All language subtitles for Top.Gear.S12E08.WEB.H264-13

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

Hello, hello!
Hello, everybody!

Hello and welcome.

Hello and welcome to a sea
of disappointed faces,

because these people
have driven
all the way down here today,

only to find that the show
isn't actually coming
from here today.

No, it is in fact coming
from 6,000 miles away,

here, in Vietnam.

Yes, we were told to meet
in the centre of Saigon,

and await further
instructions.

So, sit back, enjoy the ride.

CLARKSON: We arrived in
Saigon and got
straight down to business.

No! Mel...

That was Mel Gibson!

Mel Gibson
is We Were Soldiers.

-You're getting that mixed up
with Hamburger Hill...
-Since we left...

He sticks the knife
in the post.

No, you're right and Private
Pyle was Full Metal Jacket

which was shot
in the Docklands.

Will you stop going on about
what I imagine
are presumably war films?

-Ah! Hello. Thank you.
-Challenge!

Er...

"Since you can buy Rolexes
here for a fiver and lunch
for 50p,

"you're standing in the
world's biggest pound shop.

"You should therefore have no
trouble at all buying some
wheels for 15 million dong."

-15 million?
-I don't think...

Are these full of money?

-(ALL LAUGHING)
-CLARKSON: Wow!

Look at that!
15 million dong.

-I love the smell of money
in the morning.
-(LAUGHING)

Smells like wheels!

CLARKSON: Delighted that
for once, the producers

had been generous,
we headed for the showrooms.

I love having inches of money!

But our joy was short-lived,
as James discovered,

when he tried to buy
a bog-standard Fiat 500.

Can you tell me how much?

Um, 500...

560 million Vietnam dong.

-560 million?
-Yeah.

How much is 15 million dong?

Um, just about $1,000 US.

MAY: Even the back-street car
dealers were no good.

-Is it enough?
-For what?

For a car?

-For the car?
-Yeah.

-What happen with the car?
You want to...
-To buy.

To buy the car?

-Yeah.
-Oh, I cannot.

MAY: Jeremy, meanwhile,
had become desperate.

Would you sell me your car?
Can I buy your car?

Sell me your car!
Please!

MAY: And Hammond had given up
and gone for lunch.

Nothing.

It is quite tricky.

Pull up a chair, have a seat.

-What?
-They're not very big.

No! I've said to you all
along, you two are the freaks.

This place is
perfectly scaled. I love it.

MAY: But Hammond's joy
at fitting in the chairs

wasn't going to get us
out of our hole.

CLARKSON: I'll tell you
the problem

is cars only came to Vietnam
a few years ago, okay?

Four or five years ago.
They've got the 200% import
tax on them.

They haven't had time,

in the four or five years
since they've been here,
to get cheap.

There are no bangers.

Everything's expensive
and we're actually quite poor.

HAMMOND: It did look like
we'd come a long way
for nothing,

but then James and I
had an idea.

No.

-Go on.
-No.

HAMMOND: Look around us.
What do we see everywhere?

No, I can't.
You know I can't do that.

MAY: What else is there?

I bet you can get a bike
for that.

-It's our only hope.
-I bet you can get a lump
of excrement for that as well.

-It doesn't mean...
-It's transport with
an engine.

-It's the only choice we have.
-Come on.

-No.
-Look, that's all we've got.

Bikes.

HAMMOND: James and I
did have a point.

Because cars are so expensive
in Vietnam,

bikes are used here as family
saloons, delivery trucks,
people carriers.

They're used for everything.

If you don't have a bike here,
you're a nobody.

So we took the plunge
as well, and an hour later,

met up at the American War
Museum with our
cheap-as-chips wheels.

I bought this.
It's a Minsk.

Russian, 125cc, and it's
basically the AK-47 of bikes,

rugged, simple,
easy to repair.

It is built specifically
to be used in countries
where there are no roads.

It will be, for whatever
they throw at us, perfect.

MAY: I've gone completely
native and I've bought this.

It's an ancient
Honda 50 Super Cub,

the greatest motorcycle
in history.

Over 60 million of those
have been built,

and it is a greater liberator
of the people than...

Well, that American tank,
for example.

I've bought this,
which is, um...
A motorcycle.

HAMMOND: Well, technically,
this is a scooter.

MAY: It is.
CLARKSON: Don't let go now.
It'll fall over.

No, it's got a thing
called a stand.

-You really don't know
anything about bikes, do you?
-Nothing.

I tell you what I will say,
it is actually very pretty.

But it's gonna be useless,
because whatever
the challenge is,

-tiny wheels and looking
good won't help you.
-Why are tiny wheels wrong?

-Little wheels go further
into the holes.
-What holes?

The holes in the road.

You'll be all over the place!

How many cylinders has it got?

BOTH: One.

-One?
-MAY: It's two-stroke.

CLARKSON: It was time
for the main challenge.

I promise you,
I'm not interested in this.

"You'll now attempt to achieve
in eight days

"what the Americans failed
to achieve in 10 years.

"Get from the south
of Vietnam to the north.

"You will ride from here
in Saigon to Ha Long City,

"near the Chinese border,
which is 1,000 miles away."

-That is excellent!
-Wow!

That's the best challenge
we've ever had.

I'm going!
Get his bike started.

-Honestly, that is fantastic.
-Let's go!

I can't do that.
I just...
I can't do that.

I can't do...

Guys, I can't do that.

I can't ride a bike.

Ridiculous.
I'm sorry, this is stupid.

I'm not joking.
I don't know who came up
with this, but it's daft.

I think it's brilliant.
I'm more excited
than anything we've ever done.

I can't believe you're being
a misery-guts.

-It's 1,000 miles in
the rainy season!
-That's the best thing!

It's 1,000 miles, in the rainy
season, in a country with
not very good roads,

and I can't ride a bike.

CLARKSON: There was
good reason for my despair.

The cities in Vietnam
are a seething cauldron
of barely organised chaos.

They're a death trap
for the inexperienced.

And in the countryside,
there's even more peril.

Four times more people here
die on the roads
than in Britain.

I honestly believed
that at some point

on our long and torturous
route, one of us would
be killed.

Probably wouldn't be Hammond,
though, because unlike us two,

he at least could get
a helmet which fitted.

The reason I don't ride
a motorcycle is because
I have a large brain.

-No, you have a big head.
-The reason why crash
helmets are small

is because people who wear
them haven't got a brain.

Otherwise they'd have a car.

MAY: Since we were due to set
off the following morning,

Jeremy and I
had to get helmets made

in a back-street metal shop.

(WELDING TORCHES BUZZ AND POP)

-Okay, bend.
-(BOTH SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)

MAY: With our orders placed,
Richard and I fettled
our bikes,

and Jeremy hit the bar.

MAY: Departure day,
and immediately,
there was a problem

because in the workshop
the night before,

my Vietnamese hadn't been
as fluent as I'd thought.

Where did all those come from?

These?
I can't really turn
my head, so...

