Original subtitles

Hello and welcome

to the 11 th Top Gear Special, which for once

is actually being transmitted quite close to the birthday of baby Jesus.

Unless you're watching a repeat.

Yes, James. Unless you're watching the repeat.

Well, it's quite confusing...

Anyway, 2014 marked the 60th anniversary of the cheap to make,

maximum-bangs-for-your-bucks small-block V8.

And the producers thought it would be a good idea

for us to celebrate the moment.

Yes, especially since, as a lot of people are saying,

owing to environmentalism,

the need for greater fuel economy,

the V8 could soon be a thing of the past.

Quite, so the producers told us

to buy three old V8-powered cars

and report with them to a hotel near the town of Bariloche

here in Argentina.

This was the meeting point, in the middle

of what's billed as Argentina's Lake District.

And I was the first to arrive in a magnificent Porsche 928 GT.

That is quite a view and this is quite a car.

I have always loved 928s, 'cause they were just so futuristic.

I mean, this car is 23 years old

and it looks like it was designed yesterday.

And it was the last good-looking car that Porsche ever made.

And, although it's a V8, it's quiet and dignified and elegant.

If this were a person, it would go to embassy

cocktail parties and know many things.

Traditional V8s would

push you in the swimming pool

and then fart and think it was funny.

Traditional V8s, well, like this, for example,

they're brash and they're loud and they're childish.

What have you done, Hammond?

There it is, not just a V8,

the definitive V8.

- Is it? - Ford Mustang, the Mach One.

Look at it.

It's a bit...

- It's brilliant. - Unnecessary.

No, it's not. That's the whole point of it.

It's stripped down. Everything on it is functional, purpose...

- Is it? - Yes.

This rear spoiler, what does it do?

Nothing.

Does the front splitter do anything?

- No. - Racing fuel filler cap?

No, it's just a cover.

Is the engine 19 feet long?

No, no, it's not.

Why then has it got a 19-foot bonnet?

Well, because they decided they wanted to make the Mustang bigger in '71,

so they did and they did that by

just making it bigger.

- This is alljust pointless? - No, it's bigger.

And that is the ram air, and that's a Edelbrock carb underneath it,

the plenum there, it works.

I mean, if I were nine,

it would be tremendous, but I'm not.

I mean, it's alljust preposterous.

It's brilliant is what it is!

It's the essence of V8ness.

Shall we just turn our attention now

to the elephant that isn't in the room.

- Uh, yeah. - Captain Lost.

- What do you think... - I don't know...

I've been thinking, I don't know.

Had to be a V8, so I thought it'll be a Mercedes.

He'll have gone, like he did in Botswana, solid.

Er, I thought, I reckon he's gone for Range Rover.

In fact, we couldn't have been more wrong.

No way! That is not him!

Not serious!

He's gone completely mad!

- I bet he thinks he's Bond. - He does think he's Bond.

Don't say anything about his suit.

- No. - Hi.

- Gentlemen. The Lotus Esprit. - Isn't it?

Twin turbo V8.

Have you been on a Top GearSpecial before?

- I've seen you on them. - Yes.

You have, I've seen you there.

- Yes, I have, I have. - He definitely has.

- James, they're tough. - Yeah.

Some viewers don't know this

but Lotus does not have a good reputation for quality.

Some say that this stands for,

"Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious."

It has a hand-built V8 engine with two turbo chargers

designed by a specialist small British car-making company.

And that is a byword for reliability

and motoring pleasure.

- We know that. - It's just not, and you know that.

Can we just run through some of the detailing on it?

- Carry on. - The door handles on this model

- are from a Vauxhall Cavalier. - Correct.

Door mirrors are from a Citroen.

Don't touch it.

The gearbox in this is from a Renault 25.

Correct.

Because that was the best gearbox they could find?

- Or the only one that would fit? - It was the only one that would fit.

And of course, the body is made from exactly

the same material as a lavatory seat.

Or a bucket.

Anyway, have you finished being envious of my car?

If I can move on, the Porsche 928.

- Yes. - Fascinating.

Hammond!

Wowzers! I do like that,

in a slightly Richard Hammondy sort of way.

Is that a Mach One?

It certainly is.

- Yeah, yeah. - Look at that.

- Tell me that isn't magnificent... - ...ly boring.

- It isn't. - I'm glad it's grey, though.

- Why? - Well, because it's very business-like.

You can advise me on my mortgage later on.

I am, as always, the voice of reason and wisdom on this programme.

We couldhave bickered forever but at this point

our challenge arrived.

"You will now drive 130 miles to the house where Butch Cassidy lived

"when he was on the run from the law."

130 miles?

- Hang on, that's it? - That's somewhere interesting.

I thought there was going to be another,

you know, there's usually the other paragraph.

- "...to where Butch Cassidy lived." - I love Butch Cassidy.

My favourite film in the entire world is Butch Cassidy.

And all I've got to do is drive a Porsche 928

130 miles to get there on roads.

So I say hear it this way, all he's got to do is

drive a Lotus Esprit 130 miles.

I can see now where they're going with this.

Oh, yeah, yeah. They've tailored it for you.

Amazedat the apparent easiness of our challenge,

we fired up the V8s...

...and plunged into the magnificence of Argentina's heartland.

The roads are lovely. Proper roads, paved, very pretty.

I think the producers have lost it.

I'd turn over if I were you. I wouldn't watch this.

Three comfortable middle-aged men driving lovely cars.

That's not... That's not really very good television.

So the situation report, I have 128 miles to go

but everything's working. Er, the road is very nice.

Uh... Phew! We're going to have to spin this out a bit.

To dojust that, we decided to talk about our cars.

This particular Mustang

came along at a really critical time for the V8,

because this was 1971.

In 1972, America started introducing all sorts of restrictions

because of emissions and fuel, and they strangled them.

So many people regard '71 as the last proper year of the full-on,

full-bore, full raw V8.

Hammond and Clarkson are absolutely right, the Lotus is a risk.

Of course the Porsche will work, it was made by Porsche.

They're more German than normal Germans

when it comes to doing things properly. They're brilliant at it.

But it's a bit safe, it's a bit grey,

it's a bit business-like.

The Mustang will work, because it's just a piece of

American clog iron. It's low stress.

Designed to run all day.

This.

Yes, this came from Norfolk and this was built by blokes.

Of course it's fragile but that's what makes it interesting.

And it's the best-looking and it's the fastest

and it's the reddest.

I know Hammond and May think my 928 Porsche is a bit dull

but for one very good reason, it isn't dull to me.

You see, back in 1994, I was living in London,

I got a call one evening from my mum

to say that my dad was desperately ill in a hospital in Sheffield

and I needed to get there as quickly as possible.

And I'd just taken a chicken out of the oven and I thought,

"Well, I'll take that for my mum, 'cause she won't have eaten",

ran outside and I had a 928 on test that week.

And when I arrived in Sheffield, the chicken was still warm

and my dad was still alive.

In fact he died half an hour later.

And the truth is, if I hadn't been driving a car

which could sit quite happily at 170 miles an hour,

I wouldn't have had the opportunity to say goodbye to my dad.

So as far as I'm concerned the 928 is all right.

Soon we arrived at a rather Germanic-looking town.

This town that we're in now is called Bariloche

and there really is no nice way of putting this,

it became a haven for Nazi war criminals.

Between 1946, a critical date, and 1952,

twelve thousand Germans came to live in this neck of the woods.

The man who founded the Hitler Youth,

he started the ski club in the town.

Adolf Eichmann lived here. Josef Mengele took his driving test here.

Failed, apparently.

Yes, it's a sombre topic. But fortunately

Hammond's enlivened it with his La Cucaracha horn.

Once out of Berlineroche, the roads opened up

and Hammond could discover the joys of his muscle car

at full chat.

Big speed now and I'll be honest, it is quite alarming,

this steering is...

There's a lot of play and er, it's kind of vague. Yeah.

Meanwhile, James and I had become

entangled in a bit of a dogfight.

Target locked.

I've got him.

Die!

Sod it!

I've caught him napping.

You have sown the wind and you shall reap the whirlwind.

Here we go, here we go, here we go.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Yes. Take that.

Look, he's just roaring off!

I've got a five-litre engine here.

James only has three and a half.

Mind you, with two turbos.

No sign of Hammond, strangely, with his massive 5.8-litre V8.

Oh-ho! Oh!

Those two are clearly enjoying a bit of a joust.

Jeremy's Porsche's got passive rear-wheel steering.

They've both got proper suspension.

I haven't got any of those things on my Mustang

so I'm going to stay out of it

and do a lot of steering just to go in a straight line.

There was another problem with the Mustang,

it was extremely thirsty.

And soon, Hammond needed to stop for fuel.

