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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,418 --> 00:00:04,838 It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:08,300 Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:11,553 But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:15,057 On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:18,393 Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:21,396 Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:23,190 All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,273 --> 00:00:24,983 Laugh and cry 9 00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:29,530 He's a family guy 10 00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:36,578 Happy Birthday, Mom! 11 00:00:36,662 --> 00:00:38,163 Oh, thank you, everybody. 12 00:00:38,247 --> 00:00:39,957 I know it's a little self-centered, 13 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,042 but this is my favorite day of the year. 14 00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:44,586 Here, Mom, this is from me and Meg. 15 00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:47,589 Topol? 16 00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:49,132 The smoker's tooth polish? 17 00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:51,176 Take the hint. 18 00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:54,888 Happy Birthday, sweetheart. 19 00:00:54,972 --> 00:00:57,349 Lionel Ritchie's Can't Slow Down? 20 00:00:57,432 --> 00:00:59,601 Great album, Lois. Great album. 21 00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:02,312 I didn't know who I was until I heard this album. 22 00:01:02,855 --> 00:01:04,690 I sometimes see you... 23 00:01:04,773 --> 00:01:06,984 Oh, God, Lionel. 24 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,069 You have been hurt. 25 00:01:09,152 --> 00:01:12,698 You have been hurt by somebody, that much is clear. 26 00:01:14,157 --> 00:01:15,993 Who hurt you? 27 00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:17,828 Who hurt you? 28 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,121 Who hurt you? Who hurt you? 29 00:01:19,204 --> 00:01:20,664 Who hurt you? 30 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,624 Oh, thank you all so much. 31 00:01:22,708 --> 00:01:24,209 What thoughtful gifts. 32 00:01:24,293 --> 00:01:25,961 Uh, Lois, there's one more. 33 00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:28,213 Oh, Brian, you don't have to give me anything. 34 00:01:28,463 --> 00:01:30,215 Oh. Well, give it back then. 35 00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:33,302 No, no, we have fun. 36 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,346 Oh, my God! 37 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:38,348 Two tickets for a cruise? 38 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,517 Brian, this is wonderful. 39 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,144 - What the hell? - You fink! 40 00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:43,270 Hey, hey, hey, hey. 41 00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:44,438 What is this? 42 00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:45,981 We agreed on a $20 limit. 43 00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:47,941 We set a cap, you jerk. 44 00:01:48,025 --> 00:01:50,652 Are you trying to make us look bad, you son of a bitch? 45 00:01:50,736 --> 00:01:52,237 Peter, what are you angry about? 46 00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:54,031 You get to go on a cruise with me. 47 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,199 - What? - What? 48 00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:57,117 Well, yeah, you didn't think Brian 49 00:01:57,201 --> 00:01:58,785 meant for me to go with him, did you? 50 00:01:58,869 --> 00:01:59,953 Great. 51 00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:02,414 This was a bigger waste of time than Ringo's song-writing. 52 00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:05,250 Hey, guys. I wrote a song. 53 00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:06,460 Oh, that's great. 54 00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:07,878 - Oh, good, Ringo. - Fantastic. 55 00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:09,004 You know what? 56 00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:11,131 I'm gonna put it... right here. 57 00:02:11,215 --> 00:02:13,008 Right on the refrigerator. 58 00:02:13,258 --> 00:02:15,344 That way we'll get to see it every day. 59 00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:16,929 All right. 