All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S06E03.Believe.It.or.Not.Joes.Walking.On.Air.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-XLUF_track3_[eng]

It seems today
that all you see

Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things
that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return to Dr. Terry Fabulous,

homosexual gynecologist.

Okay, Mrs. Robinson, let's take a look.

Ew! It looks like a sad, old man.

Hey, check it out, you guys,

I got a new cell phone
that takes pictures.

Look, look, I took a picture
of Lois's poo.

Oh, that's hilarious,
you should e-mail that to me.

Hey, did you guys see
the game last night?

Oh, yeah.

That offensive line
is outstanding.

Yeah, you should e-mail me that picture.

- Hey, boys!
- What the hell are you guys doing here?

Oh, we just decided to have
a little girls' night out.

Yeah, you guys talk about
this place all the time,

we figured we'd
give it a try.

Bernice, we haven't really
been dating long enough

for you to be hanging out
with my friends' wives.

- Shut up, Cleveland.
- Okay.

Ooh, oh, check it out, girls!

Jukebox! Huh?

Hey, you guys want to dance?

- Yeah, totally!
- Hell yeah!

I will survive,
I will survive

Oh, my God, this sucks!

The Clam's the only place we got
to get away from the women.

This is a bigger disaster
than Jack Black's last movie.

TV ANNOUNCER:
We now return to Jack Black

in The Unconventional Butler.

Edgar,
could you bring me some tea?

Yeah!

- Yeah!
- Wait a minute.

Butlers are supposed
to be fancy and well-mannered.

This guy's screaming
and waving his arms around!

You're an old man!
You don't understand the young people.

You're right,
I'll change from now on.

Oh my God,
that was so much fun!

You know, boys,

we just might make this
our regular spot.

- Peter. Peter?
- Yeah, sorry, Joe, I, uh,

just had one of my Scrubs
fantasy moments.

It's the best show
you're not watching.

I hate shows that cut away

from the story for some bull crap.

Fellas, our way of life
is being threatened,

and we gotta do something about it.

Couldn't we just ask the women to leave?

No, no. I got something way more expensive

and time-consuming in mind.

Well, men, the Quahog Men's Club
is complete.

It took six weeks and cost $8,000,

but it was worth it.

Peter, I wish you'd
get rid of this thing.

- It's an absolute eyesore.
- What do you care, Lois?

You girls got the Clam,
we got the Quahog Men's Club.

Besides, we're not hurting anybody.

What are you talking about?

You ripped a whole chunk of wall
out of the house!

What is this?

There's something wrong
with the house!

I don't like change!

Peter, you can't just slap together

flimsy structures in the yard.

Why not? Herbert did it.

Y-M-C-A

It's fun to stay at the

Y-M-C-A

Mm.

All right, Peter, this is a tough one.

All right, are you ready for this?

Okay, would you have sex with Cleveland

if it meant you could have sex
with Angelina Jolie?

Uh...

Yeah, yeah, I'd probably do it.

Hang on, hang on... Missionary.

And you have to look him in the eye.

No closing your eyes and
pretending it's somebody else.

I think still yes.

Thank you, Peter.

All right, here's another one.

Who would you rather have sex with?

A very pregnant Gina Gershon

or Jenny McCarthy after a car accident?

Wait, hang on, hang on...

Look, you know,
I know this is a men's club,

but why does it always have
to be about sex?

Like, okay, look, how
about this, how about this:

who would you rather start
a small business with,

Janet Reno after a safari,

or the fat guy
from My Name is Earl?

- That still sounds like a sex question.
- It is not.

Well, then what the hell does
"safari" have to do with it?

What's the guy
from Earl's credit rating?

- 651.
- That's not bad.

- Better than mine.
- Does he have an idea,

or do I have to come up with it myself?

He's got an idea,
but it's not quite there.

I'd have to give it to Janet Reno,

'cause I've always had this
business plan

for home delivery
of prescription medications,

and that seems like
it's more her market.

This is stupid!

I want to talk about vaginas!

Well, I'd say the men's club
inaugural ball

is a huge success.

Hey, guys, let's play a party game.

Let's go stand over near Brian,

and we'll take a drink

every time he says "bonerific."

- Bonerific?
- Yeah, it's his catchphrase.

- He says it all the time.
- Yeah, sure, I'm in.

- Okay.
- Yeah, let's do it!

Hey, hey, Brian, how
you feeling tonight?

Good. Having a nice time.

Are you feeling terrific,

or any variation on that word?

