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English (HI) Subtitles.
[MP4] Two and a Half Men S12E03 (720p) Glamping in a Yurt HDTV [KoTuWa]
1
00:00:01,608 --> 00:00:03,188
Previously on
Two and a Half Men...
2
00:00:03,189 --> 00:00:04,190
I almost died, Alan.
3
00:00:04,191 --> 00:00:05,790
But the important thing is
you didn't.
4
00:00:05,792 --> 00:00:08,493
Other than you guys
and my mom, I got nobody.
5
00:00:08,495 --> 00:00:09,861
At least you got Jake.
6
00:00:09,863 --> 00:00:11,262
I want to have a kid of my own.
7
00:00:11,264 --> 00:00:13,198
There's no way you're getting
a baby-- you're a single guy,
8
00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:15,667
and the system is really geared
towards married couples.
9
00:00:15,669 --> 00:00:17,869
Alan Harper,
will you marry me?
10
00:00:17,871 --> 00:00:19,504
I now pronounce you married.
11
00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:23,441
You may kiss.
12
00:00:25,979 --> 00:00:28,112
♪ Men. ♪
13
00:00:28,114 --> 00:00:30,915
Um, yes, this is Walden Schmidt.
14
00:00:30,917 --> 00:00:33,218
I'd like to order
a credit card for my husband,
15
00:00:33,220 --> 00:00:35,420
Mr. Alan Harper-Schmidt.
16
00:00:35,422 --> 00:00:37,622
Uh, yeah, and, uh,
refresh my memory.
17
00:00:37,624 --> 00:00:40,892
What's the cash advance limit
on my black card?
18
00:00:44,064 --> 00:00:46,231
Holy new Rolex.
19
00:00:48,301 --> 00:00:51,169
Oh, oh, m-my mother's
maiden name?
20
00:00:51,171 --> 00:00:54,739
Uh, I didn't really know her
before she was married, so...
21
00:00:54,741 --> 00:00:55,741
Morning.
22
00:00:55,742 --> 00:00:58,710
Um, uh, I'll call back later.
23
00:00:58,712 --> 00:01:00,078
Charities.
24
00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,680
It's not like the kids won't
still be starving in an hour.
25
00:01:03,717 --> 00:01:05,650
Um...
26
00:01:05,652 --> 00:01:07,652
Hey, I was meaning
to ask you something.
27
00:01:07,654 --> 00:01:10,154
Um, what's your
mother's maiden name?
28
00:01:10,156 --> 00:01:13,992
This might be easier if I just
give you my online password.
29
00:01:14,016 --> 00:01:14,693
Oh.
30
00:01:14,694 --> 00:01:18,162
It's “Don't order
credit cards in my name.”
31
00:01:19,699 --> 00:01:22,367
Right, uh, all one word,
no spaces?
32
00:01:22,369 --> 00:01:24,402
Hey, there's
the newlyweds.
33
00:01:24,404 --> 00:01:26,237
I made you some
honeymoon pancakes.
34
00:01:26,239 --> 00:01:27,605
Aw...
35
00:01:27,607 --> 00:01:29,574
They're in the shapes
of hearts and arrows.
36
00:01:29,576 --> 00:01:32,110
Oh, actually,
they're asses and...
37
00:01:32,112 --> 00:01:34,112
Uh, sure--
hearts and arrows.
38
00:01:34,114 --> 00:01:35,480
(laughs)
39
00:01:35,482 --> 00:01:38,449
Alan, my arrow's twice
as big as yours.
40
00:01:38,451 --> 00:01:39,751
Mine's life-size.
41
00:01:39,753 --> 00:01:41,019
I'm still gonna be hungry.
42
00:01:41,021 --> 00:01:43,588
I just realized,
Walden,
43
00:01:43,590 --> 00:01:45,690
that I worked for you
when you were single.
44
00:01:45,692 --> 00:01:48,126
And now you're married.
45
00:01:48,128 --> 00:01:51,763
Maybe someday I'll be working
for you when you're a widower.
46
00:01:51,765 --> 00:01:53,631
Bacon, Zippy?
47
00:01:55,302 --> 00:01:57,535
So, how's the adoption
process going?
48
00:01:57,537 --> 00:02:00,038
Is somebody other than Alan
calling you “Daddy”?
49
00:02:04,110 --> 00:02:06,577
It's going great.
50
00:02:06,579 --> 00:02:08,646
We have a meeting with
the social services department
51
00:02:08,648 --> 00:02:09,648
this week.
52
00:02:09,649 --> 00:02:11,015
Nice.
53
00:02:11,017 --> 00:02:13,885
So, if you do get a kid,
which room is he gonna live in?
54
00:02:17,424 --> 00:02:19,424
Oh, guys, I'm kind of
a drunken slut,
55
00:02:19,426 --> 00:02:21,993
I don't think I should
share a room with a baby.
56
00:02:23,229 --> 00:02:26,030
♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪
57
00:02:26,032 --> 00:02:28,703
♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪
58
00:02:28,704 --> 00:02:31,704
♪ Two and a Half Men 12x03 ♪
Glamping in a Yurt
Original Air Date: 2014-11-13
.
59
00:02:31,729 --> 00:02:34,700
Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man
60
00:02:34,730 --> 00:02:36,556
♪ Men. ♪
61
00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:38,423
Hey, what ya doing?
62
00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:40,726
Oh, paperwork for our meeting
with the social worker.