As May and I waited in the coffee shop...

Made Lotus famous, like steering feel,

- performance... - Hmm.

Hammond filled up.

But from where we were sitting,

it didn't look like he was doing that at all.

- ...not metal. - Sorry to interrupt,

but I think Hammond really loves that Mustang.

What is he doing?

With the muscle car fed, it looked like we were going to complete

our simple 130-mile challenge.

Yeah.

But then...

What's... Ooh!

That is smoking. He's smoking.

Hammond, you're smoking, you're smoking badly.

Oh,

I'm stopping. I'm stopping. I've lost steering.

Oh!

One and a half miles from Butch...

One and a half miles.

Butch Cassidy's house.

Just talk me through it.

Power steering,

- thrown all its oil out, fluid. Mmm-hmm.

- That's what was making the smoke... - I'm not interested.

One and a half miles!

Yeah, that's the dipstick for the fluid.

And it's completely empty. It's all come out.

There it is!

Oh, my God! I'm going to stay here,

where Butch lived.

I know that film off by heart. I know all the lines.

- Would you like to hear some? - No.

The film said it was Bolivia and he did actually die in Bolivia

but they found him here and he ran and got away with it again.

Right.

I don't care that it's not luxurious.

I've got my own pillow

and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

He probably built that door.

Over an early evening drink,

Jeremy was still going on about his favourite topic.

Don't you watch it every week?

- No. - I do.

Battle of Britain'stopfive

but Butch Cassidy's number one,

Local Hero number two.

What about Where Eagles Dare, though?

- No, not top five. - No?

Not as good as Battle ofBritain.

It's not as good as, but nothing's as good as Battle of Britain.

And then neither of them are as good as Butch Cassidy and the Sun...

Oh, look who's here.

No! No, no!

Don't, uh...

Norman Wisdom, ladies and gentlemen, has arrived.

But now he's stuck, you know.

Oh, it's run over him, everybody, I'm sorry.

Oh,

Yeah, all... The producers say they'll count that as if you've made it.

Yeah, you're in the same field.

- Well done, mate. - Yeah.

Look where you are, Butch Cassidy's actual house.

That is it, genuinely for real?

Yeah.

Do you live in something like that in Wales?

- Pretty much, yeah. - Wait a minute.

What? What?

What? We've done it. We're here.

Come on. I'm nearly here, look.

- Wait a minute. - Well...

They've crossed out the one they gave us this morning

and written another one in felt tip.

"You haven't finished yet. More news in the morning."

- We haven't finished? - More news?

They've obviously realised that they haven't filled two hours.

Your soft...

white...

flesh.

Mine, all mine!

Basically, I am Paul Newman,

same colour eyes, middle aged.

I like being this.

What are you doing?

It's a scene from Butch Cassidy.

Yeah, I know that bit but that's not a bicycle,

he's really not Katharine Ross and I'm a rubbish shot.

I'm just having... We're at Butch Cassidy's house!

Oh, this is it.

Thank you.

- This is the challenge. Go on.

"You will now drive to Ushuaia in Tierra del Fuego.

"It's the southernmost city in the world,

"the gateway to Antarctica

"and the last outpost of civilisation in the southern hemisphere.

"It was also the port from which the Belgrano,

"the battleship sailed on its fateful voyage

"at the start of the Falklands War.

"As a result, anti-British feelings run high there.

"So you will use your diplomatic skills to build bridges."

- We don't have any diplomatic skills. - No.

No, but we're good at building bridges. We can do that.

No, it's a figure of speech.

It doesn't literally mean build a bridge.

Yeah. Absolutely not. It says,

"When you arrive in Ushuaia,

"you must build a football stadium

"and host a game of car football

"against a team from Argentina."

Really?

So we're using ours cars in car football?

Mine's a bit big.

Against a team, right...

In Tierra del Fuego?

- How far is it? - How far is it?

1,600 miles.

One thousand six hundred miles?

In a Lotus?

On the way to the tip of South America,

our brittle, ageing, complicated cars would face deserts,

blizzards,

snowdrifts, mud,

swamps.

Gruelling mountain tracks and jagged coastlines.

It would be an epicjourney.

But before it could begin,

Hammond had to mend his Mustang's power steering,

which meant I had time to kill.

- Is he still doing it? - Mmm-hmm.

- Okay. - It won't have it.

Actually, I do remember this bit in the film,

because Paul Newman rides around on the bicycle,

- doesn't he? - Yeah.

And then Katharine Ross does a little playful "ha-ha-ha!" giggle

and throws some straw in his face.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Is that right? Yeah.

Ow!

After we'd dealt with Jeremy and bodged the power steering,

we headed south.

Is the Lotus Esprit V8 a good choice

for a 1,600-mile drive through Patagonia?

In all honesty, no.

But, and the question I'm asking myself, viewers,

is will Hammond's Mustang make it?

And I can't really explain this but when I stand near an old car,

I get a feeling when I know it's a good one,

and I'm not getting that feeling with Hammond's Mustang.

It feels like it's hanging on.

Oh, no! My seat belt's fallen apart again.

To reach our destination, we decided to head into Chile

and pick up the important-sounding "road to the south".

This meant crossing the Andes, and as that sounded complicated,

I put myself in charge.

Well, it strikes me that if we've got to cross the Andes,

we should do that here rather than further south,

because there'll be less snow here.

Right, that's a better idea, is it?

It's a brilliant idea so we shall...

We'll cross them up here.

At first, my plan went well.

This road is simply

mesmerizing.

We even found a way to amuse ourselves during the Mustang's endless fuel stops.

Look at his face.

After we set off we discovered why we kept having to stop.

- Hammond! - What?

Just put your foot down hard.

Yeah, I think I know why your fuel consumption's quite poor.

Map of the Falkland Islands with "Argentina's forever."

That is a straight face I'm pulling right now, straight.

I will not spark fury on this trip.

This is the new me, the smart me, the clever me.

Soon, the road I'd chosen got a bit worse.

Ooh, oh, oh.

God! Oi, Clarkson,

are you telling me that if you drive from Argentina to Chile

this is the main road? Cos I don't believe it.

Yes, it is.

Just goes to show, doesn't it, really,

about how brilliant cars are, because...

And then the road disappeared altogether.

Oh, Lord.

Which wasn't ideal in cars like these.

James, we're the idiots,

we listened to him with a suggestion for a route.

Relax, we're nearly there now.

Ow. Ow.

Oh! Bad noises!

I don't know what's best, keep going on Clarkson's stupid route,

turn around and go back and find another one.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, dear.

Oh, bloody hell. Cocking Nora!

How can you not like this road?

- Go away. - It's brilliant.

And then, inevitably...

Oh! Oh, I've lost steering.

Having rescued James...

We decided to leave Hammond,

and though we were soon out the woods,

we weren't out of the woods.

Oh, my...

Come on, don't let me down now, little Porsche.

Here, the Lotus was way out of its comfort zone.

Ah!

But, amazingly, it made it.

I am absolutely staggered that Lotus is still working.

Absolutely, properly staggered.

Well, yeah, I'd love to be able to say that was great fun.

Shortly afterwards, James and I arrived at the Chilean border.

I knew my route across the Andes would be good, and it is.

And having bodged the bodge on his steering,

Hammond, too, was on the move.

But other gremlins were starting to appear.

Oh, my God. I've lost third gear.

So, as he caught 40 winks at the border post,

May and I decided to cheer him up.

Don't pull any more backing off yet.

What? Why have you put that on my car?

In Chile, Hammond was not impressed with our efforts.

How's your Peugeot, Hammond?

Shut up.

I've basically put Peugeot stickers on it

to try and make it more reliable.

Sadly though, that didn't work.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

I hate to say this, I've lost power steering again.

Leaving Hammond once more,

James and I decided to enjoy a road

that could have been purpose built

for our finely tuned European thoroughbreds.

Oh, wow! The feel through the steering here.

Into the corner, feel the front,

shoving its shoulder into the job.

We forget these days how good cars used to be.

Not at safety, not at fuel economy, not at emissions,

just joy, just handling.

I'm absolutely confident I am now having a better time

because I'm in the car designed for this sort of thing.

It's mid-engined.

And of course, if you have a mid-engine car, it looks cool.

Oh,

Jesus wept!

Yes.

What I was just demonstrating there was

the other side of the mid-engined argument,

which is, when it does go it, it goes a bit more quickly.

He'll now be sitting up to here in his own excrement.

Despite this, though, we pressed on,

savouring the whole point of our being here, our engines.

Listen to that, the grumble of an offbeat V8.

I'll knock it down to second so you can hear the proper roar.

Listen to that.

In the next town, we pulled over for a nerdy chat

about what makes a V8 so special.

It is a charismatic engine.