Oh, sure. No complaints.

My skin's a little dry.

He's not saying it, Peter.

What?

- No.

Why would I say that?
It's not even a word.

- What isn't a word?
- Bonerific.

- Ah!
- Ah!

Did I tell you?

You can't keep this guy
from saying it!

- Boy, great party, huh, Fred?
- Yeah.

You know, Barn, I figure
I ought to tell you this.

I was walking by your house
the other day,

and, uh, I poked my head
in the window

and Betty was undressing.

Uh, she saw me there,
but she didn't stop.

- What?
- She didn't stop.

I mean, she saw me there,

looking at her,
and she kept undressing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
are you serious?

Yeah.

I got an erocktion.

I got a headache.

- Do you have any Anacin?
- Any what?

- Anacin?
- Yeah, Anacin.

Do they even make Anacin anymore?

Yeah, it's still around. Why?

No, it just seems like
sort of a '70s medication.

- So, you don't have any Anacin?
- No.

God, you're more worthless
than Colin Farrell.

So, uh...

Got the wool cap on, huh?

Yeah, yeah, I guess, you know,

whatever, it's 96 degrees out.

Yeah, you'd better put
on the old wool cap.

Yeah.

You got a lot going on under there, yeah?

Under... Under the wool cap?

Thinking about your sideburns?

Yeah. No, no, no, no,
you're not a complete jackass.

Yeah.
Oh, hey, nice T-shirt.

"Phresh" and it...
and it's spelled with a "P-H."

Oh, that's fun, 'cause
it's usually spelled with an "F."

Yeah. Oh, you got a little tear
in your pants, there...

Oh, that's on purpose, though, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're a bad boy.

You're a bad boy.

Society wants your pants to be intact,

but you're just not gonna listen, are you?

My God, this is ridiculous.

I'm sorry,
I'm gonna have to kill you.

All right, one more pre-party drink,

and then we'll head off to the Clam.

It's cheaper to drink at your house first.

Boy, they sure are making
a lot of noise out there.

Those idiots have done nothing

but hang out in that stupid shed
for the last two days.

We should crash that party.

Hey, you know what,
Bernice is right.

They're always trying to get away from us.

We should march in there

and remind them that they have wives.

Especially if they have food,

because bar food is so overpriced.

Man, who invited Anne Frank?

Quagmire, tell that story

about the girl with the inside-out anus.

- Oh, you mean Blossom?
- Oh, that's a great story.

All right, so I'm skulking
around the intensive care unit,

and all of sudden
this smoking hot chick...

Hey, boys!
Mind if we join the party?

- Sorry, Lois, no girls allowed.
- Oh, come on, Peter.

It'd be good to have
some chicks in here.

Quagmire, you nuts?
This is a men's club.

There's the problem.
The ratio be terrible.

It's a total mast-fest in here.

Yeah, this is sort of lame.

Well, we can fix that.

Come on, girls, let's dance!

- Hey, hey, hey, stop it!

You women can't dance in here!

Well, I know two people
who'll take my side on this.

The stuffy parents from Dirty Dancing.

Right, guys?

Sorry, Peter. Even we're getting into it.

Oh!

What's the matter, Bonnie?

Don't you want to dance?

Oh, it's okay, Joe.

I don't mind sitting here with you.

What I mean is...

I don't want to hold you back.

Don't be silly, honey.

It's just as nice watching
other people have fun.

God, I hate being handicapped.

Sometimes I feel more useless

than the head of the Maid's Union.

And what exactly are your demands?

We need more Lemon Pledge.

You need more Lemon Pledge?

Yes.

We're not responsible for that.

You should just bring
it from your own home.

No.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Lois.

Yeah, last night was fun.

Oh, it's okay,
I'm used to not dancing.

I mean, I knew what to expect
after, you know, Joe's accident,

and I'm... I'm prepared to live
the rest of my life this way.

Poor Bonnie.

She deserves so much better
than me.

God, she must regret this marriage.

If only there was some way
for me to walk again.

Wait a minute, what am I saying?

There's nothing wrong with me.

I'm no different
than any other guy!

Joe, would you put on your hand-shoes

and take out the garbage?

Thank you.

Hey, thanks for coming with me, Peter.

It sure would be wonderful

if Dr. Hartman could help me walk again.

I'm sorry, Mayor McCheese,

but I'm not sure if any cosmetic surgery
is even possible.

Look, if it's
a financial issue...

It's not an issue of money,

your head is a cheeseburger.

There's no blood flow to it.

