All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S06E06.Padre.De.Familia.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-XLUF_track3_[eng]

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry!

He's a family guy!

- Hello, I'm Tom Tucker.
- And I'm Diane Simmons, reporting live

from the 35th annual
Quahog Veteran's Day celebration.

And here comes the parade!

First up, a float from
the Veterans of Future Wars.

And here comes whackadoo film director,
Oliver Stone.

Oliver's here promoting his new movie,

Born on the Fourth of July 2:
Born on the Fifth of July,

which he promises will be even July-ier
than the original.

A dangerously insane human being.

And here comes the next float,
honoring uninjured veterans.

- Yeah!
- We rock!

Our wives stayed with us.

- Think fast!
- We did!

Mom, how come when we see these guys
on the street corner

you tell me not to stare at them,
and today that's all we're doing?

Because, Chris, as Americans,
we owe our lives to these veterans.

Hey, look, Lois,
"The John McCain Experience."

I wanna be President!

What is that?

And I'm proud to be an American
where at least I know I'm free

And I won't forget the men who died
who gave that right to me

And I'll gladly stand up next to you
and defend her still today

'Cause there ain't no doubt
I love this land

God bless the USA

Oh, my God! That was beautiful!
I am proud to be an American,

and I am going
to love my country like never before.

Anybody wanna see my Purple Heart?

- We now return to
- The Broken Condom.

- Hey, Lois, ready to go to dinner?
- Yeah, sure. Just let me grab my purse.

Okay, ready.

Ooh! On second thought, I got something
I gotta do back on Krypton.

I thought Krypton was destroyed.

I think we should see other people.

Good morning, my American family.

Peter, where did you get that suit?

My God, you look like
the Statue of Liberty's pimp.

This is how a patriot dresses, Lois.

Boy, I never knew it would feel this good
to love my country.

It's like loving God or a step-parent.

You never really feel them love you back,
but that's okay

because they got other stuff going on,
and you understand.

Peter, you do realize there's a difference
between loving America

and being swept up in post-9/11 paranoia.

Brian, are you suggesting that
9/11 didn't change everything?

What? No, I was just...

Because 9/11 changed everything, Brian.
9/11 changed everything.

Peter, you didn't even know
what 9/11 was until 2004.

Peter, what the hell are you doing?

Lois, I am doing my duty
as a patriotic American.

I'm sacrificing a goat to Toby Keith.

Peter, Toby Keith doesn't want to be fed.
Toby Keith wants to hunt.

Hey, listen,
don't tell me what Toby Keith wants.

I think I'm perfectly capable...

You're all doing such a great job,
I wanted to play you a song I wrote

about what America means to me.

When you say USA

I just say hooray

And if you're not from here

God's gonna hunt you down
and give you AIDS

USA!

Wow, Peter, you're really becoming
quite the patriot.

You bet I am. I just had my penis
tattooed to look like the space shuttle

and my nads tattooed to look
like launch exhaust.

That bastard!
That was my idea!

He stole it!
I was gonna do that to my penis!

Oh, well, maybe I can do something else.

Like, like, like the Space Needle.

Or a banana. Or a Sharpie.

I'm boring myself.
Guess I'll listen to some music.

'Cause I love a rainy night

Yeah, I love a rainy night

Man, that really makes me mad.

Illegal immigrants coming into
this country,

taking all the good jobs
away from Americans.

Well, I am gonna make sure people like
that stay out of Quahog from now on.

We are gonna patrol the borders and
keep this town as clean as a Jewish porno.

I own four apartment buildings.

Mmm...

I have central air.

Ohhh!

And a well-funded 401k.

Ahhh!

We are gonna have sex at some point!

All right, guys, it's gonna be a long
night of border patrol,

so I brought along Michael McDonald
to help us out.

How's he gonna help us?

He's gonna do back-up vocals for
everything we say.

How's he gonna know what we're saying?

How's he gonna know
what we're saying?

Is he gonna do it for all of us?

Is he gonna do it for all of us?

Yeah, I hired him for the night.

It costs, like, $2.50 an hour,
so don't skimp on the conversation.