That's why we like V8s, it's cos they are imperfect.

Yes, very.

Unlike a straight six engine,

where you've got six cylinders in line.

In one of those, when one piston is going down

another one's coming up, so it sort of balances itself

- and makes it smooth. - Yes.

A V8 is inherently unbalanced, because when one piston's going down,

there isn't necessarily another one going up to balance it.

Exactly, and they're not going in the same direction, are they? Cos...

Yeah, exactly, so they are, sort of, doing that.

So that's what makes a V8 wobbly.

It is, it's inherently wobbly.

- And charismatic. - Yes.

But the V8 in your car isn't the same, is it?

Because, and I never thought I would use these words on Top Gear,

it has a flat plane crank.

- Very good! - Exactly.

In yours, the engine cylinders they go...

So you get two firing on the same side. Mine just goes...

So, yours is like Charlie Watts,

and the other V8, mine, is more Keith Moon.

- There's a bit more going on. - Yes.

And that's what makes the difference. That's why traditional V8s,

i.e., the American style V8, which is sort of what yours is,

they burble, but mine snarls.

Our colleague then turned up having bodged the bodge of his bodge.

- Fixed? - Yeah.

Right, let's go! Come on.

- Coffee good? - Yeah, it was lovely.

- It was delicious. - Good.

Jeremy Clarkson, James May.

Yes, what's wrong?

Uh, I wasjust thinking of re-mortgaging my house

and wondering if I should go for a fixed rate

or a flexible policy, what do you think?

As you well know, businessmen do not drive

cars of this nature.

How was the turnip harvest last year?

It's all very well being rude about the people of Norfolk,

but so far they seem to have built the best car.

It hasn't gone wrong, it goes off road

and it saved me when I made a cock-up.

We continued on Jeremy's idiotic route until we reached this.

Oh, my God!

Is this for cars?

Well, get out and have a jump on it, James, and go to see if it is.

Okay, that will tell us everything we need to know, hang on.

Oh, my God! No, James that is...

- Oh, hang on a minute! - Oh, it's wobbly!

I mean, look!

- It's rubbish. - That is not...

It's a footbridge.

We either admit defeat and end the programme here.

Well, I'm for ending. Goodbye.

And on that bombshell...

Come on!

Since James was on point, he went first.

Here we go.

- Oh, God it's sagging! - Oh, it does wobble.

It moves! Oh! Oh!

Not looking, not looking, not looking, not looking.

God, that's really disconcerting!

How am I doing? How am I doing?

Right, here we go.

Speed!

Yes!

Speed has solved the problem.

What the hell?

- It's a dead end. - I know.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

Cos I wanted to see you come across the bridge.

I know what you're thinking.

Shall we? Right, come on Hammond!

My car's the heaviest. Enough said.

No seatbelt, don't want to be stuck in it, if it falls off.

Oh!

I don't like it. I don't like it.

It feels like I'm running away from a disaster.

- I did it, I did it, I did it. - Got some bad news.

- What? - It's a dead end.

We, we tried to tell you, but we just couldn't get the message across.

We drove back across the knit-one-purl-one bridge

then found ourselves in the rainy season

on what appeared to be the set ofJurassic Park.

Petrified forests, mysterious lakes,

this is all very odd.

If I go round the next corner and there's a brontosaurus,

I will not be surprised.

I'm not sure this is the road to the south.

When do we just accept this is not working,

this is not right, this is not the way.

Soon the track led us into a primordial swamp.

Oh, for crying out loud!

It's a 928 Porsche, for heaven's sake!

Oh, that felt bad.

If you're Chilean, perhaps you'd like to write in and say,

"No, you went the wrong way."

No, that's it, I'm stuck,

and I'm going to die here, a lonely, hideous death.

Oh, no!

Jeremy and I were now completely beached.

However...

This car is incredible.

It is truly incredible.

If I showed you a picture of this and said,

"What's that good for?",

you'd say, "Oh, wouldn't want to take that into the supermarket car park,

"they've got speed humps."

Here comes Norfolkto the rescue.

Come on, Jeremy.

Yes!

Come on, Porsche. Yes, you good, good car.

Desperate for the astonishing Lotus not to hog all the glory,

I decided the Porsche would get the Mustang moving.

International Rescue is coming to Hammond's aid.

- Right, are you ready? - Yes, I am.

I'm going to start pushing in three, two, one, go.

We're both stuck now.

Look at it! It's just driving around.

Having a spot of bother?

It's proud American ass is stuck on a rock.

- Its lardy arse. - Yes.

It's a bit heavy for this sort of work.

Well, you're right, it is... Oh!

What?

What the hell is that?

- What is it, a 2cv pick-up? - What is it?

- Looks like half a 2VC. - It's a 2cv at the front,

then what is it?

I saw that car in Bariloche.

- You can't have done. - One like it.

It can't possibly be the same one.

Finally, Hammond and I managed to get free.

Yes!

And then...

There it is, there's the road to the south.

Look.

That is what we have been looking for,

and we've found it.

There was a river between us and it, but there was also a bridge.

We're now just 50 metres from the road to the south.

Cocking Nora!

What's the matter, you idiot?

It's not finished.

Ah.

- Why would you build part of a bridge? - Why have they built...

It's... It's nine-tenths.

Look at that.

Ready, steady, heave.

No, it's really heavy.

- Right. - Yeah.

Why don't we just get the film crew to help?

There's 100s of them.

Guys, can we have...

A short while later, the three of us had got the bridge finished.

That is a proud moment, um, Hammond, but...

- Is it straight? - Yes.

Yes.

Gentlemen, I'm about to go over the edge,

is there anything you want to say to me?

Can I have your Ferrari?

Oh, here he goes.

Come on.

He's done it.

He's faced the peril and won.

In fact, we all did.

Oh! There it is!

Andat last, we were on the Road to the South.

The next morning, we set off in good spirits,

overjoyed that the going was smooth.

Tarmac.

Oh, the relief.

Sadly, though, afterjust half a mile...

Oh, God Almighty!

Bad news, Hammond.

Ow!

Ow, ow, ow! Ow!

This immediately caused

the ever-troublesome Mustang to have a puncture.

James, do you want to wait for him or...

Well, do you know, under the circumstances,

I think it would be fair to...

No, I don't.

See you, mate.

May and I drove on with the now familiar Chilean weather

our constant companion.

We are in the Manchester of South America,

but without the annoying accent.

I'll go for a walk. Oh, no, it's raining.

Let's go and play tennis. Oh, it's raining.

Round of golf? Oh, no, it's raining.

I'm going to do some gardening. Oh, no, it's raining.

And then in the next town, which was on the coast,

I discovered the water doesn't always come from the sky.

This sign here, the tsunami hazard zone.

So they know this to be an area susceptible to tsunamis.

Right.

Playground.

Why would you do that?

You could have put it over that side, it's...

It's a couple of feet higher but that makes a difference, doesn't it?

- Isn't it extraordinary? - It's madness.

It is madness.

Eventually our colleague arrived.

How are you two? Everything all right?

Yeah, we were just enjoying the location of this school playground on your right.

Yeah, I'm intrigued by the fire station to our left.

That's... Imagine being a fireman here.

Quick, get to the fire! Oh, don't worry, the rain's put it out.

Maybe it's literally a fire station,

they come and start a fire for you.

Get out.

The town also had Wi-Fi,

which meant I could download some official advice

about driving on the local roads.

"If your vehicle has rear wheel drive..."

Now, this is important this applies to us, okay?

"Recover lost control while doing speed recesses."

Oh, I have been.

"Avoid bite the shoulder,

"and if so, do not leaflet to quickly return to the asphalt.

"This manoeuvre usually ends up in dumps."

Idecided to try some of this leafleting,

and it was good fun.

Whoo-hoo!

I've got a loose backend on my 928.

And even though it was loose, there were no dumps.

Oh-ho-ho!

In the Mustang, however...

Oh, no!

The noise was so bad,

Hammond couldn't hear a word of what we were saying on the radio.

Hammond! You whiten your teeth and your hair's stupid.

What?

Hammond, I've heard you're hung like a church mouse.

What?

Sadly, our amusing game was halted

when we spotted something that wasn't funny at all.

It is that 2cv again,

following our tracks.

I couldn't do that, could you do that?

How can they do that? Who are those guys?

Stop doing Butch Cassidy things, please. Not now.

- I know who it is. - Who is it?

It's the producers.

That's their idea of a comedy backup car.

I hate the 2cv, I absolutely loathe it.

I got a job on original Top Gear

as a result of a screen-test I did on the 2cv,

when all I did was rant and rave for 20 minutes,

about how awful it was, and I could have gone on for a fortnight.

I don't want to get in that.

Well, it's funny you should say that, Hammond.