-You're not excited, are you?
-No.

This is a great moment.
I'm very excited.

It's the beginning
of an epic adventure.

(ENGINE REVS)

Are you off then?

-This is it?
-Yep. Yep.

-1,000 miles?
-Yeah!

-(ENGINES REV)
-Right then!
Three, two,

-one. We're off!
-Go!

HAMMOND: If we were to reach
our overnight halt in the
mountain town of Da Lat,

we had to get cracking,

which is why James
immediately shed some weight.

I've had to ditch my wok!

(MEN CHATTER IN VIETNAMESE)

(ENGINE FIRES)

Oh.

(ENGINE REVS, THEN STALLS)

Stupid thing!

HAMMOND: Meanwhile, James
and I were having a ball
in the madness of it all.

Whoa!
This is such a melee.

I've been riding bikes for
25 years and I've never done
anything like this.

MAY: I think you
just improvise.

It's amazing.
It just sort of works!

-Do you know how to start it?
-No.

All right, get on.

Well, some Vietnamese people
came and they just trod on
it and it started.

-Oi! Whoa, wrong side
of the road!
-(BOTH LAUGHING)

One, neutral, two,
three, four.

(ENGINE IDLES)

There you go.

There you go.

(ENGINE STALLS)

You're getting it.

Yep, it's only been an hour,
and I've done, well,
three feet.

HAMMOND: That was a dog.

How does that work?

A bit more acceleration.

Oh...he's going to die!

HAMMOND: We were now
on the outskirts of Saigon.

HAMMOND: I'm glad we couldn't
afford cars.

This is better.

Er, that's one.
No, there we go.

Yes, that's a gear.

CLARKSON: A passing banker
had sold me his helmet,

which meant I was
now completely safe.

Sorry!

Oh...

Are we going down there?
Where are we going?

Argh!

(HORNS HONKING)

Is this your favourite place
in the whole world now?

-Yeah.
-And mine.

This is terrifying.
It's just bikes absolutely
everywhere.

Oh, my God, there's one
stalled in front of me.

Best motorbike I've ever had.

CLARKSON: This is the only
motorbike I'd ever had
and it was undriveable.

Oh, get into gear,
for God's sakes!
Stupid thing!

Gearbox has a mind
of its own,

there's no suspension.
It just wobbles!

It's going along and
it's just wobbling
all the time!

You're going the wrong way!

(ENGINE WHINES)

CLARKSON: Eventually, though,
I caught up with Barry Sheene
and his boyfriend.

Ah!

Thanks for waiting, mate.

Well, I thought, "Jeremy
always waits for me,
so I'll not wait for him."

-I thought you were
just behind us.
-You knew damn well I wasn't.

And then I discovered
why my bike
was so undriveable.

That nut is as tight as
it will go
and that is loose.

The drive shaft was
knackered, which, on a
Vespa, is bad news.

CLARKSON: We're going to have
to change the whole engine.

While we're doing that, the
front brakes are now being
adjusted so that they work.

Still, at least my mates
wouldn't leave me behind
this time.

Oh, no, what if we have
to finish the whole journey
without him?

BOTH: Oh! Oh!

CLARKSON: Unsurprisingly,
in such a "bikey" country,

a new engine was found
in minutes, and so I rolled
up my sleeves

and had some lunch.

You look at this and you
think, "What noise did this
make when it was alive?

"Did it go, 'Moo',
or did it go
'Tweet, tweet, tweet',

"or did it go, 'Neigh'?"

I think it went, "Ruff! Ruff!"

But it's delicious.

Um, well I think this thing
here is a sort of squid thing

-with some weird paste.
-Don't like squid.

-Okay, well you can
have crab with...
-I don't like crab.

Razor clams.

I don't like clams.

CLARKSON: By now,
the workforce had swelled
considerably,

and, as a result,
I was soon on the move again.

Okay, the wheel is no longer
wobbling,

got a new engine,
got a new gearbox,

and it feels exactly the same.

Rubbish!

Useless!

HAMMOND: As James and I made
smooth progress toward De Lat,

we were reflecting
on the pedigree
of our bargain basement bikes.

These bikes are quite
a common sight
all over the world,

and in certain places, they're
usually seen with members
of the Taliban on them,

carrying AK-47s,
and rocket launchers.

MAY: This is the wheels
of Asia.

Over 60 million of these sold,
so if you combine the Beetle,

the Model T, all the versions
of the Toyota Corolla,

and the Mini, you still
haven't got as many
as you have of these.

CLARKSON: Forty miles back, I
couldn't care less about the
bike's pedigree.

Work!
Just work, for one minute!

HAMMOND: Further up the road,
things were getting hilly,

which meant James
was having problems

with his Honda's miserable
four-horsepower engine.

(LORRY BEEPS)

Faster!

We can do it! Faster!

Faster!

(LORRY ENGINE ROARING)

And here we are again.

It's a lovely evening
in southeast Asia,
as you can see,

and I'd be enjoying it in any
means of transport apart
from the motorbike.

If somebody said to me,
"Would you like to hop
to Hanoi?"

Yes, I would.

HAMMOND: The last few miles
to De Lat were really steep.

Just admit it, you should have
bought a more powerful bike.

MAY: No!
I'm not admitting it yet.

I'm still going.

HAMMOND: I'm gonna
check it out,
see if it gets steeper.

MAY: I'm just
coming to a dignified failure.

She's going.
She's going. She's going.

That's it.

I've run out of gears.

I've run out of power.

CLARKSON: Still, at least
he hadn't put 15
Quadrophenia-style mirrors

right in front of his own
head lamp.

God almighty, I'm riding along

with the head light
illuminating nothing
but my own face.

HAMMOND: Our meeting point
was a restaurant in De Lat,

and James had worked up
quite an appetite by the time
he got there.

(PANTS)

-Well, I went to check ahead
if it got any steeper. It did.
-I know.

-Where is he, do you reckon?
-Don't know.

Do you think he's
enjoying his first biking
experience?

I am the most miserable
human being alive.

Where is this restaurant?

Where is it?

I quite like it here.
I like the way the roof's
been made

and the way the sticks have
been joined together.

-Whoa!
-Blimey!

-Mate, how are you?
-Congratulations.

-Do you want a beer?
-Yes!

We've drunk them,
but we'll get another.

CLARKSON: Hammond was loving
my misery,

but I got revenge by ordering
Set Menu B.

(SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)

What is ran?

You haven't eaten anything
since you got here, have you?

I have.
You just haven't seen me.
I've always been...

-What have you eaten
since you got here?
-Loads of stuff.

He had some Corn Flakes.

I was trying them just in case
they were different.

I like to try local cultures
and flavours

and they may
have been different
Corn Flakes.

But I'd been eating a squid,
soup, clam...

-(BOTH LAUGHING)
-Bamboo shoot arrangement
before you came in. I had!

CLARKSON: Then our
ran arrived.

HAMMOND: Oh, God,
I don't like snake.

