15,179
Oh... oh, my God, thank you.
332
00:12:15,181 --> 00:12:17,514
Ah, you know this is a
333
00:12:17,516 --> 00:12:19,349
"thank you for being
a great social worker" hug,
334
00:12:19,351 --> 00:12:21,018
not a "I want you back" hug.
335
00:12:21,020 --> 00:12:22,820
Yeah, I know.
336
00:12:22,822 --> 00:12:24,888
And don't worry, I'm
not gonna go all crazy
337
00:12:24,890 --> 00:12:26,523
and freak out on you.
338
00:12:26,525 --> 00:12:28,025
Come on, I know that.
339
00:12:28,027 --> 00:12:29,660
I froze your sperm.
340
00:12:33,064 --> 00:12:35,098
♪ Men. ♪
341
00:12:35,100 --> 00:12:37,301
Okay, buddy, here we go.
This is the first time
342
00:12:37,303 --> 00:12:39,369
we're walking into this house
as an official family.
343
00:12:39,371 --> 00:12:40,270
Cool.
344
00:12:40,272 --> 00:12:43,073
Walden Schmidt, Louis Schmidt
345
00:12:43,075 --> 00:12:46,543
and a big pile of Schmidt.
346
00:12:47,679 --> 00:12:49,313
Ah!
347
00:12:49,315 --> 00:12:51,081
Hey, you know, now
that you're my son,
348
00:12:51,083 --> 00:12:53,083
someday all of this
is gonna be yours.
349
00:12:53,085 --> 00:12:55,285
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's not
get ahead of ourselves.
350
00:12:55,287 --> 00:12:57,488
So, what should we do
to celebrate
351
00:12:57,490 --> 00:12:59,156
this special family day?
352
00:12:59,158 --> 00:13:01,391
I'm going to play
Legos in my room!
353
00:13:01,393 --> 00:13:03,093
Oh, oh, uh, you mean,
354
00:13:03,095 --> 00:13:05,796
"I'm going to play
Legos in my room, Dad."
355
00:13:05,798 --> 00:13:07,564
I'm going home to get high.
356
00:13:07,566 --> 00:13:10,367
I mean, I'm going home
to get high...
357
00:13:10,369 --> 00:13:12,202
Dad.
358
00:13:14,239 --> 00:13:16,206
Seriously, I'm happy for you.
359
00:13:16,208 --> 00:13:19,443
And I want you to know I'm,
I'm here whenever you need me.
360
00:13:19,445 --> 00:13:20,911
Alan, you're not
getting the house.
361
00:13:20,913 --> 00:13:22,813
Damn it!
362
00:13:22,815 --> 00:13:24,014
This is weird.
363
00:13:24,016 --> 00:13:25,682
Feel like I should be
doing something dad-like.
364
00:13:25,684 --> 00:13:28,485
Like drinking beers outside.
365
00:13:28,487 --> 00:13:30,120
Or grilling something.
366
00:13:30,122 --> 00:13:31,388
You know, something manly.
367
00:13:31,390 --> 00:13:32,623
Oh, perfect!
368
00:13:32,625 --> 00:13:33,724
Uh, I have a nice, thick
369
00:13:33,726 --> 00:13:35,058
Portobello mushroom
you can grill.
370
00:13:35,060 --> 00:13:36,727
I said "something manly."
371
00:13:36,729 --> 00:13:38,195
Well, if you close your eyes,
you'll swear you have
372
00:13:38,197 --> 00:13:39,329
a piece of meat in your mouth.
373
00:13:39,331 --> 00:13:42,633
I'm never closing my eyes again.
374
00:13:42,635 --> 00:13:44,134
Just give me a beer.
375
00:13:44,136 --> 00:13:46,303
So, uh, how's it going
with Ms. McMartin?
376
00:13:46,305 --> 00:13:48,405
She seemed a little standoffish
at the courthouse.