...so don't skimp
on the conversation

That sounds nice.

Peter, why did you have
my acupuncturist arrested?

Because he was an illegal immigrant
and a threat to our national security.

He was an 85-year-old Korean Buddhist.

Or was he a supreme leader of Al Qaeda?

I guess we'll find out
if he ever gets a trial.

Peter, America was founded
by immigrants.

Everyone here is the descendant
of an immigrant.

They're a vital part of our society.

They are part of the Rebel Alliance
and a traitor. Take him away.

Peter, have you seen Stewie's
Speedy Gonzales video?

- He won't go to sleep without it.
- I threw it away.

What? What the hell, man?
I don't throw away your stuff!

- And where's my goat?
- Peter, why would you do that?

Because Speedy Gonzales is an immigrant
and a bad influence on our children.

So, I created his American equivalent,
Rapid Dave.

- I got you now, mouse.
- Yeah? Well, up yours, cat.

Quickly! Quickly! Quickly!
Run fast! Run fast! Quickly!

- Hey, Fuad, can I buy you a cup of coffee?
- Yes! Is funny because is free!

- Anyone can have!
- That's right.

- That's the joke.
- Oh, yes.

Why, you son of a bitch.

- Angela, I have a complaint.
- What is it, Griffin?

I think Fuad is an illegal immigrant,

and I cannot stand by while he steals
wages and opportunities from citizens.

I mean, this is an American company.

You don't see Nike or Microsoft
or General Motors or Ford or Boeing

or Coca-Cola or Kellogg's profiting from
non-American labor.

Is funny because they all do!

You have a point, Griffin. Maybe we should
run a company-wide check

to make sure all our personnel
are legal citizens.

Now you're talking, Angela.

This country needs more immigrants

like my cousin Peter the Pig
needs a new house.

PETER THE PIG:
I wouldn't do that, if I were you.

- What?
- I said, I wouldn't do that.

I said knock it off!

- Why?
- Because I just made stool in there,

and if you blow it down,
the whole woods is gonna stink.

Do you understand?
Do you understand me, sir?

- Peter, what brings you here?
- Hi, Mom.

Hey, there's a new policy at work

where everyone has to prove they're an
American, and I need my birth certificate.

Oh, dear. Peter, sit down.

I don't know how to tell you this,
but you weren't born in America.

- You were born in Mexico.
- What?

When I found out that your real father
was a drunken Irishman,

I went to Mexico
to terminate my pregnancy.

But God had other plans,
and you were born right there.

You were so beautiful, and I loved you,

but when I got back home, I was so afraid
of being judged by the community

that I never filled out the paperwork
to make you a citizen.

Mom, what are you saying?

Peter, as far as
the US government is concerned,

- you're an illegal Mexican immigrant.
- Holy crap!

Looks like I've got myself in a bind!
How will I get out of this one?

Stick around...

'Cause we've got Cleveland
and Quagmire, and Joe and Mort

And all your cartoon pals

Peter, how come you're not at work?

I got fired for being
an illegal immigrant.

Oh, dear. You know, Peter,
you can always take a citizenship test.

I mean, if Wilmer Valderrama passed,
it can't be that difficult.

Well, by that logic, Lois, it can't be
that difficult to nail Lindsay Lohan.

I don't think it is.

Oh! Well, good news there. All right,
you wanna head down to the INS?

So, give me the good news. Did I pass?

I'm afraid it doesn't look good for you,
Señor Griffin.

So far, you've failed everything,

including the "Behaving Like an American
at the Airport" test.

No, it wasn't bad. Yeah, I'm on the way
to the next plane now.

Yeah, I got a middle seat,
so I'm gonna see if I can switch.

Oh, a Sbarro!

I'm gonna get a big, fat piece of pizza
so I got something to stuff in my face

while I'm reading USA Today.

The only thing remaining is the oral test,
which I will administer here.

Now, question number one.
Who discovered America?

- Dick York?
- No.

Dick Sargent. It was Dick Sargent.

Question number two.
Complete this sentence.

"The land of the free
and the home of the blank."