CLARKSON: It's going
to be delicious.

If I told you
it was chicken...

-We'll have chicken then.
-Could I have it medium-rare?

What, a medium-rare snake?

How would you have it?
Well done, I suppose!

Richard didn't go for the
snake salad.
Or the snake soup.

And he really didn't go
for the still-beating
snake heart.

No...
Oh, I can't...
I'm fine.

-I have sampled
your world today...
-Yep.

MAY: Do you want vodka
with snake blood
or vodka with snake bile?

I don't need a vodka
with snake...

BOTH: Three, two, one, go.

Whoo! (EXHALES)

CLARKSON: James and I liked
the snake vodka.

In fact, we liked it
so much...

CLARKSON AND MAY: Three, two,
one, go.

But later, we may
have made mischief
with Hammond's helmet.

Why?

-CLARKSON: Morning.
-Did you do this?

Yes.

We just wanted to make sure
it was strong enough.

We were worried about you.
We were paralytically worried.

I was blind worried.

He was so worried on
a couple of occasions he fell
over with worry.

How did you do it?

We tested it by putting it
under the wheels of a lorry
and look what happened.

-You tested it?
-Yes.

So now that's...

-Ruined.
-Yes.

Don't worry, though.

We've just been out to town
and we've bought you
another one.

Don't take this the wrong way,
because colours assume
different significance

-in different cultures.
-Stop talking.

-Seriously, in Britain,
we think of that as
-(LAUGHING)

-a feminine colour.
-Stop moving your face about
with noises coming out of it.

-Stop!
-Here it's the colour
of warriors.

-CLARKSON: He's not very happy
with us.
-He's not.

CLARKSON: But at least
he was happier
than me, because today,

I faced another 130 miles
of rough roads, endless
breakdowns,

massive discomfort
and general peril.

Still, at least I'd been
assured it wouldn't rain.

Name an upside to this, mate!

Name one upside!

Well, you're not hot any more,
are you?

My light's dying.
It's dying.

My light's dying!

There was an upside though.

Richard's Taliban bike
had decided it liked the rain
even less than me.

Come on, now.

(GRUNTING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

That's not as effective
as I'd hoped it would be.

Oh, my God!

What the hell
is going on in my life?

Why has my life gone so wrong?

-It's good for you.
-It's not!

It is. Stop whining.

Hit that.
Cheer me up, kill yourself.

MAY: # I'll take you anywhere
you want, girl
Ride my Honda tonight #

I hate you!

# First gear, it's all right

# Second gear, I lean right

# Third gear, hold on tight #

(LITTLE HONDA PLAYING)

CLARKSON: All I could hope for
was that Captain Beach Boy

would have a disaster
on these awful, flooded roads.

Cock!

This is a massive "Oh, cock!"
How can it have run out?

That rain makes a really
annoying noise on my
colander helmet.

-And it comes through.
-(THUNDER CRASHES)

CLARKSON: On his much faster
Minsk, Hammond had passed
his old mate James,

not stopped to help,
and caught up with me.

-(LAUGHING)
-Sorry!
I've stopped.

He's enjoying it.

He is... He's enjoying it.
He is.

This nice man has stopped

on an old Russian motorcycle,

and I think he's
going to give me some petrol.

What a nice man.

In fact, I think I'll pay him.

My dong's going to be
all soggy, isn't it?

HAMMOND: At a filling station
further up the road,

Jeremy and I had pulled over,
because my clutch cable
had snapped.

You see, my clutch
should be there,
and it isn't.

This became a big problem
for all of us.

-James!
-May, there's bad news.

-What?
-The producers have got fed up

with us just replacing parts
willy-nilly on our bikes.

-You two, you mean?
-Yes. His clutch cable went.

He went and bought one
from in there.

-Yeah.
-So, they say that if our
bikes go wrong again,

we can't just keep them
going with tools,

-they've provided
back-up transport.
-Excellent.

CLARKSON: Excellent turned out
to be the wrong word.

-Ooh!
-Oh, my God!

Oh...

-Oh, yes, that is a bit...
-Oh, God, I don't think so.

It's slightly conspicuous.

(STAR-SPANGLED BANNER PLAYING)

Evidently.

-(THUNDER RUMBLES)
-That's thunder!
And the village.

(CHUCKLES) Have you noticed,
there was a rumble of thunder,
and the village arrived.

(STAMMERING)

Children, if you're
watching this at home

and you don't know
why this is inappropriate,

ask your parents.

But this is about
as inappropriate a bike

as it's humanly possible
to conceive.

CLARKSON: Amazingly,
all our bikes
suddenly worked perfectly.

However, getting to Nha Trang

meant crossing
more spectacular mountains,

which meant more bad news
for James.

I might even get third gear.
Wait for it.

Here it comes!

(ENGINE FADING)

Yes! No!

Come with me now.
I am Francis Rossi.

This is staggeringly good.
We are in the clouds.

By nightfall, we were
on the downhill run,
and finally united.

This is the first time
we've all ridden together

-since the square in Saigon.
-(HAMMOND LAUGHING)

It's dark and about to rain,
but there we are.

ALL: Wow!

Did you see that one?

(THUNDER CRASHES)

CLARKSON: The lightning was
biblical, and from my point
of view, quite useful.

Oh, no! No!

No, my light.
My light!

Fearful of the Yankee bike,

I strapped a torch
to my front mud guard

and with just two days
motorcycling experience,

set off into the night

where even Captain Experienced
found the going a bit tricky.

MAY: This is where
it gets bad.

Got to be careful on the
downhill bits, 'cause only
the back brake works.

Oh...
Huge truck with no brakes.

CLARKSON: Well, there's no
other word.
It's absolutely suicidal.

Eventually, we careered
into Nha Trang.

-Hold on, James!
-Holy crapoly!

-What do we do here?
-James just went straight
out then.

It had been another
hateful day...

HAMMOND: Wow, lightning!

(THUNDER CRASHES)

So I decided to cheer myself
up by buying Richard Hammond
a small present.

"If I can just stand this,
it'll warm up," and then
it doesn't

and you think, "Oh, nice!"
That's what it's like

-coming down the hill.
-Yes, exactly right.

-What?
-Bloody hell!

-CLARKSON: There you go.
-What is that?

-There you go, nice present.
Yeah.
-That's for me?

-Why?
-Well, because I thought
it would look good

in your hall,
in your new house.

Have you seen the detailing
on it?
I mean, look at the bridge.

-I see what you've done.
-Yeah.

If you had a car, you'd pop
it on the back seat
or in the boot.

Yeah, I see what you've done
here now.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

CLARKSON: We ploughed on
northwards with the
monotony only broken

by a light sprinkling
of massive discomfort.

Argh!

Oh!

Maybe 90 degrees.

75% humidity.

In fact, after a
day-and-a-half of solid
riding in this sweatbox,

our clothes were so rank,

we decided to get some more
in the town of Hoi An,

Vietnam's Savile Row.

