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It seems todaythat all you see
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Is violence in moviesand sex on TV
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But where are those
Good old-fashioned values
4
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On whichwe used to rely?
5
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Lucky there'sa family guy
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Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
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All the thingsthat make us
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Laugh and cry
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He's a family guy!
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Hey, Stewie, you ready to go home?
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About an hour ago. This party sucks.
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What happened to your face?
13
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I'm a kitty cat. Stupid face-painters
14
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apparently never heard of Darth Maul.
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This party's worse than a Mexican funeral.
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Come on. Let's get out of here, Brian.
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Wait. Hang on a second.
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Who's that?
19
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That's Jared's mom.
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Her husband died in Iraq.
21
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Really?
22
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No, wait. He was either wounded or killed.
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I don't remember.
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Well, which is it, Stewie,
wounded or killed? I can work with either.
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No, no, he's dead. He's dead.
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Just like the Pink Panther.
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- What's wrong with him, Doctor?
28
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Well, it seems his lungs
are completely filled
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with Owens Corning fiberglass insulation.
30
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What? Will he be okay?
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No, he won't be okay.
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One-third of his body weight
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is Owens Corning fiberglass insulation.
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Well, that's it.
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But don't worry, he won't burn in hell
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thanks to all that
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Owens Corning fiberglass insulation.
38
00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,125
How about that magician, huh?
39
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Yeah, he's great.
40
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I love magicians.
41
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I don't know why, but I've
always found magic very sexy.
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- I'm a magician.
- You are?
43
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How long have you been doing magic?
44
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Oh, long time.
I used to work with Doug Henning.
45
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- Wow.
- Yeah.
46
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Want to see my Doug Henning?
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Welcome to the wonderful world of magic.
48
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Hope I don't get AIDS.
49
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Oh, God, that is so my humor.
50
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You know, my son's birthday party
51
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is next weekend.
52
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Any chance I can hire you to do your act?
53
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Absolutely!
54
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I think the magic's
starting to happen already.
55
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Brian, this is painful.
56
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It's like listening to those
two foreign guys
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down at the coffee shop
who've been living in the US
58
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almost long enough to sound American.
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Oh, man, what a good bunch
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of partying at that discotheque.
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They played one of my audience requests.
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Way awesome.
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I myself drank, like, five liters of beer.
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Any more and I would have
ended up in hospital, man.
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Oh, you said it, friend.
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But I wanted to stay
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'cause I almost had sex on this girl.
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Oh, yeah! But it was so expensive.
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Each drink was, like, six dollars 40.
70
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And if I've done this right,
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then this is your card, Stewie.
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Really, Brian? Card tricks?
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That's what's gonna close
the deal with this woman?
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Well, yeah. Why not?
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You need more than that. You need an act.
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Listen, I'll be your assistant,
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and we'll put on a whole big show.
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- Really?
- Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks.
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You can even split me in half.
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- What?
- Saw me in half.
81
00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,419
Well, I am still a little shaky
on some of this stuff.
82
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I guess I could use the help.
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Great. And we'll get you
a wand, a top hat and a cape.
84
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In fact, you can use Peter's cape
85
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from last year's Halloween costume.
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Hi, Brian.
87
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I'm Count Crotchula, the bulging vampire.
88
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I'll bite your neck,
89
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but also look how big I am down there.
90
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That costume doesn't make any sense.
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Don't stifle my creativity!
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See that bulge down there, Brian.
93
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What is that? What is it?
94
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Can't be my pointy teeth,
95
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'cause those are all the way up here.
96
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I'll let you in on a little secret.
97
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Happy Halloween.
98
00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:05,871
Okay, kids, it's time for the magic show.
99
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How about a big round of applause
100
00:04:07,873 --> 00:04:10,834
for The Amazing Brian?
101
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:15,088
I can't believe I agreed
to four costume changes.
102
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Oh, who am I kidding? I insisted on it.
103
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Brian, thanks so much for doing this.
104
00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:22,804
Paul and I are so excited to see your act.
105
00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:24,681
Oh, thank... Wait. What?
106
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Paul, my boyfriend.
107
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Paul, this is Brian.
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Boyfriend? Oh, come on!
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I paid $800 for all this crap!
110
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You have a boyfriend?
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00:04:32,147 --> 00:04:34,608
- Yeah.
- And I'm a great guy. I'm unemployed,
112
00:04:34,691 --> 00:04:36,443
but that makes her feel useful
in the relationship.
