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1
00:00:01,418 --> 00:00:04,838
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:08,300
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:11,553
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:15,057
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:18,393
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:21,396
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:23,190
All the things
that make us
8
00:00:23,273 --> 00:00:24,983
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:29,530
He's a family guy
10
00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:36,578
Happy Birthday,
Mom!
11
00:00:36,662 --> 00:00:38,163
Oh, thank you, everybody.
12
00:00:38,247 --> 00:00:39,957
I know it's a little
self-centered,
13
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,042
but this is my favorite
day of the year.
14
00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:44,586
Here, Mom,
this is from me and Meg.
15
00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:47,589
Topol?
16
00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:49,132
The smoker's tooth polish?
17
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:51,176
Take the hint.
18
00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:54,888
Happy Birthday,
sweetheart.
19
00:00:54,972 --> 00:00:57,349
Lionel Ritchie's
Can't Slow Down?
20
00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:59,601
Great album, Lois.
Great album.
21
00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:02,312
I didn't know who I was
until I heard this album.
22
00:01:02,855 --> 00:01:04,690
I sometimes see you...
23
00:01:04,773 --> 00:01:06,984
Oh, God, Lionel.
24
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,069
You have been hurt.
25
00:01:09,152 --> 00:01:12,698
You have been hurt by somebody,
that much is clear.
26
00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:15,993
Who hurt you?
27
00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:17,828
Who hurt you?
28
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,121
Who hurt you? Who hurt you?
29
00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:20,664
Who hurt you?
30
00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,624
Oh, thank you all so much.
31
00:01:22,708 --> 00:01:24,209
What thoughtful gifts.
32
00:01:24,293 --> 00:01:25,961
Uh, Lois,
there's one more.
33
00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:28,213
Oh, Brian, you don't have
to give me anything.
34
00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:30,215
Oh. Well, give it back then.
35
00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:33,302
No, no, we have fun.
36
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,346
Oh, my God!
37
00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:38,348
Two tickets for a cruise?
38
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,517
Brian, this is wonderful.
39
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,144
- What the hell?
- You fink!
40
00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:43,270
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
41
00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:44,438
What is this?
42
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:45,981
We agreed on
a $20 limit.
43
00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:47,941
We set a cap,
you jerk.
44
00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:50,652
Are you trying to make us look
bad, you son of a bitch?
45
00:01:50,736 --> 00:01:52,237
Peter, what are
you angry about?
46
00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:54,031
You get to go on
a cruise with me.
47
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,199
- What?
- What?
48
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:57,117
Well, yeah, you
didn't think Brian
49
00:01:57,201 --> 00:01:58,785
meant for me to go
with him, did you?
50
00:01:58,869 --> 00:01:59,953
Great.
51
00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:02,414
This was a bigger waste of time
than Ringo's song-writing.
52
00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:05,250
Hey, guys.
I wrote a song.
53
00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:06,460
Oh, that's great.
54
00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:07,878
- Oh, good, Ringo.
- Fantastic.
55
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,004
You know what?
56
00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:11,131
I'm gonna put it...
right here.
57
00:02:11,215 --> 00:02:13,008
Right on the refrigerator.
58
00:02:13,258 --> 00:02:15,344
That way we'll get
to see it every day.
59
00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:16,929
All right.
60
00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:21,892
Now, you kids behave
yourselves
61
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:22,976
while we're away.
62
00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:24,228
Yeah, be good
till we get back,
63
00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:25,979
and Brian, stay
out of the cat box!
64
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:27,731
Stay out of the cat box!
65
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:29,608
Bye, you guys!
66
00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:31,693
Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad!
67
00:02:31,902 --> 00:02:33,570
Farewell, Brian,
I'm off to sea.
68
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:36,281
An hour from now,
I'll be surrounded by seamen.
69
00:02:36,532 --> 00:02:39,576
Sperm whales and seamen.
Ooh, a swallow.
70
00:02:39,785 --> 00:02:41,537
Stewie, Peter and Lois
aren't taking you with them.