Shut up.

As we headed further south, the weather got even worse

and the road became a nightmare.

Very sobering, that 2cv.

Oh, my God.

20 miles an hour.

Predictably, though, my car was soaking up the punishment.

And amazingly, so wasHMS Norfolk.

Look at that Lotus, it's been through a swamp,

it's been through a wood, and it's still working.

Quite a lot of me is rooting for that little red super car.

It's just incredible. I mean, who knew it was the world's best off-road car?

Who knew that it's built to a higher standard than a Lexus?

In the Mustang, though, it was business as usual.

Now my clutch is starting to slip.

I've lost another gear.

This is insane, it's stupid.

Jeremy, on this route of yours,

how much further is it, how much more of this?

Uh, stand by, caller.

1,170 miles.

One thousand one hundred?

And 70, yeah.

That's not possible, for crying out loud!

I'm not hearing a lot of what you're saying, Hammond.

The cars absolutely can't take the punishment.

Mine certainly can't. Therefore...

Unlike Hammond, I was loving Chile.

It had stopped raining for a moment,

the scenery was wonderful, and best of all...

Oh, my God! Look at the size of that thing, seriously, look at it.

I swear to God, I've wanted to see a condor since I was about three.

That is the biggest flying bird in the world, isn't it,

I think I'm right in saying? And there's another one.

Well, there we are, the sun's out,

I've seen a condor, all is well in my world.

Sadly, I had to leave the big, beautiful bird,

because at the hotel, Hammond was waiting to shout at me.

- Half the interior trim dropped off. - Has it?

The carburettor's all clogged up,

it doesn't fuel properly any more.

And the fuel... The, the gear linkage is completely clogged up

- with bits of gravel and stone... - Mmm-hmm.

And mud and rain, and you can't get half the gears.

And the reason for all of these things?

- Made in America in 1970? - What?

It's your route, it's your route,

this road... It's killing the car!

Hammond then broke out a map and boldly claimed

he'd found a radical new way of getting to our destination.

- We go back to Argentina. - Why?

Think about it, when we were...

We've been to Argentina, the roads were fine.

We made good progress.

Then we can all three get there.

Great. That's an achievement.

We've got to at least try to do it.

In fact, no, we've got to do that.

Back to...

Here's... I don't do this very often, but I'm going to take charge.

Let's go back to Argentina, pick up the good road.

We've been to Argentina, the roads were good.

We'll find a way across the Andes that we can survive,

and then we can head south, all of us together.

We stand a chance of arriving as a team.

Well, don't come crying to me if it goes wrong.

The next day we were up at the crack of dawn.

And boy, was it worth it.

This is truly special this morning.

This is one of the greatest advantages of getting old,

you get up early, and when you get up early,

you see the world like this.

Commander Hammond, however, was too busy to notice

Chile's misty-eyed goodbye.

Er...

Right. That's Chile.

I decided that to get to the better roads of Argentina

we should head back over the Andes immediately,

which didn't go down very well with my colleagues.

Hammond, you utter, utter...

Whoa! Christ! Hammond! It's sheet ice here.

If you possessed even an ounce of finesse

You wouldn't be slithering about like an idiot.

I might be doing it slightly on purpose.

Business car, eh?

Oh, it's just a crazy car, it goes mental.

Yeah, it's just really silly.

Sliding about on the snow.

Oh, look at me. Full of character.

Hammond assured us that once we were over the mountains

and back in Argentina, all would be well.

But he was wrong.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah, Hammond, the roads in Argentina are much better!

Bloody hell.

This, frankly, is unacceptable.

Soon it became even less acceptable.

Hammond, I need a brief exchange of words with you.

And there're only two of them, only seven letters.

Three of them are "f's".

Oh, dear.

James, if you say, "Jeremy, your car is not boring,"

I will give you a tow.

Jeremy, your car isn't boring, please would you give me a tow?

The noble German helped the plucky Brit out of the trenches.

Thank you very much, Jeremy Clarkson

and your interesting Porsche.

And then we continued down Hammond highway,

which was appalling.

That?

That's washboard, a whole series of ridges

very close together and going on forever.

Oh, no! I've lost second gear.

Still, could be worse.

What's up?

Driving along, the washers have suddenly gone on, wipers,

and the engine has stopped. I didn't ask them to do that.

I've never, ever seen anything like that.

Oh, the engine's now back.

That's really weird.

- Well, come on, let's just keep going. - Well, just...

- It'll run out of fluid eventually. - All right.

This is what happens when Hammond puts himself in charge.

That was amazing, it was like it was possessed.

Jeremy Clarkson and his haunted Porsche.

No, the dashboard is a Christmas tree and the car has stopped.

Power steer... Yeah, it's dead. Porsche's dead.

Hammond!

This road you chose has killed my Porsche.

I'm going to beat you to death with a bat.

- Why? What? - If we'd have stayed in Chile...

Stop questioning my leadership.

That is not what is required in an emergency situation.

I'm driving along...

I will deal with the responsibility.

And I dealt with it straight away.

Uh...

By leaving.

Right, then. Follow me.

As leader, I had no choice,

and believe me, it's a responsibility that...

It unsettles me but I've got to leave a man in the field.

Now, that is a bit of a worry, to be honest,

because the Porsche 928 was notorious

for having very complicated electrics,

and for having a lot of electrical gremlins

once it got beyond a certain age.

Yeah, Jeremy's chances of fixing that car? Um...

He did once wire his own speakers,

in the sense that he plugged them in at the back of stereo,

at home, you know, when you get the little plugs, left and right.

Mysteriously, without me doing anything at all

the Porsche had come back to life,

sort of.

Okay, the wipers won't turn off,

the dials aren't working, the heater isn't working,

the lights aren't working, but the mighty V8 is back in business!

However, a mile later...

Now the engine's... Oh, Christ. What's happened?

What is that?

I have the key! It's off!

The engine and the starter motor were both jammed on,

and they could only be shut down by disconnecting the battery.

The situation is a lot worse than I thought.

Um, this is what the top of the shock absorber should look like.

If you look on this side you can see it's been punched out of its mountings

and has hit the wiring loom,

which is what has made the entire electrical system go haywire.

Now, I can fix the wiring loom,

probably fix the shock absorber,

but what damage

has been caused to all the electrical components?

I mean, do the lights work?

It's half past 2:00 now. Five hours of daylight.

Meanwhile, further up the road,

May was getting some bad news about that night's accommodation.

Hang on, you're not saying it's a bloody campsite!

You've brought me on a crap road, worse than the one we were on.

We've got a car down, you've ruined the Lotus

and at the end of this you want me to stay in a tent!

You might find one of your tent poles is missing,

but don't worry, I know where it is.

I'll have shoved it up your a...

Signal's a bit dodgy this end at the moment, James,

but I guess you got the message back there.

This is what Hammond's road has done

to the inside of my wiring loom.

Look at this.

It just looks like the inside of Steve Austin's arm.

And they call me an orang-utan,

they simply don't know what they're talking about.

At the end of a miserable drive

I was now faced with an evening's tenting.

A whole day driving on a terrible road,

wrecking my car,

possibly losing the Porsche, breaking my spine,

then Hammond says I have to put the tent up while he goes off to get the food.

And I don't know how his tent goes together, and he knows

absolutely the square root of jack about food and cooking.

I wonder if anybody else... I wonder if the viewers find

Hammond's chirpy, upbeat,

Ross-on-Wye mannerisms as aggravating as I do?

Right, everything is now taped up, so let's see if it starts.

There you go.

At the campsite, I was returning with our evening meal.

I hope he's hungry.

Hello! Hello!

Dinner is here.

Yeah!

- Meat. - Yeah, very funny.

- A lot of it. - Yeah, but we've done that joke,

cos Jeremy did it in the top part of America.

- Yeah. - About seven or eight years ago.

You've probably forgotten.

This time it's different, this time it's better.

What you're going to have...

No, listen.

Is a traditional, authentic Gaucho barbeque.

That's a whole cow.

Hey, they eat a lot of meat round here.

Finish the tent. I'll have it on in a moment.

Seriously. Crack on.

Right.

It's a problem, essentially, of getting the wrapper off.

Several hours of peeling later,

Hammond's dinner was underway.

And while we ate, we discussed the fate of our colleague.

If we hear the sound of two...

Well, or one cylinder,

- it's probably the 2cv. - Yeah.

But any more than two, it must be the Porsche.

What if he couldn't fix it because he's stupid and ended up...

No, but he's an expert on electrics.

Hang on, that's an engine.

What is it?

It's the unhappiest man in the world, is what it is.

Oh, no!

Oh, no! I really... I honestly thought that would be...

Oh, hang on.

- That's it, stalking us. - There it is!