63
00:02:40,728 --> 00:02:43,328
Um, household
net worth.
64
00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:46,531
Well, let's see, uh, you're
worth a billion dollars,
65
00:02:46,533 --> 00:02:48,166
so together we are worth...
66
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:50,736
A little bit less than
a billion dollars.
67
00:02:52,072 --> 00:02:55,006
Hey, so Evelyn said it's cool
if I crash at her place.
68
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:56,441
What, wait--
it was that easy?
69
00:02:56,443 --> 00:02:57,809
My mom never
lets me stay there.
70
00:02:57,811 --> 00:02:59,644
Yeah, she's gonna let me live
in the guest house.
71
00:02:59,646 --> 00:03:01,546
There's a guest house?!
72
00:03:01,548 --> 00:03:03,582
If-if you need, uh, help
moving, let us know.
73
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:05,650
Thanks, but Evelyn said
I could borrow the Range Rover.
74
00:03:05,652 --> 00:03:08,186
There's a Range Rover?!
75
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,921
Oh, hey, uh, what should
I put down for, uh...
76
00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:11,757
“Why do you want
to adopt a child”"
77
00:03:11,759 --> 00:03:12,858
Hmm.
78
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:13,860
'Cause we're dudes,
79
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:14,893
and we don't have
baby holes?
80
00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:17,095
(laughing)
81
00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,366
You know you have
to sell yourself
82
00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:22,467
as a real couple, right?
83
00:03:22,469 --> 00:03:23,935
We are a real couple.
84
00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:25,837
That's why we got married
in the first place.
85
00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:28,206
Yeah, it also gave us the chance
to register at Crate & Barrel
86
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,574
for this fabulous stemware.
87
00:03:29,576 --> 00:03:31,009
(chimes)
Ding.
88
00:03:31,011 --> 00:03:32,344
See, you're making jokes instead
89
00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:34,780
of expressing real emotion.
90
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:37,649
You're gonna have to prove that
you're a real couple, you know?
91
00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:39,885
That you're in love,
that you're soul mates,
92
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:42,587
that you can't survive
without the other.
93
00:03:42,589 --> 00:03:44,890
I actually can't survive
without him.
94
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:45,924
I am just saying,
95
00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:47,058
I don't want to see you
96
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,160
put all this work in and not get
97
00:03:48,162 --> 00:03:49,795
the payoff you deserve.
98
00:03:49,797 --> 00:03:51,596
It's like when you get
“the tap.”
99
00:03:51,598 --> 00:03:53,398
Get the what?
The tap.
100
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,600
You know, when you're
in bed with a girl,
101
00:03:55,602 --> 00:03:57,202
and you've been
down there for a while,
102
00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:59,971
and suddenly she gives you
the old “Thanks for trying” tap
103
00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:01,640
on the top of the head.
104
00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:04,209
Ah...
105
00:04:04,211 --> 00:04:07,345
Oh, yeah, the tap, yeah.
106
00:04:07,347 --> 00:04:09,114
I hate the tap.
Mm.
107
00:04:09,116 --> 00:04:11,650
You know, I am sure
that we can be believable
108
00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:13,084
as a loving couple.
109
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:15,520
You want to see believable?
This... (stammers)
110
00:04:15,522 --> 00:04:17,222
Watch.
111
00:04:17,224 --> 00:04:22,345
Alan,
112
00:04:22,347 --> 00:04:24,647
(laughing)
113
00:04:24,649 --> 00:04:26,116
I'm sorry.
114
00:04:26,118 --> 00:04:28,102
You have this one nose hair
that keeps going in and out.
115
00:04:28,126 --> 00:04:28,886
Oh.
116
00:04:28,887 --> 00:04:31,988
And I laughed because
no one could possibly love me.
117
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:37,861
♪ Men. ♪
118
00:04:38,697 --> 00:04:39,996
Guess what I just finished.
119
00:04:39,998 --> 00:04:41,264
Once again,
120
00:04:41,266 --> 00:04:44,100
you don't have to tell me
every time you masturbate.
121
00:04:44,102 --> 00:04:47,670
I will not apologize
for sharing my day with you.
122
00:04:49,207 --> 00:04:50,440
But that is not this.
123
00:04:50,442 --> 00:04:52,394
It is my essay describing
124
00:04:52,394 --> 00:04:53,986
what I love about
my love about my spouse,
125
00:04:54,010 --> 00:04:55,856
for our meeting
with the social worker.
126
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:57,388
Good. I'm so nervous
about this meeting
127
00:04:57,389 --> 00:05:01,058
I'm somehow constipated and
wracked with explosive diarrhea.
128
00:05:02,094 --> 00:05:04,862
You're not the only one
who can share his day.
129
00:05:04,864 --> 00:05:06,463
Well, after she reads this,
130
00:05:06,465 --> 00:05:09,099
there's no way she won't
believe we're a couple.
131
00:05:09,101 --> 00:05:14,004
Okay, uh, “Walden is the most
caring person I know.
132
00:05:14,006 --> 00:05:16,206
He always puts my needs
before his own.”
133
00:05:16,208 --> 00:05:17,541
Uh, “Whether it's surprising me
134
00:05:17,543 --> 00:05:19,843
“with an espresso and a
chocolate croissant in bed,
135
00:05:19,845 --> 00:05:21,812
“glamping in a yurt
at Big Sur,
136
00:05:21,814 --> 00:05:24,314
“or sneaking up behind me
in the shower with a loofah
137
00:05:24,316 --> 00:05:26,550
to exfoliate those hard-to-reach
places...”