Buying off the peg in Vietnam,
let's be honest, is all right
for you...

-But the trousers...
-Gonna be an issue for you,
I grant you that.

-Possibly in other areas...
-The girth!

-This is cashmere?
-Yes.

And how much is this?

The price for the whole thing,
$125 US.

A cashmere suit for £70.

-What, a whole suit,
or just the buttons?
-The whole suit.

-Made to measure.
-Made to measure!
How long does it take?

It takes one day to finish.

-HAMMOND: A day!
-So we can have any style.

-Any style.
-And any material?

-Yeah.
-Right, lads...

-(ALL LAUGHING)
-I might have some time
on my own.

Linen, not good.
Makes you look even fatter.

Jonathan Ross would
never wear

linen for that reason
because he's getting
quite portly.

Ah, this is Chinese brocade.

-Chinese brocade.
I don't know what that is.
-Yes.

I don't really know what I'm
doing here 'cause I'm not

very fashion conscious.

Your suit's ready.
Here it is.

Thank you, thank you.

-Thank you, that's very nice.
(LAUGHING)
-It's perfect.

They're measuring
my biceps now.

-Tape measure's
not long enough.
-Yeah, yeah, of course.

If she leaves that tape
measure under my armpit
any longer, it'll rot.

(ALL LAUGHING)

CLARKSON: With our suits
under way,

I decided to go for some
tailor-made shoes as well.

Which turned out to be
extremely good fun.

Since our new wardrobe
wouldn't be ready
till morning,

Richard and James suggested
we go to the beach.

With our stupid bikes.

Why are we doing this?

I've fallen off it!

I've fallen off!

Come on!

-Hey, this is great!
-MAY: Yeah!

CLARKSON: Happily, however,
I soon found a typical
Vietnamese hotel,

where I could revert
to being a human.

(ENGINE WHIRRING)

(ENGINE REVS)

Thank you.

Oh, come on, it's like being
on holiday with two idiots.

(ENGINE REVS)

There...

Ooh!

CLARKSON: To get away from
the dreadful bike noises,

I went to the spa
for a foot treatment.

Bah! That one's a piranha.

(STAMMERING IN FEAR)

HAMMOND: On the beach, we were
seeing who could get their
bikes nearest to the waves

which was a mistake.

-(ENGINE REVVING)
-Ooh!

(STAR-SPANGLED BANNER PLAYING)

HAMMOND: Not now, no!

Not now.
Not while that's there.

Yes. No.
Yeah. No!

CLARKSON: I am now officially
the world's most
comfortable man.

Mmm...

HAMMOND: Meanwhile, I was
getting my first lesson

in what, sadly,
put this country on the map.

You, here, fighting the US?

1968, yes.

"B52..."

B52's, here?

You, here?

"Death..."

Yeah.

This beach, yours.

I'll go.

Good to meet you.

CLARKSON: As night fell,
we decided to head
into downtown Hoi An,

only to find the Minsk
hadn't recovered
from its swim.

In a minute, you're going to
be driving along with that
blaring, from that bike.

No more spare parts allowed.

No, none are going on.
Just work.

If he turns up on
Bruce Springsteen,

I'll feel quite sorry for him,
but I'll still laugh.

CLARKSON: We had intended
to nip into town
for something to eat.

But in Hoi An, it's easy
to get a bit distracted.

CLARKSON: Wow!
MAY: It's very pretty,
I have to say.

CLARKSON: Extraordinarily
pretty, and Hammond
has missed it.

He is missing this...
How do I make these legs
go down?

-I didn't think you bothered.
-No, well...

-You getting fond of your
motorcycle, Jeremy?
-No.

-Are you sure?
-Yes.

(STAR-SPANGLED BANNER PLAYING)

(PLAYING LOCAL MUSIC)

I don't want to sound like
Michael Palin, all gushing,
but...

-You're going to.
-Yeah.

This is like that duck racing
thing they do on
British rivers

only much more beautiful.

-Was that like Palin?
-No, it was rubbish.

(ANNOUNCEMENT IN VIETNAMESE)

MAY: The next morning we
picked up our clothes
from the tailors

and hit the highway.

MAY: When I said I wanted the
sort of thing the locals would
wear to work

I was thinking more working
in a shop or on
a building site,

not working in an embassy
or going to a formal
reception.

It's Brighton Beach!

1965, Mods and Rockers!

Richard had a new look, too,
but sadly not a new bike.

Because annoyingly,
the Minsk had dried out.

Love your work!
Is that a smoking jacket?

-Is that a Mod coat?
-Oh, yeah, full of
Phil Daniels.

-Check out the lining!
-Oh, oh oh!

CLARKSON: As usual, however,
there was one small problem.

I fear my new Mod look
has been spoiled slightly

because somebody has written
"penis" on my helmet.

I did that.

As we headed for
the ancient capital of Hue
on the super-heated highway,

James started to fall
behind again.

And all Jeremy
and I could think
to do was buy him a present.

Something nice and heavy.

It's depressing,
being at the back.
I think he needs cheering up.

My thoughts exactly.
Which is why we've come to

Kerry Katona's front room.

-"Oh, it's all lovely, this!"
-(CHUCKLES)

Er... Leaping dolphins?

What about these lions?

This is a modern thing.

-He's not modern.
-No, he doesn't do modern.

-He won't like that.
-No, he's very...

Old-fashioned.

-CLARKSON: May! Welcome!
-Thanks for waiting.

We decided to buy
you a present.

(CLEARS THROAT)
You're standing right
next to it.

-That?
-We thought about that
long and hard.

-It's got...
-Seriously, it's classical.

It's a ballet, and we know
that you like the ballet.

-So you have actually
thought about it?
-BOTH: Yep.

-That's a real present.
-(MAY GRUNTS)

I need some straps.

CLARKSON: With Darcey Bussell
on the back of his bike,

James was being even
more careful than usual.

Which is more than could
be said of Hammond.

-Ooh!
-Oh!

-My galleon!
-All your masts have come off.

CLARKSON: They're all down.

I can fix it. I can fix that,
you'll never notice.

CLARKSON: A toll booth.

Motorbikes go free.

What's he done?

Sorry! I'm sorry!

-Hammond just hit the sign
in the tollbooth.
-I know.

That bloke's furious.

CLARKSON: Then the Vespa
came over all Italian again.

-Do you know something
very interesting?
-What's that?

My bike isn't broken.

-You're not going to believe
how they mended it.
-With a hammer?

No. They got a plastic bag,
filled it with weeds,

and kind of wedged
all the electrics.

So they can't jiggle about.

-See that mountain up
there, James?
-Yeah.

-We're going up there.
-Right.

I'll wait for you at the top.

CLARKSON: The mountain
was a bit of a surprise.

Because you expect to find
many things when you come
to Vietnam,

communistical farming,
reminders of the war,
stunning food,

massive heat.
What you don't expect to find

is a deserted ribbon
of perfection.

One of the best coast roads
in the world.