- Home of the Whopper?
- You've got to be kidding me.

Mr. Griffin,
if you were truly an American,

you would know our national anthem.

Now, wait a minute!
He is too an American.

- We've been married for almost 20 years!
- Well, we hear that one a lot around here.

Course there's a very easy way
of detecting fraud.

Mr. Griffin, what is your wife's birthday?

Uh...

Give me another one.
Give me another one.

- Where is your wife's hometown?
- One more, one more.

What is your wife's
favorite outdoor activity?

Uh...

- Things an overcoat would say.
- I'm covered with water.

Things an umbrella would say.

- You wear me.
- Things a festive bow tie would say.

You wear me to keep you dry.

- Things Speed Stick would say.
- I keep your head dry.

- I said umbrella.
- It's not umbrella.

Peter, what if I said, "I keep your head
dry, you wear me in the bathroom"?

- Shower cap.
- There you go.

- Oh, man.
- Did you have fun?

- I had fun. Yeah.
- All right, we'll be back after this.

Peter, what are you gonna do about a job?

We can't just keep
eating into our savings.

I'll just have to find a job
for an illegal immigrant.

I can't believe this is happening
to our family.

It's taken us all by surprise, Meg.

Like that realistic original ending
to Dirty Dancing.

Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

I do, because I'm her father,
and she's 16. What are you, like 38?

Forty-one.

"Hotel maid wanted."

Sweet. I could do that.

Housekeeping.

- Housekeeping.
- Come back later, please.

- Housekeeping?
- Not now!

- Housekeeping.
- Go away.

- I come in anyway?
- No! Go away!

I come in anyway.

- Oh, my God!
- I said no!

- Okay, I clean?
- No! Get out of here!

- I clean now?
- No!

- I stay and watch?
- No!

- I get involved?
- What?

I get involved with lady?

- What do you think?
- Turn around.

- I don't think so.
- Okay.

- You lend me money?
- No.

You drive my grandmother
to doctor's appointment?

- No! No, I'm not doing that.
- I stick finger in your mouth?

Housekeeping?

- Okay.
- Okay.

"Nanny wanted."

Well, that sounds like a good job
for an immigrant.

Michael, did you hear the good news?
We're getting a new nanny.

Oh, Jane, I'm ever so excited.

Do you suppose
she'll be everything we've dreamed?

Oh, I do hope so.
I've always imagined the most beautiful...

Damn it!

Oh, Peter, you look exhausted!

I am, Lois.
Life as a Mexican immigrant is brutal.

Even after seven jobs and joining Menudo,
I only made 25 bucks.

Now, look, don't get upset,
but I've been so worried about you

- that I asked someone for help.
- Who?

- Hello, fat ass.
- Lois, immigrants don't take handouts.

They just take one DVD a month
from the house they're cleaning

until they have a respectable collection.

It's not a handout, it's a job.

Daddy employs lots of immigrants, and
he said you could work at the mansion.

Really? Well, thanks a lot,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.

I promise I won't let you down.

Well, they all do eventually.
Except for Noriega.

God bless him and his drug money.
I wish he were here today.

Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt!

Oh, look who it is!
Come here so I can give you a hug!

Come here so I can give you a hug!

- There they are.
- Hi, Mom.

- Hi, Grandma!
- Grandma!

I missed you.

Peter, I'm using you as a house immigrant,

so take my family's luggage
to their rooms,

and then go get settled
down at the servants' quarters.

Right away, Mr. Pewterschmidt, sir.

Daddy, we don't want
any special treatment.

We're here as a family,
and we're going to live as a family.

Are you serious? We come to a mansion,
and you want to live with the help?

That's like going to a strip club
on a Tuesday afternoon.

Is there anyone here
who hasn't had a c-section?

Oh, no.
That boy's ball fell out of the cup.

Oh, but it's okay, because the ball
is on a string and attached to the cup.

You must be the Griffins.
I am Gerardo, the head groundskeeper.

You must be exhausted. Come, come.
Let's get you to your new home.

- Hey, Señorita!
- You got nice bread dough legs!

I got a blank prescription pad!

See, this isn't so bad.