138
00:05:28,220 --> 00:05:29,686
“...he's my everything--
139
00:05:29,688 --> 00:05:33,190
my husband, my lover,
my friend.”
140
00:05:34,660 --> 00:05:36,526
“My Wally Bear.”
141
00:05:39,298 --> 00:05:40,430
My God.
142
00:05:40,432 --> 00:05:41,698
I know.
143
00:05:41,700 --> 00:05:43,166
Now read me yours.
144
00:05:45,404 --> 00:05:48,105
Okay, um...
145
00:05:48,107 --> 00:05:50,707
“Alan is my best friend.”
146
00:05:50,709 --> 00:05:52,576
Loving it!
147
00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:56,947
“He's 47 years old.
148
00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:01,084
“He used to be a chiropractor.
149
00:06:01,086 --> 00:06:04,087
“He has never been
convicted of a felony.
150
00:06:05,291 --> 00:06:08,592
And his favorite meal
is swordfish.”
151
00:06:10,729 --> 00:06:13,263
Are you kidding me?
152
00:06:13,265 --> 00:06:14,631
That's what you love about me?
153
00:06:14,633 --> 00:06:16,333
That I've never
been convicted of a felony?
154
00:06:16,335 --> 00:06:18,235
I told you it's
a work in progress.
155
00:06:18,237 --> 00:06:19,603
What do you want me to say?
156
00:06:19,605 --> 00:06:22,406
He masturbates
with impressive frequency?
157
00:06:22,408 --> 00:06:24,942
At least that would show
you're paying attention.
158
00:06:24,944 --> 00:06:26,710
(doorbell rings)
And, by the way--
159
00:06:26,712 --> 00:06:30,047
my favorite meal
is red snapper.
160
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:35,752
Hi, Alan.
161
00:06:35,754 --> 00:06:36,887
Walden.
162
00:06:36,889 --> 00:06:39,723
Lyndsey, what's, uh,
what's going on?
163
00:06:39,725 --> 00:06:40,991
I-I thought you were
in rehab.
164
00:06:40,993 --> 00:06:43,293
I was, I-I got out
a couple days ago.
165
00:06:43,295 --> 00:06:45,162
Oh, well, that's great.
C-Come on it.
166
00:06:46,732 --> 00:06:48,405
How'd it go?
167
00:06:48,429 --> 00:06:50,969
It was the hardest thing
I've ever done in my life.
168
00:06:50,970 --> 00:06:52,269
But-but on the plus side,
169
00:06:52,271 --> 00:06:54,171
it was right up the
street here in Malibu,
170
00:06:54,173 --> 00:06:56,640
so ocean views,
spa, chef,
171
00:06:56,642 --> 00:06:58,075
it was like
a five-star hotel.
172
00:06:58,077 --> 00:07:01,678
Except they take
your shoelaces.
173
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:04,848
Well, I'm sure you two have
a lot to talk about.
174
00:07:04,850 --> 00:07:06,917
So, I'm just gonna go
in the kitchen
175
00:07:06,919 --> 00:07:08,452
and pretend I'm not listening.
176
00:07:10,422 --> 00:07:14,391
Um, so, Lyndsey,
I-I'm so proud of you.
177
00:07:14,393 --> 00:07:15,959
Uh, how are you doing?
178
00:07:15,961 --> 00:07:17,160
I'm good.
179
00:07:17,162 --> 00:07:19,229
Um, I-I just got my 60-day chip.
Oh.
180
00:07:19,231 --> 00:07:22,566
And part of my recovery
is to make amends
181
00:07:22,568 --> 00:07:23,767
to the people I've hurt.
182
00:07:23,769 --> 00:07:25,202
So,
183
00:07:25,204 --> 00:07:28,305
I apologize for everything I did
to you while I was drinking.
184
00:07:28,307 --> 00:07:30,540
Oh, well, I appreciate that, um,
185
00:07:30,542 --> 00:07:32,542
but some of the things
you did to me,
186
00:07:32,544 --> 00:07:33,944
you don't have to apologize for.
187
00:07:35,114 --> 00:07:37,347
I mean, we had sex
in a Chipotle.
188
00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:43,020
I ate my burrito,
you ate my burrito.
189
00:07:44,757 --> 00:07:46,790
I ate your taco.
190
00:07:46,792 --> 00:07:49,593
And I later threw up
in your car.
191
00:07:49,595 --> 00:07:53,463
Yes, uh, but chunks weren't the
only thing you blew that day.
192
00:07:56,802 --> 00:08:00,570
Um, there is one other thing.
193
00:08:00,572 --> 00:08:04,041
If-if I haven't burned
too many bridges,
194
00:08:04,043 --> 00:08:07,677
I was wondering if maybe you
and I could give it another try.
195
00:08:07,679 --> 00:08:08,745
Oh, wow.
196
00:08:08,747 --> 00:08:09,846
Wow, that-that
is flattering.
197
00:08:09,848 --> 00:08:10,781
Um, it's just...
198
00:08:10,783 --> 00:08:12,482
(sighs)
You're seeing somebody else.
199
00:08:12,484 --> 00:08:16,486
Uh, kind of, um...
200
00:08:16,488 --> 00:08:18,021
Uh, uh, I'm...
201
00:08:18,023 --> 00:08:19,990
You're married?!