71
00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:42,871
They've already boarded.
72
00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,459
Bye! Bye!
73
00:02:47,543 --> 00:02:51,547
Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye!
74
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,632
- Bye! Bye!
75
00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,342
No! No, you can't leave!
76
00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:57,427
Not without me!
I'm the baby!
77
00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:58,846
Oh, I haven't been
this disappointed
78
00:02:58,929 --> 00:03:00,305
since I saw The Lake House.
79
00:03:00,389 --> 00:03:03,058
See, the mailbox
is like a time portal.
80
00:03:03,141 --> 00:03:05,227
Everything Keanu Reeves
puts in there,
81
00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:07,271
Sandra Bullock gets
two years later.
82
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:16,029
Oh, my Hickory Farms package
is here.
83
00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:21,618
I'm sorry, but I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to bar you
84
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:24,162
from the aft section of the ship
for the rest of the cruise.
85
00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:25,914
We are so sorry.
86
00:03:25,998 --> 00:03:27,916
Peter, what the hell did
you think you were doing?
87
00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,002
Lois, it is called
the "Poop Deck."
88
00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:31,753
That is why I pooped there.
89
00:03:31,837 --> 00:03:32,963
You're disgusting.
90
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,464
And you're misleading.
91
00:03:38,010 --> 00:03:40,220
Boy, this is romantic,
isn't it, Lois?
92
00:03:40,304 --> 00:03:41,972
Oh, it sure is, sweetie.
93
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,725
Oh, I feel like that fat-ass
British girl from Titanic.
94
00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:46,101
What girl?
95
00:03:46,185 --> 00:03:47,561
The lead in Titanic,
96
00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:49,730
the one opposite
Leonardo DiCaprio.
97
00:03:49,813 --> 00:03:51,106
Sweetheart,
that was a guy.
98
00:03:51,190 --> 00:03:52,482
- What?
- That was a guy.
99
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:53,817
That was Philip
Seymour Hoffman.
100
00:03:54,026 --> 00:03:55,861
What? No, it wasn't.
101
00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:56,987
Yes, it was, honey.
102
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,697
It was Philip Seymour Hoffman.
103
00:04:00,032 --> 00:04:01,950
Look at you out here
on a big trip.
104
00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:06,914
What are you doing?
105
00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:09,666
I'll teach that hussy to go on
a boat ride without me.
106
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:12,044
When she returns,
I'm going to put bamboo splinters
107
00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:13,378
under all her fingernails.
108
00:04:13,462 --> 00:04:14,713
Then I'm gonna strip her down
109
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:16,423
- and tie her to the bed.
- Okay.
110
00:04:16,507 --> 00:04:18,342
Then I'm gonna make her crawl
on her hands and knees
111
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,886
while I drip hot candle wax
all over her back.
112
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:23,388
- Uh, and then what are you gonna do?
- Uh, let's see...
113
00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:25,807
Are you gonna shower her off
after all that candle wax?
114
00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:27,142
No, I'm gonna keep her filthy.
115
00:04:27,559 --> 00:04:29,228
Yeah, she's been a bad girl.
116
00:04:29,311 --> 00:04:31,480
And then I'm gonna gag her
with her own brassiere.
117
00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,650
- What?
- No, no, nothing, nothing.
118
00:04:34,733 --> 00:04:38,445
That's all part of your diabolical plan
to humiliate her.
119
00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:41,281
- Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated.
- Maybe you'll handcuff her?
120
00:04:41,365 --> 00:04:43,158
- She'll hate that.
- Then I shall do that as well!
121
00:04:43,242 --> 00:04:45,494
- And call her a bitch.
- Until I'm hoarse with rage!
122
00:04:45,577 --> 00:04:47,371
Maybe smack her ass
with a riding crop?
123
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:48,622
Yes, and then-- What?
124
00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:51,041
No, I mean, would, like--
That would show her.
125
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:54,336
Are you-- You're getting
some kind of sick sexual thrill
126
00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:56,171
- off this, aren't you?
