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It seems today that all you see
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00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:08,133
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
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00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:11,803
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:14,890
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,973 --> 00:00:18,101
Lucky there's a family guy
6
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Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
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All the things that make us
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Laugh and cry!
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He's a family guy!
10
00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:36,370
And now back to G.I. Jose.
11
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Hey, guys,
let's go swim in the old quarry.
12
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- Yeah!
- Wait a minute, kids.
13
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Don't go swimming in that quarry.
It's dangerous!
14
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Wow! Thanks, G.I. Jose.
15
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Hey, you guys wanna buy some gum,
or cotton candy, or a stuffed animal?
16
00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:55,430
How about an inflatable mallet, huh?
This is fun.
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You can hit your friend
on the head with it.
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But don't hit him on the head with it.
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Yeah, thanks.
I don't really need any of that stuff.
20
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You got any dents
you need hammered out?
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G.I. Jose!
22
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Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
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Coming up, important traffic news
that can't help you
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00:01:14,867 --> 00:01:16,785
because you're someplace where a TV is.
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But first, get ready, Quahog,
26
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:21,039
because Barry Manilow will
be performing this weekend
27
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at the Quahog Performing Arts Center.
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Barry Manilow.
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00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:26,628
- What a joke.
- So stupid.
30
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- And boring as hell.
- Yeah, no kidding.
31
00:01:28,881 --> 00:01:30,757
You couldn't pay me to go to that thing.
32
00:01:30,841 --> 00:01:33,427
Hey, you know what we should do?
We should go just as a goof.
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00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:36,346
- That'd be hilarious.
- Yeah, just look at all the idiots.
34
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:39,016
- All the dumb ass Manilow fans.
- Yeah.
35
00:01:40,309 --> 00:01:42,060
I mean, he's got, like, one good song.
36
00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:46,148
- Yeah, I mean, Mandy is not terrible.
- Yeah, the opening's okay.
37
00:01:46,398 --> 00:01:50,944
- And I guess you can't hate Copacabana.
- Yeah, if you're in the right mood.
38
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:52,487
Daybreak is a good song.
39
00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:54,323
- Oh, yeah.
- That's a good song.
40
00:01:54,406 --> 00:01:57,034
- And I like Weekend in New England.
- Yeah, that's a good one.
41
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,744
- Looks Like We Made It.
- Yeah, it's not bad.
42
00:01:58,827 --> 00:01:59,995
Right?
43
00:02:01,205 --> 00:02:02,372
I love Barry Manilow.
44
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:05,125
- Oh, my God, he's the best!
- I have everything he's ever recorded!
45
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- Me, too! In my car!
- We have to go to that concert.
46
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We are going to that concert.
47
00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:12,716
And I'm...
48
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:18,055
Ready to take a chance again
49
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:22,893
Ready to put my love on the line
50
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:24,895
With you
51
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:30,234
Been living with nothing to show for it
52
00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:34,738
You get what you get when you go for it
53
00:02:35,030 --> 00:02:39,493
And I'm ready
to take a chance again
54
00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:44,331
With you
55
00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:51,547
Thank you. Thank you very much.
56
00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:52,673
You're welcome.
57
00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:54,424
For this next song,
I'm gonna need some help
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00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:58,595
from a member of the audience.
So, let's see. What's your name?
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00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:01,515
- Claire.
- No, I don't like that.
60
00:03:01,598 --> 00:03:03,642
- What's yours?
- Harriet.
61
00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,060
No, it's gotta be two syllables.
62
00:03:05,143 --> 00:03:06,186
- Peter!
- Cleveland!
63
00:03:06,270 --> 00:03:08,021
- Joseph! Joseph!
- Quagmire!
64
00:03:08,105 --> 00:03:09,398
Wow, that's exotic.
65
00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:11,859
All right, why don't you come up
and join me on the stage?
66
00:03:11,942 --> 00:03:13,861
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Oh, my God!
67
00:03:13,944 --> 00:03:16,905
- Oh, my God, oh, my God!
- I hate you so much right now!
68
00:03:16,989 --> 00:03:20,450
The night goes into morning
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00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,995
Just another day
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00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:27,332
Happy people pass my way
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00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:32,838
Looking in their eyes, I see a memory
72
00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:37,634
I never realized how happy you made me
73
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,094
Oh, Quagmire
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00:03:39,178 --> 00:03:40,220
Oh!