202
00:08:20,893 --> 00:08:22,125
That doesn't make any sense.
203
00:08:22,127 --> 00:08:23,193
Who is she?
204
00:08:23,195 --> 00:08:26,129
Uh...
205
00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:29,332
Uh, she is-is
actually, uh, a “he”"
206
00:08:29,334 --> 00:08:30,767
Um...
207
00:08:30,769 --> 00:08:32,502
It's... it's Walden.
208
00:08:32,504 --> 00:08:35,072
Oh, my God.
209
00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:38,375
Walden's gay?!
210
00:08:40,679 --> 00:08:42,813
♪ Men. ♪
211
00:08:42,815 --> 00:08:44,948
So, I guess what
I'm interested in is
212
00:08:44,950 --> 00:08:46,416
how you two got together.
213
00:08:46,418 --> 00:08:48,718
Uh, well, w-we met
at the dog park.
214
00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:51,688
His Labradoodle
sniffed my shih tzu.
215
00:08:52,724 --> 00:08:55,025
I remember when I proposed.
216
00:08:55,027 --> 00:08:56,927
I-I got down on one knee,
217
00:08:56,929 --> 00:08:59,096
and I looked up
into his beautiful...
218
00:09:00,099 --> 00:09:02,566
...blue eyes,
219
00:09:02,568 --> 00:09:04,734
and I asked him to share
his life with me.
220
00:09:04,736 --> 00:09:06,970
I guess what
I'm getting at is the fact
221
00:09:06,972 --> 00:09:09,239
that you've both been
married to women before.
222
00:09:09,241 --> 00:09:11,074
So, when did you realize
you were gay?
223
00:09:11,076 --> 00:09:15,812
Oh, well, on some level,
I've always known. Um...
224
00:09:16,782 --> 00:09:19,349
I mean, throughout, uh,
both of my marriages,
225
00:09:19,351 --> 00:09:21,184
I was in complete denial.
226
00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:22,419
Um, but after I met Walden,
227
00:09:22,421 --> 00:09:25,088
I finally felt safe
to-to be myself.
228
00:09:25,090 --> 00:09:26,723
Uh, I remember
our first date.
229
00:09:26,725 --> 00:09:28,692
Uh, we went to the Bowl to
see the Grease sing-along.
230
00:09:28,694 --> 00:09:30,527
Ah, “Tell me more,
tell me more.”
231
00:09:30,529 --> 00:09:32,963
Well, uh, Walden was
dressed as Danny Zuko,
232
00:09:32,965 --> 00:09:34,030
uh, and I was Sandy--
233
00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:35,699
uh, hot Sandy, you
know, in the leather.
234
00:09:35,701 --> 00:09:37,300
No, no, no, I was doing
the song, you know--
235
00:09:37,302 --> 00:09:38,735
♪ Tell me more,
tell me more... ♪
236
00:09:38,737 --> 00:09:41,171
Oh, my God!
237
00:09:41,173 --> 00:09:42,672
Did I miss a show tune cue?!
238
00:09:42,674 --> 00:09:43,740
(laughs)
239
00:09:43,742 --> 00:09:46,243
Somebody take away my gay card.
240
00:09:47,946 --> 00:09:49,913
And how about you, Walden?
241
00:09:49,915 --> 00:09:51,248
When did you know you were gay?
242
00:09:51,250 --> 00:09:54,918
I guess my first clue was
when I saw Basic Instinct.
243
00:09:56,021 --> 00:09:58,121
All my friends were looking up
Sharon Stone's skirt,
244
00:09:58,123 --> 00:10:00,357
and I was just looking
at her shoes.
245
00:10:01,660 --> 00:10:04,861
And I guess I got married
because of social pressures,
246
00:10:04,863 --> 00:10:08,098
but, eventually,
I had to be true to who I am.
247
00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:09,599
And I've never
looked back since.
248
00:10:09,601 --> 00:10:11,635
Unless I'm behind him.
249
00:10:11,637 --> 00:10:14,604
(both laughing nervously)
250
00:10:16,341 --> 00:10:18,542
(laughing nervously):
That's a good one.
251
00:10:18,544 --> 00:10:19,743
Ah...
252
00:10:19,745 --> 00:10:23,079
You two are
an interesting couple.
253
00:10:23,081 --> 00:10:24,948
Yeah, I see hundreds
of potential parents,
254
00:10:24,950 --> 00:10:26,283
but you two are
different somehow.
255
00:10:26,285 --> 00:10:27,517
I'm not sure what it is.
256
00:10:27,519 --> 00:10:29,019
Well, uh, maybe it's the fact
257
00:10:29,021 --> 00:10:32,222
that I-I look like I'm wearing
makeup, but I'm not.
258
00:10:33,559 --> 00:10:37,027
Y-You know, we may not be
like other couples, but...
259
00:10:37,029 --> 00:10:38,828
I know we can be
good parents.
260
00:10:38,830 --> 00:10:40,564
I get that, but it is my job
261
00:10:40,566 --> 00:10:42,899
to be a hundred percent sure
before I place a child.
262
00:10:42,901 --> 00:10:44,334
No, n-no,
look, look...
263
00:10:44,336 --> 00:10:47,804
I-I know we can provide
unconditional love to a child,
264
00:10:47,806 --> 00:10:52,475
a-and w-we can create a safe,
secure environment, and...
265
00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:55,712
What do people
that get kids say?