60 00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:21,892 Now, you kids behave yourselves 61 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:22,976 while we're away. 62 00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:24,228 Yeah, be good till we get back, 63 00:02:24,311 --> 00:02:25,979 and Brian, stay out of the cat box! 64 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:27,731 Stay out of the cat box! 65 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:29,608 Bye, you guys! 66 00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:31,693 Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad! 67 00:02:31,902 --> 00:02:33,570 Farewell, Brian, I'm off to sea. 68 00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:36,281 An hour from now, I'll be surrounded by seamen. 69 00:02:36,532 --> 00:02:39,576 Sperm whales and seamen. Ooh, a swallow. 70 00:02:39,785 --> 00:02:41,537 Stewie, Peter and Lois aren't taking you with them. 71 00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:42,871 They've already boarded. 72 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,459 Bye! Bye! 73 00:02:47,543 --> 00:02:51,547 Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! 74 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,632 - Bye! Bye! 75 00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,342 No! No, you can't leave! 76 00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:57,427 Not without me! I'm the baby! 77 00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:58,846 Oh, I haven't been this disappointed 78 00:02:58,929 --> 00:03:00,305 since I saw The Lake House. 79 00:03:00,389 --> 00:03:03,058 See, the mailbox is like a time portal. 80 00:03:03,141 --> 00:03:05,227 Everything Keanu Reeves puts in there, 81 00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:07,271 Sandra Bullock gets two years later. 82 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:16,029 Oh, my Hickory Farms package is here. 83 00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:21,618 I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to bar you 84 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:24,162 from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise. 85 00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:25,914 We are so sorry. 86 00:03:25,998 --> 00:03:27,916 Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing? 87 00:03:28,125 --> 00:03:30,002 Lois, it is called the "Poop Deck." 88 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:31,753 That is why I pooped there. 89 00:03:31,837 --> 00:03:32,963 You're disgusting. 90 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,464 And you're misleading. 91 00:03:38,010 --> 00:03:40,220 Boy, this is romantic, isn't it, Lois? 92 00:03:40,304 --> 00:03:41,972 Oh, it sure is, sweetie. 93 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,725 Oh, I feel like that fat-ass British girl from Titanic. 94 00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:46,101 What girl? 95 00:03:46,185 --> 00:03:47,561 The lead in Titanic, 96 00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:49,730 the one opposite Leonardo DiCaprio. 97 00:03:49,813 --> 00:03:51,106 Sweetheart, that was a guy. 98 00:03:51,190 --> 00:03:52,482 - What? - That was a guy. 99 00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:53,817 That was Philip Seymour Hoffman. 100 00:03:54,026 --> 00:03:55,861 What? No, it wasn't. 101 00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:56,987 Yes, it was, honey. 102 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,697 It was Philip Seymour Hoffman. 103 00:04:00,032 --> 00:04:01,950 Look at you out here on a big trip. 104 00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:06,914 What are you doing? 105 00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:09,666 I'll teach that hussy to go on a boat ride without me. 106 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:12,044 When she returns, I'm going to put bamboo splinters 107 00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:13,378 under all her fingernails. 108 00:04:13,462 --> 00:04:14,713 Then I'm gonna strip her down 109 00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:16,423 - and tie her to the bed. - Okay. 110 00:04:16,507 --> 00:04:18,342 Then I'm gonna make her crawl on her hands and knees 111 00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,886 while I drip hot candle wax all over her back. 112 00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:23,388 - Uh, and then what are you gonna do? - Uh, let's see... 113 00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:25,807 Are you gonna shower her off after all that candle wax? 114 00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:27,142 No, I'm gonna keep her filthy. 