All language subtitles for The.Marvelous.Mrs.Maisel.S05E02.1080p.WEB.H264-CAKES

Amongst the many
overnight success stories

in show business lore,

Midge Maisel's stands out
from the rest.

Her journey
from the Gaslight Café

in New York's Greenwich Village
to worldwide fame and notoriety

is the stuff of legend.

Often press-shy,

she agreed to sit down with me
and talk about her life.

Hey, you look a little nervous.
Are you?

Well, there's that body
in my trunk.

I've been meaning to dump it,
but the day got away from me.

It's been quite a ride.

Grammy winner, Emmy winner,

the French Order
of the Arts and Letters.

Does the phrase
"living legend" apply?

Geez, Mike, I'm not dead yet.

Wait, am I?
Call an ambulance.

Where'd this passion to perform
come from?

What drives Midge Maisel?

I just love what I do.

I love talking to people,
present company excepted,

I'm kidding.

I like money,
I'm not ashamed of that.

And boy, oh, boy,
do I love the sound of laughs.

And what she does is
make people laugh.

At age 30,

18 consecutive sold-out nights
at the Copacabana.

Numerous tours in the U.S.,
Canada,

and parts of Europe
all sell out in minutes.

There's the requisite
celebrity friendships.

Her shows with Bob Hope

and their many trips to Vietnam

were a favorite of the troops.

Midge, you look wonderful.

I love that gown.
Is that a Schiaparelli?

Oh, I'm sorry, Bob, but I've
forgotten where I bought it.

You mind if I look at the label?

What does it say?

"Off limits."

That's negotiable.

As her audience grew older,

her inclination to
shock grew bolder,

culminating in the now infamous

1971 show at Carnegie Hall.

How does a lady like that

have the to
show up looking like that?

Is anyone aware of the
First Amendment?

Still applies.

What could have been
a career-ending night of infamy

turned out to be...

As so many things do
in Midge Maisel's life...

The beginning of a
brand-new chapter,

with a brand-new
audience of young fans

through her audacious
college campus tours.

On top of all that, she
raised two children,

a son, Ethan, and a
daughter, Dr. Esther Maisel.

What was it like having
Midge Maisel as your mother?

It was an incredible childhood,
filled with laughter and warmth.

She's a wonderful mother.

The other kids
must've been jealous.

Oddly, yes.

And then there were the men.

Men. Men and Midge Maisel.

So many men.

You sound like my accountant.

Four marriages, plus several,
or should I say multiple,

other relationships.

- What gives?
- I don't know.

Lucky in life, unlucky in love.

I thought I'd marry
once. Joke's on me.

And then
there's the relationship

that lasted longer than
all the others combined.

You were client number
one of the powerful

entertainment manager
Susie Myerson, is that right?

That's right.

You know her current
client list: Liza Minnelli,

George Carlin, Barbra Streisand.

Just about everybody
in Hollywood.

Everybody except you.

A 25-year friendship gone bust.

- What happened?
- What happened, Mike,

is that two people
in show business

tried to have a friendship.

Shall I read what she recently
said about you in Variety?

Don't bother, I've already
had it tattooed on my.

And then there were her clothes.

And you're putting all
these up for auction?

Every last button and bow.

In a way, these are my friends.

My first night at the
Gaslight. Yup, the story is true.

My B. Altman switchboard
dress. Those were fun times.

Oh, a classic.

What I wore the night of the
great tarmac dump of 1960.

Night five of my first Copa run.

What I wore to Woodstock...

I didn't perform,
but I sure got muddy.

Guest hosting Johnny Carson,
my cameo in Mad, Mad World.

Oh, and this.

The outfit I wore on my first
day as a writer for Gordon Ford.

My sitting outfit.

I put a lot of
thought into this one.

And where do the proceeds go?

The Weissman/Maisel
Children's Foundation,

for childhood education,
health, hunger, housing.

Children are my best teachers.

Through them, I've learned
to love, to laugh, to listen.

So everything I do,
I do for the children.

Hit the lights, ladies.

And so comedy superstar
Midge Maisel soldiers on,

through success and
adversity, doing everything,

in her words,
"For the children."

Eat, damn
it, you little bastard!

Miriam!

He has to eat to survive.

- Not hungry!
- Deaf ears!

- Your fault.
- What is?

- The kids.
- We didn't force you to have kids.

No, but you created
the environment:

the dolls, the books
about being a mommy,

the-the quarter-scale toy
kitchen you rigged up for me

with the gas broiler
and the little fridge

that plugged into
a working socket.

I was very proud of that
until you were electrocuted.

And now I'm gonna need
some extra babysitting help.

This new job is
five days a week.

Miriam, tell us again how
you're gonna be a writer

on The Gordon Ford Show.

I don't understand.

There's nothing more to tell.

He offered me a job
writing on the show,

and I said yes.

So, he just walks
around the city

asking strangers if they want
to be writers on his show?

He sounds unstable.

No, I'm sure he has
people who normally do that,

but this time it came
directly from him.

But what's there to even write?

Doesn't he just make
it all up on the spot?

His whole opening
monologue is written for him.

Oh, I thought he was
just naturally funny.

This is shattering my illusions.

Sorry, I should have
broken it to you more gently.

- And you're sure it was him?
- Am I...

Because I read about this woman,

she was walking
down Sixth Avenue,

and who does she bump
into but Winston Churchill.

He tells her he needs
to get back to England

because his daughter's
sick, but he lost his wallet.

That's the worst.

So, she gives him
everything she had, $40.

Well, later on, the
same man is caught

walking around Union Square
with his pants at his ankles,

yelling at seagulls.

So it wasn't Winston Churchill?

That's my point.

Maybe it wasn't Gordon
Ford who hired you.