113
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I'm gonna fix him.
114
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Our relationship
will do fine on that basis.
115
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If he had his life together,
I wouldn't be into it.
116
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But I don't.
117
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God! I am so sick of this crap!
118
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Is this the show?
119
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You know what? The hell with both of you!
I'm outta here!
120
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Are we doing this thing or what?
121
00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:53,126
Brian? Brian?
122
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Well, this was a lot of effort
for nothing...
123
00:04:56,171 --> 00:04:58,048
like trying to tell Matthew McConaughey
124
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how much he sucks.
125
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,593
You know, Matthew, I may not ever get
126
00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:03,011
another chance to say this,
127
00:05:03,095 --> 00:05:05,055
so I just want to get this off my chest.
128
00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:07,266
You are just awful.
129
00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:09,893
You're one of the worst actors
in the history of film...
130
00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:12,896
And I think that you need to go away.
131
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:13,981
Oh, thanks, man.
132
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The truth is I spend
at least 90% of my year
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going away, exploring exotic places,
134
00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:20,779
having sex with my beautiful girlfriend,
just doing sit-ups.
135
00:05:20,863 --> 00:05:22,906
I mean, I really...
And then counting money.
136
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Money that I made off the terrible films
137
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that I put out into the American populace
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because they just love to see me
139
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doing what it is that I do.
140
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Yes, but you're not hearing me.
141
00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:33,458
Dazed and Confused was the one thing
that was passable.
142
00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:34,543
- After that...
- Oh, thanks, man.
143
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That actually launched my career.
144
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After that, everything else was awful.
145
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Contact, they didn't
even need you in that movie.
146
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They could have done
the whole movie without you.
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I know. I know. I said the same thing.
148
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But they were just, like,
"Oh, we need a good-looking guy
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"with a great ass and some tight abs
150
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"to just provide some down-home
enthusiasm in this picture.
151
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"Something to counterbalance
Jodie Foster."
152
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They took her to be, uh, slightly cold,
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uh, unapproachable, do you know?
154
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So they put me in there.
I said it didn't make any sense.
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Said the same thing
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about that Bill Murray elephant movie,
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but they were just, like,
"Oh, the audiences need you."
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You make me physically sick to my stomach,
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and I wish that you would
get a heart attack.
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I totally feel you, man.
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Truth of the matter is,
I don't like my movies either,
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but, man, they just keep offering me money
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and I do it and I get
to go around the world.
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I mean, did you see Sahara?
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I tell you what the move gave me
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was an opportunity to take
an Airstream all across the country
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and sell that picture
one person at a time.
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- You suck donkey ass.
- Now, you can't prove that.
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That was so humiliating!
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I mean, look at all the stuff
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I put myself through just to get laid.
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Oh, don't worry, my friend.
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One day you'll find your soul mate.
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The sad thing is I already did, years ago.
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Tracy Flannigan.
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She was the greatest girl I ever met,
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and I blew it.
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You should look her up.
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Oh, am I boring you?
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No, it's just... long day.
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Well, I suppose I could look her up.
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I just wonder if she'd even
want to see me.
183
00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:55,040
I wasn't exactly the nicest
guy in the world.
184
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And then, in high school,
185
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I was violated sexually by my father.
186
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It happened on numerous occasions,
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and I was too afraid to tell anyone
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because I felt like
somehow it was my fault.
189
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So... you do go all the way.
190
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Well, here goes.
191
00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:26,196
Uh, Tracy?
192
00:07:26,822 --> 00:07:28,240
Tracy Flannigan?
193
00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:29,491
Oh, my God,
194
00:07:29,575 --> 00:07:31,618
Brian Griffin, is that you?
195
00:07:31,702 --> 00:07:34,371
Uh, yeah, it's me.
196
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,206
And all he wants is to kiss you
197
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just one more time.
198
00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:40,085
Wow, you sure look... different
199
00:07:40,169 --> 00:07:41,712
than the last time I saw you.
200
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Yeah, haircut.
201
00:07:43,422 --> 00:07:45,424
So to get out of here I just make a left
202
00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:47,843
out of the driveway
and drive as fast as I can?
203
00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,178
Wait. Brian,
204
00:07:49,261 --> 00:07:51,513
I'm actually glad you found me.
205
00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:53,348
There's someone I've wanted you to meet
206
00:07:53,432 --> 00:07:54,558
for a long time.
207
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:55,893
From the look at those toenails,
208
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:58,478
I bet it's that little Lamisil monster.