377
00:13:48,407 --> 00:13:49,706
You know, I think
she was just trying
378
00:13:49,708 --> 00:13:50,908
to keep things professional.
379
00:13:50,910 --> 00:13:52,409
There's nothing going on
between us anymore.
380
00:13:52,411 --> 00:13:53,744
Guess it doesn't matter.
381
00:13:53,746 --> 00:13:55,946
We always knew it would
end up like this.
382
00:13:55,948 --> 00:13:57,180
Just you and me.
383
00:13:57,182 --> 00:13:58,715
Couple of cool bros,
384
00:13:58,717 --> 00:14:00,450
couple of chilled brews...
385
00:14:00,452 --> 00:14:02,052
and a couple of grilled 'bellos.
386
00:14:02,054 --> 00:14:05,889
Stop trying to shove
your mushrooms down my throat!
387
00:14:05,891 --> 00:14:08,258
My point is we don't need
anything else to be happy.
388
00:14:08,260 --> 00:14:10,661
(grunts)
Or anyone.
389
00:14:10,663 --> 00:14:11,695
Right, right!
390
00:14:11,697 --> 00:14:13,530
Let Lyndsey move
to San Francisco.
391
00:14:13,532 --> 00:14:15,465
There's no way I'm giving up
all this for her!
392
00:14:15,467 --> 00:14:16,900
I mean, look at this house!
393
00:14:16,902 --> 00:14:20,637
Look at the ocean and the view!
394
00:14:20,639 --> 00:14:22,506
That's why you broke up?
395
00:14:23,374 --> 00:14:24,942
You had a choice between Lyndsey
396
00:14:24,944 --> 00:14:26,310
and this house,
397
00:14:26,312 --> 00:14:28,111
and you chose this house?
398
00:14:28,113 --> 00:14:30,213
Yep.
399
00:14:30,215 --> 00:14:33,283
Okay, you gave up a relationship
with a woman who knows
400
00:14:33,285 --> 00:14:37,521
everything about you
and still wants to be with you
401
00:14:37,523 --> 00:14:40,057
because you didn't want
to leave this house?
402
00:14:40,059 --> 00:14:42,292
Yep.
403
00:14:42,294 --> 00:14:43,827
Okay, as I'm saying
this out loud,
404
00:14:43,829 --> 00:14:46,163
you are realizing what
a moron you are, aren't you?
405
00:14:46,165 --> 00:14:47,764
Yep.
406
00:14:47,766 --> 00:14:50,300
But-but I'm not the only one.
407
00:14:50,302 --> 00:14:52,836
Ms. McMartin is perfect for you.
408
00:14:52,838 --> 00:14:54,771
Come on, you're the one
who said she was crazy.
409
00:14:54,773 --> 00:14:57,541
Yes, yes, but when you really
look at it, what has she done?
410
00:14:57,543 --> 00:14:59,810
I mean, she fell in love
too quickly... like you.
411
00:14:59,812 --> 00:15:01,612
She only wants
what's best for Louis...
412
00:15:01,614 --> 00:15:02,980
like you.
413
00:15:02,982 --> 00:15:05,282
She's inexplicably
drawn to me...
414
00:15:05,284 --> 00:15:07,050
like you.
415
00:15:07,052 --> 00:15:11,121
She did surprise me by cooking
my favorite meal naked.
416
00:15:11,956 --> 00:15:13,190
Sadly, like you.
417
00:15:13,192 --> 00:15:15,325
I mean, at least I-I traded
Lyndsey for a house.
418
00:15:15,327 --> 00:15:16,927
What did you trade
Ms. McMartin for?
419
00:15:16,929 --> 00:15:17,961
Nothing.
420
00:15:17,963 --> 00:15:19,196
It's worse!
421
00:15:19,198 --> 00:15:21,531
I traded her for you!
422
00:15:23,001 --> 00:15:24,701
Oh, my God! We're idiots!