It's called the Hai Van Pass,

and in this place,
I had an epiphany.

(LAUGHING)

I'm liking this.

Hammond,
I'm going for an overtake.

-Yeah!
-This is great!

At last I've got a playmate.
(LAUGHS)

Don't leave me!

(STAR-SPANGLED BANNER PLAYING)

Man alive, it keeps
getting better!

CLARKSON: There are views
in the world,
and then there's that one.

I know this is when
I'm going to wish
I didn't have Darcey with me.

It's gone!
Hammond!

It's gone again.

It's gone.

(ENGINE STALLS)

-You know we mended
it with weeds?
-The weed bag, yeah.

The weed bag doesn't work.

Mind you, there are worse
places to break down.

-We go round the world,
but some of the stuff here...
-Yeah.

It's made my hair
all stand on end.

And there's nobody there...
Oh, I tell you who is here.
(CHUCKLES)

-Has he arrived?
-It's not a majestic sight,
is it?

-May.
-Yes.

Seriously, look at that view.

That's fantastic.

-James?
-Yes.

Have you got his present?
Or do you know where it is?

-I put it in the camera van.
-Go and get it. Now.
He's ready.

-Have you really
got me a present?
-MAY: Oh, yes.

Yeah, we've both been amazed.
Your first bike ride.

I think to come up here
on this road,
you deserve your present now.

-James, present him.
-Your present.

That is very

-striking, chaps.
-Yes.

Funnily enough,
that's the word I used.
It is.

I shall try to look
after this, Hammond,

a bit better than you're
looking after the galleon
that I gave you.

50 miles to Hue!

Down into second
for the difficult hairpin.

Oh, yes!
Knee down!

Every time I change down,
Darcey clouts me
with her breasts!

It's not a complaint,
it's an observation.

CLARKSON: We thought as we
got to the bottom of the pass

that we'd be back
in the chaos.

But no.

(BOAT ENGINE PUTTERS)

That image really is
a metaphor for Vietnam.

The mountains, the coastline,

the big new engineering
projects and the traditional
fishing scene down here.

With that soundtrack.

It is a fabulous country.
It really is.

That night in the hotel,

Hammond set about mending
his treasured galleon.

I think I may have to cut
some of the rigging.
'Cause there's...

CLARKSON: Meanwhile, to pay
him back for breaking it
in the first place,

I decided to redecorate
his treasured bike.

You know, he will be
apocalyptically cross
about this.

I know, but he's cross
about everything,
so it doesn't really...

-(LAUGHS)
-Oh, oh, oh!
Let's have a go.

-(CLARKSON CHORTLES)
-Oh, yes!

(SPEAKING IN VIETNAMESE)

-You like?
-Would you like to do some?

-Would you like to do some?
Pink! Oh, yeah.
-Oh, yeah.

If he asks, we just say,
"The chef did it."

If you painted the back,
he'd be furious.
Down there.

Do you have a pencil
I could borrow?

-A pencil?
-Yes.

Now look what's happened.
The whole town has turned out

to paint Richard Hammond's
bike pink.

James and I are doing
everything possible
to stop them...

(SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)

CLARKSON: Please
don't do this!

MAY: I've given up trying
to tell them.

And you missed a bit there
that you mustn't do as well.

Ah.

Look, you can't just go...

-Hang on, has she painted
her own bike?
-Seriously, don't...

It isn't hers.

That's not her... Oh!

What happened is, she's got
hold of this pink paint
and decided

everything in the entire
car park needs painting pink!

(CLARKSON LAUGHING)

CLARKSON: The sun rose over
another beautiful day
in the 'Nam.

But among us three,
the atmosphere was
a little tense...

I told you he'd be furious.

Can they really not organise
a bloody junction
better than this?

I know he's cross
but I've told him a chef
did it.

-Did he not believe you?
-No.

Funny, that.

-(THUMPING)
-Oh, dear.

CLARKSON: Despite Richard's
mood, we were told
to report to a nearby

government building
for a challenge.

I think it looks good.

-It matches your helmet now.
-Yes, I have spotted that,
that's the point.

A very good, yes.

No, I am sorry.
We did everything
in our power.

You know we're your mates.
Anyway, we need a challenge.

-He is cross but just read the
challenge, it'll cheer him up.
-(CLEARS THROAT)

It'll be the person
with the pinkest bike wins.
I'll bet you.

-The person with
the pinkest bike...
-There you go!

-No, it doesn't actually
say that.
-What does it say?

"You are about to enter
what was North Vietnam.

"It's as well your papers
are in order,

"you will therefore take
a Vietnamese
driving test."

Well, that'll just be one
of those joke ones.
You know, the Egypt one?

Forwards and backwards
six feet.

Cheer up!

This is gonna be a doddle.

(SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)

CLARKSON: It wasn't.

First, we had to take
an oral theory test

in Vietnamese.

(SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)

-May. May!
-(HAMMOND CHUCKLES)

Ahem!

It's you.
Stand up,
stand up, stand up!

(CONTINUES IN VIETNAMESE)

Oh, no.

Always give way to
the car from the right.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You've a one in a hundred
chance of being right, there.

But you were
in the wrong language.

Uh-oh...

(BOTH SNIGGER)

(SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)

Er...

(SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)

How the hell did...
What did you just do?

It was 18.
18 years old.

How did you know?

What age are you allowed
to ride a motorbike?
The answer is 18.

But...

How did you know
what she asked?

Did you not bother
learning Vietnamese
before we came here?

Well, no!

You're screwed, then.

MAY: So, only one of us
had shone
in the classroom.

But in the practical test,
things would be better.

Is it you have to ride
in a figure-of-eight,

then you can go out
and ride on Ho Chi Minh's
highways?

-Yes.
-That's it?

So if you touch
the white lines, you fail?

Presumably.

MAY: Barbara Cartland
went first.

Richard Hammond.

Ooh, it's me!

In.
It's quite tight...

Well, it serves him right
for riding an enormous
motorcycle.

Ooh, it's harder
than it looks!

Is he doing well?

Good?

Richard Hammond, pass.

-You've passed!
You've passed!
-He's passed!

James May.

HAMMOND: He'll love this,
it's all about precision,

going slowly
and being accurate.

CLARKSON: Gone the
wrong way...
(LAUGHS)

HAMMOND: It's a good
spectator sport, though,
isn't it?

CLARKSON: It is.
They're loving it.

They're really loving it.

INSTRUCTOR: James May.

Pass.

-Tiny...
-Jeremy Clarkson.

-Get on with it!
-Yes, yes.

Ah, I've got
the angle right.

Ah! Ah!

-No, that's not right.
-HAMMOND: What he's doing is,

rather predictably,
going too fast.

This is just impossible
on these wheels.
They're too small!

Jeremy Clarkson,
fail.

-BOTH: You've failed.
-I've only been
riding a bike five days.

Happily, in Vietnam,
if you fail you are allowed
to try again.

Immediately.