- Who cares?
127
00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:57,464
You're not gonna
kill her anyway.
128
00:04:57,548 --> 00:04:59,174
You're gonna
bitch and moan,
129
00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:00,801
and then you're gonna
do what you always do.
130
00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:01,927
The minute Lois walks
through that door,
131
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,011
you're gonna forget
all about it,
132
00:05:03,095 --> 00:05:04,304
beg for your apple juice,
133
00:05:04,388 --> 00:05:06,306
go poop and fall asleep.
134
00:05:06,849 --> 00:05:08,600
God, he's right.
135
00:05:08,684 --> 00:05:10,686
I've got the same daily routine
as Dick Clark.
136
00:05:11,103 --> 00:05:13,188
Rupert, I've been all talk.
137
00:05:13,272 --> 00:05:14,982
So much time wasted.
138
00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:17,818
Well, no longer.
Lois is a dead woman!
139
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:20,487
I'll do to her what douche bags
did to the guitar.
140
00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:24,032
This is a song I wrote
last summer.
141
00:05:24,116 --> 00:05:27,035
It's called "Water."
142
00:05:28,704 --> 00:05:31,206
My hair is growing
143
00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:35,544
Growing all the time
144
00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:40,215
Look how sensitive I am
145
00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:45,304
'Cause my voice is so fine
146
00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:48,557
Every beer I've ever had
147
00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:51,977
Is on a shelf above my bed
148
00:05:55,063 --> 00:05:58,192
And sometimes
I put my speakers
149
00:05:58,275 --> 00:06:00,319
Facing out my window
150
00:06:09,912 --> 00:06:11,955
Peter, stop picking
your teeth.
151
00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:13,832
We're at the Captain's table.
152
00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:15,375
And that was the first time
153
00:06:15,459 --> 00:06:17,294
I saw the Northern Lights
at their peak.
154
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,963
And as I gazed, astonished,
155
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:22,382
at their lustrous brilliance,
156
00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:24,801
I turned to my first mate
and I said,
157
00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:28,931
"We are looking
into the very eyes of God."
158
00:06:29,181 --> 00:06:31,225
Oh, what a wonderful story.
159
00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,768
All right,
I got one for ya.
160
00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:34,853
So me and Lois are driving
up to Vermont
161
00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:36,480
- to get this abortion.
- Peter!
162
00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,524
Hang on. Hang on, Lois.
Don't ruin it.
163
00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:40,484
All right, so we're driving
up to get this abortion,
164
00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:42,110
and we get to
the abortion clinic,
165
00:06:42,194 --> 00:06:44,112
and the abortionist
has one hand.
166
00:06:44,196 --> 00:06:45,531
- Peter, for God's--
- Bah-bah-bah-bah.
167
00:06:45,614 --> 00:06:46,740
I'll tell it,
I'll tell it.
168
00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:48,408
So I turn to Lois
and I says,
169
00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:50,369
"You want to get
an abortion here?
170
00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:51,828
"You want to get
an abortion
171
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,372
"with the abortionist
having a stump hand?
172
00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:54,957
We can't get
an abortion here."
173
00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:56,500
So, we turned around
and went home,
174
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,001
and two-and-a-half
months later,
175
00:06:58,085 --> 00:06:59,169
our daughter
Meg was born.
176
00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:07,094
Okay, explain to me
exactly what I did wrong.
177
00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:10,055
Peter, that story was
completely inappropriate!
178
00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:13,058
Well, send me the crap to hell
for being nostalgic
179
00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:14,685
about the early years
of our marriage.
180
00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:16,728
You've totally ruined
this trip for me!
181
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:19,731
I am mortified to even show
my face around this ship!
182
00:07:19,815 --> 00:07:21,608
Hey, the captain's the one
who should be embarrassed.
183
00:07:21,692 --> 00:07:23,318
His story was gay.
184
00:07:23,402 --> 00:07:24,987
You're gay!
185
00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:53,974
- Hello, Mother.