423
00:15:24,703 --> 00:15:25,702
I know. We're gonna die alone!
424
00:15:25,704 --> 00:15:28,672
Worse! We're gonna die
with each other!
425
00:15:28,674 --> 00:15:29,940
Go to Ms. McMartin!
426
00:15:29,942 --> 00:15:31,274
I will! Go to Lyndsey!
427
00:15:31,276 --> 00:15:32,676
I will! I love you!
428
00:15:32,678 --> 00:15:34,611
Oh, not the right time.
Knew that.
429
00:15:37,749 --> 00:15:39,916
♪ Men. ♪
430
00:15:43,554 --> 00:15:44,521
There you are.
431
00:15:44,523 --> 00:15:45,856
(screams)
(grunting)
432
00:15:49,827 --> 00:15:51,228
Walden?
433
00:15:51,230 --> 00:15:52,562
Surprise.
434
00:15:52,564 --> 00:15:53,797
Oh, I'm so sorry!
435
00:15:53,799 --> 00:15:55,265
I thought you were an intruder.
436
00:15:55,267 --> 00:15:57,534
But how did you get
in my apartment?
437
00:15:57,536 --> 00:15:59,936
Well, I was gonna, um...
438
00:15:59,938 --> 00:16:02,239
rent the vacant apartment
above you,
439
00:16:02,241 --> 00:16:03,774
and then rappel
down the building
440
00:16:03,776 --> 00:16:06,410
and smash through the window,
like Bruce Willis in Die Hard.
441
00:16:06,412 --> 00:16:08,445
But then I just looked
under your mat,
442
00:16:08,447 --> 00:16:09,913
and I found your spare key.
443
00:16:09,915 --> 00:16:12,416
Oh! That's for my cat psychic.
444
00:16:12,418 --> 00:16:13,216
Wha...? Your what?
445
00:16:13,218 --> 00:16:14,484
What do you want?
446
00:16:14,486 --> 00:16:16,453
I-I remembered
that your favorite meal was
447
00:16:16,455 --> 00:16:19,156
pan-seared salmon
with orange miso glaze.
448
00:16:19,158 --> 00:16:20,691
Oh, my God,
you made that for me?
449
00:16:20,693 --> 00:16:22,259
No. Uh, I made...
450
00:16:22,261 --> 00:16:23,660
uh, grilled cheese since it's
451
00:16:23,662 --> 00:16:26,063
the only thing
I know how to make.
452
00:16:26,065 --> 00:16:28,532
But the important thing
is I remembered.
453
00:16:28,534 --> 00:16:30,333
Well, that's very sweet.
454
00:16:30,335 --> 00:16:32,235
But... why?
455
00:16:32,237 --> 00:16:34,571
I wanted to give us
another chance.
456
00:16:34,573 --> 00:16:37,374
Oh... oh, I don't know,
Walden...
457
00:16:37,376 --> 00:16:41,011
B-Before you say anything else,
just... listen to this.
458
00:16:41,013 --> 00:16:43,046
♪ When a man ♪
459
00:16:43,048 --> 00:16:45,882
♪ Loves a social worker. ♪
460
00:16:47,685 --> 00:16:49,753
♪ Men. ♪
461
00:16:49,755 --> 00:16:52,622
Hi. Uh, my girlfriend is about
to leave for San Francisco,
462
00:16:52,624 --> 00:16:55,559
and I need a ticket
on the 7:35 flight.
463
00:16:55,561 --> 00:16:57,627
Unfortunately,
there's only one seat left,
464
00:16:57,629 --> 00:16:59,362
and that's in first class.
465
00:16:59,364 --> 00:17:01,131
Oh, how much is it?
$1,100.
466
00:17:01,133 --> 00:17:03,600
Oh, go to hell!
467
00:17:03,602 --> 00:17:05,802
I'm sorry, that was not,
uh, directed at you.
468
00:17:05,804 --> 00:17:08,305
Uh, you know what,
uh, uh, Karen?