115 00:04:27,559 --> 00:04:29,228 Yeah, she's been a bad girl. 116 00:04:29,311 --> 00:04:31,480 And then I'm gonna gag her with her own brassiere. 117 00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,650 - What? - No, no, nothing, nothing. 118 00:04:34,733 --> 00:04:38,445 That's all part of your diabolical plan to humiliate her. 119 00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:41,281 - Yes, yes, she'll be humiliated. - Maybe you'll handcuff her? 120 00:04:41,365 --> 00:04:43,158 - She'll hate that. - Then I shall do that as well! 121 00:04:43,242 --> 00:04:45,494 - And call her a bitch. - Until I'm hoarse with rage! 122 00:04:45,577 --> 00:04:47,371 Maybe smack her ass with a riding crop? 123 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:48,622 Yes, and then-- What? 124 00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:51,041 No, I mean, would, like-- That would show her. 125 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:54,336 Are you-- You're getting some kind of sick sexual thrill 126 00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:56,171 - off this, aren't you? - Who cares? 127 00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:57,464 You're not gonna kill her anyway. 128 00:04:57,548 --> 00:04:59,174 You're gonna bitch and moan, 129 00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:00,801 and then you're gonna do what you always do. 130 00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:01,927 The minute Lois walks through that door, 131 00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,011 you're gonna forget all about it, 132 00:05:03,095 --> 00:05:04,304 beg for your apple juice, 133 00:05:04,388 --> 00:05:06,306 go poop and fall asleep. 134 00:05:06,849 --> 00:05:08,600 God, he's right. 135 00:05:08,684 --> 00:05:10,686 I've got the same daily routine as Dick Clark. 136 00:05:11,103 --> 00:05:13,188 Rupert, I've been all talk. 137 00:05:13,272 --> 00:05:14,982 So much time wasted. 138 00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:17,818 Well, no longer. Lois is a dead woman! 139 00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:20,487 I'll do to her what douche bags did to the guitar. 140 00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:24,032 This is a song I wrote last summer. 141 00:05:24,116 --> 00:05:27,035 It's called "Water." 142 00:05:28,704 --> 00:05:31,206 My hair is growing 143 00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:35,544 Growing all the time 144 00:05:37,421 --> 00:05:40,215 Look how sensitive I am 145 00:05:40,757 --> 00:05:45,304 'Cause my voice is so fine 146 00:05:45,721 --> 00:05:48,557 Every beer I've ever had 147 00:05:49,099 --> 00:05:51,977 Is on a shelf above my bed 148 00:05:55,063 --> 00:05:58,192 And sometimes I put my speakers 149 00:05:58,275 --> 00:06:00,319 Facing out my window 150 00:06:09,912 --> 00:06:11,955 Peter, stop picking your teeth. 151 00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:13,832 We're at the Captain's table. 152 00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:15,375 And that was the first time 153 00:06:15,459 --> 00:06:17,294 I saw the Northern Lights at their peak. 154 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,963 And as I gazed, astonished, 155 00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:22,382 at their lustrous brilliance, 156 00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:24,801 I turned to my first mate and I said, 157 00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:28,931 "We are looking into the very eyes of God." 158 00:06:29,181 --> 00:06:31,225 Oh, what a wonderful story. 159 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,768 All right, I got one for ya. 160 00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:34,853 So me and Lois are driving up to Vermont 161 00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:36,480 - to get this abortion. - Peter! 162 00:06:36,563 --> 00:06:38,524 Hang on. Hang on, Lois. Don't ruin it. 163 00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:40,484 All right, so we're driving up to get this abortion, 164 00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:42,110 and we get to the abortion clinic, 165 00:06:42,194 --> 00:06:44,112 and the abortionist has one hand. 166 00:06:44,196 --> 00:06:45,531 - Peter, for God's-- - Bah-bah-bah-bah. 167 00:06:45,614 --> 00:06:46,740 I'll tell it, I'll tell it. 168 00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:48,408 So I turn to Lois and I says, 169 00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:50,369 "You want to get an abortion here? 170 00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:51,828 "You want to get an abortion 171 00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,372 "with the abortionist having a stump hand? 172 00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:54,957 We can't get an abortion here." 173 00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:56,500 So, we turned around and went home, 174 00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,001 and two-and-a-half months later, 175 00:06:58,085 --> 00:06:59,169 our daughter Meg was born. 176 00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:07,094 Okay, explain to me exactly what I did wrong. 