He's going to be so pleased with himself.

I have been doing manual labour.

Good God. Really?

I hardly like to admit it,

but I was praying that the Porsche would turn up.

I didn't want to see it die. That is absolutely fabulous.

I've actually got dirty hands from actual work.

Dirty hands?

- What was it? - I had to fix the loom, fix the ECU,

and then find some metal, bolt that to the inner wing

and reattach the top of the shock absorber to that.

- Oh, well done. - Have you got any food for me?

- Oh, has he? - Ah!

I'm not entire... I can't remember where it came from,

I sort of lost track. There's a lot in a cow.

Well, that's... Um, that's a piece of it.

Have we got any vegetables?

Is that a vegetable over here?

Yeah. Yeah, sausages.

Welcome to our little camp, that's the main thing.

Right, where is the hotel where we're staying?

Well, I just said, welcome to our little camp.

What?

Jeremy went to sleep that night quite cross.

So, to cheer him up, May and I came up with a plan.

That one. Right, I'll do these bits.

The thing is, it's not making any difference to him, ultimately.

It's making a difference to our lives.

- Oh! - That's quite good.

"Quite good"?

I'm turning that off. Right, what else have we got?

Another one of those on the other side.

Every bone in their crotches.

That's what I'm going to break.

Why have you done this?

It's all right, you have to...

You know, you get to look at an Esprit and a Mustang,

we have to look at this all day, and it's dull.

We've brightened it up.

- Have you got a suit? - Yes, I have.

Did you have it made, did you buy it? Did you say,

"Could you put some gold epaulettes on it,

"and a Happy Mondays badge?

"Can I have a Gay Pride lining?" Did you say that? No.

Yeah, but I wouldn't make you look at me

in my boring suit day after day.

We're obliged to look at you in your boring car.

Now we look at something with some interesting styling cues dashed about.

No, it looks like a five-year-old

wearing its mother's shoes.

Well, that's more interesting than it was. It's better.

Why don't you put the campfire out, and use your face.

And there's one more thing, as well.

That's my map.

- You're relieved of command. - I'm with that.

As we set off, the weather closed in.

I don't like this.

And in the blizzard,

I discovered another comedy jape from my colleagues.

What in God's name...

Why have you fitted my car with a brake light on the dash board.

Well, it will be interesting to monitor your own braking.

Is it? Is it?

James and Richard are the sort of people that would put

a tortoise on its back, for fun.

In truth, though, I did have some genuine problems.

My speedo, my rev counter, oil pressure gauge, fuel gauge,

temperature gauge, my trip computer, all dead.

Hammond's car wasn't much better.

Um, can anyone else smell burning?

And we still had 900 miles to go.

We began day six in Argentina

on yet another one of Patagonia's

endless gravel roads.

70 miles now and I haven't seen a corner or another car.

70 miles.

Mustang country.

As this was quite monotonous,

I decided we should do some cornering.

So I hatched a plan.

You know what this is, don't you?

- Dried-up lakebed. - Yeah, it is.

It was a dried-up lakebed.

I see it now as a racetrack.

Yeah.

We could replicate any track in the world here.

And we shall.

I therefore decided to make a carbon copy

of our favourite circuit,

Imola.

So, here we go. This is the Tamburello I'm making here.

It's a long, sweeping left-hander.

Through the S's, like so. Lovely job.

That's a lovely corner, there. I've just made a lovely corner.

Right, good.

The track is made.

Imust confess, the finished product

looked more like a placenta than Imola,

but we were all looking forward to staging

the inaugural V8 Desert Marathon.

I'm going to turn petrol into dust and noise.

In three... How many laps?

- Oh. 50? - Many.

Let's do a 100.

In three, two, one.

Hit it.

Short shifting into second.

And into third, and already my lead

is commanding and excellent.

You

They think you're all boring.

Whoa, you're not boring now!

Oh, ho, ho, ho!

Oh, I'm on the inside ofJames, here.

Sod it. Ah!

Hammond is going like a crazy man.

Go on, Stang, go on, fella.

Whoo-hoo, that was a...

The race... Oh, no! I've gone wrong.

Heroic manoeuvre from the mighty Mustang.

That is James May coming through.

Damn and blast!

Got him.

Oh, no!

In the next half hour,

there were more overtaking moves

than you get in a whole season of Formula 1.

It was brilliant.

Hammond and I are...

Yes, we are side by side.

The most almighty battle.

Like gladiators, but a bit fatter.

Oh, really wide.

Yep, that is a Lotus Esprit, famed throughout the world

for being one of the most unreliable cars ever made.

And look at it.

Oh, nicely done.

I can't see anything. Whoa!

This is an endurance race.

That's what you need to remember,

because the Mustang will break.

And sure enough...

Ooh, that was...

I called a halt

before anything else went wrong.

But it already had.

Oh, my God.

Things you want in your carburettor.

Fuel, air, and that's it.

You don't want rocks.

Well, it was definitely time to stop.

- Yeah. - Draw?

- Shall we call it a draw? - Yes.

- We can call it a draw. - Yes.

Do you remember where the road was?

Which side did we come onto the lake?

- That side, I think. - No, we didn't.

- We came from that side. - No, we didn't.

We had the hills to our right.

So, I still think it's over there.

Well, we didn't drive over this stuff

to get to the lake, did we?

Yeah, but we could have been round it.

I think we came in from there.

Unable to agree, I put myself in charge

and told the others to follow.

I'm telling you, it's back that way.

I know he's got the most brilliant

sense of direction in the world.

This was a mistake.

Very soft there, very soft there,

keep going, keep going, very soft.

Ooh!

Ooh.

Here goes nothing.

Wouldn't ordinarily do this with a 928, but...

I've never felt more hopelessly lost.

After many hours, we did find the road,

but our path to it was blocked by a locked gate.

That fence goes on...

Forever.

Well, just knock it over.

What do you mean, "Knock it over"?

I'll use my Mustang, I'lljust drive at the fence and flatten it...

What, and then leave the owner a note?

Yes. And a few dollar... I mean it's a bit of fence,

- he could put that back up. - Hammond,

what will the note say?

"Sorry we broke your fence

"and let all your animals escape,

"and, by the way, the Falklands are British."

We're supposed to be mending fences, not knocking them down.

Oh, he's got his map.

Oh, good. We're saved.

Right, look.

We were coming... We are...

We went into this desert to do the racing.

So, we've come off the road somewhere here.

Mmm.

It can't be more than 20k to Tres Lagos.

Mmm-hmm.

And get some bolt cutters.

- 20k? - Mmm-hmm.

- 12 miles. - We could walk it.

We could walk that.

I can't walk 12 miles.

What else do you suggest?

- No. - No.

- No. - No.

It's minus one. I am allergic to walking.

Just... No.

I know those horses we rode in Burma,

they were like Caterhams.

- These are like Ford Granadas. - How do you know?

'Cause they look like Ford Granadas.

- They don't. - They do. Just get on.

- Hello, horse. - Hola.

Hello, horse. I shall call you Burger.

Oh, that's not going well. Oh,

That's not going well.

You all right, mate? You all right?

Stay still, stay still. You all right? You all right?

Just stay still. Stay still, stay still.

You're just winded.

I guess we're walking, then.

Leaving James in the hands of our doctor,

Hammond and I set off on the long walk into town,

which gave us time to chat about many things.

And it did the weirdest thing.

It looked up and I thought,

"Oh, it's going to go mental and run away."

It walks towards the peacock, so it was interested.

See, I hate both.

They live on a diet of meat and nothing else.

Yeah. Yeah.

Which must ruin their colons.

And if you then spend 12 hours in the saddle,

hammering it flat,

it'll be like trying to pass a dustbin lid.

No, 'cause I think that's really weird,

that snails give trout piles.

In town, we found a shop

and bought the bolt cutters.

And when we returned,

we discovered that James had cracked three ribs

and completely lost his sense of humour.

What the hell was Clarkson thinking of, even suggesting?

What was I thinking of, listening to him?

Horses are a part of the countryside.

The countryside is for driving through and looking at.

That is... Ah!

God!

Happily, Clarkson soon got a bit of payback.

Oh, for sake.

I am out of fuel.

What a rotten bit of luck.

Oh.

No, it isn't fuel.

It's not turning over.

Oil pressure light, anything?

I think it could be alternator-related.

It's been a long day today.

Sorry for being boring, viewers,

and having a car that works perfectly.

Lovely evening.

There's the problem. That was the alternator belt.

With night falling, I was back on the road,

but not out of trouble.

Sitrep.

I didn't have a spare alternator belt.

So, I put a new battery in the boot,

which now isn't being charged,

which means I can't run with any electrical equipment on.

No lights, no heater, nothing.

50 miles from the overnight halt,

I caught up with one of my colleagues.