It was Gordon Ford, okay?

I got hired by Gordon Ford,

his pants were up,
and I accepted the job.

Now let's discuss the kids.

Oh, I'm happy to do
all I can, Miss Miriam.

I hope you know that.

It's become a great joy in
my life, watching the kids.

And when I can't
watch them, well...

I can.

I love picking Ethan
up after school,

and Esther loves to come along.

She rides on my shoulders

and tells me, "Giddyap, Janusz!"

And that's when I giddyap
and go like the wind.

I'm happy to stay
and play with them

whenever you need
me, even at night.

They're fantastic.

My life was hard: the
war, the bombings.

So much suffering.

But, uh, spending
time with your children...

They make me think about
having my own children.

For the first time in my life.

Well, thank you.

Both of you. I
really appreciate it.

- Who is that?
- Don't you know?

He always has a
screwdriver with him.

I thought he was a handyman.

I didn't hire a handyman.

He seems very
familiar with the children.

And Zelda.

He's been here off
and on for weeks,

and none of us know who he is?

Whoever he is,
sounds like he's free.

Do not leave the salt out!

Since when do
we not leave the salt out?

The salt is always out!

I put it away always,
so the rats don't get in it.

It's not sugar, it's salt...

You stopped her on the street!

She stopped
me! She's a yenta!

She walks up and down the
street waiting to stop and schmooze!

Moishe Maisel, I have never said

an unkind word
about you to anyone!

Tell me when I did!

Just last year at Disneyland!

That jab about my tuchus!

What I said
to Donald Duck that day

is between me and Donald...

Buddy, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

How'd you know it was me?

I've been dreading the call
ever since I left you there.

- How do you feel?
- Like a tank hit me.

You went on a bender
last night, epic in scale.

- Give me the headlines.
- You walked in smashed.

- You were hitting on girls right in front of their dates.
- And one of them beat me up?

No, then you went onstage
and insulted the band.

And the band beat me up?

No. Then you did
a little stand-up,

and when I turned my
back, you disappeared.

How you got back up
those stairs, I don't know,

but you were bleeding buckets.

I took you to the
emergency room.

They patched you
up and released you,

but you couldn't
go home, not alone.

Your ribs are cracked,
you've got stitches.

So... I brought you there.

- Please forgive me.
- You're forgiven.

I talked to Grumpy
and Sneezy that day, too!

Oh, so you turned
all the Disney characters

- against me, very nice!
- Actually, you may not be forgiven just yet.

Jury's out.

Anything I can do?

Nah. I got an idea.

I'll talk to you later.

In your dreams!

You think Cinderella
wasn't looking me up and down?

Oh, yes, she was!

Hello! We're here!

Who's
here? Who is here?

Somebody's here!

Hi, Grandma. Hi, Grandpa.

- Were we expecting you?
- It's the kids.

When I asked how they
wanted to spend their Sunday,

they said with Grandma
and Grandpa Maisel.

How sweet.

Come give Grandpa a big
hug there, kids. Come on.

No, Grandma first.
Come to Grandma.

- I had dibs. No, come on, come on, bubele.
- Come on, come on.

Zaydee's waiting.
Grandpa has feelings, too.

No, you're gonna hurt
my feelings and break my heart.

And his knees are
hurting quite badly.

- My knees are hurting, too.
- You don't want to damage Grandpa's knees.

- Do you? I've got candy.
- My back's not so good either.

- Grandpa's knees are fine.
- And football injuries.

- And my heart can break, too...
- You don't want to break my heart.

- It's weak already.
- Oh, look, there he is.

Our little patient.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Don't be scared,
he's gonna be fine.

Your father was hit
by a very small car,

but already he's so much
better. Look, he's walking.

And did you grow?

- These aren't my pajamas.
- Okay.

I'm fine, guys. Really.

It looks worse than it is.

Hey, why don't you two
go into the living room

- and dig out your toys?
- I'll come with. Let's go, kids.

- Yeah, I'll be right in.
- I didn't want to come here today.

- Go get your toys...
- Ma, where are my clothes?

At the dry cleaner's. They
were all dirty and bloody.

They'll be back in
six, eight hours tops.

But what are these?
They're not Ethan's.

They're not my old ones.

I keep a supply of
little boy pajamas

on hand at all times,
like everyone else.

No one else does that.

Hey, Shirley, better
get into the living room

- before the kids run out of hugs.
- Oh, yeah.

Kids, Grandma's coming.
Save me some hugs.

It's a long story.

Love to hear it. Come on.

Don't pull so hard.

Midge, you're
pulling the stitches.

Well?

I got into a scuffle.

That's your long story?
That wasn't even a haiku.

It was at the club.

You got into a fight at the
club? Where was Archie?

- I talked to Mei.
- Mei? Mei did not do this.

Joel? What about Mei?

There is no Mei, okay?

No Mei?

You broke up? But
what about the baby?

There's no Mei
and there's no baby.

There. You happy?

No baby? I...

No baby.

She's moving. Moved.

She's already in Chicago.

- It's over.
- I'm sorry.

- No.
- Sorry.

I was afraid something
like this would happen.

- Like what?
- I...

- She wasn't ready.
- How do you know?

I just had a feeling after
we talked at the hospital.

- At the hospital?
- When we discussed the kids and how it would work...

- You mean with Pop?
- She just didn't seem to be on the same page as you.

- Are you kidding me?
- No.

And you didn't think to
maybe give me a heads-up

that my whole fucking life was
about to come crashing down?

It was just a feeling
I had, an intuition.

You never should have
spoken to her in the first place.

- Joel...
- This is what could've pushed her over the edge.

Made her do what she did.

- Hey, that's not fair. She chose.
- With your help!

I'm gonna wait till you
get better to smack you

because now won't be fun.