177 00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:10,055 Peter, that story was completely inappropriate! 178 00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:13,058 Well, send me the crap to hell for being nostalgic 179 00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:14,685 about the early years of our marriage. 180 00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:16,728 You've totally ruined this trip for me! 181 00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:19,731 I am mortified to even show my face around this ship! 182 00:07:19,815 --> 00:07:21,608 Hey, the captain's the one who should be embarrassed. 183 00:07:21,692 --> 00:07:23,318 His story was gay. 184 00:07:23,402 --> 00:07:24,987 You're gay! 185 00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:53,974 - Hello, Mother. - Stewie? 186 00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:57,144 What the hell are you-- How did you get here? 187 00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:59,521 Oh, there's a very simple answer to that. 188 00:07:59,605 --> 00:08:01,064 You drove me here, Lois. 189 00:08:01,148 --> 00:08:03,108 With all the indignities I've been forced to suffer 190 00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:05,861 day in and day out under your matriarchal tyranny. 191 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,571 What are you-- What-- 192 00:08:07,654 --> 00:08:09,615 What are you doing with a gun? 193 00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:13,160 Something I should've done a very long time ago. 194 00:08:45,651 --> 00:08:48,529 I did it! I killed her! She's dead! 195 00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:53,408 Oh. Ow! Ow! Ow! 196 00:08:53,492 --> 00:08:54,785 Mommy! 197 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,703 Mommy! Mommy! 198 00:08:56,787 --> 00:08:58,080 Oh, yeah, that's right. 199 00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:05,087 And finally, still no word on the disappearance 200 00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:07,673 of Lois Griffin, housewife and mother from Quahog 201 00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:10,050 who vanished from a cruise ship six days ago. 202 00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,510 Well folks, that's the news, 203 00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:15,138 and I am outta here! 204 00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:17,391 Daddy, she's been missing so long. 205 00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:19,268 Do you think they'll ever find her? 206 00:09:19,351 --> 00:09:21,019 God, I hope so, Meg. 207 00:09:21,103 --> 00:09:22,938 Oh, yes, I'm sure they'll find her. 208 00:09:23,021 --> 00:09:24,356 This is fantastic. 209 00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:26,191 Nobody suspects a thing. 210 00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:28,110 Ooh, listen to my voice, that sounds cool. 211 00:09:28,235 --> 00:09:30,529 Hello! 212 00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:35,367 Pigs in space! 213 00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:37,619 Hi, Peter. 214 00:09:37,703 --> 00:09:40,080 Can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second? 215 00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:41,957 What is it, Joe? 216 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:43,709 Please tell me Lois is alive. 217 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,211 It's been six days, Peter. 218 00:09:46,295 --> 00:09:49,131 I'm sorry, but we had to call off the search. 219 00:09:49,214 --> 00:09:50,841 I'm afraid you're just going 220 00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:53,051 to have to accept the fact that... 221 00:09:53,135 --> 00:09:54,344 she's gone. 222 00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:57,306 No! 223 00:10:05,314 --> 00:10:06,982 ANNOUNCER : We now return to... 224 00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:08,734 Harrison Ford Telling Random People 225 00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:10,402 He Wants His Family Back. 226 00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:12,905 - I want my family back! - Okay. 227 00:10:12,988 --> 00:10:15,782 - Give me back my family! - Get off me! 228 00:10:15,866 --> 00:10:17,743 I want my family back! 229 00:10:20,078 --> 00:10:22,247 - Hey, where've you been? - Ah, I had another date. 230 00:10:22,331 --> 00:10:24,750 You know, I'm glad you're finally putting yourself out there. 