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Well, you came
And you gave without taking
76
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:44,808
I would never take from you, Barry.
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But I sent you away
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00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:49,271
Oh, Quagmire
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00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:53,984
You kissed me
And stopped me from shaking
80
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,944
And I need you today
81
00:03:56,028 --> 00:03:58,739
Oh, Quagmire
82
00:03:59,031 --> 00:04:00,574
God, he's so talented.
83
00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:03,118
You know, he wrote all those
Kentucky Fried Chicken jingles.
84
00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:04,453
I don't care for them.
85
00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:07,497
Not after what happened
to Foghorn Leghorn.
86
00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:10,709
I say, I say, son,
what do we got brewing in here?
87
00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:12,878
I was walking by
when I picked up the smell
88
00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:13,962
of 11 herbs and spices...
89
00:04:15,672 --> 00:04:17,424
Look at that boy,
90
00:04:17,508 --> 00:04:20,552
running all around like a chicken
with its head cut... Wait a minute.
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00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:26,600
ANNOUNCER:
This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
92
00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:30,729
One day only.
Lasik Eye Centers will heal your eyes.
93
00:04:30,812 --> 00:04:32,940
How much would you pay
for laser eye surgery?
94
00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:37,694
$500, $700, $10,000?
95
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,821
How about $12?
96
00:04:39,905 --> 00:04:45,077
Dr. Lee Feldstein. Fully licensed,
fully trained, fully Jewish!
97
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:46,161
Jewish!
98
00:04:46,245 --> 00:04:49,623
So come on down to the Hydrox Arena
this Sunday, Sunday!
99
00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:52,960
Get your eyesight fixed.
Unless you don't have the balls.
100
00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,629
Jewish!
101
00:04:55,712 --> 00:04:58,757
Hey, I could use some Jew eye surgery.
102
00:04:58,841 --> 00:05:01,218
What the hell? Where's my wallet?
103
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:04,054
Aw, crap, I must've dropped it
at the Barry Manilow concert.
104
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,765
Dropped it at the what? And where was I?
105
00:05:07,558 --> 00:05:10,102
Peter, you and your excuses
for losing your wallet.
106
00:05:10,185 --> 00:05:12,688
"I dropped it at the concert."
"The hooker took it."
107
00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:14,982
- "It's with my other family."
- That one was true.
108
00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:18,318
And let me tell you something,
they appreciate me for who I am.
109
00:05:18,402 --> 00:05:21,363
All right, Peter,
have a good business trip.
110
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:27,953
Taxi!
111
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:35,377
- Who's hungry?
- Yeah! Mommy's home!
112
00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:38,255
Hello, dear. I'm so glad you're home.
113
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,091
While you were away,
I tried to do the laundry.
114
00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:42,593
Your favorite shirt.
115
00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:45,637
Adam Kenneth Handleman,
when will you learn?
116
00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:55,147
Oh, my God, Peter,
your Visa bill is $16,000!
117
00:05:55,230 --> 00:05:57,357
Somebody's been using your credit card.
118
00:05:57,441 --> 00:05:59,484
Didn't you cancel it
when you lost your wallet?
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00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:00,819
I hear what you're saying, Lois,
120
00:06:00,903 --> 00:06:04,990
but unlike my credit card,
I'm carrying a very low rate of interest.
121
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,284
Let me see that.
122
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:11,413
A big screen TV, a massage chair
from Sharper Image, plane tickets...
123
00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:14,416
Peter, someone has obviously stolen
your credit card.
124
00:06:14,499 --> 00:06:15,751
Well, here's the good news, Brian.
125
00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:18,504
Whoever the thief is, he's spending less
than my wife.
126
00:06:19,671 --> 00:06:22,883
Wait, look at this.
He eats at House of Chung every day.
127
00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:24,343
House of Chung, eh?
128
00:06:24,426 --> 00:06:26,845
Come on, let's go, Brian.
I'm gonna get revenge.
129
00:06:26,929 --> 00:06:28,680
Just like I did against that pigeon
that pooped on my car.
130
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:33,560
Oh!
131
00:06:35,646 --> 00:06:38,899
That's right. Get it nice and clean.
132
00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:44,947
The place is packed.
133
00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:46,949
How are we gonna figure out
who has your credit card?
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00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:48,617
I got it, Brian. Smell my ass.