469
00:17:08,307 --> 00:17:10,640
Uh, is it possible
that someone
470
00:17:10,642 --> 00:17:12,876
who already has a coach seat
471
00:17:12,878 --> 00:17:15,746
could be bumped for some reason?
472
00:17:15,748 --> 00:17:17,114
Or...
473
00:17:17,116 --> 00:17:19,950
say, if I give you...
474
00:17:19,952 --> 00:17:21,585
ten reasons?
475
00:17:22,820 --> 00:17:26,556
And you give me
five reasons back?
476
00:17:27,759 --> 00:17:29,793
Sir, I cannot accept a bribe.
477
00:17:29,795 --> 00:17:32,562
And I certainly cannot
give you change for a bribe.
478
00:17:32,564 --> 00:17:34,865
You don't understand
how important it is
479
00:17:34,867 --> 00:17:37,167
for me to get this ticket!
480
00:17:37,169 --> 00:17:39,870
I will do anything.
481
00:17:39,872 --> 00:17:41,638
Anything.
482
00:17:42,673 --> 00:17:44,641
Perhaps Karen wants
483
00:17:44,643 --> 00:17:46,743
to get her groove back?
484
00:17:46,745 --> 00:17:49,312
There is one thing you can do.
485
00:17:49,314 --> 00:17:50,314
Name it.
486
00:17:50,315 --> 00:17:52,749
You can give me $1,100.
487
00:17:52,751 --> 00:17:54,818
I just... I just need
to get to that gate
488
00:17:54,820 --> 00:17:56,353
before my girlfriend
boards that plane.
489
00:17:56,355 --> 00:17:58,455
I-I need to tell her
that-that I-I love her
490
00:17:58,457 --> 00:18:01,124
and I was wrong and I want
to spend my life with her.
491
00:18:01,126 --> 00:18:02,959
I'm sorry, you should've
mentioned that before.
492
00:18:02,961 --> 00:18:07,030
We have a special fare
for big romantic gestures.
493
00:18:07,032 --> 00:18:10,333
And it's $1,100.
494
00:18:11,169 --> 00:18:12,602
Fine.
495
00:18:12,604 --> 00:18:14,738
I'll go.
496
00:18:17,008 --> 00:18:19,009
Karen: 1,100.
497
00:18:19,011 --> 00:18:21,945
Love: zero.
498
00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:27,417
♪ When a man loves a woman ♪
499
00:18:27,419 --> 00:18:28,819
♪ He can't keep his mind... ♪
500
00:18:28,821 --> 00:18:30,921
I also remembered
how you love Michael Bolton.
501
00:18:30,923 --> 00:18:32,856
(laughs)
502
00:18:32,858 --> 00:18:36,493
Michael Bublé.
503
00:18:36,495 --> 00:18:38,628
Oh.
504
00:18:38,630 --> 00:18:39,863
♪ If she's bad,
he can't... ♪
505
00:18:39,865 --> 00:18:41,097
Bolton.
506
00:18:41,966 --> 00:18:43,500
You know any Bublé?
507
00:18:43,502 --> 00:18:45,735
God, no.
508
00:18:45,737 --> 00:18:47,437
Okay, we're done here.
509
00:18:48,506 --> 00:18:49,506
What are you looking at?
510
00:18:49,508 --> 00:18:50,640
Get the hell
out of here, Bolton!
511
00:18:50,642 --> 00:18:51,875
Fine.
512
00:18:51,877 --> 00:18:53,210
I gave up singing
the national anthem
513
00:18:53,212 --> 00:18:54,845
at the Lakers game for this.
514
00:18:57,715 --> 00:18:59,983
♪ When a man loves ♪
515
00:18:59,985 --> 00:19:02,786
♪ Grilled cheese sandwiches. ♪
516
00:19:02,788 --> 00:19:05,055
(door closes)
517
00:19:05,057 --> 00:19:08,024
So, what do you say?