HAMMOND: He's spent less time
in the circle than he has
out of the circle.

Oh!

INSTRUCTOR: Jeremy Clarkson,
fail.

(MAY LAUGHS)

CLARKSON: Obviously, it was
the Vespa's fault,

so I had a go on the Cub.

Give it gas, man!
There you go!

The big wheels are
helping massively here.

MAY: You can't scoot it along.

HAMMOND: Oh, this
is disastrous.

CLARKSON: How's he ridden
this thing?

INSTRUCTOR: Jeremy Clarkson,
fail.

Is he the most
ridiculous human being in the
world currently, or ever...

-Ever, previously?
Yeah.
-Yes.

We're gonna have to get going.

HAMMOND: But we haven't got
a licence.

Well, that's 'cause you
failed your theory.

You haven't been granted
a pass for your practical,
it's pathetic.

-But as a team...
-HAMMOND: As a team, we've
done both halves of it.

HAMMOND: As a unit,
we are licensed.

-We are now licensed.
-We could have
a Top Gear licence

-with all our faces on it.
-As long as we
stick together.

HAMMOND: That's all right,
yeah.
CLARKSON: No!

MAY: Oi!

-It was important, that.
-I am sorry, James. I am.

You're not sorry.
Please shut up.

CLARKSON: To apologise
for Darcey's head,

I bought James some flowers
and then we headed out of Hue.

(BLEEP)

You've knocked one
of my mirrors off!

Even though we were against
the clock, we felt we had
to stop at the citadel.

Scene of one of the fiercest
battles in the Vietnam War.

MAY: Bullet holes everywhere.
HAMMOND: Yeah.

And everywhere you look,
it's just...

You can track them as well,
can't you, sometimes?

That is machine-gun
fire there.

Yeah, there it goes.

I think, for most people,
Vietnam is a war,

-not a country.
-Yes.

And this was pretty much
the epicentre.

MAY: It's nice that they
haven't restored it.

That's a better memorial than
anything else, isn't it?

CLARKSON: It was now day six
of our epic road trip,

and the finish line was
still more than 400
miles away.

What's more, the traffic
was getting worse.

-You can tell we're getting
close to the North.
-What, more bikes?

Well, a lot more bikes.

The heat was worse than ever,
and even James' Cub

was starting to feel
the strain.

That's just not as sweet as it
was this morning.

CLARKSON: Progress, then,
was slower than ever.

And over lunch,
the penny dropped,
with a horrible clang.

Rice.

HAMMOND: Yeah. Yeah.
MAY: Those are bamboo shoots.

MAY: And that's meat.
HAMMOND: Some meat.

Guys.

Yeah?

We can't make it.

If you think how far
we've come so far,

and how far we've got...
Well, we're about halfway.

Well, thinking about it,
probably that...

That day spent playing
on the beach
and having a massage,

while we had our suits made...

-Wasn't actually the... No.
-No.

We can't just give in.

HAMMOND: So what're
you saying?
We must try harder?

-No.
-We must find a way of making
the bikes faster?

-No.
-Cheat.

Yep.

CLARKSON: We decided to take
an overnight
train to Ha Long City,

which is something
the Americans
never thought to do.

But we couldn't celebrate
our ingenuity
because at the station

James was a bit upset that my
spare wheel had come through
my painting.

Now look what you've done.

-What, I did it on purpose?
-Hammond paid for it,

and it was...
Well, we won't say how
much it was,

-but it was quite expensive.
-Yes.

CLARKSON: You're not making
me feel any better.

MAY: How do you think we feel?

Let's not get bogged down

with who did what to who.

MAY: No, 'cause you did
all of it.

-(ALL GROANING)
-Argh! Come on!

-(BLOWING WHISTLE)
-Wait, wait, wait.

Ooh, sorry, sorry.

In the night, can you water
the flowers for me?

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

-Sorry.
-Yeah, a tyre went through it.

Sorry!

CLARKSON: James had bought
the tickets, and great news
for licence payers,

they were for third class.

Thirteen hours.

There are people sleeping.

(WHISPERS)
Thirteen hours.

How long have we done?

Four minutes.

Getting through it.

CLARKSON: We decided to pass
the rest of the time by
mending each others' presents.

Oh. Oh, oh oh!

Moves about more
than I expected,
but that's okay.

It'll give the painting some
motion, some fluidity.
It's good. It's good.

That's like trying to unravel
the mystery of the universe.

Made of string.

(CLATTERING)

In the accident,
we've lost her hand.

The thing that...
Maybe I could improvise
that and make that her hand,

and then she's like
a sort of mutant.

What I've done is inject
a touch of the familiar

to this otherwise
quite alien scene.

Ahh! Ahh!

Ahh.
Why is that so hot?

Is that glue?

Why's it so hot?

My suit!

I've dropped hot glue
on my suit!

Do you have anything to cure
superglue burns through silk?

I've got my hand in the front
of my trousers. Don't read
anything into that.

CLARKSON: In the morning,
the train was
approaching our destination.

James is going to be extremely
pleased with...

Not so much with this, but
the surgery on her shoulder...

That is the work of a top doc.

It's difficult really
to explore
the allegorical significances

and layers of the painting
when I'm, well, sober.

What you've done

is you've painted a
Land Rover in the middle
of a Vietnamese scene.

-Yeah. The...
-Mind you, you're in for a big
surprise when you see

what May's done
to your galleon.

HAMMOND: It's not brilliant,
mate, if I'm honest.

-And what are these?
-Chopsticks.

But what are they
representing?

Oars.

It's a Chinese junk there.
It's the best I could do
with the bits that survived

and stuff I could buy from
the woman with the trolley.

CLARKSON: Finally,
two days early,

we arrived in Ha Long City.

Where's her hand?

I've completely lost it.

(HORN TOOTS)

-Who did what?
-CLARKSON: Move this out
the way... Sorry?

This is heavy presumably.

Darcey's head's come
off again.

-Don't touch it!
-Okay.

CLARKSON: This has been
the clumsiest arrival
at a finishing point.

It hasn't been an elegant
arrival, but we are
at the finishing point.

It's very hot.
Is it hotter here than it was?

Isn't there a sea breeze?

How do you spell Ha Long?

-H-A-L-O-N-G.
-(HORN BLARING)

It's two words.

G-A.
I think that means train
station, I think. Ga.

-Ha Noi. Ha Noi.
-Ha...

Well, where did you
book the tickets to?

There's nothing wrong
with the tickets.

-Well, clearly,
we're in the wrong place.
-Yes. But...

Ha Long City.
Ha Long City.
Ha Long City.

You chose the platform.
You said,
"I know where it is!"

There's one platform, James.
There's one line.

There was a line either side
of the platform, like there
often is on a platform.

HAMMOND: A quick look at a map
showed us the scale of my
colleagues' cock up.

-There is Ha Long.
-Yeah.

There is Hanoi.

HAMMOND: Well,
we're miles away!

We'll have to go along there.
It's a day's ride.