135
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:49,993
- What?
- Smell my ass.
136
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,203
It's where I keep my wallet.
137
00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:53,288
Get the scent and then find the guy
that smells like me.
138
00:06:53,372 --> 00:06:55,457
- Peter, that's ridiculous.
- Come on, boy, get the scent.
139
00:06:55,541 --> 00:06:56,792
- Cut it out!
- Get a good sniff.
140
00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:59,044
That's disgusting.
You're an idiot, you know that?
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00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:00,587
Wait a minute.
142
00:07:02,506 --> 00:07:03,674
Your wallet's over there.
143
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,847
Oh, my God, it's you!
144
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,348
James Woods.
145
00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:16,311
Hello, Peter. I've been expecting you.
146
00:07:16,395 --> 00:07:18,647
You stole my credit card,
you son of a bitch.
147
00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:19,857
What did I ever do to you?
148
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,567
That's a good question, Peter.
149
00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:25,779
What did you ever do to me?
What did you ever do to James Woods?
150
00:07:25,863 --> 00:07:28,782
Well, I locked you in a wooden crate
and forgot to put an air hole in it.
151
00:07:28,866 --> 00:07:31,577
- Forgot to put an air hole in it.
- Well, you kind of had it coming.
152
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:33,745
Look, Mr. Woods,
just give Peter back his wallet.
153
00:07:33,829 --> 00:07:35,831
Oh, no, Brian. I'm just getting started.
154
00:07:35,914 --> 00:07:39,543
Peter, you humiliated me.
You put me through hell.
155
00:07:39,626 --> 00:07:42,171
And now you're gonna pay for it.
156
00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:44,882
So get ready.
157
00:07:46,758 --> 00:07:49,261
Oh! That kung pao chicken smells good.
You smell that, Brian?
158
00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:50,387
All I can smell is your ass.
159
00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:57,227
Lois, we found the guy
who stole my wallet.
160
00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:59,938
- You'll never guess who it was.
- James Woods?
161
00:08:00,022 --> 00:08:01,690
Hello, stranger.
162
00:08:02,357 --> 00:08:04,860
I don't recall inviting you into my home.
163
00:08:04,943 --> 00:08:07,321
Peter, he's been here for four hours.
164
00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:10,032
I told him to leave,
but he keeps saying he lives here.
165
00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:11,575
I say, this is more uncomfortable
166
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:14,119
than having James Brady
at a cocktail party.
167
00:08:14,369 --> 00:08:15,996
All right, so I got my handgun
168
00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:20,417
and I'm just randomly firing it
into a crowd of people, and then...
169
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:23,587
- And then what?
- And... Nothing. Nothing.
170
00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:26,340
No, no, I'm anxious to hear
the conclusion of your story.
171
00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:29,968
It's stupid. Stupid story.
172
00:08:30,552 --> 00:08:32,638
- I'm calling the police.
- That won't be necessary.
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00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:33,764
I already did.
174
00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:40,521
Hello, Officer. Would you be kind enough
to remove this trespasser from my home?
175
00:08:40,604 --> 00:08:42,272
What are you talking about?
This is my house.
176
00:08:42,356 --> 00:08:45,609
No, this house belongs to Peter Griffin.
And that's me.
177
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:46,777
Hmm.
178
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:52,157
Driver's license, Social Security card,
passport, title to the house.
179
00:08:52,241 --> 00:08:54,034
This puts me in a tough spot.
180
00:08:54,117 --> 00:08:57,871
Joe, you can't possibly believe this.
You know who Peter is.
181
00:08:57,955 --> 00:09:00,707
I know, Lois,
but this man has all the paperwork.
182
00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:02,584
Oh, come on, this is identity theft.
183
00:09:02,668 --> 00:09:06,004
I hate to have to do this,
but I'm afraid legally I have no choice.
184
00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:07,923
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, sir.
185
00:09:08,006 --> 00:09:10,843
Thanks, Joe. Clam later?
We'll hoist a few?
186
00:09:10,926 --> 00:09:12,427
- Sure, Peter.
- Joe!
187
00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:16,306
Hey, not so fast, pal.
Those are my clothes.
188
00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:19,309
- Oh, come on.
- You heard him, fella. Take 'em off.
189
00:09:19,393 --> 00:09:21,520
Right down to the poop sack.
190
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:25,357
What? You don't all wear a poop sack?