231 00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:26,543 Lois would've wanted you to move on. 232 00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:28,462 Yeah, only this one was kind of awkward. 233 00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:30,297 My date was a stick figure. 234 00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:34,676 So, I-- How would this work in bed? 235 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,470 Well, I can't do sex. 236 00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:38,347 But I can give you a stick job. 237 00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:40,182 That, uh-- That sounds-- 238 00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:42,100 Yes, it is very unpleasant. 239 00:10:42,434 --> 00:10:43,477 But the freakiest 240 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,020 was that date I had with Bonnie. 241 00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:46,396 BONNIE: Peter... 242 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,398 you don't know how badly I need this. 243 00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:49,775 PETER: I don't know, Bonnie, 244 00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:50,859 it's, it's just a little weird. 245 00:10:50,943 --> 00:10:52,236 Joe's a friend of mine. 246 00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:53,362 No, it's okay. 247 00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:54,905 I promise you, it's okay. 248 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,949 Eh, I'm not sure. 249 00:10:57,032 --> 00:10:58,992 JOE: It's okay, Peter. 250 00:10:59,076 --> 00:11:00,452 Just remember, whatever you do, 251 00:11:00,536 --> 00:11:02,079 don't tell Chris I'm dating. 252 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,081 Peter, Lois has been dead for a whole year. 253 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,791 You're gonna have to tell him sometime. 254 00:11:05,874 --> 00:11:07,918 - Shh-shh-shh-shh-shh. - Hi, Dad. 255 00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:11,046 Did we get any mail from Mom at the health spa today? 256 00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:12,214 Nope, sorry, Chris. 257 00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:13,757 She said she's going straight from the spa 258 00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:16,051 - right back to Europe. - But I haven't seen Mom 259 00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:18,387 since she took me back-to-school shopping. 260 00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:19,638 All right, sweetie, 261 00:11:19,721 --> 00:11:21,390 you ready to get some new notebooks 262 00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:23,016 and protractors and slacks? 263 00:11:23,100 --> 00:11:24,726 I want blue jeans. 264 00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:26,311 You're getting slacks! 265 00:11:28,981 --> 00:11:30,566 Here you go, Stewie. 266 00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:32,192 Finish your oatmeal, and then I'll get you ready 267 00:11:32,276 --> 00:11:34,111 for our "Mommy and Me" class. 268 00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,988 You know, Meg has really flourished 269 00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:37,114 since Lois was murdered. 270 00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:38,615 What are you talking about? 271 00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:40,033 Lois's death was an accident. 272 00:11:40,242 --> 00:11:41,618 Which is just what someone 273 00:11:41,702 --> 00:11:44,413 who pulled off the perfect murder would want you to think. 274 00:11:44,496 --> 00:11:46,081 What the hell are you... 275 00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:48,750 Stewie, did you? 276 00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:50,002 Did you kill Lois? 277 00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:51,545 Of course I didn't, Brian. 278 00:11:51,628 --> 00:11:53,297 Remember what you said? 279 00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:55,257 I'm all talk. 280 00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:57,509 I wouldn't possibly go through with it. 281 00:11:57,593 --> 00:12:00,053 I'll just poop and fall asleep. 