- Stewie?
186
00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:57,144
What the hell are you--
How did you get here?
187
00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:59,521
Oh, there's a very
simple answer to that.
188
00:07:59,605 --> 00:08:01,064
You drove me here, Lois.
189
00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:03,108
With all the indignities
I've been forced to suffer
190
00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:05,861
day in and day out
under your matriarchal tyranny.
191
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,571
What are you-- What--
192
00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:09,615
What are you doing
with a gun?
193
00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:13,160
Something I should've done
a very long time ago.
194
00:08:45,651 --> 00:08:48,529
I did it!
I killed her! She's dead!
195
00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:53,408
Oh.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
196
00:08:53,492 --> 00:08:54,785
Mommy!
197
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,703
Mommy! Mommy!
198
00:08:56,787 --> 00:08:58,080
Oh, yeah, that's right.
199
00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:05,087
And finally, still no word
on the disappearance
200
00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:07,673
of Lois Griffin, housewife
and mother from Quahog
201
00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:10,050
who vanished from a cruise ship
six days ago.
202
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,510
Well folks, that's the news,
203
00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:15,138
and I am outta here!
204
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:17,391
Daddy, she's been
missing so long.
205
00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:19,268
Do you think
they'll ever find her?
206
00:09:19,351 --> 00:09:21,019
God, I hope so, Meg.
207
00:09:21,103 --> 00:09:22,938
Oh, yes,
I'm sure they'll find her.
208
00:09:23,021 --> 00:09:24,356
This is fantastic.
209
00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:26,191
Nobody suspects a thing.
210
00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:28,110
Ooh, listen to my voice,
that sounds cool.
211
00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,529
Hello!
212
00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:35,367
Pigs in space!
213
00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:37,619
Hi, Peter.
214
00:09:37,703 --> 00:09:40,080
Can I talk to you in
the kitchen for a second?
215
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:41,957
What is it, Joe?
216
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:43,709
Please tell me
Lois is alive.
217
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,211
It's been six days, Peter.
218
00:09:46,295 --> 00:09:49,131
I'm sorry,
but we had to call off the search.
219
00:09:49,214 --> 00:09:50,841
I'm afraid
you're just going
220
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:53,051
to have to accept
the fact that...
221
00:09:53,135 --> 00:09:54,344
she's gone.
222
00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:57,306
No!
223
00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:06,982
ANNOUNCER :
We now return to...
224
00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:08,734
Harrison Ford
Telling Random People
225
00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:10,402
He Wants His Family Back.
226
00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:12,905
- I want my family back!
- Okay.
227
00:10:12,988 --> 00:10:15,782
- Give me back my family!
- Get off me!
228
00:10:15,866 --> 00:10:17,743
I want my family back!
229
00:10:20,078 --> 00:10:22,247
- Hey, where've you been?
- Ah, I had another date.
230
00:10:22,331 --> 00:10:24,750
You know, I'm glad you're finally
putting yourself out there.
231
00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:26,543
Lois would've wanted you
to move on.
232
00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:28,462
Yeah, only this one
was kind of awkward.
233
00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:30,297
My date was a stick figure.
234
00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:34,676
So, I--
How would this work in bed?
235
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,470
Well, I can't do sex.
236
00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:38,347
But I can give you
a stick job.
237
00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:40,182
That, uh--
That sounds--
238
00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:42,100
Yes, it is very unpleasant.
239
00:10:42,434 --> 00:10:43,477
But the freakiest
240
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,020
was that date I had
with Bonnie.
241
00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:46,396
BONNIE:
Peter...
242
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,398
you don't know
how badly I need this.
243
00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:49,775
PETER:
I don't know, Bonnie,
244
00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:50,859
it's, it's just
a little weird.
245
00:10:50,943 --> 00:10:52,236
Joe's a friend of mine.
246
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:53,362
No, it's okay.
247
00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:54,905
I promise you,
it's okay.
248
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,949
Eh, I'm not sure.
249
00:10:57,032 --> 00:10:58,992
JOE:
It's okay, Peter.