266
00:10:56,582 --> 00:10:57,514
How about this--
267
00:10:57,516 --> 00:10:59,015
how about I come out
to your house?
268
00:10:59,017 --> 00:11:00,383
We normally do
a site visit anyway.
269
00:11:00,385 --> 00:11:02,419
This way I could get to know
you guys a little better.
270
00:11:02,421 --> 00:11:04,287
Yeah, great, yeah,
why don't you come on over,
271
00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:07,657
and you'll see that we're
j-just a normal loving couple.
272
00:11:07,659 --> 00:11:08,592
Right, sweetie?
273
00:11:08,594 --> 00:11:10,794
That-that's right,
Wally Bear.
274
00:11:10,796 --> 00:11:12,329
I love this guy.
275
00:11:16,235 --> 00:11:18,401
♪ Men. ♪
276
00:11:22,697 --> 00:11:24,830
♪ Men. ♪
277
00:11:24,832 --> 00:11:25,968
Hey.
278
00:11:25,969 --> 00:11:27,795
Oh, flowers.
Nice touch.
279
00:11:27,796 --> 00:11:29,463
Gives the house a homey feel.
280
00:11:29,465 --> 00:11:31,098
They're for you.
281
00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:32,766
Really?
282
00:11:32,768 --> 00:11:35,135
I'm, uh, actually a lily man.
283
00:11:35,137 --> 00:11:36,904
Uh, but they're very nice.
284
00:11:36,906 --> 00:11:38,138
Alan, listen.
285
00:11:38,140 --> 00:11:39,273
Jenny was right.
286
00:11:39,275 --> 00:11:41,475
We are not believable
as a loving couple,
287
00:11:41,477 --> 00:11:44,011
and I think that's why Miss
McMartin wasn't sure about us.
288
00:11:44,013 --> 00:11:45,846
Now, this has
to be real.
289
00:11:45,848 --> 00:11:47,080
And that includes--
290
00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:49,583
being comfortable with
physical affection.
291
00:11:49,585 --> 00:11:51,785
Like this.
292
00:11:54,456 --> 00:11:55,656
Come on.
293
00:11:55,658 --> 00:11:56,890
Loosen up.
294
00:11:56,892 --> 00:12:00,260
I-I'm loose, it just feels
a little forced, that's all.
295
00:12:00,262 --> 00:12:02,596
Okay, well, let
it be natural.
296
00:12:02,598 --> 00:12:04,865
Just snuggle into
these broad shoulders.
297
00:12:10,839 --> 00:12:12,806
I do feel safe.
298
00:12:12,808 --> 00:12:15,042
Damn right, you do.
299
00:12:15,044 --> 00:12:17,311
You're with
your Wally Bear.
300
00:12:19,048 --> 00:12:21,648
Now, look
into my eyes.
301
00:12:21,650 --> 00:12:22,950
Like this?
302
00:12:22,952 --> 00:12:23,984
Yeah, exactly.
303
00:12:23,986 --> 00:12:25,852
And don't look away.
304
00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:30,924
We love each other.
305
00:12:30,926 --> 00:12:32,292
You're at home.
306
00:12:33,462 --> 00:12:37,097
Oh, I just noticed a little
green fleck in your right eye.
307
00:12:37,099 --> 00:12:38,932
It's like a-a downy
patch of moss
308
00:12:38,934 --> 00:12:41,268
on the trunk
of a majestic oak.
309
00:12:41,270 --> 00:12:43,937
(whispering):
Thank you.
310
00:12:45,741 --> 00:12:48,542
Sometimes I worry that I'm not
good-looking enough for you.
311
00:12:48,544 --> 00:12:50,744
Come on.
312
00:12:50,746 --> 00:12:52,412
You're perfect just
the way you are.
313
00:12:53,549 --> 00:12:55,048
My Alley Cat.
314
00:12:56,418 --> 00:12:58,085
A nickname.
315
00:12:59,255 --> 00:13:01,555
Sometimes...
316
00:13:01,557 --> 00:13:04,958
I worry that you don't know
how much you mean to me.
317
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:08,195
I want to be
your everything.
318
00:13:22,077 --> 00:13:25,078
All right, yeah!
319
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:27,114
That was convincing.
320
00:13:27,116 --> 00:13:28,815
We do that in front
of Miss McMartin,
321
00:13:28,817 --> 00:13:30,851
we'll get ten babies.
322
00:13:30,853 --> 00:13:31,985
Yeah, yeah.
323
00:13:31,987 --> 00:13:35,422
That was good enough
to fool just about anyone.
324
00:13:35,424 --> 00:13:37,090
(chuckles nervously)
325
00:13:37,092 --> 00:13:38,959
(sighs)
326
00:13:38,961 --> 00:13:41,428
♪ Men. ♪
327
00:13:41,430 --> 00:13:43,664
So, this is
our kitchen.
328
00:13:43,666 --> 00:13:45,065
We love to
cook together.
329
00:13:45,067 --> 00:13:46,566
Uh, correction,
I love to cook,
330
00:13:46,568 --> 00:13:48,168
he loves to eat.
331
00:13:48,170 --> 00:13:51,271
See? This is what
I wanted to see.
332
00:13:51,273 --> 00:13:53,040
The two of you just
being yourselves.
333
00:13:53,042 --> 00:13:54,007
Happy, relaxed.
334
00:13:54,009 --> 00:13:55,942
(doorbell rings)
Oh, I'll get that.