I did nothing to push Mei away.

I've got eight hours
till my clothes are back.

I'm gonna go lie down.

- I could swing by your place and...
- I'm good.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Okay, so, I thought
I'd picked out

the perfect first day
outfit for Gordon Ford.

I mean, I spent
hours thinking about it,

sorting through multiple
color combinations,

but around 5:00 this
morning, something struck me.

Was it a blunt object?

- What?
- Go on.

This isn't a standing job.

It's a sitting job.

Huh. Explain.

B. Altman, I stood
at the counter.

That was a standing job.

Doing stand-up comedy,
that's a standing job.

I know how to dress
for that, but this,

working at Gordon
Ford, this is a sitting job,

predominantly, so the
skirt can't be straight.

I mean, it can be
straight if there's a slit in it,

but not a side slit, no.

If I shift in my
seat, even a little,

they'll get an eyeful.

A back slit is okay, like a...

like a tasteful vent extension,

but again, that's more
for ease of walking.

So that brings us back
to flare. It needs to flare.

And it needs to flare in a
way that will accommodate

a variety of different
sitting positions.

Interesting. Really interesting.

- And that's why you called?
- Yep.

So, to review, you called me
at four-fucking-fifty-fucking-six

in the morning,
after hours of thought

and excessive consideration
about color combinations,

because you suddenly realized

that this job would
involve sitting?

- Yeah.
- But before that,

you thought that
the job was to stand

in front of Gordon Ford
for eight straight hours

and pitch jokes? That
is just fucking dumb.

I don't know what the job is.

New rule, for you

and the entire demented
moronic fucking Weissman clan,

no one, and I mean no one, is
allowed to ring my goddamn phone

before 10:30 in the
morning for any reason.

Here's a fresh cup, Miss Susie.

Unless It's Zelda.

'Cause I know if Zelda calls me,

she will make up for it
with something delicious.

- Thank you, Miss Susie.
- Mm-hmm.

Psst.

I have some
major household dish for you.

Is it dumb? Because
really, if it's dumb,

I am throwing you out
that goddamn window.

Zelda has a boyfriend.

A new one? What
happened to Janusz?

No, it is Janusz. How do
you know about Janusz?

She's been with him
for, like, four months.

I run into them on the
nights they hit the Village.

He's an excellent dancer.

How are you just
finding out about this?

- He just changed the hardware in the bathroom.
- That was him?

You didn't notice a guy
who looks like Mr. Clean

who's got a boner for Zelda
hanging out in your apartment?

Guess I'm not as
observant as I should be.

And you're an
observational comic.

I mean, really, there's
something missing in you.

Oh, shoot. Drinks after work.

Not only do I need an
outfit for sitting at work,

but it has to be appropriate
for drinks with the gang.

Okay. This is not
a cocktail party.

It's a job. Here.

This...

with this and this.

- And this.
- Wow. That's great.

And you can sit in
it and everything?

I want to be sure
that you can sit in it.

- It's got enough flare?
- It's perfect.

- Going back to bed.
- Thank you, Susie.

Fuck you, Midge.

- No!
- Who is she talking to?

Sorry, I'm-I'm talking to him.

Subway weirdo.

Midge!

I said no. I don't
want to talk to you.

Please wait. I... I never
got a chance to explain.

Tell it to your
espresso machine.

Oh, Midge, come on.

Excuse me, excuse
me. Bad man behind me.

I have no phone number
for you, no address.

- I had no way to contact you.
- Good.

I didn't want you to contact me.

Chanel? Really nice.

I went to the park
every morning for weeks.

You never showed.

That's because I never
went back to the park.

I brought flowers
every day to apologize.

I hope you brought
'em home to the wife.

It's a shame to waste flowers.

- Ah, that is nice.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Two minutes.
That's all I ask. Look.

Two minutes!

Okay, that was fun and all,
but I just need to tell you...

Unbelievable.

Excuse me. Coming through.

- Make a hole, damn it.
- Rude!

Me?

You're the ones lined
up like the offensive line

of the Princeton Tigers.

- Hey!
- Oh, my God.

I'd never done that, I swear.

Done what? Stalked a
woman on the subway?

Brought a woman
back to my place.

- You mean you and your wife's place.
- It's not what you think.

I'm sorry, but we
talked and talked,

and you never said
you were married.

- I'm not!
- So who was that, your sister?

Was your sister unhappy you
were sleeping with another woman?

- 'Cause that's a problem, too.
- You know, I'd really rather

that all of New York
not hear about this.

You're the one who started it.

Why are you going uptown now?

You were going downtown.

This is downtown.

Damn it.

Damn it. Midge? You here?

- Midge?
- Excuse me. Is there a problem?

I'm sorry, I was just
looking for a friend of mine.

Officer, that's the man who
assaulted me on the staircase.

- Assaulted you? When?
- I didn't assault anyone.

He cursed at us and
called us offensive.

- What the heck?
- They were blocking the staircase.

- Two minutes.
- Jesus H. Christ.

Then you never have to
see me again, I promise.

Tell him it's okay.

It's okay.

I messed up really bad.

I put you in an awful situation.

Awful? It was more than awful.

It was every synonym
for awful, you choose.

I'll work on one tonight.

- So, that was my wife.
- And not your sister.

But we were separated
and living apart.

That was my place.
She got our old house.

So, why'd she
waltz in like that?

To drop off the dog,

which she's supposed
to do with prior notice.

- And now we're getting divorced.
- You and the dog?

The marriage was over
long before I met you.

Look, Midge, meeting
you, the talks we had,

it was a lifesaver for me.

But I'm not here to
get you to reconsider.

I just want to apologize.

- How is the dog?
- She took the dog.

- What?
- And changed his name.

That's rotten.