250
00:10:59,076 --> 00:11:00,452
Just remember,
whatever you do,
251
00:11:00,536 --> 00:11:02,079
don't tell Chris I'm dating.
252
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,081
Peter, Lois has been
dead for a whole year.
253
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,791
You're gonna have
to tell him sometime.
254
00:11:05,874 --> 00:11:07,918
- Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh.
- Hi, Dad.
255
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:11,046
Did we get any mail from Mom
at the health spa today?
256
00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:12,214
Nope, sorry, Chris.
257
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:13,757
She said she's going
straight from the spa
258
00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:16,051
- right back to Europe.
- But I haven't seen Mom
259
00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:18,387
since she took me
back-to-school shopping.
260
00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:19,638
All right, sweetie,
261
00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,390
you ready to get
some new notebooks
262
00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:23,016
and protractors
and slacks?
263
00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,726
I want blue jeans.
264
00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:26,311
You're getting slacks!
265
00:11:28,981 --> 00:11:30,566
Here you go, Stewie.
266
00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:32,192
Finish your oatmeal,
and then I'll get you ready
267
00:11:32,276 --> 00:11:34,111
for our "Mommy and Me" class.
268
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,988
You know, Meg has
really flourished
269
00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:37,114
since Lois was murdered.
270
00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:38,615
What are you talking about?
271
00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:40,033
Lois's death was an accident.
272
00:11:40,242 --> 00:11:41,618
Which is just
what someone
273
00:11:41,702 --> 00:11:44,413
who pulled off the perfect murder
would want you to think.
274
00:11:44,496 --> 00:11:46,081
What the hell are you...
275
00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:48,750
Stewie, did you?
276
00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:50,002
Did you kill Lois?
277
00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,545
Of course I didn't, Brian.
278
00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:53,297
Remember what you said?
279
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:55,257
I'm all talk.
280
00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:57,509
I wouldn't possibly
go through with it.
281
00:11:57,593 --> 00:12:00,053
I'll just poop and fall asleep.
282
00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:02,347
My God, you did it.
283
00:12:02,431 --> 00:12:03,849
You actually did it.
284
00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:05,475
Oh God, I've really
screwed myself up here.
285
00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:06,685
Listen, could you reach
into my pocket
286
00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:08,395
and get the number
for that acupuncturist?
287
00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,647
You son of a bitch,
you killed Lois.
288
00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,399
Good luck proving that,
Brian.
289
00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:14,026
Seriously, that number?
290
00:12:14,109 --> 00:12:15,986
Well, I'm going to expose
you for what you are.
291
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,572
No matter what it takes,
you are gonna pay for this.
292
00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:20,449
You know, it's funny,
from this position,
293
00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:22,242
I can hear Meg upstairs.
294
00:12:23,535 --> 00:12:26,371
I'm going to pretend
you're the New York Knicks.
295
00:12:30,542 --> 00:12:32,085
Hey, put your wallets away,
guys.
296
00:12:32,169 --> 00:12:33,378
The drinks are on me.
297
00:12:33,462 --> 00:12:34,963
Well, that's awful nice, Peter.
298
00:12:35,047 --> 00:12:36,423
What's the occasion?
299
00:12:36,507 --> 00:12:38,592
Lois's life insurance
policy paid off.
300
00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:40,802
I got more money
than Barbara Streisand.
301
00:12:40,886 --> 00:12:42,679
Honey, I'm going shopping.
302
00:12:45,641 --> 00:12:48,268
And I was going
to valet park.
303
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:51,480
I didn't know that you had life
insurance on Lois.
304
00:12:51,563 --> 00:12:53,398
Did you get that
right before the cruise?
305
00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:54,983
Actually, I got it
on the cruise.
306
00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:57,069
Right after we had
that big fight when I said,
307
00:12:57,152 --> 00:12:59,279
"I wish you were dead," right
before I never saw her again.
308
00:12:59,571 --> 00:13:00,822
Well, see you guys later.