335
00:13:55,944 --> 00:13:57,944
If you really want
to see us relaxed
336
00:13:57,946 --> 00:13:59,680
you should come by
for brunch someday.
337
00:13:59,682 --> 00:14:02,382
The Mary's are bloody
and the Lorraine's are quiche.
338
00:14:02,384 --> 00:14:05,118
Oh, I can see why
you fell in love with him.
339
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:07,487
Really?
340
00:14:07,489 --> 00:14:10,223
What did you see exactly?
341
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:13,694
Alan!
342
00:14:13,696 --> 00:14:15,629
Lyndsey?
343
00:14:15,631 --> 00:14:16,930
Um, have you
been drinking?
344
00:14:16,932 --> 00:14:20,500
Uh, ding-ding-ding,
we have a wiener...
345
00:14:20,502 --> 00:14:21,902
Whoa, whoa,
okay, okay, shh!
346
00:14:21,904 --> 00:14:23,136
W-What are you
doing here?
347
00:14:23,138 --> 00:14:25,672
Well, you said
you and Walden
348
00:14:25,674 --> 00:14:27,541
are just getting married
to get a kid.
349
00:14:27,543 --> 00:14:30,877
So, there's no reason you can't
have sex with me on the side.
350
00:14:30,879 --> 00:14:32,679
You know, the “DL.”
351
00:14:32,681 --> 00:14:35,549
That means “Do Lyndsey.”
352
00:14:35,551 --> 00:14:38,452
Okay, okay, okay, this
is not a good time.
353
00:14:38,454 --> 00:14:39,953
Uh, the-the social
worker's here.
354
00:14:39,955 --> 00:14:41,188
Oh, that's great!
355
00:14:41,190 --> 00:14:42,789
I can help you guys.
356
00:14:42,791 --> 00:14:45,092
I can tell her that
you'll be good parents.
357
00:14:45,094 --> 00:14:47,260
And I know because
I'm a g... Oh.
358
00:14:48,764 --> 00:14:50,831
...mother.
359
00:14:50,833 --> 00:14:52,933
Okay, um...
360
00:14:52,935 --> 00:14:55,469
maybe-maybe we should go
to my room a-and talk.
361
00:14:55,471 --> 00:14:59,473
I won't be able to talk much,
'cause my mouth will be full.
362
00:14:59,475 --> 00:15:00,540
Wink, wink.
363
00:15:00,542 --> 00:15:03,410
(giggles)
Hopefully with breath mints.
364
00:15:04,546 --> 00:15:07,647
You wait in here and I will
call a cab to take you home.
365
00:15:07,649 --> 00:15:11,451
My home is in your pants.
366
00:15:11,453 --> 00:15:13,987
What happened? Why did
you start drinking again?
367
00:15:13,989 --> 00:15:15,856
Well, 'cause you married Walden.
368
00:15:15,858 --> 00:15:18,458
The only person in your life
who's prettier than me.
369
00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:20,694
But you know we're just
doing that to get a kid.
370
00:15:20,696 --> 00:15:23,363
Yeah, but if I wasn't
so screwed up last year,
371
00:15:23,365 --> 00:15:24,931
then we would still be together.
372
00:15:24,933 --> 00:15:27,200
Then we could get married
and have a baby. (gasps)
373
00:15:27,202 --> 00:15:29,069
We could sell that baby
to Walden.
374
00:15:29,071 --> 00:15:31,004
'Cause let's face it,
375
00:15:31,006 --> 00:15:32,939
we don't want to raise
another kid,
376
00:15:32,941 --> 00:15:34,775
'cause both our kids suck.
377
00:15:34,777 --> 00:15:37,411
Okay, uh, refreshing,
drunk honesty aside,
378
00:15:37,413 --> 00:15:38,678
um, d-don't blame yourself.
379
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:40,113
We all made mistakes.
380
00:15:40,115 --> 00:15:42,616
But we shouldn't let those
mistakes ruin things for Walden.
381
00:15:42,618 --> 00:15:44,551
Shh. You talk too much.
382
00:15:44,553 --> 00:15:46,353
Let's party.
383
00:15:49,391 --> 00:15:51,625
Lyndsey? Lyndsey?
384
00:15:51,627 --> 00:15:53,760
(groans)
385
00:15:53,762 --> 00:15:56,863
Wow, a half-naked drunk girl
is in my bed and I'm leaving.
386
00:15:56,865 --> 00:15:58,532
Maybe I am gay.
387
00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:02,235
I like to imagine the
family gathered here,
388
00:16:02,237 --> 00:16:04,704
eating an all-organic,
gluten-free meal
389
00:16:04,706 --> 00:16:07,307
of quinoa salad
and kale chips
390
00:16:07,309 --> 00:16:09,709
while watching the
original reality TV:
391
00:16:09,711 --> 00:16:12,179
a beautiful
ocean sunset.
392
00:16:12,181 --> 00:16:14,781
As long as this is a stable
environment for a child,
393
00:16:14,783 --> 00:16:16,683
I don't care
if you're eating Hot Pockets
394
00:16:16,685 --> 00:16:18,718
and watching Honey Boo Boo.
395
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:21,788
Uh, uh, Wally Bear, uh, can
I borrow you for a minute?
396
00:16:21,790 --> 00:16:24,391
Is it an emergency,
Alley Cat?
397
00:16:24,393 --> 00:16:28,428
Uh, it's more of a-a pickle, uh,
that needs immediate attention.