Not so bad? We're sharing a tool shed
with seven other families.

They're making the best of it.

Good morning, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
It's 8:00, and I'm ready for work.

Good. Have a seat.

- Drink that.
- What is it?

My blood.
I'm a diabetic, and I need you to test it.

- Isn't that dangerous?
- I don't know. Probably.

- I don't wanna.
- You work for me. Now, drink it.

- No!
- Drink my diabetic blood, Peter,

or you're fired.

I can't believe you really did that.
That's nasty. You're nasty.

Peter, how was your first day?

Horrible! I never worked
so hard in my life.

How the hell do you guys
do this every day?

- Immigrant life sucks.
- But, Peter, life in America is wonderful.

That is why we risk everything
to come here.

I don't know, Cheech. It seems like
a lot of work for no respect.

Peter, America is the land of opportunity.
There are tall buildings,

cheeseburgers and Fox's many hit comedy
series, including That '70s Show, and...

But let me ask you something.
Don't you miss your home?

Of course. We come to America
for financial opportunities, Peter,

but, someday, we will return to Mexico
because our heritage is rich and glorious.

Wait, wait, hang on a second. Are you
saying there's more to being Mexican

than working hard
and lusting after big asses?

There is, Peter. In fact, we are preparing
our Cinco de Mayo celebration.

As a Mexican,
you must experience it with us.

Well, kids, enjoy yourselves.
Cinco de Mayo is as Mexican as it gets.

Wow, this is awesome!

And later, I'm gonna go
lift free weights in a parking lot!

Oh, Peter, I'm so proud that you've
embraced these people as your own.

You've come a long way
from hating foreigners.

Well, Lois, life can surprise you
if you open your mind a little.

For example, I used to hate the Japanese,

but then I saw Lou Diamond Phillips
in Young Guns,

and now I don't hate them anymore.

Peter, I don't think that
Lou Diamond Phillips is Japanese.

Chinese, Japanese,
dirty knees, look at these.

Hey, what do you say
we get some of them burritos?

Oh, muñequita, I would love to feel
your mustache on my mustache.

Really? Well, there's a lot more body hair
where that came from.

Oh, well, then no thank you.

What the hell is going on here?
Why aren't you people working?

It's Cinco de Mayo, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Look, I don't care what day it is in
Mexico, in America we work on weekdays.

Now, do your jobs or I'll deport your
lazy asses back to the third world.

Wait a minute, hang on, everybody.

What he just said does not represent
the America that I know and love.

This country used to welcome our kind
with open arms,

but men like Carter Pewterschmidt
use us for cheap labor,

and then try to punish us when we
demand to be treated like human beings.

Well, no more!
Immigrants built this country,

and I say it's time for us
to take it back! Who's with me?

Could you say whole speech
again in Spanish?

What the hell is that?

Get out of the way, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
we are here to take what's ours.

Well, I mean, technically it's yours,
but we don't feel like you deserve it,

so we're calling it ours
and taking it anyway.

But, Peter, why would you want to harm
a fellow American citizen?

- What?
- All I have to do is make one call

to a friend of mine in Washington,
and he can push your paperwork through.

You'll officially be an American citizen.

Not good enough, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
I want citizenship for everyone here.

Peter, you do not have to do this.

Yes I do, Gerardo. This great land should
be everything to you that it is to me.

A land where a man is paid
a wage he can live on.

A land where we flush every time.

A land where 17 miles
is not walking distance.

A land where meals
are not purchased from a truck

and then eaten in a different truck.

All right, all right, you make your point.

It's getting a little offensive.

That's my only offer. Take it or leave it.

Peter, you must go.
We will find our own way.

I'll never forget you, Gerardo.

Boy, I sure am gonna miss Reynaldo,

but I'm glad I'm finally
an American again.

Being an immigrant
is a real pain in the ass.

I'm glad, too, Peter, but I did enjoy
learning about another culture.

Yeah, you know, so did I.
Well, I guess everything's back to normal.

Well, I guess
everything's back to normal

Oh, man, not this guy again.

Oh, man, not this guy again

Fart!