309
00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:02,658
I got to go buy hot dogs.
310
00:13:02,741 --> 00:13:04,743
We keep running out
for some reason.
311
00:13:04,826 --> 00:13:07,829
Either of you guys think
it's a little suspicious
312
00:13:07,913 --> 00:13:10,499
that Peter took out a life
insurance policy on Lois
313
00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:12,709
right before she went missing?
314
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:14,127
You don't think...
315
00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:16,255
That fat bastard
murdered her, didn't he?
316
00:13:16,338 --> 00:13:17,714
That son of a bitch!
317
00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:19,842
He's a killer,
like Bernie Goetz!
318
00:13:19,925 --> 00:13:22,302
You know, the subway vigilante
from the eighties?
319
00:13:22,386 --> 00:13:25,472
I used to do a bit about him
back when I was doing standup.
320
00:13:25,556 --> 00:13:26,974
Ah, what else is in the news?
321
00:13:27,057 --> 00:13:28,141
Oh, oh, oh, Bernie Goetz.
322
00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:29,601
Did you hear about this?
323
00:13:29,685 --> 00:13:30,894
This guy Bernie Goetz
324
00:13:30,978 --> 00:13:32,729
shot a bunch of muggers
on the subway.
325
00:13:32,813 --> 00:13:34,106
Wouldn't mind having him
with me
326
00:13:34,189 --> 00:13:36,692
next time I go see
my mother-in-law.
327
00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:39,152
No, but really, New York City's
a great place to live...
328
00:13:39,236 --> 00:13:41,154
if you're a cockroach.
329
00:13:41,238 --> 00:13:42,865
- You suck!
- I know.
330
00:13:46,285 --> 00:13:47,744
Hey, Stewie,
I found this receipt
331
00:13:47,828 --> 00:13:49,663
for a speedboat rental
upstairs in your room.
332
00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:51,248
It's dated about
a year ago.
333
00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,166
Any idea how
it got there?
334
00:13:53,250 --> 00:13:55,502
Um, someone who rented a speedboat
must have left it there.
335
00:13:55,586 --> 00:13:57,921
Uh-huh. Well, you can play
innocent all you want.
336
00:13:58,005 --> 00:14:00,424
I am going to find the
evidence to put you away.
337
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:01,717
Starting by proving
338
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,552
that you were on
that cruise ship
339
00:14:03,635 --> 00:14:04,761
the night Lois disappeared.
340
00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:06,680
No, I wasn't.
341
00:14:06,805 --> 00:14:08,849
Ah, the carnival
with Rupert.
342
00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:11,476
We won! We won!
343
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:12,561
Do it again!
344
00:14:12,644 --> 00:14:14,188
Now I want a pink one!
345
00:14:14,271 --> 00:14:16,440
Stewie, we've been playing
for half an hour.
346
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:19,318
Oh, okay. You want to go ride
the tea bags... tea cups?
347
00:14:39,963 --> 00:14:43,175
I was hoping to keep these
mementos, Rupert,
348
00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:45,802
but I can't risk it with the dog
sniffing around for evidence.
349
00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:56,063
Damn! What the hell
are they doing here?
350
00:14:57,147 --> 00:14:58,690
What are we
looking for, Joe?
351
00:14:58,774 --> 00:15:00,817
Well, the trail
is pretty cold by now,
352
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:02,402
but if Peter did kill Lois,
353
00:15:02,486 --> 00:15:04,863
we might find some clues
in his garbage.
354
00:15:04,947 --> 00:15:07,491
Man, I haven't dug through these cans
since Lois died.
355
00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:10,035
Can't believe
it's been 12 months
356
00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:11,912
since I've deliberately
choked myself
357
00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:14,122
by stuffing her discarded
makeup sponges down my throat.
358
00:15:14,206 --> 00:15:16,041
What's wrong with you?
359
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:18,794
Oh, my God.
360
00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:23,340
That does look like
Peter's handwriting.
361
00:15:25,467 --> 00:15:27,261
There's no doubt anymore.