But he wasn't much help.

Hammond, is that the full range of your lights?

Yeah, that's it, that's all I got. Just one.

I have literally nothing at all, nothing.

Oh, bollocks. That's still working.

Yeah, the one thing I don't want is your joke brake light.

Sorry, is that less than funny now?

Hammond offered to ride shotgun

so we could share his headlight.

If you come get your nose slightly

in front of my nose...

Absolutely no difference at all.

And then night fell completely.

It's bloody dangerous, this.

Bloody dangerous.

It's about 30k

to where we've got to end up tonight.

I don't know if there's 30k

in that battery in Jeremy's car.

Almost certainly not.

That is concentration, now.

I'm tired now.

I'm really tired and scared.

Oh,

Oh, I never saw that coming.

Ten miles to the hotel.

By using "The Force,"

I made it in one piece.

And the next morning,

afterJames had leapt into his Lotus...

- Ah! - ...we hit the road.

Couldn't mend my car last night because, well,

we couldn't get an alternator belt in this town, amazingly.

And the dashboard is unmendable.

So I just fiddled with Hammond's car, instead.

It was more fun, I thought.

Oh!

Have you wired my brake pedal to my air horn?

Yes, I have.

Have you also taken the time

to put the air horn inside the car?

Yes, Idid.

Oh, God!

Meanwhile, in Frankie Dettori's car...

Oh,

Hell! Sorry, viewers.

- Hammond? - Yes?

We're staying tonight at a town called...

I think it's called Calafate. Something like that.

Apparently, there's a freestyle trampoline competition going on,

100 pounds first prize.

Oh, well, I think we're signed up.

We're also signed up for the piggyback race.

Excellent.

Soon we started to get a bit distracted

by the backdrop.

Bloody Nora, look at that!

What's that all about?

We had to stop and take a moment.

Look at that. I mean, look at it.

That really is, actually,

- a spectacular view. - It is.

That's one of the best, actually.

But, that is a film set.

Those mountains, they must be...

I've never heard of them, but they're...

Well, it's the Andes.

What? Could you just take a quick picture

and then show it to me? It's easier.

Oh, no, my phone's flat.

Hop out. We'll help you.

Even at the best of times, that's an idiotic expression.

Nobody hops out of a car.

- Jump out. - Nobody jumps out of a car.

Nobody hovers, nobody leaps out.

- He's quite grumpy. - Nobody pops.

Back pain does that to people.

- It does. - It puts them in a bad mood.

It does.

Back on the road,

I started to think about the football stadium

we'd have to build at journey's end.

Um, I've had a thought.

What?

Builders don't turn up in Porsches

or Lotuses or Ford Mustangs.

At some point, we're going to have to

make our cars a bit more workman-like.

I get you. Okay.

And so, that afternoon,

after a wonderful drive on glorious roads,

we reached El Calafate.

Oh, sorry.

They've wired it up.

And there we found what we needed.

Looks like a workshop. We can use that.

We can do work.

It doesn't work.

Uh...

Largos.

Gruesos.

24 hours later, our modifications were complete.

At the front, I have mended the alternator belt

and fitted these stripes so May and Hammond

stop calling me a businessman.

At the back, I've been a little more radical.

I have converted my 928 into an pick-up truck.

Ooh!

What on earth is this all for?

Lights. Well, I had a problem with my lights.

I have addressed that.

Why, in such an enormous car, have you fitted

the roll cage on the outside?

Yeah, the exoskeleton.

Because, well, it leaves more room inside, doesn't it?

What you've done is you've made your

already very big car

even bigger, and you've fitted the spoiler...

- Yep. - ...from the back...

Yeah. Still got the spoiler on it.

Have you had this in a wind tunnel?

Not yet, no.

And then...

- Oh, my word! - I know!

It's the most logical thing in the world, really,

if you think about it. Mustang. Pick-up.

Hammond and I had also raised our cars' ride height,

which is more than James had done.

Oh, look, here he comes.

Uh...

Um... What, what has he done?

It's, um...

He hasn't done anything.

We can speed this up in the edit, can't we?

We'll walk slowly and then we can speed this up.

Hi, James.

Right, and back to normal speed...

Now. What have you been doing?

Well, I've largely been having hot and cold baths

to ease my aching bones.

- James. - Yeah?

We've made pick-up trucks.

You've done absolutely nothing.

How are you going to carry

any of the supplies and the tools we need?

Aha!

"Aha," what?

This is brilliant.

Oh, I see!

What, behind this? Seriously?

Behold.

Towbar, yeah, I see. So, this is your trailer.

That's my trailer.

Right, so we're all ready, and I'm going to be in front

because I have fitted my car with satnav.

Have you?

None of the dials will work ever again.

It's a complete electronic mishmash in there.

Oh, I see!

As we headed out of town,

there were a few accidents with James' trailer.

This is brilliant.

Now James has a trailer, we can run into him...

Oi. Not funny.

Sorry.

...without damaging his Lotus.

We annoy him,

we don't damage the Lotus. Win-win.

And Hammond's go.

Oh, this is like tennis.

Out on the highway, I discovered

that not all of my mods had worked very well.

I haven't improved

the forward visibility so much,

because there's a bar across my windscreen.

Yeah, that's better.

Mysatnavmod, however, had worked very well,

and as a result, I was able to come up

with a time-saving plan.

Okay, we are here. We've got to go here.

Ushuaia, southernmost city in the world, and so on, yeah?

Now, this is the road. Look.

It's tarmac, gravel, tarmac, gravel, ferry,

onto Tierra del Fuego, back into Argentina,

and then all the way to there, yeah?

Now, I think we've already proved

the Porsche can handle anything

that Patagonia throws at it.

Wait a minute. We haven't, have we?

I mean, we've proven the opposite.

- It's here. - It fell apart.

One suspension component failure, that's it, which broke the electrics.

So, the suspension and all the electrics failed.

One leg broke.

And then the alternator belt went.

Listen, let's not get bogged down

with whose car's broken down the most.

- Now... - 'Cause it's yours.

Since we need to get on with this...

- Okay, yeah. - ...all three of us

- have got here. Yes? - Yeah.

- Yes. - All three of us.

And I have a suggestion.

Punta Arenas.

No, look. Honestly, it's brilliant.

You have to use a ferry to get to Tierra del Fuego, okay?

- 'Cause it's an island. - Yes.

So I'm saying we go here. Punta Arenas.

- Oh, I see. - Yeah?

Get on a ferry there. It's further on the boat.

And then, get to Ushuaia that way.

- Ferry. - Ferry.

Right. Good.

With the plan agreed, we soldiered on.

Go to Punta Arenas, catch boat,

arrive Ushuaia, build stadium,

play football, do diplomacy.

What can possibly go wrong with that?

As it turned out, absolutely everything.

But for now, we were heading once more for Chile and Punta Arenas.

And, after many miles of being bounced around,

the Porsche developed another fault.

As you can probably hear,

my sunroof has partially opened and won't close again!

And because I'm driving into the wind,

it's quite loud in here!

Oh, God. Please!

Eventually, though, I came up with an ingenious solution.

Yes, this has solved the problem.

If you've just joined us...

Oh, I can't explain.

It has slightly impeded our progress,

if you don't mind me saying.

He is going to be a little bit surprised,

this chap overtaking our convoy.

But, um... Sorry.

Soon we reached the border post,

where I mended my sunroof

and Hammond did his thang with the back of his Mustang.

Then, we were back in Chile.

I've just passed the most fantastic road sign.

It said Fin del Mundo. The End of the World.

We're heading for the end of the world.

Eventually, our brilliant, wonderful, magical cars

reached the port of Punta Arenas,

and before boarding the ferry to Tierra del Fuego,

we decided to buy some things for our football stadium.

Pies, beer, goalposts, corner posts, a trophy.

And we need three or four former footballers

in a studio to talk about the football.

In the town centre, we split up to do shopping.

I don't really want to get out of the car if I can avoid it,

because I've got a bad back.

This looks like the sales assistant.

The man says this isn't real grass,

it's synthetic.

You'd never know.

Sorry.

Goal!

Right, what else do I need?

Oh,

Soon, our shopping trip was complete.

Corner flags, got the box, cement, hammer, good.

Astroturf, beer, beer, beer.

What is this?

Oh, this? This, gentlemen, is magnificent.

That's what it is.

This is the trophy

that will be presented to the winning team

after our game of football.

It is striking,

and I'm very glad it's the trophy,

because for one second

I thought it was your present to me.

Actually, I have actually bought you a present.

It's, I know where we're going is very cold,

so you'll need to stay warm. So I've got you that.

- Um... - Oh, I say.

Oh, thank you very much.

Richard and I had also bought James something.