It's just,
it's just dead cow meat.

All right, well,

I appreciate you giving it to me straight.

All right, then, have a tasty afternoon.

- Ah, there's a smile.

So, what can I do for you, Mr. Swanson?

Doc, I can't take it anymore.

I want to walk again.
I'll do whatever it takes.

Well, there is a highly
experimental new procedure.

It's essentially a leg transplant.

If you'd be willing to sign a waiver,

I think I may be able to help you.

You know, when you talk,

you sound, a lot like my father-in-law,

- Carter Pewterschmidt.
- Oh, that's funny.

He's a patient of mine.

Here's my urine sample, Doctor.

- Thank you, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
- Oh, hi, Peter.

You know, Peter says we sound alike.

Really? I don't hear it.

Actually, I think I do hear it now.

- Really?
- Yeah, you know,

we've never really had
any extended interactions,

so I've never noticed it.

Hey, I think I hear it, too.

Seems lazy, doesn't it?

Well, there's only so many
voices in the world.

Some of them are bound to be similar.

Now, Mr. Swanson,

through the magic of digital imaging,

we'll select the legs
most suited to your body

from our inventory of donors.

- Hey, what about these?
- Ah, good choice.

These are the only ones we have in stock

- that aren't hilarious.
- I'll take 'em!

Ah, Joe, you are gonna be
happier than bullfrogs

on vacation in Ethiopia.

Ah, this is fantastic!

This is even better than
they said it was in the brochure!

Oh, I feel like a pig,

but, come on, we're on vacation!

Exactly, don't hate yourself,

we're on vacation, right?

Yeah, I hear Madonna

is raising this guy's kid.

Now, just relax, Mr. Swanson,

and let the anesthetic do its job.

- All right, Doc, I trust you.
- Good.

Now, I'll just pop in the how-to video,

- and we'll get started.
- What?

Hi, I'm Jamie Farr,

and you're aboutto perform leg surgery.

No!

He's been in there an awful long time.

I hope everything's all right.

Gentlemen, I give you...

the new Joe Swanson.

- Oh!

Well, what do you think?

- Oh, honey!
- Oh, my God, you look great, Joe!

- Oh, that is fantastic!
- Holy crap!

They still got that new leg smell.

I put his old legs in a bag
if you want them.

Oh, great. You know what?

We'll take them home,
we'll give them to Brian.

Come on, Joe, I'll drive you home.

Are you kidding?

I've got working legs for the first time

in 15 years, and I'm gonna use them.

I'm walking home!

I'm sorry, Mr. Swanson.

Hospital rules... you have
to leave in a wheelchair.

Oh, Joe, that was amazing.

I know. I was there.

My God, we haven't done it in so long,

I'd forgotten how big you were.

I was gonna say the same thing to you.

Coming
this fall on Fox, a new reality show...

Who Wants To Marry Corky
From Life Goes On?

You won't believe what happens!

- Come on, guys, let's go!
- Go? Where we going?

Listen, these new legs
have given me my life back.

I want to do all the things
I could never do

when I was handicapped.

And you guys are my best friends.

I want you to experience it all with me.

You can count on us, Joe.

Oh, this is great!

I feel so alive! Come on, ladies!

Kick your high heels off and get moving!

You guys are a disgrace!

Peter, this doesn't seem safe.

Yeah, I'm afraid I might...

Oh. Wow. Thanks, Spider-Man.

Everybody gets one.

Tell him, Peter.

Uh, apparently,
everybody gets one.

Bingo.

I don't know about this, Joe.

There is no fear in this dojo!

Joe, we-we don't even know what a dojo is.

There is no mercy in this dojo!

Joe, why don't you take it down a notch?

No mercy!

All right, we're gonna
do it once more.

And this time,
no mistakes!

One, two, three, four!

Good mornin',
good mornin'

It's greatto stay up late

Good mornin',good mornin' to you

When the bandbegan to play

The stars wereshining bright

But now the milkman's
on his way

It's too late
to say good night

So say good mornin'

Ah! Good mornin'!

Sunbeams will soon
smile through

Good mornin',
good mornin' to you

Nothing could be grander
than to be in Louisiana

In the mornin',in the morn--

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
we were still going.

My God, Joe is running us ragged.

Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted

since I had that job

as Jackée Harry's
personal grocery shopper.

A pallet? Am I...
Am I reading this right?

You need a pallet
of chocolate-covered pretzels?

Where the hell am I supposed to...

And what is this?
A drum of grape jam?