362
00:15:27,344 --> 00:15:29,304
Peter murdered his wife.
363
00:15:31,557 --> 00:15:32,558
This is fantastic!
364
00:15:32,641 --> 00:15:35,310
I'm completely off the hook!
365
00:15:35,394 --> 00:15:36,728
What the hell?
366
00:15:36,812 --> 00:15:39,857
Hey, little man,
tell Chris to open his window.
367
00:15:43,068 --> 00:15:48,448
Just around the corner
there's a rainbow in the sky
368
00:15:48,532 --> 00:15:51,660
So let's have
another cup of coffee
369
00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:55,622
And let's have
another piece of pie
370
00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,630
Joe, what the hell
is going on?
371
00:16:03,714 --> 00:16:05,674
You're a suspect
in Lois' murder,
372
00:16:05,757 --> 00:16:07,259
that's what's going on!
373
00:16:07,342 --> 00:16:08,594
Don't make us go good cop,
374
00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:11,096
developmentally disabled cop
on you.
375
00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:13,599
Um, we know that,
376
00:16:13,682 --> 00:16:17,144
um, you, um,
killed Lois.
377
00:16:18,896 --> 00:16:22,149
Um, hello?
378
00:16:22,232 --> 00:16:24,526
Uh...
379
00:16:24,610 --> 00:16:26,278
No.
380
00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:28,405
We can, um,
381
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:31,617
put you at the, um, scene
382
00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:34,953
where she, um, was,
um, killed.
383
00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:36,705
Hobey's right, Peter.
384
00:16:36,788 --> 00:16:38,165
It doesn't look good for you.
385
00:16:38,248 --> 00:16:39,875
Joe, you got this
all wrong!
386
00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:42,419
Like God did
when he made Rosie O'Donnell.
387
00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:45,672
You can't put
a vagina on this man!
388
00:16:45,756 --> 00:16:47,382
Why not?
I'm God.
389
00:16:47,466 --> 00:16:49,676
Well, what do you want to do
about the breasts?
390
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:53,055
Ah, take a couple out of the bin
we can't find matches for.
391
00:16:58,810 --> 00:17:02,397
I-I can't believe
Dad killed Mom.
392
00:17:04,274 --> 00:17:05,901
Look, there he is!
393
00:17:05,984 --> 00:17:07,653
Dad, how could you?
394
00:17:07,903 --> 00:17:09,655
Hey, Dad, if they
put you in jail,
395
00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:11,323
can we go in your room?
396
00:17:11,406 --> 00:17:13,283
Look, don't you kids buy
any of this for a second.
397
00:17:13,367 --> 00:17:14,701
Your father is innocent.
398
00:17:14,785 --> 00:17:16,537
Oh, he killed her.
399
00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:18,956
Just like the telephone killed
the telegraph sex business.
400
00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:20,290
- Hey, baby.
401
00:17:20,374 --> 00:17:22,125
I bet you're hot. Stop.
402
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:24,837
Describe to me what you're doing
to yourself right now. Stop.
403
00:17:26,171 --> 00:17:28,173
Oh, yeah.
404
00:17:28,257 --> 00:17:29,508
Oh, yeah...
405
00:17:29,591 --> 00:17:31,301
Oh, nasty!
406
00:17:32,469 --> 00:17:34,054
This trial is called to order.
407
00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:36,640
Defense Counsel, we will hear
your opening statement.
408
00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:40,561
Hey, everybody,
today's the big day.
409
00:17:40,644 --> 00:17:42,271
That's all, Your Honor.
410
00:17:42,354 --> 00:17:44,398
Good. Good.
411
00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:46,400
Prosecutor,
call your first witness.
412
00:17:46,483 --> 00:17:48,569
Peter called me right
after he killed my daughter
413
00:17:48,652 --> 00:17:50,529
to tell me he
killed my daughter.
414
00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:52,656
Really?
Well, that is interesting.