209
00:07:58,562 --> 00:08:00,689
Brian, this is Dylan.
210
00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:03,358
He's... your son.
211
00:08:03,442 --> 00:08:05,027
Oh, no way!
212
00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:07,362
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
213
00:08:12,284 --> 00:08:15,329
Gosh, this is a lovely home, Tracy.
214
00:08:15,412 --> 00:08:16,580
That's so weird.
215
00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:17,831
It smells like there's a cat,
216
00:08:17,915 --> 00:08:19,625
but I bet there's no cat.
217
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:22,628
I've wanted you to meet Dylan
for a long time, Brian.
218
00:08:22,711 --> 00:08:24,463
Well, Brian, a son.
219
00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:25,714
How about that?
220
00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,174
My God, this is more uncomfortable
221
00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:29,134
than the good-bye in The Wizard of Oz.
222
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:30,552
Good-bye, Tin Man.
223
00:08:30,636 --> 00:08:31,803
Good-bye, Dorothy.
224
00:08:32,596 --> 00:08:33,639
Good-bye, Lion.
225
00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:35,349
Good-bye, Dorothy.
226
00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:38,185
And I think I'll miss you
most of all, Scarecrow.
227
00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,562
Oh, okay.
That's kind of an odd thing to say.
228
00:08:40,646 --> 00:08:42,898
Yeah, sort of a weird comment
right in front of all of us.
229
00:08:42,981 --> 00:08:44,399
Kinda thought this was a team effort.
230
00:08:44,483 --> 00:08:46,109
Yeah, yeah. Really, really glad
231
00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:47,486
I risked my life and everything.
232
00:08:47,569 --> 00:08:49,404
Yeah, you're, like, five minutes from gone
233
00:08:49,488 --> 00:08:51,114
- and you leave with that?
- Yeah.
234
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,741
You know, it's like cutting a huge fart
235
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,201
and then walking out of the room.
236
00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:55,869
And that's how we'll remember you,
237
00:08:55,953 --> 00:08:57,162
as a big fart.
238
00:08:57,329 --> 00:08:59,039
Good-bye, big fart.
239
00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:05,546
So, Dylan, um, shouldn't you be in school?
240
00:09:05,629 --> 00:09:07,047
- I don't know.
- It's Wednesday.
241
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,841
- Up yours!
- Nice kid.
242
00:09:08,924 --> 00:09:10,425
Say, Brian, now that I think about it,
243
00:09:10,551 --> 00:09:12,970
how can you possibly
have a 13-year-old son
244
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:16,056
- when you yourself are only seven?
- Well, those are dog years.
245
00:09:16,139 --> 00:09:17,182
That doesn't make any sense.
246
00:09:17,266 --> 00:09:18,642
You know what, Stewie?
If you don't like it,
247
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:19,893
go on the Internet and complain.
248
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,983
Oh, it was awful.
That kid was a complete thug.
249
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:28,026
I'm telling you, I couldn't
get out of there fast enough.
250
00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:29,486
Boy, Brian, you dodged a bullet
251
00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:31,029
not having to raise that kid.
252
00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:32,531
Your life would have been more miserable
253
00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:35,409
than a lonely old widow living
in a downstairs apartment.
254
00:09:37,411 --> 00:09:40,122
- Quiet! Keep it down up there!
255
00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:42,416
- What did I just say?
256
00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:44,251
I'm calling the police!
257
00:09:44,418 --> 00:09:45,794
I don't know, Brian.
258
00:09:45,878 --> 00:09:48,255
Don't you think you have
a responsibility to your son?
259
00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:51,091
Hey, Lois, I didn't even know
I had a son until today.
260
00:09:51,175 --> 00:09:53,886
And besides, it's not like
Tracy ever asked for my help.
261
00:09:53,969 --> 00:09:55,679
Yeah, it seemed like
they're all set without you.
262
00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:57,055
She's done a fine job
263
00:09:57,139 --> 00:10:01,894
creating a child-friendly
environment... a-roni...
264
00:10:05,981 --> 00:10:07,107
Great parenting.
265
00:10:07,191 --> 00:10:08,192
I don't know, Brian.
266
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,777
Raising a child is a very
rewarding experience.
267
00:10:10,861 --> 00:10:12,988
You know what else is rewarding, Lois?
Shuttin' your vag.
268
00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:14,114
- What?
- What?
269
00:10:16,742 --> 00:10:19,077
Dylan! What are you doing here?