To remind you of this extraordinary trip that we have been on.

What?

Oh, seriously, that's...

'Cause we know you love horses.

You left the price on it, Jeremy!

Oh, thanks, lads.

I've got a warm glow.

With the trophy loaded up...

- Oh, yeah. - Careful, careful.

...we headed for the port.

Right, the ferry.

And what a fine-looking craft she is.

As the captain was keen to catch the tide,

Clarkson and I boarded quickly.

However...

No, he's got...

No, you've blown that before you've even started, James.

This trailer is really badly behaved. Why won't it...

No. Oh, it's a bit... It's S-ing a bit.

Now, if you caught it now...

No.

No.

All these people, lorry drivers,

wondering why there's a delayed departure.

Yes, yes.

- Yes. Yes. - This is it.

James, take it... No, slowly, slowly.

James, slowly left hand down, left hand down.

He's crashed into the boat.

Yeah.

With darkness falling and the tide all wrong,

James finally made it.

Yeah, you see...

Well done, mate. That was tremendous.

Really, really the best hour and a half entertainment

I've had in a long time.

You seen that?

That is the southernmost tip of the American continent.

Right there.

That's a significant spot on the globe, isn't it, this?

It is.

It was not the most comfortable voyage in history,

but we forgot all about that the next morning,

when the sunrise revealed

the spectacular islands of Tierra del Fuego.

However, there was a problem.

For political reasons,

we can't go to Ushuaia on this boat.

What sort of political reasons?

Well, all these islands here belong to Chile, okay?

But Argentina think they're theirs.

- No. - I know.

But, anyway, let's not get bogged down with that.

The captain's very kindly said he'll drop us here,

and then there's a track, can you see?

Oh, yeah. There it is. Look.

That goes down there to Ushuaia.

Sadly, for geological reasons,

the ferry couldn't dock at the track.

So the captain dropped us off a mile down the beach.

Here we go.

James May is on Tierra del Fuego.

I claim this land for Norfolk, and name it Lotus Beach.

Oh, yes!

Yeah! We are going to Ushuaia.

Cock.

Uh, chaps, the Lotus is beached on Lotus Beach.

Oh, good, that's a massive hole.

If we take this off and smash it to pieces,

we can use the slats.

Yeah.

To make a sort of sand ladder

in front of him to get him up and out of this.

I bought a pickaxe, it's in there somewhere,

which is excellent. There it is, in fact.

Right, if you do the ropes, ready?

Hang on, hang on.

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Take it out of the trailer before you...

No, no, why would I do that? This is the right height.

- Also... - Yeah, but you can...

- Hold on, hold on. - ...lever it.

That's the wrong tool for the...

- Stop. - You can lever it.

You still got the plastic protector

- on the end of the pickaxe. - Oh, yeah.

- I'm not... - Aha!

You're just breaking the slats up.

Now you can't use it.

If you jam...

If you put it on the ground and jam the prong in there,

- you can lever them up and lever them off.

Exactly.

Well, that's it, then, I'm not helping.

I've done all I can do.

That isn't going to really help.

I decided to leave them to it and go on ahead.

What an absolute...

Oh.

Ah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In three, two, one and go.

And we're through.

Up ahead, after we'd rounded an apparently pointless

wooden fence obstacle, there was a problem.

Oh, God, look at it.

Massive boulders.

Won't go over that, won't go over that.

'Cause, Hammond, look down there.

- Won't go over that. - Look at the next bit.

Won't go over any of that.

Luckily, the backs of our cars

were full of stuff we could use to make progress.

Ow!

Bit of right.

Quite a lot of right!

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no. - What?

Oh, bloody hell!

Three, two, one,

and go.

No, it's not helping at all.

Now left, full left, full left.

- Do you mean right? - Full right, sorry.

Lever.

Oh, yes!

In five hours, we had moved just 200 yards

and our cars were taking such heavy punishment...

That is clutch.

...that we completely failed to notice the rising tide.

Oh, God.

Hammond, go now. James, get out of the way.

Ooh.

Go round me.

Up ahead, the beach narrowed so much

that soon the tide would cut us off completely.

What we needed now, more than ever, was teamwork.

I'm sorry, it's every man for himself now.

The situation is, actually, quite perilous.

Come on, Porsche, please, please, please, please.

Oh,

Oh, for God's sake.

That's punched a hole in the door.

The tide is moving four inches every ten minutes.

Meanwhile, back where Jeremy had left us...

This is going to wear the clutch out if I'm not careful.

Come on!

Please move, Porsche, please move.

Come on, yes, you brilliant car.

Come on.

Come on, Porsche, come on.

Yeah. Go on.

Oh, God.

Sorry, this is really brutal.

I'm not stopping. Get bogged down if I stop.

Got a puncture, I've got a knackered clutch.

Just in time, I made it to the pinch point.

Come on, come on, through the sea.

And moments later, I was joined by Hank B. Hammond.

Right, only the Lotus now.

I'll be staggered if I get through this bit.

Oh, yes!

Of course, it's traditional on TV these days

that everyone always makes it,

but this isTop Gear... So, we didn't.

James, therefore, parked his car above the high water mark,

locked it, weirdly,

and we made camp, which for once wasn't so bad.

What a view, that is.

It's mind-blowing.

It is mind-blowing.

I think we have to all agree

that Tierra del Fuego is the most beautiful place in the world.

I'll go with that.

- I'm happy to accept that. - Yeah.

What are we eating, by the way?

- Beaver. - What?

Beaver.

There's a plague of them here, honestly.

Back in '46, Peron introduced 25 pairs of beaver down here.

There are now hundreds of thousands of them.

Half the riparian forest around here, half of it,

has gone as a result of beavers.

'Cause the beaver, here, likes hardwood.

And you can eat it?

I'll let you know in a minute.

Mate of mine said he did once.

What, a mate of yours said he'd eaten beaver?

- Yeah, I didn't believe him. - Let's try it.

I'm fairly sure I don't like beaver, actually.

I mean, I'll eat anything, as you know.

I'lljust warm you a piece up, Hammond.

It was a wonderful evening,

and after the sun went down, it got even better.

The next morning, at low tide, we rescued the Lotus

and set off on the final leg of ourjourney to Ushuaia.

However, our cars had been badly bruised by the beach assault.

And there was another issue.

We've used a lot of the stuff we bought in Punta Arenas

to build the stadium to get us off that beach.

That's James May's trailer. That's all he's got left.

Plank of wood, wheelbarrow and toy horse.

Spirits, though, were high as we reached what would be the final mountain range.

We could almost smell the victory.

Well, this is lovely, isn't it? This is the most scenic bit yet.

Jeremy and I, however,

were too busy enjoying ourselves to notice the view.

Whoa! There you go. Yeah!

Rally stage.

And stick it into the corner. Power it round.

Little bit of boot, full of opposite lock.

Yes, I'm going well.

Oh, hang on. Whoa!

Whoa! No, no, no, no.

Turns out I'm not good at rallying.

There's evidence to suggest neither am I.

Both of us were stuck.

But luckily we had the right equipment for such a cold-weather emergency.

The beaver we ate last night, we made some clothes out of it's...

Out of its fur, and that's going to be handy now.

Beaver mittens.

You know that carpet you're carrying?

Yeah.

We could use that, couldn't we, to get going?

It is incredibly heavy.

I've got a bad back.

Right, let's get this out.

Then we can get the carpet out and get it underneath the tyres

and then we can be on our way.

There we go, okey-dokey.

Right, Hammond, I've got it. Right, go. Just walk away.

- Out the door? - Just walk away.

Do you want me to turn around now?

- 'Cause you're not welcome any more. - Okay.

I should have changed that stupid lock, should have thrown away the key,

if I'd have known for one second you'd be back...

Yes, the lyrics go on, we know that.

Put it on the floor.

I can't put it on the floor! It's not going down!

Oh...

Sadly, the carpet wasn't a solution.

And then we saw why.

So, that wheel is straight, that one is hard left.

Oh, Holy Moley!

Something massive has snapped underneath.

When was the last time somebody saw the 2cv?

Having assessed the situation, I dug myself out,

fired up my stereo, and left.

Sorry.

In three, two, one. Here I go.

Having towed my colleague out of the way, I then left as well.

And soon I caught up with Clarkson.

So, his wheel fell off in

Bolivia, off his Land Cruiser.

Wheel fell off his Subaru in Tanzania.

The wheel's come off his Mustang here.

Well, the constant factor in all of those

wheel-falling-off incidents is the driver.

I really genuinely believe Hammond has had it.

Absolutely had it.

That car is mendable

if it were in Stevenage, but it isn't.

And, having removed the wheel, I felt the same way.

That is the culprit.