415
00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:54,408
Yes, and as a favor
to the court,
416
00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:55,993
I've produced
this simulation
417
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:57,452
of how the killing
transpired.
418
00:17:57,536 --> 00:17:59,913
I play Peter,
and I hired an Asian hooker
419
00:17:59,997 --> 00:18:02,374
to play my daughter.
420
00:18:02,457 --> 00:18:05,460
Lois, I'm fat and I'm stupid,
and I fart at times
421
00:18:05,544 --> 00:18:07,462
that ruin my father-in-law's
social occasions,
422
00:18:07,546 --> 00:18:08,964
and that's why I'm never
invited to them.
423
00:18:09,047 --> 00:18:10,674
You pay me now?
424
00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:18,515
Chris, have you ever seen
your father do anything bad?
425
00:18:18,599 --> 00:18:20,392
Well, now that you mention it...
426
00:18:27,357 --> 00:18:28,817
Hey, Meg.
427
00:18:28,901 --> 00:18:30,903
Proud of you!
428
00:18:30,986 --> 00:18:33,405
Mr. Griffin, do you deny
killing your wife?
429
00:18:33,488 --> 00:18:35,741
Of course I deny it.
I loved my wife.
430
00:18:35,824 --> 00:18:37,659
And I certainly think
I'd remember killing her.
431
00:18:37,743 --> 00:18:41,663
- Mr. Griffin, do you drink?
- I plead the fifth of Jack.
432
00:18:41,747 --> 00:18:44,249
No, no, I'm joking. Yes, I drink.
433
00:18:44,333 --> 00:18:46,335
And have you ever
struck your wife?
434
00:18:46,460 --> 00:18:48,545
Only in front of the kids
to assert my status
435
00:18:48,629 --> 00:18:50,130
as dominant male
of the pride.
436
00:18:50,214 --> 00:18:51,507
Are you a violent man?
437
00:18:51,590 --> 00:18:53,383
What are you,
a wise guy?
438
00:18:53,467 --> 00:18:55,802
'Cause I know how
to deal with wise guys.
439
00:18:55,886 --> 00:18:57,179
No further questions.
440
00:18:57,262 --> 00:18:58,555
You son of a bitch.
441
00:18:58,639 --> 00:19:00,933
If I had a gun on a boat,
I'd shoot you.
442
00:19:03,519 --> 00:19:06,355
Mr. Foreman,
how say you?
443
00:19:06,438 --> 00:19:08,232
We find Peter Griffin
444
00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:10,234
guilty of murder
in the first degree.
445
00:19:10,526 --> 00:19:12,152
- Oh, no!
- Oh, no!
446
00:19:12,236 --> 00:19:13,445
- Oh, no!
- Oh, no!
447
00:19:13,529 --> 00:19:15,656
- Oh, no!
- Oh, yeah!
448
00:19:21,286 --> 00:19:22,829
Okay, can I ask everyone
449
00:19:22,913 --> 00:19:25,707
to please stop saying,
"Oh, no" in this courtroom?
450
00:19:25,791 --> 00:19:27,668
'Cause the Kool-Aid
Guy's gonna keep showing up.
451
00:19:27,751 --> 00:19:29,628
Thank you.
452
00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:31,922
Mr. Griffin,
I hereby sentence you
453
00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:34,424
to life imprisonment
with no possibility of...
454
00:19:55,571 --> 00:19:57,614
Lois! You're alive!
455
00:19:58,156 --> 00:19:59,366
Mom, you're alive!
456
00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:00,993
Oh, my gosh, Mom!
457
00:20:01,076 --> 00:20:02,578
Lois, my God,
what happened?
458
00:20:02,661 --> 00:20:04,162
We thought you were dead!
459
00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:06,248
Mom, we thought
Dad killed you!
460
00:20:06,331 --> 00:20:08,250
No, he didn't, Chris.
461
00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:10,377
But someone tried to.
462
00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:12,087
Do you remember who it was?
463
00:20:12,171 --> 00:20:13,547
Yes, I do.
464
00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:15,549
It was Stewie!
33164
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