Did I ruin Riverside Park
for you? Tell me I didn't.

Just temporarily.
I'm back in it now.

Good, 'cause it's a great park.

It is.

Well, maybe we'll run into each
other there again, sometime.

Maybe.

Maybe's good.

I'll take maybe.

Bye, Midge.

Goodbye, Sylvio.

I'm rooting for you, son.

And you say Gordon hired you?

Gordon doesn't hire
people personally.

I know it's unusual, but
he came to my strip club,

uh, my club,

- where I perform.
- Oh, I get it.

No, you don't. I'm a
stand-up. A comedian.

So, you're here
to be on the show?

You have to be booked
to be on the show.

You can't just
walk in off the street

and ask to be
booked on the show.

I didn't just walk in
off the street. Oh, wait.

He knows me. Mike! Mike! Mike!

Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike! Mike!

Mike! Mike! Midge Maisel.

Let her in.

You and I haven't
officially met.

Look, Mike,

I know you and Susie
got off to a rocky start.

Rocky start.
You're... very funny.

But now I'm here, and don't
you think it would be best to...

Do you know it has no smell?

What? What doesn't?

My tree.

Because it's a
piece of shit tree

that I grabbed in
haste to get away

from your little troll of a
manager. My apartment has

no Christmassy smell

'cause the goddamn tree

is a piece of
shit, lifeless tree.

You are gonna learn to like me.

Boy, you two, peas in a pod.

It may take a month,
two months tops.

Hell, give me six months,

and you and I are
bowling and drinking beer.

Look, I got to go, but would
you deliver a message to Susie?

Sure.

I will pass it on.

You're late, by the way.

Those are the
writers? Is that...

Is that where I'm
supposed to go?

- That's the writers' room. Go.
- Thanks.

- Oop.
- You don't think he could direct

- a drama, Alvin?
- Mel was on Caesar with me.

I have no problem with Mel
Brooks. I like Mel Brooks.

Mel Brooks is funny.

- But?
- Here it comes.

- He likes air.
- Oh!

Oh, does he like air.

He comes in a room like a
Hoover, and he sucks it all up.

Ask Simon. Ask
Gelbart. Hell, ask Sid.

The green-eyed monster
doth mock the meat it feeds on.

Geez, Cess,
Shakespeare before noon?

My only request, dear Alvin,

please stop taking your
hatred for Mel Brooks

out on me just because
we share a name.

- I don't hate Mel Brooks.
- Me neither.

Hi.

Am I in the right place?

- No.
- Don't think so.

This is the writers'
room, right?

- Pretty much. - Who's asking?
- We're writers in a room.

Well, I'm your new writer.

Alvin?

George mentioned some
girl was starting with us.

He didn't say when.

Well, I'm some girl,

and today is the
day. Who's George?

- You'll know him when you see him.
- Mothballs.

- Boat shoes.
- I have boat shoes.

I wouldn't have minded being
consulted about a new hire,

but I'm just the head writer,
so what do I know? Milly?

- Midge.
- Midge?

Never trust people whose
names don't rhyme with anything.

Smidge. Bridge. Fridge.

Shit.

That's Ralph, Mel, Adam, Cecil,

- and I'm Alvin. Sit.
- Great.

Got my sitting outfit on.

- Your what?
- It's a flared skirt

for sitting instead of standing.

I mean, you can stand
in it, but it looks good

when you're sitting, too.

Got that versatility,
like pants.

So, Gordon's in a foul mood.

- Again?
- What in that man's charmed life is so terrible?

- He's given up smoking.
- Oh, Jesus.

- Oh, come on.
- Oh, for God's sake.

And he doesn't want anyone else

smoking in the office.

If he gets divorced, does
everyone else have to, too?

Can I finish
this one at least? No?

Guess cancer will have to wait.

First they
came for the cigarettes,

and I did not speak out.

So, let's get going here, boys.

- Give me a good mix, 20 in one.
- Uh...

What... Wait, where...

Um, Alvin, what's 20 in one?

Yeah?

Yeah, I know
Bernstein's tonight.

I read the memo.

No, I'm not gonna hand him a
bunch of dumb Maestro jokes.

Come on, Alex. Just give
him a goddamn cigarette.

Hi. Hey.

Any idea what 20 in one is?

Nope.

The Gordon Ford Show.

Yes, he's quit smoking.

Well, we're spreading
the word now,

we weren't keeping it from you.

Yes, we all have
to quit smoking.

Oh, hi, Midge.
Susie, it's Midge.

She sounds a little weird.

How's it going, champ?

Panic. I'm in a panic. Oh, boy.

- Take a deep breath.
- I'm hyperventilating.

Stick
your head between your legs.

Who is that? Dinah?

Or have a cigarette.

- What is wrong with you?
- Why didn't you tell me

about 20 in one?

I don't know. What is 20 in one?

The head writer just
sent us off to do 20 in one.

It's 20 jokes in one hour, and
that was eight minutes ago,

so I've got... I'm so freaked
out, I can't even do the math.

You've got 52 minutes
to write 20 jokes.

Quick math here, that's a
joke every 2.6 minutes. Ha.

- Finally using math.
- Not helping.

And I'm assuming they need
to be broadcast quality jokes.

Each one a winner.

Dinah, why are you on the phone?

I got her on to
listen and learn.

It's how all the
big agencies do it.

You're now down to a
joke every 2.5 minutes.

You're not supposed
to talk, Dinah.

I don't toss
jokes off like that.

They take time. I mold them,

massage them, and
now I'm just blanking,

and the clock is ticking.

Well, let's prime the pump
here, get the juices flowing.

How about this? Uh, Washington
Square Park isn't square,

it's a rectangle, so they
should change the name

to Washington Rectangle Park.