398
00:16:30,265 --> 00:16:31,798
Oh, it's okay. Go.
399
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:34,468
Yeah, I would never come between
a man and his husband's pickle.
400
00:16:36,738 --> 00:16:39,272
Lyndsey's here.
She's drunk.
401
00:16:39,274 --> 00:16:40,407
Why?
402
00:16:40,409 --> 00:16:41,741
She wants to have sex with me.
403
00:16:41,743 --> 00:16:43,643
Why?
404
00:16:43,645 --> 00:16:44,878
Wait... Where is she?
405
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,313
She's passed out in my room.
406
00:16:46,315 --> 00:16:48,248
Okay, okay, we-we need
to get Ms. McMartin
407
00:16:48,250 --> 00:16:49,850
out of here as fast as we can.
408
00:16:49,852 --> 00:16:51,718
Right, right. Oh, um,
by the way, when Lyndsey
409
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,353
tried to kiss me,
I was totally into it.
410
00:16:53,355 --> 00:16:54,454
I don't know why I was worried.
411
00:16:54,456 --> 00:16:56,189
Worried about what?
412
00:16:56,191 --> 00:16:58,058
Nothing. Let's get her
out of here.
413
00:16:59,361 --> 00:17:00,727
Mm. Everything okay?
414
00:17:00,729 --> 00:17:03,530
Yes, we just had to reset the...
The, um...
415
00:17:03,532 --> 00:17:04,831
(mumbles): ...flaven
on the stave.
416
00:17:04,833 --> 00:17:06,600
But, uh, everything's
417
00:17:06,602 --> 00:17:09,035
okay now. Uh, c-can
I get you anything?
418
00:17:09,037 --> 00:17:10,704
Like directions for
your drive home, or...
419
00:17:10,706 --> 00:17:12,506
You know, I actually
do have to get going.
420
00:17:12,508 --> 00:17:14,241
I did not realize it was this late.
What?
421
00:17:14,243 --> 00:17:15,976
No.
Oh.
422
00:17:15,978 --> 00:17:18,378
I'm so disappointed.
Oh.
423
00:17:18,380 --> 00:17:20,447
I'll just get your things
and walk you out.
424
00:17:20,449 --> 00:17:22,716
Oh. There we go.
(chuckles)
425
00:17:22,718 --> 00:17:24,718
I got to say,
you look at that view
426
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:25,919
and you never want to leave.
427
00:17:25,921 --> 00:17:27,854
And yet you must.
428
00:17:27,856 --> 00:17:29,523
Unless you want to adopt me.
429
00:17:29,525 --> 00:17:32,259
(chuckles) You're so funny.
Here's your jacket.
430
00:17:34,530 --> 00:17:35,695
WALDEN:
Oh, my God.
431
00:17:35,697 --> 00:17:37,631
What?
Uh...
432
00:17:37,633 --> 00:17:39,466
This jacket,
it's-it's fantastic.
433
00:17:39,468 --> 00:17:42,035
What is this, wool?
I think so, yeah.
434
00:17:42,037 --> 00:17:44,137
Really? Because I... I would've
thought it was linen.
435
00:17:44,139 --> 00:17:45,872
Doesn't it feel
“linen-sy”, Alan?
436
00:17:45,874 --> 00:17:47,340
No, it's
definitely wool.
437
00:17:48,777 --> 00:17:50,644
Holy crap.
What?
438
00:17:50,646 --> 00:17:52,846
Uh... I forgot to
flip the cushions
439
00:17:52,848 --> 00:17:54,014
on the deck
furniture.
440
00:17:54,016 --> 00:17:55,282
Imagine the
mildew.
441
00:17:55,284 --> 00:17:57,484
Alan.
442
00:17:57,486 --> 00:17:59,686
Milady.
443
00:18:02,591 --> 00:18:04,658
Here we go,
almost got it.
444
00:18:04,660 --> 00:18:06,159
If you could
just stay still...
445
00:18:06,161 --> 00:18:07,594
Yeah... Oh.
446
00:18:09,798 --> 00:18:12,499
Uh, all right, that's it.
That wasn't so hard, was it?
447
00:18:12,501 --> 00:18:14,467
Actually, it was a lot harder
than it needed to be, but...
448
00:18:14,469 --> 00:18:16,836
That's what he said.
(both chuckle)
449
00:18:16,838 --> 00:18:18,905
Uh, well...
Oh, your purse.
450
00:18:18,907 --> 00:18:20,574
Well, thank you, guys.
451
00:18:20,576 --> 00:18:22,075
Uh, you'll be hearing
from me soon.
452
00:18:22,077 --> 00:18:23,910
Got it. Bye.
453
00:18:26,548 --> 00:18:27,747
Oh, my God.
454
00:18:27,749 --> 00:18:29,149
Is Lyndsey okay?
455
00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:30,884
Oh, sure. She's practically
indestructible when she's drunk.
456
00:18:30,886 --> 00:18:32,786
I've seen her fall down
a flight of stairs
457
00:18:32,788 --> 00:18:34,254
and not spill her mojito.
458
00:18:34,256 --> 00:18:35,622
(knocking)
459
00:18:36,592 --> 00:18:39,859
I'm so sorry,
I forgot my phone.
460
00:18:39,861 --> 00:18:41,621
Oh. Here it is, right
here on the table. Hey.