518
00:19:08,026 --> 00:19:09,893
Will you give us another chance?
519
00:19:09,895 --> 00:19:13,296
Walden, this is kind of
the man-woman playbook.
520
00:19:13,298 --> 00:19:15,999
I dumped you, and now
you want to be with me
521
00:19:16,001 --> 00:19:18,201
because you want
what you can't have.
522
00:19:18,203 --> 00:19:20,303
Oh, God, you're so smart.
Let's make out.
523
00:19:20,305 --> 00:19:21,504
I'm serious.
524
00:19:21,506 --> 00:19:23,006
Well, so am I!
525
00:19:23,008 --> 00:19:24,507
Come on, you're kind
and you're generous.
526
00:19:24,509 --> 00:19:26,810
And it... and it's cute
how you turn on the water
527
00:19:26,812 --> 00:19:29,713
in the bathroom so you think
I can't hear you peeing.
528
00:19:29,715 --> 00:19:31,314
Plus, we're good
in bed together.
529
00:19:31,316 --> 00:19:32,716
True.
530
00:19:32,718 --> 00:19:34,384
Although, after Alan,
anyone was gonna look good.
531
00:19:34,386 --> 00:19:36,653
Okay, I will give you,
like, a billion dollars
532
00:19:36,655 --> 00:19:39,122
if you never
bring that up again.
533
00:19:39,124 --> 00:19:40,624
Look, you don't have
to give me money
534
00:19:40,626 --> 00:19:42,626
when you want me to do
something... just ask.
535
00:19:42,628 --> 00:19:45,762
Why can't you be my husband?
536
00:19:51,335 --> 00:19:53,970
I have to admit, it
would be kind of nice
537
00:19:53,972 --> 00:19:55,972
to have Bolton singing right now.
Oh.
538
00:19:55,974 --> 00:20:00,343
♪ When a man loves a woman... ♪
539
00:20:00,345 --> 00:20:02,345
♪ Men. ♪
540
00:20:08,892 --> 00:20:11,194
♪ Men. ♪
541
00:20:12,329 --> 00:20:14,063
Boarding pass?
Oh!
542
00:20:14,065 --> 00:20:15,932
Here you go, good sir.
543
00:20:15,934 --> 00:20:18,201
This is a Chinese takeout menu.
544
00:20:18,203 --> 00:20:20,803
Okay, okay, um, I do not have,
545
00:20:20,805 --> 00:20:22,171
uh, a boarding pass.
546
00:20:22,173 --> 00:20:24,474
But if you will let me
go to that gate,
547
00:20:24,476 --> 00:20:26,976
I'll do anything.
548
00:20:26,978 --> 00:20:29,779
Anything.
549
00:20:29,781 --> 00:20:32,115
You can't go to the gate
without a boarding pass.
550
00:20:32,117 --> 00:20:34,083
Have you ever been in love, sir?
551
00:20:34,085 --> 00:20:35,785
Yes. With America.
552
00:20:35,787 --> 00:20:38,087
Who I'm here to protect.
553
00:20:38,089 --> 00:20:40,590
That's why nobody gets through
without a boarding pass.
554
00:20:40,592 --> 00:20:42,258
Someone left a bag unattended!
555
00:20:42,260 --> 00:20:43,860
Lyndsey!
556
00:20:43,862 --> 00:20:45,094
We've got a runner!
557
00:20:45,096 --> 00:20:46,529
Lyndsey! Lyndsey!
558
00:20:46,531 --> 00:20:47,497
Alan?
559
00:20:47,499 --> 00:20:49,098
Lyndsey!
(stuttering)
560
00:20:51,101 --> 00:20:54,770
I-I-I-I-I love-love-love-love-
love-love you-you-you-you-you!
561
00:20:54,772 --> 00:20:56,292
I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm
p-p-p-p-peeing!
562
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:12,300
Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man
39037
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