270
00:10:19,161 --> 00:10:20,829
My mom wanted me to give you this.
271
00:10:21,038 --> 00:10:25,083
"To Brian from Tracy.
He's your problem now.
272
00:10:25,167 --> 00:10:27,461
"PS Will you write me
a letter of recommendation
273
00:10:27,544 --> 00:10:29,421
"for the University of Phoenix?"
274
00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:32,049
No. No, I'm not gonna
put myself on the line like that.
275
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:33,425
But Dylan, my God!
276
00:10:33,509 --> 00:10:35,761
Everybody, this handsome muscular boy
277
00:10:35,844 --> 00:10:37,304
is Brian's son, Dylan.
278
00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:39,431
Dylan is gonna be staying
with us for a while.
279
00:10:39,515 --> 00:10:41,350
Dylan, it's so nice to meet you.
280
00:10:41,433 --> 00:10:42,559
Shut up, bitch!
281
00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:44,394
Oh! He got you, Lois.
282
00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:46,021
No, no, no! Tracy can't do this.
283
00:10:46,104 --> 00:10:47,397
She can't just leave him here.
284
00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:49,566
Well, we can't just turn him away, Brian.
285
00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:51,235
After all, he is family.
286
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:53,487
I don't know. Where's he gonna sleep?
287
00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:55,364
He could sleep in Stewie's room.
288
00:10:55,447 --> 00:10:57,199
Would you like that, sweetie?
289
00:10:57,282 --> 00:11:00,202
No, my pants just got shorter
'cause I hated the idea.
290
00:11:03,247 --> 00:11:04,373
And this is Chris.
291
00:11:04,456 --> 00:11:06,375
Chris, this is my son, Dylan.
292
00:11:06,708 --> 00:11:07,709
Hi, Dylan.
293
00:11:07,793 --> 00:11:09,837
All this stuff in here is mine now.
294
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:11,755
Oh. Well...
295
00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:14,049
Okay, but be careful opening the closet,
296
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:15,968
'cause that's where the evil monkey lives.
297
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:24,393
Yay!
298
00:11:24,476 --> 00:11:26,728
I haven't been in my closet for years!
299
00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:30,399
Boy, there is a lot of feces in here.
300
00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:37,281
Something on your mind, son?
301
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:39,533
Shut up, dude.
You're just a fat old bastard.
302
00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:42,911
Well, not to get technical,
sir, but you are the bastard.
303
00:11:42,995 --> 00:11:44,705
Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!
304
00:11:59,178 --> 00:12:00,387
I hate you all!
305
00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:02,055
I didn't ask to be born.
306
00:12:02,139 --> 00:12:04,600
If I had a gun, I would kill you all!
307
00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:05,767
Did you hear that, Lois?
308
00:12:05,851 --> 00:12:07,853
Now we know what to get him for Christmas.
309
00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:10,689
Oh! I love the holidays.
310
00:12:10,772 --> 00:12:13,150
Brian, you have got
to get Dylan under control.
311
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,194
He's terrorizing the whole family.
312
00:12:15,277 --> 00:12:17,404
Yeah, you wouldn't believe
what he did to Meg yesterday.
313
00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:19,615
He made her watch the other 178 hours
314
00:12:19,698 --> 00:12:21,200
of Monty Python stuff
315
00:12:21,283 --> 00:12:22,826
that isn't funny or memorable.
316
00:12:22,910 --> 00:12:25,370
I have a pethedgehog named Zippy
317
00:12:25,454 --> 00:12:27,122
and I shall walkher to town,
318
00:12:27,206 --> 00:12:28,874
and each time my foothits the ground,
319
00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:32,294
I shall say,"Boing, boing, boing."
320
00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:33,504
I'm a girl!
321
00:12:33,587 --> 00:12:36,131
I don't even like
the good Monty Python sketches.
322
00:12:36,507 --> 00:12:38,759
Don't worry, I got it under control, Lois.
323
00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:41,553
I'm monitoring Dylan from here
on Stewie's baby monitor.
324
00:12:41,637 --> 00:12:43,805
Hey, Dylan.
Hey, come on in here for a sec.
325
00:12:44,056 --> 00:12:45,724
Stewie, why are you nude?
326
00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:47,142
Oh, justa little something I do
327
00:12:47,226 --> 00:12:49,520
once a week around here
called a naked tea party.
328
00:12:50,020 --> 00:12:51,104
Got my teacup here.