461
00:18:41,636 --> 00:18:42,463
Oh, hey. Ho!
462
00:18:42,464 --> 00:18:44,097
(laughs) Got it. And
get the hell out of here.
463
00:18:44,099 --> 00:18:47,434
Oh, one last thing. Um, I'm not
supposed to say anything,
464
00:18:47,436 --> 00:18:49,469
but unless something
crazy happens,
465
00:18:49,471 --> 00:18:50,937
you're gonna get approved.
466
00:18:51,607 --> 00:18:52,639
Seriously?
467
00:18:52,641 --> 00:18:53,907
Get out of here.
468
00:18:53,909 --> 00:18:55,108
Seriously.
469
00:18:55,110 --> 00:18:58,078
I'm here to help
with the baby.
470
00:18:58,080 --> 00:18:59,112
Seriously?
471
00:18:59,114 --> 00:19:00,313
Who is this?
472
00:19:00,315 --> 00:19:01,615
Uh, uh, she is...
473
00:19:01,617 --> 00:19:04,484
Oh, you know what,
this happens all the time.
474
00:19:04,486 --> 00:19:06,353
Tourists get an out-of-date
map to celebrity homes.
475
00:19:06,355 --> 00:19:10,824
Honey, Charlie Sheen
doesn't live here anymore.
476
00:19:10,826 --> 00:19:13,226
JENNY:
Lyndsey?
477
00:19:13,228 --> 00:19:14,694
Hi.
478
00:19:14,696 --> 00:19:15,829
And who is this?
479
00:19:15,831 --> 00:19:18,298
I fell down
in the sand.
480
00:19:18,300 --> 00:19:19,799
This is...
481
00:19:19,801 --> 00:19:22,135
I'm the next-door
neighbor. Hi.
482
00:19:22,137 --> 00:19:23,403
Uh, we were having
a get-together
483
00:19:23,405 --> 00:19:24,738
and this one got away.
484
00:19:24,740 --> 00:19:26,306
Our next-door neighbor.
That... Oh, that's right,
485
00:19:26,308 --> 00:19:27,374
I remember you
486
00:19:27,376 --> 00:19:29,242
from the Fourth of
July block party.
487
00:19:29,244 --> 00:19:31,778
Yeah... Oh, which, by the way,
is amazing for kids.
488
00:19:31,780 --> 00:19:33,313
A waterslide,
shaved ice.
489
00:19:33,315 --> 00:19:35,849
My waterslide's
shaved.
490
00:19:35,851 --> 00:19:38,385
Okay, time to go home.
491
00:19:38,387 --> 00:19:39,719
And, um, you know what?
492
00:19:39,721 --> 00:19:41,955
These guys are great.
Ask anyone on our block.
493
00:19:41,957 --> 00:19:43,657
We're all pulling for them
to get a kid.
494
00:19:43,659 --> 00:19:45,492
Thank you.
You're very sweet.
495
00:19:45,494 --> 00:19:46,993
Okay, here we go.
496
00:19:46,995 --> 00:19:48,328
No, where are you
taking me?
497
00:19:48,330 --> 00:19:49,462
To get a drink.
498
00:19:49,464 --> 00:19:51,231
Aw, you're
my best friend.
499
00:19:52,634 --> 00:19:55,068
Boy. Glad I never
gave her a baby.
500
00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:57,203
You and me both.
501
00:19:57,205 --> 00:19:59,272
♪ Men. ♪
502
00:20:04,553 --> 00:20:05,748
♪ Men. ♪
503
00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:07,747
Hey.
Alan,
504
00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:09,414
what is the one thing
505
00:20:09,416 --> 00:20:11,149
you've never gotten
from your mother?
506
00:20:11,151 --> 00:20:13,451
Uh, let's see, uh,
love, respect,
507
00:20:13,453 --> 00:20:15,920
a home-cooked meal,
breast milk, um...
508
00:20:15,922 --> 00:20:18,757
Okay, this is gonna
take too long.
509
00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:19,991
Approval.
510
00:20:19,993 --> 00:20:21,660
Wait, are-are you
trying to tell me
511
00:20:21,662 --> 00:20:23,261
Ms. McMartin
approved us to adopt?
512
00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:25,030
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
513
00:20:25,032 --> 00:20:26,164
Oh, my God,
that's great.
514
00:20:26,166 --> 00:20:27,999
(laughs)
I am really happy for you.
515
00:20:28,001 --> 00:20:30,335
Thank you. I-I couldn't
have done this without you.
516
00:20:30,337 --> 00:20:33,338
And so, to say thank you,
I got you a little something.
517
00:20:33,340 --> 00:20:35,740
Oh, you didn't have to.
518
00:20:35,742 --> 00:20:37,042
Oh, my God.
519
00:20:37,044 --> 00:20:39,644
Tickets to the Grease
sing-along at the Bowl.
520
00:20:39,646 --> 00:20:40,779
You can take anyone you want.
521
00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:42,414
♪ You're the one that I want ♪
Aw!
522
00:20:42,416 --> 00:20:45,717
♪ You are the one I want,
ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪
523
00:20:45,719 --> 00:20:47,652
Fine.
524
00:20:47,654 --> 00:20:50,488
♪ We'll go together
like... ♪ (laughs)
525
00:20:50,490 --> 00:20:52,050
Oh, my God, I'm turning
into my husband.
526
00:20:56,500 --> 00:21:10,300
Sync, corrected by elderman
@elder_man
37596
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