191
00:09:25,941 --> 00:09:29,278
Damn it, Bonnie!
You lied to me about the poop sack!
192
00:09:34,533 --> 00:09:37,536
Hello, family. Hello, honey.
193
00:09:39,121 --> 00:09:41,707
Stop calling me that.
I don't care what the law says,
194
00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:44,668
you're not Peter Griffin,
you're James Woods.
195
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:48,505
I should've warned you,
she can be a real bitch in the morning.
196
00:09:48,589 --> 00:09:51,133
Mom, this is really weird.
I want Dad back.
197
00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:54,428
I don't.
Having a celebrity dad is a real thrill.
198
00:09:54,511 --> 00:09:57,890
Not like the fake thrill of running
into your ex-girlfriend on the street.
199
00:09:58,557 --> 00:10:00,976
- Rob? Hey!
- Hey! How are you?
200
00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:03,770
- God, it's good to see you.
- Good to see you, too.
201
00:10:03,854 --> 00:10:06,565
How's my dog? I'm... I'm sorry, your dog?
202
00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:09,818
- Oh, I had to give him away.
- Gave him away!
203
00:10:09,902 --> 00:10:11,904
- Well, Dave's allergic.
- Dave!
204
00:10:11,987 --> 00:10:15,407
All right, so there's a Dave.
That's great. God, Dave sounds great.
205
00:10:15,490 --> 00:10:19,077
Yeah, he is. And his parents are so sweet.
206
00:10:19,161 --> 00:10:22,039
Met his parents and they're sweet.
Just older Daves, huh?
207
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:25,501
What a family. God, it's good to see you.
208
00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:27,419
You won't get away with this, Woods.
209
00:10:27,503 --> 00:10:30,339
You know, you're not supposed
to be in the house, Brian.
210
00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:33,217
- You're more of an outdoor dog.
- What the hell does that mean?
211
00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:35,010
This is so humiliating.
212
00:10:35,093 --> 00:10:36,303
For God's sake, I went to Brown
213
00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:38,597
and he's got me out here
tied to a post like some kind...
214
00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:43,101
What the hell?
215
00:10:43,185 --> 00:10:46,271
This rope was a lot longer,
and now it's somehow gotten shorter.
216
00:10:46,355 --> 00:10:47,940
What sort of black magic is this?
217
00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:49,399
Brian, guess what?
218
00:10:49,483 --> 00:10:53,070
I gave James Woods your novel to read,
and you're not gonna believe this.
219
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,989
- Really? Did he like it?
- He wants to option it and make a movie!
220
00:10:56,073 --> 00:10:57,908
- Really?
- No, he didn't really respond to it.
221
00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:01,745
Oh. Listen, I need your help.
Run inside and get me a pair of scissors.
222
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:03,038
- No.
- Why not?
223
00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:05,332
Because you made me watch that video
with the two girls and a cup.
224
00:11:06,875 --> 00:11:09,253
- Okay, wait, so what is this now?
- Just watch.
225
00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:11,171
- Why are we taping my reaction?
- Just... Just watch.
226
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,508
Okay. They're lesbians, clearly.
227
00:11:16,301 --> 00:11:17,886
I don't know...
228
00:11:19,263 --> 00:11:23,016
I don't know what else... Wait. Wait.
229
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:29,189
Wait... What? What? No!
230
00:11:30,691 --> 00:11:31,733
No!
231
00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:39,324
What is wrong with you? Oh, my God!
232
00:11:43,787 --> 00:11:48,417
Oh, I'm never gonna be able
to eat ice cream... Oh, my God! Oh!
233
00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,546
Oh, my God!
234
00:11:57,634 --> 00:12:01,805
Oh, that is disgusting! Oh, my God!
235
00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:06,977
Oh, can you imagine if two dudes did that?
Oh, my God, that'd be even worse!
236
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,938
I mean, like, would that...
Would that even exist?
237
00:12:10,022 --> 00:12:13,108
I mean, like,
where would you even find that?
238
00:12:13,192 --> 00:12:15,068
Let's type it in and see what comes up.
239
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,821
So, you can just rot out here, Brian.
240
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,157
Brian, what are you doing
tied to Meg's pole?
241
00:12:20,449 --> 00:12:21,491
Peter, you got to get out of here.
242
00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:23,202
If James Woods sees you,
he's gonna call the cops.