Is that... What is that?

Is that like a drum
like they ship oil in? Is that...

And look at this one...

"A desk of Cheez-Its."

A desk?

Where-where are you getting
these units of measurement from?

- Mary.

That is still funny.

Okay, you stay right here, big funny gal.

I'll be right back with
a "hammock of cake."

Yeah, "Dave Matthews Live."

I'll burn you a copy. Stay cool.

Hey, Joe.
What you got there?

Mountain bike.

Oh, Joe, I-I don't know.

I'm still chafed from that power walk.

Both of my inner thighs look

like those big cherry Swedish Fish.

Don't worry.

I'm not taking you pansies.

I'm taking my new friends.

This is Parker, Quentin,
and Portland.

Is Portland the Black one?

Portland is the Black one.

Joe, what the...
What the hell is this?

Well, Peter, I realized
over the last few days,

the only reason I hung out
with you guys

is that I was crippled
and you were lazy.

I decided it's time
I got some friends

more suited to my status.

But, Joe,
we've been friends for years.

Hey, we all make mistakes.

Come on, dudes, let's go exercise.

- Exercise!
- Yeah!

I'm gonna do sit-ups till I poop myself!

I can't believe it.

Joe just dumped us. He's gone.

And all we got to remember him by
are his old legs.

- Okay, okay.

Peter, I wish you'd go over there

and patch things up with Joe.

Hey, screw him, Lois.
He doesn't need us anymore

now that he's got his cool,
new friends.

I tell you, those legs have
turned him into a complete jerk.

It's like giving a monkey
the keys to an amusement park.

- How is that?
- How is what?

How is it anything like
a monkey having the keys

- to an amusement park?
- I don't know.

The hours would be erratic.

Maintenance would probably
suffer to some degree.

The prizes for games
of chance would all be bananas.

Lois, don't call me
on this stuff, all right?

I'm... I'm... Just go with it.

Support me in these moments.
I'm hurt. I lost my buddy.

Well, Peter, there have been
a lot of changes in Joe's life,

and maybe he just needed to move on.

If I were you, I'd look for a new friend.

A kindred spirit,

like Judas found in Pontius Pilate.

You know, sometimes I feel
like someone should just...

BOTH:
...Crucify Jesus of Nazareth.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

- Shut up!
- No, you shut up!

- I'm Judas.
- Pontius.

This is so weird, because
just today, I was thinking about

how I wanted to
find the son of God

and nail him to some wood.

Well, let's go find him and kick his ass!

That sounds swell!

I think I'll go for
a walk outside now

The summer sun's
calling my name

So, do you really think
you're suited

to be the fourth guy
in our group, Buzz Killington?

Yeah, I mean, we mainly
just sit here in the booth

and crack jokes,
but you're kind of a buzz kill.

Oh, on the contrary.

I've quite a mastery
of the humorous yarn.

Do any of you know the tale

of how cornmeal came to be?

- No.
- No.

- Uh-uh, no.
- Neither did the miller

when he left his house
that morning.

Aah!

We got to get Joe back.

Joe, please, can't we talk about this?

There's nothing to talk about.

I've outgrown you, Bonnie.

I need to spread my legs and fly.

Keep the kid.

It was awful. I mean, he just left Bonnie.

And then the bastard
completely blew me off

to hang out with those
new douche bags.

Peter, we got to do something.

You're right, Cleveland.

Boys, there's only one answer.

We got to re-cripple Joe.

It's the right thing to do,
like taking out Hitler.

See? We had a plan
for that all along.

Bye, new awesome friends!

Bonnie, I forgot my Soloflex.

Yo, Joe.

What the hell
you doing here, pansy?

We're gonna break your legs, Joe.

It's for your own good.

Come on, guys, get him!

All right, then.

Bonnie! What the hell?

Put my gun down!

Not until I have my husband back!

Aah! My perfect ass!

Oh, I'm sorry, Joe.

I was aiming for your spine.

Aah! Damn it!

Joe, I'm so sorry.

I'm a terrible shot.

Oh, for God's sakes, just give me the gun!

I'll do it myself!

Boy, we, uh, really did
a number on each other.

You know, I just want
to take this opportunity

to apologize to you guys.

I was acting
like a first-class jackass.

I hope that you can forgive me.

Oh, it's just good to
have our old Joe back.

And once our injuries heal up,

we can all go for a nice, long walk.

All right! Yeah!

Wait a minute!

ALL:
Ah!

Joke's on you

Heh, heh, heh-heh, heh