329
00:12:51,313 --> 00:12:53,148
Now all I needis a tea bag.
330
00:12:53,899 --> 00:12:55,400
That's something that
interests you, my friend?
331
00:12:55,484 --> 00:12:56,485
You're weird.
332
00:12:56,568 --> 00:12:59,112
Yeah, and you're attractive.
Now take your pants off!
333
00:12:59,196 --> 00:13:00,489
I'm outta here.
334
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:03,158
Oh, did you see that, Rupert?
335
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:05,827
How to Lose a Guy in Ten Seconds,
336
00:13:05,911 --> 00:13:08,038
starringStewie Griffin, huh?
337
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,831
Gee whiz.
338
00:13:14,336 --> 00:13:15,921
Hey, Lois, is the air conditioning on?
339
00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:18,173
I just woke up from a nap
and I feel drafty.
340
00:13:18,257 --> 00:13:19,925
Peter, we don't have air conditioning.
341
00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:21,844
Well, that's awful peculiar.
342
00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:24,388
Oh, my God. Peter, look.
343
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,849
Oh, damn it, Dylan. What the hell?
344
00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:28,725
Well, thank God I'm full of Play-Doh.
345
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:35,524
There we are.
346
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:37,526
That's it. I'm telling Brian
347
00:13:37,609 --> 00:13:39,611
he has to rein Dylan in once and for all.
348
00:13:39,695 --> 00:13:40,946
Hey, where is Brian, anyway?
349
00:13:48,287 --> 00:13:49,538
Oh, thanks, Lois.
350
00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:50,998
Dylan put this paper bag on my head
351
00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:52,875
and I could not, for the life of me,
352
00:13:52,958 --> 00:13:54,084
figure out how to get it off.
353
00:13:54,168 --> 00:13:55,586
The kid's a sociopath.
354
00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:57,629
Well, it's time
you laid down the law with him.
355
00:13:57,713 --> 00:13:58,839
I couldn't agree more.
356
00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:00,549
I am gonna kick him out of this house
357
00:14:00,632 --> 00:14:03,010
faster than NASA kicked out
the Cocoa Puffs bird.
358
00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:05,846
Okay, your physical exam was within range.
359
00:14:05,929 --> 00:14:07,514
You aced the flight simulator.
360
00:14:07,598 --> 00:14:09,516
I guess all that's left
is the psychological screening.
361
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:11,810
- Okay.
- How do you feel about this?
362
00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:13,854
Ah, oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs.
363
00:14:13,937 --> 00:14:15,189
No, that's not me anymore.
364
00:14:15,272 --> 00:14:16,523
I'm just here to fly, sir.
365
00:14:18,734 --> 00:14:20,986
All right, Dylan. You know what?
This isn't working out.
366
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,738
All right?
I don't care that I'm your father,
367
00:14:22,821 --> 00:14:24,239
and you don't care that you're my son.
368
00:14:24,323 --> 00:14:25,866
We don't have anything in common.
369
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:28,160
I think it's best
if you just get out of this house.
370
00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:29,745
Fine. I hate it here anyhow.
371
00:14:29,912 --> 00:14:30,913
Get out of my way.
372
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:34,958
My pot! Your pot?
373
00:14:35,292 --> 00:14:38,754
And then in chapter 28 of my novel,
374
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:41,840
the other pilots
finally trust the Japanese pilot
375
00:14:41,924 --> 00:14:45,552
and let him... let him into... um...
376
00:14:45,636 --> 00:14:46,845
their group.
377
00:14:46,929 --> 00:14:48,847
Dude, that is an amazing story.
378
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,183
Hey. Hey, what if, um,
379
00:14:51,266 --> 00:14:52,976
they were Korean pilots?
380
00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:55,312
Yeah. Um, I'm not really
looking for notes,
381
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,856
but you know, Dylan,
I gotta tell you something.
382
00:14:58,524 --> 00:15:00,943
I'm sorry I wasn't around
when you were growing up.
383
00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:02,861
Don't. Just... just don't.
384
00:15:02,945 --> 00:15:05,781
If I had known
having a son could be like this...
385
00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:07,449
- How dare you?
- I didn't know!
386
00:15:07,533 --> 00:15:09,326
You had no right, man. No right.
387
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:11,620
- It wasn't my fault.
- You weren't there for me.
388
00:15:11,703 --> 00:15:13,664
Damn it, don't you think I wanted to be?