243
00:12:23,285 --> 00:12:24,286
I miss my family, Brian,
and I gotta see them.
244
00:12:26,872 --> 00:12:30,501
Well, well. A trespasser on my property.
245
00:12:30,584 --> 00:12:31,919
That's the worst thing
that's happened to me since...
246
00:12:33,128 --> 00:12:35,297
- You wouldn't!
- It's up to you, Peter.
247
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:38,967
Either you leave now,
or I set up one of your random flashbacks.
248
00:12:39,051 --> 00:12:40,344
All right, all right, all right. Okay.
249
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:44,014
- Peter, what do you care...
- No, no, Brian, he's serious.
250
00:12:49,144 --> 00:12:50,562
I'll come back for you, Lois.
251
00:12:50,646 --> 00:12:53,524
And I'll set up all the flashbacks,
just like I used to.
252
00:12:53,607 --> 00:12:54,983
Like the time I swallowed that midget,
253
00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:57,319
who played Mini-Me,
just so I could make you laugh.
254
00:12:57,819 --> 00:13:00,113
- You ready for dinner, Peter?
- Oh, yeah.
255
00:13:00,197 --> 00:13:04,910
In fact, my stomach has been
talking to me all day.
256
00:13:06,245 --> 00:13:10,207
I said, my stomach has been
talking to me all day.
257
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,126
Come on, say the line.
258
00:13:13,210 --> 00:13:15,003
Oh, oh, there he is.
259
00:13:15,087 --> 00:13:18,674
You know what, he slipped into my colon.
Yeah, damn it, he's smothered.
260
00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:20,926
But let me just ask you this, Lois,
261
00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:24,012
if my stomach had said,
"Hell, yeah, I'm hungry!
262
00:13:24,096 --> 00:13:25,514
"How about some pork chops?"
263
00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:28,892
- Would you have thought that was funny?
- Not really.
264
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,645
Well, then,
this has been an absolute misfire.
265
00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:36,942
Oh, this is just awful.
266
00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:41,363
James Woods is destroying this family,
and all just to get back at Peter.
267
00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:44,324
I know, he's doing all the stuff
Dad usually does.
268
00:13:44,408 --> 00:13:46,702
Right now he's upstairs talking to Meg.
269
00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:50,247
Now, Meg, you want to be thin
like all the Hollywood starlets, right?
270
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,832
Yeah, but I love to eat.
271
00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:54,418
Well, I've got a way
that you can eat all you want
272
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:56,587
and look like a Hollywood starlet.
273
00:13:56,670 --> 00:14:00,257
Meg, let me introduce you to Mr. Pukey.
274
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,718
- Hiya, Meg.
- Hi.
275
00:14:02,801 --> 00:14:06,471
Gosh, Mr. Pukey, you sure are good
at making fat women hot.
276
00:14:06,555 --> 00:14:08,182
Wow, thanks.
277
00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:10,434
You think you could help out
my friend Meg here?
278
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:13,520
Yeah, I think I could give her a hand.
279
00:14:21,195 --> 00:14:25,115
Now close your eyes, Meg,
and let Mr. Pukey help you out.
280
00:14:26,992 --> 00:14:28,243
Whoa!
281
00:14:28,327 --> 00:14:31,163
When did Reese Witherspoon get here?
282
00:14:35,834 --> 00:14:39,004
Mr. Woods, how do I get a girl to like me?
283
00:14:39,087 --> 00:14:41,840
Oh, Chris, I'm your father. Call me Dad.
284
00:14:42,591 --> 00:14:47,471
Okay, Dad. How do I get a girl to like me?
285
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:50,098
Well, there's a number of ways, Chris.
286
00:14:50,182 --> 00:14:54,436
For example,
Heather Graham and I had a mutual friend,
287
00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,439
and he threw a punch social one day
and we both happened to be there.
288
00:14:57,523 --> 00:15:01,068
Next thing you know,
we're both in the back room, slam-bang.
289
00:15:01,151 --> 00:15:02,194
I went bareback, babe.
290
00:15:02,277 --> 00:15:05,405
- Wow, she sounds like a class act.
- Oh, not at all, Chris. No, not at all.
291
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:11,995
What am I gonna do, Brian?
292
00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:14,706
James Woods has taken my life
and my family.
293
00:15:14,790 --> 00:15:17,793
I know, Peter, but identity theft
is one of the hardest things to fight.