282 00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:02,347 My God, you did it. 283 00:12:02,431 --> 00:12:03,849 You actually did it. 284 00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:05,475 Oh God, I've really screwed myself up here. 285 00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:06,685 Listen, could you reach into my pocket 286 00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:08,395 and get the number for that acupuncturist? 287 00:12:08,478 --> 00:12:10,647 You son of a bitch, you killed Lois. 288 00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:12,399 Good luck proving that, Brian. 289 00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:14,026 Seriously, that number? 290 00:12:14,109 --> 00:12:15,986 Well, I'm going to expose you for what you are. 291 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,572 No matter what it takes, you are gonna pay for this. 292 00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:20,449 You know, it's funny, from this position, 293 00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:22,242 I can hear Meg upstairs. 294 00:12:23,535 --> 00:12:26,371 I'm going to pretend you're the New York Knicks. 295 00:12:30,542 --> 00:12:32,085 Hey, put your wallets away, guys. 296 00:12:32,169 --> 00:12:33,378 The drinks are on me. 297 00:12:33,462 --> 00:12:34,963 Well, that's awful nice, Peter. 298 00:12:35,047 --> 00:12:36,423 What's the occasion? 299 00:12:36,507 --> 00:12:38,592 Lois's life insurance policy paid off. 300 00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:40,802 I got more money than Barbara Streisand. 301 00:12:40,886 --> 00:12:42,679 Honey, I'm going shopping. 302 00:12:45,641 --> 00:12:48,268 And I was going to valet park. 303 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:51,480 I didn't know that you had life insurance on Lois. 304 00:12:51,563 --> 00:12:53,398 Did you get that right before the cruise? 305 00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:54,983 Actually, I got it on the cruise. 306 00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:57,069 Right after we had that big fight when I said, 307 00:12:57,152 --> 00:12:59,279 "I wish you were dead," right before I never saw her again. 308 00:12:59,571 --> 00:13:00,822 Well, see you guys later. 309 00:13:00,906 --> 00:13:02,658 I got to go buy hot dogs. 310 00:13:02,741 --> 00:13:04,743 We keep running out for some reason. 311 00:13:04,826 --> 00:13:07,829 Either of you guys think it's a little suspicious 312 00:13:07,913 --> 00:13:10,499 that Peter took out a life insurance policy on Lois 313 00:13:10,791 --> 00:13:12,709 right before she went missing? 314 00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:14,127 You don't think... 315 00:13:14,211 --> 00:13:16,255 That fat bastard murdered her, didn't he? 316 00:13:16,338 --> 00:13:17,714 That son of a bitch! 317 00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:19,842 He's a killer, like Bernie Goetz! 318 00:13:19,925 --> 00:13:22,302 You know, the subway vigilante from the eighties? 319 00:13:22,386 --> 00:13:25,472 I used to do a bit about him back when I was doing standup. 320 00:13:25,556 --> 00:13:26,974 Ah, what else is in the news? 321 00:13:27,057 --> 00:13:28,141 Oh, oh, oh, Bernie Goetz. 322 00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:29,601 Did you hear about this? 323 00:13:29,685 --> 00:13:30,894 This guy Bernie Goetz 324 00:13:30,978 --> 00:13:32,729 shot a bunch of muggers on the subway. 325 00:13:32,813 --> 00:13:34,106 Wouldn't mind having him with me 326 00:13:34,189 --> 00:13:36,692 next time I go see my mother-in-law. 327 00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:39,152 No, but really, New York City's a great place to live... 328 00:13:39,236 --> 00:13:41,154 if you're a cockroach. 329 00:13:41,238 --> 00:13:42,865 - You suck! - I know. 330 00:13:46,285 --> 00:13:47,744 Hey, Stewie, I found this receipt 331 00:13:47,828 --> 00:13:49,663 for a speedboat rental upstairs in your room. 332 00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:51,248 It's dated about a year ago. 333 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,166 Any idea how it got there? 334 00:13:53,250 --> 00:13:55,502 Um, someone who rented a speedboat must have left it there. 335 00:13:55,586 --> 00:13:57,921 Uh-huh. Well, you can play innocent all you want. 336 00:13:58,005 --> 00:14:00,424 I am going to find the evidence to put you away. 337 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:01,717 Starting by proving 338 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,552 that you were on that cruise ship 339 00:14:03,635 --> 00:14:04,761 the night Lois disappeared. 