Track rod end. This fixes here, decides where the wheel is pointing,

and clearly all the rest of it's gone, it's just sheared.

And there's nothing to suggest it was

going to if I hadn't hit the big wall of ice.

James and I pushed on towards the final border crossing

back into Argentina.

But when we reached it,

we couldn't help noticing it was a river,

and something important was missing.

Well, why isn't there a bridge?

I know we've hit a few problems in the last 24 hours,

but that's our biggest yet.

Is it... How deep is it?

It's not so much the depth. It's...

Look, it's muddy, and we'll get stuck getting...

Oh, look.

Something's been driving through it.

- You can see the tracks. - Well, what about that?

That lorry must have driven through it to be there.

Buenas tardes!

What's the Spanish for, "Does your lorry back over here,

"and could you lift our cars onto it?"

Hola... Oh, he's driving off.

Oh, God.

I thought that was a bit too good to be true.

- No, wait. - Oh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Well, perhaps this is his business.

Perhaps it's a ferry.

It's a lorry-ferry. Is that pos...

I suppose it's possible.

If it was a ferry,

it didn't seem very at home in the water.

And it didn't have the most sophisticated system

for loading the car.

I'm not sure I want to put my Porsche on that.

Go.

Oh, God. I'm stuck.

Oh, God...

What if there's nowhere to turn it on the other side?

What if I can't get off? Oh, my God!

That's so shonky.

His stupid car on the back of a lorry.

We're in the river now.

We're in the river.

It's deep! Deep, deep, deep river.

Right, I'm across the river... Hold on, how do I get off?

How do I get off?

Eduardo Stobart had thought of that.

And having deposited me...

...he went back to get James.

I'm on.

Butsadly, there was no room for his trailer.

I'm taking Brokeback in the car with me.

Oh, ow!

Here we go!

I didn't tell him I had a bad back.

James was deposited gently on the bank...

Ow.

Okey-doke, right, good.

We're both in, definitely, Argentina now.

And then we were interrupted by a familiar sound.

Is that...

It can't be.

Not going to lose me that easily, boys.

That is the Mustang.

How the hell's he mended that?

Unfortunately, Hammond then rather spoiled

the majesty of his arrival.

He's stuck.

I'm stuck.

Jeremy and James, is that you over there?

It certainlyis.

Why don't you come over the river

and then you're in Argentina.

Well, yeah, hello, yeah, but how do I come over the river?

You drive over it. It's a ford.

It's not a ford, it's a river.

We drove over. Easy.

Sadly, because Hammond was bogged down,

we had to ask a local digger driver to go and get him.

Okay, could you chugga-chugga over and then tow?

Huh?

Yes.

Thanks to my brilliant miming, the kindly chap was soon on his way.

I mean, Hammond thinks we drove across it.

He's in for quite a surprise in a minute.

Yeah, this is suddenly seeming like not such a good idea.

Oh.

Oh, it's deep.

Is that the bottom of the doors?

Yeah. It's the bottom of the doors.

Oh, there is water coming in.

Lot of water now in my car.

If he sees this lorry...

He might be really angry, actually. We might have to hide.

There is water coming out. Quite a lot of it.

Where are they?

Should've seen James coming across the river.

It was almost up to the top of the windows.

- Phenomenal. - Yeah.

You got them quite muddy again in the drive

from the river to here.

The next day, we were on the road, early,

with Hammond worrying about

the quality of his alpine track rod end fix.

I hope that weld holds.

If it doesn't, this shot is going to get very tumbly.

Sky, ground, sky, ground, sky, ground, screaming.

But there were only a few miles to go to Ushuaia.

And, there, a team of locals had already begun

the groundwork for our stadium.

They were using shipping containers which would form the framework.

And we had even lined up

some football cars for the Argentinians to use.

But then we received word that up ahead

there was some kind of protest about our visit,

and the producers decided it'd be best if we went to a nearby hotel.

Who's that lot in the car park, James?

Do you know?

No. I've seen them before,

but I'm not sure who they are.

Well, this lot are taking a lot of interest

in the camera vehicles.

What is it?

I don't know what these blokes came out of,

but they're heading this way.

They're coming down the front.

Who is? Are they coming up here?

James, please keep your face back.

You've seen the vehicle there

with the flag and all that kind of stuff that we're getting.

There must be about 10 or 15 in the foyer just now.

I've spoke to the manager. He's a little bit...

Nothing... Not a lot that he can do.

So, I think at the moment, if we all stay in our rooms...

All right. Here's the situation.

We're holed up in this room. I don't know whose it is,

but it isn't ours.

Uh, there's a gang...

Nationalists, whatever,

believe that the Falklands are Argentinian,

they don't like the British, and they're in the hotel.

And we're stuck in here and we don't know what's going on.

The protestors consisted of some Falkland War veterans

and their associates,

who said that if we didn't stop filming, there would be trouble.

The arrival of the police made us realise

this was no idle threat.

The head veteran accused us of putting

a fake number plate on the Porsche,

that was a deliberate reference to the Falklands War.

Our producers tried to explain

it wasn't fake and that it would be replaced

for the game of football, but they got nowhere.

We're in a meeting with the police now.

Are you saying we've got to get the hell out of Tierra del Fuego?

Absolutely.

We're being ordered to leave Tierra del Fuego, yes?

We are. They want us, as people, out.

We have just been ordered out of Tierra del Fuego,

ordered out of, effectively, Argentina.

But we haven't, we haven't had

any animosity what so ever in the whole trip.

Everybody's been perfectly decent, very charming.

All we wanted to do was come here and play football,

and what's happened is...

The producers said it would take 24 hours

to organise the departure of such a large crew.

But even though the police were present, the veterans said a mob was on its way

and that there would be violence if we weren't gone in three.

Right, guys, everyone grab a bit of equipment, please.

Everyone grab something, okay?

Do we get an escort?

Meanwhile, the three of us,

who were the main target for the protesters' anger,

were still holed up in our room.

Now, we've been doing a whole load

of Butch Cassidy stuff on the way over here, and...

- Come on. - This is Butch Cassidy for real.

Guys, everyone in the cars.

With four tonnes of equipment loaded into the cars,

the 31 -strong film crew headed out of town.

And soon, darkness fell.

A police escort would take them 184 miles

to the border town of San Sebastian,

where they'd cross over into Chile.

And since the protestors' demands had been met,

the crew hoped they were out of danger.

But a short while later, they realised they were not alone.

Bikes behind the star cars.

Bikes behind the star cars.

They're stopping and looking in.

They're looking for the Porsche.

On the onlyroad, in the middle of nowhere,

with no phone signal, the crew were being hounded.

They're going to be aggressive.

Then, just outside the town of Tolowin,

the police told the convoy to pull over and prepare for an attack.

As they drove into town, a large mob was waiting.

The people on the left, a lot of people on the left.

Hell, look at this.

Yeah, there's a lot of people here.

They're everywhere.

And they were organised.

And there's a truck slowing us down, too.

The truck blocking the right-hand lane.

It's too slow.

That's a deliberate truck, just put there.

They're coming out.

The first couple of hits were from eggs.

But then the rocks started.

Throwing stones, throwing stones.

Stuff lobbed at us.

Drive! Drive!

Put it down, put it down, put it down.

Keep it going, keep it going.

Look out. Look out on your right,

look out on your right.

Go left, go left. Keep going, keep going.

Now, floor it to the right. Floor it to the right.

Keep going.

Keep calm. Keep calm. Left.

Keep the convoy rolling. Keep it going.

Keep Karl... Karl, pull in in front of us.

Out ofthe town, the crew,

two of whom had been hurt, pulled over to repair

the multitude of smashed windows.

Right, let's help Dan on this one, now.

Andbecause they were a magnet for trouble,

they had to abandon the Porsche, Ford and Lotus.

Back on the move, they were now heading

for the much larger town of Rio Grande,

where they were told a mob in some 300 cars was waiting.

Fearing for their lives,

the crew abandoned the road and headed cross-country

towards the river border we'd used earlier.

With the police escort hanging back

to make sure the attackers hadn't spotted the ruse,

the convoy made it to the river, where a few hours later

daylight revealed the viciousness of the attack.

This time, there were no diggers or trucks

to help ford the river.

Come on!

But after many hours of struggle,

our team made it across...

...and into the welcoming arms of Chile.

We are happy to see you.

Us three, meanwhile, had decided to conclude

this whole sorry saga

in the same way that Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid had ended theirs.

I've had a great idea.

What?

- Australia. - Australia?

Yeah, they've got horses. You could learn to ride.

No horses!

Well, listen.

The important thing to remember when we get out of here is...

Hang on, did you see the 2cv out there?

2cv? No.

Oh, good. For a moment then I thought we were in trouble. Right.

Fuego!

Fuego!