294
00:15:17,876 --> 00:15:20,087
- How you gonna handle it?
- I don't know, Brian.
295
00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:24,716
All I know is, I sure do miss Lois.
I gotta find a way to see her.
296
00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:28,595
And I think I just got an idea.
297
00:15:28,679 --> 00:15:31,390
A much better idea
than when I did magic for the blind.
298
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:35,894
- Is this your card?
- I don't know.
299
00:15:35,978 --> 00:15:38,981
- Was it a red card?
- I don't know what red is.
300
00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:41,859
Ta-da.
301
00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:46,989
You know what's amazing, Lois?
302
00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:50,951
A week from tomorrow,
it'll be 20 years we've been married.
303
00:15:51,034 --> 00:15:56,290
- I married Peter Griffin, you lunatic!
- Hello. I was there, see?
304
00:15:58,333 --> 00:16:02,421
Hi, everyone. Sorry I'm late.
I brought a friend home for dinner.
305
00:16:03,589 --> 00:16:05,132
Mom, Dad, this is Scooter.
306
00:16:06,925 --> 00:16:09,052
Uh... Hello, Scooter.
307
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:10,637
- Hi, Scooter.
- Hey, everybody.
308
00:16:10,721 --> 00:16:14,099
Sure is swell of you to have me over.
What's for eats, Mrs. G?
309
00:16:14,183 --> 00:16:17,644
Meatloaf, Pete... I mean, Scooter.
I hope you like it.
310
00:16:17,728 --> 00:16:20,063
Leaping lizards, meatloaf is my favorite.
311
00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:21,982
Scooter, how come
we've never met you before?
312
00:16:22,065 --> 00:16:23,233
Shut up, Meg.
313
00:16:23,317 --> 00:16:26,653
You know, Scooter,
we don't allow hats at the dinner table.
314
00:16:26,737 --> 00:16:28,739
- Oh, my bad, Mr. G.
- Dad, no!
315
00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:30,657
Aha! I should have known!
316
00:16:30,741 --> 00:16:33,869
Get out of my house right now,
son of a bitch!
317
00:16:54,389 --> 00:16:58,018
Well, that's it, Brian. I guess he's won.
318
00:16:58,101 --> 00:17:00,062
I guess he's Peter Griffin now.
319
00:17:00,145 --> 00:17:01,396
Wait a minute, Peter.
320
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:05,484
If he's Peter Griffin,
then that means you can be James Woods.
321
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,569
That's a great idea, Brian.
322
00:17:07,653 --> 00:17:10,447
If I was a famous movie star,
I wouldn't even want my family.
323
00:17:10,531 --> 00:17:13,700
No, no, Peter, I'm saying you can
do to him what he did to you.
324
00:17:13,784 --> 00:17:17,996
- You can ruin him.
- I'll do it, I'll be James Woods.
325
00:17:19,456 --> 00:17:22,668
From this day forth, I am James Woods.
326
00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:25,546
And I'll stick to that story,
even if nobody believes it.
327
00:17:25,796 --> 00:17:28,799
I'll tell you
what nobody believes in, ghosts.
328
00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:31,260
Where did Robinson Crusoe go
329
00:17:31,343 --> 00:17:34,096
With Friday on Saturday night
330
00:17:34,555 --> 00:17:35,848
Damn. Play me off, Johnny.
331
00:17:41,019 --> 00:17:43,564
You're probably wondering
why he's in hell.
332
00:17:43,647 --> 00:17:45,232
Johnny liked little boys.
333
00:17:50,028 --> 00:17:51,071
The question is, Brian,
334
00:17:51,154 --> 00:17:53,407
how am I gonna make people
think I'm James Woods?
335
00:17:53,490 --> 00:17:56,827
The same way he did, Peter.
Identity theft works both ways.
336
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:59,705
The first thing we're gonna do
is get you a perfect fake ID.
337
00:17:59,788 --> 00:18:01,248
I know a guy who does good work.
338
00:18:01,623 --> 00:18:04,793
You took a big risk coming here, man.
James Woods could be back any minute.
339
00:18:04,877 --> 00:18:08,547
- I know. How fast can you do it?
- As fast as Spider-Man when he gets laid.
340
00:18:09,047 --> 00:18:10,883
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
341
00:18:10,966 --> 00:18:13,635
That's never happened to me before.