Well, everyone,
welcome to Hanoi.

"Oh no, I'll get the tickets.
I know what I'm doing.

"I understand public
transport."

"No, no, trust me. I promise
you it's this platform."

CLARKSON: To make matters
worse, the traffic
was more mental than ever.

I'm utterly, utterly
marmalated here.
I've never been more in peril.

CLARKSON: But we were
ahead of schedule,
so we went for breakfast.

These are chicken innards.

Well, actually it doesn't say
innards, it says "Chicken..."

-"Internals."
-"Internals."

-Mmm.
-We've ordered pickled
pig's ear

with vegetables dipped in
seasoning sauce, spelt wrong.

Hammond didn't fancy
any of that and nor did he
go for the main course.

Speak of the devil.
The sparrows have arrived.

Oh, look at that.

-Wafer-thin sparrow?
-No, I'm fine.

-Go on!
A wafer-thin sparrow.
-No, I'm fine.

CLARKSON: But after seven
days, he had to eat
something.

Good news.

Richard Hammond
is eating rice.

It's Rice Krispies, but...

-Is it rice?
-Yes.

-Am I eating it
with chopsticks?
-Yes.

Then I am native
and local as you.

MAY: After breakfast, we set
out for Ha Long City.

That's part of
a shot-down B-52,
which landed there

and they never bothered
to move it.

MAY: And soon we realised it
wasn't just Hanoi's traffic
that was confusing.

CLARKSON: I have no idea where
we are and no idea...

Not one sign post.

I'm pretty sure we've been
past this park once already.

Eventually though, we found
our way out of the city,

and into the countryside.

Ha Long and Hanoi
are two big cities.

I doubt they're connected by
a three-foot wide dusty path

covered in hay.

You know when we got
to the 16th century,
I think we turned left.

We should've gone right.
Now we're in the 13th century.

(DOG BARKS AGGRESSIVELY)

-Well, we are completely lost.
-Yeah, are we finally
admitting that? Yes.

CLARKSON: Even I will admit
this is not
the main road from...

HAMMOND: No.
Anywhere to anywhere.
CLARKSON: Hanoi to Ha Long.

(GREETS IN VIETNAMESE)

Where is Ha Long City?

-No, no.
-This isn't Ha Long City,
is it? No.

I like being lost here.

Yeah, this is a nice place
to be lost.

Hello, hello!

Hello! Oh, oh!

(CHILDREN GIGGLING)

Yep.

(ALL LAUGHING)

CLARKSON: Eventually,
though...

We've found a road.

It really did look like we
were going to make it.

I've always said
to my children,

that if they buy a bike
I will burn it,

and if they replace it
with another one,
I shall burn that, too.

Now, however,
if they buy a bike,

I will completely
understand

and then I'll burn it.

With just 50 miles to go,
Hammond went berserk.

(YELLING)

The speed!

He's just a prat.

And happily he paid the price.

Oh, no! No, no, no!
I'm breaking down.

(STAR-SPANGLED BANNER PLAYING)

Bruce beckoned, but
having come this far,

I wasn't going to give in.

-Plenty of fuel.
-It's not that.

HAMMOND: Happily,
Jeremy ploughed on.

Now I'm motoring!

Oh, yeah!

HAMMOND: And without his
hammer-fisted approach
to pretty much everything,

we'd have the bike mended
in a jiffy.

(ENGINE REVS)

Whoa, I'm in gear!
I'm grabbing... Ah!

I got... I just put my face
in your crotch!

So you simultaneously
head-butted me
in the gentleman's region

-and snapped the prow
off the galleon.
-(HAMMOND LAUGHING)

You complete numpty, Hammond.

I am now boldly going where no
American has been before!

(BRAKES SQUEAL)

Ah!

HAMMOND: Unaware that we had
a man down,

we were even still buying
each other
silly presents.

Oh!

So there we are.
It's my first bike crash, so
I'm a member of the club now.

Don't like it.
Hate biking.

It's a stupid idea.

So the sitrep is
my foot hurts quite badly,

'cause the bike landed on it.

Got cracked ribs probably,
my elbow's ruined,

but look at my suit!

Luckily, the Vespa was
undamaged, which meant I could
catch the others

and thank them for suggesting
bikes in the first place.

You short-arsed
little Birmingham faddy,

stupid...

"I've never been abroad
and I don't like it and I'm
with my piano-playing,

"idiotic friend!"

Come on, cheer up!
We're nearly there!

CLARKSON: Actually, the faddy
Brummie was right.

It was no time for squabbling.

What a journey!

700 miles on my bike.

250 miles on a train,

and about 50 miles on my face.

If we've done it...
If we've nursed these old,
broken, tiny wee bikes

the length of Vietnam...

MAY: Ten miles to go!

Ha Long City! There it is!

(HONKING HORNS)

Yeah!
Yeah!

We're in Ha Long City!

My little Minsk!
You little buffalo, you!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

We've gone from the South
to the North of Vietnam.

We've proved to the Americans
it's possible!

We did it!

-Fantastic.
-I cannot believe all
three bikes...

-(METAL CLATTERS)
-Oh!
Oh, dear.

-Congratulations.
-Congratulations.

-Wounded?
-Congratulations, yes!

-Yes, I am a bit.
-Well done, mate.

That's it.
I became a biker.

Oh, I'm being left in the
field of battle, but I can
still have a few beers...

-What?
-That'll just be to say
congratulations.

-It'll just... Open it.
"Well done!"
-It won't say that.

-"You've reached
the finish line."
-You think it'll say that?

Well, it is. It's gonna say,
"Well done."

-It doesn't.
-What does it say?

-It says,
"You haven't finished."
-Oh, come on!

No, well, that's...

But we have finished.

It says, "The actual finishing
point is

"Bar Hang Bar in Ha Long Bay.

"As it's only accessible
by water,

"it's probably a good idea
to modify your bikes
so they can float."

-No, but look
on the bright side.
-No.

-No.
-What? No, think.

If it's possible here to get
a helmet made overnight,

it must be possible to get
your bike converted into

a jet ski overnight as well.
It has to be.

I'm sure they do
it all the time.

-How hard can it be?
-Don't say that!

CLARKSON: So it was time
to find a workshop
and cue the music.

The wheels will be there
and there.

# Da da-da da,
Da da-da da #

The engine needs to
be the other way.

CLARKSON: The next morning, we
stood on the beach and looked
out over Ha Long Bay,

which was quite simply
Vietnam's biggest surprise.

It is a spectacular limestone
maze, and hidden in there
somewhere was our bar.

All we had to do was find it,
and luckily we had just
the machines for the job.

James had attached his bike
to a traditional fishing boat,

using the engine to power
the propeller.

You've just completely
disassembled your motorcycle.

It isn't a motorbike
any more, is it?

Front wheels, gone.
Engine isn't where
it's supposed to live.

MAY: There's nothing in the
rules that said

the engine had
to stay in the same place.

-That's...
-Is magnificent! I know.