340 00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:06,680 No, I wasn't. 341 00:14:06,805 --> 00:14:08,849 Ah, the carnival with Rupert. 342 00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:11,476 We won! We won! 343 00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:12,561 Do it again! 344 00:14:12,644 --> 00:14:14,188 Now I want a pink one! 345 00:14:14,271 --> 00:14:16,440 Stewie, we've been playing for half an hour. 346 00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:19,318 Oh, okay. You want to go ride the tea bags... tea cups? 347 00:14:39,963 --> 00:14:43,175 I was hoping to keep these mementos, Rupert, 348 00:14:43,258 --> 00:14:45,802 but I can't risk it with the dog sniffing around for evidence. 349 00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:56,063 Damn! What the hell are they doing here? 350 00:14:57,147 --> 00:14:58,690 What are we looking for, Joe? 351 00:14:58,774 --> 00:15:00,817 Well, the trail is pretty cold by now, 352 00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:02,402 but if Peter did kill Lois, 353 00:15:02,486 --> 00:15:04,863 we might find some clues in his garbage. 354 00:15:04,947 --> 00:15:07,491 Man, I haven't dug through these cans since Lois died. 355 00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:10,035 Can't believe it's been 12 months 356 00:15:10,118 --> 00:15:11,912 since I've deliberately choked myself 357 00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:14,122 by stuffing her discarded makeup sponges down my throat. 358 00:15:14,206 --> 00:15:16,041 What's wrong with you? 359 00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:18,794 Oh, my God. 360 00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:23,340 That does look like Peter's handwriting. 361 00:15:25,467 --> 00:15:27,261 There's no doubt anymore. 362 00:15:27,344 --> 00:15:29,304 Peter murdered his wife. 363 00:15:31,557 --> 00:15:32,558 This is fantastic! 364 00:15:32,641 --> 00:15:35,310 I'm completely off the hook! 365 00:15:35,394 --> 00:15:36,728 What the hell? 366 00:15:36,812 --> 00:15:39,857 Hey, little man, tell Chris to open his window. 367 00:15:43,068 --> 00:15:48,448 Just around the corner there's a rainbow in the sky 368 00:15:48,532 --> 00:15:51,660 So let's have another cup of coffee 369 00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:55,622 And let's have another piece of pie 370 00:16:01,795 --> 00:16:03,630 Joe, what the hell is going on? 371 00:16:03,714 --> 00:16:05,674 You're a suspect in Lois' murder, 372 00:16:05,757 --> 00:16:07,259 that's what's going on! 373 00:16:07,342 --> 00:16:08,594 Don't make us go good cop, 374 00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:11,096 developmentally disabled cop on you. 375 00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:13,599 Um, we know that, 376 00:16:13,682 --> 00:16:17,144 um, you, um, killed Lois. 377 00:16:18,896 --> 00:16:22,149 Um, hello? 378 00:16:22,232 --> 00:16:24,526 Uh... 379 00:16:24,610 --> 00:16:26,278 No. 380 00:16:26,361 --> 00:16:28,405 We can, um, 381 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:31,617 put you at the, um, scene 382 00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:34,953 where she, um, was, um, killed. 383 00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:36,705 Hobey's right, Peter. 384 00:16:36,788 --> 00:16:38,165 It doesn't look good for you. 385 00:16:38,248 --> 00:16:39,875 Joe, you got this all wrong! 386 00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:42,419 Like God did when he made Rosie O'Donnell. 387 00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:45,672 You can't put a vagina on this man! 388 00:16:45,756 --> 00:16:47,382 Why not? I'm God. 389 00:16:47,466 --> 00:16:49,676 Well, what do you want to do about the breasts? 390 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:53,055 Ah, take a couple out of the bin we can't find matches for. 391 00:16:58,810 --> 00:17:02,397 I-I can't believe Dad killed Mom. 392 00:17:04,274 --> 00:17:05,901 Look, there he is! 393 00:17:05,984 --> 00:17:07,653 Dad, how could you? 394 00:17:07,903 --> 00:17:09,655 Hey, Dad, if they put you in jail, 395 00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:11,323 can we go in your room? 396 00:17:11,406 --> 00:17:13,283 Look, don't you kids buy any of this for a second. 397 00:17:13,367 --> 00:17:14,701 Your father is innocent. 398 00:17:14,785 --> 00:17:16,537 Oh, he killed her. 399 00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:18,956 Just like the telephone killed the telegraph sex business. 