It's just...
342
00:18:13,719 --> 00:18:15,929
You're so attractive,
and it's been a while.
343
00:18:16,013 --> 00:18:17,014
I'm gonna go.
344
00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:23,145
Welcome back to the program,
ladies and gentlemen.
345
00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:26,857
Please welcome our next guest,
Mr. James Woods. Oh, James.
346
00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:32,738
- Wait a minute, you're not James Woods.
- Oh, I believe I am.
347
00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:35,908
Driver's license, Social Security card,
American Express.
348
00:18:36,158 --> 00:18:37,534
What the hell is he doing?
349
00:18:37,618 --> 00:18:39,745
Wow, I guess you are James Woods.
350
00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:42,956
So, now, let me understand this,
what are you here to promote, James?
351
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:47,002
Well, Dave, I have a hilarious new movie
coming out on HBO next month.
352
00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:48,378
It's all about 9/11.
353
00:18:48,462 --> 00:18:51,548
The movie's called
September 11, 2000-Fun.
354
00:18:52,883 --> 00:18:55,761
No! No, no, no, no!
355
00:18:55,969 --> 00:18:59,014
James, that sounds unbelievably offensive
to Americans.
356
00:18:59,097 --> 00:19:01,225
Well, you haven't heard
what the movie is about.
357
00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:05,437
I play a window washer who has
just finished washing the last window
358
00:19:05,521 --> 00:19:06,772
of the World Trade Center.
359
00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:08,899
And then I turn around
to get off the scaffold,
360
00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:11,693
and what do you think I see coming?
A plane.
361
00:19:11,777 --> 00:19:13,529
And I go, "Come on!"
362
00:19:14,071 --> 00:19:16,240
You know, it's real,
real old-style comedy.
363
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:19,076
You know, it's like two pies in the face,
364
00:19:19,159 --> 00:19:20,827
and one in a field in Pennsylvania.
365
00:19:20,911 --> 00:19:23,163
James, I don't want to hear any more
about this.
366
00:19:23,247 --> 00:19:25,123
And the voice of the plane is David Spade.
367
00:19:25,332 --> 00:19:28,627
What? I would never
work with David Spade!
368
00:19:28,836 --> 00:19:30,379
That dwarf! That skinny chicken .
369
00:19:34,132 --> 00:19:36,218
Well, Brian, it's been a productive week.
370
00:19:36,301 --> 00:19:41,056
I think I've successfully destroyed
James Woods' reputation. Here it is.
371
00:19:41,265 --> 00:19:44,643
Well, our top story continues to be
the fall of actor James Woods,
372
00:19:44,726 --> 00:19:48,355
who almost overnight has gone
from America's most beloved celebrity
373
00:19:48,438 --> 00:19:50,023
to America's most hated pariah.
374
00:19:51,859 --> 00:19:53,485
You're in a lot of trouble, Griffin,
you .
375
00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:58,740
Oh, no, sir. You're Peter Griffin.
I'm James Woods.
376
00:19:58,824 --> 00:20:03,161
You ruined my reputation.
And now you are gonna pay for it.
377
00:20:03,245 --> 00:20:05,205
We're gonna settle this like men.
378
00:20:05,289 --> 00:20:08,375
All right, we'll settle it like men.
But not here.
379
00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:10,460
Meet me out in the alley in 20 minutes.
380
00:20:10,544 --> 00:20:13,630
I'll be there. You be there, too,
you little piece of stool.
381
00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:19,845
All right, Peter, I'm here. Where are you?
382
00:20:20,888 --> 00:20:25,601
Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh!
A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy.
383
00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:30,397
Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh!
A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy.
384
00:20:30,814 --> 00:20:34,610
Ooh! A piece of candy. Ooh!
A piece of candy. Ooh! A piece of candy.
385
00:20:37,446 --> 00:20:39,573
Okay, Brian,
next time let's remember this right away,
386
00:20:39,656 --> 00:20:41,158
because he's done this twice.
387
00:20:44,870 --> 00:20:48,582
Oh, Peter, we're so glad to have you back.
I missed you.
388
00:20:48,665 --> 00:20:50,167
I missed you, too, Lois.
389
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:54,588
- So, what happened to James Woods?
- Oh, he's being examined by top men.
390
00:20:54,671 --> 00:20:57,799
- Who?
- Top men.
31759
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