389
00:15:16,708 --> 00:15:19,670
Shh. Shh. It's okay.
390
00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:21,922
It's okay. Look,
391
00:15:22,005 --> 00:15:23,799
I know I wasn't there for you, man.
392
00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:27,261
for all those years, but...
that's gonna change.
393
00:15:27,344 --> 00:15:29,012
It's gonna be different from now on.
394
00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:31,473
And I'm gonna make you
into a better person,
395
00:15:31,557 --> 00:15:32,933
starting first thing tomorrow.
396
00:15:33,267 --> 00:15:35,435
Just passing through.
See anything you like, speak up.
397
00:15:42,734 --> 00:15:43,902
Hey, there, everybody.
398
00:15:43,986 --> 00:15:45,654
Was somebody looking for a son
399
00:15:45,737 --> 00:15:47,656
with a bright new path to adulthood
400
00:15:47,739 --> 00:15:50,075
and his very, very proud dad?
401
00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:52,327
Oh, Dylan, you got a haircut.
402
00:15:52,411 --> 00:15:53,871
Aren't you handsome?
403
00:15:53,954 --> 00:15:56,999
From now on,
I plan on being a real father to Dylan,
404
00:15:57,082 --> 00:16:00,002
and together, we are gonna turn
his life around. Right, champ?
405
00:16:00,085 --> 00:16:01,336
You said it, Dad.
406
00:16:01,420 --> 00:16:02,838
All right! You ready for school?
407
00:16:02,921 --> 00:16:04,840
Yeah. Hey, can I drive today?
408
00:16:04,923 --> 00:16:07,050
Oh, this kid! He's only 13.
409
00:16:07,134 --> 00:16:08,635
I know. I was just kidding.
410
00:16:08,719 --> 00:16:13,140
Oh. We got
a young Adam Sandler here, I think.
411
00:16:13,307 --> 00:16:14,516
Right?
412
00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:16,351
- Right?
- Yes.
413
00:16:20,606 --> 00:16:22,024
- Bye, Mom.
- Bye!
414
00:16:22,107 --> 00:16:24,526
All right, kids.
Have a good day at school.
415
00:16:26,028 --> 00:16:28,697
Hey, Dylan. Have a great day at school.
416
00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:31,241
Thanks, Dad. Hey. Knock-knock.
417
00:16:31,325 --> 00:16:33,160
- Who's there?
- You're there.
418
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,287
I'll always be there, Dylan.
419
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:41,376
Crudely painted,
not-so-funny, plywood cutout folk art.
420
00:16:41,460 --> 00:16:43,837
Crudely painted,
not-so-funny, plywood cutout folk art.
421
00:16:43,921 --> 00:16:46,590
Crudely painted,
not-so-funny, plywood cutout folk art.
422
00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:49,176
Hi! I'm Al Harrington
of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving
423
00:16:49,259 --> 00:16:51,595
Inflatable, Arm-Flailing
Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium.
424
00:16:51,762 --> 00:16:53,514
As an unwanted result of a recent lawsuit,
425
00:16:53,597 --> 00:16:55,516
I am now in possession
of hundreds of palettes
426
00:16:55,599 --> 00:16:56,934
of crudely painted, not-so-funny
427
00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:58,310
plywood cutout folk art,
428
00:16:58,393 --> 00:16:59,937
and it's just waiting to transform
429
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:02,648
your uncut, trash-strewn lawn
into a living canvas
430
00:17:02,731 --> 00:17:05,025
that tells passers-by, "Hey, everyone,
431
00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:06,777
"a real funny bugger lives here."
432
00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:08,278
Your neighbors will chuckle warmly,
433
00:17:08,362 --> 00:17:10,030
and motorists will slow down and applaud
434
00:17:10,113 --> 00:17:11,907
when they cast their eyes
on such favorites as...
435
00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:13,700
Sort-of Benand Jerry's-Looking Cow.
436
00:17:13,784 --> 00:17:15,536
Black Silhouetted CowboyLeaning on Barn,
437
00:17:15,619 --> 00:17:17,037
and everybody's favorite,
438
00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:19,039
Fat Woman Bending Over
Tending to Her Garden
439
00:17:19,122 --> 00:17:20,624
in Big, Polka-Dotted Bloomers.
440
00:17:20,749 --> 00:17:22,334
Most of this stuff is priced to move
441
00:17:22,417 --> 00:17:24,503
and until it does,
it's an enormous fire hazard,
442
00:17:24,628 --> 00:17:27,256
so please, come see me,
on Route 2 in Weekapaug.