400 00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:20,290 - Hey, baby. 401 00:17:20,374 --> 00:17:22,125 I bet you're hot. Stop. 402 00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:24,837 Describe to me what you're doing to yourself right now. Stop. 403 00:17:26,171 --> 00:17:28,173 Oh, yeah. 404 00:17:28,257 --> 00:17:29,508 Oh, yeah... 405 00:17:29,591 --> 00:17:31,301 Oh, nasty! 406 00:17:32,469 --> 00:17:34,054 This trial is called to order. 407 00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:36,640 Defense Counsel, we will hear your opening statement. 408 00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:40,561 Hey, everybody, today's the big day. 409 00:17:40,644 --> 00:17:42,271 That's all, Your Honor. 410 00:17:42,354 --> 00:17:44,398 Good. Good. 411 00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:46,400 Prosecutor, call your first witness. 412 00:17:46,483 --> 00:17:48,569 Peter called me right after he killed my daughter 413 00:17:48,652 --> 00:17:50,529 to tell me he killed my daughter. 414 00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:52,656 Really? Well, that is interesting. 415 00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:54,408 Yes, and as a favor to the court, 416 00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:55,993 I've produced this simulation 417 00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:57,452 of how the killing transpired. 418 00:17:57,536 --> 00:17:59,913 I play Peter, and I hired an Asian hooker 419 00:17:59,997 --> 00:18:02,374 to play my daughter. 420 00:18:02,457 --> 00:18:05,460 Lois, I'm fat and I'm stupid, and I fart at times 421 00:18:05,544 --> 00:18:07,462 that ruin my father-in-law's social occasions, 422 00:18:07,546 --> 00:18:08,964 and that's why I'm never invited to them. 423 00:18:09,047 --> 00:18:10,674 You pay me now? 424 00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:18,515 Chris, have you ever seen your father do anything bad? 425 00:18:18,599 --> 00:18:20,392 Well, now that you mention it... 426 00:18:27,357 --> 00:18:28,817 Hey, Meg. 427 00:18:28,901 --> 00:18:30,903 Proud of you! 428 00:18:30,986 --> 00:18:33,405 Mr. Griffin, do you deny killing your wife? 429 00:18:33,488 --> 00:18:35,741 Of course I deny it. I loved my wife. 430 00:18:35,824 --> 00:18:37,659 And I certainly think I'd remember killing her. 431 00:18:37,743 --> 00:18:41,663 - Mr. Griffin, do you drink? - I plead the fifth of Jack. 432 00:18:41,747 --> 00:18:44,249 No, no, I'm joking. Yes, I drink. 433 00:18:44,333 --> 00:18:46,335 And have you ever struck your wife? 434 00:18:46,460 --> 00:18:48,545 Only in front of the kids to assert my status 435 00:18:48,629 --> 00:18:50,130 as dominant male of the pride. 436 00:18:50,214 --> 00:18:51,507 Are you a violent man? 437 00:18:51,590 --> 00:18:53,383 What are you, a wise guy? 438 00:18:53,467 --> 00:18:55,802 'Cause I know how to deal with wise guys. 439 00:18:55,886 --> 00:18:57,179 No further questions. 440 00:18:57,262 --> 00:18:58,555 You son of a bitch. 441 00:18:58,639 --> 00:19:00,933 If I had a gun on a boat, I'd shoot you. 442 00:19:03,519 --> 00:19:06,355 Mr. Foreman, how say you? 443 00:19:06,438 --> 00:19:08,232 We find Peter Griffin 444 00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:10,234 guilty of murder in the first degree. 445 00:19:10,526 --> 00:19:12,152 - Oh, no! - Oh, no! 446 00:19:12,236 --> 00:19:13,445 - Oh, no! - Oh, no! 447 00:19:13,529 --> 00:19:15,656 - Oh, no! - Oh, yeah! 448 00:19:21,286 --> 00:19:22,829 Okay, can I ask everyone 449 00:19:22,913 --> 00:19:25,707 to please stop saying, "Oh, no" in this courtroom? 450 00:19:25,791 --> 00:19:27,668 'Cause the Kool-Aid Guy's gonna keep showing up. 451 00:19:27,751 --> 00:19:29,628 Thank you. 452 00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:31,922 Mr. Griffin, I hereby sentence you 453 00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:34,424 to life imprisonment with no possibility of... 454 00:19:55,571 --> 00:19:57,614 Lois! You're alive! 455 00:19:58,156 --> 00:19:59,366 Mom, you're alive! 456 00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:00,993 Oh, my gosh, Mom! 457 00:20:01,076 --> 00:20:02,578 Lois, my God, what happened? 458 00:20:02,661 --> 00:20:04,162 We thought you were dead! 459 00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:06,248 Mom, we thought Dad killed you! 460 00:20:06,331 --> 00:20:08,250 No, he didn't, Chris. 461 00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:10,377 But someone tried to. 462 00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:12,087 Do you remember who it was? 463 00:20:12,171 --> 00:20:13,547 Yes, I do. 464 00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:15,549 It was Stewie! 33164

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