I've gone with the Minsk
principles of simplicity,
you see.

I have a rudder,
steerable from the bars.

Cables, and then it's just
a chain drive down to prop
and I'm away.

And that's just the standard
pedalo, sort of...

Yeah, this is just a pedalo
with a few extra floats on it.

CLARKSON: I'd been even more
ingenious, turning my Vespa

into a Mississippi-style
paddle steamer.

Now, as it turned out,
my simple plan was
very difficult

'cause the Vespa weighs
940,000 tonnes.

So I've needed four canoes
full of foam.

The main problem though
is that with cracked ribs,

I couldn't operate
the kick-start.

Could you start my engine
for me, 'cause neither
of my legs are working?

As you're injured,
I'll reduce the price.

900,000 dong.

CLARKSON: It was time
for the off.

(ENGINE GROWLS)

(RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES
PLAYING)

It's working!

I have propulsion!

Hey, hey!

But then in true Top Gear
amphibious tradition,

it all went wrong for James.

First, he crashed into me.

-Go away!
-I'm trying.

Why are you doing this to me?

It's that way,
you blithering idiot!

Then he crashed into
some netting.

Oh, bloody hell!

CLARKSON: And then as Hammond
and I got going...

Yeah! Once you've got it
going, it's like,
water-skiing. Woo-hoo!

...he sank.

No! No! Cock.

Why's it done that?

CLARKSON: As his boat
was towed back to shore,

Richard and I thought about
going back to help.

But we didn't.

HAMMOND: I did not expect
anything like this.

It's magnificent!

James meanwhile on the beach,
in what can only be described

as a crashed airliner.
A scene from Lost.

What I've done is I've had
Hammond's spare pontoons

from the workshop
just over there. I've employed
these local blokes

to use the best traditional,

Vietnamese boat-building
knot technology
to lash it all together

gives me more buoyancy, stops
the stern falling into the
water, stops it filling up,

pontoon float, float,
floats away

and off I go, but I've got
a lot of catching up to do.

CLARKSON: Out in the bay,
there were problems, too.

My Vespa had stalled
and I needed Hammond's legs
to kick it back into life.

-Okay.
-Ah!

-Ahh. Right.
-I'll get on my wasp.

Ah!

(ENGINE STUTTERS)

(BLEEP)

That was truly ridiculous.

All we've got to do
is get back to yours.

Oh!
Arse-y hell!

-We're going well so far.
-Yeah, it's going very well.

MAY: Half an hour later,
my new, improved boat
was ready.

So I set off in pursuit
of the others,

and the illusive bar.

Come on!

CLARKSON: 1,969 islands
in here.

-Bar Hang?
-Hello. Bar Hang?

-Bar Hang?
-I think
he thinks we're idiots.

Come on!

Yes!

Where'd they go?

HAMMOND: We'd got desperate,

and had even resorted
to looking in caves.

HAMMOND: You know when
Attenborough travels the world

and goes to incredible
natural sights like this?

He doesn't usually pitch up
on a homemade

-amphibious scooter.
-No.

In a cloud of
two-stroke smoke.

No, and that's where
he's been going wrong.

# It's not a big motorcycle

# Just a groovy little
motorbike

# It's more fun than a barrel
of monkeys,
that two-wheel bike #

Okay, if you've just tuned
in to Britain's favourite
car show,

what's happened is,

-Richard and I have driven
into a cave...
-(HAMMOND LAUGHING)

...looking for a bar that
isn't here and we have
no reverse gear.

Still, could be worse.

God, that was going so well.
My traditional Vietnamese
fishing knots

have come undone,

and my centuries-old
fibreglass outrigger
has drifted away.

This is gonna work.

HAMMOND: After a 1,000-point
turn, Jeremy and I
were out of the cave!

I wasn't worried,
I wasn't scared.

And with only a few hours
of daylight left,

we really couldn't afford
any more problems.

Ah!

Water has got into
the electrical system,

and the 60,000 volts
is coursing through
everything that's metal,

including the frame
on the boat,
the frame of the bike...

CLARKSON: Our bike-skis were
in a bad way.

MAY: Come on!

CLARKSON: But then...

Life! There's life!

It's a bar!

It's an umbrella! It's a bar!

Yes!

The little speck over there
is Hammond, I'm sure of it!

Hammond!

Hammond!

It's there!

HAMMOND: Sadly, there wasn't
much I could do
with this information...

(BLEEP)
(BLEEP)

(BLEEP) ...piece of...
(BLEEP)

Because my steering
was broken.

All I can do is go in circles.

And so it seemed the non-biker
would get there first.

CLARKSON: Come on!

Yes!

And that is how we do that.

The question now was
would all of us make it

before the eight-day deadline
expired at sundown?

(BLEEP)

Wah! I can't do anything
'cause I haven't got reverse.

CLARKSON: Eventually,
blind luck brought
Hammond close to the pontoon

where I was sadly too busy
to help him moor.

Just that bit of rope there,
look! That black rope
is long enough.

Swim.

No.

Come on.

Come on.

Another foot.

CLARKSON: Put your back
into it!

HAMMOND: With the swan lined
up, I gave the engine a burst.

(ENGINE REVS)

Ah! A-ha!

-Damn it.
-Ha, ha, ha!

(CLARKSON LAUGHS)

Yes!

Ha, ha, ha!

Using nothing but currents
and the wind,

Richard Hammond's
idiotic Minsk
appears to have made it.

Have a beer.

Now there were two of us
to savour this amazing
location.

I've just been finding out
about this place.

The people who live here
are born here.

They live here, they fish here
and they die here.

-They never go on dry land?
-They never go on dry land.

-They spend their whole lives
floating?
-Yeah, they float around.

CLARKSON: Floating, though
was becoming an issue
for our colleague,

who'd just lost his
second pontoon.

(CLARKSON LAUGHS)

HAMMOND: It's fallen apart.

Oh, come on!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Yeah, we left Saigon,
"One thing
I can absolutely guarantee

"is that my bike
will have made it!"

(BOTH LAUGHING)

HAMMOND: It's been quite
a journey and
that's the way it ends.

-There's James May ending it.
-Completing it.

I don't believe it!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

HAMMOND: This is the worst
arrival at a place, ever made
by anyone, James.

CLARKSON: The fact is though,
it was an arrival.

Our little bikes had made it.

Oh, sure, there'd been
breakdowns,
accidents and squabbles,

but through the rain,
the draining humidity,

the mad traffic
and the tricky roads,

they'd brought us 1,000 miles.

Nearly.

I have to say though
that despite the success,
I'm still not sold on biking.

There are good moments,
but it's mostly bad.

And I'm sorry,
but our machines
were completely overshadowed

by this incredible, beautiful,
brilliant country.

It's hard to sum it up,
really.

Perhaps that's why people
when they get back
from this place,

always say the same thing.

"Vietnam...

(IN AMERICAN ACCENT)
"You don't know, man!

"You weren't there!"