- Oh, that's cute.
- That's a terrible joke.

Yeah, well I'm not the
fucking joke writer. You are.

No, I'm not. I told you that.

Well, you've got the job,
so fake it till you make it.

I should check my notebook.
See if anything inspires me.

All that matters is that Gordon
Ford thinks you're funny.

How's it going with
him? You two bonding?

I haven't seen him. I
think he's in a different part

of the building. And was I
supposed to have an office?

Because I don't
seem to have an office.

I didn't think about that.

Barely even have a chair,

and I-I have no idea
where the ladies' room is,

and everyone seems
to be talking in code,

and Mike Carr wanted
me to pass this on to you.

I assume you're flipping me off.

Both fingers. I got to go.

Got to start thinking...
writing. Goodbye.

Gordon Ford Show.

I really loved him.

He's the one I miss.

How did your second husband die?

Well, it was the darndest thing.

It was winter, and he was
walking down the street

- when he slipped on ice.
- Oh, my God.

It gets worse. The
street was on a hill,

and he slid all the way
down where these men

- were running a wood chipper.
- Oh, my God.

It gets worse. Rose,
where are you going?

Oh, no. Oh, my God.

- What happened?
- A fire happened, lady.

Now, please, back away.

- But how?
- Could be electrical,

could be arson,
we don't know yet.

Arson...

This is too much.

This is too damn much.

What is, Rose?
What's too damn much?

My tearoom.

Mr. Carr, Florence on 2.

I think that
was just 59 minutes.

Shut up. All right,
Mel, you look smug

and self-satisfied.
Start us off.

"Last week marked the
Broadway debut of Camelot

and the off-Broadway
debut of Cam-A-Little."

Put it in the maybes.

- Adam?
- Uh...

"It's that time of year,

kids are writing
letters to Santa."

He doesn't like Santa jokes.

Can I finish?

"Isn't the faith of
a child amazing?

To believe that Santa Claus
will come down your chimney

with presents, even after
seeing him hungover at Macy's."

- He doesn't like Santa jokes.
- Shit.

- Ralphy?
- Skipping over my Santa jokes.

Uh, "So, you may have
heard that NASA is planning

to send a chimp into space.

They wanted to send a
chump, but Jerry Lewis

and my producer
George refused to go."

Run it by George,
see if it bothers him.

They need to cut to
a shot of him. Cecil?

I miss Nixon.

- And?
- Oh, that's it, that's all I got.

Astounding professionalism,
Cess. I'll get back to you.

New girl?

Oh, uh... that's me.

Only one with girl
parts in the room.

Don't make assumptions.

"There's an old saying,

if you ever need someone to..."

When someone hits the john,
we do this to cover the sound.

Got it.

- Where were we?
- The girl.

- That's me.
- Go ahead.

Okay. "So, there's
an old saying..."

Amanuensis!

- Amanuensis!
- Coming!

Type 'em up and
get 'em to Gordon.

- Got it.
- That's lunch.

Where you going?

- Chinese. - Pass.
- So, Alvin, none

of my jokes got into...

Right, sorry.

- Abe.
- Hello, Terrence.

Gesundheit.

Thank you. You should
probably be getting to your lunch.

Oh, dear, I lost
track of the time.

Gesundheit.

I'd go, but this damn cold.

Maury downstairs has
a really bad cold, too.

Anything specific you want
me to discuss with her, or...

It's just a "get to
know you" lunch.

She'll talk up some things
she wants to bring to New York,

bend your ear a little bit.
She liked your review, too.

Gesundheit.

- Thank you.
- Which one?

That comedy she
transferred from the West End.

A Pudding for Nigel.

Oh, that was wonderful.

I did pick at it a little bit.

And she made changes
based on your criticism.

Said they made it so much...

so much...

Let's go with "better."

Penelope is a true Brit.

Her father owns six newspapers,
her mother is a baroness,

they're very chummy
with the Royals.

- Wow.
- She'll tell you stories.

- Great stories. It'll be fun.
- I'll report back.

And the Voice pays for
lunch. We take no favors.

Got it.

I was going to say "better."

We figured.

Francie.

Double, triple,
quadruple-check this.

If they crap out again,
we find a new car service.

- How was your morning?
- Really?

Just trying to break the ice.
I gave Susie your message.

Well, there he is,
spectacularly late,

as always. Harassing the staff.

- Oh, he's in fine form.
- Who is that?

That is George Toledano,

venerated producer of
The Gordon Ford Show.

Oh. I've been hearing about him.
Would you mind introducing us?

I want him to die.

- So, I should introduce myself?
- A long,

painful death. I
want him to fall off

that stupid tiny
dinghy he calls a yacht,

but I don't want him to drown.

I want him to float

on a splintery
piece of driftwood.

That asinine,
condescending, supercilious...

George. How are you today?

Mikey, my boy. How's
it going, old sport?

Oh, you know, George,
same old, same old.

I don't believe I've met
this sight for sore eyes.

I'm a new writer,
sir. Midge Maisel.

I heard we had a lady
writer coming aboard.

Nice to meet you.
And call me George.

You can call me George, too.

Funny. I like that.

You must know Madelyn Pugh.

I don't think so.

Wrote for I Love
Lucy? Funny lady.

How about, uh, Nancy Clark?
Writes for The Ann Sothern Show.

Oh, she doesn't know
every lady writer, George.

- Nice to have you here.
- Thank you.

- Nice boat shoes.
- Ooh.

You certainly
beautify the place.

I can cancel those
new plants I ordered.

He gets kissy at parties,
so watch yourself.

- Thanks for the warning.
- Goddamn it.

Goddamn
writers handing me this crap.

Can we just toss
cigarettes at him?

- Lit?
- That's a fire hazard.

Back to the drawing
board, fellas.