443
00:17:27,339 --> 00:17:29,591
Look for
the Sort-of Benand Jerry's Cow out front!
444
00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:31,760
We interrupt this program
to bring you grim news
445
00:17:31,844 --> 00:17:33,178
out of LaGuardia Airport,
446
00:17:33,262 --> 00:17:36,223
where a 767 has been forced
to make a crash landing.
447
00:17:36,306 --> 00:17:38,517
Oh, man, I tell you,
now that I'm a parent,
448
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:39,977
I can't even watch stories like that.
449
00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:41,854
I just think, you know, I just think,
450
00:17:41,937 --> 00:17:44,147
"Oh, my God,
what if Dylan were on that plane?"
451
00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:46,149
Oh, my God, oh,
I just don't know what I would do.
452
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:47,276
I don't know what I would do.
453
00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:48,360
Yeah, yeah, I understand.
454
00:17:48,443 --> 00:17:50,320
- That'd be tough.
- Oh, oh, no. Oh, no.
455
00:17:50,404 --> 00:17:51,405
No, no. No, no, no.
456
00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:53,949
Quagmire, no. You do not understand.
457
00:17:54,032 --> 00:17:58,161
Until you have a child...
Until you have a child,
458
00:17:58,495 --> 00:18:00,747
you do not understand. Okay?
459
00:18:00,831 --> 00:18:01,832
Damn it.
460
00:18:01,915 --> 00:18:03,709
It's been like this all week.
Watch this...
461
00:18:03,792 --> 00:18:06,628
Hey, Brian, what would you do
if Dylan fell out a window?
462
00:18:06,712 --> 00:18:07,838
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
463
00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:09,131
I don't even want to think about that.
464
00:18:09,214 --> 00:18:10,299
I don't even want to think about that.
Oh, God.
465
00:18:10,382 --> 00:18:11,925
Oh, my God. Oh, no.
466
00:18:12,009 --> 00:18:13,760
Brian, what would you do
if Dylan was in a fire?
467
00:18:13,844 --> 00:18:15,596
Oh, my God. Oh, no.
Oh, my God. Oh, that's...
468
00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:17,055
Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no.
469
00:18:17,139 --> 00:18:18,265
Knock on wood, knock on wood.
Knock on wood.
470
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:19,683
Oh, I can't hear any more of this.
471
00:18:21,393 --> 00:18:23,645
Peter, your dog is giving me diabetes.
472
00:18:23,729 --> 00:18:25,230
Oh, boy, you're not kidding.
473
00:18:25,314 --> 00:18:27,107
I tell you, I wish that old hag of Brian's
474
00:18:27,191 --> 00:18:28,901
had never even told him he had a kid.
475
00:18:28,984 --> 00:18:31,195
Well, wait a minute, Peter.
Maybe that's the answer.
476
00:18:31,278 --> 00:18:32,905
You just gotta
get his mother to take him back.
477
00:18:32,988 --> 00:18:34,448
How the hell am I supposed to do that?
478
00:18:34,531 --> 00:18:35,908
She's an idiot redneck, Peter.
479
00:18:35,991 --> 00:18:37,326
Tricking her should be easier
480
00:18:37,409 --> 00:18:39,453
than escaping from Canadian Alcatraz.
481
00:18:40,621 --> 00:18:41,997
Can I go through here?
482
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,207
Just be back by bedtime.
483
00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:44,291
Okay.
484
00:18:48,754 --> 00:18:50,923
Lunch is ready, everyone.
485
00:18:51,006 --> 00:18:52,216
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, Lois.
486
00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:53,675
This is... this is white bread.
487
00:18:53,759 --> 00:18:54,801
Yeah. So?
488
00:18:54,885 --> 00:18:56,303
Well, don't we have any
of that whole-grain stuff?
489
00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:58,138
No. This was cheaper.
490
00:18:58,222 --> 00:19:00,599
I just... I just... I don't want
Dylan eating white bread.
491
00:19:00,682 --> 00:19:03,477
Brian, there's nothing wrong
with it. Our kids eat...
492
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:06,230
Lois, Lois,
I do not want Dylan eating white bread.
493
00:19:06,313 --> 00:19:07,940
Brian, I promise you, it's fine.
494
00:19:08,023 --> 00:19:09,566
Lois. Lois, Lois.
495
00:19:09,650 --> 00:19:11,944
I will decide what is best
for my child, all right?