Let's assemble.

They'll get us there, Gordy.

They always do.

- Unbelievable.
- Wow. - God.

So, what's the deal?

He wants them
shorter and not topical.

Now he tells us.

Wasted the whole morning.

Until the
bell, guys. 20 in one.

- I need coffee.
- Trudy, coffee run. -

Everything shut down during
the war. The arts were decimated.

Were you there the whole time?

I was in London
during the Blitz.

I saw the German Luftwaffe

flying through the air.

My grandmother's house
in Mayfair was bombed.

- My God.
- She lived,

but we thought the
world had ended.

Then, in '44, Larry
did Richard the Third.

- Larry?
- Olivier.

- Ah.
- I sat in the front row,

and, I don't know, my faith
in mankind was restored.

- I knew that we could beat Hitler.
- That's wonderful.

Then I slept with Larry.

That's better than
sleeping with Hitler.

I know it sounds silly, but that
helped restore my faith, too.

- Mm.
- Our île flottante,

- and it's on the house.
- Darling boy, thank you.

- L'addition, s'il vous plait?
- Right away.

Abraham, I'll
leave you with this,

Harold Pinter.

I'm bringing The Birthday
Party here in spring,

- and I want you to see it.
- I'd love to.

He's not for everybody,
but I think he's a mad genius,

and he's only 30,
such a young, virile age.

The Nobel is in his future.

- I'll be there.
- Music to my ears.

Oh, dear, it's so much
later than I thought.

Ah, this is on the Voice.

So kind.

I should bring my wife
here. She'd love this place.

She's such a Francophile.

- My husband is French.
- Ah.

They should meet. Now,
I'm so sorry, I have to dash.

More île flottante pour moi.

If I had known I'd be
dining with such a charming man,

I'd have scheduled
time to linger.

Next time I won't
make that mistake.

This...

this wallet

is so old.

I really need

change it out.

I'm trying to

remember how old it is.
Maybe seven, eight years.

You don't think to change
your wallet till you get one

as a gift, but if you
don't get one as a gift,

you never change your wallet.

- How are you liking it?
- Liking what?

The, uh, dessert?

Ah, it's... it's...

ve-ve-very-very
good, very fine. Here.

- Ah. Merci.
- Here.

You are silly.

At times, yes,
but at other times

I'm more... dramatic,

like Olivier, or not Olivier,
I'm nothing like Olivier.

I'm more like...

Buster Keaton,

just a big, old,

sad, floppy clown boy.

Sweet.

Till next time.

They've been gone a long
time. That's a good sign, right?

Not necessarily. Last Tuesday?

We almost didn't make it to air.

- Should I get my typewriter?
- Do not get your typewriter.

- What are we waiting for?
- The verdict from rehearsal.

Here they
come. Duck and cover.

- Ah, hell.
- Goddamn it, Teddy.

- I love you guys, too.
- What happened?

He's the cue card guy. Means
the monologue's not locked.

- Should I get my typewriter?
- Do not get your typewriter.

- What's left?
- Zip.

- He threw the entire thing out.
- Holy shit.

It's one hour to show.

Should've gotten my typewriter.

Definitely.

I know it's disappointing, gang,

but ours is not to reason why,

ours is but to write
new jokes or die.

Now, I've got to go say
hello to Angie Dickinson.

Poor me.

Okay, guys, lightning round.
Old, new, whatever you got.

Oh, shit.

- Trudy, hustle.
- I'm already in.

Gordon wants 'em topical.

You said before he
wanted 'em not topical.

Gordon is large, he
contains multitudes. Ralphy?

Uh, topical, topical...

Uh, "Emily Post died,
so now no one knows

the proper etiquette to
send their condolences."

Not
bad. Get it down. Cess?

Uh, "I went to the premiere
of a French film the other day.

It's called Le
Hau-hau-hau-hau-hauuu."

"Translates
roughly into English as

Le Hau-hau-hau-hau-hauuu."

Not bad. We should follow
it up with something. Mel?

"Ben-Hur, if he's a him,
what's with the Hur?"

- Pass. Adam?
- Uh, "Some sad news,

Clark Gable passed away.
He's survived by his wife,

his children and his mustache."

He loved Gable.
Put it in. Who else?

Uh, well, I worked on some
new stuff during rehearsal.

- You what?
- Jesus.

- I worked on some new stuff.
- She jinxed it.

- You jinxed it.
- Jinxed what?

We never work on new
stuff during rehearsal,

- ever.
- What? Why?

It guarantees that Gordon's
gonna throw everything out.

I'm sorry, Gordon somehow
knew I was sitting in a bathroom

stall jotting down jokes?

That's why he threw out
the script? Is he omniscient?

If anyone is...

Let the girl pitch.
Go on, Midge.

Thank you, Alvin.

"The Unsinkable Molly Brown

is a new show on Broadway.

I heard that the
ushers are seating

women and children first."

She was on the Titanic.

He nixed a Molly
Brown joke last week.

- Mine.
- Got another?

Yeah, um...

"There's gonna be a baby in
the White House, little JFK Jr.

It'll be a clean transition.

White House staff
already learned

how to change diapers
with Eisenhower."

"A" for effort. Cess?

- Oh, now wait a minute.
- Yeah?

I'm sorry, but that
last one was funny.

- No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was.

- No one laughed.
- I think the audience would,

and it's topical,
he wants topical.

A joke is not funny

just because you say it's funny.

No, it's not funny
because I say it's funny.

It's funny because it's funny.

- And you know funny?
- Yeah, I know funny.

Great. Alvin, put
my Ben-Hur joke in

because I know funny,
and I think it's funny.

- Mel...
- Your Ben-Hur joke was not funny.

- Oh, really?
- Or topical or fresh.