496
00:19:12,027 --> 00:19:13,570
Look, will you take it easy?
497
00:19:13,654 --> 00:19:16,114
And, and, I do not want
to have this conversation
498
00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:17,449
in front of my son.
499
00:19:17,533 --> 00:19:19,576
Okay, you know what? That's it, Brian.
500
00:19:19,660 --> 00:19:21,912
Feed him whatever you want.
Tell... tell you what.
501
00:19:21,995 --> 00:19:24,122
Go up to my jewelry box,
take my gold jewelry.
502
00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:26,834
Melt it down.
Make it into bread and feed him that.
503
00:19:26,917 --> 00:19:28,043
That good enough?
504
00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:29,962
Gold bread good enough for your Dylan?
505
00:19:30,671 --> 00:19:32,047
Hey, everybody!
506
00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:34,508
Look who's back to pick up her son.
507
00:19:34,591 --> 00:19:36,301
This isn't The Price is Right.
508
00:19:36,385 --> 00:19:38,929
You said we were going
to The Price is Right.
509
00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:40,305
Peter. What the hell is this?
510
00:19:40,389 --> 00:19:41,807
Mom, what are you doing here?
511
00:19:41,890 --> 00:19:43,308
Tracy wants Dylan back.
512
00:19:43,392 --> 00:19:45,227
Don't you want Dylan back, Tracy?
513
00:19:45,310 --> 00:19:48,313
- What a joyous family reunion.
514
00:19:48,397 --> 00:19:49,523
Isn't this great, Brian?
515
00:19:49,606 --> 00:19:51,191
Now Dylan can go back with his mom,
516
00:19:51,275 --> 00:19:53,318
and you can stop acting
like such a jackass.
517
00:19:53,402 --> 00:19:55,279
So that's what this is all about, huh?
518
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:56,947
I must say, you have been
519
00:19:57,030 --> 00:19:58,991
a little insufferable lately, Brian.
520
00:19:59,074 --> 00:20:01,285
We just want the old you back, that's all.
521
00:20:01,368 --> 00:20:03,120
Look. All right. Okay, maybe I have been
522
00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:04,788
acting different lately, all right?
523
00:20:05,330 --> 00:20:07,457
But that's only because
I've truly connected
524
00:20:07,541 --> 00:20:09,168
with the one bit of flesh and blood
525
00:20:09,251 --> 00:20:10,627
that I have on this earth.
526
00:20:10,961 --> 00:20:13,297
And I have no intention of giving that up.
527
00:20:14,089 --> 00:20:15,632
Who wants a half-and-half?
528
00:20:15,716 --> 00:20:17,301
Oh, I'll throw my hat into that ring.
529
00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:18,927
Wait a minute, Dad.
530
00:20:19,011 --> 00:20:20,596
I think maybe I should go with her.
531
00:20:20,679 --> 00:20:22,598
What? Dylan, why?
532
00:20:22,681 --> 00:20:24,349
Look at her. She needs me...
533
00:20:24,641 --> 00:20:26,018
a lot more than you do.
534
00:20:26,101 --> 00:20:28,979
But we were just starting
to make a real connection.
535
00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:30,981
Listen. I'll always be grateful to you
536
00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:34,318
for turning my life around,
but now, thanks to you,
537
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:37,196
I finally have a chance
to transform my mom's life
538
00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:39,156
in the same way you transformed mine.
539
00:20:39,907 --> 00:20:40,991
Wow.
540
00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:44,244
You know, I guess a dad
couldn't ask for more than that.
541
00:20:44,870 --> 00:20:46,872
I'm proud of you, Dylan.
542
00:20:46,955 --> 00:20:49,625
My life will never be
the same for knowing you.
543
00:20:50,167 --> 00:20:51,793
Good-bye and...
544
00:20:52,002 --> 00:20:53,003
good luck.
545
00:20:53,086 --> 00:20:54,213
Good-bye, Dad.
546
00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:57,966
Come on, Mom. Let's go.
547
00:20:59,384 --> 00:21:00,761
Bye. Thanks for coming.
548
00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:06,475
I'm gonna miss that boy.
549
00:21:08,310 --> 00:21:10,145
You know, I just finally figured it out.
550
00:21:10,229 --> 00:21:12,356
She looks like a really hot Tim Russert.
551
00:21:12,940 --> 00:21:13,941
Right?
552
00:21:14,107 --> 00:21:15,484
- Right?
- Yes.
40660
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