Wasn't even funny when I heard
Jack Paar do it two weeks ago.

- Oh!
- Alvin.

We have no time for
this. Sorry. Cess, go.

Okay, uh...

"There's a commercial
for dishwashing soap.

- Any of you see it?"
- I bet she did.

Hi, yes, he's
expecting your call.

Abe, how was your meeting?

Cover your goddamn
mouth, Terrence.

- That was harsh.
- Gabe, Gabe.

- Abe, you okay?
- I've got a question,

and be honest because

I don't know all the intricacies

of New York theater customs...

Okay.

Is this sexual?

So many thoughts

running through my
mind right now, Abe.

- You're wondering why I'm asking.
- Very much.

At my lunch with Penelope,

it was all going so smoothly.

We talked about theater
and criticism and the war.

Then she did this with her hand,

- and it felt...
- Sexual?

- Yes.
- That's because it is.

I knew it.

So, it was a sexualized gesture.

One of the oldest.

You can remove your hand now.

I don't get it.

I don't get it. It was lunch.

So?

Nothing sexual happens
before 7:00 in the evening,

6:30 at the earliest.

Never at 1:42 in the
afternoon on a Monday.

I am learning a lot
about you today.

I've been racking my
brain, trying to think if I said

something that gave
her the wrong impression.

Was I too kind to A
Pudding for Nigel?

Is that all it takes?

That, and a hearty Bordeaux.

How did you know we had wine?

Because you smell like wine.

Oh, my God, we had wine.

You know, she's never
made a pass at me. Terrence,

has Penelope ever
made a pass at you?

Uh-uh. She knows
I'm a homosexual.

- What? Since when?
- Since birth, probably.

- But you're married.
- Oh, I left my wife years ago.

I live with Maury now.

From accounting? With the cold.

Terrence, we need to talk more.

Gabe, what do I tell my wife?

- Your wife?
- Yes, my wife.

Nothing.

- Abe, nothing happened.
- Nothing happened,

but something happened.

But nothing happened.

She'll know. She'll sense it.

Abe, do not tell
her about Penelope.

About you and me just
now, yes, but not her,

and I promise never to put
you in that position again.

You are too tempting.

Gabe.

- It's all in the past.
- Maybe.

It's in the past.
Say it with me.

It's in the past.

Good.

- Wasn't Maury married?
- He lived with his sister.

That was his sister? I
am so out of the loop.

He's on the move!

- He's on the move.
- He's on the move.

- He's on the move.
- - Where's Adam?

- Yeah, where is Adam?
- It's showtime.

I was saying hi to my parents.

What are you, 14?

Keep the aisles clear.

And if you do have to
leave, please do so quietly.

Emergency exit doors are
on both sides in the back.

Other than that,
make a lot of noise

when it comes to showing
Gordon you are happy to be here.

- Do we have a monologue?
- No idea.

You sound like
a great audience, guys. Feel free

to laugh at anything
you find funny,

and applaud when
we light the sign.

Whoa. Whoa.

We didn't even light the sign.

You're already disobeying orders.

We got a great show
tonight. See you in a minute.

Okay, so let's do Clark Gable,
Emily Post, the NASA joke,

the automat joke that
we dropped on Friday...

Put that next to last... and did
the Dennis the Red Menace thing

- make it past the censors?
- They didn't flag it.

We're basically saying
the kid's a communist.

They didn't flag it.

Put it in. And
I'll throw in a riff

about the hat on the lady in the
second row. She wore that thing

- to be noticed.
- You got it, boss.

- Teddy?
- I thrive on this.

Good man.

The cavalry comes through again.

Wow.

Right down to the wire.

He keeps us on our toes.

Places, everyone.

Places, everyone.

Sorry about before.

I checked with a friend,
Paar did do that joke. Fuck me.

Hey, Teddy, you posing
for the Kama Sutra?

Up yours, Mel.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's The Gordon Ford Show!

Angie Dickinson,

Steve Lawrence, and
novelist Ray Bradbury.

Now here's your host,

Gordon Ford!

Thanks, everyone.
Thanks for coming out.

It's getting festive here
in New York, isn't it?

With all the twinkling lights

and window displays
and chestnuts

roasting over an
open trash can fire.

He doesn't
like us in his eyeline.

It's a generous time of year.

- My mom looks so old.
- A guy picked the wallet

right out of my pocket, gave
it back to me gift-wrapped.

I mean it, it had a ribbon
on it and everything.

George, you've had
your pocket picked.

Did you ever get that original
copy of the Magna Carta back?

I told you not to carry
that thing around like that.

More fool me.

Of course, you've all
heard the sad news,

- the great Clark Gable has passed away.
- Aw...

He's survived
by his wife, his children,

and his mustache.

Now, ma'am, is that a
hat, or is your hair on fire?

'Cause we can
help you. We have firemen

standing right outside.
They can rush right in here,

hose you down real
quick, free of charge.

How's Chaim? How's my baby boy?

Oh, he's just the greatest

little man on the planet.

You should have
seen the other day,

he was playing
with a basketball,

but he's so tiny,

he rolled right
over the top of it

and did a complete somersault.

I wish I'd seen that.

The ball landed on top of
him. He never let go of it.

It was too cute.

Noah, listen, I'm
calling with a question,

then I'll let you go.

- Sure.
- Could you order a quick raid on an enemy?

- Pardon?
- I know the CIA

is very busy. I wouldn't
ask if it wasn't important.

Mom, what? I'm an analyst.
I've told you a million times.

I wouldn't need
to know the details.

I respect your privacy.

What enemy? What
are you talking about?

It's this, uh, shall we say,
"coterie" I'm dealing with.

I'm talking something fast,
unexpected, but severe.

A very fast, hard attack.

Well, short answer,
Ma, I cannot order a raid.

Well, can I speak to someone
in the raid department, then?

You could just
give me the number.

We don't have a raid department.

Ma, who the hell is this
"coterie" you want to raid?

Just some women.

They meet occasionally
in Coney Island,

and I just thought, if I
knew they were there

at a specific time, you could
firebomb it or something.

Ma, I'm at work.

Perfect, can you
ask a colleague?

They sometimes
monitor these calls, Ma.

We cannot talk about this.

Oh. Well, should
I call back later?

We could use a code word.

- How about "flower girl"?
- No!

Well, then should we
meet in the park at dusk?

I read about spies doing that.

I really can't continue
this conversation.

Oh, your father's home.

Abe, would you like
to say hi to Noah?

Hi.

Pop, what the hell
is going on with...

- Abe?
- Hi.

Are you all right?

Oh, I'm fine. Thank you.

How was your day? Did you

make some good
matches at the tearoom?

Oh, yes. Yes, I, um,

went to the tearoom.

How was the tea?

It was very nice.

Corinne and I went there,

and it was exactly
as it always is.

- Very nice.
- That's nice.

Mm. Did you have a nice day?

Just a... typical, nice Monday.

Yeah, ate dessert at my desk,

typed some, the usual.

What did you have for dessert?

Did I say dessert? Lunch.

I ate lunch.

You want to go out to dinner?

Rose, that's awful.

I wasn't gonna tell you because
I didn't want to worry you.

But it was just so upsetting,

watching the
place burn like that.

And the smell, oolong and ash.

You know you can
always tell me anything.

The tearoom was my office.
I met all my clients there.

I don't know what I'm
gonna do without it.

The whole place smelled
like a... wedding cake.

Abe. What is this?

A fondly intentioned

sexualized gesture.

Oh.

Well, it is past 7:00.

Am I supposed to do
something in return?

I think it's optional.

Okay.

- I told you there'd be drinks.
- But it's okay

because your outfit
was made for sitting,

and you sit in a bar, right?

The flare can accommodate that?

You know, I'm tired
of people mocking me

for thinking about how a dress
works in different situations.

So, Toots Shor's is
their hangout, huh?

They come here
because Gordon doesn't.

He got into some
fight with Toots

and won't set foot in the place.

- They call it their sanctuary.
- I got to start working

that place. It's a good place.

Susie...

- the job is weird.
- How so?

They don't think I'm funny.

Well, they don't have to,

so long as Gordon
thinks you're funny.

The day felt like a week,

and we have to do it
all over again tomorrow

and then the next
day and the next.

Well, you better not fucking
call me about tomorrow's outfit.

I won't.

Now go mingle.
Make some friends.

Be confident. You
love an audience.

Think of those guys
as your audience.

- Use 'em.
- I'll try.

- Bye.
- Bye.

rushes ahead of
me at the front of the line,

buys the same can
of tuna every day,

89 cents.

She's counting out pennies.

"One,
two, I lost my place, one, two..."

I'm going nuts.

Sure?

Harvard did teach
me manners, after all.

Along with very useful Greek
and how to hit a shuttlecock.

There's not a bomb
underneath it, is there?

Are you kidding me? Are
you fucking kidding me?

He made peace with Toots?

Not to my knowledge.

I personally heard
him call Toots

a fat fuck not two weeks ago.

They almost came
to blows that time.

They had to be separated.

- What changed?
- Hey, all.

- Good show tonight.
- Hey.

Tough journey,
but we got it there.

That's what Alvin's wife
said on their wedding night.

Actually, she did.

- - Wow.
- So, Gordon,

- you like the automat joke?
- Mm, it wasn't my favorite.

- Good, it was Adam's.
- There's the guy.

It got a laugh.
Means it's funny.

I'll tell you what's funny.
Mike got me an advanced copy

of "The 2,000 Year Old
Man," that Mel Brooks thing.

- Oh.
- Hilarious.

Really, really funny.

One of the funniest...

I never said Mel
Brooks wasn't funny.

But that bit would be
nothing without Carl Reiner.

Right, 'cause without Carl, it
would be Mel awkwardly waiting

half a minute in silence and
then reciting the punch line.

Yeah, that would stink.

I give up.

Hey.

Hi.

How are these guys treating you?

Terrific.

She lied.

They're a very good
group of writers,

and I am thrilled to
be here. Learning a lot.

Pleasure's ours.

They give you any
problems, you come to me.

Okay.

All right, fellas, I'm
gonna grab a drink.

- Next round's on me.
- Thanks.

- You're too kind. - Thanks, boss.
- That's nice of you, boss.

What changed? That changed.

What?

Everything was the same today,

except for the X factor.

We just solved for "X."

"X"? I'm not "X."

- Look at that.
- Good to see you back, Gordie.

- Ah, you're looking good, Toots.
- I always look good.

I'm gonna miss this place.

We can go back
to that Irish pub.

I can't sit through that tin
whistle leprechaun music

anymore, I'll go crazy.

You can come back here.

There's that place on 59th.

I swear you can come back here.

What about PJ Clarke's?

They measure their pours.

I'm not "X."

So, I started this new job,

and it's... not fun.

Not that every job is
supposed to be fun. I mean,

when a nurse is
inserting a catheter,

she's not standing
there thinking,

"This looked so much
more fun in the brochure."

And it's all men. Mm-hmm.

So, I'm sitting in this
room with a bunch of men,

and none of them are being nice

or showing me the ropes,

and so far none of them
seem to want to sleep with me.

It's the least they could do.

Who raised these
men, not wolves?

Hey, did you hear there's gonna
be a baby in the White House?

Little JFK Jr.

It'll be a clean transition.

White House staff
already learned how

to change diapers
with Eisenhower.

I knew that was funny.